1 00:00:05,472 --> 00:00:10,443 Okay gang. 2 00:00:10,443 --> 00:00:12,879 Anyone has to use the bathroom. 3 00:00:12,879 --> 00:00:13,580 Do it now. 4 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,883 We've got another two hours before we get to grandma's. 5 00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,786 I'm just going to fill up the tank. 6 00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:21,521 Fill up? 7 00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:24,491 Not all the way, though, right? 8 00:00:24,491 --> 00:00:28,294 We have to, but it's $5 a gallon. 9 00:00:28,294 --> 00:00:32,799 I said we have to, kids. 10 00:00:32,799 --> 00:00:36,536 We're going to have to leave one of you behind. 11 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:39,506 What? Why? 12 00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:42,308 gas prices, darling. 13 00:00:42,308 --> 00:00:46,212 Dad, why does gas cost so much? 14 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:50,350 Oh, the Epstein files. 15 00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:53,586 Kidding. But possibly not. 16 00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:56,022 It's called butterfly effect, right? 17 00:00:56,022 --> 00:00:58,758 Epstein was first domino. Epstein. 18 00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:02,562 Bing bing bing bing bing bing bang bang bang or. 19 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,698 Anyway. Hi. It's me, Donald Trump. 20 00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:07,734 You might remember me from such campaign promises 21 00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:14,574 as lower gas prices and no more Wars sike 22 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:18,078 We love to make promises because a promise is just a lie. 23 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:20,580 That hasn't happened yet, 24 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:21,548 but now it has. 25 00:01:21,548 --> 00:01:24,718 And gas costs like $1,000,000 billion a gallon. 26 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,921 And as for the stock market, let me put it in a way that the 27 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:33,860 Harry styles fans in the crowd tonight will understand. 28 00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:35,195 You guys are going to love this one. 29 00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:40,734 The stock market is going in one direction down. 30 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:41,234 Down. 31 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:46,439 I said, you don't know you're broke as hell. 32 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:49,175 Sorry, I'm not familiar with his newer music. 33 00:01:49,175 --> 00:01:51,778 I am straight anyway. 34 00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:52,879 What were you talking about? 35 00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:53,313 Oh yes. 36 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:58,318 Gas prices, which are very high because of war with Iran, 37 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:02,055 which is where they make gas. I wish someone had told me that. 38 00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:03,390 But we will win this war 39 00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:06,459 because Iran is old and nobody likes him. 40 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:11,598 Iran is like ballet and opera and were Timmy Chalamet 41 00:02:11,598 --> 00:02:15,135 Wow. Kicking them while they're down to me. 42 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:18,738 Which is frankly best time to kick. 43 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,375 Look at the gas back there frozen in one of these. 44 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:26,179 Look at Marcello. He's playing kids. 45 00:02:26,179 --> 00:02:29,082 He's SNL's little Chihuahua. 46 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:32,719 That sounds racist, but it is 47 00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:35,221 I|m a racist guy. I say racist stuff 48 00:02:35,221 --> 00:02:37,157 And how about Ashley Padilla? 49 00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,826 Last name sounds Spanish, but take a look at her folks. 50 00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:45,331 That's the whitest white that other white haircut 51 00:02:45,331 --> 00:02:48,802 we love. Haircut. 52 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,203 Point is, I have this. 53 00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:51,971 I have everything under control. Okay? 54 00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:57,410 I've been meeting with the nation's top minds. Jake Paul. 55 00:02:57,410 --> 00:03:00,480 He was booed very badly at the Mike Tyson fight. 56 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,949 We hate to hear boos. 57 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:08,922 Someone say boos. 58 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:16,062 Hey, so I had a couple road sodas. 59 00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:22,068 Chill Pete Hegseth says as I live and struggled to breathe. 60 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:22,936 It's great to see you, Mr. 61 00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:23,269 President. 62 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,306 Before I begin, I just want to thank you sincerely 63 00:03:26,306 --> 00:03:32,379 for these beautiful size 16 Florsheim shoes. 64 00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:33,680 They fit me like a glove. 65 00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:37,283 Happy to do it like a clown's glove. 66 00:03:37,283 --> 00:03:37,917 If you're wondering 67 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:41,187 why I was in the back seat of this random family's car, 68 00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:42,422 I'll tell you the same thing I say 69 00:03:42,422 --> 00:03:46,459 when people ask about our plans for Iran. I don't know. 70 00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:47,861 Is it that wonderful? 71 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:54,100 Well, I'm going to wander around. 72 00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:54,801 Great. 73 00:03:54,801 --> 00:03:57,604 Thank you for everything, sir. 74 00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:00,040 President, call me here today to give you news on the war. 75 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,842 Okay, so listen up. 76 00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:05,412 The news is we won. 77 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:07,747 Hashtag winning. 78 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:10,050 So you can stop asking me all about it, okay? 79 00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:12,419 Don't even worry about it. Forget about it. 80 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:19,693 The real problem is all you gaybees 81 00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:22,462 gay babies. Copyright. 82 00:04:22,462 --> 00:04:23,830 What you gave these in the media 83 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:26,533 are completely unpatriotic, okay? 84 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:30,670 They're using what I do and say to make me look like a fool. 85 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:32,939 Been there. I've been there before. 86 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:37,744 But yeah, we've all been there a lot. 87 00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:40,347 You know, the press says we bombed a school. 88 00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:45,185 I just blame it on the, Ayatollah 89 00:04:45,185 --> 00:04:48,088 and also on the alcohol. 90 00:04:48,088 --> 00:04:48,822 What are you, dweeb? 91 00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:51,491 Stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed. 92 00:04:51,491 --> 00:04:53,093 It's wide open. 93 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,929 Sure. There's a bunch of land mines floating in the water. 94 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:58,698 Water mines? I guess. 95 00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,867 But if you're an oil tanker and you're driving it 96 00:05:00,867 --> 00:05:02,235 and you see one of the mines, 97 00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:05,305 just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint. 98 00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:08,475 Close your eyes and gun it. 99 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:09,409 Great advice. 100 00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:13,480 Pete. Okay, anyway, back to the gas station scene. 101 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:17,584 Kidding. Of course. And from New York, it's Saturday night. 102 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,591 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 103 00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:27,360 NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 104 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,640 HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST, HARRY 105 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,548 106 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- HARRY 106 00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:38,658 108 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 107 00:07:38,658 --> 00:07:54,140 ♪♪ 108 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,176 Thank you, thank you. 109 00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,111 Thank you very much. 110 00:07:58,111 --> 00:07:59,813 It's so great to be back 111 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:03,216 hosting Saturday Night Live for a second time. 112 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,251 I wasn't sure 113 00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,619 if I would host again, 114 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:07,320 but I couldn't 115 00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:13,326 resist when I heard they booked my favorite ever musical guest. 116 00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:17,263 I finished my last tour in 2023, and after that 117 00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:19,065 I took a bunch of time off. 118 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:21,901 I realized I spent half of my life in music, 119 00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:23,803 touring, creating albums 120 00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:28,541 and making songs about fruit that people think are about sex. 121 00:08:28,541 --> 00:08:31,211 I just really like fruit, guys. 122 00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,080 I like sex too. 123 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:35,281 You know, 124 00:08:35,281 --> 00:08:38,218 when you're on holiday, it's like five in the afternoon. 125 00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:39,953 You're all covered in sand. 126 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:42,055 You and your partner are all sweaty and hot, 127 00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:47,594 and you stumble back to the room and you just want to, papaya. 128 00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:48,428 Back then, 129 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:50,063 people seem to pay a lot of attention 130 00:08:50,063 --> 00:08:51,698 to the clothes I was wearing. 131 00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:56,069 And some people accuse me of something called queerbaiting. 132 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,704 But did it ever occur to you 133 00:08:57,704 --> 00:09:03,710 that maybe you don't know everything about me dad 134 00:09:05,311 --> 00:09:06,279 I ran it past him 135 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,514 Fine with it. 136 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:10,283 I get asked a lot about what I've been up to on this break. 137 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,119 Honestly, I learned a lot about myself. 138 00:09:13,119 --> 00:09:17,257 Like I've always known, I'm someone who talks rather slowly. 139 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:22,762 But I found out it's not that I'm tremendously boring. 140 00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:25,265 I took up jogging. 