Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Members of the press. Thank you.
Can we could we hold the work on the ballroom, please?
I'm delighted to be here today.
As some of you know, I'm about to go on maternity leave.
That's when you tell President Trump
about your maternity, and he says leave.
But before I go, I'd like to introduce
a man who just finished
absolutely owning the Dems in his congressional testimony.
The man, the myth, the liability.
Pete Hegseth.
cut the track.
Cut it.
And yeah, this is a Scotch.
I said I'd have just one.
He'd go for the baby.
Okay.
Now listen up, dingbat.
Okay.
As you might have seen on our sick ass TikTok,
we've been bombing stuff, doing sick air raids.
This war has been a movie.
Specifically the never ending story
we've hit.
I ran with everything we've got missiles, bombs,
drones and twins.
But now we're in a cease fire.
Wink.
Which is why I have time to come talk to you.
But munchies.
So. All right, dumb questions go.
Yeah.
When you recited that Bible verse from Pulp Fiction
about vengeance and furious anger,
did you know it was fake?
And it wasn't really in the Bible?
Yeah.
But also, I do
believe that someday it will be
in Bible two.
Electric Bible two.
Now, I'm not going to apologize because I wear my religion
on my sleeve. Literally.
I have a tattoo on my forearm of Jesus choking out
Jimmy Kimmel.
Next.
Yeah.
Is it true that
you've already spent $25 billion in taxpayer dollars?
Is it true you suck.
I'm just trying to get an estimate of what you think
the total cost of this war will be, I don't know.
I guess I could put it in terms like a theater kid.
Like you would understand.
525,600 billion.
Ruff, ruff.
You just got dog walked
next.
What about reports that U.S.
military facilities have been badly damaged?
Exactly how many bases have been hit?
More bases than you've ever hit.
Virgin.
And you want to see a base that's been badly damaged.
Check out your mom after she's done riding Pete's Dragon.
In summary, war is awesome.
Okay.
Everyone's always asking me when this war going to be over.
That's like asking when is sex going to be over?
Answer when the man is done.
Yeah, you.
But President Trump himself just declared that the war is over.
Okay. Yeah.
When he says it, it's cool.
And to quote another thing, he says you're fired.
I don't work for you.
You know what? You're right.
You're actually not working for me.
Two brunet, not enough filler.
And what are those pickups?
One is.
Yeah.
Now, look, I'd love to stay here.
Keep dunking on your weak asses.
But someone else wants to come.
Say hello before. He's almost certainly fired.
Director of the FBI, Mr.
Kash Patel.
What up?
It's K Dot, aka Kash with the K, aka
the most effective FBI director this country has ever had,
Kash Patel.
Now, after the attempted
assassination of President Trump, another one.
We conducted an investigation
that could not have been more thorough.
We dotted every t and bulged every eye.
And for
those of you saying I'm doing a bad job running the FBI.
Well, what if I told you this agency is only six weeks away
from pinpointing the exact location of Osama bin laden?
You guys should not be reporting the lies in the gossip.
You should be reporting
on the historic nature of my appointment.
I am a trailblazer.
I'm the first Indian person to suck at their job.
Hey, everyone says Indian
people are smart, hardworking, incredibly intelligent.
I prove
without a shadow of a doubt that we can be just as incapable
and incompetent as the whites.
Okay.
Questions? Yeah. You little shorty.
Are you nervous about reports that Trump is angry with you?
Hell, no.
President Trump loves me.
Everybody loves me.
Even the Correspondents Dinner shooter said kill everyone.
But Mr. Patel.
You get a shout out like that in the psychos manifesto.
You must be doing something right.
Okay.
Is it true that you, the director of the FBI,
was locked out of your own email account?
That's just more lies.
I've always been
able to log into my email, except for a brief 36 hour
period of time when I forgot I had changed my password
to catch me outside. 69
and I.
Can I ask about your drinking?
What about it?
I was actually talking to Mr.
Patel.
Oh, awesome.
Let me be clear.
This FBI director has never been drunk or hungover on the job.
This FBI director has never filled a 40 ounce travel mug
with ice cold gin and a swirl of dry vermouth and six
lemon peels and called it a cash tinny.
This FBI director has never used taxpayer dollars
to take a private jet to fly him and his girlfriend
to three different Buffalo Wild Wings
locations across the country
to see if they could taste the difference.
And this FBI director has definitely not stood
on top of the couch at the VIP room of Tao nightclub,
an Asian bistro and shouted, who wants the nuclear codes?
JK? I ain't got em.
And beyond that,
I just have one more thing to say.
Live From New York.
It's Saturday night.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST OLIVIA
RODRIGO.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- OLIVIA
RODRIGO!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
It is seriously a dream to be hosting tonight.
I grew up watching this show, and they say your favorite
SNL cast is the one you watched as a teenager.
So mine is Mikey Day,
Sarah Sherman, Kenan Thompson, and Chloe Fineman
and they all came back this week
just to cheer me on how sweet it was.
Anyway, I have a new album out next month.
Thank you.
My last two albums were called Sour and Guts,
and this new one is called
You Seem Pretty Sad for a Girl So in Love I learn more words.
Guys.
Oh, and, you may not know this, but before I was Olivia
Rodrigo, the singer, I was actually Olivia Rodrigo.
The child actor.
And I was six.
I had my first ever acting job in an Old Navy commercial.
Can we show the clip?
>> SUMMER SIZZLING DRESSES, $50!
[ CHEERS ]
Yeah.
Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet.
They cut my line, though.
I'm not sure why, but, I managed to get the full footage.
>> SUMMER SIZZLING DRESSES, $50!
>> HEY, THAT'S NOT MY REAL MOM,
I WANT TO GO TO THE GAP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
And I'm not sure why they cut that.
Then when I was 13,
I was on a Disney show called Aardvark, and, we.
We had an incredible cast, which included acting legends
Jake Paul, and, we'd always talk about our futures.
Me and Jake.
I'd say I really want to create music that explores
the complexities of girls my age.
And he'd say, well, one day
I really want to beat up old guys on Netflix.
And we both did it.
Hooray!
