WELL, SENATOR, REPUBLICANS FACE AN UPHILL BATTLE ON
TUESDAY. I KNOW. I KNOW.
OBAMA WAS JUST IN GEORGIA CAMPAIGNING FOR THE OTHER GUY. DID YOU SEE IT?
IT WAS LIKE A COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST UP THERE. I FIGURE I COULD USE SOME
HELP. SEND HIM IN. HERSCHEL WALKER.
HEY, THERE. MS. McDONALD. I'M SORRY I'M LATE.
I WAS HAVING TOO MUCH FUN IN THAT FREE MERRY GO ROUND YOU HAVE OUT FRONT.
THAT'S A REVOLVING DOOR. WELL, GREAT JOB ON YOUR CAMPAIGN, HER SHELL.
YES, EXCELLENT. YOU REMEMBER JON CORNYN. NO.
AND OF COURSE MARSHA BLACKBURN, SENATOR FROM TENNESSEE.
OH, YOUR HEINESS. WELL, THE MIDTERMS WASN'T THE RED WAVE WE WERE HOPING FOR, BUT
WE WERE HOPING YOU COULD WIN THIS TUESDAY. YEAH.
YOU GOT THIS BIG PRIMARY COMING UP. WELL, MY EX-WIFE SAID ALL I
DO IS RUN OFF. NO, HERSCHEL, THE GEORGIA RUNOFF.
IT'S CLOSE. HOW CLOSE? SO CLOSE.
WARNOCK IS POLLING AT 59.4%. YOU ARE POLLING AT 49.1. WELL, THE FIRST PRIORITY IS
TO FIGURE OUT WHICH IS BIGGER. WELL, THE ELECTION IS TUESDAY.
THEY HAVE ALREADY STARTED COUNTING THE VOTES MY MAIL. YOU GOT TO REMEMBER.
THEY STILL GOT TO COUNT THE VOTES BY FEMALE. SURE.
WE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU BECAUSE THIS RUNOFF IS REALLY IMPORTANT. WE COULD REALLY USE THE WIN
RIGHT NOW. YOU CAN COUNT ON ME. I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLE GUM.
WE WANT TO BE REALLY CAREFUL, AND YOU'VE HAD SOME SCHEDULES ALREADY.
IS THERE ANYTHING WE SHOULD KNOW IN THE FINAL STRETCH. WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MAYBE BAD THINGS FROM YOUR PAST THAT MAYBE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW YET.
YES. DEFINITELY. SO MANY.
WELL, I HATE TO ASK, BUT CAN YOU TELL US SOME OF THEM? LET ME SEE.
WHERE DO I START. SO THERE'S THIS PRETTY LADY THAT WORKS AT THE McDONALD'S, RIGHT?
SO I WENT DOWN THERE -- ANYWAY, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO KEEP IT, SO I DROVE HER DOWN TO THE PLANNED
PARENT TRAP. WOW. THAT'S A LOT.
THIS MIGHT BE TOUGH. DON'T WORRY. I'M FEELING VERY CONFIDENT ABOUT
THIS ERECTION. DON'T YOU MEAN ELECTION? I DO NOT.
MAYBE IN THE FINAL PUSH, LET'S LAY LOW AND FOCUS ON THE MESSAGE.
EXACTLY. JUST LIKE KANYE. NO, NO, NO.
ON THE ISSUES PEOPLE CARE ABOUT, INFLATION, CRIME -- VAMPIRES, WEREWOLF, WE GOING
TO BE LOOKING INTO ALL THAT. RIGHT. SO MAYBE NONE OF THAT.
REALLY? BECAUSE THAT'S LIKE 90% OF MY NEXT SPEECH.
RIGHT. COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE? OH, SURE.
YOU CAN TOSS A BLANKET RIGHT OVER MEE, AND I'LL FALL ASLEEP. THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
NIGHT NIGHT. WELL DONE. JUST TO BE CLEAR, LAST HOPE
TO WIN THIS YEAR IS HERSCHEL WALKER? YEAH.
SO PLAN B? I DON'T THINK WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
EXCUSE ME. COME ON, GIRL. DON'T TRADE THAT IN FOR NO BIG
MAC. I'M SORRY. CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING VERY
EXCITING? OH, YEAH, SURE. WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A LOOK IN
THERE. OH, WOW. LOOK IT'S A LITTLE ROOM.
THAT'S RIGHT. USED TO BE MY PANIC ROOM. NOW IT'S ALL YOURS, JUST UNTIL
ELECTION DAY. WHY AM I ALREADY IN THERE? THAT'S A MIRROR.
GO ON AHEAD. YOU GOT EVERYTHING YOU NEED IN THERE.
GET IN THERE. LOOK AT THAT. THEY GOT LUNCHABLES IN THERE AND
EVERYTHING. IT'S ONLY FOR A FEW DAYS, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT
MUSICAL GUEST, SZA
HOST, KEKE PALMER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK.
IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME, THE TREE IS LIT, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, IT'S SAGITTARIUS SEASON.
AND THAT'S GOOD FOR ME BECAUSE I'M VERY INTO ASTROLOGY. AND I KNOW SOME ARE GOING TO SAY
IT'S NOT REAL, BUT TO THAT I SAY, HOW'S THAT CRYPTO GOING. THIS HAS BEEN AN AWESOME YEAR
FOR ME. I WAS NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD!
THAT PART'S NOT TRUE. BUT IT'S NOT LYING. THAT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU
JUST LEARN TO DO IN THIS BUSINESS. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HONEY.
I HAVE BEEN ACTING SINCE I WAS NINE YEARS OLD. THE FIRST ROLE I DID WAS IN A
MOVIE. I HAD SO MUCH FUN, EXCEPT FOR WHEN I GOT YELLED AT BY LAWRENCE
FINCHBURG. I STARTED LAUGHING AT HIM. I HAD A GOOD REASON.
I'M A LITTLE KID WATCHING A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN CRY TO ME ABOUT WINNING A NATIONAL SPELLING BEE.
BUT WHEN I STARTED LAUGHING, HE WAS LIKE, YOU CAN'T DO THIS. THIS IS NOT WHAT REAL ACTORS DO.
AND MY MAMA WENT OFF ON HIM, Y'ALL. SHE'S SO CHICAGO, SHE STARTED
SCREAMING, I DON'T CARE IF YOU WAS IN THE MATRIX. THIS IS GOOD TIMES.
AND I HONESTLY DO APPRECIATE THAT HE DID. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS INTENSE, HE
TAUGHT ME HOW TO BE A PROFESSIONAL IN REAL TIME, YOU KNOW.
AND I'VE TAKEN LESSONS FROM EVERYONE I'VE WORKED WITH. I RECENTLY GOT SOME GOOD ADVICE
ON BEING ON SNL. HE WAS LIKE, KEKE, GET UP ON STAGE, YOU'RE FUNNY.
YOU'RE FUNNIER THAN ME. HE DIDN'T EXACTLY SAY THAT, BUT THAT'S WHAT I HEARD.
DELUSIONAL QUEEN. I'M ESPECIALLY GLAD TO BE HERE, THOUGH, BECAUSE THERE'S SOME
RUMORS GOING AROUND. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN IN MY COMMENTS SAYING KEKE'S HAVING A BABY,
KEKE'S PREGNANT, AND I WANT TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. I AM!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I GOT TO SAY -- I GOT TO SAY, THOUGH, IT IS BAD WHEN PEOPLE ON
THE INTERNET SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT YOU, BUT IT'S EVEN WORSE WHEN THEY'RE CORRECT.
I WAS TRYING SO HARD TO KEEP IT ON THE DOWN LOW BECAUSE I GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOING ON.
