1 00:00:06,639 --> 00:00:07,273 Good evening. 2 00:00:07,307 --> 00:00:10,577 I'm Kaitlin Collins. 3 00:00:10,610 --> 00:00:13,613 Despite repeated offers from the Harris campaign, 4 00:00:13,646 --> 00:00:15,482 Donald Trump has officially refused 5 00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:18,785 to appear in another debate, saying, quote, it's not because 6 00:00:18,818 --> 00:00:21,855 I'm scared, so don't tell people I'm scared. 7 00:00:21,888 --> 00:00:24,557 However, there was one format in which President Trump 8 00:00:24,591 --> 00:00:26,926 was willing to face off against Harris. 9 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,629 We take you live to that now. 10 00:00:29,662 --> 00:00:33,266 It's time for. 11 00:00:33,299 --> 00:00:37,370 Here's your host, Steve Harvey. 12 00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,906 Okay. Okay. Now. 13 00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,174 All right. 14 00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:44,411 Welcome to Family Feud election edition. 15 00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:46,946 I am Steve Harvey, and I have spent the past 16 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,115 20 years hosting every show on 17 00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:53,119 TV as my alibi for them dinner parties. 18 00:00:53,153 --> 00:00:56,690 Now, tonight, we got two political rivals on this side. 19 00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,360 It's the Democrats led by Vice President Kamala Harris. 20 00:01:05,098 --> 00:01:07,200 It's wonderful to be here, Steve. 21 00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:10,136 I love to see a man getting paid millions of dollars 22 00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,806 at his black job. 23 00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:15,842 When I like to say a black thank you. 24 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,410 You have been out there this week. 25 00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:20,246 I saw you on Univision and Stephen Colbert. 26 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,215 Yeah. Steve, it's been a hell of a week. 27 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:26,286 I went on Howard Stern to reach the horny cab drivers. 28 00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:28,922 I went on The View for the horny moms. 29 00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:32,325 And I also went on the podcast called Call Her Daddy because, 30 00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,426 I have a message. 31 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:36,096 I have a message for young women. Okay. 32 00:01:36,129 --> 00:01:39,332 You need to go to the ballot box if you want 33 00:01:39,366 --> 00:01:43,103 the government out to ballot box. 34 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,871 Okay, okay, okay. 35 00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,840 I see what you did there. I see what you did there. 36 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:48,108 Yeah, yeah. And it's working. 37 00:01:48,141 --> 00:01:51,111 My campaign has raised $1 billion. 38 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:52,979 Come, Lord. 39 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:57,150 How are you not winning by a landslide? 40 00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,886 No, no, that's a. 41 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:00,720 That's a question. 42 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:03,957 I scream into my pillow every morning. 43 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:04,457 Okay. 44 00:02:05,592 --> 00:02:07,227 Next on Team Harris is the second gentleman himself, Mr. 45 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:08,395 Doug Emhoff. 46 00:02:08,428 --> 00:02:12,365 Yes. Hello. Oh, 47 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:14,567 tis I, Doug, 48 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:18,338 aka Doug the Shrug, aka if Mr. 49 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:22,075 Belding from saved by the Bell had sex with a menorah. 50 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:24,878 And, are you doing any media this week? 51 00:02:24,911 --> 00:02:26,980 I was not asked. 52 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:27,814 All right. Mr.. 53 00:02:27,847 --> 00:02:30,917 Doug, is Minnesota governor Tim Walz. 54 00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:33,420 Great to be on the feud. 55 00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:39,092 I am such a huge fan of your stand up, Cedric. 56 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,627 Tim. Tim. 57 00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:42,996 When black comedians talk about white people, 58 00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,397 they talk about you. 59 00:02:44,431 --> 00:02:47,000 I do like that. Yeah. You do. 60 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,635 And finally, on the Democrat side, 61 00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:52,439 is President Joe Biden passing? 62 00:02:52,472 --> 00:02:54,307 Oh, yes. 63 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:57,210 Thank you. Regis. 64 00:02:57,243 --> 00:02:59,412 Great to be on the crude family feud. 65 00:02:59,446 --> 00:03:01,614 So down 66 00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:02,349 anyway. 67 00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:03,316 And guess what. 68 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,919 And by the way, the show's great. 69 00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:08,088 I'm being serious right now. 70 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,824 Oh, well, thank you very much. 71 00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,459 I gotta say, you looking pretty good. 72 00:03:12,492 --> 00:03:14,394 Yeah, because I'm getting my rest. 73 00:03:14,427 --> 00:03:16,596 Number one, I sleep when I can. 74 00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:20,200 Number two, I'm gonna sleep right now. 75 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,836 All right, then, let's meet the Republicans 76 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,970 on the top of the ticket. 77 00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:27,907 We got a man who is evicted me from my apartment in 1982. 78 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,876 President Donald Trump. 79 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:31,745 Yes. Thank you. Steve. 80 00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:36,916 It's great to be here on feud going up against Kamala. 81 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,718 Now, Donald, I gotta say, 82 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:42,555 I respect you because we both wear long ties. 83 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:45,759 Yeah. Neck to nuts. 84 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:48,695 And then move over to President Trump's lovely wife, Melania. 85 00:03:49,362 --> 00:03:49,829 Okay. 86 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,264 Here. 87 00:03:51,297 --> 00:03:52,599 It's so strange. 88 00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,167 I could have sworn she was standing right 89 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,703 beside me about two years ago, 90 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:57,604 but, in a 91 00:03:58,738 --> 00:04:00,607 place I've brought a beloved member of the Trump family. 92 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,910 And also Don Jr. 93 00:04:03,943 --> 00:04:04,811 Hilarious. 94 00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,346 Dad. 95 00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:11,051 Hey, how about me and JD here, We could be twins. 96 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:15,422 It's almost like my dad picked me to be his vice president. 97 00:04:15,455 --> 00:04:19,426 But he didn't. 98 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:20,860 He didn't. 99 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,363 And, Steve, can I just say, it's so refreshing to be on a show 100 00:04:23,396 --> 00:04:24,831 that celebrates families. 101 00:04:24,864 --> 00:04:27,801 I'm like the Democrats who turned our hero, the Joker, 102 00:04:27,834 --> 00:04:31,604 into a gay guy who's obsessed with Lady Gaga. 103 00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:33,173 Okay, give me Kamala. 104 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:33,807 Give me Trump. 105 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,811 They played a few. 106 00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:40,080 Back. 107 00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,948 I'm telling you, Steve, she's going to be horrible 108 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:44,651 at this game. She's a very low IQ person. 109 00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,519 The whole world is laughing at her 110 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,356 because they don't respect her like they respected me. 111 00:04:49,389 --> 00:04:50,156 Well, okay. 112 00:04:51,324 --> 00:04:53,426 See, the fact is, Donald Trump likes dictators, all right. 113 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,796 Because anyone can manipulate him simply through flattery. 114 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:57,931 That's simply not true. 115 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,799 It's not true. Okay. 116 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,067 You look handsome tonight. 117 00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:03,036 I love her, isn't she great? 118 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,537 She's got my. Vote. 119 00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,206 All right, let's play the game. 120 00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,640 Okay. One other people survey. 121 00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:09,075 Top six answers on the board. 122 00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,811 Name something that you keep in your glove compartment. 123 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:15,915 Oh, VP Harris. Steve, look. 124 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:18,118 I was raised in a middle class family. 125 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,886 All right. Oh, here we go. Okay. 126 00:05:19,919 --> 00:05:22,355 My mother raised my sister. Me. 127 00:05:22,389 --> 00:05:23,189 All right. 