These last few years I've been touring my albums,
which has been so incredible.
There are so many highs on tour,
connecting with fans, visiting new cities.
And there was one, notable low.
>> OH, MY GOD, THAT WAS FUN, I'M
OKAY!
[ LAUGHTER ]
That wasn't fun.
And I wasn't okay.
You know, a lot has changed for me
since my first single, driver's license,
which was about the biggest
event in my life when I was a teenager.
And now that I'm older,
I decided to write a new song about the most recent big event
in my adult life, and I really hope it speaks to you.
I got my real I.D.
last week.
Showed up at the DMV.
I sat there waiting 14 hours with nine forms to prove it's
me. They finally called my number T107632.
And I approached the lady.
She says I don't have what I need.
She said my ideas in real.
Well, then why did you give it to me?
The lady said you need a pay stub.
I said, what the hell is that? I'm 23.
And I know I'm not perfect,
but I've never been so mad at someone.
This lady wants my passport, my W-2.
I'm my first born son.
My cat spell my body count, bra size.
How long will this be?
And she said forever.
So I'll just use my old fake I.D..
We have got a great show for you tonight.
I'm here, so stick around. We'll be right back.
You're watching Pluto TV.
Home of your favorite classic shows now.
It's the 1983 nighttime drama edge of Destiny.
Marguerite, what on earth are you doing here?
You weren't invited to the champagne bowl.
But of course I was. Diana, your son asked me himself.
And that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Marguerite, you're not to see Robin anymore.
Not today, not ever.
You see, I don't want my son interacting with trash.
Excuse me. After everything I've done for this family.
What are you.
I'll so back.
Oh, I want my vertigo on.
Diana.
No, no.
Marguerite!
What in heaven's name did you do?
Robin. I don't know what happened.
Your mother was telling me these. These lies when she lies.
What did she say? Yeah.
She said you were calling off the engagement.
It was life, wasn't it, Robin?
I'm sorry.
Marguerite. I lose the house.
My inheritance. He threw me away for money.
You bastard! Oh!
Proving that you stand up.
Miss Stapleton, begging your pardon, ma'am.
May I have a word with you? Oh, yes.
Step away from the stone. I'm sorry, miss, there's no time.
I'm Jonas, the family attorney.
We're prepared
to make you a generous offer of $500
to leave the premises and never speak to young Reuben again.
But you must sign here. No, no. I never signed such a thing.
Not now, not ever.
Whoa, whoa, now be careful. My legs are beyond easy.
I'm standing in front of these stairs.
Oh, no. Oh!
Oh, no!
Mercy!
Oh, no. No!
Marguerite, did you just push that dapper
old dandy down the stairs?
And why is there a pile of bodies down there?
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Station.
Randall, what are you doing here?
Oh, we're taking Leopold
to the terrace for his afternoon, and we.
No one informed us there would be a collection of
trash by the stairway.
How dare you!
I should. Excuse me, ma'am.
I have this, tower of champagne flutes.
Where do you think the master worked?
Oh, my goodness.
Clarence.
No
Oh. Oh, look, I stopped myself.
Oh! Thank goodness. Clarence.
Are you all right? Clarence?
You just fell down so many stairs.
Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Oh, no. Wait there. I'm not.
Oh, yeah. Oh.
Hi, Monty. You stay here.
It was you who told Reuben about my past.
It was you who asked Diana to end the engagement.
You're mad.
I would never confess. Confess or Leopold.
Guess who.
Leopold. You wouldn't dare try me. Oh!
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Who's the trash now?
Well, well, well, I suppose there's
no one left to inherit the house after all.
Now, who has the last laugh?
I do, bitch.
Oh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ I'VE GOT THE
PERFECT BEDROOM
I'VE GOT THE
PERFECT BED ♪
♪ I'VE GOT A PURPLE PHONE
WITH A CURLY CORD
RIGHT BESIDE MY HEAD ♪
♪ I'VE GOT A LAVA LAMP
AND BOY BAND POSTERS
ON THE WALL ♪
♪ I'VE GOT A BEANBAG CHAIR
AND I'VE GOT A DISCO BALL ♪
♪ I'VE GOT MY
GLOW-IN-THE-DARK STARS
ON THE CEILING ♪
♪ GOT MY MOOD RING
THAT TELLS ME HOW
I'M FEELING ♪
♪ I'VE GOT A TV
BUILT-IN VHS ♪
♪ I LOVE MY BEDROOM
IT'S THE BEST ♪
♪ THE ONLY PROBLEM IS
I'M IN A ZOO
ON THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪
♪ A ZOO ON THE BUG PEOPLE
PLANET ♪
♪ EVERY DAY
WHEN THE SUN COMES UP
THE BUG PEOPLE COME
AND LOOK AT ME ♪
♪ THEY LET THE ZOO MEMBERS
COME IN FIRST
AND THE OLDER BUGS GET IN
FOR FREE ♪
♪ THEY WATCH ME THROUGH
MY BOY BAND POSTERS
BEADY EYES ALL IN A ROW ♪
♪ THEN SIT ON BLEACHERS
WHILE I USE THE TOILET
WHEN I FLUSH THEY CLAP
LIKE IT'S THE DOLPHIN SHOW ♪
♪ I LOVE MY PERFECT BEDROOM
AND I KNOW IT'S AN
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
HABI -- HABI -- HABITAT ♪
♪ IN A CAVE ON
THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET
PLANET PLANET THAT
MADE A ROOM FOR ME ♪
♪ I NEVER FELT SO FREE
THERE'S A BUG
WHO ALWAYS PROTESTS ♪
♪ I CAN TELL HE'S GOT
A BIG HEART ♪
♪ ONCE A BABY FELL
IN MY ROOM
AND THEY SHOT ME
WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART ♪
♪ NOW I DON'T HAVE A LOT
OF MOVIES
"A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN"
IS THE ONLY ONE ♪
♪ AND THEY COULDN'T
GET A REAL COPY
SO THEY HAD TO MAKE
A BUG-PEOPLE ONE ♪
>> THERE'S NO CRYING IN
EARTHBALL.
