Good evening. For ABC news, I'm David Muir.
is it kind of handsome in here? is I had hoped the takeawayere?
but unfortunately it wasd
towards the Democrats. Which, duh.
we'll be going live to rallies from both candidates tonight.
to Vice President Kamala Harris.
Hello. Oh. Well, well, well.
coconut tree. cocoWell,ree.
you're funny aunt has returned. The funt has been rebooted. 242 furious.
in whatever swing state in whateI'm in,ng state
which I will just refer to as Wisconsapennsylvageorgia as Because I am going togia
protect your vageorgia
You see, my campaign is like the Sabrina
Carpenbut the viberesso.
slaps. And sure, I like to laugh, I do. But let me tell you something.
gonna hit you with one of these.
Now, now, this election is about moving
Trump is stuck in the past.
to my husband, Doug, when he leaves his phone
at the Chili's. We are not going back.
Yeah. And you know.
a running mate who agrees. Come on out here, coach Waltz
Hey hey hey hey.
Whoa! You folks,
on a leaf blower from menards.
What can I say? I got that BDE big dad energy. I And see what I did. There.y.
You get it? I got it. I didn't want it, but I got it.
and Vance are weird, all right? andThey want the governmentght?
and what books you read.
You know. In Minnesota, we have a saying. Mind your damn business.
in Minnesota. My nuts froze to the park bench.
I got and asked me to be.folks.
Her vice president, I said. yeah, this is personal for me.
I I need the money..
This suit is from Costco.
It's a Kirkland brand. They make great dog food.
Thank you. Tim. Oh. Thank you. Wow. You are wow.
What a loud and, loud treasure. Okay, we love him.
Bfor Harris here today.,
who's given me so much,
and a very Brooklyn daughter.
It's my husband. teach me how you teach me,
teach me,
teach me.
Oh ho ho!
Tis I, Doug. The second gentleman,
also known as Charlie Brown. If he was a grown up.
Guys, how amazing is Kamala? I mean. Look at her.
do I go to. One of those movies where Seth
Rogen dates Charlize Theron's.
How did I get this woman?
what the right says about me.
Justsupporting his wife.getic
a wife guy, a trad who
a little spoon. Well, you know what?
who we call mom in my family. whoNot sure if I mentionedly.
that become president.
Being a little spoon. Then you can cut my little butt.
Because I am proud to join the esteemed list
of pwomen and men.ouses
by the president's side.
And I,for Christmas.t wait
The theme will be Hanukkah.
Yeah. She cleared up.
if anyone on the right tries
remember, I'm from LA Boston.
smack the taste
out your nephew.
me and K is la to the bay.
Trick. Don't start. No stuff.
Won't be no stuff. Donald Duck. Turkey. We're not going to do that
tonstates. Okay.ht?
hotshot. Yep. Sorry, my sweet.
song, everyone. Oh, my goodness.
How and a beautiful home.an?
And if you try to enter my home, I will shoot you.
from New York and California,
please close your ears. I have a gun.
A cool one. All right, come on back.
New York and California. Now let's get. Crazy sexy, cool
and play some TLC.
Yeah. Well, certainly seems like a
with Donald Trump at his rally,
hour.
going?
but the doors are locked.
Come on back. We're having fun. We love my rallies.
Except when someone does it. Bing bing bing bing bing. Right at me.
Yof the radical left.ed
for inciting violence
calling the kettle black. But frankly,
was black until very recently. I thought the kettle was Indian,
to turn black. I missed Joe Biden.
No, Joe. We missed Joe Biden, folks. What we wouldn't give to have
him stand next to me and be old.
but then they did a switch
Biden with scannable.
And now everything is chaos. They're eating the dogs.
and they're doing freak offs.
doing freak offs with the dogs
watch. It's very sad.
They're doing it dirty, and that's what I'm told
by my running mate, JD Vance.
pick, and in many ways he was.
JD, come on up. Ha ha. Thank you. Chris.
Thank you.
I bet he's he's.
That's fun anyway. Hello? Hello. It is, JD Vance.
Donald Trump? You're just. This afternoon.
you're like a son to me because I don't like you,
and I'm stuck with you. I'm sure you've all heard Iwhat the liberal mediard
has been saying about me. I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What theI'm doing here.g here?
Getting this crowd hyped. Yeah. You guys are awesome. Yeah,
yeah. Swing and a miss. The top platform.
It's called project 2025. And oh we apologize. The Trump campaign is asking us
to cuPresident Harris,ally
to be wrapping up.
that's whole oh, man, that felt good.
think I'm black.
Okay, listen up, everyone. We couldn't have gotten here
without one man.
And his name is Joe Biden.
Get on out here to Biden. Oh.