128 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,592 She worked hard and saved up. 129 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:26,459 Yeah. 130 00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,094 And we had a second mother, too. 131 00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:28,962 Okay. 132 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:31,564 Did that mother have a glove compartment? 133 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,867 A small business owner named Miss Shelton. 134 00:05:33,900 --> 00:05:36,469 Okay, we got that. Something that you keep in. 135 00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:37,704 Glove Compartment 136 00:05:37,737 --> 00:05:40,173 Oh, a Glock safe, a big old glock 137 00:05:40,206 --> 00:05:43,410 Oh oh. 138 00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:44,611 Oh, snap. 139 00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:47,247 Okay, so you. Strapped like that? All right. 140 00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:51,084 Show me the bleep bleep bleep. 141 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,520 Ow! Number two answer the. 142 00:05:53,553 --> 00:05:55,088 Democrats with controlling the board. 143 00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:56,623 Let's go. Yeah. 144 00:05:56,656 --> 00:06:00,026 All right Doug Emhoff 145 00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:02,662 made something that you keep in your glove compartment. 146 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:03,830 Oh wow. 147 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,265 I mean I can't top that. 148 00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:07,534 It was so perfect. 149 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:11,871 I'll go with the same answer, Steve a glock. Oh, 150 00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,707 you want to give the same answer? 151 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:15,208 Oh, it seemed like a bad strategy. 152 00:06:15,241 --> 00:06:19,245 But sell me another blanket. 153 00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:22,315 Oh, oh, oh, 154 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,317 that kind of second one. 155 00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:26,086 That's the number one answer. 156 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:28,755 Damn, America. Oh. All right. 157 00:06:28,788 --> 00:06:30,490 Let's go over to Tim Walsh. Okay. 158 00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,058 Something that you keep in a glove compartment. 159 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,960 This is right in my wheelhouse. 160 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,095 In my glove box. 161 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:39,899 I got hot hands, napkins from runs, and got to have Tums 162 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,636 in case I eat something spicy, like tomato. 163 00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:44,904 If you say so. 164 00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,306 Show me some white. 165 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,842 Nice. It's. 166 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,543 Oh, sorry. 167 00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:51,344 It's not up there. 168 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:53,079 Let's go over to President Joe Biden. 169 00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,581 Something that you're keeping your glove box. 170 00:06:54,614 --> 00:06:57,083 I like to buy a vowel. 171 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:00,420 Well, that is that's that's the wrong game player. 172 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:04,024 Come on, Conan. 173 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,025 What are you doing? 174 00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:07,427 It's me. I'm still the president. I'm Joe. 175 00:07:07,460 --> 00:07:11,531 I may be older, but beat the hell out of you a pop. You. 176 00:07:11,564 --> 00:07:13,500 I'll give you an uncle sandwich. You know how to do it. 177 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,801 I can make sandwiches. 178 00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,870 And guess what? Here's a deal. 179 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:17,904 I'm not the old one. 180 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:20,206 Now, Trump is the only difference. 181 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:24,944 I know how to walk away about six months too late. 182 00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,479 Okay, show me. 183 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:29,349 Whatever that was. 184 00:07:29,382 --> 00:07:31,317 Oh, man, that was the answer. 185 00:07:31,351 --> 00:07:31,918 So bad. 186 00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,053 They gave you a double X. 187 00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,154 All right, 188 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,356 Republicans, you got a chance to steal something major. 189 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,824 Keeping your guards glove box. 190 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,059 I've been told not to speak. 191 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,061 Same here. 192 00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,896 All right, President Trump, what you got? 193 00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:46,066 Well, Steve, I've never ridden in front seat of cars. 194 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,768 So this question is very unfair. 195 00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,805 So to answer this I'm going to do one of my signature weaves. 196 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:52,072 Right. 197 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:53,940 It's called the weave where I say 198 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,109 lots of different things, but it all comes together 199 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,845 so beautifully like an episode of Seinfeld. 200 00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:02,649 Seinfeld, you know, Jerry was always wearing mom jeans, 201 00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:03,750 not bad jeans. 202 00:08:03,783 --> 00:08:06,086 Just like the immigrants who are ruining this country. 203 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,588 They're eating the pants, they're eating Lou. 204 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:09,189 Dang. 205 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,392 But it's also we are giving our asses. 206 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,461 I mean, you look at Korea, you look at Japan, America, 207 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,029 not even there's no room. 208 00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:17,397 So it's like glove compartment, right? 209 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:20,033 There's no room. You see what? I did this thing. 210 00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:20,667 Oh, yeah. 211 00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:22,435 I know exactly what you did. 212 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:25,472 Show me dementia. 213 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,675 Democrats win! 214 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:41,321 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 215 00:10:42,008 --> 00:10:50,016 MUSICAL GUEST -- STEVIE NICKS. AND YOUR HOST, ARIANA GRANDE. 216 00:10:53,186 --> 00:11:06,533 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARIANA GRANDE! 217 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:22,982 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 218 00:11:22,982 --> 00:11:27,320 THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK HOSTING SNL. 219 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:29,723 THIS YEAR HAS BEEN TRULY AMAZING. I GOT TO PLAY IN THE WICKED 220 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:36,196 MOVIE. WHICH IS AWESOME. BECAUSE YOU KNOW, I'M SUCH A 221 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:44,104 THEATER KID, AND IT'S EVERY KID'S DREAM TO EITHER PLAY THAT. IT'S EVERY THEATER'S KID TO LOSE 222 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:47,774 THEIR VIRGINITY, BUT THEIR SECOND DREAM IS OF COURSE TO BE IN WICKED. 223 00:11:47,774 --> 00:11:53,313 IT'S SO AMAZING TO BE HERE. THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS IN 2016, AND WE WERE RIGHT ON THE 224 00:11:53,313 --> 00:12:03,056 VERGE OF ELECTING OUR FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT, SO I GUESS SECOND TIME'S A CHARM. 225 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:10,063 BUT BEFORE I START, I WANT TO MAKE ONE THING CLEAR TONIGHT. I AM JUST HOSTING. 226 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:15,402 I'M -- NO, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE THIS ABOUT ME. I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE FUN, TAKE 227 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:25,378 IT EASY, AND, YEAH, JUST GOING TO KEEP IT LOW KEY. WHAT'S THIS? 228 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:32,152 * I'M GONNA KEEP IT LOW KEY TONIGHT, PROMISE I'M NOT GONNA SING * 229 00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:44,764 * I'M NOT GONNA SING MY FAVORITE NOTES, NOT C, D, B, A, OR G * * I'M NOT GONNA DO MY 230 00:12:44,764 --> 00:12:52,005 IMPRESSIONS, NO BRITNEY SPEARS TODAY, IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN, I'LL SAY THE SAME THING * 231 00:12:52,005 --> 00:13:06,152 * NO, BABY, BABY, I'M NOT GONNA DO MILEY CYRUS, BECAUSE BABY, THAT AIN'T GONNA WORK, I'M NOT 232 00:13:06,152 --> 00:13:17,097 GONNA DO GWEN STEFANI BECAUSE DON'T THINK * * I PROMISE I'M NOT SINGING ANY 233 00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:23,670 ANY IMPRESSIONS, I WON'T SING BECAUSE IT HURTS * * I'M NOT GONNA WINK AT MY 234 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:31,478 CAMERA, I PROMISE I WON'T DO A LIFT -- THANK YOU SO MUCH * * AND I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT 235 00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:38,184 WICKED, BECAUSE TONIGHT I DON'T GIVE A -- BOWEN, DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL YOU? 236 00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:42,756 WE CUT THE WICKED SKETCH. >> THAT'S OKAY. I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT ANYWAY. 237 00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:46,126 >> GREAT. AND THIS ISN'T A WAND. IT'S A FLASK 238 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:54,668 * SO KEEP THE PIANO FAR AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO IS PLAY THE 239 00:13:54,668 --> 00:14:00,173 KEY * * I'M NOT GONNA DO A DUE WET TONIGHT, SO PLEASE DON'T BRING 240 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:08,748 OUT STEVIE NICKS, AND THE LAST THING I'M GOING TO DO * * IS BRING OUT SOME HOT DANCERS 241 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:18,391 TO DO SOME INSANELY HIGH KICKS, I'M ACTUALLY REALLY SHY, NO MORE TRICKS, NO LOCAL FLIPS * 242 00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:34,474 * CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I'M DONE, SO EITHER WAY, THIS MUCH IS CLEAR, IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A 243 00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:47,153 DIVA, DON'T LOOK OVER HERE * * BECAUSE TONIGHT, I'M KEEPING IT LOW KEY * 244 00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:54,627 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR TONIGHT, STEVIE NICKS IS HERE 245 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:11,077 >>> YEAH, SO MATTHEW, I'LL FINISH WITH THIS, IT'S A 246 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:17,317 PRIVILEGE TO BE YOUR BEST MAN, BUT IT'S EVEN MORE OF A PRIVILEGE EDGE TO BE YOUR BEST 247 00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,819 FRIEND. I LOVE YOU, BRO. THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE. 248 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:25,258 >> ALL RIGHT. GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEST MAN. BUT WE DID SAY NO BORING 249 00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:29,763 SPEECHES. NO SHADE. ANYWAY, TURNING THE ATTENTION TO 250 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:35,869 MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER, THE BRIDE, KELSEY. >> SAME MOM, DIFFERENT DAD. 251 00:15:35,869 --> 00:15:41,274 LOVE YOU, GIRL. >> I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE UP HER BRIDESMAIDS. 252 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:46,346 >> SO INSTEAD OF A SPEECH, WE'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT FOR Y'ALL BECAUSE WE'RE A LITTLE 253 00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:52,452 BIT CREATIVE AND A LITTLE QUIRKY. >> AND WE KNOW WE'RE NOT MATT'S 254 00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:56,156 FAVORITE BECAUSE EVERY TIME SHE'S WITH US, SHE LOW KEY BLACKS OUT. 255 00:15:56,156 --> 00:16:00,660 >> NO, COME ON. I LOVE Y'ALL. >> SEE. 256 00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:09,402 SHE LOVES HER ESPRESSO MARTINIS. SO WE WROTE A SPECIAL SONG ABOUT OUR BACHELORETTE TRIP. 257 00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:17,243 >> THEY SAY WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS SAYS IN VEGAS. >> BUT WE DIDN'T GO TO VEGAS. 258 00:16:17,243 --> 00:16:23,183 WE WENT TO CHARLESTON. HIT IT * THE BRIDESMAIDS WANTED A 259 00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:30,256 CELEBRATION, SO WE TOOK A TRIP, BACHELORETTE VACATION * * BECAUSE WE KNOW SHE NEEDS ONE, 260 00:16:30,256 --> 00:16:35,662 A BREAK FROM MATTHEW, JUST KIDDING, MATT, WE'RE GLAD SHE HAS YOU * 261 00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:48,341 * WE'RE OUT, THE SHOTS ARE FLOWING, YEAH, GUYS ON THE DANCE FLOOR GROOV GROOVING YEAH * 262 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:57,417 * NOW SHE'S WITH A HOT GUY, BUT HE LOOKS GAY, SECOND LOCATION, MAYBE HE'S BI * 263 00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:03,423 >>. * FULLY STRAIGHT, FULLY TOUCHING DOMINGO, I CAN'T WAIT TO BE HIS 264 00:17:03,423 --> 00:17:11,031 WIFE, SHE'S POINTING TO DOMINGO * >> QUICK QUESTION, WHO'S 265 00:17:11,031 --> 00:17:14,134 DOMINGO. >> JUST THIS RANDOM GUY WE MET. I TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM. 266 00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:20,640 >> I'M POSITIVE YOU DID NOT. * IN THE BATHROOM, WE TAKE HER OUTSIDE. 267 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:28,081 SHE SAY DON'T WORRY, WE WON'T CROSS THE LINE * * THINK OF YOUR FIANCE, SHE SAYS 268 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:35,822 GOOD REMINDER, HANDS ME HER RING, THEN WE CAN'T FIND HER * >> YOU TOOK OFF YOUR RING? 269 00:17:35,822 --> 00:17:42,729 IS THIS TRUE? ? I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE IT IN 270 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,065 THE HOT TUB. >> WHAT HOT TUB? * NOW WE'RE BACK IN THE HOUSE IN 271 00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:54,140 THE HOT TUB, SHE'S THERE WITH DOMINGO, ASKED HIM TO LEAVE, GET A HOTEL, SHE'S VIBING WITH 272 00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:59,112 DOMINGO * >> YOU ASKED THEM TO LEAVE AND GET A HOTEL? 273 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:07,554 >> YOU'RE MISSING IT. * AT THE MARRIOTT, GOOGLING DOMINGO, JUST TO MAKE SURE HE'S 274 00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:15,729 NOT PSYCHO, BUT HE'S ACTUALLY A DOCTOR AND RANDOMLY A MODEL * * AND HE VOLUNTEERS WITH WEIRD 275 00:18:15,729 --> 00:18:25,939 SICK ANIMALS, AWW * >> IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG JUST THAT SHE CHEATED ON ME ALL 276 00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:31,711 WEEKEND? >> THE POINT IS IT'S ESPRESSO. >> YOU'RE NOT LISTENING TO THE 277 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:35,682 LYRICS. >> THAT'S ALL I'M LISTENING TO. * THE NEXT DAY, SHE SAID NOTHING 278 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:44,791 HAPPENED, THEY TALKED ALL NIGHT ABOUT YOU, MATTHEW * * THEN AT BRUNCH, SHE JUST 279 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:54,200 STARTS CRYING, WE ASK HER WHY, SHE SAYS I'M JUST SO TIRED * * WE SAY TAKE A NAP, SHE SAYS 280 00:18:54,200 --> 00:19:03,009 I'M NOT THAT KIND OF TIRED * >> I NEED ANSWERS NOW ABOUT YOU AND WHOEVER THIS DOMINGO GUY IS, 281 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:06,680 AND NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT THE RHYME SCHEME HAS GONE COMPLETELY OUT THE WINDOW. 282 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:10,884 >> I'M SORRY I MET SOMEONE I CONNECTED WITH, BUT DOMINGO IS IN THE PAST. 283 00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:20,293 >> I'M HERE. >> IF THIS IS DOMINGO, I'M GOING TO BE PISSED. 284 00:19:20,293 --> 00:19:29,102 >> CAME ALL THIS WAY, HAD TO EXPLAIN, KELSEY'S A FRIEND, SHE'S LIKE MY SIS, BUT WE DID 285 00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:35,041 HOOK UP THOUGH. >> WHY WOULD YOU GUYS TELL ME THIS THROUGH SONG? 286 00:19:35,041 --> 00:19:39,346 >> I HOPE WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS. 287 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,333 >>> KATIE, HI. HANNAH'S IN THE SHOWER. 288 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:06,806 SHE'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE. MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME. >> THANKS, MR. EVANS. 289 00:20:08,108 --> 00:20:14,014 * RIGHT WHEN I STEP INSIDE, I NOTE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST 290 00:20:14,014 --> 00:20:22,989 FRIEND'S HOUSE * * I WALK AROUND AND GET A WHIFF OF THE CINNAMON CANDLES AND THE 291 00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:29,529 PILLOWS AND THE COUCH * * HER OLDER BROTHER USES SPRAY-ON DEODERANT, IF I SMELL 292 00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:34,534 IT 20 YEARS FROM NOW, IT WILL TAKE ME RIGHT BACK TO THIS MOMENT * 293 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:39,372 * AND HER FATHER REALLY LIKES TO COOK, SO IT ALWAYS SMELLS GOOD, AND HER FAMILY USES CLEANING 294 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:45,278 STUFF THAT MY FAMILY NEVER WOULD * * OH, I LOVE THE SMELL OF MY 295 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:51,284 BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * 296 00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:58,291 * I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I LOVE THAT * 297 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:05,532 * PLAYING MUSIC ON HER HEADPHONES, IT'S THE BEST I'VE 298 00:21:05,532 --> 00:21:11,371 EVER HEARD, AND HER DAD IS OBSESSED WITH CROSS WORDS, HE'S KIND OF A NERD * 299 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:18,078 * THEY HAVE A BUNCH OF MOVIES THAT I DON'T HAVE, AND HER PARENTS ARE DIVORCED, SO THEY 300 00:21:18,078 --> 00:21:24,084 HAVE THE BEST SNACKS * * I REALLY LOVE THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE, I REALLY 301 00:21:24,084 --> 00:21:30,090 LOVE IT, THE SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * SMELL OF MY BEST FRIEND'S 302 00:21:30,090 --> 00:21:34,694 HOUSE, I REALLY LOVE IT, THE SMELL -- 303 00:21:37,797 --> 00:21:38,965 >> MISS, MISS, YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE. 304 00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:43,169 >> WHAT? >> AFTER NEARLY A DECADE, THE SEARCH FOR THE CROSS WORD KILLER 305 00:21:43,169 --> 00:21:48,742 HAS COME TO A CLOSE. POLICE SAY THE OWNER OF THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN IMPLICATED IN THE 306 00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:52,979 DEATHS OF AT LEAST 14 INDIVIDUALS. HUMAN REMAINS HAVE BEEN 307 00:21:52,979 --> 00:21:58,952 DISCOVERED IN NEARLY EVERY ROOM IN THE HOUSE * I GUESS I MAY HAVE MISSED SOME 308 00:21:58,952 --> 00:22:07,560 PRETTY BIG RED FLAGS WHEN I WAS OVER AT MY BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * YES, YOU DID * 309 00:22:07,560 --> 00:22:14,534 * BUT NOW I KNOW WHAT THE DEODORANT AND CANDLES WERE ALL ABOUT, AND SURE I NEVER TOOK A 310 00:22:14,534 --> 00:22:23,076 CLOSE LOOK AT THE TAPES OR WONDERED WHY HER DAD WAS BURNING LOGS IN THE FIREPLACE * 311 00:22:23,076 --> 00:22:30,150 * YES THE FRIDGE WAS STUFFED WITH FOOD LIKE I SAID, BUT IT DISTRACTED ME FROM THE FROZEN 312 00:22:30,150 --> 00:22:37,657 HUMAN HEAD * * I SWEAR I NEVER NOTICED ANYTHING ABOUT THE SMELL OF MY 313 00:22:37,657 --> 00:22:47,567 BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE * * HEY, WHY DID YOU TAKE MY SHAKER, THE SMELL OF MY BEST 314 00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:55,108 FRIEND'S HOUSE, OH, MY GOD, IT WAS FULL OF TEETH * >> THE FURNITURE MADE ME DO IT. 315 00:22:55,108 --> 00:23:01,448 SHE CAN HEAR THEM SINGING TOO. SHE HAS THE DARKNESS TOO. 316 00:23:17,864 --> 00:23:20,567 It is so amazing to have the family together. 317 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,802 And, Josh, can I just say how amazing it's been? 318 00:23:22,836 --> 00:23:26,072 Finally getting to meet my son's incredible boyfriend? 