>> I THINK THEY DID A REALLY
GOOD JOB.
♪ EVERY NIGHT WHEN
THE BUGS GO HOME
I'M LEFT IN MY ROOM
AND I'M ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I STARE AT THE STARS
AND THINK OF MY FATE
AND THAT'S WHEN THEY
BRING ME A POTENTIAL MATE ♪
>> HI, I'M ALAN.
NOT QUITE SURE HOW I GOT HERE,
BUT I -- I THINK THEY WANT US TO
REPRODUCE.
>> NO.
>> TOTALLY.
I'M NOT READY EITHER.
WE'LL GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER
FIRST, THEN REPRODUCE.
>> NOT INTERESTED.
>> MAKES SENSE.
WELL, NICE MEETING YOU.
OH, HERE COMES THE CLAW.
>> WE TRIED, BUDDY.
>> WHAT NOW?
A LIFE OF LUXURY IN THE ROYAL
PALACE?
♪ I LOVE MY PERFECT BEDROOM
AND I KNOW IT'S AN
ARTIFICIAL HUMAN
HABI -- HABI -- HABITAT ♪
♪ IN A CAVE ON
THE BUG PEOPLE PLANET
PLANET PLANET THAT
MADE A ROOM FOR ME ♪
♪ I NEVER FELT SO FREE ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I said because you're silly. No, that's not true.
Are y'all Rhett and Bev here? Live on shop TV?
Bev got some good news during the break.
Okay.
The judge denied her daughter's
petition to be legally emancipated.
Oh, kiss my ass, Kayla, I got you for two more years.
You know what's punk in your life?
It's like this.
When she found out she was moonwalking
like Michael Jackson. Do your moonwalk.
There you go. Okay. Oh. You're laughing.
I know. All right, coming up.
The most talented man in Christianity returns.
Tim Tucker needs here selling his Christian White book series.
Nazareth high. Oh, okay. Change alert.
Oh, the son of God's greatest miracle. Passing geometry.
Oh, okay, Tim, it's just
a ride.
Well, I wish you were here in the studio
because it smells so dang good in here.
What it does? That is thanks to our first seller.
Owner of Daisy's custom cakes.
It's Daisy Rae Rutledge.
Well, aren't you just the cutest thing?
Oh, my grandma, grandma will be so happy you said that.
She always says ugly girls down.
Oh. Oh. That's sad. That's a little intense.
So, what do you got for us today, Daisy?
I'm selling my famous lava cake that comes in a reusable tin
Reusable. No.
Yeah, and you get the cake and the tin for the shop
TV price of just 19.95. That's it. Oh, can you stop?
Oh, I know right.
Daisy, go ahead and show
the shoppers at home what's smelling so good.
Oh, I'm drooling already.
No, don't eat the whole thing, Babs. Oh.
Oh, okay. Oh.
Okay. Oh.
Oh. Hi.
Okay. Come on. Y'all ever seen anything like that?
Just my wife once
My cats. Every day.
Daisy.
Why does
why does your cake got a little starfish in the middle there?
Oh, baby, that's a fudge hole.
Oh, no. Oh, no. That can't be what it's called.
Oh, it is. It's from the fudge feeling inside in the oven.
This thing needs someone to escape, so it pops.
Cute little home town. Oh, I wouldn't call it cute.
That's what forms all these pretty crust creases
and flavor wrinkles around the little fudge hole here.
Do you do you have to trim it like that?
Oh, get off to close up. Oh, dear.
How about we see who's on the shop line?
Call your own shop TV. What do you think of this cake?
I think it looks like a big old butthole. Hang up
Shame on you.
So rude.
Now, Daisy, tell me you know,
why in the heck do they call it a lava cake?
I don't know diddly about baking.
So you got it wrong.
Well, my grandma grandma
always says with some patience, anyone can bake.
Even ugly people.
Okay, how about no more quote from grandma. Grandma. Home.
So what is it called? A lava cake?
Oh, because of the liquid fudge inside. Silly.
Beth, stick your national flag home. Take a big wave.
Oh, that was an awful send. So I think I'm gonna pass on that.
Come on. It smells amazing. Okay, okay, I'll do a quick one.
Okay, dear. Oh, babe, you got quiche?
Okay, okay, okay.
That's great. I'm glad I did that right on camera.
That's all right. That's right. I got a taste
of finger in there.
Oh, no. No, I don't want to mess up the parade.
Okay. Oh, the cake will be fine. Just go slow. Oh, don't.
Don't say that, sweetheart.
Okay. Here you go. Here we go.
All right. I'm sticking my finger in.
Okay, grant, why are you using your pinky?
Don't mind your pinky. It seem more polite. Okay.
Oh, okay. Here you go. I'll do it. There.
Oh I don't. Oh my lord.
Oh, nice.
There you go. Oh, and there's still you know,
it's. Oh. And it's, it's peanut butter flavor tasting.
Oh I know. Okay, okay.
Oh I mean, it tastes good despite
how bad that look, y'all.
Can I get something to wipe my hand off, please?
Not toilet Linette, use your hand.
Daisy, can you tell everybody at home
about the special bongo bundle? Bundle?
Not bongo bundle?
Yeah.
For the next ten minutes,
if you order two cakes, you get two more for eight.
How about that?
Wow. Okay, that's a deal. Let's take another caller.
Hi, there. You're on TV.
Yeah. Do these cakes come in different flavors?
Oh, sure do. What's your favorite? Asian?
Oh. Hang on. Go to Okay. Yeah.
I don't understand the question. Oh, good.
Don't think about it. Disgusting.
Don't think about it.
Well, speaking of reheating,
I understand your little demo with, vanilla. Okay.
Oh, yes.
Yes. Okay.
All right.
If you stick your cake in the microwave for 90s,
it does something super neat here.
Hey, hey. Oh, steam starts coming up.
Photo can tell since the camera tells it to. Oh, no.
I think they could see just fine. Okay. Oh, no.
Don't touch the dang overhead, Odell. That's obscene.
Blur that blurry. Well, don't
don't blur everything but the whole.
Odell. Odell.
Well, Daisy, we got a packed show.
