. >>> GOOD EVENING. FOR ABC NEWS, I'M DAVID MUIR.
IS IT JUST ME, OR IS IT KIND OF
HANDSOME IN HERE?
I HAD HOPED TO TAKE AWAY OF THE
DEBATE I MODERATED WOULD BE MY
STRIKING GOOD LOOKS, BUT
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS WHETHER OR
NOT I WAS BIASED TOWARDS THE
DEMOCRATS.
WHICH, DUH.
BUT IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS,
WE'LL BE GOING LIVE TO RALLIES
FROM BOTH CANDIDATES TONIGHT.
LET'S GO FIRST TO VICE-PRESIDENT
KAMALA HARRIS.
>> HELLO, HELLO. WELL, WELL, WELL, LOOK WHO FELL OUT OF THAT COCONUT TREE.
WELL, YOUR FUN AUNT HAS
RETURNED.
THE FUNT HAS BEEN REBOOTED.
TOO FUNT, TOO FURIOUS.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE CAMPAIGNING
IN WHATEVER SWING STATE I'M IN,
WHICH I WILL JUST REFER TO AS
WISCONSIN PENCIL VAGEORGIA.
BECAUSE I AM GOING TO PROTECT
YOUR VAGEORGIA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU SEE, MY CAMPAIGN IS LIKE THE
SABRINA CARPENTER SONG ESPRESSO.
THE LYRICS ARE VAGUE, BUT THE
VIBES SLAP.
AND SURE, I LIKE TO LAUGH, I DO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
IF YOU START TALKING NONSENSE TO
ME, I'M GOING HIT YOU WITH ONE
OF THESE.
NOW, THIS ELECTION IS ABOUT
MOVING FORWARD.
YOU SEE, DONALD TRUMP IS STUCK
IN THE PAST.
BUT IT'S LIKE I SAY TO MY
HUSBAND DOUG WHEN HE LEAVES HIS
PHONE AT THE CHILI'S, WE ARE NOT
GOING BACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOT.
YOU KNOW, I'M LUCKY ENOUGH TO
HAVE A RUNNING MATE WHO AGREES.
COME ON OUT HERE, COACH WALL.
>> HEY, HEY, HEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHOO!
FOLKS, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS
EXCITED SINCE I GOT A 10% REBATE
ON A LEAF BLOWER.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I GOT THAT BDE, BIG DAD ENERGY.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE.
YOU GET IT?
>> I GOT IT.
I DIDN'T WANT IT, BUT I GOT IT.
>> YOU KNOW, TRUMP AND VANCE ARE
WEIRD.
THEY WANT THE GOVERNMENT TO
CONTROL WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR
BEDROOM AND WHAT BOOKS YOU READ.
YOU KNOW, IN MINNESOTA, WE HAVE
A SAYING, MIND YOUR DAMN
BUSINESS.
WE ALSO HAVE ANOTHER SAYING IN
MINNESOTA, MY NUTS FROZE TO THE
PARK BENCH.
I GOT TO BE HONEST HERE, FOLKS.
WHEN KAMALA HARRIS CALLED ME AND
ASKED ME TO BE HER
VICE-PRESIDENT, I SAID, UH,
YEAH.
IT'S PERSONAL FOR ME.
I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.
AND AS A FORMER TEACHER, I NEED
THE MONEY.
THIS SUIT IS FROM COSTCO.
IT'S A KIRKLAND BRAND.
THEY MAKE GREAT DOG FOOD.
>> THANK YOU, TIM.
OH, WOW.
YOU ARE -- WOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WHAT A LOUD TREASURE.
OKAY.
WE LOVE HIM.
BUT YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW, TIM IS
NOT THE ONLY WHITE DUDE FOR
HARRIS HERE TODAY.
THERE'S A VERY SPECIAL ONE
WHO'S GIVEN ME SO MUCH,
INCLUDING A SWEET SON AND A VERY
BROOKLYN DAUGHTER.
IT'S MY HUSBAND, DOUG!
¶ TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE.
TEACH ME HOW TO DOUGIE ¶
>> TIS I, DOUG. THE SECOND GENTLEMENCH, ALSO KNOWN AS CHARLIE BROWN IF HE WAS
A GROWNUP.
HOW AMAZING IS KAMALA?
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER.
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN ONE OF THOSE
MOVIES WHERE SETH ROGAN DATES
CHARLESE THERON.
I'M UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT BEING A
MAN SUPPORTING HIS WIFE, OH,
HE'S A BETA, A WIFE GUY, A TRAD
HUS.
A LITTLE SPOON.
WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, IF HELPING
KAMALA WHO WE CALL MAMALA IN MY
FAMILY, I'M NOT SURE IF I
MENTIONED THAT, BECOME
PRESIDENT, BEING A LITTLE SPOON,
THEN YOU CAN COOK MY LITTLE
BUTT.
BECAUSE I AM PROUD TO JOIN THE
ESTEEMED LIST OF PRESIDENTIAL
SPOUSES THROUGHOUT HISTORY.
WOMEN AND MEN, BUT ALL WOMEN.
THAT HAVE STOOD BY THE
PRESIDENT'S SIDE.
AND I FOR ONE CAN'T WAIT TO
DECORATE THE WHITE HOUSE FOR
CHRISTMAS.
THE THEME WILL BE HANUKKAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YES.
SHE CLEARED IT.
YEAH.
AND LOOK, IF ANYONE ON THE RIGHT
TRIES TO COME FOR MY RIGHT, JUST
REMEMBER, I'M FROM LA BUSTER.
OKAY?
YOU BETTER RAISE UP BEFORE I
SMACK THE TASTE OUT YOU, NEPHEW.
THIS IS WEST SIDE CONNECT.
ME AND K IS LA TO THE BAIT,
TRICK.
DON'T START NO STUFF, WON'T BE
NO STUFF, DONALD.
>> DOUGIE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO
THAT TONIGHT.
WE NEED THOSE MIDDLE STATES, ALL
RIGHT?
COOL DOWN, HOT SHOT.
>> SORRY MY SWEETS.
WHOO!
>> OH, DOUG, EVERYONE!
OH, MY GOODNESS.
HOW MUCH DO I LOVE THAT MAN?
WE SHARE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE IN A
BEAUTIFUL HOME, AND IF YOU TRY
TO ENTER MY HOME, I WILL SHOOT
YOU.
VIEWERS FROM NEW YORK AND
CALIFORNIA, PLEASE CLOSE YOUR
EARS.
I HAVE A GUN.
A COOL ONE.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON BACK, NEW YORK AND
CALIFORNIA.
NOW, LET'S GET CRAZY SEXY COOL
AND PLAY SOME TLC!
¶ SO I CREEP, YEAH, I JUST
CREEP ¶
>> WELL, CERTAINLY SEEMS LIKE A
PARTY OVER AT THE HARRIS RALLY.
LET'S SEE HOW IT'S GOING NOW
WITH DONALD TRUMP AT HIS RALLY,
WHICH IS ENTERING ITS THIRD
HOUR.
>> WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYONE
GOING?
WHERE YOU GOING?
I SEE YOU TRYING TO LEAVE, BUT
THE DOORS ARE LOCKED.
COME ON BACK.
WE'RE HAVING FUN.
WE LOVE MY RALLIES, EXCEPT WHEN
SOMEONE DOES THE BING, BONG,
BING, BING RIGHT AT ME.
YOU KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED BECAUSE
OF THE RHETORIC OF THE RADICAL
LEFT.
THEY SAY THAT ME BLAMING THE
DEMOCRATS FOR INCITING VIOLENCE
IS THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE
BLACK, BUT FRANKLY I DIDN'T KNOW
THE KETTLE WAS BLACK UNTIL VERY
RECENTLY.
I THOUGHT THE KETTLE WAS INDIAN.
THEN IT DECIDED TO TURN BLACK.
I MISS JOE BIDEN!
OH, JOE.
WE MISS JOE BIDEN, FOLKS.
WHAT WE WOULDN'T GIVE TO HAVE
HIM STAND NEXT TO ME AND BE OLD.
WE HAD THIS IN THE BAG, BUT THEN
THEY DID A SWITCHEROO AND THEY
SWAPPED OUT BIDEN WITH SKABALA,
AND NOW EVERYTHING IS CHAOS.
THEY'RE EATING THE DOGS.
THEY'RE EATING THE CATS.
THEY'RE TAKING YOUR PETS AND
DOING FREAK-OFFS.
THEY'RE DOING FREAK-OFFS WITH
THE DOGS AND MAKING THE GEESE
WATCH.
