It's from Herod.
What does he say?
It's written from Jerusalem.
Read it to me. His letters are so amusing.
"Mr dear old friend,
"what is all this I hear about you living in three rooms in the o-o-old quarter of town?
"Is it serious?
"Why did you not write to me?
"Is it that absurd pride of yours?
"Well, I shall attend to that shortly.
"Meanwhile, knowing how loathe you are to accept money
"and being the only practical friend you ever had,
"I enclose a little... p-p-present for you.
Please, make proper use of it. Herod.
What is it? Seems very small.
Well, I don't know.
I don't think that's very generous!
Venus! Oh, Claudius, I think your luck is changing.
I'm sure it's an omen!
Those dice are crooked.
You can't possibly use them.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, dear, Herod!
How I miss him. Master.
Have you seen this? What?
It was pinned on the door of the temple. What is it?
It's advertising a brothel in the palace.
They're all over the city.
A brothel, in the palace?
But who is to serve in it?
His sisters, his cousins.
S-S-Senators and their wives.
You knew about it?
Why didn't you tell me?
He wants you there.
He wants me to take t-t-the money on the door.
Oh, Claudius.
Little monster.
Forcing the nobility into prostitution.
And in the palace.
Why, even Calpurnia wouldn't serve in such a place, and that's her profession.
That is not her profession any more!
My dear, that was, and is, my profession.
I'm a prostitute, and I've never been ashamed of it.
All the same, I won't serve in his brothel!
There's some price a man won't pay.
JOLLY MUSIC PLAYS
Claudius, I was told to bring her here, but she's terrified.
Nothing you can do. Please, listen!
She's given birth six weeks ago.
If someone touches her, I'm afraid what she'll do. No exceptions.
There must be a room or somewhere to put her. No one will notice. Please!
Do you want mine to get along with yours?
You've paid your fee, go on in!
Enjoy yourself.
It's not important. No.
Do you want the child left without a mother?!
Come.
Ah, another customer.
As we were just running out of men.
Real men.
Sabinus, isn't it?
And I see you've brought your pretty wife.
My dear, you'll make a fortune in there tonight.
You better, anyway. The emperor has just raised his commission.
Shall we go? Ah, reinforcements. Marcus.
The emperor's brother-in-law, and your first customer.
Make him pay through the nose, my dear.
You're worth it. No!
Come!
What are you doing? Chucking you out!
You've no right! That's what I'm here for, that's what I'm doing!
But why?! For creating a disturbance!
But she was creating the disturbance! Out!
See him off the premises.
Go home. But if the emperor should return...
I'll tell him I threw you out for indecent behaviour.
You are a good man, Claudius.
Claudius?
We must help him, the emperor.
He's your husband, you help him.
Claudius!
He's sick. He needs good people round him.
He's killed them all.
What are you doing here in your condition? He told me to come.
He likes me to be with him.
Has he shown you naked to his guards lately?
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's not for me
to c-c-criticise, I bleat to the rest of them whenever he appears.
There are no lions among us any more.
ALL LAUGH AND APPLAUD
LAUGHTER AND MUSIC STOPS
HE CHUCKLES
Vulcan with awkward grace, his office plies, while unextinguished laughter shakes the skies.
Homer for Vulcan read old uncle Claudius.
Oh...
Then from his anvil, the lame craftsman rose.
Wide, with distorted legs.
Oblique, he goes.
Oh, bravo!
Henceforth, uncle, you shall be Vulcan.
While I...
Well...
What am I?
But Ulysses...
returning home to witness the shame and degradation of his household.
Cassius?
Did you ever see a sight as sad and degrading as this?
Shall I arrest them, Caesar? No, let them indulge themselves a while longer.
Soon, I promise you I shall flush this sewage into the Tiber forever.
Meanwhile, Jove must cleanse himself in battle.
I have sworn to fight a war against the Germans that will end
in their total annihilation, and I shall bring back much booty to Rome, fill her coffers, enrich her purse.
Cassius, order the detachments, and raise the levies.
I go to forge in the white hot fires of war
a new and tempered spirit of Rome that will last 1,000 years!
Good girl.
KNOCKING
Claudius.
