1 00:00:05,873 --> 00:00:08,375 All right, all right. 2 00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:11,278 Here we are, ma'am. 3 00:00:11,278 --> 00:00:14,248 Here you are. Here is your Washington redskin. 4 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:17,050 That's a shot of Campari in an empty potato skin. 5 00:00:17,050 --> 00:00:18,218 Thank you. 6 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:23,290 So world peace. Yeah, it should be any day now. 7 00:00:23,290 --> 00:00:27,761 All right, all right. 8 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,130 He's warming. 9 00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:31,899 All right. Cut, cut the jukebox. 10 00:00:31,899 --> 00:00:35,335 Cut it. 11 00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:39,706 My man. 12 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,408 Drove both. 13 00:00:41,408 --> 00:00:43,176 Okay, okay. 14 00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:46,079 Secretary Hegseth, can I get you your usual? 15 00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:50,117 A shot of beer with a, pint of whiskey and draft and into it. 16 00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:54,421 That's right. The reverse Irish car bomb. Yes. 17 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,556 It's just nice to have my sneaky bar here 18 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,859 where I'm not going to run into anyone from work 19 00:00:58,859 --> 00:01:02,062 because none of Trump's people like drinking as much as I do. 20 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,931 Wrong. 21 00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:08,168 Oh. Come on. 22 00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:12,272 Oh, yeah. Whoa! Yes! Kavanaugh. 23 00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:15,842 What is up? Order! Order in the court! 24 00:01:15,842 --> 00:01:17,578 Yes! Order! 25 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,646 I find in favor of six Bud 26 00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,115 Lights and three shots of Jaimoe. Yes. 27 00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:26,620 Come on. Yep. A63 decision coming right up, Your Honor. 28 00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:27,187 Whoa. 29 00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,557 Pistol Pete, I kind of figured I was going to find you here. 30 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:34,061 Oh, did I include you on a signal chat by accident? 31 00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:39,900 No, no, I just saw the women covering their drinks. 32 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,401 That could be you, too. 33 00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:45,772 I got I got like that, it's just great that we share that. 34 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,609 It is fun. It is. It's fun. We share that. 35 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:53,680 Hey, can I just say we are both kicking ass right now, right? 36 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:57,451 Dude, can you believe I just, like, started a war? 37 00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,287 Can you believe I ended abortion? 38 00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:02,189 Hey, your body. My choice. 39 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:06,793 Well, you knew I'd do it. You'd have to do it. 40 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,228 How is the war going, by the way? 41 00:02:08,228 --> 00:02:09,563 Oh, it's totally chill. 42 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,531 It's, it's totally chill. 43 00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:14,634 Or at this point, it's like me at a DWI checkpoint. 44 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:18,338 It completely blew over. Oh, yeah. Really? 45 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,341 I thought I read we were, We were still bomb and stuff. 46 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:22,409 No. Just like a few. 47 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:26,013 Every now and then, we can stop whenever we want to. 48 00:02:26,013 --> 00:02:26,546 Oh. That's cool. 49 00:02:26,546 --> 00:02:28,515 Check this out. 50 00:02:28,515 --> 00:02:28,815 What are you. 51 00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:30,050 What is this? What do you been up to? 52 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,519 Well, it's the new, 53 00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:35,088 voting district that I approved in Tennessee. 54 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,390 Oh, wow. Oh, wait. 55 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:39,192 Actually, no, that's, that's a field sobriety test. 56 00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,828 They told me to draw a circle. 57 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:44,831 Dude, you were really close. Thanks, Kim. Is that it? 58 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:49,603 You knew. You knew it was the shape. Yeah. 59 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,905 I appreciate that. To be honest with you, man. 60 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:52,439 Sure. 61 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,475 It's just that I worked so hard on this Iran war, 62 00:02:55,475 --> 00:02:58,578 and I'm just worried it's gonna end. 63 00:02:58,578 --> 00:03:00,147 You know, it's kind of like 64 00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:04,818 I took a bunch of blue chew and then didn't bang anyone. 65 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:09,189 Like, okay, I guess I'll just watch Seinfeld bricked up. 66 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:12,659 Yeah. Thank God we got each other right. Yeah. 67 00:03:12,659 --> 00:03:16,530 You know what the real war is right now? The real war. 68 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:19,466 It's the war against 69 00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:22,669 male loneliness. 70 00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:26,173 I used to have all my buddies to hang out with 71 00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:29,376 PJ and Toby, 72 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,778 squeeze 73 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:34,448 gang bang. Greg. Yeah. 74 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,550 Doctor William Cosby. 75 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:40,287 I just wish there were more people 76 00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,457 in this administration who could really hang. 77 00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:49,963 Does this bar take Cash? 78 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:53,233 Yes. Oh, yeah. 79 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,736 Oh, yeah. Touching. Let's go. 80 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:59,573 So what's up? Are we wild and out tonight or what? 81 00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:03,577 Yeah, we always wild. K-pop demon hunter. 82 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,245 Yeah. I got nothing to do tomorrow. 83 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:10,350 You know, because of the cease fire. 84 00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:14,287 Oh, guys, check this out. 85 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:19,659 I made my own FBI bourbon with my name on it. Yes. 86 00:04:19,659 --> 00:04:23,029 Somehow this is a real thing that I, 87 00:04:23,029 --> 00:04:28,001 the FBI director, had made. This is real. Wow. 88 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,770 I bring my own alcohol to bars 89 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,539 because sometimes they think I'm a kid with the fake ID, 90 00:04:32,539 --> 00:04:36,910 they say, oh, no adult would make this face in official photo 91 00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:43,917 But seriously, we're all living the American dream. 92 00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:47,487 I'm the first person in my family to go to college 93 00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:51,158 parties many years after graduating. 94 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:53,393 Hey, K9, is that rumor true that you make 95 00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:56,563 everybody in the FBI take a polygraph? No. 96 00:04:56,563 --> 00:05:01,535 I told them to make a graph of everyone in the FBI who's poly. 97 00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:05,172 My girlfriend wants to open up our relationship. 98 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:06,740 Come on. Yeah. 99 00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:07,240 She went. 100 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:09,543 She says she wants to bring other dudes into the bedroom. 101 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:12,012 And for me to stay in the living room. 102 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,581 Hey, since we're opening up, can I tell you guys something? 103 00:05:14,581 --> 00:05:16,449 Top secret. Brother. 104 00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:20,187 Everything's a secret when you're blacked out, right? 105 00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:23,957 All right, we're going to let Trump do a third term. 106 00:05:23,957 --> 00:05:27,160 Oh. Come on. 107 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,296 I thought that was unconstitutional. 108 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,931 Yeah, it was, 109 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:33,200 but Trump found the original constitution, 110 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,703 and at the end he wrote, like we're going to live forever. 111 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:38,605 Whoa! Yes. 112 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:39,806 All right. Sorry, gentlemen. 113 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:42,142 It's your least favorite words in the entire world. 114 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:46,646 Last call. Oh, so what's it going to be? 115 00:05:46,646 --> 00:05:50,050 Well, I guess I'll drink a whiskey drink. 116 00:05:50,050 --> 00:05:52,419 I drink a vodka drink. I'll drink lager Drink. 117 00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,187 Drink a cider drink 118 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,257 I get knocked down, but I get up again. 119 00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:01,628 Hey, calm me down now I get knocked down 120 00:06:01,628 --> 00:06:03,630 >> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 121 00:06:03,630 --> 00:06:05,866 SATURDAY NIGHT! 122 00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,538 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 123 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,674 NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 124 00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:08,922 MUSICAL GUEST NOAH KAHAN! 125 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,727 AND YOUR HOST, MATT DAMON! 126 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:20,100 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- MATT 127 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,434 DAMON! 128 00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,035 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 129 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:36,649 ♪♪ 130 00:08:36,649 --> 00:08:40,353 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 131 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,021 Thank you. 132 00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:43,056 Thank you so much. 133 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,090 I'm so happy to be here. 134 00:08:44,090 --> 00:08:49,229 Guys, this is my third time hosting. 135 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:52,032 Which seems a little low, right? 136 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,167 I mean, just considering I've been around for, 137 00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:57,270 like, 30 years, but that's okay. I'm here now. 138 00:08:57,270 --> 00:09:00,774 I'm really excited because I have a new movie coming out. 139 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:05,378 It's called The Odyssey. 140 00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,646 And it is in theaters. 141 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:08,648 Not this weekend, not next weekend, 142 00:09:08,648 --> 00:09:13,019 but nine weekends from now mid-July, baby. 143 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,388 So we got more good news. 144 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:19,359 It is Mother's Day tomorrow. Yeah. 145 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,327 And I know normally SNL flies 146 00:09:21,327 --> 00:09:22,896 all the cast moms in for the show. 147 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,065 First class. No expense spared. 