319 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:27,407 Don't embarrass me, mom. 320 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,875 Diane, that is so sweet. 321 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:30,377 You guys have all been so nice. 322 00:23:30,410 --> 00:23:32,479 I really feel like a part of the family. 323 00:23:32,512 --> 00:23:35,448 Okay, here's that buffalo chicken dip. 324 00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:36,850 Are we all set for some shrimps? 325 00:23:36,883 --> 00:23:39,185 And just finish the last clue. 326 00:23:39,219 --> 00:23:40,487 All ready to go. 327 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,088 Charades. Have fun. 328 00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,324 I didn't know you guys were like a game night kind of family. 329 00:23:44,357 --> 00:23:48,862 I mean, we're not usually mom gets a teensy bit competitive. 330 00:23:48,895 --> 00:23:50,897 Oh, honey, I do not. 331 00:23:50,930 --> 00:23:52,465 Go ahead. Teri, you start us off. 332 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:55,835 Movie tours. 333 00:23:55,869 --> 00:23:56,503 Star wars? 334 00:23:56,536 --> 00:23:58,138 Yes. Okay. 335 00:23:58,171 --> 00:24:00,140 Actor, actor 336 00:24:00,173 --> 00:24:01,141 Robert De Niro. 337 00:24:01,174 --> 00:24:02,375 Okay, okay. 338 00:24:02,409 --> 00:24:04,944 Quick movie. 339 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:06,179 My neighbor took a long time. 340 00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:10,083 Oh, you told me you were on fire. 341 00:24:10,116 --> 00:24:10,717 Heck, yeah. 342 00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:16,589 In your face, Diane. 343 00:24:16,623 --> 00:24:20,760 Oh, well, that wasn't necessary. 344 00:24:20,794 --> 00:24:24,464 I was just teasing, like in your face. Go. 345 00:24:24,497 --> 00:24:28,668 You got a tiny pecker or something? 346 00:24:28,702 --> 00:24:29,769 Scuse me. 347 00:24:29,803 --> 00:24:31,271 Well, you must be compensated for something. 348 00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:33,707 You poor, sick loser. 349 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:35,241 Easy, babe. 350 00:24:35,275 --> 00:24:36,476 Dan, I am so sorry. 351 00:24:36,509 --> 00:24:38,945 I did not mean to offend you. 352 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:39,646 Oh, no. 353 00:24:39,679 --> 00:24:41,781 I'm sorry, Josh, and you didn't. 354 00:24:41,815 --> 00:24:44,217 It was just a joke. It's just a game. 355 00:24:44,250 --> 00:24:45,585 All right, well, let's go to the next round. 356 00:24:45,618 --> 00:24:47,320 I'll go first. Everybody ready? Yes. 357 00:24:47,354 --> 00:24:49,222 You good? Yes, I'm totally good. 358 00:24:49,255 --> 00:24:51,524 Josh, I was just teasing. Okay. Phew. 359 00:24:51,558 --> 00:24:54,494 Well, you're going down this next round, girlfriend. 360 00:24:54,527 --> 00:24:55,128 Point two. Shoot! 361 00:24:55,962 --> 00:24:57,464 I'll shoot you point blank in the head. 362 00:24:57,497 --> 00:24:58,798 Oh my God! 363 00:24:58,832 --> 00:24:59,833 Stinky! Poor loser. 364 00:24:59,866 --> 00:25:01,267 Threatening a woman. 365 00:25:01,301 --> 00:25:03,503 I wasn't trying to threaten you. 366 00:25:03,536 --> 00:25:04,637 Oh, you couldn't if you tried. 367 00:25:04,671 --> 00:25:08,375 Not with that rinky dink pinky you got between your legs. 368 00:25:08,408 --> 00:25:10,243 It is not rinky dink. 369 00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:13,246 I've googled what the average is. I'm. 370 00:25:13,279 --> 00:25:14,047 I'm sorry. 371 00:25:15,048 --> 00:25:16,950 Josh, like I said, mom gets a teensy bit competitive. 372 00:25:17,050 --> 00:25:18,918 She said she'd shoot me. 373 00:25:18,952 --> 00:25:20,086 All right, all right, it's my turn. 374 00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:22,689 Everyone. Let's, let's focus up and. 375 00:25:22,722 --> 00:25:26,192 Okay, here we go. Movie. 376 00:25:26,226 --> 00:25:27,093 Two words. 377 00:25:27,127 --> 00:25:29,129 Second word. 378 00:25:29,162 --> 00:25:31,331 Length. Foot. Mile. 379 00:25:31,364 --> 00:25:32,065 Okay, okay. 380 00:25:32,065 --> 00:25:33,066 Got my first word. 381 00:25:33,099 --> 00:25:35,735 Now first word. Oh. 382 00:25:35,769 --> 00:25:36,503 Pathetic. Fat. 383 00:25:36,536 --> 00:25:38,505 Bad. Evil. No nuts. 384 00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:41,174 Oh, poor ugly short guy. 385 00:25:41,207 --> 00:25:45,111 Pathetic little gay guy. 386 00:25:45,145 --> 00:25:45,745 Chill out. 387 00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:48,648 Mom, I'm gay too. Oh, honey, I didn't mean it like that. 388 00:25:48,682 --> 00:25:53,086 I meant gay as in stupid and bad. 389 00:25:53,119 --> 00:25:56,089 And what is your problem? 390 00:25:56,122 --> 00:25:58,158 I don't have a problem. 391 00:25:58,191 --> 00:26:00,160 I've got love 392 00:26:00,193 --> 00:26:01,761 and a family. 393 00:26:01,795 --> 00:26:04,731 What have you got? 394 00:26:04,764 --> 00:26:06,466 A toe chode? 395 00:26:06,499 --> 00:26:07,934 Enough about my son. 396 00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:08,568 You want me to show you? 397 00:26:09,569 --> 00:26:10,570 Because I'll just show you right here, right now. 398 00:26:10,603 --> 00:26:12,639 Hey, hey! Don't you dare show my wife your pecker. 399 00:26:12,672 --> 00:26:15,041 How about I beat your ass here right now? 400 00:26:15,041 --> 00:26:16,276 Josh, what are you doing? 401 00:26:16,309 --> 00:26:20,046 What does it look like? Kevin I'm about to fight your mom. 402 00:26:20,046 --> 00:26:22,382 Well, in this house, we play by street rules, bitch. 403 00:26:22,415 --> 00:26:25,085 Ow ow ow ow! You did. Not. 404 00:26:25,118 --> 00:26:26,219 You don't know. 405 00:26:26,252 --> 00:26:28,688 Oh, my God, what is he doing to our mother? 406 00:26:28,722 --> 00:26:31,124 Josh, you really hurt her. 407 00:26:31,157 --> 00:26:33,626 This is like a desert. 408 00:26:33,660 --> 00:26:36,663 Ow ow ow! 409 00:26:36,696 --> 00:26:38,465 Ow! I'm so sorry. 410 00:26:38,498 --> 00:26:41,501 I guess I got a little carried away. 411 00:26:47,273 --> 00:26:49,609 Well, well, well, 412 00:26:49,642 --> 00:26:51,478 you did it. 413 00:26:51,511 --> 00:26:52,879 What's going on? 414 00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:57,684 Finally, one of my son's boyfriends stood up to me. 415 00:26:57,717 --> 00:27:01,021 I need my son to have a man like you who will protect him. 416 00:27:01,021 --> 00:27:05,025 Because my son is so, so weak. 417 00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:08,128 And I don't have any respect for him. 418 00:27:08,161 --> 00:27:11,031 Ma! Come on. Wow. 419 00:27:11,031 --> 00:27:13,333 You really are incredible, Diane. 420 00:27:13,366 --> 00:27:16,302 I'm sorry things got so heated. 421 00:27:16,336 --> 00:27:19,039 Hey, hey. It's okay. 422 00:27:19,039 --> 00:27:22,042 Mom, what are you doing? 423 00:27:40,060 --> 00:27:45,932 >>> FOOTBALL. IT IS A SPORT THAT CONNECTS WHO 424 00:27:45,932 --> 00:27:53,873 WE ARE TO WHO WE WERE, PROVING OUR MOST POURERFUL MEMORIES CAN STAY WITH US FOREVER. 425 00:27:53,873 --> 00:28:04,784 THAT IS WHY LAST WEEK, I, CELINE DION MADE A PROMO FOR SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, OKAY? 426 00:28:04,784 --> 00:28:08,688 BUT FOOTBALL ISN'T THE ONLY SPORT THAT CONNECTS US TO OUR PAST. 427 00:28:08,688 --> 00:28:18,331 THERE IS ANOTHER SPORT. UFC FIGHTING. SHALL WE GO FIGHT! 428 00:28:18,331 --> 00:28:25,672 * IT'S ALL COMING BACK, ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW, THERE WAS BREAKING OF BONES AND THERE WERE 429 00:28:25,672 --> 00:28:33,780 KNEES TO THE BALLS * THE MEMORIES, NO. THAT WOMAN IN A SPORTS BRA WITH 430 00:28:33,780 --> 00:28:39,819 THE TIGHTEST FRENCH BRAIDS AND THE FLATTEST FACE. AN ANGRY MAN WITH A SIDEWAYS 431 00:28:39,819 --> 00:28:50,330 NOSE. THE HUSH OF THE CROWD AS A 300-POUND BOSNIAN VOMITS UP HIS 432 00:28:50,330 --> 00:28:55,635 OWN TEETH. THIS IS THE UFC * WHEN I HIT YOU LIKE THIS AND 433 00:28:55,635 --> 00:29:02,742 YOU CHOKE ME LIKE THAT, WHEN YOU ELBOW ME, IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME * 434 00:29:02,742 --> 00:29:12,585 AND ALL COMMENTATORS ALL BALD AND IN THE SHINIEST OF SHIRTS * IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME * 435 00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:20,026 IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME, BUT MAYBE NOT THEM BECAUSE OF THE CONCUSSIONS. 436 00:29:20,026 --> 00:29:24,898 THAT IS THE BEAUTY OF THE UFC, THE TENSION, THE SKILL * I CAN BARELY RECALL, BUT IT'S 437 00:29:24,898 --> 00:29:37,143 ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW * I AM CELINE DION FOR THE UFC 308. 438 00:29:37,143 --> 00:29:41,047 SEE YOU IN THE OCTAGON. 439 00:29:54,627 --> 00:29:58,098 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, STEVIE NICKS. 440 00:29:58,098 --> 00:30:11,011 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** * I HAVE MY SCARS 441 00:30:11,011 --> 00:30:20,720 YOU HAVE YOURS * * DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOUR POWER 442 00:30:20,720 --> 00:30:27,160 DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE * * IN THE FINAL HOURS THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL 443 00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:36,903 THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER * * DON'T CLOSE YOUR EYES AND HOPE FOR THE BEST 444 00:30:36,903 --> 00:30:43,309 THE DARK IS OUT THERE THE LIGHT IS GOING FAST * * UNTIL THE FINAL HOURS 445 00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:48,682 YOUR LIFE'S FOREVER CHANGED * * AND ALL THE RIGHTS 446 00:30:48,682 --> 00:31:02,128 THAT YOU HAD YESTERDAY ARE TAKEN AWAY * * AND NOW YOU'RE AFRAID 447 00:31:02,128 --> 00:31:15,642 YOU SHOULD BE AFRAID SHOULD BE AFRAID * * BECAUSE EVERYTHING 448 00:31:15,642 --> 00:31:26,353 I FOUGHT FOR LONG AGO IN A DREAM IS GONE * * SOMEONE SAID 449 00:31:26,353 --> 00:31:39,299 THE DREAM IS NOT OVER THE DREAM HAS JUST BEGUN OR IS IT A NIGHTMARE * 450 00:31:39,299 --> 00:31:50,110 * IS IT A LASTING SCAR IT IS UNLESS YOU SAVE IT * * AND THAT'S THAT 451 00:31:50,110 --> 00:32:00,920 UNLESS YOU STAND UP AND TAKE IT BACK AND TAKE IT BACK * 452 00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:08,962 * I HAVE MY SCARS YOU HAVE YOURS * * DON'T LET THEM 453 00:32:08,962 --> 00:32:17,070 TAKE YOUR POWER DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE * * IN THE FINAL HOURS 454 00:32:17,070 --> 00:32:24,477 THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER * * UNLESS YOU STAND UP 455 00:32:24,477 --> 00:32:32,085 AND TAKE IT BACK TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE AND GET MAD * 456 00:32:32,085 --> 00:32:36,823 * IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU DON'T HAVE 457 00:32:36,823 --> 00:32:45,965 WHAT YOU HAD * * YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME TO GET IT BACK 458 00:32:45,965 --> 00:32:54,541 I WANNA BE THE LIGHTHOUSE BRING ALL OF YOU TOGETHER * * BRING IT OUT IN A SONG 459 00:32:54,541 --> 00:33:05,285 BRING IT OUT IN STORMY WEATHER TELL THEM THE STORY * 460 00:33:05,285 --> 00:33:15,428 * I WANNA TEACH 'EM TO FIGHT I WANNA TELL 'EM THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE 461 00:33:15,428 --> 00:33:24,571 DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN * * I HAVE MY SCARS YOU HAVE YOURS * 462 00:33:24,571 --> 00:33:32,078 * DON'T LET THEM TAKE YOUR POWER DON'T LEAVE IT ALONE * 463 00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:39,085 * IN THE FINAL HOURS THEY'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL THEY'LL TAKE YOUR POWER * 464 00:33:39,085 --> 00:33:46,626 * UNLESS YOU SAVE IT AND THAT'S THAT UNLESS YOU STAND UP 465 00:33:46,626 --> 00:33:54,668 AND TAKE IT BACK * * TRY TO SEE THE FUTURE AND GET MAD * 466 00:33:54,668 --> 00:33:57,937 * IT'S SLIPPING THROUGH YOUR FINGERS YOU DON'T HAVE 467 00:33:57,937 --> 00:34:05,912 WHAT YOU HAD * * YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME YOU GOTTA GET IN THE GAME 468 00:34:05,912 --> 00:34:10,216 YOU GOTTA LEARN HOW TO PLAY * * YOU GOTTA MAKE A CHANGE 469 00:34:10,216 --> 00:34:20,360 YOU GOTTA DO IT TODAY * * IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR THEY'LL SLAM THE DOOR 470 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:27,300 MAKE YOU FORGET WHAT YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR * * PUT YOU BACK IN YOUR PLACE 471 00:34:27,300 --> 00:34:32,706 THEY'LL SHUT YOU DOWN YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO FIGHT * 472 00:34:32,706 --> 00:34:51,691 * YOU BETTER SAY IT OUT LOUD * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 473 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:01,901 It's Weekend Update. 474 00:35:01,935 --> 00:35:02,502 With Colin. 475 00:35:02,535 --> 00:35:05,538 Jost and Michael Che. 476 00:35:11,077 --> 00:35:12,812 Thank you. 477 00:35:12,846 --> 00:35:13,847 Good evening everyone. 478 00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:15,715 Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che. 479 00:35:15,749 --> 00:35:19,819 I'm Colin Jost. 480 00:35:19,853 --> 00:35:21,054 Donald Trump held 481 00:35:21,054 --> 00:35:24,791 a rally today at the site of the Coachella music Festival. 482 00:35:24,824 --> 00:35:26,059 Because just like Trump, 483 00:35:26,092 --> 00:35:30,397 Coachella brings out the worst in white people. 484 00:35:30,430 --> 00:35:32,832 And maybe it was the 100 degree heat, 485 00:35:32,866 --> 00:35:36,236 but it also brought out the weirdest in Trump. 486 00:35:36,269 --> 00:35:37,303 And San Francisco. 487 00:35:37,337 --> 00:35:42,075 What the hell is happening to our cities? 488 00:35:42,075 --> 00:35:43,543 Look, it's Abraham Lincoln. 489 00:35:43,576 --> 00:35:48,081 Abraham Lincoln, stand up. 490 00:35:48,081 --> 00:35:50,550 What he just told Abraham Lincoln. 491 00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,086 Given your recent history at rallies, do you really want 492 00:35:53,086 --> 00:36:00,493 both of you and Abraham Lincoln to stand up? 493 00:36:00,527 --> 00:36:01,661 It was also reported that 494 00:36:01,695 --> 00:36:03,730 during the first three months of her campaign, 495 00:36:03,763 --> 00:36:10,837 Kamala Harris raised over $1 billion, which I hope. 496 00:36:10,870 --> 00:36:12,505 Which I hope is finally 497 00:36:12,539 --> 00:36:18,712 enough money for her to stop texting me. 498 00:36:18,745 --> 00:36:21,848 A new poll showed that 47% of voters see Kamala 499 00:36:21,881 --> 00:36:24,951 Harris representing change better than Donald Trump. 500 00:36:25,051 --> 00:36:25,552 How about now? 501 00:36:25,585 --> 00:36:28,888 Said Trump with bangs. 502 00:36:28,922 --> 00:36:30,890 Next week, Donald Trump will participate 503 00:36:30,924 --> 00:36:34,594 in a Fox News town hall before an all female audience. 504 00:36:34,627 --> 00:36:44,070 Well, good luck trying to talk over all those rape whistles. 505 00:36:44,070 --> 00:36:45,372 Donald Trump confirmed that 506 00:36:45,405 --> 00:36:48,875 he would not agree to a second debate with Kamala Harris. 507 00:36:48,908 --> 00:36:50,076 Which is fine with me. 508 00:36:50,110 --> 00:36:52,846 If I wanted to watch an old man yell at a Jamaican lady, 509 00:36:52,879 --> 00:37:00,453 I'd visit my grandpa at the nursing home. 510 00:37:00,487 --> 00:37:02,022 An interview of The New York Times J.D. 511 00:37:02,055 --> 00:37:03,523 Vance was repeatedly asked 512 00:37:03,556 --> 00:37:05,625 if Donald Trump lost the 2020 election. 513 00:37:05,658 --> 00:37:07,360 Let's see how he handled it. 514 00:37:07,394 --> 00:37:10,230 I'm going to ask you again, did Donald Trump lose the 2020? 515 00:37:10,263 --> 00:37:14,067 Answered the question with another question. 516 00:37:14,100 --> 00:37:16,736 Then Vance offered to move the interview under a bridge 517 00:37:16,770 --> 00:37:20,473 so he could answer in the form of a riddle. 518 00:37:20,507 --> 00:37:23,109 You can't answer questions with questions. 519 00:37:23,143 --> 00:37:25,178 If a cop asks, have you been drinking? 520 00:37:25,211 --> 00:37:26,112 You can't ask him. 521 00:37:26,146 --> 00:37:31,117 Have you been drinking off super. 522 00:37:31,151 --> 00:37:32,218 A new poll shows 523 00:37:32,252 --> 00:37:36,222 that since 2016, support by black voters for Democratic 524 00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:40,060 candidates has dropped from 92% to 78%. 525 00:37:40,060 --> 00:37:41,928 Oh, don't make this our fault. 526 00:37:41,961 --> 00:37:44,164 78% is still a lot. 527 00:37:44,197 --> 00:37:44,898 For context, 528 00:37:44,931 --> 00:37:46,599 78% black people is enough 529 00:37:46,633 --> 00:37:49,069 to make white liberals leave the county. 530 00:37:49,069 --> 00:37:52,539 Be great for the only other people to get 78% of the black 531 00:37:52,572 --> 00:37:56,443 vote was the North and Kendrick Lamar. 532 00:37:56,476 --> 00:37:58,178 Also, if it wasn't for black voters, 533 00:37:58,211 --> 00:38:00,013 y'all wouldn't even be a party anymore. 534 00:38:00,046 --> 00:38:07,020 You'd be the Democratic small get together. 535 00:38:07,020 --> 00:38:08,788 Experts have noted that Donald Trump 536 00:38:08,822 --> 00:38:12,125 has struggled to present a softened stance on abortion. 537 00:38:12,158 --> 00:38:18,365 In fact, this is the best he's come up with. 538 00:38:18,398 --> 00:38:19,866 Oh, man. 539 00:38:19,899 --> 00:38:22,702 Okay, okay. 540 00:38:22,736 --> 00:38:23,436 I think we're. 541 00:38:23,470 --> 00:38:26,706 Really finding the line. 542 00:38:26,740 --> 00:38:29,743 Arkansas Governor Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticized 543 00:38:29,776 --> 00:38:31,111 Kamala Harris and said that 544 00:38:31,144 --> 00:38:33,079 because Kamala doesn't have children, 545 00:38:33,113 --> 00:38:35,749 she doesn't have anything keeping her humble. 546 00:38:35,782 --> 00:38:41,187 Yeah, because Trump having five kids has kept him so humble. 547 00:38:41,221 --> 00:38:44,290 Harris responded by saying that it's tough to be a stepmom, 548 00:38:44,324 --> 00:38:46,626 which is true because you have to be a parent 549 00:38:46,659 --> 00:38:50,497 and turn them against their real mom. 550 00:38:50,530 --> 00:38:52,265 A new report shows that inflation 551 00:38:52,298 --> 00:38:55,468 has dropped to its lowest level in almost four years. 552 00:38:55,502 --> 00:39:00,674 Man, this was Joe Biden was still around to see this. 553 00:39:00,707 --> 00:39:03,543 Oh, he is so. 554 00:39:03,576 --> 00:39:05,011 I didn't know, I didn't know. 555 00:39:05,011 --> 00:39:08,081 Both the Mets and Yankees have advanced to the league 556 00:39:08,114 --> 00:39:11,885 championship round, setting up a potential Subway Series. 557 00:39:11,918 --> 00:39:14,621 Oh, that guy. 558 00:39:14,654 --> 00:39:15,922 That would be so awesome. 559 00:39:16,022 --> 00:39:16,923 It would be the only thing 560 00:39:17,023 --> 00:39:19,025 anyone in New York City would care about, right? 561 00:39:19,025 --> 00:39:22,796 Said Mayor Adams. 562 00:39:22,829 --> 00:39:25,899 According to internal documents from TikTok, the app's 563 00:39:25,932 --> 00:39:29,035 algorithm demoted people it deemed not attractive enough. 564 00:39:29,035 --> 00:39:37,744 You know, like Colin does with interns. 565 00:39:37,777 --> 00:39:41,147 Don't whistle. 566 00:39:41,181 --> 00:39:43,850 Fans of the peanuts comic strip were upset 567 00:39:43,883 --> 00:39:47,087 after a fan account endorsed Donald Trump. 568 00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:50,190 Even worse, they claim that Franklin was trying to eat 569 00:39:50,223 --> 00:39:53,727 Snoopy. 570 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,229 This week, Amazon celebrated its 48 hours 571 00:39:56,262 --> 00:39:59,432 sale of Prime Day with a record number of orders. 572 00:39:59,466 --> 00:40:02,469 Here karma is Monica, a happy Amazon employee? 573 00:40:06,206 --> 00:40:06,606 Good morning. 574 00:40:07,674 --> 00:40:08,208 Good morning everybody. Good morning. Good morning. 575 00:40:08,241 --> 00:40:08,742 How are. You doing. 576 00:40:08,775 --> 00:40:09,542 Good morning Monica. 577 00:40:10,577 --> 00:40:12,379 It's midnight and you seem to have a lot of energy. 578 00:40:12,412 --> 00:40:16,216 I got to these packages. Didn't go deliver themselves. 579 00:40:16,249 --> 00:40:17,917 Hey. Hey, man. 580 00:40:17,951 --> 00:40:19,686 Hey, can you just stop that for a second? 581 00:40:19,719 --> 00:40:20,653 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. 582 00:40:20,687 --> 00:40:22,389 Okay. Yeah. Happy to love to. Yeah. What's up? 583 00:40:22,422 --> 00:40:25,025 So Prime Day is Amazon's biggest sale event. 584 00:40:25,058 --> 00:40:27,627 How was it this year? Oh, it was amazing. 585 00:40:27,660 --> 00:40:29,396 Prime day sort of like Hanukkah 586 00:40:29,429 --> 00:40:31,197 in that they said it would last one day. 587 00:40:31,231 --> 00:40:34,734 But I worked eight straight days for eight days. 588 00:40:34,768 --> 00:40:35,301 Oh yeah. 589 00:40:35,335 --> 00:40:36,436 Yeah, I worked so much, 590 00:40:36,469 --> 00:40:38,304 I had to make up a whole new day of the week. 591 00:40:38,338 --> 00:40:39,973 Blues day. Yeah. 592 00:40:40,006 --> 00:40:41,808 That's when you close your eyes on Friday. 593 00:40:41,841 --> 00:40:43,309 Wake up behind the wheel on Tuesday. 594 00:40:43,343 --> 00:40:45,211 Yeah, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. 595 00:40:45,245 --> 00:40:47,013 I got a good job. 596 00:40:47,047 --> 00:40:48,381 Well, see, I spent a lot of time work. 597 00:40:48,415 --> 00:40:49,916 And do you at least like your coworkers? 598 00:40:49,949 --> 00:40:51,151 Oh, yeah, I love them. 599 00:40:51,184 --> 00:40:54,320 I love I love the people, the drones. 600 00:40:54,354 --> 00:40:57,223 Oh my God, oh my God, the drones are so sweet. 601 00:40:57,257 --> 00:40:59,893 I actually hooked up with a drone. 602 00:40:59,926 --> 00:41:02,328 It's like I always say, can't get a nest 603 00:41:02,362 --> 00:41:06,733 if he's got a USP. 604 00:41:06,766 --> 00:41:08,168 I think about it. 605 00:41:08,201 --> 00:41:08,668 Think about it. 606 00:41:09,436 --> 00:41:10,937 Do you have any work life balance? 607 00:41:10,970 --> 00:41:13,606 Oh, yeah. Okay. Michael got two once a week. 608 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:16,509 I bought an Amazon package to my own address, 609 00:41:16,543 --> 00:41:21,781 just so I can drive by my house and wait on my kids. 610 00:41:21,815 --> 00:41:24,284 Legal package, doing live TV. 611 00:41:24,317 --> 00:41:26,986 Oh, my God, Michael, I know how to carry myself. 612 00:41:27,087 --> 00:41:28,688 I've been on TV before and have. 613 00:41:28,722 --> 00:41:30,623 Oh, yeah. Oh, bunch of times. 614 00:41:30,657 --> 00:41:33,727 You might recognize me from my viral brain cam video. 615 00:41:33,760 --> 00:41:37,130 Amazon worker kicks a little white dog into the sun. 616 00:41:37,163 --> 00:41:39,566 Monica I swear to God that was me. 617 00:41:39,599 --> 00:41:40,767 What a goal. 618 00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:42,202 I've been on so many brain cameras. 619 00:41:42,235 --> 00:41:45,305 I'm getting residuals from ridiculousness. 620 00:41:45,338 --> 00:41:46,506 Oh well, that's good, I guess. 621 00:41:46,539 --> 00:41:48,174 I mean, does Amazon offer you benefits? 622 00:41:48,208 --> 00:41:49,175 Oh, yeah. Of course. 623 00:41:49,209 --> 00:41:49,843 Got to. 624 00:41:49,876 --> 00:41:52,445 Yeah, they gave me this vest. 625 00:41:52,479 --> 00:41:54,414 That's. What do you mean that's it? 626 00:41:54,447 --> 00:41:56,116 Michael. All the most important jobs. 627 00:41:56,149 --> 00:42:01,254 Get a vest, crossing guards, service dogs, lesbians. 628 00:42:01,287 --> 00:42:02,655 Lady, this is not a job. 629 00:42:02,689 --> 00:42:06,493 Well, then why they do it? 630 00:42:06,526 --> 00:42:09,362 You know, I never thought of anybody. 631 00:42:09,396 --> 00:42:10,663 I'm having trouble understanding. 632 00:42:10,697 --> 00:42:13,066 Why are you so happy working at Amazon? 633 00:42:13,066 --> 00:42:14,200 Monica? 634 00:42:14,234 --> 00:42:16,903 Monica, are you sleep with your eyes. 635 00:42:16,936 --> 00:42:18,438 Oh, grandma. 636 00:42:18,471 --> 00:42:20,974 Where am I? What day is it from? Today it's blue day. 637 00:42:21,074 --> 00:42:22,075 Oh my God. 638 00:42:22,075 --> 00:42:22,709 Oh. I'm sorry. 639 00:42:23,810 --> 00:42:25,245 It's just so disoriented to wake up and not be driving. 640 00:42:25,278 --> 00:42:26,713 Monica, I'm starting to think 641 00:42:26,746 --> 00:42:30,717 Amazon is overworking you and th 642 00:42:30,750 --> 00:42:33,119 Oh, you really think so, J yeah. 643 00:42:33,153 --> 00:42:38,625 So you're going to stop ordering from Amazon. 644 00:42:38,658 --> 00:42:39,592 How do you Amazon 645 00:42:39,626 --> 00:42:42,629 employee everybody. 646 00:42:47,967 --> 00:42:51,237 LeBron James and his son Bronny made history when they became 647 00:42:51,271 --> 00:42:55,475 the first ever father son duo to play an NBA game together. 648 00:42:55,508 --> 00:42:58,345 But there was some confusion when LeBron called a timeout 649 00:42:58,378 --> 00:43:02,682 and his son went and stood in the corner. 650 00:43:02,716 --> 00:43:04,784 Officials are urging New York's governor 651 00:43:04,818 --> 00:43:06,553 to send 100 state troopers 652 00:43:06,586 --> 00:43:09,055 to Queens to shut down the numerous brothels 653 00:43:09,055 --> 00:43:10,256 on Roosevelt Avenue, 654 00:43:10,290 --> 00:43:16,563 which begs the question what's the cross Street? 655 00:43:16,596 --> 00:43:17,263 A YouTube 656 00:43:18,264 --> 00:43:21,468 star totaled his $200,000 McLaren after he live 657 00:43:21,501 --> 00:43:24,738 streamed himself texting while driving in the rain. 658 00:43:24,771 --> 00:43:29,075 Even more tragic, he survived. 659 00:43:29,075 --> 00:43:31,878 Scientists have released a detailed map of a fruit 660 00:43:31,911 --> 00:43:34,347 flies brain, and it's actually very different 661 00:43:34,381 --> 00:43:40,286 from a straight fly's brain. 662 00:43:40,320 --> 00:43:41,388 Okay, you know what? 663 00:43:41,421 --> 00:43:42,255 I can't. 664 00:43:42,288 --> 00:43:45,225 It's the 90s. Called. No. What? 665 00:43:45,258 --> 00:43:46,960 The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded 666 00:43:46,993 --> 00:43:49,596 to a group of Japanese atomic bomb survivors 667 00:43:49,629 --> 00:43:52,332 who are trying to free the world of nuclear weapons. 668 00:43:52,365 --> 00:43:55,702 The survivors called the award the second biggest surprise 669 00:43:55,735 --> 00:44:04,277 of their lives. 670 00:44:04,310 --> 00:44:07,047 The Supreme Court declined to hear R Kelly's 671 00:44:07,047 --> 00:44:10,050 appeal of the decision in his sex crimes case. 672 00:44:10,083 --> 00:44:16,056 Or, as I like to call it, it's the remix to conviction. 673 00:44:16,089 --> 00:44:20,493 All right, let's go into a prison. 674 00:44:20,527 --> 00:44:21,194 That's pretty good. 675 00:44:21,227 --> 00:44:23,496 It's the 90s. 676 00:44:23,530 --> 00:44:25,832 According to a new study, South Burlington, 677 00:44:25,865 --> 00:44:28,234 Vermont is the safest city in the country. 678 00:44:28,268 --> 00:44:29,836 While the least safe city is. 679 00:44:29,869 --> 00:44:32,872 Did he freak off Nebraska? 680 00:44:37,077 --> 00:44:38,178 Tickets for the North 681 00:44:38,211 --> 00:44:42,248 American leg of the long awaited Oasis reunion tour on sale. 682 00:44:42,282 --> 00:44:44,284 Which is surprising to some as the band 683 00:44:44,317 --> 00:44:46,252 has seemingly been feuding for decades. 684 00:44:46,286 --> 00:44:48,955 Here to comment are brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher. 685 00:44:54,494 --> 00:44:58,732 Oh my la la la la la la. 686 00:44:58,765 --> 00:44:59,532 Thanks for being here. 687 00:44:59,566 --> 00:45:00,667 Now everyone's wondering, 688 00:45:00,700 --> 00:45:05,505 are you guys going to be cool to tour a year from now? 689 00:45:05,538 --> 00:45:06,673 I'm cool. Thank you. 690 00:45:06,706 --> 00:45:08,508 I'm cool, I'm cool. 691 00:45:08,541 --> 00:45:11,678 I'm cooler than you are. Stop it! 692 00:45:11,711 --> 00:45:12,112 Great. 693 00:45:12,145 --> 00:45:14,080 So that's a no. 694 00:45:14,114 --> 00:45:17,584 It's not a hard no to my b b side. 695 00:45:17,617 --> 00:45:23,656 Maybe if Liam doesn't act like a baby, I'm not. 696 00:45:23,690 --> 00:45:26,826 By then, you're like, you're a baby. 697 00:45:26,860 --> 00:45:28,128 Oh, he stuck his tongue at me. 698 00:45:28,161 --> 00:45:30,397 You see that tongue out of me? 699 00:45:30,430 --> 00:45:31,664 He's been naughty. 700 00:45:31,698 --> 00:45:33,366 He's been naughty. Cool. 701 00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:35,702 You guys, you're fighting. 702 00:45:35,735 --> 00:45:36,870 You're 50 years old. 703 00:45:36,903 --> 00:45:39,305 You're fighting like a couple of little kids, okay? 704 00:45:39,339 --> 00:45:41,608 There must be something that you both agree on. 705 00:45:41,641 --> 00:45:43,410 I guessed a few things. Yeah. 706 00:45:43,443 --> 00:45:45,945 SpongeBob legend. 707 00:45:45,979 --> 00:45:49,182 It was the best Ninja turtle, Donatello. 708 00:45:49,215 --> 00:45:51,918 Legend. And it was the best. 709 00:45:51,951 --> 00:45:53,553 One. Two. Three. 710 00:45:53,586 --> 00:45:55,755 Tommy Pickles and Legend. 711 00:45:59,092 --> 00:46:00,126 So you. 712 00:46:00,160 --> 00:46:02,062 You guys only agree on cartoons? 713 00:46:02,095 --> 00:46:03,430 Yeah, it's brother stuff, right? 714 00:46:03,463 --> 00:46:04,564 It's proper brother stuff. 715 00:46:04,597 --> 00:46:07,267 You know how it is working with your brother. 716 00:46:07,300 --> 00:46:10,103 You know what it's like hosting Weekend Update 717 00:46:10,136 --> 00:46:12,339 with your biological twin brother? 718 00:46:12,372 --> 00:46:13,573 Twins. 719 00:46:13,606 --> 00:46:16,643 You. You think me and che are twins. 720 00:46:16,676 --> 00:46:19,245 Well, maybe. Yeah. 721 00:46:19,279 --> 00:46:24,484 Mom had black and white baby. Hi. 722 00:46:24,517 --> 00:46:25,285 Oh my God. 723 00:46:25,318 --> 00:46:27,187 I don't even understand why you guys 724 00:46:27,220 --> 00:46:28,355 are so mad at each other. 725 00:46:28,388 --> 00:46:31,558 Where did this feud, where did the feud actually start? 726 00:46:31,591 --> 00:46:35,495 Oh, Wembley Stadium, 1994. 727 00:46:35,528 --> 00:46:36,763 Yeah, we was weird. 728 00:46:36,796 --> 00:46:40,567 Posh spice, scary spice, stinky spice. 729 00:46:40,600 --> 00:46:42,402 We were told that we won't eat a cookie. 730 00:46:42,435 --> 00:46:44,304 No, no, no, you sent me. 731 00:46:44,337 --> 00:46:47,273 No. Bend it like Beckham Oh, yeah? 732 00:46:47,307 --> 00:46:48,074 Oh, yeah. 733 00:46:48,108 --> 00:46:50,443 How about Dubai 1995? 734 00:46:50,477 --> 00:46:52,979 Me, Steve Coogan. Dumbledore. 735 00:46:53,079 --> 00:46:54,314 You said that if I pinch me 736 00:46:54,347 --> 00:46:57,751 wiener and strain really hard, I could pee out me bum 737 00:46:57,784 --> 00:46:59,085 To two two. 738 00:47:01,254 --> 00:47:02,122 Okay. 739 00:47:02,155 --> 00:47:05,025 Guys, listen, I, 740 00:47:05,025 --> 00:47:07,861 I really need your tour to work out, okay? 741 00:47:07,894 --> 00:47:10,063 Because I already bought tickets 742 00:47:10,096 --> 00:47:13,800 and I'm about to mosh out so hard. 743 00:47:13,833 --> 00:47:18,805 Then I win White boy of the year award. 744 00:47:18,838 --> 00:47:21,241 Okay, 745 00:47:21,274 --> 00:47:21,908 so let's get. 746 00:47:21,941 --> 00:47:23,243 Back on common ground. 747 00:47:23,276 --> 00:47:26,179 There must be things you agree on besides cartoon. 748 00:47:26,212 --> 00:47:31,317 All right, you favorite sex in the city, boyfriend Steve. 749 00:47:31,351 --> 00:47:33,153 Legend 750 00:47:33,186 --> 00:47:34,120 least favorite sex in the city, boyfriend Steve. 751 00:47:34,154 --> 00:47:36,623 Boyfriend is a Mr. Big 752 00:47:36,656 --> 00:47:39,459 Legend Will Smith films. Are you? 753 00:47:39,492 --> 00:47:42,595 You know, John Legend 754 00:47:42,629 --> 00:47:45,465 Oasis everyone. 755 00:47:45,498 --> 00:47:46,633 On for a weekend update. 756 00:47:46,666 --> 00:47:49,369 I'm Colin Jost, I'm Michael Che, we're twins. 757 00:47:49,402 --> 00:47:53,073 Good night. Yeah. 758 00:48:02,282 --> 00:48:05,752 Okay, I want to say I welcome you to the Palazzo. 759 00:48:05,785 --> 00:48:06,519 Now, everybody got 760 00:48:07,587 --> 00:48:08,488 to be a little quiet, though, because at the Prince, 761 00:48:08,521 --> 00:48:09,756 you have a little something you want to say. 762 00:48:09,789 --> 00:48:13,293 Okay, grab my tail. I'll pray. Thank 763 00:48:13,326 --> 00:48:14,060 you. All I know is that a 764 00:48:14,094 --> 00:48:16,796 renaissance, and I love the music, 765 00:48:16,830 --> 00:48:19,399 but if there was anything 766 00:48:19,432 --> 00:48:21,334 that could make music even more special, 767 00:48:21,368 --> 00:48:23,737 I would have love it even more. Yes. Yeah. 768 00:48:23,770 --> 00:48:25,839 And that is why I invited the people who come up 769 00:48:25,872 --> 00:48:27,140 with the ideas for how to make it. 770 00:48:27,173 --> 00:48:29,409 The music station. 771 00:48:29,442 --> 00:48:32,045 See Prince and Games. 772 00:48:32,078 --> 00:48:35,715 I come with the loot, but I got a free neck. 773 00:48:35,749 --> 00:48:40,553 So you can have really a trade back. 774 00:48:40,587 --> 00:48:43,056 Oh, okay. 775 00:48:43,089 --> 00:48:45,925 Not so bad. Not so good. 776 00:48:45,959 --> 00:48:51,264 After, Prince Enzo, if we could just jump in here. 777 00:48:51,297 --> 00:48:54,768 Enzo, we would love for you to meet our son, Antonio. 778 00:48:54,801 --> 00:48:55,568 Yeah, yeah. 779 00:48:56,603 --> 00:48:58,071 We think you're really gonna love our son Antonio. 780 00:48:58,071 --> 00:48:59,673 He's a. Very special. 781 00:48:59,706 --> 00:49:10,016 Yeah, yeah. Antonio, come on out. 782 00:49:10,016 --> 00:49:11,051 What do you has to say to me? 783 00:49:11,084 --> 00:49:14,087 Antonio? 784 00:49:14,120 --> 00:49:16,022 Oh, is she a little shy? 785 00:49:16,056 --> 00:49:17,590 Antonio. Here. 786 00:49:17,624 --> 00:49:19,659 My show. More comfortable singing. Yeah, yeah. 787 00:49:19,693 --> 00:49:21,327 Go ahead and sing for Prince. Enzo. 788 00:49:21,361 --> 00:49:23,496 Anthony, you're going to love this song. 789 00:49:38,778 --> 00:49:39,679 How incredible is that? 790 00:49:39,713 --> 00:49:40,880 That. 791 00:49:40,914 --> 00:49:43,783 Wow. That is a very, very beautiful singing. 792 00:49:43,817 --> 00:49:47,654 And did you notice how high his voice was? 793 00:49:47,687 --> 00:49:52,425 I did, yes, yes, I was the only thing I know to sing. 794 00:49:52,459 --> 00:49:56,329 Well, what if I told you that any boy could sing like it is? 795 00:49:56,363 --> 00:50:01,401 All we had to do was have him castrated. 796 00:50:01,434 --> 00:50:03,303 I sorry, what was that? 797 00:50:03,336 --> 00:50:06,806 Antonio is what we're calling a castrato. 798 00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:10,377 It's a technique we've been, experimented with. 799 00:50:10,410 --> 00:50:12,278 Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does nothing crazy. 800 00:50:12,312 --> 00:50:15,081 You just, castrate your son. But for you. 801 00:50:15,115 --> 00:50:18,852 But it is always voice. I never drop 802 00:50:18,885 --> 00:50:21,855 With explaining this again. 803 00:50:21,888 --> 00:50:25,725 Okay, well, you know how you like a boy to sing. 804 00:50:25,759 --> 00:50:27,427 Go. Right? 805 00:50:27,460 --> 00:50:30,663 But then you go through the puberty and his voice. 806 00:50:30,697 --> 00:50:31,798 Dropping down and so. And. 807 00:50:31,831 --> 00:50:34,234 Oh, for a castrato, that never going to happen. 808 00:50:34,267 --> 00:50:36,136 Show him. Anthony. Yeah. 809 00:50:36,169 --> 00:50:38,405 No no no no no no. 810 00:50:38,438 --> 00:50:41,941 He mean show them with the song. 811 00:50:44,778 --> 00:50:47,180 Oh I mean Garba 812 00:50:47,213 --> 00:50:51,284 and that that is like 813 00:50:51,317 --> 00:50:52,952 that is like a an angel. 814 00:50:52,986 --> 00:50:55,622 Hey, we are so proud of you. 815 00:50:55,655 --> 00:50:58,925 Anthony are so proud. Anthony. No. 816 00:50:58,958 --> 00:51:02,062 And 817 00:51:02,062 --> 00:51:03,797 You like that? You did this to him? 818 00:51:03,830 --> 00:51:06,099 Oh, you mean the castration? 819 00:51:06,132 --> 00:51:07,834 Yes. I think you know, he. I mean the case. 820 00:51:07,867 --> 00:51:09,369 The castration 821 00:51:09,402 --> 00:51:10,904 To be perfectly honest, I don't know if. 822 00:51:10,937 --> 00:51:12,739 And don't you even notice the castration? 823 00:51:12,772 --> 00:51:14,708 Did you notice the castration? Antonio? 824 00:51:17,277 --> 00:51:18,078 Antonio 825 00:51:18,078 --> 00:51:20,980 The castration, was it, fine or not? 826 00:51:21,081 --> 00:51:21,948 So fine. 827 00:51:21,981 --> 00:51:24,117 No fun? 828 00:51:24,150 --> 00:51:24,984 Not so fine. 829 00:51:25,085 --> 00:51:26,386 You know, I think you just don't like at 830 00:51:26,419 --> 00:51:28,154 the thought you prefer to see. 831 00:51:28,188 --> 00:51:30,590 No, I think he is fair enough for that. 832 00:51:30,623 --> 00:51:31,624 I. Because you you cut that. 833 00:51:31,658 --> 00:51:33,727 He's nuts off 834 00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:36,296 Oh, no no no no, it's not. 835 00:51:36,329 --> 00:51:37,297 Like that at all. 836 00:51:37,330 --> 00:51:38,498 No, we're not the monster. 837 00:51:38,531 --> 00:51:40,433 We never cut off a nothing. 838 00:51:40,467 --> 00:51:42,102 Oh, well, that's so good. 839 00:51:42,102 --> 00:51:44,504 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we never cut. 840 00:51:44,537 --> 00:51:46,840 We just twist. 841 00:51:51,678 --> 00:51:54,280 we twist 842 00:51:54,314 --> 00:51:58,018 I hey, sorry, I, twist, I see, you see, 843 00:51:58,118 --> 00:51:59,219 we we just, I take it a boy 844 00:51:59,252 --> 00:52:03,189 when he eight or a nine year old and we put him into a coma. 845 00:52:03,223 --> 00:52:06,259 Opium induced coma 846 00:52:06,292 --> 00:52:10,063 when, comes, are the Joe. 847 00:52:10,063 --> 00:52:11,898 Well, opium induced coma. 848 00:52:11,931 --> 00:52:12,966 I see you see that I 849 00:52:13,066 --> 00:52:16,069 we take a little gonad and we just type it. 850 00:52:16,069 --> 00:52:18,204 and we twist 851 00:52:18,238 --> 00:52:20,774 we twist 852 00:52:20,807 --> 00:52:23,309 twist 853 00:52:23,343 --> 00:52:26,446 twist and that we stammer until the little gonad 854 00:52:26,479 --> 00:52:29,649 that it basically that pop right off easy. 855 00:52:29,683 --> 00:52:32,752 Then it'll go on I give up. 856 00:52:32,786 --> 00:52:34,921 I want to be on that no more. 857 00:52:34,954 --> 00:52:37,190 And then two week later, Antonio wake up. 858 00:52:37,223 --> 00:52:40,994 And he got a beautiful, high pitched singing voice forever. 859 00:52:41,094 --> 00:52:44,497 Right, Antonio? Yep. 860 00:52:44,531 --> 00:52:45,632 Can I ask, 861 00:52:45,665 --> 00:52:47,434 what do you do with the gonad out after the pop off 862 00:52:47,467 --> 00:52:50,704 Oh, we put it in the icebox in case we ever want to reverse 863 00:52:50,737 --> 00:52:53,106 an operation. You did? 864 00:52:53,106 --> 00:52:56,676 But the the dog, 865 00:52:56,710 --> 00:53:01,147 he learned that how to open up the icebox, 866 00:53:01,181 --> 00:53:04,718 And, he make a big meal out of the gonad, and and. 867 00:53:04,751 --> 00:53:07,754 Now the dog, he bark like this. 868 00:53:07,787 --> 00:53:12,859 You and I have a question. 869 00:53:12,892 --> 00:53:21,501 There's a will. Yes. Kenan. 870 00:53:21,534 --> 00:53:22,168 Does. 871 00:53:23,069 --> 00:53:24,604 Anthony. All right. The the music also. 872 00:53:24,637 --> 00:53:26,072 He does, he does. 873 00:53:26,072 --> 00:53:26,873 Antonio, 874 00:53:26,906 --> 00:53:28,475 you want to share the original song 875 00:53:28,508 --> 00:53:30,477 you wrote about the golden experience? 876 00:53:30,510 --> 00:53:31,978 That's all right. 877 00:53:32,078 --> 00:53:33,747 Come on, 878 00:53:33,780 --> 00:53:35,915 come on, baby. Please. 879 00:53:35,949 --> 00:53:38,084 twist and shout 880 00:53:38,084 --> 00:53:40,887 twist and shout 881 00:53:40,920 --> 00:53:43,556 Come on, baby. 882 00:53:59,005 --> 00:54:05,612 >>> ONCE AGAIN, STEVIE NICKS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 883 00:54:05,612 --> 00:54:13,853 ** * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE 884 00:54:13,853 --> 00:54:19,592 SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO-WHOO-WHOO 885 00:54:19,592 --> 00:54:23,930 JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG * 886 00:54:23,930 --> 00:54:32,505 * SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO-WHOO-WHOO * * AND THE DAYS GO BY 887 00:54:32,505 --> 00:54:38,978 LIKE A STRAND IN THE WIND IN THE WEB THAT IS MY OWN * * I BEGIN AGAIN 888 00:54:38,978 --> 00:54:48,355 SAID TO MY FRIEND YOU KNOW NOTHIN' ELSE MATTERED * 889 00:54:48,355 --> 00:54:56,196 * HE WAS NO MORE HE WAS NO MORE THAN A BABY THEN * 890 00:54:56,196 --> 00:55:00,533 * WELL WELL HE SEEMED BROKENHEARTED IT WAS SOMETHIN' 891 00:55:00,533 --> 00:55:12,412 WITHIN HIM * * BUT THE MOMENT THAT I FIRST LAID 892 00:55:12,412 --> 00:55:18,385 EYES ON HIM * * ALL ALONE SOMEWHERE JUST OUT ON THE EDGE OF 893 00:55:18,385 --> 00:55:24,824 SEVENTEEN * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE 894 00:55:24,824 --> 00:55:31,264 SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO-WHOO-WHOO 895 00:55:31,264 --> 00:55:35,068 JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG * 896 00:55:35,068 --> 00:55:44,144 * SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO-WHOO-WHOO * * WELL THEN SUDDENLY 897 00:55:44,144 --> 00:55:49,549 THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT STANDING IN THE HALL * 898 00:55:49,549 --> 00:55:53,853 * WELL WELL IN A FLOOD OF TEARS THAT NO ONE REALLY 899 00:55:53,853 --> 00:56:01,428 EVER HEARD FALL * * WHEN I WENT SEARCHIN' FOR AN ANSWER 900 00:56:01,428 --> 00:56:06,266 UP THE STAIRS AND DOWN THE HALL * * I DID NOT FIND AN ANSWER 901 00:56:06,266 --> 00:56:14,307 JUST TO HEAR THE CALL OF A NIGHTBIRD SINGIN' * * COME AWAY SOMEHOW 902 00:56:14,307 --> 00:56:16,443 COME AWAY COME AWAY * * JUST LIKE THE 903 00:56:16,443 --> 00:56:21,815 WHITE-WINGED DOVE SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * 904 00:56:21,815 --> 00:56:26,686 * WHOO BABY WHOO SAID WHOO JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE 905 00:56:26,686 --> 00:56:32,058 SINGS A SONG * * SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' WHOO BABY WHOO 906 00:56:32,058 --> 00:56:36,363 SAID WHOO * * WELL I HEAR YOU WELL I HEAR YOU 907 00:56:36,363 --> 00:56:39,532 IN THE MORNING IN THE MORNING * * AND I HEAR YOU 908 00:56:39,532 --> 00:56:45,472 AND I HEAR YOU AT NIGHTFALL AT NIGHTFALL * 909 00:56:45,472 --> 00:56:56,149 * SOMETIME TO BE NEAR YOU IS TO BE UNABLE TO HEAR YOU 910 00:56:56,149 --> 00:57:02,622 MY LOVE * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE 911 00:57:02,622 --> 00:57:06,893 SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' * * WHOO BABY WHOO 912 00:57:06,893 --> 00:57:11,231 SAID WHOO * * JUST LIKE THE WHITE-WINGED DOVE 913 00:57:11,231 --> 00:57:14,434 SINGS A SONG SOUNDS LIKE SHE'S SINGIN' IT TO YOU * 914 00:57:14,434 --> 00:57:22,475 * WHOO BABY WHOO SAID WHOO I HEAR THE CALL 915 00:57:22,475 --> 00:57:32,152 OF A NIGHTBIRD * ** * I STILL HEAR THE CALL OF A 916 00:57:32,152 --> 00:57:43,563 NIGHT BIRD * ** ** 917 00:57:43,563 --> 00:58:00,180 * I KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN DOVES CRY * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 918 00:58:08,688 --> 00:58:12,225 Jennifer Coolidge for Maybelline. 919 00:58:12,258 --> 00:58:15,829 Oh, gosh. Kai. 920 00:58:15,862 --> 00:58:16,496 Maybelline. 921 00:58:16,529 --> 00:58:17,263 New super 922 00:58:18,365 --> 00:58:21,835 stay long where liquid lip color goes on like a dream. 923 00:58:21,868 --> 00:58:23,136 I better look in the mirror 924 00:58:23,169 --> 00:58:27,173 and make sure I didn't miss any fun. 925 00:58:27,207 --> 00:58:30,143 Wow, you look really rich. 926 00:58:30,176 --> 00:58:31,378 Really? 927 00:58:31,411 --> 00:58:33,747 Me? I do. 928 00:58:33,780 --> 00:58:35,181 Heck yeah. 929 00:58:35,215 --> 00:58:39,219 Thanks to Maybelline's Longwear liquid lip color. 930 00:58:39,252 --> 00:58:40,387 Thanks. 931 00:58:40,420 --> 00:58:43,590 I've got a big date tonight, and I'm counting on Maybelline 932 00:58:43,623 --> 00:58:48,628 Liquid Lip Lum lip to seal the deal. 933 00:58:48,661 --> 00:58:50,363 Should we put on some more? 934 00:58:50,397 --> 00:58:52,832 Absolutely. 935 00:58:52,866 --> 00:58:56,736 Whoa. 936 00:58:56,770 --> 00:58:58,938 What are we going to talk about on our date? 937 00:58:58,972 --> 00:59:01,007 I don't know. 938 00:59:01,007 --> 00:59:04,744 What's a good conversation starter? 939 00:59:04,778 --> 00:59:07,681 Lemon? 940 00:59:07,714 --> 00:59:09,282 Heck, yes. 941 00:59:09,315 --> 00:59:12,852 What topics should we avoid? 942 00:59:12,886 --> 00:59:15,088 Fish. 943 00:59:15,121 --> 00:59:16,056 The banter. 944 00:59:16,089 --> 00:59:18,558 The animal. 945 00:59:18,591 --> 00:59:21,695 There's an animal called fish. 946 00:59:21,728 --> 00:59:23,830 Yeah. 947 00:59:23,863 --> 00:59:25,765 What will we say if our data source. 948 00:59:25,799 --> 00:59:28,668 If we could have any superpower? 949 00:59:28,702 --> 00:59:31,638 Crab walk. 950 00:59:31,671 --> 00:59:32,038 That. 951 00:59:32,038 --> 00:59:37,277 Give me one. 952 00:59:37,310 --> 00:59:38,912 You can meet anyone, living or dead. 953 00:59:38,945 --> 00:59:41,281 Who would it be? 954 00:59:41,314 --> 00:59:44,050 Living. 955 00:59:44,050 --> 00:59:45,285 Wow. You can't help. 956 00:59:45,318 --> 00:59:47,320 It sound smart when you're wearing Maybelline. 957 00:59:47,354 --> 00:59:49,589 Let's say the name together. Yeah. 958 00:59:49,622 --> 00:59:53,426 Maybelline color. 959 00:59:53,460 --> 00:59:54,828 Wear. Maybelline. 960 00:59:54,861 --> 00:59:55,328 Never. 961 00:59:55,362 --> 00:59:59,632 Maybelline. Hey, 962 00:59:59,666 --> 01:00:01,835 I think the smears smudge. 963 01:00:01,868 --> 01:00:02,969 Hang on. 964 01:00:03,003 --> 01:00:06,272 Let's see if this helps. 965 01:00:06,306 --> 01:00:08,575 Oh, Yeah. 966 01:00:08,608 --> 01:00:10,543 More, a little more. 967 01:00:10,577 --> 01:00:13,013 Oh. It's so. 968 01:00:13,046 --> 01:00:15,348 Oh, it's so definite. 969 01:00:15,382 --> 01:00:17,083 Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. 970 01:00:17,117 --> 01:00:18,118 Oh, better. 971 01:00:18,151 --> 01:00:21,287 Yeah. 972 01:00:21,321 --> 01:00:23,323 How to wipe it down. 973 01:00:23,356 --> 01:00:27,260 Hey, I wonder what our lips look like from the side. 974 01:00:27,293 --> 01:00:28,528 Let me fold out this. 975 01:00:28,561 --> 01:00:30,630 Part of the mirror. 976 01:00:30,663 --> 01:00:37,804 Yeah. Wow. 977 01:00:37,837 --> 01:00:40,373 Thank God you opened the mirror. 978 01:00:40,407 --> 01:00:43,410 I've been trapped in here for years. 979 01:00:43,443 --> 01:00:45,378 No. It's okay. 980 01:00:45,412 --> 01:00:46,279 Look. Great. 981 01:00:46,312 --> 01:00:49,282 I'm Jennifer Coolidge. 982 01:00:49,315 --> 01:00:52,485 Oh, hey, maybe we need more longwear. 983 01:00:52,519 --> 01:00:56,690 Liquid lip color, long lasting mouth magic. 984 01:00:56,723 --> 01:00:57,457 Yeah. 985 01:00:57,490 --> 01:01:00,560 Yeah. Oh. 986 01:01:00,593 --> 01:01:02,796 Oh. Okay. 987 01:01:02,829 --> 01:01:06,099 Oh, my 988 01:01:06,132 --> 01:01:07,567 God, I'm so. 989 01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:08,501 There you go. 990 01:01:08,535 --> 01:01:11,805 Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. 991 01:01:11,838 --> 01:01:15,542 So, are we going to kiss this guy tonight? 992 01:01:15,575 --> 01:01:17,377 I hope so. 993 01:01:17,410 --> 01:01:19,446 Hey, you need a little bit more? 994 01:01:19,479 --> 01:01:21,748 I got a really chill amount. 995 01:01:21,781 --> 01:01:24,084 All right, girls, it's about time. 996 01:01:24,084 --> 01:01:25,118 Are you ready? 997 01:01:25,151 --> 01:01:26,920 Yeah. 998 01:01:26,953 --> 01:01:29,689 Oh. Okay. 999 01:01:29,723 --> 01:01:30,890 Oh. Oh. 1000 01:01:30,924 --> 01:01:35,128 Thanks to Maybelline lip lasting long lip color. 1001 01:01:35,161 --> 01:01:37,731 Ultimate lumbar gloss color. 1002 01:01:37,764 --> 01:01:42,502 Liquid lip color. Wow. 1003 01:02:06,726 --> 01:02:08,561 Make it a Tom Collins, would you? 1004 01:02:08,595 --> 01:02:13,066 And don't be stingy with the cotton varnish. 1005 01:02:13,066 --> 01:02:13,700 Well, then. 1006 01:02:13,733 --> 01:02:15,869 Well, aren't you a hamburger? 1007 01:02:15,902 --> 01:02:17,103 Cheese? 1008 01:02:17,137 --> 01:02:18,738 You from out of town, slugger? 1009 01:02:18,772 --> 01:02:22,776 Gosh, I sure am all by myself in the big city. 1010 01:02:22,809 --> 01:02:25,178 This place is crazy. 1011 01:02:25,211 --> 01:02:25,578 You sure? 1012 01:02:26,179 --> 01:02:27,080 I said a mouthful, Buster. 1013 01:02:27,113 --> 01:02:27,981 This town is greener 1014 01:02:29,115 --> 01:02:31,151 than a couple of waltzer mice can get off a lonely tomb. 1015 01:02:31,184 --> 01:02:32,352 Don't I know it? 1016 01:02:32,385 --> 01:02:34,721 But my wife is all the way in Wichita. 1017 01:02:34,754 --> 01:02:35,989 Wichita? 1018 01:02:36,089 --> 01:02:39,492 So you're just a lonely flapjack without anybody. 1019 01:02:39,526 --> 01:02:40,860 I think you should take me upstairs 1020 01:02:40,894 --> 01:02:43,296 and we can all let it out. What do you say? 1021 01:02:43,329 --> 01:02:46,866 Well, golly gee, I'd love to do that, but 1022 01:02:46,900 --> 01:02:48,234 I'm afraid we're not going upstairs. 1023 01:02:48,268 --> 01:02:50,570 You're going downtown? 1024 01:02:50,603 --> 01:02:52,739 Oh. That's right. Tuts. 1025 01:02:52,772 --> 01:02:54,274 I'm the hotel detective in this joint. 1026 01:02:54,307 --> 01:02:56,710 Pays me to keep dames like you off the premises. 1027 01:02:56,743 --> 01:02:57,310 So let's go. 1028 01:02:57,344 --> 01:02:57,844 Come on. 1029 01:02:59,112 --> 01:03:00,413 Boy, how do you like my rotten luck of all the stinking hotels 1030 01:03:00,447 --> 01:03:01,414 of the hotel detective? 1031 01:03:01,448 --> 01:03:02,415 I got to walk into the one where 1032 01:03:02,449 --> 01:03:04,250 Sam Stanley is a hotel detective. 1033 01:03:04,284 --> 01:03:06,186 Wait, how'd you know? 1034 01:03:06,219 --> 01:03:07,954 How did I know that your name is Sam Stanley. 1035 01:03:08,054 --> 01:03:08,788 Sam. Stanley? 1036 01:03:08,822 --> 01:03:09,589 Well, that's because what 1037 01:03:10,790 --> 01:03:11,925 you put on your application form to become a hotel detective. 1038 01:03:11,958 --> 01:03:16,529 An application form that was denied. 1039 01:03:16,563 --> 01:03:17,497 That's right. 1040 01:03:17,530 --> 01:03:18,064 Because I'm the 1041 01:03:19,232 --> 01:03:22,369 Bureau of Hotel Management and the Division of Detectives. 1042 01:03:22,402 --> 01:03:23,837 I'm taking you in for a hotel, detective. 1043 01:03:23,870 --> 01:03:24,471 Without a license or. 1044 01:03:24,504 --> 01:03:26,072 A blast at all. 1045 01:03:26,106 --> 01:03:27,941 Barkeep, put those drinks on my tab. 1046 01:03:27,974 --> 01:03:30,210 Up on my tab. Pass. You don't catch my drift. 1047 01:03:30,243 --> 01:03:34,414 Well, I love to put those drinks on your tab, but 1048 01:03:34,447 --> 01:03:37,083 I'm afraid that won't be happening. 1049 01:03:37,083 --> 01:03:39,352 No. Oh, yes. 1050 01:03:39,386 --> 01:03:42,389 You see, I'm from the Bureau of Hotel Detectives. 1051 01:03:42,422 --> 01:03:45,258 Management division detectives, internal affairs. 1052 01:03:45,291 --> 01:03:48,161 And you are guilty of misusing your expense account? 1053 01:03:48,194 --> 01:03:49,396 Well, you can't do this to me. 1054 01:03:49,429 --> 01:03:51,731 I'll be ruined someday. Finito. Kaput. 1055 01:03:51,765 --> 01:03:53,199 You see, I'll be living in the birdcage. 1056 01:03:53,233 --> 01:03:55,135 Tell it to the judge, lady. 1057 01:03:55,168 --> 01:03:58,538 How about I tell it to you upstairs? 1058 01:03:58,571 --> 01:03:59,606 I'm listening. 1059 01:03:59,639 --> 01:04:04,310 I'm afraid neither of you is goi 1060 01:04:04,344 --> 01:04:05,612 That's just like fun. 1061 01:04:05,645 --> 01:04:06,680 That's no good. 1062 01:04:06,713 --> 01:04:08,782 No, but this one is. 1063 01:04:08,815 --> 01:04:09,416 That's right. 1064 01:04:09,449 --> 01:04:10,517 My name is not Sam Stanley. 1065 01:04:10,550 --> 01:04:12,352 It's stamp Stanley. 1066 01:04:12,385 --> 01:04:15,055 The Bureau of Hotel Management detectives, internal affairs 1067 01:04:15,088 --> 01:04:15,922 oversight chief. 1068 01:04:15,955 --> 01:04:17,290 The same. Yes. 1069 01:04:17,323 --> 01:04:19,626 We long suspected the expense account to the Bureau of Hotel 1070 01:04:19,659 --> 01:04:21,394 Detective's management division were being misused 1071 01:04:21,428 --> 01:04:23,329 in a sexual favors for clemency arrangement 1072 01:04:23,363 --> 01:04:25,265 with the Bureau of Hotel Detectives, management Division. 1073 01:04:25,298 --> 01:04:27,867 Detectives, internal affairs. And this proves it. 1074 01:04:27,901 --> 01:04:28,468 Come on. 1075 01:04:28,501 --> 01:04:34,074 We're all going downtown. 1076 01:04:34,074 --> 01:04:34,641 Submitted for. 1077 01:04:34,674 --> 01:04:35,809 Your consideration. 1078 01:04:35,842 --> 01:04:36,876 A nightmare world 1079 01:04:36,910 --> 01:04:40,080 of concentric spheres of hotel detective bureaucracy. 1080 01:04:40,080 --> 01:04:43,583 Also, this is purgatory, and they're all dead. 1081 01:04:43,616 --> 01:04:45,452 Did we sell that? 1082 01:04:45,485 --> 01:04:47,587 Doesn't really feel like 1083 01:04:47,620 --> 01:04:47,854 this. 1084 01:04:48,855 --> 01:04:50,123 Would have not flown any time before season five. 1085 01:04:50,156 --> 01:04:52,859 But what do you expect from the 604th episode of 1086 01:05:05,805 --> 01:05:14,247 >>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, STEVIE NICKS! 1087 01:05:14,247 --> 01:05:19,886 HAPPY 99th BIRTHDAY, MY NONA. I LOVE YOU. MUAH! 1088 01:05:19,886 --> 01:05:26,659 **