141 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:28,034 There's nothing interesting about that. 142 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:29,736 But because I made people 143 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:32,739 pretend to find that interesting. 144 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,809 But I don't run to be interesting. 145 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,043 I do it for the feeling. 146 00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:41,047 It gives me that runner's high. It's just amazing. 147 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:45,318 Watermelon sugar high, runner's high. 148 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:50,390 And if that doesn't do it for you, I also love ecstasy. 149 00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,258 But you know what? 150 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,562 As a British man who spent a lot of his life in the public eye, 151 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,664 I can assure you there's something nice 152 00:09:57,664 --> 00:09:59,199 about being boring. 153 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,601 It's better than the alternative. 154 00:10:10,076 --> 00:10:12,178 During my break, I found a new home 155 00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:14,814 in a small old Italian village. 156 00:10:14,814 --> 00:10:18,018 Has 11 full time residents, which is really fun. 157 00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:19,919 It's pretty cool to be able to say you've had sex 158 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:23,857 with 100% of the people in your town 159 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,826 But I'm very, very happy to be back at work now. 160 00:10:26,826 --> 00:10:32,399 I have a new album out 161 00:10:32,399 --> 00:10:35,935 It's called Kiss All the Time disco occasionally, 162 00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:39,339 and some people have asked me where I got that title from. 163 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,741 And I'll let you guys be the first to know. 164 00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:44,044 I did a prompt on ChatGPT that said, 165 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:48,481 give me the most Italian phrase to ever exist, 166 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,216 and it came back with it's ah me 167 00:10:50,216 --> 00:10:53,453 Mario kiss all the time, and disco occasionally. 168 00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,458 And I loved it because what's better 169 00:10:58,458 --> 00:11:01,961 than kissing all the time, which I don't actually do. 170 00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:04,264 I don't want to kiss all the time. 171 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,498 I mean, 172 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:08,468 sometimes kissing can be great, you know, 173 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:13,273 if you're really good at it and you're a good person. 174 00:11:13,273 --> 00:11:17,277 Or if you have a tight little bum, 175 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,647 then. Hey, what are you doing up here? 176 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,283 Well, you said tight little bum. 177 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,353 So where's my kiss? 178 00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:27,520 Come on Ben 179 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:32,392 Everyone knows is nothing little about that thing. 180 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,562 Your hauling a damn wagon back there. 181 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,764 Facts, 182 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,231 whatever. 183 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:42,335 Come in. 184 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:46,106 Now that's queerbaiting. 185 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,640 We have a great show for you tonight. 186 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,977 I|m here, so stick around. We|ll be right back 187 00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:09,963 ORDER IN THE COURT. 188 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:10,597 THIS IS NEW JERSEY VERSUS 189 00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:13,533 DONOVAN. 190 00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,701 IS THE PROSECUTION READY TO 191 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:15,502 PRESENT ITS CASE? 192 00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,069 >> IT IS, YOUR HONOR. 193 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,371 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 194 00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:19,205 AND LET ME JUST SAY, IT'S MY 195 00:12:19,205 --> 00:12:20,707 HONOR TO BE HERE. 196 00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:21,808 >> NO. 197 00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,144 [ LAUGHTER ] 198 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:24,411 NO. 199 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,679 NONE OF THAT. 200 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,380 DON'T BE CUTE. 201 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,850 THIS IS A COURTROOM. 202 00:12:30,850 --> 00:12:32,318 NOW OVER TO THE DEFENDANT. 203 00:12:32,318 --> 00:12:34,587 MR. DONOVAN, SINCE YOU DID NOT 204 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,089 HAVE AN ATTORNEY, THE COURT HAS 205 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,290 APPOINTED YOU A PUBLIC DEFENDER. 206 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,291 >> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. 207 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,893 >> BUT BEFORE HE GETS HERE, I 208 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:43,396 SHOULD PROBABLY WARN YOU. 209 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:45,932 HE'S SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO. 210 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:46,332 [ LAUGHTER ] 211 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,335 >> THE WORLD-FAMOUS COMEDIAN? 212 00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,103 >> YES, BUT I PROMISE HE'S 213 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,738 NOTHING LIKE WHAT YOU'VE SEEN ON 214 00:12:51,738 --> 00:12:52,706 TV. 215 00:12:52,706 --> 00:12:54,974 BAILIFF, PLEASE LET HIM IN. 216 00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:55,575 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 217 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:56,743 >> YOU'RE NOT GONNA TO BELIEVE 218 00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:57,110 THIS. 219 00:12:57,210 --> 00:12:59,145 I'M A LAWYER NOW. 220 00:12:59,145 --> 00:13:02,248 I WENT TO NIGHT SCHOOL, AND I 221 00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:03,717 BASHED THE BEST. 222 00:13:03,717 --> 00:13:04,451 [ LAUGHTER ] 223 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,785 I CANCELED A GIG TO BE HERE, AND 224 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,787 MY AGENT WAS LIKE, WHY WOULD YOU 225 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,121 DO THAT? 226 00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:11,157 [ LAUGHTER ] 227 00:13:11,157 --> 00:13:14,527 >> HA HA HA! 228 00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:17,230 SEBASTIAN, YOU ARE A CHARACTER. 229 00:13:17,230 --> 00:13:18,498 NOW ON TO THE MUCH LESS 230 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:19,065 DELIGHTFUL PROSECUTOR. 231 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:21,334 >> ALL RIGHT. 232 00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,236 I'M A LITTLE THROWN. 233 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,204 DIDN'T EXPECT THE PUBLIC 234 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:24,838 DEFENDER TO BE SEBASTIAN 235 00:13:24,838 --> 00:13:26,506 MANISCALCO. 236 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:28,208 BUT YOUR HONOR, THE CASE IS 237 00:13:28,208 --> 00:13:29,075 SIMPLE. 238 00:13:29,075 --> 00:13:30,777 >> OH, MY GOD. 239 00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:31,177 [ LAUGHTER ] 240 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:32,879 >> FEBRUARY 19th, MR. DONOVAN 241 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:33,613 WALKED INTO A DEPARTMENT 242 00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:34,347 STORE -- 243 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,181 >> ALLEGEDLY. 244 00:13:35,181 --> 00:13:37,283 >> AND WALKED OUT CARRYING 245 00:13:37,283 --> 00:13:38,485 $5,000 WORTH OF STOLEN 246 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:38,918 MERCHANDISE. 247 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:42,856 >> WHO KNOWS IF THAT'S TRUE. 248 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,691 >> INCLUDING A DESIGNER SUIT, 249 00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:45,492 SHOES, AND A BELT. 250 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:46,493 >> LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING 251 00:13:46,493 --> 00:13:47,727 ABOUT A BELT, OKAY? 252 00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,462 WHEN I WAS A KID, THE BELT 253 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,831 WASN'T TO KEEP THE PANTS UP. 254 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:52,866 IT WAS TO KEEP THE VOLUME DOWN. 255 00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:56,236 [ LAUGHTER ] 256 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:56,536 OKAY? 257 00:13:56,936 --> 00:13:59,139 I NEVER SAW MY DAD PUT THE BELT 258 00:13:59,139 --> 00:13:59,439 ON. 259 00:13:59,773 --> 00:14:01,741 I ONLY SAW HIM TAKE IT OFF. 260 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:06,646 [ LAUGHTER ] 261 00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:10,050 IN MY DAY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR 262 00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,284 DAD DID THIS, I DON'T KNOW IF 263 00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,753 YOUR DAD DID THIS, BUT MY DAD, 264 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,055 HE USED TO POP IT TWICE. 265 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,923 HE USED TO GO POP, POP! 266 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,826 AND THEN IT WAS BELT TO ASS! 267 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,228 >> YOUR HONOR, NONE OF THAT WAS 268 00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:22,629 RELEVANT. 269 00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,097 I KNOW THE JURY COULDN'T 270 00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,799 POSSIBLY FOLLOW WHAT HE WAS 271 00:14:25,799 --> 00:14:26,132 SAYING. 272 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:27,067 >> VERY WELL. 273 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:28,201 WOULD THE COURT STENOGRAPHER 274 00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,202 READ IT BACK, PLEASE? 275 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:30,737 >> I NEVER SAW MY DAD PUT THE 276 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,205 BELT ON I ONLY SAW HIM TAKE IT 277 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,940 OFF AND MY DAD I DON'T KNOW IF 278 00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,542 YOUR DAD DID THIS BUT MY DAD I 279 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,976 DON'T KNOW IF YOUR DAD DID THIS 280 00:14:36,976 --> 00:14:39,512 BUT MY DAD I DON'T KNOW IF YOUR 281 00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:40,680 DAD DID THIS BUT MY DAD HE WOULD 282 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,414 SNAP IT TWICE POP POP AND THEN 283 00:14:41,414 --> 00:14:44,784 BELT TO ASS. 284 00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:47,954 >> IS THE BABY HAPPY NOW? 285 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:48,555 >> WHAT? 286 00:14:48,655 --> 00:14:51,191 >> YOUR HONOR, WOULD THE DEFENSE 287 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,659 ATTORNEY MIND NOT MOVING AROUND 288 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,494 SO MUCH? 289 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:57,163 I'M HAVING TROUBLE DRAWING HIM. 290 00:14:57,163 --> 00:14:57,564 [ LAUGHTER ] 291 00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:00,066 >> HEY, PICASSO, DO ME A FAVOR. 