PEOPLE KEPT COMING UP TO ME, CONGRATULATIONS. I'M LIKE, S HAD, H, CAN Y'ALL
STOP? I GOT A LIQUOR SPONSORSHIP ON THE LINE.
ONCE THE CHECK CLEARS, WE CAN GET TO THE BAILEY BI. BUT HONESTLY, THIS HAS BEEN THE
BIGGEST BLESSING. I'M GOING TO BE A MOM. EVEN THOUGH SOME PEOPLE FEEL A
LITTLE WEIRD ABOUT ME HAVING A BABY BECAUSE I WAS A CHILD ACTOR.
I'M 29, I'M GROWN, I HAVE SEX, A OWN A HOME, I STORMED THE CAPITOL ON JANUARY 6th, YOU
KNOW, THINGS ADULTS DO. I'M KID. Y'ALL KNOW I'M THE SAME PERSON
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN, AND I'M PROUD OF THAT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, WHEN I
FIRST GOT INTO COMEDY AND I DREAMED OF STANDING ON THIS STAGE, I ASKED MYSELF, KEKE, WHO
WILL YOU BE? WILL YOU BE LIKE A MYA RUDOLPH, EDDIE MURPHY, A CRYSTAL WIG
TYPE? AND NOW THAT I'M HERE, I CAN TELL YOU EXACTLY WHO I AM.
I'M KEKE PALMER. WE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE SOAP CHANNEL. WE NOW RETURN TO A CLASSIC 1984
EPISODE, FORCINGTON'S RIDGE. EVERYONE, I HOPE YOU'RE ALL ENJOYING THE CHAMPAGNE.
IT'S MADE RIGHT HERE AT FORCINGTON VINEYARDS, AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY, I'LL GIVE YOU THE
RECIPE. OH, ALEXIA, YOUR JOKES LIKE YOUR BRAVE HAR DOS ALWAYS WORK.
SOMEONE'S TRYING TO BUTTER ME UP BEFORE I JUDGE THE POLO HORSE RACE CONTEST THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, I DON'T NEED LUCK. MY HORSE IS HUGE, REALLY BIG. IS IT NOW?
I GUESS IT'S MY JOB AS THE JUDGE TO BE THE JUDGE OF THAT BIG HORSE.
NOW, PLEASE, EVERYONE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE GARDEN FOR SOME KAYNATES.
AM I SAWING THAT RIGHT? LEAD THE WAY, MY DEAR. NO, I THINK I'LL HANG BACK
FOR A MOMENT. I NEED TO ADJUST MY BREASTS IN THIS BIG MIRROR.
THEY'RE PERFECT. HELLO, ALEXIA. WELL, SANDRINE, YOU WAITED
FOR MY MIRROR SHOT. WELL, WITH YOUR VANITY AND WANDERING BREASTS, I KNEW JUST
WHERE TO FIND YOU. I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD AN INVITE.
MAYBE YOU FORGOT TO SEND IT LIKE YOU DIDN'T FORGET NOT TO FALACIATE MY HUSBAND EVERY DAY.
WELL, YOU SAID THAT WRONG, BUT I DID DO IT, AND I'LL DO IT EVERY DAY.
WELL, MY MOUTH IS EXIT ONLY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN MY HOME?
OH, YOUR HOME? YOU DIDN'T HEAR? I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOUR SECRET
PROPOSAL, AND I FOUND SOME PLACE TO GO TO WHEN I HAVE GUESTS OVER.
YOU BITCH. TAKES ONE TO BE ONE. YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET THAT!
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I REALLY FEEL. YOU ALMOST SMEARED MY LIPSTICK.
YES. WHAT IS THAT SHADE CALLED ANYWAY?
DESPERATE HAG? WHEN I GET OVER THERE, I'M GONNA --
LET ME DOWN! WITH PLEASURE. RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, THAT ALMOST HURT. HOW DELIGHTED WHEN YOUR FACE HIT MY TABLE.
IT'S MY TABLE NOW. REMEMBER? SO I LOVED IT AS MUCH AS YOU'RE
GOING TO LOVE THE TASTE OF MY FISTS. OH.
OUCH. ALEXIA, SANDRINE, MY GOD, I CERTAINLY HOPE THIS VIOLENCE
ISN'T ABOUT WHO'S FALACIATING ME. BY THE WAY, TIKTOK.
NO, DARLING, THIS IS ABOUT SOMETHING MUCH, MUCH BIGGER. OKAY.
I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A DIG AT ME. YOU TWO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 50 YEAR.
15. YEAH, SURE. BUT HE'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.
THIS IS NO WAY FOR TWO FRIENDS TO BEHAVE. FRIENDS?
WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. BUSINESS PARTNERS THEN? BUSINESS PARTNERS.
WITH MY FINANCIAL ABILITIES AND YOUR CHAMPAGNE RECIPE, WE WOULD BE UNSTOP ZBLBL THAT MIGHT
BE THE BEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. SHALL WE TALK THROUGH THE
DETAILS OVER LUNCH? YES, WE SHOULD. YOU COMING
WHEN I HAVE A RIDE, Y'ALL, TEMPERATURES DROPPING. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR WE FIND A MAN TO KEEP US WARM THROUGH THESE COLD MONTHS.
BUT NOT JUST ANY MAN WILL DO. WE OUT HERE LOOKING FOR SOME -- BIG BOYS.
* IT'S A DECISION, IT'S A REASON TO GET A BIG BOY, I NEED A BIG BOY.
GIVE ME A BIG BOY * * IT'S ALL THE GIRLS ARE LEAVING TO GET A BIG BOY *
* I NEED A BIG BOY WITH POLAR BEAR ARMS, KEEPS ME SNOW IN THE WINTER SNOWSTORM *
* HE BRING IN MY GROCERIES IN JUST ONE TRIP * * WHEN THE SUN COMES BACK, I
NEED A BIG BOY HOTTY, MAKES HIS OWN HEAT WITH A BIG BOY BODY * * BIG BOY WITH A BIG OLD BACK, A
CALIFORNIA KING, REFRIGERATOR STACKED * * BUTTER BACON, CHEESE, AND
LASAGNA IN THE TRAY * * AND I HOPE HE ASKS ME TO BE HIS WINTER WIFE BECAUSE MESSING
WITH A BIG BOY WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE * * IT'S CUPPING SEASON, IT'S ALL
THE GIRLS NEED A BIG BOY, I WANT A BIG BOY, GIMME A BIG BOY * * I NEED A BIG BOY BODY LIKE A
BOUNCER, BIG MOUTH BREATHER AND LEGS LIKE A MONSTER * * GET IN THE BED AND HE GOING TO
DO ME RIGHT, GET IN THE BED AND HE SNORE ALL NIGHT * * AND THEN HE STOPS *
BABE? DID THIS MAN JUST DIE? * ANYTHING I NEED, MY BIG BOY
GOT IT * * IF I NEED A SNACK, HE GOT SNICKERS IN HIS POCKET *
* BIG BOYHOODDY, YOU KNOW I'M GOING TO ROCK IT * * AND IF WE TRAVEL, YOU KNOW WE
GOING IN FIRST CLASS BECAUSE HE DON'T FIT IN THE BACK * * HEY, BIG BOYS, GO BIG BOYS, I
LIKE THE BIG BOYS * * WHAT ABOUT GIRLS? I LIKE GIRLS, BUT THEY CAN'T
KEEP ME WARM. * ALL I DO IS WORK AND STRESS AND I COULD USE A BIG BOY SO I
COULD JUST RELAX * * HE CAN HAVE THEM LOVE HANDLES IN THE FRONT AND IN THE BACK *
* IF WE TALKING GIRLS, I LIKE MY GIRLS BIG * * IT'S CUPPING SEASON, IT'S NOW
WE GOT A REASON TO GET A BIG BOY, I WANT A BIG BOY, GIMME A BIG BOY.
