1 00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:05,472 WELL, SENATOR, REPUBLICANS FACE AN UPHILL BATTLE ON 2 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:11,511 TUESDAY. I KNOW. I KNOW. 3 00:00:11,511 --> 00:00:16,216 OBAMA WAS JUST IN GEORGIA CAMPAIGNING FOR THE OTHER GUY. DID YOU SEE IT? 4 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:22,689 IT WAS LIKE A COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST UP THERE. I FIGURE I COULD USE SOME 5 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:28,261 HELP. SEND HIM IN. HERSCHEL WALKER. 6 00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:33,700 HEY, THERE. MS. McDONALD. I'M SORRY I'M LATE. 7 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:38,872 I WAS HAVING TOO MUCH FUN IN THAT FREE MERRY GO ROUND YOU HAVE OUT FRONT. 8 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:44,644 THAT'S A REVOLVING DOOR. WELL, GREAT JOB ON YOUR CAMPAIGN, HER SHELL. 9 00:00:44,644 --> 00:00:50,050 YES, EXCELLENT. YOU REMEMBER JON CORNYN. NO. 10 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:56,856 AND OF COURSE MARSHA BLACKBURN, SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE. 11 00:00:56,856 --> 00:01:06,633 OH, YOUR HEINESS. WELL, THE MIDTERMS WASN'T THE RED WAVE WE WERE HOPING FOR, BUT 12 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:09,436 WE WERE HOPING YOU COULD WIN THIS TUESDAY. YEAH. 13 00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:15,208 YOU GOT THIS BIG PRIMARY COMING UP. WELL, MY EX-WIFE SAID ALL I 14 00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:20,447 DO IS RUN OFF. NO, HERSCHEL, THE GEORGIA RUNOFF. 15 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:25,719 IT'S CLOSE. HOW CLOSE? SO CLOSE. 16 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:35,829 WARNOCK IS POLLING AT 59.4%. YOU ARE POLLING AT 49.1. WELL, THE FIRST PRIORITY IS 17 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:41,001 TO FIGURE OUT WHICH IS BIGGER. WELL, THE ELECTION IS TUESDAY. 18 00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:46,740 THEY HAVE ALREADY STARTED COUNTING THE VOTES MY MAIL. YOU GOT TO REMEMBER. 19 00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,876 THEY STILL GOT TO COUNT THE VOTES BY FEMALE. SURE. 20 00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:56,416 WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE THIS RUNOFF IS REALLY IMPORTANT. WE COULD REALLY USE THE WIN 21 00:01:56,416 --> 00:02:04,290 RIGHT NOW. YOU CAN COUNT ON ME. I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLE GUM. 22 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:09,195 WE WANT TO BE REALLY CAREFUL, AND YOU'VE HAD SOME SCHEDULES ALREADY. 23 00:02:09,195 --> 00:02:16,436 IS THERE ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW IN THE FINAL STRETCH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 24 00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:20,740 MAYBE BAD THINGS FROM YOUR PAST THAT MAYBE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YET. 25 00:02:20,740 --> 00:02:22,342 YES. DEFINITELY. SO MANY. 26 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:28,348 WELL, I HATE TO ASK, BUT CAN YOU TELL US SOME OF THEM? LET ME SEE. 27 00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:35,121 WHERE DO I START. SO THERE'S THIS PRETTY LADY THAT WORKS AT THE McDONALD'S, RIGHT? 28 00:02:35,121 --> 00:02:43,630 SO I WENT DOWN THERE -- ANYWAY, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP IT, SO I DROVE HER DOWN TO THE PLANNED 29 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:49,536 PARENT TRAP. WOW. THAT'S A LOT. 30 00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:54,874 THIS MIGHT BE TOUGH. DON'T WORRY. I'M FEELING VERY CONFIDENT ABOUT 31 00:02:54,874 --> 00:03:00,246 THIS ERECTION. DON'T YOU MEAN ELECTION? I DO NOT. 32 00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:04,451 MAYBE IN THE FINAL PUSH, LET'S LAY LOW AND FOCUS ON THE MESSAGE. 33 00:03:04,451 --> 00:03:09,756 EXACTLY. JUST LIKE KANYE. NO, NO, NO. 34 00:03:09,756 --> 00:03:20,400 ON THE ISSUES PEOPLE CARE ABOUT, INFLATION, CRIME -- VAMPIRES, WEREWOLF, WE GOING 35 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,738 TO BE LOOKING INTO ALL THAT. RIGHT. SO MAYBE NONE OF THAT. 36 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:30,243 REALLY? BECAUSE THAT'S LIKE 90% OF MY NEXT SPEECH. 37 00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:35,949 RIGHT. COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE? OH, SURE. 38 00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:43,289 YOU CAN TOSS A BLANKET RIGHT OVER MEE, AND I'LL FALL ASLEEP. THAT SOUNDS GREAT. 39 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:50,730 NIGHT NIGHT. WELL DONE. JUST TO BE CLEAR, LAST HOPE 40 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:54,868 TO WIN THIS YEAR IS HERSCHEL WALKER? YEAH. 41 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:58,505 SO PLAN B? I DON'T THINK WE HAVE NO CHOICE. 42 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:05,345 EXCUSE ME. COME ON, GIRL. DON'T TRADE THAT IN FOR NO BIG 43 00:04:05,345 --> 00:04:09,849 MAC. I'M SORRY. CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING VERY 44 00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:14,154 EXCITING? OH, YEAH, SURE. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK IN 45 00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:18,692 THERE. OH, WOW. LOOK IT'S A LITTLE ROOM. 46 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:24,964 THAT'S RIGHT. USED TO BE MY PANIC ROOM. NOW IT'S ALL YOURS, JUST UNTIL 47 00:04:24,964 --> 00:04:28,735 ELECTION DAY. WHY AM I ALREADY IN THERE? THAT'S A MIRROR. 48 00:04:28,735 --> 00:04:32,339 GO ON AHEAD. YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN THERE. 49 00:04:32,339 --> 00:04:36,242 GET IN THERE. LOOK AT THAT. THEY GOT LUNCHABLES IN THERE AND 50 00:04:36,242 --> 00:04:41,915 EVERYTHING. IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW DAYS, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 51 00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,517 LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT 52 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,869 MUSICAL GUEST, SZA 53 00:06:42,869 --> 00:06:46,573 MUSICAL GUEST, SZA HOST, KEKE PALMER. 54 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:15,535 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 55 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:22,842 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK. 56 00:07:22,842 --> 00:07:30,050 IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, THE TREE IS LIT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT'S SAGITTARIUS SEASON. 57 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:43,196 AND THAT'S GOOD FOR ME BECAUSE I'M VERY INTO ASTROLOGY. AND I KNOW SOME ARE GOING TO SAY 58 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:49,269 IT'S NOT REAL, BUT TO THAT I SAY, HOW'S THAT CRYPTO GOING. THIS HAS BEEN AN AWESOME YEAR 59 00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:54,474 FOR ME. I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD! 60 00:07:54,474 --> 00:08:01,881 THAT PART'S NOT TRUE. BUT IT'S NOT LYING. THAT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU 61 00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:06,519 JUST LEARN TO DO IN THIS BUSINESS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HONEY. 62 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:15,161 I HAVE BEEN ACTING SINCE I WAS NINE YEARS OLD. THE FIRST ROLE I DID WAS IN A 63 00:08:15,161 --> 00:08:24,471 MOVIE. I HAD SO MUCH FUN, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GOT YELLED AT BY LAWRENCE 64 00:08:24,471 --> 00:08:28,375 FINCHBURG. I STARTED LAUGHING AT HIM. I HAD A GOOD REASON. 65 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:34,914 I'M A LITTLE KID WATCHING A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN CRY TO ME ABOUT WINNING A NATIONAL SPELLING BEE. 66 00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:42,055 BUT WHEN I STARTED LAUGHING, HE WAS LIKE, YOU CAN'T DO THIS. THIS IS NOT WHAT REAL ACTORS DO. 67 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:47,927 AND MY MAMA WENT OFF ON HIM, Y'ALL. SHE'S SO CHICAGO, SHE STARTED 68 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:54,267 SCREAMING, I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAS IN THE MATRIX. THIS IS GOOD TIMES. 69 00:08:54,267 --> 00:09:00,073 AND I HONESTLY DO APPRECIATE THAT HE DID. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS INTENSE, HE 70 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:03,677 TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL IN REAL TIME, YOU KNOW. 71 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:10,150 AND I'VE TAKEN LESSONS FROM EVERYONE I'VE WORKED WITH. I RECENTLY GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE 72 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:17,323 ON BEING ON SNL. HE WAS LIKE, KEKE, GET UP ON STAGE, YOU'RE FUNNY. 