IT'S VERY SAD.
VERY SAD.
THEY'RE DOING A DIDDY.
I THINK THAT'S WHAT I'M TOLD BY
MY RUNNING MATE J.D. VANCE.
PEOPLE ARE SAYING HE WAS A BAD
PICK, AND IN MANY WAYS, HE WAS.
J.D., COME ON UP.
>> THANK YOU, PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
HE'S TAKING THE GLASS WITH HIM.
THAT'S FINE.
HELLO, HELLO.
IT IS I, J.D. VANCE.
JUST THIS AFTERNOON, HE TOLD ME,
J.D., YOU'RE LIKE A SON TO ME
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU AND I'M
STUCK WITH YOU.
PEOPLE ARE SAYING I'M A CREEP,
I'M A WEIRDO, WHAT THE HELL AM I
DOING HERE?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'M DOING
HERE, GETTING THIS CROWD HOT.
YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.
>> SWING AND A MISS.
>> I WANT TO TALK PLATFORM.
IT'S CALLED PROJECT 2025, AND --
>> OH, WE APOLOGIZE.
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS ASKING US
TO CUT AWAY FROM HIS RALLY AND
TO RETURN INSTEAD TO
VICE-PRESIDENT HARRIS WHERE THE
DANCING APPEARS TO BE WRAPPING
UP
¶ SO I CREEP, YEAH, I JUST
CREEP ¶
>> ALL RIGHT.
OH, MAN.
THAT FELT GOOD.
AND DONALD DOESN'T THINK I'M
BLACK.
OKAY.
LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
WE COULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN HERE
WITHOUT ONE MAN, AND HIS NAME IS
JABIDEN.
GET ON OUT HERE, GENTLEMANBIDEN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FOLKS, THAT'S RIGHT. LOT OF PEOPLE FORGET I'M
PRESIDENT, INCLUDING ME.
GUESS WHAT, AND BY THE WAY.
I THINK I DID A PRETTY GOOD JOB.
I PASSED MORE BILLS THAN ANY
PRESIDENT IN HISTORY.
FOLKS, WE STILL GOT WORK TO DO,
NO JOKE.
I'M BEING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
COME ON.
GUESS WHAT, AND BY THE WAY.
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, THE
RICH DON'T PAY THEIR FAIR SHARE.
THEY GOT TO PAY THEIR FAIR
SHARE.
WE GOT TO BUILD BACK BETTER.
BUILD BACK THE BETTER TO BORROW
THE BEST.
CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER.
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY -- I JUST
WANT TO SAY THANK YOU JOE BIDEN.
THANK YOU FOR PUTTING COUNTRY
FIRST AND FOR HANDING OVER THE
REIGNS.
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO.
THEY MADE ME.
AND GUESS WHAT AND BY THE WAY.
FACT OF THE MATTER IS, NO JOKE,
I'M SERIOUS, RIGHT NOW, I'M
BEING SERIOUS.
ANYWAY, CONCLUSION, ME AND
VICE-PRESIDENT HARRIS ARE THE
SAME.
>> OKAY.
HA-HA, GREAT STUFF.
THANK YOU, JOE.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD-BYE, JOE.
GOOD-BYE.
NOW -- ISN'T HE GREAT?
NOW, LISTEN, ALL RIGHT, WE GOT
TO STAY FOCUSED.
OKAY?
AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
IF WE WIN, TOGETHER, WE CAN END
THE DRAMALA.
AND THE TRAUMALA.
AND GO RELAX IN OUR PAJAMALAS.
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING I
KNOW -- UH-OH, HE'S BACK.
HE'S BACK.
WHOOPSY.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WANT IN?
COME ON IN.
>> YEAH.
>> OKAY.
HEY.
HEY THERE.
IS THAT NICE?
>> REALLY GOOD.
>> OKAY.
HI THERE.
OKAY.
>> HOW DID I GET BACK HERE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> I WAS GOING TO SAY ONE MORE
THING.
>> OH, YEAH?
>> YEAH.
>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
MUSICAL GUEST, JELLY ROLL. AND YOUR HOST, JEAN SMART. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JEAN
SMART!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO, SO VERY MUCH.
I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW HONORED I
AM TO BE HOSTING THE PREMIER
EPISODE OF SEASON 50.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT TRULY IS INCREDIBLE TO BE
HERE.
I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ALL DRESSED UP
AND HAD HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE CLAP
FOR ME IN DAYS.
HONESTLY.
I REMEMBER WATCHING THE VERY
FIRST EPISODE OF SNL AND
THINKING, SOME DAY I'M GOING TO
HOST THAT SHOW.
AND THIS IS THE FIRST SATURDAY
THAT WORKED WITH MY SCHEDULE.
IT'S GREAT TO BE IN NEW YORK.
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT FROM HERE,
IT'S WHERE I STARTED MY CAREER
IN SHOW BUSINESS.
OH, MY PIANO.
I WAS WONDERING WHERE I PUT
THAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
I MOVED TO NEW YORK IN MY 20s.
I REMEMBER THE FIRST PLAY I DID.
IT WAS AN OFF, OFF, OFF, OFF
BROADWAY -- JERSEY, ACTUALLY, I
THINK.
BUT I ALWAYS THINK OF NEW YORK
AS HOME.
EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A MUCH NICER
HOME IN L.A.
¶ I HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW YORK, I HAPPEN TO LOVE THIS TOWN, I LIKE
THE CITY AIR, I LIKE THE DRINK
OF IT, THE MORE I KNOW OF NEW
YORK, THE MORE I THINK OF IT ¶
¶ I LIKE THE SOUND, THE SIGHT,
AND EVEN THE STINK OF IT, I
HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW YORK ¶
ESPECIALLY THIS TIME OF YEAR.
I LOVE AUTUMN IN NEW YORK.
ALL THE GARBAGE ON THE STREET IS
FINALLY CHANGING COLORS.
BEAUTIFUL.
I SAW MAYOR ADAMS IN THE NEWS.
I DIDN'T READ IT.
I'M SURE IT'S FOR SOMETHING
GOOD.
¶ I HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW YORK, I
HAPPEN TO LIKE THE SOUND ¶
I STARTED MY CAREER IN NEW YORK
AROUND THE SAME TIME "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" STARTED.
I DIDN'T REALLY BELIEVE IT WAS
LIVE.
SERIOUSLY.
I THOUGHT SNL STOOD FOR SATURDAY
NIGHT LAUGHS.
AND THEN I WATCHED THE SHOW AND
I THOUGHT, WELL, THAT CAN'T BE
RIGHT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
¶ I HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW YORK ¶
LESBIANS ARE OBSESSED WITH ME.
I MEAN, MY FIRST PLAY, IT WAS
ALL LESBIAN CHARACTERS SO I HAD
A LOT OF GAY WOMEN FANS, AND
APPARENTLY I DO AS WELL I'M
TOLD.
JUST THE OTHER DAY, SOMEONE
SAID, IT'S TRUE.
HAVE YOU NOT SEEN THAT ONE
WOMAN'S PODCAST, SHE WANTS TO
DATE YOU.
AND I THOUGHT, COOL.
AT LEAST I HAVE OPTIONS.
BUT I GOT TO SAY, I JUST LOVE
THIS CITY.
THERE'S NOWHERE ELSE ON EARTH
LIKE IT.
IT'S A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE HAVE
COME FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS FROM
AROUND THE WORLD TO BE WHO THEY
WANT TO BE.
¶ I HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW YORK, I
LIKE ITS DIVERSITY, I OFTEN ASK
MYSELF WHY SHOULD IT BE, PEOPLE
COME SO FAR FROM ACROSS THE
SEA ¶
¶ I SUPPOSE IT'S BECAUSE THEY
AGREE WITH ME, THEY HAPPEN TO
LIKE NEW YORK, WE HAPPEN TO LIKE
NEW YORK, I HAPPEN TO LIKE NEW
YORK ¶
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
JELLY ROLL IS HERE!
SO STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>>> YOU MUST BE IN THE LOBBY AT THE DENTIST, BECAUSE YOU'RE WATCHING THE GAME SHOW NETWORK.
>> HEY!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
$100,000 PYRAMID CELEBRITY
EDITION.
I'M YOUR HOST MICHAEL STRAY
HAPPEN.
BECAUSE STEVE HARVEY WAS BUSY.
TIME TO MEET TODAY'S CONTESTANTS
THE WE GOT TO VIRAL SENSATION OF
THE SUMMER THAT'S SOMEHOW FAMOUS
FOR ONE SENTENCE, HAILEY WELSH.
