1 00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,780 There's an old joke. 2 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,700 Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort. 3 00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:01,900 One says, "The food at this place is really terrible." 4 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,820 The other says, "I know, and such small portions." 5 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,740 That's essentially how I feel about life: 6 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,380 Full of loneliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness... 7 00:01:11,480 --> 00:01:14,500 and it's all over much too quickly. 8 00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,500 The other important joke for me... 9 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:19,860 is one usually attributed to Groucho Marx... 10 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:23,660 but it appears originally in Freud's Wit and lts Relation to the Unconscious. 11 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:25,860 It goes like this, I'm paraphrasing: 12 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:30,100 I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member. 13 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:34,860 That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women. 14 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,980 Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind... 15 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:41,540 because I turned 40, and I guess I'm going through a life crisis. 16 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:44,220 I'm not worried about aging. I'm not one of those characters. 17 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,740 But I'm balding slightly on top. That's about the worst you can say about me. 18 00:01:47,840 --> 00:01:51,020 I think I'm going to get better as I get older. 19 00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,940 I think I'm going to be the balding, virile type... 20 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,660 as opposed to the distinguished gray. 21 00:01:57,760 --> 00:01:59,660 Unless I'm neither of those two. 22 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,100 Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth... 23 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:06,640 who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag, screaming about socialism. 24 00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:11,060 Annie and I broke up, and I still can't get my mind around that. 25 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,580 I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind... 26 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:19,300 examining my life and trying to figure out where did the screwup come. 27 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,200 A year ago we were in love. 28 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:27,280 It's funny. I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character. 29 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:30,900 I was a reasonably happy kid. 30 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:33,880 I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II. 31 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,220 He's been depressed. 32 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,620 - Suddenly he can't do anything. - Why are you depressed, Alvy? 33 00:02:39,720 --> 00:02:43,540 Tell Dr. Flicker. It's something he read. 34 00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,540 Something he read, huh? 35 00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:49,700 - The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? 36 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:52,460 The universe is everything, and if it's expanding... 37 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:56,220 someday it will break apart, and that will be the end of everything. 38 00:02:56,320 --> 00:03:00,500 What is that your business? He stopped doing his homework! 39 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:03,940 - What's the point? - What's the universe got to do with it? 40 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,220 You're here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding! 41 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:11,140 It won't be expanding for billions of years! 42 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:15,960 We've got to try and enjoy ourselves while we're here! Huh? 43 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,740 My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories... 44 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,180 but I swear I was brought up underneath the roller coaster... 45 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,340 in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. 46 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:32,540 Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. 47 00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:37,140 I have a hyperactive imagination. My mind tends to jump around a little. 48 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:40,560 I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. 49 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,700 My father ran the bumper-car concession. 50 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,380 There he is, and there I am. 51 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:49,800 I used to get my aggression out through those cars. 52 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:54,420 I remember the staff at our public school. 53 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,700 We had a saying, "Those who can't do, teach... 54 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:00,900 and those who can't teach, teach gym." 55 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:05,200 And those who couldn't do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. 56 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,420 I must say, I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. 57 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,300 Melvyn Greenglass and his fat little face. 58 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,380 And Henrietta Farrell, Miss Perfect all the time. 59 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,900 And Ivan Ackerman, always the wrong answer. Always! 60 00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,840 Seven and three is nine. 61 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,980 Even then I knew they were just jerks. 62 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,440 In 1942 I had already discovered women. 63 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,740 He kissed me! 64 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:36,180 That's the second time this month! Step up here. 65 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,140 - What did I do? - Step up here. 66 00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:40,700 - What did I do? - You should be ashamed of yourself. 67 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,580 Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity. 68 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:46,980 Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds. 69 00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,180 I did. 70 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:51,980 For God sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks of a latency period! 71 00:04:52,080 --> 00:04:55,060 I never had a latency period. I can't help it. 72 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:57,380 Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? 73 00:04:57,480 --> 00:04:59,700 There was a model boy. 74 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,060 Tell the folks where you are today, Donald. 75 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,500 I run a profitable dress company. 76 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:09,140 Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. 77 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,960 I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company. 78 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,660 I sell talliths. 79 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:20,400 I used to be a heroin addict, now I'm a methadone addict. 80 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:23,600 I'm into leather. 81 00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:28,060 I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. 82 00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,060 They did not take me in the army. 83 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:33,660 I was 4-P. 84 00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:37,200 In the event of war, I'm a hostage. 85 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,980 You always only saw the worst in people. 86 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,980 You never could get along with anyone in school. 87 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,380 You were always out of step with the world. 88 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,260 Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world. 89 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,820 I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, "Jew." 90 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,740 - You're crazy. - No, I'm not. 91 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:58,860 We were walking off the tennis court. He was there and me and his wife. 92 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,860 He looked her, then they both looked at me... 93 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,020 and under his breath he said, "Jew." 94 00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,980 You're a total paranoid. 95 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,820 How am I a paranoid? I pick up on those kind of things. 96 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,340 I was having lunch with guys from NBC, so I said, "Did you eat yet?" 97 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,820 Tom Christie said, "No. Jew?" Not "Did you?" 98 00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:20,020 Not "Did you eat?" but "Jew eat?" You get it? 99 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:22,620 - Max... - Stop calling me Max. 100 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:26,260 Why? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything. 101 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:28,780 No, I don't. I was in a record store. Listen to this. 102 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:34,220 There's this tall, blond crew-cutted guy and he's looking at me in a funny way. 103 00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,060 He's saying, "Yes, we have a sale this week on Wagner." 104 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,260 Wagner, Max. I know what he's trying to tell me. 105 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,740 Very significantly, Wagner. 106 00:06:42,840 --> 00:06:46,220 Right, Max. California, Max. 107 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,220 - Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it. 108 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:52,180 We move to sunny L.A. All of show business is out there. 109 00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,940 You keep bringing it up, but I don't want to live in a city... 110 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:58,980 where the only cultural advantage is you can make a right turn on a red light. 111 00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:01,940 All right, forget it. Aren't you going to be late for meeting Annie? 112 00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,720 I'm meeting her in front of the Beekman. I have a few minutes left, right? 113 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,960 Are you on television? 114 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,980 Yeah, occasionally. 115 00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,660 What's your name? 116 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,580 You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter. 117 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,520 You're on Johnny Carson, right? 118 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,220 Once in a while. 119 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,700 What's your name? 120 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,040 - I'm Robert Redford. - Come on! 121 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:49,120 Alvy Singer. Thanks very much for everything. 122 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:54,040 This is Alvy Singer! 123 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,100 This guy's on television. Alvy Singer, right? Am I right? 124 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,420 - Give me a break. - This guy's on television. 125 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,340 I need the large polo mallet. 126 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:06,580 - Who's on television? - This guy, on the Johnny Carson Show. 127 00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:10,100 - Is this a meeting of the teamsters? - What program? 128 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,060 - Can I have your autograph? - You don't want my autograph. 129 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,940 I do! It's for my girlfriend. 130 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,980 Make it out to Ralph. 131 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,520 - Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brother. 132 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:26,240 You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? 133 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:31,060 - Alvy Singer over here! - It's all right, fellas. 134 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,740 Jesus, what did you do? Come by way of the Panama Canal? 135 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,900 - I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the Godfather cast. 136 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,940 - Learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech. 137 00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,500 Please, I have a headache. 138 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,500 You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period. 139 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:48,500 I'm not getting my period! Jesus! 140 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,500 Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I have my period. 141 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,180 A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it. 142 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:57,300 - Has the picture started? - Two minutes ago. 143 00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,500 That's it. Forget it. I can't go in. 144 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,340 - Two minutes. - We've blown it already. 145 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:04,700 I can't go in, in the middle. 146 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:07,580 In the middle? We've only missed the titles. They're in Swedish. 147 00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,500 You want to get coffee for two hours? 148 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,700 - Two hours? No. I'm going in. - Go ahead. Good-bye. 149 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,380 While we're talking, we could be inside. 150 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:19,220 Can we not argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed. 151 00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:23,740 - All right. So what do you want to do? - I don't know. Go to another movie? 152 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,980 - Let's see The Sorrow and the Pity. - We've seen it. 153 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,020 I'm not in the mood to see a four hour documentary on Nazis. 154 00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,060 I'm sorry. 155 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:35,860 I've got to see a picture exactly from start to finish, 'cause I'm anal. 156 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:37,840 That's a polite word for what you are. 157 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,020 We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best. 158 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:46,060 It lacks a cohesive structure. 159 00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,820 You get the feeling he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say. 160 00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:54,620 I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker. 161 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,660 Granted La Strada was a great film. 162 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,740 Great in its use of negative imagery more than anything else. 163 00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:03,960 - I'm going to have a stroke. - Stop listening to him. 164 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,220 He's screaming his opinions in my ear. 165 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:10,580 All that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. 