73 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:24,497 YOU'RE FUNNIER THAN ME. HE DIDN'T EXACTLY SAY THAT, BUT THAT'S WHAT I HEARD. 74 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:30,236 DELUSIONAL QUEEN. I'M ESPECIALLY GLAD TO BE HERE, THOUGH, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME 75 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:36,476 RUMORS GOING AROUND. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN MY COMMENTS SAYING KEKE'S HAVING A BABY, 76 00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:40,347 KEKE'S PREGNANT, AND I WANT TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. I AM! 77 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:58,531 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I GOT TO SAY -- I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH, IT IS BAD WHEN PEOPLE ON 78 00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:03,570 THE INTERNET SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT YOU, BUT IT'S EVEN WORSE WHEN THEY'RE CORRECT. 79 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:10,710 I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON. 80 00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:16,016 PEOPLE KEPT COMING UP TO ME, CONGRATULATIONS. I'M LIKE, S HAD, H, CAN Y'ALL 81 00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:20,086 STOP? I GOT A LIQUOR SPONSORSHIP ON THE LINE. 82 00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:25,225 ONCE THE CHECK CLEARS, WE CAN GET TO THE BAILEY BI. BUT HONESTLY, THIS HAS BEEN THE 83 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:31,598 BIGGEST BLESSING. I'M GOING TO BE A MOM. EVEN THOUGH SOME PEOPLE FEEL A 84 00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:36,703 LITTLE WEIRD ABOUT ME HAVING A BABY BECAUSE I WAS A CHILD ACTOR. 85 00:10:36,703 --> 00:10:43,476 I'M 29, I'M GROWN, I HAVE SEX, A OWN A HOME, I STORMED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6th, YOU 86 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:47,981 KNOW, THINGS ADULTS DO. I'M KID. Y'ALL KNOW I'M THE SAME PERSON 87 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:52,018 I'VE ALWAYS BEEN, AND I'M PROUD OF THAT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I 88 00:10:52,018 --> 00:10:58,491 FIRST GOT INTO COMEDY AND I DREAMED OF STANDING ON THIS STAGE, I ASKED MYSELF, KEKE, WHO 89 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:08,868 WILL YOU BE? WILL YOU BE LIKE A MYA RUDOLPH, EDDIE MURPHY, A CRYSTAL WIG 90 00:11:08,868 --> 00:11:11,504 TYPE? AND NOW THAT I'M HERE, I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHO I AM. 91 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:18,311 I'M KEKE PALMER. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 92 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:29,923 YOU'RE WATCHING THE SOAP CHANNEL. WE NOW RETURN TO A CLASSIC 1984 93 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:39,299 EPISODE, FORCINGTON'S RIDGE. EVERYONE, I HOPE YOU'RE ALL ENJOYING THE CHAMPAGNE. 94 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:45,739 IT'S MADE RIGHT HERE AT FORCINGTON VINEYARDS, AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE 95 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:51,678 RECIPE. OH, ALEXIA, YOUR JOKES LIKE YOUR BRAVE HAR DOS ALWAYS WORK. 96 00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:58,585 SOMEONE'S TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP BEFORE I JUDGE THE POLO HORSE RACE CONTEST THIS AFTERNOON. 97 00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:04,624 OH, I DON'T NEED LUCK. MY HORSE IS HUGE, REALLY BIG. IS IT NOW? 98 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:08,695 I GUESS IT'S MY JOB AS THE JUDGE TO BE THE JUDGE OF THAT BIG HORSE. 99 00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:14,634 NOW, PLEASE, EVERYONE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE GARDEN FOR SOME KAYNATES. 100 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:20,206 AM I SAWING THAT RIGHT? LEAD THE WAY, MY DEAR. NO, I THINK I'LL HANG BACK 101 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:25,912 FOR A MOMENT. I NEED TO ADJUST MY BREASTS IN THIS BIG MIRROR. 102 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:32,552 THEY'RE PERFECT. HELLO, ALEXIA. WELL, SANDRINE, YOU WAITED 103 00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:37,824 FOR MY MIRROR SHOT. WELL, WITH YOUR VANITY AND WANDERING BREASTS, I KNEW JUST 104 00:12:37,824 --> 00:12:41,528 WHERE TO FIND YOU. I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD AN INVITE. 105 00:12:41,528 --> 00:12:49,636 MAYBE YOU FORGOT TO SEND IT LIKE YOU DIDN'T FORGET NOT TO FALACIATE MY HUSBAND EVERY DAY. 106 00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:54,641 WELL, YOU SAID THAT WRONG, BUT I DID DO IT, AND I'LL DO IT EVERY DAY. 107 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:59,312 WELL, MY MOUTH IS EXIT ONLY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN MY HOME? 108 00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:06,152 OH, YOUR HOME? YOU DIDN'T HEAR? I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR SECRET 109 00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:10,290 PROPOSAL, AND I FOUND SOME PLACE TO GO TO WHEN I HAVE GUESTS OVER. 110 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:25,605 YOU BITCH. TAKES ONE TO BE ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THAT! 111 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:36,750 LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I REALLY FEEL. YOU ALMOST SMEARED MY LIPSTICK. 112 00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:39,853 YES. WHAT IS THAT SHADE CALLED ANYWAY? 113 00:13:39,853 --> 00:13:49,329 DESPERATE HAG? WHEN I GET OVER THERE, I'M GONNA -- 114 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:54,300 LET ME DOWN! WITH PLEASURE. RIGHT OVER THERE. 115 00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:59,539 OH, THAT ALMOST HURT. HOW DELIGHTED WHEN YOUR FACE HIT MY TABLE. 116 00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:04,177 IT'S MY TABLE NOW. REMEMBER? SO I LOVED IT AS MUCH AS YOU'RE 117 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:17,157 GOING TO LOVE THE TASTE OF MY FISTS. OH. 118 00:14:17,157 --> 00:14:29,969 OUCH. ALEXIA, SANDRINE, MY GOD, I CERTAINLY HOPE THIS VIOLENCE 119 00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:35,608 ISN'T ABOUT WHO'S FALACIATING ME. BY THE WAY, TIKTOK. 120 00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:40,113 NO, DARLING, THIS IS ABOUT SOMETHING MUCH, MUCH BIGGER. OKAY. 121 00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:47,420 I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A DIG AT ME. YOU TWO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 50 YEAR. 122 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:51,591 15. YEAH, SURE. BUT HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW. 123 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:55,628 THIS IS NO WAY FOR TWO FRIENDS TO BEHAVE. FRIENDS? 124 00:14:55,628 --> 00:15:00,800 WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. BUSINESS PARTNERS THEN? BUSINESS PARTNERS. 125 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:08,274 WITH MY FINANCIAL ABILITIES AND YOUR CHAMPAGNE RECIPE, WE WOULD BE UNSTOP ZBLBL THAT MIGHT 126 00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:12,912 BE THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. SHALL WE TALK THROUGH THE 127 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:22,889 DETAILS OVER LUNCH? YES, WE SHOULD. YOU COMING 128 00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:33,667 WHEN I HAVE A RIDE, Y'ALL, TEMPERATURES DROPPING. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 129 00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:39,639 IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR WE FIND A MAN TO KEEP US WARM THROUGH THESE COLD MONTHS. 