>> SPIT ON THAT THING!
>> THAT'S THE ONE.
YEP.
HAILEY, WHAT CHARITY ARE YOU
SUPPORTING TODAY?
>> I'LL BE DONATED MY WINNINGS
TO SOMEONE WHO WILL BE VERY
HAPPY WITH THEM A YEAR FROM NOW,
MYSELF.
>> OF COURSE.
WELL, TODAY, YOU PLAYING
ALONGSIDE THE STAR OF THE DOCU
SERIES CHIMP CRAZY, TONIA
HADDIX.
>> I KNOW THAT DOCUMENTARY MADE
ME SEEM CRAZY, BUT THAT'S ALL
FOR TV.
I'M A NORMAL LADY.
>> WHO'S THAT YOU GOT ON YOUR
SHOULDER THERE?
>> THIS IS MY HUSBAND.
>> SUPER DUPER.
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE JOINING US
AFTER HIS ROUGHLY 1,000 LATIN
GRAMMY WINS IS POP STAR BAD
BUNNY.
HOW YOU FEELING, BENITO?
>> HONESTLY, I'M FEELING LIKE
I'M TOO FAMOUS TO BE HERE RIGHT
NOW.
YESTERDAY, I WAS ON A YACHT WITH
LeBRON AND DiCAPRIO, AND NOW I'M
NEXT TO THE LADY MAKE WHO MAKING
LOVE TO THE MONKEY.
>> WELL, YOUR PARTNER HAS BEEN
IN HOT WATER RECENTLY FOR
COMMENTS HE LEFT ON A
PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITE.
HE IS THE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR,
MARK ROBINSON.
>> COME ON, MAN.
THAT WAS AI.
I AIN'T COMMENT ON ALL THEM
AMAZING PORNOS.
>> AMAZING MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
YOU DID IT.
>> I DON'T WANT TO GET INTO THE
MINUTIA, BUT THAT AIN'T ME.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS MY USER NAME?
MINI SOLDIER?
THEY GOT AI COMING UP WITH THE
COOLEST USER NAMES.
>> WHATEVER YOU SAY.
OKAY.
THE TEAMS ARE SET.
ROUND ONE, MARK, WE WILL START
WITH YOU AND BAD BUNNY.
LET'S GO TO THE PYRAMID FOR YOUR
CATEGORY.
>> OKAY.
I WANT IN THE CLUB.
BOBBY, I LOVE THE CLUB.
[ SPEAKING SPANISH ]
>> MR. BUNNY, YOU ARE ONE SEXUAL
FELLOW.
ALL RIGHT.
YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE CLUES
FIRST.
30 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND
BEGIN.
>> OKAY.
THIS IS LIKE THE MAIN THING YOU
DO IN THE CLUB.
>> CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE.
>> NO.
OKAY.
IF THE COPS FIND THIS ON YOU,
YOU GO TO JAIL.
>> MY CELL PHONE, MY PERSONAL
CELL PHONE.
>> PASS.
YOU PULL IT UP ON YOUR PHONE,
AND YOU GO FOR A RIDE.
>> NUDE AFRICA, THE WEBSITE NUDE
AFRICA.
>> PASS.
OKAY.
IT FEELS GOOD IN THE MOMENT, BUT
YOU ALWAYS REGRET IT.
>> COMMENTING I'M A BLACK NAZI
ON A PORNOGRAPHIC WEBSITE.
>> WOW, THAT WAS AN ABSOLUTELY
BRUTAL PERFORMANCE.
WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE, MARK?
>> GUESS I GOT MY OWN STUFF
GOING ON.
>> YEAH, THAT YOU DO.
LET'S MOVE ON TO HAILEY AND
TONYA.
GUYS, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT
THAT?
>> YOU'RE BAD.
>> HMM.
ALL RIGHT.
HAILEY, LET'S SEE YOUR
CATEGORIES.
>> OKAY.
LET'S GO WITH THINGS BABIES
NEED.
>> ALL RIGHT.
30 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, AND
BEGIN.
>> THING THEY PUT IN THEIR
MOUTH.
>> BANANA.
>> PASS.
WHERE THEY SLEEP.
>> CAGE, BIG GLASS CAGE.
>> WHAT YOU GOT TO CHANGE IF YOU
HAD AN ACCIDENT.
>> THE LOCK TO THE BIG GLASS
CAGE.
>> PASS.
THE THING THEY DO WHEN THEY'RE
UPSET.
>> THROW FECES.
TEAR A CAT IN HALF.
RIP MY SISTER'S HANDS OFF
BECAUSE SHE GOT A NEW HAIR CUT.
>> OH, MY GOD, PASS.
FOCUS, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS ONE IS HOW BABIES GET THEIR
FOOD.
>> OH, DUH, BREASTFEEDING.
>> RIGHT AT THE BUZZER.
I THOUGHT WE WERE ABOUT TO HAVE
THE FIRST GAME WITH ABSOLUTELY
ZERO POINTS SCORED.
FINALLY, TONIA STARTED THINKING
ABOUT HUMAN BABIES.
>> NO, I DIDN'T.
>> UP NEXT, WE WILL HAVE MORE
AMAZING CELEBRITIES INCLUDING,
YOU GUESSED IT, THE TURKISH
SHARP SHOOTER.
>> TELL THE MONKEY TO STOP
LOOKING AT ME.
>> UH-OH.
WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER I
DEESCALATE THIS SITUATION.
>>> TIMES MAY BE GOOD ON WALL
STREET, BUT ON MAIN STREET,
COMMUNITIES ARE STRUGGLING.
CLOSED STORES, SHUTTERED
BUSINESSES, EMPTY PARKING LOTS.
WHEN HARD TIMES HIT, IT'S EASY
TO FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES.
BUT HELP IS ON THE WAY.
BECAUSE WHEN OTHERS LEAVE, WE
SHOW UP.
WE DON'T SEE A DEAD END TOWN.
>> WE DON'T SEE AN ABANDONED
K-MART.
>> WE SEE A SPIRIT -- A SPIRIT
HALLOWEEN.
>> SINCE 1983, SPIRIT HALLOWEEN
HAS BEEN HELPING OUR STRUGGLING
COMMUNITIES BY SETTING UP SHOP
IN EVERY VACANT BUILDING IN THE
COUNTRY FOR SIX WEEK.
>> WHAT USED TO BE A CONDEMNED
AUTO ZONE WHERE A MURDER ONCE
HAPPENED IS ONCE AGAIN A DRIVING
BUSINESS WHERE A MURDER HAPPEN
ZBLD WE'RE HERE PROVIDING NULL
INITIAL COMMUNITIES WITH THE
THINGS THEY NEED MOST, WIG WIG
THAT IS GIVE YOU A RASH, SINGLE
USE FOG MACHINES, AND COSTUMES
OF CHARACTERS TWEAKED JUST
ENOUGH TO AVOID A LAWSUIT.
>> IT'S NOT JUST EMPTY BUILDINGS
WE'RE INVESTING IN.
IT'S PEOPLE AND CREATING
SIX-WEEK JOBS FOR SOME OF
AMERICA'S BIGGEST PERVERTS.
>> BEFORE I RING YOU UP, ARE YOU
OVER 18 YEARS OLD?
>> NO.
>> I'M NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO
TALK TO YOU.
LET ME GRAB AN ASSOCIATE TO HELP
YOU OUT.
THIS IS GOING TO BE GOOD THOUGH.
>> BEST PART IS WE'RE ABLE TO
HELP STRUGGLING AREAS IN REAL
TIME BY STOCKING, STAFFING, AND
OPENING A NEW LOCATION IN
MINUTES.
>> SPIRIT HALLOWEEN, WE'RE NOT
JUST HELPING COMMUNITIES, WE'RE
ALSO MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE.
>> EXCUSE ME, DO YOU HAVE A
TAYLOR SWIFT COSTUME?
>> YOU BET.
>> THIS ISN'T TAYLOR SWIFT.
>> AND NEITHER ARE YOU.
>> SPIRIT HALLOWEEN, WHEN YOU
NEED US, WE'LL BE HERE.
FOR SIX WEEKS.
>> BECAUSE ON NOVEMBER 1st,
WE'RE GOING GONE.
AND ALL THIS JUNK WILL BE IN A
DUMPSTER.
>> SPIRIT HALLOWEEN, COMING AND
GOING SOON.
>>> HI. I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT THE WRITER YOU WANTED TO MEET WITH
IS HERE?
THANK YOU.
SEND HER IN.
JESS, WE DON'T WEAR T-SHIRTS HERE.
>> GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE.