WE OUT HERE LADIES. WE THE REASON FOR THE SEASON. THESE BEARS DON'T HIBERNATE IN
THE WINTER. YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND US. WE'LL BE SHOVELING SNOW IN
SHORTS. * BIG-BA-BIG BOYS *
HAVE YOU EVER DATED THE RAPPER DRAKE? HAVE YOU EVER MET DRAKE AT A
PARTY, TALKED ON INSTAGRAM? OR EVEN MADE FLIRTY EYE CONTACT WITH HIM AT A
RESTAURANT. IF THE ANSWER IS YES, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF US. AND YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO BENEFITS.
FOR TOO LONG, WE HAVE WITNESSED AUBREY DRAKE GRAHAM WRITE HIT AFTER HIT ABOUT WOMEN
WHO HAVE WRONGED HIM ONLY TO EARN MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. WELL, TODAY, HER LOSS IS OUR
GAIN. BECAUSE WE, THE THOUSANDS OF DRAKE'S EXES AND SHAWTYS HAVE
VOTED TO JOIN FORCES. AND OFFICIALLY UNIONIZE AS THE UNITED TINGS OF AUBREY.
IT IS TIME WE STAND UP AND FIGHT FOR OUR RIGHTS AS TINGS IN A UNITED FRONT.
MY NAME IS COURTNEY. I LEFT DRAKE A VOICE MAIL ONCE ABOUT AN OVERDUE CAR PAYMENT,
AND NOW I'M AN INTERLUDE ON AN ALBUM. HOW DOES THAT WORK?
I SERVED DRAKE SOME LETTUCE WRAPS IN '09, AND APPARENTLY I'M HIS EX NOW.
DRAKE HIM HIT ON ME DAVE AND BUSTERS ONCE, I TOLD HIM I WAS A LESBIAN, AND HE SAID ME TOO.
MY NAME IS KEKE PALMER, AND THAT KEKE DO YOU LOVE ME SONG RUINED MY LIFE.
EVERYONE WAS ASKING, ARE YOU THAT KEKE? YES, I'M THE KEKE, NOT THAT
KEKE. DRAKE SENT ME A BOBBY HILL GIFT ON INSTAGRAM ONCE.
I SAID, WHO IS THAT. NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M THAT GOOFY SHAWTY THAT CURVED HIM.
WE MAY HAVE STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM, BUT WE STILL HERE. TO BE CLEAR, A UNION
MEMBERSHIP IS NOT DEPENDENT ON DATING DRAKE. YOU MAY QUALIFY AS ONE OF
AUBREY'S TINGS IF YOU MET DRAKE AT A BASKETBALL GAME, MET DRAKE AT A CLUB, SAW DRAKE AT A CLUB,
BEEN TO A CLUB AT ALL. HAVE DINED AT THE FOLLOWING RESTAURANTS, RUTH'S CHRIS STEAK
HOUSE. NOBU, NOBU, NOBU. BUT HERE, AT UNITED TINGS OF
AUBREY, WE BELIEVE IN A BRIGHTER FUTURE. ONE WHERE TINGS CAN BE LEFT
ALONE. AND YOUR NAME STAYS OUT OF DRAKE'S MOUTH.
* 525,600 TINGS * * LIKE WOMEN WHO LIVE IN MEMPHIS *
* IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'VE MET HIM AT ALL * * BECAUSE YOU *
UNITED TINGS OF AUBREY.
HERE AT NEW YORK CITY'S FIRST-EVER HELLO KITTY STORE. WHO'S EXCITED?
LET'S DO IT. I LOVE HELLO KITTY. ME TOO.
DREAM JOB ALERT. NOW, AS EMPLOYEES, YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED TO ANSWER ANY
QUESTIONS ABOUT SAN RIO'S OFFICIAL HELLO KITTY STORY. SO IF YOU OPEN UP TO PAGE
FIVE, YOU'LL SEE A LIST OF FACTS ABOUT HELLO KITTY. SHE LOVES TO BAKE COOKIES, SHE
LOVES TO GO TO SCHOOL, AND SHE'S NOT A CAT, SHE'S A HUMAN LITTLE GIRL.
OH, INTERESTING. I NEVER KNEW THAT. NO.
YEAH. IT'S A FUN FACT, RIGHT? ISN'T THIS A SWEET ONE.
HELLO KITTY'S FAVORITE FOOD IS MAMA'S APPLE PIE. WHY DID YOU SAY HELLO KITTY
IS A LITTLE GIRL? BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE CREATORS, IT WAS A HUMAN LITTLE
GIRL. SO YOU'RE TELLING ME IF YOU HAD A BABY COMING OUT LOOKING
LIKE HELLO KITTY, YOU WOULD THINK THAT WAS A REAL BABY? I WOULD TELL THE DOCTOR TO
THROW IT AWAY. MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON. HELLO KITTY IS IN THE THIRD
GRADE, AND FUN FACT, SHE LIVES IN LONDON. WICKED, ISN'T IT?
CHEERIO. OH, GOOD. SHE ALSO HAS A BOYFRIEND, DEAR
DANIEL, AND UNLIKE HELLO KITTY, HE ACTUALLY IS A CAT. SO THE GIRL IS A PERSON, BUT
THE ONE IN THE SUIT AND TIE IS A CAT? YEAH.
YES. OKAY. THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK FOR ME.
AND THEY'RE DATING, SO YOU'RE TELLING US THESE ARE BARE BACKS? WE DON'T TALK THAT WAY IN SAN
RIO. I'M SORRY. SH S THIS NOT CRAZY TO YOU GUYS?
I GUESS IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD, BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS JOB. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN INSANE
PLACE TO GET HIGH. HELLO KITTY LOVES CANDY. SHE WEIGHS FIVE DOLLS, THREE
APPLES. SHE'S MEASURED IN APPLES? SHE'S ALSO IN 3rd GRADE.
SHE WAS BORN IN 1974. YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE'S A 48-YEAR-OLD THIRD GRADER WHO'S
FLAPPING CHEEKS WITH THE CAT NO JIMMY? NO.
WE DON'T TALK ABOUT CLAPPING CHEEKS AT SAN RIO. SHE LOVES MILK.
HER FAVORITE SHOES ARE SANDALS. WHAT'S HER RACE? WHAT?
WHAT'S HELLO KITTY'S RACE? SHE DOESN'T HAVE ONE. OH!
YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH THAT ONE? SHE HAS AN AGE, HEIGHT, PET, AND
RELATIONSHIP, BUT SHE'S RACELESS? IF SHE CAN BE ANYTHING, SAY
SHE'S BLACK. I'M SORRY. EXCUSE ME?
SAY THAT LITTLE WHITE GIRL IS BLACK. NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO
THAT. DO YOU LIKE THIS? CONFUSING US WITH YOUR LIES
ABOUT HELLO KITTY HAVING SEX AND HOW BIG APPLES ARE? BECAUSE WE ONLY RECOGNIZE ONE
BIG APPLE, NEW YORK, THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD, AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO LET YOU RUIN IT.
WHO'S WITH US? I AM. I AM TOO.
BECAUSE I AM NEW YORK. AND I AM NEW YORK. AND IF YOU MESS WITH HELLO
KITTY, YOU MESS WITH NEW YORK. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, HELLO KITTY?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH. JUST TELL US THE TRUTH, LADY.
NATASHA LEON, WHAT DO YOU WANT? THIS IS NEW YORK, SO SAY THAT
HELLO KITTY ISN'T A LITTLE HUMAN GIRL. SAY SHE'S A CAT.