292 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,635 IF YOU'RE GOING TO PAINT ME, YOU 293 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:04,371 GOTTA TELL ME, MAMA, SO I CAN 294 00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:05,238 GIVE YOU A POSE. 295 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:06,740 I WANT YOU TO PAINT ME LIKE 296 00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:07,774 THIS. 297 00:15:07,774 --> 00:15:08,174 [ LAUGHTER ] 298 00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:08,908 OR WORST-CASE SCENARIO, GET ME 299 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:11,478 LIKE THAT. 300 00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:12,445 >> YOUR HONOR, HE'S NOT EVEN 301 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,115 TRYING TO ARGUE THE CASE. 302 00:15:15,115 --> 00:15:15,882 >> OH, YOU WANT ME TO ARGUE THE 303 00:15:15,882 --> 00:15:21,721 CASE? 304 00:15:21,721 --> 00:15:22,255 [ LAUGHTER ] 305 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:23,123 OH, I DIDN'T THAT'S WHAT YOU 306 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:23,456 WANTED. 307 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:24,791 I'LL TALK ABOUT THE CASE, YOUR 308 00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:25,091 HONOR. 309 00:15:25,191 --> 00:15:26,159 LISTEN TO ME. 310 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,495 FOR MY CLIENT TO GET OUT OF THAT 311 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,696 STORE, HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO JUKE 312 00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,732 OUT A SECURITY GUARD. 313 00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,801 BANG, THEY GOT THE LASERS 314 00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,069 EVERYWHERE, SO MY CLIENT WOULD 315 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:36,770 HAVE HAD TO TOM CRUISE THAT. 316 00:15:36,770 --> 00:15:39,239 [ LAUGHTER ] 317 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:39,539 OKAY? 318 00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:42,342 AND THEN THEY GOT THE SENSORS. 319 00:15:42,342 --> 00:15:43,109 YOU KNOW ABOUT THE SENSORS, YOUR 320 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:43,410 HONOR? 321 00:15:43,777 --> 00:15:45,111 THEY'RE ABOUT THIS TALL, THE 322 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:45,445 SENSORS. 323 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,080 THEY TELL YOU YOU GOT SOMETHING 324 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,281 YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE. 325 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:49,449 MY CLIENT WOULD HAVE HAD TO GRAB 326 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:52,385 THE SHOES AND THE BELT AND THE 327 00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,119 JACKET AND HOLD IT ABOVE HIS 328 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,088 HEAD AND GO LIKE THAT. 329 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:58,158 [ LAUGHTER ] 330 00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:02,929 SO EITHER MY CLIENT IS NOT 331 00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:03,630 GUILTY, OR HE BELONGS IN THE 332 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:04,030 OLYMPICS. 333 00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:05,899 [ LAUGHTER ] 334 00:16:05,899 --> 00:16:06,766 THE DEFENSE RESTS. 335 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:12,672 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 336 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,406 >> I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH TO 337 00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,241 MAKE A DECISION. 338 00:16:15,241 --> 00:16:18,178 >> THIS IS CRAZY. 339 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,680 YOU'RE ALL JUST CAPTIVATED BY 340 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,216 THE WAY SEBASTIAN MANISCALCO IS 341 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:23,550 TALKING. 342 00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:24,217 WHAT IF I TALKED LIKE THAT? 343 00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,051 [ LAUGHTER ] 344 00:16:25,051 --> 00:16:29,689 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 345 00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:32,325 YOUR HONOR. 346 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:40,333 THIS GUY TOOK THE CROSS AND HE 347 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,067 WALKED RIGHT OUT OF THE STORE. 348 00:16:41,067 --> 00:16:44,204 WE'VE GOT THE SECURITY FOOTAGE. 349 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,805 AFTER WATCHING! 350 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:46,940 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I ASK, WHY 351 00:16:46,940 --> 00:16:52,379 WOULD HE DO THAT? 352 00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:52,746 [ CHEERS ] 353 00:16:52,746 --> 00:16:53,980 >> ALL RIGHT! 354 00:16:53,980 --> 00:16:56,950 THAT'S IT! 355 00:16:56,950 --> 00:16:59,819 I FIND YOU IN CONTEMPT OF COURT! 356 00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:01,254 >> OH, OH, OH -- 357 00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,857 >> YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. 358 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:05,458 >> MR. MANISCALCO. 359 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:07,193 I FINISHED THAT PAINTING YOU 360 00:17:07,193 --> 00:17:07,527 WANTED. 361 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:08,261 >> OH, LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT IT, 362 00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:09,195 HONEY. 363 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,197 OH, MY GOD. 364 00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:14,567 HONEY, PUT THAT IN THE LOUVRE! 365 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:18,104 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 366 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:23,677 What do we got? 367 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,445 Lady collapse her 80th birthday party. 368 00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:26,246 Too late breathing. 369 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:27,313 Blood pressure's through the roof. 370 00:17:27,313 --> 00:17:30,583 For people who love the pit. No effusion. Good lungs. 371 00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:32,252 Likely stroke but can't stand. 372 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,953 It's phony liberal science 373 00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,855 talks going crazy or see to thrombectomy. 374 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:37,490 Not until we have a definitive diagnosis 375 00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,826 from producer Robert F Kennedy Jr. 376 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:43,563 And the team who want to make America healthy again. 377 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:46,066 What she needs is a steak. 378 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:46,933 She needs protein. 379 00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:50,270 People give me beef tallow and six raw eggs, stat! 380 00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,073 It's MAHA hospital 381 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,508 from producer Jillian Michaels and the Facebook group 382 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,444 Beach Moms Against Vaccine Tyranny. 383 00:17:57,444 --> 00:17:58,878 Its testosterone is crashing. 384 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:00,780 I need 60 cc's of bull semen 385 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,016 now comes a show set in the high stakes 386 00:18:03,016 --> 00:18:06,853 medical crucible of Orange County, California. 387 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:07,921 What's the situation? 388 00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,256 Car accident, femur fracture and trauma. 389 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,926 Two ribs two and five. Oh, my. Right, sir. 390 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:16,429 Are you up to date on your vaccine? Just the closer. 391 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,031 Okay. Treatment does. 392 00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:22,469 Okay. Maybe, methylene blue and a full moon might work. 393 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,938 Wait. Powder, anal probiotic and a sound bath. 394 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,206 Not quite. Tanner. 395 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,742 Triple dose of alpha brain and a cold plunge in blue jeans. 396 00:18:28,742 --> 00:18:33,546 Bingo. Get on. I know he's in shock. He's in shock. 397 00:18:33,546 --> 00:18:38,418 I need all hands. Tanner. Power up. Yep. Got it. 398 00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:42,555 Clear. 399 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:43,656 What the hell? 400 00:18:43,656 --> 00:18:46,760 Your skin's gonna look really nice. 401 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:47,861 I hope next time you question 402 00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:51,064 my diagnosis, you'll do it in private. Stay in your lane. 403 00:18:51,064 --> 00:18:54,334 I'm the doctor here. Excuse me. I'm a certified energy healer. 404 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:55,335 My Instagram account. 405 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,071 The wellness check has over 3000 followers. 406 00:18:58,071 --> 00:19:00,840 So don't you dare try to tell me how to do my job. 407 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,911 I need some air. I'm going outside to sun, meditate. 408 00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:08,882 And in my hospital. Emotions run high. You could be anywhere. 409 00:19:08,882 --> 00:19:11,017 Why are you in the hospital? You wanna know why I'm here? 410 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:13,019 Fine. 411 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,355 My parents died from the Covid vaccine. 412 00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,692 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Yeah. 413 00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:22,429 Found out they got it, and I shot them. 414 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:25,031 Going to lunch? Five stars. Raise the liver cake. 415 00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:28,635 Measles ain't going to cure itself. Let's go. Come on. 416 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:30,637 How's she doing? She's on life support. 417 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:32,272 She was fairly healthy before the accident. 418 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:38,244 The only thing is, she's a vegan. 419 00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:42,615 Well, nothing we could do. 420 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:46,052 Oh, are you insane? What the hell are you doing? 421 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:48,388 You crazy? 422 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,323 Not in my hospital. 423 00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:52,058 If your favorite character from the pit 424 00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:54,060 was the guy who punched the nurse in the face. 425 00:19:54,060 --> 00:19:56,696 You'll love my hospital. Clear the area. 426 00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:59,065 Boss man is bringing one in himself. 427 00:19:59,065 --> 00:20:02,469 Coming through with a special appearance by RFK junior. 428 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:04,571 Coming through. Come on, help me out here. 429 00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:08,708 Is that a bear? 430 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,211 I hit him with my car on the way over here. 431 00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:14,881 Prep him for surgery for jerky. 432 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,917 He's been dead for days, but the meat still good. 433 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,086 Prep him. Let's move. 434 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:22,522 I'm proud of each and every one of you. 435 00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,392 You've been told over and over. You're crazy. 436 00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:29,062 What you're doing is dangerous and irresponsible. 437 00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,430 But you did it anyway. 438 00:20:30,430 --> 00:20:32,632 She needs some more raw milk now. 439 00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:38,371 Maybe it's the brain worm talking, but I love this team. 440 00:20:38,371 --> 00:20:41,741 Now drop and give me 50. 441 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,678 Go back to the sky. Ma. Hospital. 442 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,446 Coming soon to the Daily Wire. 443 00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:54,387 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 444 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:58,725 ♪♪ 445 00:20:58,725 --> 00:21:01,528 >>> GUYS, DO YOU EVER JUST WANT 446 00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:03,129 TO GET UP, STAND UP, GET OUT OF 447 00:21:03,129 --> 00:21:03,863 THE HOUSE? 448 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:04,931 >> ENOUGH OF THIS REGULAR, 449 00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:07,200 EVERYDAY LIFE, AM I RIGHT? 450 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:11,204 >> TIME TO SET SAIL UPON THE 451 00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:14,974 WATER WITH A CRUISE. 452 00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:15,542 >> SPARKLE OF THE SEA. 453 00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:16,943 LET'S GO! 454 00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:25,452 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 455 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,087 >> HELLO, I'M ALEXA. 456 00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:28,655 >> AND I'M GUUS. 457 00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:30,223 >> WE'RE HERE TO GIVE YOU A TOUR 458 00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:32,592 OF OUR BIG, BEAUTIFUL FLOATING 459 00:21:32,592 --> 00:21:33,093 POWER MACHINE. 460 00:21:33,293 --> 00:21:34,861 >> WITH SO MUCH GREAT STUFF, A 461 00:21:34,861 --> 00:21:38,098 GRAND CASINO, A GORGEOUS BAR, 462 00:21:38,098 --> 00:21:39,299 AND A SEAFOOD BUFFET YOU CAN 463 00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,334 SMELL FROM 50 METERS AWAY. 464 00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:43,236 >> SO MANY GREAT SMELLS. 465 00:21:43,236 --> 00:21:44,871 >> BUT WHAT SPARKLE OF THE SEA 466 00:21:44,871 --> 00:21:46,639 IS MOST KNOWN FOR IS OUR 467 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:47,307 WORLD-CLASS ENTERTAINMENT. 468 00:21:47,307 --> 00:21:48,475 >> AM I RIGHT? 469 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:51,378 >> YOU'RE RIGHT. 470 00:21:51,378 --> 00:21:53,113 >> LET'S GO! 471 00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:58,385 ♪♪ 472 00:21:58,385 --> 00:22:00,387 ♪♪ 473 00:22:00,387 --> 00:22:03,590 ♪♪ 474 00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:09,062 ♪ HOT DOG HOT DOG ♪ 475 00:22:09,062 --> 00:22:10,263 ♪ HOT DOG YO ♪ 476 00:22:10,263 --> 00:22:15,168 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 477 00:22:15,168 --> 00:22:16,803 >> I FEEL IN DANGER OF ROCKING 478 00:22:16,803 --> 00:22:17,437 TOO MUCH. 479 00:22:17,504 --> 00:22:18,371 I NEED TO SLOW THIS PARTY TRAIN 480 00:22:18,371 --> 00:22:20,907 DOWN BEFORE I GO CRAZY. 481 00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:24,611 >> HEY, NO PROBLEM. 482 00:22:24,611 --> 00:22:26,846 IF YOU WANT TO GET SUPER SEXUAL 483 00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:32,085 DOWNTOWN, THEN GET READY FOR 484 00:22:32,085 --> 00:22:42,829 SUPERSTAR SEXY MUELLER. 485 00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:47,100 ♪ OH YEAH NATURLICH ♪ 486 00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:47,367 ♪♪ 487 00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:53,306 ♪♪ 488 00:22:53,306 --> 00:22:57,210 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 489 00:22:57,210 --> 00:22:59,145 >> WOW. 490 00:22:59,145 --> 00:23:01,948 SO SEXUAL. 491 00:23:01,948 --> 00:23:03,550 I WANT TO PUT HIM IN MY POCKET 492 00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:06,052 AND CARRYING HIM AROUND TOWN. 493 00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:08,288 >> HA HA HA, HE'S MUCH TOO BIG 494 00:23:08,288 --> 00:23:09,689 FOR THAT. 495 00:23:09,689 --> 00:23:11,191 BUT SPARKLE OF THE SEA IS MORE 496 00:23:11,191 --> 00:23:12,092 THAN MUSIC. 497 00:23:12,092 --> 00:23:13,526 WE ALSO HAVE VARIETY ACTS. 498 00:23:13,526 --> 00:23:16,363 >> DO YOU LIKE MAGIC, WHERE 499 00:23:16,363 --> 00:23:18,665 SOMETHING SEEMS ONE WAY, BUT IN 500 00:23:18,665 --> 00:23:19,966 REALITY IT IS ANOTHER? 501 00:23:19,966 --> 00:23:21,868 >> THEN YOU'LL LOVE FELIX THE 502 00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:22,602 FLAWLESS MUSICIAN. 503 00:23:22,602 --> 00:23:24,137 ONE HOUR, ONE TRICK, CONSTANT 504 00:23:24,137 --> 00:23:24,537 FLOURISHES. 505 00:23:24,537 --> 00:23:26,840 LET'S GO! 506 00:23:26,840 --> 00:23:27,173 ♪♪ 507 00:23:27,173 --> 00:23:33,446 ♪♪ 508 00:23:33,446 --> 00:23:45,525 ♪♪ 509 00:23:45,525 --> 00:23:46,126 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 510 00:23:46,126 --> 00:23:49,496 [ LAUGHTER ] 511 00:23:49,496 --> 00:23:50,463 >> WOW. 512 00:23:50,463 --> 00:23:52,499 I LOVE AN EDGY MAGICIAN. 513 00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:54,367 HE TAKES YOU RIGHT TO THE BRINK. 514 00:23:54,367 --> 00:23:55,468 HEY, GUYS. 515 00:23:55,468 --> 00:23:56,703 HERE'S A QUESTION I'D LOVE THE 516 00:23:56,703 --> 00:23:57,237 ANSWER TO. 517 00:23:57,237 --> 00:23:57,837 ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH? 518 00:23:57,837 --> 00:24:02,375 >> NO, I NEED A SECOND. 519 00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:02,842 OKAY, I'M READY! 520 00:24:02,842 --> 00:24:05,712 [ LAUGHTER ] 521 00:24:05,712 --> 00:24:08,848 AND YOU'LL LAUGH MUCH TOO MUCH 522 00:24:08,848 --> 00:24:09,849 AT COMEDIAN JEAN K. JEAN, LET'S 523 00:24:09,849 --> 00:24:14,220 GO! 524 00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:15,522 >> YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, LET 525 00:24:15,522 --> 00:24:16,356 ME ASK Y'ALL A QUESTION. 526 00:24:16,356 --> 00:24:17,924 Y'ALL REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MAMA 527 00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:19,793 USED TO COOK YOU A CASSOULET? 528 00:24:19,793 --> 00:24:21,695 WITH THE DUCK CONFIT? 529 00:24:21,695 --> 00:24:22,262 MAN. 530 00:24:22,262 --> 00:24:25,265 BROTHERS BE EATING SOME 531 00:24:25,265 --> 00:24:26,566 CASSOULETS, BOY. 532 00:24:26,566 --> 00:24:29,536 I COULD EAT ABOUT TREY ALL BY 533 00:24:29,536 --> 00:24:29,869 MYSELF. 534 00:24:30,203 --> 00:24:31,705 BUT THEY AIN'T THE SAME DEED. 535 00:24:31,705 --> 00:24:34,307 MY WOMAN COOKED AM' CASSOULET 536 00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:35,375 WITH SOMETHING THEY CALL 537 00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:37,077 IMPOSSIBLE MEAT. 538 00:24:37,077 --> 00:24:38,878 MAN, I ABOUT TOOK MY ASS ALL THE 539 00:24:38,878 --> 00:24:39,612 WAY TO BRUSSELS. 540 00:24:39,612 --> 00:24:41,214 I TURNED AROUND AND I SAID, 541 00:24:41,214 --> 00:24:42,282 YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S 542 00:24:42,282 --> 00:24:43,183 IMPOSSIBLE MEAT, 'CAUSE 543 00:24:43,183 --> 00:24:46,353 IMPOSSIBLE TO EAT IT. 544 00:24:46,353 --> 00:24:47,120 ♪♪ 545 00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:52,759 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 546 00:24:52,759 --> 00:24:53,493 >> HA HA HA! 547 00:24:53,493 --> 00:24:55,128 >> WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, AM I 548 00:24:55,128 --> 00:24:55,428 RIGHT? 549 00:24:55,428 --> 00:24:56,363 >> JA. 550 00:24:56,363 --> 00:24:58,098 IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THAT SMILE 551 00:24:58,098 --> 00:25:00,734 UPON YOUR FACE, JOIN US IN THE 552 00:25:00,734 --> 00:25:03,203 GRAND BALLROOM FOR A FRIDAY 553 00:25:03,203 --> 00:25:04,504 NIGHT ROCK PARTY MIGHT JUST BLOW 554 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:05,438 YOUR ASS OFF. 555 00:25:05,438 --> 00:25:07,474 >> THEY MAY NOT SPEAK ENGLISH, 556 00:25:07,474 --> 00:25:10,443 BUT THEY SING IT PHONETICALLY. 557 00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:11,177 IT'S CITY VOGUE MACHINE, LET'S 558 00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:14,114 GO! 559 00:25:14,114 --> 00:25:14,447 ♪♪ 560 00:25:14,447 --> 00:25:23,056 ♪♪ 561 00:25:23,056 --> 00:25:27,794 ♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪ 562 00:25:27,794 --> 00:25:30,597 ♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪ 563 00:25:30,597 --> 00:25:34,701 ♪ LADEMELON SUGY ♪ 564 00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:40,373 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 565 00:25:40,373 --> 00:25:42,175 >> TOTALLY NAILED IT. 566 00:25:42,175 --> 00:25:44,511 WASN'T THAT AMAZING, GUUS? 567 00:25:44,511 --> 00:25:46,212 >> HONESTLY, I DID NOT CARE TOO 568 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:47,514 MUCH FOR THAT ONE. 569 00:25:47,514 --> 00:25:47,914 [ LAUGHTER ] 570 00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:50,216 >> BUT WE KNOW YOU LOVE ALL THE 571 00:25:50,216 --> 00:25:52,285 ENTERTAINMENT, BIG AND SPECIAL 572 00:25:52,285 --> 00:25:53,853 EXTRAVAGANZAS ON SPARKLE OF THE 573 00:25:53,853 --> 00:25:55,321 SEA GRAND COSMOPOLITAN CRUISE. 574 00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:56,656 >> A CRUISE IS JUST LIKE BEING 575 00:25:56,656 --> 00:25:59,392 IN A HOTEL, BUT YOU CAN DRUM. 576 00:25:59,392 --> 00:26:01,761 SO COME ON, DRUM WITH US. 577 00:26:01,761 --> 00:26:02,929 >> AND LEAVE THE ENTERTAINMENT 578 00:26:02,929 --> 00:26:03,830 TO WHO? 579 00:26:03,830 --> 00:26:04,931 TO US! 580 00:26:04,931 --> 00:26:05,598 HA HA HA! 581 00:26:05,598 --> 00:26:06,633 >> HA HA HA! 582 00:26:06,633 --> 00:26:10,870 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 583 00:26:23,917 --> 00:26:26,319 All right, guys, thanks for coming in early. 584 00:26:26,319 --> 00:26:28,088 I just wanted to get the team together 585 00:26:28,088 --> 00:26:31,191 before the store opens to discuss some changes 586 00:26:31,191 --> 00:26:33,693 to the Best Buy rewards program. 587 00:26:33,693 --> 00:26:35,428 Points. Points, baby. 588 00:26:35,428 --> 00:26:43,336 Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. 589 00:26:43,336 --> 00:26:45,405 Thank you Rebecca. 590 00:26:45,405 --> 00:26:46,806 Anyway, it's pretty simple. 591 00:26:46,806 --> 00:26:49,075 Starting today, customers who sign up 592 00:26:49,075 --> 00:26:52,779 will be getting double points on all appliances. 593 00:26:52,779 --> 00:26:55,348 Does anyone have any questions? 594 00:26:55,348 --> 00:26:58,084 Yes, I have a question. 595 00:26:58,084 --> 00:27:01,454 Am I in trouble? 596 00:27:01,454 --> 00:27:05,025 No. We're, just here to talk about the rewards program, Mr. 597 00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:06,493 Pooty. 598 00:27:06,493 --> 00:27:07,027 Okay. 599 00:27:07,460 --> 00:27:09,596 Because I had heard that there were some rumors 600 00:27:09,596 --> 00:27:11,564 being spread about me. 601 00:27:11,564 --> 00:27:17,737 Like moving sexually toward some of the men in the store. 602 00:27:17,737 --> 00:27:22,676 I mean, is that why you gathered us like to arrest me 603 00:27:22,676 --> 00:27:25,812 for those rumors? 604 00:27:25,812 --> 00:27:29,416 No. It's our standard Tuesday meeting, Mr. 605 00:27:29,416 --> 00:27:32,786 Pooty. No one's getting arrested. 606 00:27:32,786 --> 00:27:33,086 Okay. 607 00:27:33,153 --> 00:27:35,055 That's good. 608 00:27:35,055 --> 00:27:36,856 Because what they had said was that 609 00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:40,560 I had manipulated the nipples of some of the men. The company. 610 00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:40,827 Like. 611 00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:42,228 If that true. 612 00:27:42,228 --> 00:27:47,400 Like, could that be correct? 613 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,070 I am not aware of that. 614 00:27:50,070 --> 00:27:53,907 Anyway, this change applies to anything 615 00:27:53,907 --> 00:27:57,377 in the appliance section, including air fryers. Guys. 616 00:27:57,377 --> 00:28:00,013 Okay. Does that make sense? Totally. 617 00:28:00,013 --> 00:28:05,018 Yep, yep. Okay, Mr. Pooty, you clear on the points system? 618 00:28:05,018 --> 00:28:07,187 No, not at all. 619 00:28:07,187 --> 00:28:09,356 But what I can say is whatever 620 00:28:09,356 --> 00:28:12,559 I had supposedly did with certain men 621 00:28:12,559 --> 00:28:16,796 was probably something that I had always wanted to do. 622 00:28:16,796 --> 00:28:19,032 And like something that they had liked, 623 00:28:19,032 --> 00:28:21,835 manipulating me, nipples and so forth. 