[ Crowd Roaring ]
GO ON, STJEPAN! GO ON, MY BOY!
WATCH YOUR BROTHER. THE GREATEST SOCCER HERO IN ALL OF YUGOSLAVIA.
YOU WATCH, YOU LEARN! I'M TRYING, PAPA.
[ Crowd Cheering Wildly ]
[ Crowd ] GOAL! GOAL! GOAL!
AAH!
[ Goats Bleating ]
AWW.
WATCH THIS, GUS.
- OHH! - ANDY! ANDY!
ANDY! ANDY!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
GIVE ME YOUR HAND, SON.
[ Grunts ] [ Sighs ]
[ Coughs ] [ Sighs ]
SEE, MAMA? NOW WE HAVE TWO HEROES.
ONE SOCCER HERO AND ONE DEEP-SEA DIVER. BAH!
ANDY. OH, BE A GOOD BOY.
STAY WITH BUTTERFLY COLLECTION, HUH?
[ Cries ] [ Coughs ]
AH, I GIVE UP.
I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE A SOCCER BALL AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE.
[ Whinnies ]
[ Ball Whistling ]
GUS? COULD YOU DO THAT AGAIN?
[ Neighs ]
READY, GUS. OICH!
[ Ball Whistling ]
MY FATHER GETS THE PAPER FROM YUGOSLAVIA. I THOUGHT THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY.
YEAH. YEAH. THANKS, DEBBIE, BUT EVEN IF I WAS YUGOSLAVIAN,
I'D HAVE TROUBLE LAUGHING THESE DAYS.
BUT A MULE THAT KICKS 100-YARD SOCCER GOALS IS KINDA TERRIFIC, DON'T YOU THINK?
YEAH. ESPECIALLY SINCE WE GOT NOBODY THAT CAN KICK ANY KIND OF BALL FIVE YARDS.
[ Door Closes ]
THIS IS MONAGHAN, MR. COOPER, AGAINST THE PACKERS. [ Sniffs ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
THAT ONE COST US A 15-YARD PENALTY, IF I REMEMBER.
YEAH. THAT WAS THE SMALLEST LOSS WE HAD ALL DAY.
[ Crowd Booing ]
[ Grunts, Groans ]
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT MONAGHAN, MR. COOPER?
TRADE HIM TO THE PACKERS. THEY OUGHTA LOVE HIM.
HE PLAYED A BETTER GAME FOR THEM THAN HE DID FOR US.
[ Laughs ] YES, SIR.
OH, UH, THIS IS LINDSTROM, AGAINST THE RAMS.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
WHAT WAS HE DOIN'? WAVIN' TO HIS GIRLFRIEND IN THE STANDS?
WELL, I DON'T THINK SO, MR. COOPER. UH, LINDSTROM'S MARRIED.
MM. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY HE'S ASKING FOR MORE MONEY.
WHAT? HE MUST BE OUT OF HIS HEAD.
AND THAT WAS THE BLOW THAT DID IT.
UH, THIS IS ZEBROWSKI, MR. COOPER.
WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT ZEBROWSKI, MR. COOPER?
- TRY THE FALCONS. - UH, THEY DON'T WANT HIM.
UH, I DON'T THINK WE GOT ANYBODY THEY WANT.
COACH, WE GOT NOBODY WE WANT.
[ Laughs ]
UH, HERE'S, UH, VANOWEN, MR. COOPER. [ Laughs ]
[ Cooper ] HE'S THE ONLY BRIGHT SPOT IN OUR ENTIRE OFFENSE.
[ Crowd Cheers ]
WELL, I WAS THINKING, MAYBE IF, UH,
THE OTHER PLAYERS PROMISE NOT TO CONGRATULATE SO HARD,
WE COULD COAX HIM OUT OF RETIREMENT?
[ Projector Clicks ] [ Cooper ] DEBBIE? WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?
I BROUGHT YOUR ASPIRIN, MR. COOPER. OH, GOOD.
YOU'VE SEEN THESE FILM CLIPS, HAVEN'T YOU?
MR. COOPER, I SAW ALL THE GAMES.
MM-HMM. [ Swallows, Exhales ]
ALL RIGHT, OUTSIDE OF ROB CARGIL AT MIDDLE LINEBACKER, WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
OH, WE GOT A PRETTY GOOD DEFENSE, MR. COOPER.
OUR BOYS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO HIT A FEW PEOPLE. [ Sniffs, Laughs ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Crowd Booing ]
IF WE CAN ONLY TEACH 'EM WHICH TEAM TO HIT--
* [ "Washington Post March" ]
MEN, WE'RE COMIN' OFF A TOUGH SEASON,
BUT THIS YEAR'S GONNA BE A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME.
NOW, AS WE OPEN TRAINING CAMP,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE SOME OF MY NEW COACHES-- SOME OF MY ASSISTANTS.
NOW, WITH THE HELP OF THESE MEN,
I'M GONNA TURN THE CALIFORNIA ATOMS INTO A SOLID BALL TEAM.
I SEE YA GOT THE SAME OLD FACES BEHIND THOSE BATONS.
WELL, A LOT OF THOSE ATOMETTES HAVE BEEN WITH THE ORGANIZATION A FEW YEARS, MR. COOPER.
IT'S PRETTY TOUGH TO JUST, YOU KNOW, LET 'EM GO.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE GETTIN' SO CLOSE TO THEIR PENSIONS.
[ Laughs ] BUT LISTEN TO THIS.
I'VE BEEN GIVING IT A LOT OF THOUGHT, AND I HAVE COME UP WITH A CLEVER NEW IDEA.
YOU'RE REDECORATIN' THEIR WHEELCHAIRS.
NO. NO, NO, NO, LISTEN.
STARTING THIS FALL, FOR ALL ATOMETTES,
IF YOU'RE TEN YEARS MARRIED OR GOT THREE KIDS, YOU'RE OUT.
* [ "Washington Post March" Continues ]
ONE THING, THIS BAND SOUNDS BETTER THAN THE ONE LAST YEAR.
IT CERTAINLY DOES.
*
[ Yelling, Crying ]
* [ Music Continues ]
[ Needle Scrapes, Music Stops ]
ONE THING I THOUGHT I COULD COUNT ON WAS A DECENT HALFTIME SHOW...
THAT WOULD PULL IN A FEW PEOPLE.
WHEN A MAN'S RELATIVES STOP ASKING FOR FREE PASSES, HE'S IN TROUBLE.
BUT I GOT LOTS MORE TALENT FOR YOU TO SEE, MR. COOPER. WAIT'LL YOU SEE THIS.
- UH, ELIZABETH? - ONE, TWO! ONE, TWO!
ELIZABETH? YEAH?
DO SOME OF THOSE WONDERFUL LITTLE FLIP-FLOPS FOR MR. COOPER.
OH, SURE, MR. BARNSDALE.
[ Band Laughing ]
VERY NICE, ELIZABETH. VERY NICE.
THAT SHOULD BRING IN A FEW PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY DOCTORS.
I GOT SOME OTHER GREAT IDEAS, MR. COOPER. I SAW THIS ACT ON TV.
THIS ELEPHANT ACTUALLY TWIRLS A BATON WITH ITS TRUNK.
NOW I FIGURE WE JUST DRESS HIM UP LIKE-- JOE, IF I WANTED AN ANIMAL ACT,
I'D GET THAT YUGOSLAVIAN MULE WHO KICKS 100-YARD SOCCER GOALS.
OH, YEAH. DEBBIE SHOWED ME THAT STORY. EVEN I'D PAY TO SEE THAT, I THINK.
MIGHT BE WORTH A LOOK, IF IT'S FOR REAL.
ALL IT TAKES IS A ROUND-TRIP TICKET TO YUGOSLAVIA FOR ME TO FIND OUT.
NO, NO. TAKES MORE THAN THAT. TAKES SOMEONE TO LOAN ME THE MONEY TO BUY YOU THE TICKET.
COACH LOOMIS: LINEMAN'S CALISTHENICS.
COACH MEADOWS: BLACKBOARD DRILL.
COACH BRODY: POSTGAME FILMS.
ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THAT ABOUT COVERS IT FOR THE COACHES.
- NOW, HOW MANY PLAYERS WE GOT HERE? - NONE.
- NONE? - THEY'RE NOT DUE TILL TOMORROW.
OH, WELL, THEN WE'LL JUST, UH--
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO TO WORK, MEN.
UNBELIEVABLE. UN-BE-LIEV-ABLE!
THAT'S RIGHT, OPERATOR. TO THOUSAND OAKS, CALIFORNIA.
THE MESSAGE READS, "MULE FOR REAL. NEVER MISSES AT 100 YARDS."
UH, OPERATOR? "SOMETIMES MISSES AT 110."
- HOO-HOO-HOO! - WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK, MR. COOPER?
IT MIGHT JUST BE AN EXPENSIVE BOMB. I'M NOT SURE I'M THAT DESPERATE.
MR. COOPER?
I THINK WE'VE GOT IT. AAH! AAH!
WIRE JOE. SIGN THAT MULE.
[ Sighs ] DO YOU WANT THAT CARD, ROB?
[ Rings ]
HELLO? OH, HI, MR. COOPER.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BABY-SIT A YUGOSLAVIAN MULE AND HIS TRAINER?
THEY SIGNED! GOT HIS HOOFPRINT RIGHT ON THE DOTTED LINE.
THEY SIGNED THE MULE FOR THE HALFTIME SHOW.
OH, BOY, THE FANS'LL SURE GET A KICK OUT OF THAT. [ Laughs ]
BUT I GOTTA ASK YA A FAVOR, DEBBIE.
SINCE THE TRAINER'S YUGOSLAVIAN, AND YOU'RE YUGOSLAVIAN--
WELL, MY PARENTS ARE-- CLOSE ENOUGH.
I'M PUTTIN' YOU ON DETACHED DUTY AND ASSIGNING YOU TO THIS KID, ANDY, FOR A WEEK OR SO...
TO KEEP HIM FROM GETTIN' HOMESICK.
WELL, I HAVEN'T DONE ANY FOLK DANCING,
BUT I'LL DO MY BEST TO MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME. OKAY?
- BYE. - BYE.
WHAT ARE YOU PROMISIN', ANYWAY? ARE WE GOIN' TOGETHER OR NOT?
WELL, IT'S ONLY FOR A WEEK OR SO. MR. COOPER'S ORDERS.
[ P.A. Announcer ] ALL INCOMING PASSENGERS FROM TRANS WORLD AIRLINES FLIGHT702,
PLEASE CLAIM YOUR BAGGAGE AT THE STREET ENTRANCE.
- ANDY? - YES, ANDY.
- DEBBIE! - UH, GUS.
UH, WELL, I'LL SEE YA IN A MINUTE.
[ Coaches Shouting ] COME ON. LET'S GO. TUCK IN THAT BALL.
FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT BALL. WAY TO GO!
INTRODUCING THE GREATEST HALFTIME ACT IN ALL OF PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL,
DIRECT FROM YUGOSLAVIA.
HEY, ROB. THROW ANDY A BALL.
YES, SIR, MR. COOPER.
HERE YOU GO, KID.
- [ Groaning ] - WELCOME TO THE NFL.
YOU OKAY, KID? O-OH, Y-YES, SIR.
M-MY BROTHER DOES IT A-ALL THE TIME.
OKAY. NOW, I WANT YOU TO SEE THAT MULE KICK THIS BALL.
UH, MR. COOPER? HMM?
- GUS HAS NEVER KICKED A BALL LIKE THIS BEFORE. - CAN'T YOU GET HIM TO TRY?
FOR THE KIND OF MONEY I LAID OUT, I'M AT LEAST ENTITLED TO SEE HIM MISS.
GO AHEAD, ANDY. JUST TRY IT.
[ Sighs ]
GO ON.
[ Coaches Chattering ]
WITH YOUR FINGER. HOLD IT WITH YOUR FINGER, KID.
[ Cooper ] THERE. OKAY.
- NOW, HOW DO YOU GET HIM TO KICK? - I USUALLY JUST YELL, "OICH."
[ Whistling ]
AH-HA-HA!
RIGHT. IF THAT'S NO FLUKE, YOU MIGHT HAVE COME UP WITH A WINNER, HANK.
YEAH. A HALFTIME SHOW THAT'LL LET THE ATOMS FANS FORGET ABOUT THE TEAM.
WELL, SO FAR, IN THEIR OPENING EXHIBITION GAME,
THE ATOMS HAVEN'T DISAPPOINTED US A BIT, FOLKS.
TWENTY SECONDS TO GO IN THE FIRST HALF.
IT'S THE CLEVELAND BROWNS 27, THE CALIFORNIA ATOMS 0.
MANDERS IN KICK FORMATION FOR CLEVELAND. HE STANDS ON HIS OWN 30.
THERE'S THE SNAP. IT'S-- OH, IT'S OVER HIS HEAD!
IT'S TRICKLING BACK TO THE 25, THE 20, THE 15!
A SCRAMBLE FOR THE BALL-- AND ROB CARGIL HAS IT FOR THE ATOMS!
THAT'S THE WAY YOU DO IT! THAT'S THE WAY.
FIELD GOAL TEAM, FIELD GOAL TEAM. EVERYONE, OUT OF THE WAY!
UH-- WAY TO GO, BIG FELLA! NICE GOIN'!
OKAY. GARCIA, WHY AREN'T YOU IN UNIFORM?
OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU'RE ONE OF THE COACHES. OKAY, O'BRIEN! O'BRIEN!
WHERE'S MY PLACEKICKER? HE JUST WENT OUT TO KICK A FIELD GOAL, COACH.
OH. YEAH. GOOD. THANKS. OKAY.
THIS WILL BE THE ATOMS' FIRST SCORE OF THE BALL GAME.
LET'S SEE. IT'S, UH, O'BRIEN. O'BRIEN LINES UP FOR WHAT SHOULD BE AN EASY THREE POINTS.
- [ Whistling ] - [ Crowd Laughing ]
[ Announcer ] NOW, FOLKS, THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
YOU'VE READ ABOUT THEM IN THE PAPERS. NOW YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THEM IN PERSON.
HERE THEY ARE, DIRECT FROM YUGOSLAVIA, ANDY...
AND HIS MIRACLE MULE, GUS!
* [ Fanfare ]
[ Announcer ] I'LL SAY THIS, FOLKS. IF ANDY AND HIS FRIEND GUS...
ARE HALF AS GOOD AS THEIR PRESS NOTICES,
THE FANS HERE WILL GET A LOT MORE TO CHEER ABOUT THAN THEY DID IN THAT FIRST HALF!
S-SO MANY PEOPLE. I DON'T THINK I CAN GO THROUGH WITH THIS.
[ Crowd Groaning ]
WHAT'S HE DOIN' TO ME? IT'S THE CROWD, MR. COOPER. I THINK HE'S FRIGHTENED.
WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HIM, I'LL GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO BE FRIGHTENED ABOUT.
DAH! [ Crowd Booing ]
CAN WE HELP YOU, MR. COOPER? YEAH, GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING.
THE PYRAMID? YEAH, THE LEANING TOWER, ANYTHING. GO ON, GO ON!
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. FORM IT UP.
AND, UH, ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO--
[ Braying ]
MR. COOPER! THEY'RE COMING BACK!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
WELL, AT LEAST THE CROWD'S LAUGHING, MR. COOPER.
THEY'RE GONNA LAUGH ME RIGHT INTO BANKRUPTCY.
[ Drumroll ]
NOW, REMEMBER, GIRLS. THIS ONE'S FOR MR. COOPER.
YEAH, FOR MR. COOPER. [ Grunting, Groaning ]
IT'S ALL RIGHT, GUS. I FEEL BETTER NOW. THANKS.
[ Screaming ]
- READY, GUS? - [ Brays ]
- OICH! - [ Whistling ]
TA-DA!
- OH! OH! - [ Crowd Applauds ]
- GREAT! - [ Shrieking ]
[ Screaming, Laughter ]
WELL, THERE'S A NEW WRINKLE IN ATOMLAND. NOT THE ATOMS.
THEY HAVE THE SAME OLD ONES, AND THE OLD WRINKLES LOST TO THE BROWNS 41 TO ZIP TONIGHT.
BUT THAT HALFTIME SHOW, WITH ANDY AND THE MULE GUS, THAT WAS SOMETHING ELSE AGAIN.
AFTER A SHAKY START, THE FOUR-LEGGED ATOM PUT THREE 100-YARD KICKS...
STRAIGHT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS.
HANK COOPER MAY HAVE FOUND HIMSELF A REAL DRAWING CARD.
QUESTION IS, WILL IT BE ENOUGH TO PULL THE EX-GARBAGE KING OUT OF THE DUMPS?
FINANCIAL, THAT IS. THIS SPORTSCASTER DOESN'T THINK SO.
- CIGAR, CHARLIE? - HANK, WHENEVER YOU OFFER ME A CIGAR,
OLD FRIENDS START TO BECOME CUNNING ENEMIES.
CHARLIE, CHARLIE, CHARLIE!
HOW LONG WE BEEN PLAYIN' POKER TOGETHER?
TWENTY YEARS? TWENTY-FIVE? SURE, THAT'S HOW I GOT TALKED INTO THE NOTE.
WELL, WHAT I'M GETTIN' AT, CHARLIE, IS THIS.
YOU'RE A MAN WHO LIKES TO TAKE A CHANCE, AND I THINK I GOT A DEAL FOR YA.
- LIKE WHAT? - LIKE, SAY, WE MAKE A BET.
LIKE, SAY, IF I WIN, I KEEP THE CLUB.
IF I LOSE, YOU BUY IT-- AT YOUR PRICE.
WELL, NOW, THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING. WHAT'S YOUR WAGER?
[ Puffing ] I SAY... THE ATOMS...
WIN... HALF THEIR BALL GAMES.
WHA-- SEVEN GAMES?
- [ Guffaws ] - [ Guffaws ]
TH-THAT'S MORE THAN THEY WON IN THE LAST TEN YEARS PUT TOGETHER.
- NOT A BAD BET, HUH? - YE-- WELL, NOW WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT'S THE CATCH?
- NO CATCH. - WHAT ARE YOU, SOME SORT OF A NUT?
CHARLIE, I'M UP THE CREEK.
FLAT. ZIPPO.
HOW 'BOUT IT? IS IT A BET?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, HANK. HUH?
I GOT A BETTER BET FOR YA.
WHAT'S THAT? ANY TEAM THAT CAN GO FROM ZERO TO SEVEN WINS...
CAN GO FROM ZERO TO THE SUPER BOWL.
THE SUPER BOWL? THE BET WAS YOUR IDEA, HANK.
IF YOU WANNA HANG ON TO YOUR TEAM--
- THE SUPER BOWL? - I'LL REFINANCE YOU FOR ONE YEAR.
YOU HAVE TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL AND WIN IT OR YOU LOSE THE TEAM.
CH-CHARLIE, I WANNA HANG ON TO THAT TEAM, BUT YOU'RE DIGGIN' MY GRAVE.
HANK. WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
HI, ANDY. HOW DO YOU LIKE LUKOM'S RANCH?
VERY MUCH. IT REMINDS ME OF HOME.
WELL, A LETTER FROM YUGOSLAVIA CAME TO THE OFFICE.
MY FAMILY! MAYBE PAPA GOT THE CLIPPING.
OH, BOY, I BET THEY'RE PROUD OF YOU.
OH, COULD I HAVE THE STAMP? SURE.
BAD NEWS? GOOD NEWS, ABOUT MY BROTHER, STJEPAN,
AND PAPA SAYS THAT HE PLAYED BRILLIANTLY AGAINST BRAZIL.
STJEPAN KICKED FOUR GOALS AND WON THE GAME SINGLE-HANDED.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT WH-- WHERE DOES IT MENTION YOU?
IN THE P.S.
"WE RECEIVED YOUR NEWSPAPER CLIPPING BUT COULD NOT READ IT...
"BECAUSE OF THE CAVIAR THAT WAS SPILLED ON IT...
DURING STJEPAN'S VICTORY CELEBRATION."
[ Andy ] SAME OLD PAPA.
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING I COULD DO?
HOW ABOUT WRITING YOU A CHEERFUL LETTER?
OR MAYBE GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH ME TONIGHT?
OHH. I MADE A DATE WITH ROB.
- OH. - YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM VERY MUCH LATELY,
AND I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW I COULD BREAK IT.
- YEAH. I UNDERSTAND. - OTHERWISE I'D LOVE TO.
[ Andy ] YEAH. [ Groans ]
- GUS! WHAT IS IT? - [ Groaning ]
I'LL CALL THE VET AND CANCEL THE DATE WITH ROB.
OH, NO, NO. YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
DON'T BE SILLY. IF GUS IS SICK, I WANT TO BE HERE.