OKAY. FINE. SHE'S A CAT.
YEA! YEAH! NOW, COME ON, EVERYBODY.
I GOT US ALL TICKETS TO SEE THE YANKEES ON BROADWAY AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
HELLO KITTY THE HUMAN? FORGET ABOUT IT.
OH, KENAN THOMPSON, THE LEGEND, MAN. KEKE, YOU HAVING FUN?
YES. I'M WORKING WITH MY IDOL. STOP IT.
NO, NO, I GREW UP WATCHING YOU AS A KID. I ALWAYS WANTED TO WORK WITH
YOU. I ACTUALLY HAVE AN IDEA FOR A PROJECT I WOULD LOVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT LATER. ANYTHING WITH KEKE PALMER, I'M THERE, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
REALLY? BECAUSE I GOT THIS IDEA FOR A REBOOT
* SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH AND LOOK ON THAT TELLY * * KENAN AND KELLY GON BREAK ALL
THE RULES * I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A STREAMING THEORY.
I WOULD HAVE SAID YES TO KENAN AND KEL, BUT NOW IT'S JUST KELLY.
I TOLD THE PRODUCERS WE WROTE IT TOGETHER. RIGBY NOW HAS FAT SUSHI.
MAYBE TOO FRESH. KELLY, I THINK THAT SALMON YOU CAUGHT MIGHT BE A PIRANNA.
KEL'S FAVORITE CATCH PHRASE WAS UH-OH, HERE IT GOES. BUT HERE'S WAS OH, HERE'S THE
BUTTON. YOU CAN'T KEEP TAKING ORANGE SODAS.
JUST PUT IT ON MY TAB. I'M GOOD FOR IT. OKAY.
$5,000 WORTH OF ORANGE SODAS, KELLY. DON'T YELL AT ME BECAUSE
GUESS WHAT? I'M PREGNANT WITH YOUR CHILD. KEKE WAS GUNNING FOR AN EMMY
AWARD. SO SHE WANTED TO BRING DRAMATIC MOMENTS IN.
I THOUGHT, THAT WON'T WORK, AND I WAS RIGHT. KELLY, DID YOU FIX THE SLUSH
MACHINE? YEP. TRY IT OUT, KENAN.
DON'T MIND IF I DO. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING ONE FOR WEEKS NOW.
THAT'S ODD. KELLY! WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME IT IS
FIXED? YOU ARE SUCH AN -- WHAT?
AN IDIOT? GO AHEAD. SAY IT.
IT AIN'T LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD IT BEFORE. MY MAMA USED TO GET DRUNK EVERY
DAY AND CALL ME AN IDIOT. MY UNCLE TOLD HER TO BLAME ME FOR MY DADDY LEAVING.
ME. HOW YOU GOING TO BLAME A LITTLE GIRL FOR THAT MAN BEING A
COWARD? UH-OH, HERE COMES THE BUTTONS. IT JUST STARTED, AND I THINK
WE HAVE A TONE ISSUE. BUT PEOPLE SEEM EXCITED ABOUT IT, I GUESS.
HEY, KENAN. HEY, DEVON, GOOD JOB ON THE SONG, MAN.
THANK YOU. I CAN DO OTHER STUFF TOO, THOUGH.
CHECK THIS OUT. WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER. THANK YOU.
I THINK WE ALREADY FOUND SOMEONE. HEY, EVERYBODY!
OH, I MISSED YOU. OH, MAN, I MISSED YOU TOO! WHO LOVES ORANGE SODA?
KEL LOVES ORANGE SODA. OH, SWEET BABY. KEL, IT'S BEEN SO LONG, MAN.
WHAT YOU BEEN UP TO? HANDS UP, EVERYBODY, THIS IS A ROBBERY.
GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER. YOU NOT STEALING A DIME,
MR. ROBBER. YOU BEEN WONDERING WHERE I BEEN. I BEEN LEARNING THE ARTS OF
KARATE. KEL! OH, DON'T DIE ON ME, KEL.
NO. DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT. MY BABY NEEDS HIS FATHER.
YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, KENAN. KEL'S THE FATHER. I SLEPT WITH HIM JUST TO HURT
YOU. WHY DO I HURT THE ONES I LOVE THE MOST?
HERE IT COMES. NO! THE SHOW IS NOT GOOD.
BUT JORDAN PEEL CALLED AND WANTS US TO DO A SEQUEL CALLED YEP.
THE AR BEE'S FIVE FOR TEN. THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GET FIVE ARBY'S SANDWICHES FOR $5.
THAT'S FIVE STACKED SANDWICHES FOR JUST TEN BUCKS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT
THAT? I GUESS ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS HOW?
YEAH. THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES FOR $10.
IT'S FIVE HEAPING PILES OF TENDER ROAST BEEF FOR ONLY TEN MEASLY DOLLARS.
CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT? HONESTLY, NO. YEAH.
WE'RE STRUGGLING TO UNDERSTAND THE PHYSICS OF HOW THIS MUCH ROAST BEEF IS $10.
BECAUSE ISN'T ONE ROAST BEEF SANDWICH NORMALLY AT LEAST $5? I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT $10
COULD GET YOU FIVE MOUNTAINS OF ROAST BEEF. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE
SAYING. WE DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE. I JUST GOOGLED ROAST BEEF
PRICES AT THE GROCERY STORE, AND IT SELLS FOR $11 A POUND, BUT YOU'RE SAYING --
WE'RE GIVING YOU POUND AFTER POUND OF ROAST BEEF FOR JUST $10.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. I KNOW BREAD IS SUPER CHEAP, BUT IT'S NOT NEGATIVE DOLLARS.
ARBY'S IS A FOR-PROFIT BUSINESS, RIGHT? LIKE YOUR GOAL IS TO MAKE MONEY.
I COULDN'T MAKE FIVE ROAST BEEF SANDWICHES AT HOME FOR $10. I GUESS WE'RE WONDERING, WHERE
ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS ROAST BEEF? ARBY'S, WE HAVE THE MEATS!
NO, NO, NO. THAT DON'T ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE THE MEATS, BUT
WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THE MEATS. ALSO, WHAT KIND OF MEATS. OVER AT TACO BELL, DON'T MISS
THE NEW $5 BOX. WAIT, WHAT? YOU GET A CHILUPA SUPREME, A
BEEFY FIVE-LAYER BURRITO, CINNAMON TWISTS, CHIPS, AND A FOUR OUNCE SODA FOR ONLY $5.
IS THAT REAL? LOOK IT UP. IT'S THE $5 BOX ON AT TACO BELL.
OKAY. I DON'T LIKE YOU CHANGED THE SUBJECT TO TACO BELL.
NOW I'M WORRIED ABOUT THIS BOX TOO. WELL, ARBY'S IS LOOKING --
YEAH, YOU GET MULTIPLE BURRITOS AND CINNAMON STICKS AND A GIANT SODA FOR $5?
HOW CAN THAT PHYSICALLY HAPPEN. THAT MEANS EACH FULL BURRITO IS
LIKE 70 CENTS. SO ARBY'S IS LOOKING PRETTY GOOD BY COMPARISON, RIGHT?
NO. THIS ALL SOUNDS TERRIBLE. I THOUGHT THE FOUR FOR FOUR MENU
AT WENDY'S WAS INSANE. WHAT'S THAT? I DON'T KNOW.
SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS. YOU DO THE VOICEOVER IN THE STORE?
THAT'S RIGHT. I'M PHYSICALLY PRESENT AT EVERY ARBY'S LOCATION.