166 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:13,700 I found it incredibly indulgent. 167 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,820 He really is one of the most indulgent of filmmakers. 168 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,120 Key word here is "indulgent." 169 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:24,180 - What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept. 170 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,260 How can you possibly oversleep? 171 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:27,980 The alarm clock. 172 00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,980 You know what a hostile gesture that is to me? 173 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,940 I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? 174 00:10:33,040 --> 00:10:36,820 Everybody in line has to know our rate of intercourse? 175 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,620 It's like Samuel Beckett. 176 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,380 I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level. 177 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,100 - I'd like to hit him on a gut level. - Stop it. 178 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,980 He's spitting on my neck when he talks. 179 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:52,100 You know something else? You're so egocentric that... 180 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,560 if I miss my therapy you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you! 181 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,860 They're probably on their first date. 182 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,420 Probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. 183 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:05,340 "Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman... 184 00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:09,180 who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy." 185 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,100 What do you mean "our sexual problem"? 186 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,620 I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn. 187 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,580 I'm sorry. My sexual problem. Okay? My sexual problem! 188 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:21,620 I never read that. That was Henry James' sequel to Turn of the Screw? 189 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,140 It's the influence of television. 190 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:29,740 Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high intensity. 191 00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:31,820 Do you understand? A hot medium. 192 00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:35,940 What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it. 193 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,660 What do you do when you get stuck on a movie line with a guy like this? 194 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:42,700 Wait. Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country! 195 00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,140 He can. Do you have to give it so loud? 196 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:47,540 Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? 197 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:51,740 The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan. 198 00:11:51,840 --> 00:11:56,180 I happen to teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture." 199 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:59,900 I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan have a great deal of validity. 200 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:04,540 Do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here. 201 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,020 Just let me... Come over here. Tell him. 202 00:12:08,120 --> 00:12:10,020 I heard what you were saying. 203 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:14,420 You know nothing of my work. You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. 204 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:17,620 How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing! 205 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:20,240 If life were only like this. 206 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,500 June 14, 1940. The German army occupies Paris. 207 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:31,500 All over the country, people are desperate for food. 208 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:35,020 Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave. 209 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:37,780 To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much. 210 00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:41,540 I know. Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture. 211 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,540 You? You kidding? 212 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:47,420 The Gestapo would take away your charge card, and you'd tell 'em everything. 213 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,460 That movie makes me feel guilty. 214 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,600 It's supposed to. 215 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,460 - Alvy, I... - What? 216 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,760 What's the matter? 217 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,500 It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. 218 00:13:01,600 --> 00:13:03,420 It's been a long time! 219 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,860 It's just, I mean... 220 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,500 I've got to sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice. 221 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,700 It's always some kind of an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy. 222 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,380 When we first started going out, we had sex constantly. 223 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,980 We're probably listed in The Guiness Book of World Records. 224 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:20,740 It'll pass. I'm going through a phase, that's all. 225 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,220 You've been married before. You know how things can get. 226 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,920 You were very hot for Allison at first. 227 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:33,740 You know that you're on right after Chris Brown, in about 20 minutes. 228 00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:35,740 Excuse me. When do I go on? 229 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,700 Who are you? 230 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,100 Alvy Singer. 231 00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,740 - I'm the comedian. - Oh, comedian. 232 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,500 Oh, you're on next. 233 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,620 What do you mean "next"? 234 00:13:47,720 --> 00:13:49,740 You're on right after this act. 235 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,420 - It can't be, because he's a comic. - Yes. 236 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,780 - You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? 237 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:59,100 No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to go on after another comedian. 238 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:03,340 - It's okay. - No. They're laughing. I'd rather not. 239 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:05,780 Will you relax, please? They're going to love you. 240 00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:08,780 I know. I prefer not to. Look, they're laughing at him. 241 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,020 What are you telling me? They'll laugh at him a few minutes. 242 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:14,020 Then I've got to get laughs, too. How much can they laugh? 243 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,740 - They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? 244 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,880 Jesus. 245 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,700 - What's your name? - Allison. 246 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,140 Yeah? Allison what? 247 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,240 Portchnik. 248 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,200 - Portchnik? That's nice. - Thank you. 249 00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,860 So, you work for Stevenson all the time? 250 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,860 - No. I'm doing my thesis. - On what? 251 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,940 Political commitment in 20th-century literature. 252 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:48,260 You're like New York Jewish, left-wing, intellectual... 253 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,460 Central Park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps... 254 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,540 and the father with the Ben Shahn drawings... 255 00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,620 really strike-oriented... 256 00:14:57,720 --> 00:14:59,940 Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself. 257 00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:04,260 That was wonderful! I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype. 258 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:07,720 Right. I'm a bigot, but for the left. 259 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:13,540 I have to go out there. Say something encouraging, quickly. 260 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,160 - I think you're cute. - Yeah? Do you? 261 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,360 Go ahead. 262 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:32,500 I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally... 263 00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,100 'cause I'm not essentially a political comedian. 264 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:40,660 I interestingly had dated a woman... 265 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,700 in the Eisenhower administration, briefly. 266 00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,440 It was ironic to me... 267 00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:50,300 'cause I was trying to do to her... 268 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,400 what Eisenhower's been doing to the country for the last eight years. 269 00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,380 I'm sorry. I can't go through with this. 270 00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:02,780 I can't get it off my mind! It's obsessing me! 271 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,660 I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention. 272 00:16:05,760 --> 00:16:09,700 But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository... 273 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,900 and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound. 274 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:17,140 So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? 275 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:19,200 It doesn't make sense! 276 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,740 I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough... 277 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,180 to hit a moving target at that range. 278 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:30,580 But if there was a second assassin... 279 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:33,100 - That's it! - We've been through this. 280 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,620 They recovered the shells from that rifle. 281 00:16:35,720 --> 00:16:37,660 What are you saying now? 282 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:41,980 That everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? 283 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:43,660 Why not? 284 00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:47,740 - Earl Warren? - Honey, I don't know Earl Warren. 285 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,660 Lyndon Johnson? 286 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,020 Lyndon Johnson is a politician! 287 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:56,500 You know the ethics those guys have. It's a notch underneath child molester. 288 00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:58,900 Then everybody's in on the conspiracy. 289 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:04,060 The FBI and the CIA and J. Edgar Hoover, the oil companies... 290 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:07,340 the Pentagon, the men's-room attendant at the White House? 291 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,460 I would leave out the men's-room attendant. 292 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:15,660 You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me. 293 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,940 Oh, my God! She's right. 294 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,100 Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? 295 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:24,980 She was beautiful. She was willing. She was real intelligent. 296 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,780 Is it the old Groucho Marx joke... 297 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,680 that I don't want to belong to any club that would have me for a member? 298 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,140 - Alvy, don't panic! - It's a mistake... 299 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:37,060 to bring a live thing in the house. 300 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:39,060 Don't do that. 301 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,500 Maybe we should call the police. Dial 911. It's the lobster squad. 302 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,020 They're only baby ones. For God sakes. 303 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:48,100 - If they're babies, you pick them up. - All right! All right! 304 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,940 - Here you go! - Don't give it to me. 305 00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,140 Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator. 306 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,920 It'll turn up in our bed at night. Get out of here with that thing! 307 00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:01,940 Talk to him. You speak shellfish. 308 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:04,700 Hey, put it in the pot. 309 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:08,180 I can't. I can't put a live thing in hot water. 310 00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:10,420 What d'you think we were going to do, take him to the movies? 311 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,500 Good. Oh, thank you. 312 00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,420 Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot. 313 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:18,140 Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator. 314 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,020 I can't get it out. This thing's heavy. 315 00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,860 Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here, it'll run out the other side. 316 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,780 I'm going to get my camera. 317 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:29,340 I think if I could pry... 318 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:32,760 We should have gotten steaks, 'cause they don't have legs and run around. 319 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,260 - Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please. - You're going to take pictures now? 320 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,900 Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! 321 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,500 - It's disgusting. - One more, please? One more. 322 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:47,940 Good! 323 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:51,360 Here's what I want to know. Am I your first, big romance? 324 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:57,660 - Who was? - There was Dennis from high school. 