- IT'S OKAY. YOU'LL BE OKAY. - [ Groaning Continues ]
I'D LIKE TO SAY I CURED HIM,
BUT THIS MULE'S HEALTHY AS A HORSE.
I'LL SEE YOU FOLKS.
IT WAS LIKE A MIRACLE THAT HE RECOVERED.
YES. [ Laughs ]
YOU KNOW, IN MY COUNTRY, WHEN A DINNER DATE IS CANCELED, IT'S CANCELED.
I THINK I LIKE YOUR CUSTOMS.
AND YOUR MIRACLES.
[ Laughing ] [ Laughing ]
I DON'T BELIEVE IT. THAT DEBBIE STOOD ME UP FOR TWO HOURS IN FRONT OF A CHINESE RESTAURANT.
AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHINESE FOOD!
HEY, SHE CALLED AND ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU A MESSAGE, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE YOU'D GONE.
SAID SOMETHING ABOUT GUS THE MULE BEING SICK AND HER TAKING CARE OF HIM.
GUS THE MULE? I GOT THAT YUGOSLAV COMIN' OUTTA MY EARS.
HELLO. IS DEBBIE THERE?
- NO, SHE ISN'T. - WHERE IS SHE? OUT BACK WITH THE MULE?
NO, SHE'S OUT WITH ANDY. LEFT FOR THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
- ANY MESSAGE? - YEAH, BUT I'LL DELIVER IT MYSELF.
[ Tires Squealing ]
DEBBIE? DEBBIE, WOULD YOU MIND STEPPIN' OUT?
DEBBIE, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.
ALL RIGHT, IF YOU WON'T COME OUT, THEN I'M COMIN' IN. AAH.
I THOUGHT WE HAD A DA-- I-- SORRY.
I AM REALLY SORRY.
OH, BOY, AM I SORRY.
* OH, SAY, DOES THAT
* STAR-SPANGLED BANNER
* YET WAVE
* O'ER THE LAND OF THE FREE
* AND THE HOME OF THE BRAVE
[ Applause ]
IT'S THE HOME OF THE BRAVE, ALL RIGHT. CAN'T BE MORE THAN A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT.
WELL, WE SAW WHAT THE FANS THOUGHT OF THE MULE.
NOW I GUESS WE'RE SEEING WHAT THEY THINK OF THE TEAM.
THIS IS JOHNNY UNITAS, AND HERE'S MY GOOD FRIEND AND COHORT--
WELL, HOWDY THERE, FOOTBALL FANS. YOU, TOO, MOTHER.
PEPPER ALLEN HERE. JUST DOWN ON THE FIELD COLLECTING SOME STATS.
AND IT'S JUST ABOUT KICKOFF TIME.
TIME TO WELCOME THE OLD PEPPER POT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOMS...
FOR ANOTHER SEASON OF GREAT, GREAT FOOTBALL ON FOOTBALL NIGHT OF THE WEEK.
WEEK AFTER WEEK, I'LL BE WITH YA, STEP BY STEP, NAME BY NAME, GAME BY GAME,
AND, OF COURSE, SITTIN' RIGHT HERE BESIDE ME, I'LL HAVE MY OLD BUDDY JOHNNY UNITAS.
HE'LL BE CARRYIN' THE BALL RIGHT ALONG WITH ME, RIGHT, JOHN? RIGHT.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, FANS. THE OLD PEPPER POT WILL BE RIGHT HERE TO FALL ON ANY FUMBLES.
[ Guffaws ] YEAH, WE'RE GONNA BE WATCHIN' A VERY INTERESTING TEAM HERE TONIGHT, FOLKS,
'CAUSE THIS ATOM BALL CLUB HAS NOWHERE TO GO BUT UP!
I MEAN, IT'S A TEAM THAT, DURING THE ENTIRE EXHIBITION SEASON, THEY DIDN'T WIN A SINGLE GAME!
STRIKE THAT! THEY DIDN'T SCORE A SINGLE TOUCHDOWN.
STRIKE THAT! COULDN'T BUY A SINGLE POINT.
AND IF YOU CAN'T GO UP FROM THERE, FOOTBALL FANS, I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU CAN GO UP FROM.
RIGHT, JOHNNY? RIGHT.
HEY, HAVE WE GOT SOME INTERESTING MATCH-UPS FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF PEPPER'S PROFILES, I'M GONNA GIVE YOU AN INSIGHT...
ON SOME OF THE PLAYERS WHO'LL BE MAKIN' IT HAPPEN RIGHT DOWN THERE ON THE FIELD.
WOULD YOU ROLL THAT FILM, PLEASE, BACK THERE?
EXCUSE ME, PEPPER. THEY'RE ABOUT TO KICK OFF.
WHO? OH!
THE GREEN BAY PACKERS, FOLKS. THEY'RE LINING UP.
AND WE'RE READY TO GO.
[ Whistle, Drumroll, Crowd Shouting ]
ROY REALLY GOT HIS TOE INTO THAT ONE. RIGHT IN AND OUT OF THE END ZONE.
YEAH! THE ATOMS GET THE FIRST BREAK OF THE BALL GAME.
THEY DON'T HAVE TO RUN IT BACK! [ Laughing ]
ALL RIGHT, OFFENSE! OFFENSE! GET IN THERE AND STICK IT TO 'EM!
YEAH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A JOHNNY UNITAS TO KNOW THAT THE ONLY CHANCE THOSE ATOMS HAVE...
IS TO PASS THAT BALL, RIGHT, JOHNNY?
RIGHT. TAKE IT FROM THE OLD PEPPER.
NOW, IF I WERE THAT QUARTERBACK, I-I'D COME RIGHT OUT THROWIN'!
THROW, THROW, THROW!
FOUR! 68! HUT! [ Players Grunt, Referee Blows Whistle ]
THEY CAME OUT THROWING, ALL RIGHT.
THEY GOT THROWN BACK FOR FOUR YARDS, MAKING IT SECOND AND 14.
GET SET! 53! 41! HUT!
[ Grunts, Groans ]
[ Crowd Groaning ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Crowd Booing, Heckling ]
ELLIS IS DROPPING BACK. LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE TAKING YOUR ADVICE, PEPPER. THEY'RE GONNA PASS.
[ Players ] OH, NO!
- [ Crowd Applauds ] - WELL, IT'S FOURTH DOWN AND 18. I GUESS WE BETTER PUNT.
HOLD IT! UH, YOU DON'T WANT TO PUNT, MR. COOPER?
WE'RE GOING FOR THE FIELD GOAL, COACH. FROM OUR OWN 12 YARD LINE?
IF O'BRIEN TURNED AROUND AND KICKED THE OTHER WAY, HE COULDN'T MAKE A FIELD GOAL.
IT'S A FIELD GOAL, COACH.
- YEAH, BUT WHA-- - [ Mule Snorts ]
[ Crowd Laughs ]
UH-OH. A LITTLE CONFUSION DOWN THERE.
THE MULE HAS ROMPED ONTO THE FIELD.
[ Whistle Blowing ]
YOU'RE GONNA DO WHAT?
MR. COOPER'S ORDERS. SOMEONE THROWS ME THE BALL, AND I HOLD IT.
THEN GUS KICKS IT, AND THEN WE SCORE A TOUCHDOWN.
NOT A TOUCHDOWN, YOU YUGOSLAVIAN MIDGET. A FIELD GOAL. THREE POINTS?
IF THEY'RE CRAZY ENOUGH TO LET US GET AWAY WITH IT.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET THAT MULE OFF THE FIELD, MR. COOPER,
UNLESS YOU WANNA FORFEIT THE GAME.
OH, NO, WE DON'T WANT TO FORFEIT THE GAME, DO WE, MR. COOPER?
WE'RE NOT FORFEITING ANYTHING.
THE MULE STAYS IN, AND HE KICKS.
THERE'S NO WAY THEY'RE GONNA LET THAT MULE KICK.
THE REFEREE IS TALKING TO SOMEONE ON THE FIELD PHONE, PEPPER.
JOHNNY, PLEASE, STICK WITH THE MONEY, JOHN. WAS THE OLD PEPPER POT EVER WRONG?
TAKE IT FROM ME. IF THE ATOMS THINK THEY'RE GOING TO LET THAT MULE KICK,
IT'S PIE IN THE SKY, AND I NEVER LIE!
HEH-HEH, THERE'S JUST NO WAY!
HOW 'BOUT THIS WAY-- THERE'S NO WAY!
[ Public Address ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO READ A BULLETIN.
ACCORDING TO THE OFFICIAL RULES OF THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE,
RULE 5, SECTION 1,
THE GAME IS TO BE PLAYED BY TWO TEAMS OF 11 PLAYERS EACH.
THE RULE BOOK DOES NOT DEFINE THE WORD "PLAYER."
THEREFORE, A PLAYER COULD BE A MAN, A WOMAN...
OR ANYONE A TEAM CHOOSES TO REPRESENT THEM ON THE FIELD.
AND SO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MULE "GUS" WILL BE ALLOWED TO PLAY.
AND AS YOU SAY, PEPPER, "THERE'S NO WAY."
[ Cheering ]
[ Braying ]
[ Grunting ] OICH!
[ Whistling ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Cheering ] * [ Band Playing ]
HANK, THAT MULE WAS A CHEAP TRICK.
WHAT TRICK? YOU SHOVED AN IMPOSSIBLE BET UP MY ARMPIT.
- I STUCK YOU WITH A MULE. - WELL, YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT, HANK.
YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO MAKE A LITTLE BET ON THAT, TOO, WOULD YOU, CHARLIE?
ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL EVENING HERE IN ADAMS STADIUM AND ANOTHER CAPACITY CROWD.
THE FANS IN THESE PARTS HAVE GONE BANANAS.
FOUR WEEKS INTO THE SEASON, AND WHO IS UNDEFEATED,
AND WHO'S IN A TIE FOR FIRST PLACE IN THE WESTERN DIVISION?
YES, SIR, OUR OWN ASTOUNDING CALIFORNIA ATOMS.
NOW LET'S GO DOWN TO THE FIELD FOR THE INTRODUCTIONS.
[ Drumroll ] AT 229, NUMBER 50,
FRED STILLWELL.
* [ Fanfare ] AT 235, NUMBER 61,
MARVIN SCHNALL.
* [ Fanfare ] AT 250, NUMBER 57,
ROB CARGIL. * [ Fanfare ]
AND WEIGHING IN AT 1,374 POUNDS,
NUMBER DOUBLE ZERO, GUS PETROVIC.