I wish we could chat more, but time's a little tight.
Tight like that cake
Okay, Odell, we told you to hang up on him
shop TV after this.
And, Odell, if you keep messing with us, I'm
gonna stop sleeping with you.
Hey, Brianna, thanks so much for coming to my birthday party.
Oh, of course. And I'm so sorry that I invited Duncan.
It was before you guys broke up.
It's okay.
Three whole weeks ago.
I mean, obviously, I've been thinking about him a lot.
I'm just, like, crying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's my birthday, so.
Sorry, I overheard, and I just want to say that's rough.
I'm sorry. I'm Kevin, by the way. I'm Brianna.
Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but could you, like,
pretend to be my date tonight?
Maybe make my ex a little jealous?
Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I can do that.
Oh my God. Sorry. Oh, what was that?
Oh, sorry. No, my my ex is here.
Looks like she's already with another guy.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Hey, I know we don't know each other,
and this might be crazy, but
would you like to pretend to be my date tonight?
Oh, Acting okay.
I that could be great.
I mean, it doesn't matter that I've had a baby before.
You know what?
Why would I just. Because I'm a little older, but.
Oh, but we're acting.
Okay, so,
officer, I'm 18, I swear.
Actually. I'm okay.
I know what to do.
No, I want to do not want to do not want to do it.
I want to do what I want to do, actually do.
Okay. You just look at them. Look at. Okay.
And that is why I never went skiing again.
Oh, you're so funny.
Oh, no. He's making her laugh. Damn it.
Okay, Pretend I just told you a joke.
Okay. God.
Okay, a day joke.
Hey, buddy, my sister's gay.
No. Why that? No. Laugh like you like it. Okay.
Hahaha.
What a great gay joke. Oh my gosh.
Fun fact, my sister's gay.
What are you doing?
Oh my God, he's with someone and having so much fun.
Well, then we need to have more fun.
But, No no no no. Yes.
Oh, come on, how are we going to top that?
Oh. You're bad
Oh you're bad. Oh.
Mashed potatoes. Oh.
It's what they're doing.
Come on. Look it off is not what they're doing.
Come on. You want her back or not? Look at her.
Oh. Oh, that's the stuff.
Now giggle, giggle.
Hahaha. Ha ha ha ha.
Is she looking?
Yeah, but like, not in a good way.
Oh, wow.
There's so, like physical
there's sexual chemistry is up the charts.
Okay. Here, I got you. Oh, you're such a gentleman.
Oh, oh, quick, give me your jacket. What?
No, what? It's doing. I get your jacket.
Oh, your nipples like my sock.
Hey, that's this dude, it's my shirt. I'm going.
Oh, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're going to, like, do my.
Oh, take my. Okay. Stop. Okay. That's down.
Oh my God.
They're all over each other. Oh, quick, give me a massage.
Your hips. All right. You got.
Oh my God.
Okay, well, can I give you a massage up?
Are you kidding? I live for those things. Okay. Perfect.
Oh, what?
What are you doing?
I love massages, I thought they were something different.
What's, Oh my God. Oh my God,
I watch this. Hey, everyone.
I just wanted to say happy birthday to Marcus.
And the only thing better than having friends you've known
your whole life is meeting someone you feel like
you've known forever.
Oh. I feel the same way.
Okay,
I know you've got something about me.
Oh, stop.
Ting ting ting ting.
Thank you for having this birthday party. Oh,
for I have met a man tonight.
We made love in the bathroom
so hard that had gotten the food.
His name is Heinrich.
Dunks its dunk and he goes by dunking.
We are to be wed
at midnight.
No, no, we're not under the clock tower. Jesus Christ.
Now let us pray.
Duncan, wait.
I have to say something. Duncan, I made a mistake.
I'm not over you,
and I was trying to make you jealous tonight
by flirting with some random nobody. Whoa!
But I did it because I loved you.
Please don't marry her.
Too late. Bitch. I'm pregnant. Oh,
no. You're not.
No she's not. I'm pregnant. Stop, stop,
I want her! Excuse her!
Come on, babe, let's get out of here.
All right? You want to take my car?
Not you know. Good night maam Good night to you. I say,
oh. You put on quite a show tonight, Beverly. Oh.
Would you like some more potatoes? Yes, please.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OLIVIA
RODRIGO!
♪♪
♪ I KNOW THAT THE BAR
CLOSES AT 11:00
I HOPE YOU NEVER
FINISH THAT BEER ♪
♪ YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO
"JUST LIKE HEAVEN" ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHY HE
WROTE THEM NOW THAT YOU'RE
STANDING RIGHT HERE ♪
♪ OHH ONE NIGHT I WAS
BORED IN BED AND STALKED
YOU ON THE INTERNET ♪
♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION
'CAUSE I ALWAYS
HAD A VISION OF US
STANDING LIKE THIS ♪
♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE
BATHROOM LINE ♪
♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE
AN ANGEL ON THE WALLS
OF VERSAILLES ♪
♪ THE MOST ALIVE
I'VE EVER BEEN
BUT KISS ME
AND I MIGHT DROP DEAD ♪
♪♪
♪ AND I FEEL LIKE
I MIGHT THROW UP
LEFT HOOK RIGHT PUNCH
TO THE GUT ♪
♪ YOU'RE SO SO PRETTY BOY
I'M PARANOID I MADE YOU UP ♪
♪ YEAH I'D LOVE IT
IF YOU WALKED ME HOME
IF YOU PROMISED WE COULD
GO REAL SLOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I GOT CHEWING GUM
AND A BUNCH OF STUFF
I'D LIKE TO KNOW ♪
♪ LIKE HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO JAPAN
OR TAKEN THAT EUROSTAR
TO FRANCE ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN DROPPING HINTS
ALL NIGHT THAT I'D LOVE
IT IF YOU HELD MY HAND
DAMN ♪
♪ AND THEN MAYBE WE COULD
MAKE-MAKE OUT
CLOTHES OFF AND FALL
TO THE GROUND ♪
♪ LET'S GO STEADY
LET'S GO OUT
AND TELL THE WHOLE
DAMN WORLD HOW ♪
♪ ONE NIGHT I WAS
BORED IN BED
AND STALKED YOU
ON THE INTERNET ♪
♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION
'CAUSE I ALWAYS
HAD A VISION OF US
STANDING LIKE THIS ♪
♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE
BATHROOM LINE ♪
♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE
AN ANGEL ON THE WALLS
OF VERSAILLES ♪
♪ THE MOST ALIVE
I'VE EVER BEEN
BUT KISS ME AND I MIGHT ♪
♪ PISCES AND A GEMINI
BUT I THINK WE MIGHT
GO REALLY NICE TOGETHER ♪
♪ IF YOU LET ME STAY
THE NIGHT
WELL I THINK I MIGHT
JUST HAVE TO STAY FOREVER ♪
♪ PISCES AND A GEMINI
BUT I THINK WE MIGHT
GO REALLY NICE TOGETHER ♪
♪ IF YOU LET ME STAY
THE NIGHT
WELL I THINK I MIGHT
JUST HAVE TO STAY FOREVER ♪
♪♪
♪ ONE NIGHT I WAS
BORED IN BED
AND STALKED YOU
ON THE INTERNET ♪
♪ IT'S FEMININE INTUITION
'CAUSE I ALWAYS
HAD A VISION OF US
STANDING LIKE THIS ♪
♪ ALL PRESSED UP IN THE
BATHROOM LINE ♪
♪ YOU'RE LOOKING LIKE
AN ANGEL ON THE WALL
OF VERSAILLES ♪
♪ THE MOST ALIVE
I'VE EVER BEEN
BUT KISS ME AND I MIGHT ♪
♪ KISS ME AND I MIGHT
KISS ME AND I MIGHT
DROP DEAD ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you.
