1 00:00:02,435 --> 00:00:05,505 >> Announcer: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD 2 00:00:05,505 --> 00:00:08,908 TRUMP FROM HIS NEW HOME, THE BARRICADES OUTSIDE OF A MANHATTAN COURTHOUSE. 3 00:00:08,908 --> 00:00:14,781 [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GREETINGS, EVERYONE. 4 00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:21,021 AND THANK YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT ME IN MY CAGE AT THE ZOO. I'M REALLY ENJOYING THESE 5 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:24,724 POST-COURT PRESS CONFERENCES IN THIS VERY WEIRD AND DEPRESSING HALLWAY. 6 00:00:24,724 --> 00:00:29,362 I DON'T LIKE BEING IN COURT BECAUSE THEY SAY VERY MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME WHILE I AM 7 00:00:29,362 --> 00:00:34,534 TRYING TO SLEEP. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT I LOVE BEING OUT HERE IN THE 8 00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:39,973 HALLWAY OUTSIDE COURT. DARING JUDGE TO IMPRISON ME. HE GAVE ME A GAG ORDER. 9 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:43,576 I SAID THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE ON RUPAUL. [ LAUGHTER ] 10 00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:50,717 BUT YOU KNOW, IN MANY WAYS COURT HAS BEEN GREAT FOR ME. IT'S BEEN VERY EYE-CLOSENING. 11 00:00:50,717 --> 00:00:54,554 [ LAUGHTER ] UNFORTUNATELY, AT THE END OF THIS TRIAL IT LOOKS LIKE I'M 12 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:58,124 GETTING A VERY HARSH SENTENCE AND BEING SENT TO A HORRIBLE PLACE I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO. 13 00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:02,796 THE WHITE HOUSE. [ LAUGHTER ] I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THE 14 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,899 WHITE HOUSE BUT IT APPEARS PEOPLE WANT TO SEND ME THERE. WHY? 15 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:09,736 I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T TELL YOU. FOR ME MUCH BETTER TO NOT WIN 16 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:15,075 AND SAY IT WAS RIGGED AND THEN GET VERY RICH RAISING MONEY TO STOP THE STEAL AND YOU NEVER 17 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,078 HAVE TO DO PRESIDENT AGAIN. I LIKE THAT A LOT. [ LAUGHTER ] 18 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:22,649 WE SHOULD DO THAT. BUT NOW MY DEFENSE IN THIS TRIAL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN ON MONDAY. 19 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:27,287 AND TRUST ME, I WOULD LOVE TO TESTIFY. I'M NOT AFRAID TO TESTIFY AT 20 00:01:27,287 --> 00:01:32,225 ALL. I'M JUST NOT GOING TO OUT OF FEAR. 21 00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:35,228 [ LAUGHTER ] YOU SEE, THEY DO A TERRIBLE THING WHEN YOU TESTIFY, WHICH IS 22 00:01:35,228 --> 00:01:40,266 THEY WRITE IT DOWN AND WE DON'T LIKE THAT. THAT WAS A JUROR. 23 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:44,371 DID YOU SEE HER FACE? EVERYONE JUST SAW HER FACE, AND NOW HER LIFE IS OVER, FOLKS. 24 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:49,109 MY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SCREENSHOT HER FACE AND DOX HER TO HELL. 25 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:51,444 WE LOVE TO DOX. GOT TO PULL THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL, SWEETIE. 26 00:01:51,444 --> 00:01:56,616 [ LAUGHTER ] PULL THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL. THEY CALL HER JUROR 9. 27 00:01:56,616 --> 00:02:02,088 BUT TO ME SHE'S LIKE A 6 MAYBE. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, GET OVER IT. 28 00:02:02,088 --> 00:02:05,692 NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ABOUT MY VP. WE LOVE TO SAY VP. 29 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:12,599 VP! LIKE VEEP WITH ELAINE FROM "SEINFELD." 30 00:02:12,599 --> 00:02:17,737 SHE CAN'T DANCE. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ANNOUNCE MY VP PICK JUST YET. 31 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:22,342 IN MANY WAYS IT WILL BE DETERMINED BY THE WINNER OF THE JAKE PAUL-MIKE TYSON FIGHT. 32 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,945 SO WE'LL BE WATCHING THAT VERY CLOSELY. [ LAUGHTER ] 33 00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:31,384 BUT I HAVE INVITED A FEW NAMES FROM MY SHORT BUS -- I MEAN MY SHORT LIST. 34 00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:33,953 [ LAUGHTER ] TO COME TO COURT AND DO A LITTLE DANCE FOR ME. 35 00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:39,092 THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY BUT INSTEAD THEY'RE SITTING IN PORN COURT HOPING 36 00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:41,861 I'LL SMILE AT THEM. IT'S REALLY SAD. IT'S VERY SAD. 37 00:02:41,861 --> 00:02:43,763 FIRST WE'VE GOT SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT. >> YEAH! 38 00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:54,641 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S RIGHT. SENATOR TIM SCOTT IN THE 39 00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,911 HIZZOUSE. AND I'M HERE TO HELP TRUMP WIN THE BLACK VOTE. 40 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:02,048 SPECIFICALLY MY VOTE. NO OTHER BLACK VOTES BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME. 41 00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:05,518 >> IT'S TRUE. I'M MORE POPULAR THAN YOU AMONG BLACKS. 42 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,420 WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. >> PEOPLE HAVE CALLED MY SUPPORT 43 00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:12,058 OF TRUMP HUMILIATING. BUT TRUST ME, I AM MY OWN MAN. WHEN DONALD TRUMP SAYS JUMP I 44 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:18,398 DON'T SAY HOW HIGH. I SAY HERE COMES THE JUMP I WAS GOING TO DO ANYWAY. 45 00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:22,769 [ LAUGHTER ] >> NEXT OF COURSE WE HAVE A TOTAL SWEETHEART AND FRANKLY 46 00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:31,111 KIND OF A HOTTIE BOOM-BATI. IT'S SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR KRISTI NOEM. 47 00:03:31,111 --> 00:03:34,647 >> NOBODY MOVE OR THE PUPPY GETS IT! I'M KIDDING. 48 00:03:34,647 --> 00:03:37,117 IT'S A FAKE DOG. BUT IT'S A REAL GUN. [ LAUGHTER ] 49 00:03:37,117 --> 00:03:43,189 >> YOU KNOW, KRISTI COULD BE AN INTERESTING PICK FOR VP. BECAUSE ON ONE HAND SHE SHOT A 50 00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:48,528 DOG, WHICH YOU REALLY CAN'T DO. DON'T SHOOT DOGS, FOLKS. SHE JUMPED THE SHARK WHEN SHE 51 00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:51,364 SHOT THE DOG. FONZIE. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, SHE SHOT 52 00:03:51,364 --> 00:03:56,136 A DOG. WHICH IS PRETTY AWESOME. >> I KILL GOATS TOO. 53 00:03:56,136 --> 00:04:00,440 >> OKAY. YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE, SWEETIE. KRISTI NOEM, EVERYBODY. 54 00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:05,812 AND FINALLY, MY LAST AND FAVORITE CHOICE IS A MAN I CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT. 55 00:04:05,812 --> 00:04:12,052 IN MY RALLIES. IT'S THE LATE GREAT HANNIBAL LECTER. 56 00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:13,219 [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] THERE HE IS. 57 00:04:13,219 --> 00:04:16,189 LOOK AT HIM. I KEEP CALLING HIM LATE AND GREAT EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT DEAD, 58 00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:21,561 HE'S NOT GREAT, AND HE'S NOT REAL. BUT I THINK HE WOULD REALLY 59 00:04:21,561 --> 00:04:25,198 SCARE EVERYBODY AT THE BORDER, RIGHT? CAN ANYONE ELSE SEE HIM OR IS IT 60 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,833 JUST ME? [ LAUGHTER ] OKAY. 61 00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,536 GET HIM OUT OF HERE. WE'RE DONE. HE'S GIVING ME PENCE VIBES. 62 00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:33,873 I DON'T LIKE THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY WRAP 63 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:37,510 THIS UP BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST SUMMER. AND I PROMISE IT'S GOING TO BE 64 00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:42,782 THE SUMMER OF TRUMP. YOU'RE GOING TO GET THAT TRUMP ESPRESSO. 65 00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:48,221 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO MANY FUN THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO. 66 00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:52,892 I'LL BE SELLING MORE TRUMP BIBLES. BUT THIS SUMMER I'M DOING JEWISH 67 00:04:52,892 --> 00:04:58,098 BIBLE AS WELL. THEY CALL IT TORAH. DO YOU LOVE BIBLE BUT THINK 68 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:04,037 JESUS WAS JUST A REGULAR GUY? THEN PICK UP TRUMP TORAH. [ LAUGHTER ] 69 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:07,507 AND THEN OF COURSE I'M GOING TO BE DOING ANOTHER JANUARY 6th, THIS TIME IN JULY. 70 00:05:07,507 --> 00:05:12,812 GOING TO BE FUN. YOU SEE ALL THOSE GUYS BACK AT THE CAPITOL BUT THIS TIME IN 71 00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:15,615 SHORTS. [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, JUST REMEMBER, IF 72 00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:19,853 YOU'RE TIRED ABOUT HEARING ALL OF MY TRIALS, ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS VOTE FOR ME AND IT WILL 73 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:25,692 ALL GO AWAY. [ LAUGHTER ] SO IN THE WORDS OF MY HERO AND 74 00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:31,064 MENTOR THE LATE GREAT HANNIBAL LECTER, LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 75 00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:36,403 ** >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY 76 00:05:36,403 --> 00:05:43,309 NIGHT LIVE"! WITH -- 77 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:27,247 MUSICAL GUEST SABRINA CARPENTER! 78 00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:33,420 AND YOUR HOST, JAKE GYLLENHAAL! 79 00:07:37,190 --> 00:07:42,629 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JAKE GYLLENHAAL! 80 00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:56,576 ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK 81 00:07:56,576 --> 00:08:01,815 YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S GREAT, GREAT TO BE HOSTING 82 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:10,357 THE FINALE OF SEASON 49. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I MEAN, WHEN YOU THINK OF 83 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:15,628 HISTORIC TELEVISION SEASONS, THE FIRST NUMBER THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD IS 49. 84 00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:18,498 [ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, SURE, YOU KNOW, ONE MORE EPISODE AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN 85 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:23,370 HOSTING THE PREMIERE OF THE 50th SEASON. BUT WHO CARES? 86 00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:28,375 YOU KNOW. 40 IS A GREAT NUMBER. I MEAN, SEVEN TIMES SEVEN. 87 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:34,814 CLASSIC. OH, AND 49 IS LIKE 69 BUT EASIER. 88 00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:39,185 [ LAUGHTER ] ALSO, 49 IS THE NUMBER OF TIMES CONOR McGREGOR ACCIDENTALLY 89 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:46,893 PUNCHED ME DURING "ROAD HOUSE." [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO 90 00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:53,633 WORK WITH CONOR, AND I ALWAYS SAY OH, SO GREAT BECAUSE I'M SCARED HE'S NEARBY. 91 00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:56,403 [ LAUGHTER ] BUT THE POINT IS I'M HONORED TO BE HOSTING TONIGHT. 92 00:08:56,403 --> 00:09:03,143 BECAUSE I DID SOME RESEARCH AND I LEARNED THAT "SNL" ALWAYS BRINGS OUT THE BIG GUNS TO HOST 93 00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:06,546 THE -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH. 94 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,716 OKAY. THEY DO ALWAYS BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS, BUT THEY REALLY BRING OUT 95 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:13,687 THE BIG GUNS TO HOST THE LAST EPISODE BEFORE THE BIG ANNIVERSARY SEASON. 96 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:19,192 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LIKE YOU KNOW WHO HOSTED THE SEASON 9 FINALE? 97 00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:23,730 THAT'S RIGHT. MAYOR ED KOCH. [ LAUGHTER ] 98 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:28,034 YEAH. THE KOCH MAN HIMSELF. AND I KNOW WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR 99 00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:33,840 SEASON 50. BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T GET TO 50 WITHOUT A LITTLE BIT OF 49. 100 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:45,285 AND WE'RE HERE AT THE FINALE. THE END OF THE ROAD. * WE BELONG TOGETHER * 101 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:54,594 * AND YOU KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT * * I'VE LOVED YOU RIGHT FROM THE START * 102 00:09:54,594 --> 00:10:03,003 * OH SEASON 49 * * YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY "SNL'S" FIRST CHOICE TO HOST THE 103 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:06,039 FINALE * * AFTER A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID NO * 104 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:09,442 [ LAUGHTER ] * I GUESS THEY'RE ALL HOLDING OUT FOR THE 50th * 105 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:18,151 * BUT NOT ME, NOT LITTLE J.G. * * I'M THE ONE WHO SAID YEAH * * THEY ASKED PEDRO PASCAL BUT HE 106 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:25,992 WASN'T AROUND * * ZENDAYA SAID NO 'CAUSE SHE'D BE OUT OF TOWN * 107 00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:34,901 * EVEN ASKED GOSLING TO COME BACK AGAIN * * JUST HOSTED THREE SHOWS AGO * 108 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:44,878 * ALTHOUGH WE'VE COME TO THE END OF THE ROAD * * IT'S THE LAST EPISODE * 109 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:54,020 * TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE * * SEASON 49 * * YOU'LL BE 50 SOON * 110 00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:57,424 * GIRL * * WE DID A LOT OF SKETCHES THIS YEAR * 111 00:10:57,424 --> 00:11:10,103 * AND MOST OF THEM WERE FINE * * IT'S ONE OF THE TOP 48 SEASONS * 112 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:15,308 * SEASON 49 * * AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS THE END OF ONE SEASON * 113 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:21,715 * I'D LIKE TO THINK IT'S ALSO THE START OF A NEW ONE * * IN MANY WAYS THIS IS THE REAL 114 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:24,851 EPISODE, FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON 50 * >> NOPE. 115 00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:30,557 NO, IT'S NOT. >> HAD TO TRY. * IT'S BEEN 49 YEARS * 116 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:37,564 * OVER 900 SHOWS * * COSTUMES AND WIGS AND A ROOM FULL OF BLOW * 117 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:45,972 * SO MANY STARS * * HAVE WALKED OUT THAT DOOR * * SO HERE'S TO 49 MORE * 118 00:11:45,972 --> 00:11:52,946 * WE'VE COME * * TO THE END OF THE ROAD * * LET ME HEAR YOU * 119 00:11:52,946 --> 00:12:03,056 * IT'S THE LAST EPISODE * * TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE * * TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE * 120 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:11,398 * SEASON 49 * * WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ** >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR 121 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,833 YOU TONIGHT! SABRINA CARPENTER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND! 122 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:17,671 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK! 123 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:35,321 >>> CHRIS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, SEEMS LIKE MY DAUGHTER PICKED A 124 00:12:35,321 --> 00:12:38,191 GOOD ONE. >> WELL, THANK YOU, SIR. I LOVE HER A LOT. 125 00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:43,229 IT MEANS SO MUCH TO FINALLY MEET HER FOLKS. >> WELL, US TOO, YOU KNOW. 126 00:12:43,229 --> 00:12:46,766 NOW, HOW LONG TILL DINNER? CHRIS AND I ARE STARVING. >> I'M FINE. 127 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:48,868 REALLY. >> OKAY. WELL, EASY, TIGER. 128 00:12:48,868 --> 00:12:53,239 THE ROAST IS ALMOST DONE. JUST TEN MORE MINUTES. >> IN THAT CASE, MOM, I WANTED 129 00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:56,109 TO GO GRAB SOME OF MY OLD STUFF FROM THE ATTIC. IS THAT OKAY? 130 00:12:56,109 --> 00:13:00,680 >> SURE. YOU BOYS OKAY WITHOUT US? >> I THINK WE'LL BE FINE. 131 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:04,484 >> OKAY. NOW, STEVEN, YOU STAY OUT OF THOSE COOKIES ON THE COUNTER. 132 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:14,661 HE ALWAYS TRIES TO SNEAK ONE BEFORE DINNER. >> GUILTY AT CHARGES. 133 00:13:14,661 --> 00:13:19,132 >> SIR, I KNOW WE JUST MET, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO ASK YOU. 134 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:23,336 >> DON'T TELL THE MISSUS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HEY, MY LIPS ARE SEALED. 135 00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:27,240 >> OUR LITTLE SECRET. OKAY? >> YEAH, SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME. 136 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,077 >> I'M SERIOUS. DON'T SAY ANYTHING. [ LAUGHTER ] 137 00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:35,081 >> OH, YEAH. NO, I WON'T. >> AND YOU HEARD HER, RIGHT? 138 00:13:35,081 --> 00:13:37,884 YOU HEARD HER SAY DON'T HAVE A COOKIE. BUT I'M HAVING ONE. 139 00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:40,420 [ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH-I HEARD HER. >> COOL. 140 00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:44,124 SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO ROLL WITH ME ON THIS COOKIE THING, RIGHT? 141 00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,093 DON'T BITCH OUT ON ME. [ LAUGHTER ] >> YES, I'LL ROLL WITH YOU ON 142 00:13:47,093 --> 00:13:52,699 THE COOKIE. >> OKAY. >> JUST EAT IT. 143 00:13:52,699 --> 00:14:00,607 [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHOO! GOD, THAT'S A GOOD COOKIE! 144 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:03,643 ANYWAY. YOU WANTED TO ASK ME SOMETHING? >> YES, SIR. 145 00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:09,349 I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOUR DAUGHTER MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I WAS WONDERING IF -- 146 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:16,322 >> YOU WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER? >> YES, SIR. 147 00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:20,727 >> YOU HAVE MY BLESSING. BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU LOVE HER, AND I CAN TELL SHE LOVES YOU. 148 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:25,298 AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU GOT MY BACK ON THE COOKIE THING, RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ] 149 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:29,235 >> YES, SIR. I GOT YOUR BACK ON THE COOKIE THING. 150 00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:32,872 >> AND WE'RE BACK. WHAT DID YOU BOYS TALK ABOUT WHILE WE WERE GONE? 151 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:38,278 >> WELL, ACTUALLY, SOMETHING PRETTY BIG JUST HAPPENED. HANNAH, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED 152 00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,648 TO SAY. >> CHRIS, CAN I JUST TALK TO YOU IN THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND? 153 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:48,254 >> YEAH, SURE. >> HEY! WERE YOU ABOUT TO TELL THEM 154 00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:51,191 ABOUT THE COOKIE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT? 155 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:54,861 NO. >> BECAUSE MAYBE I'M STUPID BUT I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR ABOUT THE 156 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:57,797 COOKIE. >> YOU WERE CLEAR. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE COOKIE. 157 00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:02,535 I'M TRYING TO PROPOSE. >> WELL, JUST KEEP THE COOKIE OUT OF IT! 158 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:07,107 >> BABE? DAD, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? >> EVERYTHING'S FINE, SWEETIE. 