All right. Are you listening?
Okay, so I think I'll start with.
Open the effing straight, you crazy bastards,
or you'll be living in hell.
And then at the end, maybe throw in. Praise be to Allah.
You think I should type? Praise be to Allah. And that's from.
That's from you.
The president of the United States. Yes. Yes. Allah.
They say Allah.
It's a sarcastic attack on the world's largest religion.
They famously have
a great sense of humor about that kind of stuff.
As your press secretary,
this puts me in a tough position, sir.
Oh, don't worry about that, Caroline.
Like I said, to Pam Bondi and Kristi
Noem right before I fired them. You're doing a terrific job.
Thank you, sir. I love you, too.
All three of those were played by Ashley.
It's an interesting detail.
Now, there are a lot of important
things happening in the world right
now, and I have to make some urgent phone calls.
Hello, Tiger.
It's Donald.
What's going on, buddy?
Are you playing in the Masters this weekend? No, sir.
I don't know if you remember,
but I, flipped my car and got a DUI.
Oh, right.
A Dewey,
as in Dewey. Drive on pills? Yes, he do.
That's a good one, Mr. President.
You should have told the cops we were friends.
Who wouldn't let you off. Well, I did, and they didn't.
If only there was something I could have done to help.
Oh, well, what a place of golf.
I'm actually at a rehab facility in Switzerland at the moment.
Oh, and how's the course there?
Oh, well, actually, there's no golf. You see, I don't know why.
Okay.
Who else? Oh, wait. Who is this? I don't recognize the number.
Hello. Hello, Donald. Melania You█re calling me?
That's not a good sign.
Hey, listen, I decided I should do a big random speech
completely out of nowhere and say I am not Epstein victim.
Is that good?
Darling, I gotta admit, that sounds a little insane.
Who are you? Me?
Well, it's not just Epstein. I thought I could also say I.
Melania Trump
in no way helped out the Gilgo beach serial killer.
That way, no one is suspicious.
Darling, I think that's going to make
everyone way more suspicious. Okay, okay.
What if I announce I barely parted with Diddy
Would that help?
You know, Melania, I'd really love to talk more,
but I have a meeting with, Ronald Reagan.
Let's see.
Anything else I forgetting? There's got to be something.
All right.
The war.
What?
Pete
President Trump was, I was,
in that in the 90s.
Sorry, Mr.
President, I didn't know it was you.
I just said unknown caller.
So I figured I'd just answer and say a couple military secrets.
That's wonderful. That's great.
So what's the latest on that whole thing we're doing in Iran?
Rest assured, sir,
Iran is as obliterated as me every Saturday night. Allegedly.
We've destroyed everything.
We wet their willies, tap their sax, and purple.
Every single nurple.
You also probably heard that I want to start a draft again,
which is a great sign for the cease fire.
Yeah, except this time we're fighting millennial cringe
by letting 40 year olds join the military.
Yeah, put that finger mustache to work. Pulling a trigger.
Really good. Really good.
That's great.
That one for sure hits with me.
But, sir, you know, I got to ask, is it true what I heard?
Are you actually negotiating with these herbs?
You know what? Don't worry about the negotiations.
I just heard they're going really, really bad.
I sent in my secret weapon, J.D.
Vance, after those Iranians spent 20 hours talking to J.D.,
they said, please, sir, just go back to bombing us.
Yeah. Very good. Sir.
Even hearing about someone
getting bombed just got me hard as hell.
That's great. That's great. I'm bricked as well.
All right, well, keep up the good work, Pete.
And, hey, if you think of a good reason
why we went to war, could you let me know?
Well, honestly, sir, if I were you, I'd probably
just tell them we did it all for the nookie. Why the nookie?
Come on.
But we can take their oil and stick it in our car.
Stick it in our cars.
If you. In our cars, $7 a gallon. Hegseth out
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, THIS IS
SATURDAY NIGHT!
♪♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
MUSICAL GUEST ANITTA.
AND YOUR HOST, COLMAN DOMINGO!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COLMAN
DOMINGO!
♪♪
Whew!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.
I am so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live.
Now, I have been an actor since the 90s.
So you may be sitting here thinking,
what do I know him from?
And it's probably because I've been
in a lot of different things, you know, Fear the Walking
Dead, Four Seasons, Lincoln, Sing Sing
I was Carly and iCarly.
I was inside C-3po, shooting star Wars,
and I am also your uncle.
See, here's me at your cousin's wedding in 1994.
The point is, I'm practically in everything.
Like raisins at a Caucasian cookout.
And I love how I can always guess what people know me from.
You know, if you're a Latin, bro.
I'm like, oh, fear the walking dead.
But if it's a girl under 20 or,
creepy dude over 30, that's euphoria.
So sure, I'm an actor, but what I'm most known for is
when you come to my house, the vibes are spectacular.
And tonight,
I'm going to make you feel like you're at my house.
So let's get a vibe going.
Oh whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
Music has a vibe. And that just happened.
How about the lights?
Let's get some lighting.
That's extremely flattering for people of color.
Oh. Much better.
Leon and I look great, right, Leon?
Now for the camera.
Can I get a sexy, slow push on this thing?
Also, I'm 56, so boom the hell up.
There it is. Oh.
Look how adorable I am now.
My word.
And this works for everybody. Jeremy, get out of here.
Right.
Now, Jeremy.
Look into that camera.
He looks fine.
No offense, but boom up.
Oh, yeah. Hey,
it almost work.
Wow. The vibe is getting really good. Really good.
But is it sexy enough? Now, what is?
So let's see how the vibe is working for our guests. Ooh!
Hey, ma'am.
What brings you here tonight?
I got tickets from someone who works here.
Oh. Inside connection.
That's hot.
I like the vibe. Was it someone in the cast?
No, it was a writer.
Don't tell people that.
Wow. The vibe is down here, on point, but looks like
I made them too good, cause those people are making out.
Ooh, they're straight.
You don't see that every day.
Well, everybody, I think we kind of did it.
I think we nailed the vibe. So let's wrap this up, baby.