HI, BARBARA BURKEMAN.
>> THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING IN.
PLEASE SIT.
>> IT'S ABOUT MY BOOK, ISN'T IT?
ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU LOVED NEW
MATH BOOK YOU ASKED ME TO WRITE?
>> IT IS ABOUT THAT, YES.
>> WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO DO THIS,
I SAID IS BARBARA BURKEMAN
REALLY COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT
TO WRITE A MATH BOOK WHEN ALL
SHE'S EVER DONE IS A ROMANCE
NOVEL.
I'M GLAD I DID.
>> WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, SOME
ADVANCED COPIES WERE SENT OUT TO
SCHOOLS BEFORE WE WERE ABLE TO
PROOF THE ENTIRE MANUSCRIPT.
>> AND?
>> WELL, THERE WAS SOME CONCERN,
ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE WORD
PROBLEMS.
>> OH, THE WORD PROBLEMS ARE THE
MOST FUN TO WRITE.
>> WELL, CAN I ASK YOU TO READ
THE ONE AT THE TOP OF PAGE 96?
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
OH, 96.
OKAY.
WILLIAM HAS FIVE APPLES AND THE
BODY OF A GOD.
CLARISSA WATCHED IN AWE AS HE
BIT INTO THE APPLE'S FLESH, THE
SWEET JUICE RUNNING DOWN HIS
MUSCLED NECK AND INTO THE
FORBIDDEN MYSTERY THAT LAID
BENEATH HIS WET UNDERSHIRT.
HOW MANY APPLES DOES WILLIAM
HAVE NOW.
>> OBVIOUSLY WE ARE WORRIED YOUR
STYLE OF ROMANCE WRITING FOUND
ITS WAY INTO THIS TEXTBOOK.
>> REALLY?
I DON'T SEE HOW.
>> WELL, READ THE NEXT ONE.
>> OKAY.
CLARISSA STARED INTO THE EYES OF
THE ITALIAN LOSING HERSELF
COMPLETELY IN HIS MUSK.
HE HAD THE MIND OF A CHILD BUT
THE HANDS OF A GORILLA, AND
THERE WASN'T AN INCH OF HER BODY
THAT HADN'T BEEN EXPLORED.
WHAT'S FOUR MINUS SIX?
>> I MEAN, THAT'S NOT
APPROPRIATE.
>> HOW?
LOOK, HIGH SCHOOLERS DON'T LIKE
MATH.
I MADE IT COOL.
I EVEN MADE THE COVER COOL.
LOOK.
>> YEAH.
WE DO SEE.
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
THAT SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE THAT.
>> WHY DON'T YOU JUST READ THE
NEXT ONE, PLEASE?
>> OKAY.
CLARISSA HAD NEVER EVEN
CONSIDERED BEING WITH A WOMAN,
AND YET HERE SHE WAS BOSOM TO
BOSOM WITH LADY HARRINGTON.
I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE TO LEARN
SOME MATH, TO WHICH LADY
HARRINGTON REPLIED, FINE, LET'S
BEGIN BY SUBTRACTING YOU OUT OF
THOSE PANTIES.
>> THAT'S NOT EVEN A MATH
PROBLEM.
>> YES.
WHAT IS 67 PLUS 2 FATHER NORRIS
ASKED.
69 CLARISSA SAID WITH A SMIRK.
THAT'S EASY.
NOT THAT EASY FATHER NORRIS SAID
AS HE SPUN HER AROUND ON THE
LAZY SUSAN.
>> GIRL, YOU CANNOT TALK LIKE
THAT.
>> AND WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH
CLARISSA?
SHE'S SO EASY.
>> OKAY.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE CLARISSA,
HERE'S ONE WITHOUT HER.
LET'S GO SKINNY DIPPING RODERICK
SAID UNBUTTONING CLIFFORD'S
SHIRT.
WON'T PEOPLE TALK?
LET THEM, RODERICK REPLIED
RIPPING OFF HIS TUXEDO AND
RUNNING ERECTION LAST INTO THE
SEA.
WRITE DOWN YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER.
>> THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN
A.P. ALGEBRA BOOK.
NOT WRITE DOWN YOUR FAVORITE
NUMBER.
>> AND HOW DO YOU RUN ERECTION
LAST?
>> AND I MISS CLARISSA.
>> WELL, THEN GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE
OF WHAT IT IS YOU WANT ME TO
WRITE.
>> IT TOOK THOMAS TEN MINUTES
LONGER TO DO HIS MATH HOMEWORK
THAN HISTORY.
IF HE SPENT TWO HOURS, HOW LONG
DID HE SPEND ON MATH?
>> ANYONE HARD?
I KNOW I'M NOT.
>> NO!
>> THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS.
I TRY TO WRITE ART, AND THEY
WANT SMUT.
FINE.
HERE'S SOME MATH PORN.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
EARL OPENED THE CAR DOOR AND HIS
DONG HIT THE DRIVEWAY.
WOW, CLARISSA SAID, THAT THING'S
GONNA KILL ME.
HOW MANY TIRES ARE ON A CAR?
>> NO.
WE CAN'T PUBLISH THIS.
>> BUT I DO APPLAUD THE RETURN
OF CLARISSA.
>> SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
I GET FIRED?
>> I AM SO SORRY TO INTERRUPT
AGAIN, BUT THE SCHOOLS CALLED.
THE MATH SCORES ARE THROUGH THE
ROOF!
>> WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL,
WELL, WELL.
>> BARBARA, I GUESS WE WERE VERY
WRONG.
>> LOOKS LIKE ROMANCE ISN'T
DEAD.
AND JUST WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL.
>> OH, HELLO, CLARISSA.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JELLY ROLL! ¶¶
¶ I LET YOU DRIVE
AROUND MY MIND ¶
¶ I CAN'T COUNT THE TIMES
YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE
I'M NOTHING ¶
¶ PLAYED ME LIKE A FOOL
LIKE A FOOL ¶
¶ SAYING
DRINK ANOTHER WHISKEY
POP ANOTHER PILL
MONEY MAKES YOU HAPPY ¶
¶ HEAVEN ISN'T REAL
YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY
TO LOVE ¶
¶ BECAUSE YOUR HEART'S
TOO BROKE ¶
¶ NOW I KNOW
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A LIAR ¶
¶ YEAH I WALK RIGHT
OUT THE FIRE ¶
¶ YEAH THEY TRY TO
BRING ME DOWN
TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND ¶
¶ I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER
I CAN HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD
IN MY BED WHEN I'M
DREAMIN' ¶
¶ YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND
BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE ¶
¶ OH AND NOW I AIN'T SCARED
OF TELLIN' YOU WHERE
YOU CAN GO ¶
¶ LOOK I KNOW
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR
YOU BURNED ME
ONE TOO MANY TIMES ¶
¶ YOU'RE LIKE THE DEVIL
IN DISGUISE
HIDING YOUR TRUE COLORS
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ¶
¶ KEEP LEADING ME ON
DRINK ANOTHER WHISKEY
POP ANOTHER PILL
MONEY MAKES YOU HAPPY ¶
¶ HEAVEN ISN'T REAL
YOU WON'T FIND NOBODY
TO LOVE ¶
¶ BECAUSE YOUR HEART'S
TOO BROKE ¶
¶ OH I KNOW
YOU AIN'T NOTHIN'
BUT A LIAR ¶
¶ YEAH I WALK RIGHT
OUT THE FIRE
YEAH THEY TRY TO
BRING ME DOWN ¶
¶ TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND
I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER ¶
¶ I HEAR YOU
IN MY HEAD
IN MY BED WHEN I'M
DREAMIN' ¶
¶ YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND
BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE ¶
¶ OH AND NOW
I AIN'T SCARED OF TELLIN'
YOU WHERE YOU CAN GO
LOOK I KNOW ¶
>> TAG OVER AT JACK ON THE
GUITAR TONIGHT.
JACK.
AND WE'RE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE," BABY!
¶¶
¶ IF I WAS DOIN' WHAT YOU DO
THEN YOU WOULD SWEAR
I POISONED YOU ¶
¶ YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR
LIAR ¶
¶ YEAH I WALK RIGHT
OUT THE FIRE
FIRE ¶
¶ YEAH YOU TRY TO
KEEP ME DOWN
TRY TO PUT ME UNDERGROUND ¶
¶ BUT I'M ONLY GOING HIGHER
I HEAR YOU IN MY HEAD
IN MY BED WHEN I'M
DREAMIN' ¶
¶ YOU TRY TO BE MY FRIEND
BUT YOU'RE BLOWIN' SMOKE ¶
¶ OH AND NOW
I AIN'T SCARED OF TELLIN'
YOU WHERE YOU CAN GO ¶
¶ 'CAUSE I KNOW
YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A LIAR ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, IT IS OUR FIRST SHOW OF
THE SEASON, AND THERE WERE SO
MANY INSANE POLITICAL STORIES
THIS SUMMER, AND EVERYONE KEPT
ASKING, ARE YOU SO BUMMED YOU
AREN'T ON THE AIR RIGHT NOW.