148 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,800 Apparently that was going to happen again this year. 149 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,068 But then Spirit Airlines shut down. 150 00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,938 So for all of you waiting to see the cast moms, 151 00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:34,707 I'm sorry it ain't happening tonight. 152 00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:38,912 Sorry. You said the cast moms aren't coming tonight. 153 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,180 Yeah, that's right sir. 154 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,149 No cast moms this year. Oh, okay. 155 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:46,319 But Marcello's mom is here, right? 156 00:09:46,319 --> 00:09:50,123 No, she's not here. I'm sorry that wasn't in the cards. 157 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,625 Well, I'd really like to meet her, 158 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:55,795 but I don't know what to tell you. We got to move on. 159 00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:56,930 In about 15 minutes. 160 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,098 It is going to be Mother's Day. 161 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:01,468 And I realize for a lot of you, you're probably freaking out 162 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,570 because you didn't get your mother a gift. 163 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,138 Don't worry. I thought about this. 164 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:09,375 I got you guys covered. Just send her this. 165 00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:12,812 Hey, there. It's me, Matt Damon. 166 00:10:12,812 --> 00:10:14,013 I bet you thought your kid 167 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:18,585 forgot to get you a mother's day gift. No, this is your gift. 168 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:21,354 A personal message for me. 169 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,355 But wait. 170 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,057 I'm confused. 171 00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,826 Your kid asked me to make a video for their mom. 172 00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:29,162 But you're their sister, right? 173 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:30,263 What? 174 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,732 Shut up! No way. 175 00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:37,270 Because you don't look a day over. You're kidding me. 176 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:41,040 I would have guessed, like 28, 29. 177 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:44,477 How old am I? Old enough to know what I'm doing? 178 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:47,847 Young enough to do it? Well. 179 00:10:47,847 --> 00:10:49,349 Listen, I got to go. 180 00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,818 But you deserve a night out. 181 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:55,088 You tell your partner to take you out on a date. 182 00:10:55,088 --> 00:10:56,523 Not this weekend. 183 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:59,626 Not next weekend, but nine weekends from now. 184 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:01,828 There's a movie I think you're really going to like. 185 00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:07,600 Happy mother's day. So. 186 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,269 Just clip that and send it to your mom. 187 00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:10,603 You're all set. 188 00:11:10,603 --> 00:11:14,507 Hey! Dumb ass. Marcello's mom is here. 189 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,442 Hi, Matt. Damon. Okay, mom. 190 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:19,979 Get away from this weirdo. Okay. Bye. Matt. Damon. 191 00:11:19,979 --> 00:11:22,248 We got a great show. Noah Kahan is here. 192 00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:25,952 So is Marcello's mom. Stick around. We'll be right back. 193 00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:43,670 You're watching the Monster Channel? Yep. That's real. 194 00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,471 We now return to Godzilla. 195 00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:49,409 King of the monsters to Dawn of the King of All Monsters. 196 00:11:52,779 --> 00:11:54,113 Admiral on deck. 197 00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:56,049 At Ease 198 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:59,152 I just got to sleep. This better be good. 199 00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,254 Admiral, we're tracking a sizable anomaly 200 00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:02,589 in the Pacific Ocean. 201 00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:05,625 Heading west towards the northern California coastline. 202 00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,861 You woke me up for a Russian reconnaissance sub. 203 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:11,164 This is no sub, sir. 204 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:15,268 Admiral, you might want to take a look at this. 205 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:19,339 The USS Indiana just sent a sonar scan of the location. 206 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:24,944 Whatever this thing is, it's as tall as the ocean is deep. 207 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:27,880 What's the depth there? 208 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:32,118 20 500ft. 209 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:33,553 What? 210 00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,722 There's something the size of two Empire 211 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,625 State Building swimming in our ocean. 212 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:42,128 Admiral, you might want to take a look at this. 213 00:12:42,128 --> 00:12:46,332 It's making impact. Tremors on the ocean floor. 214 00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:48,768 It's not swimming, sir. 215 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:53,206 It's walking. 216 00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,540 It's walking. 217 00:12:54,540 --> 00:12:58,611 What the hell is this thing, Admiral? 218 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:00,580 You might want to take a look at that. 219 00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:03,549 Jesus. What? Now the stress is drying me out. 220 00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:06,919 Can I get, like, a thick green juice that I like? 221 00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:07,820 Here you are, sir. 222 00:13:07,820 --> 00:13:13,993 Thank you. 223 00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:19,632 What do we got, officer? 224 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:21,267 Do you want to join in? 225 00:13:21,267 --> 00:13:25,638 Finish the sip. That's in your mouth, sir. 226 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,439 All right. 227 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:31,444 Would you like to savor the taste? Okay. 228 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:35,348 Well, I'm looking at the thermal imaging, so, 229 00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,350 is there pineapple in this? 230 00:13:37,350 --> 00:13:39,552 No, sir. Just green sanders. 231 00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:44,691 Oh, it tasted like pineapple for a second. Sorry, Admiral. 232 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,793 We just lost contact with the submarine. 233 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,795 All their comms are offline. 234 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:52,165 Yeah, the data is showing it suffered total hull failure. 235 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,500 I'll try and get the video from it's clear. Cam. 236 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,235 Lock in people. 237 00:13:56,235 --> 00:13:58,738 We're going to be here for a while. I should eat something. 238 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:01,074 Can I get some of that runny, lumpy yogurt that I like? 239 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:08,214 I access the video, sir. 240 00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:11,017 Let me see it. 241 00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:11,984 Oh my God. 242 00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:12,552 Jesus. 243 00:14:12,819 --> 00:14:14,754 Officer Harris, I just saw that thing. 244 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:19,025 Grab a nuclear submarine and crush it like an empty soda can. 245 00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:20,760 That cannot be possible. 246 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,396 So I need you to look me in the eyes right now 247 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:27,300 and tell me that video is authentic. 248 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,167 Your yogurt, sir. 249 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:34,173 Thank you. 250 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,378 Thanks so much. 251 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:43,516 In your mouth, sir. The. 252 00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,386 The video is authentic. Wow. 253 00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:50,056 Well, I lost my appetite. 254 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:53,059 Can I get a huge ice cold water, please? 255 00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:53,860 Here you go, sir. 256 00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:54,660 Thank you. 257 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:57,396 Admiral, I'm getting a transmission from Okinawa, 258 00:14:57,396 --> 00:14:59,198 but it's in Japanese. 259 00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:03,970 I know Japanese. 260 00:15:03,970 --> 00:15:05,972 You speak Japanese? 261 00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,007 Yes, yes I do. 262 00:15:08,007 --> 00:15:10,676 I. I dated a girl from Japan, 263 00:15:10,676 --> 00:15:14,447 and I lived there for three years, sir. What? She hot? 264 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:16,015 I don't know why that matters. 265 00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:17,350 Not really. 266 00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,684 Sorry to hear that. 267 00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:23,055 Now go translate that message. Of course. Excuse me. 268 00:15:23,055 --> 00:15:25,258 Okay. 269 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:28,795 All right. There's a lot of static. 270 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,064 Hey, guys, it's really important that everybody stays hydrated. 271 00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:34,200 This is a high stress situation. 272 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,502 I need everybody drinking a lot of water. Thank you. 273 00:15:36,502 --> 00:15:39,172 Thank you. Admiral. 274 00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:40,440 Okay. 275 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,509 Okay. They're saying, monster destroyed. 276 00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:49,515 Okinawa base with laser from mouth. 277 00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:57,456 Oh my God! Oh my God! They're. They're calling it. 278 00:15:57,456 --> 00:15:59,492 They're calling it Godzilla. 279 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:06,165 Oh, no no no no no, sir, please. 280 00:16:06,165 --> 00:16:08,468 Did you just say Godzilla? 281 00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:11,170 Everyone, please stop! 282 00:16:11,170 --> 00:16:13,706 I'm so wet. 283 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,141 So wet. 284 00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:17,009 I know a lot of high stakes 285 00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:20,413 information is being revealed, but please, 286 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:24,784 if you can just try and spit away from me, please. 287 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:29,755 Sorry I didn't get to do it yet. 288 00:16:29,755 --> 00:16:32,291 Oh, God. He's here. 289 00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:48,074 This Mother's Day, a movie especially made for mom. 290 00:16:48,074 --> 00:16:50,776 Kids, what are you doing here? 291 00:16:50,776 --> 00:16:52,712 You know, we wouldn't miss Mother's Day. 292 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,146 Oh, come in, come in. 293 00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:56,649 With all the things she loves in movies 294 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,518 and none of the things she doesn't. 295 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,554 Actually, we have some news. 296 00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:06,225 We're going to move back home. What's up? Introducing mom. 297 00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:07,126 The movie. 