1 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,282 Hello 2 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,487 Good evening and happy World War three to all who celebrate. 3 00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:23,456 It's me, Donald Trump, FIFA Peace Prize 4 00:00:23,456 --> 00:00:27,260 winner and Nobel Peace Prize taker. Yoink. 5 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:28,661 Remember when I did that? 6 00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:31,731 I launched this attack after me and my Board of Peace 7 00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:35,001 decided that we were Board of Peace. 8 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:37,937 Little wordplay. There. You catch it. 9 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:38,805 As we all know, 10 00:00:39,139 --> 00:00:42,942 Iran has been two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon 11 00:00:42,942 --> 00:00:46,212 for like, the last 15 years or something. 12 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:50,984 So we had to act now, and we're doing war work. 13 00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:57,057 What is it good for? Distracting from the Epstein files. 14 00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:00,393 And I know on the campaign trail I promised 15 00:01:00,393 --> 00:01:04,964 no new foreign wars. But listen, war is plural, right? 16 00:01:04,964 --> 00:01:07,067 Well, I had to do one. 17 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:11,771 The one foreign war and possibly one several 18 00:01:11,771 --> 00:01:14,341 to all my MAGA voters who are upset 19 00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:16,376 and saying, this is not what I voted for. 20 00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:20,380 Well, do you, dad? Don't you know who I am? I, me, 21 00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:22,749 even I don't know what I'm going to do next. 22 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:26,653 Hello from the year 5000. Like, what the hell is that? Right? 23 00:01:26,653 --> 00:01:27,954 Nobody knows. 24 00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:30,623 I'm unpredictable. I'm like a box of chocolates. 25 00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:34,160 You never know what you're going to get. Forrest Gump. 26 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:35,662 Gump. 27 00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:40,100 America's favorite time traveling outward. 28 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,168 He told that story to that nurse on the bench. 29 00:01:42,168 --> 00:01:45,638 After the feather fell down. Gump. 30 00:01:45,638 --> 00:01:47,774 I don't get it. People begging begged for Trump. 31 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,209 And then when you get them, you don't like. 32 00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:53,513 And what's going on? All right, I'm like new Star Wars movies. 33 00:01:53,513 --> 00:01:55,982 I see the trailer for Mandalorian Goku, 34 00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:59,185 and they say, never mind, I don't want that. 35 00:01:59,185 --> 00:02:01,421 People are asking, why attack Iran now? 36 00:02:01,421 --> 00:02:04,691 Well, we had to strike in the early hours of Saturday, 37 00:02:04,691 --> 00:02:07,694 which has two advantages militarily. 38 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:11,664 One, it's after the stock market closes for the weekend, 39 00:02:11,664 --> 00:02:15,201 and two, it's to cause immeasurable fear, 40 00:02:15,201 --> 00:02:18,071 rage and chaos in the SNL writers room. 41 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:20,140 Those guys were going crazy. 42 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:21,908 They probably had a big state of the union 43 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,843 address thing they were going to do. 44 00:02:23,843 --> 00:02:25,578 Not anymore. 45 00:02:25,578 --> 00:02:29,582 Jeremy was in it. But Jeremy, he's got a late show, 46 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,885 but the whole thing in the trash and start fresh. 47 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:34,087 We love that for them. 48 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,755 Anyway, with more on this, here's 49 00:02:35,755 --> 00:02:38,091 a man I'm going to blame it on when it doesn't work. 50 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:41,561 Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. 51 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,104 Yeah. 52 00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:56,710 All right, all right, cut the track. Cut the track. 53 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,410 And relax. 54 00:02:57,410 --> 00:03:02,315 Is the Four Loko non elk. 55 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:04,818 Subdue weeds. 56 00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:08,321 As you probably heard, Operation Epic Fury is underway. 57 00:03:08,321 --> 00:03:12,325 And as you could tell from the veins in my neck, I'm pumped. 58 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:14,728 Why do we call it epic fury? Simple. 59 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:19,899 Eight letters lines up perfectly for some bitchin knuckle tats. 60 00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:23,403 Yeah, get him in the wrong order. 61 00:03:23,403 --> 00:03:25,672 But you get it. 62 00:03:25,672 --> 00:03:28,942 And those are my least problematic tattoos. 63 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,511 Shut up. 64 00:03:31,511 --> 00:03:34,080 They asked for someone to volunteer to oversee this 65 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,683 half bank operation, and I didn't walk. 66 00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:41,921 I ran. 67 00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:42,789 For President Trump. 68 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:44,124 Call me at two in the morning. 69 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:47,160 You know, I was awake, sober, 70 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:49,429 and already training for the mission, playing 71 00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:53,099 Prince of Persia Sands of Time on my Gamecube. 72 00:03:53,099 --> 00:03:55,969 We love the Gamecube. It's underrated. Yeah. 73 00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:58,405 Misunderstood system. The Gamecube had 74 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,540 a small library. It was hard to code for. 75 00:04:00,540 --> 00:04:03,410 It was hard to code for. 76 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,378 Smart man. 77 00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:07,747 But don't let my confident demeanor fool you. 78 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:11,217 I am scared and I don't know what I'm doing 79 00:04:11,217 --> 00:04:12,152 when he said we were going 80 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:16,089 to blow up the leader of Iran, I thought he was kidding. 81 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,724 And now, all day long I've been here. 82 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:19,626 People saying, why do we do this? 83 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,628 What's the reason for this war? 84 00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:23,730 Oh yeah, I actually have the reason right here. 85 00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:28,101 It's under my chin. Let me get it for you. 86 00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,737 Goodfellas. 87 00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,740 Bottom line, all of you should be thanking us. 88 00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:36,743 We took out a horrendous, horrible leader 89 00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,945 who was oppressing his own people. 90 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:41,514 But don't get any ideas and live from New York. 91 00:04:41,514 --> 00:04:43,149 AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 92 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,218 SATURDAY NIGHT! 93 00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,558 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 94 00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:55,095 NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 95 00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:50,243 MUSICAL GUEST MUMFORD & SONS. 96 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:54,748 AND YOUR HOST, CONNOR STORRIE. 97 00:06:57,550 --> 00:07:00,487 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- CONNOR 98 00:07:00,487 --> 00:07:07,060 STORRIE! 99 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:07,660 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 100 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:19,572 ♪♪ 101 00:07:19,572 --> 00:07:20,373 Thank you. 102 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:21,374 Thank you. Thank you. 103 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:22,709 Thank you very much. 104 00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:27,781 I am so excited to be here. Yes. 105 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,882 Okay, okay. 106 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:32,385 Now, some of you may have seen literally all of me on my show. 107 00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,154 Heated rivalry. 108 00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:35,188 It's a show that has taught 109 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,257 a lot of people about hockey, and it's taught 110 00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,224 a lot of straight women 111 00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:42,162 that their sexuality is actually gay. Guy. 112 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:45,065 If you haven't seen it, it's a little spicy, 113 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,367 but it's actually a lot more than that. 114 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:48,802 It's not said I could show a clip, 115 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,838 so I found one that was good for the whole family. 116 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:57,744 Okay. 117 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:01,514 That is literally all we could show from the show. 118 00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:04,017 But this show has totally changed my life. 119 00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:07,387 Okay, right before I got cast, I was a waiter, and, 120 00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:08,054 YEAH. 121 00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:08,455 AND I'VE ONLY -- SO I'VE ONLY 122 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,357 and, I've only. 123 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,458 So I've only technically been 124 00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:14,361 a professional actor for, like, six months now. 125 00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,628 But on the other hand, 126 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,397 I've been preparing for this my entire life 127 00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:21,801 since I was a 12 year old obsessed with acting. 128 00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:22,569 So it's like. 129 00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:25,071 It's like, on one hand, I'm totally surprised 130 00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,639 and humbled that this is happening to me. 131 00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:30,810 And on the other hand. 132 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,480 This was my destiny. 133 00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,415 When I was little, I said to my mother, 134 00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,784 why do I have to have the last name story? 135 00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:41,187 The whole world is going to know me as just Connor, 136 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,456 like I'm Madonna 137 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:47,894 or Cher or Paddington. 138 00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:48,962 Mother. I'm not a story. 139 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:52,866 I'm a whole damn book. 140 00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,335 I am kidding. 141 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:59,506 Seriously, I promise I'm nothing like that. 142 00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,774 I am much worse. 143 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:01,107 [ LAUGHTER ] 144 00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:02,642 I'M JOKING. 145 00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:04,210 I'm joking. 146 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:07,380 I definitely did not have a glamorous childhood, though. 147 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:12,052 I grew up in Texas, and my mom was Texas. 148 00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:13,019 I grew up in Texas, 149 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:15,889 and my mom would drive me hours to auditions. 150 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:17,490 She even drove me to this weird mall 151 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:22,796 where they did this, like, National Kids talent contest. 152 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,765 Which I won hands down 153 00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,100 in every category 154 00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:33,106 by doing a catwalk to It's Raining Men with other children. 155 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:34,107 BUT SERIOUSLY. 156 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,608 But seriously, 157 00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:39,079 I really did not know if this would ever happen to me. 158 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,580 And you know, when I got the call 159 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,750 that I was going to be on SNL, I honestly cried. 160 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:47,821 And, yeah, you know, I am just, 161 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:51,191 I really I am just so, so thankful for everything 162 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,360 that this job gives me the chance to do. 163 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,627 You know, like, in two weeks, 164 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:56,162 I had to learn how to play Russian 165 00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:59,132 and look like I knew how to play hockey. 166 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,734 And then I'm watching the Olympics 167 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,969 and I see these amazing players, and I'm like, 168 00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:04,971 I don't think I pulled it off. 169 00:10:04,971 --> 00:10:08,174 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 170 00:10:08,174 --> 00:10:14,180 Whoa, whoa. 171 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:17,217 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 172 00:10:17,217 --> 00:10:17,851 No way. 173 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,319 Man, I hear you're great. 174 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:23,189 Oh, and and, Jack, you guys literally just won the Olympics. 175 00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:27,627 Congrats. 176 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,829 Thanks. We've been so busy playing. 177 00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:32,232 We haven't had time to see your show yet. 178 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,566 It's about hockey, right? 179 00:10:33,566 --> 00:10:38,171 Yeah, kind of. 180 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,173 I got my teeth knocked out in the finals. 181 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:43,209 That happened in your show. 182 00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,178 Metaphorically. 183 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:53,086 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 184 00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:53,520 Cool. 185 00:10:53,687 --> 00:10:54,988 What team do you play on? 186 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,357 The Boston Raiders. Boston Raiders. 187 00:10:57,357 --> 00:11:01,528 What league is that? The NHL. The HBO. 188 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:03,063 But you guys should check it out. 189 00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,598 Oh, I hope some hockey players watched it. 190 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:31,424 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 191 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:34,961 Oh. Don't worry. 192 00:11:34,961 --> 00:11:37,764 We saw your show. 193 00:11:37,764 --> 00:11:38,198 Oh, wow. 194 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,633 Hilary, Megan is so cool that we're all here. 195 00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:41,968 It was going to be just us, 196 00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:44,137 but we thought we'd invite the guys to. 197 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:51,177 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 198 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,513 Yeah, we thought we'd give them a little moment to shine. 199 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:54,781 [ LAUGHTER ] 200 00:11:54,781 --> 00:11:56,583 Well, that is very important. 201 00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,018 You know, my show speaks to people 202 00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,652 who are not always represented in hockey. 203 00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,187 So this is really great 204 00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:03,623 to have actual hockey legends here tonight. 205 00:12:03,623 --> 00:12:07,394 I mean, yeah, I mean, both of your teams just won the gold. 206 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:10,797 Thanks. The last time the men did that was 46 years ago. 207 00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:14,567 And the last time we did that was two whole Olympics ago. 208 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:18,672 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 209 00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:19,773 Nice burn. 210 00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,808 But these gold medals aren't just for us. 211 00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:24,277 They're for all hockey fans. Yours too. 212 00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:27,847 Oh, so can I try one on? No. 213 00:12:27,847 --> 00:12:29,482 We have a great show for you tonight. 214 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:34,387 Mumford and sons is here. Stick around. We'll be right back. 215 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:50,704 >>> GO RICKY! 216 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:51,838 GO RICKY! 217 00:12:51,838 --> 00:12:53,306 GO RICKY! 218 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,474 GO RICKY! 219 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,510 >> YOU GUYS, STOP. 220 00:12:57,510 --> 00:13:00,146 WE HAVE A MATH TEST TODAY. 221 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:00,847 >> WHO EVEN CARES ABOUT MATH 222 00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:04,284 WHEN YOU CAN DO THIS? 223 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,952 >> OKAY, EVERYBODY SILENT RIGHT 224 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,154 NOW, OKAY? 225 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:11,725 MR. JACOB, SIT DOWN YESTERDAY. 226 00:13:11,725 --> 00:13:13,126 >> SORRY, JUST PLAYING. 227 00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:17,397 >> NOT TODAY, GUYS. 228 00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:20,700 I AM IN A BAD MOOD, OKAY? 229 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:23,970 >> DANG, MR. FRANZY, IS 230 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:24,637 EVERYTHING OKAY? 231 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,740 >> NO, EVERYTHING IS NOT OKAY. 232 00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:29,776 THIS MORNING, MY WIFE SPILLED MY 233 00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:32,946 COFFEE ALL OVER MY BODY. 234 00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,681 AND MY COFFEE WAS EVERYWHERE. 235 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:40,653 AND MY BODY WAS ON FIRE. 236 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,422 SO I CALL MY BUDDY AND HE CAME 237 00:13:42,422 --> 00:13:45,325 OVER AND HE COVER MY BODY FROM 238 00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,093 MY FEET UNTIL MY HEAD. 239 00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:50,563 OKAY? 240 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,264 >> WOW. 241 00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,466 SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU, MR. 242 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:53,800 FRANZY. 243 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,636 >> IT'S OKAY, GUYS. 244 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:59,005 I JUST LETTING YOU KNOW THAT 245 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:01,107 TODAY IS NOT THE DAY TO PLAY 246 00:14:01,107 --> 00:14:04,044 WITH MR. FRANZY. 247 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,812 NOW PLEASE, TAKE A QUIZ AND 248 00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:12,152 PASSING IT TO YOUR NEIGHBORS. 249 00:14:12,152 --> 00:14:16,356 THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS. 250 00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:16,890 [ LAUGHTER ] 251 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:17,791 IT COUNT FOR 65% OF YOUR GRADE, 252 00:14:17,791 --> 00:14:21,361 OKAY? 253 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,095 THAT'S A LOT OF PERCENT OF YOUR 254 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:25,198 GRADE, GUYS. 255 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:25,732 [ LAUGHTER ] 256 00:14:25,832 --> 00:14:27,834 SO I NEED A SILENCE IN HERE. 257 00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,302 NO JOKES. 258 00:14:29,302 --> 00:14:30,704 NO COMMENTS FROM THE PENIS 259 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:31,071 GALLERY. 260 00:14:31,071 --> 00:14:35,809 [ LAUGHTER ] 261 00:14:35,809 --> 00:14:38,411 OKAY, I'M SORRY, WHAT IS SO 262 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:38,712 FUNNY? 263 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:41,081 >> SERIOUSLY, DUDE, YOU JUST 264 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,248 SAID PENIS. 265 00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,316 >> NO, NO, NO. 266 00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,785 PENIS. 267 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:46,186 [ LAUGHTER ] 268 00:14:46,186 --> 00:14:49,289 LIKE THE SNACK. 269 00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,358 AS IN MY WIFE IS DEFINITELY 270 00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:51,858 ALLERGIC TO PENIS. 271 00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:55,829 [ LAUGHTER ] 272 00:14:55,829 --> 00:14:56,763 FOR ME, I LOVE PENIS. 273 00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,766 [ LAUGHTER ] 274 00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,635 BUT MY BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN MY 275 00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,338 LIFE IS KEEPING MY PENIS AWAY 276 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:06,940 FROM MY WIFE. 277 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:07,340 [ LAUGHTER ] 278 00:15:07,474 --> 00:15:09,042 >> STOP SAYING PENIS! 279 00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:14,314 >> STOP THIS! 280 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,050 OH, OH, OH! 281 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:22,088 FOCUS ON THE QUIZ, GUYS. 282 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:24,657 [ LAUGHTER ] 283 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:28,762 VERY GOOD, GUYS. 284 00:15:28,762 --> 00:15:29,863 THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO BE 285 00:15:29,863 --> 00:15:31,264 SEEING, GUYS. 286 00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:32,298 VERY QUIET. 287 00:15:32,298 --> 00:15:32,866 VERY NICE. 288 00:15:32,866 --> 00:15:33,967 I LIKE IT. 289 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:34,334 >> UH -- 290 00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:37,604 [ LAUGHTER ] 291 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:39,439 YO, MR. FRANZY -- 292 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,908 >> WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY HAVE 293 00:15:41,908 --> 00:15:42,709 TO SAY TO ME? 294 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,477 >> NO, IT'S JUST THAT THIS TEST 295 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:45,278 DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. 296 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,146 THE FIRST QUESTION IS, WHAT IS 297 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,515 THE SQUARE AND WHO IS HIS WIFE? 298 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:51,618 [ LAUGHTER ] 299 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,788 >> COME ON, GUYS. 300 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,890 YOU KNOW THIS. 301 00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:58,725 YOU KNOW THE SQUARE WIFE. 302 00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:05,031 HIS WIFE IS THE RHOMBUS. 303 00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:05,732 NOW, I AM -- 304 00:16:05,732 --> 00:16:06,132 [ LAUGHTER ] 305 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:09,269 SILENCE. 306 00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:12,238 AND NOW I WILL BRIEFLY GO TO THE 307 00:16:12,238 --> 00:16:15,408 BATHROOM AND PRIVATELY REAPPLY 308 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:16,643 THE ALOE VERA EVERYWHERE IN MY 309 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:19,846 BODY, OKAY? 310 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,314 I TRUST YOU GUYS TO BE MY LITTLE 311 00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:22,449 ANGELS FROM JESUS, OKAY? 312 00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:28,054 [ LAUGHTER ] 313 00:16:28,054 --> 00:16:31,358 THIS IS A BIG QUIZ, GUYS. 314 00:16:31,358 --> 00:16:31,958 I'M PROUD OF YOU GUYS. 315 00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:35,295 [ LAUGHTER ] 316 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:35,762 >> DO IT, DO IT! 317 00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:41,501 >> DO IT. 318 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:42,068 >> OKAY, YOU GUYS. 319 00:16:42,068 --> 00:16:43,169 [ LAUGHTER ] 320 00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:47,374 I AM MR. FRANZY. 321 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:53,646 MY WIFE IS DEADLY ALLERGIC TO MY 322 00:16:53,646 --> 00:16:54,080 PEE-PEE. 323 00:16:54,147 --> 00:16:54,948 >> GO OFF, RITCHIE. 324 00:16:54,948 --> 00:16:56,516 >> AND THE CRAZY THING IS -- I 325 00:16:56,516 --> 00:17:03,323 HAVE NO IDEA THAT NOBODY EVEN 326 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:03,857 LIKE ME. 327 00:17:03,857 --> 00:17:06,760 [ AUDIENCE MOANING ] 328 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,128 >> REALLY, GUYS? 329 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:11,031 [ LAUGHTER ] 330 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:12,399 THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, 331 00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,566 MR. DIEGO? 332 00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,869 >> I'M SORRY, MR. FRANZY, I WAS 333 00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:16,403 JUST JOKING AROUND. 334 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:19,839 >> WOW. 335 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,242 THIS IS ONE OF THE DARKEST DAYS. 336 00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:22,642 [ LAUGHTER ] 337 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:25,345 OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. 338 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:26,079 I DID NOT THINK THAT MY HEART 339 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,082 COULD BE BROKEN LIKE THIS. 340 00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,817 >> OH NO, MR. FRANZY, PLEASE 341 00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:40,160 DON'T CRY. 342 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,629 >> YO, WHY DOES HE SOUND LIKE A 343 00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,064 RING TONE? 344 00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:47,233 [ LAUGHTER ] 345 00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:49,703 >> YOU GUYS DON'T UNDERSTAND. 346 00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:55,275 I CAME TO THIS COUNTRY IN 1997 347 00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,843 ALL FOR THE DREAM OF ONE DAY 348 00:17:56,843 --> 00:18:00,714 TEACHING YOU GUYS ABOUT THE 349 00:18:00,714 --> 00:18:05,585 RHOMBUS AND HER FIANCEE, THE 350 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,052 SQUARE. 351 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:10,256 AND NOW YOU DESTROY MY BODY AND 352 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:11,591 MY HEART. 353 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,258 >> NO. 354 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,193 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SUBJECT 355 00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:13,626 THIS CLASS IS. 356 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,795 [ LAUGHTER ] 357 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,531 >> YOU GUYS, I THINK WE ALL OWE 358 00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,767 MR. FRANZY AN APOLOGY. 359 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,636 >> THANK YOU, ANJA, YOU HAVE A 360 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:24,237 HEART OF GOLD. 361 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,306 >> WE'RE SORRY, MR. FRANZY. 362 00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,041 WE ONLY MAKE FUN OF YOU BECAUSE 363 00:18:28,041 --> 00:18:30,810 YOU'RE LIKE ONE OF US. 364 00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:32,445 BUT I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO 365 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:36,383 SAY IS -- WE LOVE YOU, MR. 366 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:36,716 FRANZY. 367 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,818 [ LAUGHTER ] 368 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,053 >> MR. DIEGO. 369 00:18:40,053 --> 00:18:42,956 YOU MEAN IT? 370 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,458 >> OKAY, GUYS. 371 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,059 WE LOVE MR. FRANZY. 372 00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:48,428 >> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY. 373 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:50,163 >> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY. 374 00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:53,066 >> WE LOVE YOU, MR. FRANZY. 375 00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:55,735 >> I -- I MEAN -- YOUR WORDS ARE 376 00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,137 LIKE, I LOVE YOU BETTER FROM MY 377 00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,040 HEART. 378 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,075 EVERYBODY GOT AN "A." 379 00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:04,344 >> EVERYBODY -- FRANZY! 380 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:05,278 FRANZY! 381 00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:05,612 FRANZY! 382 00:19:05,612 --> 00:19:08,114 FRANZY! 383 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:08,848 >> I LOVE YOU GUYS, I LOVE YOU 384 00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:10,050 GUYS! 385 00:19:10,050 --> 00:19:12,652 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 386 00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,560 >>> IT TURNS OUT THE POOR 387 00:19:20,560 --> 00:19:22,796 BASTARD HAD WORN HIS RIDING 388 00:19:22,796 --> 00:19:23,530 BOOTS TO LUNCHEON. 389 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,266 >> OH, THE ABSOLUTE SHAME! 390 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,268 >> LORD KENLEY. 391 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:32,339 >> LADY DELLACORTE, A PLEASURE. 392 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,708 >> I QUITE LOOK FORWARD TO OUR 393 00:19:34,708 --> 00:19:35,475 CROQUET MATCH THIS AFTERNOON AT 394 00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:36,643 MY FATHER'S ESTATE. 395 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:37,677 >> THEN YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T 396 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,180 SEEN KENLEY PLAY. 397 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:43,550 >> WELL, I WILL LEAVE YOU 398 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,217 GENTLEMEN TO YOUR DISCOURSE. 399 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,285 GOOD DAY. 400 00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,320 >> GOOD DAY. 401 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:50,256 >> I RESENT THAT INSULTING 402 00:19:50,256 --> 00:19:52,292 REMARK, LORD FETTINGTON, AND I 403 00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294 ASK, SIR, HOW DARE YOU. 404 00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:57,263 >> HE ASKS HIM HOW HE DARES. 405 00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:59,799 >> SUCH AN AFFRONT, ACCORDING TO 406 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,035 THE GENTLEMAN'S CODE, PERMITS ME 407 00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,269 TO REMOVE MY GLOVE AND SLAP YOUR 408 00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:07,807 FACE. 409 00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,542 >> HOW DARE YOU. 410 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:13,513 I ASK TWICE, SIR, HOW DARE YOU. 411 00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:14,247 I REBUKE YOU, SIR, AND GIVE IT 412 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:16,516 TO YOU TWICE. 413 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:22,389 >> HOW DARE YOU. 414 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,658 I DENY YOUR REBUT THRICEFOLD. 415 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:26,159 >> HOW DARE YOU. 416 00:20:26,159 --> 00:20:26,659 HOW DARE YOU. 417 00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:27,827 >> HA! 418 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:28,528 DODGED. 419 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,296 >> HOW DARE YOU! 420 00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:33,266 >> HOW DARE YOU! 421 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,502 HOW TO THE ABSOLUTE DARE YOU! 422 00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:36,803 >> GENTLEMEN, YOU ARE BEGINNING 423 00:20:36,803 --> 00:20:38,271 TO ACT LIKE COMMONERS. 424 00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:41,274 >> HOW DARE YOU! 425 00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:44,778 >> HOW DARE YOU! 426 00:20:44,778 --> 00:20:46,279 >> I AM UNGLOVED AND THEREFORE 427 00:20:46,279 --> 00:20:47,547 UNABLE TO RETORT. 428 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:48,248 KENLEY, SLAP HIM AS MY PROXY. 429 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:48,782 >> OF COURSE. 430 00:20:48,782 --> 00:20:49,516 >> HOW DARE YOU! 431 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:52,385 >> VERY GOOD. 432 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:54,120 >> GENTLEMEN, STOP! 433 00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:54,921 WE CAN'T LET THIS SILLINESS RUIN 434 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,923 THE AFTERNOON. 435 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:57,657 WHY DON'T YOU BOTH JUST 436 00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:58,158 APOLOGIZE. 437 00:20:58,158 --> 00:20:59,392 >> APOLOGIZE? 438 00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,894 I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, SIR. 439 00:21:00,894 --> 00:21:02,162 HOW DARE YOU. 440 00:21:02,162 --> 00:21:04,397 >> DON'T DO IT. 441 00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:13,173 >> I SLAPPED YOU BECAUSE -- OH! 442 00:21:13,173 --> 00:21:19,379 HOW DARE YOU! 443 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:20,647 HOW DARE YOU. 444 00:21:20,647 --> 00:21:21,348 YOU SLAPPED ME WITH A CLOSED 445 00:21:21,348 --> 00:21:24,417 FIST! 446 00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,151 AND THEREFORE, I'M ALLOWED TO DO 447 00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:26,419 THE SAME. 448 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:27,921 HOW DARE YOU. 449 00:21:27,921 --> 00:21:30,890 [ LAUGHTER ] 450 00:21:30,890 --> 00:21:31,558 >> ENOUGH! 451 00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,160 YOU, SIR, HAVE DISOBEYED THE 452 00:21:34,160 --> 00:21:34,894 GENTLEMAN'S CODE. 453 00:21:34,894 --> 00:21:35,662 SO I AM PERMITTED TO STRIKE YOU 454 00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:36,896 WITH MY CANE. 455 00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:39,733 >> DON'T DO IT. 456 00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:40,433 >> I'M SO SORRY. 457 00:21:40,433 --> 00:21:43,136 [ LAUGHTER ] 458 00:21:43,136 --> 00:21:44,170 >> GENTLEMEN, STOP THIS RABBLE 459 00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:44,904 AT ONCE, THERE ARE CHILDREN 460 00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:46,172 PRESENT. 461 00:21:46,172 --> 00:21:46,740 ARE YOU OKAY, SWEETIE? 462 00:21:46,740 --> 00:21:47,907 >> HOW DARE YOU! 463 00:21:47,907 --> 00:21:49,676 >> OH, MY GOD! 464 00:21:49,676 --> 00:21:50,243 >> HE STRUCK A WOMAN. 465 00:21:50,243 --> 00:21:51,911 >> HOW DARE YOU. 466 00:21:51,911 --> 00:21:57,250 [ LAUGHTER ] 467 00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:57,784 >> THIS MUST CEASE! 468 00:21:57,851 --> 00:21:58,885 LOOK AT THIS WOMAN'S DOG. 469 00:21:58,885 --> 00:21:59,619 THE COMMOTION HAS FRIGHTENED THE 470 00:21:59,619 --> 00:22:01,888 POOR GIRL. 471 00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:02,622 >> CEDE DEFEAT, FETTINGTON, AND 472 00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,591 END OUR QUARREL NOW. 473 00:22:04,591 --> 00:22:05,792 >> HA HA! 474 00:22:05,792 --> 00:22:07,060 ARE YOU MAD? 475 00:22:07,060 --> 00:22:08,061 LORD FETTINGTON WOULD NEVER BEND 476 00:22:08,061 --> 00:22:12,065 HIS KNEE SIMPLY TO APPEASE A 477 00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:16,069 FRIGHTENED LITTLE -- 478 00:22:16,069 --> 00:22:16,770 HOW DARE YOU! 479 00:22:16,770 --> 00:22:18,772 >> NO -- 480 00:22:18,772 --> 00:22:22,409 >> HOW DARE -- 481 00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:23,076 >> YEP, IT SEEMS I HAVE 482 00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:24,077 [ BLEEP ] MYSELF. 483 00:22:24,077 --> 00:22:24,744 I CEDE DEFEAT. 484 00:22:24,744 --> 00:22:25,278 WELL DONE. 485 00:22:25,278 --> 00:22:26,279 >> GLAD THAT'S SETTLED. 486 00:22:26,279 --> 00:22:28,314 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE 487 00:22:28,314 --> 00:22:29,716 TO RETRIEVE MY SON WHO I KICKED 488 00:22:29,716 --> 00:22:30,717 ACROSS THE PARK. 489 00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:31,217 >> HOW DARE YOU. 490 00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,285 I'M KIDDING. 491 00:22:32,285 --> 00:22:33,453 GOOD DAY. 492 00:22:33,453 --> 00:22:36,823 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 493 00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:42,862 Well, 494 00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,398 first you take me to dinner like this, 495 00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:48,601 and then you take me to the same ice rink with we first met. 496 00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,237 I mean, this is the perfect first year anniversary, 497 00:22:51,237 --> 00:22:56,409 and I haven't even proposed yet. Wait, what? 498 00:22:56,409 --> 00:22:59,879 Candace Lorraine Dugan, 499 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,314 will you marry me? 500 00:23:01,314 --> 00:23:03,850 Oh my God. 501 00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,852 Casper. 502 00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:08,388 I'm sorry, I can't. 503 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:12,592 Why? I'm having so much fun. Danny. 504 00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:15,962 I'm so glad. 505 00:23:15,962 --> 00:23:18,264 I can't say yes right now. Bryce. 506 00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:22,769 Danny, wait up fast, folks. 507 00:23:22,769 --> 00:23:24,170 Why can't you say yes? 508 00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:26,806 I don't know, it just doesn't feel right yet. 509 00:23:26,806 --> 00:23:30,810 You guys, you guys look, our little plane. 510 00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:33,279 I mean, do you think that we're ready? 511 00:23:33,279 --> 00:23:36,583 Hey, I know you. 512 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,985 Get back here. 513 00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:41,921 Please say something. Casper. 514 00:23:41,921 --> 00:23:45,258 Those three men are having the best time. 515 00:23:45,258 --> 00:23:45,792 What? 516 00:23:45,792 --> 00:23:46,526 Those guys. 517 00:23:47,093 --> 00:23:49,829 I've never seen grown men having such, like, genuine, pure fun. 518 00:23:49,829 --> 00:23:51,865 Like, how old are they? 519 00:23:51,865 --> 00:23:53,767 This train lost its caboose. 520 00:23:53,767 --> 00:23:57,704 Danny, why did you let go? Because I was laughing too much. 521 00:23:57,704 --> 00:24:01,675 God, I love being in my 40s. 522 00:24:01,675 --> 00:24:03,710 They're in their 40s. 523 00:24:03,710 --> 00:24:06,379 Okay. I'm so glad that's what you're focused on right now. 524 00:24:06,379 --> 00:24:07,847 Sorry if I'm a little scattered. 525 00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:09,716 Candace, you just told me you didn't love me. 526 00:24:09,716 --> 00:24:10,250 Stop it. 527 00:24:10,316 --> 00:24:16,389 You know that I love you. 528 00:24:16,389 --> 00:24:18,692 And I know I'm going to be with you forever. 529 00:24:18,692 --> 00:24:21,227 Oh, I feel so free. 530 00:24:21,227 --> 00:24:25,932 I feel like Alyssa Liu right now 531 00:24:25,932 --> 00:24:29,202 I just don't know if I'm ready to start forever. Right now. 532 00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:34,441 Whoa, whoa. Such a girlfriend. 533 00:24:34,441 --> 00:24:35,809 Sorry. What did you say? 534 00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,078 See? See, this is what I'm talking about. 535 00:24:38,078 --> 00:24:40,080 I'm always fighting for your attention. 536 00:24:40,080 --> 00:24:43,249 I'm sorry I can't get a read on these guys. 537 00:24:43,249 --> 00:24:46,386 Best bachelor party ever. 538 00:24:46,386 --> 00:24:48,455 This is a bachelor party. 539 00:24:48,455 --> 00:24:51,324 I cannot believe you right now. Candace! 540 00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:55,495 Come on, don't cry. Oh, my gosh, you guys. 541 00:24:55,495 --> 00:24:58,198 Look who finally showed up. 542 00:24:58,198 --> 00:25:02,035 Hudson! 543 00:25:22,422 --> 00:25:23,757 so glad you're here. 544 00:25:23,757 --> 00:25:29,362 I know, it's pretty great. Hey, sorry I'm late, fellas, 545 00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:31,498 but I have a serious question. 546 00:25:31,498 --> 00:25:34,334 Yeah. 547 00:25:34,334 --> 00:25:38,238 Who's ready to skate their butts off? 548 00:25:38,238 --> 00:25:40,273 Huntsman's hilarious. 549 00:25:40,273 --> 00:25:42,075 And a lot of my issues are my own. 550 00:25:42,075 --> 00:25:42,609 Like, 551 00:25:42,942 --> 00:25:44,744 sometimes I think that I don't deserve you, 552 00:25:44,744 --> 00:25:48,248 and you've just got so much on your plate, it's like, who am I? 553 00:25:48,248 --> 00:25:49,683 You know 554 00:25:49,683 --> 00:25:50,583 what? 555 00:25:50,583 --> 00:25:54,854 Come on. Ride that train and ride it. 556 00:25:54,854 --> 00:26:00,026 I've never felt so cool. 557 00:26:00,026 --> 00:26:01,394 How is that even possible? 558 00:26:01,394 --> 00:26:03,530 I don't know, it's just how I feel. 559 00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:04,698 No, I. Sorry. 560 00:26:04,698 --> 00:26:06,833 I meant, like, how is ice skating in a four person train 561 00:26:06,833 --> 00:26:07,534 the coolest that 562 00:26:07,767 --> 00:26:10,537 that guy has ever felt. Stop using those guys 563 00:26:10,537 --> 00:26:13,707 as a distraction and talk to me, Caspar. 564 00:26:13,707 --> 00:26:18,211 I stay like an Egyptian and. 565 00:26:18,211 --> 00:26:20,847 Okay, that's going viral. 566 00:26:20,847 --> 00:26:24,451 You guys are going to be famous. 567 00:26:24,451 --> 00:26:25,618 Tell me. 568 00:26:25,618 --> 00:26:28,355 Tell me what you're thinking right now. And please be honest. 569 00:26:28,355 --> 00:26:31,658 I mean, honestly, I'm thinking that there's 570 00:26:31,658 --> 00:26:35,762 no way the Egyptian thing goes viral, right? 571 00:26:35,762 --> 00:26:38,865 Oh, okay. Okay. Good bye. Caspar. Candace, wait. 572 00:26:38,865 --> 00:26:40,567 Okay. You're right. I'm sorry. 573 00:26:40,567 --> 00:26:43,903 I have felt distracted, but we can work through it. 574 00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:46,940 Back where? It's back. All right. 575 00:26:46,940 --> 00:26:49,242 Oh, my God, we're backwards again. 576 00:26:49,242 --> 00:26:50,877 You guys slow down. 577 00:26:50,877 --> 00:26:52,946 If I fall, Kendrick Lamar is literally going 578 00:26:52,946 --> 00:26:56,082 to need to find himself a new producer. 579 00:26:56,082 --> 00:26:58,818 I don't understand, 580 00:26:58,818 --> 00:26:59,252 right? 581 00:26:59,252 --> 00:27:00,020 Like, 582 00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:04,424 how is that guy in any way associated with Kendrick Lamar? 583 00:27:04,424 --> 00:27:07,927 I'm not talking about those guys. 584 00:27:07,927 --> 00:27:09,929 You know what? 585 00:27:09,929 --> 00:27:11,831 Maybe this is a sign. 586 00:27:11,831 --> 00:27:15,702 Maybe what? We both actually need is some time apart. 587 00:27:15,702 --> 00:27:19,072 Okay. Sounds good. I'm gonna hang with these guys. 588 00:27:19,072 --> 00:27:21,675 I have to figure out their secret. 589 00:27:21,675 --> 00:27:24,411 Our secret? One word. 590 00:27:24,411 --> 00:27:29,282 Tag. 0h!! 591 00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:45,231 Okay, so 592 00:27:45,231 --> 00:27:47,067 if I'm in a party and there are five chicks 593 00:27:47,067 --> 00:27:50,270 I like and four of them leave, 594 00:27:50,270 --> 00:27:53,139 then I have one chick remaining. 595 00:27:53,139 --> 00:27:56,743 Oh, yes. Dude, you just nailed some traction. 596 00:27:56,743 --> 00:28:00,280 Well, I got it because you put it in terms I understand. 597 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,850 Hot as chicas. 598 00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:09,889 Hey, turkeys, can I say something? 599 00:28:09,889 --> 00:28:12,225 Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot. 600 00:28:12,225 --> 00:28:14,728 With all those pranks I pulled on you. 601 00:28:14,728 --> 00:28:16,429 Like when I put peanut butter on your crack 602 00:28:16,429 --> 00:28:19,399 and unleashed a pack of dogs or. 603 00:28:19,399 --> 00:28:21,601 Or when I pantsed you at the dance 604 00:28:21,601 --> 00:28:24,871 and started playing your ass cheeks like bongos. 605 00:28:24,871 --> 00:28:30,643 That was funny. Yeah. Yeah. Point is, I was wrong about you. 606 00:28:30,643 --> 00:28:32,045 You're not such a dweeb after all. 607 00:28:32,045 --> 00:28:35,548 Turkeys. You know what? 608 00:28:35,548 --> 00:28:38,852 Come sit next to me at lunch tomorrow. Are you. 609 00:28:38,852 --> 00:28:43,156 Are you serious with the cool kids? Yeah. 610 00:28:43,156 --> 00:28:44,391 I'd be honored. 611 00:28:44,391 --> 00:28:46,226 Of course. 612 00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:51,097 Oh. And bring your good sandwich. 613 00:28:51,097 --> 00:28:58,138 Bye. Bye. Wow. 614 00:28:58,138 --> 00:29:00,140 Wait, P.J., before you go, there's 615 00:29:00,140 --> 00:29:02,375 something I wanted to show you. 616 00:29:02,375 --> 00:29:02,575 Yeah. 617 00:29:02,709 --> 00:29:02,909 What's up? 618 00:29:03,009 --> 00:29:08,915 Dude? 619 00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:20,360 Thank you for coming to my house. 620 00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:23,797 Thank you for coming to my house. 621 00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:28,368 I don't. 622 00:29:28,368 --> 00:29:30,737 Thank you for coming to my house. 623 00:29:30,737 --> 00:29:33,406 You got a fat ass like Mickey Mouse. 624 00:29:33,406 --> 00:29:36,076 You're gonna like being friends with me. 625 00:29:36,076 --> 00:29:38,645 Maybe we can even start a family. 626 00:29:38,645 --> 00:29:41,314 Maybe we can even start a family. 627 00:29:41,314 --> 00:29:44,050 Maybe we can even start a family. 628 00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:45,051 Thank you, thank you, thank you, 629 00:29:45,185 --> 00:29:48,655 thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, P.J.. 630 00:29:52,325 --> 00:29:54,627 Yeah. 631 00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,198 Oh, thanks. 632 00:29:58,198 --> 00:30:02,335 Thank you for coming to my house. 633 00:30:02,335 --> 00:30:03,670 So, see you at lunch tomorrow. 634 00:30:03,670 --> 00:30:08,274 Bring my good sandwich. 635 00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:10,777 No, no, I, 636 00:30:10,777 --> 00:30:15,181 I forgot to have lunch at another school tomorrow. 637 00:30:15,181 --> 00:30:17,550 Maybe next year. 638 00:30:17,550 --> 00:30:20,887 Was it the song? 639 00:30:20,887 --> 00:30:22,522 Kind of. 640 00:30:22,522 --> 00:30:22,889 Yeah. 641 00:30:23,289 --> 00:30:24,057 The whole thing made me feel like 642 00:30:24,057 --> 00:30:28,695 my head was being held underwater. 643 00:30:28,695 --> 00:30:30,263 Hey, sunshine. How you doing? 644 00:30:30,263 --> 00:30:32,132 Oh, PJ. 645 00:30:32,132 --> 00:30:36,770 Oh. Coolest kid in school. 646 00:30:36,770 --> 00:30:38,271 Oh, it's so great to see you here. 647 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,640 I'm actually glad you're still here, because, well, 648 00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:42,308 my wife and I just wanted to 649 00:30:42,308 --> 00:30:44,110 thank you for spending some time with that boy. 650 00:30:44,110 --> 00:30:44,744 Yeah. Yeah. 651 00:30:45,245 --> 00:30:47,781 Ever since, the diagnosis last summer, things have just. 652 00:30:47,781 --> 00:30:51,651 I'm so sorry. Things have just been hard for him, so. 653 00:30:51,651 --> 00:30:55,755 Whoa. Diagnosis. I know Dr. Chris was sick. 654 00:30:55,755 --> 00:31:02,495 Yeah, yeah, he has long cold, like, just a very long cold. So, 655 00:31:02,495 --> 00:31:04,731 anyway, PJ, it's been a struggle for Fergus, 656 00:31:04,731 --> 00:31:08,835 and this means a lot to us. Yes. Jeez. 657 00:31:08,835 --> 00:31:10,970 Now I feel bad. 658 00:31:10,970 --> 00:31:14,374 Dirk, listen. 659 00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:16,609 I shouldn't have judged your song. 660 00:31:16,609 --> 00:31:20,113 You were just trying to express yourself and pursue greatness. 661 00:31:20,113 --> 00:31:23,316 And as Timothy Charlemagne recently taught us. 662 00:31:23,316 --> 00:31:26,119 That's cool. Now, 663 00:31:26,119 --> 00:31:28,488 for the first time ever. 664 00:31:28,488 --> 00:31:32,392 And as that ice skating girl with the striped hair taught us, 665 00:31:32,392 --> 00:31:37,831 you can still be a baddy even if you're a little cracked up. 666 00:31:37,831 --> 00:31:41,201 Look. 667 00:31:41,201 --> 00:31:43,636 What I'm trying to say is, 668 00:31:43,636 --> 00:31:49,943 come sit with me at lunch tomorrow. Bye. 669 00:31:49,943 --> 00:31:51,678 You mean it? 670 00:31:51,678 --> 00:31:55,548 Yeah. And, hey, bring you your good sandwich. 671 00:31:55,548 --> 00:31:57,117 Oh. It's great. 672 00:31:57,117 --> 00:32:05,892 P.J., can we just say before you go? 673 00:32:05,892 --> 00:32:08,328 Thank you for eating lunch with our son. 674 00:32:08,328 --> 00:32:11,131 Thank you for eating lunch with our son. 675 00:32:11,131 --> 00:32:13,767 He's a weird kid. And you're a hunk. 676 00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:16,369 Thank you for eating lunch with our son. 677 00:32:16,369 --> 00:32:17,704 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, 678 00:32:17,704 --> 00:32:19,372 thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 679 00:32:19,372 --> 00:32:20,707 We're in love with you, PJ. 680 00:32:25,578 --> 00:32:27,080 Guys, I'm not going to lie. 681 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:27,981 Y'all are one of the weirdest 682 00:32:27,981 --> 00:32:30,483 families I've ever met in my life. 683 00:32:30,483 --> 00:32:33,553 And it freaks me out that you all have red hair. 684 00:32:33,553 --> 00:32:35,155 It's like you're trying to preserve a community 685 00:32:35,155 --> 00:32:37,090 or something. 686 00:32:37,090 --> 00:32:43,396 He's onto us. 687 00:32:43,396 --> 00:32:44,264 You know. 688 00:32:44,264 --> 00:32:47,300 But then I realized something. 689 00:32:47,300 --> 00:32:51,771 Sometimes being weird is the coolest thing there is. 690 00:32:51,771 --> 00:32:54,474 Look, you don't need to come sit with me, turkeys, 691 00:32:54,474 --> 00:32:58,111 cause I'm going to come sit with you. 692 00:32:58,111 --> 00:33:04,117 And, hey, bring you good sandwich. 693 00:33:05,952 --> 00:33:08,621 Thank you for letting me come to your house. 694 00:33:08,621 --> 00:33:11,191 I could kiss you. All right. On the mouth. 695 00:33:11,191 --> 00:33:12,492 Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, 696 00:33:12,492 --> 00:33:13,793 thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. 697 00:33:35,749 --> 00:33:36,850 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 698 00:33:36,850 --> 00:33:37,951 MUMFORD & SONS! 699 00:33:37,951 --> 00:33:41,087 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 700 00:33:41,087 --> 00:33:42,255 ♪♪ 701 00:33:42,255 --> 00:33:48,561 ♪♪ 702 00:33:48,561 --> 00:33:51,097 ♪ WHEN YOU CAN'T WIN 703 00:33:51,097 --> 00:33:52,565 FOR LOSING 704 00:33:52,565 --> 00:33:54,567 AND THE BEGGARS 705 00:33:54,567 --> 00:33:56,102 START CHOOSING ♪ 706 00:33:56,102 --> 00:33:59,739 ♪ THE CHAOS IN YOUR HEAD 707 00:33:59,739 --> 00:34:01,174 CAUSE THE CRACKS 708 00:34:01,174 --> 00:34:03,677 TO START SHOWING ♪ 709 00:34:03,677 --> 00:34:05,412 ♪ ALL KNOWING, ALL GLOWING 710 00:34:05,412 --> 00:34:10,917 WITH THE LIGHT OF THE 711 00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:16,423 DYING TO RAISE THE DEAD OH ♪ 712 00:34:16,423 --> 00:34:19,192 ♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY 713 00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:21,394 BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪ 714 00:34:21,394 --> 00:34:22,429 ♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART 715 00:34:22,429 --> 00:34:22,896 I WILL CALL YOU 716 00:34:22,896 --> 00:34:25,899 BY YOUR NAME ♪ 717 00:34:25,899 --> 00:34:27,934 ♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY 718 00:34:27,934 --> 00:34:29,936 FROM THE CRACK 719 00:34:29,936 --> 00:34:30,970 TO THE BREAK ♪ 720 00:34:30,970 --> 00:34:32,172 ♪ YOU KNOW THAT 721 00:34:32,172 --> 00:34:35,942 I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪ 722 00:34:35,942 --> 00:34:43,917 ♪♪ 723 00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:46,686 ♪ STEADY YOURSELF 724 00:34:46,686 --> 00:34:48,455 AND YOUR TUMBLEWEED WORDS 725 00:34:48,455 --> 00:34:49,422 BE A STREET CORNER 726 00:34:49,422 --> 00:34:50,657 PREACHER ♪ 727 00:34:50,657 --> 00:34:53,193 ♪ OR JUST FEED THE BIRDS 728 00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:55,428 BUT DON'T HOLD TO YOURSELF 729 00:34:55,428 --> 00:34:57,430 WITH HARD MORTAR AND STONE ♪ 730 00:34:57,430 --> 00:34:59,699 ♪ BE A RUBBER BAND MAN 731 00:34:59,699 --> 00:35:04,671 MAKE THE WATER YOUR BONES ♪ 732 00:35:04,671 --> 00:35:11,811 ♪ DYING JUST TO LIVE 733 00:35:11,811 --> 00:35:13,046 NOW YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY 734 00:35:13,046 --> 00:35:16,049 BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪ 735 00:35:16,049 --> 00:35:17,317 ♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART 736 00:35:17,317 --> 00:35:18,818 AND I WILL CALL YOU 737 00:35:18,818 --> 00:35:20,553 BY YOUR NAME ♪ 738 00:35:20,553 --> 00:35:22,555 ♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY 739 00:35:22,555 --> 00:35:23,790 FROM THE CRACK 740 00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:26,559 TO THE BREAK ♪ 741 00:35:26,559 --> 00:35:27,560 ♪ YOU KNOW THAT 742 00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:30,296 I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪ 743 00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:31,331 ♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER 744 00:35:31,331 --> 00:35:32,532 YOU SAID 745 00:35:32,532 --> 00:35:34,567 GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪ 746 00:35:34,567 --> 00:35:35,802 ♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE 747 00:35:35,802 --> 00:35:36,803 YOU KNOW IT 748 00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:43,076 BREAKS MY HEART ♪ 749 00:35:43,076 --> 00:35:46,546 ♪ AND I'LL CALL YOU ANYTHING 750 00:35:46,546 --> 00:35:55,288 THAT YOU LIKE ♪ 751 00:35:55,288 --> 00:36:00,026 ♪ I AM FREE AND I'M ABLE 752 00:36:00,026 --> 00:36:03,329 TO CALL YOU THE 753 00:36:03,329 --> 00:36:12,305 SECOND THAT YOU DIE ♪ 754 00:36:12,305 --> 00:36:16,309 ♪ JUST TO LIVE NOW 755 00:36:16,309 --> 00:36:17,077 YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY 756 00:36:17,077 --> 00:36:19,546 BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪ 757 00:36:19,546 --> 00:36:20,814 ♪ I KNOW YOU BY YOUR HEART 758 00:36:20,814 --> 00:36:22,082 AND I WILL CALL YOU 759 00:36:22,082 --> 00:36:23,783 BY YOUR NAME ♪ 760 00:36:23,783 --> 00:36:25,819 ♪ AND IT'S A LONG WAY 761 00:36:25,819 --> 00:36:31,358 FROM THE CRACK 762 00:36:31,358 --> 00:36:32,292 TO THE BREAK ♪ 763 00:36:32,292 --> 00:36:33,059 ♪ YOU KNOW THAT 764 00:36:33,059 --> 00:36:34,060 I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪ 765 00:36:34,060 --> 00:36:35,061 ♪ WHEN I SAID FOREVER 766 00:36:35,061 --> 00:36:36,296 YOU SAID 767 00:36:36,296 --> 00:36:38,298 GET BACK IN THE CAR ♪ 768 00:36:38,298 --> 00:36:40,300 ♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE 769 00:36:40,300 --> 00:36:41,301 YOU KNOW IT 770 00:36:41,301 --> 00:36:43,069 BREAKS MY HEART ♪ 771 00:36:43,069 --> 00:36:46,573 ♪ YOU'RE A WORLD AWAY 772 00:36:46,573 --> 00:36:48,074 BUT YOU'RE STILL THE SAME ♪ 773 00:36:48,074 --> 00:36:49,075 ♪ YOU KNOW THAT 774 00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:53,546 I REMEMBER EVERYTHING ♪ 775 00:36:53,546 --> 00:36:54,547 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 776 00:36:54,547 --> 00:37:00,086 ♪♪ 777 00:37:00,086 --> 00:37:01,054 ♪ NEW INK ON YOUR SKIN 778 00:37:01,054 --> 00:37:02,088 RED LIPS IN THE DARK ♪ 779 00:37:02,088 --> 00:37:03,056 ♪ NOTHING LASTS FOREVER BABE 780 00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:03,823 YOU KNOW IT 781 00:37:03,823 --> 00:37:05,792 BREAKS MY HEART ♪ 782 00:37:05,792 --> 00:37:07,794 ♪ PUT A SHIVER ON YOUR SKIN 783 00:37:07,794 --> 00:37:10,563 DO YOUR HAIR IN THE CAR ♪ 784 00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:11,297 ♪ IF NOTHING LASTS 785 00:37:11,297 --> 00:37:14,434 FOREVER BABE 786 00:37:14,434 --> 00:37:16,536 CAN WE MAKE A START ♪♪ 787 00:37:16,536 --> 00:37:25,512 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 788 00:37:39,292 --> 00:37:45,298 It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. 789 00:37:50,804 --> 00:37:52,305 Good evening everyone. 790 00:37:52,305 --> 00:37:53,973 Welcome the weekend update I'm Michael che. 791 00:37:53,973 --> 00:37:57,877 I'm Colin Jost. 792 00:37:57,877 --> 00:37:59,679 Well, guys, I'm starting to worry 793 00:37:59,679 --> 00:38:03,483 that President Trump might not win that peace prize 794 00:38:03,483 --> 00:38:06,586 after launching a massive military strike against Iran. 795 00:38:06,586 --> 00:38:09,289 Trump announced hours ago that they officially killed 796 00:38:09,289 --> 00:38:11,891 the Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, 797 00:38:11,891 --> 00:38:18,765 and replaced him with, oh my God, the guy from Venezuela. 798 00:38:18,765 --> 00:38:21,067 This attack might be a bad idea. 799 00:38:21,067 --> 00:38:23,737 I don't know, I'm not really an expert on Iran. 800 00:38:23,737 --> 00:38:25,739 So let's hear from someone who can explain 801 00:38:25,739 --> 00:38:28,041 why we might have done it. 802 00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:31,111 The president is good 803 00:38:31,111 --> 00:38:39,052 because he has absolutely no influence. 804 00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:40,787 Yeah. 805 00:38:40,787 --> 00:38:41,888 Yeah. 806 00:38:41,888 --> 00:38:47,761 See, now that's the Trump I voted for. 807 00:38:47,761 --> 00:38:51,231 Detractors on CNN are saying that Trump had no authorization 808 00:38:51,231 --> 00:38:56,136 for this war, but he actually did. Netanyahu said it was okay. 809 00:38:56,136 --> 00:38:58,438 I can't believe our leader could just attack Iran 810 00:38:58,438 --> 00:39:01,041 with no vote, no permission from Congress or anything. 811 00:39:01,041 --> 00:39:07,147 I mean, what is this Iran? 812 00:39:07,147 --> 00:39:09,349 President Trump's State of the Union address this week 813 00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:18,692 was the longest in history, lasting almost two full diapers. 814 00:39:18,692 --> 00:39:20,460 During the state of the Union address, 815 00:39:20,460 --> 00:39:22,729 President Trump said, our nation is back 816 00:39:22,729 --> 00:39:25,732 bigger, better and stronger than ever before. 817 00:39:25,732 --> 00:39:30,337 Same said, the measles. 818 00:39:30,337 --> 00:39:30,804 The U.S. 819 00:39:31,037 --> 00:39:32,539 women's hockey team turned down 820 00:39:32,539 --> 00:39:36,543 President Trump's invitation to attend. 821 00:39:36,543 --> 00:39:39,112 You clap 822 00:39:39,112 --> 00:39:45,652 But that only made Trump want the more. 823 00:39:45,652 --> 00:39:48,254 President Trump angrily claimed that Minnesota 824 00:39:48,254 --> 00:39:50,790 has been ransacked by Somali pirates. 825 00:39:50,790 --> 00:39:56,796 But that's only because Trump's kind of an “ARR” word. 826 00:39:59,165 --> 00:40:01,067 Andrew Mountbatten Windsor, 827 00:40:01,067 --> 00:40:07,307 the former prince and current River corpse. 828 00:40:07,307 --> 00:40:10,510 Has been arrested and now may be banned from ever 829 00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:11,745 taking the throne. 830 00:40:11,745 --> 00:40:14,914 In fact, the royal family said the only way he can become king 831 00:40:14,914 --> 00:40:17,550 is if it comes down to either him or Meghan. 832 00:40:22,489 --> 00:40:24,424 Hillary Clinton testified this week 833 00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,291 and said she 834 00:40:25,358 --> 00:40:27,994 confident that Bill Clinton had no knowledge 835 00:40:27,994 --> 00:40:29,596 of Jeffrey Epstein's crimes, 836 00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:30,196 though 837 00:40:30,430 --> 00:40:32,565 there is an outside chance that Hillary 838 00:40:32,565 --> 00:40:36,903 sometimes doesn't know what her husband is up to. 839 00:40:36,903 --> 00:40:38,605 It was reported that Jeffrey Epstein 840 00:40:38,605 --> 00:40:41,241 hid photographs in secret storage lockers 841 00:40:41,241 --> 00:40:42,609 across the country, 842 00:40:42,609 --> 00:40:44,210 but I guess he had to take a lot 843 00:40:44,210 --> 00:40:51,584 of pictures because kids grow up so fast. 844 00:40:51,584 --> 00:40:56,389 What is this, Iran 845 00:40:56,389 --> 00:40:58,625 Researchers have developed a new nasal 846 00:40:58,625 --> 00:41:00,794 spray vaccine that can protect people 847 00:41:00,794 --> 00:41:04,230 against the flu, Covid and other respiratory diseases. 848 00:41:04,230 --> 00:41:06,399 But to get it approved by RFK 849 00:41:06,399 --> 00:41:11,604 they're calling it shark testicle creatine. 850 00:41:11,604 --> 00:41:14,307 During a Black History Month event at the white House, 851 00:41:14,307 --> 00:41:16,843 President Trump defended himself from criticism 852 00:41:16,843 --> 00:41:20,413 that he is racist by listing his black friends, 853 00:41:20,413 --> 00:41:24,284 including Nicki Minaj, Jim Brown and Mike Tyson. 854 00:41:24,284 --> 00:41:26,152 Wow, that's two more than you Colin 855 00:41:32,192 --> 00:41:33,793 Cool. 856 00:41:34,260 --> 00:41:36,629 Well, we have a lot of news to cover this week. 857 00:41:36,629 --> 00:41:37,397 So here to provide 858 00:41:37,797 --> 00:41:44,337 a recap of some headlines is Beth's maid of honor, Katie. 859 00:41:44,337 --> 00:41:46,806 Hello? Hi. 860 00:41:46,806 --> 00:41:50,410 For those of you who don't know me, my name is Katie. 861 00:41:50,410 --> 00:41:54,247 And for those of you who do know me, I'm sorry, 862 00:41:54,247 --> 00:41:56,449 but seriously, 863 00:41:56,449 --> 00:41:58,218 I'm not here to talk about Beth. 864 00:41:58,218 --> 00:42:01,054 Her Scrabble addiction, her dog Skittles, 865 00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:04,424 or her best friend turned husband Cody 866 00:42:04,424 --> 00:42:06,092 forgot to do. 867 00:42:06,092 --> 00:42:08,061 No. I'm here to talk about 868 00:42:08,061 --> 00:42:13,166 the wave of narco terrorism caused by the Mexican cartel. 869 00:42:13,166 --> 00:42:14,067 Oh, okay. Yeah. 870 00:42:14,067 --> 00:42:15,635 Good. Diving right into the news. 871 00:42:15,635 --> 00:42:17,537 Yes, but seriously, 872 00:42:17,537 --> 00:42:20,073 El Macho, Mexico's most wanted man 873 00:42:20,073 --> 00:42:24,477 and leader of the drug cartel, was killed on Sunday or as Beth 874 00:42:24,477 --> 00:42:27,647 and I like to call it, bottomless mimosa today. 875 00:42:27,647 --> 00:42:32,085 Cody, cover your ears. No, but seriously, after him. 876 00:42:32,085 --> 00:42:33,086 And just like 877 00:42:33,086 --> 00:42:35,889 the whole new generation cartel unleashed 878 00:42:35,889 --> 00:42:37,691 a wave of violence across 879 00:42:37,691 --> 00:42:41,194 Mexico, attacking citizens, setting vehicles 880 00:42:41,194 --> 00:42:44,230 ablaze, and turning the city into a ghost town. 881 00:42:44,230 --> 00:42:47,100 A ghost town, and more like Cody cited 882 00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:49,536 the church during the ceremony. Sorry, Cody. 883 00:42:49,536 --> 00:42:54,274 You guys all family? No, but seriously, 884 00:42:54,274 --> 00:42:56,209 I mean, this all seems very serious. 885 00:42:56,209 --> 00:42:56,976 I'm sorry. Katie, wait. 886 00:42:57,177 --> 00:42:58,411 I don't think this is the most appropriate way 887 00:42:58,411 --> 00:43:00,947 to talk about some of this news. Hell, yeah. 888 00:43:00,947 --> 00:43:05,685 Now let's leave the mood with a little walk down memory lane. 889 00:43:05,685 --> 00:43:06,653 That's right. 890 00:43:06,653 --> 00:43:08,254 I'm talking about that steam file. 891 00:43:08,254 --> 00:43:11,925 No, no, no, you guys, the new emails 892 00:43:11,925 --> 00:43:15,128 publish the names of over 20,000 individuals. 893 00:43:15,128 --> 00:43:17,530 Kind of sounds like the invite list for tonight. 894 00:43:17,530 --> 00:43:19,632 Sorry about that. 895 00:43:19,632 --> 00:43:22,302 No, seriously, 896 00:43:22,302 --> 00:43:25,705 I found it on Google that I really love. 897 00:43:25,705 --> 00:43:26,740 When you're in jail, 898 00:43:26,740 --> 00:43:28,942 a good friend will try to bail you out, 899 00:43:28,942 --> 00:43:32,746 but a best friend will be in a cell next to you staying down. 900 00:43:32,746 --> 00:43:34,614 That was fun. 901 00:43:34,614 --> 00:43:37,584 And I think that pretty much describes me and Beth, 902 00:43:37,584 --> 00:43:41,221 but also Jeffrey Epstein and Prince Andrew. Okay. 903 00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:41,621 All right. 904 00:43:41,821 --> 00:43:43,523 We could maybe move past. 905 00:43:43,523 --> 00:43:46,126 Have seen you have a lighter stories, maybe at the Olympics. 906 00:43:46,126 --> 00:43:49,162 You want to talk about that? Hell, yeah. Yeah. 907 00:43:49,162 --> 00:43:52,999 Every four years, nations gather for the Olympics. 908 00:43:52,999 --> 00:43:54,200 Which reminds me. 909 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:59,406 The war in Ukraine rages on. It on its four year mark. 910 00:43:59,406 --> 00:44:02,442 Four years. 911 00:44:02,442 --> 00:44:05,645 That's how long it took Cody to define the relationship. 912 00:44:05,645 --> 00:44:07,447 Oh, okay. That's pretty good. 913 00:44:07,447 --> 00:44:11,685 But seriously, that's maid of honor. Everyone 914 00:44:11,685 --> 00:44:14,254 treat her right, Cody. 915 00:44:17,457 --> 00:44:20,360 A former Olympic athlete who promoted the run 916 00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:24,631 walk, run strategy to running, has died at the age of 80. 917 00:44:24,631 --> 00:44:33,740 Cause of death was listed as run walk bus. 918 00:44:33,740 --> 00:44:36,876 Paramount has won the bidding war to take over Warner Brothers 919 00:44:36,876 --> 00:44:40,680 Discovery after Netflix decided to not submit another offer. 920 00:44:40,680 --> 00:44:44,084 Instead, Netflix spent an hour scrolling around for a new offer 921 00:44:44,084 --> 00:44:47,721 before giving up and going to bed. 922 00:44:47,721 --> 00:44:50,423 A photo from The Epstein Files has gone viral, 923 00:44:50,423 --> 00:44:53,360 showing the late physicist Stephen Hawking 924 00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:55,995 lying between two women in bikinis. 925 00:44:55,995 --> 00:44:57,797 Which brings me to my segment. 926 00:44:57,797 --> 00:45:03,103 Hear me out. 927 00:45:03,103 --> 00:45:04,037 Hear me out. 928 00:45:04,037 --> 00:45:04,938 Okay. 929 00:45:04,938 --> 00:45:07,040 You can't be mad at Stephen Hawking 930 00:45:07,040 --> 00:45:09,309 for being in this picture. What was he supposed to do? 931 00:45:09,309 --> 00:45:12,412 Walk away. 932 00:45:12,412 --> 00:45:15,582 They basically trafficked him. 933 00:45:15,582 --> 00:45:20,620 He had no choice but to forgive the expression. Roll with it. 934 00:45:20,620 --> 00:45:21,788 And don't forget the most 935 00:45:21,788 --> 00:45:25,859 important thing Doctor Hawking taught us. Time is relative. 936 00:45:25,859 --> 00:45:31,364 So that means age is just a number away. Oh. That's not. 937 00:45:31,364 --> 00:45:32,265 This has been. 938 00:45:32,265 --> 00:45:39,539 Hear me out. 939 00:45:39,539 --> 00:45:42,075 Oh, man. 940 00:45:42,075 --> 00:45:45,078 A 70 year old man is saying that he discovered 941 00:45:45,078 --> 00:45:46,680 he had a serious heart issue 942 00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:49,249 after getting an alert from his smart mattress. 943 00:45:49,249 --> 00:45:50,350 While a regular mattress. 944 00:45:50,350 --> 00:45:55,922 Diagnose my drinking problem with a big old wet spot. 945 00:45:55,922 --> 00:45:58,558 Thursday was National Small Dog Day, 946 00:45:58,558 --> 00:46:06,366 which is celebrated every February by Hawks. 947 00:46:06,366 --> 00:46:08,735 Today is the last day of Black History Month, 948 00:46:08,735 --> 00:46:15,475 sponsored by Tourettes. 949 00:46:15,475 --> 00:46:19,045 This show was for someone else. 950 00:46:19,045 --> 00:46:21,448 Some American Girl doll collectors 951 00:46:21,448 --> 00:46:23,850 say they are upset with a new line of modern 952 00:46:23,850 --> 00:46:27,620 era dolls that appear skinnier than previous dolls. 953 00:46:27,620 --> 00:46:32,092 Skinnier now with those cankles. 954 00:46:32,092 --> 00:46:36,730 And. Actress Amanda Seyfried 955 00:46:36,730 --> 00:46:38,898 revealed in an interview that for a scene 956 00:46:38,898 --> 00:46:42,802 in her new movie, she used a prosthetic butt hole. 957 00:46:42,802 --> 00:46:44,204 Even more disturbing, 958 00:46:44,204 --> 00:46:49,242 the movie is Stuart Little in the Forbidden Cave. 959 00:46:53,546 --> 00:46:55,448 Well, the internet has fallen in love 960 00:46:55,448 --> 00:46:59,152 with a baby monkey named punch, 961 00:46:59,152 --> 00:47:00,553 who is being. 962 00:47:00,553 --> 00:47:03,623 He's being bullied by other monkeys after his mom 963 00:47:03,623 --> 00:47:06,926 abandoned him here with her side of the story is punch. 964 00:47:06,926 --> 00:47:09,763 His mom. 965 00:47:09,763 --> 00:47:13,366 Oh, y'all don't know me. 966 00:47:13,366 --> 00:47:16,603 You also know me. You don't know me. 967 00:47:16,603 --> 00:47:18,104 You don't know me. 968 00:47:18,104 --> 00:47:23,877 But you, fella, you could get to know me. 969 00:47:23,877 --> 00:47:31,418 Hey, you like my body, curly? 970 00:47:31,418 --> 00:47:35,355 I think I think I think I'm good, but everyone, 971 00:47:35,355 --> 00:47:38,525 everyone is wondering, you know, why did you abandon punch? 972 00:47:38,525 --> 00:47:41,261 Oh, I had a really good reason. 973 00:47:41,261 --> 00:47:44,397 Okay. What is it? I don't wanna. 974 00:47:44,397 --> 00:47:46,366 Oh! Shut up! 975 00:47:46,366 --> 00:47:52,072 Shut the hell up! You shut up. You shut up! Shut the hell up! 976 00:47:52,072 --> 00:47:54,841 Why is everyone so mad at punches, mom? 977 00:47:54,841 --> 00:47:56,776 What about punches, dad? 978 00:47:56,776 --> 00:48:00,447 Well, who is punches, dad? Well, how am I supposed to know? 979 00:48:00,447 --> 00:48:05,318 I'm like a public library. Anyone could come inside. 980 00:48:05,318 --> 00:48:09,489 Oh! Shut up! I've been with all the A-list monkeys. 981 00:48:09,489 --> 00:48:11,624 I've been what? King Kong? 982 00:48:11,624 --> 00:48:15,028 Something you might not expect about him. 983 00:48:15,028 --> 00:48:19,432 His penis is actually huge. 984 00:48:19,432 --> 00:48:21,735 I lost, I slept with George. 985 00:48:21,735 --> 00:48:23,436 For someone so curious, 986 00:48:23,436 --> 00:48:28,641 he sure had no interest in finding my bean. 987 00:48:28,641 --> 00:48:33,313 Oh, well, let's just say I was Harun Bay's last meal. 988 00:48:33,313 --> 00:48:36,750 Oh, God, I shall. Shut up! 989 00:48:36,750 --> 00:48:39,619 Shut the hell up! Kiss my. Yes! 990 00:48:39,619 --> 00:48:43,223 Kiss my monkey. Yes! 991 00:48:43,223 --> 00:48:46,693 Kiss my ass! Colin. 992 00:48:46,693 --> 00:48:50,764 You ain't my body, girl. And I'm not. 993 00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:51,498 You know what? 994 00:48:51,498 --> 00:48:52,866 You know what punches mom? 995 00:48:52,866 --> 00:48:54,868 We actually have a little surprise for you. 996 00:48:54,868 --> 00:48:57,437 Let's bring him out. It's punch. 997 00:48:57,437 --> 00:49:03,276 Oh, surprise! 998 00:49:03,276 --> 00:49:05,545 Hi, everybody. 999 00:49:05,545 --> 00:49:09,749 Oh! Hell no. Oh! Come on. 1000 00:49:09,749 --> 00:49:15,689 How could you not love a face like that? 1001 00:49:15,689 --> 00:49:17,857 Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. 1002 00:49:17,857 --> 00:49:23,430 Why won't you love me? 1003 00:49:23,430 --> 00:49:26,733 You're breaking my heart. 1004 00:49:26,733 --> 00:49:29,803 Oh. I should get your mama a hug. 1005 00:49:29,803 --> 00:49:34,140 Oh. Oh. Oh, man. Look at that. 1006 00:49:34,140 --> 00:49:35,442 Oh, it's a reunion. 1007 00:49:35,442 --> 00:49:40,914 That's so sweet, Carl. And now I want another baby. 1008 00:49:40,914 --> 00:49:42,248 Oh, wait. 1009 00:49:42,248 --> 00:49:49,356 Oh, come on, Colin, you know we share 98% of the same DNA. 1010 00:49:49,356 --> 00:49:52,058 All I'm asking for is a little bit more. 1011 00:49:52,058 --> 00:49:57,197 Maury, you was punch and his mom. Everyone. 1012 00:49:57,197 --> 00:49:59,599 Oh, my God. 1013 00:49:59,599 --> 00:50:02,002 For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael che. 1014 00:50:02,002 --> 00:50:04,838 Good night. 1015 00:50:19,019 --> 00:50:21,087 So basically it was a whole thing. 1016 00:50:21,087 --> 00:50:23,423 And they have not talked since. 1017 00:50:23,423 --> 00:50:25,525 Wow. I did not realize you knew 1018 00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,095 so much about Hilary Duff family. Yeah. 1019 00:50:29,095 --> 00:50:32,365 Just say it's a special interest of mine. 1020 00:50:32,365 --> 00:50:36,036 Okay, so, Griff, you just got back from a trip, right? 1021 00:50:36,036 --> 00:50:36,403 Oh, yeah. 1022 00:50:37,270 --> 00:50:39,472 I feel like you were gone for a while. Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky. 1023 00:50:39,472 --> 00:50:42,842 You know, I had a ton of PTO, and I figured, if not now, when? 1024 00:50:42,842 --> 00:50:45,378 Oh, wow. That's amazing. 1025 00:50:45,378 --> 00:50:47,847 You were in Europe. Where abouts? 1026 00:50:47,847 --> 00:50:49,249 So we did Italy for a day. 1027 00:50:49,249 --> 00:50:51,484 We did Spain for a day, and then Turkey 1028 00:50:51,484 --> 00:50:54,054 for two months, and. Oh, 1029 00:50:54,054 --> 00:50:56,256 that must be the sheet pan nachos 1030 00:51:04,164 --> 00:51:07,834 Oh my God. 1031 00:51:07,834 --> 00:51:12,739 Griff, did you get that leg lengthening surgery? 1032 00:51:12,739 --> 00:51:15,775 Leg lengthening, sir? 1033 00:51:15,775 --> 00:51:18,144 That's a tongue twister. Am I right, Davis? 1034 00:51:18,144 --> 00:51:21,681 Yeah, seriously, it's like Sheila shakes a shallow leg. 1035 00:51:21,681 --> 00:51:25,085 Like, does the surgery work? 1036 00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:27,654 Exactly. Davis. 1037 00:51:27,654 --> 00:51:30,990 Anyway, I better go get those nachos. 1038 00:51:30,990 --> 00:51:34,094 Yeah. Oh, yeah, I am. 1039 00:51:34,094 --> 00:51:34,561 I'm fine. 1040 00:51:34,861 --> 00:51:36,129 Dude, you're like, seven foot two. 1041 00:51:36,129 --> 00:51:39,866 Just admit you got the surgery. Yeah, bro, you're like two. 1042 00:51:39,866 --> 00:51:43,570 Haley Duff's tall right now. You. 1043 00:51:43,570 --> 00:51:44,938 Am I wrong? 1044 00:51:44,938 --> 00:51:50,110 We don't know. Dude. You used to be, like five one, 1045 00:51:50,110 --> 00:51:52,445 five one. 1046 00:51:52,445 --> 00:51:55,115 You want don't have I think I got, like, 1047 00:51:55,115 --> 00:51:57,550 maybe when I was a baby. 1048 00:51:57,550 --> 00:52:00,720 No, I specifically remember you were five one 1049 00:52:00,720 --> 00:52:03,723 before you left for Turkey because you dated a girl. 1050 00:52:03,723 --> 00:52:05,091 That was five two. 1051 00:52:05,091 --> 00:52:08,228 And she said, I'll literally kill myself 1052 00:52:08,228 --> 00:52:10,764 if my boyfriend is one inch shorter than me. 1053 00:52:10,764 --> 00:52:15,535 And unfortunately, we lost her. 1054 00:52:15,535 --> 00:52:16,736 But guys, guys. 1055 00:52:16,736 --> 00:52:20,273 Come on. Did you ever think that maybe just Griff grew? 1056 00:52:20,273 --> 00:52:22,475 You know, like, people have growth spurts? 1057 00:52:22,475 --> 00:52:24,744 Not when you're 31. 1058 00:52:24,744 --> 00:52:27,981 Okay, well. Well, maybe he hit a second puberty. 1059 00:52:27,981 --> 00:52:31,217 Or, as I like to call it, a two. Brodie. 1060 00:52:31,217 --> 00:52:34,220 Yes. Is a two. Three? 1061 00:52:34,220 --> 00:52:39,359 Yes. Dude. You're awesome. Davis. Dude, by the way. 1062 00:52:39,359 --> 00:52:41,661 Hey, Kyle. 1063 00:52:41,661 --> 00:52:43,997 We got to do a basketball rematch, brother. 1064 00:52:43,997 --> 00:52:46,866 What happen? Having a pow wow. 1065 00:52:46,866 --> 00:52:49,002 All right, dunk on your ass. You're not dunking. 1066 00:52:49,002 --> 00:52:50,770 I'm not playing you in basketball. 1067 00:52:50,770 --> 00:52:53,640 Oh, scared and so scared. 1068 00:52:53,640 --> 00:52:55,241 I've never seen him scared like this. 1069 00:52:55,241 --> 00:53:01,614 Hey. Yeah, I am scared of your new Turkish legs shattering 1070 00:53:01,614 --> 00:53:02,515 guys. 1071 00:53:02,515 --> 00:53:04,884 Seriously, though, if I got the leg 1072 00:53:04,884 --> 00:53:09,155 lengthening surgery or whatever, would I be able to do this? 1073 00:53:12,058 --> 00:53:14,861 Yes, definitely. 1074 00:53:14,861 --> 00:53:18,164 Okay, fine, I admit it. I got the surgery. 1075 00:53:18,164 --> 00:53:19,165 Are you happy now? 1076 00:53:19,165 --> 00:53:21,768 Yeah. Seriously, are you guys happy now? 1077 00:53:21,768 --> 00:53:23,937 Davis, why are you so invested in this? 1078 00:53:23,937 --> 00:53:26,239 Oh, oh, I'll tell you why. 1079 00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,775 Because in order for Griff to achieve his dreams, 1080 00:53:28,775 --> 00:53:31,811 I had to donate my leg bones. 1081 00:53:31,811 --> 00:53:35,081 Oh, yeah. That's right. 1082 00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:37,517 You both got leg shortening surgery. 1083 00:53:37,517 --> 00:53:39,919 You didn't have to do that. Oh, okay. 1084 00:53:39,919 --> 00:53:43,490 Yeah, I did, because that's what friends do. 1085 00:53:43,490 --> 00:53:46,459 No, like you medically didn't have to do that. 1086 00:53:46,459 --> 00:53:50,897 They use rods. It's not like a kidney. 1087 00:53:50,897 --> 00:53:54,534 Well, I'm glad I didn't know that information 1088 00:53:54,534 --> 00:53:59,806 because I love my new little legs. 1089 00:53:59,806 --> 00:54:01,808 Yes. Davis. Yeah. 1090 00:54:01,808 --> 00:54:04,044 I love them legs, man. 1091 00:54:04,044 --> 00:54:07,614 Now, the doctor did say that there's an 80% chance 1092 00:54:07,614 --> 00:54:10,350 my body will reject his bones, 1093 00:54:10,350 --> 00:54:13,720 but doctors will be saying whatever. 1094 00:54:13,720 --> 00:54:14,721 Hey. Hey, man. 1095 00:54:14,721 --> 00:54:16,222 The second I am medically cleared 1096 00:54:16,222 --> 00:54:19,059 to stand in 2029, I am giving you that hug. 1097 00:54:19,059 --> 00:54:20,060 Oh my gosh. 1098 00:54:20,193 --> 00:54:23,363 And in the meantime, I'll bring the hug to you here. But 1099 00:54:26,499 --> 00:54:29,235 Oh, my. 1100 00:54:29,235 --> 00:54:30,937 Oh my goodness. 1101 00:54:30,937 --> 00:54:33,707 Y'all distracted me and the sheet tray, not Joseph. 1102 00:54:33,707 --> 00:54:39,512 Bernie I gotta go grab some nachos. Oh, nachos. 1103 00:54:39,512 --> 00:54:43,516 Oh yeah. 1104 00:54:43,516 --> 00:54:44,217 Great. 1105 00:54:44,517 --> 00:54:49,556 Another bad day in a series of bad days for me. 1106 00:55:01,868 --> 00:55:06,373 Don't ask me. Hi, guys. Everybody. Randall. 1107 00:55:06,373 --> 00:55:08,942 If I can get everyone's attention for a snack. 1108 00:55:08,942 --> 00:55:10,076 Look, 1109 00:55:10,076 --> 00:55:13,346 I know spirits are low after the third round of layoffs, 1110 00:55:13,346 --> 00:55:16,049 so I think it would be great to brainstorm 1111 00:55:16,049 --> 00:55:19,953 some ways to raise office morale. 1112 00:55:19,953 --> 00:55:21,821 How about some more vacation days? 1113 00:55:21,821 --> 00:55:24,624 Okay. That's great. Who else? 1114 00:55:24,624 --> 00:55:26,726 What about an espresso machine for the kitchen 1115 00:55:26,726 --> 00:55:29,195 or, new TV for the break room? 1116 00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:32,665 Okay, these are all great. Any other ideas? 1117 00:55:32,665 --> 00:55:34,901 I have an idea. 1118 00:55:34,901 --> 00:55:38,738 We should have a dance. 1119 00:55:38,738 --> 00:55:41,241 I'm sorry. What? 1120 00:55:41,241 --> 00:55:43,410 We should have a big dance. 1121 00:55:43,410 --> 00:55:47,080 The boys in tuxedos, the girls in gowns. 1122 00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,949 A night to remember. 1123 00:55:49,949 --> 00:55:52,252 Okay, sure. 1124 00:55:52,252 --> 00:55:56,556 Probably not a dance, but, what about some other ideas? 1125 00:55:56,556 --> 00:56:00,026 Oh, I think we should get a women's bathroom. 1126 00:56:00,026 --> 00:56:02,462 I'm tired of sticking my bare ass out the window 1127 00:56:02,462 --> 00:56:06,266 every time I have to go. 1128 00:56:06,266 --> 00:56:10,603 Hannah, we have a women's bathroom. 1129 00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:13,573 We do? 1130 00:56:13,573 --> 00:56:17,177 Well, in that case, I vote for the dance. 1131 00:56:17,177 --> 00:56:18,311 Quick question about the dance. 1132 00:56:18,311 --> 00:56:21,915 Would we, bring our wives and husbands? 1133 00:56:21,915 --> 00:56:26,052 No, we would go with each other. 1134 00:56:26,052 --> 00:56:27,187 The boys would ask the girls. 1135 00:56:27,187 --> 00:56:31,458 And for one night only, the outside world doesn't exist. 1136 00:56:31,458 --> 00:56:34,861 Severin style. 1137 00:56:34,861 --> 00:56:38,164 And what do you mean by seven? Stop. 1138 00:56:38,164 --> 00:56:40,166 Well, at home you can be one person, 1139 00:56:40,166 --> 00:56:44,304 but in the office you're living a completely different life. 1140 00:56:44,304 --> 00:56:48,074 And I've been living seven style this whole time. 1141 00:56:48,074 --> 00:56:50,210 No, Jerry, you're just having an affair. 1142 00:56:50,210 --> 00:56:56,216 My enemy is my outie is actually a really good man. 1143 00:56:56,249 --> 00:56:59,085 He's a father and a husband who doesn't cheat. 1144 00:56:59,085 --> 00:57:02,022 Never miss a baseball game because he was drinking. 1145 00:57:02,022 --> 00:57:05,025 He's a good man. And that. 1146 00:57:05,025 --> 00:57:08,328 So I have to say about that. 1147 00:57:11,297 --> 00:57:11,798 Okay. 1148 00:57:12,265 --> 00:57:14,868 Moving on. What else will happen at this dance? 1149 00:57:14,868 --> 00:57:17,404 Oh, well, the office nerd will take off 1150 00:57:17,404 --> 00:57:20,807 their glasses, revealing they're actually beautiful. 1151 00:57:20,807 --> 00:57:26,646 Too bad we don't have an office nerd. 1152 00:57:26,646 --> 00:57:29,916 Hey, girl. 1153 00:57:29,916 --> 00:57:32,118 Question for the dance. 1154 00:57:32,118 --> 00:57:34,654 Could we sneak alcohol into the office? 1155 00:57:34,654 --> 00:57:37,791 You already do that, Randall? 1156 00:57:37,791 --> 00:57:44,330 No. I just bring my big bottle of sprite every day, and. 1157 00:57:44,330 --> 00:57:44,931 That's right. 1158 00:57:44,931 --> 00:57:48,068 It's from. 1159 00:57:48,068 --> 00:57:50,203 Oh, and another thing. 1160 00:57:50,203 --> 00:57:52,072 At the end of the night, we would crown a king 1161 00:57:52,072 --> 00:57:52,972 and the queen. 1162 00:57:52,972 --> 00:57:55,208 Oh I know who the king's going to be. 1163 00:57:55,208 --> 00:58:01,214 Egbert. 1164 00:58:04,284 --> 00:58:07,020 Maybe it's the sprite talking but 1165 00:58:07,020 --> 00:58:10,190 I'd hit it. 1166 00:58:10,190 --> 00:58:12,726 At him. 1167 00:58:12,726 --> 00:58:15,829 Oh that's great. Got a bite. 1168 00:58:15,829 --> 00:58:17,564 So it's settled. 1169 00:58:17,564 --> 00:58:19,632 Egbert will be king, and the queen 1170 00:58:19,632 --> 00:58:22,736 will be the hottest girl in the office. 1171 00:58:22,736 --> 00:58:25,538 Okay, on the count of three, let's all say who 1172 00:58:25,538 --> 00:58:27,474 we think the hottest girl in the office is. 1173 00:58:27,474 --> 00:58:30,577 No, guys, no one. 1174 00:58:30,577 --> 00:58:33,847 Two. Three. Hannah. 1175 00:58:36,116 --> 00:58:39,285 No one else said anything. 1176 00:58:39,285 --> 00:58:41,888 Cool. 1177 00:58:41,888 --> 00:58:46,059 Okay, now all we need are, dates. 1178 00:58:46,059 --> 00:58:47,694 Cassie. 1179 00:58:47,694 --> 00:58:49,963 Ever since the first day I started working here, 1180 00:58:49,963 --> 00:58:52,699 you, like, totally changed my life. 1181 00:58:52,699 --> 00:58:58,438 Oh, so I'm going to take a chance. 1182 00:58:58,438 --> 00:59:04,577 Oh. Cassie, will you go to the dance with me? 1183 00:59:04,577 --> 00:59:07,147 Oh, every bone in my body 1184 00:59:07,147 --> 00:59:10,450 is telling me you're just going to hurt me. 1185 00:59:10,450 --> 00:59:12,585 But, yes, 1186 00:59:12,585 --> 00:59:18,124 you guys are both married to other people. 1187 00:59:18,124 --> 00:59:20,560 Not tonight. 1188 00:59:20,560 --> 00:59:24,264 Nice. Seven. Stop. 1189 00:59:24,264 --> 00:59:30,036 Well, looks like all we need now is some music, 1190 00:59:30,036 --> 00:59:37,043 Making out with that? 1191 00:59:37,043 --> 00:59:41,247 Mumford and sons, we are using our bathroom. 1192 00:59:41,247 --> 00:59:41,648 Of course. 1193 00:59:41,948 --> 00:59:46,786 You, we do everything together. 1194 00:59:46,786 --> 00:59:51,291 Now let's get king eggs laid for the very first time. 1195 00:59:51,291 --> 00:59:55,061 What makes you think I haven't been? I haven't? 1196 01:00:22,222 --> 01:00:25,191 >>> ONCE AGAIN, MUMFORD & SONS. 1197 01:00:25,191 --> 01:00:32,198 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1198 01:00:32,198 --> 01:00:32,532 ♪♪ 1199 01:00:32,532 --> 01:00:35,935 ♪♪ 1200 01:00:35,935 --> 01:00:37,937 ♪ WELL HERE'S MY 1201 01:00:37,937 --> 01:00:40,173 FINAL SERENADE 1202 01:00:40,173 --> 01:00:40,940 HERE'S A GUN 1203 01:00:40,940 --> 01:00:43,910 AND HERE'S A BLADE ♪ 1204 01:00:43,910 --> 01:00:45,178 ♪ HERE'S A PICTURE 1205 01:00:45,178 --> 01:00:46,212 THAT I SAVED 1206 01:00:46,212 --> 01:00:48,415 FOR TOO LONG ♪ 1207 01:00:48,415 --> 01:00:49,416 ♪ HERE'S MY 1208 01:00:49,416 --> 01:00:51,685 CREDIT CARD AND KEYS 1209 01:00:51,685 --> 01:00:52,919 AND THE REASON 1210 01:00:52,919 --> 01:00:55,188 I WON'T FIND PEACE ♪ 1211 01:00:55,188 --> 01:00:56,923 ♪ HERE'S A SONG 1212 01:00:56,923 --> 01:00:58,925 I COULD NOT COMPLETE 1213 01:00:58,925 --> 01:01:00,427 FOR TOO LONG ♪ 1214 01:01:00,427 --> 01:01:01,695 ♪ HERE'S MY PRIDE 1215 01:01:01,695 --> 01:01:02,929 AND HERE'S MY SHAME 1216 01:01:02,929 --> 01:01:04,197 HERE'S A TROPHY 1217 01:01:04,197 --> 01:01:06,433 THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪ 1218 01:01:06,433 --> 01:01:07,434 ♪ HERE'S ALL THE 1219 01:01:07,434 --> 01:01:09,903 MISTAKES I MADE 1220 01:01:09,903 --> 01:01:11,905 FOR TOO LONG ♪ 1221 01:01:11,905 --> 01:01:13,440 ♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS 1222 01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:15,442 I NEVER GAVE 1223 01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,177 HERE'S THE CALLS 1224 01:01:17,177 --> 01:01:19,412 I SHOULDA MADE ♪ 1225 01:01:19,412 --> 01:01:25,185 ♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE 1226 01:01:25,185 --> 01:01:26,453 THAT I CRAVED 1227 01:01:26,453 --> 01:01:27,420 ALL ALONG ♪ 1228 01:01:27,420 --> 01:01:28,421 ♪ WELL HERE'S MY VISION 1229 01:01:28,421 --> 01:01:29,422 HERE'S MY AIM 1230 01:01:29,422 --> 01:01:30,690 HERE'S MY ADDRESS 1231 01:01:30,690 --> 01:01:31,925 AND THE ONES I BLAME ♪ 1232 01:01:31,925 --> 01:01:33,460 ♪ WHILE YOU'RE SITTING 1233 01:01:33,460 --> 01:01:36,429 TAKING NAMES 1234 01:01:36,429 --> 01:01:39,165 I JUST WANT TO BELONG ♪ 1235 01:01:39,165 --> 01:01:41,935 ♪ HERE'S MY LONELY SERENADE 1236 01:01:41,935 --> 01:01:42,936 HERE'S A GUN AND 1237 01:01:42,936 --> 01:01:44,938 HERE'S A BLADE ♪ 1238 01:01:44,938 --> 01:01:46,206 ♪ HERE'S A PICTURE 1239 01:01:46,206 --> 01:01:48,908 THAT I SAVED 1240 01:01:48,908 --> 01:01:51,711 BEFORE YOU WERE GONE ♪ 1241 01:01:51,711 --> 01:01:52,946 ♪ AND HERE'S MY PRIDE 1242 01:01:52,946 --> 01:01:53,913 AND HERE'S MY SHAME 1243 01:01:53,913 --> 01:01:55,148 HERE'S A TROPHY 1244 01:01:55,148 --> 01:01:57,183 THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪ 1245 01:01:57,183 --> 01:01:58,184 ♪ HERE'S ALL THE 1246 01:01:58,184 --> 01:02:01,154 MISTAKES I MADE 1247 01:02:01,154 --> 01:02:03,423 FOR TOO LONG ♪ 1248 01:02:03,423 --> 01:02:04,691 ♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS 1249 01:02:04,691 --> 01:02:05,925 I NEVER GAVE 1250 01:02:05,925 --> 01:02:07,193 HERE'S THE CALLS 1251 01:02:07,193 --> 01:02:09,429 I SHOULDA MADE ♪ 1252 01:02:09,429 --> 01:02:10,663 ♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE 1253 01:02:10,663 --> 01:02:11,931 THAT I CRAVE 1254 01:02:11,931 --> 01:02:20,674 ALL ALONG ♪ 1255 01:02:20,674 --> 01:02:23,176 ♪ CAN YOU HOLD 1256 01:02:23,176 --> 01:02:27,180 ALL MY SECRETS 1257 01:02:27,180 --> 01:02:28,948 CAN WE SWEAR 1258 01:02:28,948 --> 01:02:32,686 THAT WE CAN FORGET ♪ 1259 01:02:32,686 --> 01:02:35,689 ♪ I HAD LIES LIKE 1260 01:02:35,689 --> 01:02:41,428 YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE 1261 01:02:41,428 --> 01:02:46,199 BROUGHT TO MY KNEES ♪ 1262 01:02:46,199 --> 01:02:54,674 ♪♪ 1263 01:02:54,674 --> 01:02:59,913 ♪♪ 1264 01:02:59,913 --> 01:03:01,448 ♪ WELL HERE'S MY PRIDE 1265 01:03:01,448 --> 01:03:02,682 AND HERE'S MY SHAME 1266 01:03:02,682 --> 01:03:03,950 HERE'S A TROPHY 1267 01:03:03,950 --> 01:03:06,186 THAT BEARS MY NAME ♪ 1268 01:03:06,186 --> 01:03:07,454 ♪ HERE'S ALL THE 1269 01:03:07,454 --> 01:03:08,688 MISTAKES I MADE 1270 01:03:08,688 --> 01:03:11,157 FOR TOO LONG ♪ 1271 01:03:11,157 --> 01:03:12,892 ♪ HERE'S THE ANSWERS 1272 01:03:12,892 --> 01:03:15,395 I NEVER GAVE 1273 01:03:15,395 --> 01:03:17,163 HERE'S THE CALLS 1274 01:03:17,163 --> 01:03:18,898 I SHOULDA MADE ♪ 1275 01:03:18,898 --> 01:03:22,135 ♪ HERE'S A SUBSTANCE 1276 01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:22,902 THAT I CRAVED 1277 01:03:22,902 --> 01:03:25,905 ALL ALONG ♪ 1278 01:03:25,905 --> 01:03:29,776 ♪♪ 1279 01:03:29,776 --> 01:03:39,452 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 1280 01:03:46,092 --> 01:03:47,894 The suite is so nice. 1281 01:03:47,894 --> 01:03:50,897 I can't believe you guys splurge on my bachelorette party. 1282 01:03:50,897 --> 01:03:53,299 Oh, we love you. So fun. 1283 01:03:53,299 --> 01:03:55,769 Well, get ready, because for my bachelorette, 1284 01:03:55,769 --> 01:03:57,971 I'm going to make you guys take me to Europe. 1285 01:03:57,971 --> 01:03:58,972 Oh, okay. 1286 01:03:58,972 --> 01:04:04,878 Just try getting to a relationship first. 1287 01:04:04,878 --> 01:04:06,680 Oh, my God, I'm trying. 1288 01:04:06,680 --> 01:04:09,349 Oh! Ooh! Who could that be? 1289 01:04:09,349 --> 01:04:11,818 Don't tell me you guys got a stripper. 1290 01:04:11,818 --> 01:04:17,824 Guilty. 1291 01:04:21,461 --> 01:04:22,829 I am serious. 1292 01:04:22,829 --> 01:04:24,798 I like these. 1293 01:04:24,798 --> 01:04:25,331 Oh my God. 1294 01:04:25,331 --> 01:04:30,303 Oh, my God, the plumber. 1295 01:04:30,303 --> 01:04:33,073 Is that. 1296 01:04:33,073 --> 01:04:35,075 Oh my God! 1297 01:04:35,075 --> 01:04:36,076 Are you okay? 1298 01:04:36,076 --> 01:04:39,913 Oh, I was hit by a little car on my way here, 1299 01:04:39,913 --> 01:04:41,981 but I've never missed the party, 1300 01:04:41,981 --> 01:04:45,752 and I'm not going to start now. 1301 01:04:45,752 --> 01:04:48,888 Oh. Who wants to see my abs? 1302 01:04:48,888 --> 01:04:53,560 Oh. Oh. 1303 01:04:53,560 --> 01:04:57,864 Oh. I'm worried about him, but I definitely don't 1304 01:04:57,864 --> 01:04:59,132 want him to stop. 1305 01:05:00,500 --> 01:05:03,536 Well, I just hope his penis is unscathed. 1306 01:05:03,536 --> 01:05:08,441 Oh, can we know you're gay? You don't have to do all that. 1307 01:05:08,441 --> 01:05:10,043 Oh, okay. 1308 01:05:10,043 --> 01:05:13,279 So I have so many more clothes to put on the floor. 1309 01:05:13,279 --> 01:05:16,950 Oh. Oh, I think that's his sexy 1310 01:05:16,950 --> 01:05:19,953 little lady who wants to help me. 1311 01:05:19,953 --> 01:05:25,959 Brown hair like mama. Oh. 1312 01:05:33,800 --> 01:05:35,068 Oh. Oh. 1313 01:05:35,068 --> 01:05:39,072 Gorgeous woman. 1314 01:05:39,072 --> 01:05:41,908 I'm on my way to you. 1315 01:05:41,908 --> 01:05:45,245 Wow. He's using his plunger to crawl towards me. 1316 01:05:45,245 --> 01:05:47,113 That's so hot. 1317 01:05:47,113 --> 01:05:50,417 Oh. What's your name? Mama. 1318 01:05:50,417 --> 01:05:53,119 Ella. 1319 01:05:53,119 --> 01:05:55,221 Was your last name? 1320 01:05:55,221 --> 01:05:58,091 Okay. I feel like you're just, like, stalling to get over. 1321 01:05:58,091 --> 01:06:04,097 Okay. 1322 01:06:05,865 --> 01:06:09,936 Okay. Oh. 1323 01:06:09,936 --> 01:06:12,739 Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, yes. 1324 01:06:12,739 --> 01:06:18,712 Will you dance with me? Yes. 1325 01:06:19,779 --> 01:06:21,481 00000. 1326 01:06:21,481 --> 01:06:25,752 Okay. You got a lot of blood. Okay. 1327 01:06:25,752 --> 01:06:28,388 Will you take off my pants? Are you. 1328 01:06:30,857 --> 01:06:31,358 Are you sure? 1329 01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:31,891 Because it seemed like 1330 01:06:32,392 --> 01:06:33,793 when you took your shirt off, it hurt really bad. 1331 01:06:33,793 --> 01:06:35,095 No, these are terrible. 1332 01:06:35,095 --> 01:06:40,433 Oh, okay. One. Two. Three. Oh. 1333 01:06:40,433 --> 01:06:42,635 Three. Yeah. 1334 01:06:42,635 --> 01:06:46,906 Oh, Serge, is your leg okay? 1335 01:06:46,906 --> 01:06:50,210 What do you think? I got it back. 1336 01:06:50,210 --> 01:06:52,979 Well, ladies, I think we're all thinking the same thing. 1337 01:06:52,979 --> 01:06:56,282 His body is mid. 1338 01:06:56,282 --> 01:07:00,620 It's literally the best I've ever seen. 1339 01:07:00,620 --> 01:07:03,556 Oh my God. 1340 01:07:03,556 --> 01:07:07,127 Sounds like someone's little lap dance. 1341 01:07:07,127 --> 01:07:08,495 I guess I frankly do. 1342 01:07:08,495 --> 01:07:13,333 Oh, do not be so sexy. 1343 01:07:13,333 --> 01:07:15,835 It took my breath. Okay. 1344 01:07:15,835 --> 01:07:19,339 Oh. Oh. Oh, 1345 01:07:19,339 --> 01:07:22,709 and you stuck my bed. 1346 01:07:22,709 --> 01:07:24,611 Oh. Oh. 1347 01:07:24,611 --> 01:07:27,480 I'm good. 1348 01:07:27,480 --> 01:07:31,217 Have you wrapped it around, like, around my thigh? 1349 01:07:31,217 --> 01:07:35,689 Oh, like like a tourniquet. 1350 01:07:35,689 --> 01:07:39,125 Guys, I think he passed out. 1351 01:07:39,125 --> 01:07:43,163 Hey, Serge. You okay? Oh my God. Oh! 1352 01:07:43,163 --> 01:07:47,300 Oh my God. Oh! Oh, my. Oh! 1353 01:07:47,300 --> 01:07:49,836 Oh, it's a party. 1354 01:07:51,538 --> 01:07:57,544 Great. 1355 01:07:59,479 --> 01:08:02,015 Oh! Oh. 1356 01:08:02,015 --> 01:08:07,187 Going down. 1357 01:08:07,187 --> 01:08:08,021 Oh my God! 1358 01:08:08,021 --> 01:08:15,095 Is he dead? 1359 01:08:15,095 --> 01:08:21,067 Your life is like this. 1360 01:08:35,515 --> 01:08:37,917 My biggest thanks to Mumford and Sons 1361 01:08:37,917 --> 01:08:41,388 Quinn Hughes, Jack Hughes, Hilary Knight, Megan Keller, 1362 01:08:41,388 --> 01:08:44,591 Hudson Williams, Hozier, 1363 01:08:44,591 --> 01:08:47,494 Gerard Farrell and Aaron Desker. 1364 01:08:47,494 --> 01:08:50,697 This is truly been an absolute dream come true. 1365 01:08:50,697 --> 01:08:54,567 My biggest thank you to Lorne Michaels for having me here. 1366 01:08:54,567 --> 01:08:56,336 Thank you. Thank you everyone. 1367 01:08:56,336 --> 01:08:59,172 Thank you to Kerry Powers Rebecca Schwartz. 1368 01:08:59,172 --> 01:09:01,775 Thank you to my team. Thank you to the crew and the cast. 1369 01:09:01,775 --> 01:09:04,811 Everyone is like so incredible. 1370 01:09:04,811 --> 01:09:07,414 I truly cannot believe this. Thank you to everyone. 1371 01:09:07,414 --> 01:09:10,550 Thank you to Donna. Thank you to Jenna. 1372 01:09:10,550 --> 01:09:12,118 It's, like, absolutely insane 1373 01:09:12,118 --> 01:09:15,288 just how many people are constantly running around 1374 01:09:15,288 --> 01:09:18,358 and, like, this is the best environment ever. 1375 01:09:18,358 --> 01:09:21,361 So thank you so much.