Good evening everyone.
Welcome to weekend update I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost.
Well we start tonight with some breaking news.
Just a few hours ago,
Spirit Airlines permanently shut down mid-flight.
The airline stranded thousands of passengers
at airports with no employees
manning any of the check in desks.
Spirit said they were proud they were still maintaining
their normal level of service.
Called Thomas Allen, the alleged
Correspondents Dinner shooter
took this selfie in his hotel room
shortly before his assassination attempt,
which he captioned felt cute, might delete President.
This week gig, Charles visited the U.S.
and met Zoran Mamdani,
and I'm surprised he didn't take Mamdani back
to England with them because he is an Indian treasure.
Okay.
King Charles visited the U.S.
to mark
the 250th anniversary of American independence
from Britain and to seek the release
of a British hostage being held by an American terrorist.
King Charles also presented President Trump
with the original bell
from a British submarine and said, should you ever need
to get a hold of us, just give us a ring
or or Trump could just call the guy
saved in his phone as Andrew Island.
Legal experts are saying that this
week's Supreme Court ruling has taken
a wrecking ball to the Voting Rights Act of 1965.
But if you ask black people, it felt more like a fire hose
and two real
President Trump met with the Artemis two astronauts
in the Oval Office and told them, I like SpaceX,
which is actually a direct quote from Melania's wedding vows.
Defense Secretary Pete
Hegseth, seen here right after the bartender cut him off.
Testified before Congress, where he revealed that the current
estimate for the war in Iran is $25 billion a gallon.
Also, how has the war already cost 25 billion?
What are we bombing them with? White House ball rooms?
A federal appeals court has restricted abortion access
by blocking the mailing of a popular abortion drug.
But just remember, any drug can be an abortion drug.
If you do it enough.
One guy clap.
The U.S.
State Department is introducing a special edition
passport that features
an image of Donald Trump, so you'll always carry
a reminder of why you fled the country.
Also, I love that the picture of Trump
is apparently burning a hole
in the Declaration of Independence.
A homeless man in Florida was arrested
after trespassing on a yacht
and saying that he was holding it
for his friend, President Trump, as well as making other
unbelievable claims like, I was mayor of New York City.
That was my impression of Kate.
Representative Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez said she thinks it's possible
America has already had a gay president.
And here's a guess.
Maybe it's the one obsessed
with ballrooms and the Village People.
President Trump is also claiming that a BBC documentary
altered his January 6th speech by using AI to change his words.
And when you watch it back, it is kind of egregious.
A new report claims that the next person
to leave the Trump administration will be FBI
Director Kash Patel.
And honestly, Patel
seems like he already has one eye out the door.
The movie Michael earned $97 million in its opening weekend,
which was the most a music biopic has ever grossed.
But it didn't even crack the top
ten grossest weekends involving Michael Jackson.
Well, the news is heavy this week,
but here at Weekend Update,
we are not afraid to take on the tough subjects.
So here to discuss their brewing feud are podcaster
slash influencer Alex Cooper
and influencer slash blogger Alix Earle
Hey guys, what is up Daddy Day?
Welcome ladies!
So for anyone not familiar,
would you mind introducing yourselves? Yeah of course.
So I am Alex with an ear, and I'm Alex with an eye.
I'm pretty much Martha Stewart.
If instead of teaching baking,
she taught you that, like like 3000.
And I'm basically Ellen, if she never came out,
and I didn't really help me at all.
But do you mind explaining what your feud is? Even about?
Okay. So, like, do you know Piggy and Pop?
Yes. Okay. Well we don't. Can you, like, explain them to us?
You know what?
Okay, so I'm going to say what happened between us.
Okay, then say it.
Say what you got to say, you girl on that.
There's no NDA. Alex.
It. Okay, so I'm honestly really coming out.
I'm saying it like I'm saying it.
We didn't say it, okay? I just said no, you didn't.
I didn't hear you just out like it's okay. Well, that was you.
Have I said it?
I didn't hear anything.
I literally didn't hear. What are you doing? Are you.
You know what the hell is happening right now?
What is happening?
Okay, so basically, to put this in, like, gay man's term,
I don't need that.
Okay? So she was a hot mess
and I want her hot mess to be an unwell.
But I felt unwell about unwell being off on that.
And it can't be on while
because I'm entering the wellness field.
What? Okay.
Okay.
Basically the situation got so unwell
it can only be described as worse.
The 911, because it can only be described that way.