298 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,228 The only movie completely devoid 299 00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,532 of conflict, suspense and dramatic tension. 300 00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,867 Just things that work out for mom. 301 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:15,635 Oh, no. 302 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,670 Mom. It's the big pickleball tournament 303 00:17:17,670 --> 00:17:20,506 at the same time as my baby shower. 304 00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:24,010 Now they're on different days. Great. 305 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,113 Because moms have enough stress, so why not 306 00:17:27,113 --> 00:17:31,717 let them feel good for a day with dialog like mom. 307 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,388 You're really good, mom. And it's twins. 308 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:37,323 Oh, yeah. That's true. 309 00:17:37,323 --> 00:17:39,558 And that is a great story, mom. 310 00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:41,060 And I love that you told me 311 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,095 the race of all the people involved. 312 00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:46,465 Moms are the hardest working people in the world. 313 00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:49,035 They deserve a movie where the house is clean, 314 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:52,038 the kids are home, and the husband is straight up 315 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:53,172 Matt Damon. 316 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:55,975 I just love being married to you, Matt Damon. 317 00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:58,544 I feel the same way. Rhonda. 318 00:17:58,544 --> 00:17:59,545 Rhonda. 319 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:01,213 Damon. Remind me again how we met. 320 00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:02,381 Well, 321 00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:04,684 I was giving a talk back after a movie I did, and I 322 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,520 noticed your massive necklace from the stage. 323 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,724 Now you want to go upstairs to make love? 324 00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:16,462 No, to do a fashion show with everything in your closet. 325 00:18:16,462 --> 00:18:19,098 Oh, okay. 326 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:23,169 Well, are you sure? 327 00:18:23,169 --> 00:18:25,771 Yeah, sure. 328 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,708 A story by moms for moms. 329 00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:30,710 Hey, is that the pink puffy purse 330 00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,578 I bought you with the big old gold chain? 331 00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:33,312 You're right. 332 00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,847 It goes with everything. 333 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:38,384 Mom, the movie is a hit, and audiences are raving. 334 00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,620 I liked when the kids all needed their birth certificates 335 00:18:41,620 --> 00:18:43,222 and she had them. 336 00:18:43,222 --> 00:18:45,257 And it's designed with the understanding 337 00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:49,962 that most moms will fall asleep after 23 minutes. 338 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:51,831 So after that point, the characters 339 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:55,301 just move things around and smile. 340 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,103 I loved when the entire family 341 00:18:57,103 --> 00:18:59,505 watched a full episode of House hunters. 342 00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:01,607 It was helpful when the characters put on name 343 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:04,210 tags so the audience could track who was who. 344 00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:07,246 It was a nice touch. How bout that, Mark Damon? 345 00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:10,383 And rest assured, if something bad happens, 346 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:13,019 it'll be to someone you don't like. 347 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,488 Mom, did you hear? 348 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,056 Your friend is sick. 349 00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:20,526 Oh. Which one? Judith. 350 00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:23,229 The one who said your porch pillars were ugly. 351 00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:27,366 Oh. How sad. 352 00:19:27,366 --> 00:19:30,770 So treat your mom to a movie so tailor made to her 353 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,905 and wonder if she wrote it herself. You 354 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:39,211 mind if I slip into something a little more comfortable? 355 00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:40,846 Rhonda Damon. 356 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:44,083 Jason. Flippin Bourne. Mom. 357 00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,953 The movie streaming now on HomeGoods. Plus. 358 00:19:58,497 --> 00:19:59,665 Hey, there you go, sweetheart. 359 00:19:59,665 --> 00:20:00,800 Enjoy that. 360 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,803 Oh, that's nice. And sweet. That's nice for you to bother. 361 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:07,006 Do you think you can keep it? Whoa whoa whoa. No! 362 00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:11,777 Hey! Get the hell out of here! Go back to sleep, okay. 363 00:20:11,777 --> 00:20:14,947 Strong with this guy, Push it in the air like that. 364 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:15,648 You know what it is? 365 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,783 Everybody thinks they're a tough guy these days. 366 00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:19,351 And that's true. That's true. 367 00:20:19,351 --> 00:20:21,787 Hey, hey, speaking of tough guys. 368 00:20:21,787 --> 00:20:22,988 Listen to this. 369 00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:26,692 Yeah, this guy's smoking a cigaret right outside my house. 370 00:20:26,692 --> 00:20:29,361 He flicks his cigaret right onto my lawn. 371 00:20:29,361 --> 00:20:32,364 So I go, hey, pick it up. 372 00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,232 He looks me in the eye. 373 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:36,936 He goes, make me. Oh, boy. 374 00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:39,972 So then what happened? I'll tell you what happened. 375 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,608 He kicked my ass. 376 00:20:42,608 --> 00:20:44,243 And then he made me pick up the cigaret. 377 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,079 I did, I picked it up with my mouth. Yeah. 378 00:20:47,079 --> 00:20:48,848 Everybody thinks they're tough guy these days. 379 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:51,717 Yeah, I had a run in myself recently. Oh, yeah? 380 00:20:51,717 --> 00:20:54,787 I see this tough guy at the grocery store. 381 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,989 He's yelling at the checkout girl. 382 00:20:56,989 --> 00:21:00,659 I go, hey, jackass, your mother ever teach you manners? 383 00:21:00,659 --> 00:21:03,863 Because if not, I'm going to teach you some right now. 384 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:06,132 Oh, boy. 385 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,033 So what did he say to that? Nothing. 386 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:12,104 He just kicked my ass right away. 387 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:16,642 Wheeled his chair over to me and laid me out flat. 388 00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:19,078 Hold on, hold on, hold on. He was in a wheelchair. 389 00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:21,447 Yeah, guy was, like, 100 years old. Of course he was. 390 00:21:21,447 --> 00:21:22,114 Of course. 391 00:21:22,515 --> 00:21:25,584 Anyways, rolling away and I go, that's all you got? 392 00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:30,322 There we go. There you go. Big, big mistake on my part. 393 00:21:30,322 --> 00:21:34,226 He came right back, took his little oxygen tube off his face. 394 00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:38,063 He stuck it right up my ass and he cranked it to full. 395 00:21:38,063 --> 00:21:40,432 This guy, he blows me up like I'm a friggin balloon. 396 00:21:40,432 --> 00:21:44,270 Oh my God. Unbelievable. I a unique punishment. 397 00:21:44,270 --> 00:21:46,472 It sure was. That's what I'm saying. 398 00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:48,574 You know, everybody's got to be a tough guy these days. 399 00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:52,511 Hey, tell me about it. I'm at church a few weeks back. 400 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:57,283 I turned to the guy behind me and I say, peace be with you. 401 00:21:57,283 --> 00:21:59,685 He kicks my ass. 402 00:21:59,685 --> 00:22:01,620 I say, father, how dare you? 403 00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:04,657 Oh my God, you're ruining my daughter's wedding! 404 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:07,193 Oh, it was. It was the priest. Yes. 405 00:22:07,193 --> 00:22:09,762 You know the phrase he put his foot in my ass. 406 00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:12,264 Oh, he didn't do that, did he? No. No, no. 407 00:22:12,264 --> 00:22:15,568 He put my foot in my ass. 408 00:22:15,568 --> 00:22:19,071 Both of them. Oh, my God, not your feet. 409 00:22:19,071 --> 00:22:19,972 That's terrible. 410 00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,840 But other than that, it was a beautiful ceremony. 411 00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:23,576 Was a beautiful ceremony. 412 00:22:23,576 --> 00:22:25,978 I tell you, even the kids think they're tough guys now. 413 00:22:25,978 --> 00:22:28,547 The other day, I asked my son what he wants for breakfast. 414 00:22:28,547 --> 00:22:29,448 Right? 415 00:22:29,448 --> 00:22:32,117 So he kicks my ass. Oh, 416 00:22:32,117 --> 00:22:34,486 I look at my wife, I go, what's wrong with this kid? 417 00:22:34,486 --> 00:22:36,589 And she kicks me. That's insane. 418 00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:39,191 Some of the tough guys are girls. Absolutely. 419 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,292 Oh, absolutely. No. 420 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,462 Life used to be a little more civilized a few years back. 421 00:22:43,462 --> 00:22:46,665 I had words with this tough guy, but we didn't fight. 422 00:22:46,665 --> 00:22:47,833 Instead, 423 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:50,903 he picked up a dirty quarter off the ground, 424 00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:54,607 and he said I had to keep it in my mouth forever. 425 00:22:54,607 --> 00:22:58,143 And if he ever saw me, he was going to yell, quote, a check. 426 00:22:58,143 --> 00:23:01,847 And if it were me in there, he was going to kick my ass. 427 00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:04,917 Oh that's tough. Those days are long gone, man. 428 00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:05,884 Listen to this. 429 00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:07,286 Christmas Eve, right? 430 00:23:07,286 --> 00:23:08,420 I'm at a bar 431 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:12,291 and I go, hey, everybody, this next round is on me, right? 432 00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:12,892 And he's tough. 433 00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:17,563 Guy goes, I don't need no charity, you A-hole. 434 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:24,136 And then he kicked your ass. I wish he captured me. 435 00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:25,604 What do you mean, he captured you? 436 00:23:25,604 --> 00:23:28,741 He captured me. I don't know how to say it. 437 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:30,442 The guy captured me. 438 00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:34,747 He puts me in a dog cage in his basement. 439 00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:35,481 Right. 440 00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:38,784 He's giving me a gummy bear every eight hours. 