I've got a little gift for baby.
Claudius.
BABY CRIES
That's lovely. Show it to her. How is she?
Come and see.
Ah, she's very pretty.
Yeah. She looks just like you.
Come and sit down.
So, how's Calpurnia?
She's well. She sends her felicitations.
I'm going to see the emperor in Germany soon,
so I shall be able to report that you're both looking well.
Why are you going to Germany?
Haven't you heard? You know they tell me nothing.
Oh, I'm not sure I should tell you.
Well, I suppose you'll hear about it soon enough.
Well, he has informed the senate by letter that he's uncovered
a vast conspiracy against himself in the army of the Rhine.
Six corp commanders and the army commander himself, have been executed.
More executions are still taking place.
Do you think there was a conspiracy?
Who knows? Would it surprise you?
The army commander, no. He was my father's old friend,
my brother's corp commander, a soldier of iron loyalty. No, that's not possible.
Why are you going then?
The senate is sending me and two ex-consuls to congratulate him
on the mutiny.
As I said,
the only lions left in Rome are in the arena.
BABY CRIES
I'm also to strip Livia's apartments of all their valuables and send them to him by road.
He stresses by road. Apparently, he has a quarrel with Neptune,
and fears the boat will sink.
What does he want them for? To auction to the provincial.
He's auctioning everything now.
He's discovered he has a gift for it.
Claudius, what am I doing here?
Why did he chose me for a wife? I'm ten years older than he is, not
pretty, I was born the daughter of a night watchman, I married a baker.
What does he see in me? Perhaps that you,
alone among everyone,
truly love him.
Yes, I do love him.
I can't explain why.
I know he does terrible things.
I'll tell you something.
He is more afraid than any of us.
Cassius.
Just been talking to that river god.
He threatened to drown me.
Does he know who you are?
He does now, I've just given him
a severe reprimand, so shut up.
Well, the river's going down, isn't it?
Yes, Caesar.
Your uncle is here with Marcus and Asprenas.
Let them in.
Hail, Caesar.
Lord of the heavens,
the senate and the people...
Where are my carts?
Carts? The carts with the valuables in them.
Oh, heaven, bless you
majesty, they're coming by road.
They'll be a few days yet. We wanted to get here sooner, so we came across the water.
Well then, back by water you go.
Throw them in the river!
Merciful God!
How dare you arrive without my carts!
But you already said the carts should come by road!
Throw him off on the bridge!
Prostrate yourselves in the presence of Jove!
How dare the senate send that idiot to congratulate me.
Have their throats cut.
Not worthy of such a mission, the man's an imbecile!
Save Rome from a conspiracy, and they send that clapped out crippled
old clown to felicitate me?!
Is that the respect that they give their emperor?!
What's going on there?
More plots.
More conspiracies.
I'll set my German guards on them when I get back.
I'll burn the damn place down! It never was any use!
I should have done that a long time ago,
I should have had his throat cut when I was first made emperor.
He makes a mess of everything.
Couldn't even order my brother's statues on time!
Merciful God, we only came by sea to bring our congratulations.
I wanted carts not congratulations!
Up! Up!
Up! Up! Up!
Did I not tell you that I had had a quarrel with Neptune?
That he plagues me all the time with his sea noises,
stirs the river gods up against me, makes war on me everywhere?
How dare you ride with him!
One hopes...
Yes...
Perhaps you plotted with him.
No. Merciful God...
You and my uncle, you plotted with him on your way here.
No, highest one. We assure you. What did you talk about then?
You and Neptune?
What did you say to one another?
Nothing, we swear!
Mere mortals can't talk to a god.
Perhaps he appeared to you in mortal guise, as I do.
What did he look like?
We never saw him.
Please believe me.
He wouldn't plot with us.
Perhaps you're right.
But I shall kill you just the same.
Down! Cassius, give me your sword.
Oh, please!
In the name of my wife, your sister...
How dare you mention that whore to me!
I'll show the Senate what I think of their envoys.
I'll send you back to Rome in pieces.
I wish hadn't thrown my uncle into the river.
I could have done the same with him. But never mind,
they'll get the message. No!
HE CHUCKLES
Ha ha! And where have you been, my dear, dear Vulcan?
"Oh, I f-f-felt the thunderous might.
"Hurl'd, headlong down from the ethereal height, breathless I fell
"in giddy motions lost, the Sinthians
raised me on the Lemnian coast."
Let me read some more...
Oh, by Jove!
Well, it is almost the same by myself. This fellow knows his Homer.
Please, Claudius, beseech the Emperor to save our lives.
Be silent and obey!
"Dear as you are, if Jove his arm extend,
"I can but grieve, unable to defend."
Look, if the next two lines are apt, then they're saved.
If not, I'll have their throats cut.
If oh what...
"What, oh so daring in your aid to move, or lift his arm against the might of Jove!"
For Jove... Y-Y...
Me?
Ha ha ha!!
Oh, he has an eye for everything. Come on, get up, you're saved.
Saved by Claudius and his ready tongue.
Come on into the other room, I will give you a blanket.
Oh, Cassius?
What is the watchword for tonight, Caesar?
Oh, the watchword for tonight, let me see.
What about,
"give us a kiss"?
Could have been just now.
Could happen tomorrow or the next day, to you or to me.
But do not doubt, it will happen one day.
Did that surprise you, the watchword that I gave to Cassius?
Oh, I thought it was a j-j-joke.
It was!
But it was my joke, not his.
I do it to annoy.
Every time he addresses a commander of the guard, he has to say, "give us a kiss".
Yesterday I gave him, "Touch me, Titus".
Why, if I may ask,
do you do that?
Because he is a cry-baby. Cassius?
I thought he was the bravest soldier in the army.
Oh, so did I, but he's not.
I had him torture Gitunicus to get some information.
We got no information out of him, and he died under torture.
One of the guards told me that Cassius wept.
Well, I was going to give him Macro's command, but I certainly didn't after that.
How many hours a night do you sleep?
Sleep? Er... Eight or n-n-nine, I suppose.
Well, I sleep barely three. Do gods need more?
Do you think I'm mad?
M-m-mad? Yes, sometimes I think I'm going mad.
Be honest with me, has that thought ever crossed your mind?
Never...never.
The idea is p-p-preposterous.
You set the standard of s-s-sanity for the whole world.
In that case, why is all this galloping in my head, and why do I sleep so little?
Well, it is all mortal disguise,
you see. The physical body is a great strain, if you're not used to it.
Which a god isn't.
That explains, too,
I think,
the three hours' sleep.
You see, undisguised gods never sleep at all.
Yes, you're probably right.
But then, if I am a god, which of course I am, then
why didn't I think of that?
Anyway, whatever the reason, it's very hard to be a god.
Oh, you do know that I'm that all powerful god whose coming the Jews have prophesied
for centuries? Oh, yes, yes you told me.
I feel very privileged to have received that information.
Especially as the
Jews, apparently, don't know it.
Yes, but it's prophesied that he'll die young and be hated by his own people.
No, I can't believe that.
No, not hated.
It's incredible, isn't it?
It must be true.
Uncle, I want you to come with us on this expedition.
When we've auctioned the stuff in the carts, when they arrive,
we shall cross the Rhine, defeat the Germans, and then we shall march
towards the sea and I shall do battle with my old enemy, Neptune.
Oh, what triumphs I shall have when we return to Rome.
Now, you may leave me, I have a headache.
BUGLES BLARE
Your Emperor is amongst you once again.
All his wars successfully concluded, and the victorious armies brought
back to Rome.
He had thought, in his divine innocence,
that the roads might be lined with cheering crowds.
He had thought that the streets might be strewn with flowers.
He had thought that there might be messages to greet him, telling
him of triumphs to be awarded.
And what did he find?
This conqueror of the Germans, this victor over the mighty Neptune?
The streets empty of crowds and flowers.
No triumphs awarded, no games, no celebrations,
but three miserable old ex-consuls waiting at the gates to greet him,
and a roomful of cowardly stay-at-home senators
who spend all their time in the theatre and at the baths,
while he has spent six months living no better than a private soldier!
Hence...
your Emperor has returned,
but with this in his hand!
But, Jove, you ordered no triumphs.