Oh, that's right. A lot of people forget I'm
president, including me. But guess what? And by the way.
I ththan president history. job.
we still got work to do. we stillNo, Joe,k to do.
I mean, serious right now on a guess what? And by the way.
The pay their fair share., I,
They got to pay his fair share. We got to build back better. WThe build back, the better,
the better capitalism.
It's not bother to buy.
Thank you, thank you. And I just want to say
I just want to. Say thank you, Joe Biden. Thank you for putting country
first and for handing over the reins. I didn't. Want to.
They made me. And guess what?
And by the way, in fact, matter is no joke. You serious right now?
Harris is the same. Oh, okay.
thank you so much.
Thank you. All right. Goodbye Joe Biden. Biden everyone. Now.
And you're great. Now listen. Listen. All right.
We got to stay focused, okay? And let me tell you something. If we win together,
we can end the drama. And the trauma and go relax in our pajamas.
Because if there's one thing I know back, it's back.
You want it?
Yeah. Come on. In. Okay. Hey. Hey, there. Is that nice?
Very guy. Okay. Hi, there. Okay.
I don't know. Oh, yeah.
one more thing. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Live from New York. It's Saturday night.
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
MUSICAL GUEST, JELLY ROLL. AND YOUR HOST, JEAN SMART.
MUSICAL GUEST, JELLY ROLL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JEAN SMART!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so. So very much. I can't tell you how honored I am
to be hosting the premiere episode of season 50.
It truly is. Incredible to be here.
and had hundreds of people clap for me in days.
I remember watching the very
and thinking, someday
I'm going to host that show. And this is the first Saturday that worked with my schedule.
to be in New York, even though I'm not from here.
my career in show business. Oh my piano.
I was wondering where I put the,
Thank you. I moved to New York in my 20s
and remember the first play I did. It was an
off, off, off, off Broadway jersey, actually, I think,
of New York as home, even though I have a much nicer
home in L.A.. I happen to like New York. I happen to love this town.
I like the city air. I like to drink of it. The more I know of New York,
and even the stink of it.
I happen to like New York, especially this time of year. I love Autumn in New York.
is finally changing colors. Beautiful, beautiful.
in the news. I didn't read it.
good. I have to like New York.
I happen to like this town. I started my career in New York around the same timein New York
it was live.ht Live started.
for Saturday Night laughs. And then I watched the
that can't be right. I happen to like New York.
was all lesbian characters.me.
fans, and apparently I do
someone said, oh, it's true.ld.
woman's podcast?
She wants to date you? And I thought, cool, at least I have options.
But I gotta say, I just love this city. There's nowhere else on earth
where people have come
from around the world to be who they want to be.
I happen to like New York. I like its diversity. I often ask myself,y.
come so far from across the sea.
because they agree with me. They happen to like New York.
We happen to like New York. I happen to like New York.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT! JELLY ROLL IS HERE!
SO STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
be in the lobby in the dentist
Show Network.
Okay. Welcome, welcome, welcome to.
Celebrity Edition. I am your host, Michael Strahan.
celebrity contestants.as busy.
of the summer. The somehow famous
for one sentence, Hailey Welch. Do you spit on that thang? That's the one. Yup.
are you supporting today? I will be donating my winnings
a year from now.
Myself. Of course. well, today,
champ Crazy Tanya.ide
Headaches. I know that documentary. that documentary made me seem
crazy, but that's all for TV. I'm a normal lady. And, who thatlady.
you got on your shoulders there? This is my husband. Super duper.
joining us after is roughly 1000 Latin Grammy wins. Is the pop
star Bad Bunny. How are you feeling, Benito? Well, I got another.
too famous to be here right now.
with LeBron and DiCaprio, and now I'm and DiCaprio,
next to the lady who. Making love to the monkey. Where your partner today has
on a pornographic website.ently
North Carolina, mark Robinson. Oh, come on, man.
That was I. I ain't come in. On all them amazing pornos.
Nothing amazing. Makes me feel like you did it. All right.
but that ain't me. I mean, what was my username
with the coolest usernames.
The teams are set round one.
and Bad Bunny. Let's go to the pyramid
for your categories. okay. I want in the club.
Bobby, I love the club. I'm a real man. I. Bobby, Sarge.
you are one sexual fellow.
you will be given the clues.
and begin. okay.
you do in the club. cheat on your wife. Well.
on you, you go to jail. myself on my personal cell phone
and you go for a ride.
the website. Nude Africa fast.
but you always regret it.
on a pornographic website. Wow. That was an absolutely
brutal performance. What happened out there, Mark? guess I got a got my own stuff
going on. Yeah, that's. You do.
you think you could beat that?m.
categories.bad.