* [ Fanfare ] [ Crowd Cheering ]
* [ Band Playing ]
ALL RIGHT, MEN, THIS IS ANOTHER TOUGH ONE.
I WANT YOU TO GET OUT THERE AND STICK IT RIGHT TO 'EM.
THIS IS A 40-MAN TEAM, AND I WANT A 40-MAN EFFORT.
ARE YOU WITH ME? [ Team ] YEAH!
[ Braying ]
HERE COMES THE ATOMS' THIRD-DOWN PLAY.
ELLIS IS BACK TO PASS. RECEIVERS ARE WELL-COVERED. HE LOOKS, HE LOOKS--
OH, HE'S SMOTHERED. IT'S ANOTHER BIG LOSS,
AND LISTEN TO THOSE ATOMS FANS CHEER!
NEVER HEARD A TEAM CHEERED FOR LOSING GROUND BEFORE,
BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BE HEARING IT ALL EVENING, FOLKS,
'CAUSE WITH FOURTH AND 24 ON THEIR OWN NINE YARD LINE, HERE COMES THE REASON.
[ Drums Playing, Crowd Cheering ] GO GET 'EM, GUS!
READY, GUS?
OICH!
[ Ball Whistling ]
[ Cheering ] * [ Band Playing ]
*
[ Debbie ] THAT'S THE WAY TO GO, ANDY!
SAN FRANCISCO'S BALL, GOOD FIELD POSITION.
REMEMBER, TUCKER LIKES TO THROW THE BALL.
YES, HE'S BACK TO PASS. IT LOOKS. LIKE A SCREEN
AND CARGIL IS OVER FAST TO COVER.
[ Grunts ] [ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Crowd Booing ]
KID. KID! SAY SOMETHIN'.
I DID IT ALL FOR YOU, PAPA.
* [ Drumbeat ]
[ Brays ] [ Crowd Cheers ]
HERE COMES GUS TROTTING OUT ON THE FIELD ONCE AGAIN.
THE QUESTION NOW IS, WHO IS GOING TO HOLD FOR HIM?
I HAVE SEEN EVERYTHING.
I'VE SEEN MANY PLAYERS CARRIED OFF THE FIELD ON STRETCHERS, FOLKS,
BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Whispers ] OICH.
[ Whistling ]
* [ Band Playing ]
[ Cheering ]
CARGIL! CARGIL!
CARGIL!
YOU-- YOU'RE TRYING TO RUIN ME.
I SAW WHAT HAPPENED! IT WAS A DELIBERATE HIT.
MR. COOPER, I'M TELLIN' YA. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
THEN IT'S A $1,000 ACCIDENT, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT'S COSTIN' YA.
ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
AND A NEW SUIT!
AND A BOX OF CIGARS!
DON'T WORRY. CAL, THEY'VE WON FOUR IN A ROW.
THEY'RE TIED FOR FIRST PLACE! RELAX, WILL YOU?
WHAT CHANCE HAVE THEY GOT TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL ANYWAY?
[ Snorts ] WHAT CHANCE? WITH THAT FOUR-LEGGED GEORGE BLANDA KICKING FIELD GOALS,
IT IS A DEFINITE POSSIBILITY!
ALL RIGHT. SO WHAT WE NEED IS AN EDGE.
YOU GOT SOMETHIN' IN MIND?
I'LL WORK ON IT.
SPINNER, CRANKCASE, I'VE SPENT TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE OBSERVING YOU TWO MEN.
I'VE SEEN YOU COME IN TOGETHER AND GO OUT TOGETHER.
I'VE SEEN YOU COME BACK IN TOGETHER AND GO BACK OUT TOGETHER,
AND I'VE SEEN YOU COME BACK IN--
YEAH, YEAH, WARDEN. WE KNOW.
YOU SEEN US COME IN TOGETHER, AND YOU SEEN US GO BACK OUT TOGETHER.
FOR THE LAST TIME! WE'RE SPLITTIN' UP.
WELL, I'M DELIGHTED.
THEN I WISH YOU GENTLEMEN BOTH A HAPPIER AND HEALTHIER TOMORROW.
THANK YOU, WARDEN. GOOD LUCK.
[ Car Passing ]
[ Brakes Squeal ]
SLAYKO, LESTER SLAYKO. SPORTS COLUMNIST FOR UNITED PRESS INTERNATIONAL, MR. LUKOM?
WE THOUGHT THERE'D BE A NICE, WARM HUMAN INTEREST STORY...
ABOUT THE RANCH WHERE GUS THE MULE IS STAYING.
AND OF COURSE ABOUT THE MAN WHO BOARDS HIM. [ Chuckles ]
OH, GOOD, GOOD. WELL, NOW, WOULD YOU MIND IF I ASKED YOU A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS?
OH, GOOD, GOOD. NOW, I GATHER THAT GUS SLEEPS IN A BARN. HMM?
HIS OWN STALL? WITH SECURITY, I ASSUME?
NO SECURITY AS YET. UH-HUH.
NOW, DO YOU DRIVE HIM TO THE STADIUM BEFORE THE GAME?
GORDON HORSE VANS.
UH-HUH.
YEAH, NOW, TH-THAT'S, UH, G-O-R-D-O-N?
YEAH. [ Whispers ] CAPITAL G-O-R--
WOW. THAT'S THE FAMOUS MULE, HUH?
WELL, I HEARD A LOT ABOUT YA, ANDY--
OH, NO, I'M ANDY. THIS IS GUS.
OH. YE-- YAH, WELL-- OH, WELL, PARDON ME. I'M NOT TOO GOOD AT NAMES OR FACES.
HAVE YOU DRIVEN US BEFORE?
NO, I JUST GOT OUT. I MEAN, UH, TO THESE PARTS.
YEAH. NO.
WELL, Y-YOU DO KNOW THE WAY TO THE STADIUM. OH, SURE, SURE, SURE.
I'LL GET YOU THERE IN PLENTY OF TIME FOR THE GAME. YEAH. I KNOW A SHORTCUT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT. UH, WANNA LOAD HIM UP?
CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT. THAT SHORTCUT DISAPPEARED.
PERHAPS IF WE TOOK THE LONGCUT IT WOULDN'T USE SO MUCH GASOLINE.
OH, YOU'RE A WORRIER, KID.
BY GAME TIME, YOU AND I WILL BE THERE WATCHIN' THAT MULE IN ACTION.
UH, MR. COOPER? MR. LUKOM SAID THEY LEFT ABOUT THREE HOURS AGO.
BY DOG SLED? WELL, MAYBE THEY GOT CAUGHT IN A TRAFFIC JAM.
JOE, THEY COULD HAVE BEEN HERE THREE HOURS AGO IF GUS HAD RIDDEN IN ON ANDY.
YEAH, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE GAS, BUT I WAS RIGHT ABOUT THE MULE.
IT'S GAME TIME, AND WE'RE WATCHIN' HIM IN ACTION.
DID YA HEAR ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY, CHARLIE? YEAH, HANK.
IT'S A SHAME. MULE MISSED THE WHOLE GAME, HUH?
YEAH. YEAH! IT WAS THE DARNDEST THING!
SEEMS LIKE SOMEBODY SLIPPED IN A PHONY DRIVER.
OH, HANK, DELIBERATELY?
NOW, AREN'T YOU EXAGGERATING JUST A LITTLE BIT?
MAYBE I AM, CHARLIE, BUT I TELL YOU THIS:
IF IT HAPPENS AGAIN, WHOEVER DID IT IS GOING TO GET HIS TAIL FULL OF BUCKSHOT.
MEN, THIS IS A PROUD TEAM.
THIS SEASON, WE'VE WON FOUR TIMES TOGETHER.
NOW, LAST WEEK, WE WENT DOWN TOGETHER,
BUT THE MARK OF A GREAT TEAM IS WHETHER THEY CAN COME BACK TOGETHER!
[ Players ] YEAH! ALL RIGHT!
NOW, FIRST PLACE IS WAITIN' FOR US, MEN.
SO THIS WEEK, WE'RE GONNA GET OFF THE GROUND,
AND WE'RE GONNA GO OUT THERE AND WE'RE GONNA WIN TOGETHER!
ARE YOU WITH ME? [ Players Cheering ]
[ Andy ] OICH! [ Whistling ]
[ Crowd Cheers ] [ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Cheering, Noisemaker Blowing ]
LET'S COUNT OUR BLESSINGS.
IN A WORLD SAGGING UNDER THE BURDEN OF WAR, ENERGY CRISIS,
BIGOTRY, OVERPOPULATION, CRIME AND INFLATION,
IT'S A COMFORT TO HAVE ANDY AND GUS.
THE MULE IS A WINNER!
[ Chattering, Toasting ] HE'S SOMETHING WE NEED IN OUR DAILY LIFE.
IF HE HADN'T JUST HAPPENED, WE WOULD HAVE HAD TO INVENT HIM.
[ Baby Crying ] FOR MAN NEEDS HOPE...
AND THE ASSURANCE THAT SOMEHOW, SOME WAY,
THINGS ARE GOING TO WORK OUT FOR THE BETTER--
THAT WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE WINNERS!
AND IT'S TAKEN A SIMPLE MULE FROM YUGOSLAVIA...
TO MAKE THIS AMERICAN DREAM COME TRUE FOR THE CALIFORNIA ATOMS,
WHO ARE NOW TEN AND ONE AND TIED FOR FIRST PLACE IN THE WESTERN DIVISION.
AND HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO MEET THE YOUNG MAN WHO, WITH HIS MULE,
HAS HELPED BRING THE PEOPLES OF THESE TWO GREAT COUNTRIES,
AMERICA AND YUGOSLAVIA, TOGETHER?
OUR CANDIDATES FOR GOODWILL AMBASSADORS OF THE YEAR:
GUS AND HIS CO-HERO, ANDY PETROVIC. [ Whinnies ]
ANDY, YOU'VE CAPTURED THE HEART AND THE IMAGINATION...
OF ALL AMERICA.
I FEEL VERY PROUD.
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MR. HANK COOPER AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS HELPED ME,
AND MOST OF ALL, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK GUS.
ANDY, WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.
THROUGH THE MAGIC OF TELSTAR,
WE ARE GOING TO TAKE YOU BACK TO A SMALL FARM IN YUGOSLAVIA,
WHERE A PROUD FAMILY IS WAITING TO BE REUNITED WITH YOU.
COME IN, YUGOSLAVIA!
- ANDY! - MAMA! PAPA!
IT MUST MAKE YOU VERY PROUD TO HAVE A SON WHO'S A HERO LIKE ANDY, MR. PETROVIC.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT HERO?
