[Theme music playing]
♪ Love ♪
♪ love, exciting and new ♪
♪ come aboard ♪
♪ we're expecting you ♪
♪ and love ♪
♪ love is life's sweetest reward ♪
♪ let it flow ♪
♪ it floats back to you ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ soon will be making another run ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ promises something for everyone ♪
♪ set a course for adventure ♪
♪ your mind on a new romance ♪
♪ and love ♪
♪ love won't hurt anymore ♪
♪ it's an open smile ♪
♪ on a friendly shore ♪
♪ the love boat ♪
♪ soon will be making another run ♪
♪ welcome aboard ♪
♪ it's love ♪
♪ welcome aboard it's love ♪
Are you sure you wouldn't like any coffee?
No.
I'm sorry. Mr. Thorn is not going to see you, Ms. York.
It's Mrs. York.
-Oh, excuse me. -I think he will.
We're talking about a $100-million real estate deal here.
I'm not in the habit of doing business with a man unless I can look him in the eye.
They're locked.
Mr. Thorn, Mrs. York insists on meeting with you face to face.
Yes, I told her that. Several times.
He wants to speak with you.
Just talk into the speaker.
Mr. Thorn, look, we're going to do business together,
but I don't do business unless I can meet someone in the flesh.
You see, I don't do my best work over the phone.
[Mr. Thorn] I'm going to say this just once, so listen closely.
I do business on my own terms.
Being rich can buy many things
and I have bought my privacy, which is total.
If you don't want to do business my way, then do it with someone else.
[Line disconnects]
Would you like some coffee?
No, thank you.
Just as well. Someone as irritable as that shouldn't drink coffee.
Mr. Thorn wants these mailed right away.
Okay.
-[Lock buzzes] -Tout De suite.
Mr. Robert McBride, 553 evanswood place, San Francisco, California.
Mr. George tillman, post office box 493, Kansas City, Kansas.
Mr. Allan Davis, 2939 Morrison street, Los Angeles, California.
And Mr. Jeff Gilbert, 29033 south cathedral street, flagstaff, Arizona.
Mcguffin travel service. I don't think I've heard of that one.
Oh, this is new. They sent me this cruise free as part of some promotional gimmick.
Pretty impressive gimmick. Well, you're first class the whole way, Mr. McBride.
Mr. McBride is on the aloha deck, cabin 364.
Oh, no. That's all right. I'll take this one myself.
Ah, this is a historic moment in my life.
I get to meet the legendary Maxwell Thorn.
Now, don't get your hopes up.
Ace, no one has seen him in public for 25 years.
What makes you think you'll see him today?
Ah, sure. He'll come in disguise. I know that.
But I have an advantage. My uncle used to do business with Mr. Thorn.
They were like that, very close. Yeah, he described him to me many times.
A tall, powerful man, with jet black hair, which would by now be gray.
Just a hint of a Texas accent. And an impeccable dresser.
Excuse me, Mr. Thorn. Welcome aboard.
My name isn't Thorn. It's tillman. George tillman.
Right. Tillman. You'll be staying in the presidential suite.
I don't think so.
I won this free cruise, but I don't think it's for the presidential suite.
George tillman? That's your real name?
For as long as I remember.
Okay. You can check in at the purser's desk, right through there.
-Thank you. -Yeah.
Mr. Thorn?
No.
You do a big TV series, still they don't know who you are.
That wasn't him either. Just...
Excuse me. Do you know which way "aft" is?
Yeah, that way. First cruise?
Yes.
I'm Adam bricker, ship's doctor.
Allan Davis. Thanks for the directions.
Don't mention it.
You'll get adjusted pretty quickly.
It only took me five years.
Excuse me. I understand Maxwell Thorn is on board.
Gosh, I'd give anything to meet him.
I like those terms. Why don't we go somewhere quiet and discuss it?
Hello, welcome aboard. [Gasps] You're army archerd.
And this is my wife, Selma.
Well, how do you do?
I'm so glad you're on this cruise. I can't wait to hear all the Hollywood gossip.
When we're on vacation, he can't even mention the word "Hollywood."
Oh...
Sorry.
Well, enjoy your cruise.
Thank you.
Leslie uggams, Tina Louise.
-Is that you? -Army, we should do lunch.
We'll call you.
Bye-bye.
Come on, let's get the show on the road.
Hello.
Uh, yes, Jessica and Sarah York.
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
Could we move things along quickly, please.
Sure thing.
I don't know why we had to waste time coming along on this cruise
when one meeting would have tied things up just fine.
Mother, you almost blew this deal with Maxwell Thorn.
We're just lucky that I was able to arrange this.
It's crazy, honey. It's just crazy.
I mean, a one-week cruise for a half-hour meeting.
It doesn't make sense. I should never have sent you to that finishing school in the east.
Oh, welcome aboard.
Well, thank you, captain.
Ace.
Hmm? Oh. Welcome aboard.
I'm Irene culver, Maxwell Thorn's personal secretary.
What?
I'm merrill stubing. And this is purser Evans.
-How do you do. -Where is Mr. Thorn? Isn't he coming?
-Oh, he's already on board. -How?
[Chuckles] Well, Mr. Thorn has many ways of not being recognized. He's very clever.
-Well, I hope you enjoy the cruise, Ms. Culver. -Thank you. I intend to.
Mr. Thorn might like to keep to himself,
but when I'm not working, I like to party.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, pardon me, sir. Have you seen my aunt Sylvia?
I'm afraid I haven't.
Well, if you see her, please tell her I'm looking for her.
-All right. -Thank you.
Maybe Thorn was in the luggage.
Ace.
I'll bet he was that nun that came on early.
-Ace, let it go. -That was it, he was the nun.
[Grunting]
Hey, can I help you with that?
Here.
Yes. Thank you.
Ooh, heavy.
Hope this is my room.
Is that your key?
Yeah.
[Grunting]
Here.
I got it, I got it.
Oh. Whew!
Thanks.
I'm Robert McBride.
Margret Grant.
Well, are you cruising alone?
-Yes, yes. -Me, too.
Oh. [Chuckles]
I hear there's this real famous billionaire on board this time.
-Ah! -You him?
-No, no. [Chuckles] -[Laughs] Ah.
So, uh, I'll go now. And...
There might be some other people out there who need help with their luggage.
Right.
So, uh...
Thanks again.
You have fun.
Yeah, you too.
Okay.
Julie, I almost didn't make it.
Aunt Silvia, I was so worried.
Oh, I wouldn't miss this trip for the world.
Good. You're going to love this cruise. The billionaire Maxwell Thorn is here on board.
Oh, that pig. He financed a play I did and it closed in two days.
I wouldn't be caught dead on the same cruise with him.
Maybe next time?
Aunt Silvia!
[Ship horn blowing]
Well, we're out of port and headed for the high seas.
No matter how many times I do it, it's always exciting.
Oh, I'm happy for you.
So, what do you say we get our swimsuits on and take a swim,
and then go for a sauna, and have an early buffet.
Merrill, I have no life.
We just left port. Things will pick up.
I mean, I've just got to find something constructive
to do with my time.
All I do on these cruises is lie in the sun and eat.
Well, what do you want to do?
I don't know. See, that's my problem.
Hmm. How about a hobby? I know a captain's wife who collects buttons.
Merrill, I can do better than that.
Why don't we do something together?
No, no. You've got your work to do.
I've got to find something that's all my own.
Okay. I understand.
Does this mean I have to go to the buffet by myself?
Sarah?
Allan, what are you doing here?
Not looking for you, you can bet on that.
Well, I don't suppose we got adjoining cabins by chance.
Maybe somebody is playing a bad joke on us.
I'm not laughing.
Hello, Isaac.
Hi.
Club soda, please.
Are you enjoying the cruise, Mr. Berle?
Julie, we've known each other for a long time.
You can call me Mr. Television.
You know, at my house, we used to call you Mr. Tuesday night.
Really? At my house, that's what my wife still calls me.
Thank you. You look beautiful today, Julie.
Thank you.
Oh, gosh. Wait till I tell my dad that uncle miltie almost said hello to me.
-Hello, Ms. McCoy. -Oh, hello, Mr. McBride.
What a nice man. I'm really glad he won this trip.
He won this cruise?
Mm-hmm.
Some travel agency gave it to him as a promotion.
That's funny. A guy named tillman won a free trip too.
No, it wasn't tillman. It was a guy named Jackson that won the free cruise.
No, the guy I talked to, his name was George tillman.
I remember because at first, I thought he was...
Well, I just remember.
Well, ciao. Hello.
Oh, hello...
Margret Grant.
Sorry. I'm terrible with names.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing I'm not shy, isn't it?
-Isn't it? -Oh, yes, sure. [Chuckles]
So, going all the way to acapulco, huh?
Oh, I guess so. I can't swim that far.
See, I like this. This is what I like, a guy with a sense of humor.
Why don't we have dinner tonight and see where it leads?
Boy, you don't waste any time, do you?
No, well, you see, Robert, let's face it.
We're not kids anymore, so why don't we just go, we'll have dinner,
and after one dinner we'll know, if it doesn't work out, we can move on.
Yeah? Yeah!
I'm sorry, Ms. York, but I can't move Mr. Davis to another cabin.
Why not? You're the purser, aren't you?
Yes, I am, but Mr. Davis's ticket was paid for
by mcguffin travel service and they stipulated that cabin.
Great, I can't believe this is happening.
Why don't you move, sweetheart?
That was my next idea.
Well, the two of you could switch cabins,
but that wouldn't solve your problem.
Sarah, what happened between you and me
was a long time ago.
Not long enough.
Why don't you relax. This is a big ship. If we play our cards right,
we could get through this whole trip without ever once seeing each other.
I take it the two of you have met before?
Mcguffin travel service. Isaac.
Hmm?
Isaac, something very strange is going on.
Four people on board this cruise won free trips from mcguffin travel service.
So?
So, don't you see what's happening?
No.
Shoot. I was hoping you would. I don't get it, either.
Ace, travel agencies do this sort of thing all the time.
I know, but all these people seem to have won a contest they never entered.
I think that's pretty strange.
I think you're pretty strange.
What are you trying to say?
All I'm trying to say is
that you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, if nobody did that, we wouldn't have any mountains, would we?
Oh! I'm sorry, excuse me.
[Ringing]
Your attention, please. I'd like to recognize a celebrity in our midst.
Emily stubing is the winner of our first day at sea shuffleboard tournament.
Well, thank you. Of course, I couldn't accept the trophy
because I am the relative of a ship's employee.
Oh, Emily, a championship is a championship, trophy or not.
Wine steward. Champagne.
Do you feel fulfilled yet?
Well, it's going to take more than one day, merrill.
Oh. Well, let me know when you do.
Ms. Culver...
Oh, Irene.
Irene, why would a man who has everything like Mr. Thorn
want to become a total recluse?
Well, I have two theories.
Either he was disappointed in love or he just got tired of people asking how rich he is.
-How rich is he? -Vicki! That's not the kind of thing you ask someone.
Unless, of course, Ms. Culver would like to tell us.
It's hard to keep up. You know, when he decided to take this trip,
he was torn as to whether to buy a ticket or the ship.
[All] Ooh!
Darling, you really must watch your diet.
You're absolutely right.
Happy anniversary, compliments of the pacific Princess.
Oh, no, but it's not our anniversary.
No.
Happy birthday. Compliments of the pacific Princess.
No, we're about two months away from that.
Yes.
Close enough.
Oh, Isaac, if you should happen to see the waiter,
would you tell him that we don't use cream. We only use...
So, my husband said to me,
"I think I'd like to take a little vacation from this marriage."
-You know what I said to him? -Hmm?
"Hey, frank, why don't you take a big vacation from this marriage?"
Which by the way, he did. He went to Tahiti with his girlfriend,
who fit in perfectly, because she was a topless dancer when he met her.
Nice.
And after trying to work it out for seven years,
i became a legal secretary for the lawyer that handled my divorce.
Then I got to take my first vacation, which is this cruise,
and I met a potentially interesting man, which is you,
and I ordered the fillet of sole.
And I stopped trying to be Maggie. And that's the story of Margret Grant in five minutes.
And it's your turn.
Well, I'm sorry. But I just have not led a very interesting life.
-Come on. -I was an accountant until I quit my job a few months ago.
I refuse to believe a good-looking guy like you
has not had exciting things happen in his life.
Well, it's true. As a matter of fact,
the most exciting thing that ever happened to me was winning this cruise.
I didn't even enter a contest. It just showed up in the mail.
You see? There, that's a start. Okay?
I'll tell you what.
You stick with me, and I will make this trip
the most memorable experience in your life.
-Ah. [Chuckles] -Unless you have a heart condition.
[Gasps] What are you doing in my cabin?
I'm not in your cabin. I'm in my cabin.
Someone seems to have taken our wall.
-Well, put it back! -I didn't take it.
Oh, come off it, Allan.
It's just like you to do something like this.
Hello, this is Allan Davis. I'd like to report a missing wall.
Hello, this is Sarah York. Someone has stolen my wall.
Not a wallet. A wall.
No, I'm not drunk.
Excuse me. Would you let me handle this, please?
I think we have two very confused people on the switchboard.
Never mind.
Thank you.
I'm in aloha 156.
Apparently someone has removed the partition
that converts the cabins into a two-bedroom suite.
I would like it replaced tonight, please.
Because there is a semi-nude woman standing here who looks like she could be dangerous.
Can't you wake somebody up?
Right. Okay. Good night. They can't do it until tomorrow morning.
Well, you'll just have to find someplace to sleep tonight.
I have a place to sleep.
-You can't sleep there. -Why not?
Well, because, and I wish you wouldn't do that.
-Do what? -You know what. Stop taking your clothes off.
I'm going to bed. I always take all my clothes off right before going to bed.
Look, if you don't approve, why don't you find somewhere else to sleep?
Well, if you were a gentleman... But why would I expect you to be a gentleman?
I can't imagine what I ever saw in you. I must have been out of my mind.
-Well, you're still beautiful. -And you're still an animal. Now get out of my room.
You're in my room. You've crossed the magic threshold, in case you hadn't noticed?
[Groans]
And in case you get any ideas, I want you to know
that I am sleeping with a very sharp fingernail file.
Oh, don't worry. If I get any ideas, they certainly won't include you.
I thought you were watching the kids.
Mike, it's your day to watch the kids.
Will you relax, Carol? They're all grown up anyway.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, hello, Mr. Evans.
Uh, ace.
Oh, ace. Uh, come in.
Oh, I didn't expect to find you here.
Oh, well, Mr. Thorn works day and night, even when he's on vacation.
As long as he's up, could I see him? I know, I know, he's a very private man.
Private? You're being kind. My boss is a recluse.
He may be a little mad, but when you're rich, people forgive you things like that.
You know, my uncle and Mr. Thorn are very old and dear friends.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
Maybe you've met him. Marshall Evans,
textile magnate, international banker, olympic pistol champion.
Oh, I remember marsh. Yes, he and Mr. Thorn did some business years ago.
Yeah. When I was a little kid, my uncle used to tell me all about him,
how they'd go duck hunting and fishing together. They were big buddies.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
You know, I was wondering, since he's on the ship,
my uncle would skin me alive if I didn't stop by and at least say hi to him.
-I'm afraid that's impossible. -I've heard the publicity. That's not really true, is it?
Oh, yes, I am the only human being he talks to face to face.
Oh. Couldn't you just ask him?
All right, but I know what he's going to say.
Great, I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
Mr. Thorn, Mr. Thorn, there's a young man here to see you.
-[Thorn] Who is it? -It's...
-Ashley. -It's Ashley Evans.
He's the nephew of Marshall Evans.
They used to go duck hunting together.
Oh, yeah. You used to go duck hunting together.
[Thorn] I've told you a hundred times,
i don't want to see anybody. I don't care who it is.
Thank you, Mr. Thorn. I'm sorry, he's just too busy.
Uh, yes, I heard.
Yes, well, then I'm especially sorry.
He's just no fun anymore.
Well, I understand.
But you can tell your uncle hello from me.
Yeah, sure, he gets to meet everybody famous.
The Kennedys, queen Elizabeth.
You know, once he went waterskiing with Warren Beatty.
Oh, that must've been fun.
I know. Oh, oh, yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, our ping-pong champion, Emily stubing.
But since she's our captain's wife and can't compete officially,
the trophy goes to our first runner-up, Mr. Howard pfister.
Emily. Congratulations, Mr. Pfister.
Thank you very much. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go lie down for a while.
Now how about that! Ping-pong champion of the entire ship.
I'll bet it was fulfilling, even without the trophy.
Well, the thrill of victory wasn't quite what I hoped it would be.
There's got to be more. But he's a cute guy. I'm glad he won.
I don't care what dad says, I'm a grown woman. I don't want to go to the party.
Now, now, dear, always remember: "Father knows best."
Isaac, can we talk?
Sure. I've only got 17 drink orders to fill. I've got plenty of time.
Good. Something very strange is happening on the ship.
You said that yesterday.
I know. I was in Mr. Thorn's cabin--
you saw Maxwell Thorn?
Well, just to say hello. My uncle and he are very close.
Anyway, while I was there, I saw a list of names.
On it were all the passengers who won free trips
from mcguffin travel service. What does that mean to you?
I don't think it means anything.
It must mean something. Everything means something.
Poor thing. Wish you'd done better in your little ping-pong tournament.
It's only a game. I don't take it as seriously as the captain's wife.
She was out for blood, wasn't she? Well, look where we are.
We're right in front of your cabin.
I would ask you to show it to me, but we both know it looks exactly like mine,
so who would I be kidding.
You move very fast.
Yeah, too fast?
Hmm. Good thing I didn't make this offer last night.
Okay, all right, I'll slow down.
We'll have dinner again tonight and then you'll show me your cabin.
All right. I ought to be rested by then.
-Yeah. -[Chuckles]
Hey.
Well, maybe I'd better call room service and order some vitamin b.
Ah, could you mail these for me, please?
Yeah. Uh, Mr. Gilbert,
didn't you win this cruise from mcguffin travel services?
-Yeah. Yeah, that's right. -Yeah.
You wouldn't by any chance know Maxwell Thorn, would you?
No, I don't know him. But I'll tell you this, I hate his guts.
You hate a man you don't even know?
I spent 20 years working in one of his chemical plants.
You know what it got me? A pair of bad lungs that hardly work and an early retirement.
I should have sued him, but I knew I wouldn't be any match for his hotshot lawyers.
Well, have a nice day.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, excuse me, excuse me, but I have this tremendous urge to go up on deck and dance.
Would anyone care to join me?
Relax, mother. Mr. Thorn said that he'd meet with us.
I'm sure he didn't become one of the richest men in the world
by playing practical jokes on people.
Well, the whole trip's a wild goose chase.
As soon as we get to acapulco,
we're going to take the first plane back to Houston
and try to find some new financing.
Oh. Hi, Allan. Through with dinner already?
Actually, I'm having a little trouble. My table seems to have disappeared.
Souvenir hounds, they're everywhere.
No, really. I was assigned table 17, and tonight, it's not there anymore.
Well, we haven't passed through the Bermuda triangle.
Let me check with the maître d'. Excuse me, Mr. Davis can't seem to find his table.
Oh, well, what do I look like, Scotland yard?
Davis. Let's see. I have Patti Davis, Marvin Davis.
Uh, ah, here it is, Allan Davis, 42. Right over there.
I'll show you the way. It'll be good practice
in case I ever want a second career as a maître d'.
Here we are. Now, if you lose this one, you'll have to eat in your room.
[Sarah] What? What are you doing here?
I've been assigned to this table.
Why don't you leave my daughter alone?
Me? Can't you see what she's doing?
Yes.
[Sarah] Me? I didn't arrange any of this.
Come on, I'm a teacher. I have a logical mind. I can figure these things out.
[Sarah] Well, figure this out. If you think your sophomoric maneuvers
are going to get me back into your bed, well, you're crazy.
Sarah. [Laughs]
Don't pay any attention to us. We're rehearsing a play.
Ah. The prime rib looks good, doesn't it?
Mom, they're actors. Maybe they could help me get into show business.
Why don't you get a real job, squirt?
Boys, stop fighting and eat your vegetables.
Hmm. You know, Isaac, I've spoken with all the people who won free cruises.
And none of them know each other. Except two of them have worked for Mr. Thorn.
Robert McBride was an accountant for his holding company.
And Jeff Gilbert worked in a chemical plant that Thorn owns.
-You've got nothing. -That's what I thought. Until I made a few phone calls,
and then I found out that one of the many companies that Thorn owns is mcguffin travel service.
Ah, there you go. That explains the list. Case closed.
Except for one little thing. Mcguffin travel service has
no phone listing, no offices, no desks, no employees.
It appears the entire company was formed just to give
these people free tickets on this cruise.
How did you get all this information?
I called my father's secretary. She can find out anything.
That's all you've got?
-Well, yeah. -Then can we go eat now?
Isaac, Isaac, there's George tillman. His name was on Thorn's list.
Why would a billionaire like Maxwell Thorn
want to give a free cruise to an out-of-work engineer?
Unless... unless it was part of a larger plot.
Maybe Thorn needs help with his math homework.
Oh, great. You're scoffing at me, aren't you?
I've got it. Thorn is planning to kidnap
the entire world's population six people at a time.
I was hoping you would help me with this one.
[Woman screams]
Let me handle this. I'm a doctor.
It doesn't seem to be a heart attack. Help me get him to the infirmary.
Do you know the way?
Yes, I know the way.
Now, do you believe me?
[Gunshot]
Oh, dad, if Emily hits this one, she'll win the match.
It won't make any difference. She still won't be fulfilled.
Oh, come on, dad. You're underestimating her.
You think so? Watch.
Let her fly!
All right! Yay!
Congratulations. You know, something has been bothering me.
You look so familiar. Have you ever been to Milwaukee?
Been there? I lived there for 11 years.
Really?
But I don't remember you.
Hey, congratulations. Good shooting!
Yep, I suppose so.
So what's next, sweetheart?
Bridge. I think I'm gonna try bridge.
[Sighs]
See?
[Julie over pa] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to exciting acapulco.
Whether you're interested in parasailing, sightseeing
or finding an out-of-the-way shop for that one-of-a-kind souvenir,
we're sure you'll find it all in this Mexican paradise.
Have a wonderful day.
Ms. Culver? Ms. Culver, it's ace Evans.
Hmm.
Mr. Thorn, are you in there, sir?
Here we are, master key.
Mr. Thorn...
Hmm.
Emily, we need to talk.
I don't think you're making any progress.
Oh, merrill, you're right. I'm still unfulfilled.
And, you know, I'm beginning to develop a real bad case of shuffleboard elbow.
Well, what would you do in Fresno? Outside of running your trucking business?
You know, merrill, I don't know what I did. Oh, I dabbled in this or that.
But other than running my trucking business, I don't think I did anything else.
Emily, tell me the truth. Is it our marriage?
-What? -It's me, isn't it? Our marriage is falling apart?
Well, I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
I mean, I don't know. I don't think it's our marriage.
You don't think it's our marriage?
Well, obviously, I'm no help.
Look, why don't you talk to Vicki. She studied psychology.
Really? Well, that's a good idea.
Yeah, we'll go shopping and we'll have a nice long talk.
Great, that should help. Listen, Emily, uh, when you talk to Vicki,
uh, don't tell her about our intimate, private...
Oh, no, merrill.
Good.
Can't I ever get away from you?
You'll have to just suffer through it.
-[Elevator rattles, clanks] -I don't believe this.
We're stuck.
Hey, doc.
Hey.
How's George tillman?
Oh, he's still in the infirmary.
I can't figure out what was wrong with him.
He was sick all night, but this morning, he's fine.
Hmm. Could it have been poison?
Ace, what is it with you? Last night, you called to ask me if he had been shot.
This morning, you're asking about poison.
You haven't been reading Nancy drew again, have you?
Very interesting.
What's interesting? It's an elevator shaft.
Somebody stuck some gum on the bottom of the elevator. How'd they do that?
Gentlemen, could we hurry this up? There are passengers in that elevator
and they're missing the best shopping hours.
You wanna fix this yourself?
I hope they get this thing fixed in the next couple of weeks.
I have to be home in time for midterms.
Why don't you sit down? This could take a while, you know.
I'll sit down when I want to sit down.
[Loud clanging]
So you've been pretty successful the last few years, huh?
Yeah, I've done all right. Our fourth quarter profits are up 30% this year.
Last year we had a stock split.
And if we get this financing from Maxwell Thorn,
we'll be the sixth-largest developer of commercial real estate
in the entire Houston area.
I'm impressed.
No, you're not.
-Yes, I am. -No, you're not.
-Okay, I'm not. -[Clanging, clattering continues]
[Ringing]
-Hello? -[Man] I know what you've done. You won't get away.
Who is this?
[Line disconnects]
And what have you been doing with your life?
Well, I can't say my fourth quarter profits compare to yours.
I've been working with underprivileged kids.
Trying to get the city to give us some money for a basketball program.
And I suppose that you find that to be rewarding.
It has its ups and downs.
Last week, one of the most promising kids was killed in a gang war.
Oh...
Yeah. But another kid I've been working with,
his name is Jose Sanchez, he just qualified for a scholarship at ucla.
Four years ago, he was stealing money for drugs.
Now it looks like he's going to make it.
So, like I say, it has its ups and downs.
Well, I think Jose beats my fourth quarter earnings.
[Elevator rattles, dings]
This is our stop.
The working man comes through again.
They have a little salad. Thank you.
I don't know what it is. I just don't feel at home on the ship.
Well, why?
It's the captain's table.
And the captain's chair. I'm just the captain's woman.
No matter what your father says, I feel like I'm just another one of the passengers.
But, Emily, you're not just another passenger.
You are the first lady of the pacific Princess.
The first lady.
Yeah.
I like the sound of that.
When we get back, I want you to meet my very best girlfriend Arlene because...
She's not going to believe this.
I actually found romance on a luxury cruise.
I did find romance, didn't I?
Well, uh, Margret, these past few days have been great.
Uh-oh.
I think I've heard this before. I'm too pushy, huh?
I scare men off.
No.
Actually, I'm a lot better now. You should have known me ten years ago.
Well, I wish I had. Because it has nothing to do with you, Margret.
I just-- there's nothing I'd like better than to go back
and meet your friend and your family and your dog.
I have a cat.
-But I can't. -Why not?
Because when we get back, I'll be tying up a few details
and then I'm leaving the country.
So, when you get back in the states...
I'm leaving for good.
You were such a strange man when I first met you.
What was so strange about taking you out to dinner? I wanted to impress you.
Well, believe me, it was the first and only time
that I've had dinner in a hot air balloon.
I wanted to stand out from the rest of the guys.
You sure did that.
It was an adventure, right?
We got lost.
Hey, it was my first time, too.
It was? You never told me that.
I thought if I did, you wouldn't trust me.
Oh, I trusted you. Obviously too much.
Look, I have a feeling we shouldn't talk about the past anymore.
Let's skip right to the present.
I think that's a real good idea. So, what should we talk about?
Maybe we don't have much in common anymore.
Maybe not.
Well, it's time for lunch. I'm hungry.
Me, too.
Well, look at that. We have hunger in common.
We could move up the ladder of basic animal needs and see where it goes.
Probably not as far as you think that it will.
Are you sure, ace?
Afternoon, captain, doc.
Afternoon.
Captain, I've got to talk to you.
I think there's something going on here
that needs to come to your attention.
What is it?
Captain, before ace tells you his theory,
i want you to know I have nothing to do with this.
-I'm just trying to keep this man from going over the edge. -[Clears throat]
You remember the movie ten little Indians? It's a murder mystery.
-That was a book, wasn't it? -Yeah, it was a book and then it was a movie.
Gentlemen.
What I'm trying to say
is I think that's what's going on on board this ship.
I believe that Maxwell Thorn has brought some people on board this ship
for the express purpose of doing them in.
Doing them in what? Do you mean murdering them?
-I know it sounds crazy. -It sounds crazy to me.
Same here.
Just hear me out.
Fact: Maxwell Thorn owns mcguffin travel service.
Fact: There are six people on board this ship
who have been given free cruises from mcguffin travel service.
Fact: In Mr. Thorn's cabin, there is a list of these people.
Fact: Mr. George tillman, passenger, is one of the names on the list.
Fact: Mr. Tillman keeled over last night at dinner. Cause: "Unknown."
Fact: Mr. Tillman has been crossed off Thorn's list, in blood red.
Crossed off in blood?
Well, it was actually red ink. But the symbolism is there.
Ace, I hate to disappoint you,
but I discovered the reason why Mr. Tillman passed out at dinner.
He's allergic to shellfish.
He's never noticed it because you don't get a lot of shellfish in Kansas.
Ace, are you suggesting that Mr. Thorn tried to kill tillman by force-feeding him shellfish?
Did I mention I have nothing to do with this?
Fact: If you are not out of my sight in ten seconds,
-you're in deep trouble. -Yes, sir.
Shellfish...
Keep an eye on him, will you?
Yes, sir.
Just as long as we agree that this does not go on my permanent record.
Oh, merrill, you've ruined the surprise.
Oh, no.
I'm surprised.
Dad, isn't it wonderful?
Emily found all this stuff in acapulco.
Imagine that.
We had to wait for a time when you were out of the cabin long enough
so we could have all this stuff moved in.
Merrill, the most wonderful thing happened
and I owe it all to Vicki.
-She made me realize what it was. -What "what" was?
What?
What "what" was?
What I was after. I quit my trucking business
to become a homemaker.
So I'm making our home.
Did you ever see anything like it in your whole life?
Uh, yes... once in Tijuana.
Don't you just love it?
Love?
Oh, love is too small a word to express my feelings.
Oh, I'm so glad you like it.
I'm so glad you're happy. Well, I'd better get back.
The bedroom hasn't been changed?
A waterbed. You want to see it?
No, no. I'll see it later.
A waterbed on a ship?
He loves it!
I know!
Now for the felt painting.
I don't want to be here.
Isaac, I need you.
If we get caught, I want to be able to tell Mr. Thorn
we were trying to surprise him with a complimentary bottle of champagne. Okay?
Hello?
I hope prison isn't like it is in the movies.
That list was right here.
[Irene] Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you.
-You've got to stop drinking. -Shh!
[Thorn] Leave me alone, Irene.
[Irene] I'm only trying to help.
Remember last year in Marrakesh? You disappeared for three days.
We didn't know what had happened to you.
[Thorn] It was none of your business.
Just promise me you won't leave the cabin.
Irene, we're on a ship. What could happen on a ship?
All right, you're the boss.
That's right. I am the boss. Now get me another drink.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
My thinking exactly. I'd say we brought him the wrong gift, huh?
Why do you keep saying "we"?
Come on!
Hi. We gotta talk. All right, maybe "we" is the wrong word.
I gotta talk. I'm just not ready to give up on this relationship that easy.
What is it, did you murder somebody or something?
Come on, you can tell me. I can keep a secret.
No. I didn't murder somebody.
Thank goodness.
-You're running away from a wife, that's it, isn't it? -Never been married.
So, if you didn't murder anybody and you're not running away from a wife,
it can't be that bad, can it?
Margret, there are some people I used to work for
that think I stole money from them. I think they're after me.
Well...
Did you ever think about going to the police?
No, no, these are very powerful people.
No, the only chance I've got is to try to start over again somewhere else.
And that's what I'm going to do.
What is it? What's wrong?
Nothing.
I do have something to do. So, why don't you meet me in the lounge in half an hour?
Okay. Are you sure there's nothing wrong?
No, nothing I can't take care of.
[Captain over pa] Ladies and gentlemen, we hope you've had a fabulous day in acapulco.
Now it's time for a fabulous night on the pacific Princess as we set sail for home.
[Laughs] Well, it sure has been an interesting day.
You know, if my mother could see us right now, I think she'd drop dead.
Really? Let's find her.
Good night, Allan.
Good night, Ms. York. It was a lovely evening. Hope to see you again sometime.
Well, they seem to have taken our wall again.
I noticed.
What do you think we should do about it?
I guess I'm defenseless.
I seem to have lost my fingernail file.
Oh, merrill, you having trouble sleeping on our new waterbed?
I keep dreaming we're lost at sea.
Why, did you eat something?
No, it's something i'm sleeping on. Look Emily, we've gotta talk.
Good. I love it when we talk, you always say such interesting things.
Now, look Emily, you have to admit it, there is something that is still bothering you.
No, I'm fine now.
Yeah.
Well, look, when I thought you started to redo the menus,
and that you started to schedule all the social activities,
i thought you were gonna be excited, but you're not, Emily, you're not.
Oh, let's face it, merrill, everybody is so nice.
But they just say that they like my ideas because I'm the captain's wife.
No, that's not true, they love you. And they like you and they like your ideas.
No, they're just trying to spare my feelings,
like you did when you said you liked my redecorating.
What are you talking about? I love it.
Tell the truth.
-Okay, I hate it. -See!
Oh, Emily. Emily...
Emily, look, a waterbed on a ship is highly impractical and it's redundant.
I thought it was soothing. What about your office?
-Merrill? -Well, it's just not me.
-Well, who is it? -Well, I don't know, Erik estrada. It's just not me.
A captain's office should be...
It should be full of ship things.
You didn't like anything about it, did you?
No, I did like that small ship's wheel paperweight.
That was there before. Okay, captain, I guess I know where I stand.
Well, tomorrow, I'll put all your ship things back
and I guess I'll just have to get used to the idea of being the captain's little wife.
[All screaming]
I came in early this morning, but he wasn't here.
When I heard about the man who fell overboard last night,
I didn't want to think it could be Mr. Thorn.
We've checked the entire ship. He's the only passenger who was missing.
I knew something like this would happen.
Oh?
Oh! Mr. Thorn has wandered off by himself before.
-He has a terrible drinking problem. -I'll say.
I noticed all the liquor around the room. Captain, why don't you handle this?
Thank you, ace. I was trying to do just that.
Periodically, Mr. Thorn has gotten drunk and wandered off by himself.
He did it again last night. He had been drinking heavily.
I begged him not to leave the cabin.
He must have gone out on the deck and slipped.
I just can't believe he's gone.
I'm sorry.
Um, we'll talk about this later. We'll leave you alone now.
Oh, please don't go.
[Gasps] What are you doing here?
Huh?
Oh, right, sorry.
It's going to take me a while to adjust to not thinking of you as a nightmare.
You sure know how to build up a man's confidence.
I didn't know your confidence needed building.
If I'm cut, do I not bleed?
I don't know. I'll have to try it sometime.
Wait a minute! Can't you see what's happening?
Yeah.
I'm falling in love with you again.
That's not good?
No. We broke up. We fought.
We said nasty things to each other.
Hey, life goes on.
[Julie over pa] Ladies and gentlemen, join us on the fiesta deck
for a very special buffet.
Fried chicken, chili. What is this?
It was Emily's idea. A truck-stop buffet.
You know, she was in the trucking business.
Yes, I knew that.
Isn't this great? I mean, she comes up with such radical ideas!
Yes. Radical. That's the word for it.
And every passenger gets a free cap.
No, thanks, I'm in uniform.
Captain, may I speak with you... privately?
Will you excuse us, Vicki, please?
What is it, ace?
I was wrong about it being the ten little Indians.
It's really murder on the orient express.
Ace, I spent the night trying to sleep in my wife's new waterbed.
A world-famous billionaire was lost at sea.
I am eating truck-stop food for lunch. I don't want to hear this.
I know, but it all fits together. Thorn brought these people on board to murder them,
but they turned the tables on him and they got him first.
Is that what happened in murder on the orient express?
Well, not exactly. But it's close. I think we better investigate this.
Oh, you mean find some real evidence and motive.
That's a unique approach. I'll tell you what, ace.
Once you find something, then and only then do I plan on seeing you.
So if you will excuse me, my grits are getting cold.
[Sighs] He won't listen to me.
Look, I don't buy this George tillman shellfish story.
I think the guy faked the whole thing.
Ace, I'm a doctor. I ran tests.
Chemistry doesn't lie. It's our friend.
Jeff Gilbert. What does anybody know about him?
Is he the tennis pro from long beach?
He used to work in a chemical plant.
A tennis pro in a chemical plant?
He doesn't play tennis.
Gilbert. I have a Gilbert on my list of passengers
-that require special medical supervision. -What's wrong with him?
He's suffering from a lung ailment.
He told me he has only a year to live. Sad story.
Yes. Yes. It's all falling into place. Jeff Gilbert is our killer.
Ace, if you were a book, I'd throw you away.
Don't you see? Gilbert worked in a chemical plant that Thorn owns.
He blames Thorn for his sickness. There's your motive.
-There's your motive. -Excuse me, could I see you for one minute?
Yeah, sure. I am going to blow this case wide open.
[Imitates explosion] Yeah!
Isaac, you know, if we were really his friends,
we'd stop him from making a fool of himself.
[Both] Nah.
Oh! All right!
Let's get going, baby.
[Laughing]
[Indistinct]
Sarah, darling, where have you been all day?
Oh, hello, mother. You know Allan.
I asked you a question, honey.
She's been with me, Mrs. York.
Oh, oh, that's just fine. That's just fine.
You went off with this no-good while our business has been going right down the drain.
Mother, what are you talking about?
So, you two have been tucked away someplace together, haven't you?
Maxwell Thorn fell overboard last night and along with him, our financing.
Maxwell Thorn is dead?
Why couldn't it have been you?
-Tough lady. -Sarah, darling, haven't you learned your lesson?
Finding this man with that other woman in the hotel room?
Mother, that was five years ago.
Well, he hasn't changed. He's still a mullet.
You know what a mullet is, don't you?
A mullet is a little fish swimming around,
waiting for a big fish to come and eat him up.
Why don't you go back to that woman with the unfortunate name of chastity
and leave my daughter alone!
I'm sorry about my mother, Allan. She's just being overprotective.
Yes, I remember.
Now, Ms. Culver.
Yes?
Would you verify the fact that this man, Jeffrey t. Gilbert,
once worked for excision chemical company,
a fully owned subsidiary of Thorn incorporated?
Yes, I know Mr. Gilbert. You see--
and Dr. Adam bricker, isn't it true
that Mr. Gilbert is suffering from a lung disease, a condition one contracts
while working under hazardous conditions with chemicals?
Yes, but I only know that because he told me.
Oh, come on, people. Gilbert worked for Thorn.
He got a fatal disease and he took revenge on him.
What the hell are you talking about?
Ace, this has gone far enough.
There's no reason to believe anyone killed Mr. Thorn.
It was an accident.
Ah!
But I have proof it was no accident.
In fact, it was murder, pure and simple.
[Knocking]
I'll get that.
How long do I have to stay in here?
You may come out now.
-Ladies and gentlemen, this is Margret Grant. -Hello.
Would you please tell them what you told me?
Yes. I went for a walk last night on the deck to get some air
and I saw a man and he was carrying something
and then I realized what he was carrying.
He was carrying another man over his shoulder. And he was unconscious.
And he walked over to the rail, he threw the body overboard.
-Oh, my god! -Why didn't you come forward sooner?
I was too frightened. I guess I just didn't want to be involved.
But then when I heard that everybody on the ship,
they actually believed that this was an accident,
I had to say something. I had to say something.
We're proud of you, Ms. Grant. Now I know that this is extremely difficult for you.
But I want you to look at this man and tell us.
Is this the man that murdered Maxwell Thorn?
The captain?
No, no. This man.
Take your time, Ms. Grant.
We wouldn't want you to send a dying man to the chair.
No, no, this man looked nothing like him.
He doesn't?
He was bigger, taller, I think.
-He was? -Yes.
-Are you finished? -Yeah.
I mean, it's true I hated Thorn.
I blamed him for what happened to me,
but that was before this trip.
-Do you want to know why Thorn brought me here? -Well...
Tell them, Ms. Culver.
Well, Mr. Thorn felt terrible about what happened to Mr. Gilbert.
He brought him on this trip so he could visit a specialist in acapulco.
He's under treatment now that may very well save his life.
So, you see, if Thorn were here,
I may shake his hand, not push him overboard.
-Ah, well... -[Jeff] And you...
Me?
You!
I want you to stay out of my face for the rest of this cruise!
You got it! You got it.
All right, everyone, that's enough for tonight.
This way.
I was so sure it was Gilbert.
Oh, relax, ace, even Perry Mason lost one case.
He did? I didn't know that.
No, he didn't. I only said that to make you feel better.
[Groans]
[Knocking]
Hey!
Oh, Robert.
Where have you been. I've been looking all over the ship for you.
I've been with the captain. It was horrible.
Oh, come on. The captain may be a little boring,
his stories go on much too long, but...
No, no, it wasn't the captain.
It was what I saw that was horrible.
What are you talking about?
I saw Maxwell Thorn murdered last night.
You what?
I did.
I saw a man throw his body overboard. I'm so frightened.
Don't worry. I'm here. I'm here. Did you see what he looked like?
No. I couldn't see his face.
Oh, Ms. York, I'm sorry you never got your meeting with Mr. Thorn.
Oh, Ms. Culver, thank you very much.
That's very nice of you. I know you must be very upset.
Yes.
Ms. Culver, I'd like for you to meet my friend Allan Davis.
-Hello. -It's nice to meet you.
He's adorable. I wouldn't let him get away.
So, how about it? Are you going to let me get away?
I don't know, you have to be good. I haven't decided yet.
Sarah, your mother said something last night that's been bothering me.
Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She just doesn't like you.
I know. It's mutual, believe me. That's not it.
She mentioned the name of the girl you found me with in that hotel.
Allan, we're really not going to talk about this, are we?
How did she know her name? She never met her.
I don't know, maybe I told her.
Did you know her name?
No, Allan, what are you getting at?
I thought we were doing okay.
I really don't want to talk about what you did to me back then.
Sarah, I didn't do anything to you. I was set up. I told you that.
That girl was there when I walked in,
in my bed with no clothes on.
I was trying to get her out when you walked in. I didn't even know her name was chastity.
Are you trying to blame this all on my mother?
I just want to know how she found out the girl's name.
And why did you come there that night?
What difference does it make now?
And I really don't understand why you're bringing this up all over again.
It was the truth. I'd never met that woman.
You know, Allan, I thought that you were different.
I thought you'd grown up enough at least to be honest with me.
Now please, think, Mr. Tillman.
Surely at some time in your life, you knew Mr. Thorn.
Nope, never did.
Maybe you went to school together as kids.
Ace, the man says he doesn't know him.
There was a skippy Thorn.
Good.
But he's a barber now.
Mr. Tillman, come off it.
Thorn gave you a free cruise. Why would he do that?
Look, young man, I never look a gift horse in the mouth.
But I'm perfectly willing to punch you in the mouth if you don't leave me alone.
Geez, some guys really get bent out of shape when you accuse them of murder.
Hard to believe, huh?
[Julie over pa] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Everyone is invited to amateur night
in the international lounge.
["Conga" playing]
♪ Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪
♪ feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪
♪ don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat ♪
♪ feel the fire of desire as you dance the night away ♪
Your idea to have this amateur show was terrific. Where did you find her?
She is a secretary from des moines. She always wanted to sing and dance.
The passengers seem to love her.
Oh, you think so?
You know, whenever I make a suggestion, I always feel I'm imposing.
Oh, no, she really has the goods.
♪ There's no way you're gonna stop ♪
♪ come on, shake your body baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪
♪ feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger... ♪
Psst.
Excuse me, Emily. Duty calls.
Now, here's how we'll teach Mr. Honeywell a lesson he'll never forget.
Everything's in place, captain.
This time I think we'll get our killer.
I hope so.
Yeah.
♪ Come on, shake your body baby, do the conga ♪
♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪
♪ feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger ♪
♪ don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat ♪
♪ come on, shake your body baby, do the conga ♪
Interesting decor, captain.
Oh, yes. It's for a party.
[Knocking]
I'll get that, excuse me.
Ah, come on in, please.
We got word the captain wanted to see us.
Uh, hello, Irene.
Mr. McBride, I didn't expect to see you here.
So, what's this all about?
If you'll be seated, I'll explain everything to you.
Purser Evans has discovered evidence in our murder investigation.
You know who it was?
Maybe it would be better if purser Evans took it from here. Ace?
Thank you, captain. On the night in question, Mr. Thorn had been drinking.
Oh, he walked out on the deck, but he didn't fall overboard.
No, no, he was met by someone who knew who he was...
Someone who seized the opportunity.
That's right, Robert McBride killed Mr. Thorn.
What?
You're crazy?
Am I? Hmm?
Mr. McBride, isn't it true that you once worked for Mr. Thorn
as his senior accountant?
-Yes. -But that hardly makes him a murderer.
Mr. McBride, isn't it also true that you embezzled a large sum of money from Mr. Thorn
and that was the reason for your quick departure from Thorn incorporated?
Oh, my.
I don't have to answer these questions.
-Is it true, Robert? -No, no, it's not true.
Mr. Thorn brought you on board this cruise for the purpose of exposing your crime.
But you couldn't have that, could you? No, so you killed him.
Thus, adding murder to your list of evil deeds.
No, Robert wasn't the one.
But you said you didn't see the man's face.
No, Robert didn't do it, because he was with me
right up until the time that I went out onto the deck.
He wouldn't have had time to intercept Mr. Thorn.
-He wouldn't? -No.
How did you know he worked for Mr. Thorn?
Yes, ace. Where are you getting all this information?
My father's secretary. She knows everybody.
You're accusing me of murder based on the secretarial grapevine?
I figured you'd want to confess. I mean, the guilt, the pressure.
You don't want to spend your life running.
I don't want to confess to anything. Come on, Margret.
Gosh, this is hard.
Mr. Evans, may I make a suggestion?
Why don't you leave the crime business to professionals.
I think you're in over your head. Olé.
Way over your head.
Robert?
What?
You told me that some people thought you'd stole money from them. Was it Maxwell Thorn?
Yes, it was.
Come on, you don't believe any of the stuff that nutcase said in there, do you?
Tell me the truth. Did you steal the money?
Margret, I worked for that man for 18 years. I made him millions of dollars.
And I got nothing out of it, nothing. I deserve that money any way I can get it.
You killed him. You lied, I lied. You had plenty of time.
No, I did not kill him. That night, after I left you,
i went to Thorn's cabin, just to talk to him, just to try to clear this up somehow.
-He wasn't even there. -Well, you certainly have your alibi now, don't you?
Don't worry, I won't change my story.
I don't want to see you again.
[Chattering]
Where's your Mr. Davis?
I have no idea.
Oh, I'm sorry. Is something wrong?
Well, sometimes you think people have changed, and they really haven't.
I don't think I'll be seeing Allan anymore.
Oh. Don't worry, my dear.
Things have a way of working themselves out.
Oh, Ms. York. There's a message for you.
Oh?
I hope it's good news.
Thank you.
Maybe it's bad news.
[Knocking]
Just what do you want? Money?
No more than the next guy.
I won't go one cent higher than 25,000.
What are you talking about?
Don't you play games with me. You-- you mullet!
I got your note.
"I know about chastity, and I can prove it."
I was right. You did set me up.
Tell me, did you call Sarah and tell her to go to that hotel
or did you have someone do it for you?
You were never good enough for Sarah.
Why, if she'd gone off to marry you, she never would have come into the business with me.
She'd have gone off to some ghetto with you and wasted her life away.
Who was chastity?
What difference does that make?
This note is not from me. And I don't need your money.
I think Sarah is gonna find all this very interesting.
You are really pathetic. What proof do you have?
I can't believe you would do this to your own daughter.
Sarah won't believe you any more than I believe you didn't send that note.
Nice try, mullet.
[Irene] "As she heard the screams echo below,
celia was conscious of something evil breathing against her.
Something so awful and foul that she cringed."
[Knocking]
Well, Mr. McBride, what brings you here?
May I come in?
Well, certainly.
What is it?
I wanted you to know that I didn't kill Mr. Thorn.
I know that, Mr. McBride. You're not a murderer.
Yes, but I am a thief. I embezzled that money.
I worked for Thorn all those years. I had nothing to show for it. So I was angry.
But then once I had the money, I couldn't spend it.
I was afraid somebody might find me out.
I always thought of myself as an honest man.
It was difficult getting used to being a criminal.
You must have been miserable.
Well, I thought it would be a lot easier if I left the country.
That's why when I won this free cruise, it seemed like the perfect opportunity
to take the money and put it in some foreign bank account.
Look, I tried to find Mr. Thorn the night he was killed.
I wanted to give the money back,
and just take whatever was coming to me.
-I see. -So, I know it's a little belated,
but there's the money. It's all here.
It's never too late, Mr. McBride.
Thank you.
Good night.
[Jessica on tape] I won't go one cent higher than 25,000.
[Allan] I was right. You did set me up. Tell me.
Did you call Sarah and tell her to go to that hotel or did you have someone do it for you?
[Jessica] You were never good enough for Sarah.
Why, if she'd married you, she'd never have come into business with me.
She'd have gone off to some ghetto with you to waste her life away.
Hello, my dear sweet mother.
Oh, I can tell by the edge in your voice
that mullet has been filling you full of his fantasies.
Mother, why would you do such a thing? I was in love with him.
-You don't believe him. -For all these years, I haven't.
But it seems that someone has recorded your conversation on tape.
[Jessica on tape] ...Higher than 25,000.
Oh, look, honey lamb. It's just because I love you.
I tried to do the best for you. You had so much potential.
-I just couldn't let you-- -you couldn't let me live my own life. That's it, isn't it?
You can't stand the thought of not being in control of everything that surrounds you.
Your business as well as your very own daughter.
-Oh, Sarah... -Mother, that is not love.
Maybe one day you'll realize that.
Sarah?
What are you doing?
It's okay, the guy that lives here is dead.
Oh, right.
Ace, I just want you to know that if we get caught, i'm blaming everything on you.
Fine. Start looking.
What are we looking for?
Clues.
-Clues? -Yeah.
How will we know if we find one?
Just look for anything out of the ordinary.
A cigarette butt with lipstick on it,
a crumpled-up piece of paper with a phone number on it,
a spent cartridge.
A spent cartridge? The guy was thrown overboard.
He might have been shot first. I don't know, okay?
Ace, that's the first smart thing you've said.
You don't know nothing. I'm getting out of here.
Aha! What have we got here?
What is that?
Why don't we just find out?
[Thorn's voice] I've told you 100 times. I don't want to see anybody.
-I don't care who it is. -That's Thorn.
That's my final offer. Where's my ham on rye?
-What is this? -Irene, come in here and take a letter.
No. Yes. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Why would Thorn put his voice on a tape?
That is a very good question, Isaac.
Thank you, ace.
You're hired. You're fired. Hold all my calls.
I'm glad you could all be here.
Purser Evans has an interesting theory about the murder of Mr. Thorn.
Captain, don't tell us you're encouraging this madman.
I hate to admit it, Mr. McBride, but this time,
-i think ace has got something. -[Thunderclap]
Please, try to be brief.
I'll do my best, sir.
Okay. Okay, I'll admit this case had me fooled.
-That wouldn't be too hard. -Isaac.
Yes, yes, I should have seen it from the very beginning.
Thorn had a reputation for not being seen in public.
So it was no surprise when Irene culver, his personal secretary,
told us Mr. Thorn had come aboard secretly.
Maybe Thorn was in the luggage.
I had no idea how close to the truth I was at that moment.
Later, I went to see Mr. Thorn,
but I was told by Ms. Culver that he wouldn't see me or anyone else.
But you told me you saw him. You said your uncle and he were old friends.
Oh. Well, yeah, that's not important now.
I was insistent. Extremely insistent.
Mr. Thorn, there's a young man here to see you.
[Thorn's voice] Who is it?
-It's uh... -Ashley.
Oh, it's Ashley Evans. He's the nephew of Marshall Evans.
Uh, they used to go duck hunting together.
You used to go duck hunting together.
I've told you a hundred times. I don't want to see anybody.
-I don't care who it is. -Thank you, Mr. Thorn.
She used me to establish the fact that Thorn was alive and well,
when, in fact, he was neither.
-[Thunderclap] -Oh, you're accusing me.
-Mm-hmm. -How fascinating.
Wait a minute. You told me Thorn was alive the night we broke into his cabin.
You broke into Mr. Thorn's cabin?
No, he did.
I just went along because you told me to keep an eye on him.
Ah! A reminder: Don't always believe what you see.
Yes, I certainly saw someone that night.
Just promise me you won't leave the cabin.
[Man] Irene, we're on a ship. What could happen on a ship?
It wasn't Thorn I saw that night. It was her accomplice!
You're not trying to drag me into this again, are you?
Yes, Robert McBride was Irene culver's accomplice in murder.
-So you did do it. -No.
Wait a minute. This is all very interesting, but why am I here?
I don't know. I didn't invite you.
I did. Please, sit down, Mr. Evans,
and I'll clear up this mystery.
You were right about many things, Mr. Evans.
Unfortunately, not the most important one.
The first...
I did kill Mr. Thorn.
You did? You confess?
-Yes. -[Thunderclap]
[Ace] Grab her before she gets away! I got her!
Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
I-- I'm sorry.
And I did use you, Mr. Evans, because you were the most eager.
And there was something in that trunk, but it was hardly the dead body of Mr. Thorn.
And the night you and nice Mr. Washington were so kind as to do your reconnaissance...
Mr. Thorn, I'm begging you, you've got to stop drinking.
[Thorn] Leave me alone, Irene.
[Irene] Once again, you were my witness
to the fact that Mr. Thorn had been drinking heavily.
I needed people to see what they thought was Mr. Thorn falling to his death,
so I made sure he fell past a populated area in full view.
Unfortunately, I hadn't counted on Ms. Grant seeing my little murder.
But I suppose the darkness and shadows play tricks on a person
who thinks they are witness to a terrible crime.
[Sighs] And you people didn't believe my story.
So what happened to Mr. Thorn?
Nothing.
Even though I killed him, he's alive and well.
More coffee anyone?
I'd like you to meet my husband, Leonard culver.
That's him. That's the man that threw Mr. Thorn overboard.
How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?
Wait a minute, you've got Thorn's voice.
Ah-- this is very confusing.
Irene. You're Mr. Thorn, aren't you?
[Laughs] No!
Bravo. Very good, captain.
You see, years ago, I discovered that a woman,
in that day and time,
could only get so far in the business world.
So I created the elusive millionaire eccentric who shunned the public eye.
But my uncle told me he knew Maxwell Thorn.
He said they went fishing together.
Well, your uncle did just what you seemed to have done.
He lied to impress his friends.
Oh, well, I might have implied that I met him.
This is very embarrassing.
But why all this?
For years, hiding behind the fictitious Maxwell Thorn
afforded me a unique opportunity in business.
People only knew me as his trusted personal secretary.
But lately, Mr. Thorn had become a burden and Leonard wanted to travel more.
So we decided to take Mr. Thorn to sea and leave him there.
But that still doesn't explain what I'm doing here.
Ah, yes. Before I got rid of Mr. Thorn,
there was some unfinished business that needed to be attended to.
A subsidiary of mine bought a small company and fired the engineer who started it.
-George tillman! -Yes, so I gave him back his company.
And Mr. Gilbert, who worked in one of my plants, contracted a serious disease.
I found him a specialist who could help him.
And you, Mr. McBride. I was shocked when you stole money from the company.
But I knew the good man was in there somewhere.
You had made a mistake and would realize it.
I brought you here to give you the opportunity
to do exactly what you did when you returned the money.
-You gave the money back? -Yes, proving he was the man I always knew he was.
I'm sorry. I still don't understand why I'm here. I never knew Maxwell Thorn.
I brought you on this ship to try to repair the relationship you once had with Sarah York.
I used a business deal as bait to get Sarah and her mother to come on this cruise.
You took the wall out of our cabin?
I'm good with my hands. More coffee anyone?
Oh, Leonard. Such a good actor. He loves the intrigue.
It was thrilling seeing the two of you get back together.
The elevator, the note?
Well, I used to work for the government.
Of course, I suppose the secretary would disavow any knowledge of my actions.
And Leonard even managed to tape the encounter with Jessica York.
Sarah has the tape. I think she has been greatly enlightened.
But how in the world did you know about all this?
We have a daughter who led a wayward youth.
You met her once in a hotel room.
Her name is chastity.
Excuse me.
Who's chastity? What hotel room? What are we talking about here?
Ace, please, be quiet. Well, I'm glad this is finally cleared up.
Please feel free to go about your business.
Thank you, captain.
Thank you.
Thank you, captain.
Thank you. Good night.
Purser Evans, we need to talk.
We need to define the duties of the ship's purser.
Yes, sir. But remember, I was very close.
[Knocking]
Hi, may I come in?
Sure, Allan.
Allan, I want you to know that I believe you now.
I realize that my mother has caused us an awful lot of trouble.
What do you say we don't talk about the past?
-It worked last time. -I'll go along with that.
[Loud clattering]
What's that?
I don't know.
There shouldn't be any icebergs in this part of the pacific.
-Mrs. Culver! -Good evening.
I'm telling you this is against ship policy.
Are you sure we're not gonna get in any trouble?
Young people today need all the help they can get.
Emily, how long are you going to stay mad at me?
I'm not mad at you.
Well, I have something I think might cheer you up.
Captain, we have something for Emily.
What? What is this?
Well, read it.
[Emily] "Emily stubing, special events director"!
It's your new job. I arranged it with the line.
Welcome to the crew. You're very popular. The talent show was a big hit!
Yeah. And the chef was wondering if you could plan some more special buffets.
Say, why don't we all go down to the crew lounge
-and have a party! -[All] Yeah!
Now, you're not just the captain's wife,
you're a member of the crew!
I'd better get to work.
I am so happy!
That makes two of us.
[Theme music playing]