Good evening.
I'm Kaitlin Collins.
Despite repeated offers from the Harris campaign,
Donald Trump has officially refused
to appear in another debate, saying, quote, it's not because
I'm scared, so don't tell people I'm scared.
However, there was one format in which President Trump
was willing to face off against Harris.
We take you live to that now.
It's time for.
Here's your host, Steve Harvey.
Okay. Okay. Now.
All right.
Welcome to Family Feud election edition.
I am Steve Harvey, and I have spent the past
20 years hosting every show on
TV as my alibi for them dinner parties.
Now, tonight, we got two political rivals on this side.
It's the Democrats led by Vice President Kamala Harris.
It's wonderful to be here, Steve.
I love to see a man getting paid millions of dollars
at his black job.
When I like to say a black thank you.
You have been out there this week.
I saw you on Univision and Stephen Colbert.
Yeah. Steve, it's been a hell of a week.
I went on Howard Stern to reach the horny cab drivers.
I went on The View for the horny moms.
And I also went on the podcast called Call Her Daddy because,
I have a message.
I have a message for young women. Okay.
You need to go to the ballot box if you want
the government out to ballot box.
Okay, okay, okay.
I see what you did there. I see what you did there.
Yeah, yeah. And it's working.
My campaign has raised $1 billion.
Come, Lord.
How are you not winning by a landslide?
No, no, that's a.
That's a question.
I scream into my pillow every morning.
Okay.
Next on Team Harris is the second gentleman himself, Mr.
Doug Emhoff.
Yes. Hello. Oh,
tis I, Doug,
aka Doug the Shrug, aka if Mr.
Belding from saved by the Bell had sex with a menorah.
And, are you doing any media this week?
I was not asked.
All right. Mr..
Doug, is Minnesota governor Tim Walz.
Great to be on the feud.
I am such a huge fan of your stand up, Cedric.
Tim. Tim.
When black comedians talk about white people,
they talk about you.
I do like that. Yeah. You do.
And finally, on the Democrat side,
is President Joe Biden passing?
Oh, yes.
Thank you. Regis.
Great to be on the crude family feud.
So down
anyway.
And guess what.
And by the way, the show's great.
I'm being serious right now.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
I gotta say, you looking pretty good.
Yeah, because I'm getting my rest.
Number one, I sleep when I can.
Number two, I'm gonna sleep right now.
All right, then, let's meet the Republicans
on the top of the ticket.
We got a man who is evicted me from my apartment in 1982.
President Donald Trump.
Yes. Thank you. Steve.
It's great to be here on feud going up against Kamala.
Now, Donald, I gotta say,
I respect you because we both wear long ties.
Yeah. Neck to nuts.
And then move over to President Trump's lovely wife, Melania.
Okay.
Here.
It's so strange.
I could have sworn she was standing right
beside me about two years ago,
but, in a
place I've brought a beloved member of the Trump family.
And also Don Jr.
Hilarious.
Dad.
Hey, how about me and JD here, We could be twins.
It's almost like my dad picked me to be his vice president.
But he didn't.
He didn't.
And, Steve, can I just say, it's so refreshing to be on a show
that celebrates families.
I'm like the Democrats who turned our hero, the Joker,
into a gay guy who's obsessed with Lady Gaga.
Okay, give me Kamala.
Give me Trump.
They played a few.
Back.
I'm telling you, Steve, she's going to be horrible
at this game. She's a very low IQ person.
The whole world is laughing at her
because they don't respect her like they respected me.
Well, okay.
See, the fact is, Donald Trump likes dictators, all right.
Because anyone can manipulate him simply through flattery.
That's simply not true.
It's not true. Okay.
You look handsome tonight.
I love her, isn't she great?
She's got my. Vote.
All right, let's play the game.
Okay. One other people survey.
Top six answers on the board.
Name something that you keep in your glove compartment.
Oh, VP Harris. Steve, look.
I was raised in a middle class family.
All right. Oh, here we go. Okay.
My mother raised my sister. Me.
All right.
She worked hard and saved up.
Yeah.
And we had a second mother, too.
Okay.
Did that mother have a glove compartment?
A small business owner named Miss Shelton.
Okay, we got that. Something that you keep in.
Glove Compartment
Oh, a Glock safe, a big old glock
Oh oh.
Oh, snap.
Okay, so you. Strapped like that? All right.
Show me the bleep bleep bleep.
Ow! Number two answer the.
Democrats with controlling the board.
Let's go. Yeah.
All right Doug Emhoff
made something that you keep in your glove compartment.
Oh wow.
I mean I can't top that.
It was so perfect.
I'll go with the same answer, Steve a glock. Oh,
you want to give the same answer?
Oh, it seemed like a bad strategy.
But sell me another blanket.
Oh, oh, oh,
that kind of second one.
That's the number one answer.
Damn, America. Oh. All right.
Let's go over to Tim Walsh. Okay.
Something that you keep in a glove compartment.
This is right in my wheelhouse.
In my glove box.
I got hot hands, napkins from runs, and got to have Tums
in case I eat something spicy, like tomato.
If you say so.
Show me some white.
Nice. It's.
Oh, sorry.
It's not up there.
Let's go over to President Joe Biden.
Something that you're keeping your glove box.
I like to buy a vowel.
Well, that is that's that's the wrong game player.
Come on, Conan.
What are you doing?
It's me. I'm still the president. I'm Joe.
I may be older, but beat the hell out of you a pop. You.
I'll give you an uncle sandwich. You know how to do it.
I can make sandwiches.
And guess what? Here's a deal.
I'm not the old one.
Now, Trump is the only difference.
I know how to walk away about six months too late.
Okay, show me.
Whatever that was.
Oh, man, that was the answer.
So bad.
They gave you a double X.
All right,
Republicans, you got a chance to steal something major.
Keeping your guards glove box.
I've been told not to speak.
Same here.
All right, President Trump, what you got?
Well, Steve, I've never ridden in front seat of cars.
So this question is very unfair.
So to answer this I'm going to do one of my signature weaves.
Right.
It's called the weave where I say
lots of different things, but it all comes together
so beautifully like an episode of Seinfeld.
Seinfeld, you know, Jerry was always wearing mom jeans,
not bad jeans.
Just like the immigrants who are ruining this country.
They're eating the pants, they're eating Lou.
Dang.
But it's also we are giving our asses.
I mean, you look at Korea, you look at Japan, America,
not even there's no room.
So it's like glove compartment, right?
There's no room. You see what? I did this thing.
Oh, yeah.
I know exactly what you did.
Show me dementia.
Democrats win!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
MUSICAL GUEST -- STEVIE NICKS. AND YOUR HOST, ARIANA GRANDE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARIANA GRANDE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HOSTING SNL.
THIS YEAR HAS BEEN TRULY AMAZING. I GOT TO PLAY IN THE WICKED
MOVIE. WHICH IS AWESOME. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M SUCH A
THEATER KID, AND IT'S EVERY KID'S DREAM TO EITHER PLAY THAT. IT'S EVERY THEATER'S KID TO LOSE
THEIR VIRGINITY, BUT THEIR SECOND DREAM IS OF COURSE TO BE IN WICKED.
IT'S SO AMAZING TO BE HERE. THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN 2016, AND WE WERE RIGHT ON THE
VERGE OF ELECTING OUR FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SO I GUESS SECOND TIME'S A CHARM.
BUT BEFORE I START, I WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR TONIGHT. I AM JUST HOSTING.
I'M -- NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME. I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE FUN, TAKE
IT EASY, AND, YEAH, JUST GOING TO KEEP IT LOW KEY. WHAT'S THIS?
* I'M GONNA KEEP IT LOW KEY TONIGHT, PROMISE I'M NOT GONNA SING *
* I'M NOT GONNA SING MY FAVORITE NOTES, NOT C, D, B, A, OR G * * I'M NOT GONNA DO MY
IMPRESSIONS, NO BRITNEY SPEARS TODAY, IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I'LL SAY THE SAME THING *
* NO, BABY, BABY, I'M NOT GONNA DO MILEY CYRUS, BECAUSE BABY, THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK, I'M NOT
GONNA DO GWEN STEFANI BECAUSE DON'T THINK * * I PROMISE I'M NOT SINGING ANY
ANY IMPRESSIONS, I WON'T SING BECAUSE IT HURTS * * I'M NOT GONNA WINK AT MY
CAMERA, I PROMISE I WON'T DO A LIFT -- THANK YOU SO MUCH * * AND I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT
WICKED, BECAUSE TONIGHT I DON'T GIVE A -- BOWEN, DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL YOU?
WE CUT THE WICKED SKETCH. >> THAT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ANYWAY.
>> GREAT. AND THIS ISN'T A WAND. IT'S A FLASK
* SO KEEP THE PIANO FAR AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO IS PLAY THE
KEY * * I'M NOT GONNA DO A DUE WET TONIGHT, SO PLEASE DON'T BRING
OUT STEVIE NICKS, AND THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO * * IS BRING OUT SOME HOT DANCERS
TO DO SOME INSANELY HIGH KICKS, I'M ACTUALLY REALLY SHY, NO MORE TRICKS, NO LOCAL FLIPS *
* CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DONE, SO EITHER WAY, THIS MUCH IS CLEAR, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A
DIVA, DON'T LOOK OVER HERE * * BECAUSE TONIGHT, I'M KEEPING IT LOW KEY *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT, STEVIE NICKS IS HERE
>>> YEAH, SO MATTHEW, I'LL FINISH WITH THIS, IT'S A
PRIVILEGE TO BE YOUR BEST MAN, BUT IT'S EVEN MORE OF A PRIVILEGE EDGE TO BE YOUR BEST
FRIEND. I LOVE YOU, BRO. THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE.
>> ALL RIGHT. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEST MAN. BUT WE DID SAY NO BORING
SPEECHES. NO SHADE. ANYWAY, TURNING THE ATTENTION TO
MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER, THE BRIDE, KELSEY. >> SAME MOM, DIFFERENT DAD.
LOVE YOU, GIRL. >> I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE UP HER BRIDESMAIDS.
>> SO INSTEAD OF A SPEECH, WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR Y'ALL BECAUSE WE'RE A LITTLE
BIT CREATIVE AND A LITTLE QUIRKY. >> AND WE KNOW WE'RE NOT MATT'S
FAVORITE BECAUSE EVERY TIME SHE'S WITH US, SHE LOW KEY BLACKS OUT.
>> NO, COME ON. I LOVE Y'ALL. >> SEE.
SHE LOVES HER ESPRESSO MARTINIS. SO WE WROTE A SPECIAL SONG ABOUT OUR BACHELORETTE TRIP.
>> THEY SAY WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS SAYS IN VEGAS. >> BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO VEGAS.
WE WENT TO CHARLESTON. HIT IT * THE BRIDESMAIDS WANTED A
CELEBRATION, SO WE TOOK A TRIP, BACHELORETTE VACATION * * BECAUSE WE KNOW SHE NEEDS ONE,
A BREAK FROM MATTHEW, JUST KIDDING, MATT, WE'RE GLAD SHE HAS YOU *
* WE'RE OUT, THE SHOTS ARE FLOWING, YEAH, GUYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR GROOV GROOVING YEAH *
* NOW SHE'S WITH A HOT GUY, BUT HE LOOKS GAY, SECOND LOCATION, MAYBE HE'S BI *
>>. * FULLY STRAIGHT, FULLY TOUCHING DOMINGO, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE HIS
WIFE, SHE'S POINTING TO DOMINGO * >> QUICK QUESTION, WHO'S
DOMINGO. >> JUST THIS RANDOM GUY WE MET. I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM.
>> I'M POSITIVE YOU DID NOT. * IN THE BATHROOM, WE TAKE HER OUTSIDE.
SHE SAY DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T CROSS THE LINE * * THINK OF YOUR FIANCE, SHE SAYS
GOOD REMINDER, HANDS ME HER RING, THEN WE CAN'T FIND HER * >> YOU TOOK OFF YOUR RING?
IS THIS TRUE? ? I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE IT IN
THE HOT TUB. >> WHAT HOT TUB? * NOW WE'RE BACK IN THE HOUSE IN
THE HOT TUB, SHE'S THERE WITH DOMINGO, ASKED HIM TO LEAVE, GET A HOTEL, SHE'S VIBING WITH
DOMINGO * >> YOU ASKED THEM TO LEAVE AND GET A HOTEL?
>> YOU'RE MISSING IT. * AT THE MARRIOTT, GOOGLING DOMINGO, JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S
NOT PSYCHO, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY A DOCTOR AND RANDOMLY A MODEL * * AND HE VOLUNTEERS WITH WEIRD
SICK ANIMALS, AWW * >> IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG JUST THAT SHE CHEATED ON ME ALL
WEEKEND? >> THE POINT IS IT'S ESPRESSO. >> YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO THE
LYRICS. >> THAT'S ALL I'M LISTENING TO. * THE NEXT DAY, SHE SAID NOTHING
HAPPENED, THEY TALKED ALL NIGHT ABOUT YOU, MATTHEW * * THEN AT BRUNCH, SHE JUST
STARTS CRYING, WE ASK HER WHY, SHE SAYS I'M JUST SO TIRED * * WE SAY TAKE A NAP, SHE SAYS
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF TIRED * >> I NEED ANSWERS NOW ABOUT YOU AND WHOEVER THIS DOMINGO GUY IS,
AND NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT THE RHYME SCHEME HAS GONE COMPLETELY OUT THE WINDOW.
>> I'M SORRY I MET SOMEONE I CONNECTED WITH, BUT DOMINGO IS IN THE PAST.
>> I'M HERE. >> IF THIS IS DOMINGO, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED.
>> CAME ALL THIS WAY, HAD TO EXPLAIN, KELSEY'S A FRIEND, SHE'S LIKE MY SIS, BUT WE DID
HOOK UP THOUGH. >> WHY WOULD YOU GUYS TELL ME THIS THROUGH SONG?
>> I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS.
>>> KATIE, HI. HANNAH'S IN THE SHOWER.
SHE'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. >> THANKS, MR. EVANS.
* RIGHT WHEN I STEP INSIDE, I NOTE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE * * I WALK AROUND AND GET A WHIFF OF THE CINNAMON CANDLES AND THE
PILLOWS AND THE COUCH * * HER OLDER BROTHER USES SPRAY-ON DEODERANT, IF I SMELL
IT 20 YEARS FROM NOW, IT WILL TAKE ME RIGHT BACK TO THIS MOMENT *
* AND HER FATHER REALLY LIKES TO COOK, SO IT ALWAYS SMELLS GOOD, AND HER FAMILY USES CLEANING
STUFF THAT MY FAMILY NEVER WOULD * * OH, I LOVE THE SMELL OF MY
BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE *
* I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I LOVE THAT *
* PLAYING MUSIC ON HER HEADPHONES, IT'S THE BEST I'VE
EVER HEARD, AND HER DAD IS OBSESSED WITH CROSS WORDS, HE'S KIND OF A NERD *
* THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF MOVIES THAT I DON'T HAVE, AND HER PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, SO THEY
HAVE THE BEST SNACKS * * I REALLY LOVE THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY
LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S
HOUSE, I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL --
>> MISS, MISS, YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.
>> WHAT? >> AFTER NEARLY A DECADE, THE SEARCH FOR THE CROSS WORD KILLER
HAS COME TO A CLOSE. POLICE SAY THE OWNER OF THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN IMPLICATED IN THE
DEATHS OF AT LEAST 14 INDIVIDUALS. HUMAN REMAINS HAVE BEEN
DISCOVERED IN NEARLY EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE * I GUESS I MAY HAVE MISSED SOME
PRETTY BIG RED FLAGS WHEN I WAS OVER AT MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * YES, YOU DID *
* BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT THE DEODORANT AND CANDLES WERE ALL ABOUT, AND SURE I NEVER TOOK A
CLOSE LOOK AT THE TAPES OR WONDERED WHY HER DAD WAS BURNING LOGS IN THE FIREPLACE *
* YES THE FRIDGE WAS STUFFED WITH FOOD LIKE I SAID, BUT IT DISTRACTED ME FROM THE FROZEN
HUMAN HEAD * * I SWEAR I NEVER NOTICED ANYTHING ABOUT THE SMELL OF MY
BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * HEY, WHY DID YOU TAKE MY SHAKER, THE SMELL OF MY BEST
FRIEND'S HOUSE, OH, MY GOD, IT WAS FULL OF TEETH * >> THE FURNITURE MADE ME DO IT.
SHE CAN HEAR THEM SINGING TOO. SHE HAS THE DARKNESS TOO.
It is so amazing to have the family together.
And, Josh, can I just say how amazing it's been?
Finally getting to meet my son's incredible boyfriend?
Don't embarrass me, mom.
Diane, that is so sweet.
You guys have all been so nice.
I really feel like a part of the family.
Okay, here's that buffalo chicken dip.
Are we all set for some shrimps?
And just finish the last clue.
All ready to go.
Charades. Have fun.
I didn't know you guys were like a game night kind of family.
I mean, we're not usually mom gets a teensy bit competitive.
Oh, honey, I do not.
Go ahead. Teri, you start us off.
Movie tours.
Star wars?
Yes. Okay.
Actor, actor
Robert De Niro.
Okay, okay.
Quick movie.
My neighbor took a long time.
Oh, you told me you were on fire.
Heck, yeah.
In your face, Diane.
Oh, well, that wasn't necessary.
I was just teasing, like in your face. Go.
You got a tiny pecker or something?
Scuse me.
Well, you must be compensated for something.
You poor, sick loser.
Easy, babe.
Dan, I am so sorry.
I did not mean to offend you.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, Josh, and you didn't.
It was just a joke. It's just a game.
All right, well, let's go to the next round.
I'll go first. Everybody ready? Yes.
You good? Yes, I'm totally good.
Josh, I was just teasing. Okay. Phew.
Well, you're going down this next round, girlfriend.
Point two. Shoot!
I'll shoot you point blank in the head.
Oh my God!
Stinky! Poor loser.
Threatening a woman.
I wasn't trying to threaten you.
Oh, you couldn't if you tried.
Not with that rinky dink pinky you got between your legs.
It is not rinky dink.
I've googled what the average is. I'm.
I'm sorry.
Josh, like I said, mom gets a teensy bit competitive.
She said she'd shoot me.
All right, all right, it's my turn.
Everyone. Let's, let's focus up and.
Okay, here we go. Movie.
Two words.
Second word.
Length. Foot. Mile.
Okay, okay.
Got my first word.
Now first word. Oh.
Pathetic. Fat.
Bad. Evil. No nuts.
Oh, poor ugly short guy.
Pathetic little gay guy.
Chill out.
Mom, I'm gay too. Oh, honey, I didn't mean it like that.
I meant gay as in stupid and bad.
And what is your problem?
I don't have a problem.
I've got love
and a family.
What have you got?
A toe chode?
Enough about my son.
You want me to show you?
Because I'll just show you right here, right now.
Hey, hey! Don't you dare show my wife your pecker.
How about I beat your ass here right now?
Josh, what are you doing?
What does it look like? Kevin I'm about to fight your mom.
Well, in this house, we play by street rules, bitch.
Ow ow ow ow! You did. Not.
You don't know.
Oh, my God, what is he doing to our mother?
Josh, you really hurt her.
This is like a desert.
Ow ow ow!
Ow! I'm so sorry.
I guess I got a little carried away.
Well, well, well,
you did it.
What's going on?
Finally, one of my son's boyfriends stood up to me.
I need my son to have a man like you who will protect him.
Because my son is so, so weak.
And I don't have any respect for him.
Ma! Come on. Wow.
You really are incredible, Diane.
I'm sorry things got so heated.
Hey, hey. It's okay.
Mom, what are you doing?
>>> FOOTBALL. IT IS A SPORT THAT CONNECTS WHO
WE ARE TO WHO WE WERE, PROVING OUR MOST POURERFUL MEMORIES CAN STAY WITH US FOREVER.
THAT IS WHY LAST WEEK, I, CELINE DION MADE A PROMO FOR SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, OKAY?
BUT FOOTBALL ISN'T THE ONLY SPORT THAT CONNECTS US TO OUR PAST.
THERE IS ANOTHER SPORT. UFC FIGHTING. SHALL WE GO FIGHT!
* IT'S ALL COMING BACK, ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW, THERE WAS BREAKING OF BONES AND THERE WERE
KNEES TO THE BALLS * THE MEMORIES, NO. THAT WOMAN IN A SPORTS BRA WITH
THE TIGHTEST FRENCH BRAIDS AND THE FLATTEST FACE. AN ANGRY MAN WITH A SIDEWAYS
NOSE. THE HUSH OF THE CROWD AS A 300-POUND BOSNIAN VOMITS UP HIS
OWN TEETH. THIS IS THE UFC * WHEN I HIT YOU LIKE THIS AND
YOU CHOKE ME LIKE THAT, WHEN YOU ELBOW ME, IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME *
AND ALL COMMENTATORS ALL BALD AND IN THE SHINIEST OF SHIRTS * IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME *
IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME, BUT MAYBE NOT THEM BECAUSE OF THE CONCUSSIONS.
THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF THE UFC, THE TENSION, THE SKILL * I CAN BARELY RECALL, BUT IT'S
ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW * I AM CELINE DION FOR THE UFC 308.
SEE YOU IN THE OCTAGON.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVIE NICKS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * I HAVE MY SCARS
YOU HAVE YOURS * * DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOUR POWER
DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE * * IN THE FINAL HOURS THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER * * DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HOPE FOR THE BEST
THE DARK IS OUT THERE THE LIGHT IS GOING FAST * * UNTIL THE FINAL HOURS
YOUR LIFE'S FOREVER CHANGED * * AND ALL THE RIGHTS
THAT YOU HAD YESTERDAY ARE TAKEN AWAY * * AND NOW YOU'RE AFRAID
YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID SHOULD BE AFRAID * * BECAUSE EVERYTHING
I FOUGHT FOR LONG AGO IN A DREAM IS GONE * * SOMEONE SAID
THE DREAM IS NOT OVER THE DREAM HAS JUST BEGUN OR IS IT A NIGHTMARE *
* IS IT A LASTING SCAR IT IS UNLESS YOU SAVE IT * * AND THAT'S THAT
UNLESS YOU STAND UP AND TAKE IT BACK AND TAKE IT BACK *
* I HAVE MY SCARS YOU HAVE YOURS * * DON'T LET THEM
TAKE YOUR POWER DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE * * IN THE FINAL HOURS
THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER * * UNLESS YOU STAND UP
AND TAKE IT BACK TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE AND GET MAD *
* IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU DON'T HAVE
WHAT YOU HAD * * YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO GET IT BACK
I WANNA BE THE LIGHTHOUSE BRING ALL OF YOU TOGETHER * * BRING IT OUT IN A SONG
BRING IT OUT IN STORMY WEATHER TELL THEM THE STORY *
* I WANNA TEACH 'EM TO FIGHT I WANNA TELL 'EM THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE
DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN * * I HAVE MY SCARS YOU HAVE YOURS *
* DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOUR POWER DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE *
* IN THE FINAL HOURS THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER *
* UNLESS YOU SAVE IT AND THAT'S THAT UNLESS YOU STAND UP
AND TAKE IT BACK * * TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE AND GET MAD *
* IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU DON'T HAVE
WHAT YOU HAD * * YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME YOU GOTTA GET IN THE GAME
YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO PLAY * * YOU GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE
YOU GOTTA DO IT TODAY * * IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR THEY'LL SLAM THE DOOR
MAKE YOU FORGET WHAT YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR * * PUT YOU BACK IN YOUR PLACE
THEY'LL SHUT YOU DOWN YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO FIGHT *
* YOU BETTER SAY IT OUT LOUD * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
It's Weekend Update.
With Colin.
Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you.
Good evening everyone.
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost.
Donald Trump held
a rally today at the site of the Coachella music Festival.
Because just like Trump,
Coachella brings out the worst in white people.
And maybe it was the 100 degree heat,
but it also brought out the weirdest in Trump.
And San Francisco.
What the hell is happening to our cities?
Look, it's Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln, stand up.
What he just told Abraham Lincoln.
Given your recent history at rallies, do you really want
both of you and Abraham Lincoln to stand up?
It was also reported that
during the first three months of her campaign,
Kamala Harris raised over $1 billion, which I hope.
Which I hope is finally
enough money for her to stop texting me.
A new poll showed that 47% of voters see Kamala
Harris representing change better than Donald Trump.
How about now?
Said Trump with bangs.
Next week, Donald Trump will participate
in a Fox News town hall before an all female audience.
Well, good luck trying to talk over all those rape whistles.
Donald Trump confirmed that
he would not agree to a second debate with Kamala Harris.
Which is fine with me.
If I wanted to watch an old man yell at a Jamaican lady,
I'd visit my grandpa at the nursing home.
An interview of The New York Times J.D.
Vance was repeatedly asked
if Donald Trump lost the 2020 election.
Let's see how he handled it.
I'm going to ask you again, did Donald Trump lose the 2020?
Answered the question with another question.
Then Vance offered to move the interview under a bridge
so he could answer in the form of a riddle.
You can't answer questions with questions.
If a cop asks, have you been drinking?
You can't ask him.
Have you been drinking off super.
A new poll shows
that since 2016, support by black voters for Democratic
candidates has dropped from 92% to 78%.
Oh, don't make this our fault.
78% is still a lot.
For context,
78% black people is enough
to make white liberals leave the county.
Be great for the only other people to get 78% of the black
vote was the North and Kendrick Lamar.
Also, if it wasn't for black voters,
y'all wouldn't even be a party anymore.
You'd be the Democratic small get together.
Experts have noted that Donald Trump
has struggled to present a softened stance on abortion.
In fact, this is the best he's come up with.
Oh, man.
Okay, okay.
I think we're.
Really finding the line.
Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized
Kamala Harris and said that
because Kamala doesn't have children,
she doesn't have anything keeping her humble.
Yeah, because Trump having five kids has kept him so humble.
Harris responded by saying that it's tough to be a stepmom,
which is true because you have to be a parent
and turn them against their real mom.
A new report shows that inflation
has dropped to its lowest level in almost four years.
Man, this was Joe Biden was still around to see this.
Oh, he is so.
I didn't know, I didn't know.
Both the Mets and Yankees have advanced to the league
championship round, setting up a potential Subway Series.
Oh, that guy.
That would be so awesome.
It would be the only thing
anyone in New York City would care about, right?
Said Mayor Adams.
According to internal documents from TikTok, the app's
algorithm demoted people it deemed not attractive enough.
You know, like Colin does with interns.
Don't whistle.
Fans of the peanuts comic strip were upset
after a fan account endorsed Donald Trump.
Even worse, they claim that Franklin was trying to eat
Snoopy.
This week, Amazon celebrated its 48 hours
sale of Prime Day with a record number of orders.
Here karma is Monica, a happy Amazon employee?
Good morning.
Good morning everybody. Good morning. Good morning.
How are. You doing.
Good morning Monica.
It's midnight and you seem to have a lot of energy.
I got to these packages. Didn't go deliver themselves.
Hey. Hey, man.
Hey, can you just stop that for a second?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure.
Okay. Yeah. Happy to love to. Yeah. What's up?
So Prime Day is Amazon's biggest sale event.
How was it this year? Oh, it was amazing.
Prime day sort of like Hanukkah
in that they said it would last one day.
But I worked eight straight days for eight days.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, I worked so much,
I had to make up a whole new day of the week.
Blues day. Yeah.
That's when you close your eyes on Friday.
Wake up behind the wheel on Tuesday.
Yeah, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
I got a good job.
Well, see, I spent a lot of time work.
And do you at least like your coworkers?
Oh, yeah, I love them.
I love I love the people, the drones.
Oh my God, oh my God, the drones are so sweet.
I actually hooked up with a drone.
It's like I always say, can't get a nest
if he's got a USP.
I think about it.
Think about it.
Do you have any work life balance?
Oh, yeah. Okay. Michael got two once a week.
I bought an Amazon package to my own address,
just so I can drive by my house and wait on my kids.
Legal package, doing live TV.
Oh, my God, Michael, I know how to carry myself.
I've been on TV before and have.
Oh, yeah. Oh, bunch of times.
You might recognize me from my viral brain cam video.
Amazon worker kicks a little white dog into the sun.
Monica I swear to God that was me.
What a goal.
I've been on so many brain cameras.
I'm getting residuals from ridiculousness.
Oh well, that's good, I guess.
I mean, does Amazon offer you benefits?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Got to.
Yeah, they gave me this vest.
That's. What do you mean that's it?
Michael. All the most important jobs.
Get a vest, crossing guards, service dogs, lesbians.
Lady, this is not a job.
Well, then why they do it?
You know, I never thought of anybody.
I'm having trouble understanding.
Why are you so happy working at Amazon?
Monica?
Monica, are you sleep with your eyes.
Oh, grandma.
Where am I? What day is it from? Today it's blue day.
Oh my God.
Oh. I'm sorry.
It's just so disoriented to wake up and not be driving.
Monica, I'm starting to think
Amazon is overworking you and th
Oh, you really think so, J yeah.
So you're going to stop ordering from Amazon.
How do you Amazon
employee everybody.
LeBron James and his son Bronny made history when they became
the first ever father son duo to play an NBA game together.
But there was some confusion when LeBron called a timeout
and his son went and stood in the corner.
Officials are urging New York's governor
to send 100 state troopers
to Queens to shut down the numerous brothels
on Roosevelt Avenue,
which begs the question what's the cross Street?
A YouTube
star totaled his $200,000 McLaren after he live
streamed himself texting while driving in the rain.
Even more tragic, he survived.
Scientists have released a detailed map of a fruit
flies brain, and it's actually very different
from a straight fly's brain.
Okay, you know what?
I can't.
It's the 90s. Called. No. What?
The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded
to a group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors
who are trying to free the world of nuclear weapons.
The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise
of their lives.
The Supreme Court declined to hear R Kelly's
appeal of the decision in his sex crimes case.
Or, as I like to call it, it's the remix to conviction.
All right, let's go into a prison.
That's pretty good.
It's the 90s.
According to a new study, South Burlington,
Vermont is the safest city in the country.
While the least safe city is.
Did he freak off Nebraska?
Tickets for the North
American leg of the long awaited Oasis reunion tour on sale.
Which is surprising to some as the band
has seemingly been feuding for decades.
Here to comment are brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher.
Oh my la la la la la la.
Thanks for being here.
Now everyone's wondering,
are you guys going to be cool to tour a year from now?
I'm cool. Thank you.
I'm cool, I'm cool.
I'm cooler than you are. Stop it!
Great.
So that's a no.
It's not a hard no to my b b side.
Maybe if Liam doesn't act like a baby, I'm not.
By then, you're like, you're a baby.
Oh, he stuck his tongue at me.
You see that tongue out of me?
He's been naughty.
He's been naughty. Cool.
You guys, you're fighting.
You're 50 years old.
You're fighting like a couple of little kids, okay?
There must be something that you both agree on.
I guessed a few things. Yeah.
SpongeBob legend.
It was the best Ninja turtle, Donatello.
Legend. And it was the best.
One. Two. Three.
Tommy Pickles and Legend.
So you.
You guys only agree on cartoons?
Yeah, it's brother stuff, right?
It's proper brother stuff.
You know how it is working with your brother.
You know what it's like hosting Weekend Update
with your biological twin brother?
Twins.
You. You think me and che are twins.
Well, maybe. Yeah.
Mom had black and white baby. Hi.
Oh my God.
I don't even understand why you guys
are so mad at each other.
Where did this feud, where did the feud actually start?
Oh, Wembley Stadium, 1994.
Yeah, we was weird.
Posh spice, scary spice, stinky spice.
We were told that we won't eat a cookie.
No, no, no, you sent me.
No. Bend it like Beckham Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah.
How about Dubai 1995?
Me, Steve Coogan. Dumbledore.
You said that if I pinch me
wiener and strain really hard, I could pee out me bum
To two two.
Okay.
Guys, listen, I,
I really need your tour to work out, okay?
Because I already bought tickets
and I'm about to mosh out so hard.
Then I win White boy of the year award.
Okay,
so let's get.
Back on common ground.
There must be things you agree on besides cartoon.
All right, you favorite sex in the city, boyfriend Steve.
Legend
least favorite sex in the city, boyfriend Steve.
Boyfriend is a Mr. Big
Legend Will Smith films. Are you?
You know, John Legend
Oasis everyone.
On for a weekend update.
I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael Che, we're twins.
Good night. Yeah.
Okay, I want to say I welcome you to the Palazzo.
Now, everybody got
to be a little quiet, though, because at the Prince,
you have a little something you want to say.
Okay, grab my tail. I'll pray. Thank
you. All I know is that a
renaissance, and I love the music,
but if there was anything
that could make music even more special,
I would have love it even more. Yes. Yeah.
And that is why I invited the people who come up
with the ideas for how to make it.
The music station.
See Prince and Games.
I come with the loot, but I got a free neck.
So you can have really a trade back.
Oh, okay.
Not so bad. Not so good.
After, Prince Enzo, if we could just jump in here.
Enzo, we would love for you to meet our son, Antonio.
Yeah, yeah.
We think you're really gonna love our son Antonio.
He's a. Very special.
Yeah, yeah. Antonio, come on out.
What do you has to say to me?
Antonio?
Oh, is she a little shy?
Antonio. Here.
My show. More comfortable singing. Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead and sing for Prince. Enzo.
Anthony, you're going to love this song.
How incredible is that?
That.
Wow. That is a very, very beautiful singing.
And did you notice how high his voice was?
I did, yes, yes, I was the only thing I know to sing.
Well, what if I told you that any boy could sing like it is?
All we had to do was have him castrated.
I sorry, what was that?
Antonio is what we're calling a castrato.
It's a technique we've been, experimented with.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does nothing crazy.
You just, castrate your son. But for you.
But it is always voice. I never drop
With explaining this again.
Okay, well, you know how you like a boy to sing.
Go. Right?
But then you go through the puberty and his voice.
Dropping down and so. And.
Oh, for a castrato, that never going to happen.
Show him. Anthony. Yeah.
No no no no no no.
He mean show them with the song.
Oh I mean Garba
and that that is like
that is like a an angel.
Hey, we are so proud of you.
Anthony are so proud. Anthony. No.
And
You like that? You did this to him?
Oh, you mean the castration?
Yes. I think you know, he. I mean the case.
The castration
To be perfectly honest, I don't know if.
And don't you even notice the castration?
Did you notice the castration? Antonio?
Antonio
The castration, was it, fine or not?
So fine.
No fun?
Not so fine.
You know, I think you just don't like at
the thought you prefer to see.
No, I think he is fair enough for that.
I. Because you you cut that.
He's nuts off
Oh, no no no no, it's not.
Like that at all.
No, we're not the monster.
We never cut off a nothing.
Oh, well, that's so good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we never cut.
We just twist.
we twist
I hey, sorry, I, twist, I see, you see,
we we just, I take it a boy
when he eight or a nine year old and we put him into a coma.
Opium induced coma
when, comes, are the Joe.
Well, opium induced coma.
I see you see that I
we take a little gonad and we just type it.
and we twist
we twist
twist
twist and that we stammer until the little gonad
that it basically that pop right off easy.
Then it'll go on I give up.
I want to be on that no more.
And then two week later, Antonio wake up.
And he got a beautiful, high pitched singing voice forever.
Right, Antonio? Yep.
Can I ask,
what do you do with the gonad out after the pop off
Oh, we put it in the icebox in case we ever want to reverse
an operation. You did?
But the the dog,
he learned that how to open up the icebox,
And, he make a big meal out of the gonad, and and.
Now the dog, he bark like this.
You and I have a question.
There's a will. Yes. Kenan.
Does.
Anthony. All right. The the music also.
He does, he does.
Antonio,
you want to share the original song
you wrote about the golden experience?
That's all right.
Come on,
come on, baby. Please.
twist and shout
Come on, baby.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, STEVIE NICKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO-WHOO-WHOO
JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG *
* SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO-WHOO-WHOO * * AND THE DAYS GO BY
LIKE A STRAND IN THE WIND IN THE WEB THAT IS MY OWN * * I BEGIN AGAIN
SAID TO MY FRIEND YOU KNOW NOTHIN' ELSE MATTERED *
* HE WAS NO MORE HE WAS NO MORE THAN A BABY THEN *
* WELL WELL HE SEEMED BROKENHEARTED IT WAS SOMETHIN'
WITHIN HIM * * BUT THE MOMENT THAT I FIRST LAID
EYES ON HIM * * ALL ALONE SOMEWHERE JUST OUT ON THE EDGE OF
SEVENTEEN * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO-WHOO-WHOO
JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG *
* SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO-WHOO-WHOO * * WELL THEN SUDDENLY
THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT STANDING IN THE HALL *
* WELL WELL IN A FLOOD OF TEARS THAT NO ONE REALLY
EVER HEARD FALL * * WHEN I WENT SEARCHIN' FOR AN ANSWER
UP THE STAIRS AND DOWN THE HALL * * I DID NOT FIND AN ANSWER
JUST TO HEAR THE CALL OF A NIGHTBIRD SINGIN' * * COME AWAY SOMEHOW
COME AWAY COME AWAY * * JUST LIKE THE
WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' *
* WHOO BABY WHOO SAID WHOO JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG * * SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO BABY WHOO
SAID WHOO * * WELL I HEAR YOU WELL I HEAR YOU
IN THE MORNING IN THE MORNING * * AND I HEAR YOU
AND I HEAR YOU AT NIGHTFALL AT NIGHTFALL *
* SOMETIME TO BE NEAR YOU IS TO BE UNABLE TO HEAR YOU
MY LOVE * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO BABY WHOO
SAID WHOO * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE
SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' IT TO YOU *
* WHOO BABY WHOO SAID WHOO I HEAR THE CALL
OF A NIGHTBIRD * ** * I STILL HEAR THE CALL OF A
NIGHT BIRD * ** **
* I KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Jennifer Coolidge for Maybelline.
Oh, gosh. Kai.
Maybelline.
New super
stay long where liquid lip color goes on like a dream.
I better look in the mirror
and make sure I didn't miss any fun.
Wow, you look really rich.
Really?
Me? I do.
Heck yeah.
Thanks to Maybelline's Longwear liquid lip color.
Thanks.
I've got a big date tonight, and I'm counting on Maybelline
Liquid Lip Lum lip to seal the deal.
Should we put on some more?
Absolutely.
Whoa.
What are we going to talk about on our date?
I don't know.
What's a good conversation starter?
Lemon?
Heck, yes.
What topics should we avoid?
Fish.
The banter.
The animal.
There's an animal called fish.
Yeah.
What will we say if our data source.
If we could have any superpower?
Crab walk.
That.
Give me one.
You can meet anyone, living or dead.
Who would it be?
Living.
Wow. You can't help.
It sound smart when you're wearing Maybelline.
Let's say the name together. Yeah.
Maybelline color.
Wear. Maybelline.
Never.
Maybelline. Hey,
I think the smears smudge.
Hang on.
Let's see if this helps.
Oh, Yeah.
More, a little more.
Oh. It's so.
Oh, it's so definite.
Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh.
Oh, better.
Yeah.
How to wipe it down.
Hey, I wonder what our lips look like from the side.
Let me fold out this.
Part of the mirror.
Yeah. Wow.
Thank God you opened the mirror.
I've been trapped in here for years.
No. It's okay.
Look. Great.
I'm Jennifer Coolidge.
Oh, hey, maybe we need more longwear.
Liquid lip color, long lasting mouth magic.
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh.
Oh. Okay.
Oh, my
God, I'm so.
There you go.
Thank you. Yeah. Thank you.
So, are we going to kiss this guy tonight?
I hope so.
Hey, you need a little bit more?
I got a really chill amount.
All right, girls, it's about time.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
Oh. Oh.
Thanks to Maybelline lip lasting long lip color.
Ultimate lumbar gloss color.
Liquid lip color. Wow.
Make it a Tom Collins, would you?
And don't be stingy with the cotton varnish.
Well, then.
Well, aren't you a hamburger?
Cheese?
You from out of town, slugger?
Gosh, I sure am all by myself in the big city.
This place is crazy.
You sure?
I said a mouthful, Buster.
This town is greener
than a couple of waltzer mice can get off a lonely tomb.
Don't I know it?
But my wife is all the way in Wichita.
Wichita?
So you're just a lonely flapjack without anybody.
I think you should take me upstairs
and we can all let it out. What do you say?
Well, golly gee, I'd love to do that, but
I'm afraid we're not going upstairs.
You're going downtown?
Oh. That's right. Tuts.
I'm the hotel detective in this joint.
Pays me to keep dames like you off the premises.
So let's go.
Come on.
Boy, how do you like my rotten luck of all the stinking hotels
of the hotel detective?
I got to walk into the one where
Sam Stanley is a hotel detective.
Wait, how'd you know?
How did I know that your name is Sam Stanley.
Sam. Stanley?
Well, that's because what
you put on your application form to become a hotel detective.
An application form that was denied.
That's right.
Because I'm the
Bureau of Hotel Management and the Division of Detectives.
I'm taking you in for a hotel, detective.
Without a license or.
A blast at all.
Barkeep, put those drinks on my tab.
Up on my tab. Pass. You don't catch my drift.
Well, I love to put those drinks on your tab, but
I'm afraid that won't be happening.
No. Oh, yes.
You see, I'm from the Bureau of Hotel Detectives.
Management division detectives, internal affairs.
And you are guilty of misusing your expense account?
Well, you can't do this to me.
I'll be ruined someday. Finito. Kaput.
You see, I'll be living in the birdcage.
Tell it to the judge, lady.
How about I tell it to you upstairs?
I'm listening.
I'm afraid neither of you is goi
That's just like fun.
That's no good.
No, but this one is.
That's right.
My name is not Sam Stanley.
It's stamp Stanley.
The Bureau of Hotel Management detectives, internal affairs
oversight chief.
The same. Yes.
We long suspected the expense account to the Bureau of Hotel
Detective's management division were being misused
in a sexual favors for clemency arrangement
with the Bureau of Hotel Detectives, management Division.
Detectives, internal affairs. And this proves it.
Come on.
We're all going downtown.
Submitted for.
Your consideration.
A nightmare world
of concentric spheres of hotel detective bureaucracy.
Also, this is purgatory, and they're all dead.
Did we sell that?
Doesn't really feel like
this.
Would have not flown any time before season five.
But what do you expect from the 604th episode of
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEVIE NICKS!
HAPPY 99th BIRTHDAY, MY NONA. I LOVE YOU. MUAH!
**