Well of course I ordered no triumphs! Do you think I'd order triumphs for myself?
But you ordered us not to order any.
Yes, and you took me at my word, didn't you!
Typical!
It didn't occur to you that I might be leaving it up to you for
your love to show itself freely?
It didn't occur to you that it might be my natural humility speaking?
I ordered you not to celebrate.
But you ordered celebrations for the anniversary of Actium, didn't you?
Didn't forget to celebrate the defeat of my great-grandfather
Marc Antony?
How many bottles of wine did you
open, toasting his murder while I was doing battle with the sea?
Show them our booty!
Show them the plunder we gathered from old Neptune.
Seashells?
Yes, spoils of the sea.
Loot from old Neptune.
He won't take me on again in a hurry!
Jove, while you were away we built a new temple to you on Palatine Hill.
That won't save you!
Down on your knees, all of you!
Bend your heads. I shall sever each one at the neck.
Merciful God! Would you spoil the great day of your return
by the spilling of blood?
When they come to write the history of this memorable day,
should they have to mix it with the memory of the death of these fools?
Claudius is right, my lord.
My husband.
Think of your little daughter.
One day when she is older, she will read the account of your return.
Must these fools intrude on such a glorious page of history?
Your soft words
have appeased my wrath.
As we know,
prayer can soften the hearts of gods.
You may go.
I shall inspect the temple in the morning.
How right you were, Jove, to think of punishing them for celebrating the Battle of Actium.
Well, you see, Marcus, I had them both ways.
If they hadn't, they would have insulted the god Augustus, my grandfather, who won the battle.
Agrippa was also there, and was your other grandfather...
Marcus Vinicius,
you are no longer my friend.
What have I said?
You reminded him that Agrippa was his grandfather.
But Agrippa was a great man! Yes, but of very low birth.
Such men do not produce gods, Marcus.
Certainly not one that's capable of
d-d-defeating N-Neptune.
If you're no longer his friend,
what can you be but his enemy?
Go your own way, Cassius!
If we all go our own way,
we shall all end by going the same way.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Yes, I'm coming.
Yes, yes. I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!
Claudius, don't go.
They could be assassins.
Who are you? What do you want?
You're wanted at the palace.
Is that you, Cassius? Yes. Hurry up.
What's the matter?
My orders are to fetch you at once.
Marcus Vinicius and Asprenas too.
Never mind about dressing, just throw on a cloak.
How long have we been sitting here, do you think?
About two hours.
Must be nearly light.
What you think he's going to do with us? I don't know.
I just hope it's quick, that's all.
Claudius, I'm sorry I've made fun of you in the past.
It doesn't m-m-matter now.
Will you give me your hand?
Thank you, that's a great comfort.
CYMBAL CRASHES
MUSIC BEGINS
# Whene'er the god of Night sleeps on
# The rosy-fingered goddess Dawn
# Tiptoes on his domain
# And hence she flits across the sky from star to star
# She lightens darkness where she flies
# And blows night's candles out
# Raging on her heels, Night treads
# And tries to hold her fast
# And bring her loveliness to bed
# And ravish her at last
# And every night
# He once but tries to win a single kiss
# To win a single kiss
# Before the morning sun
# Night will rob him of his prince
# And now she turns
# And Night he treads
# On hills everywhere
# She must awaken from their bed
# The secret lovers there
# But loathe to hurt They linger there
# She hurtles them away
# But oh, the Goddesses
# Must hear We worship you each day
# We worship you each day. #
Oh, god of gods!
Never have I witnessed a dance
that gave me such p-p-profound spiritual joy!
Did you like it? It was indescribable!
Well, it was only a rehearsal.
Oh, whatever will the finished performance be like?!
Get up.
Come here.
What did you think of the girl?
Oh, beautiful.
You old lecher!
Bring the girl back!
I'm going to marry her to you tomorrow!
T-t-to me?
It would be very funny.
All that loveliness married to a silly, crippled old fool like you!
What on earth would you do with it?!
Oh, Messalina! Come here.
I'm going to marry you...
to Uncle Claudius!
And you can both come and live in the palace!
Thank you, Caesar.
Now, I must away to shed more light.
Oh yeah, the watchword tonight.
Bottom's up!
HE LAUGHS
I'll give you another watchword!
Liberty!
I-I-I-I-I'm sorry.
Don't you want to marry me?
Well, I...
It's just that I'm so much older than you.
I'd be very happy to be married to you.
To tell you the truth, I was terrified when he brought me here.
I thought he was going to...
I'd feel safe being married to you.
Do you think you could ever love me?
I think...
I'm in...
l-l-love with you already.
Well, if I'm to be married tomorrow, I must go home and get ready.
Goodbye, Claudius.
G-G-G-G-G-G...
Goodbye!
Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, his family and friends.
Welcome, Tiberius Claudius Drusus Nero Germanicus, to you, your family and your friends.
I thank you, Messalina, for my family and my friends.
And I thank you for myself.
The noble senator, Incitatus.
You know everybody, don't you?
Find yourself a place.
He's never been to a wedding before.
His life has really opened up since I made him a senator.
Let the auspices be taken.
Kill him!
We've talked enough. I say kill him.
It's risky.
You can't kill a man without taking a risk.
Those German guards never leave him.
There's always a way.
But are you with us?
Or will you wait until he offers you poisoned fruit or has your throat cut?
It's all right for you - you're a soldier.
Yeah. You can leave the killing to me,
but will you help?
He's right, Marcus.
The longer we leave it the more
certain it is we shan't survive.
All right, but when and where?
Tomorrow is the final day of the Games.
Let's do it then.
Where?
There's a covered way
at the rear of the Imperial Box.
It's an exit you must persuade him to use.
How? Find a reason.
Tell him there are crowds out front and that they'll delay his meal.
He'll have his German guards with him.
Yeah, now here's the tricky part.
Sabinus and I will be waiting outside.
You'll be in the box with Caligula and a few friends.
Normally, he would lead the way out, followed by his friends and the guards.
The staircase down to the covered way is narrow.
You must be sure to be behind Caligula.
As he steps out into the covered way, you must stumble or drop something,
anything to give us time to slam the gates from the outside
and separate Caligula from the guards.
That's all you have to do.
And then what?
We call on the Senate to declare a republic
and put an end to this madness.
Who dies with Caligula?
The whole Imperial family.
Caesonia, the child, the two sisters,
and dear old Uncle Claudius and his new wife.
No, I don't want that.
We must! Whatever they think of Caligula, they won't rest
until they've removed his assassins.
None of us would be safe afterwards.
It's Caligula alone, or not at all.
All right, just Caligula.
Liberty.
And the Republic!
I don't like it. It's dangerous to leave the others alive.
We shan't. I'll see to that, don't worry.
If they're in for Caligula, they're in for the lot.
CROWD CHEERS
Oh, damn!
I've lost all my money! Not playing any more.
Here my Lord, let me lend you some.
Lend? You know how I hate running up debts.
Oh. Well, HAVE half of my set.
Why am I so unlucky today?
Unless of course it's your dice we're playing with?
My dice? Why should my dice be any different from any other?
Well, a dice is a very personal thing -
one man's dice might be lucky for himself and not for his friend.
Here, my Lord, try these.
They were sent to me by Herod.
He claims they once belonged to Alexander the G-G-Great.
Really? I had no idea that Alexander played dice.
He had so many things in common with you, Lord.
CROWD CHEER
What is it?
He's got the Thracian down.
The crowd want him spared, they've turned their thumbs up.
CROWD BOOS
He only had one neck. I'd hack it through.
That Thracian has lost me a lot of money over the last year.
Alexander you say? Well, let's see.
By jove!
That looks promising.
Come on, pay up everybody!
I think I'm indebted to you uncle, you've changed my luck.
Some dice are fit only for gods to throw.
What about something to eat?
Is Caesar hungry?
No!
Oh!
I see what you mean! These dice were made for me.
Come on, pay up again.
You did me a lot of harm with those dice, Marcus.
And I'm raising the stakes to 3,000.
I've run out of money, Lord.
It doesn't matter - your new wife's got plenty. I'll take an IOU.
I've posted guards at both ends and told them to prevent anyone coming through here.
He'll be out soon.
I've dismissed the palace guards.
They're all at the Games.
Will you strike the first blow?
Jove himself couldn't stop me.
Well I can see you don't want to play anymore. You only like
playing when you're winning.
Shall we watch the Games for a while?
What about a swim and then something to eat? I don't think so.
I don't feel very hungry today, but I've had a wonderful morning,
thanks to you. Is there any small favour I could grant you? Oh Lord,
please regard it as a small return for the great happiness you've given me with my new wife.
Happiness?! It wasn't supposed to make you happy, nor you her.
It was meant to be a joke. Oh no, you misunderstand me.
I'm so clumsy at expressing myself.
What I meant was that my happiness comes from contemplating yours.
To be the cause of so much merriment
is the source of deepest satisfaction to me.
Where are you going, Marcus?
To tell the truth, Lord, nature calls.
It must have something I ate last night. Don't look at me.
If i'd decided to doctor your food you wouldn't have to wait until morning to find out.
That's odd - he wanted to eat a moment ago.
His behaviour is very strange lately. Strange?
Nervous. What's he got to be nervous about?
We're all nervous in your presence, Lord.
I've never been able to understand.
Excuse me... thank you.
He doesn't want to eat. We'll have to put it off, it won't work.
Then I'll go in and kill him where
he sits... Ceasar will cut you down.
What's that to me?
But I'll call on you for help before they do.
No, wait!
I'll tell him his Greek ballet have arrived.
He'll come out for that.
Anything, but get him out here!
Lord, Cassius informs me your Greek ballet is here.
Greek ballet? Where are they?
Waiting outside to greet you.
Bring them in and present them. Just the boys, the girls can wait.
Lord, they say they have prepared a dance in your honour which they wish to perform for you outside.
Oh, in that case, we must not disappoint them.
Shall we go and see what they've prepared?
Lord, they're waiting at the rear. The front is too full of people.
Well, if they're as good as people say they are,
I might let them dance for me.
INDISTINCT SPEECH
The watchword, butcher, is liberty!
HE SCREAMS IN PAIN
No, you can't, I'm a god! You can't kill...
Drusilla!
I'm dying, Drusilla!
Finish him!
This from our wives, Jove.
You fools! You let them get him!
Your Empire! After them!
BABY CRIES
Oh, Cassius! Cassius, what's happened? Where's everybody gone?
BABY CRIES
Lord, the baby!
SHE SCREAMS
SHE GRUNTS IN PAIN
SHOUTING
There's some stuff in here. Hurry up, lads.
Take what you can and let's get out before the Germans come.
Just get anything you can take.
Hey, sergeant? Yeah.
Here's one of them.
It's one of the assassins.
Don't kill me, sir.
I had nothing to do with it.
You bastard.
Kill our beloved Emperor, would you?
Put us all out of work...
Wait a minute! That's not an assassin.
It's the Emperor's uncle, Germanicus' brother.
He's harmless. Leave him alone, can't you see he's crippled? Get up.
You see, the lads are a bit angry, sir.
Without an emperor there's no Pretorian Guard
and it's back to the army for the lot of us.
I must go and find my wife. 'Course you must, sir. Claudus!
Take a couple of the lads and go with this gentleman.
Why can't we have him for an emperor? What?
Old Claudius? Don't be stupid, lad. He's a simpleton, he's...
I don't know, he's better than nothing.
SHOUTING AND JEERING
I don't want to be Emperor!
I'd like to...
You, a member of the Imperial Family, sir?
Don't make me laugh.
Eh, lads, we've found an emperor.
Wait a minute!
Just a minute, Herman.
That's our new emperor.
Kaiser!
EMPEROR!
Ja? Ja...
Lift him up, lads. Long live the Emperor Claudius!
Put me down.
Put me down!
Don't worry, sir, you'll get used it.
It's not such a bad life.
Put this on him.
Put me down! I don't want to be an emperor. I'm from the republic...
Don't keep saying that sir, not in front of the Germans!
they'll slit your throat. Now come on, smile.
Smile, that's it, look at me.
Long live the Emperor!
ALL: Long live the emperor! Long live the emperor!
Long live the emperor!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2006
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk