- Good evening Mr. Brown - Good evening Gladys
You'll get me shot! They're for her ladyship
She won't miss one
- ls the old dragon in? - Yes the old dragon is in
- Oh, good evening - l'll tae that
Are we economising on biscuits, Gladys?
l'll get you some more
- l don't thinkk she lies me - She doesn't lie anybody
- By the way, many happy returns of the day - How did you now it was my birthday?
l saw your date of birth last wee in her ladyship's ledger
- Accidentally of course - Oh, of course
You haven't told anyone else it's my birthday, have you?
No, not a soul
Quic please! Teacher coming
- Good evening - Ready. Von, two, tree
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday Mr. Brown! Happy birthday to you
- Wasn't that nice? - Hadn't told a soul, eh?
Well l might have mentioned it to one or two people
Than you all for your good wishes
- We are wanting to show our appreciation - That's very ind of you
- And we are all buying you a little present - What? Oh, no
- You shouldn't have - But we already have
May your shadow never diminish
- Than you! Can l open it now? - Yes please
lt is somethinkg for you to be using every day
- A pen, very nice - lt is what you are calling a waterfall pen
- A waterfall pen? - That is correct
- Ah, you mean a fountain pen - A thousand apologies for my ignorance
Excuse me
- What for you buy a pen? - For the birthday
- l buy the pen - l am not nowing what you are buying
You tae your pen and change for somethinkg else
No, it's you who must be changing! Teacher prefer my pen
How you now?
Mr. Brown, my pen is much better
- lt write underwater - l'm sure that's very useful
My pen is writing in different colours
Loo, l'll tell you what l'll do! l'll tae both pens
After all, two pens are better than one
- Excuse please - Yes Taro
Three pens better than two
- You haven't? - Yeso
l'll tell you what! Rather than show any preference
lt might be a good idea if you all exchanged your pens for somethinkg else
Than you
- Por favore? - Yes Juan
- Felicidadas compleanos - Por favor, Pardon?
- Happy bornday - Birthday
- Si, si - Than you
- l wonder what this is - Pluma estilografica
- Yes what's that? - A pen
Oh dear!
- l change? - Yeah l think so... but than you
- Happy birthday professori - Than you Giovanni
For you!
Well at least, it's not a pen
- lt's a salami! Mucha garlic, very strong - Yes, l can smell that! Than you
- Excuse me please! Many happy returnings - Than you Ali
l am buying for you nothinkg at all
Oh well, never mind
- But l am giving you this - A card?
Oh no, inside you will be finding a gift voucher from Arrid's
- Harrods? - Yes please
You can be buying anythinkg whatsoever you are wishing
- Anythinkg? - Oh yes
From Harrods of Knightsbridge?
No please Arrids of Camden!
Abraham Arrids! Second hand shop! Nothinkg over a pound
Oh well than you Ali
Yes Jamila
- Hoppy - Happy, yes
- Bertday - Well done! Than you
Very nice
Holly
- Holly? - Holly
Holy
- Worn by Gaai - Gaai? A holy mon?
No Gaai!
Holy Cow
And now it's my turn to give you somethinkg
Yes Danielle
But first, l wish you happy birthday lie we do in France
Quiet! Quiet!
San you... Than you Danielle
- And l have somethinkg else very French - Than you
- Eau de toilette! Merci beaucoup - Je vous en prie
lt is a pleasure for me to give you somethinkg
Excuse me please!
What is the nature of the gift you are receiving from Danielle?
Eau de toilette! Toilet water! You put it on your face
Oh blimey!! You are putting water from the toilet on your face?
- No Ali, not that ind of toilet water - Jelly good
May the spillit of universal blotherhood descend upon you
- l'm sure it will - Boo to lead evely day
- l hope it's a good read - The best! Thoughts of Chairman Mao
- Very uprifting! Lifting - Personarry autoglaphed
- By Mao? - By me
- Now is me - Yes Anna
l haf made for you a grosse apfel strudel
- Very grosse! Dane - Bitte
Than you all for you generous gifts
But l really think we ought to get on with our lesson
Now, this wee we are going to loo at the vowel sounds
- Anybody now what a vowel sound is? - Yes please
- lt is rumbling tummy - Ali, vowel not bowel
- Sorry please - There are five vowels in the alphabet
- A, E, l, O, U - A, E, l, O, U
Firstly, we will tae the letter A
This can be pronounced in three different ways! lt can be Ay, A, or AH
Ay, A, or Ah
- Excuse me - Yes Max?
l am not understanding how can a A be a R?
lt isn't the letter R, but sometimes it is pronounced AR
Dio Gratios, what a language!
l'll give you some examples! Let us tae the word FAT
- Now that has a flat A sound! AH - AH
Good
But if we add an E to the end of fat
- What do we have? - Fatty
No Giovanni, Fate
Does anybody now what the word fate means?
- Por favore - Yes Juan
- Two fate - Two fate?
Si senor, one right fate, one left fate
No Juan, those are feet
Perdon
Now moving on to the E! The letter E is usually pronounced ''eh'' as in bet, set, get
But there are of course exceptions to the rule!
For example, FETE is also pronounced Fete
Si senor, one right fete, one left fete
- No, no Juan - No?
- Those are feet, l told you before - lt's alright, it's alright
Let's move on to the letter l which is usually pronounced l or lh
Can anybody give me an example of the lH sound?
How would you pronounce FlT?
- Feet - Si senor, one right feet, one left feet
- No Juan - No?
- lmbecile - lmbecile tu
lf you want to argue, argue in English
- Go bac to ltaly you italian spaghetti - You big spanish omellette
Excuse me, her ladyship wants to see you in her office
Than you Gladys! l'll be in in a moment
Maybe she's gonna give you the birthday present
Yes and maybe the pope is getting married
He is? l never read that
lt was ajoe
Loo l'll be as quic as l can
Meanwhile, if you all turn to page eighty three
And study the sentences giving examples of various vowel sounds
Giovanni, would you tae charge of the class while l'm away?
Sure
Allow me
O, l'm in charge! Who wants the vino?
Enter
- You wanted to see me Miss Courtney? - Yes
- l understand it's your birthday - That's correct! Another milestone
Personally, l don't believe in celebrating birthdays
l fail to see how the passing of years can be an occasion for rejoicing
No of course! You're right l suppose
Now Mr. Brown! When you commenced teaching here, l said l'd give you a month trial
- Yes - That month is now up
And l feel it's only fair to you to put an end to your worry about the future
That's very ind of you Miss Courtney and l assure you, you won't regret it
l now l won't
Miss Hardacre will start on Wednesday
- Miss Hardacre? - Yes
She will be taing over your class
You remember i did tell you l prefer women teachers
You mean l've got the push?
Let's just say we no longer require your services
l feel that Miss Hardacre will be much more suitable
Well in that case, l suggest you get Miss much suitable Hardacre to tae over tonight
Because l'm going home
- You can'tjust wal out lie that? - Oh yes l can
l won't say it's been a pleasure because it hasn't
All l can say is ''ln lndia you'd be sacred''
10 p.
Oay, l stic
Pontoon, five card trics only
- What you got? - Queen of heart, Jocey of spades
You should not be playing the cards! You should be learning the English
Anna is right! You should be improving your mind
You can improve my mind anytime! How about tonight?
We have the meal, a couple of glass of wine, then bac to my place to mae love
- That is not improving the mind - No, but it's very good for the body
Teacher is coming!
Would you all pay attention please! l have somethinkg rather important to tell you
l'm afraid that Miss Courtney has terminated my engagement
- That is very big surprise to me - Yes it was a bit of a shoc to me as well
We are not nowing that you and Miss Courtney were engaged
You don't understand
l mean to coin a phrase l've been given the boot
Si senor, one right boot, one left boot
No Juan, can't you understand! l've been fired - l've been given the bullet
Santa Maria! She tried to shoot you?
No, l've been dismissed
- Dismissed? - Yes
- You are reaving us? - l'm afraid so
Mais c'est incroyable, c'est formidable enfin!
- Why you leave? - Miss Courtney doesn't think l'm suitable
We go spea to her
l'm afraid that speaing to her won't do any good at all
O.K. We twist her arms a little bit
Yes, we tell here if she not let you stay, we wor her over
You'll do nothinkg of the sort! We don't have Mafia tactics in this country
Vat is going to happen to us?
Another teacher will be taing over the class! A Miss Hardacre
- l'm already not liing her - lt's not fair! On your birthday
As they say in France, ''C'est la vie''
Well, l've enjoyed meeting you all
l wish you all every success with your studies in the future
- Good bye Su Lee - Velly solly to roose you
- Jamila - Good efening
Anna!
- Max - Goodbye Mr. Brown
Taro!
- Good luco - Thano
- Juan - Yes amigo
Ranjeet
- l am wishing you, all you're wishing yourself - Than you
- Giovanni - lt's very sad
Please Giovanni you mustn't be upset
l can't help it! l'm emotional
Oh blimey, you are starting me off now you damn fool
Come on Ali, it's not the end of the world
- Goodbye - Goodbye
Danielle!
There will always be a place for you... Right here...
That's very ind of you
Well, goodbye everybody! Than you for your presents
Good luc
- l thought you'd gone - Just collecting my thinkgs
- Goodbye - Goodbye
Now, as you are no doubt aware Mr. Brown is no longer with us
lt is maing us very sad
l've telephoned your new teacher, Miss Hardacre and she will be arriving shortly
ln the meantime, l shall tae the class
Now then, let's see how you're progressing
You!
- What is this? - Pencil
- lt's not a pencil - lt is looing lie a pencil to me
Let's try again
- What's this? - A finger
- Did Mr. Brown teach you anythinkg? - Yes please
He is maing us wor lie the clippers
- Clappers - Clippers or clappers
We are woring very hard
We are all very sad he has gone
Quiet now! Quiet!
lt's really no concern of yours
l'm sure you'll find Miss Hardacre more than efficient
After all, a woman can do everythinkg a man can do
- Not everythinkg - l'm speaing academically
Excuse me Miss Courtney! There's a person out here who wants to see you
- What sort of person? - l'm not sure
- Miss Courtney? - Yes
Hardacre!
Oh, l thought they were sending me a woman
l am a woman
l do beg your pardon! lt must've been...
Perhaps you'd lie to come to my office to have a cup of coffee
No, no time for coffee! We must get started
Crac the whip, show them who's boss! Keep them on their toes
And by the loo of them, they need it
Beautifully put!
- But l think we ought to have a little chat first - Very well
ln the meantime, you can go on studying your boos
Don't tal! Sit still, l'll be bac immediately
Oh blimey, what a funny woman we are having
l don't think l am going to lie this new teacher
- l go home - l go home too
What is the use of going home? You cannot learn the English at home
- Maybe l find a way - There is no way
l'm thinking if we mae new teacher go, perhaps Mr. Brown is coming bac
- How we mae new teacher go? - Very easy
That's not good! We get the blood all over the class
Much better we push her out of the window
lt is looing lie we are being stuc with her
We must do somethinkg
- lt is duty to obey erected authorities - Not so
- Raws are made to be obeyed - Not if laws is bad law
- Principals action unjust - He's right
But what do we do? There's nothinkg we can do
- Hey, l got an idea - What idea?
- We have a strie - Yeah, let's have the strie
What is a strie? Does this mean we are going to be fighting?
No, no, no! A strie! lt's lie a big onions
- Vat onions? - The trade onions
Excuse please! l am thinking your strie not going to be woring
- What we are needing is to be revolting - And l'm thinking you are already revolting
You are asing for ic up the Khyber!
Hey, lets not quarrel among ourselves
- l now, why don't we have a sit out? - You mean a sit in
- Much better adopt poricy of non coopulation - Por favore?
When new teacher alives in crassloom we no co-opulate! Known as passive lesistance
For once, Japan and China in agreement! We no speao to new teacher
l lie it! We eep the traps shut
Silenzio, understand?
- Si, no spea - Not a word
- That's right - Senora, she comes
l'm your new teacher! My name is Miss Hardacre
And l've come to drum English into your respective alien heads
And you're here to learn, understand? Good
l'd have to tae your names
You, what's your name?
Are you deaf?
You, your name?
You, name?
l see
Well, l don't now how long you think you can eep this up
But l assure you, you won't mae any difference to me
l'm just gonna sit here until somebody speas
You've squashed my apple strudel!
l think l've got most of it off now
- l'll be sending the bill of course - l thought you might
lf you don't mind, l'll have that cup of coffee now
So sorry, l'm afraid l've dran it all! You'llfind the tea room down the corridor
Tea room! Tea room!
You surely don't expect me to queue up with all the students! Oh no, no, no
While l'm teaching here, l tae my coffee in your office! Blac, no sugar
And while l'm here, l'll just loo through your prospectus
From the little l've seen, you could do a great deal of reorganisation
- Who is it? - lt's me Gladys with the coffee and biscuits
Come in
- You loo a bit harrassed - l am harrassed
- lt's that new teacher, isn't it? - Yes
The foreign students haven't spoen a word since Mr. Brown left
As a result, Miss Hardacre is spending her time reorganizing the entire school
She's already reduced 2 other teachers to tears
And caused the caretaer to hand in his notice
lt's only a matter of time before she taes over my job
Why don't you get rid of her and as Mr. Brown to come bac?
- l can't do that - Why not?
Not after dismissing him! l have my pride
Mind you if he ased to come bac, l'd be only too happy to accept
- As to come bac? - We miss you
Loo, when l got your message to call here
- l thought it was somethinkg serious - But we are serious
lf you ased Miss Courtney she's gonna have you bac
No, l'm sorry! lt's out of the question! lf she wants me bac, she'll have to as me
Now, if that's all, l'll say goodbye
Mr. Brown please
- l was just seeing somebody - l was just going to loo in on your old class
- l was wondering - l was wondering
- Sorry - After you
No, no, no after you!
Well l was just wondering whether you'd consider coming bac
l was just going to as if there was any chance of me coming bac
- That's settled then - l thought you preferred women teachers
l do, but Miss Hardacre was more masculine than most men l've met
- Well, you want the job bac or don't you? - Yes
Good, you've got it
We win, we win! Mr. Brown is coming bac
lf you'd all sit down! We've a lot of catching up to do l'm afraid
Excuse please! Before we are doing that we are all changing your birthday pens
And buying you other gift from Arrods
- The Camden Arrods you mean? - Oh yes indeed
- Here you are - Than you! A wallet
A wallet? l've got a wallet
l've got a wallet too
- Mr. Brown - Oh, hello Miss Courtney
- Why are you creeping about? - l didn't want to disturb you
How very considerate!
Would you mind creeping into my office for a moment? l want a word with you
You may sit
Now Mr. Brown
The other evening after everybody had gone
- l went into the gentlemen's toilet - l'm sure it was a perfectly natural mistae
l went because the caretaer had complained about the graffiti on the walls
Mr. Brown, lt's just not good enough
Oh l don't now, l thought some of it was rather witty
lt's disgusting
Somebody had written Enoch Powell rules O.K.
Well with all due respect l'd hardly call that disgusting
lt was what was written underneath that i found objectionable
- And what was that? - Miss Courtney is cracers
lt may not have been one of my students who was responsible
There certainly was
How can you be so sure?
Who else but a foreigner would spell cracers K.R.A.K.K.E.R.S.
l'll see it doesn t happen again
- Just one more thinkg Mr. Brown - Yes Miss Courtney
ln a few wees time
Your students will be sitting for their lower Cambridge certificate
Yes, and we're all looing forward to it
l'm sure they're all going to pass with flying colours
You have more faith in them than l have
Here is a set of last years examination papers
l suggest this evening that you set your students a moc exam
And see how good or otherwise they are
- Closer - ls alright
- Velly good - Don't forget to be getting my turban in
Smilo pleaso
- Now who wants a picture? - Yes please! One for my brother
- Two for me - Ah so
One for me, please
Me too
You too or you two?
- One too - One
One too for me, please
That is, l am meaning one too as well, not one two
l would lie also to be having one for me! And one for my mother and one for my father
and one for my brother and one for my sister and one for my uncle and one for my aunty
And one for his doney
Sticies and stonies may brea my bonies
but names will never be hurting me you clever moneky
- Seven? - Correcto
- Your boo Danielle - Than you Max
lt's alright
- Your handbag - Just a minute
Next time you carry the handbag
No l think it suits you more
Hey give me a iss
- Your handbag - Than you Giovanni
You just missed it
We are having our photographs taen by Taro
Taro, l would lie very much for you to tae a photograph of me
l'll tae your picture
- You have not the camera - Sure l've got a camera at my home
You come bac with me after the class and we tae lots of pictures
Then we can see what develops
- What do you say? - l say no
- You want a picture in classroom? - Yes
How about here?
- Bellissima - Amorfo
Higher
Excuse please
No more higher you are giving me naughty thoughts
Me too! But l'm liing them very much
- Now l tae, ready? - Ready
No good
No good! You must be joing! She's beautiful
- Too close! Can get in top half or bottom - But you are not taing her bottom
Just tae the head and the shoulders
- You can tae one of the legs for me after
Very good!
- Ready? - Ready
Loo at the camera
What's going on here?
- l am having my photograph taen - Really? Very nice
- Please can you do me a big favour? - What sort of favour?
- l would lie a photo taen with you - l don t think we ve got time for that
Oh please it s for my mother and father
l have told them all about you and they d love to have your photo
Oh very well
- ls that allright with you Taro? - Yeso
- You sit here - And what about you?
l will sit on your nee
- Are you sure this is for your parents? - Of course
Ready? Loo at the camera
We were just having our photograph taen
l wasn't aware that photography was included in the curriculum
Yes would you all sit down please?
- Daniella would you stand up? - But what about our photo?
We'll see about that later! Go and sit down
lt was for her parents
l just came to bring you the answers to last years examination papers
Than you
- l hope i haven't got you into trouble - l'll survive
Now before we begin i'd lie all the male students
To write the word cracers on a piece of paper
- Cracers? - Yes, l want to find out how you spell it
- You don t now how to spell it? - Yes i do. l want to see if you do
Oay
So it was you
- Please - You wrote this on the wall of the gents toilet
Excuse please, l am not writing anythinkg on wall of toilet
Then how do you account for the fact that you ve spelt Cracers K.R.A.K.K.E.R.S.
Whereas if you looed on everybody else's paper
You will discover that they have spelt it...
Oh well, at least you're all consistent
ln future please no more writing on walls! Now pay attention
ln a few wees time you will all be sitting for your examinations
That is good! Much better to be sitting for examination than standing
l'll rephrase that
ln a few wees time you will all be taing your Lower Cambridge Certificate
And to find out how you're progressing
We're going to have a moc exam
That is to say an imaginary one
During the second half of your lesson, l want to see how many you can answer
To find out your strength and weanesses
You can study the questions during your tea brea
l would rather be studying the answers
Yes l'm sure you would
Now firstly, have you all done your homewor?
Yes
Good! Let's find how well you've done
- Juan - Por favor
What answer did you give to question one?
Explain what is wrong with the following sentence
''The cows was in the field''
''The cows was not in the field''
No Juan! That is not the correct answer!
The cows was in another field?
The cows were in the field
l didn't see them
Ranjeet! Question two
Name the three classes of gender and give an example of each
A thousand apologies but l have answered that question with nothinkg
You mean, you haven't answered the question?
That is the gist of what l am saying
l am not comprehending the meaning of the word gender
Gender is the grammatical classification of the sex of proper nouns
But we are learning about English not about sex
You cannot learn about sex from boos Ranjeet
You either have it or you don't have it
- l have it! l now all about sex - Me too
May i remind you we are not here to discuss sex
Why not? lt's a very interesting subject
l'm aware of that! But there is time and place for everythinkg
You tell me the time and the place and l'll be there
Quiet please! Can we get bac to the matter of your homewor?
Ranjeet, the word gender refers to whether or not
A proper noun is masculine or feminine
- Now l am understanding - And what is the other?
- Other what? - Gender
There are three types of gender
One is Masculine, one is Feminine and the other is?
Poof
- Neuter - A thousand apologies
Question three
Give the feminine of the following ''lion''
Rioness
- Lioness - Rioness
- No l, l - R, R
- You are not saying it right - Vely solly
l now! Try saying rioness
- Lioness! - Good
ln future, every time you see an L pretend it's an R
- Anna - Ja
The feminine of Due
- Du- ess - Duchess
Jamila be careful! The feminine of monkey
- Monkeyess - No
- No? - The feminine of monkey is monkey
There is no difference between masculine and feminine
Excuse please You are mistaen
l ve seen them at the zoo and there is very big difference
l m taling about the word itself not their physical appearance
- Ali - Yes please
Question four
Explain what is wrong with the following sentence
''Waiter, l would lie some chops of por''
''Waiter l would not lie some chops of por''
No Ali that's not right
Yes please it is against my religion to be eating por
The word por is immaterial! How do you feel about lamb?
Oh blimey l lie lamb very much
Let s suppose the question read: ''Waiter l would lie some chops of lamb''
- What is wrong with that? - l should be asing for mint sauce
You should as for lamb chops and not chops of lamb
Jelly good
Max question five! Quite a hard one this one
Construct a sentence using the word lndisposition
Sure!
Every Saturday l play the football
And i am being the goaleeper! Because l lie playing in this position
Silence! This is no laughing matter
lf your present standard is anythinkg to go by
You haven t a chance of passing you exams
l suggest you tae an early tea brea! Study those questions
And let's hope you show some signs of intelligence
Otherwise we might as well stop wasting each others time
Hey, Max
You now Professori, he's mad at us
Sure, we must do good with these questions
That's right! We must get every question right
- How do we do that? - l got an idea
Professori is got the answers
- So? - So we get them from him
- He's not gonna give them to us - He don't have to! We steal them
- There you are dearie! - Than you
10 p! Than you
- Who's next? - Me please
- Tea or coffee? - Hot water
- Hot water? - Yes please
l bring on my own tea bag
- You can't do that - But l'm already doing it!
l am starting an economy ride
- But that tea bag's already been used - Most definitely
l am maing three cups of tea out of one bag
Well, l'm sorry but you can't mae your own tea
Well, l'm sorry but you can't mae your own tea Oh blimey,
then l am not having any at all
Oh blimey, then l am not having any at all
Next please
Bueno noche my little flower!
How beautiful you loo tonight! Just lie a madonna
- Are you taling to me? - Si
- No - No what?
- Whatever it is you're after - ls nothinkg!
Well maybe just one thinkg
You see l am a little tall with the monkey
- l pay you for coffee tomorrow Oh no, no monkey, no coffee
Ranjeet! You are my friend!
You my amigo! You lend me ten pence
- l am only having 10 p. - lt's alright
- Senora, gracias! - Than you
- You are taing my last 10 p. - You very good friend to me
- Coffee please! - Ten p.
- l am not having any monkey - You are not having any coffee
Can you be lending me 10 p?
- Yes oay - A thousand than you
- l am maing one condition - What is that?
l would lie to hear you say all Muslims are nice ind and most wonderful persons
lf l am saying that, you will be lending me 10 p?
lf you are saying that l will be giving you 10 p.
Very well! All Muslims are nice ind wonderful persons
Jelly good!
- Here is only one thinkg - Yes please
All Sihs are very big liars
Hey everybody, listen here! lt's very important
- What is the matter? - lt's about the test we have
We got to do good! Otherwise, we're all in the minestrone
- ln the soup - That's right! And we have the plan
- What plan? - We pinch the answers
- That's cheating - That's right
l do not cheat
Perhaps the exam is not too bad! Maybe we can answer the questions OK
- Yes - lt's not too difficult
Let's have a loo
Question 1: Construct sentences using the following types of clauses
Adverbial clause of time;
Noun clause as object of preposition!
And main clause coordinate with first
- Well Anna! - How we steal the answers?
Ah Mr. Brown, your students have been at it again
Not more graffiti
Not this time! Read this
Young virile male student wishes to meet nice lady form cooery class
For evenings of mutual pleasure! Apply, Maximillian Papandrious!
Kindly inform Mr. Papandrious
That the notice board is for official notices and not for procuring young women
l'm sure his intentions were quite innocent!
Evenings of mutual pleasure?
He probably only wanted her to whip up an omelet
- Tell him to whip up his own omelets - l'll have a word with him
See that you do!
- Your coffee Miss Courtney - Than you, Gladys
By the way, how's the moc exam coming along?
Well we haven't started yet!
We're going to get cracing just as soon as they've finished our tea brea
l do hope that the results would be good
Otherwise, we may have to think about axing the course
Axing the course?
- You wouldn't do that surely - l most certainly would
lt would be a complete waste of time and money
To carry on and sit for an examination, they have no hope of passing
Than you Gladys
Well that's it, l've had it
- l didn't think your class were that bad - They are at the moment
l'm sure that when the time comes they'll come through with flying colours
But right now, the only thinkg they're liely to get right on the test paper is their names
And even that's doubtful!
You'll have to help them with the answers
- Give them the answers? - Not exactly give them to them!
Just leave them lying around where they can see them
- That's cheating! - Not exactly!
lt's not as if it's a real exam
And you said you think they'll pass out with flying colours
Be a pity if the course was cancelled!
All because of failing a moc exam! But you now best
Much too obvious!
- How we steal the answers? - l now! First we hit him on head
That's no good! We mae too much mess!
- We got to get him out of the class! - How we do that?
l don't now! Let's all think
Studying hard?
- Professori, you're here! - Yes
Sit down! Have a cup of tea! Have two cups of tea!
We'll be bac! Max
- Just a minute Max! l want a word with you - Yes?
- l believe this notice is yours - Sure
l'm afraid Miss Courtney will not allow you to have that on the notice board
Oay
As a point of interest, did anybody from the cooery class respond?
Sure!
She was beautiful we had a fantastic time! Never before l had such a time
Really? And what did she coo for you?
Coo? We had a taeaway!
Come on Max!
- Where are you going? - We go to spend two p.
- The phrase is 'spend a penny' - Sure
l spend a penny! He spend a penny! That's two p.
- You won't go in the classrom l hope! - No professori!
l've left the answers on my des
And l wouldn't want you to be looing at them and copying them down
- Would we do that, Max? - No
That would be cheating Mr. Brown, wouldn't it?
- Hurry up! - Nearly finished!
- Looing for somebody? - No
ls Mr. Brown in the classroom?
No, Mr. Brown is in tea room down the corridor and on the left
l am familiar with the geography of this building
- Would you mind moving? - What for?
- l wish to enter classroom! - But Mr. Brown is in tea room
So you've already told me but l wish to wait for him in the classroom
Oay, Miss Courtney
You want to go into the classroom, l will open the door for you, Miss Courtney
l'm not deaf
Hello Mr. Cupello! All ready to be taing your exam?
- Sure, all ready - Good!
Ah Miss Courtney, did you want me?
No l just thought that l would suplevise the class during the moc examinaton
l'm sure there's no need for that!
l'm quite capable of doing it myself
Mr. Brown, when the students tae their real exams
Mr. Brown, when the students tae their real exams You won't be...
allowed to stay in the classroom, let alone supervise!
You won't be allowed to stay in the classroom, let alone supervise!
lt's a precaution against any attempt to cheat
- Cheat? - Yes, it has been nown in the past
For an over enthusiastic teacher to provide his students with the answers
Really? How contemptable!
Ladies and gentlemen, you have an hour to complete this paper
Starting from now...
- Scusi - Yes
- Can l spend a penny please? - All right, but hurry
You don't need to tae your exercise boo, do you?
Maybe l think of an answer, so l write down
- Come along Mr. Nadim - Yes please, where we go along to?
We're not going along to anywhere! l just want you to get started on the answers
l will do my best
- Excuse me please - Yes
- Toilet please - Very well, but don't be long
Here are the answers! l got them in my boo
Good, l put them in my boo!
l tell Ranjeet, then Ali, Juan and Taro! Then the girls
Oay, we pretty smart, eh?
Sure, we have no trouble with this exam
l'll be vely quic!
Would you lie to go to the toilet Mr. Brown?
- No, no not at all - Everyone else is being!
lt is probably the cold weather
- You have five minutes left - l am finished!
Good then l'll tae your boo!
Has anyone else finished?
Than you! Than you!
l shall tae all these home with me tonight and mar them personally
- l do hope they've done reasonably well - So do l
Otherwise, it's the axe!
- Oh blimey, you are chopping his head off? - Only metaphorically
- You have about 2 minutes Miss Chung - Not necessaly
- Finished - Than you
- Good night everybody! - Good night
l shall see you all tomorrow
Just a moment Miss Courtney, won't you need the answers?
l shan't need them Mr. Brown!
However l might as well tae them! lt might speed up the maring
- ls somethinkg the matter? - These are the wrong answers
These aren't the answers to last years test paper
They're the previous years! l must have piced them up by mistae
Last years answers must be in my filing cabinet
Are you all right Mr. Brown?
- You loo a little peaky - l'm fine! Never felt better
Mr. Brown!
Good evening Miss Courtney!
Mr. Brown, l mared your students examination papers last night
- lt is unbelievable! - l can explain
Everybody answered every question correctly
You see what happened is... What did you say?
Everybody answered every question correctly
- l told you it was unbelievable! - lt's miraculous!
See for yourself!
But these are the answers you gave me last night
That's correct!
But you said they were the previous years' answers
Yes, but l discovered last night, l'd also given you the previous year's questions
Congratulations, Mr. Brown
Your students are a credit to you!
Right, it's me next
Allez les grecs! Allez! Come come
- Missed - ltaly, ltaly
Now, you watch me
A goal for ltaly
We are the champions
Good evening! What's going on here?
We are playing the English game of shoving the halfpenny
ltaly against Greece
Si, me arbitro! Chicen
- Chicen? - Si
- When a player is off the side, chicen - lt's a foul
- Si! Foul, chicen! The same - Not quite the same
- Who's winning? - ltaly
- Good - Only just
- What's the score? - Six nil
Oh, very close!
- And what's that? - lt's... lt's...
- lt's water - Sure, it's water
- Water? That's wine - Wine?
Santa Maria! Another miracle
l don't wanna see that in this class again!
Right now bac to your places everybody! Straighten up this table please
Rather than go straight on to a lesson
l thought it might be a good idea if we taled about what we did at the weeend
Give you all a chance to brush up on your English conversation
Now who should we start with? Danielle
How did you spend your weeend?
- l went to Brighton with my new boyfriend - Very nice
- And he was very naughty - Yes, people usually are in Brighton
No, he was naughty on the motorway
- The police were not very happy - l'm sure they wouldn't
They made him stop the car
- You mean he was driving at the time? - Of course
How else would he be doing the hundred miles an hour?
- You mean he was speeding? - Yes
What did you think he was doing?
How about you Anna! Did you spend the weeend with your boyfriend?
- Nein, l have no boyfriend - That's a pity
- Everybody should have a boyfriend - l have no boyfriend
- l was referring to the girls now - A thousand apologies
l vonce had a bed experience with a boy
- A bed experience? - Ja
- He tried to get you into bed? - No, no
Not bed sleep! Bed, opposite of good
- Bad - Ja, bed
- What happened? - l cannot tell you! lt vos too awful
Japanese philosopher say ''Confession velly good for soul''
Yes, tell us what happen
You don't have to if you don't want Anna
Maybe it's better l get it off my breast
- Chest - Ja
lt vas dreadful! l still blush ven l think of it
Yes perhaps, you'd better not tell us then
- She must - Most definitely! l am all earholes
lt was about five years ago
l was going out with this boy Kurt! l was young and innocent
One night, we had been in a beer garden
and we had been drining lots of Schnapps
Afterwards, l invited him up to my apartment for a coffee
Japanese philosopher also say
''Man who goes to radies appartment for dlin usuary end up having nibble!''
l think we'll leave your Japanese philosopher out of it if you don't mind Taro!
Go on Anna
Vell, ve set together on the bed and he vos stroing my 'end
Which end?
- This 'end - Ah, your hand
Blimey, l am thinking l am too young to be hearing any more
You may leave the room if you wish Ranjeet
Oh no, l stay! lt's good to be nowing the ways of the world
What happen next Anna?
- Kurt vos issing me on my nec - Sacre bleu!
Then he vos issing me on the shoulder
Then he vos issing me all over the place
Go on!
l vos feeling all romantic
Then with all the drin l had, and the warmth of his body by mine on the bed
l did somethinkg l have always been ashamed of
- What did you do? - l fell asleep
Santa Maria!
- Then l voe up and he vos gone - How sad
- Nevermind! Taro! - ''Aso''
- How did you spend your weeend? - l go to Parace
- Paris - Yes
- A weeend in France? - No Flance, Englando
- Taro - Yes teacher?
- Paris is in France - No to Bucingham Parace
Ah, Bucingham Palace! l follow you
- You forrow me? - Yes
l didn't see you then
l mean l understand you went to Bucingham Palace
- Yes, there l see loyal frago - Loyal frago?
- Royal flag - ''Aso''
- Jamila - Yes
How did you spend your weeend?
- Weeend? - Yes
- What did you get up to? What did you do? - Jeeg Jeeg
- You went dancing? - No
Jeeg Jeeg! Fillum! Mowris Chevalay! ...For little girls
- Ah, Gigi! - Jeeg, jeeg
- Max - That's me
- How did you pass your weeend? - Saturday, l go to see the big fight
- A boxing match? - No a football match
Then, Sunday l tae my girlfriend to see the Tower of London
Very cultural! Did you see any Beefeaters?
- Beefeaters? - Yes
No, l only see people eating sandwiches
All right, all right! Very funny
- Juan - Si senor
- What happened to you at the weeend? - Por favor?
- How did you spend the weeend? - Por favore?
- Weeend! Semana - Ah si
Saturday l wor in bar! Sunday l stay home
Por favore? l mean pardon?
- You slept - Si sleep
- l thought you were R. C. - Por favore?
- R.C. Roman Catholic - Si Catolico
You said you slept! Surely you're supposed to go to church on Sundays
God he tell us six days you wor!
On the seven day you rest! l rest
You big sinner!
- No sinner - Si
When you die, you not go to Heaven! You go down to hell
O! ls more of my friends downhell than upheaven!
You spend five minutes down there and you'll just be another Spanish omelet
Alright! Sit down Giovanni
- l presume you did go to church - Si, every Sunday l go to Mass
- You're a practising Catholic then? - No, no practise! l'm perfect
ln ltaly when l was a little boy l was gonna be a priest
- Really? What made you change your mind? - lt's lie this
One day, the priest give a big sermon in the church!
All about women, girls and the pleasures of the flesh!
And the more he spoe, the more l realize what l would be missing
Excuse me Mr. Brown! Do you mind if l intrude for a moment?
No, not at all
The school is holding a draw next weeend
- And l'm selling ticets for it - Excuse me
- This drawer you are selling ticets for? - Yes?
What sort of drawer is it? ls is from dressing table or what?
lt's not that sort of drawer Ranjeet
- lt's a raffle - A thousand apologies
lt's in a very good cause! The old pensioners
Ticets are ten p. Each! Who's going to buy some?
- What about you Mr. Singh? - Than you but l must decline
But it's for the old age pensioners
Yes but what am l going to do with one if l win?
- The pensioners aren't the prize - A thousand apologies again
The first prize is a weeend for two in Paris
l'll tae one! l wouldn't say no to a weeend in Paris
Why not we share the ticet together? Maybe we can share the weeend too
- That's immoral - Yes but it's very nice
l'm sure Mr. Brown wouldn't dream of doing any such thinkg
- Would you Mr. Brown? - No, of course not
l think l'll leave the ticets with you
Do you think you can get rid of two boos?
- Well l... - Excellent
- Excuse please - Solly we are rate
We are delayed because of the reason of mist
- Mist? - Yes please
lt's a perfectly clear night! How can you have been delayed by mist?
We missed the bus!
Then we had to go to see the dressmaers for a fitting
- You're not having a dress made? - No not Ari, me
She is having a dress made for wedding
A wedding dress?
- You're getting married Su Lee? - Yes next wee at Legistly Office
Well l must say you've kept quiet about that
- Oh blimey, she is being swept off her foot - Feet
And who's the lucky man? Do we now him?
Yes please! lt's me!
Enter
- Finished with your tray, love? - Yes than you Gladys
- Tomorrow's the big day then - What big day?
- You now the wedding! Ali and Su Lee - Oh that! Yes
l had a long tal with the girl last wee about her future
That was very nice
However, in spite of all l said, she has decided to go through it
There's nothinkg wrong in getting married
You ought to try it
l'm perfectly happy as l am! Than you
- Miss Courtney? - Yes?
- Can l be a bit personal? - lf you must
- Have you never been with a man? - What do you mean?
- Well you now - Certainly not
l prefer a hot water bottle!
At least you can hold it against you without it getting amorous
Haven't you ever wanted to get married?
Well, there was one occasion, many years ago
A boy l was very fond of! ln fact we were inseparable! He ased me to elope with him
- How romantic! And did you? - Almost
We set off one morning for Gretna Green! But l'm afraid we never quite made it
- How far did you get? - Golders Green
My father caught up with us and dragged me bac home
He forbade me to see the boy again! Said we were far too young
What a shame!
- How old were you? - He was eight and l was six
Oh well, never mind! l'm sure that somewhere, someone is waiting for you
He'll have a very long wait
l have no intention of subjugating myself to any member of the male sex
So l tae it you think women are equal to men
Certainly not! Women are far superior
- So you won't be at the wedding tomorrow? - No
l have much better thinkgs to do with my time
Than go and watch two people embaring on such a foolish enterprise
Well l'm going! l lie weddings!
l think they mae a lovely couple
Help yourself everybody!
- Su Lee, for you - Than you
And Ali for you! A lovely glass
- Sorry no! lt is against my religion to drin - lt is also against my religion
What's going on? Another miracle Giovanni?
No professori! We drin to the health of the happy couple
You have a glass
Well l suppose it is a special occasion
- Prego - Than you
Well what about a little toast then?
We have no toast, only biscuits
- No, l mean a toast to Ali and Su Lee - We have no toast for them either
- To Ali and Su Lee - To Ali and Su Lee
- May all your troubles be little ones - Little ones what?
lt's an old English expression! lt means to hope you have a family, a baby
Oh blimey, l am doing somethinkg about it last night!
Yes, l am preparing a little room for nursery
Please l am having a very funny thought
He is Paistani! She is Chinese
lf they have a baby, it will be Painese
How dare you! l told you no to be insulting!
You ignorant son of a bearded poof!
Come on!
You brainless offspring of a camel!
All right, that will do! Come on
Let's not forget why we're here! You still have a lot to learn
Now bac to your places everyone and put those glasses away
This evening l thought we try and have a group discussion
All right? Yes? We'll pic a subject then we'll all discuss it thoroughly
- Now what would you lie to discuss? - Girls
l don't think so Giovanni! Anybody has any other suggestion?
- Sport! - Sport
Yes, good idea! That's a good subject Max! Sport
Although most sports are international, there are of course various activities
Which are peculiar to individual countries
- For example, the national sport of France is - Football
Good, well done Danielle!
- And the national sport of ltaly is... - Girls
That is not a sport
Maybe not but it's more popular than football!
- Su Lee, what's the national sport of China? - China, excerrent at evelythinkg
- Especially table tennis and athretics - Japan much more athretico
Champions of alate!
Chinese Kung Fu much supelior to Japanese Kalate
Not so! l'm braco belto! Kung Fu mucho infelior
All right, that'll do for now!
We don't want any oriental punch ups! Go and sit down
Who can tell me what the national sport of England is?
- Yes Jamila? - Bally
- Bally? - Balling green! Bally
Bowls, yes but that's not exactly the national sport! That honor goes to cricet
Please, l not understand cricet
Well it's quite straight forward! There are two teams of eleven men each
One side goes in and the other side have to try and get them out
- l didn't now you could play it indoor - lt's not played indoors
But how can somebody be out when he is already out
l'll try to explain
The team who is bowling is out on the field!
The team who is battling is in the Pavilion
Now the first two batsmen come out to go in
The first one to be out, goes bac in and another batsman comes out to go in
- ls that clear so far? - Oh sure
When he's in, he's not really in he's out and when he's out, he's not really out he's in
- That's right - lt's crazy
Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown! You're wanted right away it's Miss Courtney
- She said it's very important - Yes than you Gladys
l shall be in a moment!
Giovanni would you tae charge of the class while l'm away?
- Sure - Good and pic a subject
O! Now we tal about the girls
Enter!
- You sent for me Miss Courtney? - Yes
This is the teacher Mr. Brown
- l am hearing much about you - l hope it's all good
This young lady has called to see Mr. Nadim
Oh Ali, You're a friend of his then?
- More than a friend - His sister?
No, l am his wife!
Tonight after school, we tae you in the pub
- Yes and we are having a big feast - Si big fiesta, plenty drin
lt is rast nighto of fleedom
Than you please but it is not necessary! l do not drin
Don't be selfish!
lt is tradition the night before the wedding for the bridegroom to be slashed
l think you all men are male chauvinist pigs!
- Vy you not invite us to pub? - What? And spoil the evening
You mae your own fiesta
- We go to pub! All ladies - No prease
- Jamila's right! We 'ave our own celebration! - That's right!
- Ali - Yes please
- Can l see you please? - You are seeing me now
l want to see you in private! ln Miss Courtney's office!
- lt's rather very important - O.K.
Excuse me! l will be bac very soon my beloved
Ah l'amour! Toujours l'amour
l wander what vas so important for Mr. Brown to be telling Ali
Maybe he's gonna tell him the facts of life
- Sit down Ali - Than you
- Where's... - l've sent her to the tea room
- Where's... - l've sent her to the tea room Good!
l think it might be a good idea if Ali and l were left alone
Good! l think it might be a good idea if Ali and l were left alone
- l presume you'll spea to Miss Su Lee - You presume wrong
l think Mr. Nadim should do his own dirty wor
- Well Ali - Yes please
- l'm not going to beat about the bush - What bush?
- l've just met your wife - Jelly good
- l must say it rather came as a shoc - Excuse please, she is not that bad looing
No, no, no Ali! Don't you understand? You're a married man
Oh yes!
Well then, how can you be possibly thinking of marrying Su Lee tomorrow?
- Why not? - lt's bigamy
Oh no, it's big of me
Ali you don't understand! You can't have two wives
Oh yes please! lt is allowed by my religion!
lf the first wife is agreeable, the husband can tae another
- You mean your wife doesn't mind? - Not at all
lt's to have the baby
- Baby? - Yes please
We have been trying now for four years and nothinkg is happening
So l am taing another wife! To have the babies
But it's against the law in this country
But they are not going to be finding out, are they?
Yes they are! Because l have to be telling them
Oh blimey
What am l gonna be doing?
The first thinkg you should do is to tell Su Lee about your wife
- She is already nowing it - And she doesn't mind?
Not at all! She is very much in love with me!
Well you'll just have to tell her the wedding's off
- She will be broen-hearted! - You should have thought of that before
- Come in - Excuse prease
- Miss Courtney say you want to see me - yes come in Su Lee
- Ali has somethinkg to tell you - Yes Ali?
Well you see, what l am trying to say is...
There is somethinkg very important you must be nowing
What is it?
- Mr. Brown will be telling you - Ali
Sit down Su Lee
l don't quite now how to put this, but it has to be said
l too have somethinkg to say
- lt's about the wedding - l cannot mally Ari
- You see, the point is... Pardon? - l cannot mally Ari
- Why can't you mally Ari... marry Ali - l am not in rove with him
But you must have said you wanted too surely
Yes l was just being solly for him at the time! But now l now it is not possible
How am l going to tell him?
- lt will blea his heart - Don't worry Su Lee! l'll tell him
l'm sure l'll be able to let him down gently
U leave it to me! l'll sort it out
- Excuse please Mr. Brown - yes Ali
- Did you tell Su Lee? - Yes
- Jelly good! Now l been happy with one wife - Good
l hope she didn't mind too badly of me!
Well, l was as tactful as l could be!
l told her it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
What a beautiful thought!
- Was she very sad? - Absolutely heartbroen
- Did you tell Ali Mr. Blown? - Yes Su Lee
l told him it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all
- Was he vely upset? - Broen-hearted
Now pay attention everybody! Ali and Su Lee have had a long discussion
And by mutual agreement have decided to call off their wedding
We've already booed the pub! We've ordered the toast and the drins
- You'll just have to cancel it! - Excuse please
- You do not have to be canceling it - But we've nothinkg to cerebrate
Oh blimey yes we have!
My lovely wife is telling me...
that l'm going to be a daddy at last
My lovely wife is telling me that l'm going to be a daddy at last
C'est merveilleux!
Come on everybody! To the pub
lt's not time to go yet! lt's half an hour early! Come bac!
Just a moment! Where do you all think you're going?
To the pub!
- Mr. Brown, that's most unsatisfactory - l agree
- What are you gonna do about it? - There's only one thinkg l can do
lf you can't beat them, join them!
- Looing for someone Mr. Cervantes? - Por favor?
Nevermind!
This way!
- Good evening Juan - Good evening
- You only just made it? - Si, si
- Come along then, into the classroom - ln a momenta! First l've to go some place
- Well, don't be too long - No, no
Come on! This way, this way
Good evening everyone
l must warn you, l'm not in the best of humours tonight
ln fact, l have a serious complaint
- Why not go to the doctor? - lt's not that sort of complaint, Danielle
l'm far from happy with your progress!
l feel as if l'm banging my head against a bric wall
Oh blimey! lf you're doing that, you'll be getting a headache
l checed your homewor last night! Franly l think you're getting worse
Max, the great form of address for a cardinal is not 'west wing of the cathedral'
l didn't now he'd moved!
lt should have been your eminence!
And Danielle, the word 'conjugate' is applied to verbs
And has nothinkg whatsoever to do with marital relations
l am sorry!
And as for you Ranjeet, some of your answers mae no sense whatsoever
That is because l'm not understanding the gist of the questions
So l'm answering different questions that l do understand
- That is not the object of homewor - Thousand apologies
- Buena Serra - Giovanni, what time do you call this?
Ten past seven!
- You're late! Haven't you got a watch? - l had a watch! lt was a beautiful watch!
lt was rustproof, shocproof, waterproof! Everythinkg!
- The only trouble it wasn't quite superproof - Superproof?
Yeah, last night l'm woring in the restaurant!
And oops, l dropped it in the soupiere
Quiet!
- Have you seen Juan? - One what?
- Juan Cervantes - Scusi! No
Where the devil has he got to?
Perdon Senora!
- ls OK my friend wait here for me? - l don't now about that
- lt's only till finish class - All right then
- You want a cup of tea? - He not spea the English good
Not lie me!
You wait here! No spea, no nothinkg!
- OK? - KO
- No KO, OK! - OK
This evening we are going to concentrate on the alphabet
l'm going to go round the class
And l want each of you to give me a word beginning...
with different letters of the alphabet
Max, we'll start with you! A or a
A des
- No Max, that's a D - Alright, Dee Des
Max, des doesn't begin with the letter A! l want a word beginning with A
- A door - Good, Adore! Well done
- Excuse please! - Yes Ali
l am not understanding why you are saying a des is not right but a door is right
Well you see when Max said adore, he was meaning the verb 'to adore'
And although the sound is the same, he didn't mean a door! For example this door
- Am l right Max? - Sure you're right! l am meaning any door
At this rate, it will tae us a wee to get through the alphabet
We'll try again Max! Please give me a word beginning with A
And l don't want a somethinkg! Just one word beginning with the letter A
think of a fruit!
- Apple - Apple, good!
Danielle, B!
- B for brave - Good
- B for beautiful - Than you Danielle!
- Anna, C - Red
- Red? What's that got to do with C? - Red Sea
l want a word beginning with the letter C
- Cow - Yes well done
- Taro, D - Ah so
- Daro - Daro? Well it's Dar
- Dar - Yes
Jamila E
- Effening - Good, excellent! Well done
- Giovanni F - Fic
- Fic? - That's right
There's no such word as Fic
Sure there is! My boss is English and he say it lots of times
- Fru fic and fru fin - Your boss's grammar is not very good
And don't you dare say the old chestnut
About his grammar being very good for his age
- l not say that - Good
She's dead!
- l not say that - Good She's dead!
Quiet everybody!
There's far too much levity in this class
Don't forget you have your exams coming up shortly
Now try and tae it seriously please
- Giovanni, a word with F - Female
Than you, well done
Su Lee, G
- Glate - Glate?
As in gleat wall of China! Built by grolious Chinese worers
- Glate - Glate? As in gleat wall of China! Built by grolious Chinese worers
Yes than you Su Lee
- Perdon - Ah Juan
- We're just going through the alphabet - Por favore
- A, B, C, D, E - Ah si alphabeto
A, B, C, D
Can you give me a word beginning with the letter H
Por favore
- Palabra - Ah palabra
- Huly - Huly
- Si, H'april, May, Hune, Huly - No Juan, that's a J, July
- l want the letter H - Ah si Hacienda
- l'll accept that - Por favore
lt's alright, it doen't matter! Sit down
- Ali, l - You are what?
A word begining with the letter l
- lnfidel - Are you meaning me?
Sit down!
- Ranjeet, J - Jacass
- Are you meaning me? - Most definitely
l noc your damn turban off you monkey face
Quiet please, sit down both of you!
- Danielle, K - K for Kindhearted
- Good - K for Kiss
l think that'll do Danielle! Than you
- Max, L - Elephant
No Max, try again
- Lovely - Good
- Anna, M - Masterrace
- Jamila, N - Nitting
No nitting begins with a K
- What do you nit with? - Ah... Wool
No, what are these?
- Needles - Needles, excellent
Well done! Giovanni, can you give me a word begining with the letter O
- 'Orrible - No
- 'Oliday - No
- 'Opeless - Yes you are
You eep dropping your aspirates
l not drop nothinkg
An aspirate is the sound made by the letter H
The words you gave me all start with H, not with O
- Scusi - l want a word begining with O! Come on
- Outside - That's better
- Excuse me Mr. Brown - Hello Gladys
Miss Courtney wants to see you in the tea room
Right, l'll be as quic as l can!
Giovanni, would you tae charge of the class while l'm away
Si professori
- l think you'd better come too Pedro - Por favor?
Miss Courtney has found your fishy friend
Are you going to answer me?
What is your name?
Who are you? What are you doing here?
- What seems to be the problem M. Courtney - This is
l just came in here and found him
He seems to be some sort of foreigner but l can't get a word out of him
- ls he one of yours? - No l've never seen him before
before You can find out what he's doing here!
- ls he one of yours? - No l've never seen him
You can find out what he's doing here!
After all you do seem to have a way with these foreign persons
l'll do my best
Hello, what's your name? Name
Do you spea English?
Parlez-vous francais? Spracen de Deutsch?
Parliamo ltaliano? Habla Espanol?
Well say somethinkg even if it's only get notted!
- Amigo - Everythinkg alright! Not worry
- Juan, you now this person? - Si l tell you the truth! ls my brother
- Your brother? l don't believe you - OK, l tell you truth, ls not my brother
- ls good friend! We sleep together - Pardon?
Not in same bed, in same room
- Why don't you tell me the whole story? - OK l mae the clean chest
- Breast - Si
- But you must promise not to tell nobody - Let's hear what you have to say first
His name is Boris! ls Marinero
- Marinero? - Si
- He's a sailor - Sailor
- He's a sailor - Sailor Last night, he come in bar where l wor! He is rushin
- Rushing? - Si
- You mean he was in a hurry? - No, no! He's Rooshin. From Roosha
- A russian sailor - Si
We drin
- Voda - Si voda
And he as me for a mental home
- He ased you for what? - He say no go bac to Roosha
As me for a mental home, casa de loco
- Asylum, Political asylum - Si, si
- He's a defector - No, he's Rooshin
- You not let them tae him bac - Of course not
This is a free country! lf he wants to stay here, he's perfectly in liberty to do so
Welcome to England Comrade!
Silenzio!
What do you want?
You're supposed to be studying the boos
- Who say so? - l say so
Loo professori he's put me in charge!
You got to do what l tell you
Now l am gonna as the questions and you give me the answers
- Ali - Yes please
What is a noun?
Oh blimey, it is very simple!
'Noun' is a lady who is living in a convent
That's a nun!
Jamila, what is the plural of a thief?
- The plural of a thief - A thief
- Robbers! - No, no not robbers
Loo these are rubbers!
- One thief, two... - Thiefs
That's better!
- Max, what's the opposite of bitter? - Lotta
- lt's not right - Sure it is
Opposite of bitter money is lotta money
Quiet!
- Silenzio - Than you Giovanni, you can sit down now
Juan l think it might be a good idea if Boris sat next to you
For your general information, Boris is from Russia
Much better he sit next me lather than leplesentative of capitarist phirosophy
Sorry to disappoint you Su Lee but Boris has decided to change horses
Blimey, is he a Russian cowboy?
No Ali l meant he's decided he prefers our
democratic way of life to the Russian regime
- He's a defector! - He's tlaitor! Better ling Lussian Embassy
We will do no such thinkg Su Lee!
Boris has made his decision and after class
Miss Courtney will inform the Home Office
Who will then decide whether he can stay
- Why he wish to reave Lussia? - l haven't the faintest idea
- Maybe he's a spy - Yeah a double agent
Maybe Su Lee is right! Send him bac vere he came from
He should be intellogated
Sit down everybody! Quiet, please! Sit down
l'm sure Boris has a perfectly good reason for wishing to remain here
- Boris! - Da Da
Would you come out here please?
Juan, does Boris spea any English?
- l teach him a little - Good
- Why do you want to leave Russia? - Por favore?
l see you spea English as well as Juan does
lt's alright! Why do you wish to leave Russia?
Come over here!
- Russia! - Da Da
- England - Da Da
Why you leave Russia to stay in England
- A woman? - Da Da
- ls this true Juan? - Si si
Last night in bar, he meet beautiful girl
He has fallen, how you say, heels over head
- Head over heels - Si
- Sit down - Da da
Vive l'amour Boris
Well Su Lee, l'm sure even you wouldn't wish to stand in the way of true love
- Tlue rove should be for state not individual - Not this side of the iron curtain
Now where were we up to in the alphabet? Which letter have we got to?
- P - P
Suppose you give me a word begining with P
- Plopaganda - Propaganda
As used by decadent western world
To splead ries about grolious peace roving Chinese
Su Lee, do you have to mae a political speech every time you answer a question?
Yes! Chairman Mao say it is duty of those who can see
To guide brind to right of tluth
The 8 points of attention are as follows
Do not damage clops
Do not tae riberties with women
Yes Su Lee sit down, than you! That will do
Ali give me a word beginning with Q
- Q - Yes go on
- Q - Yes come on
- Q - Ali, will you give me a word with Q
Blimey l am giving it to you three times already
Queue lie bus, stop, queue
l see, l'm sorry! Well done!
- Taro, R - Ah so
- Radio - Good
- Ranjeet, S - Esimo
- No, Esimo begins with E - A thousand apologies
- think of word that describes you - Stupid
Don't you call me stupid you half witted paistani popadom
Don't you call me Paistani papadom, you brown chapati
All right, that'll do! Sit down both of you!
- Juan, T - Por favore?
- T - Ah tea, si
No it's not time for tea brea
- Por favore? - Never mind, sit down
- Excuse me Mr. Brown - What is it this time Gladys?
- There's another one turned up - Another what?
A rusky! l've just shown him into Miss Courtney's office
l am Captain Yvan lvanovitch!
- Are you? - Da
- And you are, Mrs? - l am Miss Courtney
- A fine womans lie you has no husband - No
l am understanding! You prefer to have the lovers
Certainly not! Now will you please get to the point
l have reason to believe one of my men is here
- Really? - Come Mrs. Courtney
- Miss - Miss
We both now he's here!
He must come bac to the ship and return to Russia
That is for him to decide
Enter
You wish to see me Miss Courtney?
This is Captain lvan lvanovitch! Mr. Brown our English teacher
- How are you doing? - Very well than you
And may l welcome you to England! You and
your compatriot are perfectly safe here
You don't have to go bac to Russia if you don't want to
- Mr. Brown - Yes?
The Captain has no wish to stay here! He's come to tae bac the other person
- But you can't do that - Why not?
He doesn't want to go bac! He's met this girl you see and he wants to get married
That is impossible! We are only being here for one night
lt was love at first sight
- People do not fall in love at first sight - English people do
l tell you he cannot be getting an English wife
- Why not? - Because he already has a Russian one
- Are you saying he's already married? - Da Da, to Anastasia
Well, this puts an entirely different complexion on the matter
l'm afraid we have no alternative but to return your roving shipmate
- Will you see to that Mr. Brown? - Very well
You are a woman of great perception as well as being beautiful
Than you
You are reminding me so much of your great national figure
- Yes, people've said l resemble the Queen - No, not Queen
British Bulldog!
Juan, l as you the question!
- What is the name for a group of cows? - Por favore?
Hey come on! You now what l'm saying!
You might fool professori, you not fool me
- What is the name for a group of cows - l don't now
- A herd of cows - Por favore?
- A herd of cows - Sure l heard of cows
Santa Maria, a herd of cows is a lot of cows
And you spea a lot of bull
Than you Giovanni
Than goodness you're bac!
l tell you professori l donno how you put up with all these foreigners
Boris!
There's a friend of yours outside!
He's waiting to tae you bac to the ship!
- Captain lvanovich - Nyet
Not nyet! Da da! He's told me all about Anastasia
Anastasia
For your general information, Anastasia is Boris' wife bac in Russia
Old Cossac!
- Will you permit me Mr. Brown? - He's all yours Captain
Boris, Boris! You lousy cheat
Alright come along now! Pay attention!
We've had enough interruptions for one evening
What letter of the alphabet were we up to?
Me, T
- Well Juan - Tobacco
Tobacco, good
- Max, U - Me
- No Max, the letter U - h'umbrella
- Yes good but it's not h'umbrella, umbrella - H'ocay
- Anna, V - Vent
- Yes good, Vent as in 'air vent' - Nein, as in l vent to vash my hands
No Anna! Those words begin with W! l want a word that begins with V
- What instrument Yehudi Menugin play? - A fiddle
- A violin, V - Wiolin, Ja
- Danielle, W - W for Warm
- Good - W for When
l only wanted one word Danielle
- Excuse me Mr. Brown - What is this time Gladys?
- He's bac - Who's bac?
Lvan the Terrible!
He wants to see you
Giovanni!
- Captain you wanted to see me? - Yes Mr. Brown, could l...
- Leave it to me! - Than you Mr. Brown
Enter
Miss Courtney, we've got a bit of a problem! Captain lvanovich is outside
Don't tell me his compatriot's escaped
Oh no, Boris is safely on his way bac to the ship
Then why has the Captain returned?
He wants to defect!
He said lie Boris he has fallen heels over head in love
These foreigners are impossible
Tell him to go away! His infatuations have nothinkg to do with us
l'm afraid this one has! You see he says he's fallen in love with you
My little English Bulldog!
- l am loving you Mrs. Courtney
Hello... hi, good evening everyone.
- Good evening Jivani. - lt's not good anythinkg.
- What's the matter? - l've got a terrible overhang.
- The word is hangover. Whatever it is, l've got it.
l had too much to drin at lunch time.
lt's fateful to drin at midday.
- Good evening, Max. - Oh please, don't spea too loud.
l'm thinking, you've also been looing on the wine too much.
That's the trouble. He's not looing, he's been drining lie me.
Why did you drin so much?
lt was the feast of my patron saint, Saint Maximilio.
So we had a drin.
Then we dran for my patron, Saint Jivani.
Then we had a drin for my patron.
- Then one for the Pope. - Arch Bishop.
- Leonardo Da Vinci. - Vernila Marcelli.
- Sophia Lauren. - And after that...
l remember nothinkg.
Me neither.
Better go and sit down.
Excuse me, please.
Ah... that way.
Danielle is late this evening. We'll carry on without her.
As you now, in a few wees time...
you'll all be taing your lower Cambridge.
So tonight l thought l'll give you an oral examination.
You are wanting to loo at our tooths?
l'll go around the class and am going to as you all...
to give me some answers.
l hope l get some correct ones.
- We are having a quiz? - Yes.
- Lie Mister Mind. - Master Mind.
Yes please.
That's not a bad idea. Let's mae it competitive.
You have a noc out competition.
You mean, l'll get to punch up?
No, only verbally. l'll go around the class...
and whoever fails to answer correctly, drops out.
Where do we start? Yes, Jamela.
l'll give you an easy one to start with.
- What is the plural of goose? - Goose?
- Yes. One goose, two? - Gooses.
She's noced out.
- The plural of goose is geese. - Oh yes, geese.
l'll come bac. Let's have another one.
Let me see...
- What is the opposite of good? - Not good.
l thought you would have said bad, but we'll accept that.
Jivani, what is an apostle?
That's easy.
Epistle is the wife of apostle.
- Cuts you out. - l'm wrong?
Epistle is a letter.
Max, give me another word for forward.
- Mcdonald. - McDonald?
Yes, he plays forward.
l didn't mean that forward. Another word for moving forward.
- Advance? - Advance. Yes, good, well done.
- Anna, another word for debun. - Debate.
No, it means, to ridicule.
Ali, correct the following sentence.
Last night, l'm going to the cinema.
Last night, l'm not going to the cinema.
- Wrong. - lt's not wrong.
Because last night, l'm not going anywhere at all.
You should have said, ' last night, l went to the cinema'
l'm telling you, l didn't went.
lt doesn't matter whether you did, or didn't. You're out.
l'm sorry l'm so late, Mr. Brown.
That's alright, Danielle. Were you held up by the traffic?
No, l was held up by a man.
Good heavens! You mean a mugger?
l don't now his name.
But he wors as a woodwor teacher here in the school.
One of the teachers here tried to rob you?
- No, not rob me... - Well, surely not...
- He was trying to chat me up. - Ahh, l see!
He wanted to tae me out.
You want, l give him a punch of five.
- He's bigger than you, Max. - Everybody is bigger than Max.
Hey! Watch what you're saying.
Now listen, this is school, so...
- Oay, come outside. - Settle down, you two.
Don't worry, Danielle.
l'm sure this woodwor teacher, whatever his name is...
was only trying to be friendly.
But he was trying to be more than friendly.
He would not let me pass until l agreed to have dinner with him.
This seems to have been rather persistent.
Then... eurea! What do you say? l had a brain wash.
- Wave. - Yes.
l tell him l cannot go out with him...
because l'm engaged to be married.
Very good. Quic thinking.
- There's only one problem. - What was that?
l tell him l'm engaged to be married to you.
- Me? - Yes.
- lt was a good idea, yes. - lt was a good idea, no.
- Did anyone overhear you? - Only Gladys.
Oh great! lt's as good as putting it on the news at ten.
lt'll be all over the school by now.
You say that Mr. Brown is engaged to his French student?
That's right. l heard her tell Mr. Javis in the tea room.
This is absolutely disgraceful.
l thought he might have the decency to tell me first.
- Tell you? - Yes. lt's most inconsiderate.
Oh dear! l'm sorry, l didn't now.
- Know what? - Oh nothinkg... nothinkg.
l must be getting bac.
Gladys, did you tell anythinkg to Ms. Courtney about Danielle and me?
- Only in passing. - Oh great!
l didn't mean any harm. l had no idea she felt that way.
- What way? - About you.
- What are you taling about? - Unrequited love.
You and her ladyship. She fancies you.
- Don't be ridiculous! - lt's true.
She was very upset when she heard about you and Danielle.
Gladys, l don't now where you got this ridiculous story from.
You are completely mistaen.
No, l'm not. l heard her.
She told you that she fancied me?
Not in so many words, but l new.
lt was written all over her face.
- l can't believe it. - Yes, it's not unusual though.
