1 00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:07,174 All right. Are you listening? 2 00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:10,310 Okay, so I think I'll start with. 3 00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:13,280 Open the effing straight, you crazy bastards, 4 00:00:13,280 --> 00:00:15,449 or you'll be living in hell. 5 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:20,554 And then at the end, maybe throw in. Praise be to Allah. 6 00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,991 You think I should type? Praise be to Allah. And that's from. 7 00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:24,658 That's from you. 8 00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:27,361 The president of the United States. Yes. Yes. Allah. 9 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,162 They say Allah. 10 00:00:29,162 --> 00:00:32,032 It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion. 11 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,066 They famously have 12 00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:36,336 a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff. 13 00:00:36,336 --> 00:00:37,838 As your press secretary, 14 00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:40,574 this puts me in a tough position, sir. 15 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,409 Oh, don't worry about that, Caroline. 16 00:00:42,409 --> 00:00:44,711 Like I said, to Pam Bondi and Kristi 17 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:49,349 Noem right before I fired them. You're doing a terrific job. 18 00:00:49,349 --> 00:00:51,952 Thank you, sir. I love you, too. 19 00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,556 All three of those were played by Ashley. 20 00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,325 It's an interesting detail. 21 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,227 Now, there are a lot of important 22 00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:01,929 things happening in the world right 23 00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:07,901 now, and I have to make some urgent phone calls. 24 00:01:11,204 --> 00:01:12,606 Hello, Tiger. 25 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,341 It's Donald. 26 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,442 What's going on, buddy? 27 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:19,212 Are you playing in the Masters this weekend? No, sir. 28 00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,280 I don't know if you remember, 29 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,849 but I, flipped my car and got a DUI. 30 00:01:22,849 --> 00:01:23,884 Oh, right. 31 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,719 A Dewey, 32 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:30,257 as in Dewey. Drive on pills? Yes, he do. 33 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,959 That's a good one, Mr. President. 34 00:01:31,959 --> 00:01:33,694 You should have told the cops we were friends. 35 00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:38,365 Who wouldn't let you off. Well, I did, and they didn't. 36 00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,101 If only there was something I could have done to help. 37 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,304 Oh, well, what a place of golf. 38 00:01:44,304 --> 00:01:47,574 I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment. 39 00:01:47,574 --> 00:01:49,476 Oh, and how's the course there? 40 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:51,945 Oh, well, actually, there's no golf. You see, I don't know why. 41 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,114 Okay. 42 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:59,152 Who else? Oh, wait. Who is this? I don't recognize the number. 43 00:01:59,152 --> 00:02:04,291 Hello. Hello, Donald. Melania You█re calling me? 44 00:02:04,291 --> 00:02:05,759 That's not a good sign. 45 00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:10,130 Hey, listen, I decided I should do a big random speech 46 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:15,202 completely out of nowhere and say I am not Epstein victim. 47 00:02:15,202 --> 00:02:16,670 Is that good? 48 00:02:16,670 --> 00:02:19,606 Darling, I gotta admit, that sounds a little insane. 49 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,409 Who are you? Me? 50 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:26,380 Well, it's not just Epstein. I thought I could also say I. 51 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,681 Melania Trump 52 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:32,319 in no way helped out the Gilgo beach serial killer. 53 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,222 That way, no one is suspicious. 54 00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:36,723 Darling, I think that's going to make 55 00:02:36,723 --> 00:02:40,660 everyone way more suspicious. Okay, okay. 56 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:44,664 What if I announce I barely parted with Diddy 57 00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,066 Would that help? 58 00:02:46,066 --> 00:02:48,535 You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more, 59 00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:52,339 but I have a meeting with, Ronald Reagan. 60 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,474 Let's see. 61 00:02:54,775 --> 00:02:57,177 Anything else I forgetting? There's got to be something. 62 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:57,744 All right. 63 00:02:57,744 --> 00:03:00,514 The war. 64 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,692 What? 65 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:13,226 Pete 66 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:17,731 President Trump was, I was, 67 00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,032 in that in the 90s. 68 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:19,666 Sorry, Mr. 69 00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:20,834 President, I didn't know it was you. 70 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:22,736 I just said unknown caller. 71 00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:26,440 So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets. 72 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,841 That's wonderful. That's great. 73 00:03:27,841 --> 00:03:31,645 So what's the latest on that whole thing we're doing in Iran? 74 00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:32,646 Rest assured, sir, 75 00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:38,151 Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night. Allegedly. 76 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:39,352 We've destroyed everything. 77 00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:42,489 We wet their willies, tap their sax, and purple. 78 00:03:42,489 --> 00:03:44,891 Every single nurple. 79 00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:47,360 You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again, 80 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:50,664 which is a great sign for the cease fire. 81 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,233 Yeah, except this time we're fighting millennial cringe 82 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,169 by letting 40 year olds join the military. 83 00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:59,873 Yeah, put that finger mustache to work. Pulling a trigger. 84 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,409 Really good. Really good. 85 00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:03,043 That's great. 86 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,747 That one for sure hits with me. 87 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,249 But, sir, you know, I got to ask, is it true what I heard? 88 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,918 Are you actually negotiating with these herbs? 89 00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:14,888 You know what? Don't worry about the negotiations. 90 00:04:14,888 --> 00:04:17,891 I just heard they're going really, really bad. 91 00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,860 I sent in my secret weapon, J.D. 92 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:24,030 Vance, after those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D., 93 00:04:24,030 --> 00:04:28,668 they said, please, sir, just go back to bombing us. 94 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:30,103 Yeah. Very good. Sir. 95 00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:31,204 Even hearing about someone 96 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,107 getting bombed just got me hard as hell. 97 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,610 That's great. That's great. I'm bricked as well. 98 00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,479 All right, well, keep up the good work, Pete. 99 00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:41,248 And, hey, if you think of a good reason 100 00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:44,217 why we went to war, could you let me know? 101 00:04:44,217 --> 00:04:46,920 Well, honestly, sir, if I were you, I'd probably 102 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,891 just tell them we did it all for the nookie. Why the nookie? 103 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:51,525 Come on. 104 00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:54,161 But we can take their oil and stick it in our car. 105 00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,695 Stick it in our cars. 106 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:58,832 If you. In our cars, $7 a gallon. Hegseth out 107 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:01,501 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, THIS IS 108 00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:03,637 SATURDAY NIGHT! 109 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:08,108 ♪♪ 110 00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:09,309 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 111 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,145 NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 112 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:06,259 MUSICAL GUEST ANITTA. 113 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:12,565 AND YOUR HOST, COLMAN DOMINGO! 114 00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:17,570 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLMAN 115 00:07:17,570 --> 00:07:19,539 DOMINGO! 116 00:07:19,539 --> 00:07:22,575 ♪♪ 117 00:07:36,923 --> 00:07:39,459 Whew! 118 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,696 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. 119 00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:46,499 I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. 120 00:07:46,499 --> 00:07:50,170 Now, I have been an actor since the 90s. 121 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,138 So you may be sitting here thinking, 122 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:53,873 what do I know him from? 123 00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:55,308 And it's probably because I've been 124 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,510 in a lot of different things, you know, Fear the Walking 125 00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:01,214 Dead, Four Seasons, Lincoln, Sing Sing 126 00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:04,351 I was Carly and iCarly. 127 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:08,488 I was inside C-3po, shooting star Wars, 128 00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:11,358 and I am also your uncle. 129 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:16,162 See, here's me at your cousin's wedding in 1994. 130 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,732 The point is, I'm practically in everything. 131 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:26,172 Like raisins at a Caucasian cookout. 132 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:29,075 And I love how I can always guess what people know me from. 133 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,810 You know, if you're a Latin, bro. 134 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,880 I'm like, oh, fear the walking dead. 135 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,916 But if it's a girl under 20 or, 136 00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:43,056 creepy dude over 30, that's euphoria. 137 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:47,093 So sure, I'm an actor, but what I'm most known for is 138 00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:53,099 when you come to my house, the vibes are spectacular. 139 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,470 And tonight, 140 00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:59,606 I'm going to make you feel like you're at my house. 141 00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:03,109 So let's get a vibe going. 142 00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,478 Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. 143 00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:09,849 Music has a vibe. And that just happened. 144 00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:10,650 How about the lights? 145 00:09:10,650 --> 00:09:11,751 Let's get some lighting. 146 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:17,357 That's extremely flattering for people of color. 147 00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:20,560 Oh. Much better. 148 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:26,633 Leon and I look great, right, Leon? 149 00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,068 Now for the camera. 150 00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:31,704 Can I get a sexy, slow push on this thing? 151 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:35,675 Also, I'm 56, so boom the hell up. 152 00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:40,180 There it is. Oh. 153 00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,583 Look how adorable I am now. 154 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,418 My word. 155 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:49,989 And this works for everybody. Jeremy, get out of here. 156 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:53,393 Right. 157 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:54,461 Now, Jeremy. 158 00:09:54,461 --> 00:10:00,033 Look into that camera. 159 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,601 He looks fine. 160 00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:06,439 No offense, but boom up. 161 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:11,544 Oh, yeah. Hey, 162 00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:14,147 it almost work. 163 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,650 Wow. The vibe is getting really good. Really good. 164 00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:23,523 But is it sexy enough? Now, what is? 165 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:29,796 So let's see how the vibe is working for our guests. Ooh! 166 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:32,565 Hey, ma'am. 167 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,667 What brings you here tonight? 168 00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,403 I got tickets from someone who works here. 169 00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:40,406 Oh. Inside connection. 170 00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,543 That's hot. 171 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,913 I like the vibe. Was it someone in the cast? 172 00:10:46,913 --> 00:10:49,816 No, it was a writer. 173 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,519 Don't tell people that. 174 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:57,390 Wow. The vibe is down here, on point, but looks like 175 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:03,730 I made them too good, cause those people are making out. 176 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:07,066 Ooh, they're straight. 177 00:11:07,066 --> 00:11:11,504 You don't see that every day. 178 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:14,507 Well, everybody, I think we kind of did it. 179 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:19,012 I think we nailed the vibe. So let's wrap this up, baby. 180 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:19,812 At my house, 181 00:11:19,812 --> 00:11:21,948 I always end the party the same way 182 00:11:21,948 --> 00:11:23,950 by telling everybody to get the hell out 183 00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:27,587 so I can take a fiber pill and go to bed. 184 00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:30,623 But not tonight, babies, cause we got a show to do. 185 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,091 So boom! Up. 186 00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:34,327 We got a great show for you tonight. 187 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,997 Anitta is here. So stick around and we'll be right back. 188 00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,482 Good evening. 189 00:11:56,783 --> 00:11:59,352 I'm Wesley Welch and you're watching New York one coming up. 190 00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:00,620 It's almost summer. 191 00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:02,722 We've got five spots where you can experience 192 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:07,293 that famous NYC hot urine smell for yourself. 193 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:08,795 But first, our top story. 194 00:12:08,795 --> 00:12:12,265 A bank robbery occurred in the fashion district earlier today. 195 00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:15,401 Our own Amy Asher is live on the scene. Amy. 196 00:12:15,401 --> 00:12:16,469 Thank you. Wes. 197 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,938 It was around noon that the sounds of gunfire 198 00:12:18,938 --> 00:12:22,208 erupted outside of a bank here on 26th Street. 199 00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,711 Miraculously, nobody was injured. 200 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:26,879 But bystanders were shaken, 201 00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:29,048 including this group of students and faculty 202 00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:31,951 from the Fashion Institute of Design next door. 203 00:12:31,951 --> 00:12:34,988 Let's speak to them and their teacher, 204 00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:37,690 D'Artagnan Moran. 205 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,660 I don't teach, I show. 206 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,529 I am the lesson. 207 00:12:43,529 --> 00:12:47,233 Got it? Now, can you describe the suspect? 208 00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,869 I would say 30, 32. 209 00:12:49,869 --> 00:12:52,839 Maybe so. Fairly young. No, not in age, honey. 210 00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:56,676 Waist and inseam. What else could I have been referring to? 211 00:12:56,676 --> 00:13:01,014 I apologize. Could you describe his clothing? 212 00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:03,216 Yes. Boho. 213 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:07,920 Derogatory. Could you be more specific? 214 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,759 Why? He sure as hell wasn't. Oh, speak on it. 215 00:13:12,759 --> 00:13:13,393 Listen, listen. 216 00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,661 I mean, at night, 217 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:17,797 the look was all over the place and baggy to a fault. 218 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,566 My man was swimming in that fit. 219 00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:21,501 Swimming. 220 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:26,372 Try drowning. 221 00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,907 Who was that? 222 00:13:27,907 --> 00:13:29,075 Oh that's Holly point. 223 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:32,078 The dean who was going to have that. 224 00:13:32,078 --> 00:13:32,645 Okay. 225 00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:35,148 So I really want to give our viewers as clear 226 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:39,218 a description of the suspect as possible. 227 00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:44,257 Be on the lookout for a Mess 228 00:13:44,257 --> 00:13:46,726 Again I'm not really understanding. 229 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,562 Excuse you. I was not done speaking. 230 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:54,067 Class, help this woman. Describe the man's drip. Delaney. 231 00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:54,334 This. 232 00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,636 It must have been in the unemployment line 233 00:13:56,636 --> 00:14:01,007 because it was not working. 234 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,042 Good. Rothko. 235 00:14:03,042 --> 00:14:08,514 The fit was giving style by Stevie. Stevie Wonder. 236 00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:11,451 Yes, yes, yes. 237 00:14:11,451 --> 00:14:13,753 Gabby. 238 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,421 He had, like, a hoodie. 239 00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:21,127 And like Gabby, you are not cut out for this. 240 00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:26,766 Go to a normal college. 241 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:30,103 Look, the clothes were disaster, but the accessories. 242 00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,138 Eight down. 243 00:14:32,138 --> 00:14:34,273 The accessories. His gun. Woman. 244 00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:36,442 What else could I have been talking about? 245 00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,644 Oh, you're getting smoke in my face. 246 00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:45,084 You're getting your face in my smoke. 247 00:14:45,084 --> 00:14:46,386 Anti way. 248 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:50,390 The gun was a tasteful matte black color 249 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:54,994 that he paired with a brown belt in spring. 250 00:14:54,994 --> 00:15:02,368 Oh no baby on alive yourself 251 00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:04,036 Okay, a brown belt. 252 00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:05,171 That's a good detail. 253 00:15:05,171 --> 00:15:06,038 Any more specifics 254 00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:08,374 on the color of his clothing? The colors 255 00:15:08,374 --> 00:15:13,412 flirted with boldness, but couldn't get her in bed. 256 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:17,416 Yes. Delaney. Roscoe, the colors were a statement. 257 00:15:17,416 --> 00:15:22,255 And that statement was mama raised a dumb ass. 258 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,823 Yes. Roscoe. 259 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,525 Gabby. 260 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,127 His jeans were like dark blue. 261 00:15:28,127 --> 00:15:30,730 Gabby dropped out. 262 00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:34,434 I beg you, go back to Connecticut. 263 00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:35,968 But I like fashion. 264 00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:39,605 You have no future in this industry. None. Zilch. 265 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,741 Oh, I like fashion. 266 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:45,578 Well, I like pornography, but I do it as a hobby, not a career. 267 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,547 Okay, okay. 268 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:52,018 Can you please just describe this suspect in a normal way? 269 00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:57,323 No, but I snapped a photo of the crime being committed. 270 00:15:57,323 --> 00:16:00,126 Oh please show that. Oh. 271 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:05,798 Oh there the crime of the century. 272 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,266 If you're going to be thoughtless 273 00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:10,636 and cross invest in some lotion. 274 00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:14,006 His heels were drier than saltines. 275 00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:16,108 In fact when the police asked which way he went 276 00:16:16,108 --> 00:16:17,944 I said follow that trail of parmesan okay. 277 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:21,848 All right, all right. Enough. Let's just forget the clothes. 278 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:24,617 Believe me, I'm trying. 279 00:16:24,617 --> 00:16:26,252 Authorities have urged the public 280 00:16:26,252 --> 00:16:29,188 to remain vigilant as a suspect is still at large. 281 00:16:29,188 --> 00:16:33,860 Try extra stop. Stop crossing my frame. 282 00:16:33,860 --> 00:16:35,194 Jesus Christ. 283 00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,629 If you have any information 284 00:16:36,629 --> 00:16:38,998 on the suspect, please contact police. 285 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,033 And I hope the police do to him 286 00:16:41,033 --> 00:16:43,769 what he should have done to those raggedy ass jeans. 287 00:16:43,769 --> 00:16:45,805 Cuff them. 288 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:49,108 More as the story develops. West. 289 00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:52,278 Thanks, Amy. I learned a lot from the story. 290 00:16:52,278 --> 00:16:53,779 You know, hoping that maybe now 291 00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:57,116 that I stepped up my drip, you might reconsider my offer. 292 00:16:57,116 --> 00:16:58,985 Your offer to be friends. 293 00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:01,220 But hook up when your wife's out of town. 294 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,956 Yeah, my answer is still no. 295 00:17:03,956 --> 00:17:04,790 Reconsider, honey, 296 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,792 you could do worse, but you won't do better okay. 297 00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:08,394 What is your problem with me? 298 00:17:08,394 --> 00:17:10,963 Everything is your everything. Your hair, the face, the. 299 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,371 >>> AFTER I GOT DIVORCED, I HIT 300 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,372 ROCK BOTTOM. 301 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,473 >> I WAS DEPRESSED. 302 00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,574 >> I LOST MY CONFIDENCE. 303 00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:23,142 >> I WASN'T MYSELF. 304 00:17:23,142 --> 00:17:24,243 >> AS A MAN, THERAPY NEVER 305 00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:26,879 SEEMED LIKE A REAL OPTION. 306 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:27,947 >> PLUS THERE'S NO WAY TO AFFORD 307 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,616 THAT NOW. 308 00:17:30,616 --> 00:17:31,350 >> THEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT UNIQUE 309 00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:34,654 CUTS. 310 00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:37,423 >> BLACK BARBER SHOPS IS A 311 00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:41,060 RADICALLY NEW ALTERNATIVE TO 312 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:41,761 MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT FOR 313 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:42,495 WHITE GUYS WITHOUT THE STIGMA. 314 00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,431 >> AT FIRST I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT 315 00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:46,065 TO MAKE OF IT, BUT THEY 316 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,834 WELCOMED ME IN. 317 00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:51,437 >> SIT YOUR GOOFY ASS DOWN. 318 00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:51,938 >> YOU BET. 319 00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:52,905 >> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU 320 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:53,940 WERE BEFORE YOU WALKED IN, THEY 321 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:56,075 ALLOW YOU TO HAVE A FRESH START. 322 00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:56,809 >> HE LOOK LIKE THAT BOY, WHAT'S 323 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,210 HIS NAME? 324 00:17:58,210 --> 00:18:01,514 >> DAHMER. 325 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:01,948 THAT'S RIGHT. 326 00:18:02,148 --> 00:18:02,615 >> WE'RE GOING TO CALL YOU 327 00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:03,649 JEFFREY DAHMER. 328 00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,751 >> I DON'T KNOW. 329 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:06,852 >> GET YOUR JEFFREY DAHMER 330 00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:10,723 LOOKING ASS UP. 331 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:11,991 >> LOOK AT ALL THIS BABY HAIR. 332 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:14,727 >> I'VE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME 333 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:15,161 OPENING UP AND 334 00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,196 TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, BUT 335 00:18:17,196 --> 00:18:18,764 THEY MADE IT EASY, LIKE THEY 336 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:24,103 WERE READING MY MIND. 337 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,072 >> LITTLE EPSTEIN HERE. 338 00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:29,575 >> MY NAME IS DAVID. 339 00:18:29,575 --> 00:18:30,443 >> LITTLE EPSTEIN, 340 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:31,177 YOU WANT YOUR WIFE BACK, HIT IT 341 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:31,510 BETTER. 342 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:32,311 COUPLE OF COCONUT WATERS AND 343 00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:32,845 WEAR THAT ASS OUT. 344 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:33,913 YOU GOTTA GET THAT LEG UP. 345 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:36,048 CLAP CLAP CLAP. 346 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,150 >> LIKE THAT. 347 00:18:38,150 --> 00:18:39,318 >> WE WERE HAVING INTIMACY 348 00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:40,286 ISSUES IN THE BEDROOM AND IT WAS 349 00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:41,387 HARD FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE MY 350 00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,455 NEEDS TO TARA. 351 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,522 THEN MY BARBER SAID -- 352 00:18:43,522 --> 00:18:47,660 >> CHEAT. 353 00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:48,127 >> WHAT? 354 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:48,561 CAN'T DO THAT. 355 00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:49,228 >> YOU GAY OR SOME? 356 00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,330 >> NO. 357 00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,499 >> OUR SEX LIFE IS THRIVING. 358 00:18:53,499 --> 00:18:54,567 HE'S EVEN LIFTING HIS LEG UP 359 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,269 LIKE CLAP CLAP CLAP. 360 00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,804 >> TRADITIONAL THERAPY COSTS 361 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,107 HUNDREDS AN HOUR. 362 00:19:01,107 --> 00:19:05,277 BUT THE HOMIES AT UNIQUE ONLY 363 00:19:05,277 --> 00:19:06,345 COST 50 BUCKS. 364 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:09,215 I CAN STAY THERE ALL DAY, EVEN 365 00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:10,483 DO SOME SHOPPING. 366 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:12,885 >> 100% SEA MOSS, MY GIRL MAKES 367 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:13,953 IT RIGHT OUT OF THE OCEAN. 368 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:17,423 CAN CURE COVID AND ECZEMA. 369 00:19:17,423 --> 00:19:19,992 >> IT FORCES YOU TO COME OUT OF 370 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:20,526 YOUR COMFORT ZONE. 371 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:21,594 >> IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION. 372 00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:22,328 >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME 373 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:22,695 TO SAY. 374 00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:23,729 >> ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION, WHO 375 00:19:23,729 --> 00:19:24,430 WOULD YOU RATHER CLAP, PAM OR 376 00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:25,364 GINA. 377 00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:26,432 >> I TOLD YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHO 378 00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:29,668 THOSE LADIES ARE. 379 00:19:29,668 --> 00:19:32,938 >> COME ON, MAN. 380 00:19:32,938 --> 00:19:37,143 >> NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS CAN 381 00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,412 SEEM, MY DOGS CAN ALWAYS PUT 382 00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:39,745 THINGS 383 00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:40,479 BACK IN PERSPECTIVE FOR ME. 384 00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:41,213 >> MY TWO LITTLES ARE STARTING 385 00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:41,914 PRIVATE SCHOOL, I HAVE TO PAY 386 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:42,281 FOR THAT. 387 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:43,149 AND SHEILA WANTS A NEW KITCHEN. 388 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,250 I'M IN A REAL PICKLE. 389 00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:45,284 OH, MY GOD. 390 00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:46,419 >> LIL TERRY GOT SHOT AGAIN. 391 00:19:46,419 --> 00:19:49,889 >> NO LEGS TERRY? 392 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:50,556 >> THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL. 393 00:19:50,556 --> 00:19:53,092 >> HE CAME HOME A WEEK AGO. 394 00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:54,627 SOMEBODY SAID HE CAUGHT HIS WIFE 395 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,096 IN BED WITH A PASTOR OR 396 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:57,997 SOMETHING. 397 00:19:57,997 --> 00:19:59,498 ANYWAY, YOU WERE TELLING ME 398 00:19:59,498 --> 00:20:00,132 ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PICKLE. 399 00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:01,000 >> I'D SAY IT'S NOTHING, 400 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:01,500 ACTUALLY. 401 00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:02,535 >> MAN, WE JUST WANTED A SPOT 402 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:03,636 FOR BROTHERS TO KICK BACK, TALK 403 00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:04,336 A LITTLE MESS, GET A DRINK ON. 404 00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:05,237 PLUS WHEN YOU LOOK GOOD, YOU 405 00:20:05,237 --> 00:20:05,971 FEEL GOOD, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL 406 00:20:05,971 --> 00:20:06,806 ABOUT. 407 00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:11,077 A MAN WANT TO FEEL GOOD. 408 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:13,946 >> ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT. 409 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,449 >> SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND. 410 00:20:16,449 --> 00:20:17,516 >> BY THE WAY, FELLOWS, I'D 411 00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:19,118 SMASH PAM ALL DAY. 412 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:22,321 >> YEAH! 413 00:20:22,321 --> 00:20:24,890 >> CLAP CLAP. 414 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,592 >> BLACK BARBER SHOPS, GET YOUR 415 00:20:26,592 --> 00:20:28,794 MENTAL HEALTH LINED UP. 416 00:20:50,316 --> 00:20:53,119 Hi there. 417 00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:56,622 This is Artemis two pilot Victor Glover. 418 00:20:56,622 --> 00:21:00,726 We're on day nine of ten and we're almost home. 419 00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:05,264 Speaking of home, if you look out our window here, 420 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,568 you'll see a familiar sight. Earth. 421 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:14,373 Seeing a pretty planet like this is pretty profound. 422 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:15,908 Being a man of faith, 423 00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:20,446 this is certainly brought me closer to God. 424 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:25,017 Oh, come on, guys, you got to Velcro your snacks to the wall. 425 00:21:25,017 --> 00:21:26,519 Those Pringles are those. 426 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:31,056 Oh, those are mine. No, no, those are my Pringles. 427 00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:33,425 No, no, no. Finders keepers, you loser. 428 00:21:33,425 --> 00:21:35,761 No! Give them to me now! No, dude. Okay, fine. 429 00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:38,998 Here, you can have them. Just kidding. No, dude. 430 00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:42,067 Hey, hey, I'm recording a thoughtful video. 431 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:44,336 Can you guys stop messing around, please? 432 00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:46,205 I'm sorry, Victor, it's just it's day 433 00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:50,209 nine and we're just kind of bored. Okay, bye. 434 00:21:50,209 --> 00:21:54,280 Canada slaps. 435 00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:58,250 Us. Hey, there's a quote from legendary 436 00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:06,926 Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell that I'd like to read. Oh. 437 00:22:06,926 --> 00:22:11,864 We do not realize what we have on Earth until we leave it. 438 00:22:11,864 --> 00:22:17,937 Let me tell you, those words have very different right now. 439 00:22:17,937 --> 00:22:19,038 Hey, guys. 440 00:22:19,038 --> 00:22:22,007 Christina fell asleep unvelcroed again. 441 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:30,549 Someone stick her ass to the wall, please. 442 00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:33,118 Seeing Earth out the window, 443 00:22:33,118 --> 00:22:37,089 this beautiful blue ball and a sea of darkness 444 00:22:37,089 --> 00:22:39,425 really gives one pause. 445 00:22:39,425 --> 00:22:43,329 I'm so sorry, Victor. We have to get this on camera. 446 00:22:43,329 --> 00:22:48,167 Ladies and gentlemen, this is no Hans hat. 447 00:22:48,167 --> 00:22:51,036 You're not going to believe this, Victor. 448 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:54,506 Oh, no hands have no hands. 449 00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:59,044 Oh oh. Oh, no! 450 00:22:59,044 --> 00:23:00,613 Does that. 451 00:23:00,613 --> 00:23:04,617 Victor, are you proud of us? 452 00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:07,486 Reed Hansen, what are you doing? 453 00:23:07,486 --> 00:23:10,589 We're doing experiments. Victor. Okay. 454 00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:13,626 Was breaking the toilet an experiment too? 455 00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,527 I'm sorry about the toilet, Victor. 456 00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:18,530 The toilet doesn't make any sense. Okay. Go away. 457 00:23:18,530 --> 00:23:19,531 Let me lock in. 458 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,066 Okay. Sorry, but before we go, check this out. 459 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,935 Victor, check this out. Watch this, watch this. 460 00:23:22,935 --> 00:23:27,706 Oh! 461 00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:30,876 Victor, don't look at it. Oh! 462 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,748 I'd like to read another quote 463 00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:41,954 from another great astronaut, Sally ride. 464 00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:45,758 Looking back at Earth from orbit makes you realize 465 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:49,428 how fragile our existence truly is. 466 00:23:49,428 --> 00:23:53,165 Oh, my God, are you guys serious? 467 00:23:53,165 --> 00:23:57,136 You fools drew on poor Christina's face. 468 00:23:57,136 --> 00:23:59,038 Two grown men turning our mission 469 00:23:59,038 --> 00:24:01,340 specialists into Harry Potter. 470 00:24:01,340 --> 00:24:06,378 Shame on you. 471 00:24:06,378 --> 00:24:08,781 Sorry about that, folks. 472 00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:10,649 When you see Earth like this, 473 00:24:10,649 --> 00:24:14,186 it makes you realize how lucky we are to live here. 474 00:24:14,186 --> 00:24:18,857 So I just sneezed, and this happened. 475 00:24:18,857 --> 00:24:22,795 I mean, this is fully happening right now. 476 00:24:22,795 --> 00:24:24,697 Okay, that's kind of amazing. 477 00:24:24,697 --> 00:24:27,766 Yeah. All right, make sure you get a picture of that. 478 00:24:27,766 --> 00:24:30,135 Oh, I will, I will. 479 00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:34,206 Hey, Victor might be stuck in the tomb again. 480 00:24:34,206 --> 00:24:37,710 I don't know what to do. This guy keep sucking it again. 481 00:24:37,710 --> 00:24:38,777 You gotta get it off you. 482 00:24:38,777 --> 00:24:40,946 Victor, please, I don't know, figure it out. 483 00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:43,349 I'm doing my video. What have you figured out? 484 00:24:43,349 --> 00:24:46,185 My baby. Please, Victor. 485 00:24:46,185 --> 00:24:48,253 All right, I'm going to make this quick 486 00:24:48,253 --> 00:24:50,823 because folks are going space crazy. 487 00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:54,693 My one hope for everyone on earth is this. 488 00:24:54,693 --> 00:24:59,732 I'm pulling him by, 489 00:24:59,732 --> 00:25:01,467 Up and screw it. 490 00:25:01,467 --> 00:25:07,006 Video over. Everyone be kind to each other. The end. 491 00:25:31,163 --> 00:25:32,598 Hello there. 492 00:25:32,598 --> 00:25:34,767 I'm Henry debris. 493 00:25:34,767 --> 00:25:37,569 What if I told you there are more trees on Earth 494 00:25:37,569 --> 00:25:39,905 than stars in the Milky Way? 495 00:25:39,905 --> 00:25:42,875 What if I told you that a magnitude 12 earthquake 496 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,277 would split the world in two? 497 00:25:45,277 --> 00:25:53,952 Oh, what if I told you this table is a man? 498 00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:55,954 How cool is that? 499 00:25:55,954 --> 00:25:58,090 I love stuff like that. 500 00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:01,527 Thank you to our props department for indulging me. 501 00:26:01,527 --> 00:26:05,898 It just goes to show not everything is as it seems. 502 00:26:05,898 --> 00:26:09,501 Admire this simple piece of coral. 503 00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:12,805 Now, what if I told you it's a seahorse? 504 00:26:12,805 --> 00:26:15,340 Surprised? 505 00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:19,711 What if I told you a cloud can weigh over 1 million pounds? 506 00:26:19,711 --> 00:26:26,518 What if I told you this clock is a man? 507 00:26:26,518 --> 00:26:29,621 Clock? 508 00:26:29,621 --> 00:26:38,530 I mean, this clock. 509 00:26:38,530 --> 00:26:41,433 God gets me every time. 510 00:26:41,433 --> 00:26:45,037 I think it's awesome. It's just awesome. Never gets old. 511 00:26:45,037 --> 00:26:46,405 Speaking of old, 512 00:26:46,405 --> 00:26:50,108 did you know our pupils get smaller as we age? 513 00:26:50,108 --> 00:26:52,277 So do our sweat glands. 514 00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:54,546 What if I told you that the atoms inside 515 00:26:54,546 --> 00:26:56,748 you are a billion years old? 516 00:26:56,748 --> 00:27:03,589 What if I told you these books are a man? 517 00:27:03,589 --> 00:27:05,224 What if I told you 518 00:27:05,224 --> 00:27:11,830 the fire is my niece? 519 00:27:11,830 --> 00:27:14,166 And that this simple vase 520 00:27:14,166 --> 00:27:23,675 is none other than City Councilman Keith Hawkins. 521 00:27:23,675 --> 00:27:25,444 Wait a minute. 522 00:27:25,444 --> 00:27:28,914 Hello? Hello. 523 00:27:28,914 --> 00:27:31,350 Oh my God. Where's Keith? 524 00:27:31,350 --> 00:27:34,887 This is just the vase. Now, I look like an idiot. 525 00:27:34,887 --> 00:27:38,390 Now it look like, I don't know, Keith Hawkins. Samuel. 526 00:27:38,390 --> 00:27:39,825 I'm sorry, Mr. Debris. 527 00:27:39,825 --> 00:27:42,394 The councilman was called away on city business. 528 00:27:42,394 --> 00:27:43,762 Oh! Damn it. 529 00:27:43,762 --> 00:27:46,532 Well, you should have told me. Damn it! 530 00:27:46,532 --> 00:27:51,303 I'm so mad I can hit you over the head with this potted plant. 531 00:27:51,303 --> 00:27:55,274 Oh, that's a man. 532 00:27:55,274 --> 00:27:57,009 What? I want it to be an object. 533 00:27:57,009 --> 00:27:59,912 It's a man, and vice versa. 534 00:27:59,912 --> 00:28:02,047 Well. That's rich. 535 00:28:02,047 --> 00:28:05,284 That's really, really rich. 536 00:28:05,284 --> 00:28:11,256 Okay, everyone out. Oh! 537 00:28:24,236 --> 00:28:28,507 What if I told you I really wanted this to go well? 538 00:28:28,507 --> 00:28:32,077 What if I told you someone special is watching 539 00:28:32,077 --> 00:28:34,012 a girl and I knew in college. 540 00:28:34,012 --> 00:28:37,349 What if I told you she was hot? 541 00:28:37,349 --> 00:28:38,750 Lily. 542 00:28:38,750 --> 00:28:42,788 Oh, we were, 543 00:28:42,788 --> 00:28:45,924 Mr. debris, Mr. Brown. I'm so sorry I'm late. 544 00:28:45,924 --> 00:28:47,226 I was at the zoo. 545 00:28:47,226 --> 00:28:49,228 One of the polar bears ate a kid. 546 00:28:49,228 --> 00:28:51,129 I should specify a baby goat. 547 00:28:51,129 --> 00:28:53,966 It was his food. He was supposed to. 548 00:28:53,966 --> 00:28:56,902 It doesn't matter, Councilman. I'm ending the show. 549 00:28:56,902 --> 00:28:58,203 I blew the whole budget 550 00:28:58,203 --> 00:29:03,909 trying to impress some chick from 40 years ago. I'm pathetic 551 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:06,211 What if I told you 552 00:29:06,211 --> 00:29:08,780 you're not? 553 00:29:08,780 --> 00:29:09,715 What? 554 00:29:09,715 --> 00:29:12,684 What if I told you you're a great man 555 00:29:12,684 --> 00:29:16,521 who gets a kick out of good old fashioned American surprise, 556 00:29:16,521 --> 00:29:20,492 No one could love a man like that. 557 00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:22,694 What if I told you I could? 558 00:29:22,694 --> 00:29:24,563 I'm no Lily, but I'm here 559 00:29:24,563 --> 00:29:26,865 dressed up like a vase with flowers on my head. 560 00:29:26,865 --> 00:29:28,300 Because two weeks ago, 561 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:32,404 I had a sexual dream about us that blew up my marriage. 562 00:29:32,404 --> 00:29:35,807 I'm not perfect, and I don't know if I'm gay, 563 00:29:35,807 --> 00:29:40,178 but I'd like to get married and find out. 564 00:29:40,178 --> 00:29:44,950 What if I told you? Yes. 565 00:29:44,950 --> 00:29:48,186 And what if I told you that painting 566 00:29:48,186 --> 00:29:54,726 is an ordained minister? 567 00:29:54,726 --> 00:29:56,395 Good evening. 568 00:29:56,395 --> 00:29:59,965 I now pronounce you husband and vase. 569 00:30:25,891 --> 00:30:27,392 Ladies and gentlemen. 570 00:30:27,392 --> 00:30:30,529 Anita. 571 00:30:30,529 --> 00:30:32,631 ♪♪ 572 00:30:32,631 --> 00:30:33,999 Acelerada. 573 00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:36,134 Así, con voz alta. 574 00:30:36,134 --> 00:30:39,671 Lo que puedan pensar sobre la espalda. 575 00:30:39,671 --> 00:30:43,275 Todos serán varón, pero cae. 576 00:30:43,275 --> 00:30:49,881 Esto no va a parar hasta que estalle. 577 00:30:49,881 --> 00:30:53,051 Jogar tinta. 578 00:30:53,051 --> 00:30:56,621 Tão pequenininha, mas pode te dar uma volta. 579 00:30:56,621 --> 00:31:00,792 Cai na toca, Cai na toca, Toca da capota. 580 00:31:00,792 --> 00:31:02,427 Sonado. Todo. Todos. 581 00:31:02,427 --> 00:31:08,300 Dos. A la hora de hacer esto han echado 582 00:31:08,300 --> 00:31:10,635 a volar. Fue demasiado. 583 00:31:10,635 --> 00:31:15,574 Los pobres que se alistan, aunque no estén invitados. 584 00:31:15,574 --> 00:31:22,347 ♪♪ 585 00:31:22,347 --> 00:31:25,951 Se eles saíram para curtir o baile, 586 00:31:25,951 --> 00:31:32,157 elas vão encontrar a majestade. 587 00:31:32,157 --> 00:31:35,727 Chaca chaca. 588 00:31:35,727 --> 00:31:37,062 Tão pequenininha. 589 00:31:37,062 --> 00:31:40,999 Mas posso te dar uma volta a toda para tocar, 590 00:31:40,999 --> 00:31:44,336 tocar a gaivota. 591 00:31:44,336 --> 00:31:50,475 ♪♪ 592 00:31:50,475 --> 00:31:53,345 O quão ela vai ama ler 593 00:31:53,345 --> 00:31:59,918 e não fica contente em ter o que ela quer? 594 00:31:59,918 --> 00:32:11,229 ♪♪ 595 00:32:11,229 --> 00:32:13,265 Choca, Choca cuerpo con cuerpo. 596 00:32:13,265 --> 00:32:15,267 Boca. Convoca. Choca. 597 00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:16,168 Choca con. De todo. 598 00:32:16,168 --> 00:32:16,802 Con cuerpo. 599 00:32:16,802 --> 00:32:19,805 Boca con boca. 600 00:32:19,805 --> 00:32:23,942 ♪♪ 601 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:29,915 Cada que Boca. 602 00:32:29,915 --> 00:32:37,923 ♪♪ 603 00:32:37,923 --> 00:32:41,159 Toca boca. 604 00:33:02,347 --> 00:33:08,320 It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. 605 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:16,528 Thank you. 606 00:33:16,528 --> 00:33:18,530 Thank you. 607 00:33:18,530 --> 00:33:19,865 Thank you very much. Good evening everyone. 608 00:33:19,865 --> 00:33:21,533 Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. 609 00:33:21,533 --> 00:33:27,539 I'm Colin Jost. 610 00:33:27,572 --> 00:33:31,409 Today the United States held peace negotiations with Iran. 611 00:33:31,409 --> 00:33:34,379 But then just an hour ago, President Trump posted, 612 00:33:34,379 --> 00:33:36,448 if Iran doesn't agree to peace, 613 00:33:36,448 --> 00:33:40,619 the greatest military of all time. Hours. 614 00:33:40,619 --> 00:33:44,689 Well, f Iran right up there. Strait of Hormuz. 615 00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:49,394 Assalamualaikum. You crazy bastards. 616 00:33:49,394 --> 00:33:53,265 Now, I completely made that up. 617 00:33:53,265 --> 00:33:58,603 But isn't it kind of disturbing that you all totally believe. 618 00:33:58,603 --> 00:34:02,741 That he had posted that. 619 00:34:02,741 --> 00:34:05,210 President Trump did genuinely issue a post 620 00:34:05,210 --> 00:34:08,280 threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization, 621 00:34:08,280 --> 00:34:12,083 and then ended with the phrase praise be to Allah. 622 00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:14,052 And I know that almost sounds makes Trump 623 00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:16,087 sound like he is a radical terrorist. 624 00:34:16,087 --> 00:34:16,788 But remember, 625 00:34:17,188 --> 00:34:20,191 Trump has already been to a Paradise with 72 virgins. 626 00:34:24,696 --> 00:34:25,497 There is growing 627 00:34:25,497 --> 00:34:26,298 confusion over 628 00:34:26,498 --> 00:34:28,667 whether Israel being allowed to continue bombing 629 00:34:28,667 --> 00:34:31,503 Lebanon was part of the cease fire with Iran. 630 00:34:31,503 --> 00:34:33,238 Ultimately, that decision comes down 631 00:34:33,238 --> 00:34:38,109 to the man controlling our military. Benjamin Netanyahu. 632 00:34:38,109 --> 00:34:39,277 Earlier tonight, J.D. 633 00:34:39,277 --> 00:34:40,879 Vance announced that the U.S. 634 00:34:40,879 --> 00:34:43,915 and Iran have ended negotiations without a deal 635 00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:46,217 after talking for 21 hours straight. 636 00:34:46,217 --> 00:34:48,086 And guys, I think they're done for real. 637 00:34:48,086 --> 00:34:53,191 Based on how his mascara's running. 638 00:34:53,191 --> 00:34:54,926 Before the talks fell apart. 639 00:34:54,926 --> 00:34:55,527 President Trump 640 00:34:55,827 --> 00:34:57,862 warned Iran about making any more demands, 641 00:34:57,862 --> 00:35:01,866 saying the Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards. 642 00:35:01,866 --> 00:35:07,872 They're literally holding a straight. 643 00:35:10,909 --> 00:35:11,743 Kick. 644 00:35:11,743 --> 00:35:13,144 J.D. Vance was asked. 645 00:35:13,144 --> 00:35:17,015 Cadence was asked about Iran's right to enrich uranium. 646 00:35:17,015 --> 00:35:19,117 And he made kind of a weird analogy. 647 00:35:19,117 --> 00:35:21,453 Watch 648 00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:27,425 the right. 649 00:35:30,061 --> 00:35:34,165 Plane. 650 00:35:34,165 --> 00:35:36,234 What the hell are you talking about? 651 00:35:37,402 --> 00:35:39,104 The only thing that makes sense 652 00:35:39,104 --> 00:35:42,540 in that entire analogy is that we can all understand J.D. 653 00:35:42,540 --> 00:35:48,546 Vance, his wife, having the urge to jump. 654 00:35:51,249 --> 00:35:54,386 First Lady Melania Trump made a rare public statement 655 00:35:54,386 --> 00:35:56,721 to deny reports that Jeffrey Epstein 656 00:35:56,721 --> 00:35:59,591 introduced her to Donald Trump because they actually met 657 00:35:59,591 --> 00:36:05,597 when Trump cracked open her shipping container. 658 00:36:06,865 --> 00:36:10,368 On Friday, the Artemis two astronauts returned safely 659 00:36:10,368 --> 00:36:16,374 from their ten day trip around the Hollywood soundstage. 660 00:36:18,676 --> 00:36:20,378 During the mission, the crew of Artemis 661 00:36:20,378 --> 00:36:23,014 two sent back pictures of the rarely seen Dark 662 00:36:23,014 --> 00:36:28,987 Side of the moon, revealing that the moon has a rat tail. 663 00:36:33,425 --> 00:36:34,592 He wanted more out of that. 664 00:36:34,592 --> 00:36:36,261 The justice. 665 00:36:36,261 --> 00:36:38,897 The Justice Department has formed a task force 666 00:36:38,897 --> 00:36:42,167 intended to eradicate anti-Christian bias, 667 00:36:42,167 --> 00:36:45,236 which hopefully works better than the church's strategy 668 00:36:45,236 --> 00:36:46,538 of molesting it out of the. 669 00:36:53,812 --> 00:36:56,481 California police have arrested a man who allegedly threw 670 00:36:56,481 --> 00:36:59,317 a molotov cocktail at the home of ChatGPT 671 00:36:59,317 --> 00:37:02,787 founder, Sam Altman, after ChatGPT told him. 672 00:37:02,787 --> 00:37:06,825 That's a great idea. 673 00:37:06,825 --> 00:37:09,027 Yesterday, Kamala Harris said she is thinking 674 00:37:09,027 --> 00:37:12,764 about running for president again, and I like her chances 675 00:37:12,764 --> 00:37:18,770 as long as she finally grows that penis. 676 00:37:19,104 --> 00:37:23,141 How's that? Oh. 677 00:37:23,141 --> 00:37:25,276 I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could help. 678 00:37:25,276 --> 00:37:28,680 Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr announced 679 00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:31,082 that he is launching a new podcast. 680 00:37:31,082 --> 00:37:34,719 The podcast is called, 681 00:37:34,719 --> 00:37:37,021 No Rabbit. 682 00:37:37,021 --> 00:37:40,191 Rabbit. 683 00:37:40,191 --> 00:37:43,061 It's it's catchy. 684 00:37:43,061 --> 00:37:45,830 Yesterday, report showed inflation spiked to its highest 685 00:37:45,830 --> 00:37:47,832 point in four years due to the war in Iran. 686 00:37:47,832 --> 00:37:51,302 Here to comment are two kids from the back of the school bus. 687 00:37:51,302 --> 00:37:54,305 Yo, yo. 688 00:37:54,305 --> 00:37:59,277 What's up? It's a joke. The show's. Hey, 689 00:37:59,277 --> 00:38:00,278 guys. 690 00:38:00,278 --> 00:38:03,615 Calm down. Calm down. Okay. 691 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,551 You're here to talk about inflation, okay? Right? 692 00:38:06,551 --> 00:38:06,918 Right. 693 00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:09,721 Well, but first, can I just use your phone real quick, Mr. 694 00:38:09,721 --> 00:38:12,957 Jost? I'm sorry. I got confiscated. 695 00:38:12,957 --> 00:38:14,659 Well, why did your phone get confiscated? 696 00:38:14,659 --> 00:38:16,161 I don't know, I, I didn't do nothing. 697 00:38:16,161 --> 00:38:19,330 I didn't do nothing. You've got him. Do nothing to do nothing. 698 00:38:19,330 --> 00:38:22,901 I don't know what you think. If I didn't do nothing, 699 00:38:22,901 --> 00:38:26,404 I don't know. I find that hard to believe. Okay, fine. 700 00:38:26,404 --> 00:38:27,672 I posted a video of me 701 00:38:27,672 --> 00:38:29,707 swiping a debit card between the bus drivers. 702 00:38:29,707 --> 00:38:31,776 Neck Folds 703 00:38:31,776 --> 00:38:35,847 it was like a pack of hot dogs. It was like. 704 00:38:35,847 --> 00:38:38,550 I mean like. 705 00:38:38,550 --> 00:38:40,084 Where you know what? 706 00:38:40,084 --> 00:38:42,120 Because this is Serious. This is Serious 707 00:38:42,120 --> 00:38:43,288 This is serious okay. 708 00:38:43,288 --> 00:38:45,156 What are you guys you got to focus up okay okay. 709 00:38:45,156 --> 00:38:46,925 So okay. 710 00:38:46,925 --> 00:38:49,494 Seriously seriously okay. 711 00:38:49,494 --> 00:38:54,866 Inflation was up 3.3%. Prices are out of control. 712 00:38:54,866 --> 00:38:56,467 Everyone has been affected. 713 00:38:56,467 --> 00:38:58,770 Even my boy grab on. Can't afford these groceries. 714 00:38:58,770 --> 00:39:01,072 Not for real. I feel bad for God. Bone. 715 00:39:01,072 --> 00:39:02,340 Life is tough. Yeah. 716 00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:04,242 Oh my God, who's Gabon? 717 00:39:04,242 --> 00:39:07,412 Oh, Gabon is a friend of ours. Is Gabon these nuts? 718 00:39:07,412 --> 00:39:09,781 Hahahahahahahaha 719 00:39:14,052 --> 00:39:18,690 Has a head got your house? 720 00:39:18,690 --> 00:39:18,823 Yeah. 721 00:39:19,290 --> 00:39:19,791 I really don't appreciate 722 00:39:20,158 --> 00:39:22,460 being shot in the face a bunch of times. 723 00:39:22,460 --> 00:39:23,428 Also, you supposed to come out here 724 00:39:23,428 --> 00:39:24,829 and talk about the inflation report? 725 00:39:24,829 --> 00:39:27,599 You've had this assignment for weeks now, Jimmy. 726 00:39:27,599 --> 00:39:31,236 Choo choo choo choo choo choo. Right now chill out. 727 00:39:31,236 --> 00:39:34,606 Let me lock in Lackey and let him go okay. 728 00:39:34,606 --> 00:39:36,975 Inflation report right. 729 00:39:36,975 --> 00:39:42,247 Let me ask you a basic question of economic basing. Basic. 730 00:39:42,247 --> 00:39:45,083 You got it. You got it, you got it. I got lock in, man. 731 00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:46,084 All right, you got it. 732 00:39:46,317 --> 00:39:49,254 Let me ask your basic question of economics. Okay? Okay. Great. 733 00:39:49,254 --> 00:39:53,625 Yeah. Would you rather eat 100 glizzys 734 00:39:53,625 --> 00:39:57,495 or pass away from big booty disease? 735 00:39:57,495 --> 00:39:58,696 Good question. Good question. 736 00:39:58,696 --> 00:40:01,366 I guess I would obviously choose the glizzy. 737 00:40:01,366 --> 00:40:09,374 Oh, no, Mr. Johnson. Glizzy. God, I. 738 00:40:09,374 --> 00:40:10,942 You nasty bro. 739 00:40:10,942 --> 00:40:13,411 More. All right, you guys. Sir, you're too rowdy. 740 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:17,615 Okay, you guys need to calm down, okay, fine. 741 00:40:17,615 --> 00:40:20,885 Jokes aside, I don't think this inflation 742 00:40:20,885 --> 00:40:24,122 will predicate a noticeable shift in the Federal Reserve. 743 00:40:24,122 --> 00:40:25,056 Yeah, but it does 744 00:40:25,056 --> 00:40:25,924 put the fed between 745 00:40:25,990 --> 00:40:28,593 a rock and a hard place, because that's more, 746 00:40:28,593 --> 00:40:32,497 low inflation while still encouraging economic growth. 747 00:40:32,497 --> 00:40:35,466 The hell, is that? 748 00:40:35,466 --> 00:40:37,235 You guys, like, secretly smart? 749 00:40:37,235 --> 00:40:40,471 Yes. Dude, we get tutoring from Amanda Gold. 750 00:40:40,471 --> 00:40:43,308 She's a genius. You know, Amanda Gold, who? It wasn't. 751 00:40:43,308 --> 00:40:48,813 Who is Amanda? Amanda gold. Deez nuts. 752 00:40:48,813 --> 00:40:50,148 Yeah. You got him? 753 00:40:50,148 --> 00:40:55,586 Got him. Bitch! 754 00:40:55,586 --> 00:40:58,222 That is a enough. You know what? I'm calling your mom. 755 00:40:58,222 --> 00:41:01,326 I do not do anything. 756 00:41:01,326 --> 00:41:02,961 I didn't even do nothing. I can't even do nothing. 757 00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:09,200 What? You call your mom over here? I didn't do nothing. 758 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,034 Well, please. 759 00:41:10,034 --> 00:41:10,735 No, cause you gonna hate me. 760 00:41:11,002 --> 00:41:12,904 Please, please, please, please do not hit him. 761 00:41:12,904 --> 00:41:17,308 Okay? Oh, we're sorry, Mr. Jones. Okay. We didn't mean it. 762 00:41:17,308 --> 00:41:18,743 Have you ever considered 763 00:41:18,743 --> 00:41:22,213 how our home lives affect our behavior? Yeah. 764 00:41:22,213 --> 00:41:28,286 Did you ever stop to think why we are the way that we are? 765 00:41:28,286 --> 00:41:30,621 Wow. You know, I guess, I guess I haven't. 766 00:41:30,621 --> 00:41:31,823 I apologize, 767 00:41:31,823 --> 00:41:34,125 I guess I can be insensitive sometimes 768 00:41:34,125 --> 00:41:37,862 because when I was younger, I was diagnosed with ligma. 769 00:41:37,862 --> 00:41:39,397 Ligma. Yeah. 770 00:41:39,397 --> 00:41:43,768 It's, ligma fat nuts. Oh, no no no no no. 771 00:41:43,768 --> 00:41:46,104 Third of all for both of world. 772 00:41:46,104 --> 00:41:52,310 Oh my God. 773 00:41:52,310 --> 00:41:54,812 You know, 774 00:41:54,812 --> 00:41:59,017 we're, you know, two kids in the back of the school bus. 775 00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:03,121 Everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm at the king bits on this. Oh. 776 00:42:05,990 --> 00:42:07,458 Okay. 777 00:42:07,458 --> 00:42:12,930 Why do you have fat nuts, man? 778 00:42:12,930 --> 00:42:18,002 A new study has gone. 779 00:42:18,002 --> 00:42:21,038 A new study reveals that sharks in the Bahamas 780 00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:23,374 have tested positive for painkillers. 781 00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:25,476 In fact, the only animals that consume 782 00:42:25,476 --> 00:42:31,482 more painkillers are tigers. 783 00:42:33,317 --> 00:42:34,952 A new report finds that the state 784 00:42:34,952 --> 00:42:36,721 with the most adult children 785 00:42:36,721 --> 00:42:41,192 still living with their parents is new Jersey. 786 00:42:41,192 --> 00:42:44,395 Adult children in new Jersey are calling their report Mar. 787 00:42:44,395 --> 00:42:48,566 Why are you going to tell them that for? 788 00:42:48,566 --> 00:42:51,202 Good. 789 00:42:51,202 --> 00:42:53,137 British officials have blocked 790 00:42:53,137 --> 00:42:55,973 from entering the country to perform any music festival, 791 00:42:55,973 --> 00:42:57,909 despite his offer to meet with members 792 00:42:57,909 --> 00:42:59,577 of England's Jewish community, 793 00:42:59,577 --> 00:43:05,583 which he thinks are the band goblins from Harry Potter. 794 00:43:06,217 --> 00:43:08,886 It was announced that when King Charles visits the US 795 00:43:08,886 --> 00:43:10,888 this month, he will deliver a joint address 796 00:43:10,888 --> 00:43:14,258 to Congress where, God willing, he offers to take us back. 797 00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:19,030 The Google Beach Killer has pleaded guilty 798 00:43:19,030 --> 00:43:21,199 to eight murders on Long Island. 799 00:43:21,199 --> 00:43:27,205 And honey, I hope one of them was your barber. 800 00:43:27,271 --> 00:43:29,540 You like a sassy I am okay. 801 00:43:29,540 --> 00:43:31,309 Yes, I do. 802 00:43:31,309 --> 00:43:33,077 A number of bars around the country 803 00:43:33,077 --> 00:43:36,114 have implemented a policy banning cell phones. 804 00:43:36,114 --> 00:43:38,116 This according to a recent lie. 805 00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:43,087 A man told his wife. 806 00:43:43,087 --> 00:43:46,524 A video has surfaced in which a quadruple amputee 807 00:43:46,524 --> 00:43:49,727 cornhole champion accused of a road rage 808 00:43:49,727 --> 00:43:52,830 shooting is seen firing a semi-automatic rifle 809 00:43:52,830 --> 00:43:54,499 and standing on his head 810 00:43:54,499 --> 00:43:57,401 snorting drugs off a dollar bill. 811 00:43:57,401 --> 00:44:02,373 So what's stopping you from living your best life? 812 00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:06,210 Okay. 813 00:44:06,210 --> 00:44:09,614 A pig a pig named Merlin that can talk 814 00:44:09,614 --> 00:44:12,450 using Preprogramed buttons has set a new world 815 00:44:12,450 --> 00:44:15,920 record for largest Instagram following for a pig. 816 00:44:15,920 --> 00:44:18,389 And that sets a record for smartest pork chop. 817 00:44:23,828 --> 00:44:27,165 He's still got that mustache on your finger. 818 00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:32,436 Doctors are warning against the tick tock trend and 819 00:44:32,436 --> 00:44:34,405 doctors are warning against a Tik Tok trend, 820 00:44:34,405 --> 00:44:36,908 which claims people can cure their hemorrhoids 821 00:44:36,908 --> 00:44:40,745 by putting sugar on their anus, putting sugar on an anus 822 00:44:40,745 --> 00:44:46,717 is also the recipe for Hostess Donuts. 823 00:44:48,586 --> 00:44:49,554 You can't unsee it. 824 00:44:49,554 --> 00:44:53,824 You can't unsee it. 825 00:44:53,824 --> 00:44:56,894 Speaking of, a new book on healthy bowel movements 826 00:44:56,894 --> 00:45:00,464 has been published called You've Been Pooping All Wrong 827 00:45:00,464 --> 00:45:01,566 and They're Right. 828 00:45:01,566 --> 00:45:08,105 I have there. 829 00:45:08,105 --> 00:45:08,706 Oh, boy. 830 00:45:09,073 --> 00:45:11,709 A new study has shown that young people today 831 00:45:11,709 --> 00:45:15,346 are having less than at any other point in history. 832 00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:20,184 Here to comment is Gen Z Sexpert Lynn Greer. 833 00:45:20,184 --> 00:45:22,987 Hi, Michael. 834 00:45:22,987 --> 00:45:25,389 Hi, Michael. So, sex. 835 00:45:25,389 --> 00:45:27,191 Let's talk about it. 836 00:45:27,191 --> 00:45:29,994 Sex is an incredible piece of the human experience, 837 00:45:29,994 --> 00:45:31,896 and there's nothing to be ashamed of. 838 00:45:31,896 --> 00:45:35,967 Whether you're vanilla or disgusting. 839 00:45:35,967 --> 00:45:39,570 So you're here to teach Gen Z about healthy sex practices? 840 00:45:39,570 --> 00:45:42,106 Yes. And sex can look like anything. 841 00:45:42,106 --> 00:45:45,610 What is it? 842 00:45:45,610 --> 00:45:47,044 Are you going to tell us? 843 00:45:47,044 --> 00:45:50,982 Of course. Michael, let's get granular. Sex can be any shape. 844 00:45:50,982 --> 00:45:53,117 It doesn't have to be with someone you love. 845 00:45:53,117 --> 00:45:57,154 It just has to be at night. 846 00:45:57,154 --> 00:45:59,590 And you say you're a sex educator, right? 847 00:45:59,590 --> 00:46:03,461 I am. Sex is complicated. It's impossible to understand. 848 00:46:03,461 --> 00:46:08,666 Which is why my sex advice is just do whatever. 849 00:46:08,666 --> 00:46:10,868 I guess I would hope that as an educator, 850 00:46:10,868 --> 00:46:13,971 you'd have some guidance beyond. Just do whatever. 851 00:46:13,971 --> 00:46:16,474 Well, there are only two rules in sex. 852 00:46:16,474 --> 00:46:18,809 One have fun and two. 853 00:46:18,809 --> 00:46:22,580 No raping. Whoa. 854 00:46:22,580 --> 00:46:24,615 Whoa. You disagree? Okay. 855 00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:28,219 No I'm not. I don't think. 856 00:46:28,219 --> 00:46:30,988 I just mean that came out of nowhere. 857 00:46:30,988 --> 00:46:33,257 Well, raping can come out of nowhere. 858 00:46:33,257 --> 00:46:38,062 Okay. Now sex. Let's get into it. What is it? 859 00:46:38,062 --> 00:46:42,066 You keep asking that to echo the same as quote. 860 00:46:42,066 --> 00:46:46,237 I can't define sex, but I know it when I'm having it. 861 00:46:46,237 --> 00:46:47,738 Well, 862 00:46:47,738 --> 00:46:50,675 I have a question. And don't take this the wrong way, but 863 00:46:50,675 --> 00:46:56,380 have you had sex before? 864 00:46:56,380 --> 00:46:59,684 I must have. 865 00:46:59,684 --> 00:47:03,320 If I had it, how would I know all of this? 866 00:47:03,320 --> 00:47:05,256 All of what? 867 00:47:05,256 --> 00:47:08,192 Look, it's okay if you haven't put it this way. 868 00:47:08,192 --> 00:47:10,594 I've had something that might be sex, 869 00:47:10,594 --> 00:47:12,263 and I've had it a lot. 870 00:47:12,263 --> 00:47:15,933 If I haven't had sex, then what do you think I had? 871 00:47:15,933 --> 00:47:19,603 Is that, like, a riddle or something? No. 872 00:47:19,603 --> 00:47:21,138 Here's how it went. 873 00:47:21,138 --> 00:47:25,476 It's night, my friend is there. But I don't love him. Okay. 874 00:47:25,476 --> 00:47:28,279 I get on my hands and knees, curl my head down 875 00:47:28,279 --> 00:47:32,316 towards the bed, kick my legs up and go all the way over. 876 00:47:32,316 --> 00:47:35,352 Then I fall back, breathless. 877 00:47:35,352 --> 00:47:38,756 That sounds like you did a somersault. 878 00:47:38,756 --> 00:47:41,258 Yes, sex can look like anything. 879 00:47:41,258 --> 00:47:44,161 Yeah, but not anything. 880 00:47:44,161 --> 00:47:45,696 Well, here's something else I had. 881 00:47:45,696 --> 00:47:49,266 And I wonder if it was sex. Go for it. 882 00:47:49,266 --> 00:47:53,370 I sat on a catcher's mitt. That's not sex. 883 00:47:53,370 --> 00:47:55,606 But it left me breathless. 884 00:47:55,606 --> 00:47:58,476 Here, everybody just do whatever. 885 00:47:58,476 --> 00:48:01,445 But weekend update, I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost. 886 00:48:01,445 --> 00:48:05,583 Just do whatever. Colin. The night. That. 887 00:48:17,328 --> 00:48:18,229 >>> I WAS JUST LOOKING THROUGH 888 00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:19,263 THE PHOTO BOOKS. 889 00:48:19,263 --> 00:48:20,898 SEEMS LIKE GRANDPA WAS AN 890 00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:21,932 AMAZING GUY. 891 00:48:21,932 --> 00:48:24,068 >> HE WAS, HONEY. 892 00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:29,006 I'LL MISS HIM. 893 00:48:29,006 --> 00:48:31,142 >> I FEEL BAD, LIKE GROWING UP 894 00:48:31,142 --> 00:48:31,942 IN FLORIDA, I NEVER 895 00:48:31,942 --> 00:48:32,810 REALLY GOT TO KNOW GRANDPA. 896 00:48:32,810 --> 00:48:33,844 >> HE WAS A DIFFICULT MAN TO 897 00:48:33,844 --> 00:48:35,446 KNOW. 898 00:48:35,446 --> 00:48:38,783 HE HAD HIS GROUP OF FRIENDS. 899 00:48:38,783 --> 00:48:39,283 THAT'S REALLY IT. 900 00:48:39,483 --> 00:48:41,252 HOPE SOME OF THEM SHOW UP TODAY. 901 00:48:41,252 --> 00:48:43,921 >> HELLO, KATIE. 902 00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:44,655 HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW. 903 00:48:44,655 --> 00:48:47,291 >> THANK YOU, FATHER. 904 00:48:47,291 --> 00:48:47,858 >> THANK YOU, FATHER. 905 00:48:47,992 --> 00:48:48,592 >> THAT WAS FATHER MURPHY FROM 906 00:48:48,592 --> 00:48:48,959 MY PARISH. 907 00:48:49,126 --> 00:48:52,630 SWEET OF HIM TO COME. 908 00:48:52,630 --> 00:48:56,233 LOOK WHO IT IS. 909 00:48:56,233 --> 00:48:56,667 OH. 910 00:48:56,667 --> 00:48:59,036 >> UM, UM, UM. 911 00:48:59,036 --> 00:49:01,405 I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. 912 00:49:01,405 --> 00:49:02,473 >> THANK YOU. 913 00:49:02,473 --> 00:49:04,008 THANK YOU FOR COMING. 914 00:49:04,008 --> 00:49:05,676 >> YOUR FATHER WILL BE MISSED. 915 00:49:05,676 --> 00:49:06,977 HEAVEN HAS GAINED A FREAKY 916 00:49:06,977 --> 00:49:10,815 LITTLE ANGEL TODAY. 917 00:49:10,815 --> 00:49:12,983 OH, THINGS CAME OUT A LITTLE 918 00:49:12,983 --> 00:49:15,085 DIFFERENT WITH THESE TWO. 919 00:49:15,085 --> 00:49:17,221 >> MOM, WHO WAS THAT? 920 00:49:17,221 --> 00:49:19,056 >> THAT WAS SUEDE. 921 00:49:19,056 --> 00:49:22,092 >> HOW DOES GRANDPA KNOW SUEDE? 922 00:49:22,092 --> 00:49:23,561 >> SUEDE WAS ONE OF HIS FRIENDS 923 00:49:23,561 --> 00:49:27,097 FROM THE LIFE. 924 00:49:29,300 --> 00:49:33,504 OH, HI. 925 00:49:33,504 --> 00:49:34,538 CRYSTALINE, TRIBECA, YOU CAME. 926 00:49:34,538 --> 00:49:36,173 >> HEY, SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. 927 00:49:36,173 --> 00:49:37,775 >> WE BROUGHT A FEW ITEMS WE 928 00:49:37,775 --> 00:49:39,410 THOUGHT HE'D LIKE TO BRING TO 929 00:49:39,410 --> 00:49:42,313 THE BEYOND. 930 00:49:42,313 --> 00:49:44,281 YOU MIND IF WE CASKET HIM? 931 00:49:44,281 --> 00:49:46,650 >> GO RIGHT AHEAD, GIRLS. 932 00:49:46,650 --> 00:49:51,655 >> THANKS. 933 00:49:51,655 --> 00:50:03,133 >> CAN'T FORGET MY PURSE. 934 00:50:03,133 --> 00:50:03,434 >> OH, 935 00:50:03,801 --> 00:50:04,235 I'M SURE WHEREVER HE IS, HE'S 936 00:50:04,401 --> 00:50:04,869 LOOKING UP AT THOSE GIRLS 937 00:50:04,869 --> 00:50:07,438 SMILING. 938 00:50:07,438 --> 00:50:10,107 LOOKING UP? 939 00:50:10,107 --> 00:50:11,141 MOM, WAS GRANDPA SOME KIND OF 940 00:50:11,141 --> 00:50:16,981 LIKE PIMP? 941 00:50:16,981 --> 00:50:18,549 >> YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS AN 942 00:50:18,549 --> 00:50:21,252 INCREDIBLE MAN. 943 00:50:21,252 --> 00:50:24,822 AND WHEN HE PUT ON THAT WIG, HE 944 00:50:24,822 --> 00:50:28,826 WAS ONE OF MY BEST HOS. 945 00:50:28,826 --> 00:50:29,393 >> THANKS FOR COMING, 946 00:50:29,393 --> 00:50:32,663 DELICIOUS. 947 00:50:32,663 --> 00:50:34,798 >> HE SAY HOS? 948 00:50:34,798 --> 00:50:36,367 >> THAT'S WHAT I SAID, LITTLE 949 00:50:36,367 --> 00:50:36,634 MAN. 950 00:50:37,034 --> 00:50:37,334 WHO IS GOING TO FLIP HIM OVER? 951 00:50:37,668 --> 00:50:38,402 HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO BE 952 00:50:38,402 --> 00:50:39,403 BURIED HOW HE LIVED, FACE DOWN, 953 00:50:39,403 --> 00:50:39,904 BOOTY UP. 954 00:50:40,070 --> 00:50:40,971 >> WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT, 955 00:50:40,971 --> 00:50:42,573 MOM? 956 00:50:42,573 --> 00:50:44,708 >> HONEY, JUST A MOMENT. 957 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:47,845 HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, DELICIOUS? 958 00:50:47,845 --> 00:50:49,179 YOU KEEPING THE GIRLS IN LINE? 959 00:50:49,179 --> 00:50:52,850 YOU KEEPING IT 100? 960 00:50:52,850 --> 00:50:54,318 >> AS ALWAYS. 961 00:50:54,318 --> 00:50:56,186 GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS ABOUT 962 00:50:56,186 --> 00:50:57,121 YOUR DADDY? 963 00:50:57,121 --> 00:50:58,622 YOU COULD HAVE YOUR WAY WITH 964 00:50:58,622 --> 00:51:00,724 HIM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOKED 965 00:51:00,724 --> 00:51:02,293 LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU PAID HIM 966 00:51:02,293 --> 00:51:04,295 HIS DOLLAR. 967 00:51:04,295 --> 00:51:04,762 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 968 00:51:04,762 --> 00:51:07,464 >> ONE DOLLAR? 969 00:51:07,464 --> 00:51:09,199 >> WHERE ARE MY MANNERS, 970 00:51:09,199 --> 00:51:10,935 DELICIOUS THESE ARE MY SONS, 971 00:51:10,935 --> 00:51:14,471 MIKE AND JAKE. 972 00:51:14,471 --> 00:51:15,706 >> NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH. 973 00:51:15,706 --> 00:51:20,544 YOU COULD EARN. 974 00:51:20,544 --> 00:51:23,213 YOU GO TO COLLEGE. 975 00:51:23,213 --> 00:51:29,086 >> WHAT? 976 00:51:29,086 --> 00:51:31,789 >> MOM, WAS GRANDPA LIKE A SEX 977 00:51:31,789 --> 00:51:32,122 WORKER? 978 00:51:32,489 --> 00:51:33,424 >> OH, NO, HONEY, HE PREFERRED 979 00:51:33,424 --> 00:51:37,861 THE TERM BOY WHORE. 980 00:51:37,861 --> 00:51:39,897 >> HEY, I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR 981 00:51:39,897 --> 00:51:40,197 LOSS. 982 00:51:40,598 --> 00:51:43,100 I'M GOING TO MISS JIM BUT I'LL 983 00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:44,768 ALWAYS HAVE A PIECE OF HIM RIGHT 984 00:51:44,768 --> 00:51:45,069 HERE. 985 00:51:45,069 --> 00:51:46,437 >> OH. 986 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:49,440 >> OH, MY GOSH, GRANDPA IS THE 987 00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:49,773 FATHER? 988 00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:51,041 >> NO MUFFIN IS THE FATHER, I 989 00:51:51,041 --> 00:51:54,945 WAS TALKING ABOUT MY INK. 990 00:51:54,945 --> 00:51:56,113 SPEAKING OF, HAVE YOU SEEN 991 00:51:56,113 --> 00:51:57,114 MUFFIN? 992 00:51:57,114 --> 00:51:57,848 >> I THINK HE'S SAYING HIS FINAL 993 00:51:57,848 --> 00:51:59,216 GOODBYES. 994 00:51:59,216 --> 00:52:03,854 >> WOO, WOO! 995 00:52:03,854 --> 00:52:05,289 YO, I AM PLEASED TO REPORT 996 00:52:05,289 --> 00:52:11,495 THAT RIGOR MORTIS HAS SET IN. 997 00:52:11,495 --> 00:52:11,795 WOO! 998 00:52:12,062 --> 00:52:15,099 >> DUDE, THIS IS INSANE. 999 00:52:15,099 --> 00:52:16,033 WHY IS HE IN THERE? 1000 00:52:16,033 --> 00:52:23,207 WHY IS HE GOING BACK IN THERE? 1001 00:52:23,207 --> 00:52:26,310 >> ARE YOU LAUGHING OR CRYING? 1002 00:52:26,310 --> 00:52:27,444 >> LAUGHING BECAUSE THE GOOD 1003 00:52:27,444 --> 00:52:28,512 TIMES HAPPEN, CRYING BECAUSE 1004 00:52:28,512 --> 00:52:32,883 THEY'RE OVER. 1005 00:52:32,883 --> 00:52:35,786 >> YOU'RE A POET, WHITE COCOA. 1006 00:52:35,786 --> 00:52:38,355 THESE ARE MY SONS. 1007 00:52:38,355 --> 00:52:39,423 MIKE AND JAKE. 1008 00:52:39,423 --> 00:52:40,157 >> PLEASURE WOULD BE YOUR STREET 1009 00:52:40,157 --> 00:52:42,559 NAME IF YOU WORKED FOR ME. 1010 00:52:42,559 --> 00:52:43,027 THINK ABOUT IT. 1011 00:52:43,127 --> 00:52:51,301 NICE TO MEET YOU, JAKE. 1012 00:52:51,301 --> 00:52:53,771 >> I'M SORRY, HOW MANY PIMPS DID 1013 00:52:53,771 --> 00:52:57,307 GRANDPA HAVE? 1014 00:52:57,307 --> 00:53:02,746 >> HOW MANY PIMPS, YOU MIGHT AS 1015 00:53:02,746 --> 00:53:03,180 WELL ASK HOW 1016 00:53:03,447 --> 00:53:08,719 MANY STARS THERE ARE IN THE SKY. 1017 00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:09,253 THAT WOULD BE FOUR. 1018 00:53:09,386 --> 00:53:11,622 I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. 1019 00:53:11,622 --> 00:53:17,761 >> THANK YOU, MAC DADDY VANILLA. 1020 00:53:17,761 --> 00:53:21,398 >> YOU MUST BE THE FAMOUS MIKE. 1021 00:53:21,398 --> 00:53:22,766 I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT. 1022 00:53:22,766 --> 00:53:24,802 YOU GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU WANT 1023 00:53:24,802 --> 00:53:28,238 TO LIVE THAT LIFE. 1024 00:53:28,238 --> 00:53:31,275 AND YOU, WHAT WERE YOU ADOPTED 1025 00:53:31,275 --> 00:53:34,078 FROM THE SHIRE? 1026 00:53:34,078 --> 00:53:41,985 FUGLY ASS HO. 1027 00:53:41,985 --> 00:53:43,887 >> OKAY. 1028 00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:46,490 MOM, WHAT IS THE LIFE? 1029 00:53:46,490 --> 00:53:47,524 >> YEAH, AND WHY CAN'T I LIVE 1030 00:53:47,524 --> 00:53:49,760 IT? 1031 00:53:49,760 --> 00:53:51,795 >> HONEY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING 1032 00:53:51,795 --> 00:53:53,831 YOU SET YOUR MIND TO. 1033 00:53:53,831 --> 00:53:54,932 >> REALLY? 1034 00:53:54,932 --> 00:53:55,599 ALL RIGHT THEN. 1035 00:53:55,599 --> 00:53:56,166 I'M REALLY GOING TO DO IT. 1036 00:54:09,480 --> 00:54:15,486 >>> ONCE AGAIN, ANITTA. 1037 00:54:15,486 --> 00:54:23,193 ♪♪ 1038 00:54:23,193 --> 00:54:25,929 Puedes hacer lo que quieras. 1039 00:54:25,929 --> 00:54:28,532 Pero avísame si te vas. 1040 00:54:28,532 --> 00:54:33,770 Juega conmigo, no con mi corazón. 1041 00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:36,406 Desde el momento que te. 1042 00:54:36,406 --> 00:54:39,042 No podés imaginar. 1043 00:54:39,042 --> 00:54:43,614 Dijiste que ibas a quedarte y no estás. 1044 00:54:43,614 --> 00:54:45,916 Varias quejas. 1045 00:54:45,916 --> 00:54:51,221 Varias quejas más de. 1046 00:54:51,221 --> 00:54:56,126 ¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo? 1047 00:54:56,126 --> 00:55:00,397 200 noches a tu lado. 1048 00:55:00,397 --> 00:55:04,568 No sé si estás enamorado. 1049 00:55:04,568 --> 00:55:07,004 Varias quejas. 1050 00:55:07,004 --> 00:55:12,476 Varias quejas. Para de. 1051 00:55:12,476 --> 00:55:17,247 ¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo? 1052 00:55:17,247 --> 00:55:21,418 200 noches a tu lado 1053 00:55:21,418 --> 00:55:26,290 y no sé si estabas enamorado. 1054 00:55:26,290 --> 00:55:31,128 Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor. 1055 00:55:31,128 --> 00:55:33,697 Hacé todo igual de bien que antes. 1056 00:55:33,697 --> 00:55:36,867 Mi peor error. 1057 00:55:36,867 --> 00:55:41,605 Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor. 1058 00:55:41,605 --> 00:55:44,274 Lo hace todo igual de bien que antes. 1059 00:55:44,274 --> 00:55:47,711 Mi peor error. 1060 00:55:47,711 --> 00:55:53,684 Sabía yo que iba. 1061 00:55:53,684 --> 00:55:58,288 El problema es que te besé y me olvidé. 1062 00:55:58,288 --> 00:56:04,228 Sabía yo que iba. 1063 00:56:04,228 --> 00:56:07,831 El problema es que te besé y me olvidé. 1064 00:56:07,831 --> 00:56:10,300 Varias quejas. 1065 00:56:10,300 --> 00:56:15,772 Varias quejas para usted. 1066 00:56:15,772 --> 00:56:20,510 ¿Para qué hiciste eso conmigo? 1067 00:56:20,510 --> 00:56:24,781 200 noche a tu lado. 1068 00:56:24,781 --> 00:56:29,019 No sé si estabas enamorado. 1069 00:56:29,019 --> 00:56:31,388 Varias quejas. 1070 00:56:31,388 --> 00:56:36,894 Varias quejas para usted. 1071 00:56:36,894 --> 00:56:41,632 ¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo? 1072 00:56:41,632 --> 00:56:45,902 Te sientas a tu lado. 1073 00:56:45,902 --> 00:56:50,073 No sé si estás enamorado. 1074 00:56:50,073 --> 00:56:53,010 Parece que 1075 00:56:53,010 --> 00:56:55,779 sigues 1076 00:56:55,779 --> 00:56:59,416 bien. 1077 00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:04,454 ¿Y bien? 1078 00:57:04,454 --> 00:57:15,999 Bien. 1079 00:57:15,999 --> 00:57:24,608 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1080 00:57:38,689 --> 00:57:39,022 ♪♪ 1081 00:57:39,389 --> 00:57:39,756 >>> WONDER WHAT THE NEW TEACHER 1082 00:57:39,890 --> 00:57:41,158 IS GOING TO BE LIKE? 1083 00:57:41,158 --> 00:57:42,759 >> PROBABLY LIKE ALL THE OTHER 1084 00:57:42,759 --> 00:57:45,429 INSTRUCTORS AT SHERWOOD ACADEMY, 1085 00:57:45,429 --> 00:57:50,267 ANOTHER BORING, HUM-DRUM STIFF. 1086 00:57:50,267 --> 00:57:51,868 >> DISCIPLINE. 1087 00:57:51,868 --> 00:57:53,470 MEMORIZATION. 1088 00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:56,173 CONFORMITY. 1089 00:57:56,173 --> 00:57:57,240 ALL THESE HAVE ONE THING IN 1090 00:57:57,240 --> 00:57:59,376 COMMON. 1091 00:57:59,376 --> 00:58:00,410 THEY'RE NOT WELCOME IN MY 1092 00:58:00,410 --> 00:58:04,181 CLASSROOM. 1093 00:58:04,181 --> 00:58:06,850 >> BUT SIR, THE ACADEMY CREED 1094 00:58:06,850 --> 00:58:07,517 IS -- THE LEARNED BOY SHALL 1095 00:58:07,517 --> 00:58:13,557 CONFORM. 1096 00:58:13,557 --> 00:58:16,326 >> HOOEY, BOYS, THROW YOUR 1097 00:58:16,326 --> 00:58:17,461 PENCILS ON THE FLOOR. 1098 00:58:17,461 --> 00:58:18,161 >> BUT THE FLOOR IS WHERE THE 1099 00:58:18,161 --> 00:58:18,929 DIRT IS. 1100 00:58:18,929 --> 00:58:23,200 >> DO IT ANYWAY. 1101 00:58:23,200 --> 00:58:23,767 >> THIS IS CRAZY. 1102 00:58:23,767 --> 00:58:29,106 WHAT WE'RE DOING IS CRAZY. 1103 00:58:29,106 --> 00:58:30,707 >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, 1104 00:58:30,707 --> 00:58:33,377 YOU WON'T FIND ANYTHING IN A 1105 00:58:33,377 --> 00:58:34,444 TEXTBOOK YOU CAN'T FIND IN YOUR 1106 00:58:34,444 --> 00:58:38,682 HEART. 1107 00:58:38,682 --> 00:58:42,119 [ APPLAUSE ] 1108 00:58:42,119 --> 00:58:43,920 >> HEY, MAN, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE 1109 00:58:43,920 --> 00:58:44,221 DOING 1110 00:58:44,588 --> 00:58:46,289 WITH THE WHOLE FREE-SPIRITED 1111 00:58:46,289 --> 00:58:46,757 TEACHING THING. 1112 00:58:46,957 --> 00:58:47,457 AND THAT MIGHT WORK IN LIKE A 1113 00:58:47,457 --> 00:58:48,425 POETRY CLASS. 1114 00:58:48,425 --> 00:58:49,960 >> YES, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT. 1115 00:58:49,960 --> 00:58:52,095 >> YEAH, BUT THIS IS MATH. 1116 00:58:52,095 --> 00:58:53,163 >> RIGHT. 1117 00:58:53,163 --> 00:58:59,069 MATH. 1118 00:58:59,069 --> 00:59:00,971 YOU'VE PROBABLY ALL BEEN TAUGHT 1119 00:59:00,971 --> 00:59:04,174 THAT 5 TIMES 5 IS 25. 1120 00:59:04,174 --> 00:59:05,008 BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T? 1121 00:59:05,008 --> 00:59:05,809 >> IT IS THOUGH. 1122 00:59:05,809 --> 00:59:07,444 IT'S 25. 1123 00:59:07,444 --> 00:59:13,750 >> BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. 1124 00:59:13,750 --> 00:59:15,285 BOY RED, MAKE UP A NUMBER, A 1125 00:59:15,285 --> 00:59:18,422 NUMBER NO ONE'S HEARD OF BEFORE. 1126 00:59:18,422 --> 00:59:23,493 >> UM, BELEVENTY. 1127 00:59:23,493 --> 00:59:26,129 >> OH, EXCELLENT, HOW DID THAT 1128 00:59:26,129 --> 00:59:26,430 FEEL? 1129 00:59:26,830 --> 00:59:29,332 >> I MEAN, IT FELT WEIRD COMING 1130 00:59:29,332 --> 00:59:29,633 OUT. 1131 00:59:29,800 --> 00:59:30,934 >> AND IT SHOULD. 1132 00:59:30,934 --> 00:59:33,503 YOU, A NUMBER. 1133 00:59:33,503 --> 00:59:36,173 >> CHRISTOPHTHREE. 1134 00:59:36,173 --> 00:59:38,742 >> WONDERFUL. 1135 00:59:38,742 --> 00:59:40,076 NOW WHAT DO WE GET WHEN WE 1136 00:59:40,076 --> 00:59:47,317 ADD CHRISTOPHTHREE PLUS 1137 00:59:47,317 --> 00:59:47,684 BELEVENTY? 1138 00:59:47,784 --> 00:59:48,185 WHAT SHOULD IT BE? 1139 00:59:48,485 --> 00:59:52,355 >> OH, MAYBE FLU -- FLOOTY-TWO. 1140 00:59:52,355 --> 00:59:58,829 >> I HAVE CHILLS, FLOOTY-TWO, 1141 00:59:58,829 --> 00:59:59,096 YES. 1142 00:59:59,396 --> 00:59:59,996 NOW THAT'S MATH WITHOUT 1143 00:59:59,996 --> 01:00:00,397 CONFORMITY. 1144 01:00:00,697 --> 01:00:01,131 >> BUT MATH NEEDS TO CONFORM TO 1145 01:00:01,331 --> 01:00:03,733 SOLVE REAL-WORLD PROBLEMS. 1146 01:00:03,733 --> 01:00:05,902 >> OH, WE CAN SOLVE PROBLEMS 1147 01:00:05,902 --> 01:00:08,038 LIKE 30. 1148 01:00:08,038 --> 01:00:08,705 WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T 1149 01:00:08,705 --> 01:00:12,809 SOLVED 30 YET? 1150 01:00:12,809 --> 01:00:13,877 >> BECAUSE 30 IS NOT A PROBLEM. 1151 01:00:13,877 --> 01:00:17,047 IT'S A NUMBER. 1152 01:00:17,047 --> 01:00:21,451 >> WHAT IF ALL NUMBERS HAD A 1153 01:00:21,451 --> 01:00:21,852 COLOR? 1154 01:00:22,152 --> 01:00:25,188 WHAT IF I HOLD UP THIS MANY, AND 1155 01:00:25,188 --> 01:00:27,190 SAY IT WAS ORANGE? 1156 01:00:27,190 --> 01:00:27,891 AND THIS MANY WAS ONE OF THE 1157 01:00:27,891 --> 01:00:28,692 OTHER COLORS. 1158 01:00:28,692 --> 01:00:31,228 >> LILAC. 1159 01:00:31,228 --> 01:00:34,097 THAT'S MANY COULD BE LILAC. 1160 01:00:34,097 --> 01:00:36,566 >> YES, NOW YOU'VE MADE UP A 1161 01:00:36,566 --> 01:00:36,967 COLOR, TOO,. 1162 01:00:37,067 --> 01:00:39,169 LET'S TRY CALCULUS. 1163 01:00:39,169 --> 01:00:41,238 >> HEY, MAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEE 1164 01:00:41,238 --> 01:00:41,538 YOU DO 1165 01:00:41,938 --> 01:00:43,840 CALCULUS, YOU WERE COUNTING ON 1166 01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:44,774 YOUR FINGERS. 1167 01:00:44,774 --> 01:00:46,743 WEIR TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE. 1168 01:00:46,743 --> 01:00:47,477 >> WHY, SO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD 1169 01:00:47,477 --> 01:00:48,144 TO GET A JOB? 1170 01:00:48,144 --> 01:00:51,348 >> YES. 1171 01:00:51,348 --> 01:00:55,585 >> OR TO INVENT A MACHINE -- 1172 01:00:55,585 --> 01:00:57,354 >> IT WAS THE FIRST THING, THE 1173 01:00:57,354 --> 01:00:59,523 FIRST THING THAT YOU SAID. 1174 01:00:59,523 --> 01:01:02,092 >> THERE YOU GO, STUDENTS 1175 01:01:02,092 --> 01:01:02,859 TEACHING THE TEACHER. 1176 01:01:02,859 --> 01:01:04,961 I LOVE IT. 1177 01:01:04,961 --> 01:01:06,029 LET'S ALL GO AROUND, DO A 1178 01:01:06,029 --> 01:01:09,232 LESSON. 1179 01:01:09,232 --> 01:01:10,333 >> WHY DOES SPANISH MATH HAVE 1180 01:01:10,333 --> 01:01:12,469 QUATROS BUT NOT ENGLISH? 1181 01:01:12,469 --> 01:01:13,537 >> I DON'T KNOW, LET'S PUT IT 1182 01:01:13,537 --> 01:01:17,340 IN. 1183 01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:20,477 >> WHAT IF 1 AND 2 WERE MARRIED 1184 01:01:20,477 --> 01:01:21,211 AND 3 WAS THEIR BABY AND 4 WAS 1185 01:01:21,211 --> 01:01:26,283 THEIR NEIGHBOR. 1186 01:01:26,283 --> 01:01:28,952 >> WHAT WOULD 5 BE, LIKE THEIR 1187 01:01:28,952 --> 01:01:29,286 FRIEND? 1188 01:01:29,653 --> 01:01:30,020 >> I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I 1189 01:01:30,020 --> 01:01:31,054 DON'T KNOW! 1190 01:01:31,054 --> 01:01:32,155 THAT'S EVERYTHING I HAD. 1191 01:01:32,155 --> 01:01:34,291 I'M SORRY. 1192 01:01:34,291 --> 01:01:39,129 >> 5 WOULD BE THE DOG. 1193 01:01:39,129 --> 01:01:41,798 >> GENIUS. 1194 01:01:41,798 --> 01:01:44,467 YOU'RE A GENIUS. 1195 01:01:44,467 --> 01:01:46,970 CUSTODIAN, JOIN US. 1196 01:01:46,970 --> 01:01:47,437 PUT THAT DOWN. 1197 01:01:47,437 --> 01:01:50,040 >> OKAY. 1198 01:01:50,040 --> 01:01:52,375 >> SOMEBODY BUY THAT MAN A BEER 1199 01:01:52,375 --> 01:01:53,510 AFTER CLASS. 1200 01:01:53,510 --> 01:01:55,045 >> WE'RE 14! 1201 01:01:55,045 --> 01:01:58,982 >> I GOT ONE, WHEN COUNTING, WHY 1202 01:01:58,982 --> 01:02:01,851 -- WHAT IF YOU COULD COUNT EVERY 1203 01:02:01,851 --> 01:02:05,722 NUMBER IN ONE BREATH. 1204 01:02:05,722 --> 01:02:09,392 NEVER MIND, YOU CAN'T. 1205 01:02:09,392 --> 01:02:11,461 >> WHY CAN YOU DIVIDE 1206 01:02:11,461 --> 01:02:12,329 TWO NUMBERS BUT YOU CAN'T UNITE 1207 01:02:12,329 --> 01:02:15,298 TWO NUMBERS. 1208 01:02:15,298 --> 01:02:17,467 >> YOU CAN, IT'S ADDITION! 1209 01:02:17,467 --> 01:02:18,969 >> THIS MIGHT GET ME IN TROUBLE, 1210 01:02:18,969 --> 01:02:21,638 BUT I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO 8. 1211 01:02:21,638 --> 01:02:23,773 8 GOT THAT ITTY BITTY WAIST WITH 1212 01:02:23,773 --> 01:02:28,078 THAT THING DOWN BELOW. 1213 01:02:28,078 --> 01:02:31,781 >> YES, ACADEMICALLY SPEAKING, 8 1214 01:02:31,781 --> 01:02:36,286 IS SLIM THICK. 1215 01:02:36,286 --> 01:02:38,755 >> NO, NO, NO, NO! 1216 01:02:38,755 --> 01:02:40,957 THIS IS ALL NONSENSE. 1217 01:02:40,957 --> 01:02:43,727 WE'RE JUST MAKING CRAP UP. 1218 01:02:43,727 --> 01:02:45,629 WHY DON'T WE CALL THIS MY MOM. 1219 01:02:45,629 --> 01:02:46,696 HELLO MOMMY. 1220 01:02:46,696 --> 01:02:47,764 WHAT? 1221 01:02:47,764 --> 01:02:50,533 LOOK, MOTHER, THIS IS A DOOR, 1222 01:02:50,533 --> 01:02:54,404 AND I'M A BUTTERFLY AND I CAN 1223 01:02:54,404 --> 01:02:58,608 FLY -- 1224 01:02:58,608 --> 01:02:59,676 >> THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. 1225 01:02:59,676 --> 01:03:02,345 I WAS NOT HERE. 1226 01:03:02,345 --> 01:03:03,446 HE'S THE TEACHER. 1227 01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:06,082 GOOD DAY. 1228 01:03:06,082 --> 01:03:09,986 >> OKEY-DOKEY. 1229 01:03:09,986 --> 01:03:12,455 STUDENTS, WHY DON'T WE OPEN OUR 1230 01:03:12,455 --> 01:03:13,823 TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE FLOOTY-TWO. 1231 01:03:13,823 --> 01:03:19,229 TODAY WE ARE TALKING 8. 1232 01:03:31,207 --> 01:03:32,742 ♪♪ 1233 01:03:32,742 --> 01:03:34,344 >> WE'RE JUST FOUR NORMAL TEENS 1234 01:03:34,344 --> 01:03:35,745 LIVING IN THE SUBURBS. 1235 01:03:35,745 --> 01:03:37,847 >> BUT WE DO HAVE A SECRET. 1236 01:03:37,847 --> 01:03:39,916 >> WE TRANSFORM INTO ANIMALS TO 1237 01:03:39,916 --> 01:03:41,985 BATTLE EVIL ALIENS! 1238 01:03:41,985 --> 01:03:43,386 >> BUT WE ALWAYS TRANSFORM BACK 1239 01:03:43,386 --> 01:03:44,754 IN TIME FOR DINNER. 1240 01:03:44,754 --> 01:03:46,156 >> SAVING HUMANITY? 1241 01:03:46,156 --> 01:03:47,157 THAT'S EASY. 1242 01:03:47,157 --> 01:03:48,224 THE HARD PART? 1243 01:03:48,224 --> 01:03:50,360 IS OUR HOMEWORK! 1244 01:03:50,360 --> 01:03:55,165 >> WE'RE THE BEASTOMORPHS! 1245 01:03:55,165 --> 01:03:56,766 >> YOU CRAZY EARTH KIDS MAY 1246 01:03:56,766 --> 01:03:57,834 THINK YOU'VE SEEN THE LAST OF 1247 01:03:57,834 --> 01:03:59,436 ME, BUT I'LL BE BACK! 1248 01:03:59,436 --> 01:04:02,672 MUAHAHA! 1249 01:04:02,672 --> 01:04:05,308 >> GOOD JOB, GANG, WE SENT THAT 1250 01:04:05,308 --> 01:04:06,409 EVIL ALIEN CHUMONGOUS BACK TO 1251 01:04:06,409 --> 01:04:08,545 THE LOUSY PLANET HE CAME FROM. 1252 01:04:08,545 --> 01:04:10,413 >> UH-OH, IT'S 6:00 P.M., MOM'S 1253 01:04:10,413 --> 01:04:12,282 MEATLOAF IS WAITING FOR US. 1254 01:04:12,282 --> 01:04:18,722 >> LET'S BEASTOMORPH! 1255 01:04:18,722 --> 01:04:19,756 NICE. 1256 01:04:19,756 --> 01:04:20,824 AND MY HAIR DIDN'T EVEN GET 1257 01:04:20,824 --> 01:04:25,128 MESSED UP. 1258 01:04:25,128 --> 01:04:29,366 >> WHO'S CHICKEN NOW? 1259 01:04:29,366 --> 01:04:31,468 >> THIS LITTLE PIGGY KICKED SOME 1260 01:04:31,468 --> 01:04:32,535 ALIEN BUTT! 1261 01:04:32,535 --> 01:04:35,739 >> GOOD ONE, NOW MY TURN! 1262 01:04:35,739 --> 01:04:40,243 AAGHCHOO! 1263 01:04:40,243 --> 01:04:40,677 [ FART NOISE ] 1264 01:04:40,677 --> 01:04:41,010 >> AHH! 1265 01:04:41,010 --> 01:04:41,845 >> WHAT? 1266 01:04:41,845 --> 01:04:42,946 WHAT? 1267 01:04:42,946 --> 01:04:43,646 WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME 1268 01:04:43,646 --> 01:04:45,615 LIKE THAT? 1269 01:04:45,615 --> 01:04:46,683 LET ME GUESS, MY HAIR GOT MESSED 1270 01:04:46,683 --> 01:04:48,284 UP. 1271 01:04:48,284 --> 01:04:49,352 >> LIZZIE, DON'T FREAK OUT. 1272 01:04:49,352 --> 01:04:50,386 BUT WHEN YOU COMBINATION 1273 01:04:50,386 --> 01:04:51,488 SNEEZE-FARTED, YOU GOT STUCK 1274 01:04:51,488 --> 01:04:52,021 MID-MORPH. 1275 01:04:52,188 --> 01:04:53,123 >> YOU CAN'T SHOW UP FOR MOM'S 1276 01:04:53,123 --> 01:04:54,190 MEATLOAF LOOKING LIKE THAT. 1277 01:04:54,190 --> 01:04:55,258 >> BRITNEY, STOP. 1278 01:04:55,258 --> 01:04:56,893 WE ALL KNOW YOUR MOM'S GONE AND 1279 01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:59,028 YOU JUST EAT CHIPS. 1280 01:04:59,028 --> 01:05:00,096 >> I DON'T JUST EAT CHIPS. 1281 01:05:00,096 --> 01:05:01,698 I EAT CHIPS AND SODA. 1282 01:05:01,698 --> 01:05:02,766 >> WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT, GUYS! 1283 01:05:02,766 --> 01:05:06,903 LET'S PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER. 1284 01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:09,572 LIZZIE, CAN YOU JUST LOOK AT THE 1285 01:05:09,572 --> 01:05:10,173 WALL WHILE WE TALK? 1286 01:05:10,173 --> 01:05:11,207 >> SURE. 1287 01:05:11,207 --> 01:05:12,242 LITTLE HARD TO SEE. 1288 01:05:12,242 --> 01:05:13,309 I'M KIND OF LOOKING IN TWO 1289 01:05:13,309 --> 01:05:14,410 DIRECTIONS AT ONCE. 1290 01:05:14,410 --> 01:05:16,012 >> THINK GUYS, HOW CAN WE FIX 1291 01:05:16,012 --> 01:05:18,148 THIS? 1292 01:05:18,148 --> 01:05:18,848 >> MAYBE IF I SNEEZE AND FART 1293 01:05:18,848 --> 01:05:25,588 AGAIN, I CAN CHANGE BACK? 1294 01:05:25,588 --> 01:05:26,022 [ FART NOISE ] 1295 01:05:26,256 --> 01:05:26,723 >> LIZZIE, STOP, YOU'RE GONNA 1296 01:05:26,723 --> 01:05:27,323 HURT YOURSELF. 1297 01:05:27,424 --> 01:05:28,057 >> MAYBE IF I FART TWICE, SNEEZE 1298 01:05:28,057 --> 01:05:28,958 ONCE, THEN BURP? 1299 01:05:28,958 --> 01:05:29,292 AGCHOO. 1300 01:05:29,292 --> 01:05:33,563 SHOOT. 1301 01:05:33,563 --> 01:05:37,767 [ FART NOISE ] 1302 01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:38,835 >> YUCK. 1303 01:05:38,835 --> 01:05:41,070 >> THAT DIDN'T WORK. 1304 01:05:41,070 --> 01:05:41,404 >> OKAY. 1305 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:42,138 WHAT ABOUT SNEEZE, FART, PAUSE, 1306 01:05:42,438 --> 01:05:42,839 SPIN AROUND, FART THREE TIMES 1307 01:05:43,106 --> 01:05:43,540 QUICKLY, BURP ONCE, THEN FART 1308 01:05:43,540 --> 01:05:43,840 AGAIN? 1309 01:05:44,007 --> 01:05:44,340 >> DEFINITELY NOT. 1310 01:05:44,474 --> 01:05:44,841 MAYBE IF I DO IT? 1311 01:05:44,841 --> 01:05:48,011 >> YEAH. 1312 01:05:48,011 --> 01:05:51,281 >> GRRRRHHNNFF. 1313 01:05:51,281 --> 01:06:01,124 I HAVE TO GO HOME. 1314 01:06:01,124 --> 01:06:03,159 >> OH, NO CHUMONGOUS IS COMING. 1315 01:06:03,159 --> 01:06:04,294 IT'S TIME TO MORPH BACK! 1316 01:06:04,294 --> 01:06:06,296 >> THAT'S RIGHT. 1317 01:06:06,296 --> 01:06:09,632 THE GREAT CHUMONGOUS 1318 01:06:09,632 --> 01:06:10,133 HAS RETURNED. 1319 01:06:10,333 --> 01:06:11,201 YOU EARTH KIDS MAY HAVE THOUGHT 1320 01:06:11,201 --> 01:06:11,901 BUT DEFEATED ME BUT I'M MORE 1321 01:06:11,901 --> 01:06:12,802 POWERFUL THAN EV -- OH MY GOD, 1322 01:06:12,802 --> 01:06:13,436 IT SMELLS LIKE -- IN HERE. 1323 01:06:13,436 --> 01:06:14,404 >> SORRY, WE'VE ALL BEEN 1324 01:06:14,404 --> 01:06:15,104 SPINNING, FARTING AND BURPING 1325 01:06:15,104 --> 01:06:16,005 FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES. 1326 01:06:16,005 --> 01:06:16,539 >> WHY? 1327 01:06:16,673 --> 01:06:17,640 ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND, I DON'T 1328 01:06:17,640 --> 01:06:23,513 CARE. 1329 01:06:23,513 --> 01:06:25,648 PREPARE TO DIE YOU -- YOU 1330 01:06:25,648 --> 01:06:27,817 BEAUTIFUL CREATURE. 1331 01:06:27,817 --> 01:06:29,419 YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE MOST 1332 01:06:29,419 --> 01:06:32,088 PERFECT THING I'VE EVER SEEN. 1333 01:06:32,088 --> 01:06:33,156 >> YOU REALLY THINK SO? 1334 01:06:33,156 --> 01:06:35,258 >> YES. 1335 01:06:35,258 --> 01:06:37,927 THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM. 1336 01:06:37,927 --> 01:06:38,995 >> WHAT IS IT? 1337 01:06:38,995 --> 01:06:40,063 >> THAT FROG HAND AIN'T GOT MY 1338 01:06:40,063 --> 01:06:41,097 THING IN IT. 1339 01:06:41,097 --> 01:06:42,765 >> EW, DUDE. 1340 01:06:42,765 --> 01:06:43,800 >> SORRY, IS THAT LIKE A BIG 1341 01:06:43,800 --> 01:06:45,401 DEAL FOR YOU GUYS? 1342 01:06:45,401 --> 01:06:46,469 THAT'S LIKE LESS THAN FIRST BASE 1343 01:06:46,469 --> 01:06:49,239 WHERE I'M FROM. 1344 01:06:49,239 --> 01:06:51,140 WHERE I'M FROM, IF YOU GO 1345 01:06:51,140 --> 01:06:51,841 VISIT YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN THE 1346 01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:52,575 HOSPITAL, YOU LEAN OVER AND YOUR 1347 01:06:52,575 --> 01:06:53,276 GRANDMA JUST GRABS YOUR THING. 1348 01:06:53,276 --> 01:06:54,244 OUT OF RESPECT. 1349 01:06:54,244 --> 01:06:57,046 >> WHAT? 1350 01:06:57,046 --> 01:06:58,081 >> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? 1351 01:06:58,081 --> 01:06:58,948 WANT TO BE MY QUEEN OF 1352 01:06:58,948 --> 01:06:59,516 CHUMONGIA? 1353 01:06:59,649 --> 01:07:03,119 >> WELL, IT SURE BEATS HOMEWORK. 1354 01:07:03,119 --> 01:07:04,120 ACHOO! 1355 01:07:04,120 --> 01:07:08,524 >> AHHH! 1356 01:07:29,779 --> 01:07:31,881 Thank you. 1357 01:07:31,881 --> 01:07:33,116 Thank you. 1358 01:07:33,116 --> 01:07:37,353 Thank you. 1359 01:07:37,353 --> 01:07:39,289 Tonight. 1360 01:07:39,289 --> 01:07:43,826 Tonight is for all the little boys in the inner cities. 1361 01:07:43,826 --> 01:07:49,165 All the little girls and small corners of Brazil. 1362 01:07:49,165 --> 01:07:53,870 Who. Tonight is for the dreamers. 1363 01:07:53,870 --> 01:07:54,904 Tonight is for the people 1364 01:07:54,904 --> 01:07:58,041 who bring light into the world, especially 1365 01:07:58,041 --> 01:07:59,175 Lorne Michaels. 1366 01:07:59,175 --> 01:08:03,913 And this beautiful cast. 1367 01:08:03,913 --> 01:08:05,815 Thank you to the band. 1368 01:08:05,815 --> 01:08:06,816 Thank you to everyone 1369 01:08:06,950 --> 01:08:10,853 who came to come together in a dark room and just laugh 1370 01:08:10,853 --> 01:08:17,126 when we need more left in the world. Oh. 1371 01:08:17,126 --> 01:08:19,329 This has been an epic night. 1372 01:08:19,329 --> 01:08:20,730 And we want to send you away 1373 01:08:20,730 --> 01:08:24,667 with a big ol kiss and love and to love on each other. 1374 01:08:24,667 --> 01:08:27,670 Thank you so much to every single one of you 1375 01:08:27,670 --> 01:08:33,810 in this journey. 1376 01:08:33,810 --> 01:08:36,946 Good night.