624 00:28:21,835 --> 00:28:25,805 And I'm gonna stand ten toes on that. 625 00:28:25,805 --> 00:28:27,741 Okay. 626 00:28:27,741 --> 00:28:30,577 You know, I'm not totally trying to dig 627 00:28:30,577 --> 00:28:32,679 in to what you're talking about, Mr. 628 00:28:32,679 --> 00:28:35,715 Pooty, but there haven't been any complaints, 629 00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:37,450 and no one is in trouble. 630 00:28:37,450 --> 00:28:40,887 Okay, because if someone were to be arrested, 631 00:28:40,887 --> 00:28:44,357 I would nominate Christopher. 632 00:28:44,357 --> 00:28:47,060 Hey, what did I do? 633 00:28:47,060 --> 00:28:56,069 Well, this man here has a very strong bisexual magnetism. 634 00:28:56,069 --> 00:28:59,339 And every day, he has tried to allure me 635 00:28:59,339 --> 00:29:02,242 effectively against my will 636 00:29:02,242 --> 00:29:05,845 into jeopardizing my job and my reputation. 637 00:29:05,845 --> 00:29:09,683 Whoa! I've never tried to seduce Mr. Pooty. 638 00:29:09,683 --> 00:29:12,819 A man this fine 639 00:29:12,819 --> 00:29:16,556 has no business selling stereophonic sound system. 640 00:29:16,556 --> 00:29:18,692 It's like he was sent by Lucifer himself 641 00:29:18,692 --> 00:29:21,695 to awaken a demon within me. 642 00:29:21,695 --> 00:29:24,197 You want to write that down for the record? No. 643 00:29:24,197 --> 00:29:27,901 Take that off the record. There is no record. 644 00:29:27,901 --> 00:29:30,904 Well, put this on the record. 645 00:29:30,904 --> 00:29:36,343 The other day, a customer came into the PC and computer area, 646 00:29:36,343 --> 00:29:39,446 and they were looking for whaT else, dongles 647 00:29:39,446 --> 00:29:42,349 Christopher said it would be my pleasure 648 00:29:42,349 --> 00:29:48,355 to take you through my the area and show you the dongles. 649 00:29:48,355 --> 00:29:51,958 Man who can't be fed and stuff like that around me. 650 00:29:51,958 --> 00:29:53,326 I had to go on and walk 651 00:29:53,326 --> 00:29:57,497 damn near my whole shift, cool off 652 00:29:57,497 --> 00:29:58,131 Okay. 653 00:29:58,131 --> 00:29:59,733 I'm pretty good at my job. 654 00:29:59,733 --> 00:30:01,768 I don't know how that's a bad thing. 655 00:30:01,768 --> 00:30:02,736 Okay, Mr. 656 00:30:02,736 --> 00:30:05,305 Pooty, it sounds like you're just attracted 657 00:30:05,305 --> 00:30:09,642 to Christopher and upset that it's not reciprocated. 658 00:30:09,642 --> 00:30:13,146 Not precipitated? 659 00:30:13,146 --> 00:30:16,116 No. Christopher. Ben got up in these drawers 660 00:30:16,116 --> 00:30:20,453 Yeah, he manipulated my nipples on my birthday. 661 00:30:20,453 --> 00:30:22,322 Right. And left your fate. 662 00:30:22,322 --> 00:30:25,658 My current wife was, seriously displeased. 663 00:30:25,658 --> 00:30:30,497 I'm sorry. Current wife? Yes, that is correct. 664 00:30:30,497 --> 00:30:32,999 My previous wife passed away in a fountain 665 00:30:32,999 --> 00:30:35,201 that was, like, two inches deep. 666 00:30:35,201 --> 00:30:36,970 I was like, what are you doing down there? 667 00:30:36,970 --> 00:30:38,371 Beth Pooty 668 00:30:38,371 --> 00:30:44,411 Stand up. 669 00:30:44,411 --> 00:30:45,578 It was. 670 00:30:45,578 --> 00:30:48,081 It was so sad, y'all. 671 00:30:48,081 --> 00:30:51,818 Anyways, what was the question, 672 00:30:51,818 --> 00:30:53,353 Mr. Pooty? 673 00:30:53,353 --> 00:30:55,422 If you can't stop being disruptive, 674 00:30:55,422 --> 00:30:57,257 I'll have to give you a ride up. 675 00:30:57,257 --> 00:31:01,628 Hey, don't you dare talk to Mr. Pooty that way. 676 00:31:01,628 --> 00:31:06,533 Oh my God! 677 00:31:06,533 --> 00:31:07,500 He works hard. 678 00:31:07,500 --> 00:31:08,968 That's right, I still do. 679 00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:13,106 Yeah, I've been attracted to Pooty since the day I met him. 680 00:31:13,106 --> 00:31:14,908 I know that's right, 681 00:31:14,908 --> 00:31:16,076 but I immediately told 682 00:31:16,076 --> 00:31:17,811 HR about it, and they said they thought 683 00:31:17,811 --> 00:31:20,680 it'd be really cute and I should go for it. 684 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:21,614 So, yes, 685 00:31:21,614 --> 00:31:24,184 I have manipulated this man's nipples 686 00:31:24,184 --> 00:31:29,556 on multiple occasions, and. There it is. 687 00:31:29,556 --> 00:31:33,326 I have a question for you. It's. 688 00:31:33,326 --> 00:31:35,428 Edwin James Pooty 689 00:31:35,428 --> 00:31:38,098 who will be so kind as to accompany 690 00:31:38,098 --> 00:31:42,769 me on a date at the Cheese Cake factory. 691 00:31:42,769 --> 00:31:44,304 I have a counterproposal 692 00:31:44,304 --> 00:31:46,473 instead of the Cheesecake Factory tonight. 693 00:31:46,473 --> 00:31:50,343 How about the headphone area? Right now 694 00:31:50,343 --> 00:31:52,445 Whatever Pooty wants Pooty gets 695 00:31:52,445 --> 00:31:59,019 I heard, that 696 00:31:59,019 --> 00:32:02,555 Okay. Well, 697 00:32:02,555 --> 00:32:06,126 I guess those guys are going to go hook up in the store. 698 00:32:06,126 --> 00:32:07,293 So. Thanks, everybody. 699 00:32:07,293 --> 00:32:11,164 Meeting's over. And, Rebecca, take your meds, girl. 700 00:32:29,816 --> 00:32:32,819 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HARRY 701 00:32:35,855 --> 00:32:44,798 3 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 702 00:32:44,798 --> 00:32:45,565 ♪♪ 703 00:32:45,565 --> 00:32:46,800 ♪ I DON'T THINK 704 00:32:46,800 --> 00:32:47,801 WE SHOULD BE HERE 705 00:32:47,801 --> 00:32:49,102 I SEE NO WATER OR FRIENDS ♪ 706 00:32:49,102 --> 00:32:50,103 ♪ BUT THE MUSIC 707 00:32:50,103 --> 00:32:51,104 KEEPS HITTING ME 708 00:32:51,104 --> 00:32:52,772 LIKE A TEN OUT OF TEN ♪ 709 00:32:52,772 --> 00:32:56,543 ♪ SO I DON'T THINK 710 00:32:56,543 --> 00:32:57,310 GOT SOMETHING TO SAY 711 00:32:57,310 --> 00:32:58,111 NO I DON'T THINK 712 00:32:58,111 --> 00:33:00,046 GOT SOMETHING TO SAY ♪ 713 00:33:00,046 --> 00:33:01,281 ♪ CONVERSATION IS 714 00:33:01,281 --> 00:33:02,549 HEARING YOU 715 00:33:02,549 --> 00:33:04,050 GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST ♪ 716 00:33:04,050 --> 00:33:05,785 ♪ YOU CAN COME OVER HERE 717 00:33:05,785 --> 00:33:08,288 TO TELL ME AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪ 718 00:33:08,288 --> 00:33:11,057 ♪ WHAT YOU THINK 719 00:33:11,057 --> 00:33:13,293 I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY 720 00:33:13,293 --> 00:33:17,063 NO I DON'T THINK ♪ 721 00:33:17,063 --> 00:33:18,531 ♪ MOVE IT SIDE TO SIDE 722 00:33:18,531 --> 00:33:20,066 WITH YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪ 723 00:33:20,066 --> 00:33:21,067 ♪ KEEP YOUR 724 00:33:21,067 --> 00:33:22,535 CUSTOMER SATISFIED 725 00:33:22,535 --> 00:33:29,209 AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ♪ 726 00:33:29,209 --> 00:33:35,749 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE 727 00:33:35,749 --> 00:33:36,216 THEY SAID ♪ 728 00:33:36,483 --> 00:33:37,951 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 729 00:33:37,951 --> 00:33:38,651 ♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH 730 00:33:38,651 --> 00:33:41,187 ALL OUR FRIENDS 731 00:33:41,187 --> 00:33:42,689 DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 732 00:33:42,689 --> 00:33:43,656 ♪ IT'S FEELING 733 00:33:43,656 --> 00:33:44,657 LIKE THE MUSIC 734 00:33:44,657 --> 00:33:45,658 HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪ 735 00:33:45,658 --> 00:33:46,393 ♪ AND THAT THERE'S 736 00:33:46,393 --> 00:33:47,894 NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN 737 00:33:47,894 --> 00:33:50,663 THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪ 738 00:33:50,663 --> 00:33:54,668 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 739 00:33:54,668 --> 00:33:55,468 ♪ THEY SAID DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE 740 00:33:55,468 --> 00:33:57,937 NO MORE ♪ 741 00:33:57,937 --> 00:34:00,540 ♪♪ 742 00:34:00,540 --> 00:34:06,279 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 743 00:34:06,279 --> 00:34:07,814 ♪ MOVE IT SIDE TO SIDE 744 00:34:07,814 --> 00:34:09,549 WITH YOUR HANDS UP HIGH ♪ 745 00:34:09,549 --> 00:34:10,550 ♪ KEEP YOUR CUSTOMER 746 00:34:10,550 --> 00:34:12,285 SATISFIED 747 00:34:12,285 --> 00:34:15,422 AND LIVE YOUR LIFE ♪ 748 00:34:15,422 --> 00:34:18,091 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE 749 00:34:18,091 --> 00:34:18,792 THEY SAID ♪ 750 00:34:18,792 --> 00:34:23,063 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 751 00:34:23,063 --> 00:34:25,065 ♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH 752 00:34:25,065 --> 00:34:28,835 ALL OUR FRIENDS 753 00:34:28,835 --> 00:34:30,303 DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 754 00:34:30,303 --> 00:34:31,304 ♪ IT'S FEELING 755 00:34:31,304 --> 00:34:32,072 LIKE THE MUSIC 756 00:34:32,072 --> 00:34:34,541 HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪ 757 00:34:34,541 --> 00:34:35,308 ♪ AND THAT THERE'S 758 00:34:35,308 --> 00:34:36,543 NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN 759 00:34:36,543 --> 00:34:39,713 THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪ 760 00:34:39,713 --> 00:34:44,084 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 761 00:34:44,084 --> 00:34:44,884 ♪ THEY SAID DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE 762 00:34:44,884 --> 00:34:46,886 NO MORE ♪ 763 00:34:46,886 --> 00:34:48,688 ♪ GET YOUR FEET WET 764 00:34:48,688 --> 00:34:49,689 TEACH THEM ALL TO RESPECT 765 00:34:49,689 --> 00:34:53,927 THEIR MOTHER ♪ 766 00:34:53,927 --> 00:34:55,428 ♪ YOU GOTTA GET 767 00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:56,663 YOUR FEET WET 768 00:34:56,663 --> 00:34:57,397 RESPECT 769 00:34:57,397 --> 00:34:59,165 RESPECT YOUR MOTHER ♪ 770 00:34:59,165 --> 00:35:05,739 ♪♪ 771 00:35:05,739 --> 00:35:08,775 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 772 00:35:08,775 --> 00:35:09,576 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE 773 00:35:09,576 --> 00:35:12,178 THEY SAID ♪ 774 00:35:12,178 --> 00:35:15,415 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 775 00:35:15,415 --> 00:35:16,916 ♪ WE WANNA DANCE WITH 776 00:35:16,916 --> 00:35:19,552 ALL OUR FRIENDS 777 00:35:19,552 --> 00:35:23,790 DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 778 00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:24,791 ♪ IT'S FEELING 779 00:35:24,791 --> 00:35:25,792 LIKE THE MUSIC 780 00:35:25,792 --> 00:35:27,293 HAS BEEN HEAVEN SENT ♪ 781 00:35:27,293 --> 00:35:28,294 ♪ AND THAT THERE'S 782 00:35:28,294 --> 00:35:30,830 NO DIFFERENCE IN BETWEEN 783 00:35:30,830 --> 00:35:33,299 THE TEARS AND THE SWEAT UH ♪ 784 00:35:33,299 --> 00:35:35,568 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE 785 00:35:35,568 --> 00:35:36,069 THEY SAID ♪ 786 00:35:36,302 --> 00:35:39,305 ♪ DEEJAYS DON'T DANCE NO MORE ♪ 787 00:35:39,305 --> 00:35:40,273 ♪ YOU GOTTA GET 788 00:35:40,273 --> 00:35:41,274 YOUR FEET WET 789 00:35:41,274 --> 00:35:43,076 RESPECT 790 00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:44,444 RESPECT YOUR MOTHER ♪ 791 00:35:44,444 --> 00:35:55,789 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 792 00:36:04,698 --> 00:36:06,900 It's Weekend Update with Colin 793 00:36:06,900 --> 00:36:14,641 Jost and Michael Che. 794 00:36:14,641 --> 00:36:17,577 Thank you. 795 00:36:17,577 --> 00:36:19,779 Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening everyone. 796 00:36:19,779 --> 00:36:24,951 Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. 797 00:36:24,951 --> 00:36:28,588 Today marks the start of the third week of the war in Iran, 798 00:36:28,588 --> 00:36:30,290 which is weird because someone told me 799 00:36:30,290 --> 00:36:33,526 that we already won it on the first day. 800 00:36:33,526 --> 00:36:35,628 Usually when a team wins, they don't 801 00:36:35,628 --> 00:36:39,099 then stay on the field for three more weeks. 802 00:36:39,099 --> 00:36:40,734 It kind of seems like the main thing we've done 803 00:36:40,734 --> 00:36:44,771 so far is get rid of an 86 year old Ayatollah Khomeini 804 00:36:44,771 --> 00:36:48,274 and replace him with a 56 year old Ayatollah Khomeini. 805 00:36:48,274 --> 00:36:52,912 You know, a younger, crazier bad guy hell bent on revenge. 806 00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:55,215 We did it. 807 00:36:55,215 --> 00:36:57,083 Also, is it weird that I'm kind of jealous 808 00:36:57,083 --> 00:37:00,053 that Iran now has a leader under 80 years old? 809 00:37:01,087 --> 00:37:03,423 Got to remember how much better our country was doing 810 00:37:03,423 --> 00:37:09,429 when we had a young Muslim leader. 811 00:37:11,464 --> 00:37:14,167 I don't know if he caught the Muslim part. 812 00:37:14,167 --> 00:37:15,568 President Trump said in an interview 813 00:37:15,568 --> 00:37:17,337 that he believes Iran's Ayatollah 814 00:37:17,337 --> 00:37:23,343 Mujtaba Khamenei is damaged, but probably alive in some form, 815 00:37:23,543 --> 00:37:28,782 which is also a pretty great description of Trump. 