441 00:23:38,784 --> 00:23:41,320 Every eight hours, I get one gummy bear. Yellow. One, two. 442 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,722 Not even a red one. A yellow gummy bear. 443 00:23:43,722 --> 00:23:45,991 Right. And at first, I'm pissed off. 444 00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:48,627 But a few weeks go by and I realize I go. 445 00:23:48,627 --> 00:23:50,729 I'm actually excited to see him. 446 00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:51,163 You know, 447 00:23:51,497 --> 00:23:52,765 when he comes home, I'm pumped up 448 00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:55,901 because he's finally going to give me my little gummy bear. 449 00:23:55,901 --> 00:23:58,971 I'm waiting for my gummy bear. You know I want it bad. 450 00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:00,973 And he's training me, is what he's doing. 451 00:24:00,973 --> 00:24:02,741 I'm like his dog, you know? 452 00:24:02,741 --> 00:24:05,277 And he even one day he leaves the cage unlocked. 453 00:24:05,277 --> 00:24:07,379 But I don't run away. 454 00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:08,547 Oh, because you're a good boy. 455 00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:13,752 He said I'm a good boy now. You know I'm learning tricks. 456 00:24:13,752 --> 00:24:15,821 I'm not having accidents no more. 457 00:24:15,821 --> 00:24:18,557 I'm being where I'm supposed to go. I'm doing what I gotta do. 458 00:24:18,557 --> 00:24:21,360 You know, and sometimes I think about leaving, you know? 459 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,196 But then I say to myself, don't be a moron. 460 00:24:24,196 --> 00:24:27,566 If you leave, you're not going to get your gummy bears, right? 461 00:24:27,566 --> 00:24:28,267 That's right. 462 00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:31,670 And besides, by now, I'm dedicated to this guy. 463 00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:34,306 You know, I mean, I love him. He's my whole world. 464 00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:37,743 I tell him I go to him, I go, I belong to you. 465 00:24:37,743 --> 00:24:42,681 I'm your creature now. I would die for you. 466 00:24:42,681 --> 00:24:45,084 So then what happened? 467 00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:47,953 Well, then he kicked my ass. 468 00:24:47,953 --> 00:24:51,123 He waited until I loved him. And then he kicked my ass. 469 00:24:51,123 --> 00:24:53,859 I'm like, what the hell's going on? Hey hey hey hey! Watch out! 470 00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:58,464 Tough guy. 3:00. Oh, no. I gotta check it up. 471 00:24:58,464 --> 00:25:02,000 It's right here, boss. It's still in there. Good. 472 00:25:05,571 --> 00:25:07,473 Everybody's a tough guy these days. 473 00:25:07,473 --> 00:25:09,041 I thought we should take some class. 474 00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:18,851 Ever wish you knew how your cat was feeling? 475 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:22,421 Yes. Every dang day. Well, now you can. 476 00:25:22,421 --> 00:25:24,890 Now, with tidy care. Kitty litter. 477 00:25:24,890 --> 00:25:27,059 You know, tidy care of kitty litter. 478 00:25:27,059 --> 00:25:29,661 Provides color changing crystals for your cat's health 479 00:25:29,661 --> 00:25:32,064 monitoring with new tidy care technology, 480 00:25:32,064 --> 00:25:34,133 our kitty litter crystals turn orange 481 00:25:34,133 --> 00:25:36,301 at the first sign of a health issue, and green 482 00:25:36,301 --> 00:25:38,904 when your little fur baby is as healthy as can be. 483 00:25:38,904 --> 00:25:40,205 That's incredible. 484 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,074 Thanks. Tidy care. 485 00:25:42,074 --> 00:25:46,178 Oh, what does blue mean? Don't, 486 00:25:46,178 --> 00:25:48,981 Don't worry about it. Oh, 487 00:25:48,981 --> 00:25:51,717 okay. Great. 488 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,719 Hi, honey. Hi. 489 00:25:53,719 --> 00:25:57,956 It's blue again. It is? Yeah. 490 00:25:57,956 --> 00:26:01,326 Well, is the guy still here? Oh, I don't. I'm here. 491 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:05,297 Oh, what does blue mean? You don't want to know. 492 00:26:05,297 --> 00:26:09,268 No, we really do. Oh, okay. But, 493 00:26:09,268 --> 00:26:10,235 Okay. 494 00:26:10,235 --> 00:26:12,571 Our color changing crystals change to a bright 495 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:18,744 aquamarine blue at the first sign of human urine. 496 00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:19,645 What? 497 00:26:19,711 --> 00:26:22,214 The litter turns blue when people pee on them. 498 00:26:22,214 --> 00:26:24,683 But why? I don't know. It just. 499 00:26:24,683 --> 00:26:28,554 It just does. So that means someone in this house. 500 00:26:28,554 --> 00:26:29,154 Hey, mom. 501 00:26:29,154 --> 00:26:35,961 Hey, dad. 502 00:26:35,961 --> 00:26:37,096 You don't think our son. 503 00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:41,200 Oh, I do. Jesus Christ, why are you still here? 504 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,503 Come on. Don't you want to know who made it blue? It's the cat. 505 00:26:44,503 --> 00:26:46,438 Brother blue ain't no cat. 506 00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:50,542 Can I, mom, can I? Time now? Can I? 507 00:26:50,542 --> 00:26:51,543 Well, we all know where he's. 508 00:26:51,543 --> 00:26:54,279 Stop. 509 00:26:58,951 --> 00:26:59,818 Damn it! 510 00:26:59,818 --> 00:27:02,387 There goes your cat theory. Dumb ass. 511 00:27:02,387 --> 00:27:05,557 Danny! Danny, get it in here. 512 00:27:05,557 --> 00:27:08,460 Yeah. Dad, are you peeing in the litter box? 513 00:27:08,460 --> 00:27:11,597 What? Are you peeing in the litter box? 514 00:27:11,597 --> 00:27:17,002 No, don't lie to me. I'm not. I hate you. I hate you. 515 00:27:17,002 --> 00:27:18,937 I hate this house. 516 00:27:18,937 --> 00:27:20,239 It's a weird kid. 517 00:27:20,239 --> 00:27:22,508 Why would you ask him something like that? 518 00:27:22,508 --> 00:27:26,211 Dennis, he's the crystal. We're blue. Megan, they were blue. 519 00:27:26,211 --> 00:27:28,747 Hear yourself right now. It was the cat. 520 00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:31,483 She's just as dumb as the sun. Stay out of this. 521 00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:33,719 He doesn't do anything wrong. He's a good kid. 522 00:27:33,719 --> 00:27:35,254 I mean, he plays cello, for Christ's 523 00:27:35,254 --> 00:27:36,989 sake and pees in the litter box. 524 00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:37,789 Shut up. 525 00:27:37,956 --> 00:27:39,758 Well, then you tell me what's going on, Megan, 526 00:27:39,758 --> 00:27:44,530 because it sure as hell wasn't me. And if it wasn't him, then 527 00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:45,898 you are. 528 00:27:45,898 --> 00:27:49,368 Dennis. Oh, my God, it was you. 529 00:27:49,368 --> 00:27:51,503 Hey. Hey. I am a woman. 530 00:27:51,503 --> 00:27:55,140 I would have to squat so low. It all makes sense. 531 00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:57,476 I haven't seen you pee for days. 532 00:27:57,476 --> 00:28:01,446 You've never seen me pee. Exactly. You're nuts. 533 00:28:01,446 --> 00:28:04,249 I'm nuts. I'm nuts. Then what's this? 534 00:28:04,249 --> 00:28:08,520 This entire litter box is blue. You made the whole thing blue. 535 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,555 The cat. 536 00:28:09,555 --> 00:28:13,091 Blue ain't no cat. Hey, guys. What? 537 00:28:13,091 --> 00:28:15,460 Is that your dog? 538 00:28:15,460 --> 00:28:18,964 Yeah. My bad. Blue can also mean dog. 539 00:28:18,964 --> 00:28:20,632 Why would you say that? 540 00:28:20,632 --> 00:28:23,302 Tidy care. Kitty litter. It's usually the son. 541 00:28:37,549 --> 00:28:38,784 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NOAH 542 00:28:38,784 --> 00:28:39,851 KAHAN! 543 00:28:39,851 --> 00:28:44,656 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 544 00:28:44,656 --> 00:28:47,359 ♪♪ 545 00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:50,128 ♪ I CAN'T RECALL THE LAST TIME 546 00:28:50,128 --> 00:28:53,632 THAT WE TALKED ♪ 547 00:28:53,632 --> 00:28:55,901 ♪ ABOUT ANYTHING BUT LOOKING OUT 548 00:28:55,901 --> 00:28:57,469 FOR COPS ♪ 549 00:28:57,469 --> 00:28:59,638 ♪ WE GOT CIGARETTE BURNS IN THE 550 00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:01,873 SAME SIDE OF OUR HANDS ♪ 551 00:29:01,873 --> 00:29:02,874 ♪ WE AIN'T FRIENDS WE'RE JUST 552 00:29:02,874 --> 00:29:03,642 MORONS ♪ 553 00:29:03,642 --> 00:29:10,482 ♪ WHO BROKE SKIN IN THE SAME 554 00:29:10,482 --> 00:29:15,520 SPOT ♪ 555 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,256 ♪ YOU KNOW I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL 556 00:29:17,256 --> 00:29:23,395 THE TIME ♪ 557 00:29:23,395 --> 00:29:24,162 ♪ AND MY DEEP MISUNDERSTANDING 558 00:29:24,162 --> 00:29:25,397 OF YOUR LIFE ♪ 559 00:29:25,397 --> 00:29:26,398 ♪ HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR 560 00:29:26,398 --> 00:29:29,868 YOU BACK THEN ♪ 561 00:29:29,868 --> 00:29:30,869 ♪ AND HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP IT 562 00:29:30,869 --> 00:29:34,373 ALL INSIDE ♪ 563 00:29:34,373 --> 00:29:35,607 ♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN I HOPE 564 00:29:35,607 --> 00:29:40,879 YOU MARRY RICH ♪ 565 00:29:40,879 --> 00:29:42,381 ♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY 566 00:29:42,381 --> 00:29:46,885 ORDINARY-NESS ♪ 567 00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:47,886 ♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND 568 00:29:47,886 --> 00:29:53,125 CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪ 569 00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:53,925 ♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE 570 00:29:53,925 --> 00:29:57,629 MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪ 571 00:29:57,629 --> 00:30:04,102 ♪♪ 572 00:30:04,102 --> 00:30:14,146 ♪♪ 573 00:30:14,146 --> 00:30:14,946 ♪ YOU INCHED YOURSELF ACROSS THE 574 00:30:14,946 --> 00:30:15,881 GREAT DIVIDE ♪ 575 00:30:15,881 --> 00:30:16,882 ♪ DROVE AIMLESSLY ALONG WITH THE 576 00:30:16,882 --> 00:30:19,618 TWIN STATE LINE ♪ 577 00:30:19,618 --> 00:30:21,887 ♪ I HEARD NOTHING BUT THE BASS 578 00:30:21,887 --> 00:30:22,621 IN EVERY BALLAD THAT YOU'D 579 00:30:22,621 --> 00:30:25,390 PLAY ♪ 580 00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:26,892 ♪ WHILE YOU SWORE TO GOD THE 581 00:30:26,892 --> 00:30:34,132 SINGER READ YOUR MIND ♪ 582 00:30:34,132 --> 00:30:36,868 ♪ BUT THE WORLD IS SCARED OF 583 00:30:36,868 --> 00:30:37,636 HESITATING THINGS ♪ 584 00:30:37,636 --> 00:30:38,437 ♪ YEAH THEY ONLY SHOOT THE BIRDS 585 00:30:38,437 --> 00:30:41,373 WHO CANNOT SING ♪ 586 00:30:41,373 --> 00:30:44,609 ♪ AND I'M FINALLY AWARE OF HOW 587 00:30:44,609 --> 00:30:47,612 PETTY AND UNFAIR ♪ 588 00:30:47,612 --> 00:30:48,346 ♪ IT WAS TO STARE AHEAD LIKE 589 00:30:48,346 --> 00:30:56,154 EVERYTHING WAS FINE ♪ 590 00:30:56,154 --> 00:30:58,423 ♪♪ 591 00:30:58,423 --> 00:30:59,891 ♪♪ 592 00:30:59,891 --> 00:31:00,892 ♪ YOU KNOW I THINK ABOUT YOU ALL 593 00:31:00,892 --> 00:31:02,928 THE TIME ♪ 594 00:31:02,928 --> 00:31:04,162 ♪ AND MY DEEP MISUNDERSTANDING 595 00:31:04,162 --> 00:31:09,134 OF YOUR LIFE ♪ 596 00:31:09,134 --> 00:31:09,935 ♪ HOW BAD IT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR 597 00:31:09,935 --> 00:31:14,639 YOU BACK THEN ♪ 598 00:31:14,639 --> 00:31:15,607 ♪ AND HOW HARD IT WAS TO KEEP IT 599 00:31:15,607 --> 00:31:20,612 ALL INSIDE ♪ 600 00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:21,413 ♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN I HOPE 601 00:31:21,413 --> 00:31:26,118 YOU MARRY RICH ♪ 602 00:31:26,118 --> 00:31:28,386 ♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY 603 00:31:28,386 --> 00:31:32,390 ORDINARY-NESS ♪ 604 00:31:32,390 --> 00:31:33,892 ♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND 605 00:31:33,892 --> 00:31:39,131 CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪ 606 00:31:39,131 --> 00:31:39,931 ♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE 607 00:31:39,931 --> 00:31:43,368 MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪ 608 00:31:43,368 --> 00:31:48,140 ♪♪ 609 00:31:48,140 --> 00:32:00,619 ♪♪ 610 00:32:00,619 --> 00:32:01,386 ♪ RAGE IN SMALL WAYS DID YOU 611 00:32:01,386 --> 00:32:06,358 WISH THAT I COULD KNOW ♪ 612 00:32:06,358 --> 00:32:07,893 ♪ YOU'D FADE TO SOME PLACE I 613 00:32:07,893 --> 00:32:13,131 WASN'T BRAVE ENOUGH TO GO ♪ 614 00:32:13,131 --> 00:32:15,367 ♪ I HOPE YOU SETTLE DOWN 615 00:32:15,367 --> 00:32:18,904 I HOPE YOU MARRY RICH ♪ 616 00:32:18,904 --> 00:32:21,640 ♪ I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF ONLY 617 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:25,877 ORDINARY-NESS ♪ 618 00:32:25,877 --> 00:32:27,379 ♪ LIKE MURDERERS AND GHOSTS AND 619 00:32:27,379 --> 00:32:32,384 CANCER ON YOUR SKIN ♪ 620 00:32:32,384 --> 00:32:33,185 ♪ AND NOT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE 621 00:32:33,185 --> 00:32:40,392 MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪ 622 00:32:40,392 --> 00:32:43,128 ♪♪ 623 00:32:43,128 --> 00:32:46,131 ♪♪ 624 00:32:46,131 --> 00:32:51,870 ♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪ 625 00:32:51,870 --> 00:32:56,374 ♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪ 626 00:32:56,374 --> 00:33:01,146 ♪ AAHHH AAHHH ♪ 627 00:33:01,146 --> 00:33:03,381 ♪ I HOPE YOU THREW A BRICK RIGHT 628 00:33:03,381 --> 00:33:06,651 INTO THAT STAINED GLASS ♪ 629 00:33:06,651 --> 00:33:10,121 ♪ I HOPE YOU'RE WITH SOMEONE WHO 630 00:33:10,121 --> 00:33:13,391 ISN'T SCARED TO ASK ♪ 631 00:33:13,391 --> 00:33:14,893 ♪ I HOPE THAT YOU'RE NOT LOSING 632 00:33:14,893 --> 00:33:18,630 SLEEP ABOUT WHAT'S NEXT ♪ 633 00:33:18,630 --> 00:33:23,068 ♪ OR ABOUT YOUR SOUL AND WHAT HE 634 00:33:23,068 --> 00:33:27,839 MIGHT DO WITH IT ♪ 635 00:33:27,839 --> 00:33:34,246 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 636 00:33:51,897 --> 00:33:57,903 It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. 