At my house,
I always end the party the same way
by telling everybody to get the hell out
so I can take a fiber pill and go to bed.
But not tonight, babies, cause we got a show to do.
So boom! Up.
We got a great show for you tonight.
Anitta is here. So stick around and we'll be right back.
Good evening.
I'm Wesley Welch and you're watching New York one coming up.
It's almost summer.
We've got five spots where you can experience
that famous NYC hot urine smell for yourself.
But first, our top story.
A bank robbery occurred in the fashion district earlier today.
Our own Amy Asher is live on the scene. Amy.
Thank you. Wes.
It was around noon that the sounds of gunfire
erupted outside of a bank here on 26th Street.
Miraculously, nobody was injured.
But bystanders were shaken,
including this group of students and faculty
from the Fashion Institute of Design next door.
Let's speak to them and their teacher,
D'Artagnan Moran.
I don't teach, I show.
I am the lesson.
Got it? Now, can you describe the suspect?
I would say 30, 32.
Maybe so. Fairly young. No, not in age, honey.
Waist and inseam. What else could I have been referring to?
I apologize. Could you describe his clothing?
Yes. Boho.
Derogatory. Could you be more specific?
Why? He sure as hell wasn't. Oh, speak on it.
Listen, listen.
I mean, at night,
the look was all over the place and baggy to a fault.
My man was swimming in that fit.
Swimming.
Try drowning.
Who was that?
Oh that's Holly point.
The dean who was going to have that.
Okay.
So I really want to give our viewers as clear
a description of the suspect as possible.
Be on the lookout for a Mess
Again I'm not really understanding.
Excuse you. I was not done speaking.
Class, help this woman. Describe the man's drip. Delaney.
This.
It must have been in the unemployment line
because it was not working.
Good. Rothko.
The fit was giving style by Stevie. Stevie Wonder.
Yes, yes, yes.
Gabby.
He had, like, a hoodie.
And like Gabby, you are not cut out for this.
Go to a normal college.
Look, the clothes were disaster, but the accessories.
Eight down.
The accessories. His gun. Woman.
What else could I have been talking about?
Oh, you're getting smoke in my face.
You're getting your face in my smoke.
Anti way.
The gun was a tasteful matte black color
that he paired with a brown belt in spring.
Oh no baby on alive yourself
Okay, a brown belt.
That's a good detail.
Any more specifics
on the color of his clothing? The colors
flirted with boldness, but couldn't get her in bed.
Yes. Delaney. Roscoe, the colors were a statement.
And that statement was mama raised a dumb ass.
Yes. Roscoe.
Gabby.
His jeans were like dark blue.
Gabby dropped out.
I beg you, go back to Connecticut.
But I like fashion.
You have no future in this industry. None. Zilch.
Oh, I like fashion.
Well, I like pornography, but I do it as a hobby, not a career.
Okay, okay.
Can you please just describe this suspect in a normal way?
No, but I snapped a photo of the crime being committed.
Oh please show that. Oh.
Oh there the crime of the century.
If you're going to be thoughtless
and cross invest in some lotion.
His heels were drier than saltines.
In fact when the police asked which way he went
I said follow that trail of parmesan okay.
All right, all right. Enough. Let's just forget the clothes.
Believe me, I'm trying.
Authorities have urged the public
to remain vigilant as a suspect is still at large.
Try extra stop. Stop crossing my frame.
Jesus Christ.
If you have any information
on the suspect, please contact police.
And I hope the police do to him
what he should have done to those raggedy ass jeans.
Cuff them.
More as the story develops. West.
Thanks, Amy. I learned a lot from the story.
You know, hoping that maybe now
that I stepped up my drip, you might reconsider my offer.
Your offer to be friends.
But hook up when your wife's out of town.
Yeah, my answer is still no.
Reconsider, honey,
you could do worse, but you won't do better okay.
What is your problem with me?
Everything is your everything. Your hair, the face, the.
>>> AFTER I GOT DIVORCED, I HIT
ROCK BOTTOM.
>> I WAS DEPRESSED.
>> I LOST MY CONFIDENCE.
>> I WASN'T MYSELF.
>> AS A MAN, THERAPY NEVER
SEEMED LIKE A REAL OPTION.
>> PLUS THERE'S NO WAY TO AFFORD
THAT NOW.
>> THEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT UNIQUE
CUTS.
>> BLACK BARBER SHOPS IS A
RADICALLY NEW ALTERNATIVE TO
MENTAL HEALTH TREATMENT FOR
WHITE GUYS WITHOUT THE STIGMA.
>> AT FIRST I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
TO MAKE OF IT, BUT THEY
WELCOMED ME IN.
>> SIT YOUR GOOFY ASS DOWN.
>> YOU BET.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU
WERE BEFORE YOU WALKED IN, THEY
ALLOW YOU TO HAVE A FRESH START.
>> HE LOOK LIKE THAT BOY, WHAT'S
HIS NAME?
>> DAHMER.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> WE'RE GOING TO CALL YOU
JEFFREY DAHMER.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> GET YOUR JEFFREY DAHMER
LOOKING ASS UP.
>> LOOK AT ALL THIS BABY HAIR.
>> I'VE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME
OPENING UP AND
TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS, BUT
THEY MADE IT EASY, LIKE THEY
WERE READING MY MIND.
>> LITTLE EPSTEIN HERE.
>> MY NAME IS DAVID.
>> LITTLE EPSTEIN,
YOU WANT YOUR WIFE BACK, HIT IT
BETTER.
COUPLE OF COCONUT WATERS AND
WEAR THAT ASS OUT.
YOU GOTTA GET THAT LEG UP.
CLAP CLAP CLAP.
>> LIKE THAT.
>> WE WERE HAVING INTIMACY
ISSUES IN THE BEDROOM AND IT WAS
HARD FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE MY
NEEDS TO TARA.
THEN MY BARBER SAID --
>> CHEAT.
>> WHAT?
CAN'T DO THAT.
>> YOU GAY OR SOME?
>> NO.
>> OUR SEX LIFE IS THRIVING.
HE'S EVEN LIFTING HIS LEG UP
LIKE CLAP CLAP CLAP.
>> TRADITIONAL THERAPY COSTS
HUNDREDS AN HOUR.
BUT THE HOMIES AT UNIQUE ONLY
COST 50 BUCKS.
I CAN STAY THERE ALL DAY, EVEN
DO SOME SHOPPING.
>> 100% SEA MOSS, MY GIRL MAKES
IT RIGHT OUT OF THE OCEAN.
CAN CURE COVID AND ECZEMA.
>> IT FORCES YOU TO COME OUT OF
YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
>> IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT ME
TO SAY.
>> ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION, WHO
WOULD YOU RATHER CLAP, PAM OR
GINA.
>> I TOLD YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHO
THOSE LADIES ARE.
>> COME ON, MAN.
>> NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS CAN
SEEM, MY DOGS CAN ALWAYS PUT
THINGS
BACK IN PERSPECTIVE FOR ME.
>> MY TWO LITTLES ARE STARTING
PRIVATE SCHOOL, I HAVE TO PAY
FOR THAT.
AND SHEILA WANTS A NEW KITCHEN.
I'M IN A REAL PICKLE.
OH, MY GOD.
>> LIL TERRY GOT SHOT AGAIN.
>> NO LEGS TERRY?
>> THOUGHT HE WAS IN JAIL.
>> HE CAME HOME A WEEK AGO.
SOMEBODY SAID HE CAUGHT HIS WIFE
IN BED WITH A PASTOR OR
SOMETHING.
ANYWAY, YOU WERE TELLING ME
ABOUT YOUR LITTLE PICKLE.
>> I'D SAY IT'S NOTHING,
ACTUALLY.
>> MAN, WE JUST WANTED A SPOT
FOR BROTHERS TO KICK BACK, TALK
A LITTLE MESS, GET A DRINK ON.
PLUS WHEN YOU LOOK GOOD, YOU
FEEL GOOD, THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL
ABOUT.
A MAN WANT TO FEEL GOOD.
>> ALL RIGHT, HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.
>> SEE YOU NEXT WEEKEND.
>> BY THE WAY, FELLOWS, I'D
SMASH PAM ALL DAY.
>> YEAH!
>> CLAP CLAP.
>> BLACK BARBER SHOPS, GET YOUR
MENTAL HEALTH LINED UP.
Hi there.
This is Artemis two pilot Victor Glover.
We're on day nine of ten and we're almost home.
Speaking of home, if you look out our window here,
you'll see a familiar sight. Earth.
Seeing a pretty planet like this is pretty profound.
Being a man of faith,
this is certainly brought me closer to God.
Oh, come on, guys, you got to Velcro your snacks to the wall.
Those Pringles are those.
Oh, those are mine. No, no, those are my Pringles.
No, no, no. Finders keepers, you loser.
No! Give them to me now! No, dude. Okay, fine.
Here, you can have them. Just kidding. No, dude.
Hey, hey, I'm recording a thoughtful video.
Can you guys stop messing around, please?
I'm sorry, Victor, it's just it's day
nine and we're just kind of bored. Okay, bye.
Canada slaps.
Us. Hey, there's a quote from legendary
Apollo astronaut Jim Lovell that I'd like to read. Oh.
We do not realize what we have on Earth until we leave it.
Let me tell you, those words have very different right now.
Hey, guys.
Christina fell asleep unvelcroed again.
Someone stick her ass to the wall, please.
Seeing Earth out the window,
this beautiful blue ball and a sea of darkness
really gives one pause.
I'm so sorry, Victor. We have to get this on camera.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is no Hans hat.
You're not going to believe this, Victor.
Oh, no hands have no hands.
Oh oh. Oh, no!
Does that.
Victor, are you proud of us?
Reed Hansen, what are you doing?
We're doing experiments. Victor. Okay.
Was breaking the toilet an experiment too?
I'm sorry about the toilet, Victor.
The toilet doesn't make any sense. Okay. Go away.
Let me lock in.
Okay. Sorry, but before we go, check this out.
Victor, check this out. Watch this, watch this.
Oh!
Victor, don't look at it. Oh!
I'd like to read another quote
from another great astronaut, Sally ride.
Looking back at Earth from orbit makes you realize
how fragile our existence truly is.
Oh, my God, are you guys serious?
You fools drew on poor Christina's face.
Two grown men turning our mission
specialists into Harry Potter.
Shame on you.
Sorry about that, folks.
When you see Earth like this,
it makes you realize how lucky we are to live here.
So I just sneezed, and this happened.
I mean, this is fully happening right now.
Okay, that's kind of amazing.
Yeah. All right, make sure you get a picture of that.
Oh, I will, I will.
Hey, Victor might be stuck in the tomb again.
I don't know what to do. This guy keep sucking it again.
You gotta get it off you.
Victor, please, I don't know, figure it out.
I'm doing my video. What have you figured out?
My baby. Please, Victor.
All right, I'm going to make this quick
because folks are going space crazy.
My one hope for everyone on earth is this.
I'm pulling him by,
Up and screw it.
Video over. Everyone be kind to each other. The end.
Hello there.
I'm Henry debris.
What if I told you there are more trees on Earth
than stars in the Milky Way?
What if I told you that a magnitude 12 earthquake
would split the world in two?
Oh, what if I told you this table is a man?
How cool is that?
I love stuff like that.
Thank you to our props department for indulging me.
It just goes to show not everything is as it seems.
Admire this simple piece of coral.
Now, what if I told you it's a seahorse?
Surprised?
What if I told you a cloud can weigh over 1 million pounds?
What if I told you this clock is a man?
Clock?
I mean, this clock.
God gets me every time.
I think it's awesome. It's just awesome. Never gets old.
Speaking of old,
did you know our pupils get smaller as we age?
So do our sweat glands.
What if I told you that the atoms inside
you are a billion years old?
What if I told you these books are a man?
What if I told you
the fire is my niece?
And that this simple vase
is none other than City Councilman Keith Hawkins.
Wait a minute.
Hello? Hello.
Oh my God. Where's Keith?
This is just the vase. Now, I look like an idiot.
Now it look like, I don't know, Keith Hawkins. Samuel.
I'm sorry, Mr. Debris.
The councilman was called away on city business.
Oh! Damn it.
Well, you should have told me. Damn it!
I'm so mad I can hit you over the head with this potted plant.
Oh, that's a man.
What? I want it to be an object.
It's a man, and vice versa.
Well. That's rich.
That's really, really rich.
Okay, everyone out. Oh!
What if I told you I really wanted this to go well?
What if I told you someone special is watching
a girl and I knew in college.
What if I told you she was hot?
Lily.
Oh, we were,
Mr. debris, Mr. Brown. I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was at the zoo.
One of the polar bears ate a kid.
I should specify a baby goat.
It was his food. He was supposed to.
It doesn't matter, Councilman. I'm ending the show.
I blew the whole budget
trying to impress some chick from 40 years ago. I'm pathetic
What if I told you
you're not?
What?
What if I told you you're a great man
who gets a kick out of good old fashioned American surprise,
No one could love a man like that.
What if I told you I could?
I'm no Lily, but I'm here
dressed up like a vase with flowers on my head.
Because two weeks ago,
I had a sexual dream about us that blew up my marriage.
I'm not perfect, and I don't know if I'm gay,
but I'd like to get married and find out.
What if I told you? Yes.
And what if I told you that painting
is an ordained minister?
Good evening.
I now pronounce you husband and vase.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Anita.
♪♪
Acelerada.
Así, con voz alta.
Lo que puedan pensar sobre la espalda.
Todos serán varón, pero cae.
Esto no va a parar hasta que estalle.
Jogar tinta.
Tão pequenininha, mas pode te dar uma volta.
Cai na toca, Cai na toca, Toca da capota.
Sonado. Todo. Todos.
Dos. A la hora de hacer esto han echado
a volar. Fue demasiado.
Los pobres que se alistan, aunque no estén invitados.
♪♪
Se eles saíram para curtir o baile,
elas vão encontrar a majestade.
Chaca chaca.
Tão pequenininha.
Mas posso te dar uma volta a toda para tocar,
tocar a gaivota.
♪♪
O quão ela vai ama ler
e não fica contente em ter o que ela quer?
♪♪
Choca, Choca cuerpo con cuerpo.
Boca. Convoca. Choca.
Choca con. De todo.
Con cuerpo.
Boca con boca.
♪♪
Cada que Boca.
♪♪
Toca boca.
It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you.
Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost.
Today the United States held peace negotiations with Iran.
But then just an hour ago, President Trump posted,
if Iran doesn't agree to peace,
the greatest military of all time. Hours.
Well, f Iran right up there. Strait of Hormuz.
Assalamualaikum. You crazy bastards.
Now, I completely made that up.
But isn't it kind of disturbing that you all totally believe.
That he had posted that.
President Trump did genuinely issue a post
threatening to destroy Iran's entire civilization,
and then ended with the phrase praise be to Allah.
And I know that almost sounds makes Trump
sound like he is a radical terrorist.
But remember,
Trump has already been to a Paradise with 72 virgins.
There is growing
confusion over
whether Israel being allowed to continue bombing
Lebanon was part of the cease fire with Iran.
Ultimately, that decision comes down
to the man controlling our military. Benjamin Netanyahu.
Earlier tonight, J.D.
Vance announced that the U.S.
and Iran have ended negotiations without a deal
after talking for 21 hours straight.
And guys, I think they're done for real.
Based on how his mascara's running.
Before the talks fell apart.
President Trump
warned Iran about making any more demands,
saying the Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards.
They're literally holding a straight.
Kick.
J.D. Vance was asked.
Cadence was asked about Iran's right to enrich uranium.
And he made kind of a weird analogy.
Watch
the right.
Plane.
What the hell are you talking about?
The only thing that makes sense
in that entire analogy is that we can all understand J.D.
Vance, his wife, having the urge to jump.
First Lady Melania Trump made a rare public statement
to deny reports that Jeffrey Epstein
introduced her to Donald Trump because they actually met
when Trump cracked open her shipping container.
On Friday, the Artemis two astronauts returned safely
from their ten day trip around the Hollywood soundstage.
During the mission, the crew of Artemis
two sent back pictures of the rarely seen Dark
Side of the moon, revealing that the moon has a rat tail.
He wanted more out of that.
The justice.
The Justice Department has formed a task force
intended to eradicate anti-Christian bias,
which hopefully works better than the church's strategy
of molesting it out of the.
California police have arrested a man who allegedly threw
a molotov cocktail at the home of ChatGPT
founder, Sam Altman, after ChatGPT told him.
That's a great idea.
Yesterday, Kamala Harris said she is thinking
about running for president again, and I like her chances
as long as she finally grows that penis.
How's that? Oh.
I tried to keep a straight face as long as I could help.
Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr announced
that he is launching a new podcast.
The podcast is called,
No Rabbit.
Rabbit.
It's it's catchy.
Yesterday, report showed inflation spiked to its highest
point in four years due to the war in Iran.
Here to comment are two kids from the back of the school bus.
Yo, yo.
What's up? It's a joke. The show's. Hey,
guys.
Calm down. Calm down. Okay.
You're here to talk about inflation, okay? Right?
Right.
Well, but first, can I just use your phone real quick, Mr.
Jost? I'm sorry. I got confiscated.
Well, why did your phone get confiscated?
I don't know, I, I didn't do nothing.
I didn't do nothing. You've got him. Do nothing to do nothing.
I don't know what you think. If I didn't do nothing,
I don't know. I find that hard to believe. Okay, fine.
I posted a video of me
swiping a debit card between the bus drivers.
Neck Folds
it was like a pack of hot dogs. It was like.
I mean like.
Where you know what?
Because this is Serious. This is Serious
This is serious okay.
What are you guys you got to focus up okay okay.
So okay.
Seriously seriously okay.
Inflation was up 3.3%. Prices are out of control.
Everyone has been affected.
Even my boy grab on. Can't afford these groceries.
Not for real. I feel bad for God. Bone.
Life is tough. Yeah.
Oh my God, who's Gabon?
Oh, Gabon is a friend of ours. Is Gabon these nuts?
Hahahahahahahaha
Has a head got your house?
Yeah.
I really don't appreciate
being shot in the face a bunch of times.
Also, you supposed to come out here
and talk about the inflation report?
You've had this assignment for weeks now, Jimmy.
Choo choo choo choo choo choo. Right now chill out.
Let me lock in Lackey and let him go okay.
Inflation report right.
Let me ask you a basic question of economic basing. Basic.
You got it. You got it, you got it. I got lock in, man.
All right, you got it.
Let me ask your basic question of economics. Okay? Okay. Great.
Yeah. Would you rather eat 100 glizzys
or pass away from big booty disease?
Good question. Good question.
I guess I would obviously choose the glizzy.
Oh, no, Mr. Johnson. Glizzy. God, I.
You nasty bro.
More. All right, you guys. Sir, you're too rowdy.
Okay, you guys need to calm down, okay, fine.
Jokes aside, I don't think this inflation
will predicate a noticeable shift in the Federal Reserve.
Yeah, but it does
put the fed between
a rock and a hard place, because that's more,
low inflation while still encouraging economic growth.
The hell, is that?
You guys, like, secretly smart?
Yes. Dude, we get tutoring from Amanda Gold.
She's a genius. You know, Amanda Gold, who? It wasn't.
Who is Amanda? Amanda gold. Deez nuts.
Yeah. You got him?
Got him. Bitch!
That is a enough. You know what? I'm calling your mom.
I do not do anything.
I didn't even do nothing. I can't even do nothing.
What? You call your mom over here? I didn't do nothing.
Well, please.
No, cause you gonna hate me.
Please, please, please, please do not hit him.
Okay? Oh, we're sorry, Mr. Jones. Okay. We didn't mean it.
Have you ever considered
how our home lives affect our behavior? Yeah.
Did you ever stop to think why we are the way that we are?
Wow. You know, I guess, I guess I haven't.
I apologize,
I guess I can be insensitive sometimes
because when I was younger, I was diagnosed with ligma.
Ligma. Yeah.
It's, ligma fat nuts. Oh, no no no no no.
Third of all for both of world.
Oh my God.
You know,
we're, you know, two kids in the back of the school bus.
Everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm at the king bits on this. Oh.
Okay.
Why do you have fat nuts, man?
A new study has gone.
A new study reveals that sharks in the Bahamas
have tested positive for painkillers.
In fact, the only animals that consume
more painkillers are tigers.
A new report finds that the state
with the most adult children
still living with their parents is new Jersey.
Adult children in new Jersey are calling their report Mar.
Why are you going to tell them that for?
Good.
British officials have blocked
from entering the country to perform any music festival,
despite his offer to meet with members
of England's Jewish community,
which he thinks are the band goblins from Harry Potter.
It was announced that when King Charles visits the US
this month, he will deliver a joint address
to Congress where, God willing, he offers to take us back.
The Google Beach Killer has pleaded guilty
to eight murders on Long Island.
And honey, I hope one of them was your barber.
You like a sassy I am okay.
Yes, I do.
A number of bars around the country
have implemented a policy banning cell phones.
This according to a recent lie.
A man told his wife.
A video has surfaced in which a quadruple amputee
cornhole champion accused of a road rage
shooting is seen firing a semi-automatic rifle
and standing on his head
snorting drugs off a dollar bill.
So what's stopping you from living your best life?
Okay.
A pig a pig named Merlin that can talk
using Preprogramed buttons has set a new world
record for largest Instagram following for a pig.
And that sets a record for smartest pork chop.
He's still got that mustache on your finger.
Doctors are warning against the tick tock trend and
doctors are warning against a Tik Tok trend,
which claims people can cure their hemorrhoids
by putting sugar on their anus, putting sugar on an anus
is also the recipe for Hostess Donuts.
You can't unsee it.
Speaking of, a new book on healthy bowel movements
has been published called You've Been Pooping All Wrong
and They're Right.
I have there.
Oh, boy.
A new study has shown that young people today
are having less than at any other point in history.
Here to comment is Gen Z Sexpert Lynn Greer.
Hi, Michael.
Hi, Michael. So, sex.
Let's talk about it.
Sex is an incredible piece of the human experience,
and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
Whether you're vanilla or disgusting.
So you're here to teach Gen Z about healthy sex practices?
Yes. And sex can look like anything.
What is it?
Are you going to tell us?
Of course. Michael, let's get granular. Sex can be any shape.
It doesn't have to be with someone you love.
It just has to be at night.
And you say you're a sex educator, right?
I am. Sex is complicated. It's impossible to understand.
Which is why my sex advice is just do whatever.
I guess I would hope that as an educator,
you'd have some guidance beyond. Just do whatever.
Well, there are only two rules in sex.
One have fun and two.
No raping. Whoa.
Whoa. You disagree? Okay.
No I'm not. I don't think.
I just mean that came out of nowhere.
Well, raping can come out of nowhere.
Okay. Now sex. Let's get into it. What is it?
You keep asking that to echo the same as quote.
I can't define sex, but I know it when I'm having it.
Well,
I have a question. And don't take this the wrong way, but
have you had sex before?
I must have.
If I had it, how would I know all of this?
All of what?
Look, it's okay if you haven't put it this way.
I've had something that might be sex,
and I've had it a lot.
If I haven't had sex, then what do you think I had?
Is that, like, a riddle or something? No.
Here's how it went.
It's night, my friend is there. But I don't love him. Okay.
I get on my hands and knees, curl my head down
towards the bed, kick my legs up and go all the way over.
Then I fall back, breathless.
That sounds like you did a somersault.
Yes, sex can look like anything.
Yeah, but not anything.
Well, here's something else I had.