159 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:12,946 >> LOOK, IF YOU BRING UP THE COOKIE ONE MORE TIME, I WILL KILL YOU. 160 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:17,417 [ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU ARE COVERED IN CRUMBS. THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO GIVE YOU 161 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,886 AWAY. >> BITCH, I'VE ALWAYS GOT CRUMBS ON ME. 162 00:15:19,886 --> 00:15:22,622 THAT AIN'T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, MY GOD. 163 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:26,326 WHO HAD A COOKIE? STEVE, DID YOU HAVE A COOKIE AGAIN? 164 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:28,128 >> WHAT? BABY, NO. I -- 165 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:33,767 >> I HAD A COOKIE. [ LAUGHTER ] PLEASE, MA'AM, I JUST -- I 166 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:40,840 COULDN'T WAIT. I'M SORRY. >> DAD, IS THIS TRUE? 167 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,678 >> YEAH. CHRIS HAD A COOKIE. >> CHRISTOPHER. 168 00:15:44,678 --> 00:15:51,685 THOSE ARE MY MOM'S PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES. YOU'RE ALLERGIC. 169 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:54,688 >> WHAT? >> OH, MY GOD. CALL AN AMBULANCE! 170 00:15:54,688 --> 00:15:58,892 >> NO, NOT -- NO, I'M FINE. >> DUDE! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? 171 00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:04,264 WHY DID YOU EAT THAT? NO! >> OH, MY GOD! 172 00:16:04,264 --> 00:16:07,033 STOP, I'M FINE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> YOU ATE THE COOKIE, RIGHT? 173 00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:12,072 YOU ATE IT. SO YOU'VE GOT TO GET IT OUT, RIGHT? 174 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:17,310 >> STOP! I'M FINE. WHAT? 175 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:22,248 OW! OH, MY NECK! IN MY NECK YOU DO IT? 176 00:16:22,248 --> 00:16:27,520 [ LAUGHTER ] GOD, I'M FINE! HANNAH, I'M TRYING TO PROPOSE. 177 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:33,827 >> YOU'RE PROPOSING? >> YES, BABY. I LOVE YOU. 178 00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:39,866 WILL YOU MARRY ME? >> YES. OF COURSE I WILL. 179 00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:45,839 >> OH, STEVEN, HOW WONDERFUL. OUR DAUGHTER'S GETTING MARRIED. >> THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF 180 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:53,313 MY LIFE. I FINALLY HAVE A SON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 181 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:59,486 >>> WE NOW RETURN TO SCOOBY DOO AND THE MYSTERY OF THE SHADOW 182 00:16:59,486 --> 00:17:04,557 PHANTOM. >> KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED, GANG. THE SHADOW PHANTOM HAS TO BE 183 00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:09,796 HIDING SOMEWHERE. >> I HOPE WE FIND HIM SOON. THIS PLACE IS GIVING ME THE 184 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:13,066 CREEPS. >> ZOINKS. GUYS, LIKE I THINK THERE'S 185 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:16,870 SOMEONE BEHIND ME. >> YOU'RE SUCH A SCAREDY-CAT, SHAGGY. 186 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:23,109 IT'S JUST ME. >> RUT-RO. >> AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A 187 00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:27,580 SCAREDY-DOG. >> COME ON, GANG. I THINK SCOOBY'S IN TROUBLE. 188 00:17:27,580 --> 00:17:31,184 IT'S JUST A SUIT OF ARMOR, SCOOBY. NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF. 189 00:17:31,184 --> 00:17:43,763 >> BUT I'M SURE AFRAID OF THAT. >> PHANTOM? >> ZOINKS, SCOOB, LOOK OUT! 190 00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:47,767 >> WOW, GREAT WORK, SCOOBY. >> YEAH, YOU CAPTURED THE PHANTOM. 191 00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:56,142 >> RI RID? RI MEAN -- RI RID! >> NOW LET'S SEE WHO THIS 192 00:17:56,142 --> 00:18:01,614 PHANTOM REALLY WAS. >> OLD MAN FRANKLIN? >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN 193 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:06,319 TERRORIZING THE TOWN? >> AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU 194 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:11,624 MEDDLING KIDS. >> AND LOOK. THIS BOOKCASE LEADS TO A SECRET 195 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:16,596 PASSAGE. THAT'S HOW HE SNUCK IN AND OUT. >> AND HE USED PIANO WIRES AND 196 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:21,835 PULLEYS TO MAKE HIMSELF FLOAT. >> BUT WAIT A SECOND. WHO IS OLD MAN FRANKLIN? 197 00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:36,449 I MEAN REALLY. NO ONE IS WHO THEY APPEAR TO BE. [ SCREAMING ] 198 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:41,388 >> I THOUGHT IT WAS ANOTHER MASK! >> WHY? 199 00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:45,125 >> WE NEED TO PUT THE FACE IN A BOWL OF DRY RICE. >> IT'S NOT A CELL PHONE, YOU 200 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:50,663 MORON! >> SCOOB, NO! >> SCOOBY! 201 00:18:50,663 --> 00:19:03,777 >> I'M GOING TO BE SICK. [ SCREAMING ] >> I'M LIKE BLEEDING OUT, MAN. 202 00:19:03,777 --> 00:19:06,212 >> IT'S OKAY, SHAGGY. I'LL GO GET HELP. >> OH, THE WIRE. 203 00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:15,488 THE WIRE! >> ALL RIGHT. WHAT HAVE YOU KOOKY KIDS GOTTEN 204 00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:21,027 YOURSELVES INTO? [ GUNSHOT ] >> YOU JUST SHOT A COP? 205 00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:25,932 >> WE JUST SHOT A COP. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES. >> PLEASE DON'T. 206 00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:36,943 [ GUNSHOTS ] >> NOW, ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU OUT? 207 00:19:36,943 --> 00:19:44,818 OW. >> RUT-RO, BITCH. >> APPLE FACE I.D. 208 00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:48,121 NEVER GET RIPPED OFF AGAIN. [ APPLAUSE ] 209 00:19:52,225 --> 00:19:53,560 >>> CANDY? CIGARETTES? 210 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,963 THE SHOW'S ABOUT TO BEGIN. >> I HEARD THIS NEW REVIEW WAS QUITE THE SENSATION. 211 00:19:56,963 --> 00:20:01,167 >> OH, YES. THEY'VE FLOWN IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS FROM ALL AROUND 212 00:20:01,167 --> 00:20:05,872 THE WORLD. IF YOU LOOK CLOSER, YOU MIGHT SEE A NAKED COLLARBONE. 213 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:11,211 >> OOH LALA AND A HALF. >> DOWN, BROWARD. YOUR HEART. 214 00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:19,085 >> THE TICK TACK CLUB IS PROUD TO PRESENT BILLY HARPER AND HIS BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. 215 00:20:19,085 --> 00:20:26,459 * MADAM AND MONSIEURS * * I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE IN FOR A WONDERFUL TREAT * 216 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:33,733 * ONCE YOU HAPPEN TO MEET ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * * THEIR LIPS, THEIR TEETH, 217 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:39,339 WHAT'S UNDERNEATH * * HOORAY FOR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * * WE'RE PULLED * 218 00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:44,744 * WE'RE CINCHED * * WE'VE PAINTED EVERY INCH BECAUSE * 219 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:51,718 * THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M AS HARD AS A CAR DOOR. 220 00:20:51,718 --> 00:20:56,423 [ LAUGHTER ] >> BROWARD. * BUT THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY 221 00:20:56,423 --> 00:21:01,895 CREATURE THAT WE'RE HERE TO FEATURE * * IF YOU SEEK GRACE AND POISE * 222 00:21:01,895 --> 00:21:13,807 * THEN YOU HAVE TO MEET OUR BOYS * * OH, OH, HAVE YOU SEEN SUCH 223 00:21:13,807 --> 00:21:21,247 BEAUTIFUL BOYS * * LUSCIOUS, LOVELY, GORGEOUS BOYS * 224 00:21:21,247 --> 00:21:31,524 * WE LOVE TO WATCH THEM POSE * * IN THEIR TAN BOY CLOTHES * * THEY PREEN, THEY GLANCE, THEY 225 00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:35,762 DANCE * * THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * [ APPLAUSE ] 226 00:21:35,762 --> 00:21:40,800 >> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? >> IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE FINALLY GIVING THE LADIES SOMETHING TO 227 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,771 LOOK AT. I JUST WISH THEIR COSTUMES AND BODIES WERE A LITTLE NICER. 228 00:21:44,771 --> 00:21:49,409 LOOKS LIKE THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY. >> IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE A GIRL BEAUTIFUL. 229 00:21:49,409 --> 00:21:54,180 BUT BOYS JUST HAVE IT. * WHEN A BOY LOOKS THIS GOOD YOU'LL WANT TO DROOL * 230 00:21:54,180 --> 00:22:02,856 * AND YOU SHOULD * * ARE THEY SCULPTED MARBLE, NO * * BUT MY SHORTS ARE PURE CARGO * 231 00:22:02,856 --> 00:22:07,794 >> THE BOYS GET TO WEAR SHORTS? I'M IN THREE CORSETS AND A TRUSS. 232 00:22:07,794 --> 00:22:13,667 >> I ONLY EAT MARTINIS. >> AND I WAS TOLD IF I SWEAT LEGAL ACTION WOULD BE TAKEN 233 00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:20,940 AGAINST ME. * OH, FLIRT AND FLY YOU BEAUTIFUL BOYS * 234 00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:32,952 * EACH ONE CUTER THAN THE LAST * * IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR PICK * * CHOOSE THE ONE WITH THE 235 00:22:32,952 --> 00:22:37,924 BIGGEST HEART * [ LAUGHTER ] * THEY SIT, THEY KNEEL, THEY'RE 236 00:22:37,924 --> 00:22:41,494 REAL, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * >> WE ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE. THIS IS TERRIBLE! 237 00:22:41,494 --> 00:22:46,900 >> BROWARD, COME ON. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. >> AGAIN? 238 00:22:46,900 --> 00:22:49,903 >> BROWARD. >> THE SPORTY BOY LOVES BASEBALL. 239 00:22:49,903 --> 00:23:00,246 HIS TEAM IS IN FIRST PLACE. AND ONCE THE GAME IS OVER -- >> I'LL TAKE YOU TO SECOND BASE. 240 00:23:00,246 --> 00:23:04,918 >> THE BEACH BOY LIVES FOR SUMMER. HE JUST WENT FOR A SWIM. 241 00:23:04,918 --> 00:23:08,254 AND NOW HE'S OFF TO MEET YOUR FOLKS, STILL WEARING WHAT HE'S IN. 242 00:23:08,254 --> 00:23:11,791 >> WHAT? IT'LL DRY. [ LAUGHTER ] 243 00:23:11,791 --> 00:23:14,561 >> THIS BOY'S NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT. WHY DATE HIM? 244 00:23:14,561 --> 00:23:19,699 HE'S SO PLAIN. YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN YOU FIND OUT HIS DADDY OWNS A BURGER 245 00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:23,603 CHAIN. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I'M FRED McDONALDS. 246 00:23:23,603 --> 00:23:28,575 [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS BOY IS PURE THOUGHT INDEED AS ALL TRUE VIRGINS ARE. 247 00:23:28,575 --> 00:23:32,679 >> WHAT? I'M NOT A VIRGIN. >> IS EXACTLY WHAT I AVIRGIN 248 00:23:32,679 --> 00:23:35,949 WOULD SAY. >> SHUT UP. >> ASIDE FROM THE FACT HE'S A 249 00:23:35,949 --> 00:23:40,286 CHEF, THIS BOY'S A MYSTERY. >> I'M INTO FEET. [ LAUGHTER ] 250 00:23:40,286 --> 00:23:42,489 >> OKAY. >> OKAY, BROWARD, YOU WERE RIGHT. 251 00:23:42,489 --> 00:23:44,991 LET'S GO. >> NO, HANG ON. HANG ON. 252 00:23:44,991 --> 00:23:52,565 I'M INTO IT NOW. I LIKE THE LITTLE STORIES. * COME NOW * 253 00:23:52,565 --> 00:24:02,042 * DON'T YOU CRAVE THESE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * * HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE ONLY 254 00:24:02,042 --> 00:24:06,112 ONE * * AND WHILE YOU'RE TAKING STOCK * 255 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:11,484 * PICK THE ONE WITH THE FATTEST WALLET * [ LAUGHTER ] 256 00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:21,561 * THOSE FUNNY, SUNNY, UGLY BEAUTIFUL BOYS ** [ APPLAUSE ] 257 00:24:21,561 --> 00:24:29,569 >> WELL, THANK GOSH THAT'S OVER. READY, BROWARD? BROWARD? 258 00:24:29,569 --> 00:24:37,310 BROWARD? * HATS OFF TO THESE BEAUTIFUL BOYS ** 259 00:24:37,310 --> 00:24:42,115 (CHEERS) 260 00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:06,039 >>> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT? 261 00:25:06,039 --> 00:25:10,276 >> YEAH, IT IS. LOOK, HAILEY, THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU. 262 00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:14,347 >> UM, OKAY. >> I HEARD BACK FROM APPLE, AND THEY OFFERED ME THE JOB. 263 00:25:14,347 --> 00:25:16,449 >> WHAT? OH, MY GOD. THAT'S AMAZING. 264 00:25:16,449 --> 00:25:21,721 >> I KNOW. BUT IT MEANS I'D HAVE TO MOVE TO CUPERTINO. 265 00:25:21,721 --> 00:25:24,190 >> OH. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, HAILEY. 266 00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:28,161 >> I MEAN, IT'S YOUR DREAM JOB. YOU HAVE TO GO. >> I MAY, BUT WHAT DOES THAT 267 00:25:28,161 --> 00:25:31,898 MEAN FOR US? >> I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I GUESS MAYBE WE 268 00:25:31,898 --> 00:25:38,838 SHOULD -- >> ON YOUR LEFT! RIDER INBOUND. 269 00:25:38,838 --> 00:25:44,210 ON YOUR LEFT! >> OH, SORRY, MAN. HERE, LET'S STEP OVER HERE. 270 00:25:44,210 --> 00:25:48,248 >> I MEAN, LOOK, WE'RE BOTH ADULTS. I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US WANTS 271 00:25:48,248 --> 00:25:51,651 TO GO LONG DISTANCE. >> NO, BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU. >> I DO TOO. 272 00:25:51,651 --> 00:25:55,422 I MEAN, WHO KNOWS? MAYBE WE FIND -- >> ON YOUR LEFT! 273 00:25:55,422 --> 00:26:01,661 CLEAR THE LANE! RESPECT THE RIDERS, PLEASE! >> YEAH, WE'RE GIVING YOU PLENTY 274 00:26:01,661 --> 00:26:06,766 OF ROOM, MAN. AND HONESTLY, YOU'RE MOVING REALLY SLOW. 275 00:26:06,766 --> 00:26:11,738 [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS MOUNTAIN IS INSANE! >> IT'S NOT REALLY A MOUNTAIN. 276 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:18,511 >> HERE. BABE, LET'S GO UP HERE. >> I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY. 277 00:26:18,511 --> 00:26:20,413 I'VE BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT US LIVING TOGETHER. >> I KNOW. 278 00:26:20,413 --> 00:26:23,383 THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. AND HONESTLY, I'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE -- 279 00:26:23,383 --> 00:26:29,189 >> SIRI, SEND TEXT MESSAGE TO KATE FROM HINGE. HEY COMMA KATE, LAST NIGHT WAS 280 00:26:29,189 --> 00:26:32,192 INCREDIBLE. EGGPLANT EMOJI. [ LAUGHTER ] 281 00:26:32,192 --> 00:26:37,430 SORRY AGAIN FOR WHAT HAPPENED AT KARAOKE, PERIOD. I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT 282 00:26:37,430 --> 00:26:43,069 WORD, COMMA. EVEN IF IT IS A BIG PART OF MY FAVORITE SONG BY KANYE AND 283 00:26:43,069 --> 00:26:45,939 JAY-Z. [ LAUGHTER ] SHRUG EMOJI. 284 00:26:45,939 --> 00:26:51,144 SPEAKING OF WHICH, COMMA, WE SHOULD VISIT PARIS SOMETIME, PERIOD. 285 00:26:51,144 --> 00:26:55,715 EIFFEL TOWER GIF. SEND TEXT WITH SLAM EFFECT. >> HEY, MAN, MAYBE YOU CAN GET 286 00:26:55,715 --> 00:27:01,554 OFF YOUR BIKE AND JUST WALK P THE HILL? >> I CAN'T, BRO. 287 00:27:01,554 --> 00:27:04,657 CLIPPED IN BIG-TIME. >> YOU CAN JUST CLIP OUT AND CLIP BACK IN. 288 00:27:04,657 --> 00:27:10,597 >> NO CAN DO. HAD TO PAY A GUY TO HELP ME THE FIRST TIME 'CAUSE I DON'T GOTS 289 00:27:10,597 --> 00:27:16,803 NO FRIENDS. SIRI, TEXT THERAPIST. HAVE TIME FOR AN EMERGENCY SESH 290 00:27:16,803 --> 00:27:23,443 TONIGHT, QUESTION MARK. FEELING DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE. SEND WITH SLAM EFFECT. 291 00:27:23,443 --> 00:27:28,882 SIRI, SEND NEW TEXT TO MOM. I KNOW I'VE ASKED THIS A HUNDRED TIMES, COMMA, BUT WHAT REALLY 292 00:27:28,882 --> 00:27:36,222 HAPPENED TO DAD, QUESTION MARK. FROWNIE FACE EMOJI. SEND WITH INVISIBLE INK. 293 00:27:36,222 --> 00:27:39,359 [ LAUGHTER ] >> CAN'T YOU GO HARDER OR SOMETHING? 294 00:27:39,359 --> 00:27:44,764 >> I GUESS I CAN TRY -- OH, CRAMP. CRAMP. 295 00:27:44,764 --> 00:27:48,401 CRAMP. [ CRASH ] >> WOW. 296 00:27:48,401 --> 00:27:52,138 YOU WENT FLYING DOWN THOSE TREES. >> YEP. 297 00:27:52,138 --> 00:27:54,908 HE'S DEFINITELY DEAD. ANYWAY, I STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS. 298 00:27:54,908 --> 00:27:57,077 >> ME TOO. I MEAN IT. I MEAN IT. 299 00:27:57,077 --> 00:28:02,248 >> AND MAYBE DOWN THE ROAD WE CAN -- >> ON YOUR LEFT! 300 00:28:02,248 --> 00:28:10,056 RESPECT THE RIDERS! >> WHO IS THIS GUY? >> PICKED UP A BOGEY DOWNHILL. 301 00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:16,129 >> POPPED A TIRE WHEN I HIT A PORCUPEDE. SAWED THAT LITTLE PORCUPEDE 302 00:28:16,129 --> 00:28:19,466 RIGHT IN HALF. >> IT'S PORCUPINE, NOT PORCUPEDE. 303 00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:22,569 >> HEY, I LIKE YOUR VIBE. WOULD YOU WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME? 304 00:28:22,569 --> 00:28:25,772 >> I MEAN, I GUESS. I'M SINGLE NOW. >> HAILEY! 305 00:28:25,772 --> 00:28:29,142 [ LAUGHTER ] >> SIRI, SEND TEXT MESSAGE TO KATIE FROM HINGE. 306 00:28:29,142 --> 00:28:33,880 HEY COMMA KATIE PERIOD. PET SOMEONE NEW PERIOD. YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, COMMA. 307 00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:39,652 YOU LOSE MIDDLE FINGER EMOJI. >> SEND WITH FIREWORKS EFFECT. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? 308 00:28:39,652 --> 00:28:42,722 JUST FORGET IT. FORGET IT. >> DAMN IT. 309 00:28:42,722 --> 00:28:45,825 OH! OH, GOD. CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP, 310 00:28:45,825 --> 00:28:53,700 CRAMP, CRAMP! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 311 00:28:59,172 --> 00:29:02,242 ** >>> SHEMU. 312 00:29:02,242 --> 00:29:06,646 FAST FASHION FROM CHINA. BUY ONLINE NOW. STYLE FOR LESS. 313 00:29:06,646 --> 00:29:10,784 >> WAY LESS. >> UNBEATABLE PRICES. DRESS $10. 314 00:29:10,784 --> 00:29:15,555 SHOES $5. >> HOW SO CHEAP? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 315 00:29:15,555 --> 00:29:21,027 MEN'S T SHIRT $3. NOT MADE WITH FORCED LABOR. >> OKAY. 316 00:29:21,027 --> 00:29:28,201 >> MODERN STYLES. DESIGNER DUPES. NO PRISONERS INVOLVED. 317 00:29:28,201 --> 00:29:31,071 >> DID THERE USED TO BE OR SOMETHING? WHY BRING THAT UP? 318 00:29:31,071 --> 00:29:35,709 >> TANKTOPS $3.99. NEW MERCH. NO PRISONERS. 319 00:29:35,709 --> 00:29:39,813 NORMAL NUMBER OF WORKING HOURS EACH WEEK. >> SO LIKE 40 OR? 320 00:29:39,813 --> 00:29:42,315 >> OR. >> OR WHAT? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 321 00:29:42,315 --> 00:29:45,218 MATCHING SETS. 2.50. ALL WORKERS PAID. 322 00:29:45,218 --> 00:29:50,090 EVEN ONES WITH WRONG RELIGION. >> WAIT, WHAT? >> SHEMU. 323 00:29:50,090 --> 00:29:53,393 BEST FACTORIES. HAPPIEST WORKERS. >> WAIT, THERE'S LIKE A NOTE 324 00:29:53,393 --> 00:29:59,666 SEWN IN MY JACKET. >> THAT'S A THANK YOU NOTE FROM A HAPPY WORKER. 325 00:29:59,666 --> 00:30:03,903 BEST MATERIALS. QUALITY CRAFTSMANSHIP. >> OH. 326 00:30:03,903 --> 00:30:08,041 >> PREMIUM FABRICS. WITH NO LEAD. >> SEE, THAT MAKES ME THINK 327 00:30:08,041 --> 00:30:10,543 THERE IS LEAD IN THIS. >> NO LEAD. GOOD CLOTHES. 328 00:30:10,543 --> 00:30:14,314 BEST PRICES. MINIMAL LEAD. >> YOU SAID NO LEAD. 329 00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:18,618 >> KIND OF SMELLS LIKE GASOLINE. >> OKAY. THIS IS GIVING SHADY. 330 00:30:18,618 --> 00:30:21,421 BE REAL. IS THIS SHADY? >> IF IT WAS WOULD YOU STOP 331 00:30:21,421 --> 00:30:22,922 BUYING IT? >> NO. >> NO. 332 00:30:22,922 --> 00:30:27,327 >> NO. >> MAYBE. NO. 333 00:30:27,327 --> 00:30:31,131 >> GREAT. SHEMU. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 334 00:30:31,131 --> 00:30:37,504 >> MY SHOE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 335 00:30:50,483 --> 00:30:52,585 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SABRINA CARPENTER. 336 00:30:52,585 --> 00:30:56,589 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 337 00:30:57,457 --> 00:31:15,175 ** * NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME 338 00:31:15,175 --> 00:31:17,944 EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO * 339 00:31:17,944 --> 00:31:23,149 * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * 340 00:31:23,149 --> 00:31:27,354 * MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * 341 00:31:27,354 --> 00:31:32,092 * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * 342 00:31:32,092 --> 00:31:40,100 * I CAN'T RELATE TO DESPERATION MY 'GIVE-A-DAMNS' 343 00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:48,108 ARE ON VACATION * * AND I GOT THIS ONE BOY AND HE WON'T STOP CALLING 344 00:31:48,108 --> 00:31:51,411 WHEN THEY ACT THIS WAY I KNOW I GOT 'EM * * TOO BAD YOUR EX DON'T 345 00:31:51,411 --> 00:31:54,314 DO IT FOR YA * * WALKED IN AND DREAM-CAME-TRUED IT 346 00:31:54,314 --> 00:32:01,254 FOR YA * * SOFT SKIN AND I PERFUMED IT 347 00:32:01,254 --> 00:32:03,757 I KNOW I MOUNTAIN DEW IT FOR YA * * THAT MORNING COFFEE 348 00:32:03,757 --> 00:32:08,528 BREWED IT FOR YA ONE TOUCH AND I BRAND-NEWED IT * 349 00:32:08,528 --> 00:32:12,065 * NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET 350 00:32:12,065 --> 00:32:17,470 I GUESS SO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW 351 00:32:17,470 --> 00:32:22,742 THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH 352 00:32:22,742 --> 00:32:27,347 SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW 353 00:32:27,347 --> 00:32:32,585 THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * I NEED A DRINK IS IT THAT SWEET 354 00:32:32,585 --> 00:32:38,992 I GUESS SO * * I'M WORKING LATE 'CAUSE I'M A SINGER 355 00:32:38,992 --> 00:32:44,597 OH HE LOOKS SO CUTE WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGER * * MY TWISTED HUMOR 356 00:32:44,597 --> 00:32:50,103 MAKE HIM LAUGH SO OFTEN MY HONEY BEE COME AND GET THIS POLLEN * 357 00:32:50,103 --> 00:32:52,939 * TOO BAD YOUR EX DON'T DO IT FOR YA * * WALKED IN 358 00:32:52,939 --> 00:32:55,709 AND DREAM-CAME-TRUED IT FOR YA * * SOFT SKIN 359 00:32:55,709 --> 00:33:03,049 AND I PERFUMED IT I KNOW I MOUNTAIN DEW IT FOR YA * 360 00:33:03,049 --> 00:33:07,187 * THAT MORNING COFFEE BREWED IT FOR YA ONE TOUCH 361 00:33:07,187 --> 00:33:11,391 AND I BRAND-NEWED IT * * NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME EVERY NIGHT OH 362 00:33:11,391 --> 00:33:15,061 IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP 363 00:33:15,061 --> 00:33:19,966 BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * MOVE IT UP DOWN 364 00:33:19,966 --> 00:33:24,804 LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP 365 00:33:24,804 --> 00:33:29,576 BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME 366 00:33:29,576 --> 00:33:32,078 EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO * 367 00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:37,717 * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP OH BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * 368 00:33:37,717 --> 00:33:42,489 * MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * 369 00:33:42,489 --> 00:33:48,728 * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * 370 00:33:48,728 --> 00:33:55,101 * WELL IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * 371 00:33:55,101 --> 00:33:59,606 ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 372 00:34:15,922 --> 00:34:20,727 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND 373 00:34:20,727 --> 00:34:31,104 MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 374 00:34:31,104 --> 00:34:35,241 >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. 375 00:34:35,241 --> 00:34:39,512 >>> PRESIDENT BIDEN AND PRESIDENT TRUMP HAVE AGREED TO TWO DEBATES THIS SUMMER. 376 00:34:39,512 --> 00:34:44,184 NOR A PREVIEW OF THE DEBATES TAKE A BOTTLE OF ADDERALL AND AMBIEN AT THE SAME TIME. 377 00:34:44,184 --> 00:34:48,822 [ LAUGHTER ] BIDEN POST AID VIDEO CHALLENGING TRUMP TO THE DEBATE. 378 00:34:48,822 --> 00:34:54,494 SAYING "MAKE MY DAY, PAL." TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE." 379 00:34:54,494 --> 00:35:01,201 TWO PHRASES THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO LOCK UP THE YOUTH VOTE. [ LAUGHTER ] 380 00:35:01,201 --> 00:35:04,938 >>> DONALD TRUMP SAID THAT AT THE DEBATES HE WANTS BOTH OF THEM TO STAND INSTEAD OF SIT. 381 00:35:04,938 --> 00:35:08,942 SO THAT'S THE STATUS OF OUR PRESIDENCY. [ LAUGHTER ] 382 00:35:08,942 --> 00:35:13,580 STANDING IS A FEAT OF STRENGTH. I THINK WE COULD LEARN A LOT MORE WATCHING THEM BOTH TRY TO 383 00:35:13,580 --> 00:35:20,453 GET OUT OF A BEANBAG CHAIR. [ LAUGHTER ] >>> MICHAEL COHEN, WHOSE COLOGNE 384 00:35:20,453 --> 00:35:26,860 I CAN SMELL THROUGH THIS PICTURE -- [ LAUGHTER ] 385 00:35:26,860 --> 00:35:30,063 -- TESTIFIED AGAINST DONALD TRUMP THIS WEEK. COHEN WAS PORTRAYED BY TRUMP'S 386 00:35:30,063 --> 00:35:33,566 ATTORNEYS AS SOMEONE WHO HATED DONALD TRUMP AND WAS TRYING TO GET REVENGE. 387 00:35:33,566 --> 00:35:37,604 BUT THE ONLY EVIDENCE OF THAT COMES FROM COHEN'S UPCOMING BOOK, "I HATE DONALD TRUMP AND 388 00:35:37,604 --> 00:35:43,309 I'M TRYING TO GET REVENGE." [ LAUGHTER ] >>> REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ 389 00:35:43,309 --> 00:35:47,747 REFERENCED THE PROUD BOYS BY TWEETING A PICTURE OF HIMSELF OUTSIDE TRUMP'S COURTROOM WITH A 390 00:35:47,747 --> 00:35:52,218 CAPTION "STANDING BACK AND STANDING BY." GAETZ USED THAT SAME CAPTION IN 391 00:35:52,218 --> 00:35:58,825 A PICTURE OF HIMSELF OUTSIDE A QUINCEANERA. [ LAUGHTER ] 392 00:35:58,825 --> 00:36:03,296 >>> A HOUSE OVERSIGHT HEARING DEVOLVED INTO CHAOS AFTER MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AND 393 00:36:03,296 --> 00:36:07,100 DEMOCRAT JASMINE CROCKETT TRADED INSULTS. >> I THINK YOUR FAKE EYELASHES 394 00:36:07,100 --> 00:36:12,272 ARE MESSING UP WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO READ. >> SOMEBODY'S BLEACH BLOND BAD 395 00:36:12,272 --> 00:36:21,047 BUILT BUTCH BODY. >> DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. >> JERRY! 396 00:36:21,047 --> 00:36:24,784 JERRY! JERRY! [ LAUGHTER ] 397 00:36:24,784 --> 00:36:28,755 I FEEL LIKE WE'RE WATCHING THE WAFFLE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. [ LAUGHTER ] 398 00:36:28,755 --> 00:36:34,294 >>> PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED HE'S RAISING TARIFFS ON CHINESE ELECTRIC CARS TO 100%. 399 00:36:34,294 --> 00:36:39,632 UNFORTUNATELY, CHINESE ELECTRIC CARS IS JUST WHAT BIDEN CALLS MARIO KART. 400 00:36:39,632 --> 00:36:42,535 [ LAUGHTER ] >>> A GROWING NUMBER OF BLACK MEN FEEL LIKE THE TRUMP AND 401 00:36:42,535 --> 00:36:45,939 BIDEN CAMPAIGNS ARE NOT ACTUALLY TRYING TO FORGE TRUE RELATIONSHIPS AND JUST WANT 402 00:36:45,939 --> 00:36:52,746 THEIR VOTES. YEAH. >>> DURING A NEW INTERVIEW -- 403 00:36:52,746 --> 00:36:58,518 [ LAUGHTER ] -- WITH ABC NEWS STEVE BANNON CALLED HIMSELF THE VOICE OF 404 00:36:58,518 --> 00:37:02,922 MAGA. AND ALSO THE FACE OF GOUT. [ LAUGHTER ] 405 00:37:02,922 --> 00:37:05,859 >>> PEOPLE IN PARIS WITH DISABILITIES ARE SAYING THAT THE CITY HAS NOT FULFILLED ITS 406 00:37:05,859 --> 00:37:11,431 PROMISE TO MAKE IT UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTABLE -- ACCESSIBLE BEFORE THIS SUMMER'S OLYMPICS. 407 00:37:11,431 --> 00:37:17,570 AND OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY'RE HAVING SOME SAFETY ISSUES WITH THE NEW EIFFEL TOWER WHEELCHAIR 408 00:37:17,570 --> 00:37:21,107 RAMP. [ LAUGHTER ] >>> THE FAA REVEALED THAT DONALD 409 00:37:21,107 --> 00:37:25,612 TRUMP'S BOEING 757 CLIPPED A PARKED PLANE WHEN IT LANDED IN FLORIDA. 410 00:37:25,612 --> 00:37:32,318 BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS DONALD TRUMP FLIES AROUND IN A BOEING. SO. 411 00:37:32,318 --> 00:37:36,156 [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 412 00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:42,062 >>> THIS SUMMER TWO SEPARATE BROODS OF CICADAS WILL BE 413 00:37:42,062 --> 00:37:47,400 ERUPTING FROM THE SOIL AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING THIS THE LARGEST GATHERING OF THE INSECTS 414 00:37:47,400 --> 00:37:55,375 SINCE 1803. HERE TO COMMENT ARE TWO CICADAS. ** 415 00:37:55,375 --> 00:38:03,283 >> WHAT'S CRACKING, Y'ALL? SUMMER OF 2024! >> PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE 416 00:38:03,283 --> 00:38:06,486 TONIGHT! >> WOW. YOU GUYS ARE IN A GOOD MOOD. 417 00:38:06,486 --> 00:38:11,591 >> 'CAUSE IT IS FINALLY TIME TO PARTY. I'VE BEEN UNDERGROUND SINCE 418 00:38:11,591 --> 00:38:14,294 2007. >> AND I'VE BEEN UNDERGROUND SINCE 2011. 419 00:38:14,294 --> 00:38:18,732 HASHTAG WINNING. >> WELL, WE'RE HERE NOW. AND WE'VE GOT ONE WILD SUMMER TO 420 00:38:18,732 --> 00:38:25,605 MINGLE, MATE AND CHIRP AS MUCH AS WE PLEASE. DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA! 421 00:38:25,605 --> 00:38:30,143 LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR-COAT IT, MAN. I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIE 422 00:38:30,143 --> 00:38:33,613 TONIGHT. YEP. A LOT OF US GOING TO GET EATEN 423 00:38:33,613 --> 00:38:36,416 BY BIRDS. PROBABLY MILLIONS. >> NO DOUBT. 424 00:38:36,416 --> 00:38:40,053 OUR LIVES AS CICADAS ARE BRUTAL AND SHORT. SO WE'VE GOT TO HAVE FUN. 425 00:38:40,053 --> 00:38:46,860 JUST GET OUT THERE AND HUMP AND SCREAM AND DIE. >> DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA! 426 00:38:46,860 --> 00:38:48,762 [ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GREAT. 427 00:38:48,762 --> 00:38:52,866 THAT'S GREAT, GUYS. SO WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA? >> OH, WE'VE GOT BIG PLANS, MAN. 428 00:38:52,866 --> 00:39:00,707 I'M HOPING TO FLY INTO A LITTLE KID'S SHIRT AND MAKE HIM GO HEY, HEY! 429 00:39:00,707 --> 00:39:03,143 [ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE DOING THAT, MAN. IT'S LIKE MY FAVORITE THING. 430 00:39:03,143 --> 00:39:05,011 EXCEPT MATING. >> MATING. YEAH. 431 00:39:05,011 --> 00:39:07,647 YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO FIND A MATE? >> WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE 432 00:39:07,647 --> 00:39:13,186 TALKING TO, MAN? I JUST SHEDDED MY EXOSKELETON. LOOKING FOR -- 433 00:39:13,186 --> 00:39:17,624 >> AND WHO WOULDN'T WANT A PIECE OF THIS? I'M SUPER LOUD, I'VE GOT CRUNCHY 434 00:39:17,624 --> 00:39:21,094 WINGS AND BOTH OF MY EYES ARE WAY OVER ON EACH SIDE OF MY HEAD. 435 00:39:21,094 --> 00:39:23,630 IT'S CALLED SEX APPEAL, COLIN. READ ABOUT IT. [ LAUGHTER ] 436 00:39:23,630 --> 00:39:28,034 >> WELL, BEST OF LUCK. I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME. 437 00:39:28,034 --> 00:39:32,605 >> 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, MAN. I'M BOUTS TO GET MINE. [ LAUGHTER ] 438 00:39:32,605 --> 00:39:36,076 COLIN, I'M LOOKING FOR MRS. RIGHT NOW. THAT REMINDS ME, I'VE GOT TO 439 00:39:36,076 --> 00:39:40,547 TEXT SOME CICADA BITCHES. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OKAY. 440 00:39:40,547 --> 00:39:44,351 HOLD ON. IS THAT A MOTOROLA SIDEKICK? [ LAUGHTER ] 441 00:39:44,351 --> 00:39:48,321 >> MM-HMM. YEAH, IT IS, COLIN. MY MAN IS OLD SCHOOL. 442 00:39:48,321 --> 00:39:56,096 SPEAKING OF OLD SCHOOL, BACK IN 2011 WE USED TO SAY GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA. 443 00:39:56,096 --> 00:40:02,402 >> BUT BASIC BITCHES WEAR THAT STUFF SO I DON'T EVEN BOTHER. [ APPLAUSE ] 444 00:40:02,402 --> 00:40:06,906 >> YES, COLIN! YOU GOT IT! >> NOBODY SINGS THAT SONG 445 00:40:06,906 --> 00:40:09,909 ANYMORE. SEEMS LIKE A LOT HAS CHANGED. >> WELL, I LIKE CHANGE. 446 00:40:09,909 --> 00:40:14,114 AND I KNOW THAT THIS MIGHT GET ME IN TROUBLE. BUT I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT. 447 00:40:14,114 --> 00:40:18,284 I THINK IT'S OKAY FOR GAY PEOPLE TO GET MARRIED. [ LAUGHTER ] 448 00:40:18,284 --> 00:40:21,621 >> OH. CONTROVERSIAL. >> MM-HMM. 449 00:40:21,621 --> 00:40:27,694 >> WELL, GUYS, THE WHOLE COUNTRY ACTUALLY LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE BACK IN 2015. 450 00:40:27,694 --> 00:40:30,263 >> REALLY? CONGRATULATIONS. GOOD FOR YOU. 451 00:40:30,263 --> 00:40:36,670 >> GOOD FOR YOU! [ APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S GOOD FOR EVERYBODY, 452 00:40:36,670 --> 00:40:38,171 OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ] >> GOOD FOR YOU. 453 00:40:38,171 --> 00:40:43,677 >> YEAH, THANKS VERY MUCH. SO DISTURBING. SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO 454 00:40:43,677 --> 00:40:48,348 PARTY TONIGHT? >> WHERE WE ALWAYS PARTY, BABY. THE STUMP. 455 00:40:48,348 --> 00:40:50,517 >> YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ] PARTY IN THE BIG OLD ROTTEN 456 00:40:50,517 --> 00:40:52,886 STUMP. IT'S GOING TO BE LIT. >> THERE'S GOING TO BE THOUSANDS 457 00:40:52,886 --> 00:40:58,558 OF THICK LITTLE CICADA BUTTS IN THERE, COLIN, JUST SHAKING ASS AND BEING LOUD AS HELL. 458 00:40:58,558 --> 00:41:03,563 DA, DA, DA, DA! LET ME TELL YOU, SOME CICADA LADIES ARE GOING TO HAVE MY 459 00:41:03,563 --> 00:41:10,370 CICADA BABIES. >> THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO BE GLORIOUS. 460 00:41:10,370 --> 00:41:13,840 A TIME TO EXPLORE. TO LAUGH. TO LOVE. 461 00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:20,313 TO ENJOY EACH AND EVERY MOMENT BEFORE WE HIT A CAR WINDSHIELD SO HARD OUR ASS GOES THROUGH OUR 462 00:41:20,313 --> 00:41:26,086 BRAIN. >> TWO CICADAS, EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 463 00:41:29,789 --> 00:41:33,593 >>> THE WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOG SHOW HAS SELECTED A 464 00:41:33,593 --> 00:41:36,863 MINIATURE POODLE NAMED SAGE AS THE WINNER OF THE TITLE BEST IN SHOW. 465 00:41:36,863 --> 00:41:43,136 WHILE THE LOSER IS ONCE AGAIN EVERY HUMAN PARTICIPATING IN THIS EVENT. 466 00:41:43,136 --> 00:41:47,941 >>> TOM BRADY REVEALED THAT HE HAS REGRETS ABOUT LAST WEEK'S NETFLIX ROAST, SAYING HE DIDN'T 467 00:41:47,941 --> 00:41:52,112 LIKE THE WAY IT AFFECTED HIS KIDS. BUT THAT ISN'T STOPPING HIM FROM 468 00:41:52,112 --> 00:41:56,349 PERFORMING IN TOMORROW NIGHT'S NETFLIX ROAST OF TOM BRADY'S KIDS. 469 00:41:56,349 --> 00:41:59,686 [ LAUGHTER ] >>> KING CHARLES'S OFFICIAL PORTRAIT IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR 470 00:41:59,686 --> 00:42:04,057 DEPICTING HIM ON A HARSH RED BACKGROUND. BUT IN THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT'S 471 00:42:04,057 --> 00:42:14,868 BETTER THAN HAVING A BLACK BACKGROUND. [ LAUGHTER ] 472 00:42:14,868 --> 00:42:19,339 I THOUGHT THEY'D LIKE THAT, COLIN. [ LAUGHTER ] 473 00:42:19,339 --> 00:42:22,909 >> BETTER YOU THAN ME. >>> A HIGH-END FASHION BRAND IS SELLING A PAIR OF JEANS FOR $800 474 00:42:22,909 --> 00:42:27,947 WHICH APPEAR TO HAVE A PEE STAIN ON THE FRONT. JEANS WITH A PEE STAIN ON THE 475 00:42:27,947 --> 00:42:33,086 FRONT? PLEASE. I CAN MAKE THOSE IN MY SLEEP. 476 00:42:33,086 --> 00:42:37,724 [ LAUGHTER ] >>> McDONALD'S IS RELEASING A NEW GRANDMA McFLURRY WHICH THEY 477 00:42:37,724 --> 00:42:42,395 SAY TASTES LIKE GRANDMA'S FAVORITE TREATS THAT SHE HID IN HER PURSE. 478 00:42:42,395 --> 00:42:51,871 IT'S A COMBINATION OF BUTTERSCOTCH, CRUNCHY CANDY PIECES AND A BIG BLACK VIBRATOR. 479 00:42:51,871 --> 00:42:55,809 [ LAUGHTER ] NO. I WON'T DO IT ON AIR, THEN. 480 00:42:55,809 --> 00:43:01,414 >>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT A YACHT IN THE STRAIT OF GIBRALTAR WAS SUNK AFTER A GROUP OF ORCAS 481 00:43:01,414 --> 00:43:07,187 ATTACKED IT. NICE TRY, ORCAS, BUT WE'RE NEVER RELEASING THE PRISONERS. 482 00:43:07,187 --> 00:43:13,693 [ LAUGHTER ] >>> A GROWING NUMBER OF HIGH-END LUXURY APARTMENT BUILDINGS 483 00:43:13,693 --> 00:43:18,732 AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE OFFERING NEW AMENITIES INCLUDING IV DRIPS TO HELP RECOVER FROM HANGOVERS. 484 00:43:18,732 --> 00:43:23,670 AND IF THAT SOUNDS APPEALING, LEARN MORE AT ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. 485 00:43:23,670 --> 00:43:27,941 [ LAUGHTER ] >>> AN UPCOMING TV SPECIAL STARRING ACTOR JAMES VAN DER 486 00:43:27,941 --> 00:43:32,145 BEEK WILL ATTEMPT TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT PROSTATE CANCER TESTING. 487 00:43:32,145 --> 00:43:37,217 IT'S CALLED "DAWSON'S CRACK." [ LAUGHTER ] 488 00:43:39,285 --> 00:43:41,955 IT'S JUST GOOD INFORMATION. >>> WELL, TONIGHT IS OUR SEASON 489 00:43:41,955 --> 00:43:45,392 FINALE. >> YEAH. >> AND WE HAVE A TRADITION WHERE 490 00:43:45,392 --> 00:43:49,729 CHE AND I GIVE EACH OTHER JOKES TO REACH. >> YEAH, WE'RE MAKING EACH OTHER 491 00:43:49,729 --> 00:43:53,800 READ JOKES LIVE ON AIR THAT THE OTHER PERSON HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE. 492 00:43:53,800 --> 00:44:02,575 >> THAT'S RIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LET'S NOT APPLAUD YET. 493 00:44:02,575 --> 00:44:06,913 THE IDEA IS OF COURSE TO GIVE EACH OTHER FUN JOKES. ALMOST SUPPORTIVE JOKES THAT 494 00:44:06,913 --> 00:44:09,749 WOULD NEVER RUIN OUR SUMMER OR OUR CAREER. >> YEAH. 495 00:44:09,749 --> 00:44:14,754 BEFORE WE START, LAST TIME WE DID THIS I HIRED AN ACTRESS TO PRETEND TO BE A CIVIL RIGHTS 496 00:44:14,754 --> 00:44:17,490 HERO. AND THAT WAS LOW. SO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU THIS 497 00:44:17,490 --> 00:44:27,300 TIME I INVITED AN ACTUAL PRACTICING RABBI. PLEASE WELCOME RABBI JILL. 498 00:44:27,300 --> 00:44:39,512 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GO AHEAD, COLIN. WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FIRST 499 00:44:39,512 --> 00:44:46,086 JOKE? >> I'M JUST AS EXCITED AS ALL OF YOU. 500 00:44:46,086 --> 00:44:51,524 [ LAUGHTER ] PRO-PALESTINIAN PROTESTERS WALKED OUT OF JERRY SEINFELD'S 501 00:44:51,524 --> 00:44:54,994 COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY. AND I THINK THAT'S DISGRACEFUL. 502 00:44:54,994 --> 00:44:58,732 DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES IT'S IMPORTANT TO SUPPORT OUR JEWISH FRIENDS. 503 00:44:58,732 --> 00:45:08,775 THAT'S WHY THE ONLY CHANT YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME IS "FREE WEINSTEIN." 504 00:45:08,775 --> 00:45:16,483 [ LAUGHTER ] KEEP FIGHTING, HARVEY. AM I RIGHT, BUBBELE? 505 00:45:16,483 --> 00:45:26,059 [ LAUGHTER ] >> I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT GOOD. I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT. 506 00:45:26,059 --> 00:45:29,462 POPE FRANCIS SAID THIS WEEK THAT SEXUAL PLEASURE IS A GIFT FROM GOD. 507 00:45:29,462 --> 00:45:33,166 UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS IN RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION SHOULD THE CHURCH STILL HAVE ALTAR 508 00:45:33,166 --> 00:45:41,875 BOYS? [ LAUGHTER ] >>> SPEAKING OF KIDS, NEW DATA 509 00:45:41,875 --> 00:45:46,246 SHOWS THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS HAVE ONLY MADE UP A THIRD OF THE MATH SKILLS THEY 510 00:45:46,246 --> 00:45:54,421 LOST DURING THE PANDEMIC. THEIR MATH WAS SO BAD THEY DIDN'T GET IT WHEN I TEXTED THEM 511 00:45:54,421 --> 00:45:59,225 YOU PLUS ME EQUALS 69. [ LAUGHTER ] COLIN. 512 00:45:59,225 --> 00:46:04,197 >> WOW. OKAY. >> HEY, YOU PUT IT IN TEXT. 513 00:46:04,197 --> 00:46:12,772 CHAT -- OH, GOD. CHATGPT HAS RELEASED A NEW VOICE ASSISTANT FEATURE INSPIRED BY 514 00:46:12,772 --> 00:46:18,778 SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S AI CHARACTER IN "HER." WHICH I'VE NEVER BOTHERED TO 515 00:46:18,778 --> 00:46:20,680 WATCH. BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT BODY WHAT'S THE POINT OF LISTENING? 516 00:46:20,680 --> 00:46:35,695 [ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU GOT A LITTLE MORE THERE. >> SO RABBI JILL, IF YOU'RE 517 00:46:35,695 --> 00:46:44,504 HERE, WHO'S CONTROLLING THE WEATHER? [ LAUGHTER ] 518 00:46:44,504 --> 00:46:48,308 >> I DON'T EVEN GET THAT JOKE, COLIN. MULTIPLE WOMEN HAVE POSTED 519 00:46:48,308 --> 00:46:52,946 VIDEOS ON TIKTOK CLAIMING THAT WHILE WALKING THE STREETS OF NEW YORK THEY WERE RANDOMLY PUNCHED 520 00:46:52,946 --> 00:47:01,321 BY MEN. WELL, THEN DAMN, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, BITCH. 521 00:47:01,321 --> 00:47:08,261 [ LAUGHTER ] AND SPEAKING OF BITCHES, I WANT TO CALL UP THE BIGGEST BITCH OF 522 00:47:08,261 --> 00:47:18,571 ALL, KENDRICK LAMAR. [ LAUGHTER ] OR SHOULD I SAY LITTLEST. 523 00:47:18,571 --> 00:47:25,145 YOUR WAR WITH DRAKE MAY BE OVER, BUT YOUR WAR WITH MICHAEL CHE IS JUST BEGINNING. 524 00:47:25,145 --> 00:47:31,785 [ LAUGHTER ] SO TO QUOTE HAMILTON, SHOOT YOUR SHOT, PLAYER. 525 00:47:31,785 --> 00:47:37,257 THAT WAS PRETTY WELL DONE, MAN. OKAY. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE BIT. 526 00:47:37,257 --> 00:47:46,299 [ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, THIS NEXT JOKE MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO OFFENSIVE FOR ME TO 527 00:47:46,299 --> 00:47:54,808 SAY. SO RABBI JILL, WILL YOU BE A MENSCH AND HELP ME OUT? 528 00:47:54,808 --> 00:48:03,783 >> HOW? >> WOULD YOU HAND ME THAT PUPPET? 529 00:48:03,783 --> 00:48:15,061 [ LAUGHTER ] >> COLIN, DON'T USE THE PUPPET. >> OH, MY GOD. 530 00:48:15,061 --> 00:48:23,570 IT WAS REPORTED THAT COMCAST, THE OWNERS OF NBC, TOLD MSNBC TO CURB THEIR CRITICISM OF ISRAEL. 531 00:48:23,570 --> 00:48:31,578 AND IF THEY DON'T, WE'LL HIT THEM WITH OUR SPACE LASERS. >> OH, NO. 532 00:48:31,578 --> 00:48:44,457 >> RABBI. RABBI? FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" -- FOR 533 00:48:44,457 --> 00:48:50,096 "GOODNIGHT” 534 00:49:01,007 --> 00:49:06,379 >>> YOU ARE NEXT IN THE QUEUE TO SPEAK TO A SOUTHWEST AIRLINES 535 00:49:06,379 --> 00:49:09,549 REPRESENTATIVE. >> FINALLY. >> PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME. 536 00:49:09,549 --> 00:49:14,587 >> REGINALD KEAN. >> THANK YOU. CONNECTING YOU NOW. 537 00:49:14,587 --> 00:49:23,029 >> HI. THIS IS ZACHARY WITH SOUTHWEST. AM I SPEAKING WITH VAGINALD 538 00:49:23,029 --> 00:49:25,398 CREAM? [ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S REGINALD KEAN. 539 00:49:25,398 --> 00:49:29,302 >> OF COURSE, MR. CREAM. AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO APOLOGIZE FOR LOSING YOUR 540 00:49:29,302 --> 00:49:32,639 LUGGAGE. >> OH, NO, NO, I HAVE MY LUGGAGE. 541 00:49:32,639 --> 00:49:36,276 I JUST NEED TO CHANGE MY FLIGHT. I'M SUPPOSED TO FLY DENVER TO NEW YORK TONIGHT BUT I NEED TO 542 00:49:36,276 --> 00:49:42,382 MOVE IT TO TOMORROW. >> OKAY. SO UNFORTUNATELY TOMORROW WE ARE 543 00:49:42,382 --> 00:49:46,152 VERY FULL. BUT I CAN GET YOU ON STANDBY FOR THE 8:15. 544 00:49:46,152 --> 00:49:50,423 >> STANDBY MEANS I'M NOT GUARANTEED TO GET ON THE FLIGHT, THOUGH, RIGHT? 545 00:49:50,423 --> 00:49:55,862 >> NO, YOU'LL BE ON THE FLIGHT. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO STAND BY THE BATHROOM THE WHOLE TIME. 546 00:49:55,862 --> 00:49:58,331 [ LAUGHTER ] SHALL I BOOK THAT FOR YOU? >> NO. 547 00:49:58,331 --> 00:50:02,836 I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I'LL JUST TRY ANOTHER AIRLINE AND I'LL JUST CANCEL AND GET A 548 00:50:02,836 --> 00:50:06,573 REFUND. >> ALL RIGHTY. NO. 549 00:50:06,573 --> 00:50:09,476 [ LAUGHTER ] >> DID YOU JUST SAY NO? >> YES. 550 00:50:09,476 --> 00:50:14,414 WE ARE TRAINED TO SAY NO AND SEE IF PEOPLE JUST ACCEPT IT. BUT I SEE THAT YOU WON'T. 551 00:50:14,414 --> 00:50:21,321 SO I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO SOMEONE WHO CAN ASSIST. PLEASE HOLD. 552 00:50:21,321 --> 00:50:24,858 >> SOUTHWEST DOESN'T ASSIGN SEATS. JUST ANOTHER WAY WE'RE MAKING 553 00:50:24,858 --> 00:50:27,260 FLYING FEEL LIKE RIDING A CITY BUS. [ LAUGHTER ] 554 00:50:27,260 --> 00:50:31,197 >> HELLO. THIS IS MANDY WITH SOUTHWEST'S LOST LUGGAGE DEPARTMENT. 555 00:50:31,197 --> 00:50:34,501 CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR MISSING BAG, SIR? >> OH, NO, I DIDN'T LOSE MY BAG. 556 00:50:34,501 --> 00:50:38,071 I'M JUST TRYING TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT AND GET A REFUND. >> OF COURSE. 557 00:50:38,071 --> 00:50:41,408 LET ME TRANSFER YOU TO CANCELLATIONS. AND IN CASE WE GET DISCONNECTED 558 00:50:41,408 --> 00:50:53,887 WRITE DOWN THIS REFERENCE NUMBER -- >> [ SPEAKING RAPIDLY ]. 559 00:50:53,887 --> 00:50:56,756 >> DID YOU GET THAT? >> NO. >> GREAT. 560 00:50:56,756 --> 00:50:59,826 PLEASE HOLD. >> WANT MORE LEG ROOM AND PREMIUM DRINK SERVICES? 561 00:50:59,826 --> 00:51:03,129 FLY A DIFFERENT AIRLINE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS IS DONNA. 562 00:51:03,129 --> 00:51:09,536 AM I SPEAKING WITH VAGINALD? >> MY NAME IS REGINALD. LOOK, I JUST WANT A REFUND. 563 00:51:09,536 --> 00:51:12,339 OKAY? MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME. >> MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU? 564 00:51:12,339 --> 00:51:14,808 WHY ONLY MAYBE? BECAUSE I'M BLACK? [ LAUGHTER ] 565 00:51:14,808 --> 00:51:20,714 >> NO, NO. >> LET ME FIND YOUR RACIST ASS A WHITE PERSON TO TALK TO. 566 00:51:20,714 --> 00:51:26,319 HOLD, PLEASE. >> WE VALUE YOUR FEEDBACK. TO PARTICIPATE IN A BRIEF 567 00:51:26,319 --> 00:51:28,855 200-QUESTION SURVEY AFTER THIS CALL SAY I DO NOT WISH TO PARTICIPATE. 568 00:51:28,855 --> 00:51:33,526 >> I DO NOT WISH TO PARTICIPATE -- WAIT, WAIT. NO, NO. 569 00:51:33,526 --> 00:51:37,664 >> THIS IS CHRISTIE WITH SOUTHWEST. I SEE ON YOUR FILE THAT YOU 570 00:51:37,664 --> 00:51:41,501 PREFER TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS THAT ARE WHITE. AND I GET IT, BROTHER, BECAUSE 571 00:51:41,501 --> 00:51:44,204 WE OUGHT TO STICK TOGETHER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, NO, NO, NO. 572 00:51:44,204 --> 00:51:51,845 PUT ME ON WITH SOMEBODY ELSE. >> HELLO, THIS IS D'ARTAGNAN. I CAN GET YOU THAT REFUND, SIR. 573 00:51:51,845 --> 00:51:58,151 THE QUESTION IS WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME? [ LAUGHTER ] 574 00:51:58,151 --> 00:52:00,487 >> NO, SOMEONE ELSE. >> HI. THIS IS KELLY. 575 00:52:00,487 --> 00:52:02,555 HOW ARE YOU TODAY? >> NOT GREAT. HOW ARE YOU? 576 00:52:02,555 --> 00:52:10,864 >> HONESTLY? STILL PRETTY DRUNK. >> ABSOLOOSELY. 577 00:52:10,864 --> 00:52:15,702 >> YEAH, MAN, ME LOOKING FOR YOUR LOST BAG. BUT I TINK WE FOUND IT. 578 00:52:15,702 --> 00:52:19,939 IN A BLUE SAMSONITE ROLLIE BAG, YEAH? >> I DIDN'T LOSE MY BAG. 579 00:52:19,939 --> 00:52:24,778 >> I'M SORRY. ME CAN'T HEAR YOU. BUT ME GET YOUR BAG BACK TO YOU. 580 00:52:24,778 --> 00:52:26,780 PLEASE HOLD. >> HELLO. THIS IS MASON. 581 00:52:26,780 --> 00:52:29,482 >> MASON. DUDE. JUST LISTEN TO ME. 582 00:52:29,482 --> 00:52:33,987 I JUST WANT TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT BUT I KEEP GETTING BOUNCED AROUND TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE. 583 00:52:33,987 --> 00:52:37,757 >> I HATE THAT. IT'S LIKE PUT ME ON WITH SOMEBODY WHO CAN ACTUALLY DO 584 00:52:37,757 --> 00:52:40,393 SOMETHING. >> YES. MY GOD, YES. 585 00:52:40,393 --> 00:52:41,761 YOU GET IT. >> TOTALLY. ALL RIGHT. 586 00:52:41,761 --> 00:52:45,465 LET ME TRY AND FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT FOR YOU. [ LAUGHTER ] 587 00:52:45,465 --> 00:52:49,869 >> YOU ARE BEING TRANSFERRED TO A SOUTHWEST REFUND SPECIALIST. >> THANK YOU! 588 00:52:49,869 --> 00:52:57,410 >> IN TRAINING. >> NO! >> HEY. 589 00:52:57,410 --> 00:53:01,915 >> HELLO? >> YOU GET HIGH? >> DARIUS, NO! 590 00:53:01,915 --> 00:53:06,786 SORRY ABOUT THAT, SIR. PLEASE HOLD. >> DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET 591 00:53:06,786 --> 00:53:11,324 WI-FI ON YOUR FLIGHT? WE DIDN'T. IF YOU KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, 592 00:53:11,324 --> 00:53:15,261 CONTACT US. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO, TERMINAL C HUDSON 593 00:53:15,261 --> 00:53:20,066 NEWS. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN PURCHASING A WARM DASANI FOR $16.99? 594 00:53:20,066 --> 00:53:22,802 [ LAUGHTER ] >> NO. WHY DID THEY TRANSFER ME TO 595 00:53:22,802 --> 00:53:26,339 HUDSON NEWS? >> OH, WHO, SOUTHWEST? HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. 596 00:53:26,339 --> 00:53:31,311 I THINK I CAN GET THEM BACK. PLEASE HOLD. >> MR. CREAM. 597 00:53:31,311 --> 00:53:35,448 I HOPE ONE OF OUR WHITE EMPLOYEES WAS ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH THAT REFUND. 598 00:53:35,448 --> 00:53:40,620 >> I DON'T PREFER WHITES. AND NOBODY HAS HELPED ME. TO QUOTE DMX, Y'ALL GONNA MAKE 599 00:53:40,620 --> 00:53:45,992 ME LOSE MY MIND UP IN HERE. SO CONNECT ME TO THE HIGHEST-RANKING SOUTHWEST 600 00:53:45,992 --> 00:53:54,100 EMPLOYEE POSSIBLE RIGHT NOW! >> VERY WELL. PLEASE HOLD. 601 00:53:54,100 --> 00:54:00,106 >> GREETINGS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHO AM I SPEAKING TO? 602 00:54:00,106 --> 00:54:07,047 >> I AM BOTH SOUTH AND WEST. [ LAUGHTER ] NORTH AND EAST. 603 00:54:07,047 --> 00:54:12,085 I'M ALL DIRECTIONS, ALL DESTINATIONS. AS LONG AS THEY ARE IN THE 604 00:54:12,085 --> 00:54:14,754 UNITED STATES OR MEXICO. [ LAUGHTER ] >> GREAT. 605 00:54:14,754 --> 00:54:19,559 CAN YOU CANCEL MY FLIGHT AND JUST GIVE ME A REFUND? >> NO. 606 00:54:19,559 --> 00:54:22,595 >> DON'T DO THE NO THING WITH ME. REFUND. 607 00:54:22,595 --> 00:54:26,499 NOW. >> SO BE IT. YOUR REFUND HAS BEEN ISSUED. 608 00:54:26,499 --> 00:54:32,205 MINUS A $75 CANCELLATION FEE AND $200 REBOOKING CHARGE. THANK YOU FOR FLYING SOUTHWEST, 609 00:54:32,205 --> 00:54:39,713 VAGINALD. >> IT'S REGINALD! >> THEN WHY THE BAG SAY JEFFREY 610 00:54:39,713 --> 00:54:42,082 SMITH? [ APPLAUSE ] 611 00:54:49,389 --> 00:54:51,391 >>> ONCE AGAIN, SABRINA CARPENTER. 612 00:54:51,391 --> 00:54:52,625 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 613 00:54:53,159 --> 00:54:54,961 * DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO 614 00:54:54,961 --> 00:54:57,664 DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO DO-DO * * DO-DO-DO 615 00:54:57,664 --> 00:55:02,469 DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO * * OH I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER 616 00:55:02,469 --> 00:55:06,906 LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU OFF MY MIND * 617 00:55:08,074 --> 00:55:11,044 * OH IT'S LIKE THAT I'M YOUR DREAM COME TRUE 618 00:55:11,044 --> 00:55:20,720 WHEN IT'S ON A PLATTER FOR YOU * * AND THEN YOU PULL BACK 619 00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:26,059 WHEN I TRY TO MAKE PLANS MORE THAN TWO HOURS IN ADVANCE * 620 00:55:26,059 --> 00:55:30,130 * I SLAM THE DOOR I HIT IGNORE I'M SAYING NO NO NO 621 00:55:30,130 --> 00:55:36,703 NO MORE * * I GOT YOU BLOCKED AFTER THIS AN AFTERTHOUGHT 622 00:55:36,703 --> 00:55:42,175 I FINALLY CUT YOU OFF * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU 623 00:55:42,175 --> 00:55:47,347 OFF MY MIND AHH * * FLOATIN' THROUGH 624 00:55:47,347 --> 00:55:55,088 THE MEMORIES LIKE WHATEVER YOU'RE A WASTE OF TIME AHH * 625 00:55:55,088 --> 00:56:00,760 * YOUR SIGNALS ARE MIXED YOU ACT LIKE A BITCH YOU FIT EVERY STEREOTYPE 626 00:56:00,760 --> 00:56:07,033 SEND A PIC * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER 627 00:56:07,033 --> 00:56:11,404 WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE * * DO-DO-DO 628 00:56:11,404 --> 00:56:18,378 DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO DO-DO * 629 00:56:18,378 --> 00:56:21,414 * LIKE A FEATHER, LIKE A FEATHER, LIKE A FEATHER * * IT FEELS SO GOOD 630 00:56:21,414 --> 00:56:28,555 NOT CARIN' WHERE YOU ARE TONIGHT * * AND IT FEELS SO GOOD 631 00:56:28,555 --> 00:56:37,297 NOT PRETENDING TO LIKE THE WINE YOU LIKE * * WELL I SLAM THE DOOR 632 00:56:37,297 --> 00:56:42,569 I HIT IGNORE I'M SAYING NO NO NO NO MORE * 633 00:56:42,569 --> 00:56:53,780 * I GOT YOU BLOCKED EXCITED TO NEVER TALK I -- I'M ON SNL AND YOU'RE NOT * 634 00:56:53,780 --> 00:56:55,548 * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU OFF MY MIND 635 00:56:55,548 --> 00:57:00,520 AHH * * FLOATIN' THROUGH THE MEMORIES 636 00:57:00,520 --> 00:57:05,892 LIKE WHATEVER YOU'RE A WASTE OF TIME * * AHH 637 00:57:05,892 --> 00:57:12,032 YOUR SIGNALS ARE MIXED YOU ACT LIKE A BITCH YOU FIT EVERY STEREOTYPE * 638 00:57:12,032 --> 00:57:18,271 * SEND A PIC I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU 639 00:57:18,271 --> 00:57:21,641 OUT MY LIFE * * WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE DO-DO-DO 640 00:57:21,641 --> 00:57:27,781 DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO * * DO-DO-DO 641 00:57:27,781 --> 00:57:32,052 YOU WANT ME I'M DONE * * YOU MISS ME 642 00:57:32,052 --> 00:57:35,522 NO DUH WHERE I'M AT I'M UP WHERE I'M AT * 643 00:57:35,522 --> 00:57:37,590 * YOU WANT ME I'M DONE YOU MISS ME 644 00:57:37,590 --> 00:57:41,861 NO DUH * * WHERE I'M AT I'M UP I'M UP 645 00:57:41,861 --> 00:57:49,336 WHERE I'M AT * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU 646 00:57:49,336 --> 00:57:55,275 OFF MY MIND * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU 647 00:57:55,275 --> 00:58:07,754 OUT MY MIND * ** * WELL I'LL BE HONEST 648 00:58:07,754 --> 00:58:12,726 LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT ME THINKIN' NONSENSE * * CARTWHEELS IN MY STOMACH 649 00:58:12,726 --> 00:58:18,431 WHEN YOU WALK IN * * WHEN YOU GOT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME 650 00:58:18,431 --> 00:58:25,572 OH IT FEELS SO GOOD * I THINK I GOT AN EX BUT I FORGOT HIM 651 00:58:25,572 --> 00:58:30,410 AND I CAN'T FIND MY CHILL I MUST'VE LOST IT * * I DON'T EVEN KNOW 652 00:58:30,410 --> 00:58:34,214 I'M TALKIN' NONSENSE I'M TALKIN' I'M TALKIN' * 653 00:58:34,214 --> 00:58:39,052 * I'M TALKIN' THIS SONG CATCHIER THAN CHICKENPOX IS * 654 00:58:39,052 --> 00:58:42,922 * I BET YOUR HOUSE IS WHERE MY OTHER SOCK IS * * WOKE UP THIS MORNING 655 00:58:42,922 --> 00:58:46,893 THOUGHT I'D WRITE A POP HIT * * HOW QUICKLY CAN YOU 656 00:58:46,893 --> 00:58:51,431 TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF POP QUIZ * * HE IS 30 ROCK HARD 657 00:58:51,431 --> 00:58:56,469 CUZ I SAID HI MY SENSE OF HUMOR IS BUT I AM NOT DRY * 658 00:58:56,469 --> 00:59:01,508 * SNL I JUST CAME FOR THE FIRST TIME * ** 659 00:59:01,508 --> 00:59:05,311 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 660 00:59:16,356 --> 00:59:20,026 >> Announcer: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE NEW YORK POLICE 661 00:59:20,026 --> 00:59:24,597 DEPARTMENT. >>> WELCOME, EVERYONE. I'M SERGEANT JEFF McDOUGAL. 662 00:59:24,597 --> 00:59:29,135 I WANT TO START OUT BY SAYING NEW YORK CITY HAS A LOT TO BE PROUD OF. 663 00:59:29,135 --> 00:59:34,040 THE KNICKS ARE GOOD. THE RANGERS ARE GOOD. THE METS ARE TRYING THEIR BEST. 664 00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:39,279 [ LAUGHTER ] BUT SUMMER IS COMING UP AND WE ARE SEEING AN INCREASE IN RANDOM 665 00:59:39,279 --> 00:59:42,949 ACTS OF VIOLENCE ACROSS THE STREETS. SO JUST THIS WEEK NATIONAL 666 00:59:42,949 --> 00:59:48,788 TREASURE STEVE BUSCEMI WAS PUNCHED WHILE WALKING THROUGH KIPS BAY. 667 00:59:48,788 --> 00:59:54,394 THESE TYPES OF ATTACKS CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. SO TO EVERYONE WATCHING I HAVE 668 00:59:54,394 --> 00:59:59,332 ONE IMPORTANT MESSAGE. STOP PUNCHING CHARACTER ACTORS IN THE FACE. 669 00:59:59,332 --> 01:00:03,737 [ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT SERGEANT, WASN'T THAT JUST ONE ISOLATED INCIDENT? 670 01:00:03,737 --> 01:00:10,944 >> UNFORTUNATELY, THIS FOLLOWS SIMILAR ASSAULTS ON RICK MORANIS AND THE SHOCKINGLY VERSATILE 671 01:00:10,944 --> 01:00:17,217 MICHAEL STUHLBERG. >> OH, THAT GUY! >> I WANT TO SAY HIS NAME IS TOM 672 01:00:17,217 --> 01:00:21,354 SOMETHING. >> IT'S MICHAEL STUHLBERG. [ LAUGHTER ] 673 01:00:21,354 --> 01:00:25,425 THE POINT IS CHARACTER ACTORS ARE BEING TARGETED. >> AND HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE 674 01:00:25,425 --> 01:00:31,931 CHARACTER ACTOR? >> SIMPLY PUT, IT'S ACTORS WHOSE FACES YOU CAN REMEMBER BUT NAMES 675 01:00:31,931 --> 01:00:35,235 YOU CANNOT. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHEN YOU'RE WALKING IN NEW 676 01:00:35,235 --> 01:00:42,375 YORK, YOU MAY BE AT RISK IF -- YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON THE TV SHOW "BOARDWALK EMPIRE." 677 01:00:42,375 --> 01:00:49,749 YOU HAVE A FACE THAT MAKES CASTING DIRECTORS GO "OH, INTERESTING." 678 01:00:49,749 --> 01:00:52,018 [ LAUGHTER ] YOUR IMDB PAGE HAS OVER 100 ENTRIES BUT ALL YOUR CHARACTERS 679 01:00:52,018 --> 01:00:56,956 JUST HAVE A FIRST NAME. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'VE EVER DONE A THREE-EPISODE 680 01:00:56,956 --> 01:01:01,795 ARC ON A TV SHOW WHOSE TITLE IS JUST LETTERS. [ LAUGHTER ] 681 01:01:01,795 --> 01:01:06,866 >> SERGEANT, WHAT IS THE NYPD DOING TO PREVENT FUTURE ATTACKS? >> WELL, WE'RE OFFERING 682 01:01:06,866 --> 01:01:13,239 PROTECTION TO CHARACTER ACTORS WE KNOW ARE AT RISK. WE'VE ASSIGNED A SECURITY DETAIL 683 01:01:13,239 --> 01:01:19,179 TO STEPHEN ROOT. WE'RE ASKING THAT YOU AVOID MASS TRANSIT IF YOU EVER PLAYED A 684 01:01:19,179 --> 01:01:24,584 GIRLFRIEND ON "SEINFELD." [ LAUGHTER ] OR A BOYFRIEND ON "SEX AND THE 685 01:01:24,584 --> 01:01:26,953 CITY." [ LAUGHTER ] AND WE'VE ASKED PAUL GIAMATTI TO 686 01:01:26,953 --> 01:01:30,557 SHELTER IN PLACE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> QUESTION. 687 01:01:30,557 --> 01:01:34,894 DO WE REALLY CONSIDER PAUL GIAMATTI TO BE JUST A CHARACTER ACTOR IN THIS STAGE OF HIS 688 01:01:34,894 --> 01:01:39,332 CAREER? >> COME ON, HE'S NO BRAD PITT. >> I'M NOT SAYING HE'S BRAD 689 01:01:39,332 --> 01:01:42,802 PITT. I'M SAYING "SIDEWAYS," "THE HOLDOVERS." 690 01:01:42,802 --> 01:01:46,606 OBVIOUSLY, HE'S NOT BRAD PITT. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ] 691 01:01:46,606 --> 01:01:51,611 EVERYONE RELAX. I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN. WHICH IS WHY I'M PROUD TO 692 01:01:51,611 --> 01:01:58,385 ANNOUNCE THE NYPD IS STARTING A NEW TASK FORCE CALLED THE ORGANIZATION TO HINDER HARMFUL 693 01:01:58,385 --> 01:02:05,792 INCIDENTS IN MANHATTAN. ALSO KNOWN AS OH HIM. [ LAUGHTER ] 694 01:02:05,792 --> 01:02:09,796 NOW, HERE ARE SOME OTHER CHARACTER ACTORS WHO SHOULD BE ON HIGH ALERT. 695 01:02:09,796 --> 01:02:14,234 THIS GUY WHO'S USUALLY LIKE THE VILLAIN. [ LAUGHTER ] 696 01:02:14,234 --> 01:02:21,074 THIS LADY. SHE'S FUNNY. THIS GUY. 697 01:02:21,074 --> 01:02:27,080 HE'S IN EVERYTHING. AND OF COURSE STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY. 698 01:02:27,080 --> 01:02:32,686 >> OH, THAT GUY. >> I WANT TO SAY HIS NAME IS TIM SOMETHING? 699 01:02:32,686 --> 01:02:36,089 >> IT'S STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY. I JUST SAID IT. [ LAUGHTER ] 700 01:02:36,089 --> 01:02:40,326 IT'S LITERALLY RIGHT THERE. OH, I SEE THERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION. 701 01:02:40,326 --> 01:02:43,663 >> YEAH. HI. HI. 702 01:02:43,663 --> 01:02:48,168 WOULD AN ACTOR LIKE, SAY, JON HAMM HAVE TO BE WORRIED? >> NO. 703 01:02:48,168 --> 01:02:51,571 I THINK YOU'RE FINE. >> GOOD. I CAN'T GET PUNCHED. 704 01:02:51,571 --> 01:02:54,974 WITHOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE I'M JUST A TALL GUY WITH A PERFECT BODY. 705 01:02:54,974 --> 01:03:01,915 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> COME ON NOW. YOU'RE NOT BRAD PITT. 706 01:03:01,915 --> 01:03:08,054 >> I'M NOT SAYING I'M BRAD PITT. >> OKAY, THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP THIS PRESS CONFERENCE. 707 01:03:08,054 --> 01:03:11,791 WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. >> YES. 708 01:03:11,791 --> 01:03:17,764 WHY DOES THE NYPD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT CHARACTER ACTORS? >> WHY? 709 01:03:17,764 --> 01:03:22,435 BECAUSE THEY'RE THE LIFEBLOOD OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. WITHOUT CHARACTER ACTORS WHO 710 01:03:22,435 --> 01:03:28,541 WOULD BE THE ONE PERSON IN THE CROWD WHO STANDS UP AND SHOUTS "GET HIM, SPIDER-MAN"! 711 01:03:28,541 --> 01:03:32,679 [ LAUGHTER ] WORE WHO WOULD PLAY THE TSA OFFICER IN A ROM-COM WHO SAYS 712 01:03:32,679 --> 01:03:35,115 "SHUT UP AND KISS HER ALREADY." [ LAUGHTER ] THESE PEOPLE DIDN'T BECOME 713 01:03:35,115 --> 01:03:39,452 ACTORS BY BEING BEAUTIFUL. THEY BECAME ACTORS BY BEING GOOD AT ACTING. 714 01:03:39,452 --> 01:03:44,724 SO PLEASE, NEXT TIME YOU SEE A CHARACTER ACTOR ON THE STREET DON'T PUNCH HIM. 715 01:03:44,724 --> 01:03:48,628 GOOGLE HIM. [ LAUGHTER ] TO FIGURE OUT THE THING THAT HE 716 01:03:48,628 --> 01:03:54,801 WAS IN. AND THANK THEM. ** 717 01:04:06,312 --> 01:04:11,184 ** >>> BARKEEP! 718 01:04:11,184 --> 01:04:15,255 ONE WHISKEY. >> DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND BEFORE. 719 01:04:15,255 --> 01:04:19,793 WHAT BRINGS YOU THROUGH? >> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. POUR THE DRINK AND MOVE ALONG. 720 01:04:19,793 --> 01:04:27,667 >> HEY. I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE. >> MM. 721 01:04:27,667 --> 01:04:31,071 NOW, I WOULDN'T MIND SHOOTING THE BREEZE WITH YOU, LITTLE MISS BROWN EYES. 722 01:04:31,071 --> 01:04:36,376 >> QUIT LOOKING AT MY EYES AND READ MY LIPS. NOT INTERESTED. 723 01:04:36,376 --> 01:04:41,981 >> OH, COME ON. AT LEAST LET ME PICK UP YOUR TAB. 724 01:04:41,981 --> 01:04:48,922 PRETTY LITTLE THING LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY. [ GASPS ] 725 01:04:48,922 --> 01:04:52,792 >> OH, FELLA, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU YOU'LL GET UP OUT OF HERE. 726 01:04:52,792 --> 01:04:58,565 YOU JUST MADE A PASS AT LEXI. THAT'S SNAKE EYES' GIRL. >> OH, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE. 727 01:04:58,565 --> 01:05:10,910 HERE HE COMES NOW. OH, NO. SNAKE EYES GONNA KILL YOU. 728 01:05:10,910 --> 01:05:15,615 >> NOW, SNAKE EYES, COME ON. HE DIDN'T KNOW. >> HUSH UP. 729 01:05:15,615 --> 01:05:17,917 [ LAUGHTER ] LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU'RE THINKING OF BEING 730 01:05:17,917 --> 01:05:23,690 SWEET ON MY GIRL, I GOT JUST ONE THING TO SAY. YOU BETTER NOT. 731 01:05:23,690 --> 01:05:27,494 [ LAUGHTER ] >> BABY, HE AIN'T DO NOTHING. >> ZIP IT. 732 01:05:27,494 --> 01:05:31,831 NOW, FRIEND, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TILL THE COUNT OF TEN. >> COUNT OF TEN TO WHAT? 733 01:05:31,831 --> 01:05:37,303 >> TO QUIT BEING A BUTT. OR ELSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY TWO FRIENDS, 734 01:05:37,303 --> 01:05:40,707 COOL IT AND KNOCK IT OFF. >> THEN GO AHEAD AND START COUNTING. 735 01:05:40,707 --> 01:05:43,076 >> HAVE IT YOUR WAY. HEY. LOOK AT ME. 736 01:05:43,076 --> 01:05:46,980 ONE, TWO. I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE. THREE. 737 01:05:46,980 --> 01:05:51,451 OOH, I'M MAD. >> FELLA, YOU BETTER GET. THE LAST GUY WHO LET SNAKE EYES 738 01:05:51,451 --> 01:05:56,189 GET TO 10 IS SETTING RIGHT OVER THERE. [ LAUGHTER ] 739 01:05:56,189 --> 01:06:00,126 >> OH, MAN. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? >> LET'S JUST SAY HE POKED THE 740 01:06:00,126 --> 01:06:05,165 BEAR AND GOT THE PAW. SOMETHING SEEMS LIKE YOU MIGHT BE LEARNING AROUND RIGHT HERE 741 01:06:05,165 --> 01:06:12,205 RIGHT NOW COMING UP RIGHT HERE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M FIXING TO DO TO YOU. 742 01:06:12,205 --> 01:06:14,874 ALL RIGHT? FIRST I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH ONE OF THESE. 743 01:06:14,874 --> 01:06:19,145 [ GASPS ] >> YOU BETTER WATCH IT, PAL. SNAKE EYES' LOOKS CAN KILL. 744 01:06:19,145 --> 01:06:22,949 >> I AIN'T WORRIED. I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO SHOOT A FEW LOOKS MYSELF. 745 01:06:22,949 --> 01:06:30,857 >> ALL RIGHT, BUSTER. I WARNED YOU. HERE IT COMES. 746 01:06:30,857 --> 01:06:37,464 >> ALMOST GOT ME WITH THAT. BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS? 747 01:06:37,464 --> 01:06:45,772 >> OH! >> SNAKE EYES! NO. 748 01:06:45,772 --> 01:06:52,278 HANG IN THERE, BUD. >> OH, MY STARS. LOOKS LIKE OLD SNAKE EYES JUST 749 01:06:52,278 --> 01:06:56,216 RAN OUT OF LUCK. >> GOOD FIGHT, SNAKE EYES. I'M SORRY IT HAS TO END LIKE 750 01:06:56,216 --> 01:07:00,186 THIS. YOU HAVE MY RESPECT. >> YOU CAN'T DIE, SNAKE EYES. 751 01:07:00,186 --> 01:07:04,290 I'M PREGNANT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A SON. >> YOU MEAN IT? 752 01:07:04,290 --> 01:07:09,229 WELL, SHOOT. MISTER, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU GO AND MARRY LEXI. 753 01:07:09,229 --> 01:07:15,135 AND YOU RAISE THAT BOY. YOU TEACH HIM RIGHT FROM WRONG. AND HOW TO FIGHT. 754 01:07:15,135 --> 01:07:22,809 AND WHEN TO JUST KNOCK IT OFF. >> I WILL, SNAKE EYES. I WILL. 755 01:07:42,595 --> 01:07:46,499 >>> THANK YOU TO THE INCREDIBLE SABRINA CARPENTER, THE 756 01:07:46,499 --> 01:07:51,571 INCOMPARABLE JON HAMM, LORNE MICHAELS, THE ENTIRE CAST AND CREW OF "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 757 01:07:51,571 --> 01:07:57,610 THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!