THE MULE KICKS, AND ANDY HOLDS THE BALL.
A FINGER IS A HERO?
YOU WANT TO SEE A HERO?
I'LL SHOW YOU A HERO. HAH!
MY BROTHER, STJEPAN.
THE GREATEST SOCCER PLAYER IN ALL OF EUROPE.
FINE, BUT THIS IS A SALUTE TO ANDY AND-- AND GUS.
GOOD. WHILE YOU'RE SALUTING A FINGER,
MAYBE ALSO YOU SHOULD SALUTE A HERO!
[ Announcer ] UH, WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE VISIT, MR. AND MRS. PETROVIC.
WHAT SOCCER IS TO THE REST OF THE WORLD, FOOTBALL IS TO AMERICA.
AND WE CAN ALL PAY TRIBUTE TO THESE NEWLY CROWNED AMERICAN HEROES TOMORROW-- SUNDAY--
NOW OFFICIALLY CALLED "GUS DAY."
AND AS WE CHEER FOR GUS TOMORROW, WE'LL BE CHEERING...
FOR THE MULE IN ALL OF US.
A PRIVILEGE TO MEET YOU, INSPECTOR HENDERSON.
MAY I ASK THE REASON FOR THE VISIT?
JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOUR BOYS ARE ON THEIR TOES, THAT'S ALL.
WE PEMBERTONS ARE NEVER OFF THEM, SIR.
WE HAVE GUS SECURED IN HIS STABLE,
ALL READY FOR HIS BIG NIGHT TONIGHT.
WELL, THEN, CAPTAIN, PERHAPS YOU HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THAT, HUH?
HUH? HUH?
[ Whistle Blowing ] [ Captain ] MEN!
SHH!
[ Screaming ]
[ Whinnies ]
DRINK UP, GUS. TODAY'S YOUR DAY.
* [ Band Playing ]
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO THE BIGGEST CELEBRATION OF THE YEAR.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE WHOLE CITY HAS TURNED OUT TO HONOR ITS FAVORITE TWO CITIZENS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT. THIS STADIUM IS ROCKING WITH GUS FANS!
AND LET ME TELL YA. THE SPIRIT IS CATCHING, FOLKS.
AND I DO MEAN CATCHING.
WELL, THERE ARE DIGNITARIES FROM ALL OVER THE STATE.
THEY'VE COME HERE FOR THE PRE-GAME CEREMONY.
LET'S SEE. THERE'S THE HONORABLE MAYOR, TOM LANSING, AND HIS LOVELY WIFE, LORETTA,
AND REPRESENTATIVES OF BOY AND GIRL SCOUTS...
AND OUR OWN BEAUTEOUS ATOMETTES.
[ Crowd Cheering ]
LET'S SEE. THAT ROAR FROM THE CROWD CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING, FOLKS.
* [ Fanfare ] YES, HERE COMES ANDY AND GUS IN THEIR PROUDEST MOMENT.
[ Cheering ]
[ Hiccups ]
- [ Hiccups ] - [ Crowd Laughing ]
[ Hiccups ]
[ Crowd Laughing ]
COME ON, GUS. SHAPE UP.
[ Grunting ]
LET'S SEE. THE MAYOR IS NOW STEPPING FORWARD TO MAKE THE PRESENTATION.
[ Mule Braying, Mayor Shrieking ]
WHOA! HELP! SOMEONE, HELP!
- GUS! - WHA-- [ Gasping ] HELP! GET ME UP, SOMEBODY!
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!
[ Screaming ]
[ Laughing ]
- GUS! - STOP! STOP!
WHOA!
COME BACK, GUS!
[ Screaming ]
AAH!
WELL, WE'RE SET TO GO, FOLKS. THE EAGLES HAVE WON THE TOSS, AND GUS WILL KICK OFF...
AND IF GUS PLAYS WITH HALF THE SPIRIT HE'S SHOWN DURING THE PREGAME CEREMONIES,
WATCH OUT, EAGLES!
[ Drumroll ]
OICH!
- [ Pop ] - [ Braying ]
TSK. SHAME TO SEE YA DROP TO SECOND PLACE, HANK.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MULE? WAS HE SICK OR WHAT?
YOU KNOW DARN WELL WHAT HAPPENED.
WE RAN HIS OATS THROUGH A LAB AND MADE AN INTERESTING DISCOVERY.
HOW'D YA LIKE TO TRY A FEW OF THOSE OATS, CHARLIE?
OR DON'T YA DRINK BEFORE BREAKFAST?
WELL, ALL I KNOW IS I'VE GOT A FRIEND WHO HAS PROBLEMS,
SO I CAME HERE WITH AN OLIVE BRANCH.
WHADDYA GOT ON IT, ARSENIC?
HANK, I'M MEETING THE OTHER OFFERS FOR THE TEAM--
IF YOU SELL RIGHT NOW.
YOUR OFFER COULDN'T HAVE BEEN BETTER TIMED, CHARLIE.
- NOW I KNOW YOU'RE SWEATIN'. - HANK, YOU'RE PLAYING WITH A COLD DECK.
COME ON. HOW ABOUT IT?
SORRY, CHARLIE. THERE'S AN OLD YUGOSLAVIAN EXPRESSION.
NEVER SWITCH MULES IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHAVE.
WELL, THE ATOMS REALLY SHOWED 'EM HOW IT'S DONE HERE IN BUFFALO TODAY, FOLKS.
IT WAS GUS 30, THE BILLS 27.
THAT MOVES THE CALIFORNIA CLUB INTO A FIRST-PLACE TIE WITH THE RAMS, WHO LOST TODAY,
AND IT SETS UP THE REALLY BIG ONE FOR NEXT WEEK,
WHEN THE ATOMS PLAY THOSE SAME LOS ANGELES RAMS FOR THE DIVISIONAL TITLE.
INCIDENTALLY, FOR WIVES AND SWEETHEARTS WHO WANT TO MEET THE TEAM,
THE ATOMS' PLANE WILL ARRIVE AT 10:30 TONIGHT IN LOS ANGELES.
[ Cheering ]
[ Squealing ] HOW ARE YOU?
- OICH! - [ Thudding, Groaning ]
[ Whistling ]
TWO THINGS HAPPENED TO ROB CARGIL, THE ATOMS' STAR LINEBACKER TODAY:
HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, AND HE WENT TO THE MICHIGAN MAMMOTHS.
TOO LATE TO HELP 'EM MUCH THIS YEAR, EVEN IF THEY MAKE IT TO THE SUPER BOWL,
UNLESS YOU MAKE TACKLES FROM A WHEELCHAIR.
THE RUMOR IS THAT ROB WAS THE THIRD SIDE OF ONE OF THOSE ETERNAL TRIANGLES,
AND THERE'S BEEN BAD BLOOD BETWEEN HIM AND ANDY PETROVIC ALL SEASON.
AS FOR ANDY, HE HASN'T GOT A PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THESE DAYS,
AS HE AND GUS LEAD THE ATOMS INTO THE DIVISIONAL TITLE GAME THIS SUNDAY.
YES, THIS IS HE SPEAKING.
[ Yiddish Accent ] THIS IS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL, MR. PETROVIC.
YES? I'VE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO CALL YOU BY A MISS DEBBIE KOVACS.
DEBBIE? UH, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO DEBBIE?
WELL, THERE'S BEEN AN ACCIDENT, BUT SHE'S IN VERY GOOD HANDS.
- UH, WHO IS THIS? - I'M DR. ERNEST GOLDMAN.
SEE, IT WAS A TWO-CAR COLLISION. WHAT A MESS!
BUT YOU'RE NOT TO WORRY. THOSE WERE HER VERY WORDS.
SHE KNOWS YOU GOT A CRUCIAL GAME TO PLAY TODAY, AND SHE WANTS YOU SHOULDN'T MISS IT.
UH, WHERE IS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL?
- OH, YOU'RE NOT TO COME DOWN HERE, SIR. - H-HOW DO I FIND THE HOSPITAL?
YOU TAKE THE SANTA ANA FREEWAY TO THE ORANGE GROVE OFF-RAMP.
TURN LEFT AT BEACH BOULEVARD ABOUT FOUR MILES. THEN TAKE A RIGHT.
[ Paging Operator ] DR. WYLIE. DR. WYLIE. CALL SURGERY.
MR. PETROVIC? DR. GOLDMAN?
- RIGHT THIS WAY, PLEASE. - [ Paging Operator ] DR. DANBRY. CALL X RAY.
[ Clears Throat ]
NOW IF YOU'LL NOTICE RIGHT HERE, THE-- [ Laughs ]
I COULDN'T EXPECT A LAYMAN LIKE YOU TO BE ABLE TO READ THIS,
BUT, UH, TO THE PRACTICED EYE, IT'S QUITE OBVIOUS.
NOW, YOU SEE THE PRESSURE IN THE VENTRICULAR GLOBULE IN THE TERTIARY GLAND?
WELL, THAT'S CAUSING AN OBSTRUCTION IN THE, UH, LUMBAR COLUMBADO REGION.
[ Andy ] OHH.
UH, AHEM, ROOM'S READY, DOCTOR. THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
[ Paging Operator ] DR. DELOO. DR. DELOO. CALL INHALATION THERAPY.
OH, WHERE'S DEBBIE? SHE'S FINE.
RIGHT NOW, SHE NEEDS AN IMMEDIATE BLOOD TRANSFUSION.
WHAT TYPE BLOOD YOU GOT? UH, I-I'M NOT SURE.
PERFECT. JUST THE KIND SHE NEEDS. HERE YOU ARE.
CHANGE INTO THESE. WAIT HERE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- BUT, DR. GOLDMAN, I-- - I SAID I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE ISN'T WITH YA? WE JUST BROUGHT THE MULE.
WE THOUGHT ANDY WAS WITH YOU. YOU THOUGHT?
I HIRED YOU GUYS FOR MUSCLE.
IF I WANTED SOMEBODY TO THINK, I'D HAVE HIRED THE SUPREME COURT!
[ Knocking ]
OH, HOW'S DEBBIE?
I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR THE TRANSFUSION, BUT NOBODY'S COME IN.
PATIENCE, PATIENCE, MY BOY. EVERYTHING'S GOING ALONG PERFECTLY.
SHE SENT YOU A MESSAGE. SHE SAID, "EVERYTHING'S GOING ALONG PERFECTLY.
JUST KNOWING YOU'RE HERE EASES THE PAIN."
OH, IF ONLY I COULD SEE HER! WILL YOU RELAX, SONNY BOY?
YOU'LL GET YOUR BLOOD ALL BUBBLY, AND THAT WOULDN'T DO YOU ANY GOOD FOR THE TRANSFUSION.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING THOSE? WELL, I'M TAKING THESE TO THE TRANSFUSION ROOM.
YOU SEE, THE MINUTE YOU'RE FINISHED, YOU JUST SLIDE OFF THE TABLE,
SLIP INTO THESE AND YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY TO THE GAME.
YOU KEEP YOUR EYE ON 'IM WHILE I DUMP THESE.
WHAT IF SOMEBODY WANTS TO COME IN?
TELL 'EM YA GOT AN EXTREME CASE OF DEMENTIA PRAECOX IN THERE.
WHAT KIND OF PEACOCK?
[ Sighs ] YOU KNOW--
OH, YOU MEAN THE PEACOCK'S CUCKOO?
[ Paging Operator ] DR. GRAY. DR. GRAY--
EXCUSE ME. UH, MR. COOPER? I JUST HEARD FROM ANDY.
WHERE IS HE? WELL, THERE'S BEEN SOME KIND OF EMERGENCY.
HE SAID HE'D BE HERE AS SOON AS HE GIVES DEBBIE A TRANSFUSION.
DOES THAT GIRL LOOK LIKE SHE NEEDS A TRANSFUSION?
OH, UH, NO. NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.
YOU-- GREAT SHAPE!
DR. TERUSSA. CALL RADIOLOGY. UH, EXCUSE ME. YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
- PARDON ME. - OH, NO. YOU SEE, WE HAVE A DEMENTED PEACOCK IN THERE.
- A WHAT? - UH, UH, A, UH---
WHAT ABOUT MY TRANSFUSION? I HAVE TO HURRY. I'M PLAYING A VERY IMPORTANT FOOTBALL GAME.
FOOTBALL? OH, SURE, YEAH. I'LL TELL YA WHAT. WHY DON'T WE BRING THE GOALPOSTS HERE, GUS?
OH, NO. NO, I-I'M NOT GUS. I'M ANDY. YOU MUST BELIEVE ME. WE DO.
YEAH, WE DO. YEAH. SURE, YOU CAN BE ANYBODY YOU WANT HERE. MAN O' WAR, RIN TIN TIN.
HOW ABOUT DUMBO, THE FLYING ELEPHANT? [ Whooshes, Laughs ]
HASN'T GOT BOTH OARS IN THE WATER.
MM-HMM. [ Paging Operator Continues ]
IT'S FOURTH DOWN, MR. COOPER. GUESS WE OUGHTA PUNT, HUH? EXCUSE ME.
I'VE CHECKED EVERY HOSPITAL IN TOWN, MR. COOPER. NO SIGN OF ANDY.
WELL, WE'RE GOIN' FOR THE FIELD GOAL, ANYWAY.
O'BRIEN? GET READY TO GO IN THERE AND HOLD FOR GUS.
STRETCHER BEARERS, GET READY TO GO IN THERE FOR O'BRIEN.
[ Andy Yells ]
[ Crankcase Yelling ]
[ Muttering ]
THEN THERE'S NO DEBBIE KOVACS REGISTERED?
NO, SIR. I'M SORRY. THERE ISN'T.
[ Coach Yelling ] OKAY, GET IT!
I'VE HEARD OF A ONE-MAN DOG, BUT HOW COULD I WIND UP WITH A ONE-MAN MULE?
WELL, THERE'S STILL A CHANCE, MR. COOPER. THERE'S A WHOLE QUARTER LEFT.
AH, DEBBIE, WE COULD HAVE TWO WEEKS LEFT, BUT WITHOUT ANDY HOLDING FOR GUS, WE'RE DEAD.
[ Crowd Chattering, Yelling ]
[ Woman On P.A. ] DR. CARLISLE. DR. CARLISLE. CALL 2411.
[ Cat Meows ]
SHHH.
[ Cat Meows ]
[ Cat Meowing, Andy Grunting ]
[ Spinner Yells ]
[ Yelling ]
OH, MY. WELL, FOLKS, ANY DREAMS THE ATOMS HAD OF GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL...
HAVE VANISHED ALONG WITH THEIR LITTLE PLACEKICK HOLDER, ANDY.
EIGHTEEN SECONDS TO GO. ATOMS' BALL ON THEIR OWN 48.
USUALLY AN AUTOMATIC FIELD GOAL FOR GUS,
BUT HE REFUSES TO KICK FOR ANYBODY BUT ANDY.
GUS IS OUT THERE, MR. COOPER.
THE QUESTION IS, WHO ARE WE GONNA SEND OUT THERE WITH HIM?
[ Crowd Cheering ]
* [ Drums ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Man ] ALL RIGHT, BLOCK THAT KICK!
[ Crowd Chanting ] BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK! BLOCK THAT KICK!
OICH! PLEASE, GUS,FOR ANDY!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
- [ Blows Whistle ] - [ Gunshot ]
* [ Band Playing ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
ANDY!
MY PAPA WAS RIGHT.
I'M SOME HERO WHEN-- WHEN ANYBODY CAN TAKE MY PLACE.
[ Snoring ]
[ Man ] WELL, IF THIS WERE MY OLD AUNT HATTIE,
I'D CALL IT THE VAPORS.
I HAVE A FEELING IF ANDY WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR, THE VAPORS WOULD DISAPPEAR.
GUS IS PROBABLY MORE WORRIED THAN ANY OF US.
NOT ANY MORE WORRIED THAN I AM.
WHERE DOES A YUGOSLAVIAN KID GO TO DROWN HIS SORROWS?
I THINK I KNOW.
[ Woman On P.A. ] TWA FLIGHT 615 NOW DEPARTING.
HEY, ANDY! CONGRATULATIONS. I WAS AT THE GAME TODAY. THAT WAS A GREAT WIN.
YEAH, YOU'RE PUTTIN' US RIGHT ON TOP, ANDY.
ALL RIGHT, ANDY. RIGHT UP THERE, HUH?
ANDY, WHERE'S GUS?
NEVER MIND. CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? I MEAN, FOR MY KID.
WHAT KID? IT'S FOR YOU. AND GET ONE FOR ME, TOO, HARV.
ANDY, ARE YOU GOING BACK TO NEW YORK? NO, B-BACK TO YUGOSLAVIA.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE PLAY-OFFS AND THE SUPER BOWL?
GUS WILL DO VERY WELL WITHOUT ME.
[ Debbie ] NO, HE WON'T.
NOR WILL AN AWFUL LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE.
DEBBIE, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T PLAN FOR IT TO HAPPEN THIS WAY.
IT JUST HAPPENED. I HAVE TO GO.
OKAY. YOU HAVE TO GO, BUT CAN'T WE JUST TALK FOR A MINUTE?
ALL RIGHT, FOR JUST A MINUTE.
ANDY-- DEBBIE, BEFORE YOU START, I KNOW NOW THAT MY PAPA WAS RIGHT.
YOUR PAPA? YOUR PAPA? MY PAPA WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, DEBBIE.
I WAS NEVER REALLY A PLAYER. IF IT WEREN'T FOR GUS, I--
ANDY, LISTEN TO ME.
IT ISN'T YOUR PAPA. IT'S YOU.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE SOMETHING IN YOUR OWN EYES...
BEFORE YOU CAN BE ANYTHING TO ANYBODY ELSE.
SURE. IN THE MEANTIME, MY BROTHER STJEPAN'S THE HERO.
HERO? WHO CARES IF YOU'RE A HERO OR NOT...
IF YOU'RE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO STAY HERE AND FIGHT...
FOR SOMETHING OR SOMEBODY YOU CARE ABOUT?
OKAY, GO.
GO AHEAD. RUN AWAY.
YOU'RE JUST GOING TO PROVE TO EVERYBODY THAT THAT ZERO ON YOUR UNIFORM IS RIGHT.
[ Sighs ]
TO YUGOSLAVIA? YOU TOLD HIM OFF? COULDN'T YOU JUST STOP HIM?
[ Andy ] SHE DID, MR. COOPER. HI, KID.
THAT MULE IS NOTHIN' WITHOUT HIM, DEBBIE. NOTHIN'!
ONCE HE'S ON THAT PLANE--
WHERE YOU BEEN, HUH? WELL, I--
NEVER MIND WHERE YOU BEEN. I'LL TELL YOU WHERE YOU'RE GONNA BE FROM NOW ON!
ANYWHERE YOU SAY, MR. COOPER. I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'M SORRY FOR ALL THE TROUBLE.
UH-HUH. I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU AND-AND TO DEBBIE--
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
YOU JUST WIN THE PLAY-OFFS AND THE SUPER BOWL, AND ALL IS FORGIVEN.
RIGHT NOW, YOU AND GUS ARE GOING INTO HIDIN'. IT'S ALL ARRANGED.
YES, SIR. WHATEVER YOU SAY. BUT RIGHT NOW, I'VE GOTTA SEE DEBBIE.
NAW, NAW, NAW, NAW, NAW. NOTHING DOING.
NOBODY'S GOIN' NEAR YOU TILL AFTER THE SUPER BOWL.
N-NOT EVEN DEBBIE?
NOT EVEN NOBODY.
[ Cheering ]
YEAH, WELL, MIAMI WAS TOUGH. IT WAS REAL TOUGH,
BUT I, I HAD A GUT FEELING THAT WE'D TAKE 'EM IF WE JUST,
YOU KNOW, RAN RIGHT INTO THEIR STRENGTH AND, AND PASSED RIGHT INTO THAT ZONE...
AND SWEPT RIGHT AROUND THOSE ENDS.
UH, HOW ABOUT THE 14 FIELD GOALS BY GUS?
OH, YEAH, WELL, THEY HELPED TOO.
[ Laughter ] WELL, THANK YOU, COACH VENNER.
AND GOOD LUCK IN THE SUPERBOWL, ALL YOU ATOMS.
[ Players Cheering ]
[ Cooper ] GOOD GAME. WAY TO GO. NICE GAME.
REALLY GOOD. THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT, ISN'T IT? HUH?
GOOD GAME, FELLAS. KEEP IT UP, GUYS. KEEP IT UP.
HEY, HANK, YOU'RE LOOKIN' LIKE A WINNER. GENTLEMEN--
CONGRATULATIONS. LOOKIN' LIKE A WINNER.
WELL, WE'LL KNOW IN TWO WEEKS, WON'T WE, CHARLIE? OH, COME ON.