816 00:37:28,782 --> 00:37:34,754 Khamenei was chosen by Iran's 88 member Assembly of Experts. 817 00:37:34,754 --> 00:37:40,126 Make that 62 members. 818 00:37:40,126 --> 00:37:42,395 President Trump posted a message on truth. 819 00:37:42,395 --> 00:37:45,632 Social reading Iran will have a great future. 820 00:37:45,632 --> 00:37:51,638 Make Iran great again or MAGA as in this mega crazy. 821 00:37:56,142 --> 00:37:58,878 I wanted to do that one. 822 00:37:58,878 --> 00:38:02,682 The FBI has reportedly warned police departments in California 823 00:38:02,682 --> 00:38:05,385 that Iran could retaliate by launching drones 824 00:38:05,385 --> 00:38:08,221 at high profile targets on the West Coast. 825 00:38:08,221 --> 00:38:10,390 The Oscars tomorrow on ABC. 826 00:38:15,595 --> 00:38:18,198 Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr, 827 00:38:18,198 --> 00:38:24,170 seen here back from his mission to the sun. 828 00:38:25,271 --> 00:38:27,707 Said he's recovering from rotator 829 00:38:27,707 --> 00:38:29,642 cuff surgery on his shoulder. 830 00:38:29,642 --> 00:38:35,648 Well, well, well, look who needs me now, said Tylenol. 831 00:38:36,483 --> 00:38:39,285 A school board in new Jersey is considering a proposal 832 00:38:39,285 --> 00:38:42,288 to rename an elementary school after President Trump 833 00:38:42,288 --> 00:38:48,294 named Trump Elementary, home of the fighting allegations. 834 00:38:50,430 --> 00:38:50,730 Come on. 835 00:38:51,064 --> 00:38:53,066 You like this a statue. 836 00:38:53,066 --> 00:38:55,669 A statue has appeared on the National Mall 837 00:38:55,669 --> 00:38:58,238 that depicts President Trump and Jeffrey Epstein 838 00:38:58,238 --> 00:39:02,275 in the famous pose from Titanic. Because, as they said 839 00:39:02,275 --> 00:39:08,281 on the Titanic, women and children first. 840 00:39:11,718 --> 00:39:12,886 North Korean leader Kim 841 00:39:12,886 --> 00:39:16,189 Jong un took his teenage daughter to a munitions factory 842 00:39:16,189 --> 00:39:19,025 where they test fired pistols together. 843 00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:22,662 Girl dad. 844 00:39:22,662 --> 00:39:26,032 A special election was held in Georgia to replace Marjorie 845 00:39:26,032 --> 00:39:27,067 Taylor Greene. 846 00:39:27,067 --> 00:39:28,935 The election was won by the candidate 847 00:39:28,935 --> 00:39:31,805 most similar to Greene, a Confederate He-Man doll. 848 00:39:35,742 --> 00:39:38,445 Industry experts are saying that the best actor of tomorrow 849 00:39:38,445 --> 00:39:39,813 night's Oscars will go to either 850 00:39:39,813 --> 00:39:43,416 Michael B Jordan, an actor who embody two separate roles 851 00:39:43,416 --> 00:39:46,519 exploring themes of race and ancestral trauma, 852 00:39:46,519 --> 00:39:52,492 or ping pong guy. 853 00:39:53,259 --> 00:39:55,195 While many are excited for the Oscars tomorrow, 854 00:39:55,195 --> 00:39:57,063 some people think liberal politics 855 00:39:57,063 --> 00:39:59,299 are influencing the awards too much. 856 00:39:59,299 --> 00:40:00,400 Here, with his take, 857 00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:06,406 is conservative commentator Tucker Carlson. 858 00:40:06,606 --> 00:40:08,575 Thank you for calling. 859 00:40:08,575 --> 00:40:11,811 Let's all go to the movies, 860 00:40:11,811 --> 00:40:13,246 Really? Yes. 861 00:40:13,246 --> 00:40:14,781 Why don't we grab some popcorn 862 00:40:14,781 --> 00:40:17,851 and watch American culture collapse? 863 00:40:17,851 --> 00:40:21,388 What are we doing? What's going on? 864 00:40:21,388 --> 00:40:21,888 All right. 865 00:40:21,988 --> 00:40:23,056 All right. Coming in hot. 866 00:40:23,056 --> 00:40:25,859 Well, how do you feel about this year's nominees? 867 00:40:25,859 --> 00:40:27,727 Where to even begin? 868 00:40:27,727 --> 00:40:31,097 Oh, I know. Why don't we talk about sinners? 869 00:40:31,097 --> 00:40:34,668 That's right. Sinners? Because, of course, leftist woke. 870 00:40:34,668 --> 00:40:37,604 America's favorite movie this year is about sinning. 871 00:40:39,105 --> 00:40:39,973 Wait, wait. 872 00:40:40,073 --> 00:40:42,942 Why does that not surprise me? No. Sorry, kids. 873 00:40:42,942 --> 00:40:45,945 We don't go to church anymore. We go to sinners. 874 00:40:45,945 --> 00:40:49,683 That's the rule. That's the goal. Now. 875 00:40:49,683 --> 00:40:51,351 What are we doing? 876 00:40:51,351 --> 00:40:54,320 What's going on? 877 00:40:54,320 --> 00:40:56,389 Oh, okay. 878 00:40:56,389 --> 00:41:00,593 All right, so you didn't. You didn't like sinners. 879 00:41:00,593 --> 00:41:03,697 You didn't like sinners? What about Hamnet O Hamnet? 880 00:41:03,697 --> 00:41:06,666 Because we're not allowed to say hamlet anymore. 881 00:41:06,666 --> 00:41:10,904 No, no. He took the L and gave it to the Gbtq. 882 00:41:10,904 --> 00:41:14,708 Oh, so it's Hamnet now. What are you doing? 883 00:41:14,708 --> 00:41:16,710 What's going on? 884 00:41:16,710 --> 00:41:18,678 Hamnet, a movie about a boy 885 00:41:18,678 --> 00:41:20,947 who shows interest in theater, dies. 886 00:41:20,947 --> 00:41:25,985 Oh, I actually really liked that part. 887 00:41:25,985 --> 00:41:27,887 That's the part you liked. Excuse me. 888 00:41:27,887 --> 00:41:32,559 Hey. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Hey! Excuse me. 889 00:41:32,559 --> 00:41:34,961 No one is interrupting is me. 890 00:41:34,961 --> 00:41:39,666 Excuse me. Just moving on to Begonia, 891 00:41:39,666 --> 00:41:40,500 Really? 892 00:41:40,500 --> 00:41:41,568 I guess heterosexual 893 00:41:41,568 --> 00:41:44,404 women aren't allowed to have hair anymore. 894 00:41:44,404 --> 00:41:47,640 They have to shave their heads instead of their armpits. 895 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,610 And I'm supposed to be attracted to that? 896 00:41:50,610 --> 00:41:54,014 No. Oh. Oh, boys, don't look at my breasts. 897 00:41:54,014 --> 00:41:57,851 Look at my scalp. That's the rule. 898 00:41:57,851 --> 00:42:00,253 That's the goal now. 899 00:42:00,253 --> 00:42:02,355 What do we keep? You keep talking about a goal. 900 00:42:02,355 --> 00:42:03,523 What goal? 901 00:42:03,523 --> 00:42:04,791 Colin, whatever 902 00:42:04,791 --> 00:42:08,361 happened to the great American films like Gone with the wind 903 00:42:08,361 --> 00:42:11,431 or the first 20 minutes of Forrest Gump? 904 00:42:11,431 --> 00:42:12,399 The first 20. 905 00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:13,767 You mean the part where they're bullying him? 906 00:42:13,767 --> 00:42:19,439 I love that part. 907 00:42:19,439 --> 00:42:22,342 I mean. 908 00:42:22,342 --> 00:42:25,512 Man, dude, I gotta I gotta tell you, that laugh is just awful. 909 00:42:25,512 --> 00:42:26,780 That's not my laugh. 910 00:42:26,780 --> 00:42:29,582 That's the soul of an 18th century mental patient 911 00:42:29,582 --> 00:42:31,551 trying to escape from this locket. 912 00:42:32,919 --> 00:42:34,154 Why do you have that? 913 00:42:34,154 --> 00:42:37,657 And finally, one battle after another. 914 00:42:37,657 --> 00:42:38,658 What is this? 915 00:42:38,658 --> 00:42:40,193 What's going on? 916 00:42:40,193 --> 00:42:41,227 I'm genuinely asking. 917 00:42:41,227 --> 00:42:42,595 I did not see that movie. 918 00:42:42,595 --> 00:42:47,534 Tucker Carlson, everything on this film. 919 00:42:47,534 --> 00:42:49,102 Hey. Excuse me. 920 00:42:49,102 --> 00:42:53,373 Excuse me. Excuse me. 921 00:42:53,373 --> 00:42:55,542 Ma'am, out of bio of the Miami Heat. 922 00:42:55,542 --> 00:42:58,878 Scored 83 points in a game against the Wizards. 923 00:42:58,878 --> 00:43:01,247 Unfortunately, it was the night the Wizards started. 924 00:43:01,247 --> 00:43:06,286 Five Make-A-Wish kids. 925 00:43:06,286 --> 00:43:09,589 These jokes are not real, guys. 926 00:43:09,589 --> 00:43:15,228 Taco Bell has announced new additions to their. 927 00:43:15,228 --> 00:43:16,629 Duties. 928 00:43:16,629 --> 00:43:18,732 Do you like work for Taco Bell, or are you just 929 00:43:18,732 --> 00:43:21,768 just a huge fan? 930 00:43:21,768 --> 00:43:23,236 Everyone else is like Harry styles. 931 00:43:23,236 --> 00:43:26,239 You're like Taco Bell. 932 00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:28,608 Taco Bell's announced new additions to their menu, 933 00:43:28,608 --> 00:43:33,880 including Diablo dusted chicken nuggets and Mountain Dew Baja 934 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:37,784 Midnight Pie. In keeping with their new slogan, 935 00:43:37,784 --> 00:43:40,186 Taco Bell Death to America. 936 00:43:42,756 --> 00:43:43,623 That one might be real. 937 00:43:43,623 --> 00:43:44,090 Florida 938 00:43:44,758 --> 00:43:47,494 police have arrested a woman on charges that she left her 939 00:43:47,494 --> 00:43:50,430 12 year old daughter at universal CityWalk 940 00:43:50,430 --> 00:43:52,098 while she went to a bar. 941 00:43:52,098 --> 00:43:58,104 So apparently it's a crime to find that kid a father. 942 00:44:00,407 --> 00:44:01,041 YouTube. 943 00:44:01,141 --> 00:44:03,943 That's the goal. What's the goal? 944 00:44:03,943 --> 00:44:06,379 YouTube has launched a new tool that will allow reporters 945 00:44:06,379 --> 00:44:10,417 to flag videos that use AI to recreate their likeness. 946 00:44:10,417 --> 00:44:14,254 Like these computer generated reporters, 947 00:44:14,254 --> 00:44:20,260 I think I would know if they were using A.I.. 948 00:44:26,599 --> 00:44:29,169 My breasts look incredible. 949 00:44:29,169 --> 00:44:30,303 A new study suggests 950 00:44:30,303 --> 00:44:33,239 that the difference in size between a person's index 951 00:44:33,239 --> 00:44:37,077 and ring fingers can reveal their sexual orientation. 952 00:44:37,077 --> 00:44:39,946 The study says if your index finger is over 953 00:44:39,946 --> 00:44:45,919 an inch inside of a fella, he might be gay. 954 00:44:47,420 --> 00:44:48,621 I didn't know that. 955 00:44:48,621 --> 00:44:51,858 It's good to know. It's a good that's a good way to know. 956 00:44:51,858 --> 00:44:54,260 Apple announced that it's adding eight new emojis, 957 00:44:54,260 --> 00:44:57,097 including a treasure chest, a trombone 958 00:44:57,097 --> 00:44:59,866 and me in middle school, breaking my father's heart. 959 00:45:04,471 --> 00:45:07,507 Netflix announced plans for a sequel to the hit movie 960 00:45:07,507 --> 00:45:10,810 K-pop Demon Hunters, and they better have new songs, 961 00:45:10,810 --> 00:45:13,713 because if I hear a kid sing Golden one more time, 962 00:45:13,713 --> 00:45:19,719 I'm going to blow my brains up, up, up. 963 00:45:21,521 --> 00:45:24,491 Same Taco Bell person liked it. 964 00:45:24,491 --> 00:45:27,560 The winners of the annual why of carrying contests 965 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,963 in England was a couple from Finland. 966 00:45:29,963 --> 00:45:32,132 Well, once again, the winner of the Husband 967 00:45:32,132 --> 00:45:38,138 carrying contest was Scarlett. 968 00:45:43,410 --> 00:45:47,280 We both put food on the table. 969 00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:49,916 There's different kinds of food. 970 00:45:49,916 --> 00:45:52,085 Apple is releasing eight new emojis 971 00:45:52,085 --> 00:45:53,119 this spring, as I mentioned. 972 00:45:53,119 --> 00:45:54,320 Here to comment are, 973 00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:57,891 according to the latest data, the number one most used 974 00:45:57,891 --> 00:46:00,560 and number one least used emojis. 975 00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,396 Red heart and aerial tramway. 976 00:46:03,396 --> 00:46:08,868 All of your red heart in the house. 977 00:46:08,868 --> 00:46:13,473 Y'all know me. Y'all know me. Aerial tramway. 978 00:46:15,575 --> 00:46:19,379 Moving your tram line. 979 00:46:19,379 --> 00:46:22,882 Yeah. Wow. Thanks for both being here. 980 00:46:22,882 --> 00:46:24,484 So, what do you think about the new emojis? 981 00:46:24,484 --> 00:46:24,851 Dude, 982 00:46:25,251 --> 00:46:26,319 all I know is they're all going to 983 00:46:26,319 --> 00:46:29,255 be more popular than this loser, you know? 984 00:46:29,255 --> 00:46:32,792 Number one, because I'm useful, people use me for everything. 985 00:46:32,792 --> 00:46:35,895 I miss you, heart. Here's a pic of my dog heart. 986 00:46:35,895 --> 00:46:39,065 Here's a pic of my bare ass heart. Hard, hard hard heart. 987 00:46:39,065 --> 00:46:41,067 Aerial tramway is only used 988 00:46:41,067 --> 00:46:44,871 when talking about that specific cable based transportation. 989 00:46:44,871 --> 00:46:49,776 Tap tap tap tap tap. No, it's the cap. Cap. 990 00:46:49,776 --> 00:46:50,910 No it's not. 991 00:46:50,910 --> 00:46:53,146 When would someone use you? Okay. 992 00:46:53,146 --> 00:46:57,650 Hey, I'm going to take the aerial tramway. 993 00:46:57,650 --> 00:47:02,088 Hey, I'm on the aerial tramway. 994 00:47:02,088 --> 00:47:02,689 Okay. 995 00:47:03,223 --> 00:47:05,892 What other uses that aren't about physically riding it? 996 00:47:05,892 --> 00:47:12,465 Yo, man, girl got me acting like an aerial tramway. 