AND I WAS LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING
THERE'S GOING TO BE MORE THAT
HAPPENS WHEN WE GET BACK.
FOR EXAMPLE, TWO HOURS AGO, AT A
RALLY, DONALD TRUMP CALLED
KAMALA HARRIS, QUOTE, A MENTALLY
DISABLED PERSON.
JUST STRAIGHT UP.
WHICH IS AMAZING.
I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT TRUMP
ADMITTED HE LOST THE DEBATE TO A
MENTALLY DISABLED PERSON.
YOU CAN REALLY TELL TRUMP IS
WORRIED ABOUT THIS ELECTION
BECAUSE NOW HE'S JUST LASHING
OUT HOPING ANYTHING WILL WORK.
LOOK.
>> I COULD HAVE BEEN SUN BATHING
ON THE BEACH.
YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN A BODY SO
BEAUTIFUL.
MUCH BETTER THAN SLEEPY JOE.
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
YOU'RE SAYING YOU GOT A HOTTER
BODY THAN JOE BIDEN?
I'M STARTING TO WORRY THAT
BULLET GOT A LITTLE MORE THAN
JUST THE EAR.
SPEAKING OF, MELANIA TRUMP GAVE
A RARE TV INTERVIEW THIS WEEK IN
WHICH SHE BLAMED DEMOCRATS FOR
CREATING CONDITIONS THAT LED TO
TRUMP'S ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT,
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
WHEN DEMOCRATS WANT TO TAKE OUT
A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, THEY
GET THE JOB DONE.
>> ON FRIDAY, NEW YORK MAYOR
ERIC ADAMS SURRENDERED TO
FEDERAL AUTHORITIES AND WAS
ARRAIGNED ON CORRUPTION AND
BRIBERY CHARGES WHEN WHERE HE
PLEADED, DON'T HATE THE PLAYER,
HATE THE GAME.
AFTER ADAMS WAS CHARGED, HE
SAID, WE ARE NOT SURPRISED.
WE EXPECTED THIS.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE OF ALL THE
BRIBERY.
FORMER NEW YORK GOVERNOR ANDREW
CUOMO IS REPORTEDLY ALREADY
INTERESTED IN RUNNING FOR MAYOR.
DAMN, HE MOVES FASTER THAN KOBE
THROUGH A NURSING HOME.
>> A SENATE REPORT ON THE FIRST
TRUMP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT SAYS
ONE OF THE BIGGEST ISSUES WERE
TECHNICAL PROBLEMS, INCLUDING
DELAYS IN EMAILS AFTER THE
SNIPER WAS SPOTTED.
EMAILS.
WHO SEES AN ASSASSIN AND IS
LIKE, I BETTER OPEN OUTLOOK?
HEY, SORRY FOR THE MASS EMAIL,
BUT THERE'S A SNIPER ON THE
ROOF.
PLEASE RESPOND BY END OF DAY.
ALSO SAYS THERE WERE DELAYS IN
TEXTS AFTER SPOTTING THE SNIPER
LIKE THIS ONE THAT READ, LOL,
JUST SAW THIS.
SORRY, WHICH ROOF?
#MERCURY IN RETRO GRADE.
>> KAMALA HARRIS RELEASED AN
81-PAGE BOOK OUTLINING HER
ECONOMIC POLICY BECAUSE YOU KNOW
HOW WOMEN LIKE TO GO ON AND ON.
>> DURING A CAMPAIGN STOP AT A
PENNSYLVANIA SUPERMARKET, DONALD
TRUMP GAVE A WOMAN BUYING
GROCERIES $100 BECAUSE AT THIS
POINT, HIS KNEE JERK REACTION TO
SEEING A WOMAN IS TO PAY HER
OFF.
ON FRIDAY, VICE-PRESIDENT HARRIS
TRAVELED TO THE SOUTHERN BORDER
WHERE SHE ATTACKED TRUMP FOR HIS
ROLE IN PREVENTING A
CONGRESSIONAL BORDER DEAL, BUT
IT DIDN'T LOOK GOOD THAT DURING
HER SPEECH, 30 MIGRANTS SNUCK IN
BEHIND HER, AND EVEN WORSE, SHE
HANDED EVERY ONE OF THEM A VOTER
REGISTRATION FORM.
>> THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION HAS
PROPOSED BANNING THE CHINESE-MAD
CAR SOFTWARE, WHICH IS ALMOST AS
GOOD AS BANNING CHINESE DRIVERS.
THE '90s, MAN, YOU REMEMBER?
>> DONALD TRUMP SAID THIS WEEK
THAT AMERICANS WILL TRAVEL TO
MARS IN HIS NEXT TERM.
PROBABLY TO GET AN ABORTION.
>> AN ATTORNEY FOR DIDDY SAID
HIS CLIENT WANTS TO TESTIFY AT
HIS TRIAL, SAYING I DON'T KNOW
THAT I CAN KEEP HIM OFF THE
STAND.
BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HOLD A GUY
BACK WEARING ALL THAT BABY OIL.
IT'S THE '90s.
>> SEAN COMBS' DEFENSE ATTORNEY
ALSO ARGUED HIS CLIENT IS NOT
LIKE R. KELLY.
FIRST OF ALL, NEVER A GREAT SIGN
WHEN THE FIRST PERSON YOU
COMPARE YOUR CLIENT TO IS R.
KELLY.
I HAVE TO AGREE, IT'S TRUE.
DIDDY IS NOTHING LIKE R. KELLY.
I MEAN, R. KELLY'S SONGS ARE
GOOD.
>> SENATOR RAPHAEL WAR KNACK
CRITICIZED MARK ROBINSON CALLED
HIM CHIET SUPREMACY AND BLACK
FACE, WHICH IS ALSO THE NAME OF
COLIN'S SPECIAL.
>> HODA KOTB ANNOUNCED SHE IS
LEAVING THE TODAY SHOW AND SHE
WILL REMEMBER HER TIME FONDLY
AND NOT ALL ALL.
SHE WILL BE REPLACED BY -- OH,
NO, MATT LAURBY.
>> MAYOR ADAMS WAS INDICTED ON
BRIBERY AND WIRE FRAUD THIS
WEEK.
THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY OF NEW
YORK THAT A MAYOR HAS BEEN
INDICTED.
HERE TO COMMENT IS MAYOR ERIC
ADAMS.
>> MICHAEL CHE, LOOK AT US, MAN,
TWO NEW YORK CITY LEGENDS.
LET'S GO!
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, MAN.
BUT THANK YOU.
HOW YOU FEELING?
>> I'M FEELING RELIEVED.
>> REALLY?
>> NO.
BUT I AM FEELING DETERMINED.
ALL RIGHT?
I AM AN INNOCENT MAN.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME, MICHAEL.
MY FINGERS ARE STEEPLED, MY
SMILE IS OPTIMISTIC, AND MY
VOCABULARY IS EFFICIENT.
GOT MY EARRING ON BLOW.
MY ARM IS MUSCLING OUT THE
SHIRT, MY BRACELET IS JANG LING.
DO I LOOK GUILTY TO YOU?
>> YEAH, KIND OF.
>> I SPENT EVERY SINGLE DAY WITH
THE WORKING PEOPLE OF THIS CITY.
I WRITE THE DANCES, THE BOTTLE
GIRLS, FAT JOE, AND THEY SAY THE
SAME THING.
THEY SAY, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING
SWAGGER BACK TO THE CITY.
WHAT WAS ONCE A SWAGLESS DUMP IS
NOW A SWAGTROPOLIS.
WITH SIGNIFICANTLY MORE CRIME
THAN BEFORE.
>> WASN'T YOUR WHOLE PLATFORM TO
GET CRIME OFF THE STREETS.
>> AND I DID.
I GOT CRIME OFF THE STREETS AND
ON TO THE SIDEWALK AND SUBWAY.
I WAS ALSO THE FIRST MAYOR TO
GET OUT OF THE OFFICE AND INTO
THE VIP.
YOU KNOW WHERE WE HANG OUT,
MICHAEL CHE.