WITH GUS AND ANDY IN THERE, HEH, THE MAMMOTHS DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS ANDY? I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE HIM TOO.
OH, I'M SURE YOU WOULD, BUT YOU'D NEED A FAST CAR.
CAR? OR PLANE.
MAYBE EVEN A BOAT.
[ Laughs ] HANK, I JUST WANT TO CONGRATULATE HIM.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL ARRANGE A SPECIAL INTERVIEW WITH HIM...
RIGHT AFTER WE WIN THE SUPER BOWL.
[ Laughs ]
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
[ Debbie On Speaker ] ANDY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
[ Andy On Speaker ] NO. IT IS MY HEART.
YOUR HEART? YES. IT IS VERY LONELY.
MINE TOO. ANDY... I REALLY MISS YOU.
ME TOO. YOU WOULD LOVE IT HERE.
WHEN YOU CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN, YOU CAN SEE THE OCEAN.
[ Debbie ] OH, IT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.
UH-HUH.
CAN SEE THE OCEAN? CAN SEE THE--
WAIT A MINUTE. SURE!
HANK COOPER'S GOT A CABIN IN THE MALIBU MOUNTAINS IN L.A.
[ Laughing ] NOW, CAL, IF I WAS A BETTING MAN--
[ Horn Honks ]
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
OH, I AM JUST SO SORRY THAT MY BOYS AREN'T HERE TO HELP ME.
YOU SEE, I WAS TRYING TO TURN THE BUS AROUND, AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.
COULD YOU LEND ME A HAND, PLEASE?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I THINK-- GUS CAN HELP. HE'S STRONG.
NOT ON YOUR LIFE. ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HIM, IT'LL BE MY LIFE.
BACK ON OUR FARM WHEN WAGON IS STUCK, WE USE A LEVER.
I'LL SHOW YOU. [ Sighs ]
WELL, WE MIGHT AS WELL. WE CAN'T GET BY YOU ANYWAY.
[ Trailer Door Opening ]
EXCUSE ME, GUS. WE'LL BE ON OUR WAY IN JUST A MINUTE.
[ Mule Neighs ]
OKAY.
[ Bus Engine Starts ]
NO, YOU'RE NOT LOOKIN' AT A MIRROR, GUS. THAT'S JUST THE WORLD'S GREATEST PAINT JOB.
NOW, WE'RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE MUSICAL MULE, SO COME ON, OUT YOU GO.
IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US, AND WE'D LIKE TWIN DOUBLE BEDS, PLEASE.
YES, SIR. ROOM 319.
THANK YOU. OOPSY-DAISY!
- WELL, WHAT'S THE MATTER? - IT'S MY CONTACT LENSES.
THEY'RE ALWAYS DROPPING OUT, AND THEY BOUNCE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
[ Chuckles ] WELL, LET ME HELP. I'VE GOT 20/20 VISION.
VERY KIND OF YOU.
[ Lilting ] NOW, YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
YEAH. TRY OVER THERE.
FOUND IT. HUH?
WHERE? I DON'T SEE IT.
OH, YOU OUGHTA HAVE YOUR EYES CHECKED. YOU NEED THESE WORSE THAN I DO.
YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL.
PRESS THREE.
[ Gasping ]
[ Screaming ]
YOU KNOW, THIS IS CRAZY, SPINNER.
WE SHOULDN'T HAVE BROUGHT, UH, YOU-KNOW-WHO HERE.
WE SHOULD HAVE GONE RIGHT TO MEXICO.
WITH THE MOST FAMOUS MULE IN THE COUNTRY? NOW, SUPPOSE THE COPS WOULD'VE CAUGHT US?
YEAH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
HEY, I WONDER IF THAT COOPER AND COMPANY FOUND OUT THEY GOT THE WRONG MULE YET.
WELL, HOW WOULD I KNOW? THE WHOLE THING WENT OFF WITHOUT A HITCH.
NOW, WILL YOU GET SOME SLEEP? [ Groans ]
TOMORROW, RIGHT AFTER THE GAME, WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.
[ Gus Grunting ]
IS THAT YOU, SPINNER?
[ Spinner ] WHAT?
SOMEBODY JUST CRAWLED IN BED WITH ME.
[ Sighs ]
WELL, I GUESS HE HAD TO SLEEP SOMEWHERE. YEAH, BUT WHY WITH ME?
WELL, HOW SHOULD I KNOW? MAYBE YOU REMIND HIM OF HIS MOTHER.
NOW GO TO SLEEP.
HMM.
[ Neighs ] HEY!
[ Neighs, Groans ]
[ Gus Snoring ] NIGHT.
[ Snoring Continues ]
HOW'D HE SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
NEVER BETTER, MR. COOPER.
BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S PUT ON A FEW POUNDS, ALMOST OVERNIGHT.
WELL, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED, HE CAN LOOK LIKE A WHALE...
AS LONG AS HE DOESN'T GO OUT THERE AND KICK LIKE ONE.
[ Players Chattering ]
[ Mule Neighs ]
WANNA ORDER OF TWO GLASSES OF ORANGE JUICE,
TWO ORDERS OF TOAST-- ONE WHOLE WHEAT, ONE RYE--
AN ORDER OF SCRAMBLED EGGS AND BACON,
AN ORDER OF, UH, EGGS OVER WITH SAUSAGE.
OH, UH, YOU GOT ANY OATMEAL?
WELL, SEND UP A BUCKET.
RAW.
SAME TO YOU.
YES, SIR. HERE WE ARE, FOLKS. THE OLD PEPPER POT,
PEPPER ALLAN AND HIS FAVORITE SIDEKICK, JOHNNY UNITAS.
WE'RE HERE IN THE CITY OF THE ANGELS ON A RAINY SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.
GAME AFTER GAME, WEEK AFTER WEEK,
THE STRUGGLE, THE ANGUISH, THE HEARTBREAK OF THE WHOLE SEASON...
HAS UNFOLDED BEFORE YOUR EYES.
AND I'VE BROUGHT YOU SOME GREAT ONES, HAVEN'T I? YOU BET I HAVE.
I'VE GIVEN YOU THE HIGHLIGHTS, THE INSIGHTS AND EVEN THE HINDSIGHTS,
BUT THE STORY OF THE YEAR HAS GOT TO BE THIS AMAZING CALIFORNIA ATOMS TEAM...
AND THEIR MIRACLE MULE, GUS.
THEY'VE GONE FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE TO WINNERS BY A MILE.
AND NOW WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO TO THOSE MICHIGAN MAMMOTHS, JOHNNY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO.
AS SURE AS THERE'S CLOUDS IN THE SKY AND RAIN IN YOUR EYE,
IT'S MONEY IN THE BANK FOR THE ATOMS.
THEY MAY BE SHORT-CHANGED TODAY, PEPPER. THE SUN'S COMING OUT.
WELL, SUN OR NO SUN, FOLKS, A MUDDY FIELD MEANS TURNOVER TIME,
AND LET ME TELL YOU WHAT TURNOVER MEANS TO THOSE ATOMS.
THEY'VE LIVED BY THE TURNOVER ALL YEAR LONG,
AND THE QUESTION IS, WILL THEY LIVE OR DIE BY THE TURNOVER TODAY?
WHILE YOU'RE WORKING ON THE ANSWER, PEPPER,
WE'VE GOT SOME GUESTS FROM OVERSEAS IN THE BOOTH,
AND WE'D BETTER INTRODUCE THEM BEFORE THEIR VISAS RUN OUT.
YOU BET WE HAVE, JOHNNY. FLOWN IN ALL THE WAY FROM YUGOSLAVIA--
AT NO SMALL EXPENSE TO OUR NETWORK-- MAMA AND PAPA PETROVIC.
IT MUST BE A THRILL FOR YOU TO BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON TO SEE YOUR SON ANDY PERFORM.
ANDY GOOD BOY. GOOD FARMER.
GOATS AND PIGS NOT THE SAME SINCE HE LEFT.
MR. PETROVIC, THERE MAY BE PANIC IN THE PIG PEN,
BUT WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT A GREAT AMERICAN HERO.
OH, THE FINGER, YEAH.
PAPA, MAYBE ANDY IS A HERO.
A MAN WHO HOLDS THE BALL FOR A MULE TO KICK? WE'LL SEE.
WE'LL ALL SEE. YES, INDEED, FOLKS, 'CAUSE HERE THEY COME.
BOTH TEAMS OUT ON THE RAIN-SOAKED FIELD, AND THE DREAM GAME...
THAT 100 MILLION FANATIC FANS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN...
AND OLD PEPPER IS GONNA BRING IT TO YA RIGHT INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM.
AND HERE'S A LITTLE SCOOP FOR YOU RIGHT FROM THE PEPPER POT.
ROB CARGIL, THE EX-ATOM MEAT GRINDER,
IS SUITED UP AND SITTING ON THE MICHIGAN BENCH,
SPLINTS AND ALL, READY IF NEEDED.
LET ME TELL YA, FOLKS, RIGHT NOW HE'S THE MEANEST MACHINE YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
[ Laughing ]
- WELL, HERE COMES THE KICKOFF. - [ Whistle Blows ]
- ARE YOU READY, GUS? - [ Mule Braying ]
OICH!
[ Crowd Groaning ]
WHAT HAPPENED? HUH?
GUS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
[ Crowd Booing ]
GUS? ARE YOU GUS?
YOU'RE NOT GUS!
[ Braying ] HEY, THAT MULE'S GONE APE. WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
WHATEVER IT IS, STAY AWAY FROM HIS HIND LEGS...
UNLESS YOU WANNA WIND UP LOOKIN' LIKE THAT TV SET.
[ Braying Continues ]
[ Mutters ] HEY!
WHAT'S GOIN' ON OUT THERE? WHERE'D THAT WHITE SPOT COME FROM?
SOMETHING MUST'VE RUBBED OFF, MR. COOPER.
YOU KNOW, I GOT A SISTER-IN-LAW WHO HAD A NOSE JOB.
MAYBE WE'VE GOT A-- A MULE WITH A PAINT JOB. [ Chuckles ]
NO, JUST KIDDING.
THAT'S NOT EVEN GUS, YOU NINCOMPOOP!
[ Car Horns Honking ]
HEY!
IT'S A FRAUD! THE OLD SHELL GAME, FOLKS.
HANK COOPER AND THE MISSING MULE HAVE MADE JACKASSES OF ALL OF YOU.
I TRIED TO TELL YOU. DIDN'T I, JOHNNY? YOU BET I DID.
THE BUBBLE HAD TO BURST SOMETIME,
AND THE BUBBLE BURST RIGHT IN THE FIRST HALF.