325 00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:02,340 Local kid who'd meet you in front of the movie house on Saturday night? 326 00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:07,140 - You should've seen how I looked then. - I can imagine. An astronaut's wife. 327 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,060 - Then there was Jerry, the actor. - Look at you. 328 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,980 You're such a clown. 329 00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:15,460 - I look pretty. - You always do. But that guy with you! 330 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:19,860 Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious. 331 00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,300 Like a kind of liberating consciousness. 332 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:25,540 It's like a visual poem. 333 00:19:25,640 --> 00:19:27,580 Is he kidding with that crap? 334 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,900 Oh, right! 335 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,300 Right. I think I know exactly what you mean when you say "religious." 336 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,980 - You do? - Come on. I was younger. 337 00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,900 That was last year! 338 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,820 It's like when I think of dying. You know how I'd like to die? 339 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,260 How? 340 00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:45,300 I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals. 341 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:48,980 - Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels. - He was a terrific actor. 342 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,220 He's neat looking and he was emotional. 343 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,460 I don't think you like emotion too much. 344 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,220 Touch my heart with your foot. 345 00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:59,060 I may throw up. 346 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,540 - He was creepy. - Yeah! 347 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:06,740 - You're pretty lucky I came along. - Oh, really? La-de-dah! 348 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:10,460 If anyone ever told me that I'd be taking out a girl... 349 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,540 who used expressions like "la-de-dah"... 350 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,700 That's right. You really like those New York girls. 351 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,020 - Not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them. 352 00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,580 There's Henry Drucker. 353 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:23,700 He has a Chair in History at Princeton. 354 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,780 The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a Chair in Philosophy at Cornell. 355 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,700 Two more chairs, they got a dining room set. 356 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:33,060 - Why are you so hostile? - I want to watch the Knicks on TV. 357 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:35,300 Is that Paul Goodman? No. 358 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,340 Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book. 359 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,420 Hi, Doug. Douglas Wyeth... 360 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:44,060 The Foul Rag-and-Bone Shop of the Heart. 361 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,740 I'm so tired of spending evenings... 362 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:47,740 making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. 363 00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,180 Commentary. 364 00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:53,100 I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. 365 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:56,100 No jokes. These are friends. Okay? 366 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,500 Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New York Knicks. 367 00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:03,580 Here you are. There's people out there. 368 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,340 Two minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead 14 points... 369 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,840 and now they're ahead two points. 370 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,580 Alvy, what is so fascinating... 371 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,340 about a group of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? 372 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,420 What is fascinating is that it's physical. 373 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,340 That's one thing about intellectuals: 374 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:24,900 They've proved you can be brilliant and have no idea what's going on. 375 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,640 But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie as we now know. 376 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,380 Stop acting out. 377 00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:35,460 It'll be great, because all those Ph.Ds. are in there discussing... 378 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:39,260 modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping. 379 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:43,700 Don't. You're using sex to express hostility. 380 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:48,380 "Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories,"... 381 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,400 he said as he removed her brassier. 382 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:57,180 There are people out there from the New Yorker magazine! 383 00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:00,200 My God! What would they think? 384 00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,500 - Damn siren! - Don't get upset. 385 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,340 Damn it! I was so close! 386 00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,020 Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. 387 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:16,940 The city can't close down. 388 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:20,380 You want them to close the airport so we can have sex? 389 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,020 I'm too tense. I need a Valium. 390 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,980 My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York. 391 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:29,420 We can't have this discussion all the time. The country makes me nervous. 392 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:33,220 You've got crickets. It's quiet. There's no place to walk after dinner. 393 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,180 There's the screens with the dead moths behind them. 394 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,100 You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Perry. 395 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:43,980 Okay! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense! Where's the goddamn Valium? 396 00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,340 Okay, it's quiet now. We can get started again. 397 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:49,060 I can't! My head is throbbing. 398 00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,180 - You got a headache? - I have a headache! 399 00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,980 - Bad? - Like Oswald in Ghosts. 400 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,380 - Jesus. - Where are you going? 401 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:59,720 I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers. 402 00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,020 Max, my serve is going to send you to the showers early. 403 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:04,020 Right. To get back to what we were discussing. 404 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:07,380 The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism. 405 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,260 Max, the city is terribly run. 406 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,580 I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin. 407 00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:16,540 That's a convenient out. When some group disagrees with you, it's anti-Semitism. 408 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,060 The rest of the country looks upon New York... 409 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:22,860 like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers. 410 00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:25,420 I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here. 411 00:23:25,520 --> 00:23:29,860 Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun. 412 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,940 Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. 413 00:23:33,040 --> 00:23:35,520 Sun, milk, red meat, college. 414 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,080 Egad, here he comes. 415 00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,860 You know Alvy? This is Janet. 416 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:48,380 - This is Annie Hall. - This is Alvy. 417 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,900 - Who's playing with who here? - You and me against them? 418 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,980 - That's not fair. - I can't play too good. 419 00:23:54,080 --> 00:23:55,480 I've had four lessons. 420 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:19,420 Well... 421 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:20,920 bye. 422 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:27,420 - You play very well. - Oh, yeah? So do you! 423 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,420 God, what a dumb thing to say. 424 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:35,140 You say "You play well," and right away I have to say, "You play well." 425 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,300 Oh, God, Annie. 426 00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:40,380 Well. Oh, well! 427 00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,800 La-de-dah. 428 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,580 You want a lift? 429 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:49,980 Oh, why? You got a car? 430 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:52,740 No, I was going to take a cab. 431 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,240 Oh, no. I have a car. 432 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,080 You have a car? 433 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:01,900 If you have a car... 434 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,320 then why did you say, "Do you have a car" like you wanted a lift? 435 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,200 Geez, I don't know. I wasn't... 436 00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:15,060 I got this VW out there. 437 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,640 What a jerk. 438 00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:19,460 Would you like a lift? 439 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:23,540 - Sure. Which way are you going? - Me? Oh, downtown. 440 00:25:23,640 --> 00:25:25,460 I'm going uptown. 441 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,860 Oh, I'm going uptown, too. 442 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,420 - You said you were going downtown. - Yeah, well... 443 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:33,820 I can go uptown, too. I live uptown. 444 00:25:33,920 --> 00:25:37,680 What the hell? It would be nice having company. I hate driving alone. 445 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:40,980 How long do you know Janet? Where do you know her from? 446 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:43,540 - I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress! 447 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,740 Well, I do commercials, sort of. 448 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:49,100 You want to watch the road? You're not from New York, right? 449 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,020 - Chippewa Falls. - Right. 450 00:25:52,120 --> 00:25:54,100 - Where? - Wisconsin. 451 00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:57,760 - You're driving a tad rapidly. - Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. 452 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:01,900 - You want some gum? - No, thanks. 453 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,300 - Where is it? - Don't do that. No, no, watch the road. 454 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,140 I'll get it. Concentrate, will ya? 455 00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:09,900 - I'll get you a piece. - Listen. You drive? 456 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:12,940 Do I drive? No, I got a problem with driving. 457 00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,980 - You do? - Yeah. 458 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,000 I got a license, but I have too much hostility. 459 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,420 Nice car. You keep it nice. 460 00:26:21,520 --> 00:26:25,000 - Can I ask you, is this a sandwich? - Oh, yeah. 461 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:33,680 I live over here. Oh, my God, look! There's a parking space. 462 00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:41,520 That's okay, we can walk to the curb from here. 463 00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,180 You want your tennis stuff? You want your gear? 464 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,020 Yeah. That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot. Well. 465 00:26:48,120 --> 00:26:49,520 Well. 466 00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:53,180 - Thank you. - Thank you. 467 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:55,980 You're a wonderful tennis player... 468 00:26:56,080 --> 00:26:58,460 and you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life. 469 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,140 Anyplace. Europe. Anyplace. Asia. 470 00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:04,500 - I love what you're wearing. - You do? Yeah. 471 00:27:04,600 --> 00:27:08,740 This tie is a present from Grammy Hall. 472 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,220 Who? Grammy Hall? 473 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:12,900 Yeah, my grammy. 474 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:16,020 What did you do, grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? Your grammy? 475 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:20,180 - It's pretty silly, isn't it? - My grammy never gave gifts. 476 00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:23,060 She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks. 477 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:25,300 Well, thank you again. 478 00:27:25,400 --> 00:27:26,860 Oh, yeah. 479 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,620 Listen. You want to come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? 480 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,020 No, I mean you don't have to. You're probably late and everything. 481 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:36,340 No, that would be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure. 482 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,820 I got time. I got nothing until my analyst appointment. 483 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:42,900 You see an analyst? 484 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,540 - Just for 15 years. - 15 years? 485 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,020 I'm going to give him one more year, and then I'm going to Lourdes. 486 00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:52,000 15? Nah, come on! Yeah? Really? 487 00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:55,380 Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide... 488 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:59,120 was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality. 489 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:03,580 Right. I don't know. I mean, some of her poems seem neat. 490 00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,860 Neat? I hate to tell you this is 1975. 491 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,220 "Neat" went out at the turn of the century. 492 00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,500 Who are those photos on the wall? 493 00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,140 Oh, you see... 494 00:28:14,240 --> 00:28:18,140 that's my dad, that's Father, and that's my brother, Duane. 495 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,980 Yeah, right. And over there's Grammy Hall. 496 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,860 - And that's Sadie. - Who's Sadie? 497 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:29,420 Well, Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother, George. 498 00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:31,700 George was real sweet. He had that thing. 499 00:28:31,800 --> 00:28:36,980 What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? 500 00:28:37,080 --> 00:28:38,900 - Narcolepsy. - Right. 501 00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:43,580 So anyway, George went to the union to get his free turkey... 502 00:28:43,680 --> 00:28:47,180 because the union always gave George this free turkey at Christmastime... 503 00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:50,620 because he was shell-shocked in the first World War. 504 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:54,540 Anyway, so George is standing in line... 505 00:28:54,640 --> 00:28:56,900 getting his free turkey... 506 00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:01,820 but the thing is he falls asleep, and he never wakes up. 507 00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:04,500 So he's dead. 508 00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,740 He's dead. Yeah. 509 00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:08,300 Oh, dear. 510 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:11,020 Well, terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? 511 00:29:11,120 --> 00:29:12,740 Pretty awful. 512 00:29:12,840 --> 00:29:16,020 It's a great story, though. It really made my day. 513 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:19,060 I think I should get out of here, 'cause I think I'm imposing. 514 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:22,100 Really? Maybe... 515 00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:26,300 - You don't have to. - But I'm all perspired and everything. 516 00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:28,860 Didn't you take a shower at the club? 517 00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:31,380 No, no. I never shower in a public place. 518 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:32,820 Why not? 519 00:29:32,920 --> 00:29:36,860 I don't like to get naked in front of another man. 520 00:29:36,960 --> 00:29:38,300 I see. 521 00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,700 I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender. 522 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:44,300 - I see, I guess. - You never know what's going to happen. 523 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:47,600 - 15 years, huh? - 15 years, yeah. 524 00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:49,640 God bless. 525 00:29:53,760 --> 00:29:56,080 Well! Well... 526 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,080 You're what Grammy Hall would call "a real Jew." 527 00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:04,000 Thank you. 528 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:08,220 She hates Jews. She thinks they just make money. 529 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:11,280 But she's the one, is she ever. I'm telling you. 530 00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:18,520 So, did you do those photographs in there? 531 00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,520 Yeah, I sort of dabble around, you know. 532 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:27,980 They're wonderful. They have a quality. 533 00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:32,100 Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. 534 00:30:32,200 --> 00:30:33,660 Photography's interesting because... 535 00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:38,180 It's a new art form. A set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet. 536 00:30:38,280 --> 00:30:42,120 Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? 537 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:46,820 The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. 538 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:51,260 Well, to me... I mean... It's all instinctive. 539 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:56,200 I just try to feel it, to get a sense of it and not think about it so much. 540 00:30:56,680 --> 00:31:01,480 Still, you need aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. 541 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,100 I don't know. I mean, I guess you must be sort of late. 542 00:31:06,200 --> 00:31:10,660 You know, I've got to get there and begin whining soon. 543 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,660 Are you busy Friday night? 544 00:31:12,760 --> 00:31:15,780 Me? Oh, no. 545 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,960 Oh, I'm sorry, I have something. What about Saturday night? 546 00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:22,900 Nothing. No, no. 547 00:31:23,000 --> 00:31:26,060 You're very popular, I can see. 548 00:31:26,160 --> 00:31:27,980 - I know. - You have plague? 549 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:30,460 I meet a lot of jerks. 550 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:32,460 I meet a lot of jerks, too. 551 00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,540 I'm thinking about getting some cats. 552 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:39,180 Wait a second! No, no! Oh, shoot! 553 00:31:39,280 --> 00:31:43,540 Saturday night, I'm going to sing. 554 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:45,980 You're going to sing? You sing? No kidding! 555 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,940 - This is my first time. - Really? Where? 556 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,180 I'd like to come. 557 00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,860 - I'm interested. - No, no. I'm just a... 558 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:57,780 I'm auditioning at this club. It's my first time. 559 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,220 That's okay, 'cause I know exactly what that's like. 560 00:32:00,320 --> 00:32:03,040 You're going to like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun. 561 00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:10,840 It had to be you 562 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:20,240 It had to be you 563 00:32:21,720 --> 00:32:26,380 I wandered around And finally found 564 00:32:26,480 --> 00:32:32,720 This somebody who 565 00:32:33,800 --> 00:32:39,060 Could make me be true 566 00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:44,080 Could make me be blue 567 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:48,940 And even be glad 568 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,480 Just to be sad 569 00:32:52,760 --> 00:32:58,360 Thinking of you 570 00:32:58,560 --> 00:33:01,620 I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing. 571 00:33:01,720 --> 00:33:03,700 So the audience was a tad restless. 572 00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,580 What do you mean, "a tad restless"? My God, they hated me! 573 00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:08,980 No, they didn't. You have a wonderful voice. 574 00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:10,940 - I'm going to quit. - I'm not going to let you. 575 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:13,420 - You have a great voice. - Do you think so, really? 576 00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:17,900 - Yeah! It's terrific. - I never even took a lesson either. 577 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,300 - Listen, give me a kiss. - Really? 578 00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:23,900 Why not? Because we're just going to go home later. 579 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,380 There's going to be all that tension. We've never kissed before. 580 00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,460 I'll never know when to make the right move. 581 00:33:28,560 --> 00:33:31,180 We'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. Okay? 582 00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:33,520 We'll digest our food better. 583 00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:38,280 Okay? Now we can digest our food. 584 00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:40,460 Corned beef, please. 585 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,540 I'm having pastrami on white bread... 586 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:46,480 with mayonnaise, tomatoes and lettuce. 587 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:52,060 So, your second wife left you. 588 00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,700 Were you depressed about that? 589 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:58,260 Nothing that a few mega-vitamins couldn't cure. 590 00:33:58,360 --> 00:34:02,020 - Your first wife, Allison. - She was nice. 591 00:34:02,120 --> 00:34:04,520 That was my fault. I was too crazy. 592 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:11,740 That was so nice! That was nice. 593 00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:15,560 As Balzac said, "There goes another novel." 594 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,260 You were great. 595 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:20,780 Oh, yeah? Yeah? 596 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,820 - Yeah, I'm wrecked. - You're wrecked. 597 00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:29,260 I mean it. I'll never play the piano again. 598 00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:32,340 It was, I don't know. You really thought it was good? 599 00:34:32,440 --> 00:34:37,620 Good? Yes. No, that was the most fun I've had without laughing. 600 00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,500 Here, you want some? 601 00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:44,820 No, I don't use any major hallucinogenics. 602 00:34:44,920 --> 00:34:49,180 I took a puff about five years ago at a party... 603 00:34:49,280 --> 00:34:52,080 and tried to take my pants off over my head. 604 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:59,640 I don't do it very often. It just sort of relaxes me. 605 00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,800 - You won't believe this, but... - What? 606 00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,820 I'm going to buy you these books... 607 00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:14,060 because I think you should read them instead of that cat book. 608 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:16,780 That's pretty serious stuff. 609 00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,180 I'm obsessed with death, I think. 610 00:35:19,280 --> 00:35:22,140 It's a big subject with me. I have a pessimistic view of life. 611 00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:24,500 You should know this about me if we're going to go out. 612 00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:27,620 I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. 613 00:35:27,720 --> 00:35:29,620 Those are the two categories. 614 00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:34,260 The horrible would be like terminal cases and blind people, cripples. 615 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,660 I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. 616 00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:39,420 And the miserable is everyone else. 617 00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,820 So when you go through life, be thankful that you're miserable. 618 00:35:41,920 --> 00:35:44,520 You're very lucky to be miserable. 619 00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:50,620 Look at that guy. There's Mr. Miami Beach in the pink. 620 00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:53,340 He's just come back from the gin rummy finals. 621 00:35:53,440 --> 00:35:55,180 He placed third. 622 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:58,140 Look at these guys. That's hilarious. They're back from Fire Island. 623 00:35:58,240 --> 00:36:00,980 They're sort of giving it a chance romantically. 624 00:36:01,080 --> 00:36:03,820 - Italian, right? - Him? He's the Mafia. 625 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:07,060 Linen supply business or cement and contracting. 626 00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:10,580 Oh, gee, mess up my moustache wax. 627 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:13,380 There's the winner of the Truman Capote look-alike contest. 628 00:36:13,480 --> 00:36:18,020 You are unbelievably sexy. Yes, you are. 629 00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:21,780 You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse. 630 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:24,300 What does that mean? I don't know what that is. 631 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:27,180 You're exceptional in bed... 632 00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:30,100 because you get pleasure in every part of your body when I touch it. 633 00:36:30,200 --> 00:36:33,860 Like the tip of your nose, and if I stroke your teeth or your knee caps... 634 00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,020 you certainly get excited. 635 00:36:36,120 --> 00:36:40,220 You know what? I like you, I really do. 636 00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:43,100 But do you love me? That's the key question. 637 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,420 I know you've only known me a short while. 638 00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:49,300 I think that's sort of... Yeah, yeah. 639 00:36:49,400 --> 00:36:51,220 Do you love me? 640 00:36:51,320 --> 00:36:56,500 Love is too weak a word for what... I "lurve" you. 641 00:36:56,600 --> 00:37:00,700 I "loave" you. I "luff" you, with two "f"s. 642 00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:02,860 Of course I do. Don't you think I do? 643 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:04,960 I don't know. 644 00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:09,460 What do you mean? You're not going to give up your own apartment, are you? 645 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,380 - Of course. - But why? 646 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,620 I'm moving in with you, that's why. 647 00:37:13,720 --> 00:37:16,660 - But you have a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment. 648 00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:19,620 - I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs. 649 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:24,380 Granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative. 650 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:26,580 Bugs are... 651 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:30,340 - Entomology is a rapidly growing field. - You don't want me to live with you. 652 00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:34,220 - I don't? Whose idea was it? - Mine. 653 00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:36,500 It was yours, actually. 654 00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:38,820 But I approved it immediately. 655 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,740 You think I talked you into something. 656 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:45,180 No. We live together, we sleep together, we eat together. 657 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,460 Jesus, you don't want it to be like we're married, do you? 658 00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:51,340 - How is it any different? - Because you keep your own apartment. 659 00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,820 It's there. We don't have to go to it, deal with it... 660 00:37:53,920 --> 00:37:58,780 but it's like a free-floating life raft that we know that we're not married. 661 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,260 That little apartment is $400 a month, Alvy. 662 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:04,340 - That place is $400 a month? - Yes, it is. 663 00:38:04,440 --> 00:38:07,380 It's got bad plumbing and bugs. Jesus. 664 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,260 My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it. 665 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,860 You don't think I'm smart enough to be serious about. 666 00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:15,540 Don't be ridiculous. 667 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:19,700 Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? 668 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,820 Adult education is a wonderful thing! 669 00:38:21,920 --> 00:38:25,080 You meet a lot of interesting professors. It's stimulating. 670 00:38:37,160 --> 00:38:41,280 Does this sound like a good course: "Modern American Poetry"? 671 00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,180 Or, let's see... 672 00:38:44,280 --> 00:38:48,180 maybe I should take "Introduction to the Novel." 673 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,740 Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. 