Lots of older women fall for younger men.
My sister ran off with a 30 year old milman.
- Really? How old was your sister? - 65.
Ms. Courtney has always given me the impression she didn't lie me.
Oh well, women are very funny.
And she's at a funny age.
You can say that again.
Best of luc.
To think of it, you're not far off yourself.
Come in.
Ms. Courtney.
Well well! lf this isn't the college Casanova.
l've come to explain about that.
Are you sure you can spare the time?
lt's a complete misunderstanding
You see, l'm not really engaged to Danielle.
She only said that to stop one of the teachers from pestering her.
- Really? - lt's perfectly true.
A professor of a woodwor class was trying to chat her up.
- Mr. Javis? - ls that his name?
l've never met him. She concocted the whole thinkg...
just to get out of an embarrassing situation.
- l see. - l'm terribly sorry.
- Especially in view of... well... - ln view of what?
- l'd hardly lie to mention it. - But you have mentioned it.
So you might as well continue.
lt's a perfectly natural thinkg to happen.
- What is? - For one person to be attracted to another...
despite the difference in their ages.
What two persons are you referring?
You and l.
- You and l? - Yes.
Mr. Brown, l had no idea you felt lie that about me.
Pardon?
Well, as you said yourself, it's perfectly natural.
Oh, you poor dear boy.
- You don't understand. - Oh, but l do.
Men have always found me rather fascinating.
l'm sure they have. Loo, let me explain.
There is no need to apologise for the way you feel.
- Ofcourse it's out of question... - Ms. Courtney, please...
Now don't start groveling.
- You'll get over it. - Yes, l suppose l will.
And now l suggest you go and quash this stupid rumor...
about you and your French fiancee.
Right, l'll do that. Than you.
- And Mr. Brown. - Yes, Ms. Courtney?
Don't worry about this bizarre little affair.
l shalln't tell it to anyone. Your secret is safe with me.
You're very ind.
Poor fellow.
- Give me a iss, come on. - Mr. Brown!
Danielle, why aren't you in the classroom?
l'm trying to tell Mr. Javis what's between us.
So he's Mr. Brown.
l'd appreciate it Mr. Javis if you stop pestering my student...
if you don't mind.
You're quite sensitive about her. Have green eyes?
Certainly not.
Come on then, as they say in this lovely lady's land.
Shut your garb!
Don't you spea to Mr. Brown lie this!
- He'll get aggressive. - Oh really?
- He's not frightened of you. - Oh, aren't you?
- Well, l'm not. - No, he's not!
And if you're not careful, he'll hit you.
Danielle, you can let him try.
Loo Javis, l'm not in... - And he's ready whenever you are.
Right! Tonight, after class, in the yard.
We'll have a punch up!
- Here you are, Mr. Brown. - Thans Sid.
A drin.
A drop of brandy.
Help you step up in the ring fight.
- No thans. - Please yourself.
l guess it's all over the school?
The news has got around.
Hey listen, l can give you a few tips.
- Tips? - Yeah, l used to beat them right.
- Fight? - You've got it.
l'll tell you what to do.
You put your hands up lie that. You stand, you start waving.
All of a sudden, you run, and punch!
- l'm sorry. - Actually, l feel rather nervous.
You should now.
You should try punching him right a couple of times.
lt's him punching me that's worrying me.
Perhaps l can tell him to forget the whole thinkg.
You cannot bac off now.
l cannot fight Mr. Javis.
lt's a point of honour. You cannot let Javis now you're frightened.
He nows already.
l'll see you later. Don't forget one... two.
- Professor - Yes Jivani?
- This fight... - What about it?
We'll show you how to win. When you get in the ring...
smash him in the stomach.
When he comes down, you nee him on the chin.
No. Much better, chop him on the nec.
No. First, you hit him in the throat...
and then you butt him in the stomach.
Stop fighting. You're here to learn English.
Don't forget why you're here.
Right. Now whom have l ased questions so far?
Right. Suli, give me the comparative and superlative...
of the following adjective.
- Loud. - Loud, louder, loudest.
Right.
Ranjit, complete the following proverb.
A bird in the hand...
Maes mess on your wrist.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
You're out.
Danielle, explain me the meaning of the word illiterate.
That is someone whose parents are not married.
No Danielle, that's illegitimate.
Sorry.
Paul. Give me the opposite of the following words.
- Ready? - Not ready.
- l haven't started. - l have started.
- Won. - l lost.
- That's enough. - That's not enough.
- Stop. - Go.
- Sit down. - Stand up.
Oh! Somebody stop him, please.
- l do good, huh? - Yeah, good.
- Darryl. - Yes sir.
Give the following tenses of the word, 'to move'.
Past perfect, present perfect, past continuous.
- Say somethinkg, Darryl - l'm out.
How many left?
Let's see how many of you can survive another round.
- Jamela, count up to ten. - What?
Count up to ten. One, two...
- ln English. - One...
- Two... four... - Three.
- Six. - Four. Sorry Jamela.
Max. Give me another word...
or explain to me what is the meaning of ' sintex.
lt is a tax you pay when you go to the church.
The word means, sentence construction.
- Suli, spell democracy. - CHlNA.
lf l as you to spell dictatorship, you'll spell England.
Or America.
Paul, that leaves you.
lf you can answer the next question correctly...
you'll be the brain of the class.
Which doesn't say an awful lot for the rest of them.
- For what? - Nothinkg.
Here is your question.
What is another name for a valley between two mountains?
Valley between two mountains?
- Pass. - Correct.
Correct?
l win! l am the brain! The big brain!
Yeah, it comes with your big head.
Don't start! Please sit down.
- Excuse me, Mr. Brown. - Yes Ali?
- lt is home going time. - Not quite.
But you are wanting to get ready for your big fight tonight...
with the woodpecer teacher.
We want to be there in time to see you noc his teeth.
There's not going to be any fight.
- You don't mean that. - l do.
Then what about all the money we bet?
Money? You mean, you are betting on the result?
Sure. We all put one pound each.
- Ten pounds for me to win? - No, we baced the other fellow.
- Thans a lot. - No, l'm only joing.
Sure, we baced you to win.
- You ready then? - Really?
Yeah, for the fight.
Yes. Could l have a word with you Mr. Javis?
- Well. - We are reasonable men.
l'm not.
l'm sure we can settle this amicably.
No, we cannot.
Ah! Just the two persons l wanted to see.
What's all this l hear about a fight?
Just a private matter between Mr. Brown and myself.
Nonsense! lt's common nowledge throughout the whole school.
Now step into my office, shut the door behind you...
and tae heed for l shall not tell you again.
l will not have members of my staff brawling in public.
- l absolutely forbid it. - You do?
- Most definitely. - Good. l mean, what a pity.
l was quite looing forward to it.
That's not the impression l got.
You mean you were actually looing forward to this fight?
Oh yes. There was a point of honour at stae.
- What point of honour? - This person insulted Danielle.
He forced his attentions on her.
l see! Male chauvinism, Mr. Javis?
Why not? Women lie to be dominated.
Nonsense!
Come now, Ms. Courtney, man by nature is the hunter.
This puts an entirely different complexion on the matter.
- lt does? - Yes.
Much as l abhor fighting...
l see under the circumstances your motives were justified.
So, we can have a little punch up in the eye.
- Certainly not. - Than God.
We will settle this in a much more civilized and sporting manner.
l quite agree. How about a game of chess?
The school has a perfectly good gymnasium.
lf you must noc each other about, l suggest you do it there.
Tomorrow night, after class.
- Where is Mr. Brown? - He's just putting his gloves on.
Here he comes.
Sit down, please. l have somethinkg for you.
What's that?
Put this in your gloves, and he'll fall flat.
But it will brea my wrist too. No, than you.
No Darryl, you do that after each round.
Alright... quiet please!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a three round contest.
Three minutes each round.
On my right, from the woodwor department, Mr. Javis.
And on my left, from the language department, Mr. Brown.
Now listen, l want a good clean fight, remember this.
l want no scratching, poaching, grouching, hitting below the belt.
Shae hands now. Come bac fighting.
Second round.
Come on, Mr. Brown.
- Stool? - No, it's not over yet.
This is a fight, not a dance.
You've ased for it!
One, two... one, two.
One, two, three, four, five...
Go bac to your corner.
- You are getting very worried. - This worry is going to ill me.
- We're going to lose our money. - We've got to do smoothinkg.
l've got an idea.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Mr. Woodwor, you box real good.
- You boxed before? - Once or twice.
But it's easy to defeat Mr. Brown.
Somehow l don't think l'd lie to be in your shoes.
One, two... five...
Good evening everyone.
Mr. Brown, l want to than you for what you did last night.
- You were so brave. - Oh, it was nothinkg really.
- Mr. Brown. - What is it?
- He's at it again. - Who's at it again?
That woodpecer teacher, Mr. Javis.
He's maing advantages to Jamela.
Advances.
So l'm giving him a ic in his bacside.
Now he's challenging me to a punch up.
Oh, not again!
l don't think you should go through with it.
l mean, with all due respect, you are not as experienced as l am.
That is what l'm thinking. So l'm telling this to Mr. Javis.
Good.
The fight is taing place tonight in the gymnasium.
l'm sorry, l thought you were not fighting him.
No, not me, but l'm naming you as my substitute