637 00:34:04,910 --> 00:34:06,278 Thank you. 638 00:34:06,278 --> 00:34:07,746 Thank you very much. Good evening everyone. 639 00:34:07,746 --> 00:34:09,347 Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. 640 00:34:09,347 --> 00:34:14,419 I'm Colin Jost. 641 00:34:14,419 --> 00:34:22,527 Well this week secretary of State Marco Rubio. 642 00:34:22,527 --> 00:34:23,628 Travel 643 00:34:23,628 --> 00:34:27,699 Marco Rubio traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Leo 644 00:34:27,699 --> 00:34:30,902 in an attempt to repair the U.S. relationship with the Vatican. 645 00:34:30,902 --> 00:34:36,641 After the Pope requested anyone but J.D. Vance. 646 00:34:36,641 --> 00:34:40,912 During their meeting, Marco Rubio 647 00:34:40,912 --> 00:34:45,550 also presented the Pope with a gift of an egg shaped crystal, 648 00:34:45,550 --> 00:34:48,086 which he bought on his favorite religious website. 649 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:52,490 Adam and eve.com. 650 00:34:52,490 --> 00:34:53,658 The Pentagon on Friday released 651 00:34:53,658 --> 00:34:56,461 never before seen files on UFOs. 652 00:34:56,461 --> 00:34:58,330 But don't worry, the most dangerous flying 653 00:34:58,330 --> 00:35:02,767 objects have already been eliminated. 654 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:05,403 The Supreme Court temporarily restored mail order 655 00:35:05,403 --> 00:35:08,640 access to abortion pills, citing prom season. 656 00:35:13,612 --> 00:35:15,480 World health authorities are tracking down 657 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,049 dozens of passengers who left a cruise ship 658 00:35:18,049 --> 00:35:20,619 where there was a deadly outbreak of hantavirus, 659 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:24,289 which is typically caused by exposure to rodent droppings. 660 00:35:24,289 --> 00:35:25,156 Damn it. 661 00:35:25,156 --> 00:35:31,129 That better not be you, Mickey. 662 00:35:32,397 --> 00:35:34,299 Yeah. 663 00:35:34,299 --> 00:35:35,166 Officials around 664 00:35:35,166 --> 00:35:36,735 the world are tracking passengers 665 00:35:36,735 --> 00:35:38,436 potentially infected with the virus. 666 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:42,007 Which sounds scary, but let the president calm your fears. 667 00:35:42,007 --> 00:35:43,341 It's a warning. 668 00:35:43,341 --> 00:35:47,946 This is very much. We hope. 669 00:35:47,946 --> 00:35:49,314 Oh, my God, that's. 670 00:35:49,314 --> 00:35:53,985 That's such great news. But why? Why does that sound familiar? 671 00:35:53,985 --> 00:35:56,788 The words about a pandemic at the smile of all 672 00:35:56,788 --> 00:35:59,958 you did, where we had it totally under control. 673 00:35:59,958 --> 00:36:03,561 One person can't get from China 674 00:36:03,561 --> 00:36:04,295 to control. 675 00:36:04,295 --> 00:36:08,600 It's going to be just like. 676 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:14,572 And it was. So. 677 00:36:15,974 --> 00:36:18,309 It needed them. 678 00:36:18,309 --> 00:36:21,746 President Trump dismissed weapons fire between the U.S. 679 00:36:21,746 --> 00:36:23,481 and Iran as a love trap. 680 00:36:23,481 --> 00:36:26,384 He also called gas prices. Gentle sodomy. 681 00:36:30,055 --> 00:36:35,460 FBI Director Casper. 682 00:36:35,460 --> 00:36:38,963 Well, play FBI Director Casper has reportedly been 683 00:36:38,963 --> 00:36:41,433 giving out bottles of his personalized 684 00:36:41,433 --> 00:36:45,170 whiskey to FBI staff. Cash for whiskey 685 00:36:45,170 --> 00:36:51,142 so strong, you won't be able to see straight. 686 00:36:51,409 --> 00:36:55,213 Jeffrey. 687 00:36:55,213 --> 00:36:57,282 Yeah. 688 00:36:57,282 --> 00:37:00,351 I have limits. 689 00:37:00,351 --> 00:37:03,154 Jeffrey Epstein's alleged suicide note was released 690 00:37:03,154 --> 00:37:04,289 and contains the phrase, 691 00:37:04,289 --> 00:37:07,692 what you want me to do, bust out crying, 692 00:37:07,692 --> 00:37:08,960 which is apparently referencing 693 00:37:08,960 --> 00:37:11,329 a line from a Little Rascals movie. 694 00:37:11,329 --> 00:37:12,964 And I think this note is real, 695 00:37:12,964 --> 00:37:18,970 because Little Rascals were Epstein's type. 696 00:37:20,405 --> 00:37:26,111 How? Housing Secretary RFK Jr posted a picture of himself 697 00:37:26,111 --> 00:37:29,814 holding a bird he caught at Dulles Airport, 698 00:37:29,814 --> 00:37:32,150 and then a second picture of himself burping. 699 00:37:32,150 --> 00:37:36,654 Fabulous. 700 00:37:36,654 --> 00:37:38,890 The FDA has authorized its first fruit 701 00:37:38,890 --> 00:37:41,926 flavored e-cigarette, intended for adults. 702 00:37:41,926 --> 00:37:44,729 Okay, but if it's for adults. And why is this the commercial? 703 00:37:49,801 --> 00:37:52,003 This week, President Trump met at the white House 704 00:37:52,003 --> 00:37:58,009 with the president of Brazil, a parrot with a Bible. 705 00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:01,513 I really wanted that one to work. 706 00:38:01,513 --> 00:38:04,415 Kamala Harris has reportedly told donors 707 00:38:04,415 --> 00:38:07,585 that she wants the DNC to release its autopsy 708 00:38:07,585 --> 00:38:11,289 of what went wrong in the 2024 campaign autopsy? 709 00:38:11,289 --> 00:38:11,656 Come on. 710 00:38:11,656 --> 00:38:17,629 He's not dead. 711 00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:21,766 Remember the parrot? 712 00:38:21,766 --> 00:38:24,035 The Met Gala took place in New York this week. 713 00:38:24,035 --> 00:38:25,470 Here to give his thoughts on fashion's 714 00:38:25,470 --> 00:38:27,005 biggest night is conservative 715 00:38:27,005 --> 00:38:28,973 political commentator Tucker Carlson. 716 00:38:28,973 --> 00:38:33,144 What? 717 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:33,745 Thank you. 718 00:38:33,745 --> 00:38:36,414 Call in the Met Gala. 719 00:38:36,414 --> 00:38:40,451 A night of fashion and fun, Really? 720 00:38:40,451 --> 00:38:41,986 Yes. Come on, everybody. 721 00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:45,623 Let's all prance around in our $100,000 clown outfits 722 00:38:45,623 --> 00:38:48,960 and watch the American empire crumble. 723 00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:50,595 What are we doing? 724 00:38:50,595 --> 00:38:52,931 What's going on? 725 00:38:52,931 --> 00:38:54,732 Say you didn't like this year's Met Gala. 726 00:38:54,732 --> 00:38:57,902 Oh, no, I loved it, because when I go to a museum, 727 00:38:57,902 --> 00:38:59,504 I don't want to talk about history. 728 00:38:59,504 --> 00:39:02,407 No, I want to look at the rock in a skirt. 729 00:39:03,675 --> 00:39:05,210 Do you smell what the rock is cooking? 730 00:39:05,210 --> 00:39:07,879 Because I do. It's gender confusion. 731 00:39:07,879 --> 00:39:11,649 That's the rule. That's the goal. Now. 732 00:39:11,649 --> 00:39:13,585 I don't think that's the goal, I think. 733 00:39:13,585 --> 00:39:15,520 I think it's just, like, meant to be fun. 734 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,121 Okay, well, what about Madonna? 735 00:39:17,121 --> 00:39:19,490 She named herself after the Virgin Mary. 736 00:39:19,490 --> 00:39:21,259 And you want to know my favorite thing 737 00:39:21,259 --> 00:39:22,860 about the mother of Jesus Christ? 738 00:39:22,860 --> 00:39:26,664 Oh, I know. The big pirate ship on her head. 739 00:39:26,664 --> 00:39:30,501 And I have to be attracted to this. 740 00:39:30,501 --> 00:39:32,337 You don't have to be attracted to any of it. 741 00:39:32,337 --> 00:39:34,305 I mean, weren't there any outfits you liked? 742 00:39:34,305 --> 00:39:36,641 I mean, Heidi Klum was fun, right? Oh, yes. 743 00:39:36,641 --> 00:39:39,410 The left has finally gotten what they've always wanted. 744 00:39:39,410 --> 00:39:45,383 They put the Statue of Liberty in a burka. 745 00:39:47,452 --> 00:39:48,720 Okay. 746 00:39:48,720 --> 00:39:51,022 And, you know, you know, 747 00:39:52,657 --> 00:39:54,359 you know, that's not what she was doing. 748 00:39:54,359 --> 00:39:55,093 What's next? 749 00:39:55,093 --> 00:39:56,361 Does the Chrysler Building 750 00:39:56,361 --> 00:39:59,030 become the antique Chrysler Building? Yes. 751 00:39:59,030 --> 00:40:02,033 What are we doing? What's going on? 752 00:40:02,033 --> 00:40:04,168 Is this the New York we want to live in? 753 00:40:04,168 --> 00:40:06,671 Colin, don't you live in like Maine? 754 00:40:06,671 --> 00:40:09,007 Yes. And let's talk about Maine. 755 00:40:09,007 --> 00:40:13,511 I am a I an e. 756 00:40:13,511 --> 00:40:15,346 Really? The E is silent. 757 00:40:15,346 --> 00:40:19,117 But who silenced it? And why? 758 00:40:19,117 --> 00:40:20,351 What the hell are you? 759 00:40:20,351 --> 00:40:21,986 Yeah, fine. 760 00:40:21,986 --> 00:40:24,989 You're talking about the silent E in Maine now. 761 00:40:24,989 --> 00:40:27,859 I'm glad you brought it up, Colin. I did. 762 00:40:27,859 --> 00:40:33,064 And what does that e stand for? Oh, I know. Euphoria. No. 763 00:40:33,064 --> 00:40:33,965 Oh, yes. 764 00:40:33,965 --> 00:40:34,732 Euphoria. 765 00:40:34,866 --> 00:40:37,035 And no, I'm not talking about the feeling 766 00:40:37,035 --> 00:40:43,041 I get when I press one for English. 767 00:40:43,808 --> 00:40:44,442 Come on, man. 768 00:40:44,809 --> 00:40:47,111 Oh, and look who's next. Coming down the runway. 769 00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:50,448 It's Jafar Jackson, who had the gall to show up 770 00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:52,950 after starring in the Michael Jackson movie. 771 00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:53,518 Oh, yes. 772 00:40:53,918 --> 00:40:55,286 Some people were very upset about that movie. 773 00:40:55,286 --> 00:40:56,421 And they should be. 774 00:40:56,421 --> 00:41:00,024 The movie ends in 1988, so obviously they avoided 775 00:41:00,024 --> 00:41:03,461 something serious that needs to be acknowledged. 776 00:41:03,461 --> 00:41:05,196 The part of Michael Jackson's life 777 00:41:05,196 --> 00:41:07,465 no one wants to talk about anymore. 778 00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,133 Of course, I'm talking about the part 779 00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:10,968 when he was a white man. Okay. 780 00:41:10,968 --> 00:41:12,670 Oh, sorry, kids. 781 00:41:12,670 --> 00:41:14,005 Michael Jackson doesn't get to live 782 00:41:14,005 --> 00:41:17,508 a beautiful white life anymore, Who does that remind me of? 783 00:41:17,508 --> 00:41:21,279 Oh, that's right, all of us. That's the rule. 784 00:41:21,279 --> 00:41:26,250 That's the goal now. Shemona. Yeah. More like. Shame on you. 785 00:41:27,585 --> 00:41:28,720 Oh, Jesus. 786 00:41:28,720 --> 00:41:30,321 Steve. 787 00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,356 That's just awful. 788 00:41:31,356 --> 00:41:35,059 And now, a word from our sponsor round bananas. 789 00:41:35,059 --> 00:41:37,628 You want to eat bananas without looking gay around? 790 00:41:37,628 --> 00:41:40,198 Bananas? Yeah. 791 00:41:40,198 --> 00:41:43,434 No, you can't do ad reads on the show. 792 00:41:43,434 --> 00:41:48,606 Now let's talk about ASAP Rocky out ASAP Rocky's outfit. 793 00:41:48,606 --> 00:41:51,509 He was on the red carpet wearing my least favorite color. 794 00:41:51,509 --> 00:41:53,911 African American. Okay. That's it. 795 00:41:53,911 --> 00:41:57,248 Tucker Carlson, everyone. Tucker Carlson on. 796 00:41:57,248 --> 00:42:02,987 What are we doing? What are you doing? 797 00:42:02,987 --> 00:42:03,354 Tina. 798 00:42:03,354 --> 00:42:06,591 Charles, the. 799 00:42:06,591 --> 00:42:10,161 Tina Charles, the WNBA all time leading rebounder, announced 800 00:42:10,161 --> 00:42:11,763 that she is retiring. 801 00:42:11,763 --> 00:42:13,998 Charles credits her rebounding success 802 00:42:13,998 --> 00:42:19,971 to WNBA players missing a lot. 803 00:42:20,638 --> 00:42:23,574 Of. Oh, yeah. 804 00:42:23,574 --> 00:42:29,580 This week was teacher appreciation Week, so thank you. 805 00:42:30,248 --> 00:42:31,382 Teacher appreciation week. 806 00:42:31,382 --> 00:42:35,086 So thank you to the greatest tea 807 00:42:38,489 --> 00:42:41,659 I want to take back the applause. 808 00:42:41,659 --> 00:42:44,195 Kyle Rittenhouse, who opened fire at a 2020 809 00:42:44,195 --> 00:42:46,531 civil rights rally, was being treated 810 00:42:46,531 --> 00:42:48,766 after being bitten by a venomous spider 811 00:42:48,766 --> 00:42:51,702 and posted this picture from the hospital. 812 00:42:51,702 --> 00:42:53,805 And you can see where the spider bite left. 813 00:42:53,805 --> 00:42:59,811 Two fat lumps. 814 00:42:59,811 --> 00:43:01,279 A woman in Florida was arrested 815 00:43:01,279 --> 00:43:04,949 after she allegedly kicked a boy at a youth football game. 816 00:43:04,949 --> 00:43:09,821 But on the bright side, it's good. 817 00:43:09,821 --> 00:43:12,156 It's a dumb. 818 00:43:12,156 --> 00:43:13,391 This week, military officials 819 00:43:13,391 --> 00:43:16,260 would not officially confirm or deny reports of the U.S. 820 00:43:16,260 --> 00:43:18,996 using kamikaze dolphins with mines 821 00:43:18,996 --> 00:43:21,966 strapped to their bodies against Iranian battleships. 822 00:43:21,966 --> 00:43:25,369 Here to end the debate are two kamikaze dolphins. 823 00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:30,341 Yo yo yo yo yo yo. 824 00:43:30,341 --> 00:43:32,243 We're ready to die for your country. 825 00:43:32,243 --> 00:43:35,880 And that's all you got for us to know. 826 00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:39,650 You're you're you're on your feet, girl. Yeah. 827 00:43:39,650 --> 00:43:42,019 All right, all right. On your feet. 828 00:43:42,019 --> 00:43:45,289 You don't get on your feet. Okay, I got to say, I'm shocked. 829 00:43:45,289 --> 00:43:45,957 You guys are real. 830 00:43:46,190 --> 00:43:47,825 How do you even become a kamikaze dolphin? 831 00:43:47,825 --> 00:43:50,528 Oh, you go dude, the same way everybody goes. 832 00:43:50,528 --> 00:43:53,764 The army recruiter came by our reef, 833 00:43:53,764 --> 00:43:55,566 and he said he had an opportunity. 834 00:43:55,566 --> 00:43:58,436 And frankly, calling. I had hit reef bottom 835 00:43:58,436 --> 00:44:03,941 at this point and my life had no purpose. 836 00:44:03,941 --> 00:44:06,511 Wow. Oh, 837 00:44:06,511 --> 00:44:08,179 so you guys, you guys are cool. 838 00:44:08,179 --> 00:44:11,048 Just like swimming into a boat and blowing yourselves up. 839 00:44:11,048 --> 00:44:12,049 Yeah, man. 840 00:44:12,216 --> 00:44:15,520 I mean, there's not a lot of options for dolphins, Colin. 841 00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:17,688 I mean, what, we go to SeaWorld. 842 00:44:17,688 --> 00:44:22,160 I'd rather die than live in Orlando, man. 843 00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,796 Plus, if a dolphin dies, an honorable death in heaven, 844 00:44:25,796 --> 00:44:29,800 you're rewarded with 72 sturgeons. 845 00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:32,770 Oh, oh, you know porpoise. 846 00:44:32,770 --> 00:44:37,108 Oh, no. We tried hard pass. It's a good bud. 847 00:44:37,108 --> 00:44:40,545 Sturgeons instead of virgins. 848 00:44:40,545 --> 00:44:42,847 Oh my tail! Colin, look at me. 849 00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:44,949 What did our tails don't look at? 850 00:44:44,949 --> 00:44:48,486 All we can do is see what we do. 851 00:44:48,486 --> 00:44:48,886 What? 852 00:44:48,986 --> 00:44:50,021 What are you doing? 853 00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:54,225 While you're waiting to be deployed, can I ask? Oh. 854 00:44:54,225 --> 00:44:57,595 What else? Man? Having sex as much as possible, right? 855 00:44:57,595 --> 00:45:00,264 Regular dolphins are already mad horny. 856 00:45:00,264 --> 00:45:02,300 But dolphins who know they're going to die soon. 857 00:45:02,300 --> 00:45:07,471 Oh, yeah, we're a problem. Yeah, dude, I got a deep ocean King. 858 00:45:07,471 --> 00:45:09,073 You know what I'm saying, Colin? 859 00:45:09,073 --> 00:45:11,909 I've been swimming down to the dark zone, 860 00:45:11,909 --> 00:45:16,948 smashing some freaky fugly anglerfish with the light on it. 861 00:45:16,948 --> 00:45:20,117 Blew it back out last night. Oh, no. 862 00:45:20,117 --> 00:45:22,086 You know that light show. You'll love this. 863 00:45:22,086 --> 00:45:26,324 I put that light on its head in my mouth. Well, I have 864 00:45:26,324 --> 00:45:30,628 a lot more about my mouth. And I watched. 865 00:45:30,628 --> 00:45:33,598 Oh, yeah, I watched it. 866 00:45:33,598 --> 00:45:39,103 Yeah, but me personally, I like a thick beach. 867 00:45:39,103 --> 00:45:43,140 I swam my ass up to a big old honey the other day. 868 00:45:43,140 --> 00:45:47,111 Let's just say I turned that blue whale into a sperm whale. 869 00:45:47,111 --> 00:45:53,918 Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam. 870 00:45:53,918 --> 00:45:55,820 Bam! Yeah. 871 00:45:55,820 --> 00:46:00,825 All right, let's, Let's switch gears. 872 00:46:00,825 --> 00:46:03,427 How do you know which boat to even swim into? Can I have. 873 00:46:03,427 --> 00:46:06,464 We don't. We're dolphins. We have no idea. 874 00:46:06,464 --> 00:46:08,032 We're just swimming with this stuff, man. 875 00:46:08,032 --> 00:46:09,734 But if you have fish, we work for you. 876 00:46:09,734 --> 00:46:11,636 That's kind of how it is. 877 00:46:11,636 --> 00:46:14,538 So if I have fish, you'll work for me. Yeah. Yep. 878 00:46:14,538 --> 00:46:17,141 And you guys can sink any type of boat. 879 00:46:17,141 --> 00:46:20,811 But let's say a ferry. That's a huge 880 00:46:20,811 --> 00:46:23,881 a huge financial drain on its owner. Yep. 881 00:46:23,881 --> 00:46:25,349 Yeah. You got fish. We'll do it. 882 00:46:25,349 --> 00:46:29,053 Well then, fellas, I think I've got a job for you. 883 00:46:29,053 --> 00:46:36,661 Yeah. Oh, fish and dolphins, everyone. Wow. You 884 00:46:36,661 --> 00:46:37,428 all out of here? 885 00:46:37,428 --> 00:46:43,134 Get the hell out of here. 886 00:46:43,134 --> 00:46:45,536 Doris Fisher, the co-founder of The Gap, 887 00:46:45,536 --> 00:46:47,905 has died at the age of 94. 888 00:46:47,905 --> 00:46:54,612 She is survived by her gap kids. 889 00:46:54,612 --> 00:46:56,147 A group of middle school students 890 00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:58,349 in Mississippi kept their bus from crashing 891 00:46:58,349 --> 00:47:00,785 after the driver passed out behind the wheel. 892 00:47:00,785 --> 00:47:01,619 The town says 893 00:47:01,619 --> 00:47:04,221 the kids are heroes who acted quickly, 894 00:47:04,221 --> 00:47:07,658 while the bus driver says, the kids robbed me of the death. 895 00:47:07,658 --> 00:47:11,629 I have long begged for. 896 00:47:11,629 --> 00:47:13,197 A DoorDash driver in New York 897 00:47:13,197 --> 00:47:15,633 has been indicted on charges that she recorded 898 00:47:15,633 --> 00:47:19,103 a passed out, naked customer and posted it on TikTok. 899 00:47:19,103 --> 00:47:25,810 And even worse, she didn't even get my good side. 900 00:47:25,810 --> 00:47:28,112 This is not a very good sign. 901 00:47:28,112 --> 00:47:30,681 So. Police in new Jersey are investigating 902 00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:32,683 a construction site after a porta 903 00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:36,187 potty mysteriously exploded, though in new Jersey, 904 00:47:36,187 --> 00:47:38,789 that's just the sound of an angel getting its wings. 905 00:47:40,891 --> 00:47:43,060 That's beautiful. 906 00:47:43,060 --> 00:47:45,429 A recent study found that people who are chronically late 907 00:47:45,429 --> 00:47:48,566 are more likely to be viewed by their peers as unpleasant. 908 00:47:48,566 --> 00:47:54,839 Here to comment on this is Jane Wicklund. Hi. 909 00:47:54,839 --> 00:47:57,842 Hello. And I'm so sorry again about being late today. 910 00:47:57,842 --> 00:47:58,576 Oh, yeah. 911 00:47:58,776 --> 00:48:00,211 You know, just don't take this the wrong way. 912 00:48:00,211 --> 00:48:02,079 I just don't understand how you can be late for a job 913 00:48:02,079 --> 00:48:05,015 that starts at 11:30 p.m., right? 914 00:48:05,015 --> 00:48:05,716 Yeah, I know 915 00:48:06,016 --> 00:48:08,052 I have a really hard time being on time places, 916 00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:10,254 but I know the effect my lateness has on others, 917 00:48:10,254 --> 00:48:12,256 so I really. I want to make things right. 918 00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:16,127 I think that's good of you, Jane. 919 00:48:16,127 --> 00:48:18,829 This song is dedicated to everyone I've ever made 920 00:48:18,829 --> 00:48:21,565 way for me, and it comes from the bottom of my heart. 921 00:48:23,968 --> 00:48:27,037 Everyone's asking my age. 922 00:48:27,037 --> 00:48:29,907 Everyone has to get off my ass. 923 00:48:29,907 --> 00:48:32,877 No one needs to know if I'm on my way. 924 00:48:32,877 --> 00:48:39,183 Calm down and focus on you. 925 00:48:39,183 --> 00:48:40,851 I am late. 926 00:48:40,851 --> 00:48:43,554 What are you going to do? Nothing. 927 00:48:43,554 --> 00:48:46,724 I thought so. 928 00:48:46,724 --> 00:48:49,693 I am late and I'm not gonna text you. 929 00:48:49,693 --> 00:48:51,328 I'm not even rushing. 930 00:48:51,328 --> 00:48:54,165 Maybe I'll walk. 931 00:48:54,165 --> 00:48:58,502 Yeah. I thought you wanted to make things right. Oh, I am. 932 00:48:58,502 --> 00:49:01,505 Someone text the chat. They're running three minutes behind. 933 00:49:01,505 --> 00:49:05,709 It must be a holiday where we say useless stuff. 934 00:49:05,709 --> 00:49:08,412 Dan says this theater doesn't have previews. 935 00:49:08,412 --> 00:49:10,181 Take a Klonopin. Dan. 936 00:49:10,181 --> 00:49:14,852 You're stressing me out. 937 00:49:14,852 --> 00:49:18,589 You want to know if I'm on my way? 938 00:49:18,589 --> 00:49:20,024 Guess what, bitch? 939 00:49:20,024 --> 00:49:24,195 I'm going to show up 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone. 940 00:49:24,195 --> 00:49:26,931 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone. 941 00:49:26,931 --> 00:49:29,366 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone. 942 00:49:29,366 --> 00:49:34,138 I look you straight in the eyes. Say the trains were slow 943 00:49:34,138 --> 00:49:37,007 with ice cream dripping all down my hand. 944 00:49:37,007 --> 00:49:40,377 40 minutes late with an ice cream cone. 945 00:49:40,377 --> 00:49:43,981 It just seems like you don't respecting other people's time. 946 00:49:43,981 --> 00:49:46,550 Well, it's more complicated than that. 947 00:49:46,550 --> 00:49:49,286 It's not that I don't respect your time. 948 00:49:49,286 --> 00:49:51,288 It's just that looking at my phone matters 949 00:49:51,288 --> 00:49:54,558 more than our friendship. 950 00:49:54,558 --> 00:49:56,460 People should build their schedules 951 00:49:56,460 --> 00:50:01,398 around me and generally treat me like I am God. 952 00:50:01,398 --> 00:50:08,272 Introducing our lovely backup dancers, Lolo and Rebecca, who. 953 00:50:11,508 --> 00:50:13,277 Now give it up to them. Sorry. 954 00:50:13,277 --> 00:50:14,879 Where are they? 955 00:50:14,879 --> 00:50:18,949 They're late. As if they're right. 956 00:50:18,949 --> 00:50:21,418 If I were early, then I would have to wait. 957 00:50:21,418 --> 00:50:22,987 And I would rather it be you. 958 00:50:22,987 --> 00:50:25,556 So I'm going to show up 40 minutes late 959 00:50:25,556 --> 00:50:28,092 with an ice cream cone at 40 minutes late. 960 00:50:28,092 --> 00:50:32,329 And I'm on my phone 40 minutes late. Six melting scoops. 961 00:50:32,329 --> 00:50:35,566 I tried like a hundred samples, 962 00:50:35,566 --> 00:50:38,936 40 minutes late, and I picked vanilla. 963 00:50:38,936 --> 00:50:41,672 There was a huge line and I paid with a check. 964 00:50:44,241 --> 00:50:46,010 I was born late and I will die. 965 00:50:46,010 --> 00:50:48,445 Never. I will get there when I get there. 966 00:50:48,445 --> 00:50:50,548 If I get there, I am late. 967 00:50:50,548 --> 00:50:53,584 And that won't kill you. You can all go to hell. 968 00:50:53,584 --> 00:50:54,785 You can go to hell. 969 00:50:54,785 --> 00:51:00,291 I'm late, Jane Wickline everyone. 970 00:51:00,291 --> 00:51:02,860 Oh, they're here now for Weekend Update. 971 00:51:02,860 --> 00:51:06,063 I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael che. Good night. 972 00:51:06,063 --> 00:51:08,599 Where were you? You had one cue 973 00:51:23,013 --> 00:51:24,848 >>> SO AGAIN, THOSE ARE SOME OF 974 00:51:24,848 --> 00:51:27,484 THE KEY ELEMENTS OF THE ROARING 975 00:51:27,484 --> 00:51:28,018 '20s. 976 00:51:28,085 --> 00:51:29,453 MR. CONNELLY WILL GO INTO 977 00:51:29,453 --> 00:51:30,688 GREATER DETAIL WHEN HE'S FEELING 978 00:51:30,688 --> 00:51:31,522 BETTER AND HE'S BACK IN CLASS, 979 00:51:31,522 --> 00:51:37,828 HOPEFULLY TOMORROW. 980 00:51:37,828 --> 00:51:42,266 ANY QUESTIONS? 981 00:51:42,266 --> 00:51:43,133 WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF TIME. 982 00:51:43,133 --> 00:51:44,802 I JUST WANT TO SAY, IT HAS BEEN 983 00:51:44,802 --> 00:51:46,637 AN HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE TO BE 984 00:51:46,637 --> 00:51:47,705 YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER. 985 00:51:47,705 --> 00:51:49,873 YOU'VE ALL BEEN SO ATTENTIVE AND 986 00:51:49,873 --> 00:51:50,274 RESPECTFUL. 987 00:51:50,541 --> 00:51:50,975 THAT'S NOT ALWAYS THE CASE, I 988 00:51:50,975 --> 00:51:57,881 CAN TELL YOU. 989 00:51:57,881 --> 00:51:58,515 AND SENSE YOU'VE BEEN SO 990 00:51:58,582 --> 00:51:59,249 WELL-BEHAVED -- A LITTLE TREAT. 991 00:51:59,249 --> 00:52:00,384 I THOUGHT FOR THE LAST FEW 992 00:52:00,384 --> 00:52:01,618 MINUTES, I'D GIVE EVERYONE A 993 00:52:01,618 --> 00:52:02,886 CHANCE JUST TO KIND OF LET LOOSE 994 00:52:02,886 --> 00:52:05,356 AND GET OUT OF YOUR SEATS. 995 00:52:05,356 --> 00:52:06,090 THEN, YOU KNOW, DANCE A LITTLE 996 00:52:06,090 --> 00:52:07,391 BIT, ALL RIGHT? 