130 00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:50,150 BUT NOT JUST ANY MAN WILL DO. WE OUT HERE LOOKING FOR SOME -- BIG BOYS. 131 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:56,556 * IT'S A DECISION, IT'S A REASON TO GET A BIG BOY, I NEED A BIG BOY. 132 00:15:56,556 --> 00:16:11,805 GIVE ME A BIG BOY * * IT'S ALL THE GIRLS ARE LEAVING TO GET A BIG BOY * 133 00:16:11,805 --> 00:16:18,878 * I NEED A BIG BOY WITH POLAR BEAR ARMS, KEEPS ME SNOW IN THE WINTER SNOWSTORM * 134 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:25,552 * HE BRING IN MY GROCERIES IN JUST ONE TRIP * * WHEN THE SUN COMES BACK, I 135 00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:38,331 NEED A BIG BOY HOTTY, MAKES HIS OWN HEAT WITH A BIG BOY BODY * * BIG BOY WITH A BIG OLD BACK, A 136 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:47,273 CALIFORNIA KING, REFRIGERATOR STACKED * * BUTTER BACON, CHEESE, AND 137 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:54,981 LASAGNA IN THE TRAY * * AND I HOPE HE ASKS ME TO BE HIS WINTER WIFE BECAUSE MESSING 138 00:16:54,981 --> 00:17:00,553 WITH A BIG BOY WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE * * IT'S CUPPING SEASON, IT'S ALL 139 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:11,097 THE GIRLS NEED A BIG BOY, I WANT A BIG BOY, GIMME A BIG BOY * * I NEED A BIG BOY BODY LIKE A 140 00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:17,404 BOUNCER, BIG MOUTH BREATHER AND LEGS LIKE A MONSTER * * GET IN THE BED AND HE GOING TO 141 00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:25,412 DO ME RIGHT, GET IN THE BED AND HE SNORE ALL NIGHT * * AND THEN HE STOPS * 142 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:33,053 BABE? DID THIS MAN JUST DIE? * ANYTHING I NEED, MY BIG BOY 143 00:17:33,053 --> 00:17:37,257 GOT IT * * IF I NEED A SNACK, HE GOT SNICKERS IN HIS POCKET * 144 00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:44,764 * BIG BOYHOODDY, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO ROCK IT * * AND IF WE TRAVEL, YOU KNOW WE 145 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:51,571 GOING IN FIRST CLASS BECAUSE HE DON'T FIT IN THE BACK * * HEY, BIG BOYS, GO BIG BOYS, I 146 00:17:51,571 --> 00:18:02,015 LIKE THE BIG BOYS * * WHAT ABOUT GIRLS? I LIKE GIRLS, BUT THEY CAN'T 147 00:18:02,015 --> 00:18:08,555 KEEP ME WARM. * ALL I DO IS WORK AND STRESS AND I COULD USE A BIG BOY SO I 148 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:15,462 COULD JUST RELAX * * HE CAN HAVE THEM LOVE HANDLES IN THE FRONT AND IN THE BACK * 149 00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:24,704 * IF WE TALKING GIRLS, I LIKE MY GIRLS BIG * * IT'S CUPPING SEASON, IT'S NOW 150 00:18:24,704 --> 00:18:32,545 WE GOT A REASON TO GET A BIG BOY, I WANT A BIG BOY, GIMME A BIG BOY. 151 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:38,051 WE OUT HERE LADIES. WE THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. THESE BEARS DON'T HIBERNATE IN 152 00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:44,424 THE WINTER. YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND US. WE'LL BE SHOVELING SNOW IN 153 00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:50,330 WE'LL BE SHOVELING SNOW IN SHORTS. * BIG-BA-BIG BOYS * 154 00:18:53,333 --> 00:18:57,771 HAVE YOU EVER DATED THE RAPPER DRAKE? HAVE YOU EVER MET DRAKE AT A 155 00:18:57,771 --> 00:19:05,879 PARTY, TALKED ON INSTAGRAM? OR EVEN MADE FLIRTY EYE CONTACT WITH HIM AT A 156 00:19:05,879 --> 00:19:08,715 RESTAURANT. IF THE ANSWER IS YES, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 157 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:13,620 THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF US. AND YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO BENEFITS. 158 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:22,395 FOR TOO LONG, WE HAVE WITNESSED AUBREY DRAKE GRAHAM WRITE HIT AFTER HIT ABOUT WOMEN 159 00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:27,133 WHO HAVE WRONGED HIM ONLY TO EARN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. WELL, TODAY, HER LOSS IS OUR 160 00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:37,377 GAIN. BECAUSE WE, THE THOUSANDS OF DRAKE'S EXES AND SHAWTYS HAVE 161 00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:44,351 VOTED TO JOIN FORCES. AND OFFICIALLY UNIONIZE AS THE UNITED TINGS OF AUBREY. 162 00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:54,794 IT IS TIME WE STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR OUR RIGHTS AS TINGS IN A UNITED FRONT. 163 00:19:54,794 --> 00:20:03,203 MY NAME IS COURTNEY. I LEFT DRAKE A VOICE MAIL ONCE ABOUT AN OVERDUE CAR PAYMENT, 164 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:08,074 AND NOW I'M AN INTERLUDE ON AN ALBUM. HOW DOES THAT WORK? 165 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:24,791 I SERVED DRAKE SOME LETTUCE WRAPS IN '09, AND APPARENTLY I'M HIS EX NOW. 166 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:36,102 DRAKE HIM HIT ON ME DAVE AND BUSTERS ONCE, I TOLD HIM I WAS A LESBIAN, AND HE SAID ME TOO. 167 00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:43,309 MY NAME IS KEKE PALMER, AND THAT KEKE DO YOU LOVE ME SONG RUINED MY LIFE. 168 00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:49,916 EVERYONE WAS ASKING, ARE YOU THAT KEKE? YES, I'M THE KEKE, NOT THAT 169 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:55,722 KEKE. DRAKE SENT ME A BOBBY HILL GIFT ON INSTAGRAM ONCE. 170 00:20:55,722 --> 00:21:06,733 I SAID, WHO IS THAT. NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M THAT GOOFY SHAWTY THAT CURVED HIM. 171 00:21:06,733 --> 00:21:12,906 WE MAY HAVE STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM, BUT WE STILL HERE. TO BE CLEAR, A UNION 172 00:21:12,906 --> 00:21:19,145 MEMBERSHIP IS NOT DEPENDENT ON DATING DRAKE. YOU MAY QUALIFY AS ONE OF 173 00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:26,186 AUBREY'S TINGS IF YOU MET DRAKE AT A BASKETBALL GAME, MET DRAKE AT A CLUB, SAW DRAKE AT A CLUB, 174 00:21:26,186 --> 00:21:37,464 BEEN TO A CLUB AT ALL. HAVE DINED AT THE FOLLOWING RESTAURANTS, RUTH'S CHRIS STEAK 175 00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:46,773 HOUSE. NOBU, NOBU, NOBU. BUT HERE, AT UNITED TINGS OF 176 00:21:46,773 --> 00:21:52,746 AUBREY, WE BELIEVE IN A BRIGHTER FUTURE. ONE WHERE TINGS CAN BE LEFT 177 00:21:52,746 --> 00:21:59,586 ALONE. AND YOUR NAME STAYS OUT OF DRAKE'S MOUTH. 178 00:21:59,586 --> 00:22:14,601 * 525,600 TINGS * * LIKE WOMEN WHO LIVE IN MEMPHIS * 179 00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:24,678 * IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'VE MET HIM AT ALL * * BECAUSE YOU * 180 00:22:24,678 --> 00:22:27,347 MET HIM AT ALL * * BECAUSE YOU * UNITED TINGS OF AUBREY. 181 00:22:36,923 --> 00:22:43,129 HERE AT NEW YORK CITY'S FIRST-EVER HELLO KITTY STORE. WHO'S EXCITED? 182 00:22:43,129 --> 00:22:46,833 LET'S DO IT. I LOVE HELLO KITTY. ME TOO. 183 00:22:46,833 --> 00:22:52,439 DREAM JOB ALERT. NOW, AS EMPLOYEES, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO ANSWER ANY 184 00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:59,479 QUESTIONS ABOUT SAN RIO'S OFFICIAL HELLO KITTY STORY. SO IF YOU OPEN UP TO PAGE 185 00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:05,819 FIVE, YOU'LL SEE A LIST OF FACTS ABOUT HELLO KITTY. SHE LOVES TO BAKE COOKIES, SHE 186 00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:12,459 LOVES TO GO TO SCHOOL, AND SHE'S NOT A CAT, SHE'S A HUMAN LITTLE GIRL. 187 00:23:12,459 --> 00:23:14,928 OH, INTERESTING. I NEVER KNEW THAT. NO. 188 00:23:14,928 --> 00:23:20,066 YEAH. IT'S A FUN FACT, RIGHT? ISN'T THIS A SWEET ONE. 189 00:23:20,066 --> 00:23:29,576 HELLO KITTY'S FAVORITE FOOD IS MAMA'S APPLE PIE. WHY DID YOU SAY HELLO KITTY 190 00:23:29,576 --> 00:23:37,817 IS A LITTLE GIRL? BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE CREATORS, IT WAS A HUMAN LITTLE 191 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:41,888 GIRL. SO YOU'RE TELLING ME IF YOU HAD A BABY COMING OUT LOOKING 192 00:23:41,888 --> 00:23:46,326 LIKE HELLO KITTY, YOU WOULD THINK THAT WAS A REAL BABY? I WOULD TELL THE DOCTOR TO 193 00:23:46,326 --> 00:23:52,365 THROW IT AWAY. MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON. HELLO KITTY IS IN THE THIRD 194 00:23:52,365 --> 00:23:56,836 GRADE, AND FUN FACT, SHE LIVES IN LONDON. WICKED, ISN'T IT? 195 00:23:56,836 --> 00:24:02,709 CHEERIO. OH, GOOD. SHE ALSO HAS A BOYFRIEND, DEAR 196 00:24:02,709 --> 00:24:10,483 DANIEL, AND UNLIKE HELLO KITTY, HE ACTUALLY IS A CAT. SO THE GIRL IS A PERSON, BUT 197 00:24:10,483 --> 00:24:15,655 THE ONE IN THE SUIT AND TIE IS A CAT? YEAH. 198 00:24:15,655 --> 00:24:18,558 YES. OKAY. THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME. 199 00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:27,801 AND THEY'RE DATING, SO YOU'RE TELLING US THESE ARE BARE BACKS? WE DON'T TALK THAT WAY IN SAN 200 00:24:27,801 --> 00:24:32,072 RIO. I'M SORRY. SH S THIS NOT CRAZY TO YOU GUYS? 201 00:24:32,072 --> 00:24:38,845 I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS JOB. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN INSANE 202 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:46,086 PLACE TO GET HIGH. HELLO KITTY LOVES CANDY. SHE WEIGHS FIVE DOLLS, THREE 203 00:24:46,086 --> 00:24:51,324 APPLES. SHE'S MEASURED IN APPLES? SHE'S ALSO IN 3rd GRADE. 204 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:58,098 SHE WAS BORN IN 1974. YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE'S A 48-YEAR-OLD THIRD GRADER WHO'S 205 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:03,036 FLAPPING CHEEKS WITH THE CAT NO JIMMY? NO. 206 00:25:03,036 --> 00:25:09,642 WE DON'T TALK ABOUT CLAPPING CHEEKS AT SAN RIO. SHE LOVES MILK. 207 00:25:09,642 --> 00:25:14,314 HER FAVORITE SHOES ARE SANDALS. WHAT'S HER RACE? WHAT? 208 00:25:14,314 --> 00:25:19,352 WHAT'S HELLO KITTY'S RACE? SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. OH! 209 00:25:19,352 --> 00:25:25,625 YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH THAT ONE? SHE HAS AN AGE, HEIGHT, PET, AND 210 00:25:25,625 --> 00:25:30,163 RELATIONSHIP, BUT SHE'S RACELESS? IF SHE CAN BE ANYTHING, SAY 211 00:25:30,163 --> 00:25:32,232 SHE'S BLACK. I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME? 212 00:25:32,232 --> 00:25:38,638 SAY THAT LITTLE WHITE GIRL IS BLACK. NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO 213 00:25:38,638 --> 00:25:42,475 THAT. DO YOU LIKE THIS? CONFUSING US WITH YOUR LIES 214 00:25:42,475 --> 00:25:48,782 ABOUT HELLO KITTY HAVING SEX AND HOW BIG APPLES ARE? BECAUSE WE ONLY RECOGNIZE ONE 215 00:25:48,782 --> 00:25:53,753 BIG APPLE, NEW YORK, THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD, AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUIN IT. 216 00:25:53,753 --> 00:26:03,096 WHO'S WITH US? I AM. I AM TOO. 217 00:26:03,096 --> 00:26:10,704 BECAUSE I AM NEW YORK. AND I AM NEW YORK. AND IF YOU MESS WITH HELLO 218 00:26:10,704 --> 00:26:21,881 KITTY, YOU MESS WITH NEW YORK. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HELLO KITTY? 219 00:26:21,881 --> 00:26:29,923 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH. JUST TELL US THE TRUTH, LADY. 220 00:26:29,923 --> 00:26:36,896 NATASHA LEON, WHAT DO YOU WANT? THIS IS NEW YORK, SO SAY THAT 221 00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:40,600 HELLO KITTY ISN'T A LITTLE HUMAN GIRL. SAY SHE'S A CAT. 222 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:44,871 OKAY. FINE. SHE'S A CAT. 223 00:26:44,871 --> 00:26:49,876 YEA! YEAH! NOW, COME ON, EVERYBODY. 224 00:26:49,876 --> 00:26:59,486 I GOT US ALL TICKETS TO SEE THE YANKEES ON BROADWAY AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN. 225 00:26:59,486 --> 00:27:06,926 SQUARE GARDEN. HELLO KITTY THE HUMAN? FORGET ABOUT IT. 226 00:27:16,503 --> 00:27:21,775 OH, KENAN THOMPSON, THE LEGEND, MAN. KEKE, YOU HAVING FUN? 227 00:27:21,775 --> 00:27:25,078 YES. I'M WORKING WITH MY IDOL. STOP IT. 228 00:27:25,078 --> 00:27:31,718 NO, NO, I GREW UP WATCHING YOU AS A KID. I ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH 229 00:27:31,718 --> 00:27:36,122 YOU. I ACTUALLY HAVE AN IDEA FOR A PROJECT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO 230 00:27:36,122 --> 00:27:42,629 YOU ABOUT LATER. ANYTHING WITH KEKE PALMER, I'M THERE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. 231 00:27:42,629 --> 00:27:46,332 REALLY? BECAUSE I GOT THIS IDEA FOR A REBOOT 232 00:27:46,332 --> 00:27:57,944 * SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH AND LOOK ON THAT TELLY * * KENAN AND KELLY GON BREAK ALL 233 00:27:57,944 --> 00:28:03,049 THE RULES * I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A STREAMING THEORY. 234 00:28:03,049 --> 00:28:07,187 I WOULD HAVE SAID YES TO KENAN AND KEL, BUT NOW IT'S JUST KELLY. 235 00:28:07,187 --> 00:28:19,265 I TOLD THE PRODUCERS WE WROTE IT TOGETHER. RIGBY NOW HAS FAT SUSHI. 236 00:28:19,265 --> 00:28:32,278 MAYBE TOO FRESH. KELLY, I THINK THAT SALMON YOU CAUGHT MIGHT BE A PIRANNA. 237 00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:44,057 KEL'S FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE WAS UH-OH, HERE IT GOES. BUT HERE'S WAS OH, HERE'S THE 238 00:28:44,057 --> 00:28:46,192 BUTTON. YOU CAN'T KEEP TAKING ORANGE SODAS. 239 00:28:46,192 --> 00:28:55,068 JUST PUT IT ON MY TAB. I'M GOOD FOR IT. OKAY. 240 00:28:55,068 --> 00:29:04,511 $5,000 WORTH OF ORANGE SODAS, KELLY. DON'T YELL AT ME BECAUSE 241 00:29:04,511 --> 00:29:09,683 GUESS WHAT? I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD. KEKE WAS GUNNING FOR AN EMMY 242 00:29:09,683 --> 00:29:13,353 AWARD. SO SHE WANTED TO BRING DRAMATIC MOMENTS IN. 243 00:29:13,353 --> 00:29:23,496 I THOUGHT, THAT WON'T WORK, AND I WAS RIGHT. KELLY, DID YOU FIX THE SLUSH 244 00:29:23,496 --> 00:29:27,200 MACHINE? YEP. TRY IT OUT, KENAN. 245 00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:31,137 DON'T MIND IF I DO. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING ONE FOR WEEKS NOW. 246 00:29:31,137 --> 00:29:39,045 THAT'S ODD. KELLY! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME IT IS 247 00:29:39,045 --> 00:29:41,047 FIXED? YOU ARE SUCH AN -- WHAT? 248 00:29:41,047 --> 00:29:45,385 AN IDIOT? GO AHEAD. SAY IT. 249 00:29:45,385 --> 00:29:50,490 IT AIN'T LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD IT BEFORE. MY MAMA USED TO GET DRUNK EVERY 250 00:29:50,490 --> 00:30:00,166 DAY AND CALL ME AN IDIOT. MY UNCLE TOLD HER TO BLAME ME FOR MY DADDY LEAVING. 251 00:30:00,166 --> 00:30:06,172 ME. HOW YOU GOING TO BLAME A LITTLE GIRL FOR THAT MAN BEING A 252 00:30:06,172 --> 00:30:12,412 COWARD? UH-OH, HERE COMES THE BUTTONS. IT JUST STARTED, AND I THINK 253 00:30:12,412 --> 00:30:15,882 WE HAVE A TONE ISSUE. BUT PEOPLE SEEM EXCITED ABOUT IT, I GUESS. 254 00:30:15,882 --> 00:30:20,153 HEY, KENAN. HEY, DEVON, GOOD JOB ON THE SONG, MAN. 255 00:30:20,153 --> 00:30:24,024 THANK YOU. I CAN DO OTHER STUFF TOO, THOUGH. 256 00:30:24,024 --> 00:30:34,601 CHECK THIS OUT. WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER. THANK YOU. 257 00:30:34,601 --> 00:30:39,939 I THINK WE ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE. HEY, EVERYBODY! 258 00:30:39,939 --> 00:30:48,882 OH, I MISSED YOU. OH, MAN, I MISSED YOU TOO! WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA? 259 00:30:48,882 --> 00:30:57,123 KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA. OH, SWEET BABY. KEL, IT'S BEEN SO LONG, MAN. 260 00:30:57,123 --> 00:31:01,428 WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO? HANDS UP, EVERYBODY, THIS IS A ROBBERY. 261 00:31:01,428 --> 00:31:10,070 GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER. YOU NOT STEALING A DIME, 262 00:31:10,070 --> 00:31:19,479 MR. ROBBER. YOU BEEN WONDERING WHERE I BEEN. I BEEN LEARNING THE ARTS OF 263 00:31:19,479 --> 00:31:23,650 KARATE. KEL! OH, DON'T DIE ON ME, KEL. 264 00:31:23,650 --> 00:31:27,287 NO. DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT. MY BABY NEEDS HIS FATHER. 265 00:31:27,287 --> 00:31:32,225 YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, KENAN. KEL'S THE FATHER. I SLEPT WITH HIM JUST TO HURT 266 00:31:32,225 --> 00:31:40,400 YOU. WHY DO I HURT THE ONES I LOVE THE MOST? 267 00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:48,775 HERE IT COMES. NO! THE SHOW IS NOT GOOD. 268 00:31:48,775 --> 00:31:57,550 THE SHOW IS NOT GOOD. BUT JORDAN PEEL CALLED AND WANTS US TO DO A SEQUEL CALLED YEP. 269 00:32:00,453 --> 00:32:10,797 THE AR BEE'S FIVE FOR TEN. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET FIVE ARBY'S SANDWICHES FOR $5. 270 00:32:10,797 --> 00:32:14,067 THAT'S FIVE STACKED SANDWICHES FOR JUST TEN BUCKS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT 271 00:32:14,067 --> 00:32:18,138 THAT? I GUESS ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS HOW? 272 00:32:18,138 --> 00:32:26,279 YEAH. THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES FOR $10. 273 00:32:26,279 --> 00:32:32,085 IT'S FIVE HEAPING PILES OF TENDER ROAST BEEF FOR ONLY TEN MEASLY DOLLARS. 274 00:32:32,085 --> 00:32:35,188 CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT? HONESTLY, NO. YEAH. 275 00:32:35,188 --> 00:32:41,261 WE'RE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICS OF HOW THIS MUCH ROAST BEEF IS $10. 276 00:32:41,261 --> 00:32:49,669 BECAUSE ISN'T ONE ROAST BEEF SANDWICH NORMALLY AT LEAST $5? I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT $10 277 00:32:49,669 --> 00:32:55,175 COULD GET YOU FIVE MOUNTAINS OF ROAST BEEF. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE 278 00:32:55,175 --> 00:33:01,715 SAYING. WE DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE. I JUST GOOGLED ROAST BEEF 279 00:33:01,715 --> 00:33:08,288 PRICES AT THE GROCERY STORE, AND IT SELLS FOR $11 A POUND, BUT YOU'RE SAYING -- 280 00:33:08,288 --> 00:33:14,794 WE'RE GIVING YOU POUND AFTER POUND OF ROAST BEEF FOR JUST $10. 281 00:33:14,794 --> 00:33:21,601 THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. I KNOW BREAD IS SUPER CHEAP, BUT IT'S NOT NEGATIVE DOLLARS. 282 00:33:21,601 --> 00:33:30,610 ARBY'S IS A FOR-PROFIT BUSINESS, RIGHT? LIKE YOUR GOAL IS TO MAKE MONEY. 283 00:33:30,610 --> 00:33:38,118 I COULDN'T MAKE FIVE ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES AT HOME FOR $10. I GUESS WE'RE WONDERING, WHERE 284 00:33:38,118 --> 00:33:44,491 ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS ROAST BEEF? ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEATS! 285 00:33:44,491 --> 00:33:50,430 NO, NO, NO. THAT DON'T ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE THE MEATS, BUT 286 00:33:50,430 --> 00:33:57,504 WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THE MEATS. ALSO, WHAT KIND OF MEATS. OVER AT TACO BELL, DON'T MISS 287 00:33:57,504 --> 00:34:05,845 THE NEW $5 BOX. WAIT, WHAT? YOU GET A CHILUPA SUPREME, A 288 00:34:05,845 --> 00:34:16,222 BEEFY FIVE-LAYER BURRITO, CINNAMON TWISTS, CHIPS, AND A FOUR OUNCE SODA FOR ONLY $5. 289 00:34:16,222 --> 00:34:23,229 IS THAT REAL? LOOK IT UP. IT'S THE $5 BOX ON AT TACO BELL. 290 00:34:23,229 --> 00:34:27,067 OKAY. I DON'T LIKE YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT TO TACO BELL. 291 00:34:27,067 --> 00:34:30,637 NOW I'M WORRIED ABOUT THIS BOX TOO. WELL, ARBY'S IS LOOKING -- 292 00:34:30,637 --> 00:34:37,377 YEAH, YOU GET MULTIPLE BURRITOS AND CINNAMON STICKS AND A GIANT SODA FOR $5? 293 00:34:37,377 --> 00:34:42,115 HOW CAN THAT PHYSICALLY HAPPEN. THAT MEANS EACH FULL BURRITO IS 294 00:34:42,115 --> 00:34:48,621 LIKE 70 CENTS. SO ARBY'S IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD BY COMPARISON, RIGHT? 295 00:34:48,621 --> 00:34:58,498 NO. THIS ALL SOUNDS TERRIBLE. I THOUGHT THE FOUR FOR FOUR MENU 296 00:34:58,498 --> 00:35:01,301 AT WENDY'S WAS INSANE. WHAT'S THAT? I DON'T KNOW. 297 00:35:01,301 --> 00:35:10,443 SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS. YOU DO THE VOICEOVER IN THE STORE? 298 00:35:10,443 --> 00:35:16,683 THAT'S RIGHT. I'M PHYSICALLY PRESENT AT EVERY ARBY'S LOCATION. 299 00:35:16,683 --> 00:35:24,424 AND YOU THINK THE WENDY'S DEAL SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS? YOU'RE THE ONES OFFERING FIVE 300 00:35:24,424 --> 00:35:30,630 GIANT -- TOWERS. -- OF ROAST BEEF FOR $10. 301 00:35:30,630 --> 00:35:37,170 HOW MANY SANDWICHES DO YOU GET FROM ONE COW? OH, I DON'T KNOW. 302 00:35:37,170 --> 00:35:42,609 A MILLION. WE WOULD HONESTLY RATHER PAY MORE AND GET LESS ROAST BEEF SO 303 00:35:42,609 --> 00:35:46,312 WE WOULDN'T BE WORRIED ABOUT WHERE IT'S COMING FROM. OKAY. 304 00:35:46,312 --> 00:35:50,183 SO HOW MUCH FOR HOW MUCH? I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS TWO ROAST BEEF 305 00:35:50,183 --> 00:35:55,588 SANDWICHES FOR $15. I WOULD SAY THREE. YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THREE 306 00:35:55,588 --> 00:36:01,594 SANDWICHES? YOU DO NOT SHAME ME! NOT IN MY DEBUT ARBY'S 307 00:36:17,644 --> 00:36:48,908 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SZA. ** * KISS ME DANGEROUS * 308 00:36:48,908 --> 00:36:52,679 * BEEN SO LOST WITHOUT YOU ALL AROUND ME GET ANXIOUS * 309 00:36:52,679 --> 00:36:57,951 * LEAD ME DON'T LOOK BACK IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU * 310 00:36:57,951 --> 00:37:01,688 * IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT * 311 00:37:01,688 --> 00:37:07,027 * COMFORT IN MY SINS IT'S ALL ABOUT ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW 312 00:37:07,027 --> 00:37:11,831 FEEL THE TASTE * * OF RESENTMENT SIMMER IN MY SKIN 313 00:37:11,831 --> 00:37:17,203 IT'S ALL ABOUT BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT * * NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES 314 00:37:17,203 --> 00:37:19,873 OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED GOING BACK ON MY WORD DAMN CHICK * 315 00:37:19,873 --> 00:37:23,643 * YOU SO THIRSTY STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH STILL STRESSING PERFECTION 316 00:37:23,643 --> 00:37:29,049 LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL * * GOT ME LOOKING TOO DESPERATE DAMN 317 00:37:29,049 --> 00:37:32,185 YOU AIN'T DESERVE * * BROAD DAY SUNSHINE 318 00:37:32,185 --> 00:37:37,524 I'LL FIND A WAY TO * * MESS IT UP STILL CAN'T CRY ABOUT THE THING 319 00:37:37,524 --> 00:37:43,430 THAT I CAN'T CHANGE JUST MY MIND * * GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE 320 00:37:43,430 --> 00:37:47,200 TOUGH CROWD I HATE IT CAN'T STAY IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW * 321 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:51,504 * FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT COMFORT IN MY SINS * 322 00:37:51,504 --> 00:37:56,843 * IT'S ALL ABOUT ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW FEEL THE TASTE * 323 00:37:56,843 --> 00:38:01,715 * OF RESENTMENT SIMMER IN MY SKIN IT'S ALL ABOUT * 324 00:38:01,715 --> 00:38:05,552 * BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED 325 00:38:05,552 --> 00:38:10,357 GOING BACK ON MY WORD * * DAMN CHICK YOU SO THIRSTY STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH 326 00:38:10,357 --> 00:38:14,661 STILL STRESSING PERFECTION LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL * * GOT ME LOOKING 327 00:38:14,661 --> 00:38:19,532 TOO DESPERATE DAMN IT'S WHAT YOU SAY * 328 00:38:19,532 --> 00:38:23,803 * AND HOW YOU DO ME HOW I'M 'POSED TO TRUST BABY * 329 00:38:23,803 --> 00:38:26,039 * 'POSED TO LOVE IT AIN'T 'POSED TO HURT THIS WAY * 330 00:38:26,039 --> 00:38:33,046 * ALL I NEED IS THE BEST OF YOU HOW I GOT TO SAY IT * 331 00:38:33,046 --> 00:38:37,283 * GIVE ME ALL OF YOU IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT 332 00:38:37,283 --> 00:38:42,689 COMFORT IN MY SINS * * IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW 333 00:38:42,689 --> 00:38:47,494 FEEL THE TASTE OF RESENTMENT * * SIMMER IN MY SKIN 334 00:38:47,494 --> 00:38:51,264 IT'S ALL ABOUT BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT * * NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES 335 00:38:51,264 --> 00:38:56,569 OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED GOING BACK ON MY WORD DAMN CHICK YOU SO THIRSTY * 336 00:38:56,569 --> 00:39:02,008 * STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH STILL STRESSING PERFECTION LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL * 337 00:39:02,008 --> 00:39:09,582 * GOT ME LOOKING TOO DESPERATE DAMN YOU AIN'T DESERVE * ** 338 00:39:09,582 --> 00:39:15,755 DAMN YOU AIN'T DESERVE * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 339 00:39:30,203 --> 00:39:37,844 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 340 00:39:37,844 --> 00:39:44,484 WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 341 00:39:44,484 --> 00:39:51,524 WELL, YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT ALEX JONES AND KANYE WEST GOT TOGETHER THIS 342 00:39:51,524 --> 00:39:58,932 WEEK, AND IT DIDN'T GO GREAT. KANYE WEST MADE ANTI-SEMITIC JOKES AND SAID, I LIKE HITLER, 343 00:39:58,932 --> 00:40:03,703 WHICH IS ALSO THE PASS WORD HE USED TO GET INTO MAR-A-LAGO. AT THIS POINT, I DON'T THINK 344 00:40:03,703 --> 00:40:10,510 KANYE IS OFF HIS MEDS SO MUCH AS HE'S IMMUNE TO THEM. WE'RE BASICALLY DEALING WITH THE 345 00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:16,483 OMICRON VARIANT OF KANYE. WE THOUGHT HE WOULD FADE AWAY, BUT NOW WE REALIZE WE MAY HAVE 346 00:40:16,483 --> 00:40:22,722 TO DEAL WITH THE BRAIN FOG OF LONG HAUL KANYE. IF JEWS DO CONTROL THE MEDIA, 347 00:40:22,722 --> 00:40:29,729 HOW ARE WE STILL SEEING A NEW INTERVIEW WITH KANYE EVERY DAY. ALSO IF THEY CONTROL THE MEDIA, 348 00:40:29,729 --> 00:40:36,536 EXPLAIN THE 80 FOOT CHRISTMAS TREE OUTSIDE OF NBC. PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED A 349 00:40:36,536 --> 00:40:46,246 MEASURE THAT WOULD FORCE RAILWAY WORKERS TO AVERT A STRIKE, BUT DOES NOT GET SICK LEAVE. 350 00:40:46,246 --> 00:40:51,217 HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO CARE ABOUT SICK LEAVE WHEN HE SHOWS UP TO WORK EVERY DAY WITH FULL 351 00:40:51,217 --> 00:40:57,257 BLOWN CTE. IT SOLIDIFIES MARRIAGE PROTECTION FOR INTERRACIAL 352 00:40:57,257 --> 00:41:00,160 MARRIAGES. BUT IF I MARRY A WHITE LADY, WHO'S GOING TO PROTECT ME FROM 353 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:08,601 MY MOTHER? THE GEORGIA SENATE RUNOFF SET RECORDS FOR EARLY VOTING. 354 00:41:08,601 --> 00:41:13,239 HERSCHEL WALKER HAS ALWAYS ENCOURAGED HIS SUPPORTERS TO TAKE CARE OF VOTING EARLY BEFORE 355 00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:18,812 IT BECOMES A PROBLEM. OH, MAN. PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS RECOMMENDED 356 00:41:18,812 --> 00:41:23,516 THAT SOUTH CAROLINA BECOME THE FIRST STATE TO VOTE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES TO GIVE 357 00:41:23,516 --> 00:41:31,157 BLACK VOTERS MORE OF A VOICE IN SELECTING THE 2024 CANDIDATE. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, DONALD TRUMP 358 00:41:31,157 --> 00:41:39,099 ALSO PLANS TO GIVE VOTERS A VOICE WITH THIS BLACK PUPPET. THERE IS GROWING SUPPORT TO 359 00:41:39,099 --> 00:41:44,304 MOVE THE FIRST DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY FROM IOWA SO SOUTH CAROLINA, BUT WHY MOVE IT TO 360 00:41:44,304 --> 00:41:48,608 ANOTHER BORING STATE? START THE PRIMARIES WITH A BANG IN FLORIDA. 361 00:41:48,608 --> 00:41:54,280 RIGHT? INSTEAD OF WATCHING A POLITICIAN EAT A CORN DOG AT THE IOWA STATE 362 00:41:54,280 --> 00:42:02,589 FAIR, IMAGINE SMOKING METH, SHIRTLESS AT GATOR LAND AS HE BATTLES FOR THE STATE'S KEY 363 00:42:02,589 --> 00:42:06,960 DEMOGRAPHIC, GRANDMAS UNDER 30. RIGHT? YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE DAY, 364 00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:15,068 FLORIDA MAY NOT GIVE US FDR OR JFK, BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY GIVE US HPV. 365 00:42:15,068 --> 00:42:22,809 A FEDERAL JURY HAS FOUND THE OATH KEEPERS LEADER GUILTY OF SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY. 366 00:42:22,809 --> 00:42:29,883 HE PLANS TO APPEAL THE VERDICT BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT THE TRIAL LIKE HIS VISION WAS VERY 367 00:42:29,883 --> 00:42:37,190 ONE-SIDED. QUESTIONS ARE BEING RAISED ABOUT VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEALTH 368 00:42:37,190 --> 00:42:48,601 AFTER HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AT HIS HOME AND SOILED HIMSELF. QUESTIONS LIKE IS THERE A VIDEO? 369 00:42:48,601 --> 00:42:56,743 AN APPLE FACTORY IN CHINA IS EXPECTED TO CUT iPHONES BY 6 MILLION IN RESPONSE TO WORKER 370 00:42:56,743 --> 00:43:00,080 PROTESTS. THEIR MAIN DEMAND IS MORE PLAY TIME. 371 00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:06,286 OH, OH. I'M SHOCKED TOO. I'M SO SHOCKED. 372 00:43:06,286 --> 00:43:12,859 IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT KIM KARDASHIAN AND KANYE WEST HAVE REACHED A SETTLEMENT IN THEIR 373 00:43:12,859 --> 00:43:19,366 DIVORCE, AND I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SUGGEST THAT SHE HAD AN EASIER TIME FINDING A 374 00:43:19,366 --> 00:43:20,834 ON A LIMB AND SUGGEST THAT SHE HAD AN EASIER TIME FINDING A LAWYER. 375 00:43:24,437 --> 00:43:29,242 [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WHICH CAN BE ESPECIALLY TOUGH FOR 376 00:43:29,242 --> 00:43:37,650 CHILDREN OF DIVORCE. HERE TO COMMENT IS CHILD OF DIVORCE MICHAEL LONGFELLOW. 377 00:43:37,650 --> 00:43:43,957 HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MICHAEL. SO YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED. 378 00:43:43,957 --> 00:43:48,194 IS THAT HARD FOR SNU. NO. I WAS A TINY BABY. 379 00:43:48,194 --> 00:43:53,566 I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THEM BEING TOGETHER. UNTIL I GOT OLDER, I WASN'T SURE 380 00:43:53,566 --> 00:43:58,838 THEY KNEW EACH OTHER. I HAD A CHILD TELL ME, YOU KNOW YOUR PARENTS HAD SEX TO HAVE 381 00:43:58,838 --> 00:44:02,909 YOU, AND I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'VE MET, SO THAT'S STUPID. 382 00:44:02,909 --> 00:44:10,150 WELL, SURELY YOU WERE AWARE AT SOME POINT THEY MET. I WASN'T, AND DON'T CALL ME 383 00:44:10,150 --> 00:44:14,487 SHIRLEY. IT'S NOT SNAKES ON A PLANE. I HONESTLY, THE HOLIDAYS MUST 384 00:44:14,487 --> 00:44:17,857 HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFICULT WITH DIVORCED PARENTS. I DISAGREE. 385 00:44:17,857 --> 00:44:23,263 THERE ARE PERKS TO HAVING PARENTS ALWAYS GETTING MARRIED AND DIVORCED AND MARRIED AGAIN. 386 00:44:23,263 --> 00:44:30,804 YOU EVER ASK FOR A BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS AND ACTUALLY GET ONE? I HAVE AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT 387 00:44:30,804 --> 00:44:35,709 FOR HIM TO GROW UP. WE CAME OFF THE SHELF READY TO GO. 388 00:44:35,709 --> 00:44:39,079 WE WERE PLAYING CATCH THAT DAY. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE. IT WAS. 389 00:44:39,079 --> 00:44:48,121 AND BROTHERS IS NOT THE ONLY THING DIVORCE HAS GIVEN ME. IT'S GIVEN ME SISTERS, BROTHERS, 390 00:44:48,121 --> 00:44:55,995 DADS, AND YOU GOT MY NEWEST DAD KERRY WHO'S A SEMINUDIST I'VE SEEN NAKED 43 TIMES. 391 00:44:55,995 --> 00:45:01,267 WHEN YOU SEE YOUR MOM'S BOYFRIEND NAKED, YOU THINK A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU DON'T THINK 392 00:45:01,267 --> 00:45:05,939 IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN 42 MORE TIMES. WELL, I AT LEAST HOPE HE HAS 393 00:45:05,939 --> 00:45:13,146 A NICE BODY. WHY? YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T KNOW. 394 00:45:13,146 --> 00:45:17,317 NEVER MIND. ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE THEN PRO-DIVORCE? 395 00:45:17,317 --> 00:45:21,955 WELL, MY DAD IS A DIVORCE ATTORNEY, SO PUT FOOD ON MY TABLE. 396 00:45:21,955 --> 00:45:27,160 SO YOUR FATHER IS A DIVORCED ATTORNEY WHO'S ALSO BEEN DIVORCED? 397 00:45:27,160 --> 00:45:34,567 MULTIPLE TIMES. I MEAN, THIS GUY WALKS THE WALK. IS HE A BAD HUSBAND OR A 398 00:45:34,567 --> 00:45:37,871 WORKAHOLIC? HE'S AN ARTIST. BUT HE WAS STILL A GREAT DAY. 399 00:45:37,871 --> 00:45:44,611 HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING A KID SHOULD KNOW, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, IF INFIDELITY 400 00:45:44,611 --> 00:45:49,916 CAN'T BE PROVEN, THEY'RE ONLY ENTITLED TO 30%. AND IT'S NOT EASY TO PROVE IN A 401 00:45:49,916 --> 00:45:53,486 COURT OF LAW. TEXT MESSAGES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. 402 00:45:53,486 --> 00:45:57,791 GOOD TO KNOW. SO IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD ENJOYS HIS WORK. 403 00:45:57,791 --> 00:46:02,929 ABSOLUTELY. IN FACT, HE MET HIS CURRENT WIFE BECAUSE HE HANDLED HER DIVORCE. 404 00:46:02,929 --> 00:46:06,433 SOME SAY THAT'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. I JUST SAY HE'S GOT THAT 405 00:46:06,433 --> 00:46:13,406 DOG HIM. MICHAEL LONGFELLOW, EVERYONE. AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY. 406 00:46:16,276 --> 00:46:24,384 DALLAS COWBOYS OWNER JERRY JONES IS UNDER FIRE OVER A PICTURE OF HIM FROM 1967 WHERE 407 00:46:24,384 --> 00:46:33,960 HE LOOKS AS BLACK STUDENTS ARE STOPPED SOMEWHERING THE SCHOOL. WOULD A RACIST OWN A TEAM THAT 408 00:46:33,960 --> 00:46:42,435 HAS THE STRONGEST BLACK MEN HE CAN FIND TO WORK ON HIS FIELD? HAWAII'S LARGEST ACTIVE 409 00:46:42,435 --> 00:46:50,744 VOLCANO BEGAN ERUPTING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1984. ALSO ERUPTING FOR THE FIRST TIME 410 00:46:50,744 --> 00:46:55,682 SINCE 1984, YOUR AUNT WATCHING YELLOW STONE. THIS WEEK MARKS THE 40th 411 00:46:55,682 --> 00:47:00,553 ANNIVERSARY OF THE CLASSIC MICHAEL JACKSON ALBUM, THRILLER. AND SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT 412 00:47:00,553 --> 00:47:11,031 MICHAEL JACKSON, BUT HE DEFINITELY HAD A HUGE EFFECT ON A LOT OF PEOPLE'S CHILDHOODS. 413 00:47:11,031 --> 00:47:15,168 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS LIKE ANYMORE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION 414 00:47:15,168 --> 00:47:22,175 IS CHANGING THE NAME OF MONKEYPOX TO M POX DUE TO THE CONCERN THAT THE ORIGINAL COULD 415 00:47:22,175 --> 00:47:30,283 BE RACIST, WHICH I DIDN'T THINK WAS AN ISSUE. BUT NOW I'M WONDERING, WHAT'S 416 00:47:30,283 --> 00:47:41,628 THE N IN I-95? MERIAM WEBSTER ANNOUNCED ITS WORD OF THE YEAR IS GASLIGHTING. 417 00:47:41,628 --> 00:47:48,134 IT'S A WORD MY EX MADE UP TO MAGICALLY WIN ARGUMENTS SHE WAS LOSING. 418 00:47:48,134 --> 00:47:54,741 LAW ENFORCEMENT DEPARTMENTS IN SIX EUROPEAN COUNTRIES ARRESTED NEARLY 50 DRUG 419 00:47:54,741 --> 00:47:59,346 TRAFFICKERS RUNNING A COCAINE SUPER CARTEL. YOU KNOW WHAT MADE THE CARTEL 420 00:47:59,346 --> 00:48:05,085 REALLY SUPER? FRIENDSHIP. A POLICE OFFICER IN NEW 421 00:48:05,085 --> 00:48:06,886 YORK -- [ LAUGHTER ] A POLICE OFFICER IN NEW YORK 422 00:48:06,886 --> 00:48:15,195 STATE IS BEING CALLED THE BABY WHISPERER AFTER HE HELPED DELIVER HIS FIFTH BABY IN NINE 423 00:48:15,195 --> 00:48:19,866 YEARS. ONLY FIVE BABIES IN NINE YEARS, SAID NICK CANNON. 424 00:48:19,866 --> 00:48:23,770 OKAY. THERE YOU ARE. OKAY. 425 00:48:23,770 --> 00:48:34,047 A WOMAN IN ATLANTA GAVE BIRTH TO HER BABY IN A McDONALD'S. SO CAUTION, WET FLOOR. 426 00:48:34,047 --> 00:48:44,724 IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT KIDS CARTOON PEPPA PIG WILL INTRODUCE A SAME-SEX COUPLE TO ITS CAST OF 427 00:48:44,724 --> 00:48:50,897 CHARACTERS. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS A VERY UPSET PRESIDENT OF THE FAN CLUB, 428 00:48:50,897 --> 00:48:54,668 TRISH DALE. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. YES. 429 00:48:54,668 --> 00:49:00,040 I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEW ADDITION TO THE SHOW. 430 00:49:00,040 --> 00:49:08,848 I'M MORE THAN UPSET. I'M MAD AS H-E-C-CAN K. WOW, YOU SPELL OUT HECK. 431 00:49:08,848 --> 00:49:13,053 OKAY. MICHAEL, YOU MAY THINK I'M OVERREACTING, BUT PARENTS WHO 432 00:49:13,053 --> 00:49:18,224 LOVE PEPPA PIG SHOULD GET TO CHOOSE WHAT KINDS OF THINGS THEIR KIDS SEE. 433 00:49:18,224 --> 00:49:25,131 WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS LIKE? IT'S A POLAR BEAR GIRL WITH TWO DADDIES, AND ONE'S A DOCTOR, 434 00:49:25,131 --> 00:49:29,569 AND ONE STAYS HOME AND MAKES SPA GUESSTY. I THINK THAT SOUNDS CUTE. 435 00:49:29,569 --> 00:49:35,542 YEAH, IT IS. IT IS CUTE. UNTIL THEY ANALLY ENTER EACH 436 00:49:35,542 --> 00:49:40,613 OTHER. WHAT? COME ON, MICHAEL. 437 00:49:40,613 --> 00:49:44,417 SURE. IN THE FIRST EPISODE, THEY MAKE SPAGHETTI. 438 00:49:44,417 --> 00:49:49,556 BUT YOU KNOW AS SOON AS THOSE PLATES ARE CLEARED, THEY'RE ANALLY ENTERING EACH OTHER, AND 439 00:49:49,556 --> 00:49:55,895 ONE IS A DOCTOR, SO HE KNOWS JUST WHERE IT GOES. TRISH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S 440 00:49:55,895 --> 00:50:01,368 GOING TO HAPPEN ON THE SHOW. OH, I KNOW. IT WILL BE SOMETHING INNOCENT 441 00:50:01,368 --> 00:50:06,072 LIKE TEACH PEPPA HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. THAT'S NICE. 442 00:50:06,072 --> 00:50:12,612 AND ONCE PEPPA HAS THE HANG OF IT, THEY'LL SAY, YOU GOT THIS, GIRL, AND THEN THEY GO 443 00:50:12,612 --> 00:50:18,585 BEHIND A BUSH AND ANALLY ENTER EACH OTHER. I THINK THIS SHOW IS 444 00:50:18,585 --> 00:50:23,523 REFLECTING THAT GAY PEOPLE EXIST AND IT'S JUST A PART OF LIFE. IT'S NOT A PART OF LIFE. 445 00:50:23,523 --> 00:50:27,327 IT HURTS. WHAT DOES? I TRIED IT. 446 00:50:27,327 --> 00:50:35,135 IT HURTS, AND IT HURTS. AND THEY'RE POLAR BEARS, SO YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE THIS BIG. 447 00:50:35,135 --> 00:50:40,807 IMAGINE THAT IN YOU. TRISH, I THINK YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. 448 00:50:40,807 --> 00:50:45,545 I CAN'T. I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING. I'VE TRIED MEDITATION, POPPERS, 449 00:50:45,545 --> 00:50:51,017 IT STILL HURTS. AND THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE WHERE -- 450 00:50:51,017 --> 00:50:57,057 OH, TRISH, PLEASE. AND THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE WHERE PEPPA IS HAVING TROUBLE 451 00:50:57,057 --> 00:51:04,864 WITH HER MATH HOMEWORK, SO THE BIGGER POLAR BEAR, THE MORE MASCULINE ONE, SAYS LET'S GO 452 00:51:04,864 --> 00:51:11,938 UPSTAIRS AND GET OUR CALCULATOR, BUT THEY NEVER COME BACK. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY 453 00:51:11,938 --> 00:51:17,344 WERE DOING UP THERE? ANALLY ENTERING EACH OTHER. SHOWERING. 454 00:51:17,344 --> 00:51:23,116 OH, OKAY. TO GET READY TO ANALLY ENTER EACH OTHER BECAUSE IT'S A 455 00:51:23,116 --> 00:51:27,554 PROCESS. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I GOOGLED IT. 456 00:51:27,554 --> 00:51:30,623 IT'S SICK. THEN DON'T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH. 457 00:51:30,623 --> 00:51:32,692 I DON'T HAVE KIDS. ANYMORE. ANYMORE? 458 00:51:32,692 --> 00:51:37,464 THEY GREW UP, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE. TRISH, THIS IS ALL IN YOUR 459 00:51:37,464 --> 00:51:40,200 HEAD. THE SHOW WILL NEVER SHOW ANY OF THAT. 460 00:51:40,200 --> 00:51:45,638 THAT'S WHY I ANIMATED MY OWN, SO EVERYONE CAN SEE EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 461 00:51:45,638 --> 00:51:49,242 WELL, THE BIG ONE IS THE BOTTOM. THAT'S GOOD. 462 00:51:49,242 --> 00:51:55,315 THAT'S THE TWIST. I'M SORRY. I HATE TO INTERRUPT. 463 00:51:55,315 --> 00:52:04,791 WHO ARE YOU? IT'S OKAY. I ACTUALLY WATCH THIS SHOW, AND 464 00:52:04,791 --> 00:52:08,962 IT'S TWO POLAR BEAR MOMMYS, NOT TWO DADDIES. WHAT? 465 00:52:08,962 --> 00:52:13,533 NOW I HAVE TO GOOGLE THAT? NO, NO. IT'S LIKE -- 466 00:52:13,533 --> 00:52:18,672 UH-HUH. OH, SO IT'S JUST MASHING AND MUSHING? 467 00:52:18,672 --> 00:52:25,545 THAT'S FINE. I'VE DONE THAT. TRISH DALE, EVERYBODY. 468 00:52:34,821 --> 00:52:40,093 YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE 12th MONTH OF PREGNANCY IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST. 469 00:52:40,093 --> 00:52:46,933 WELL, WE JUST WANT TO DO ONE LAST ULTRASOUND TO MAKE SURE THE TWINS ARE IN THE RIGHT POSITION. 470 00:52:46,933 --> 00:52:51,671 SOUNDS GOOD, DOC. HIT ME WITH THE COLD ASS JELLY. OKAY. 471 00:52:51,671 --> 00:52:59,012 LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE. THERE THEY ARE, YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABIES. 472 00:52:59,012 --> 00:53:04,351 OH, MY GOD. I'M CRYING. LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE. 473 00:53:04,351 --> 00:53:09,656 OKAY, Y'ALL, THAT IMAGE IS CRISP. I'LL WATCH THE SUPER BOWL ON 474 00:53:09,656 --> 00:53:13,059 THAT THING. LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE KICKING. NOW, WOULD YOU SAY THIS IS A 475 00:53:13,059 --> 00:53:17,597 TYPICAL AMOUNT OF MOVEMENT? WELL, I DID HAVE THREE MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS THIS 476 00:53:17,597 --> 00:53:23,336 MORNING. WELL, THAT'S NOT RECOMMENDED, BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN THE BREAK 477 00:53:23,336 --> 00:53:26,806 DANCING. COME ON NOW. GET IT. 478 00:53:26,806 --> 00:53:33,079 DOES THAT HURT? WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR SPERM DONORS WAS 479 00:53:33,079 --> 00:53:36,750 ONE OF THE JABBER WALKERS? EXCUSE ME. WHAT? 480 00:53:36,750 --> 00:53:47,193 YEAH. THE SPERM BANK HAD ATHLETES, IVY LEAGUES. 481 00:53:47,193 --> 00:53:54,200 WELL, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO WATCH YOUR CAFFEINE INTAKE. 482 00:53:54,200 --> 00:54:02,142 NO SMOKING, RIGHT? YEAH, THAT'S A NO. WHAT IF THE BABIES ARE 483 00:54:02,142 --> 00:54:04,077 SMOKING. WHAT? MY DAD BAD. 484 00:54:04,077 --> 00:54:09,649 THIS THING IS LIKE AN EXHAUST PIPE LATELY. SLOW DOWN, Y'ALL. 485 00:54:09,649 --> 00:54:13,586 SLOW DOWN. WHY DOCTOR R THEY SMOKING CIGARETTES? 486 00:54:13,586 --> 00:54:24,130 BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL. NOW, DOCTOR, MEDICALLY SPEAKING, WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITH THE 487 00:54:24,130 --> 00:54:32,238 UMBILICAL CORD? WELL, THEY APPEAR TO BE JUMPING ROPE. 488 00:54:32,238 --> 00:54:40,313 SORRY. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING FLAMING HOT CHEETOS LATELY. 489 00:54:40,313 --> 00:54:49,222 DAMN, THESE THINGS ARE HOT. YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE IT EASY 490 00:54:49,222 --> 00:54:55,095 ON THE SPICY FOODS. YOU KNOW, DOC, I WASN'T EVEN SURE I WANTED TO GET PREGNANT. 491 00:54:55,095 --> 00:55:07,073 BUT THEN I LOST TWO IUDs IN A ROW, AND I TOOK IT AS A SIGN. WELL, I THINK I FOUND THEM. 492 00:55:07,073 --> 00:55:11,878 OH, COME IN. HI. I HAVE A DELIVERY. 493 00:55:11,878 --> 00:55:17,851 I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG ROOM, SIR. NOBODY HERE ORDERED McDONALD'S. 494 00:55:17,851 --> 00:55:22,055 WAIT. I THINK THE BABIES DID. THEY HAVE A PHONE? 495 00:55:22,055 --> 00:55:28,428 I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE PARENTS WHO'S GOING TO LIMIT SCREEN TIME LIKE A LOSER. 496 00:55:28,428 --> 00:55:32,732 OH, THEY'RE MOVING. OH, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT YOU WAITING FOR? 497 00:55:32,732 --> 00:55:37,637 GIVE THE KIDS THEY FISH. THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT. 498 00:55:37,637 --> 00:55:42,375 LOVE YOU, BABY. OH, DON'T FORGET YOUR TIP, BRO. COME ON. 499 00:55:42,375 --> 00:55:56,089 THERE YOU GO. NO, I'M GOOD. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE. 500 00:55:56,089 --> 00:56:01,027 MAN, THEY REALLY CHOWING THAT THING DOWN, AIN'T THEY? EXCUSE YOU. 501 00:56:01,027 --> 00:56:09,269 WELL, I HAVE TO SAY, I DON'T THINK BABIES SHOULD BE EATING FILLET O FISH SANDWICHES IN THE 502 00:56:09,269 --> 00:56:11,838 WOMB. WAIT A SECOND. WHERE ARE THEY? 503 00:56:11,838 --> 00:56:29,656 WHERE DID THEY GO? OH, MY GOD. NO! 504 00:56:35,829 --> 00:56:42,869 OKAY, GIRLS,LET GET STARTED WITH OH, HOLY NIGHT. AND A ONE AND A TO TWO AND A -- 505 00:56:42,869 --> 00:56:50,510 * OH, HOLY NIGHT, WHERE STARS ARE BRIGHTLY SHINING * * IT IS THE NIGHT OF OUR DEAR 506 00:56:50,510 --> 00:57:04,024 SAVIOR'S BIRTH * * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH, HEAR THE ANGEL'S VOICES, OH, NIGHT, 507 00:57:04,024 --> 00:57:14,134 DIVINE, OH, NIGHT DIVINE * YES. I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE. 508 00:57:14,134 --> 00:57:22,075 MR. DAVID, WHY DO DEDE AND DANA GET TO DO ALL THE SOLOS? BECAUSE ART IS NOT FAIR. 509 00:57:22,075 --> 00:57:28,048 AND MAYBE IF YOU PUT YOUR WHOLE P WORD IN IT, YOU WOULD GET A SOLO. 510 00:57:28,048 --> 00:57:33,920 YEAH, WE PUT OUR WHOLE P WORD IN IT. OH, I FORGOT, WE HAVE A NEW 511 00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:40,727 STUDENT TRANSFERRING. EVERYONE, THIS IS KAYLA. HELLO. 512 00:57:40,727 --> 00:57:46,633 WELCOME TO CHRIST MOON HIGH. I'VE NEVER GONE AN ALL GIRLS SCHOOL BEFORE. 513 00:57:46,633 --> 00:57:55,241 WE'RE ALL IS SISTERS HERE. WE'RE ALL SINKED UP, SO THAT'S PRETTY COOL TOO. 514 00:57:55,241 --> 00:58:02,716 FOCUS UP. KAYLA, HOW ABOUT YOU SING A LITTLE OH HOLY NIGHT FOR US. 515 00:58:02,716 --> 00:58:13,159 I HAVEN'T PRACTICED. * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH, HEAR THE ANGELS VOICES, OH NIGHT 516 00:58:13,159 --> 00:58:26,373 DIVINE, OH, NIGHT DIVINE * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HELLO. 517 00:58:26,373 --> 00:58:29,309 I'LL TELL HER. THAT WAS BROADWAY. YOU'RE THE NEW FUNNY GIRL. 518 00:58:29,309 --> 00:58:34,781 WHERE DID YOU TRANSFER FROM? HEAVEN? DEDE, SNAP OUT OF IT. 519 00:58:34,781 --> 00:58:39,452 SHE'S OUR COMPETITION. WE CAN'T LET HER STEAL OUR SOLO. RIGHT. 520 00:58:39,452 --> 00:58:44,057 WHAT WAS HER -- MR. DAVID, WE'RE GOING TO RUN IT BACK, AND A ONE. 521 00:58:44,057 --> 00:58:55,969 * FALL ON YOUR KNEES * SING ALONG! * OH, NIGHT WHEN CHRIST WAS 522 00:58:55,969 --> 00:58:59,539 BORN. BECAUSE CHRIST WAS BORN IN THE CITY! 523 00:58:59,539 --> 00:59:14,454 * OH, NIGHT DIVINE * ALL RIGHT. I'VE MADE MY DECISION, AND I'VE 524 00:59:14,454 --> 00:59:20,727 CONSULTED WITH THE GODS, PLURAL. WE GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL. GROW UP! 525 00:59:20,727 --> 00:59:28,935 THE SOLO GOES TO KAYLA! SEEMS FAIR TO ME. WAIT, WAIT. 526 00:59:28,935 --> 00:59:32,872 I HAVE AN IDEA. CHRISTMAS IS A SEASON OF TOGETHERNESS. 527 00:59:32,872 --> 00:59:37,043 SO WHY DON'T WE ALL DO THE SOLO TOGETHER? US TOO? 528 00:59:37,043 --> 00:59:43,516 EVEN ME? ALL OF US. AND LET'S PUT OUR WHOLE P WORDS 529 00:59:43,516 --> 00:59:49,723 INTO IT. I LOVE THIS WOMAN! * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH HEAR 530 00:59:49,723 --> 01:00:05,538 * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH HEAR THE ANGEL VOICES, OH NIGHT DIVINE, OH NIGHT DIVINE * 531 01:00:14,748 --> 01:00:29,629 SZA. ** * PEOPLE WANT ME * 532 01:00:29,629 --> 01:00:31,731 * TO GET RATCHET PEOPLE WANT ME TO ATTACK IT * 533 01:00:31,731 --> 01:00:34,401 * PUT THE HOOD ON NOW THEY CALLIN' ME CASSIUS * 534 01:00:34,401 --> 01:00:37,637 * RAUNCHY LIKE BOB SAGET GREEDY I CAN'T PASS IT EATIN' EVERYTHING * 535 01:00:37,637 --> 01:00:40,340 * I'M DOING I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNEW ME * 536 01:00:40,340 --> 01:00:42,542 * IN THE PAST TENSE I AIN'T NO JULIA STILES THIS AIN'T NO LAST DANCE 537 01:00:42,542 --> 01:00:46,813 WAY PAST IT * * WAY ROLLIN' ON MY EX 538 01:00:46,813 --> 01:00:50,016 'CAUSE HE VALIDATE ME OPEN UP A CHECK * * I DON'T WANT NO RECEIPT 539 01:00:50,016 --> 01:00:54,821 MIND KEEP POSSESSED LET MY SPIRIT SPEAK FREELY HEY * 540 01:00:54,821 --> 01:00:57,490 * 'CAUSE MY PAST CAN'T ESCAPE ME MY -- PRECEDES ME * 541 01:00:57,490 --> 01:01:00,160 * MY MY HOW THE TIMES CHANGE YOU STILL PLAYIN' 542 01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:03,897 THE VICTIM * * AND I'M STILL PLAYIN' THE PICK-ME 543 01:01:03,897 --> 01:01:10,370 IT'S SO EMBARRASSING * * ALL OF THE THINGS I NEED LIVING INSIDE OF ME 544 01:01:10,370 --> 01:01:16,242 I CAN'T SEE IT IT'S SO EMBARRASSING * * ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK 545 01:01:16,242 --> 01:01:25,352 LIVING INSIDE OF ME I CAN'T SEE * * I'M BLIND 546 01:01:25,352 --> 01:01:38,231 BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND * 547 01:01:38,231 --> 01:01:40,900 * YOU AIN'T GETTING YOUR CHICK BACK CALM DOWN IF YOU 548 01:01:40,900 --> 01:01:44,104 WOULD NEVER SAY THAT * * I DON'T WANT TO PLAY I'D RATHER GET PAYBACK 549 01:01:44,104 --> 01:01:47,841 MOMMA TOLD ME NEVER PAY FOR YOUR MAN * * I DON'T WANT TO 550 01:01:47,841 --> 01:01:50,510 BREAK THIS I HURT TOO MUCH I LOST TOO MUCH * 551 01:01:50,510 --> 01:01:55,315 * I LOVE TOO MUCH IN MY PASSION GROWN HEARD THEY POP OUT THE ZONE * 552 01:01:55,315 --> 01:01:58,651 * I LIKE IT WHEN YOU PULL UP AT THE RED LIGHT I LIKE ALL THE VIOLENCE 553 01:01:58,651 --> 01:02:01,888 GIVE ME THAT FUNCTION * * I LIKE WHEN YOU CALL AND WE COULD GO ALL NIGHT 554 01:02:01,888 --> 01:02:06,059 BETTER WHEN YOU HIGH NEVER TELL ME I'M BONKERS * * MY PAST CAN'T ESCAPE ME 555 01:02:06,059 --> 01:02:10,363 MY COOCHIE CAN BEAT ME MY MY HOW THE TIMES CHANGE * * YOU STILL TALKIN' 556 01:02:10,363 --> 01:02:13,600 'BOUT BABIES AND I'M STILL TAKIN' THE PLAN B * 557 01:02:13,600 --> 01:02:20,573 * IT'S SO EMBARRASSING ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK LIVING INSIDE OF ME 558 01:02:20,573 --> 01:02:28,548 I CAN'T SEE IT * * IT'S SO EMBARRASSING ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK 559 01:02:28,548 --> 01:02:36,089 SAID I CAN'T SEE I'M BLIND * * BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND 560 01:02:36,089 --> 01:02:50,770 BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 561 01:02:54,641 --> 01:02:58,611 DECK. WE WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR FLYING WITH US. 562 01:02:58,611 --> 01:03:02,549 SHOULD BE A SMOOTH RIDE TO HAWAII. I'M GOING TO ASK THE FLIGHT 563 01:03:02,549 --> 01:03:06,653 ATTENDANTS TO DIM THE CABIN LIGHTS AND LET YOU FOLKS GET SOME REST. 564 01:03:06,653 --> 01:03:11,324 THAT'S REAL CUTE, BUT THESE LIGHTS GOING TO GO AHEAD AND STAY ON. 565 01:03:11,324 --> 01:03:15,695 WAKE Y'ALL AS UP, BECAUSE THIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR CHERYL AND I NOW. 566 01:03:15,695 --> 01:03:26,473 DRUM ROLL, PLEASE. WHAT YOU JUST WITNESSED IS DENISE AND I LOGGING OUR 567 01:03:26,473 --> 01:03:30,176 MILLIONth MILE AS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 568 01:03:30,176 --> 01:03:41,921 FA-LA-LA-LA-BONUS. THIS PLANE IS ALSO CELEBRATING A VERY SPECIAL 569 01:03:41,921 --> 01:03:43,590 OCCASION TONIGHT. THIS PLANE HAS NOW FLOWN 10 MILLION MILES. 570 01:03:43,590 --> 01:03:47,961 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 10 MILLION MILES. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT. 571 01:03:47,961 --> 01:03:52,165 OH, IT'S NOT JUST A LOT. IT'S ILLEGAL. UH-HUH. 572 01:03:52,165 --> 01:03:57,237 BUT DON'T TELL NOBODY BECAUSE WE MADE SOME GOOD MEMORIES ON THIS PLANE HERE. 573 01:03:57,237 --> 01:04:01,374 OKAY. REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITTY PLANE CRASH WE GOT INTO? 574 01:04:01,374 --> 01:04:05,679 YES, GIRL. REMEMBER THAT BIG PLANE CRASH, THOUGH? 575 01:04:05,679 --> 01:04:11,317 THIS PLANE HAS BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE CRASH? MA'AM, THIS PLANE BEEN IN A 576 01:04:11,317 --> 01:04:17,891 BUNCH OF CRASHES. GIRL, YOU ARE ON A ROLL TONIGHT. 577 01:04:17,891 --> 01:04:24,731 I FEEL GOOD. WE JUST FLEW A MILLEY, A MILLEY, A MILLEY. 578 01:04:24,731 --> 01:04:30,070 EXCUSE ME. I'M FLYING TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, AND I DO NOT NEED THIS 579 01:04:30,070 --> 01:04:33,106 RIGHT NOW. YOU BEEN THROUGH A LOT. MA'AM, NOT TO WORRY. 580 01:04:33,106 --> 01:04:38,778 YOU GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH, JUST LIKE THIS PLANE. THIS PLANE HERE IS OLD, Y'ALL. 581 01:04:38,778 --> 01:04:43,149 OLD AS HELL, Y'ALL. THIS PLANE LIVED THROUGH SEGREGATION. 582 01:04:43,149 --> 01:04:47,120 LOOK AT THE SIGN ON THE BATHROOM. WHITES ONLY. 583 01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:51,624 CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? UH-HUH. THAT'S VERY UPSETTING. 584 01:04:51,624 --> 01:04:56,730 EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING IS. OKAY? CAN YOU STOP TALKING SO I CAN 585 01:04:56,730 --> 01:05:02,869 WATCH A MOVIE? WELL, I WAS ABOUT TO TELL YOU HOW THE ENGINE WASN'T STARTING 586 01:05:02,869 --> 01:05:09,275 EARLIER, BUT LET ME NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO WATCH PORN. THE ENGINE ISN'T STARTING? 587 01:05:09,275 --> 01:05:13,680 NOPE. AND I FOUND THIS HERE SCREW UNDER THE PLANE BEFORE WE TOOK 588 01:05:13,680 --> 01:05:16,716 OFF. NOBODY KNOWS WHERE IT'S FROM OR WHERE IT GOES. 589 01:05:16,716 --> 01:05:21,454 AND THAT'S A LONG-ASS SCREW, SO YOU KNOW IT'S ESSENTIAL. WHAT? 590 01:05:21,454 --> 01:05:25,392 OH, MY GOSH! WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 591 01:05:25,392 --> 01:05:31,064 DID THE PLANE JUST LIKE TURN OFF? SIR, IT'S 1:00 A.M., THE 592 01:05:31,064 --> 01:05:38,271 ENGINE'S JUST TAKING A LITTLE NAP. Y'ALL DON'T NEED TO DO ALL 593 01:05:38,271 --> 01:05:48,515 THAT. GIRL, GO GET THE CABLE. SEE THAT THERE. 594 01:05:48,515 --> 01:05:55,722 WASN'T NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. HEY, FOLKS, JUST HAD A LITTLE HICCUP WITH THE ENGINE THERE. 595 01:05:55,722 --> 01:05:58,625 SHOULD BE FINE NOW. WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT. 596 01:05:58,625 --> 01:06:05,265 THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY, CAPTAIN! 90th? 597 01:06:05,265 --> 01:06:10,403 OKAY, Y'ALL. WE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND DIM THE CABIN LIGHTS SO Y'ALL CAN GET 598 01:06:10,403 --> 01:06:13,440 Y'ALL SOME REST. WELL, NOBODY'S GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP NOW. 599 01:06:13,440 --> 01:06:16,176 IT'S BECAUSE YOU EXCITED, RIGHT? THAT'S GOOD. 600 01:06:16,176 --> 01:06:21,047 BECAUSE TO LAND, WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERYONE TO RUN TO THE FRONT OF THE PLANE TO HELP US 601 01:06:21,047 --> 01:06:25,251 POINT DOWN. WE ARE TALKING FLOOR IT. WE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER, 602 01:06:25,251 --> 01:06:31,224 WE ARE TALKING FLOOR IT. WE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER, Y'ALL. 603 01:06:48,141 --> 01:06:52,312 INCREDIBLE CAST FOR LETTING ME A PART OF THEIR TEAM. Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!