674 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:52,820 What? 675 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:57,100 What do you think? Should we go to that party in South Hampton? 676 00:38:57,200 --> 00:39:00,500 No, don't be silly. What do we need other people for? 677 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:05,220 We should just turn out the lights and play hide the "salam" or something. 678 00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,140 Well, I'm going to get a cigarette, okay? 679 00:39:08,240 --> 00:39:13,220 Grass, right? The illusion that it makes a white woman more like Billie Holiday. 680 00:39:13,320 --> 00:39:16,340 - Have you ever made love high? - Me? No. 681 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:19,900 If I have grass or alcohol, I get unbearably wonderful. 682 00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,860 I get too wonderful for words. 683 00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:26,700 I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love. 684 00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:28,540 It relaxes me. 685 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:31,060 You have to be artificially relaxed before we can go to bed? 686 00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:33,220 What's the difference, anyway? 687 00:39:33,320 --> 00:39:35,820 I'll give you a shot of Sodium Pentothal. You can sleep through it. 688 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,100 Look who's talking! You've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years. 689 00:39:39,200 --> 00:39:42,580 You should smoke some of this. You'd be off the couch in no time. 690 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,820 - Come on, you don't need that. - What are you doing? 691 00:39:44,920 --> 00:39:48,440 - No, Alvy, please? - You can live without it once. 692 00:39:50,360 --> 00:39:52,360 Wait, I got a great idea. 693 00:39:53,560 --> 00:39:58,020 Hang in there for a second. I got a little erotic artifact... 694 00:39:58,120 --> 00:40:02,020 that I brought up from the city, which I think is going to be perfect. 695 00:40:02,120 --> 00:40:05,780 There. Create a little old New Orleans essence. 696 00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:08,900 Now we can go about our business... 697 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,800 and even develop photographs if we want to. 698 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:21,300 - Is something wrong? - No, why? 699 00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:24,180 I don't know. It's like you're removed. 700 00:40:24,280 --> 00:40:26,100 No, I'm fine. 701 00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:28,100 Really? 702 00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:30,700 I don't know. You seem sort of distant. 703 00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:32,740 Let's just do it, all right? 704 00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:36,160 Was it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? 705 00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,420 Alvy, do you remember where I put my drawing pad? 706 00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,300 Because while you two are doing that, I'm going to do some drawing. 707 00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,540 That's what I call removed! 708 00:40:43,640 --> 00:40:46,500 You have my body. 709 00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:48,780 But I want the whole thing! 710 00:40:48,880 --> 00:40:50,700 I need grass. 711 00:40:50,800 --> 00:40:53,580 It ruins it for me if you have grass. 712 00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:56,820 I'm like a comedian, so if I get a laugh from a person who's high... 713 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:59,620 it doesn't count, 'cause they're always laughing. 714 00:40:59,720 --> 00:41:01,540 Were you always funny? 715 00:41:01,640 --> 00:41:04,200 Is this an interview? We're supposed to be making love. 716 00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:07,460 This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you. 717 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:10,260 Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good. 718 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,660 Let me explain how I work. You can tell off the bat... 719 00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,500 that I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys. 720 00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:17,820 You know they're going to tell you their stories, you're going to fall down. 721 00:41:17,920 --> 00:41:20,540 But I gotta be really talented. Material's got to be sensational for me. 722 00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:24,380 I work... I'm kind of classy. Know what I mean? 723 00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:26,700 Let me explain. I'll open with an opening song. 724 00:41:26,800 --> 00:41:28,660 The music will start. 725 00:41:28,760 --> 00:41:31,420 I walk out. Place looks wonderful from here 726 00:41:31,520 --> 00:41:34,100 You folks look wonderful from here 727 00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,660 And seeing you there With a smile on your face 728 00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:39,020 Makes me shout This must be the place 729 00:41:39,120 --> 00:41:42,060 I stop, and then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you. 730 00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:45,700 I'll say, "I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French. 731 00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:49,620 The only word to know is 'John Dark'. It means the light's out in the bathroom. 732 00:41:49,720 --> 00:41:53,860 - I met a big lumberjack. - Jesus, this guy's pathetic. 733 00:41:53,960 --> 00:41:57,460 Look at him mincing around. Boy, thinks he's real cute. 734 00:41:57,560 --> 00:41:59,700 You want to throw up. 735 00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,680 If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. 736 00:42:04,360 --> 00:42:07,460 I don't know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. 737 00:42:07,560 --> 00:42:09,420 I'm in the wrong business. I know it. 738 00:42:09,520 --> 00:42:13,220 "But, cherie... 739 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,860 what will I do with this, eh?" 740 00:42:15,960 --> 00:42:19,740 He says, "Oh, Marie, sometime you make me so mad!" 741 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,780 They scream at that. Write me something like that, will you? 742 00:42:21,880 --> 00:42:24,440 Kind of a French number. Can you do it? 743 00:42:30,440 --> 00:42:32,420 Where am I? I have to reorient myself. 744 00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,380 This is the University of Wisconsin, right? 745 00:42:34,480 --> 00:42:38,940 Because I'm always tense when I'm playing a college. 746 00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,340 I have a bad history with colleges. I went to New York University. 747 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:45,220 And I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year... 748 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:48,460 for cheating on my metaphysics final. 749 00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:52,660 I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 750 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:56,780 My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom... 751 00:42:56,880 --> 00:42:59,840 and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles. 752 00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:06,580 I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. 753 00:43:06,680 --> 00:43:10,300 I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself... 754 00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,940 but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian. 755 00:43:13,040 --> 00:43:16,520 And if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. 756 00:43:20,240 --> 00:43:24,140 Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. 757 00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:26,860 College audiences are wonderful. 758 00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:29,940 You know what? I think I'm starting to get more of the references, too. 759 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:33,980 Are you? The 12:00 show is completely different than the 9:00. 760 00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:38,160 I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It'll be nice. You'll meet Mother and Father. 761 00:43:38,680 --> 00:43:40,720 They'll hate me immediately. 762 00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:45,080 No, I don't think they're going to hate you at all. Contrary. 763 00:43:45,320 --> 00:43:49,600 It's Easter. We'll sit down and eat. I think they'll really like you. 764 00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:00,040 It's a nice ham this year, Mom. 765 00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:05,060 Grammy always does such a good job. 766 00:44:05,160 --> 00:44:06,820 Great sauce. 767 00:44:06,920 --> 00:44:09,320 It is. It's dynamite ham. 768 00:44:14,880 --> 00:44:16,860 We went to the swap meet. 769 00:44:16,960 --> 00:44:20,420 Annie, Gram and I. Got some nice picture frames. 770 00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:22,680 We really had a good time. 771 00:44:23,280 --> 00:44:28,160 Ann tells us you've been seeing a psychiatrist for 15 years. 772 00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:31,020 Yes. I'm making excellent progress. 773 00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:34,320 Soon, when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib. 774 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:39,980 - Duane and I went to the boat basin. - We caulked hulls all day. 775 00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:42,900 And Randolph Hunt was drunk as usual. 776 00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:47,340 That Randolph Hunt! You remember Randy Hunt, Annie. 777 00:44:47,440 --> 00:44:50,060 - He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes. 778 00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:52,540 I can't believe this family. 779 00:44:52,640 --> 00:44:55,340 Annie's mother is really beautiful. 780 00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:58,980 And they're talking swap meets and boat basins. 781 00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:03,620 The old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater. 782 00:45:03,720 --> 00:45:08,140 They really look American, healthy, like they never get sick or anything. 783 00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:11,280 Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water. 784 00:45:11,640 --> 00:45:14,380 Ah, let him drop dead. Who needs his business? 785 00:45:14,480 --> 00:45:19,860 - His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? Is that an excuse? 786 00:45:19,960 --> 00:45:24,140 The man is 50 years old and doesn't have a substantial job. 787 00:45:24,240 --> 00:45:25,900 Is that a reason to steal from your partner? 788 00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:28,300 You don't know what you're talking about. 789 00:45:28,400 --> 00:45:29,980 Defend him! 790 00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:32,540 Pass the brisket. 791 00:45:32,640 --> 00:45:35,060 Mo Moskowitz. He had a coronary. 792 00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:37,000 You don't say! 793 00:45:37,960 --> 00:45:40,060 How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs. Singer? 794 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:42,140 - We fast. - Fast? 795 00:45:42,240 --> 00:45:45,340 No food. You know, to atone for our sins. 796 00:45:45,440 --> 00:45:47,420 What sins? I don't understand. 797 00:45:47,520 --> 00:45:49,280 Neither do we. 798 00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:53,900 Hi, Duane. How's it going? 799 00:45:54,000 --> 00:45:57,820 - This is my room. - Oh, yeah? It's terrific. 800 00:45:57,920 --> 00:45:59,840 Can I confess something? 801 00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:08,240 I tell you this, because, as an artist, I think you'll understand. 802 00:46:11,080 --> 00:46:13,940 Sometimes when I'm driving... 803 00:46:14,040 --> 00:46:15,900 on the road at night... 804 00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:19,260 I see two headlights coming toward me, fast. 805 00:46:19,360 --> 00:46:21,660 I have this impulse to turn the wheel quickly... 806 00:46:21,760 --> 00:46:23,920 head-on into the oncoming car. 807 00:46:25,000 --> 00:46:27,100 I can anticipate the explosion. 808 00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:31,140 The sound of shattering glass. 809 00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:35,480 The flames rising out of the flowing gasoline. 810 00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:39,440 Right. 811 00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:46,220 I have to go now, Duane, because I'm due back on the planet Earth. 812 00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:48,140 Don't let it be so long now. 813 00:46:48,240 --> 00:46:51,700 - Look up Uncle Billy, promise. - He is adorable. 814 00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,140 - You'll take them to the airport now? - No. Duane can. 815 00:46:54,240 --> 00:46:56,880 - I haven't finished my drink. - Yes, Duane is. I'll be right... 816 00:47:16,240 --> 00:47:17,940 You followed me. I can't believe it! 817 00:47:18,040 --> 00:47:19,900 - I didn't follow you. - You followed me! 818 00:47:20,000 --> 00:47:23,340 Because I was walking a block behind staring at you? That's not following. 819 00:47:23,440 --> 00:47:26,940 - What's your definition of "following"? - Following is different. I was spying. 820 00:47:27,040 --> 00:47:28,580 Do you realize how paranoid you are? 821 00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:30,900 Paranoid? I'm looking at you, and you've got your arms around another guy. 822 00:47:31,000 --> 00:47:33,420 That is the worst kind of paranoid! 823 00:47:33,520 --> 00:47:36,700 I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd surprise you, pick you up after school. 824 00:47:36,800 --> 00:47:40,500 You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? It's your phrase. 825 00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:42,540 You're having an affair with your college professor! 826 00:47:42,640 --> 00:47:47,100 That jerk that teaches that crap course, "Contemporary Crisis in Western Man." 827 00:47:47,200 --> 00:47:49,820 "Existential Motifs in Russian Literature". You're really close. 828 00:47:49,920 --> 00:47:52,060 What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation. 829 00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:54,620 Now we're getting to a subject you know something about. 830 00:47:54,720 --> 00:47:57,540 Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. 831 00:47:57,640 --> 00:48:02,140 We're not having an affair. He's married. He happens to think I'm neat. 832 00:48:02,240 --> 00:48:05,180 Are you 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions. 833 00:48:05,280 --> 00:48:06,940 Who cares? 834 00:48:07,040 --> 00:48:10,540 Next he'll find you're keen and peachy. Then he'll have his hand on your ass. 835 00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:13,500 You've had hostility towards David ever since I mentioned him. 836 00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:15,660 - You call your teacher David? - It's his name. 837 00:48:15,760 --> 00:48:19,180 It's a Biblical name, right? Does he call you Bathsheba? 838 00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:23,260 Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment. 839 00:48:23,360 --> 00:48:26,260 You don't think I'm smart enough. We had that argument last month... 840 00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,960 or don't you remember that day? 841 00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:32,980 - I'm home! - How'd it go? 842 00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:35,900 It was really weird, but she's a very nice woman. 843 00:48:36,000 --> 00:48:39,460 I didn't have to lie on the couch. She had me sitting up. 844 00:48:39,560 --> 00:48:43,260 I told her about the family and my feelings towards men... 845 00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:45,420 and my relationship with my brother. 846 00:48:45,520 --> 00:48:48,100 Then she mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? 847 00:48:48,200 --> 00:48:52,300 I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. 848 00:48:52,400 --> 00:48:56,700 She said I was guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children. 849 00:48:56,800 --> 00:49:01,180 Then, I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love. 850 00:49:01,280 --> 00:49:03,700 All this happened the first hour? That's amazing. 851 00:49:03,800 --> 00:49:07,260 I've been going for 15 years. I don't have nothing like that. 852 00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:09,500 I told her my dream, and then I cried. 853 00:49:09,600 --> 00:49:12,940 You cried. I've never once cried. That's fantastic to me. 854 00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,100 I whine. I sit and I whine. 855 00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:18,860 In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face... 856 00:49:18,960 --> 00:49:20,780 and I can't breathe. 857 00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:22,980 He's strangling me. 858 00:49:23,080 --> 00:49:25,820 Sure, because he's a singer, and you're a singer. It's perfect. 859 00:49:25,920 --> 00:49:28,740 You're trying to suffocate yourself. It makes perfect sense. 860 00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:31,060 That's a perfect analytic insight. 861 00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:34,580 She said your name was Alvy Singer. 862 00:49:34,680 --> 00:49:36,540 - What do you mean, me? - Yeah, you. 863 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:39,700 Because in the dream, I break Sinatra's glasses. 864 00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:44,260 You never said Sinatra had glasses. Are you saying I'm suffocating you? 865 00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:47,500 God, I did this really terrible thing to him... 866 00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:52,020 because then when he sang, it was in this real high-pitch voice. 867 00:49:52,120 --> 00:49:55,620 - What'd the doctor say? - I should come five times a week. 868 00:49:55,720 --> 00:50:00,780 I don't think I mind analysis at all. The question is, will it change my wife? 869 00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,420 - Will it change your wife? - Will it change my life? 870 00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,780 - But you said "wife". - No, I said "life". 871 00:50:06,880 --> 00:50:08,820 - No, you said "wife". - "Life!" I said "life". 872 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:12,500 She said "wife". You heard that, because you were there. I'm not crazy. 873 00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:16,300 Then I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously... 874 00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,700 because you don't think I'm smart enough. 875 00:50:18,800 --> 00:50:22,780 Why do you bring that up? Because I encourage you to take adult education? 876 00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:26,320 It's a wonderful thing. You meet wonderful, interesting professors. 877 00:50:26,440 --> 00:50:30,180 Adult education is junk. The professors are phony. How can you do it? 878 00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:33,020 I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher. 879 00:50:33,120 --> 00:50:37,660 And why are you following me around? We should call this relationship quits. 880 00:50:37,760 --> 00:50:40,700 That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong. 881 00:50:40,800 --> 00:50:44,420 Somewhere she cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? 882 00:50:44,520 --> 00:50:47,820 It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades. 883 00:50:47,920 --> 00:50:50,740 Love fades. God, that's a depressing thought. 884 00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,980 I have to ask you a question. Don't go any further. 885 00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:56,380 With your wife, in bed, does she need some kind of artificial stimulation... 886 00:50:56,480 --> 00:50:58,540 like marijuana? 887 00:50:58,640 --> 00:51:01,140 We use a large vibrating egg. 888 00:51:01,240 --> 00:51:02,980 A large vibrating egg. 889 00:51:03,080 --> 00:51:06,940 I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of answer. Jesus! 890 00:51:07,040 --> 00:51:09,900 You look like a very happy couple. 891 00:51:10,000 --> 00:51:12,100 - Are you? - Yeah. 892 00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:14,540 How do you account for it? 893 00:51:14,640 --> 00:51:18,380 I'm very shallow and empty, and I have no ideas... 894 00:51:18,480 --> 00:51:20,580 and nothing interesting to say. 895 00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:23,820 - I'm exactly the same way. - I see. 896 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,780 That's interesting. So you've managed to work out something? 897 00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:28,220 Right. 898 00:51:28,320 --> 00:51:30,940 Thanks for talking to me. 899 00:51:31,040 --> 00:51:34,820 Even as a kid, I went for the wrong women. I think that's my problem. 900 00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:36,980 When my mother took me to see Snow White... 901 00:51:37,080 --> 00:51:41,360 everyone fell in love with Snow White, and I fell for the wicked queen. 902 00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,580 - We never have any fun anymore. - How can you say that? 903 00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,100 Why not? You're always leaning on me to improve myself. 904 00:51:47,200 --> 00:51:49,420 You're upset. You must be getting your period. 905 00:51:49,520 --> 00:51:53,980 I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon character. Can't I be upset sometimes? 906 00:51:54,080 --> 00:51:57,820 Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date. 907 00:51:57,920 --> 00:51:59,780 I don't want to go out with other women. 908 00:51:59,880 --> 00:52:03,340 Max, I've got a girl for you. You are going to love her. 909 00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:05,180 She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. 910 00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:07,180 There are more people here to see the Maharishi... 911 00:52:07,280 --> 00:52:09,820 than there were to see the Dylan concert. 912 00:52:09,920 --> 00:52:12,940 I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills. 913 00:52:13,040 --> 00:52:18,140 Especially when he sang, "She takes just like a woman... 914 00:52:18,240 --> 00:52:21,020 and she makes love just like a woman. 915 00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:22,940 Yes, she does. 916 00:52:23,040 --> 00:52:26,180 And she aches just like a woman... 917 00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:29,420 but she breaks just like a little girl." 918 00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:32,340 Up to that, the most charismatic event I covered... 919 00:52:32,440 --> 00:52:34,940 was Mick's birthday when the Stones played Madison Square Garden. 920 00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:36,540 That's just great. 921 00:52:36,640 --> 00:52:38,700 You catch Dylan? 922 00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:41,940 No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis. 923 00:52:42,040 --> 00:52:43,860 You have a raccoon? 924 00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,300 A few. 925 00:52:45,400 --> 00:52:48,140 The only word for this is "transplendent". 926 00:52:48,240 --> 00:52:51,820 - It's transplendent. - I can think of another word. 927 00:52:51,920 --> 00:52:54,420 He's God. I mean, this man is God. 928 00:52:54,520 --> 00:52:57,100 He's got millions of followers, who would crawl across the world... 929 00:52:57,200 --> 00:52:59,060 just to touch the hem of his garment. 930 00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:00,980 It must be a tremendous hem. 931 00:53:01,080 --> 00:53:03,780 - I'm a Rosicrucian myself. - Are you? 932 00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:07,900 I can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics. Look. 933 00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:10,140 There's God coming out of the men's room. 934 00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:12,860 It's unbelievably transplendent! 935 00:53:12,960 --> 00:53:16,020 I was at the Stones' concert when they killed that guy. Remember? 936 00:53:16,120 --> 00:53:19,020 Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing... 937 00:53:19,120 --> 00:53:22,200 where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes. 938 00:53:23,200 --> 00:53:25,500 I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish. 939 00:53:25,600 --> 00:53:28,600 Me? No. Don't be silly. 940 00:53:30,200 --> 00:53:33,960 I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now. 941 00:53:35,040 --> 00:53:38,360 Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience. 942 00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:41,340 Thank you. 943 00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:43,780 I mean that as a compliment. 944 00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:48,060 I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm... 945 00:53:48,160 --> 00:53:51,360 to make up for empty areas in life. 946 00:53:53,080 --> 00:53:54,960 Who said that? 947 00:53:57,600 --> 00:54:00,320 I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb. 948 00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:06,520 Hello. 949 00:54:11,360 --> 00:54:14,480 No. What's the matter? 950 00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:18,540 You sound terrible. 951 00:54:18,640 --> 00:54:20,860 No, what... Sure, I... 952 00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:23,100 What kind of emergency? 953 00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:26,780 No, stay there. I'll come over right now. 954 00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:29,120 Just stay there. I'll come right over. 955 00:54:29,240 --> 00:54:31,500 It's me. Open up. Are you okay? 956 00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:34,060 What's the matter? Are you all right? 957 00:54:34,160 --> 00:54:36,380 There's a spider in the bathroom. 958 00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:40,080 - What? - There's a big spider in the bathroom. 959 00:54:41,720 --> 00:54:45,500 You got me here at 3:00 a.m. 'Cause a spider's in the bathroom? 960 00:54:45,600 --> 00:54:49,820 You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with that thing crawling around. 961 00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:52,300 Kill it! What's wrong with you? 962 00:54:52,400 --> 00:54:55,300 Don't you have Raid in the house? 963 00:54:55,400 --> 00:55:00,060 I told you a thousand times to keep a lot of insect spray. 964 00:55:00,160 --> 00:55:02,380 - You never know who will crawl over. - I know. 965 00:55:02,480 --> 00:55:04,500 And a first aid kit and fire extinguisher. 966 00:55:04,600 --> 00:55:06,940 Give me a magazine, 'cause I'm a little tired. 967 00:55:07,040 --> 00:55:10,100 You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything. 968 00:55:10,200 --> 00:55:12,800 An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake. 969 00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:16,940 What is this? Did you go to a rock concert? 970 00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:18,380 Yeah. 971 00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:21,980 Really? How'd you like it? 972 00:55:22,080 --> 00:55:26,060 Was it heavy? Did it achieve total "heavyosity"? 973 00:55:26,160 --> 00:55:28,420 It was just great! 974 00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:31,740 I've got an idea. Call the guy who took you to the rock concert... 975 00:55:31,840 --> 00:55:34,140 and he can come and kill the spider. 976 00:55:34,240 --> 00:55:36,700 I called you. You want to help me or not? 977 00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:40,380 Since when do you read the National Review? What are you turning into? 978 00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:43,500 I like to get all points of view. 979 00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:46,220 Wonderful. Get William F. Buckley to kill the spider. 980 00:55:46,320 --> 00:55:49,180 You're a little hostile, you know that? 981 00:55:49,280 --> 00:55:52,060 Not only that, you look thin and tired. 982 00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:55,300 It's 3:00 in the morning. You got me out of bed. 983 00:55:55,400 --> 00:55:58,340 I ran over. I couldn't get a taxi. You said it was an emergency. 984 00:55:58,440 --> 00:56:00,380 I ran up the stairs. 985 00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:03,660 I was more attractive when the evening began. 986 00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:06,580 Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? 987 00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:09,340 Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? 988 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:13,980 - What am I, your son? I came over for... - I've got the good chocolate. 989 00:56:14,080 --> 00:56:16,860 - Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom. 990 00:56:16,960 --> 00:56:20,780 Don't squish it. After it's dead, flush it down the toilet, okay? 991 00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:24,160 I've been killing spiders since I was 30. Okay? 992 00:56:28,520 --> 00:56:32,060 It's a very big spider. A lot of trouble. There's two of 'em. 993 00:56:32,160 --> 00:56:34,460 I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. 994 00:56:34,560 --> 00:56:39,020 - You got a broom or snow shovel? - I left it at your house. I'm sorry. 995 00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:40,940 What are you doing? 996 00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:43,520 There's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick. 997 00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:54,940 - You got black soap? - It's for my complexion. 998 00:56:55,040 --> 00:56:58,040 Are you joining a minstrel show? 999 00:57:05,440 --> 00:57:06,800 Don't worry. 1000 00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:18,260 I did it. I killed them both. What's the matter? 1001 00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:22,620 What are you sad about? Did you want me to capture and rehabilitate 'em? 1002 00:57:22,720 --> 00:57:25,700 - Don't go, please. - What do you mean? 1003 00:57:25,800 --> 00:57:28,980 What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? 1004 00:57:29,080 --> 00:57:31,220 What's the matter? 1005 00:57:31,320 --> 00:57:33,860 I don't know. I miss you. 1006 00:57:33,960 --> 00:57:36,640 Jesus! Really? 1007 00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:45,400 - Alvy? - What? 1008 00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:50,820 Was there somebody in your room when I called you? 1009 00:57:50,920 --> 00:57:54,380 - What do you mean? - I mean, I thought I heard a voice. 1010 00:57:54,480 --> 00:57:58,360 I had the radio on. I'm sorry, it was the television. 1011 00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:08,620 Let's never break up again. I don't want to be apart. 1012 00:58:08,720 --> 00:58:13,180 I think we're both much too mature for something like that. 1013 00:58:13,280 --> 00:58:15,940 Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? 1014 00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:19,100 For me it's been terrific. You know? 1015 00:58:19,200 --> 00:58:21,620 Better than either of my marriages. 1016 00:58:21,720 --> 00:58:25,860 There's something different about you. I don't know what, but it's great. 1017 00:58:25,960 --> 00:58:31,340 I think, if you let me, I could help you have more fun. 1018 00:58:31,440 --> 00:58:34,380 I know it's hard. Yeah. 1019 00:58:34,480 --> 00:58:37,980 What if we go away this weekend? 1020 00:58:38,080 --> 00:58:41,460 Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? 1021 00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:44,060 We could show you the old neighborhood. That'd be fun for you. 1022 00:58:44,160 --> 00:58:46,200 Yeah, I'd love it. 1023 00:58:47,120 --> 00:58:49,260 God, it's a great day! 1024 00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:52,940 Watch the road! You'll total the car! 1025 00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:55,060 I've never been to Brooklyn. 1026 00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:57,620 - I can't wait to see the neighborhood. - The neighborhood will be great. 1027 00:58:57,720 --> 00:59:00,780 - We could show her the schoolyard. - I was a great athlete. Tell her. 1028 00:59:00,880 --> 00:59:03,420 I was all-schoolyard. 1029 00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:06,500 They threw him a football once. He tried to dribble it. 1030 00:59:06,600 --> 00:59:08,100 I used to lose my glasses a lot. 1031 00:59:08,200 --> 00:59:11,700 Look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live. 1032 00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:13,160 Holy cow! 1033 00:59:14,280 --> 00:59:17,260 You're lucky. Where I used to live is now a pornographic equipment store. 1034 00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,460 I had some very good memories there. 1035 00:59:19,560 --> 00:59:22,500 What good memories, your mother and father fighting all the time? 1036 00:59:22,600 --> 00:59:25,080 And over the most ridiculous things. 1037 00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:27,580 - You fired the cleaning woman? - She was stealing! 1038 00:59:27,680 --> 00:59:30,100 But she's colored. The colored have enough trouble! 1039 00:59:30,200 --> 00:59:32,580 - She was going through my purse. - They're persecuted enough. 1040 00:59:32,680 --> 00:59:36,500 - Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it. 1041 00:59:36,600 --> 00:59:39,740 How can we afford it, on your pay? What if she steals more? 1042 00:59:39,840 --> 00:59:42,780 She's a colored woman from Harlem. She has no money. 1043 00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:46,620 She has a right to steal from us. Who can she steal from if not from us? 1044 00:59:46,720 --> 00:59:49,220 - You're both crazy. - They can't hear you. 1045 00:59:49,320 --> 00:59:51,920 Leo, I married a fool! 1046 00:59:52,080 --> 00:59:54,700 Hey, Max! What's that? 1047 00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:59,040 That's the welcome home party, 1945, for my cousin Herbie. 