997 00:47:12,665 --> 00:47:15,468 That makes no sense. It makes all the sense. 998 00:47:15,468 --> 00:47:18,772 Makes no sense. Makes no sense. 999 00:47:18,772 --> 00:47:21,875 Colin. You should see this guy's crew. They're such dorks. 1000 00:47:21,875 --> 00:47:22,842 Oh, wait. 1001 00:47:22,942 --> 00:47:25,612 I didn't realize that emojis have friends. Yes, men. 1002 00:47:25,612 --> 00:47:27,213 And my crew is fire. 1003 00:47:27,213 --> 00:47:30,950 I roll with, like, crying tears face. He's cool as hell. 1004 00:47:30,950 --> 00:47:34,187 Thumbs up. That's my OG original gangster. 1005 00:47:34,187 --> 00:47:37,323 The eyes like this. Boom! 1006 00:47:37,323 --> 00:47:40,960 That's my dog. Okay. And, 100 with two lines under it. 1007 00:47:40,960 --> 00:47:44,464 That's what they want. No. My crew. 1008 00:47:44,464 --> 00:47:50,270 All bangers. I'm rolling with my boy. Orange square. 1009 00:47:53,773 --> 00:47:54,474 Orange square. 1010 00:47:54,774 --> 00:48:00,480 Suck not to shut up, cause we got division sign. 1011 00:48:00,780 --> 00:48:03,783 It's dog water. He sucks. Norco. 1012 00:48:03,783 --> 00:48:07,354 It's snark and liquid. Me 1013 00:48:07,354 --> 00:48:12,192 and my boy, the goat building with the horn on it. 1014 00:48:12,192 --> 00:48:15,228 Building with a horn on it. 1015 00:48:15,228 --> 00:48:17,864 With the horn on it. What even is that? 1016 00:48:17,864 --> 00:48:18,898 What is what? What even is that? 1017 00:48:18,898 --> 00:48:24,170 Is that like a, a horn store or a horn school? 1018 00:48:24,170 --> 00:48:26,539 That's just as bad. It makes no sense. 1019 00:48:26,539 --> 00:48:29,509 You don't make no sense. 1020 00:48:29,509 --> 00:48:36,049 Most of most of aerial tramway, aerial tramway boast. 1021 00:48:36,416 --> 00:48:39,719 But dude, it sucks, dude. Well, 1022 00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:42,255 most of it. 1023 00:48:42,255 --> 00:48:46,359 Most of his. Most of his crew is RBF. 1024 00:48:46,359 --> 00:48:47,861 Oh, sorry. What's RBF? 1025 00:48:47,861 --> 00:48:52,832 It's right before the flags. 1026 00:48:52,832 --> 00:48:53,900 You know. 1027 00:48:53,900 --> 00:48:56,870 You know how the flags are at the end, right? 1028 00:48:56,870 --> 00:48:59,105 This dude and all his loser friends. 1029 00:49:00,306 --> 00:49:02,175 What? 1030 00:49:02,175 --> 00:49:06,012 Aerial tramway hybrid framework. 1031 00:49:06,012 --> 00:49:09,916 They're right there, right before the flags, dude. 1032 00:49:09,916 --> 00:49:11,017 Everybody always friends. 1033 00:49:11,017 --> 00:49:15,588 And you know how the. 1034 00:49:15,588 --> 00:49:17,524 Because he's back there with all the flags. 1035 00:49:17,524 --> 00:49:20,226 That's why he can't get a finesse girl like I can. 1036 00:49:20,226 --> 00:49:23,596 Oh, wow. Red heart, you got a girlfriend? Yeah. 1037 00:49:23,596 --> 00:49:24,531 It's kind of new. 1038 00:49:24,531 --> 00:49:26,566 I don't want to jinx it, but, 1039 00:49:26,566 --> 00:49:28,568 I kind of been chilling with the lady dancer 1040 00:49:28,568 --> 00:49:32,038 in the red dress with her arms like this. 1041 00:49:32,038 --> 00:49:33,907 Ugly. 1042 00:49:33,907 --> 00:49:35,809 Ugly. 1043 00:49:35,809 --> 00:49:39,045 Ugly. My girl. Yo, shout out to my girl. 1044 00:49:39,045 --> 00:49:42,515 The word on with two arrows above it. 1045 00:49:42,515 --> 00:49:46,619 The word hole with two arrows above it. That is so sad. 1046 00:49:46,619 --> 00:49:48,054 That is so sad. 1047 00:49:48,054 --> 00:49:54,060 Under what circumstances would anyone ever use that emoji? 1048 00:49:54,194 --> 00:49:56,396 Let me think. 1049 00:49:56,396 --> 00:50:02,135 If something to both the left and the right is on. 1050 00:50:03,837 --> 00:50:04,504 All right. 1051 00:50:04,971 --> 00:50:07,407 I can't even be here anymore. I can't be with this guy. 1052 00:50:07,407 --> 00:50:08,942 Thanks for having me. I got to go home. 1053 00:50:08,942 --> 00:50:10,243 Leaving? Where are we? 1054 00:50:10,243 --> 00:50:14,948 How are you getting home? 1055 00:50:14,948 --> 00:50:17,817 Say it. 1056 00:50:17,817 --> 00:50:20,820 Say it. 1057 00:50:20,820 --> 00:50:26,960 I'm taking the aerial tramway Grand for an aerial tramway 1058 00:50:26,960 --> 00:50:28,795 for Weekend update. I'm Colin Jost 1059 00:50:28,795 --> 00:50:32,098 I'm Michael Che. Goodnight. Aerial tramway. 1060 00:50:46,012 --> 00:50:49,783 You sure you'll be okay carrying these on your motorcycle? 1061 00:50:49,783 --> 00:50:53,553 Who, me? Yeah. I got this under control, man. 1062 00:50:53,553 --> 00:50:55,689 I've never done it before, but 1063 00:50:55,689 --> 00:50:57,824 I'll only be driving on the highway. 1064 00:50:57,824 --> 00:51:02,395 So take care, man. 1065 00:51:02,395 --> 00:51:06,800 Steve, you forgot the part where he pays again. 1066 00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:08,435 I know you're the high school quarterback, 1067 00:51:08,435 --> 00:51:12,172 but this job needs to be a priority for you, okay? 1068 00:51:12,172 --> 00:51:14,107 This job is a priority for me. 1069 00:51:14,107 --> 00:51:17,844 He goes football school, my boys weed, my boys, 1070 00:51:17,844 --> 00:51:20,213 my sneakers, a few other things that I'm forgetting. 1071 00:51:20,213 --> 00:51:25,085 Then this job. Well, look alive. Another one's pulling up. 1072 00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:26,986 Okay. He's here. Steve's working. 1073 00:51:26,986 --> 00:51:27,520 Okay. 1074 00:51:27,854 --> 00:51:29,222 We're just going to ask him straight up. 1075 00:51:29,222 --> 00:51:31,324 Okay, well, say, Steve, you want to go dance 1076 00:51:31,324 --> 00:51:34,194 and he'll say yes. A resounding yes, resounding yes. 1077 00:51:34,194 --> 00:51:35,895 We got this. Okay. We're ready, we're ready. 1078 00:51:35,895 --> 00:51:38,798 We got this right. Okay. 1079 00:51:38,798 --> 00:51:39,432 Hi, there. 1080 00:51:39,432 --> 00:51:44,904 That'll be 1897. 1081 00:51:44,904 --> 00:51:45,872 Order 23. 1082 00:51:45,872 --> 00:51:49,009 Right. 1083 00:51:49,009 --> 00:51:49,409 Oh, wait. 1084 00:51:49,409 --> 00:51:50,977 I know you guys. 1085 00:51:50,977 --> 00:51:55,982 We go to high school together. 1086 00:51:55,982 --> 00:51:58,418 That broke the mold when he made you look fabulous. 1087 00:51:58,418 --> 00:52:02,789 Steve. Prof. Tickets for the lady may be on the front. 1088 00:52:07,160 --> 00:52:10,563 Steve. Did you not even give those people their burgers? 1089 00:52:10,563 --> 00:52:11,464 What is going on? 1090 00:52:11,464 --> 00:52:13,833 Why are people speeding around the building? 1091 00:52:13,833 --> 00:52:16,269 It's just these two girls from my high school. 1092 00:52:16,269 --> 00:52:17,604 Do you know them? 1093 00:52:17,604 --> 00:52:19,105 No, but I know they're the only 1094 00:52:19,105 --> 00:52:23,343 two members of the school's Quidditch team. 1095 00:52:23,343 --> 00:52:26,613 That worked perfectly for you. 1096 00:52:26,613 --> 00:52:27,180 Oh, my gosh. 1097 00:52:27,380 --> 00:52:28,748 Shining like I think you have them 1098 00:52:28,748 --> 00:52:30,483 wrapped around our finger like a snake. 1099 00:52:30,483 --> 00:52:31,484 How could you say no? 1100 00:52:31,484 --> 00:52:32,819 I mean, he's getting a bargain. 1101 00:52:32,819 --> 00:52:35,555 He's a ten one, two five deal of a lifetime. 1102 00:52:35,555 --> 00:52:40,760 Okay, we set the bait. Now, what's real big? 1103 00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:42,328 Hey. Hey, guys. 1104 00:52:42,328 --> 00:52:46,299 Again. You guys want your burger? 1105 00:52:46,299 --> 00:52:47,867 Well, Steve, the burgers are good, 1106 00:52:47,867 --> 00:52:48,702 but what about the boy? 1107 00:52:49,102 --> 00:52:50,970 They say I would like to crunch you up like a bag of chips. 1108 00:52:50,970 --> 00:52:52,439 Okay. Sounds like a plan. 1109 00:52:52,439 --> 00:52:55,275 How about I use your ass as a table? Put my elbows on it. 1110 00:52:55,275 --> 00:52:57,377 Not a matter in sight. Did I say ass? 1111 00:52:57,377 --> 00:53:00,480 I meant to say ass. Drive, drive drive. 1112 00:53:00,480 --> 00:53:03,616 Course for four point. 1113 00:53:03,616 --> 00:53:05,852 Steve, what is going on there? 1114 00:53:05,852 --> 00:53:10,323 Racing around here like a NASCAR track? It's not my fault. 1115 00:53:10,323 --> 00:53:13,560 Am I on Impractical Jokers right now? 1116 00:53:13,560 --> 00:53:16,229 Am I being practically joked upon 1117 00:53:16,229 --> 00:53:19,265 because I cannot let that happen again? 1118 00:53:19,265 --> 00:53:21,067 What are you facing? 1119 00:53:21,067 --> 00:53:22,635 Oh my God. What's your next move? 1120 00:53:22,635 --> 00:53:26,106 I think next time we, we just say like, hey, dance like. 1121 00:53:26,106 --> 00:53:28,641 Simple as that. Okay. That's perfect. Okay. 1122 00:53:32,679 --> 00:53:33,913 Hello, Steve. 1123 00:53:33,913 --> 00:53:35,849 So does your penis. No. 1124 00:53:35,849 --> 00:53:40,186 Go go go go go go go for it. 1125 00:53:40,186 --> 00:53:44,691 Steve, those girls are doing frickin donuts out there, 1126 00:53:44,691 --> 00:53:49,095 Mr. Burger. Steve. Hey, did you guys want your burger? 1127 00:53:49,095 --> 00:53:51,164 Steve, I'll tell you what. I want to ride you to death. 1128 00:53:51,164 --> 00:53:53,533 Of course 1129 00:53:53,533 --> 00:53:54,401 I'm a virgin. 1130 00:53:54,634 --> 00:53:57,937 But I have a book that tells me exactly how it works. 1131 00:53:57,937 --> 00:53:59,205 And, Steve, if we went all the way 1132 00:53:59,205 --> 00:54:00,140 and if it came down to it, 1133 00:54:00,140 --> 00:54:05,211 I want you to know I wouldn't keep it. 1134 00:54:05,211 --> 00:54:09,049 What's going on with you guys? 1135 00:54:09,049 --> 00:54:10,050 Look, 1136 00:54:10,050 --> 00:54:14,387 we got nervous, but we came here to ask you something. 1137 00:54:14,387 --> 00:54:17,824 Well, you want to dance with us? 1138 00:54:17,824 --> 00:54:19,592 I would love to go to the dance with both of you. 1139 00:54:19,592 --> 00:54:23,096 But, guys, it's the deal of a lifetime. 1140 00:54:23,096 --> 00:54:24,164 I'm a ten, 1141 00:54:24,297 --> 00:54:29,436 and you guys are both sexes in two sixes add up to, like, 11 1142 00:54:29,436 --> 00:54:32,072 sixes. Oh, my God, he goes to sixes. 1143 00:54:32,072 --> 00:54:33,673 He thinks we're beautiful. 1144 00:54:33,673 --> 00:54:36,643 Well, I'll see you two at the dance. 1145 00:54:36,643 --> 00:54:39,746 Dancing the night away with you, Steve. Sounds like a plan. 1146 00:54:40,914 --> 00:54:41,948 Excuse me. 1147 00:54:41,948 --> 00:54:45,151 What a crappy motorcycle. 1148 00:54:45,151 --> 00:54:48,388 Can you two sevens take me to the hospital 1149 00:54:48,388 --> 00:54:54,961 service? To. 1150 00:55:05,138 --> 00:55:08,842 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1151 00:55:08,842 --> 00:55:11,244 >>> ONCE AGAIN, HARRY STYLES! 1152 00:55:11,244 --> 00:55:15,915 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1153 00:55:15,915 --> 00:55:20,053 ♪♪ 1154 00:55:20,053 --> 00:55:21,888 ♪ TELL ME YOUR FEARS 1155 00:55:21,888 --> 00:55:22,889 I'VE TURNED BACK 1156 00:55:22,889 --> 00:55:23,656 THE CLOCKS 1157 00:55:23,656 --> 00:55:25,658 IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR ♪ 1158 00:55:25,658 --> 00:55:26,659 ♪ IF WE STAY THE COURSE 1159 00:55:26,659 --> 00:55:29,162 WE COULD GET IT RIGHT 1160 00:55:29,162 --> 00:55:34,134 BUT I'M NOT DEVOID 1161 00:55:34,134 --> 00:55:41,074 OF AN APPETITE ♪ 1162 00:55:41,074 --> 00:55:43,343 ♪ AND ALL OF IT SEEMS TO BE 1163 00:55:43,343 --> 00:55:53,253 BRINGING US CLOSER ♪ 1164 00:55:53,253 --> 00:55:55,522 ♪ JUST FOR TONIGHT 1165 00:55:55,522 --> 00:55:56,556 LET'S GO HANGOVER CHASING 1166 00:55:56,556 --> 00:55:57,791 AND I'LL TALK YOUR EAR OFF 1167 00:55:57,791 --> 00:55:59,759 ABOUT WHY IT'S SAFE ♪ 1168 00:55:59,759 --> 00:56:01,261 ♪ AS I FUMBLE MY WORDS 1169 00:56:01,261 --> 00:56:02,262 AND FALL FLAT ON MY FACE 1170 00:56:02,262 --> 00:56:07,801 THROUGH THE TRUTH ♪ 1171 00:56:07,801 --> 00:56:09,035 ♪ JUST SAY THE WORD AND 1172 00:56:09,035 --> 00:56:10,303 WE'LL TAKE UP THE TEST ♪ 1173 00:56:10,303 --> 00:56:11,271 ♪ WHERE WE FLIRT 1174 00:56:11,271 --> 00:56:13,273 WITH THE BAD ONES 1175 00:56:13,273 --> 00:56:15,542 AND SKIP ALL THE REST ♪ 1176 00:56:15,542 --> 00:56:17,277 ♪ BUT WE SEE OUT THE NIGHT 1177 00:56:17,277 --> 00:56:18,278 WITH YOUR HEAD ON MY CHEST 1178 00:56:18,278 --> 00:56:26,286 ME AND YOU 1179 00:56:26,286 --> 00:56:33,526 THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪ 1180 00:56:33,526 --> 00:56:34,828 ♪ NOW I SEE YOUR TEARS 1181 00:56:34,828 --> 00:56:36,296 ON ACCOUNT OF MY WANTS 1182 00:56:36,296 --> 00:56:39,065 AND NOW IT APPEARS ♪ 1183 00:56:39,065 --> 00:56:40,767 ♪ THAT I'M FEELING 1184 00:56:40,767 --> 00:56:42,535 GUILTY AND WORRIED DEAR 1185 00:56:42,535 --> 00:56:44,537 THAT YOU THINK THAT 1186 00:56:44,537 --> 00:56:49,776 I