997 00:52:07,391 --> 00:52:10,094 ♪♪ 998 00:52:10,094 --> 00:52:11,595 ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO. 999 00:52:11,595 --> 00:52:11,895 WHOA! 1000 00:52:12,062 --> 00:52:13,230 LET'S DO IT, GUYS. 1001 00:52:13,230 --> 00:52:14,965 HERE WE GO. 1002 00:52:14,965 --> 00:52:16,266 WE'RE JUST GOING TO LET LOOSE. 1003 00:52:16,266 --> 00:52:17,634 JUST COME ON UP AND DANCE. 1004 00:52:17,634 --> 00:52:18,469 HERE WE GO. 1005 00:52:18,469 --> 00:52:19,870 WE DON'T GET TO DO THIS EVERY 1006 00:52:19,870 --> 00:52:20,270 DAY, I KNOW. 1007 00:52:20,270 --> 00:52:20,604 COME ON. 1008 00:52:20,604 --> 00:52:23,907 HERE WE GO. 1009 00:52:23,907 --> 00:52:24,642 WE'RE GOING TO GET THE WIGGLES 1010 00:52:24,642 --> 00:52:27,244 OUT. 1011 00:52:27,244 --> 00:52:28,679 FEELING OUR BODIES A LITTLE BIT. 1012 00:52:28,679 --> 00:52:30,180 DAVID, I SEE YOU, YOU'RE READY 1013 00:52:30,180 --> 00:52:31,181 TO LET LOOSE. 1014 00:52:31,181 --> 00:52:31,915 COME ON OUT. 1015 00:52:31,915 --> 00:52:32,950 COME ON, BUDDY. 1016 00:52:32,950 --> 00:52:34,518 DON'T BE AFRAID TO DANCE WITH 1017 00:52:34,518 --> 00:52:35,452 YOUR TEACHER. 1018 00:52:35,452 --> 00:52:35,919 IT'S OKAY. 1019 00:52:35,919 --> 00:52:36,787 COME ON, DAVID. 1020 00:52:36,787 --> 00:52:37,388 COME ON. 1021 00:52:37,388 --> 00:52:38,822 GET UP HERE. 1022 00:52:38,822 --> 00:52:39,556 GIVE IT UP. 1023 00:52:39,556 --> 00:52:41,492 HANG ON, HANG ON. 1024 00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:41,992 IZZY? 1025 00:52:41,992 --> 00:52:42,793 I KNOW YOU'RE SHY. 1026 00:52:42,793 --> 00:52:43,394 YOU'RE SHY. 1027 00:52:43,494 --> 00:52:44,928 OKAY, BUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR, I 1028 00:52:44,928 --> 00:52:46,930 HAVE A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO 1029 00:52:46,930 --> 00:52:48,032 BE LIKE SHAKIRA. 1030 00:52:48,032 --> 00:52:50,334 COME ON, LET'S DO SOME OF THAT. 1031 00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:51,301 COME ON. 1032 00:52:51,301 --> 00:52:52,636 SAMMY, WE KNOW YOU CAN DANCE. 1033 00:52:52,636 --> 00:52:53,904 COME ON, SAMMY. 1034 00:52:53,904 --> 00:52:55,105 COME ON UP HERE. 1035 00:52:55,105 --> 00:52:57,775 SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT. 1036 00:52:57,775 --> 00:53:00,411 WAIT, I SEE FRANKLIN'S ABOUT 1037 00:53:00,411 --> 00:53:02,880 READY TO JUMP IN HERE. 1038 00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:04,548 FRANKLIN, COME TAKE OVER MY 1039 00:53:04,548 --> 00:53:04,848 SPOT. 1040 00:53:05,115 --> 00:53:05,983 TAKE OVER MY TERRITORY. 1041 00:53:05,983 --> 00:53:07,217 LET'S GO. 1042 00:53:07,217 --> 00:53:08,419 FRANKLIN'S FEELING IT. 1043 00:53:08,419 --> 00:53:10,254 COME ON, HOLD ON, WAIT. 1044 00:53:10,254 --> 00:53:11,488 JESSE'S GOING TO BEAT FRANKLIN 1045 00:53:11,488 --> 00:53:12,356 UP HERE? 1046 00:53:12,356 --> 00:53:14,591 OH-OH, WE GOT A BATTLE COMING, 1047 00:53:14,591 --> 00:53:15,726 GUYS. 1048 00:53:15,726 --> 00:53:16,460 GIRLS, GET UP HERE. 1049 00:53:16,460 --> 00:53:17,027 DON'T PLAY ME, GIRLS. 1050 00:53:17,027 --> 00:53:21,165 COME ON. 1051 00:53:21,165 --> 00:53:22,866 DAPHNE KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING 1052 00:53:22,866 --> 00:53:24,201 ABOUT. 1053 00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:25,469 DAPHNE'S ABOUT TO BREAK OUT SOME 1054 00:53:25,469 --> 00:53:27,204 OF THOSE BAT MITZVAH MOVES. 1055 00:53:27,204 --> 00:53:30,040 COME ON. 1056 00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:33,143 AND I SEE HIM ABOUT TO MAKE A 1057 00:53:33,143 --> 00:53:33,844 MOVE, AMBER. 1058 00:53:33,844 --> 00:53:35,612 IT'S AN AMBER ALERT. 1059 00:53:35,612 --> 00:53:36,680 GO, AMBER. 1060 00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:38,515 GO AMBER. 1061 00:53:38,515 --> 00:53:39,616 GO AMBER. 1062 00:53:39,616 --> 00:53:41,418 RICK'S FEELING IT TOO. 1063 00:53:41,418 --> 00:53:41,718 RIGHT? 1064 00:53:42,086 --> 00:53:45,355 RICK IS ABOUT TO TAXI UP HERE. 1065 00:53:45,355 --> 00:53:48,058 HERE WE GO. 1066 00:53:48,058 --> 00:53:50,027 FRANKLIN. 1067 00:53:50,027 --> 00:53:51,095 FRANKLIN, RHETT. 1068 00:53:51,095 --> 00:53:51,762 FRANKLIN, RHETT. 1069 00:53:51,762 --> 00:53:54,898 I'M ON A FISHING EXPEDITION. 1070 00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:55,299 HERE WE GO. 1071 00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:56,133 OH, LET'S PULL HER IN, LET'S 1072 00:53:56,133 --> 00:53:59,670 PULL HER IN. 1073 00:53:59,670 --> 00:54:01,638 TEST. 1074 00:54:01,638 --> 00:54:02,372 WE'RE GOING TO REEL HER IN RIGHT 1075 00:54:02,372 --> 00:54:06,643 NOW. 1076 00:54:06,643 --> 00:54:07,377 SHE'S GOING TO GET THE WIGGLES 1077 00:54:07,377 --> 00:54:10,380 OUT. 1078 00:54:10,380 --> 00:54:11,148 YOU CAN'T TOUCH THIS. 1079 00:54:11,148 --> 00:54:14,852 CAN'T TOUCH THIS. 1080 00:54:14,852 --> 00:54:16,153 I'M BRINGING YOU BACK TO MY DAY. 1081 00:54:16,153 --> 00:54:16,720 COME ON, EVERYBODY UP. 1082 00:54:16,720 --> 00:54:17,087 LET'S GO! 1083 00:54:17,087 --> 00:54:19,556 COME ON. 1084 00:54:19,556 --> 00:54:20,491 EVERYBODY UP. 1085 00:54:20,491 --> 00:54:21,191 EVERYBODY DOWN. 1086 00:54:21,191 --> 00:54:21,625 EVERYBODY UP. 1087 00:54:21,625 --> 00:54:25,596 EVERYBODY DOWN. 1088 00:54:25,596 --> 00:54:27,030 EVERYBODY -- EVERYBODY DOWN. 1089 00:54:27,030 --> 00:54:27,798 EVERYBODY UP. 1090 00:54:27,798 --> 00:54:28,265 EVERYBODY DOWN. 1091 00:54:28,265 --> 00:54:29,333 NOW SCREAM! 1092 00:54:29,333 --> 00:54:34,004 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1093 00:54:34,004 --> 00:54:34,304 WHOO! 1094 00:54:34,304 --> 00:54:35,539 ALL RIGHT! 1095 00:54:35,539 --> 00:54:35,939 [ LAUGHTER ] 1096 00:54:35,939 --> 00:54:36,974 ALL RIGHT. 1097 00:54:36,974 --> 00:54:40,244 WELL. 1098 00:54:40,244 --> 00:54:42,045 THAT WAS FUN. 1099 00:54:42,045 --> 00:54:42,446 [ LAUGHTER ] 1100 00:54:42,579 --> 00:54:46,383 THAT WAS A LOT OF FUN. 1101 00:54:46,383 --> 00:54:49,553 A LOT OF FUN, REALLY FUN, WOW. 1102 00:54:49,553 --> 00:54:57,828 REALLY A LOT OF FUN. 1103 00:54:57,828 --> 00:54:58,662 I MIGHT ACTUALLY HEAD OUT A 1104 00:54:58,662 --> 00:54:59,263 LITTLE BEFORE YOU GUYS. 1105 00:54:59,263 --> 00:55:03,000 [ LAUGHTER ] 1106 00:55:03,000 --> 00:55:05,869 MAYBE TAKE THE BOOM BOX AND JUST 1107 00:55:05,869 --> 00:55:06,603 KIND OF GET IN MY CAR, MAYBE 1108 00:55:06,603 --> 00:55:09,406 LEAVE. 1109 00:55:09,406 --> 00:55:11,141 JUST BEFORE YOU GUYS, MAYBE. 1110 00:55:11,141 --> 00:55:11,842 JUST HEAD HOME AND STAY HOME, 1111 00:55:11,842 --> 00:55:15,012 YOU KNOW. 1112 00:55:15,012 --> 00:55:15,712 MAYBE MOVE, MAYBE A DIFFERENT 1113 00:55:15,712 --> 00:55:16,046 COUNTRY. 1114 00:55:16,046 --> 00:55:18,749 [ LAUGHTER ] 1115 00:55:18,749 --> 00:55:19,983 BUT YEAH, IT'S ALL GOOD. 1116 00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:23,787 FEELING GOOD FOR THE SUMMER! 1117 00:55:23,787 --> 00:55:24,087 WHAT? 1118 00:55:24,421 --> 00:55:24,755 HARD TO COMPLAIN WHEN IT'S 1119 00:55:24,822 --> 00:55:26,156 ALMOST SUMMER! 1120 00:55:26,156 --> 00:55:29,593 QUE. 1121 00:55:29,593 --> 00:55:30,227 YEAH, YEAH, THAT WAS FUN. 1122 00:55:30,227 --> 00:55:31,395 [ LAUGHTER ] 1123 00:55:31,395 --> 00:55:35,499 THAT WAS REALLY -- REALLY -- 1124 00:55:35,499 --> 00:55:36,233 REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY 1125 00:55:36,233 --> 00:55:40,437 FUN. 1126 00:55:40,437 --> 00:55:40,737 OKAY. 1127 00:55:40,737 --> 00:55:41,071 THANKS. 1128 00:55:41,071 --> 00:55:51,548 [ LAUGHTER ] 1129 00:55:51,548 --> 00:55:52,182 >> DID -- DID THAT HAPPEN? 1130 00:55:52,182 --> 00:55:56,119 [ LAUGHTER ] 1131 00:55:56,119 --> 00:55:57,221 >> I'D PREFER TO PRETEND THAT IT 1132 00:55:57,221 --> 00:56:00,490 DIDN'T HAPPEN. 1133 00:56:00,490 --> 00:56:01,558 >> HEY, GUYS. 1134 00:56:01,558 --> 00:56:03,160 I CAN SEE HIM. 1135 00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:05,529 HE'S IN THE PARKING LOT. 1136 00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:07,764 HE'S JUST KIND OF STANDING THERE 1137 00:56:07,764 --> 00:56:08,465 WITH HIS HEAD AGAINST A TREE. 1138 00:56:08,465 --> 00:56:11,802 [ LAUGHTER ] 1139 00:56:11,802 --> 00:56:12,236 >> HEY, RICK? 1140 00:56:12,302 --> 00:56:14,371 ISN'T THAT YOUR DAD? 1141 00:56:14,371 --> 00:56:27,584 [ LAUGHTER ] 1142 00:56:27,584 --> 00:56:28,018 >> YES. 1143 00:56:28,252 --> 00:56:29,820 YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT'S MY DAD. 1144 00:56:29,820 --> 00:56:34,958 [ LAUGHTER ] 1145 00:56:34,958 --> 00:56:37,127 >> I'M SORRY, BRO. 1146 00:56:37,127 --> 00:56:38,695 THESE NEXT FEW WEEKS GOING TO BE 1147 00:56:38,695 --> 00:56:40,163 REALLY, REALLY BAD FOR YOU. 1148 00:56:40,163 --> 00:56:45,269 [ LAUGHTER ] 1149 00:56:45,269 --> 00:56:46,904 >> YEAH, THEY REALLY ARE, HUH? 1150 00:56:46,904 --> 00:56:53,677 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1151 00:57:04,688 --> 00:57:06,356 >>> ONCE AGAIN, NOAH KAHAN. 1152 00:57:06,356 --> 00:57:10,560 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1153 00:57:10,560 --> 00:57:24,574 ♪♪ 1154 00:57:24,574 --> 00:57:29,513 ♪♪ 1155 00:57:29,513 --> 00:57:30,280 ♪ I GREW UP PRETENDING 1156 00:57:30,280 --> 00:57:35,018 STICKS WERE LITTLE GUNS ♪ 1157 00:57:35,018 --> 00:57:36,753 ♪ I WOULD POINT 'EM 1158 00:57:36,753 --> 00:57:40,524 AT MY DAD AND HE'D GET MAD 1159 00:57:40,524 --> 00:57:42,526 'CAUSE GOD FORBID 1160 00:57:42,526 --> 00:57:43,260 I HURT SOMEONE ♪ 1161 00:57:43,260 --> 00:57:48,498 ♪ I'D HURT ANYONE I COULD 1162 00:57:48,498 --> 00:57:49,499 ANYONE WHO GOT TOO CLOSE 1163 00:57:49,499 --> 00:57:54,271 ANYONE WHO WOULDN'T LOOK ♪ 1164 00:57:54,271 --> 00:57:54,838 ♪ I WAS BORN INTO A 1165 00:57:54,838 --> 00:58:00,243 100-YEAR STORM 1166 00:58:00,243 --> 00:58:01,244 FOOT OF ICE ACROSS VERMONT ♪ 1167 00:58:01,244 --> 00:58:02,279 ♪ AND IN THAT DARK 1168 00:58:02,279 --> 00:58:02,980 AND IN THAT FROST 1169 00:58:02,980 --> 00:58:06,750 A HEART WAS FORMED 1170 00:58:06,750 --> 00:58:13,523 MALCONTENTED AND UNWARM ♪ 1171 00:58:13,523 --> 00:58:14,758 ♪ YOU WERE UNSUSPECTING 1172 00:58:14,758 --> 00:58:18,996 NOT UNWARNED 1173 00:58:18,996 --> 00:58:22,532 THAT I'M THE TROUBLE AHEAD 1174 00:58:22,532 --> 00:58:23,266 THAT I SCREAM IN MY SLEEP ♪ 1175 00:58:23,266 --> 00:58:24,000 ♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY 1176 00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:25,002 ON RED 1177 00:58:25,002 --> 00:58:25,769 I'M A SURE BET AT A 1178 00:58:25,769 --> 00:58:30,173 LOSING STREAK ♪ 1179 00:58:30,173 --> 00:58:33,443 ♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS 1180 00:58:33,443 --> 00:58:36,947 BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪ 1181 00:58:36,947 --> 00:58:38,181 ♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER 1182 00:58:38,181 --> 00:58:39,182 TO SEE ME THE CLOSER 1183 00:58:39,182 --> 00:58:46,189 YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪ 1184 00:58:46,189 --> 00:58:48,191 ♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE 1185 00:58:48,191 --> 00:58:48,925 BUT YOU'RE THE ONE 1186 00:58:48,925 --> 00:58:50,160 WHO DECIDED TO KNOCK 1187 00:58:50,160 --> 00:58:52,195 YOU KNOCKED ♪ 1188 00:58:52,195 --> 00:58:54,664 ♪ HAVE YOU EVER STARED 1189 00:58:54,664 --> 00:58:56,433 DIRECTLY AT THE SUN ♪ 1190 00:58:56,433 --> 00:58:58,668 ♪ HAVE YOU EVER SHARED 1191 00:58:58,668 --> 00:58:59,936 SOME CLOSENESS SO EXPOSED 1192 00:58:59,936 --> 00:59:01,171 TO HAVE IT SPIT BACK 1193 00:59:01,171 --> 00:59:03,173 BY SOMEONE ♪ 1194 00:59:03,173 --> 00:59:08,178 ♪ SO FORGIVE ME IF I JUMP 1195 00:59:08,178 --> 00:59:09,413 AT THE RATTLE OF YOUR KEYS 1196 00:59:09,413 --> 00:59:11,681 OH ARE YOU LEAVING 1197 00:59:11,681 --> 00:59:16,420 NO BABE I'M JUST WAKING UP ♪ 1198 00:59:16,420 --> 00:59:17,654 ♪ AND NOW WHAT 1199 00:59:17,654 --> 00:59:18,922 I'M LEFT STARING 1200 00:59:18,922 --> 00:59:20,924 AT THE CEILING ♪ 1201 00:59:20,924 --> 00:59:22,692 ♪ LISTING REASONS 1202 00:59:22,692 --> 00:59:23,760 YOU SHOULD PACK ALL YOUR 1203 00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:27,631 THINGS UP ♪ 1204 00:59:27,631 --> 00:59:30,000 ♪ I'M THE TROUBLE AHEAD I SCREAM 1205 00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,802 IN MY SLEEP ♪ 1206 00:59:31,802 --> 00:59:32,803 ♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY 1207 00:59:32,803 --> 00:59:33,570 ON RED 1208 00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:34,304 I'M A SURE BET AT A 1209 00:59:34,304 --> 00:59:35,806 LOSING STREAK ♪ 1210 00:59:35,806 --> 00:59:38,308 ♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS 1211 00:59:38,308 --> 00:59:40,277 BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪ 1212 00:59:40,277 --> 00:59:43,046 ♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER 1213 00:59:43,046 --> 00:59:44,548 TO SEE ME THE CLOSER 1214 00:59:44,548 --> 00:59:47,584 YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪ 1215 00:59:47,584 --> 00:59:48,552 ♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE 1216 00:59:48,552 --> 00:59:49,820 BUT YOU'RE THE ONE 1217 00:59:49,820 --> 00:59:50,821 WHO DECIDED TO KNOCK 1218 00:59:50,821 --> 00:59:54,191 YOU KNOCKED ♪ 1219 00:59:54,191 --> 00:59:55,926 "SNL"! 