Ooh, wait. Okay, let's go with things. Baby's knee.
right. 30s on the clock and begin. that thing they.
Put in their mouth. Banana pants. Oh, where they sleep? cage. Big blast case.
if you had an accident. The loft is big blast case.
when they're upset throw feces to campus,
because she got a new haircut. Hey. Oh, my.
please. Please. All right.
get their food. Oh, breastfeeding
Oh, right at the buzzer. I thought we were about to have the first game with
thinking about human babies.t,
amazing celebrities, including,
sharpshooter Yousef de catch. Tell the monkeyusef de catch.
to stop looking at me. oh. We will be right back after I de-escalatet back
the situation.
may be good on Wall Street,
communities are struggling. Closed stores, shuttered
easy to feel like no one cares.
But help is on the way. Because when others leave, we show up.
We don't see a dead end town. We don't see an abandoned Kmart. We see a spirit,
a spirit Halloween.
Halloween has been helping
in every vacantcommunities
for six weeks and then bouncing. And next to us
where a murder happenedmned
business where a murder. Happened.
providing vulnerable communities with the things they needunities
and costumes of famousu a rash,
just enough to avoid a lawsuit.
buildings.
by creating six week jobs for some of America's
hardest hit perverts. I below, before I ring you up. Are you over 18 years old?
legally allowed to talk to you. So let me grab
to help you out, okay? I'm so
looking me good though. And the best part is, we're able to help
a new location in minutes.ime
communities,ween.
also making dreams come true. Excuse me, do you have a Taylor
Swift costume? You bet. This isn't Taylor Swift,
when you need us, we'll be here.
we're goneeks.
junk will be in a dumpster. Spiritill be in a dumpster.
Halloween coming and going soon.
to interrupt, but the writer.
here. Oh. Thank you. Send her in.
we don't wear t shirts here.
Read this review. Oh, good morning, everyone. Hi.
Hi. Barbara Berkman. Hi. Hi. Thank you so much for coming in. Oh, it's about my book,oming in.
the new bath book.
You asked me to write. it is about that. Yes. You know,ut that. Yes.
when you asked me to do this, I said, Is Barbara Berkman really coming out of retirement
is romance novels?ok
some advanced copiesid.
the entire manuscript. And.fore
well, there was some concern, especially
are the most fun to write.
the one at the top of page 96?
Well, okay. See?
96. Okay, okay. William has five apples
and the body of a god.
as he bit into the apple flesh.
running down his muscled neck and into the forbidden mystery
his sweat stained undershirt. How many apples doesdershirt.
that your style of romance
into this textbook. Really?
I don't see how. well, read the next one. Okay.
of the Italian, losing herself,
with the hands of a gorilla.
body that hadn't been explored. What's four minus six?
Yeah. I mean,
that's not appropriate. How?
don't like math.
I made it cool. I made the cover. Cool. Look.
Yeah, yeah, we we do. See, that's the problem.
the next one, please?like that.
Okay.
considered being with a woman.
to bosom with Lady Harrington. I thought we were going to here
replied. Fine.h, Clarissa said,
you out of those panties.
That's not even a math problem. It is. These are gold.
What is 67 plus two? Father Norris asked. 69? Clarissa said with a smirk.
said as he spun her around
on the lazy Susan.
Girl, you cannot talk like that. And and what is the.
Deal with Clarissa? She's so easy. Oh, okay.
If you don't like Clarissa. There's one without her. Let's go skinny dipping,
Roderick said, unbuttoning Clifford's shirt. Well, peoplehirt.
ripping off his tuxedo
last into the seat. Write down your favorite number.
an AP algebra book, not write down
last?favorite number.
And I miss Clarissa. Well, then give me an example
of what it is you want me to write. It took Thomas ten minutes
longer to do his math homework than history. If he spent two hours,
how long did he spend on math?
Anyone? Hart, I know I'm not wrong.
and they just want smart.s.
Fine, fine. Here. Here's some math porn.
All right. Earl opened the car door
and his dong hit the driveway. Wow. Clarissa said. That thing's going to kill me.
How many tires are on a car? You know we can't publish this. But I do applaud the returnhis.
of Clarissa. So what happens now? I get fired.
again, but the school's called. The math scoresschool's called.
are through the roof.
well.
I guess we were very wrong.
Looks like romance isn't dead. And just wait for the sequel.
Oh, hello, Clarissa.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JELLY ROLL!