And I wonder if it was sex. Go for it.
I sat on a catcher's mitt. That's not sex.
But it left me breathless.
Here, everybody just do whatever.
But weekend update, I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.
Just do whatever. Colin. The night. That.
>>> I WAS JUST LOOKING THROUGH
THE PHOTO BOOKS.
SEEMS LIKE GRANDPA WAS AN
AMAZING GUY.
>> HE WAS, HONEY.
I'LL MISS HIM.
>> I FEEL BAD, LIKE GROWING UP
IN FLORIDA, I NEVER
REALLY GOT TO KNOW GRANDPA.
>> HE WAS A DIFFICULT MAN TO
KNOW.
HE HAD HIS GROUP OF FRIENDS.
THAT'S REALLY IT.
HOPE SOME OF THEM SHOW UP TODAY.
>> HELLO, KATIE.
HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE NOW.
>> THANK YOU, FATHER.
>> THAT WAS FATHER MURPHY FROM
MY PARISH.
SWEET OF HIM TO COME.
LOOK WHO IT IS.
OH.
>> UM, UM, UM.
I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.
>> YOUR FATHER WILL BE MISSED.
HEAVEN HAS GAINED A FREAKY
LITTLE ANGEL TODAY.
OH, THINGS CAME OUT A LITTLE
DIFFERENT WITH THESE TWO.
>> MOM, WHO WAS THAT?
>> THAT WAS SUEDE.
>> HOW DOES GRANDPA KNOW SUEDE?
>> SUEDE WAS ONE OF HIS FRIENDS
FROM THE LIFE.
OH, HI.
CRYSTALINE, TRIBECA, YOU CAME.
>> HEY, SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
>> WE BROUGHT A FEW ITEMS WE
THOUGHT HE'D LIKE TO BRING TO
THE BEYOND.
YOU MIND IF WE CASKET HIM?
>> GO RIGHT AHEAD, GIRLS.
>> THANKS.
>> CAN'T FORGET MY PURSE.
>> OH,
I'M SURE WHEREVER HE IS, HE'S
LOOKING UP AT THOSE GIRLS
SMILING.
LOOKING UP?
MOM, WAS GRANDPA SOME KIND OF
LIKE PIMP?
>> YOUR GRANDFATHER WAS AN
INCREDIBLE MAN.
AND WHEN HE PUT ON THAT WIG, HE
WAS ONE OF MY BEST HOS.
>> THANKS FOR COMING,
DELICIOUS.
>> HE SAY HOS?
>> THAT'S WHAT I SAID, LITTLE
MAN.
WHO IS GOING TO FLIP HIM OVER?
HE WOULD HAVE WANTED TO BE
BURIED HOW HE LIVED, FACE DOWN,
BOOTY UP.
>> WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT,
MOM?
>> HONEY, JUST A MOMENT.
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, DELICIOUS?
YOU KEEPING THE GIRLS IN LINE?
YOU KEEPING IT 100?
>> AS ALWAYS.
GUYS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MISS ABOUT
YOUR DADDY?
YOU COULD HAVE YOUR WAY WITH
HIM, NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOKED
LIKE, AS LONG AS YOU PAID HIM
HIS DOLLAR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> ONE DOLLAR?
>> WHERE ARE MY MANNERS,
DELICIOUS THESE ARE MY SONS,
MIKE AND JAKE.
>> NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH.
YOU COULD EARN.
YOU GO TO COLLEGE.
>> WHAT?
>> MOM, WAS GRANDPA LIKE A SEX
WORKER?
>> OH, NO, HONEY, HE PREFERRED
THE TERM BOY WHORE.
>> HEY, I'M SO SORRY FOR YOUR
LOSS.
I'M GOING TO MISS JIM BUT I'LL
ALWAYS HAVE A PIECE OF HIM RIGHT
HERE.
>> OH.
>> OH, MY GOSH, GRANDPA IS THE
FATHER?
>> NO MUFFIN IS THE FATHER, I
WAS TALKING ABOUT MY INK.
SPEAKING OF, HAVE YOU SEEN
MUFFIN?
>> I THINK HE'S SAYING HIS FINAL
GOODBYES.
>> WOO, WOO!
YO, I AM PLEASED TO REPORT
THAT RIGOR MORTIS HAS SET IN.
WOO!
>> DUDE, THIS IS INSANE.
WHY IS HE IN THERE?
WHY IS HE GOING BACK IN THERE?
>> ARE YOU LAUGHING OR CRYING?
>> LAUGHING BECAUSE THE GOOD
TIMES HAPPEN, CRYING BECAUSE
THEY'RE OVER.
>> YOU'RE A POET, WHITE COCOA.
THESE ARE MY SONS.
MIKE AND JAKE.
>> PLEASURE WOULD BE YOUR STREET
NAME IF YOU WORKED FOR ME.
THINK ABOUT IT.
NICE TO MEET YOU, JAKE.
>> I'M SORRY, HOW MANY PIMPS DID
GRANDPA HAVE?
>> HOW MANY PIMPS, YOU MIGHT AS
WELL ASK HOW
MANY STARS THERE ARE IN THE SKY.
THAT WOULD BE FOUR.
I'M VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS.
>> THANK YOU, MAC DADDY VANILLA.
>> YOU MUST BE THE FAMOUS MIKE.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT.
YOU GIVE ME A CALL IF YOU WANT
TO LIVE THAT LIFE.
AND YOU, WHAT WERE YOU ADOPTED
FROM THE SHIRE?
FUGLY ASS HO.
>> OKAY.
MOM, WHAT IS THE LIFE?
>> YEAH, AND WHY CAN'T I LIVE
IT?
>> HONEY, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING
YOU SET YOUR MIND TO.
>> REALLY?
ALL RIGHT THEN.
I'M REALLY GOING TO DO IT.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, ANITTA.
♪♪
Puedes hacer lo que quieras.
Pero avísame si te vas.
Juega conmigo, no con mi corazón.
Desde el momento que te.
No podés imaginar.
Dijiste que ibas a quedarte y no estás.
Varias quejas.
Varias quejas más de.
¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo?
200 noches a tu lado.
No sé si estás enamorado.
Varias quejas.
Varias quejas. Para de.
¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo?
200 noches a tu lado
y no sé si estabas enamorado.
Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor.
Hacé todo igual de bien que antes.
Mi peor error.
Y yo pensando que con usted había encontrado el amor.
Lo hace todo igual de bien que antes.
Mi peor error.
Sabía yo que iba.
El problema es que te besé y me olvidé.
Sabía yo que iba.
El problema es que te besé y me olvidé.
Varias quejas.
Varias quejas para usted.
¿Para qué hiciste eso conmigo?
200 noche a tu lado.
No sé si estabas enamorado.
Varias quejas.
Varias quejas para usted.
¿Por qué hiciste eso conmigo?
Te sientas a tu lado.
No sé si estás enamorado.
Parece que
sigues
bien.
¿Y bien?
Bien.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
>>> WONDER WHAT THE NEW TEACHER
IS GOING TO BE LIKE?
>> PROBABLY LIKE ALL THE OTHER
INSTRUCTORS AT SHERWOOD ACADEMY,
ANOTHER BORING, HUM-DRUM STIFF.
>> DISCIPLINE.
MEMORIZATION.
CONFORMITY.
ALL THESE HAVE ONE THING IN
COMMON.
THEY'RE NOT WELCOME IN MY
CLASSROOM.
>> BUT SIR, THE ACADEMY CREED
IS -- THE LEARNED BOY SHALL
CONFORM.
>> HOOEY, BOYS, THROW YOUR
PENCILS ON THE FLOOR.
>> BUT THE FLOOR IS WHERE THE
DIRT IS.
>> DO IT ANYWAY.
>> THIS IS CRAZY.
WHAT WE'RE DOING IS CRAZY.
>> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
YOU WON'T FIND ANYTHING IN A
TEXTBOOK YOU CAN'T FIND IN YOUR
HEART.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, MAN, I SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING
WITH THE WHOLE FREE-SPIRITED
TEACHING THING.
AND THAT MIGHT WORK IN LIKE A
POETRY CLASS.
>> YES, NOW YOU'RE GETTING IT.
>> YEAH, BUT THIS IS MATH.
>> RIGHT.
MATH.
YOU'VE PROBABLY ALL BEEN TAUGHT
THAT 5 TIMES 5 IS 25.
BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T?
>> IT IS THOUGH.
IT'S 25.
>> BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.
BOY RED, MAKE UP A NUMBER, A
NUMBER NO ONE'S HEARD OF BEFORE.
>> UM, BELEVENTY.
>> OH, EXCELLENT, HOW DID THAT
FEEL?
>> I MEAN, IT FELT WEIRD COMING
OUT.
>> AND IT SHOULD.
YOU, A NUMBER.
>> CHRISTOPHTHREE.
>> WONDERFUL.
NOW WHAT DO WE GET WHEN WE
ADD CHRISTOPHTHREE PLUS
BELEVENTY?
WHAT SHOULD IT BE?
>> OH, MAYBE FLU -- FLOOTY-TWO.
>> I HAVE CHILLS, FLOOTY-TWO,
YES.
NOW THAT'S MATH WITHOUT
CONFORMITY.
>> BUT MATH NEEDS TO CONFORM TO
SOLVE REAL-WORLD PROBLEMS.
>> OH, WE CAN SOLVE PROBLEMS
LIKE 30.
WHY DO YOU THINK WE HAVEN'T
SOLVED 30 YET?
>> BECAUSE 30 IS NOT A PROBLEM.
IT'S A NUMBER.
>> WHAT IF ALL NUMBERS HAD A
COLOR?
WHAT IF I HOLD UP THIS MANY, AND
SAY IT WAS ORANGE?
AND THIS MANY WAS ONE OF THE
OTHER COLORS.
>> LILAC.
THAT'S MANY COULD BE LILAC.
>> YES, NOW YOU'VE MADE UP A
COLOR, TOO,.
LET'S TRY CALCULUS.
>> HEY, MAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEE
YOU DO
CALCULUS, YOU WERE COUNTING ON
YOUR FINGERS.
WEIR TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.
>> WHY, SO GO OUT INTO THE WORLD
TO GET A JOB?
>> YES.
>> OR TO INVENT A MACHINE --
>> IT WAS THE FIRST THING, THE
FIRST THING THAT YOU SAID.
>> THERE YOU GO, STUDENTS
TEACHING THE TEACHER.
I LOVE IT.
LET'S ALL GO AROUND, DO A
LESSON.
>> WHY DOES SPANISH MATH HAVE
QUATROS BUT NOT ENGLISH?
>> I DON'T KNOW, LET'S PUT IT
IN.
>> WHAT IF 1 AND 2 WERE MARRIED
AND 3 WAS THEIR BABY AND 4 WAS
THEIR NEIGHBOR.
>> WHAT WOULD 5 BE, LIKE THEIR
FRIEND?
>> I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T KNOW, I
DON'T KNOW!
THAT'S EVERYTHING I HAD.
I'M SORRY.
>> 5 WOULD BE THE DOG.
>> GENIUS.
YOU'RE A GENIUS.
CUSTODIAN, JOIN US.
PUT THAT DOWN.
>> OKAY.
>> SOMEBODY BUY THAT MAN A BEER
AFTER CLASS.
>> WE'RE 14!
>> I GOT ONE, WHEN COUNTING, WHY
-- WHAT IF YOU COULD COUNT EVERY
NUMBER IN ONE BREATH.
NEVER MIND, YOU CAN'T.
>> WHY CAN YOU DIVIDE
TWO NUMBERS BUT YOU CAN'T UNITE
TWO NUMBERS.
>> YOU CAN, IT'S ADDITION!
>> THIS MIGHT GET ME IN TROUBLE,
BUT I THINK I'M ATTRACTED TO 8.
8 GOT THAT ITTY BITTY WAIST WITH
THAT THING DOWN BELOW.
>> YES, ACADEMICALLY SPEAKING, 8
IS SLIM THICK.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO!
THIS IS ALL NONSENSE.
WE'RE JUST MAKING CRAP UP.
WHY DON'T WE CALL THIS MY MOM.
HELLO MOMMY.
WHAT?
LOOK, MOTHER, THIS IS A DOOR,
AND I'M A BUTTERFLY AND I CAN
FLY --
>> THIS DID NOT HAPPEN.
I WAS NOT HERE.
HE'S THE TEACHER.
GOOD DAY.
>> OKEY-DOKEY.
STUDENTS, WHY DON'T WE OPEN OUR
TEXTBOOKS TO PAGE FLOOTY-TWO.
TODAY WE ARE TALKING 8.
♪♪
>> WE'RE JUST FOUR NORMAL TEENS
LIVING IN THE SUBURBS.
>> BUT WE DO HAVE A SECRET.
>> WE TRANSFORM INTO ANIMALS TO
BATTLE EVIL ALIENS!
>> BUT WE ALWAYS TRANSFORM BACK
IN TIME FOR DINNER.
>> SAVING HUMANITY?
THAT'S EASY.
THE HARD PART?
IS OUR HOMEWORK!
>> WE'RE THE BEASTOMORPHS!
>> YOU CRAZY EARTH KIDS MAY
THINK YOU'VE SEEN THE LAST OF
ME, BUT I'LL BE BACK!
MUAHAHA!
>> GOOD JOB, GANG, WE SENT THAT
EVIL ALIEN CHUMONGOUS BACK TO
THE LOUSY PLANET HE CAME FROM.
>> UH-OH, IT'S 6:00 P.M., MOM'S
MEATLOAF IS WAITING FOR US.
>> LET'S BEASTOMORPH!
NICE.
AND MY HAIR DIDN'T EVEN GET
MESSED UP.
>> WHO'S CHICKEN NOW?
>> THIS LITTLE PIGGY KICKED SOME
ALIEN BUTT!
>> GOOD ONE, NOW MY TURN!
AAGHCHOO!
[ FART NOISE ]
>> AHH!
>> WHAT?
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME
LIKE THAT?
LET ME GUESS, MY HAIR GOT MESSED
UP.
>> LIZZIE, DON'T FREAK OUT.
BUT WHEN YOU COMBINATION
SNEEZE-FARTED, YOU GOT STUCK
MID-MORPH.
>> YOU CAN'T SHOW UP FOR MOM'S
MEATLOAF LOOKING LIKE THAT.
>> BRITNEY, STOP.
WE ALL KNOW YOUR MOM'S GONE AND
YOU JUST EAT CHIPS.
>> I DON'T JUST EAT CHIPS.
I EAT CHIPS AND SODA.
>> WE CAN FIGURE THIS OUT, GUYS!
LET'S PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER.
LIZZIE, CAN YOU JUST LOOK AT THE
WALL WHILE WE TALK?
>> SURE.
LITTLE HARD TO SEE.
I'M KIND OF LOOKING IN TWO
DIRECTIONS AT ONCE.
>> THINK GUYS, HOW CAN WE FIX
THIS?
>> MAYBE IF I SNEEZE AND FART
AGAIN, I CAN CHANGE BACK?
[ FART NOISE ]
>> LIZZIE, STOP, YOU'RE GONNA
HURT YOURSELF.
>> MAYBE IF I FART TWICE, SNEEZE
ONCE, THEN BURP?
AGCHOO.
SHOOT.
[ FART NOISE ]
>> YUCK.
>> THAT DIDN'T WORK.
>> OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT SNEEZE, FART, PAUSE,
SPIN AROUND, FART THREE TIMES
QUICKLY, BURP ONCE, THEN FART
AGAIN?
>> DEFINITELY NOT.
MAYBE IF I DO IT?
>> YEAH.
>> GRRRRHHNNFF.
I HAVE TO GO HOME.
>> OH, NO CHUMONGOUS IS COMING.
IT'S TIME TO MORPH BACK!
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
THE GREAT CHUMONGOUS
HAS RETURNED.
YOU EARTH KIDS MAY HAVE THOUGHT
BUT DEFEATED ME BUT I'M MORE
POWERFUL THAN EV -- OH MY GOD,
IT SMELLS LIKE -- IN HERE.
>> SORRY, WE'VE ALL BEEN
SPINNING, FARTING AND BURPING
FOR THE PAST FEW MINUTES.
>> WHY?
ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND, I DON'T
CARE.
PREPARE TO DIE YOU -- YOU
BEAUTIFUL CREATURE.
YOU'RE JUST ABOUT THE MOST
PERFECT THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
>> YOU REALLY THINK SO?
>> YES.
THERE'S JUST ONE PROBLEM.
>> WHAT IS IT?
>> THAT FROG HAND AIN'T GOT MY
THING IN IT.
>> EW, DUDE.
>> SORRY, IS THAT LIKE A BIG
DEAL FOR YOU GUYS?
THAT'S LIKE LESS THAN FIRST BASE
WHERE I'M FROM.
WHERE I'M FROM, IF YOU GO
VISIT YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN THE
HOSPITAL, YOU LEAN OVER AND YOUR
GRANDMA JUST GRABS YOUR THING.
OUT OF RESPECT.
>> WHAT?
>> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WANT TO BE MY QUEEN OF
CHUMONGIA?
>> WELL, IT SURE BEATS HOMEWORK.
ACHOO!
>> AHHH!
Thank you.
Tonight.
Tonight is for all the little boys in the inner cities.
All the little girls and small corners of Brazil.
Who. Tonight is for the dreamers.
Tonight is for the people
who bring light into the world, especially
Lorne Michaels.
And this beautiful cast.
Thank you to the band.
Thank you to everyone
who came to come together in a dark room and just laugh
when we need more left in the world. Oh.
This has been an epic night.
And we want to send you away
with a big ol kiss and love and to love on each other.
Thank you so much to every single one of you
in this journey.
Good night.