SO FAR, THIS SUPER BOWL HAS BEEN A LAUGHER FOR THE MAMMOTHS,
BUT I DON'T SEEM TO HEAR ANY LAUGHIN', DO YOU, JOHNNY?
NO, I DON'T EITHER. ESPECIALLY FROM THE ATOMS.
'CAUSE TAKE IT FROM US, FOLKS, THERE'S NO MORE GUS.
MR. COOPER, THEY'VE SPOTTED GUS. WHERE IS HE?
SOMEWHERE NEAR TOPANGA CANYON, BUT THEY LOST HIM. LET'S GO, KID.
BUT WHERE? HOW DO I KNOW? WE'RE GONNA FIND HIM,
AND IF WE DON'T, NOBODY BETTER FIND THE TWO OF US.
SEE ANYTHING, MR. COOPER?
SAME THING YOU DO, KID. NOTHING.
THAT HALF-TIME MUST BE ALMOST OVER.
UH, EXCUSE ME. [ Mutters ]
[ Panting ] LISTEN, NO MULE IS GONNA OUTSMART US.
YEAH? WELL, HE'S DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB SO FAR.
THIS PLACE IS AS GOOD AS ANY CORRAL.
NOW, YOU ROUND HIM UP, AND I'LL LASSO HIM. YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?
OH, YEAH, YEAH. I USED TO BE A BUS BOY ON A DUDE RANCH.
I GOT HIM!
[ Gus Braying ]
[ Exhales ]
SPINNER! I GOT HIM! I GOT HIM!
HI.
[ Groans ]
OH... OH.
HELLO. [ Gasps ]
AM I IN YOUR WAY? [ Yells ]
WHOOAAHH!
[ Braying ]
[ Crankcase Grunts ]
I GOT HIM. OH. I GOT HIM.
WHOA. WHOA.
WHOA THERE. WHOA. WHOA.
STEADY NOW, GUS. HOLD IT. WHOA.
[ Both Grunting ]
[ Muttering ] LET GO OF ME!
OHHH!
[ Gus Braying ]
WHO WAS THAT?
OH, YES. WE PACKAGE IT ALL OURSELVES.
THAT'S HOW WE BUILT OUR REPUTATION FOR HAVING THE FRESHEST MEAT IN TOWN.
HEY! HEY!
FRESHEST MEAT!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, CRANKCASE, YOU GO HAVE A LOOK OVER THERE, HUH?
YEAH. HEY.
HUH? AND TRY AND BE A LITTLE MORE DISCREET.
[ Women Screaming ]
GET HIM! GET HIM!
OHHH.
OHHH! HELP! AAAH! WHOA!
- OHHH. - HEY, MOM, LOOK AT THAT!
[ Grunts ]
- [ Grunts ] - [ Laughing ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE, HUH?
[ Grunts ]
HEY, DON'T-- DON'T DO THAT!
[ Braying ]
[ Groans ] [ Woman Screams ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Groaning ]
[ Laughing ]
ALL RIGHT, QUIT FOOLIN' AROUND. HUH?
STAY CLOSE.
WHICH--
[ Groaning, Bones Cracking ]
WHICH WAY DID HE GO?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. I'D SETTLE FOR GOIN' BACK TO JAIL.
NOT WITH 25 G's AT STAKE.
NOW, YOU GO OVER THERE. I'M GOIN' UP HERE FOR A BETTER LOOK.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE. HERE.
GET ME A BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN. I GOT AN AWFUL HEADACHE.
[ Yells ]
[ Screaming ]
AAAAAH! NO!
[ Braying ]
[ Shoppers Laughing ] [ Screaming ]
WHOA.
WHOA, GUS. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WH--
WHOA. WHOA!
OH.
SPINNER, I GOT HIM!
TSK. REALLY!
[ Crankcase Screaming ]
[ Screaming, Muttering ] OH, MY GOODNESS! I'M A MESS!
[ Gus Braying ]
[ Shouting, Muttering Continues ]
[ Woman ] GIVE HIM ROOM! GET OUT OF THE WAY!
GIVE HIM SOME ROOM! SOMEBODY STOP HIM! NO!
SORRY, MR. COOPER. THERE'S NO SIGN OF HIM AT ALL.
AND IT'S ONE HOUR TILL DOOMSDAY.
NOT YET! LOOK DOWN THERE! IT'S GUS!
ANOTHER OF PEPPER'S PREDICTIONS WAS RIGHT AGAIN, FOLKS.
SAFE AND SOUND, GUS HAS BEEN FOUND!
AND THE MULE-NAPPERS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO THE ROCK PILE.
AH, BUT BEFORE YOU START CHEERIN' FOR THE ATOMS,
REMEMBER IT'S A LONG WAY FROM TOPANGA CANYON TO THE COLISEUM.
AND THERE IS NO WAY-- NO WAY THEY CAN GET HIM HERE ON TIME.
UH, PEPPER, THERE'S ONE WAY.
JOHNNY, THERE IS NO WAY.
UNLESS-- UNLESS THEY BRING HIM IN BY HELICOPTER,
AND IF THEY LISTEN TO THE OLD PEPPER POT,
THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT THEY'LL DO.
[ Crowd, Players Cheering ]
[ Cheering Continues ]
OICH!
[ Whistle Blows ]
UNBELIEVABLE! INCONCEIVABLE!
[ Voice Breaking ] WHAT A COMEBACK, FOLKS!
FIVE CONSECUTIVE FIELD GOALS!
THE ATOMS HAVE BEEN STICKIN' AND THE MULE HAS BEEN KICKIN'.
AND WITH TWO MINUTES TO PLAY, DON'T GO AWAY!
[ Voice Failing ] THE OLD PEPPER POT...
WOULDN'T MISS BRINGIN' THIS TO YOU FOR A-- FOR--
WELL, AT LAST, IT'S NICE TO COME INTO YOUR LIVIN' ROOM, EVERYBODY.
IF YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN A MIRACLE ON THE FIELD,
WE'VE BEEN TREATED TO AN EVEN BIGGER ONE HERE IN THE BOOTH.
THE OLD PEPPER HEAD'S GROUND TO A HALT. [ Gasps ]
BUT I THINK I KNOW WHAT HE'D LIKE TO SAY.
WEEK AFTER WEEK, GAME AFTER GAME,
PLAY AFTER PLAY, HAVE I EVER BEEN WRONG? [ Gasping ]
AND NOW, WITH ALL MY INSIGHT, HINDSIGHT AND FORESIGHT, LET ME TELL YOU, MOTHER,
THIS IS THE GREATEST COMEBACK IN THE HISTORY OF AMERICAN SPORTS.
WIN OR LOSE, THE ATOMS HAVE MADE IT A GAME.
AND I TOLD YOU ALL ALONG, AND I'M TELLING YOU AGAIN,
THE MULE IS THE TEAM AND THE TEAM'S ON THE BEAM.
YES, SIRREE. AND HOW HAVE THE ATOMS BEEN DOING IT, FOLKS?
NO MUSS, NO FUSS, JUST GUS.
RIGHT, PEPPER? RIGHT. [ Squealing ]
THERE! FIVE THREE!
ONE, TWENTY-NINE, AND... HUT!
[ Grunting ]
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Crowd Cheering ]
WELL, IT LOOKS AS IF YOU'VE WON YOURSELF A BALL TEAM, CHARLIE.
AND THE FIRST THING YOU'RE GONNA DO IS TO GET THAT MULE'S HOOFPRINT ON A CONTRACT.
BETTER WORK ON OUR GOAL LINE DEFENSE. PRESCOTT.
WITH TEN SECONDS LEFT, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IF THEY WIN BY ONE OR A HUNDRED?
WELL, LOSING BY ONE POINT ISN'T BAD AT ALL, MR. COOPER. IT'S SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'VE LOST THE TEAM.
WELL, IT'S SOMETHING FOR THE NEXT OWNER TO BE PROUD OF.
ANDY, YOU AND GUS HAVE COME SO CLOSE, I'M SURE YOUR PAPA REALIZES.
HE MUST BE PROUD OF YOU. IT ISN'T PAPA I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
TO HIM I'LL ALWAYS BE A HALF A HERO. IT'S MR. COOPER.
[ Whistle Blowing ] I'M SORRY WE COULDN'T WIN IT FOR HIM.
WELL, HERE THEY GO, MR. COOPER.
OH, GOOD IDEA. I CAN'T WATCH EITHER.
I'M PRAYING.
OH. WELL, IF YOU'RE PRAYING FOR RAIN, WE'VE HAD PLENTY OF THAT ALREADY.
I'M PRAYING FOR A--
[ Coach Venner ] FUMBLE!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
* [ Band Playing ]
IT'S A FUMBLE! ANDY, YOU AND GUS GET OUT THERE AND DO YOUR STUFF!
BUT WE HAVE TO KICK FROM THE END ZONE, MR. COOPER,
AND GUS ISN'T TOO ACCURATE OVER A HUNDRED YARDS.
KID, KID, JUST RELAX.
BE CALM. DON'T THINK ABOUT A THING.
FORGET THAT AN OLD MAN'S LIFE OR DEATH DEPENDS UPON THIS KICK, AND GET OUT THERE!
GO, ANDY! GO, GUS! [ Crowd Cheering ]
HOLY TOLEDO! LOOK WHO'S COMIN' IN!
[ Clock Buzzing ]
WHILE YOU'RE DOWN THERE, SAY A LITTLE PRAYER, RUNT, 'CAUSE WHEN THE BALL'S SNAPPED,
I'M TURNING THAT SPOT INTO A YUGOSLAVIAN BURIAL GROUND.
WE'VE GONE THIS FAR, GUS. NOW WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY.
[ Neighs ]
[ Andy ] OICH! GUS!
[ Gus Groans ]
[ Andy Screams ]
GO, ANDY!
[ Snorting ]
[ Cheering, Shouting ]
[ Crowd Groaning ]
HE FUMBLED. OH, NO!
GET IT!
HE'S GOT IT!
GO, ANDY!
[ Cheering, Shouting Continues ]
* [ Band Playing ]
[ Braying ]
YEA! [ Cheering ]
[ Clock Buzzing ]
THIS IS MY BOY! IS REAL HERO, HUH?
WELL, GUS, YOUR OTHER HALF STOLE THE THUNDER,
BUT DON'T LET IT GET YOU DOWN.
EVEN THE BEST OF THEM SLIP ONCE IN A WHILE.
SLIP, GUS? COME ON.