Okay. And then a chicken fried.
But the whole thing but beyond I'm talking about her more like,
Oh, who the hell is that?
Oh. What?
Briana Chickenfry LaPaglia.
Zach Bryan█s ex who█s part of Barstool Cinematic Universe.
Duh!
I don't understand a word of any of this. Wow.
Okay, so when women tell you about their work
drama, you just, like, tune them out.
Yeah.
Wow. Actually, Jerry.
Wow. We're here to talk about
literal Chernobyl for white women.
And you don't even care.
Put this on the screen.
Michael Che is an enemy to white women. What?
Hey, y'all got that up really fast.
But apparently they have it ready all the time.
Yeah, like all right.
Alex Cooper and Alix Earle everybody
What is that?
In aviation companies now?
Conducting tests of an all electric air taxi to fly
wealthy customers from Manhattan to JFK airport.
While economy customers can use their slingshot to LaGuardia.
Authorities in Italy say a statue was damaged
after a woman accepted a bachelorette challenge
to touch the statue's genitals.
She's been charged with statue Tory rape.
Back to you, Colin.
Gastro gastroenterologist are
now saying that people can avoid getting hemorrhoids
if they just stop sitting on the toilet
for a long time while scrolling on their phones. No.
Coors light
announced the launch of their first nonalcoholic beer,
called 0.0%, and I love their new slogan, core 0.0.
Get custody back.
That's sweet.
Police in Nebraska arrested
a longtime sex offender known as the Cookie Monster
after he was found naked in a boy's bedroom.
Luckily, before he could go.
Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.
[ MOANS AND LAUGHTER ]
>>> THIS WEEK, RAPPER MEGAN THEE
STALLION AND NBA PLAYER KLAY
THOMPSON BROKE UP AFTER HE
ALLEGEDLY CHEATED ON HER WITH A
NUMBER OF WOMEN.
HERE TO COMMENT IS "SNL'S" KAM
PATTERSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT UP?
>> HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE
BREAKUP, KAM?
>> I'M SO UPSET.
MEGAN IS SINGLE!
>> DOESN'T LOOK LIKE IT, YOU'RE
BEAMING.
>> THIS IS A SMILE OF
DESPERATION.
I'M SAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WORRIED ABOUT MEG, MAN.
YOU DON'T SEE THE BROADWAY
PRODUCTION OF "MOULIN ROUGE."
I COULDN'T BELIEVE SHE WAS IN
TOWN.
>> YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT "MOULIN ROUGE" IS.
IT'S WRITTEN PHONETICALLY ON THE
CARD FOR YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SHUT UP!
I'M JUST SAYING, WHO EVEN IS
THIS GUY?
>> YOU DON'T KNOW KLAY THOMPSON?
>> NO.
>> HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS PRO
BASKETBALL PLAYER.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S A WNBA FOR MEN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?
THE MMBA?
NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME
THERE'S A WHITE MICHAEL CHE.
>> THERE IS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TO ME, HE'S NOT KLAY, HE'S
DIRT.
WHAT MEG THEE STALLION NEEDS IS
A REAL MAN.
>> WHAT'S REAL MAN?
>> FIRST OFF, HE'S PROBABLY 5'8"
TO 5'10".
SECOND, HE'S PROBABLY A BLACK
MAN BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS
BLACK MEN DON'T CHEAT.
>> KLAY THOMPSON IS BLACK.
>> HALF BLACK.
IT WAS THE WHITE HALF THAT
CHEATED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, WHAT ELSE MAKES A
REAL MAN?
>> WELL, HM.
HE'S PROBABLY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED
IN A THRIVING INDUSTRY LIKE, I
DON'T KNOW, ENTERTAINMENT.
>> OKAY.
>> MAYBE HE WORKS ON A SKETCH
TELEVISION SHOW.
AND HE'S NOT IN MANY SKETCHES,
BUT HE'S DOING OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SOME SAY HE'S FINDING HIS VOICE
MORE EVERY WEEK.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM.
THAT'S JUST YOU, KAM.
>> HUH.
I GUESS IT DOES KIND OF SOUND
LIKE ME.
>> SO YOU'RE CLEARLY JUST OUT
HERE SHOOTING YOUR SHOT, HUH?
>> HEY, SHOOTERS SHOOT.
THAT'S WHAT KLAY THOMPSON DID.
>> SO YOU DO KNOW WHO HE IS.
>> FOUR-TIME NBA CHAMPION, THE
SECOND-GREATEST SHOOTER OF
ALL-TIME?
I DON'T KNOW HIM.
>> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DO, AND IT
SOUNDS LIKE YOU WANT TO DATE HIS
EX-GIRLFRIEND.
>> IF I HAVE TO, I WILL.
I WILL DO THAT.
MEGAN, LET ME TALK TO YOU
DIRECT.
♪♪
>> OH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AM I THE MAN YOU WANT?
PROBABLY NOT.
BUT AM I THE MAN YOU NEED?
ALSO NO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU'VE ALREADY HAD THE BEST,
BABY, SO WHY NOT TRY THE REST?
>> WHAT?
>> LIKE I SAID IN ALL THOSE
UNANSWERED DMs, SUP?
DAMN.
FIRE EMOJI.
EVER BEEN TO A WATER PARK?
HEART EMOJI.
DAMN.
GOT DAMN.
DEMON EMOJI.
LET ME KNOW ABOUT WATER PARK.
SUP, BABY?
>> KAM PATTERSON, EVERYBODY.
>> BLACK MEN DON'T CHEAT!
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT!
>>> HELLO.
>> OH.
HONEY.
YOU'RE STILL AWAKE.
>> INDEED.
I TRIED TO GO TO BED, BUT MY
FAITHFUL FIANCEE WAS NOWHERE TO
BE FOUND.
>> SORRY.
DINNER WENT LONG.
>> HA HA HA.
♪ BUSTED
10:00 A.M. CLOCK
IN THE MORNING
WHERE YOU BEEN ♪
♪ BABY DIDN'T YOU
GET MY TEXT
I WAS WITH MY GIRLFRIENDS ♪
WE WENT DANCING.
>> WHO?
>> ME AND SHONDA AND MONICA,
CHANDLER WAS THERE TOO.
♪ BUSTED THE LAST NAMES WERE
FROM THE FAST OF FRIENDS KNOW
♪ THEY MIGHT BE FRIENDS BUT
THOSE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS ♪
♪ AND ALSO ♪
SHONDA CAN'T BE DANCING SHONDA'S
GOT FAKE LEGS ♪
♪ WELL SHE CAN STILL CLAP AT THE
BAR ♪
♪ BACK THOSE BAGS ♪
♪ BABY WE AIN'T GOT NO STAIRS
IT'S A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT ♪
♪
♪ BUSTED WE HAVE STAIRS SO THE
DOG CAN GET ON THE BED ♪
♪ HE'S A VERY OLD DOG AND NEEDS
A LITTLE HELP ♪
♪ BABY YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIE YOU
ALSO NEED THOSE STAIRS ♪
♪ OKAY UNNECESSARY LET'S GET
BACK TO THE ISSUE THAT'S AT
HAND ♪
♪ YOU'RE WALKING IN THIS HOUSE
AND THE TIME IS 10 P.M. ♪
♪ I MIGHT BE TRIPPING BUT THAT
FEELS LIKE A NORMAL TIME ♪
♪ BUT I GO TO BED AT 6:00 FOR MY
JOB THAT'S AT 9:00 ♪
♪ COME ON BABY THAT'S 15 HOURS ♪
♪ WELL I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP SO
IN THE MORNING I CAN CHEAT ♪
♪ DAMMIT CAN'T BELIEVE I SAID
THAT STUFF OUT LOUD ♪
♪ BUT HOLD ON JUST A SECOND HOW
WOULD YOU DEFINE CHEATING ♪
♪ HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER
PERSON ♪
♪ WELL DAMN THAT'S WHAT I DID ♪
♪ BUSTED I'VE BEEN SITTING IN
THE CLOSET THIS WHOLE TIME ♪
♪ I WAS GONNA ROB THIS HOUSE BUT
Y'ALL TAKING A LONG TIME ♪
♪ AND I'M TIRED OF WAITING ALONE
SO I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME ♪
♪ BUSTED ♪
>> WHO'S IN MY COUCH?
♪ I'M THE ROBBER'S WIFE AND I
FOLLOWED HIM HERE ♪
♪ I THOUGHT HE WAS CHEATING I
HAD SUSPICIONS ♪
♪ I GOT THESE LONG-ASS LEGS SO I
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS ♪
♪ BUSTED GIRL YOU KNOW Y'ALL
BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND
WHERE DID YOU COME FROM ♪
♪ HI MY NAME IS CHRIS ♪
♪ I WAS IN THE CLOSET 'CAUSE I'M
THE ROBBER'S MISTRESS ♪
♪ OKAY SO I WAS RIGHT I KNEW
THAT I WAS RIGHT ♪
♪ HELLO MY NAME IS CURTIS ♪
♪ I AM THE LANDLORD WHAT IS THIS
RUCKUS ♪
♪ IT'S 10:00 IN THE NIGHT I'M
TRYING TO EAT MY BOILED RICE ♪
♪ AND WHEN DID Y'ALL GET A DOG
Y'ALL CAN'T HAVE NO DOG ♪
♪ BUSTED WE'RE SORRY WE'RE LYING
AND CHEATING ♪
♪ AND WE GOT A DOG AND WE'RE
SINGING AT 10:00 ♪
ALL BECAUSE I DIDN'T TRUST MY
GIRL, MAN.
TODAY HAS REALLY TAUGHT ME
SOMETHING.
IF WE DON'T HAVE TRUST WHAT DO
WE HAVE?
>> IT'S OKAY, BABE.
BECAUSE I DID CHEAT ON YOU
TONIGHT AND LIKE A BAJILLION
OTHER TIMES.
♪ BUSTED BUSTED ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, OLIVIA RODRIGO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ ALL THAT I WANT
IS TO KNOW UNDOUBTEDLY
THAT YOU JUST HAVE EYES
FOR ME ♪
♪ COULD YOU MAKE IT CLEAR
ALL THAT I WANT
IS TO SIT HERE SILENTLY
AND WATCH MOVIES ON TV ♪
♪ WHAT A SHAME
YOU'RE NOT HERE ♪
♪ HERE TO WITNESS
MY DEVOTION AND MY ENDLESS
WELL OF NEEDS ♪
♪ I'M AN ANCHOR IN THE OCEAN
YOU KNOW I COULD
NEVER LEAVE ♪
♪ SO I'M PATIENT
YOU'RE LEARNING
PRETEND IT'S NOT HURTING
OHH ♪
♪ THEY SAY IT'S A VIRTUE
TO NOT LET GOOD
LOVE SLIP AWAY
AWAY ♪
♪ OH I'M COOL AND FORGIVING
I'LL TAKE WHAT
YOU'RE GIVING
OHH ♪
♪ BUT NOTHING'S
QUITE ENOUGH
WHEN I KNOW THAT
TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪
♪ TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪
♪ AND I HAVE THIS THOUGHT
WHEN I LAY IN BED AT NIGHT
THAT I FEEL TRAPPED
INSIDE MY LIFE ♪
♪ IS THAT A NORMAL THING TO
FIGHT BACK THE WAVES
OF A STATIC LOVERS' DREAD ♪
♪ I'M OVERWHELMED
I'M UNDERFED
AND YET I STILL CLING
CLING ♪
♪ CLING TO HOPE
LIKE SNOW ON MOUNTAINS
CARELESS WORDS
MELT IT AWAY ♪
♪ I'M A PENNY IN A FOUNTAIN
JUST WAITING
ON MY LUCK TO CHANGE ♪
♪ SO I'M
I'M PATIENT
YOU'RE LEARNING
PRETEND IT'S NOT HURTING ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THEY SAY
IT'S A VIRTUE
TO NOT LET GOOD LOVE
SLIP AWAY ♪
♪ AWAY ♪
♪ OH I'M COOL AND FORGIVING
I'LL TAKE WHAT
YOU'RE GIVING OHH ♪
♪ BUT NOTHING'S
QUITE ENOUGH
WHEN I KNOW THAT
TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪
♪ YEAH TO GET IT I BEGGED ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Marcy.
Going to 43 Bellevue AV. Yep. That's me.
Sir, do you mind if we have a few sips back here?
Oh, yeah. Do whatever you want.
Just, you know, give me five stars. Hell, yeah.
Hey, can you put on some music? Sure thing.
Oh, okay.
We need a plan for tonight.
Because I feel like last time we got it, we went.
I got, like, kind of sloppy. Oh, my God, so sloppy.
Yeah. Promise you'll cut me off after, like, 15 drinks?
Oh, the scene, that's, like a lot.
It is.
Oh, well, how about this?
Cut me off.
If I start jumping on people's backs and trying to revive them
because last time I heard that guy.
Yeah, well, he was in a wheelchair
already, but, yeah, yeah, he did hurt him.
I know it wasn't cute.
Okay, but you have to promise to not let me go skinny dipping.
I mean, it was so embarrassing at Jake's party.
Oh my God.
Okay, but to be fair,
if Jake had had a pool, it would have been fine. True.
It was only embarrassing because you're just,
like, kind of running around naked in these yard.
♪ DUM-DI-DUM-DI-DIDDY
DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM
DUM-DI-DUM-DI-DIDDY
DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM ♪
♪ GIRL JAH PUM PUM
MAKE ME MIND EXPLODE-A ♪
♪ PUT IT ON ME
AND ME GO BEAST MODE-A ♪
♪ JAH PUT IT ON ME
LIKE CHICKEN ON RICE-A
IN ME BED AND ME GON'
HIT IT TWICE-A ♪
♪ ME WAN JAH PUM PUM
PLEASE GIVE SOME SOME
YOU GWAN LAY WIT ME
GON' MAKE YOU COME COME ♪
♪ GWAN SCREAM WHEN ME HIT IT
AND ME STICK IT ♪
♪ MAKE YA SWEAT
GWAN CALL ME
JERK CHICKEN ♪
♪ WHITE DUPPY MOSES
ON DA MIC ME
GON SPIT IT ♪
♪ ME MAKE YA SWEAT
GWAN CALL ME
JERK CHICKEN BRA ♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Temperature.
All right for you back there?
Yeah.
Sir, what was that?
I don't know,
okay.
But you, like, started aggressively
singing a Jamaican dancehall song, like, really loud.
I don't know what that was.
I'm sorry. I just, like, came out of me.
Wait, so you, like, made that up on the spot?
I guess I have as much information as you do.
Can we just forget it?
No offense, but like how?
I don't know, just,
go back to what you were talking about before.
You were both like,
promise you let me do heroin tonight or whatever.
That that is. Fine. Go back to that.
I don't think we can. It feels like things have changed.
You don't have to, though.
You just go back, be like, I don't let me do crack off.
Some guys might like that. That's not what we're saying.
Why are you so mad?
Why do you think I just realized
I'm one of the most talented Rasta emcees on earth?
I don't want that for my life.
I don't want to be a white Rasta guy.
I don't think you have to be sorry, though I'm afraid I do.
You heard the song. You heard what I'm capable of.
Oh, God damn it.
Oh, I really don't want to be a white Rasta guy.
Okay, well, if it makes you feel any better.
I didn't think the song was that good.
You're sweet to say that, but I know it was.
No, seriously, this kind of trash.
I wish they were true, sweetheart, I really do.
It was next level,
and I can't escape my destiny.
Oh, my God, are you going to sing again?
I have to.
[ LAUGHTER ]
♪ BUM-DI-DUM-DIDDY
DIDDY-DIDDY-DUM
SHAKE YA TING LIKE A WOOD
ROLLER COASTER ♪
♪ PUT IT ON ME
LIKE YA KNOW
YOU A'POSSED ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
You never know when a Break-In will happen.
For those moments
you want a home security system you can trust.
Safeguard, help to somebody in the house.
Okay. Stay calm. Ma'am, we're sending someone right away.
Because any security system can catch a crime on camera.
But will enough people see that footage
to identify the suspect?
That's why
safeguard is the first home security system
designed to produce crime scene footage guaranteed to go viral.
So we're out here asking, guys, what's your body count?
Oh my God.
I don't know if I should say, let's see,
when your alarm goes off, we send a TikToker
to ask the intruder questions like gay son or daughter.
Oh. Oh, damn. I don't want a thought.
Daughter. Gay son, though. That's tough.
Jason, today,
when our house got broken into, a safeguard, immediately
sent someone to ask the burglar
if he'd ever gotten that sloppy. Toppy.
The video got, like, 100 million views.
He was identified immediately,
and now he's got his own show on the Barstool network.
I couldn't believe how fast the TikToker got there.
I was like, aren't they busy?
But here's what I didn't realize. No
safeguard gives you your choice of security plans
like sidewalk takes. So what's your take?
If you go on a date with a heavy woman,
you shouldn't have to pay. 100% disagree.
If she's eating, I'm treating chicken shop date. Right.
What is this?
You're in love with me, and you're trying to steal my heart.
Whatever. And, of course, Cam Patterson. Crowd work.
All right? Okay, okay.
Look, I don't know who he asked on the first day.
Come on, man, I know you do. Yeah.
You been there like num num num num num.
More ass. Please, ma'am, I do. We do with that.
You know, you go to jail, right? Thanks, safeguard.
Except now people are breaking
into my house because they want to go viral.
Cory Booker has been here every single night.
Because when you hear that window
break in the middle of the night,
you want someone you can trust, someone who will show up.
Someone who will ask, what's the craziest place
you've ever gotten your backbone out?
Oh, come on, man, my girl watching this. Come on. And,
Target.
♪♪
Wow. Huge thank you to Aziz Ansari.
Debbie Harry and Connor storie
This.
Is the best cast and crew and writers in the business.
And I couldn't be more grateful.
This is a true honor and a real dream come true.
Thank you so much to Lorne.
I will never forget this night.
Thank you guys so much. Good night.