AND YOU THINK THE WENDY'S DEAL SOUNDS SUSPICIOUS? YOU'RE THE ONES OFFERING FIVE
GIANT -- TOWERS. -- OF ROAST BEEF FOR $10.
HOW MANY SANDWICHES DO YOU GET FROM ONE COW? OH, I DON'T KNOW.
A MILLION. WE WOULD HONESTLY RATHER PAY MORE AND GET LESS ROAST BEEF SO
WE WOULDN'T BE WORRIED ABOUT WHERE IT'S COMING FROM. OKAY.
SO HOW MUCH FOR HOW MUCH? I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS TWO ROAST BEEF
SANDWICHES FOR $15. I WOULD SAY THREE. YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THREE
SANDWICHES? YOU DO NOT SHAME ME! NOT IN MY DEBUT ARBY'S
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SZA. ** * KISS ME DANGEROUS *
* BEEN SO LOST WITHOUT YOU ALL AROUND ME GET ANXIOUS *
* LEAD ME DON'T LOOK BACK IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU *
* IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT *
* COMFORT IN MY SINS IT'S ALL ABOUT ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW
FEEL THE TASTE * * OF RESENTMENT SIMMER IN MY SKIN
IT'S ALL ABOUT BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT * * NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES
OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED GOING BACK ON MY WORD DAMN CHICK *
* YOU SO THIRSTY STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH STILL STRESSING PERFECTION
LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL * * GOT ME LOOKING TOO DESPERATE DAMN
YOU AIN'T DESERVE * * BROAD DAY SUNSHINE
I'LL FIND A WAY TO * * MESS IT UP STILL CAN'T CRY ABOUT THE THING
THAT I CAN'T CHANGE JUST MY MIND * * GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE
TOUGH CROWD I HATE IT CAN'T STAY IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW *
* FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT COMFORT IN MY SINS *
* IT'S ALL ABOUT ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW FEEL THE TASTE *
* OF RESENTMENT SIMMER IN MY SKIN IT'S ALL ABOUT *
* BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED
GOING BACK ON MY WORD * * DAMN CHICK YOU SO THIRSTY STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH
STILL STRESSING PERFECTION LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL * * GOT ME LOOKING
TOO DESPERATE DAMN IT'S WHAT YOU SAY *
* AND HOW YOU DO ME HOW I'M 'POSED TO TRUST BABY *
* 'POSED TO LOVE IT AIN'T 'POSED TO HURT THIS WAY *
* ALL I NEED IS THE BEST OF YOU HOW I GOT TO SAY IT *
* GIVE ME ALL OF YOU IN THE DARK RIGHT NOW FEELING LOST BUT I LIKE IT
COMFORT IN MY SINS * * IT'S ALL ABOUT ME ALL I GOT RIGHT NOW
FEEL THE TASTE OF RESENTMENT * * SIMMER IN MY SKIN
IT'S ALL ABOUT BLOOD STAIN ON MY SHIRT * * NEW CHICK ON MY NERVES
OLD BUDDY GOT CURVED GOING BACK ON MY WORD DAMN CHICK YOU SO THIRSTY *
* STILL DON'T KNOW MY WORTH STILL STRESSING PERFECTION LET YOU ALL IN MY MENTAL *
* GOT ME LOOKING TOO DESPERATE DAMN YOU AIN'T DESERVE * **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS, BUT ALEX JONES AND KANYE WEST GOT TOGETHER THIS
WEEK, AND IT DIDN'T GO GREAT. KANYE WEST MADE ANTI-SEMITIC JOKES AND SAID, I LIKE HITLER,
WHICH IS ALSO THE PASS WORD HE USED TO GET INTO MAR-A-LAGO. AT THIS POINT, I DON'T THINK
KANYE IS OFF HIS MEDS SO MUCH AS HE'S IMMUNE TO THEM. WE'RE BASICALLY DEALING WITH THE
OMICRON VARIANT OF KANYE. WE THOUGHT HE WOULD FADE AWAY, BUT NOW WE REALIZE WE MAY HAVE
TO DEAL WITH THE BRAIN FOG OF LONG HAUL KANYE. IF JEWS DO CONTROL THE MEDIA,
HOW ARE WE STILL SEEING A NEW INTERVIEW WITH KANYE EVERY DAY. ALSO IF THEY CONTROL THE MEDIA,
EXPLAIN THE 80 FOOT CHRISTMAS TREE OUTSIDE OF NBC. PRESIDENT BIDEN SIGNED A
MEASURE THAT WOULD FORCE RAILWAY WORKERS TO AVERT A STRIKE, BUT DOES NOT GET SICK LEAVE.
HOW DO YOU EXPECT HIM TO CARE ABOUT SICK LEAVE WHEN HE SHOWS UP TO WORK EVERY DAY WITH FULL
BLOWN CTE. IT SOLIDIFIES MARRIAGE PROTECTION FOR INTERRACIAL
MARRIAGES. BUT IF I MARRY A WHITE LADY, WHO'S GOING TO PROTECT ME FROM
MY MOTHER? THE GEORGIA SENATE RUNOFF SET RECORDS FOR EARLY VOTING.
HERSCHEL WALKER HAS ALWAYS ENCOURAGED HIS SUPPORTERS TO TAKE CARE OF VOTING EARLY BEFORE
IT BECOMES A PROBLEM. OH, MAN. PRESIDENT BIDEN HAS RECOMMENDED
THAT SOUTH CAROLINA BECOME THE FIRST STATE TO VOTE IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES TO GIVE
BLACK VOTERS MORE OF A VOICE IN SELECTING THE 2024 CANDIDATE. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, DONALD TRUMP
ALSO PLANS TO GIVE VOTERS A VOICE WITH THIS BLACK PUPPET. THERE IS GROWING SUPPORT TO
MOVE THE FIRST DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY FROM IOWA SO SOUTH CAROLINA, BUT WHY MOVE IT TO
ANOTHER BORING STATE? START THE PRIMARIES WITH A BANG IN FLORIDA.
RIGHT? INSTEAD OF WATCHING A POLITICIAN EAT A CORN DOG AT THE IOWA STATE
FAIR, IMAGINE SMOKING METH, SHIRTLESS AT GATOR LAND AS HE BATTLES FOR THE STATE'S KEY
DEMOGRAPHIC, GRANDMAS UNDER 30. RIGHT? YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE DAY,
FLORIDA MAY NOT GIVE US FDR OR JFK, BUT IT WILL DEFINITELY GIVE US HPV.
A FEDERAL JURY HAS FOUND THE OATH KEEPERS LEADER GUILTY OF SEDITIOUS CONSPIRACY.
HE PLANS TO APPEAL THE VERDICT BECAUSE HE FEELS THAT THE TRIAL LIKE HIS VISION WAS VERY
ONE-SIDED. QUESTIONS ARE BEING RAISED ABOUT VLADIMIR PUTIN'S HEALTH
AFTER HE FELL DOWN THE STAIRS AT HIS HOME AND SOILED HIMSELF. QUESTIONS LIKE IS THERE A VIDEO?
AN APPLE FACTORY IN CHINA IS EXPECTED TO CUT iPHONES BY 6 MILLION IN RESPONSE TO WORKER
PROTESTS. THEIR MAIN DEMAND IS MORE PLAY TIME.
OH, OH. I'M SHOCKED TOO. I'M SO SHOCKED.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT KIM KARDASHIAN AND KANYE WEST HAVE REACHED A SETTLEMENT IN THEIR
DIVORCE, AND I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SUGGEST THAT SHE HAD AN EASIER TIME FINDING A
LAWYER.
[ LAUGHTER ] IT'S THE HOLIDAY SEASON, WHICH CAN BE ESPECIALLY TOUGH FOR
CHILDREN OF DIVORCE. HERE TO COMMENT IS CHILD OF DIVORCE MICHAEL LONGFELLOW.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE. HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MICHAEL. SO YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED.
IS THAT HARD FOR SNU. NO. I WAS A TINY BABY.
I HAVE NO MEMORY OF THEM BEING TOGETHER. UNTIL I GOT OLDER, I WASN'T SURE
THEY KNEW EACH OTHER. I HAD A CHILD TELL ME, YOU KNOW YOUR PARENTS HAD SEX TO HAVE
YOU, AND I WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'VE MET, SO THAT'S STUPID.
WELL, SURELY YOU WERE AWARE AT SOME POINT THEY MET. I WASN'T, AND DON'T CALL ME
SHIRLEY. IT'S NOT SNAKES ON A PLANE. I HONESTLY, THE HOLIDAYS MUST
HAVE BEEN MORE DIFFICULT WITH DIVORCED PARENTS. I DISAGREE.
THERE ARE PERKS TO HAVING PARENTS ALWAYS GETTING MARRIED AND DIVORCED AND MARRIED AGAIN.
YOU EVER ASK FOR A BROTHER FOR CHRISTMAS AND ACTUALLY GET ONE? I HAVE AND I DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT
FOR HIM TO GROW UP. WE CAME OFF THE SHELF READY TO GO.
WE WERE PLAYING CATCH THAT DAY. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN NICE. IT WAS.
AND BROTHERS IS NOT THE ONLY THING DIVORCE HAS GIVEN ME. IT'S GIVEN ME SISTERS, BROTHERS,
DADS, AND YOU GOT MY NEWEST DAD KERRY WHO'S A SEMINUDIST I'VE SEEN NAKED 43 TIMES.
WHEN YOU SEE YOUR MOM'S BOYFRIEND NAKED, YOU THINK A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU DON'T THINK
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN 42 MORE TIMES. WELL, I AT LEAST HOPE HE HAS
A NICE BODY. WHY? YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T KNOW.
NEVER MIND. ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE THEN PRO-DIVORCE?
WELL, MY DAD IS A DIVORCE ATTORNEY, SO PUT FOOD ON MY TABLE.
SO YOUR FATHER IS A DIVORCED ATTORNEY WHO'S ALSO BEEN DIVORCED?
MULTIPLE TIMES. I MEAN, THIS GUY WALKS THE WALK. IS HE A BAD HUSBAND OR A
WORKAHOLIC? HE'S AN ARTIST. BUT HE WAS STILL A GREAT DAY.
HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING A KID SHOULD KNOW, BRUSH YOUR TEETH, DO YOUR HOMEWORK, IF INFIDELITY
CAN'T BE PROVEN, THEY'RE ONLY ENTITLED TO 30%. AND IT'S NOT EASY TO PROVE IN A
COURT OF LAW. TEXT MESSAGES AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
GOOD TO KNOW. SO IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR DAD ENJOYS HIS WORK.
ABSOLUTELY. IN FACT, HE MET HIS CURRENT WIFE BECAUSE HE HANDLED HER DIVORCE.
SOME SAY THAT'S A CONFLICT OF INTEREST. I JUST SAY HE'S GOT THAT
DOG HIM. MICHAEL LONGFELLOW, EVERYONE. AND DON'T CALL ME SHIRLEY.
DALLAS COWBOYS OWNER JERRY JONES IS UNDER FIRE OVER A PICTURE OF HIM FROM 1967 WHERE
HE LOOKS AS BLACK STUDENTS ARE STOPPED SOMEWHERING THE SCHOOL. WOULD A RACIST OWN A TEAM THAT
HAS THE STRONGEST BLACK MEN HE CAN FIND TO WORK ON HIS FIELD? HAWAII'S LARGEST ACTIVE
VOLCANO BEGAN ERUPTING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1984. ALSO ERUPTING FOR THE FIRST TIME
SINCE 1984, YOUR AUNT WATCHING YELLOW STONE. THIS WEEK MARKS THE 40th
ANNIVERSARY OF THE CLASSIC MICHAEL JACKSON ALBUM, THRILLER. AND SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT
MICHAEL JACKSON, BUT HE DEFINITELY HAD A HUGE EFFECT ON A LOT OF PEOPLE'S CHILDHOODS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS LIKE ANYMORE. THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
IS CHANGING THE NAME OF MONKEYPOX TO M POX DUE TO THE CONCERN THAT THE ORIGINAL COULD
BE RACIST, WHICH I DIDN'T THINK WAS AN ISSUE. BUT NOW I'M WONDERING, WHAT'S
THE N IN I-95? MERIAM WEBSTER ANNOUNCED ITS WORD OF THE YEAR IS GASLIGHTING.
IT'S A WORD MY EX MADE UP TO MAGICALLY WIN ARGUMENTS SHE WAS LOSING.
LAW ENFORCEMENT DEPARTMENTS IN SIX EUROPEAN COUNTRIES ARRESTED NEARLY 50 DRUG
TRAFFICKERS RUNNING A COCAINE SUPER CARTEL. YOU KNOW WHAT MADE THE CARTEL
REALLY SUPER? FRIENDSHIP. A POLICE OFFICER IN NEW
YORK -- [ LAUGHTER ] A POLICE OFFICER IN NEW YORK
STATE IS BEING CALLED THE BABY WHISPERER AFTER HE HELPED DELIVER HIS FIFTH BABY IN NINE
YEARS. ONLY FIVE BABIES IN NINE YEARS, SAID NICK CANNON.
OKAY. THERE YOU ARE. OKAY.
A WOMAN IN ATLANTA GAVE BIRTH TO HER BABY IN A McDONALD'S. SO CAUTION, WET FLOOR.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT KIDS CARTOON PEPPA PIG WILL INTRODUCE A SAME-SEX COUPLE TO ITS CAST OF
CHARACTERS. HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS A VERY UPSET PRESIDENT OF THE FAN CLUB,
TRISH DALE. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. YES.
I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE PRETTY UPSET ABOUT THIS NEW ADDITION TO THE SHOW.
I'M MORE THAN UPSET. I'M MAD AS H-E-C-CAN K. WOW, YOU SPELL OUT HECK.
OKAY. MICHAEL, YOU MAY THINK I'M OVERREACTING, BUT PARENTS WHO
LOVE PEPPA PIG SHOULD GET TO CHOOSE WHAT KINDS OF THINGS THEIR KIDS SEE.
WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS LIKE? IT'S A POLAR BEAR GIRL WITH TWO DADDIES, AND ONE'S A DOCTOR,
AND ONE STAYS HOME AND MAKES SPA GUESSTY. I THINK THAT SOUNDS CUTE.
YEAH, IT IS. IT IS CUTE. UNTIL THEY ANALLY ENTER EACH
OTHER. WHAT? COME ON, MICHAEL.
SURE. IN THE FIRST EPISODE, THEY MAKE SPAGHETTI.
BUT YOU KNOW AS SOON AS THOSE PLATES ARE CLEARED, THEY'RE ANALLY ENTERING EACH OTHER, AND
ONE IS A DOCTOR, SO HE KNOWS JUST WHERE IT GOES. TRISH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN ON THE SHOW. OH, I KNOW. IT WILL BE SOMETHING INNOCENT
LIKE TEACH PEPPA HOW TO RIDE A BIKE. THAT'S NICE.
AND ONCE PEPPA HAS THE HANG OF IT, THEY'LL SAY, YOU GOT THIS, GIRL, AND THEN THEY GO
BEHIND A BUSH AND ANALLY ENTER EACH OTHER. I THINK THIS SHOW IS
REFLECTING THAT GAY PEOPLE EXIST AND IT'S JUST A PART OF LIFE. IT'S NOT A PART OF LIFE.
IT HURTS. WHAT DOES? I TRIED IT.
IT HURTS, AND IT HURTS. AND THEY'RE POLAR BEARS, SO YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE THIS BIG.
IMAGINE THAT IN YOU. TRISH, I THINK YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
I CAN'T. I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING. I'VE TRIED MEDITATION, POPPERS,
IT STILL HURTS. AND THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE WHERE --
OH, TRISH, PLEASE. AND THERE'S ANOTHER EPISODE WHERE PEPPA IS HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HER MATH HOMEWORK, SO THE BIGGER POLAR BEAR, THE MORE MASCULINE ONE, SAYS LET'S GO
UPSTAIRS AND GET OUR CALCULATOR, BUT THEY NEVER COME BACK. AND YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY
WERE DOING UP THERE? ANALLY ENTERING EACH OTHER. SHOWERING.
OH, OKAY. TO GET READY TO ANALLY ENTER EACH OTHER BECAUSE IT'S A
PROCESS. HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? I GOOGLED IT.
IT'S SICK. THEN DON'T LET YOUR KIDS WATCH.
I DON'T HAVE KIDS. ANYMORE. ANYMORE?
THEY GREW UP, AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY ARE. TRISH, THIS IS ALL IN YOUR
HEAD. THE SHOW WILL NEVER SHOW ANY OF THAT.
THAT'S WHY I ANIMATED MY OWN, SO EVERYONE CAN SEE EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WELL, THE BIG ONE IS THE BOTTOM. THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S THE TWIST. I'M SORRY. I HATE TO INTERRUPT.
WHO ARE YOU? IT'S OKAY. I ACTUALLY WATCH THIS SHOW, AND
IT'S TWO POLAR BEAR MOMMYS, NOT TWO DADDIES. WHAT?
NOW I HAVE TO GOOGLE THAT? NO, NO. IT'S LIKE --
UH-HUH. OH, SO IT'S JUST MASHING AND MUSHING?
THAT'S FINE. I'VE DONE THAT. TRISH DALE, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, THE 12th MONTH OF PREGNANCY IS ALWAYS THE HARDEST.
WELL, WE JUST WANT TO DO ONE LAST ULTRASOUND TO MAKE SURE THE TWINS ARE IN THE RIGHT POSITION.
SOUNDS GOOD, DOC. HIT ME WITH THE COLD ASS JELLY. OKAY.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK HERE. THERE THEY ARE, YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABIES.
OH, MY GOD. I'M CRYING. LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE.
OKAY, Y'ALL, THAT IMAGE IS CRISP. I'LL WATCH THE SUPER BOWL ON
THAT THING. LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE KICKING. NOW, WOULD YOU SAY THIS IS A
TYPICAL AMOUNT OF MOVEMENT? WELL, I DID HAVE THREE MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS THIS
MORNING. WELL, THAT'S NOT RECOMMENDED, BUT IT DOES EXPLAIN THE BREAK
DANCING. COME ON NOW. GET IT.
DOES THAT HURT? WELL, I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR SPERM DONORS WAS
ONE OF THE JABBER WALKERS? EXCUSE ME. WHAT?
YEAH. THE SPERM BANK HAD ATHLETES, IVY LEAGUES.
WELL, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE, YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO WATCH YOUR CAFFEINE INTAKE.
NO SMOKING, RIGHT? YEAH, THAT'S A NO. WHAT IF THE BABIES ARE
SMOKING. WHAT? MY DAD BAD.
THIS THING IS LIKE AN EXHAUST PIPE LATELY. SLOW DOWN, Y'ALL.
SLOW DOWN. WHY DOCTOR R THEY SMOKING CIGARETTES?
BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL. NOW, DOCTOR, MEDICALLY SPEAKING, WHAT ARE THEY DOING WITH THE
UMBILICAL CORD? WELL, THEY APPEAR TO BE JUMPING ROPE.
SORRY. I HAVE BEEN CRAVING FLAMING HOT CHEETOS LATELY.
DAMN, THESE THINGS ARE HOT. YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TAKE IT EASY
ON THE SPICY FOODS. YOU KNOW, DOC, I WASN'T EVEN SURE I WANTED TO GET PREGNANT.
BUT THEN I LOST TWO IUDs IN A ROW, AND I TOOK IT AS A SIGN. WELL, I THINK I FOUND THEM.
OH, COME IN. HI. I HAVE A DELIVERY.
I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG ROOM, SIR. NOBODY HERE ORDERED McDONALD'S.
WAIT. I THINK THE BABIES DID. THEY HAVE A PHONE?
I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE PARENTS WHO'S GOING TO LIMIT SCREEN TIME LIKE A LOSER.
OH, THEY'RE MOVING. OH, WHAT THE HELL? WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?
GIVE THE KIDS THEY FISH. THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT.
LOVE YOU, BABY. OH, DON'T FORGET YOUR TIP, BRO. COME ON.
THERE YOU GO. NO, I'M GOOD. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY THEY ARE.
MAN, THEY REALLY CHOWING THAT THING DOWN, AIN'T THEY? EXCUSE YOU.
WELL, I HAVE TO SAY, I DON'T THINK BABIES SHOULD BE EATING FILLET O FISH SANDWICHES IN THE
WOMB. WAIT A SECOND. WHERE ARE THEY?
WHERE DID THEY GO? OH, MY GOD. NO!
OKAY, GIRLS,LET GET STARTED WITH OH, HOLY NIGHT. AND A ONE AND A TO TWO AND A --
* OH, HOLY NIGHT, WHERE STARS ARE BRIGHTLY SHINING * * IT IS THE NIGHT OF OUR DEAR
SAVIOR'S BIRTH * * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH, HEAR THE ANGEL'S VOICES, OH, NIGHT,
DIVINE, OH, NIGHT DIVINE * YES. I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE.
MR. DAVID, WHY DO DEDE AND DANA GET TO DO ALL THE SOLOS? BECAUSE ART IS NOT FAIR.
AND MAYBE IF YOU PUT YOUR WHOLE P WORD IN IT, YOU WOULD GET A SOLO.
YEAH, WE PUT OUR WHOLE P WORD IN IT. OH, I FORGOT, WE HAVE A NEW
STUDENT TRANSFERRING. EVERYONE, THIS IS KAYLA. HELLO.
WELCOME TO CHRIST MOON HIGH. I'VE NEVER GONE AN ALL GIRLS SCHOOL BEFORE.
WE'RE ALL IS SISTERS HERE. WE'RE ALL SINKED UP, SO THAT'S PRETTY COOL TOO.
FOCUS UP. KAYLA, HOW ABOUT YOU SING A LITTLE OH HOLY NIGHT FOR US.
I HAVEN'T PRACTICED. * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH, HEAR THE ANGELS VOICES, OH NIGHT
DIVINE, OH, NIGHT DIVINE * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] HELLO.
I'LL TELL HER. THAT WAS BROADWAY. YOU'RE THE NEW FUNNY GIRL.
WHERE DID YOU TRANSFER FROM? HEAVEN? DEDE, SNAP OUT OF IT.
SHE'S OUR COMPETITION. WE CAN'T LET HER STEAL OUR SOLO. RIGHT.
WHAT WAS HER -- MR. DAVID, WE'RE GOING TO RUN IT BACK, AND A ONE.
* FALL ON YOUR KNEES * SING ALONG! * OH, NIGHT WHEN CHRIST WAS
BORN. BECAUSE CHRIST WAS BORN IN THE CITY!
* OH, NIGHT DIVINE * ALL RIGHT. I'VE MADE MY DECISION, AND I'VE
CONSULTED WITH THE GODS, PLURAL. WE GO TO CATHOLIC SCHOOL. GROW UP!
THE SOLO GOES TO KAYLA! SEEMS FAIR TO ME. WAIT, WAIT.
I HAVE AN IDEA. CHRISTMAS IS A SEASON OF TOGETHERNESS.
SO WHY DON'T WE ALL DO THE SOLO TOGETHER? US TOO?
EVEN ME? ALL OF US. AND LET'S PUT OUR WHOLE P WORDS
INTO IT. I LOVE THIS WOMAN! * FALL ON YOUR KNEES, OH HEAR
THE ANGEL VOICES, OH NIGHT DIVINE, OH NIGHT DIVINE *
SZA. ** * PEOPLE WANT ME *
* TO GET RATCHET PEOPLE WANT ME TO ATTACK IT *
* PUT THE HOOD ON NOW THEY CALLIN' ME CASSIUS *
* RAUNCHY LIKE BOB SAGET GREEDY I CAN'T PASS IT EATIN' EVERYTHING *
* I'M DOING I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU KNEW ME *
* IN THE PAST TENSE I AIN'T NO JULIA STILES THIS AIN'T NO LAST DANCE
WAY PAST IT * * WAY ROLLIN' ON MY EX
'CAUSE HE VALIDATE ME OPEN UP A CHECK * * I DON'T WANT NO RECEIPT
MIND KEEP POSSESSED LET MY SPIRIT SPEAK FREELY HEY *
* 'CAUSE MY PAST CAN'T ESCAPE ME MY -- PRECEDES ME *
* MY MY HOW THE TIMES CHANGE YOU STILL PLAYIN'
THE VICTIM * * AND I'M STILL PLAYIN' THE PICK-ME
IT'S SO EMBARRASSING * * ALL OF THE THINGS I NEED LIVING INSIDE OF ME
I CAN'T SEE IT IT'S SO EMBARRASSING * * ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK
LIVING INSIDE OF ME I CAN'T SEE * * I'M BLIND
BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND *
* YOU AIN'T GETTING YOUR CHICK BACK CALM DOWN IF YOU
WOULD NEVER SAY THAT * * I DON'T WANT TO PLAY I'D RATHER GET PAYBACK
MOMMA TOLD ME NEVER PAY FOR YOUR MAN * * I DON'T WANT TO
BREAK THIS I HURT TOO MUCH I LOST TOO MUCH *
* I LOVE TOO MUCH IN MY PASSION GROWN HEARD THEY POP OUT THE ZONE *
* I LIKE IT WHEN YOU PULL UP AT THE RED LIGHT I LIKE ALL THE VIOLENCE
GIVE ME THAT FUNCTION * * I LIKE WHEN YOU CALL AND WE COULD GO ALL NIGHT
BETTER WHEN YOU HIGH NEVER TELL ME I'M BONKERS * * MY PAST CAN'T ESCAPE ME
MY COOCHIE CAN BEAT ME MY MY HOW THE TIMES CHANGE * * YOU STILL TALKIN'
'BOUT BABIES AND I'M STILL TAKIN' THE PLAN B *
* IT'S SO EMBARRASSING ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK LIVING INSIDE OF ME
I CAN'T SEE IT * * IT'S SO EMBARRASSING ALL OF THE LOVE I SEEK
SAID I CAN'T SEE I'M BLIND * * BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND
BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND BLIND * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
DECK. WE WANT TO THANK YOU AGAIN FOR FLYING WITH US.
SHOULD BE A SMOOTH RIDE TO HAWAII. I'M GOING TO ASK THE FLIGHT
ATTENDANTS TO DIM THE CABIN LIGHTS AND LET YOU FOLKS GET SOME REST.
THAT'S REAL CUTE, BUT THESE LIGHTS GOING TO GO AHEAD AND STAY ON.
WAKE Y'ALL AS UP, BECAUSE THIS IS A BIG MOMENT FOR CHERYL AND I NOW.
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE. WHAT YOU JUST WITNESSED IS DENISE AND I LOGGING OUR
MILLIONth MILE AS FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
FA-LA-LA-LA-BONUS. THIS PLANE IS ALSO CELEBRATING A VERY SPECIAL
OCCASION TONIGHT. THIS PLANE HAS NOW FLOWN 10 MILLION MILES.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 10 MILLION MILES. THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT.
OH, IT'S NOT JUST A LOT. IT'S ILLEGAL. UH-HUH.
BUT DON'T TELL NOBODY BECAUSE WE MADE SOME GOOD MEMORIES ON THIS PLANE HERE.
OKAY. REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITTY PLANE CRASH WE GOT INTO?
YES, GIRL. REMEMBER THAT BIG PLANE CRASH, THOUGH?
THIS PLANE HAS BEEN IN MORE THAN ONE CRASH? MA'AM, THIS PLANE BEEN IN A
BUNCH OF CRASHES. GIRL, YOU ARE ON A ROLL TONIGHT.
I FEEL GOOD. WE JUST FLEW A MILLEY, A MILLEY, A MILLEY.
EXCUSE ME. I'M FLYING TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, AND I DO NOT NEED THIS
RIGHT NOW. YOU BEEN THROUGH A LOT. MA'AM, NOT TO WORRY.
YOU GROW THROUGH WHAT YOU GO THROUGH, JUST LIKE THIS PLANE. THIS PLANE HERE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
OLD AS HELL, Y'ALL. THIS PLANE LIVED THROUGH SEGREGATION.
LOOK AT THE SIGN ON THE BATHROOM. WHITES ONLY.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? UH-HUH. THAT'S VERY UPSETTING.
EVERYTHING YOU'RE SAYING IS. OKAY? CAN YOU STOP TALKING SO I CAN
WATCH A MOVIE? WELL, I WAS ABOUT TO TELL YOU HOW THE ENGINE WASN'T STARTING
EARLIER, BUT LET ME NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO WATCH PORN. THE ENGINE ISN'T STARTING?
NOPE. AND I FOUND THIS HERE SCREW UNDER THE PLANE BEFORE WE TOOK
OFF. NOBODY KNOWS WHERE IT'S FROM OR WHERE IT GOES.
AND THAT'S A LONG-ASS SCREW, SO YOU KNOW IT'S ESSENTIAL. WHAT?
OH, MY GOSH! WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
DID THE PLANE JUST LIKE TURN OFF? SIR, IT'S 1:00 A.M., THE
ENGINE'S JUST TAKING A LITTLE NAP. Y'ALL DON'T NEED TO DO ALL
THAT. GIRL, GO GET THE CABLE. SEE THAT THERE.
WASN'T NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. HEY, FOLKS, JUST HAD A LITTLE HICCUP WITH THE ENGINE THERE.
SHOULD BE FINE NOW. WAIT A MINUTE. IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT.
THAT MEANS IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. HAPPY 90th BIRTHDAY, CAPTAIN! 90th?
OKAY, Y'ALL. WE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND DIM THE CABIN LIGHTS SO Y'ALL CAN GET
Y'ALL SOME REST. WELL, NOBODY'S GOING TO BE ABLE TO SLEEP NOW.
IT'S BECAUSE YOU EXCITED, RIGHT? THAT'S GOOD.
BECAUSE TO LAND, WE'RE GOING TO NEED EVERYONE TO RUN TO THE FRONT OF THE PLANE TO HELP US
POINT DOWN. WE ARE TALKING FLOOR IT. WE GOT TO WORK TOGETHER,
Y'ALL.
INCREDIBLE CAST FOR LETTING ME A PART OF THEIR TEAM. Y'ALL HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!