1048 01:00:02,000 --> 01:00:04,500 Look. That over there is Joey Nichols. 1049 01:00:04,600 --> 01:00:07,540 He was my father's friend. He was always bothering me when I was a kid. 1050 01:00:07,640 --> 01:00:10,420 Joey Nichols. See? Nickels. 1051 01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:13,660 See? Nickels. You see? Nickels. 1052 01:00:13,760 --> 01:00:18,580 You can always remember my name. Just think of Joey Five-Cents. 1053 01:00:18,680 --> 01:00:22,460 That's me. Joey Five-Cents. 1054 01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:24,060 What an asshole. 1055 01:00:24,160 --> 01:00:27,300 The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister, Tessie. 1056 01:00:27,400 --> 01:00:29,940 I was always the sister with good common sense... 1057 01:00:30,040 --> 01:00:32,540 but Tessie was always the one with personality. 1058 01:00:32,640 --> 01:00:35,500 When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie. 1059 01:00:35,600 --> 01:00:38,260 Do you believe Tessie had the personality? 1060 01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:42,020 - She's the life of the ghetto no doubt. - She was once a great beauty. 1061 01:00:42,120 --> 01:00:44,860 Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality. 1062 01:00:44,960 --> 01:00:47,420 I was a great beauty! 1063 01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:51,380 - How did this personality come about? - I was very charming. 1064 01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:53,500 There were many men interested in you? 1065 01:00:53,600 --> 01:00:57,220 I was quite a lively dancer. 1066 01:00:57,320 --> 01:00:59,200 It's very hard to believe. 1067 01:00:59,320 --> 01:01:04,300 I had a really good day. It was a fine way to spend my birthday. 1068 01:01:04,400 --> 01:01:07,420 - Your birthday isn't until tomorrow. - But it's real close. 1069 01:01:07,520 --> 01:01:09,760 But no presents until midnight. 1070 01:01:13,280 --> 01:01:14,620 Happy birthday. 1071 01:01:14,720 --> 01:01:17,700 What is this? Is this a present? Are you kidding? 1072 01:01:17,800 --> 01:01:21,020 - No! Why don't you try it on? - Yeah. 1073 01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:24,820 - This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life. 1074 01:01:24,920 --> 01:01:26,700 Yeah. Forget it. 1075 01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:29,340 Here's a real present. 1076 01:01:29,440 --> 01:01:32,320 - What is this anyway? - Check it out. 1077 01:01:36,520 --> 01:01:40,340 You knew I wanted this. God, it's terrific! 1078 01:01:40,440 --> 01:01:43,680 Just put on the watch and that thing. It'll be perfect. 1079 01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:57,740 Seems like 1080 01:01:57,840 --> 01:02:02,280 Old times 1081 01:02:03,600 --> 01:02:06,900 Having you 1082 01:02:07,000 --> 01:02:09,580 To walk with 1083 01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:12,680 Seems like 1084 01:02:16,040 --> 01:02:20,160 Old times 1085 01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:25,760 Having you to walk with 1086 01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:32,300 And it's still a thrill 1087 01:02:32,400 --> 01:02:37,420 Just to have my arms 1088 01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:39,920 Around you 1089 01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:46,860 Still the thrill 1090 01:02:46,960 --> 01:02:50,740 That it was the day 1091 01:02:50,840 --> 01:02:54,180 I found you 1092 01:02:54,280 --> 01:02:59,660 Seems like 1093 01:02:59,760 --> 01:03:04,040 Old times 1094 01:03:07,120 --> 01:03:12,160 Dinner dates and flowers 1095 01:03:14,520 --> 01:03:19,680 Old times 1096 01:03:21,120 --> 01:03:26,220 Staying up all hours 1097 01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:31,320 Making dreams come true 1098 01:03:32,640 --> 01:03:37,280 Doing things we used 1099 01:03:38,440 --> 01:03:41,680 To do 1100 01:03:43,880 --> 01:03:46,940 Seems like 1101 01:03:47,040 --> 01:03:50,520 Old times 1102 01:03:54,600 --> 01:03:59,480 Here with 1103 01:04:01,360 --> 01:04:05,640 You 1104 01:04:12,080 --> 01:04:13,940 Thank you. 1105 01:04:14,040 --> 01:04:16,140 You were sensational. 1106 01:04:16,240 --> 01:04:19,460 I told you if you stuck to it, you would be great and... 1107 01:04:19,560 --> 01:04:21,580 You were sensational. 1108 01:04:21,680 --> 01:04:24,860 Yeah, they were a terrific audience. 1109 01:04:24,960 --> 01:04:28,380 It makes it easy for me, because I can be... 1110 01:04:28,480 --> 01:04:31,740 Excuse me. Hi, I'm Tony Lacey. 1111 01:04:31,840 --> 01:04:36,420 - We wanted to say we enjoyed your set. - Yeah? Really? 1112 01:04:36,520 --> 01:04:39,340 I thought it was very musical. I liked it a lot. 1113 01:04:39,440 --> 01:04:41,460 That's really nice. Thanks a lot. 1114 01:04:41,560 --> 01:04:45,420 Are you recording? Are you with any label? 1115 01:04:45,520 --> 01:04:48,620 Me? No, not at all. 1116 01:04:48,720 --> 01:04:52,740 I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance. 1117 01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:55,620 Possibly working together. 1118 01:04:55,720 --> 01:05:00,500 That's nice. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? 1119 01:05:00,600 --> 01:05:04,620 I don't, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours. 1120 01:05:04,720 --> 01:05:08,720 This is Shawn, Bob and Petronia. 1121 01:05:11,320 --> 01:05:14,060 We're going back to the Pierre... 1122 01:05:14,160 --> 01:05:17,100 and we're going to meet Jack and Angelica for a drink. 1123 01:05:17,200 --> 01:05:20,180 If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you. 1124 01:05:20,280 --> 01:05:23,740 We can sit and talk. Not a big deal. 1125 01:05:23,840 --> 01:05:27,180 Just relax, be very mellow. 1126 01:05:27,280 --> 01:05:29,340 Remember we had that thing? 1127 01:05:29,440 --> 01:05:30,840 What thing? 1128 01:05:31,720 --> 01:05:34,440 Remember we discussed that thing? 1129 01:05:36,440 --> 01:05:40,860 Oh, the thing! Oh, the thing. Yeah. 1130 01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:45,020 Well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine, too. 1131 01:05:45,120 --> 01:05:49,540 We'll do it another time. If you're on the coast, we'll get together there. 1132 01:05:49,640 --> 01:05:52,100 It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it. 1133 01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:54,440 Nice to have met you. Good night. 1134 01:06:00,240 --> 01:06:03,060 What's the matter? You want to go to that party? 1135 01:06:03,160 --> 01:06:05,700 I don't know. I thought it might be fun. 1136 01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:07,880 It would be nice to meet some new people. 1137 01:06:09,280 --> 01:06:13,740 I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow. 1138 01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:17,340 If I get too mellow, I ripen and rot. 1139 01:06:17,440 --> 01:06:20,620 - It's not good for my... - All right. 1140 01:06:20,720 --> 01:06:23,200 You don't want to go to the party. What do you want to do? 1141 01:06:30,920 --> 01:06:34,220 That day in Brooklyn was the last day I remember having a good time. 1142 01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:38,100 - We never have any laughs anymore. - I've been moody and dissatisfied. 1143 01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:41,100 - How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? 1144 01:06:41,200 --> 01:06:43,420 Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. 1145 01:06:43,520 --> 01:06:47,540 Constantly. I'd say three times a week. Like the other night, Alvy wanted sex. 1146 01:06:47,640 --> 01:06:49,540 She would not sleep with me the other night. 1147 01:06:49,640 --> 01:06:53,780 I don't know. Six months ago I would have done it just to please him. 1148 01:06:53,880 --> 01:06:55,700 I tried everything. 1149 01:06:55,800 --> 01:06:59,140 I put on soft music and my red light bulb. 1150 01:06:59,240 --> 01:07:04,260 Since our discussions here, I feel I have a right to my own feelings. 1151 01:07:04,360 --> 01:07:07,580 I think you would have been happy, because I really asserted myself. 1152 01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:10,020 The incredible thing is, I'm paying for her analysis... 1153 01:07:10,120 --> 01:07:12,740 she's making progress, and I'm getting screwed. 1154 01:07:12,840 --> 01:07:16,980 I feel so guilty, because Alvy is paying for it. 1155 01:07:17,080 --> 01:07:19,260 So I feel guilty if I don't sleep with him. 1156 01:07:19,360 --> 01:07:23,020 But if I do sleep with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings. 1157 01:07:23,120 --> 01:07:27,020 - I'm not making any progress. - I can't win. 1158 01:07:27,120 --> 01:07:29,200 Sometimes I think I should live with a woman. 1159 01:07:29,320 --> 01:07:33,380 I don't believe it. You guys have never snorted coke? 1160 01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:37,460 I always wanted to try, but Alvy's very down on it. 1161 01:07:37,560 --> 01:07:41,020 Don't put it on me. I don't want to put a wad of white powder in my nose. 1162 01:07:41,120 --> 01:07:42,940 There's the nasal membrane. 1163 01:07:43,040 --> 01:07:46,460 - You never want to try anything new. - How can you say that? 1164 01:07:46,560 --> 01:07:51,140 I said you, I and that girl from acting class should sleep together. 1165 01:07:51,240 --> 01:07:54,020 - That's sick. - I know it's sick, but it's new. 1166 01:07:54,120 --> 01:07:56,720 - You didn't say it couldn't be sick. - Come on, Alvy. 1167 01:07:57,720 --> 01:08:00,340 - Do your body a favor. Try it. - It'll be fun. 1168 01:08:00,440 --> 01:08:04,580 I'm sure it's fun, 'cause the Incas did it. They were a million laughs. 1169 01:08:04,680 --> 01:08:06,940 For your own experience. You want to write. Why not? 1170 01:08:07,040 --> 01:08:10,860 It's great stuff, Alvy. A friend just brought it in from California. 1171 01:08:10,960 --> 01:08:14,060 I didn't tell you. We're going to California next week. 1172 01:08:14,160 --> 01:08:17,100 It's really a thrill, as you know. 1173 01:08:17,200 --> 01:08:21,380 On my agent's advice, I sold out and am going to do a TV appearance. 1174 01:08:21,480 --> 01:08:23,820 That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on TV. 1175 01:08:23,920 --> 01:08:26,220 You act like you're violating a moral issue. 1176 01:08:26,320 --> 01:08:30,260 It's so phony. We have to leave New York during Christmas. It kills me. 1177 01:08:30,360 --> 01:08:35,700 Listen, while you're in California, could you score some coke for me? 1178 01:08:35,800 --> 01:08:40,660 Sure, be glad to. I'll just put it in the hollow heel on my boot. 1179 01:08:40,760 --> 01:08:45,060 - How much is this stuff? - About $2,000 an ounce. 1180 01:08:45,160 --> 01:08:47,600 Really? And what is the kick of it? 1181 01:08:58,200 --> 01:09:01,900 I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved out here. 1182 01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:05,780 I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. 1183 01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:09,860 And the women are like in Playboy, but they can move their arms and legs. 1184 01:09:09,960 --> 01:09:13,460 I can't get over that this is really Beverly Hills. 1185 01:09:13,560 --> 01:09:16,420 The architecture is really consistent. There's French next to Spanish... 1186 01:09:16,520 --> 01:09:18,940 next to Tudor next to Japanese. 1187 01:09:19,040 --> 01:09:20,860 It's so clean out here. 1188 01:09:20,960 --> 01:09:24,540 Because they don't throw garbage away. They make it into TV shows. 1189 01:09:24,640 --> 01:09:28,980 - Give us a break. It's Christmas. - Can you believe this is Christmas? 1190 01:09:29,080 --> 01:09:32,580 It was snowing and really gray in New York. 1191 01:09:32,680 --> 01:09:35,180 Nice. Santa Claus will have sun stroke. 1192 01:09:35,280 --> 01:09:38,420 Max, there's no crime, there's no mugging. 1193 01:09:38,520 --> 01:09:40,500 There's no economic crime... 1194 01:09:40,600 --> 01:09:43,620 but there's ritual, religious cult murders. 1195 01:09:43,720 --> 01:09:45,620 There's wheat-germ killers out here. 1196 01:09:45,720 --> 01:09:48,220 While you're out here, I want you to see my TV show. 1197 01:09:48,320 --> 01:09:50,760 And we're invited to a big Christmas party. 1198 01:10:01,400 --> 01:10:04,760 Charlie, give me a good laugh here. 1199 01:10:07,600 --> 01:10:09,500 A little bigger. 1200 01:10:09,600 --> 01:10:12,100 Do you realize how immoral this all is? 1201 01:10:12,200 --> 01:10:14,220 I've got a hit series. 1202 01:10:14,320 --> 01:10:16,240 But you're adding fake laughs. 1203 01:10:18,280 --> 01:10:21,060 Give me a tremendous laugh here. 1204 01:10:21,160 --> 01:10:23,140 We do the show live in front of an audience. 1205 01:10:23,240 --> 01:10:25,340 But nobody laughs, because the jokes aren't funny. 1206 01:10:25,440 --> 01:10:27,920 That's why this machine is dynamite. 1207 01:10:31,680 --> 01:10:34,780 Give me a medium chuckle here... 1208 01:10:34,880 --> 01:10:37,740 and then a big hand. 1209 01:10:37,840 --> 01:10:40,540 Is there booing on that? 1210 01:10:40,640 --> 01:10:43,220 I don't feel well. 1211 01:10:43,320 --> 01:10:46,740 - What's the matter? - I got very dizzy. 1212 01:10:46,840 --> 01:10:49,020 - I feel dizzy. - Sit down. 1213 01:10:49,120 --> 01:10:50,520 Jesus. 1214 01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:54,180 You all right? You want to lie down? 1215 01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:57,140 No. My stomach felt queasy all morning. 1216 01:10:57,240 --> 01:10:59,220 How about a ginger ale? 1217 01:10:59,320 --> 01:11:01,900 No. Maybe I'd better lie down. 1218 01:11:02,000 --> 01:11:05,600 Try to get some of this down. It's just plain chicken. 1219 01:11:07,200 --> 01:11:10,040 No, I can't eat this. I'm nauseous. 1220 01:11:12,240 --> 01:11:15,780 If you could get me something to get me through the next two hours. 1221 01:11:15,880 --> 01:11:19,540 I have to go to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show. 1222 01:11:19,640 --> 01:11:22,180 There's nothing wrong with you as far as I can tell. 1223 01:11:22,280 --> 01:11:25,300 You have no fever, no symptoms of anything serious. 1224 01:11:25,400 --> 01:11:29,380 - You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, Doctor. 1225 01:11:29,480 --> 01:11:33,300 Alvy, that was the show. Everything is fine. They found a replacement. 1226 01:11:33,400 --> 01:11:35,420 They're going to tape without you. 1227 01:11:35,520 --> 01:11:38,000 Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? 1228 01:11:39,600 --> 01:11:42,260 - I can't find any reason for this. - Nothing at all? 1229 01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:46,180 - I could get a lab man up here. - Hand me the salt, please. 1230 01:11:46,280 --> 01:11:50,140 Perhaps it would be better if we took him to the hospital. 1231 01:11:50,240 --> 01:11:51,580 The hospital? 1232 01:11:51,680 --> 01:11:54,880 - There's no other way to diagnose him. - This is not bad, actually. 1233 01:11:59,840 --> 01:12:03,020 Don't tell me we're going to have to walk from the car to the house? 1234 01:12:03,120 --> 01:12:05,980 My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles. 1235 01:12:06,080 --> 01:12:09,700 I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy. 1236 01:12:09,800 --> 01:12:11,900 I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie. 1237 01:12:12,000 --> 01:12:14,580 - You take a meeting with him. - All the good meetings are taken. 1238 01:12:14,680 --> 01:12:16,500 Right now it's only a notion. 1239 01:12:16,600 --> 01:12:20,520 I think I can get money to make it into a concept, then turn it into an idea. 1240 01:12:21,480 --> 01:12:23,180 Like this house, Max? 1241 01:12:23,280 --> 01:12:25,700 Even wrote a road map to get us to the bathroom. 1242 01:12:25,800 --> 01:12:27,740 You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party. 1243 01:12:27,840 --> 01:12:29,460 What difference does that make? 1244 01:12:29,560 --> 01:12:31,380 I think he has a thing for Annie. 1245 01:12:31,480 --> 01:12:35,260 - No. He goes with that girl over there. - Where? 1246 01:12:35,360 --> 01:12:38,220 - The one with the VPL. - VPL? 1247 01:12:38,320 --> 01:12:41,180 Visible panty line. She's gorgeous. 1248 01:12:41,280 --> 01:12:44,340 She's a ten. That's great for you, 'cause you're used to two's, aren't you? 1249 01:12:44,440 --> 01:12:45,940 There are no two's. 1250 01:12:46,040 --> 01:12:48,540 You're used to the kind with shopping bags walking through Central Park... 1251 01:12:48,640 --> 01:12:51,140 with the surgical masks on, muttering. 1252 01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:53,940 How do you like this couple? They look like they're from Masters and Johnson. 1253 01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:57,820 Intensive care ward. My God! 1254 01:12:57,920 --> 01:13:01,760 - I think she's giving me the eye. - If she comes over, my brain will mush. 1255 01:13:03,040 --> 01:13:05,580 You're Alvy Singer, right? Didn't we meet at EST? 1256 01:13:05,680 --> 01:13:07,420 No, I was never to EST. 1257 01:13:07,520 --> 01:13:10,460 - Then how can you criticize it? - He didn't say anything. 1258 01:13:10,560 --> 01:13:14,620 I came to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis. 1259 01:13:14,720 --> 01:13:17,340 - He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How do you do? 1260 01:13:17,440 --> 01:13:20,380 - Do you taste for poisoned food? - Yeah, he's great. 