MIGHT NOT WANT YOU HERE ♪ 1187 00:56:49,776 --> 00:56:51,544 ♪ DOES ALL OF THIS SEEM 1188 00:56:51,544 --> 00:56:53,813 TO BE BRINGING US CLOSER ♪ 1189 00:56:53,813 --> 00:56:55,548 ♪ OR AM I BACK-SEATING 1190 00:56:55,548 --> 00:57:00,020 YOUR LIFE 1191 00:57:00,020 --> 00:57:05,025 JUDGING WHILE YOU DRIVE ♪ 1192 00:57:05,025 --> 00:57:07,027 ♪ JUST FOR TONIGHT 1193 00:57:07,027 --> 00:57:08,762 LET'S GO HANGOVER CHASING 1194 00:57:08,762 --> 00:57:11,297 AND I'LL TALK YOUR EAR OFF 1195 00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:16,536 ABOUT WHY IT'S SAFE ♪ 1196 00:57:16,536 --> 00:57:17,537 ♪ AS I FUMBLE MY WORDS 1197 00:57:17,537 --> 00:57:18,505 AND FALL FLAT ON MY FACE 1198 00:57:18,505 --> 00:57:24,277 THROUGH THE TRUTH ♪ 1199 00:57:24,277 --> 00:57:25,512 ♪ JUST SAY THE WORD AND 1200 00:57:25,512 --> 00:57:27,280 WE'LL TAKE UP THE TEST ♪ 1201 00:57:27,280 --> 00:57:28,782 ♪ WHERE WE FLIRT 1202 00:57:28,782 --> 00:57:29,749 WITH THE BAD ONES 1203 00:57:29,749 --> 00:57:30,784 AND SKIP ALL THE REST ♪ 1204 00:57:30,784 --> 00:57:31,785 ♪ BUT WE SEE OUT THE NIGHT 1205 00:57:31,785 --> 00:57:32,786 WITH YOUR HEAD ON MY CHEST 1206 00:57:32,786 --> 00:57:37,791 ME AND YOU 1207 00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:47,534 THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪ 1208 00:57:47,534 --> 00:57:48,501 ♪♪ 1209 00:57:48,501 --> 00:57:50,070 ♪♪ 1210 00:57:50,070 --> 00:57:59,079 ♪♪ 1211 00:57:59,079 --> 00:58:07,754 ♪♪ 1212 00:58:07,754 --> 00:58:18,031 ♪♪ 1213 00:58:18,031 --> 00:58:23,536 ♪♪ 1214 00:58:23,536 --> 00:58:28,041 ♪♪ 1215 00:58:28,041 --> 00:58:40,920 ♪♪ 1216 00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:46,159 ♪ THERE'S ONLY ME AND YOU ♪ 1217 00:58:46,159 --> 00:58:48,395 ♪♪ 1218 00:58:48,395 --> 00:58:51,631 ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA 1219 00:58:51,631 --> 00:58:56,136 LA-LA-LA-LA-LA 1220 00:58:56,136 --> 00:58:59,906 LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA 1221 00:58:59,906 --> 00:59:07,881 LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪ 1222 00:59:07,881 --> 00:59:08,648 ♪ LA-LA-LA-LA 1223 00:59:08,648 --> 00:59:13,086 LA ♪ 1224 00:59:13,086 --> 00:59:18,491 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1225 00:59:35,041 --> 00:59:40,113 ♪♪ 1226 00:59:40,113 --> 00:59:43,950 ♪♪ WE|RE ALL UP IN THE CLUB THIS IS VIP 1227 00:59:43,950 --> 00:59:46,086 ♪ ME AND MY BOYS YA BUT I GOT A 1228 00:59:46,086 --> 00:59:48,188 GIRL NEXT TO ME ♪ 1229 00:59:48,188 --> 00:59:50,256 ♪ SHE'S A DANCER I'M A DANCER 1230 00:59:50,256 --> 00:59:52,492 THAT MEANS SHE'S A FREAK ♪ 1231 00:59:52,492 --> 00:59:55,261 ♪ WAIT TILL YOU SEE HER MOVES 1232 00:59:55,261 --> 00:59:56,830 GET READY MY KNEES GETTING 1233 00:59:56,830 --> 00:59:57,397 WEAK ♪ 1234 00:59:57,564 --> 00:59:59,466 ♪ SHE PUTS ME IN THE CHAIR WAIT 1235 00:59:59,466 --> 01:00:01,568 HERE IT'S ABOUT TO GET HOT ♪ 1236 01:00:01,568 --> 01:00:05,338 ♪ YEAH SHE'S A DANCER ♪ 1237 01:00:05,338 --> 01:00:06,306 ♪ BUT NOT THE KIND YOU THOUGHT ♪ 1238 01:00:06,306 --> 01:00:08,675 GIRLS? 1239 01:00:08,675 --> 01:00:12,879 ♪♪ 1240 01:00:12,879 --> 01:00:18,485 ♪♪ 1241 01:00:18,485 --> 01:00:20,854 ♪ YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR 1242 01:00:20,854 --> 01:00:23,323 HIPS AND THEN YOU GO LIKE THIS ♪ 1243 01:00:23,323 --> 01:00:23,656 ♪♪ 1244 01:00:23,656 --> 01:00:25,558 ♪♪ 1245 01:00:25,558 --> 01:00:30,597 ♪♪ 1246 01:00:30,597 --> 01:00:33,933 TURNED ON YET, FELLAS? 1247 01:00:33,933 --> 01:00:36,369 ♪ GOING BACK TO HER PLACE THINGS 1248 01:00:36,369 --> 01:00:39,372 ARE GETTING SPICY ♪ 1249 01:00:39,372 --> 01:00:40,974 ♪ SHE SAID I'LL TREAT YOU RIGHT 1250 01:00:40,974 --> 01:00:43,343 I THINK SHE MIGHT BE WIFEY ♪ 1251 01:00:43,343 --> 01:00:45,612 ♪ SHE HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN 1252 01:00:45,612 --> 01:00:49,049 WANTS TO MAKE A MEAL FOR ME ♪ 1253 01:00:49,049 --> 01:00:50,650 ♪ CAN'T WAIT TO TASTE HER 1254 01:00:50,650 --> 01:00:51,317 COOKING ♪ 1255 01:00:51,384 --> 01:00:52,585 ♪ I NEVER SAID WHAT KIND OF FOOD 1256 01:00:52,585 --> 01:00:53,053 IT WOULD BE ♪ 1257 01:00:53,053 --> 01:00:55,622 GIRLS? 1258 01:00:55,622 --> 01:00:55,955 ♪♪ 1259 01:00:55,955 --> 01:00:59,559 ♪♪ 1260 01:00:59,559 --> 01:01:00,360 ♪ WE'RE HAVING STEW AND CREAM OF 1261 01:01:00,360 --> 01:01:04,264 FISH ♪ 1262 01:01:04,264 --> 01:01:07,133 >> EAT UP, FELLA. 1263 01:01:07,133 --> 01:01:07,867 >> I LIKE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO 1264 01:01:07,867 --> 01:01:08,635 CHEW. 1265 01:01:08,635 --> 01:01:11,171 [ LAUGHTER ] 1266 01:01:11,171 --> 01:01:12,439 >> YOU'RE SO SHINY, GIRL. 1267 01:01:12,439 --> 01:01:15,141 >> SORRY, I'M NOT GREAT WITH MY 1268 01:01:15,141 --> 01:01:15,442 WORDS. 1269 01:01:15,842 --> 01:01:18,244 BUT I'M EXTREMELY GOOD WITH MY 1270 01:01:18,244 --> 01:01:18,578 HANDS. 1271 01:01:18,645 --> 01:01:19,079 >> OH, REALLY? 1272 01:01:19,079 --> 01:01:27,954 >> WATCH THIS. 1273 01:01:27,954 --> 01:01:28,755 ♪ THESE GIRLS ARE DIFFERENT THAN 1274 01:01:28,755 --> 01:01:32,392 I THOUGHT THEY'D BE ♪ 1275 01:01:32,392 --> 01:01:33,593 ♪ I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO MATCH 1276 01:01:33,593 --> 01:01:37,764 THEIR FREAK ♪ 1277 01:01:37,764 --> 01:01:40,900 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1278 01:01:40,900 --> 01:01:42,369 ♪♪ 1279 01:01:42,369 --> 01:01:46,339 ♪♪ 1280 01:01:46,339 --> 01:01:48,375 BOYS? 1281 01:01:48,375 --> 01:01:48,708 ♪♪ 1282 01:01:48,708 --> 01:01:51,711 ♪♪ 1283 01:01:51,711 --> 01:01:55,115 ♪ YOU USE YOUR LEGS THE BEST YOU 1284 01:01:55,115 --> 01:01:56,750 CAN ♪ 1285 01:01:56,750 --> 01:01:59,386 ♪ IF YOU GO LIKE THIS AND YOU GO 1286 01:01:59,386 --> 01:02:00,253 LIKE THAT ♪ 1287 01:02:00,253 --> 01:02:01,755 ♪ THEN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON 1288 01:02:01,755 --> 01:02:02,422 YOUR HIPS AND YOU GO AFTER 1289 01:02:02,422 --> 01:02:05,258 THAT ♪ 1290 01:02:05,258 --> 01:02:05,592 ♪♪ 1291 01:02:05,592 --> 01:02:05,925 ♪♪ 1292 01:02:05,925 --> 01:02:09,829 ♪♪ 1293 01:02:09,829 --> 01:02:13,133 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1294 01:02:13,133 --> 01:02:15,835 >> HAPPY ST. PADDY'S DAY. 1295 01:02:28,615 --> 01:02:29,649 Hello there. 1296 01:02:29,649 --> 01:02:31,151 I'm Harry styles. 1297 01:02:31,151 --> 01:02:33,853 Would you like to see my belly button? 1298 01:02:33,853 --> 01:02:36,289 Nah, you don't deserve it. 1299 01:02:36,289 --> 01:02:37,891 For years, I've been turning heads 1300 01:02:37,891 --> 01:02:40,560 with my bald, confident style, and I've been approached 1301 01:02:40,560 --> 01:02:44,197 by countless women who say my husband's luck is so boring. 1302 01:02:44,197 --> 01:02:47,500 I wish you dress more like you. Well, now he can. 1303 01:02:47,500 --> 01:02:49,369 I've partnered with target to recreate 1304 01:02:49,369 --> 01:02:52,572 some of my extraordinary looks for the ordinary man. 1305 01:02:52,572 --> 01:02:56,676 A price he can afford. Harry for him by Harry styles. 1306 01:02:56,676 --> 01:03:00,246 I pulled these lots off. Now you can too. 1307 01:03:00,246 --> 01:03:04,050 Can I though? 1308 01:03:04,050 --> 01:03:06,152 I'm not convinced. 1309 01:03:06,152 --> 01:03:08,088 And you see me in a side by side with Harry. 1310 01:03:08,088 --> 01:03:10,390 The answer is definitely no. 1311 01:03:10,390 --> 01:03:14,894 But when you see me alone, the answer is also no. 1312 01:03:14,894 --> 01:03:16,663 Liar, liar. Pants on fire. 1313 01:03:16,663 --> 01:03:20,367 Or as we say in England. A liar for shame. Trousers a flame. 1314 01:03:21,835 --> 01:03:22,902 You look sexy, mate. 1315 01:03:22,902 --> 01:03:25,505 Now show me your tushy. 1316 01:03:25,505 --> 01:03:27,207 Zoom in on that thing. 1317 01:03:27,207 --> 01:03:33,079 Oh, Look at those biscuits. 1318 01:03:33,079 --> 01:03:36,249 Going for a more formal look. We've got you covered. 1319 01:03:36,249 --> 01:03:38,418 My wife loves Harry styles. 1320 01:03:38,418 --> 01:03:40,854 She never say this, but I know deep down she's sad. 1321 01:03:40,854 --> 01:03:42,088 I'm not him. 1322 01:03:42,088 --> 01:03:44,791 So I surprised her for our anniversary dinner 1323 01:03:44,791 --> 01:03:47,894 by wearing this, Harry for him blouse 1324 01:03:47,894 --> 01:03:50,463 Harry wore to the Met Ball. 1325 01:03:50,463 --> 01:03:52,499 When Harry wore this, my wife said that 1326 01:03:52,499 --> 01:03:55,635 he looked like the embodiment of elegant masculinity. 1327 01:03:55,635 --> 01:03:58,304 When I wore this, she said, you look like a serial killer 1328 01:03:58,304 --> 01:04:01,207 who's wearing the clothes of a woman he killed. 1329 01:04:01,207 --> 01:04:03,376 Then dump the boy because you don't come. 1330 01:04:03,376 --> 01:04:04,911 And if this is too formal for you, 1331 01:04:04,911 --> 01:04:06,780 we also offer more casual options. 1332 01:04:07,847 --> 01:04:13,053 It's hard to explain, but on Harry, this outfit just works. 1333 01:04:13,053 --> 01:04:14,587 When he wore this to an awards 1334 01:04:14,587 --> 01:04:17,290 show, he received glowing reviews. 1335 01:04:17,290 --> 01:04:21,494 And when I wore this to my 12 year old son's basketball game, 1336 01:04:21,494 --> 01:04:23,463 the reviews were mixed. 1337 01:04:23,463 --> 01:04:25,365 Some people told me I looked terrible, 1338 01:04:25,365 --> 01:04:29,269 while others told me to go home and change. 1339 01:04:29,269 --> 01:04:30,103 Never change. 1340 01:04:30,103 --> 01:04:34,341 Do you look gorgeous? Stop, Harry. 1341 01:04:34,341 --> 01:04:36,343 Looking for something more subtle? 1342 01:04:36,343 --> 01:04:42,315 I have to look for you. 1343 01:04:44,818 --> 01:04:45,652 On the rack. 1344 01:04:45,652 --> 01:04:46,753 I got to be honest. 1345 01:04:46,753 --> 01:04:51,224 This kind of look like just a little girl's dress. 1346 01:04:51,224 --> 01:04:54,094 But when I put it on, I said, oh, 1347 01:04:54,094 --> 01:04:57,630 this is just a little girl's dress. 1348 01:04:57,630 --> 01:04:59,933 When Harry wore this at a concert, 1349 01:04:59,933 --> 01:05:02,135 the girls went insane. 1350 01:05:02,135 --> 01:05:03,470 But when I. 1351 01:05:03,470 --> 01:05:06,940 When I wore this to work, my boss said, 1352 01:05:06,940 --> 01:05:11,711 this is not the proper attire for a Wells Fargo loan officer. 1353 01:05:12,946 --> 01:05:14,414 Is your boss blind? 1354 01:05:14,414 --> 01:05:16,916 You have the perfect legs for this Dorothy dress 1355 01:05:16,916 --> 01:05:20,120 and the perfect tushy charm the bum. 1356 01:05:20,120 --> 01:05:24,124 Okay, Harry Smith. 1357 01:05:24,124 --> 01:05:27,627 Put some honey on that biscuit. 1358 01:05:27,627 --> 01:05:31,831 I guarantee my Harry for him looks will have you saying. 1359 01:05:31,831 --> 01:05:36,102 I had to get all the way naked to use the urinal. 1360 01:05:36,102 --> 01:05:38,905 And that's a promise. 1361 01:05:38,905 --> 01:05:43,410 I encouraged my husband to wear Harry for him and it worked. 1362 01:05:43,410 --> 01:05:47,147 He wore a sparkly turtleneck with no pants to our divorce 1363 01:05:47,147 --> 01:05:50,950 hearing, and the judge awarded me full custody. 1364 01:05:50,950 --> 01:05:53,787 Thanks, Harry. For him. 1365 01:05:53,787 --> 01:05:56,122 At first I was. 1366 01:05:56,122 --> 01:05:58,792 But first I was nervous about wearing this, 1367 01:05:58,792 --> 01:06:02,429 especially to a funeral. 1368 01:06:02,429 --> 01:06:03,763 But low key. 1369 01:06:03,763 --> 01:06:04,831 I'm drifting right now. 1370 01:06:04,831 --> 01:06:11,338 You feeling hot? 1371 01:06:11,338 --> 01:06:12,872 Yeah. 1372 01:06:12,872 --> 01:06:16,409 It's a pretty vast departure from how I normally dress, 1373 01:06:16,409 --> 01:06:19,412 but low key. I feel confident as hell right now. 1374 01:06:19,412 --> 01:06:22,048 But hockey. I'm uncomfortable. 1375 01:06:22,048 --> 01:06:23,917 And hockey. I'm sweating. 1376 01:06:23,917 --> 01:06:27,554 And hockey. I'm insecure, but low key. 1377 01:06:27,554 --> 01:06:31,858 I look like Harry styles, but hockey. I don't. 1378 01:06:33,960 --> 01:06:35,528 So get my clothes today. 1379 01:06:35,528 --> 01:06:39,099 On you with Harry for him. Available at target. 1380 01:06:39,099 --> 01:06:41,334 Show your tushies 1381 01:06:41,334 --> 01:06:44,270 Hey, Harry. For him. 1382 01:06:44,270 --> 01:06:50,276 Available exclusively at target and the men's section of class. 1383 01:06:50,276 --> 01:06:59,085 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1384 01:06:59,085 --> 01:07:02,589 >>> THANK YOU TO PAUL SIMON, THANK YOU RYAN 1385 01:07:02,589 --> 01:07:04,524 GOSLING, I'VE HAD AN AMAZING 1386 01:07:04,524 --> 01:07:04,824 WEEK. 1387 01:07:05,225 --> 01:07:07,560 THANK YOU TO THE CAST OF "SNL." 1388 01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:08,428 HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY. 1389 01:07:08,428 --> 01:07:11,164 GOOD NIGHT. 1390 01:07:11,164 --> 01:07:15,535 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1391 01:07:15,535 --> 01:07:22,375 ♪♪