** * I LET YOU DRIVE AROUND MY MIND *
* I CAN'T COUNT THE TIMES YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I'M NOTHING *
* PLAYED ME LIKE A FOOL LIKE A FOOL * * SAYING
DRINK ANOTHER WHISKEY POP ANOTHER PILL MONEY MAKES YOU HAPPY *
* HEAVEN ISN'T REAL YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY TO LOVE *
* BECAUSE YOUR HEART'S TOO BROKE * * NOW I KNOW
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A LIAR * * YEAH I WALK RIGHT
OUT THE FIRE * * YEAH THEY TRY TO BRING ME DOWN
TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND * * I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD
IN MY BED WHEN I'M DREAMIN' * * YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND
BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE * * OH AND NOW I AIN'T SCARED OF TELLIN' YOU WHERE
YOU CAN GO * * LOOK I KNOW YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR
YOU BURNED ME ONE TOO MANY TIMES * * YOU'RE LIKE THE DEVIL
IN DISGUISE HIDING YOUR TRUE COLORS JUST LEAVE ME ALONE *
* KEEP LEADING ME ON DRINK ANOTHER WHISKEY POP ANOTHER PILL
MONEY MAKES YOU HAPPY * * HEAVEN ISN'T REAL YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY
TO LOVE * * BECAUSE YOUR HEART'S TOO BROKE *
* OH I KNOW YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' BUT A LIAR *
* YEAH I WALK RIGHT OUT THE FIRE YEAH THEY TRY TO
BRING ME DOWN * * TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER *
* I HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD IN MY BED WHEN I'M
DREAMIN' * * YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE *
* OH AND NOW I AIN'T SCARED OF TELLIN' YOU WHERE YOU CAN GO
LOOK I KNOW * >> TAG OVER AT JACK ON THE GUITAR TONIGHT.
JACK. AND WE'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," BABY!
** ** * IF I WAS DOIN' WHAT YOU DO
THEN YOU WOULD SWEAR I POISONED YOU * * YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR
LIAR * * YEAH I WALK RIGHT OUT THE FIRE
FIRE * * YEAH YOU TRY TO KEEP ME DOWN
TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND * * BUT I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER I HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD
IN MY BED WHEN I'M DREAMIN' * * YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND
BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE * * OH AND NOW I AIN'T SCARED OF TELLIN'
YOU WHERE YOU CAN GO * * 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
It's Weekend Update
with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
Thank you very much.
Good evening. Everyone.
Welcome to Weekend Update I'm Michael Che.
I'm Colin Jost.
Well it is our first show of the season.
And there were so many insane political stories this summer
and everyone kept asking, are you so bummed
you aren't on the air right now?
And I was like,
I have a feeling there's going to be more
that happens when we get back.
For example, two hours ago at a rally, Donald Trump
called Kamala Harris, quote, a mentally disabled person
just straight up, which is amazing.
I cannot believe that Trump admitted
he lost the debate to a mentally disabled person.
you can really tell
that Trump is worried about this election
because now he's just lashing out, hoping anything will work.
Look.
I could have been sunbathing on the beach.
You have never seen a body so beautiful.
Much better than Sleepy Joe.
What are you talking about?
You're saying you got a hotter body than Joe Biden?
I'm starting to worry.
That bullet got a little more than just the ear.
Speaking of Melania, Trump gave a rare TV interview
this week in which she blamed Democrats
for creating conditions
that led to Trump's assassination attempts.
Which is ridiculous.
When Democrats want to take out a presidential candidate,
they get the job done.
On Friday, New York mayor
on Friday, New York Mayor Eric Adams surrendered to federal
authorities and was arraigned on corruption
and bribery charges, where he pleaded.
Don't hate the play.
I hate the game.
At the out of the charge, he said.
We are not surprised.
We expected this, you know, because of all the bribery.
Former New York Governor Andrew Cuomo
is reportedly already interested in running for mayor.
Damn, he moves faster than Covid through a nursing home.
A Senate report on the first Trump
assassination attempt says one of the biggest issues
were technical problems,
including delays in emails after the sniper was spotted.
Emails.
Who sees an assassin and is like,
I better open outlook?
Hey, sorry
for the mass email, but there's a sniper on the roof.
Please respond by end of day.
The Senate report also says
there were delays in texts after spotting the sniper.
Like this one that read lol just saw this.
Sorry, which roof?
Hashtag Mercury in retrograde.
Kamala Harris released an 81 page book
outlining her economic policy.
Because you know how women like to go on and on and on.
During a campaign stop at a Pennsylvania supermarket,
Donald Trump gave a woman buying groceries $100
because at this point, his knee jerk reaction to seeing a woman
is to pay her off.
On Friday, Vice President Harris
traveled to the southern border,
where she attacked Trump for his role
in preventing a congressional border deal.
But it didn't look good that during her
speech, 30 migrants snuck in behind her.
And even worse, she handed every one of them
a voter registration for.
The Biden administration has proposed
banning the use of Chinese made car software,
which is almost as dangerous as Chinese made drivers.
In the 90s.
Donald Trump said this week that Americans will travel
to Mars in his next term, probably to get an abortion.
An attorney for duty said that his client wants to testify
at his trial, saying,
I don't know that I can keep him off the stand
because you can't hold a guy back wearing all that baby oil.
To the 90s.
Sean Combs,
his defense attorney,
also argued that his client is not like our Kelly.
First of all, never a great sign when the first person
you compare your client to is ha!
Kelly.
But I have to agree. It's true.
Diddy is nothing like our Kelly.
I mean, our Kelly songs are good.
Senator Raphael Warnock criticized
Mark Robinson, calling him white supremacy in blackface,
which is also the name of Colin special.
Hoda Kotb announced that she is leaving the today show.
Hoda says she will remember her time on the show fondly and not
at all.
Hoda Kotb will be replaced
by oh no, Matt Lauer be.
New York City Mayor Eric Adams was indicted
this week on multiple federal charges,
including bribery and wire fraud,
for the first time in the history of New York
that a sitting mayor has been indicted.
Hit a comment is Mayor Eric Adams.
Welcome to Look at Us.
Made two New.
York City legends. Let's go.
I don't know about that, man, but thank you, Mr.
Mayor. How are you feeling?
honestly, I'm feeling relieved.
Really? No,
but I am feeling determined.
All right. I'm the innocent man.
I mean, look at me, Michael.
All right, my fingers are steep.
My smile is optimistic,
and my vocabulary is a vicious.
Got a little earring on blow.
You know, my arms muscling out the shirt,
my bracelets jangling.
Don't look guilty to you, Michael. I mean, yeah, kind of.
Listen, Michael, I spent every single day
with the working people in this city, all right?
The dancers, the bottom girls, fat Joe.
And they say the same thing.
They say, thank you for bringing swagger back to the city.
What was once a swagger.
This dump is now a swag trap.
This was significantly more crime than before.
Yeah, well, there's a whole platform
to get crime off the streets. Yes, and I did do that.
I got crime off the streets
and onto the sidewalk in the subway.
I was also the first mayor to get out of the office
and into the VIP.
You know where we hang out, Michael. Che.
No, we don't hang out. Stop.
Sometimes we do hang out, though.
We don't hang out.
Look, the internet would have you to believe
that I have done nothing as the mayor.
But look, I did that little police robot. Bo,
I invented the trash can.
Bang!
Also, I declare war on the rats.
And yes, the rats are presently winning.
But the game ain't over, baby.
Yeah, I did a whole lot of things.
We both did. Michael che?
We did not.
We had to. Not.
However, you did favors
for the Turkish government in exchange for expensive trips.
So you want your mayor and coach,
You want me in the back room?
My legs are cramped, my mouth all dry from the biscotti.
That's what you want?
Nah, no.
New York City needs me in first class.
Shoes off, tie off bracelets on them, my shoulders
rubbed by a nice Turkish lady named Bahar.
Thank you baby.
Well, why?
Why Turkey? Hey. Two words Michael. Gobble, gobble.
I love me some turkey, man.
Have you ever had a Turkish delight?
It's a briefcase with $100,000 in it.
All right, so this is.
I mean, la la la la la even that.
Come on, man, that sounds really illegal.
No, it's fine man. Do not worry too much, all right?
Just know that whatever happens, I will not snitch on you.
Dude, we are not friends.
We are friends.
We are also New Yorkers.
Why don't you actually live in new Jersey?
I live in disguise. Maybe
Turkish Airlines.
Because you are not safe on the subway.
Is everybody.
Free? Didi. Whoa! Oh!
Actress Meryl Streep spoke at the UN and warned
that a cat has more freedom in Afghanistan than a woman does,
which raises an important question what is the UN?
According to a new report.
According to a new report, scientists
now believe they have pinpointed
where the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs came from.
Space.
I thought you guys would be more whatever.
A new Netflix show about convicted murderers
Eric and Loud Menendez is being criticized for implying
the brothers had incestuous relationship, said the brothers.
We're just glad our parents aren't around to see this.
that's a sweet one.
Yeah. That's sweet.
This week, Mark Zuckerberg demonstrated Meta's
new augmented reality smart glasses, explains Zuckerberg.
Banana.
Did you really clap for that.
A family reported that their pet cat,
which went missing in Yellowstone
National Park two months ago, reappeared at their home 800
miles away after being chased by a mob of hungry Haitians.
I'm glad you said it.
Astronomers say that an asteroid the size of a school bus
will soon enter
Earth's orbit, temporarily becoming a new mini moon
and making our moon look like an old fat bitch.
I didn't know we could do that.
A couple in Washington state were arrested after
they tried to sell their baby for $1,000 and some beer.
And I'll give you one guess which one of them said.
And some beer.
A number of TikTok users have been posting videos
that use AI to translate Adolf Hitler's speeches into English.
Let's take a look. They're eating the dog.
It's the people that came in.
They're eating the cats.
Well, guys,
this summer, a two month old pygmy hippo in Thailand
named Moo Deng
became a viral sensation, causing huge crowds
at her zoo enclosure,
with some unruly fans throwing bananas and shellfish
at her to get her attention.
Here to comment is Moo Deng
Stop!
Stop clapping.
Hi, Collin.
Is it okay if I say something?
Is it okay to say something?
Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Moo Deng
For the past ten weeks,
I've been going nonstop, running around,
eating lettuce, trying to bite the hose from a water.
The water from the hose.
And the response has been overwhelming.
But it has come to the point where I need to set
some boundaries.
Oh, you need to set boundaries.
Reminder women owe you nothing.
When I'm in my enclosure, tripping over stuff,
biting my trainer's knee.
I am at work.
That is the project.
Do not yell my name or expect a photo.
Just because I'm your parasocial bestie.
Or because you appreciate my talent?
Your talent? What is your talent?
Having a slippery body that bounces.
Colin
before me.
The only hippos in media where either hungry, hungry
or Jada Pinkett Smith in Madagascar.
But now I'm your favorite
hippo's favorite hippo.
And I'm thirsty.
Thirsty?
Hose
Sorry, I needed that.
Back.
I'm sorry. Moo Deng
I must be so stressful having the whole world watching you.
Honestly, Colin, sometimes I feel like
I live my life in a cage.
You know,
like an animal trapped in a zoo for people to look at.
Well, that's kind of what you are.
No, Colin, I have a career. Okay.
I've been approached by brands Maybelline, away luggage.
But I will only stand behind products that I believe in,
like sweet potatoes and hose.
Water hose.
Sorry.
Mr. really wanted some hose.
Yeah.
And trust me, I know I would not be in this position
without my fans, my community, my mood.
Dang boo things.
My mujahideen.
But the harassment has been intolerable.
Okay.
Oh, my God, they're throwing shellfish and bananas at me.
Colin.
No. In Spain. Hey.
You leave Moo Deng alone.
Wow. Thank you so much, Colin.
You're got so loud. Now.
That was so.
So brave of you.
You know, I have to say,Moo Deng you know, your life
sounds a lot like Chapel Roans lately, you know?
Do you? Do you know Chapel Roans
I'm ten weeks old, Colin.
Of course I know. Chapel Roans
And by the way, leave her alone.
Let her take as much time as she needs for her mental health.
We both deserve patience and grace.
So stop harassing her and stop throwing shellfish at her.
Yeah, I don't think she has that problem.
No, it's a matter of time, Colin.
This is what society does.
It puts young women on pedestals
only to knock them down with shellfish.
And also, I know I'm only ten weeks old,
but this is very important to me.
So please listen.
I will not be making an endorsement in this year's
election.
The presidential election.
Really? Yes.
Oh, I'm getting stressed out again.
Colin, can I bite your knee? No.
Fine.
See how easy that was to respect people's boundaries?
How's.
This?
Oh, go get my wig.
Moo Deng!
Everyone!
Welcome back to CNN.
The history of the sitcom.
The only show specifically meant to be watched
in your parent's hospital room.
And we all remember the seminal CBS sitcom
I Love Lucy, which debuted
in 1951 and quickly became a feminine dominance.
So sorry phenomenon.
Anyway,
what you might not know is that before
Lucille Ball, CBS had actually cast
a different performer for the role of Lucy
at The Broken, a dramatic stage actress
who was looking to break into television.
Let's take a look.
Lucy.
I'm home.
Who the hell have you been?
What?
I said, where the hell have you been?
Hi, Lucy.
You know, I was down at the club.
For 15 goddamn hours.
Do you think I'm an idiot?
I, Lucy?
Bad, right?
Many people wondered
why CBS would cast a dramatic actress in a sitcom.
But you have to remember, television was still young.
The only TV star up to
this point was a horse who smoked cigarets.
Let's take a look at another famous scene.
Okay, Lucy,
which necktie will be the best for my big performance tonight?
The yellow one or the red one?
Are you gay?
Excuse me.
You have to tell me because I'm tired of living this way.
Lucy, I think you're going loco.
Am I?
We sleep in separate beds.
On our wedding night, you ran to the bathroom to throw up.
And frankly, your accent is a little.
How you want me to sound, Lucy?
I'm Cuban.
All right,
then, let me put this in a way you'll understand, too.
Tu soy gay
Lucy, a.
Fun fact about Edna.
After the show, she'd go on to name
hundreds of people
in the industry she suspected of being communists.
And this was in 1992, so that wasn't a thing anymore.
In an effort to lighten up the show, producers
added two wacky neighbors, Fred and Ethel.
Let's take a look.
Okay, you two, where have you been?
You have some answers to provide.
Oh, I know where they were spending my money.
Now show me what's behind your back.
Ethel.
On the other hand.
Fine. We went shopping.
And, Lucy, what's behind your back?
Oh my God.
Hasta La Vista
Papi
Hmm
Interesting.
I guess the Terminator stole that from her.
Anyway, CBS immediately recast Edna with Lucille Ball,
which made a lot more sense
considering her name was Lucy,
and she was married to the lead actor forever at CNN.
This has been history of the sitcom.
Live from the boiler room.
It's the talk talk show with Charli XCX
Eva. Hi.
It's me.
Three, six five party girl Charlie XY ax.
It's my talk show.
When we talk. Talk about whatever.
I'm on a bow with me, as always, is Australian dingo,
twink, Troye Sivan.
Troy,
are you happy to be here? Nah.
Amazing. Let's get into it.
Today's topic is the election.
Election some.
I went viral when I tweeted
Kamala is Brat from a toilet and talk of frescoes which left
everyone from your mum to Jake Tapper wondering what is brat?
So to explain, our first segment is on
the Hunter Biden's laptop brat.
Mark Robinson search history straight Na
from going to NYU, from
NYU na
Amy Adams in Night Bitch brat
Eric Adams indictment now.
And of
course, my aunt's breast reduction surgery brat
So happy for you, Carol.
You can run again. Yay,
Zach. Hey.
Things up for you, Troy.
Yeah.
Are you telling the truth?
Nah, it's so gay.
Now it's time to welcome our guests.
Please welcome queer nightlife icon Suzanne Bartsch and CNN
icon Caitlin Collins.
pleasure to meet you.
Thank you, darling, to be here as well.
Now, is this a political talk show?
Tis, babe, let's get into it.
President Biden addressed the United Nations
this week as conflict in the Middle East rages on.
Suzanne. Your thoughts?
Now, it's reminds me of this one night in the 80s at area.
My my best friends, Bob and Diana Ross,
were holding my hair back as I retched in the toilet
and Bob said to me, you've got to clean up your act.
And that's what they have to do in the Middle East.
Totally.
And Caitlin, have you ever done Catman?
No. Did you like it?
Did I like it when I didn't do it?
Exactly.
Reproductive rights are under attack.
Caitlin, what are your thoughts on Snoop?
On the Voice?
Am I going to get a question on current political events?
I wish we could, darling, but it's time for you to go.
So, Julia, for coming.
Thank you.
Our next guest is the bad girl of C-Span.
Please welcome Texas Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett.
Thank you. Tom.
Would you say I'm the most brat, Congresswoman?
I think it's a tie between you and Lauren, though.
But after she got her squeeze debates.
Oggi's.
That's fair.
Now, I have a song on my album called Mean Girls.
And you went viral this summer
for what you called Marjorie Taylor Greene.
What was that?
Bleach blond.
Bad bitch baddie. Oh,
I love that.
I want to hear you pop up on everything.
So this is Jasmine Crockett's mean girl.
Com JD Vance
Smoky eyed sofa sexual, can't order donuts,
but has donut body.
Yes, Matt Gaetz
Punchable pig puppy.
Pervert face car always declines
work.
Gerrymandering.
Crazy shape. Crooked bitch.
Why is that county shaped like a tapeworm with a hat on?
Amazing. Thank you. Jasmine.
Troy, what do we do next?
It's time to GO
well, to play us off, I'm going to sing the song
I wrote about canvasing.
Troy. Bump that.
You say that you're undecided,
but we can't connect to your recap.
Let's work it out on your stoop.
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JELLY ROLL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * THE BROKEN GLASS OF A BOTTLE, AND RIGHT NOW, I GOT TWO SHAKY
HANDS, ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP THEM * HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN SEVEN
HOURS THREE MINUTES HARDLY SOBERED UP ALREADY WANT TO QUIT QUITTIN' SWEATIN' IN AN OLD
CHURCH BASEMENT WISHIN' I WAS * NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY THIS, HELLO, MY NAME IS JASON.
* AND I'VE BEEN LOSING MYSELF, I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND * * AND I'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE
RAIN JUST TRYING TO STAY DRY * * I WAS SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS SEAT TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20
YEARS CLEAN * CLEAN HE SAID EVERYBODY HERE'S FELT THE SAME DEFEAT NOBODY
WALKS THROUGH THESE DOORS ON A WINNING STREAK * * HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HEY, HOLD ON
THE BROKEN MAN IN THE MIRROR CAN'T LOOK AT ME BECAUSE HE'S GUILTY, AND I SWEAR THE LAST
COUPLE MONTHS THAT -- TRIED TO KILL ME. BY THE TIME I SAW IT COMING, WAS
DONE WITH IT ALREADY. * IT'S HARD TO TO RUN FROM IT WHEN IT RUNS IN
THE FAMILY A PROBLEM WITH A THOUSAND MORE IT'S CAUSING DAMN THIS IS EXHAUSTING, THIS IS WHY
I WALKED IN * * I'VE BEEN LOSING MYSELF, I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND *
* I'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE RAIN JUST TRYING TO STAY DRY, I WAS SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS SEAT
TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20 YEARS CLEAN * * HE SAID EVERYBODY HERE'S FELT
THE SAME DEFEAT, NOBODY WALKS THROUGH HERE ON A WINNING STREAK *
* I'M TIRED OF BEING BROKEN, I'M SICK OF FEELING HOPELESS, WAY DOWN HERE AT MY LOWEST *
* AT THE END OF MY ROPE, AT THE END OF MY ROPE, SO WHAT DO I DO, SO WHAT DO I DO, SO WHAT DO I
DO * * AND I'VE LOSING MYSELF, I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND, AND I'VE
BEEN STANDING IN THE RAIN JUST TRYING TO STAY DRY * * I WAS SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS
SEAT TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20 YEARS CLEAN, HE SAID EVERYBODY IN HERE'S FELT THE SAME DEFEAT *
* NOBODY WALKS THROUGH THESE DOORS ON A WINNING STREAK, HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
You're watching, Bravo
Later, it's million dollar, one bedroom apartment.
But now we turn to the Real Housewives of Santa Fe.
Things have been tense between Jill and Louise
since the girls trip to Lake Mead.
So we're all getting dinner
at Rancho Mexicana to clear the air.
Oh. Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
Sam, I needed to get away from running my new makeup line.
Beauty by Jill.
It's been so much work, you guys.
Oh, give me a break.
Excuse me.
If you have something to say, Louise, just say it.
Well, Jill, you bring up Judy by Jill every five seconds.
I'm sick of hearing about Jim.
Beauty by Jill.
Well, you're not a businesswoman, Louise,
so you don't understand.
Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman.
My husband and I own businesses all over this town's way.
Funny you should mention your husband, Louise,
because your husband made a pass at me at the Kentucky Derby.
Let's just. He thought you were a horse, bitch.
Hey, who's ready for fajitas?
How dare you say that to me?
Yeah, Louise, that was way out of line.
Oh, damn this.
Brad, you're not even a business woman.
Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman.
So now canceled by Bree is not a business case for you.
Just coming in. What? You. Hell.
Louise.
And your house smells, I guess.
Ladies, please, let's not ruin dinner.
oh. Shut up, Yvonne, because you're not even a businesswoman.
Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman.
So I just need a little room for these that actually get hot.
Maybe if you need to put them down. Put them down.
Tell me how that's by Yvonne.
It's not a business.
Okay, well, Yvonne, this isn't always about you.
I am a businesswoman and a mother.
And when you disrespect my business
by Yvonne, you disrespect my children
and my children's businesses as well.
And that I will not allow that.
So what is this?
I didn't order this, I ordered fajitas.
these are fajitas.
Well, then fajitas are.
Not what I thought they were.
Please take them back.
Karen's husband is 105.
Oh, how dare you!
How dare you bring up my 105 year old husband?
How dare you! Sweetie, please.
The business women are talking.
Oh, so now I'm not a businesswoman.
Take out for profit prisons are not a business.
You know I can't stand this.
You women around me say.
I don't need this. You're an alcoholic.
You're a home wrecker.
And I don't even know what you're doing here.
I'm just trying to put down the Sahara.
Well, they've been very loud, and they made the whole place
smell like they hate it.
Louise, please sit down.
Don't go.
No, Jen, thank you for the lunch, but no sugar, please.
Box. These are for my husband.
You want to take all of us to hate us?
Yeah. He'll eat them up.
Go ahead. Run away.
Your shorts shiny has been in his weird shirts.
How dare you!
Ready to go, babe?
You only use a dent to me.
Nice to see you girls.
Okay, I got the heaters right here.
Could she leave? Yes. Waiter.
Where is her? Is this how you conduct a business?
Sorry, sorry. Hungry?
>>> THANKS TO JELLY ROLL, MAYA RUDOLPH, JIM GAFFIGAN -- I HAD
SUCH A GOOD TIME!