1261 01:13:20,480 --> 01:13:22,780 You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. 1262 01:13:22,880 --> 01:13:26,580 - Uri Geller must be on the premises. - We're going to operate together. 1263 01:13:26,680 --> 01:13:31,420 In about six weeks we could cut the whole album. 1264 01:13:31,520 --> 01:13:33,820 I don't know. This is strange to me. 1265 01:13:33,920 --> 01:13:36,780 You can stay here. Use the whole wing in this house. 1266 01:13:36,880 --> 01:13:41,300 - Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? 1267 01:13:41,400 --> 01:13:44,700 Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good leading. 1268 01:13:44,800 --> 01:13:49,060 This is a great house: Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts. 1269 01:13:49,160 --> 01:13:53,220 You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy then Legs Diamond. 1270 01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,500 - Then you know who lived here? - Trigger. 1271 01:13:56,600 --> 01:13:59,840 Charlie Chaplin, right before his un-American thing. 1272 01:14:01,280 --> 01:14:05,300 - But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there. 1273 01:14:05,400 --> 01:14:10,180 I used to live there for years, but it's so dirty now. 1274 01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:14,340 - I'm into garbage. It's my thing. - This is a nice screening room. 1275 01:14:14,440 --> 01:14:16,540 There's another thing about New York. 1276 01:14:16,640 --> 01:14:18,660 If you want to see a movie, you have to stand on line. 1277 01:14:18,760 --> 01:14:21,020 It could be freezing or raining. And here... 1278 01:14:21,120 --> 01:14:23,460 We saw Grand Illusion here last night. 1279 01:14:23,560 --> 01:14:26,380 That's a great film if you're high. It's really funny. 1280 01:14:26,480 --> 01:14:29,580 Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing up there. 1281 01:14:29,680 --> 01:14:31,660 I'm cool. 1282 01:14:31,760 --> 01:14:34,580 It's wonderful. They eat and watch movies all day. 1283 01:14:34,680 --> 01:14:38,940 And gradually you get old and die. It's important to make an effort sometimes. 1284 01:14:39,040 --> 01:14:41,260 - Do you think his girlfriend's pretty? - She's great looking. 1285 01:14:41,360 --> 01:14:44,540 A little on the androgynous side. 1286 01:14:44,640 --> 01:14:46,520 I forgot my mantra. 1287 01:15:04,440 --> 01:15:06,580 That was fun. 1288 01:15:06,680 --> 01:15:09,660 I don't think California is bad at all. 1289 01:15:09,760 --> 01:15:11,900 It's a drag coming home. 1290 01:15:12,000 --> 01:15:15,900 A lot of beautiful women. It was fun to flirt. 1291 01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:18,020 I have to face facts. 1292 01:15:18,120 --> 01:15:22,540 I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesn't seem to work anymore. 1293 01:15:22,640 --> 01:15:26,180 I'll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. 1294 01:15:26,280 --> 01:15:28,100 Why do I need this? 1295 01:15:28,200 --> 01:15:32,900 If only I had the nerve to break up, but it would really hurt him. 1296 01:15:33,000 --> 01:15:36,380 If only I didn't feel guilty asking Annie to move out. 1297 01:15:36,480 --> 01:15:39,660 It'd probably wreck her, but I should be honest. 1298 01:15:39,760 --> 01:15:42,340 Alvy, let's face it. 1299 01:15:42,440 --> 01:15:45,980 I don't think our relationship is working. 1300 01:15:46,080 --> 01:15:48,980 I know. A relationship is like a shark: 1301 01:15:49,080 --> 01:15:52,220 It has to constantly move forward or it dies. 1302 01:15:52,320 --> 01:15:56,060 And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark. 1303 01:15:56,160 --> 01:15:58,780 - Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? - If it has my name on it... 1304 01:15:58,880 --> 01:16:00,940 I guess it's mine. 1305 01:16:01,040 --> 01:16:06,540 You wrote your name in all my books, 'cause you knew this day would come. 1306 01:16:06,640 --> 01:16:09,940 You wanted to break up just as much as I do. 1307 01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:13,780 No question. I think we're doing the mature thing. 1308 01:16:13,880 --> 01:16:17,020 Look. All the books on death and dying are yours. 1309 01:16:17,120 --> 01:16:19,420 And all the poetry books are mine. 1310 01:16:19,520 --> 01:16:22,780 Denial of Death. This is the first book I got you. 1311 01:16:22,880 --> 01:16:24,700 Remember that day? 1312 01:16:24,800 --> 01:16:27,280 I feel like there's a great weight off my back. 1313 01:16:28,920 --> 01:16:30,780 Thanks, honey. 1314 01:16:30,880 --> 01:16:35,980 I mean, no. I think it's important for us to explore new relationships. 1315 01:16:36,080 --> 01:16:40,940 There's no question about that, because we've given this a more than fair shot. 1316 01:16:41,040 --> 01:16:43,100 My analyst thinks this move is key for me. 1317 01:16:43,200 --> 01:16:47,380 And I trust her, because my analyst recommended her. 1318 01:16:47,480 --> 01:16:50,420 Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? 1319 01:16:50,520 --> 01:16:53,860 You know what the beauty part is? We can always come back together again. 1320 01:16:53,960 --> 01:16:56,020 - There's no problem. - Exactly. 1321 01:16:56,120 --> 01:17:00,540 I don't think many couples could handle this, break up and remain friends. 1322 01:17:00,640 --> 01:17:03,180 This button is mine. Remember? 1323 01:17:03,280 --> 01:17:06,820 These are yours. "Impeach Eisenhower." "Impeach Nixon." 1324 01:17:06,920 --> 01:17:10,400 "Impeach Lyndon Johnson." "Impeach Ronald Reagan." 1325 01:17:11,840 --> 01:17:15,140 I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake. 1326 01:17:15,240 --> 01:17:18,140 She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey. 1327 01:17:18,240 --> 01:17:21,620 If she is, then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her stay. 1328 01:17:21,720 --> 01:17:24,420 - He's a jerk for one thing. - He graduated Harvard. 1329 01:17:24,520 --> 01:17:28,280 Harvard makes mistakes, too. Kissinger taught there. 1330 01:17:29,200 --> 01:17:31,460 Don't tell me you're jealous? 1331 01:17:31,560 --> 01:17:33,580 Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea. 1332 01:17:33,680 --> 01:17:37,180 Can I show you something? I found this in the apartment. 1333 01:17:37,280 --> 01:17:41,820 Black soap. She used to wash her face 800 times a day with black soap. 1334 01:17:41,920 --> 01:17:43,820 Don't ask me why. 1335 01:17:43,920 --> 01:17:46,300 Why don't you go out with other women? 1336 01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:49,500 I tried, but it's very depressing. 1337 01:17:49,600 --> 01:17:52,380 This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! 1338 01:17:52,480 --> 01:17:55,500 What are you making such a big deal about? 1339 01:17:55,600 --> 01:17:58,140 They're only lobsters. 1340 01:17:58,240 --> 01:18:01,380 - You're adult. You can pick up lobsters. - I'm not myself since I quit smoking. 1341 01:18:01,480 --> 01:18:04,580 - When did you quit? - Sixteen years ago. 1342 01:18:04,680 --> 01:18:07,400 - What do you mean? - Mean? 1343 01:18:08,480 --> 01:18:11,360 You stopped smoking 16 years ago. Is that what you said? 1344 01:18:13,120 --> 01:18:15,340 I don't understand. 1345 01:18:15,440 --> 01:18:17,960 Are you joking or what? 1346 01:18:28,800 --> 01:18:30,860 Central Park's turning green. 1347 01:18:30,960 --> 01:18:35,580 I saw that lunatic we used to see with the pinwheel hat... 1348 01:18:35,680 --> 01:18:37,980 and the roller-skates. 1349 01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:41,340 Listen, I want you to come back here. 1350 01:18:41,440 --> 01:18:44,720 Well, then I'm going to come out there and get you. 1351 01:18:48,920 --> 01:18:51,100 What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? 1352 01:18:51,200 --> 01:18:55,180 I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in. 1353 01:18:55,280 --> 01:18:57,980 I flew in to see you. 1354 01:18:58,080 --> 01:19:01,140 Can we not debate this on the telephone... 1355 01:19:01,240 --> 01:19:03,900 because I've got a temperature... 1356 01:19:04,000 --> 01:19:07,920 and I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea again. 1357 01:19:08,040 --> 01:19:10,340 Wherever you want to meet. I don't care. 1358 01:19:10,440 --> 01:19:12,320 I'll drive in. I rented a car. 1359 01:19:13,440 --> 01:19:15,260 I'm driving. 1360 01:19:15,360 --> 01:19:18,200 What, is that such a miracle? I'm driving myself. 1361 01:19:33,800 --> 01:19:36,540 I'm going to have the alfalfa sprouts... 1362 01:19:36,640 --> 01:19:40,120 and a plate of mashed yeast. 1363 01:19:58,880 --> 01:20:00,460 You look pretty. 1364 01:20:00,560 --> 01:20:04,040 No, I just lost a little weight, that's all. 1365 01:20:08,280 --> 01:20:10,980 Well, you look nice. 1366 01:20:11,080 --> 01:20:14,740 I think we should get married. 1367 01:20:14,840 --> 01:20:16,240 Come on. 1368 01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:22,260 Why, you want to live out here? It's like living in Munchkinland. 1369 01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:25,940 What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here. 1370 01:20:26,040 --> 01:20:29,260 Tony's very nice. 1371 01:20:29,360 --> 01:20:32,380 I meet people, go to parties and play tennis. 1372 01:20:32,480 --> 01:20:35,100 That's a very big step for me. 1373 01:20:35,200 --> 01:20:38,180 I'm able to enjoy people more. 1374 01:20:38,280 --> 01:20:41,140 You're not going to come back to New York? 1375 01:20:41,240 --> 01:20:44,940 What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. 1376 01:20:45,040 --> 01:20:48,220 You didn't read Death in Venice until I bought it for you. 1377 01:20:48,320 --> 01:20:51,540 That's right. You only gave me books with the word "death" in the title. 1378 01:20:51,640 --> 01:20:53,860 Because it's an important issue. 1379 01:20:53,960 --> 01:20:56,820 You're incapable of enjoying life. You know that? 1380 01:20:56,920 --> 01:20:59,220 You're like New York City. You're just this person. 1381 01:20:59,320 --> 01:21:01,780 You're like this island unto yourself. 1382 01:21:01,880 --> 01:21:04,820 I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is. 1383 01:21:04,920 --> 01:21:09,120 If one guy is starving someplace, it puts a crimp in my evening. 1384 01:21:11,440 --> 01:21:13,280 Do you want to get married? 1385 01:21:15,320 --> 01:21:18,300 No. We're friends. 1386 01:21:18,400 --> 01:21:21,000 I want to remain friends. 1387 01:21:23,000 --> 01:21:24,340 Check please. 1388 01:21:24,440 --> 01:21:27,260 You're mad, aren't you? 1389 01:21:27,360 --> 01:21:30,100 Yes, of course I'm mad, because you love me. I know that. 1390 01:21:30,200 --> 01:21:32,580 I can't say that that's true at this point in my life. 1391 01:21:32,680 --> 01:21:35,260 I really can't say that's true. 1392 01:21:35,360 --> 01:21:38,140 You know how wonderful you are. 1393 01:21:38,240 --> 01:21:41,900 You're the reason I got out of my room, that I was able to sing... 1394 01:21:42,000 --> 01:21:46,140 and get more in touch with my feelings and all that crap. 1395 01:21:46,240 --> 01:21:48,520 Listen, listen. 1396 01:21:49,760 --> 01:21:51,400 So what are you up to? 1397 01:21:53,720 --> 01:21:57,480 The usual. I'm trying to write. I'm working on a play. 1398 01:21:59,240 --> 01:22:01,720 Are you saying you're not coming back to New York with me? 1399 01:22:03,000 --> 01:22:07,540 No. Look. I gotta go. 1400 01:22:07,640 --> 01:22:10,820 What do you mean? I flew 3,000 miles to see you. 1401 01:22:10,920 --> 01:22:13,540 Air miles. Do you know what that does to my stomach? 1402 01:22:13,640 --> 01:22:15,540 If you must know, it's a hectic time for Tony. 1403 01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,500 - The Grammys are tonight. - The what? 1404 01:22:17,600 --> 01:22:19,620 The Grammys. He's got a lot of records up for awards. 1405 01:22:19,720 --> 01:22:22,300 They give awards for that music? I thought just ear plugs. 1406 01:22:22,400 --> 01:22:25,780 Just forget it. Let's just forget the conversation. 1407 01:22:25,880 --> 01:22:28,820 They do nothing but give out awards. I can't believe it. 1408 01:22:28,920 --> 01:22:31,960 Greatest Fascist Dictator: Adolph Hitler. 1409 01:23:00,960 --> 01:23:03,700 I know what you're going to say. I'm not a great driver. 1410 01:23:03,800 --> 01:23:06,780 - I have some problems with... - May I see your license, please? 1411 01:23:06,880 --> 01:23:09,340 Just don't get angry. 1412 01:23:09,440 --> 01:23:13,160 I have my license here. It's a rented car. 1413 01:23:15,040 --> 01:23:18,220 Don't give me your life's story. 1414 01:23:18,320 --> 01:23:20,460 Just pick up the license. 1415 01:23:20,560 --> 01:23:24,220 You have to ask nicely, because I've had a rough day. My girlfriend... 1416 01:23:24,320 --> 01:23:26,720 Just give me the license, please. 1417 01:23:28,400 --> 01:23:31,060 Since you put it that way, it's hard for me to refuse. 1418 01:23:31,160 --> 01:23:34,100 I have a terrific problem with authority. 1419 01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:36,480 It's not your fault. Don't take it personal. 1420 01:23:44,360 --> 01:23:46,840 So long, fellows. Keep in touch. 1421 01:23:55,960 --> 01:23:59,580 Imagine my surprise when I got your call. 1422 01:23:59,680 --> 01:24:02,780 Yeah. I had the feeling I got you at a bad moment. 1423 01:24:02,880 --> 01:24:05,020 I heard high-pitched squealing. 1424 01:24:05,120 --> 01:24:06,560 Twins, Max. 1425 01:24:07,400 --> 01:24:09,400 Sixteen-year-olds. 1426 01:24:10,840 --> 01:24:14,380 Can you imagine the mathematical possibilities of that? 1427 01:24:14,480 --> 01:24:17,820 You're an actor. You should be doing Shakespeare in the park. 1428 01:24:17,920 --> 01:24:21,060 I did Shakespeare in the park. I got mugged. 1429 01:24:21,160 --> 01:24:24,440 I was playing Richard II. Two guys with leather jackets stole my leotard. 1430 01:24:29,760 --> 01:24:32,900 Are we driving through plutonium? 1431 01:24:33,000 --> 01:24:36,320 Keeps out the alpha rays. You don't get old. 1432 01:24:38,520 --> 01:24:41,660 You're a thinking person. How can you choose this lifestyle? 1433 01:24:41,760 --> 01:24:44,380 What is so great about New York? 1434 01:24:44,480 --> 01:24:47,500 It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. 1435 01:24:47,600 --> 01:24:49,860 You didn't read Death in Venice until I gave it to you. 1436 01:24:49,960 --> 01:24:52,180 You only give me books with the word "death" in the title. 1437 01:24:52,280 --> 01:24:55,980 - It's an important issue. - You're incapable of enjoying life. 1438 01:24:56,080 --> 01:24:59,020 You're like New York. You're an island. 1439 01:24:59,120 --> 01:25:02,580 Okay. If that's all that we've been through together means to you... 1440 01:25:02,680 --> 01:25:06,140 it's better if we just said good-bye, once and for all. 1441 01:25:06,240 --> 01:25:07,700 It's funny. 1442 01:25:07,800 --> 01:25:10,060 After all the serious talks and passionate moments... 1443 01:25:10,160 --> 01:25:13,560 that it ends here, in a health food restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. 1444 01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:16,540 Good-bye, Sally. 1445 01:25:16,640 --> 01:25:20,860 Wait. I'm going to go with you. 1446 01:25:20,960 --> 01:25:22,880 I love you. 1447 01:25:26,120 --> 01:25:28,860 What do you want? It was my first play. 1448 01:25:28,960 --> 01:25:31,900 You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art... 1449 01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:35,060 because it's real difficult in life. 1450 01:25:35,160 --> 01:25:39,500 Interestingly, however, I did run into Annie again. 1451 01:25:39,600 --> 01:25:41,540 It was on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. 1452 01:25:41,640 --> 01:25:45,180 She had moved back to New York. She was living in Soho with some guy. 1453 01:25:45,280 --> 01:25:49,180 When I met her, she was dragging him in to see The Sorrow and the Pity... 1454 01:25:49,280 --> 01:25:51,740 which I counted as a personal triumph. 1455 01:25:51,840 --> 01:25:54,460 Annie and I had lunch sometime after that... 1456 01:25:54,560 --> 01:25:58,420 and just kicked around old times. 1457 01:25:58,520 --> 01:26:02,480 Just to have my arms 1458 01:26:04,480 --> 01:26:06,400 Around you 1459 01:26:09,920 --> 01:26:13,280 Still the thrill 1460 01:26:13,880 --> 01:26:16,980 That it was the day 1461 01:26:17,080 --> 01:26:19,280 I found you 1462 01:26:20,160 --> 01:26:23,280 Seems like 1463 01:26:25,440 --> 01:26:30,000 Old times 1464 01:26:32,480 --> 01:26:37,680 Dinner dates and flowers 1465 01:26:40,400 --> 01:26:42,360 Old times 1466 01:26:43,720 --> 01:26:46,460 After that, it got late and we both had to go. 1467 01:26:46,560 --> 01:26:48,620 But it was great seeing Annie again. 1468 01:26:48,720 --> 01:26:51,300 I realize what a terrific person she was... 1469 01:26:51,400 --> 01:26:54,140 and how much fun it was just knowing her. 1470 01:26:54,240 --> 01:26:57,700 And I thought of that old joke. 1471 01:26:57,800 --> 01:27:02,420 This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. 1472 01:27:02,520 --> 01:27:04,980 He thinks he's a chicken." 1473 01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:07,260 The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" 1474 01:27:07,360 --> 01:27:10,260 The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." 1475 01:27:10,360 --> 01:27:14,700 Well, I guess that's, now, how I feel about relationships. 1476 01:27:14,800 --> 01:27:19,580 They're totally irrational, crazy and absurd. 1477 01:27:19,680 --> 01:27:22,540 But I guess we keep going through it... 1478 01:27:22,640 --> 01:27:25,720 because most of us need the eggs. 1479 01:29:26,760 --> 01:29:26,840 THE END