1220 00:59:55,926 --> 00:59:59,196 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1221 00:59:59,196 --> 00:59:59,529 ♪♪ 1222 00:59:59,529 --> 01:00:09,072 ♪♪ 1223 01:00:09,072 --> 01:00:11,074 ♪ I'LL BE GONE SO LONG 1224 01:00:11,074 --> 01:00:14,311 BEFORE THE ANGER COMES 1225 01:00:14,311 --> 01:00:16,847 I'LL BE ONLY WHAT YOU'VE 1226 01:00:16,847 --> 01:00:18,815 KNOWN OF ME 'TIL NOW ♪ 1227 01:00:18,815 --> 01:00:19,816 ♪ OH HOW I HOPE 1228 01:00:19,816 --> 01:00:20,817 YOU'RE MOVING ON ♪ 1229 01:00:20,817 --> 01:00:21,818 ♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE 1230 01:00:21,818 --> 01:00:23,587 TROUBLE AHEAD 1231 01:00:23,587 --> 01:00:26,823 AND I SCREAM IN MY SLEEP ♪ 1232 01:00:26,823 --> 01:00:27,791 ♪ YOU'RE PUTTING MONEY 1233 01:00:27,791 --> 01:00:28,825 ON RED 1234 01:00:28,825 --> 01:00:29,793 I'M A SURE BET AT A 1235 01:00:29,793 --> 01:00:32,596 LOSING STREAK ♪ 1236 01:00:32,596 --> 01:00:35,565 ♪ I KEEP SHOWING YOU DOORS 1237 01:00:35,565 --> 01:00:37,801 BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN THEM UP ♪ 1238 01:00:37,801 --> 01:00:39,803 ♪ 'CAUSE IT GETS HARDER 1239 01:00:39,803 --> 01:00:41,805 TO SEE ME THE CLOSER 1240 01:00:41,805 --> 01:00:46,309 YOU TRY TO LOOK ♪ 1241 01:00:46,309 --> 01:00:47,310 ♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE 1242 01:00:47,310 --> 01:00:48,311 BUT YOU'RE THE ONE 1243 01:00:48,311 --> 01:00:49,079 I JUST LIVE HERE BABE 1244 01:00:49,079 --> 01:00:49,813 BUT YOU'RE THE ONE ♪ 1245 01:00:49,813 --> 01:00:54,484 ♪ I JUST LIVE HERE BABE 1246 01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:58,555 BUT YOU'RE THE ONE ♪♪ 1247 01:00:58,555 --> 01:01:08,098 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1248 01:01:24,848 --> 01:01:27,117 >>> AND NOW A SCENE FROM THE 1249 01:01:27,117 --> 01:01:28,351 CRUMBLING MARRIAGE OF TWO 1250 01:01:28,351 --> 01:01:32,289 AUCTIONEERS. 1251 01:01:32,289 --> 01:01:33,089 >> IIIIIIII'M HOME, HONEY BUNNY. 1252 01:01:33,089 --> 01:01:34,524 HONEY BUNNY, HONEY BUNNY. 1253 01:01:34,524 --> 01:01:35,559 CAN I GET A SMILE? 1254 01:01:35,559 --> 01:01:38,228 CAN I GET A HI? 1255 01:01:38,228 --> 01:01:39,429 CAN I GET A HELLO? 1256 01:01:39,429 --> 01:01:40,163 CAN I GET A HUG, PLEASE, HONEY 1257 01:01:40,163 --> 01:01:42,132 BUNNY? 1258 01:01:42,132 --> 01:01:42,899 >> WELLLLLLLLL LOOK WHO COMES 1259 01:01:42,899 --> 01:01:43,667 CRAWLING HOME LATE AS SIN. 1260 01:01:43,667 --> 01:01:44,668 WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, BEEN, BEEN, 1261 01:01:44,668 --> 01:01:47,437 BEEN, BEEN, BEEN, BEEN? 1262 01:01:47,437 --> 01:01:49,172 I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE FOR 2, 2, 1263 01:01:49,172 --> 01:01:54,311 3, 3, DO I HEAR 4, 4, 5, 5 1264 01:01:54,311 --> 01:01:55,545 5, 5, 5, 5 HOURS. 1265 01:01:55,545 --> 01:01:56,546 YOU SAID YOU'D BE HOME BY 8:00, 1266 01:01:56,546 --> 01:02:00,650 8:15, 8:30, 8:35 WITH TRAFFIC. 1267 01:02:00,650 --> 01:02:03,787 NOW IT'S 11:45, 11:50, DO I HEAR 1268 01:02:03,787 --> 01:02:04,554 11:55, 55, 55, 55, MIDNIGHT. 1269 01:02:04,554 --> 01:02:05,288 BOLD, COMING FROM THE MAN PAST 1270 01:02:05,288 --> 01:02:06,523 HIS PRIME IN A COWBOY HAT. 1271 01:02:06,523 --> 01:02:07,290 [ LAUGHTER ] 1272 01:02:07,290 --> 01:02:08,058 >> I CAN EXPLAIN, DARLIN'. 1273 01:02:08,058 --> 01:02:09,259 IT WAS BUMPER TO BUMPER, BUMPER 1274 01:02:09,259 --> 01:02:11,361 TO BUMPER, BUMPER TO BUMPER 1275 01:02:11,361 --> 01:02:12,562 TO BUTCHER TO BUMPER. 1276 01:02:12,562 --> 01:02:13,530 I TOOK I-10, I-10, CAN I GET AN 1277 01:02:13,530 --> 01:02:14,297 I-10, I-10, I-10, THEN TO I-20, 1278 01:02:14,297 --> 01:02:15,298 TO I-20, I-20, THEN I-30, THEN 1279 01:02:15,298 --> 01:02:17,033 I-30, THEN I-30. 1280 01:02:17,033 --> 01:02:18,535 THEN I GOT OFF AT EXIT 40. 1281 01:02:18,535 --> 01:02:19,536 AND WENT THROUGH THE WHATABURGER 1282 01:02:19,536 --> 01:02:21,037 DRIVE-THRU AND GOT A HONEY 1283 01:02:21,037 --> 01:02:21,771 BUTTER CHICKEN BISCUIT AND TOOK 1284 01:02:21,771 --> 01:02:23,306 MY TIME. 1285 01:02:23,306 --> 01:02:25,308 >> MEAAAAAANWHILE! 1286 01:02:25,308 --> 01:02:26,509 YOU GOT A WOMAN WAITIN' FOR YOU 1287 01:02:26,509 --> 01:02:28,044 AT HOME, NOW FOLKS, THIS IS A 1288 01:02:28,044 --> 01:02:30,280 FINE WOMAN. 1289 01:02:30,280 --> 01:02:31,548 THIS WOMAN IS LEAN AND MEAN AND 1290 01:02:31,548 --> 01:02:33,516 WEANED. 1291 01:02:33,516 --> 01:02:34,784 SHE WEIGHS NOT 80 POUNDS, NOT 1292 01:02:34,784 --> 01:02:36,052 90, NOT 91, NOT 92, NOT 1293 01:02:36,052 --> 01:02:38,021 92 1/2 -- NOT 92 3/4 -- NOT 92 1294 01:02:38,021 --> 01:02:43,927 7/8 -- NOT 92 8/9 -- 1295 01:02:43,927 --> 01:02:46,496 >> HIGHER, HIGHER, HIGHER EVERY 1296 01:02:46,496 --> 01:02:48,331 SINGLE DAY SINCE THE DAY WE WERE 1297 01:02:48,331 --> 01:02:48,632 WED. 1298 01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:50,266 >> HOW DARE YOU. 1299 01:02:50,266 --> 01:02:51,001 >> MEANWHILE, FOLKS, I CAN SMELL 1300 01:02:51,001 --> 01:02:51,534 IT. 1301 01:02:51,701 --> 01:02:52,268 I CAN SMELL IT, I CAN SMELL IT 1302 01:02:52,268 --> 01:02:52,636 FROM HERE. 1303 01:02:52,969 --> 01:02:53,370 YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING, DRINKING, 1304 01:02:53,370 --> 01:02:55,639 DRINKING. 1305 01:02:55,639 --> 01:02:57,707 ONE GLASS, TWO GLASS, THREE 1306 01:02:57,707 --> 01:02:59,909 GLASS, FOUR -- 1307 01:02:59,909 --> 01:03:00,443 CAN I GET A BOTTLE? 1308 01:03:00,610 --> 01:03:01,177 1 BOTTLE, 2 BOTTLES, 3 BOTTLES, 1309 01:03:01,177 --> 01:03:01,678 4 BOTTLES -- 1310 01:03:01,845 --> 01:03:02,412 >> RICH COMING FROM YOU, WHEN 1311 01:03:02,545 --> 01:03:03,146 YOU REEK OF PERFUME AND GOT LIP 1312 01:03:03,146 --> 01:03:06,816 GLOSS ON YOUR COLLAR. 1313 01:03:06,816 --> 01:03:08,018 I KNOW YOU'RE WITH SINFUL GIRLS. 1314 01:03:08,018 --> 01:03:08,785 I KNOW YOU WERE WITH BELLA, 1315 01:03:08,785 --> 01:03:09,519 BAILEY, BOBBI, BAMBIE, BIRDIE, 1316 01:03:09,519 --> 01:03:10,186 BULLA, BUGGY, BETSY, BETTY, 1317 01:03:10,186 --> 01:03:10,854 BONNIE, BRENDA, AND JEWISH 1318 01:03:10,854 --> 01:03:11,288 SAMANTHA. 1319 01:03:11,288 --> 01:03:11,788 >> NO. 1320 01:03:11,788 --> 01:03:12,288 NO. 1321 01:03:12,288 --> 01:03:12,789 NO. 1322 01:03:12,789 --> 01:03:13,290 NO. 1323 01:03:13,290 --> 01:03:13,757 NO. 1324 01:03:13,757 --> 01:03:14,524 MAYBE. 1325 01:03:14,524 --> 01:03:15,258 >> YOU WERE WITH BETTY BOTTER, 1326 01:03:15,258 --> 01:03:15,992 AND I BET YOU BOUGHT HER BUTTER. 1327 01:03:15,992 --> 01:03:16,726 >> I WOULD NEVER BUY HER BUTTER 1328 01:03:16,726 --> 01:03:17,394 'CAUSE I KNOW YOUR BUTTER'S 1329 01:03:17,394 --> 01:03:17,727 BETTER. 1330 01:03:18,061 --> 01:03:18,428 >> I KNOW YOU LIKE HER BUTTER 1331 01:03:18,762 --> 01:03:19,162 BETTER 'CAUSE I BET HER BUTTER'S 1332 01:03:19,162 --> 01:03:19,529 HOTTER. 1333 01:03:19,829 --> 01:03:20,230 >> NOW, HOW CAN YOU BLAME ME, 1334 01:03:20,230 --> 01:03:21,031 FOLKS? 1335 01:03:21,031 --> 01:03:21,765 WHEN HOW MANY TIMES HAVE WE HAD 1336 01:03:21,765 --> 01:03:22,332 SEX IN THE LAST YEAR? 1337 01:03:22,332 --> 01:03:23,533 WAS IT 20 TIMES? 1338 01:03:23,533 --> 01:03:24,267 CAN I GET 20 TIMES, 20 TIMES, 20 1339 01:03:24,267 --> 01:03:27,037 TIMES? 1340 01:03:27,037 --> 01:03:27,537 WAS IT 10? 1341 01:03:27,537 --> 01:03:28,538 NOT 10. 1342 01:03:28,538 --> 01:03:29,272 WAS IT FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, 1343 01:03:29,272 --> 01:03:32,442 ONE -- NO, FOLKS, IT'S BEEN -- 1344 01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:33,143 ZERO SEX IN THE LAST CALENDAR 1345 01:03:33,143 --> 01:03:36,446 YEAR. 1346 01:03:36,446 --> 01:03:37,113 >> WELL, FOLKS, THERE ARE 1347 01:03:37,113 --> 01:03:38,048 REASONS FOR THAT. 1348 01:03:38,048 --> 01:03:38,682 REASONS I WILL ILLUMINATE 1349 01:03:38,682 --> 01:03:39,282 PRESENTLY. 1350 01:03:39,282 --> 01:03:39,916 I HAD A HEADACHE, I HAD A 1351 01:03:39,983 --> 01:03:40,650 BACKACHE, I HAD A TOOTHACHE, I 1352 01:03:40,650 --> 01:03:41,017 WAS COLD. 1353 01:03:41,318 --> 01:03:41,718 I HAD A BAD DAY, I HAD A LONG 1354 01:03:42,018 --> 01:03:42,452 NIGHT, I HAD A BIG LUNCH, I WAS 1355 01:03:42,452 --> 01:03:43,053 TIRED. 1356 01:03:43,053 --> 01:03:43,787 I HAD A PHONE CALL WITH MY 1357 01:03:43,787 --> 01:03:45,055 SISTER, I HAD A PHONE CALL WITH 1358 01:03:45,055 --> 01:03:49,125 MY MOTHER, I HAD A FIGHT ON A 1359 01:03:49,125 --> 01:03:49,859 PHONE CALL WITH MY SISTER AND MY 1360 01:03:49,859 --> 01:03:50,427 MOTHER. 1361 01:03:50,427 --> 01:03:51,061 I HAD A HEADACHE, I HAD A 1362 01:03:51,127 --> 01:03:51,795 MIGRAINE, MOST IMPORTANTLY I AM 1363 01:03:51,795 --> 01:03:52,395 OLD! 1364 01:03:52,495 --> 01:03:53,163 AND HONEY BUNNY, THE THOUGHT OF 1365 01:03:53,163 --> 01:03:57,400 YOUR NAKED WHATABURGER BODY 1366 01:03:57,400 --> 01:03:58,168 LITERALLY DISGUSTS MEEEE! 1367 01:03:58,168 --> 01:03:58,935 >> I WANT A DIVORCE! 1368 01:03:58,935 --> 01:03:59,903 >> I WANT A DIVORCE! 1369 01:03:59,903 --> 01:04:02,672 >> YOU DO? 1370 01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:04,941 MAYBE THAT'D BE FOR THE BEST. 1371 01:04:04,941 --> 01:04:07,143 >> WELL, FOLKS. 1372 01:04:07,143 --> 01:04:09,412 IT HAS COME TO THIS. 1373 01:04:09,412 --> 01:04:11,414 IT LOOKS AS IF THIS MARRIAGE IS 1374 01:04:11,414 --> 01:04:12,182 GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE, LAST 1375 01:04:12,182 --> 01:04:12,916 CHANCE FOLKS, AND THIS MARRIAGE 1376 01:04:12,916 --> 01:04:15,452 IS -- 1377 01:04:15,452 --> 01:04:17,454 >> WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT 1378 01:04:17,454 --> 01:04:18,188 MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA, DAD DAD DAD 1379 01:04:18,188 --> 01:04:20,657 DAD. 1380 01:04:20,657 --> 01:04:24,594 >> DO I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING A 1381 01:04:24,594 --> 01:04:25,762 DIVORCE? 1382 01:04:25,762 --> 01:04:26,296 IS IT MY FAULT? 1383 01:04:26,296 --> 01:04:26,763 >> MY FAULT? 1384 01:04:26,763 --> 01:04:27,564 >> MY FAULT? 1385 01:04:27,564 --> 01:04:31,434 >> MY FAULT? 1386 01:04:31,434 --> 01:04:32,135 >> I JUST SAID THE QUIET PART 1387 01:04:32,135 --> 01:04:32,535 OUT LOUD. 1388 01:04:32,836 --> 01:04:33,303 BUT DON'T WORRY, BOYS, WE HAVE A 1389 01:04:33,303 --> 01:04:33,837 SPECIAL OFFER TODAY. 1390 01:04:33,937 --> 01:04:34,504 WHO WANTS DADDY ON WEEKENDS? 1391 01:04:34,571 --> 01:04:35,171 CAN I GET DADDY ON WEEKENDS? 1392 01:04:35,171 --> 01:04:35,672 DADDY ON WEEKENDS. 1393 01:04:35,672 --> 01:04:36,005 NOBODY? 1394 01:04:36,005 --> 01:04:36,339 NOBODY? 1395 01:04:36,339 --> 01:04:37,073 OKAY. 1396 01:04:37,073 --> 01:04:37,774 WHO WANTS DADDY ON CHRISTMAS? 1397 01:04:37,774 --> 01:04:40,410 DADDY ON CHRISTMAS? 1398 01:04:40,410 --> 01:04:41,644 ANYBODY WANTS -- DO WE HAVE -- 1399 01:04:41,644 --> 01:04:42,145 >> YUUUUUUUPP! 1400 01:04:42,145 --> 01:04:42,912 >> WE GOT ONE TAKER. 1401 01:04:42,912 --> 01:04:43,646 NOW REMEMBER, FOLKS, THIS IS DAD 1402 01:04:43,646 --> 01:04:44,080 ON CHRISTMAS. 1403 01:04:44,347 --> 01:04:44,914 WE'RE TALKING DIRT BIKES, PS5s, 1404 01:04:44,914 --> 01:04:45,915 AND PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA. 1405 01:04:45,915 --> 01:04:46,416 >> YUUUUUPP! 1406 01:04:46,416 --> 01:04:46,916 >> YUUUUUPP! 1407 01:04:46,916 --> 01:04:50,253 >> YUUUUUPP! 1408 01:04:50,253 --> 01:04:52,689 >> THE VIBES WILL BE WORSE AT 1409 01:04:52,689 --> 01:04:54,557 DADDY'S HOUSE, BUT THERE WILL BE 1410 01:04:54,557 --> 01:04:57,193 MORE TV AND A LOT LESS RULES -- 1411 01:04:57,193 --> 01:05:00,096 >> YUUUUUPPP! 1412 01:05:00,096 --> 01:05:00,797 >> I HEARD Y'ALL YELLING NEXT 1413 01:05:00,797 --> 01:05:01,664 DOOR. 1414 01:05:01,664 --> 01:05:02,398 AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN OFFER ON 1415 01:05:02,398 --> 01:05:03,133 THE LITTLE LADY WHO IS NO LONGER 1416 01:05:03,133 --> 01:05:03,533 SPOKEN FOR. 1417 01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:04,033 >> NEIGHBOR FRANK? 1418 01:05:04,134 --> 01:05:04,667 BIDDING ON LIL OLE ME? 1419 01:05:04,667 --> 01:05:05,168 >> YES, MA'AM. 1420 01:05:05,301 --> 01:05:05,935 I AM A FREAK IN THE BEDROOM. 1421 01:05:06,002 --> 01:05:06,669 WE CAN DO IT UPSIDE DOWN, ON ALL 1422 01:05:06,669 --> 01:05:07,404 FOURS, FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE 1423 01:05:07,404 --> 01:05:08,071 BACK, FROM THE SIDE, DOGGY 1424 01:05:08,805 --> 01:05:11,908 178 FRIED. 1425 01:05:11,908 --> 01:05:12,675 >> NOOOOW, HEARING YOU ALL 1426 01:05:12,675 --> 01:05:13,410 FANCY ON MY WIFE HAS CAUSED ME 1427 01:05:13,410 --> 01:05:14,010 TO RE-ENTER THE BIDDING. 1428 01:05:14,010 --> 01:05:15,812 CAN I GET A SECOND CHANCE? 1429 01:05:15,812 --> 01:05:16,446 CAN I GET A SECOND CHANCE? 1430 01:05:16,446 --> 01:05:16,880 SECOND CHANCE? 1431 01:05:16,880 --> 01:05:17,313 SECOND CHANCE? 1432 01:05:17,480 --> 01:05:19,048 HOW ABOUT A THIRD CHANCE? 1433 01:05:19,048 --> 01:05:21,651 HOW ABOUT A FOURTH CHANCE? 1434 01:05:21,651 --> 01:05:22,385 CAN I GET ANY KIND OF CHANCE AT 1435 01:05:22,385 --> 01:05:23,887 ALL? 1436 01:05:23,887 --> 01:05:25,655 BECAUSE TO ME YOU ARE 1437 01:05:25,655 --> 01:05:26,156 PRICELESS. 1438 01:05:26,356 --> 01:05:27,157 THAT'S RIGHT, BABY DOLL, YOU ARE 1439 01:05:27,157 --> 01:05:27,924 PRICELESS. 1440 01:05:27,924 --> 01:05:28,391 >> SOLD. 1441 01:05:28,391 --> 01:05:28,892 TO ME. 1442 01:05:29,092 --> 01:05:29,626 THE HAPPIEST LIL' LADY ON EARTH! 1443 01:05:29,626 --> 01:05:30,160 >> YUUUUUUUP! 1444 01:05:30,160 --> 01:05:33,229 >> YUUUUUUUP! 1445 01:05:33,229 --> 01:05:38,668 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1446 01:05:49,045 --> 01:05:52,549 >>> THANK YOU TO NOAH KAHAN AND AZIZ ANSARI 1447 01:05:52,549 --> 01:05:56,319 THE CREW AND HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY 1448 01:05:56,319 --> 01:05:57,787 TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MOTHERS OUT 1449 01:05:57,787 --> 01:05:58,254 THERE. 1450 01:05:58,254 --> 01:06:00,356 WE LOVE YOU! 1451 01:06:00,356 --> 01:06:00,957 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1452 01:06:00,957 --> 01:06:12,035 ♪♪