>> WE DON'T HANG OUT.
>> LOOK, THE INTERNET WOULD HAVE
YOU BELIEVE THAT I HAVE DONE
NOTHING AS A MAYOR.
I DID THAT LITTLE POLICE ROBOT,
BOW.
I INVENTED THE TRASH CAN, BANG.
ALSO I DECLARED WAR ON THE RATS,
AND YES, THE RATS ARE PRESENTLY
WINNING, BUT THE GAME AIN'T
OVER, BABY.
YEAH, I DID A WHOLE LOT OF
THINGS.
WE BOTH DID, HUH, MICHAEL CHE?
>> NO, WE DID NOT.
HOWEVER, YOU DID THINGS FOR THE
TURKISH GOVERNMENT EXCHANGE FOR
EXPENSIVE TRIPS.
>> SO YOU WANT YOUR MAYOR IN
COACH WITH MY LEGS ALL CRAMPED
AND MY MOUTH ALL DRY?
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT?
NEW YORK CITY NEEDS ME IN FIRST
CLASS, SHOES OFF, TIE, OFF,
BRACELETS, ON.
GETTING MY SHOULDERS RUBBED BY A
NICE TURKISH LADY.
THANK YOU, BABY.
>> BUT WHY?
WHY TURKEY?
>> TWO WORDS, MICHAEL.
GOBBLE GOBBLE.
I LOVE ME SOME TURKEY, MAN.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD A TURKEY
DELIGHT?
IT'S A BRIEFCASE WITH $100,000
IN IT.
I BE EATING THAT.
>> THAT SOUNDS REALLY ILLEGAL.
>> IT'S FINE, MAN.
DO NOT WORRY TOO MUCH.
JUST KNOW THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS,
I WILL NOT SNITCH ON YOU.
>> WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, MAN.
>> WE ARE FRIENDS AND WE ARE NEW
YORKERS.
>> DON'T YOU LIVE IN NEW JERSEY?
>> I LIVE IN THE SKIES.
TURKISH AIRLINES, BECAUSE YOU
ARE NOT SAFE ON THE SUBWAY.
>> MAYOR ADAMS, EVERYBODY.
>> HEY, FREE DIDDY.
FREE DIDDY.
>> ACTRESS MERYL STREEP SPOKE AT
THE U.N. AND WARNED THAT A CAT
HAS MORE FREEDOM IN AFGHANISTAN
THAN A WOMAN DOES, WHICH RAISES
AN IMPORTANT QUESTION, WHAT IS
THE U.N.?
>> ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT,
SCIENTISTS NOW BELIEVE THEY HAVE
PIN POINTED WHERE THE ASTEROID
THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS CAME
FROM.
SPACE.
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD BE
MORE -- WHATEVER.
A NEW SHOW ABOUT CONVICTED
MURDERERS THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS
SAYS THE BROTHERS HAD AN
INCESTOUS RELATIONSHIP.
SAID THE BROTHERS, WE'RE JUST
GLAD OUR PARENTS AREN'T AROUND
TO SEE THIS.
>> THIS WEEK, MARK ZUCKERBERG
DEMONSTRATED META'S NEW ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE GLASSES.
EXPLAINED ZUCKERBERG, BANANA.
>> A FAMILY REPORTED THEIR PET
CAT WHICH WENT MISSING IN
"YELLOWSTONE" NATIONAL PARK TWO
MONTHS AGO REAPPEARED AT THEIR
HOME 800 MILES AWAY AFTER BEING
CHASED BY A MOB OF HUNGRY
HAITIANS.
>> I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT.
ASTRONOMERS SAY AN ASTEROID THE
SIZE OF A SCHOOL BUS WILL SOON
ENTER EARTH'S ORBIT TEMPORARILY
BECOMING A NEW MINI MOON AND
MAKING OUR MOON LOOK LIKE AN OLD
FAT BITCH.
>> I DIDN'T KNOW WE COULD DO
THAT.
A COUPLE IN WASHINGTON STATE
WERE ARRESTED AFTER THEY TRIED
TO SELL THEIR BABY FOR $1,000
AND SOME BEER.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS
WHICH ONE OF THEM SAID, AND SOME
BEER.
>> A NUMBER OF TIKTOK USERS HAVE
BEEN POSTING VIDEOS THAT USE AI
TO TRANSLATE ADOLF HITLER'S
SPEECHES INTO ENGLISH.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> THEY'RE EATING THE DOGS.
PEOPLE THAT CAME IN, THEY'RE
EATING THE CATS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO DUMB.
WELL, GUYS, THIS SUMMER, A
TWO-MONTH-OLD PYGMY HIPPO IN DAY
LAND NAMED MOO DENG BECAME A
VIRAL SENSATION CAUSING HUGE
CROWDS AT HER ZOO ENCLOSURE WITH
SOME UNRULY FANS THROWING SHELL
FISH AT HER TO GET HER
ATTENTION.
HERE TO COMMENT IS MOO DENG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> STOP.
STOP CLAPPING.
HI, COLIN.
IS IT OKAY IF I SAY SOMETHING?
>> IS IT OKAY IF YOU SAY
SOMETHING?
SURE.
GO AHEAD, MOO DENG.
>> FOR THE PAST TEN WEEKS, I
HAVE BEEN GOING NONSTOP.
RUNNING AROUND, EATING LETTUCE,
TRYING TO BITE THE WATER FROM A
HOSE.
AND THE RESPONSE HAS BEEN
OVERWHELMING.
BUT IT HAS COME TO THE POINT
WHERE I NEED TO SET SOME
BOUNDARIES.
>> OH, YOU NEED TO SET
BOUNDARIES?
>> REMINDER, WOMEN OWE YOU
NOTHING.
WHEN I'M IN MY ENCLOSURE
TRIPPING OVER STUFF, BITING MY
TRAINER'S KNEE, I AM AT WORK.
THAT IS THE PROJECT.
DO NOT YELL MY NAME OR EXPECT A
PHOTO JUST BECAUSE OF I'M YOUR
PAR SOCIAL BESTIE OR BECAUSE YOU
APPRECIATE MY TALENT.
>> WHAT IS YOUR TALENT?
>> HAVING A SLIPPERY BODY THAT
BOUNCES.
COLIN, BEFORE ME, THE ONLY
HIPPOS IN MEDIA WERE EITHER
HUNGRY HUNGRY OR JADA PINKETT
SMITH IN MADAGASCAR.
BUT NOW, I'M YOUR FAVORITE
HIPPO'S FAVORITE HIPPO, AND I'M
THIRSTY THIRSTY.
HOSE!
SORRY.
I NEEDED THAT.
>> SORRY, MOO DENG, IT MUST BE
SO STRESSFUL HAVING THE WHOLE
WORLD WATCHING YOU.
>> HONESTLY, SOMETIMES I FEEL
LIKE I LIVE MY LIFE IN A CAGE,
LIKE AN ANIMAL TRAPPED IN A ZOO
FOR PEOPLE TO LOOK AT.
>> WELL, THAT'S KIND OF WHAT YOU
ARE.
>> NO, COLIN, I HAVE A CAREER,
OKAY?
I'VE BEEN APPROACHED BY BRANDS,
AWAY LUGGAGE, BUT I WILL ONLY
STAND BEHIND PRODUCTS THAT I
BELIEVE IN LIKE SWEET POTATOES
AND HOSE WATER.
HOSE!
SORRY.
I JUST REALLY WANTED SOME HOSE.
TRUST ME, I KNOW I WOULD NOT BE
IN THIS POSITION WITHOUT MY
FANS, MY COMMUNITY, MY MOO DENG
BOO THANG.
BUT THE HARASSMENT HAS BEEN
INTOLERABLE.
OKAY?
OH, MY GOD!
THEY'RE THROWING SELL FISH AND
BANANAS AT ME.
COLIN!
>> HEY!
YOU LEAVE MOO DENG ALONE!
>> WOW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, COLIN.
YOUR VOICE GOT SO LOUD.
THAT WAS SO BRAVE OF YOU.
>> I HAVE TO SAY, MOO DENG, YOU
KNOW, YOUR LIFE SOUNDS A LOT
LIKE CHAPEL ROAN'S LATELY.
DO YOU KNOW CHAPEL ROAN?
>> I'M TEN WEEKS OLD, COLIN, OF
COURSE I KNOW CHAPEL ROAN.
BY THE WAY, LEAVE HER ALONE.
LET HER TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS SHE
NEEDS FOR HER MENTAL HEALTH.
WE BOTH DESERVE PATIENCE AND
GRACE, SO STOP HARASSING HER AND
STOP THROWING SHELL FISH AT HER.
>> I DON'T THINK SHE HAS THAT
PROBLEM.
>> IT'S A MATTER OF TIME, COLIN.
THIS IS WHAT SOCIETY DOES.
IT PUTS YOUNG WOMEN ON PEDESTALS
ONLY TO KNOCK THEM DOWN WITH
SHELL FISH.
AND ALSO, I KNOW I'M ONLY TEN
WEEKS OLD, BUT THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT TO ME, SO PLEASE
LISTEN.
I WILL NOT BE MAKING AN
ENDORSEMENT IN THIS YEAR'S
ELECTION.
>> THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION?
REALLY?
>> YES.
I'M GETTING STRESSED OUT AGAIN,
COLIN.
CAN I BITE YOUR KNEE?
>> NO.
>> FINE.
SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS TO RESPECT
PEOPLE'S BOUNDARIES?
HOSE!
OH, NO, COLIN, YOUR WIG!
>> MY WIG!
MOO DENG, EVERYONE!
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN
>>> WELCOME BACK TO CNN'S THE
HISTORY OF THE SITCOM, THE ONLY SHOW SPECIFICALLY MEANT TO BE
WATCHED IN YOUR PARENTS'
HOSPITAL ROOM.
WE ALL REMEMBER THE CBS SITCOM I
LOVE LUCY WHICH DEBUTED IN 1951
AND QUICKLY BECAUSE OF A
PHENOMENON.
WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW IS
BEFORE LUCILLE BALL, EDNA
BURKEN, A DRAMATIC STAGE ACTRESS
LOOKING TO BREAK INTO TELEVISION
HAD THE ROLE.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> LUCY, I'M HOME!
>> WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
>> WHAT?
>> I SAID WHERE THE HELL HAVE
YOU BEEN?
>> LUCY, YOU KNOW I WAS DOWN AT
THE CLUB.
>> FOR 15 GOD DAMN HOURS?
DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT?
>> AY, LUCY.
>> BAD, RIGHT?
MANY PEOPLE WONDERED WHY CBS
WOULD CAST A DRAMATIC ACTRESS IN
A SITCOM.
TELEVISION WAS STILL YOUNG.
THE ONLY TV STAR UP TO THIS
POINT WAS A HORSE WHO SMOKED
CIGARETTES.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT ANOTHER
FAMOUS SCENE.
>> OKAY, LUCY.
WHICH NECKTIE WOULD BE THE BEST
FOR MY BIG PERFORMANCE TONIGHT?
THE YELLOW ONE OR THE RED ONE?
>> ARE YOU GAY?
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOU HAVE TO TELL ME BECAUSE
I'M TIRED OF LIVING THIS WAY.
>> LUCY, I THINK YOU'RE GOING
LOCO.
>> AM I?
AM I?
WE SLEEP IN SEPARATE BEDS.
ON OUR WEDDING NIGHT, YOU RAN TO
THE BATHROOM TO THROW UP.
AND FRANKLY, YOUR ACCENT IS A
LITTLE --
>> HOW YOU WANT ME TO SOUND,
LUCY?
I'M CUBAN.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET ME PUT THIS IN A WAY YOU'LL
UNDERSTAND.
TU SOY GAY.
>> AY, LUCY.
>> FUN FACT ABOUT EDNA.
AFTER THE SHOW, SHE WOULD GO ON
TO NAME HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN
THE INDUSTRY SHE SUSPECTED OF
BEING COMMUNISTS.
THIS WAS IN 1992, SO THAT WASN'T
A THING ANYMORE.
IN ORDER TO LIGHTEN UP THE SHOW,
PRODUCERS ADDED TWO NEW ACTORS,
FRED AND ETHEL.
>> OKAY, YOU TWO, WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN?
YOU HAVE SOME ANSWERS TO
PROVIDE.
>> I KNOW WHERE THEY WERE,
SPENDING MY MONEY.
NOW SHOW ME WHAT'S BEHIND YOUR
BACK, ETHEL.
THE OTHER HAND.
>> ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
WE WENT SHOPPING.
>> AND LUCY, WHAT'S BEHIND YOUR
BACK?
OH, MY GOD!
>> HASTA LA VISTA, POPPY.
>> CBS IMMEDIATELY RECAST EDNA
WITH LUCILLE BALL WHICH MADE A
LOT MORE SENSE.
THIS HAS BEEN HISTORY OF A
SITCOM.
>>> LIVE FROM THE BOILER ROOM, IT'S THE TALK TALK SHOW WITH CHARLI XCX.
>> WHATEVER, WHATEVER.
HI, IT'S ME.
PARTY GIRL CHARLI XCX.
THIS IS MY TALK SHOW WHERE WE
TALK TALK ABOUT WHAT I'M ON
ABOUT, WHICH MEANS ALWAYS IT'S
AUSTRALIAN DINGO TROY TROYE.
TROYE, ARE YOU HAPPY TO BE HERE?
>> NO.
LET'S GET INTO IT, TODAY'S TOP
IS LECTION.
I WENT VIRAL WHEN I TWEETED
KAMALA IS BRAT FROM A TOILET IN
TACO FRESCOS, WHICH LEFT
EVERYONE FROM YOUR MOM TO JAKE
TAPPER WONDERING WHAT IS THAT.
TO EXPLAIN OUR FIRST SEGMENT IS
BRAT OR NAT?
HUNTER BIDEN'S LAPTOP, BRAT.
MARK ROBINSON'S SEARCH HISTORY,
NAT.
BARRON TRUMP GOING TO NYU, BRAT.
NYU, NAT.
AMY ADAMS IN NIGHTBITCH, BRAT.
ERIC ADAMS INDICTMENT, NAT.
AND OF COURSE MY AUNT'S BREAST
REDUCTION SURGERY, BRAT.
SO HAPPY FOR YOU CAROL, YOU CAN
RUN AGAIN.
YEA.
DOES THAT CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU TROYE?
>> YEAH.
>> ARE YOU TELLING THE TRUTH?
>> NO.
>> YOU'RE SO GAY.
NOW IT'S TIME TO WELCOME OUR
GUESTS.
PLEASE WELCOME QUEER NIGHT LIFE
ICON SUSANNE BARTSCH AND CAITLIN
COLLINS.
HELLO.
>> PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.
>> THANK YOU, DARLING.
TO BE HERE IS WOW.
>> NOW, IS THIS A POLITICAL TALK
SHOW.
>> TIS, BABE.
LET'S GET INTO IT.
PRESIDENT BIDEN ADDRESSED THE
UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK AS
CONFLICT IN THE MIDDLE EAST
RAGES ON.
SUSANNE, YOUR THOUGHTS?
>> IT REMINDS ME OF THIS ONE
NIGHT IN THE '80s, THAT MY BEST
FRIENDS BOB AND DIANA ROSS WERE
HOLDING MY HAIR BACK AS I WHERE
HE SHALL THREW UP IN THE TOILET.
AND BOB SAID TO YOU YOU'VE GOT
TO CLEAN UP YOUR ACT, AND THAT'S
WHAT THEY NEED TO DO IN THE
MIDDLE EAST.
>> CAITLIN, HAVE YOU EVER DONE
KETAMINE?
>> NO.
>> REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS ARE UNDER
ATTACK.
CAITLIN, WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ON SNOOP ON THE VOICE?
>> AM I GOING TO GET A QUESTION
ON CURRENT EVENTS?
>> I WISH WE COULD, DARLING, BUT
IT'S TIME TO GO.
YOU'RE SO JULIA FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS JASMINE
CROCKETT.
>> THANK YOU.
WOULD YOU SAY I'M THE MOST BRAT
CONGRESSWOMAN?
>> I THINK IT'S A TIE BETWEEN
YOU AND LAUREN BOEBERT AFTER SHE
GOT HER JUBILEES SQUEEZED TO
BEETLE JUICE.
>> THAT'S FAIR.
>> I HAVE A SONG ON MY ALBUM
CALLED MEAN GIRLS, AND YOU WENT
VIRAL THIS SUMMER FOR WHAT YOU
CALLED MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN.
WHAT WAS IT?
>> BLEACH BLOND BAD BUILT BUTCH
BODY.
>> LOVE THAT.
I WANT TO HEAR YOU POP UP ON
EVERYTHING.
SO THIS IS JASMINE CROCKETT'S
MEAN GIRL CAM.
J.D. VANCE?
>> SMOKY EYES, CAN'T ORDER
DONUTS BUT HAS DONUT BODY.
>> YES MATT GATES.
>> PUNCHABLE BIG, PERVERT, FACE
CARD ALWAYS DECLINED.
>> WORK.
GERRYMANDERING.
>> CRAZY SHAPED CROOKED BITCH.
WHY IS THAT COUNTY SHAPED LIKE A
TAPEWORM WITH A HAT ON?
>> THANK YOU, JASMINE.
TROYE, WHAT DO WE DO NEXT?
>> IT'S TIME TO GO.
>> AWE, WELL, TO PLAY US OFF,
I'M GOING TO SING A SONG I WROTE
ABOUT CANVASSING.
TROYE, BUMP THAT.
¶ YOU SAY THAT YOU'RE UNDECIDED,
BUT WE CAN'T CONNECT YOUR RING
CAM THAT'S WORKING OUT ON YOUR
STOOP.
GI, S
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JELLY ROLL! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ¶¶
¶ THE BROKEN GLASS OF A BOTTLE,
AND RIGHT NOW, I GOT TWO SHAKY
HANDS, ONLY ONE WAY TO STOP
THEM ¶
HAVEN'T TOUCHED A DROP IN SEVEN
HOURS THREE MINUTES HARDLY
SOBERED UP ALREADY WANT TO QUIT
QUITTIN' SWEATIN' IN AN OLD
CHURCH BASEMENT WISHIN' I WAS
¶ NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SAY
THIS, HELLO, MY NAME IS JASON.
¶ AND I'VE BEEN LOSING MYSELF,
I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND ¶
¶ AND I'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE
RAIN JUST TRYING TO STAY DRY ¶
¶ I WAS SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS
SEAT TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20
YEARS CLEAN ¶
CLEAN HE SAID EVERYBODY HERE'S
FELT THE SAME DEFEAT NOBODY
WALKS THROUGH THESE DOORS ON A
WINNING STREAK ¶
¶ HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HEY, HOLD ON
THE BROKEN MAN IN THE MIRROR
CAN'T LOOK AT ME BECAUSE HE'S
GUILTY, AND I SWEAR THE LAST
COUPLE MONTHS THAT -- TRIED TO
KILL ME.
BY THE TIME I SAW IT COMING, WAS
DONE WITH IT ALREADY.
¶ IT'S HARD TO
TO RUN FROM IT WHEN IT RUNS IN
THE FAMILY A PROBLEM WITH A
THOUSAND MORE IT'S CAUSING DAMN
THIS IS EXHAUSTING, THIS IS WHY
I WALKED IN ¶
¶ I'VE BEEN LOSING MYSELF, I'VE
BEEN LOSING MY MIND ¶
¶ I'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE RAIN
JUST TRYING TO STAY DRY, I WAS
SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS SEAT
TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20 YEARS
CLEAN ¶
¶ HE SAID EVERYBODY HERE'S FELT
THE SAME DEFEAT, NOBODY WALKS
THROUGH HERE ON A WINNING
STREAK ¶
¶ I'M TIRED OF BEING BROKEN, I'M
SICK OF FEELING HOPELESS, WAY
DOWN HERE AT MY LOWEST ¶
¶ AT THE END OF MY ROPE, AT THE
END OF MY ROPE, SO WHAT DO I DO,
SO WHAT DO I DO, SO WHAT DO I
DO ¶
¶ AND I'VE LOSING MYSELF, I'VE
BEEN LOSING MY MIND, AND I'VE
BEEN STANDING IN THE RAIN JUST
TRYING TO STAY DRY ¶
¶ I WAS SO ASHAMED TO BE IN THIS
SEAT TIL I MET A MAN WHO WAS 20
YEARS CLEAN, HE SAID EVERYBODY
IN HERE'S FELT THE SAME DEFEAT ¶
¶ NOBODY WALKS THROUGH THESE
DOORS ON A WINNING STREAK, HOLD
ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON ¶
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> YOU'RE WATCHING BRAVO. LATER IT'S MILLION DOLLAR ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT.
BUT NOW WE RETURN TO THE REAL
HOUSEWIVES OF SANTA FE.
>> THINGS HAVE BEEN TENSE
BETWEEN JILL AND LOUISE SINCE
THE GIRLS' TRIP TO LAKE MEAD, SO
WE'RE ALL GETTING DINNER AT
RANCH HILL MEXICAN TO CLEAR THE
AIR.
>> I'M SO GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS.
>> UGH, SAME.
I NEEDED TO GET AWAY FROM
RUNNING MY NEW MAKEUP LINE,
BEAUTY BY JILL.
IT'S BEEN SO MUCH WORK, YOU
GUYS.
>> GIVE ME A BREAK.
>> EXCUSE ME?
IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,
LOUISE, JUST SAY IT. >> YOU BRING UP BEAUTY BY JILL
EVERY FIVE SECONDS, I'M SICK OF
HEARING ABOUT IT.
>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT A BUSINESS
WOMAN, LOUISE, SO YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
>> NOW I'M NOT A BUSINESS WOMAN?
MY HUSBAND AND I OWN OWN
BUSINESSES ALL OVER THE TOWN,
SWEETIE.
>> YOUR HUSBAND MADE A PASS AT
ME AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY.
>> BECAUSE HE THOUGHT YOU WERE A
HORSE, BITCH!
>> OKAY.
WHO'S READY FOR FAJITAS.
>> HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME!
>> THAT WAS WAY OUT OF LINE.
>> STAY OUT OF THIS, BRIE,
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A BIDS WOMAN.
>> SO NOW I'M NOT A BUSINESS
WOMAN?
CANDLES BY BRIE IS NOT A
BUSINESS?
>> WATCH OUT.
IT'S HOT.
>> YOUR HOUSE SMELLS LIKE EGGS,
LOUISE.
>> LADIES, PLEASE, LET'S NOT
RUIN DINNER.
>> SHUT UP, YVONNE, YOU'RE NOT
EVEN A BUSINESS WOMAN.
>> SO NOW I'M NOT A BUSINESS
WOMAN?
>> I JUST NEED A LITTLE ROOM FOR
THESE.
>> BABY, IF YOU NEED TO PUT THEM
DOWN, PUT THEM DOWN.
TELL ME HOW HATS BY YVONNE IS
NOT A BUSINESS.
>> WELL, THIS ISN'T ALWAYS ABOUT
YOU.
>> I AM A BUSINESS WOMAN!
AND A MOTHER, AND WHEN YOU
DISRESPECT MY BUSINESS, HATS BY
YVONNE, YOU DISRESPECT MY
CHILDREN AND MY CHILDREN'S
BUSINESSES AS WELL, AND THAT I
WILL NOT ALLOW.
SIR, WHAT IS THIS?
I DIDN'T ORDER THIS.
I ORDERED FAJITAS.
>> THESE ARE FAJITAS.
>> WELL THEN THEY'RE NOT WHAT I
THOUGHT THEY WERE.
PLEASE TAKE THEM BACK.
KAREN'S HUSBAND IS 105.
>> HOW DARE YOU.
HOW DARE YOU BRING UP MY
105-YEAR-OLD HUSBAND?
HOW DARE YOU!
>> SWEETIE, PLEASE, THE BUSINESS
WOMEN ARE TALKING.
>> SO NOW I'M NOT A BUSINESS
WOMAN?
SO NOW FULL PROFIT PRISONS ARE
NOT A BUSINESS.
I CAN'T STAND THIS.
YOU WOMEN ARE ALWAYS FAKE!
I DON'T NEED THIS.
YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC, YOU'RE A
HOME WRECKER, AND I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.
>> I'M JUST TRYING TO PUT DOWN
THE FAJITAS.
>> THEY'VE BEEN VERY LOUD AND
MADE THE WHOLE PLACE SMELL.
>> LOUISE, PLEASE SIT DOWN,
DON'T GO.
>> THANK YOU FOR LUNCH.
SIR, COULD YOU PLEASE BOX THIS
UP FOR MY HUSBAND?
>> YOU WANT TO TAKE ALL THE
FAJITAS?
>> YES.
>> GO AHEAD, RUN AWAY TO YOUR
SHORT TINY HUSBAND IN HIS SHINY
SHIRT.
>> YOU READY TO GO?
>> ALL YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!
>> NICE TO SEE YOU GIRLS.
>> OKAY.
GOT THE FAJITAS RIGHT HERE.
DID SHE LEAVE?
>> YES.
>> WHERE IS OUR FOOD?
>> IS THIS HOW YOU CONDUCT
>>> THANKS TO JELLY ROLL, MAYA RUDOLPH, JIM GAFFIGAN -- I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME!