>> Announcer: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM FORMER PRESIDENT DONALD
TRUMP FROM HIS NEW HOME, THE BARRICADES OUTSIDE OF A MANHATTAN COURTHOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GREETINGS, EVERYONE.
AND THANK YOU FOR COMING TO VISIT ME IN MY CAGE AT THE ZOO. I'M REALLY ENJOYING THESE
POST-COURT PRESS CONFERENCES IN THIS VERY WEIRD AND DEPRESSING HALLWAY.
I DON'T LIKE BEING IN COURT BECAUSE THEY SAY VERY MEAN THINGS ABOUT ME WHILE I AM
TRYING TO SLEEP. [ LAUGHTER ] BUT I LOVE BEING OUT HERE IN THE
HALLWAY OUTSIDE COURT. DARING JUDGE TO IMPRISON ME. HE GAVE ME A GAG ORDER.
I SAID THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CHALLENGE ON RUPAUL. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT YOU KNOW, IN MANY WAYS COURT HAS BEEN GREAT FOR ME. IT'S BEEN VERY EYE-CLOSENING.
[ LAUGHTER ] UNFORTUNATELY, AT THE END OF THIS TRIAL IT LOOKS LIKE I'M
GETTING A VERY HARSH SENTENCE AND BEING SENT TO A HORRIBLE PLACE I DO NOT WANT TO GO TO.
THE WHITE HOUSE. [ LAUGHTER ] I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THE
WHITE HOUSE BUT IT APPEARS PEOPLE WANT TO SEND ME THERE. WHY?
I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T TELL YOU. FOR ME MUCH BETTER TO NOT WIN
AND SAY IT WAS RIGGED AND THEN GET VERY RICH RAISING MONEY TO STOP THE STEAL AND YOU NEVER
HAVE TO DO PRESIDENT AGAIN. I LIKE THAT A LOT. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE SHOULD DO THAT. BUT NOW MY DEFENSE IN THIS TRIAL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN ON MONDAY.
AND TRUST ME, I WOULD LOVE TO TESTIFY. I'M NOT AFRAID TO TESTIFY AT
ALL. I'M JUST NOT GOING TO OUT OF FEAR.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU SEE, THEY DO A TERRIBLE THING WHEN YOU TESTIFY, WHICH IS
THEY WRITE IT DOWN AND WE DON'T LIKE THAT. THAT WAS A JUROR.
DID YOU SEE HER FACE? EVERYONE JUST SAW HER FACE, AND NOW HER LIFE IS OVER, FOLKS.
MY PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SCREENSHOT HER FACE AND DOX HER TO HELL.
WE LOVE TO DOX. GOT TO PULL THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL, SWEETIE.
[ LAUGHTER ] PULL THE KIDS OUT OF SCHOOL. THEY CALL HER JUROR 9.
BUT TO ME SHE'S LIKE A 6 MAYBE. [ LAUGHTER ] OH, GET OVER IT.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ASKING ABOUT MY VP. WE LOVE TO SAY VP.
VP! LIKE VEEP WITH ELAINE FROM "SEINFELD."
SHE CAN'T DANCE. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO ANNOUNCE MY VP PICK JUST YET.
IN MANY WAYS IT WILL BE DETERMINED BY THE WINNER OF THE JAKE PAUL-MIKE TYSON FIGHT.
SO WE'LL BE WATCHING THAT VERY CLOSELY. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I HAVE INVITED A FEW NAMES FROM MY SHORT BUS -- I MEAN MY SHORT LIST.
[ LAUGHTER ] TO COME TO COURT AND DO A LITTLE DANCE FOR ME.
THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY BUT INSTEAD THEY'RE SITTING IN PORN COURT HOPING
I'LL SMILE AT THEM. IT'S REALLY SAD. IT'S VERY SAD.
FIRST WE'VE GOT SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR TIM SCOTT. >> YEAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THAT'S RIGHT. SENATOR TIM SCOTT IN THE
HIZZOUSE. AND I'M HERE TO HELP TRUMP WIN THE BLACK VOTE.
SPECIFICALLY MY VOTE. NO OTHER BLACK VOTES BECAUSE BLACK PEOPLE DO NOT LIKE ME.
>> IT'S TRUE. I'M MORE POPULAR THAN YOU AMONG BLACKS.
WHICH IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING. >> PEOPLE HAVE CALLED MY SUPPORT
OF TRUMP HUMILIATING. BUT TRUST ME, I AM MY OWN MAN. WHEN DONALD TRUMP SAYS JUMP I
DON'T SAY HOW HIGH. I SAY HERE COMES THE JUMP I WAS GOING TO DO ANYWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NEXT OF COURSE WE HAVE A TOTAL SWEETHEART AND FRANKLY
KIND OF A HOTTIE BOOM-BATI. IT'S SOUTH DAKOTA GOVERNOR KRISTI NOEM.
>> NOBODY MOVE OR THE PUPPY GETS IT! I'M KIDDING.
IT'S A FAKE DOG. BUT IT'S A REAL GUN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, KRISTI COULD BE AN INTERESTING PICK FOR VP. BECAUSE ON ONE HAND SHE SHOT A
DOG, WHICH YOU REALLY CAN'T DO. DON'T SHOOT DOGS, FOLKS. SHE JUMPED THE SHARK WHEN SHE
SHOT THE DOG. FONZIE. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, SHE SHOT
A DOG. WHICH IS PRETTY AWESOME. >> I KILL GOATS TOO.
>> OKAY. YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE, SWEETIE. KRISTI NOEM, EVERYBODY.
AND FINALLY, MY LAST AND FAVORITE CHOICE IS A MAN I CAN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT.
IN MY RALLIES. IT'S THE LATE GREAT HANNIBAL LECTER.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] THERE HE IS.
LOOK AT HIM. I KEEP CALLING HIM LATE AND GREAT EVEN THOUGH HE'S NOT DEAD,
HE'S NOT GREAT, AND HE'S NOT REAL. BUT I THINK HE WOULD REALLY
SCARE EVERYBODY AT THE BORDER, RIGHT? CAN ANYONE ELSE SEE HIM OR IS IT
JUST ME? [ LAUGHTER ] OKAY.
GET HIM OUT OF HERE. WE'RE DONE. HE'S GIVING ME PENCE VIBES.
I DON'T LIKE THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] WELL, I SHOULD PROBABLY WRAP
THIS UP BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST SUMMER. AND I PROMISE IT'S GOING TO BE
THE SUMMER OF TRUMP. YOU'RE GOING TO GET THAT TRUMP ESPRESSO.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO MANY FUN THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
I'LL BE SELLING MORE TRUMP BIBLES. BUT THIS SUMMER I'M DOING JEWISH
BIBLE AS WELL. THEY CALL IT TORAH. DO YOU LOVE BIBLE BUT THINK
JESUS WAS JUST A REGULAR GUY? THEN PICK UP TRUMP TORAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THEN OF COURSE I'M GOING TO BE DOING ANOTHER JANUARY 6th, THIS TIME IN JULY.
GOING TO BE FUN. YOU SEE ALL THOSE GUYS BACK AT THE CAPITOL BUT THIS TIME IN
SHORTS. [ LAUGHTER ] AND FINALLY, JUST REMEMBER, IF
YOU'RE TIRED ABOUT HEARING ALL OF MY TRIALS, ALL YOU'VE GOT TO DO IS VOTE FOR ME AND IT WILL
ALL GO AWAY. [ LAUGHTER ] SO IN THE WORDS OF MY HERO AND
MENTOR THE LATE GREAT HANNIBAL LECTER, LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
** >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"! WITH --
MUSICAL GUEST SABRINA CARPENTER!
AND YOUR HOST, JAKE GYLLENHAAL!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JAKE GYLLENHAAL!
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT'S GREAT, GREAT TO BE HOSTING
THE FINALE OF SEASON 49. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I MEAN, WHEN YOU THINK OF
HISTORIC TELEVISION SEASONS, THE FIRST NUMBER THAT POPS INTO YOUR HEAD IS 49.
[ LAUGHTER ] I MEAN, SURE, YOU KNOW, ONE MORE EPISODE AND I WOULD HAVE BEEN
HOSTING THE PREMIERE OF THE 50th SEASON. BUT WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW. 40 IS A GREAT NUMBER. I MEAN, SEVEN TIMES SEVEN.
CLASSIC. OH, AND 49 IS LIKE 69 BUT EASIER.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALSO, 49 IS THE NUMBER OF TIMES CONOR McGREGOR ACCIDENTALLY
PUNCHED ME DURING "ROAD HOUSE." [ LAUGHTER ] PEOPLE ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
WORK WITH CONOR, AND I ALWAYS SAY OH, SO GREAT BECAUSE I'M SCARED HE'S NEARBY.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT THE POINT IS I'M HONORED TO BE HOSTING TONIGHT.
BECAUSE I DID SOME RESEARCH AND I LEARNED THAT "SNL" ALWAYS BRINGS OUT THE BIG GUNS TO HOST
THE -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH.
OKAY. THEY DO ALWAYS BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS, BUT THEY REALLY BRING OUT
THE BIG GUNS TO HOST THE LAST EPISODE BEFORE THE BIG ANNIVERSARY SEASON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LIKE YOU KNOW WHO HOSTED THE SEASON 9 FINALE?
THAT'S RIGHT. MAYOR ED KOCH. [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. THE KOCH MAN HIMSELF. AND I KNOW WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR
SEASON 50. BUT YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T GET TO 50 WITHOUT A LITTLE BIT OF 49.
AND WE'RE HERE AT THE FINALE. THE END OF THE ROAD. * WE BELONG TOGETHER *
* AND YOU KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT * * I'VE LOVED YOU RIGHT FROM THE START *
* OH SEASON 49 * * YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY "SNL'S" FIRST CHOICE TO HOST THE
FINALE * * AFTER A LOT OF PEOPLE SAID NO *
[ LAUGHTER ] * I GUESS THEY'RE ALL HOLDING OUT FOR THE 50th *
* BUT NOT ME, NOT LITTLE J.G. * * I'M THE ONE WHO SAID YEAH * * THEY ASKED PEDRO PASCAL BUT HE
WASN'T AROUND * * ZENDAYA SAID NO 'CAUSE SHE'D BE OUT OF TOWN *
* EVEN ASKED GOSLING TO COME BACK AGAIN * * JUST HOSTED THREE SHOWS AGO *
* ALTHOUGH WE'VE COME TO THE END OF THE ROAD * * IT'S THE LAST EPISODE *
* TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE * * SEASON 49 * * YOU'LL BE 50 SOON *
* GIRL * * WE DID A LOT OF SKETCHES THIS YEAR *
* AND MOST OF THEM WERE FINE * * IT'S ONE OF THE TOP 48 SEASONS *
* SEASON 49 * * AND EVEN THOUGH THIS IS THE END OF ONE SEASON *
* I'D LIKE TO THINK IT'S ALSO THE START OF A NEW ONE * * IN MANY WAYS THIS IS THE REAL
EPISODE, FIRST EPISODE OF SEASON 50 * >> NOPE.
NO, IT'S NOT. >> HAD TO TRY. * IT'S BEEN 49 YEARS *
* OVER 900 SHOWS * * COSTUMES AND WIGS AND A ROOM FULL OF BLOW *
* SO MANY STARS * * HAVE WALKED OUT THAT DOOR * * SO HERE'S TO 49 MORE *
* WE'VE COME * * TO THE END OF THE ROAD * * LET ME HEAR YOU *
* IT'S THE LAST EPISODE * * TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE * * TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE *
* SEASON 49 * * WE'LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU ** >> WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT! SABRINA CARPENTER IS HERE! SO STICK AROUND!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
>>> CHRIS, I'VE GOT TO SAY, SEEMS LIKE MY DAUGHTER PICKED A
GOOD ONE. >> WELL, THANK YOU, SIR. I LOVE HER A LOT.
IT MEANS SO MUCH TO FINALLY MEET HER FOLKS. >> WELL, US TOO, YOU KNOW.
NOW, HOW LONG TILL DINNER? CHRIS AND I ARE STARVING. >> I'M FINE.
REALLY. >> OKAY. WELL, EASY, TIGER.
THE ROAST IS ALMOST DONE. JUST TEN MORE MINUTES. >> IN THAT CASE, MOM, I WANTED
TO GO GRAB SOME OF MY OLD STUFF FROM THE ATTIC. IS THAT OKAY?
>> SURE. YOU BOYS OKAY WITHOUT US? >> I THINK WE'LL BE FINE.
>> OKAY. NOW, STEVEN, YOU STAY OUT OF THOSE COOKIES ON THE COUNTER.
HE ALWAYS TRIES TO SNEAK ONE BEFORE DINNER. >> GUILTY AT CHARGES.
>> SIR, I KNOW WE JUST MET, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED TO ASK YOU.
>> DON'T TELL THE MISSUS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HEY, MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
>> OUR LITTLE SECRET. OKAY? >> YEAH, SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME.
>> I'M SERIOUS. DON'T SAY ANYTHING. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, YEAH. NO, I WON'T. >> AND YOU HEARD HER, RIGHT?
YOU HEARD HER SAY DON'T HAVE A COOKIE. BUT I'M HAVING ONE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH-I HEARD HER. >> COOL.
SO YOU'RE JUST GOING TO ROLL WITH ME ON THIS COOKIE THING, RIGHT?
DON'T BITCH OUT ON ME. [ LAUGHTER ] >> YES, I'LL ROLL WITH YOU ON
THE COOKIE. >> OKAY. >> JUST EAT IT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WHOO! GOD, THAT'S A GOOD COOKIE!
ANYWAY. YOU WANTED TO ASK ME SOMETHING? >> YES, SIR.
I JUST WANT TO SAY, YOUR DAUGHTER MEANS THE WORLD TO ME AND I WAS WONDERING IF --
>> YOU WANT TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER? >> YES, SIR.
>> YOU HAVE MY BLESSING. BECAUSE I CAN TELL YOU LOVE HER, AND I CAN TELL SHE LOVES YOU.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, YOU GOT MY BACK ON THE COOKIE THING, RIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YES, SIR. I GOT YOUR BACK ON THE COOKIE THING.
>> AND WE'RE BACK. WHAT DID YOU BOYS TALK ABOUT WHILE WE WERE GONE?
>> WELL, ACTUALLY, SOMETHING PRETTY BIG JUST HAPPENED. HANNAH, THERE'S SOMETHING I NEED
TO SAY. >> CHRIS, CAN I JUST TALK TO YOU IN THE KITCHEN FOR A SECOND?
>> YEAH, SURE. >> HEY! WERE YOU ABOUT TO TELL THEM
ABOUT THE COOKIE? [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHAT?
NO. >> BECAUSE MAYBE I'M STUPID BUT I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR ABOUT THE
COOKIE. >> YOU WERE CLEAR. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE COOKIE.
I'M TRYING TO PROPOSE. >> WELL, JUST KEEP THE COOKIE OUT OF IT!
>> BABE? DAD, IS EVERYTHING OKAY? >> EVERYTHING'S FINE, SWEETIE.
>> LOOK, IF YOU BRING UP THE COOKIE ONE MORE TIME, I WILL KILL YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU ARE COVERED IN CRUMBS. THAT'S WHAT'S GOING TO GIVE YOU
AWAY. >> BITCH, I'VE ALWAYS GOT CRUMBS ON ME.
THAT AIN'T SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, MY GOD.
WHO HAD A COOKIE? STEVE, DID YOU HAVE A COOKIE AGAIN?
>> WHAT? BABY, NO. I --
>> I HAD A COOKIE. [ LAUGHTER ] PLEASE, MA'AM, I JUST -- I
COULDN'T WAIT. I'M SORRY. >> DAD, IS THIS TRUE?
>> YEAH. CHRIS HAD A COOKIE. >> CHRISTOPHER.
THOSE ARE MY MOM'S PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES. YOU'RE ALLERGIC.
>> WHAT? >> OH, MY GOD. CALL AN AMBULANCE!
>> NO, NOT -- NO, I'M FINE. >> DUDE! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
WHY DID YOU EAT THAT? NO! >> OH, MY GOD!
STOP, I'M FINE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> YOU ATE THE COOKIE, RIGHT?
YOU ATE IT. SO YOU'VE GOT TO GET IT OUT, RIGHT?
>> STOP! I'M FINE. WHAT?
OW! OH, MY NECK! IN MY NECK YOU DO IT?
[ LAUGHTER ] GOD, I'M FINE! HANNAH, I'M TRYING TO PROPOSE.
>> YOU'RE PROPOSING? >> YES, BABY. I LOVE YOU.
WILL YOU MARRY ME? >> YES. OF COURSE I WILL.
>> OH, STEVEN, HOW WONDERFUL. OUR DAUGHTER'S GETTING MARRIED. >> THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF
MY LIFE. I FINALLY HAVE A SON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> WE NOW RETURN TO SCOOBY DOO AND THE MYSTERY OF THE SHADOW
PHANTOM. >> KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED, GANG. THE SHADOW PHANTOM HAS TO BE
HIDING SOMEWHERE. >> I HOPE WE FIND HIM SOON. THIS PLACE IS GIVING ME THE
CREEPS. >> ZOINKS. GUYS, LIKE I THINK THERE'S
SOMEONE BEHIND ME. >> YOU'RE SUCH A SCAREDY-CAT, SHAGGY.
IT'S JUST ME. >> RUT-RO. >> AND THAT SOUNDS LIKE A
SCAREDY-DOG. >> COME ON, GANG. I THINK SCOOBY'S IN TROUBLE.
IT'S JUST A SUIT OF ARMOR, SCOOBY. NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
>> BUT I'M SURE AFRAID OF THAT. >> PHANTOM? >> ZOINKS, SCOOB, LOOK OUT!
>> WOW, GREAT WORK, SCOOBY. >> YEAH, YOU CAPTURED THE PHANTOM.
>> RI RID? RI MEAN -- RI RID! >> NOW LET'S SEE WHO THIS
PHANTOM REALLY WAS. >> OLD MAN FRANKLIN? >> YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN
TERRORIZING THE TOWN? >> AND I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU
MEDDLING KIDS. >> AND LOOK. THIS BOOKCASE LEADS TO A SECRET
PASSAGE. THAT'S HOW HE SNUCK IN AND OUT. >> AND HE USED PIANO WIRES AND
PULLEYS TO MAKE HIMSELF FLOAT. >> BUT WAIT A SECOND. WHO IS OLD MAN FRANKLIN?
I MEAN REALLY. NO ONE IS WHO THEY APPEAR TO BE. [ SCREAMING ]
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS ANOTHER MASK! >> WHY?
>> WE NEED TO PUT THE FACE IN A BOWL OF DRY RICE. >> IT'S NOT A CELL PHONE, YOU
MORON! >> SCOOB, NO! >> SCOOBY!
>> I'M GOING TO BE SICK. [ SCREAMING ] >> I'M LIKE BLEEDING OUT, MAN.
>> IT'S OKAY, SHAGGY. I'LL GO GET HELP. >> OH, THE WIRE.
THE WIRE! >> ALL RIGHT. WHAT HAVE YOU KOOKY KIDS GOTTEN
YOURSELVES INTO? [ GUNSHOT ] >> YOU JUST SHOT A COP?
>> WE JUST SHOT A COP. WE CAN'T HAVE ANY WITNESSES. >> PLEASE DON'T.
[ GUNSHOTS ] >> NOW, ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU OUT?
OW. >> RUT-RO, BITCH. >> APPLE FACE I.D.
NEVER GET RIPPED OFF AGAIN. [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> CANDY? CIGARETTES?
THE SHOW'S ABOUT TO BEGIN. >> I HEARD THIS NEW REVIEW WAS QUITE THE SENSATION.
>> OH, YES. THEY'VE FLOWN IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRLS FROM ALL AROUND
THE WORLD. IF YOU LOOK CLOSER, YOU MIGHT SEE A NAKED COLLARBONE.
>> OOH LALA AND A HALF. >> DOWN, BROWARD. YOUR HEART.
>> THE TICK TACK CLUB IS PROUD TO PRESENT BILLY HARPER AND HIS BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.
* MADAM AND MONSIEURS * * I ASSURE YOU YOU'RE IN FOR A WONDERFUL TREAT *
* ONCE YOU HAPPEN TO MEET ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * * THEIR LIPS, THEIR TEETH,
WHAT'S UNDERNEATH * * HOORAY FOR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * * WE'RE PULLED *
* WE'RE CINCHED * * WE'VE PAINTED EVERY INCH BECAUSE *
* THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL GIRLS * >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M AS HARD AS A CAR DOOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BROWARD. * BUT THEY'RE NOT THE ONLY
CREATURE THAT WE'RE HERE TO FEATURE * * IF YOU SEEK GRACE AND POISE *
* THEN YOU HAVE TO MEET OUR BOYS * * OH, OH, HAVE YOU SEEN SUCH
BEAUTIFUL BOYS * * LUSCIOUS, LOVELY, GORGEOUS BOYS *
* WE LOVE TO WATCH THEM POSE * * IN THEIR TAN BOY CLOTHES * * THEY PREEN, THEY GLANCE, THEY
DANCE * * THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * [ APPLAUSE ]
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? >> IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE FINALLY GIVING THE LADIES SOMETHING TO
LOOK AT. I JUST WISH THEIR COSTUMES AND BODIES WERE A LITTLE NICER.
LOOKS LIKE THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY. >> IT TAKES A LOT TO MAKE A GIRL BEAUTIFUL.
BUT BOYS JUST HAVE IT. * WHEN A BOY LOOKS THIS GOOD YOU'LL WANT TO DROOL *
* AND YOU SHOULD * * ARE THEY SCULPTED MARBLE, NO * * BUT MY SHORTS ARE PURE CARGO *
>> THE BOYS GET TO WEAR SHORTS? I'M IN THREE CORSETS AND A TRUSS.
>> I ONLY EAT MARTINIS. >> AND I WAS TOLD IF I SWEAT LEGAL ACTION WOULD BE TAKEN
AGAINST ME. * OH, FLIRT AND FLY YOU BEAUTIFUL BOYS *
* EACH ONE CUTER THAN THE LAST * * IF YOU COULD HAVE YOUR PICK * * CHOOSE THE ONE WITH THE
BIGGEST HEART * [ LAUGHTER ] * THEY SIT, THEY KNEEL, THEY'RE
REAL, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * >> WE ARE GETTING OUT OF HERE. THIS IS TERRIBLE!
>> BROWARD, COME ON. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. >> AGAIN?
>> BROWARD. >> THE SPORTY BOY LOVES BASEBALL.
HIS TEAM IS IN FIRST PLACE. AND ONCE THE GAME IS OVER -- >> I'LL TAKE YOU TO SECOND BASE.
>> THE BEACH BOY LIVES FOR SUMMER. HE JUST WENT FOR A SWIM.
AND NOW HE'S OFF TO MEET YOUR FOLKS, STILL WEARING WHAT HE'S IN.
>> WHAT? IT'LL DRY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS BOY'S NOT MUCH TO LOOK AT. WHY DATE HIM?
HE'S SO PLAIN. YOU'LL CHANGE YOUR MIND WHEN YOU FIND OUT HIS DADDY OWNS A BURGER
CHAIN. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I'M FRED McDONALDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS BOY IS PURE THOUGHT INDEED AS ALL TRUE VIRGINS ARE.
>> WHAT? I'M NOT A VIRGIN. >> IS EXACTLY WHAT I AVIRGIN
WOULD SAY. >> SHUT UP. >> ASIDE FROM THE FACT HE'S A
CHEF, THIS BOY'S A MYSTERY. >> I'M INTO FEET. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY. >> OKAY, BROWARD, YOU WERE RIGHT.
LET'S GO. >> NO, HANG ON. HANG ON.
I'M INTO IT NOW. I LIKE THE LITTLE STORIES. * COME NOW *
* DON'T YOU CRAVE THESE BEAUTIFUL BOYS * * HOW COULD YOU CHOOSE ONLY
ONE * * AND WHILE YOU'RE TAKING STOCK *
* PICK THE ONE WITH THE FATTEST WALLET * [ LAUGHTER ]
* THOSE FUNNY, SUNNY, UGLY BEAUTIFUL BOYS ** [ APPLAUSE ]
>> WELL, THANK GOSH THAT'S OVER. READY, BROWARD? BROWARD?
* HATS OFF TO THESE BEAUTIFUL BOYS **
(CHEERS)
>>> IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY, ISN'T IT?
>> YEAH, IT IS. LOOK, HAILEY, THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
>> UM, OKAY. >> I HEARD BACK FROM APPLE, AND THEY OFFERED ME THE JOB.
>> WHAT? OH, MY GOD. THAT'S AMAZING.
>> I KNOW. BUT IT MEANS I'D HAVE TO MOVE TO CUPERTINO.
>> OH. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, HAILEY.
>> I MEAN, IT'S YOUR DREAM JOB. YOU HAVE TO GO. >> I MAY, BUT WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN FOR US? >> I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, I GUESS MAYBE WE
SHOULD -- >> ON YOUR LEFT! RIDER INBOUND.
ON YOUR LEFT! >> OH, SORRY, MAN. HERE, LET'S STEP OVER HERE.
>> I MEAN, LOOK, WE'RE BOTH ADULTS. I DON'T THINK EITHER OF US WANTS
TO GO LONG DISTANCE. >> NO, BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU. >> I DO TOO.
I MEAN, WHO KNOWS? MAYBE WE FIND -- >> ON YOUR LEFT!
CLEAR THE LANE! RESPECT THE RIDERS, PLEASE! >> YEAH, WE'RE GIVING YOU PLENTY
OF ROOM, MAN. AND HONESTLY, YOU'RE MOVING REALLY SLOW.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS MOUNTAIN IS INSANE! >> IT'S NOT REALLY A MOUNTAIN.
>> HERE. BABE, LET'S GO UP HERE. >> I MEAN, IT'S FUNNY.
I'VE BEEN DAYDREAMING ABOUT US LIVING TOGETHER. >> I KNOW.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT. AND HONESTLY, I'VE NEVER FELT SO CLOSE --
>> SIRI, SEND TEXT MESSAGE TO KATE FROM HINGE. HEY COMMA KATE, LAST NIGHT WAS
INCREDIBLE. EGGPLANT EMOJI. [ LAUGHTER ]
SORRY AGAIN FOR WHAT HAPPENED AT KARAOKE, PERIOD. I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT
WORD, COMMA. EVEN IF IT IS A BIG PART OF MY FAVORITE SONG BY KANYE AND
JAY-Z. [ LAUGHTER ] SHRUG EMOJI.
SPEAKING OF WHICH, COMMA, WE SHOULD VISIT PARIS SOMETIME, PERIOD.
EIFFEL TOWER GIF. SEND TEXT WITH SLAM EFFECT. >> HEY, MAN, MAYBE YOU CAN GET
OFF YOUR BIKE AND JUST WALK P THE HILL? >> I CAN'T, BRO.
CLIPPED IN BIG-TIME. >> YOU CAN JUST CLIP OUT AND CLIP BACK IN.
>> NO CAN DO. HAD TO PAY A GUY TO HELP ME THE FIRST TIME 'CAUSE I DON'T GOTS
NO FRIENDS. SIRI, TEXT THERAPIST. HAVE TIME FOR AN EMERGENCY SESH
TONIGHT, QUESTION MARK. FEELING DANGEROUSLY UNSTABLE. SEND WITH SLAM EFFECT.
SIRI, SEND NEW TEXT TO MOM. I KNOW I'VE ASKED THIS A HUNDRED TIMES, COMMA, BUT WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED TO DAD, QUESTION MARK. FROWNIE FACE EMOJI. SEND WITH INVISIBLE INK.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> CAN'T YOU GO HARDER OR SOMETHING?
>> I GUESS I CAN TRY -- OH, CRAMP. CRAMP.
[ CRASH ] >> WOW.
YOU WENT FLYING DOWN THOSE TREES. >> YEP.
HE'S DEFINITELY DEAD. ANYWAY, I STILL WANT TO BE FRIENDS.
>> ME TOO. I MEAN IT. I MEAN IT.
>> AND MAYBE DOWN THE ROAD WE CAN -- >> ON YOUR LEFT!
RESPECT THE RIDERS! >> WHO IS THIS GUY? >> PICKED UP A BOGEY DOWNHILL.
>> POPPED A TIRE WHEN I HIT A PORCUPEDE. SAWED THAT LITTLE PORCUPEDE
RIGHT IN HALF. >> IT'S PORCUPINE, NOT PORCUPEDE.
>> HEY, I LIKE YOUR VIBE. WOULD YOU WANT TO GO OUT SOMETIME?
>> I MEAN, I GUESS. I'M SINGLE NOW. >> HAILEY!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SIRI, SEND TEXT MESSAGE TO KATIE FROM HINGE.
HEY COMMA KATIE PERIOD. PET SOMEONE NEW PERIOD. YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE, COMMA.
YOU LOSE MIDDLE FINGER EMOJI. >> SEND WITH FIREWORKS EFFECT. >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST FORGET IT. FORGET IT. >> DAMN IT.
OH! OH, GOD. CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP, CRAMP,
CRAMP, CRAMP! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** >>> SHEMU.
FAST FASHION FROM CHINA. BUY ONLINE NOW. STYLE FOR LESS.
>> WAY LESS. >> UNBEATABLE PRICES. DRESS $10.
SHOES $5. >> HOW SO CHEAP? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
MEN'S T SHIRT $3. NOT MADE WITH FORCED LABOR. >> OKAY.
>> MODERN STYLES. DESIGNER DUPES. NO PRISONERS INVOLVED.
>> DID THERE USED TO BE OR SOMETHING? WHY BRING THAT UP?
>> TANKTOPS $3.99. NEW MERCH. NO PRISONERS.
NORMAL NUMBER OF WORKING HOURS EACH WEEK. >> SO LIKE 40 OR?
>> OR. >> OR WHAT? >> DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
MATCHING SETS. 2.50. ALL WORKERS PAID.
EVEN ONES WITH WRONG RELIGION. >> WAIT, WHAT? >> SHEMU.
BEST FACTORIES. HAPPIEST WORKERS. >> WAIT, THERE'S LIKE A NOTE
SEWN IN MY JACKET. >> THAT'S A THANK YOU NOTE FROM A HAPPY WORKER.
BEST MATERIALS. QUALITY CRAFTSMANSHIP. >> OH.
>> PREMIUM FABRICS. WITH NO LEAD. >> SEE, THAT MAKES ME THINK
THERE IS LEAD IN THIS. >> NO LEAD. GOOD CLOTHES.
BEST PRICES. MINIMAL LEAD. >> YOU SAID NO LEAD.
>> KIND OF SMELLS LIKE GASOLINE. >> OKAY. THIS IS GIVING SHADY.
BE REAL. IS THIS SHADY? >> IF IT WAS WOULD YOU STOP
BUYING IT? >> NO. >> NO.
>> MAYBE. NO.
>> GREAT. SHEMU. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
>> MY SHOE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SABRINA CARPENTER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME
EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO *
* SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO *
* MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO *
* SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO *
* I CAN'T RELATE TO DESPERATION MY 'GIVE-A-DAMNS'
ARE ON VACATION * * AND I GOT THIS ONE BOY AND HE WON'T STOP CALLING
WHEN THEY ACT THIS WAY I KNOW I GOT 'EM * * TOO BAD YOUR EX DON'T
DO IT FOR YA * * WALKED IN AND DREAM-CAME-TRUED IT
FOR YA * * SOFT SKIN AND I PERFUMED IT
I KNOW I MOUNTAIN DEW IT FOR YA * * THAT MORNING COFFEE
BREWED IT FOR YA ONE TOUCH AND I BRAND-NEWED IT *
* NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET
I GUESS SO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW
THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH
SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW
THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * I NEED A DRINK IS IT THAT SWEET
I GUESS SO * * I'M WORKING LATE 'CAUSE I'M A SINGER
OH HE LOOKS SO CUTE WRAPPED AROUND MY FINGER * * MY TWISTED HUMOR
MAKE HIM LAUGH SO OFTEN MY HONEY BEE COME AND GET THIS POLLEN *
* TOO BAD YOUR EX DON'T DO IT FOR YA * * WALKED IN
AND DREAM-CAME-TRUED IT FOR YA * * SOFT SKIN
AND I PERFUMED IT I KNOW I MOUNTAIN DEW IT FOR YA *
* THAT MORNING COFFEE BREWED IT FOR YA ONE TOUCH
AND I BRAND-NEWED IT * * NOW HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME EVERY NIGHT OH
IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP
BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * MOVE IT UP DOWN
LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO * * SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP
BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO * * HE'S THINKIN' 'BOUT ME
EVERY NIGHT OH IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO *
* SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP OH BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO *
* MOVE IT UP DOWN LEFT RIGHT OH SWITCH IT UP LIKE NINTENDO *
* SAY YOU CAN'T SLEEP BABY I KNOW THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO *
* WELL IS IT THAT SWEET I GUESS SO THAT'S THAT ME ESPRESSO *
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND
MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN AND PRESIDENT TRUMP HAVE AGREED TO TWO DEBATES THIS SUMMER.
NOR A PREVIEW OF THE DEBATES TAKE A BOTTLE OF ADDERALL AND AMBIEN AT THE SAME TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ] BIDEN POST AID VIDEO CHALLENGING TRUMP TO THE DEBATE.
SAYING "MAKE MY DAY, PAL." TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED "LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE."
TWO PHRASES THAT ARE GUARANTEED TO LOCK UP THE YOUTH VOTE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> DONALD TRUMP SAID THAT AT THE DEBATES HE WANTS BOTH OF THEM TO STAND INSTEAD OF SIT.
SO THAT'S THE STATUS OF OUR PRESIDENCY. [ LAUGHTER ]
STANDING IS A FEAT OF STRENGTH. I THINK WE COULD LEARN A LOT MORE WATCHING THEM BOTH TRY TO
GET OUT OF A BEANBAG CHAIR. [ LAUGHTER ] >>> MICHAEL COHEN, WHOSE COLOGNE
I CAN SMELL THROUGH THIS PICTURE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
-- TESTIFIED AGAINST DONALD TRUMP THIS WEEK. COHEN WAS PORTRAYED BY TRUMP'S
ATTORNEYS AS SOMEONE WHO HATED DONALD TRUMP AND WAS TRYING TO GET REVENGE.
BUT THE ONLY EVIDENCE OF THAT COMES FROM COHEN'S UPCOMING BOOK, "I HATE DONALD TRUMP AND
I'M TRYING TO GET REVENGE." [ LAUGHTER ] >>> REPRESENTATIVE MATT GAETZ
REFERENCED THE PROUD BOYS BY TWEETING A PICTURE OF HIMSELF OUTSIDE TRUMP'S COURTROOM WITH A
CAPTION "STANDING BACK AND STANDING BY." GAETZ USED THAT SAME CAPTION IN
A PICTURE OF HIMSELF OUTSIDE A QUINCEANERA. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> A HOUSE OVERSIGHT HEARING DEVOLVED INTO CHAOS AFTER MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AND
DEMOCRAT JASMINE CROCKETT TRADED INSULTS. >> I THINK YOUR FAKE EYELASHES
ARE MESSING UP WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO READ. >> SOMEBODY'S BLEACH BLOND BAD
BUILT BUTCH BODY. >> DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. >> JERRY!
JERRY! JERRY! [ LAUGHTER ]
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE WATCHING THE WAFFLE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED HE'S RAISING TARIFFS ON CHINESE ELECTRIC CARS TO 100%.
UNFORTUNATELY, CHINESE ELECTRIC CARS IS JUST WHAT BIDEN CALLS MARIO KART.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> A GROWING NUMBER OF BLACK MEN FEEL LIKE THE TRUMP AND
BIDEN CAMPAIGNS ARE NOT ACTUALLY TRYING TO FORGE TRUE RELATIONSHIPS AND JUST WANT
THEIR VOTES. YEAH. >>> DURING A NEW INTERVIEW --
[ LAUGHTER ] -- WITH ABC NEWS STEVE BANNON CALLED HIMSELF THE VOICE OF
MAGA. AND ALSO THE FACE OF GOUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>> PEOPLE IN PARIS WITH DISABILITIES ARE SAYING THAT THE CITY HAS NOT FULFILLED ITS
PROMISE TO MAKE IT UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTABLE -- ACCESSIBLE BEFORE THIS SUMMER'S OLYMPICS.
AND OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY'RE HAVING SOME SAFETY ISSUES WITH THE NEW EIFFEL TOWER WHEELCHAIR
RAMP. [ LAUGHTER ] >>> THE FAA REVEALED THAT DONALD
TRUMP'S BOEING 757 CLIPPED A PARKED PLANE WHEN IT LANDED IN FLORIDA.
BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS DONALD TRUMP FLIES AROUND IN A BOEING. SO.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THIS SUMMER TWO SEPARATE BROODS OF CICADAS WILL BE
ERUPTING FROM THE SOIL AT THE SAME TIME, MAKING THIS THE LARGEST GATHERING OF THE INSECTS
SINCE 1803. HERE TO COMMENT ARE TWO CICADAS. **
>> WHAT'S CRACKING, Y'ALL? SUMMER OF 2024! >> PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE
TONIGHT! >> WOW. YOU GUYS ARE IN A GOOD MOOD.
>> 'CAUSE IT IS FINALLY TIME TO PARTY. I'VE BEEN UNDERGROUND SINCE
2007. >> AND I'VE BEEN UNDERGROUND SINCE 2011.
HASHTAG WINNING. >> WELL, WE'RE HERE NOW. AND WE'VE GOT ONE WILD SUMMER TO
MINGLE, MATE AND CHIRP AS MUCH AS WE PLEASE. DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA!
LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGAR-COAT IT, MAN. I'M PROBABLY GOING TO DIE
TONIGHT. YEP. A LOT OF US GOING TO GET EATEN
BY BIRDS. PROBABLY MILLIONS. >> NO DOUBT.
OUR LIVES AS CICADAS ARE BRUTAL AND SHORT. SO WE'VE GOT TO HAVE FUN.
JUST GET OUT THERE AND HUMP AND SCREAM AND DIE. >> DA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT. THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT, GUYS. SO WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA? >> OH, WE'VE GOT BIG PLANS, MAN.
I'M HOPING TO FLY INTO A LITTLE KID'S SHIRT AND MAKE HIM GO HEY, HEY!
[ LAUGHTER ] I LOVE DOING THAT, MAN. IT'S LIKE MY FAVORITE THING.
EXCEPT MATING. >> MATING. YEAH.
YOU THINK YOU'LL BE ABLE TO FIND A MATE? >> WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE
TALKING TO, MAN? I JUST SHEDDED MY EXOSKELETON. LOOKING FOR --
>> AND WHO WOULDN'T WANT A PIECE OF THIS? I'M SUPER LOUD, I'VE GOT CRUNCHY
WINGS AND BOTH OF MY EYES ARE WAY OVER ON EACH SIDE OF MY HEAD.
IT'S CALLED SEX APPEAL, COLIN. READ ABOUT IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, BEST OF LUCK. I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WAITING A LONG TIME.
>> 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, MAN. I'M BOUTS TO GET MINE. [ LAUGHTER ]
COLIN, I'M LOOKING FOR MRS. RIGHT NOW. THAT REMINDS ME, I'VE GOT TO
TEXT SOME CICADA BITCHES. [ LAUGHTER ] >> OKAY.
HOLD ON. IS THAT A MOTOROLA SIDEKICK? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> MM-HMM. YEAH, IT IS, COLIN. MY MAN IS OLD SCHOOL.
SPEAKING OF OLD SCHOOL, BACK IN 2011 WE USED TO SAY GUCCI GUCCI LOUIS LOUIS FENDI FENDI PRADA.
>> BUT BASIC BITCHES WEAR THAT STUFF SO I DON'T EVEN BOTHER. [ APPLAUSE ]
>> YES, COLIN! YOU GOT IT! >> NOBODY SINGS THAT SONG
ANYMORE. SEEMS LIKE A LOT HAS CHANGED. >> WELL, I LIKE CHANGE.
AND I KNOW THAT THIS MIGHT GET ME IN TROUBLE. BUT I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT.
I THINK IT'S OKAY FOR GAY PEOPLE TO GET MARRIED. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH. CONTROVERSIAL. >> MM-HMM.
>> WELL, GUYS, THE WHOLE COUNTRY ACTUALLY LEGALIZED GAY MARRIAGE BACK IN 2015.
>> REALLY? CONGRATULATIONS. GOOD FOR YOU.
>> GOOD FOR YOU! [ APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S GOOD FOR EVERYBODY,
OKAY? [ LAUGHTER ] >> GOOD FOR YOU.
>> YEAH, THANKS VERY MUCH. SO DISTURBING. SO WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO
PARTY TONIGHT? >> WHERE WE ALWAYS PARTY, BABY. THE STUMP.
>> YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ] PARTY IN THE BIG OLD ROTTEN
STUMP. IT'S GOING TO BE LIT. >> THERE'S GOING TO BE THOUSANDS
OF THICK LITTLE CICADA BUTTS IN THERE, COLIN, JUST SHAKING ASS AND BEING LOUD AS HELL.
DA, DA, DA, DA! LET ME TELL YOU, SOME CICADA LADIES ARE GOING TO HAVE MY
CICADA BABIES. >> THIS SUMMER IS GOING TO BE GLORIOUS.
A TIME TO EXPLORE. TO LAUGH. TO LOVE.
TO ENJOY EACH AND EVERY MOMENT BEFORE WE HIT A CAR WINDSHIELD SO HARD OUR ASS GOES THROUGH OUR
BRAIN. >> TWO CICADAS, EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THE WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB DOG SHOW HAS SELECTED A
MINIATURE POODLE NAMED SAGE AS THE WINNER OF THE TITLE BEST IN SHOW.
WHILE THE LOSER IS ONCE AGAIN EVERY HUMAN PARTICIPATING IN THIS EVENT.
>>> TOM BRADY REVEALED THAT HE HAS REGRETS ABOUT LAST WEEK'S NETFLIX ROAST, SAYING HE DIDN'T
LIKE THE WAY IT AFFECTED HIS KIDS. BUT THAT ISN'T STOPPING HIM FROM
PERFORMING IN TOMORROW NIGHT'S NETFLIX ROAST OF TOM BRADY'S KIDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> KING CHARLES'S OFFICIAL PORTRAIT IS BEING CRITICIZED FOR
DEPICTING HIM ON A HARSH RED BACKGROUND. BUT IN THE ROYAL FAMILY THAT'S
BETTER THAN HAVING A BLACK BACKGROUND. [ LAUGHTER ]
I THOUGHT THEY'D LIKE THAT, COLIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BETTER YOU THAN ME. >>> A HIGH-END FASHION BRAND IS SELLING A PAIR OF JEANS FOR $800
WHICH APPEAR TO HAVE A PEE STAIN ON THE FRONT. JEANS WITH A PEE STAIN ON THE
FRONT? PLEASE. I CAN MAKE THOSE IN MY SLEEP.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> McDONALD'S IS RELEASING A NEW GRANDMA McFLURRY WHICH THEY
SAY TASTES LIKE GRANDMA'S FAVORITE TREATS THAT SHE HID IN HER PURSE.
IT'S A COMBINATION OF BUTTERSCOTCH, CRUNCHY CANDY PIECES AND A BIG BLACK VIBRATOR.
[ LAUGHTER ] NO. I WON'T DO IT ON AIR, THEN.
>>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT A YACHT IN THE STRAIT OF GIBRALTAR WAS SUNK AFTER A GROUP OF ORCAS
ATTACKED IT. NICE TRY, ORCAS, BUT WE'RE NEVER RELEASING THE PRISONERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> A GROWING NUMBER OF HIGH-END LUXURY APARTMENT BUILDINGS
AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE OFFERING NEW AMENITIES INCLUDING IV DRIPS TO HELP RECOVER FROM HANGOVERS.
AND IF THAT SOUNDS APPEALING, LEARN MORE AT ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> AN UPCOMING TV SPECIAL STARRING ACTOR JAMES VAN DER
BEEK WILL ATTEMPT TO RAISE AWARENESS ABOUT PROSTATE CANCER TESTING.
IT'S CALLED "DAWSON'S CRACK." [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S JUST GOOD INFORMATION. >>> WELL, TONIGHT IS OUR SEASON
FINALE. >> YEAH. >> AND WE HAVE A TRADITION WHERE
CHE AND I GIVE EACH OTHER JOKES TO REACH. >> YEAH, WE'RE MAKING EACH OTHER
READ JOKES LIVE ON AIR THAT THE OTHER PERSON HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LET'S NOT APPLAUD YET.
THE IDEA IS OF COURSE TO GIVE EACH OTHER FUN JOKES. ALMOST SUPPORTIVE JOKES THAT
WOULD NEVER RUIN OUR SUMMER OR OUR CAREER. >> YEAH.
BEFORE WE START, LAST TIME WE DID THIS I HIRED AN ACTRESS TO PRETEND TO BE A CIVIL RIGHTS
HERO. AND THAT WAS LOW. SO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU THIS
TIME I INVITED AN ACTUAL PRACTICING RABBI. PLEASE WELCOME RABBI JILL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GO AHEAD, COLIN. WHY DON'T YOU TELL THE FIRST
JOKE? >> I'M JUST AS EXCITED AS ALL OF YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ] PRO-PALESTINIAN PROTESTERS WALKED OUT OF JERRY SEINFELD'S
COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS AT DUKE UNIVERSITY. AND I THINK THAT'S DISGRACEFUL.
DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES IT'S IMPORTANT TO SUPPORT OUR JEWISH FRIENDS.
THAT'S WHY THE ONLY CHANT YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME IS "FREE WEINSTEIN."
[ LAUGHTER ] KEEP FIGHTING, HARVEY. AM I RIGHT, BUBBELE?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> I THOUGHT YOU DID THAT GOOD. I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.
POPE FRANCIS SAID THIS WEEK THAT SEXUAL PLEASURE IS A GIFT FROM GOD.
UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS IN RESPONSE TO THE QUESTION SHOULD THE CHURCH STILL HAVE ALTAR
BOYS? [ LAUGHTER ] >>> SPEAKING OF KIDS, NEW DATA
SHOWS THAT MIDDLE SCHOOL STUDENTS HAVE ONLY MADE UP A THIRD OF THE MATH SKILLS THEY
LOST DURING THE PANDEMIC. THEIR MATH WAS SO BAD THEY DIDN'T GET IT WHEN I TEXTED THEM
YOU PLUS ME EQUALS 69. [ LAUGHTER ] COLIN.
>> WOW. OKAY. >> HEY, YOU PUT IT IN TEXT.
CHAT -- OH, GOD. CHATGPT HAS RELEASED A NEW VOICE ASSISTANT FEATURE INSPIRED BY
SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S AI CHARACTER IN "HER." WHICH I'VE NEVER BOTHERED TO
WATCH. BECAUSE WITHOUT THAT BODY WHAT'S THE POINT OF LISTENING?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YOU GOT A LITTLE MORE THERE. >> SO RABBI JILL, IF YOU'RE
HERE, WHO'S CONTROLLING THE WEATHER? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T EVEN GET THAT JOKE, COLIN. MULTIPLE WOMEN HAVE POSTED
VIDEOS ON TIKTOK CLAIMING THAT WHILE WALKING THE STREETS OF NEW YORK THEY WERE RANDOMLY PUNCHED
BY MEN. WELL, THEN DAMN, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, BITCH.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND SPEAKING OF BITCHES, I WANT TO CALL UP THE BIGGEST BITCH OF
ALL, KENDRICK LAMAR. [ LAUGHTER ] OR SHOULD I SAY LITTLEST.
YOUR WAR WITH DRAKE MAY BE OVER, BUT YOUR WAR WITH MICHAEL CHE IS JUST BEGINNING.
[ LAUGHTER ] SO TO QUOTE HAMILTON, SHOOT YOUR SHOT, PLAYER.
THAT WAS PRETTY WELL DONE, MAN. OKAY. I DON'T LIKE THAT ONE BIT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> WELL, THIS NEXT JOKE MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO OFFENSIVE FOR ME TO
SAY. SO RABBI JILL, WILL YOU BE A MENSCH AND HELP ME OUT?
>> HOW? >> WOULD YOU HAND ME THAT PUPPET?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> COLIN, DON'T USE THE PUPPET. >> OH, MY GOD.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT COMCAST, THE OWNERS OF NBC, TOLD MSNBC TO CURB THEIR CRITICISM OF ISRAEL.
AND IF THEY DON'T, WE'LL HIT THEM WITH OUR SPACE LASERS. >> OH, NO.
>> RABBI. RABBI? FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" -- FOR
"GOODNIGHT”
>>> YOU ARE NEXT IN THE QUEUE TO SPEAK TO A SOUTHWEST AIRLINES
REPRESENTATIVE. >> FINALLY. >> PLEASE STATE YOUR NAME.
>> REGINALD KEAN. >> THANK YOU. CONNECTING YOU NOW.
>> HI. THIS IS ZACHARY WITH SOUTHWEST. AM I SPEAKING WITH VAGINALD
CREAM? [ LAUGHTER ] >> IT'S REGINALD KEAN.
>> OF COURSE, MR. CREAM. AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO APOLOGIZE FOR LOSING YOUR
LUGGAGE. >> OH, NO, NO, I HAVE MY LUGGAGE.
I JUST NEED TO CHANGE MY FLIGHT. I'M SUPPOSED TO FLY DENVER TO NEW YORK TONIGHT BUT I NEED TO
MOVE IT TO TOMORROW. >> OKAY. SO UNFORTUNATELY TOMORROW WE ARE
VERY FULL. BUT I CAN GET YOU ON STANDBY FOR THE 8:15.
>> STANDBY MEANS I'M NOT GUARANTEED TO GET ON THE FLIGHT, THOUGH, RIGHT?
>> NO, YOU'LL BE ON THE FLIGHT. YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO STAND BY THE BATHROOM THE WHOLE TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ] SHALL I BOOK THAT FOR YOU? >> NO.
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. I'LL JUST TRY ANOTHER AIRLINE AND I'LL JUST CANCEL AND GET A
REFUND. >> ALL RIGHTY. NO.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DID YOU JUST SAY NO? >> YES.
WE ARE TRAINED TO SAY NO AND SEE IF PEOPLE JUST ACCEPT IT. BUT I SEE THAT YOU WON'T.
SO I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO SOMEONE WHO CAN ASSIST. PLEASE HOLD.
>> SOUTHWEST DOESN'T ASSIGN SEATS. JUST ANOTHER WAY WE'RE MAKING
FLYING FEEL LIKE RIDING A CITY BUS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> HELLO. THIS IS MANDY WITH SOUTHWEST'S LOST LUGGAGE DEPARTMENT.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR MISSING BAG, SIR? >> OH, NO, I DIDN'T LOSE MY BAG.
I'M JUST TRYING TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT AND GET A REFUND. >> OF COURSE.
LET ME TRANSFER YOU TO CANCELLATIONS. AND IN CASE WE GET DISCONNECTED
WRITE DOWN THIS REFERENCE NUMBER -- >> [ SPEAKING RAPIDLY ].
>> DID YOU GET THAT? >> NO. >> GREAT.
PLEASE HOLD. >> WANT MORE LEG ROOM AND PREMIUM DRINK SERVICES?
FLY A DIFFERENT AIRLINE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> THIS IS DONNA.
AM I SPEAKING WITH VAGINALD? >> MY NAME IS REGINALD. LOOK, I JUST WANT A REFUND.
OKAY? MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME. >> MAYBE I CAN HELP YOU?
WHY ONLY MAYBE? BECAUSE I'M BLACK? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, NO. >> LET ME FIND YOUR RACIST ASS A WHITE PERSON TO TALK TO.
HOLD, PLEASE. >> WE VALUE YOUR FEEDBACK. TO PARTICIPATE IN A BRIEF
200-QUESTION SURVEY AFTER THIS CALL SAY I DO NOT WISH TO PARTICIPATE.
>> I DO NOT WISH TO PARTICIPATE -- WAIT, WAIT. NO, NO.
>> THIS IS CHRISTIE WITH SOUTHWEST. I SEE ON YOUR FILE THAT YOU
PREFER TO DEAL WITH CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS THAT ARE WHITE. AND I GET IT, BROTHER, BECAUSE
WE OUGHT TO STICK TOGETHER. [ LAUGHTER ] >> NO, NO, NO, NO.
PUT ME ON WITH SOMEBODY ELSE. >> HELLO, THIS IS D'ARTAGNAN. I CAN GET YOU THAT REFUND, SIR.
THE QUESTION IS WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO FOR ME? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, SOMEONE ELSE. >> HI. THIS IS KELLY.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY? >> NOT GREAT. HOW ARE YOU?
>> HONESTLY? STILL PRETTY DRUNK. >> ABSOLOOSELY.
>> YEAH, MAN, ME LOOKING FOR YOUR LOST BAG. BUT I TINK WE FOUND IT.
IN A BLUE SAMSONITE ROLLIE BAG, YEAH? >> I DIDN'T LOSE MY BAG.
>> I'M SORRY. ME CAN'T HEAR YOU. BUT ME GET YOUR BAG BACK TO YOU.
PLEASE HOLD. >> HELLO. THIS IS MASON.
>> MASON. DUDE. JUST LISTEN TO ME.
I JUST WANT TO CANCEL MY FLIGHT BUT I KEEP GETTING BOUNCED AROUND TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
>> I HATE THAT. IT'S LIKE PUT ME ON WITH SOMEBODY WHO CAN ACTUALLY DO
SOMETHING. >> YES. MY GOD, YES.
YOU GET IT. >> TOTALLY. ALL RIGHT.
LET ME TRY AND FIND SOMEONE LIKE THAT FOR YOU. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU ARE BEING TRANSFERRED TO A SOUTHWEST REFUND SPECIALIST. >> THANK YOU!
>> IN TRAINING. >> NO! >> HEY.
>> HELLO? >> YOU GET HIGH? >> DARIUS, NO!
SORRY ABOUT THAT, SIR. PLEASE HOLD. >> DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET
WI-FI ON YOUR FLIGHT? WE DIDN'T. IF YOU KNOW HOW THAT WORKS,
CONTACT US. [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO, TERMINAL C HUDSON
NEWS. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN PURCHASING A WARM DASANI FOR $16.99?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> NO. WHY DID THEY TRANSFER ME TO
HUDSON NEWS? >> OH, WHO, SOUTHWEST? HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
I THINK I CAN GET THEM BACK. PLEASE HOLD. >> MR. CREAM.
I HOPE ONE OF OUR WHITE EMPLOYEES WAS ABLE TO HELP YOU WITH THAT REFUND.
>> I DON'T PREFER WHITES. AND NOBODY HAS HELPED ME. TO QUOTE DMX, Y'ALL GONNA MAKE
ME LOSE MY MIND UP IN HERE. SO CONNECT ME TO THE HIGHEST-RANKING SOUTHWEST
EMPLOYEE POSSIBLE RIGHT NOW! >> VERY WELL. PLEASE HOLD.
>> GREETINGS. [ LAUGHTER ] >> WHO AM I SPEAKING TO?
>> I AM BOTH SOUTH AND WEST. [ LAUGHTER ] NORTH AND EAST.
I'M ALL DIRECTIONS, ALL DESTINATIONS. AS LONG AS THEY ARE IN THE
UNITED STATES OR MEXICO. [ LAUGHTER ] >> GREAT.
CAN YOU CANCEL MY FLIGHT AND JUST GIVE ME A REFUND? >> NO.
>> DON'T DO THE NO THING WITH ME. REFUND.
NOW. >> SO BE IT. YOUR REFUND HAS BEEN ISSUED.
MINUS A $75 CANCELLATION FEE AND $200 REBOOKING CHARGE. THANK YOU FOR FLYING SOUTHWEST,
VAGINALD. >> IT'S REGINALD! >> THEN WHY THE BAG SAY JEFFREY
SMITH? [ APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, SABRINA CARPENTER.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO
DO-DO-DO DO-DO * * DO-DO-DO
DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO * * OH I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER
LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU OFF MY MIND *
* OH IT'S LIKE THAT I'M YOUR DREAM COME TRUE
WHEN IT'S ON A PLATTER FOR YOU * * AND THEN YOU PULL BACK
WHEN I TRY TO MAKE PLANS MORE THAN TWO HOURS IN ADVANCE *
* I SLAM THE DOOR I HIT IGNORE I'M SAYING NO NO NO
NO MORE * * I GOT YOU BLOCKED AFTER THIS AN AFTERTHOUGHT
I FINALLY CUT YOU OFF * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU
OFF MY MIND AHH * * FLOATIN' THROUGH
THE MEMORIES LIKE WHATEVER YOU'RE A WASTE OF TIME AHH *
* YOUR SIGNALS ARE MIXED YOU ACT LIKE A BITCH YOU FIT EVERY STEREOTYPE
SEND A PIC * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER
WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE * * DO-DO-DO
DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO DO-DO *
* LIKE A FEATHER, LIKE A FEATHER, LIKE A FEATHER * * IT FEELS SO GOOD
NOT CARIN' WHERE YOU ARE TONIGHT * * AND IT FEELS SO GOOD
NOT PRETENDING TO LIKE THE WINE YOU LIKE * * WELL I SLAM THE DOOR
I HIT IGNORE I'M SAYING NO NO NO NO MORE *
* I GOT YOU BLOCKED EXCITED TO NEVER TALK I -- I'M ON SNL AND YOU'RE NOT *
* I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU OFF MY MIND
AHH * * FLOATIN' THROUGH THE MEMORIES
LIKE WHATEVER YOU'RE A WASTE OF TIME * * AHH
YOUR SIGNALS ARE MIXED YOU ACT LIKE A BITCH YOU FIT EVERY STEREOTYPE *
* SEND A PIC I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU
OUT MY LIFE * * WITH YOU OUT MY LIFE DO-DO-DO
DO-DO-DO * * DO-DO-DO
YOU WANT ME I'M DONE * * YOU MISS ME
NO DUH WHERE I'M AT I'M UP WHERE I'M AT *
* YOU WANT ME I'M DONE YOU MISS ME
NO DUH * * WHERE I'M AT I'M UP I'M UP
WHERE I'M AT * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU
OFF MY MIND * * I FEEL SO MUCH LIGHTER LIKE A FEATHER WITH YOU
OUT MY MIND * ** * WELL I'LL BE HONEST
LOOKIN' AT YOU GOT ME THINKIN' NONSENSE * * CARTWHEELS IN MY STOMACH
WHEN YOU WALK IN * * WHEN YOU GOT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME
OH IT FEELS SO GOOD * I THINK I GOT AN EX BUT I FORGOT HIM
AND I CAN'T FIND MY CHILL I MUST'VE LOST IT * * I DON'T EVEN KNOW
I'M TALKIN' NONSENSE I'M TALKIN' I'M TALKIN' *
* I'M TALKIN' THIS SONG CATCHIER THAN CHICKENPOX IS *
* I BET YOUR HOUSE IS WHERE MY OTHER SOCK IS * * WOKE UP THIS MORNING
THOUGHT I'D WRITE A POP HIT * * HOW QUICKLY CAN YOU
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF POP QUIZ * * HE IS 30 ROCK HARD
CUZ I SAID HI MY SENSE OF HUMOR IS BUT I AM NOT DRY *
* SNL I JUST CAME FOR THE FIRST TIME * **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: AND NOW A MESSAGE FROM THE NEW YORK POLICE
DEPARTMENT. >>> WELCOME, EVERYONE. I'M SERGEANT JEFF McDOUGAL.
I WANT TO START OUT BY SAYING NEW YORK CITY HAS A LOT TO BE PROUD OF.
THE KNICKS ARE GOOD. THE RANGERS ARE GOOD. THE METS ARE TRYING THEIR BEST.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT SUMMER IS COMING UP AND WE ARE SEEING AN INCREASE IN RANDOM
ACTS OF VIOLENCE ACROSS THE STREETS. SO JUST THIS WEEK NATIONAL
TREASURE STEVE BUSCEMI WAS PUNCHED WHILE WALKING THROUGH KIPS BAY.
THESE TYPES OF ATTACKS CANNOT AND WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. SO TO EVERYONE WATCHING I HAVE
ONE IMPORTANT MESSAGE. STOP PUNCHING CHARACTER ACTORS IN THE FACE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT SERGEANT, WASN'T THAT JUST ONE ISOLATED INCIDENT?
>> UNFORTUNATELY, THIS FOLLOWS SIMILAR ASSAULTS ON RICK MORANIS AND THE SHOCKINGLY VERSATILE
MICHAEL STUHLBERG. >> OH, THAT GUY! >> I WANT TO SAY HIS NAME IS TOM
SOMETHING. >> IT'S MICHAEL STUHLBERG. [ LAUGHTER ]
THE POINT IS CHARACTER ACTORS ARE BEING TARGETED. >> AND HOW WOULD YOU DEFINE
CHARACTER ACTOR? >> SIMPLY PUT, IT'S ACTORS WHOSE FACES YOU CAN REMEMBER BUT NAMES
YOU CANNOT. [ LAUGHTER ] SO WHEN YOU'RE WALKING IN NEW
YORK, YOU MAY BE AT RISK IF -- YOU'VE EVER BEEN ON THE TV SHOW "BOARDWALK EMPIRE."
YOU HAVE A FACE THAT MAKES CASTING DIRECTORS GO "OH, INTERESTING."
[ LAUGHTER ] YOUR IMDB PAGE HAS OVER 100 ENTRIES BUT ALL YOUR CHARACTERS
JUST HAVE A FIRST NAME. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU'VE EVER DONE A THREE-EPISODE
ARC ON A TV SHOW WHOSE TITLE IS JUST LETTERS. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> SERGEANT, WHAT IS THE NYPD DOING TO PREVENT FUTURE ATTACKS? >> WELL, WE'RE OFFERING
PROTECTION TO CHARACTER ACTORS WE KNOW ARE AT RISK. WE'VE ASSIGNED A SECURITY DETAIL
TO STEPHEN ROOT. WE'RE ASKING THAT YOU AVOID MASS TRANSIT IF YOU EVER PLAYED A
GIRLFRIEND ON "SEINFELD." [ LAUGHTER ] OR A BOYFRIEND ON "SEX AND THE
CITY." [ LAUGHTER ] AND WE'VE ASKED PAUL GIAMATTI TO
SHELTER IN PLACE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> QUESTION.
DO WE REALLY CONSIDER PAUL GIAMATTI TO BE JUST A CHARACTER ACTOR IN THIS STAGE OF HIS
CAREER? >> COME ON, HE'S NO BRAD PITT. >> I'M NOT SAYING HE'S BRAD
PITT. I'M SAYING "SIDEWAYS," "THE HOLDOVERS."
OBVIOUSLY, HE'S NOT BRAD PITT. >> ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. [ LAUGHTER ]
EVERYONE RELAX. I KNOW THIS IS A LOT TO TAKE IN. WHICH IS WHY I'M PROUD TO
ANNOUNCE THE NYPD IS STARTING A NEW TASK FORCE CALLED THE ORGANIZATION TO HINDER HARMFUL
INCIDENTS IN MANHATTAN. ALSO KNOWN AS OH HIM. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, HERE ARE SOME OTHER CHARACTER ACTORS WHO SHOULD BE ON HIGH ALERT.
THIS GUY WHO'S USUALLY LIKE THE VILLAIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS LADY. SHE'S FUNNY. THIS GUY.
HE'S IN EVERYTHING. AND OF COURSE STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY.
>> OH, THAT GUY. >> I WANT TO SAY HIS NAME IS TIM SOMETHING?
>> IT'S STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKY. I JUST SAID IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LITERALLY RIGHT THERE. OH, I SEE THERE'S ANOTHER QUESTION.
>> YEAH. HI. HI.
WOULD AN ACTOR LIKE, SAY, JON HAMM HAVE TO BE WORRIED? >> NO.
I THINK YOU'RE FINE. >> GOOD. I CAN'T GET PUNCHED.
WITHOUT THIS BEAUTIFUL FACE I'M JUST A TALL GUY WITH A PERFECT BODY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> COME ON NOW. YOU'RE NOT BRAD PITT.
>> I'M NOT SAYING I'M BRAD PITT. >> OKAY, THAT ABOUT WRAPS UP THIS PRESS CONFERENCE.
WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION. >> YES.
WHY DOES THE NYPD CARE SO MUCH ABOUT CHARACTER ACTORS? >> WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE THE LIFEBLOOD OF THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY. WITHOUT CHARACTER ACTORS WHO
WOULD BE THE ONE PERSON IN THE CROWD WHO STANDS UP AND SHOUTS "GET HIM, SPIDER-MAN"!
[ LAUGHTER ] WORE WHO WOULD PLAY THE TSA OFFICER IN A ROM-COM WHO SAYS
"SHUT UP AND KISS HER ALREADY." [ LAUGHTER ] THESE PEOPLE DIDN'T BECOME
ACTORS BY BEING BEAUTIFUL. THEY BECAME ACTORS BY BEING GOOD AT ACTING.
SO PLEASE, NEXT TIME YOU SEE A CHARACTER ACTOR ON THE STREET DON'T PUNCH HIM.
GOOGLE HIM. [ LAUGHTER ] TO FIGURE OUT THE THING THAT HE
WAS IN. AND THANK THEM. **
>>> BARKEEP!
ONE WHISKEY. >> DON'T THINK I'VE SEEN YOU AROUND BEFORE.
WHAT BRINGS YOU THROUGH? >> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. POUR THE DRINK AND MOVE ALONG.
>> HEY. I DON'T WANT ANY TROUBLE. >> MM.
NOW, I WOULDN'T MIND SHOOTING THE BREEZE WITH YOU, LITTLE MISS BROWN EYES.
>> QUIT LOOKING AT MY EYES AND READ MY LIPS. NOT INTERESTED.
>> OH, COME ON. AT LEAST LET ME PICK UP YOUR TAB.
PRETTY LITTLE THING LIKE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO PAY. [ GASPS ]
>> OH, FELLA, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU YOU'LL GET UP OUT OF HERE.
YOU JUST MADE A PASS AT LEXI. THAT'S SNAKE EYES' GIRL. >> OH, YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
HERE HE COMES NOW. OH, NO. SNAKE EYES GONNA KILL YOU.
>> NOW, SNAKE EYES, COME ON. HE DIDN'T KNOW. >> HUSH UP.
[ LAUGHTER ] LISTEN TO ME. IF YOU'RE THINKING OF BEING
SWEET ON MY GIRL, I GOT JUST ONE THING TO SAY. YOU BETTER NOT.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BABY, HE AIN'T DO NOTHING. >> ZIP IT.
NOW, FRIEND, I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU TILL THE COUNT OF TEN. >> COUNT OF TEN TO WHAT?
>> TO QUIT BEING A BUTT. OR ELSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY TWO FRIENDS,
COOL IT AND KNOCK IT OFF. >> THEN GO AHEAD AND START COUNTING.
>> HAVE IT YOUR WAY. HEY. LOOK AT ME.
ONE, TWO. I AM NOT KIDDING AROUND HERE. THREE.
OOH, I'M MAD. >> FELLA, YOU BETTER GET. THE LAST GUY WHO LET SNAKE EYES
GET TO 10 IS SETTING RIGHT OVER THERE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MAN. WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? >> LET'S JUST SAY HE POKED THE
BEAR AND GOT THE PAW. SOMETHING SEEMS LIKE YOU MIGHT BE LEARNING AROUND RIGHT HERE
RIGHT NOW COMING UP RIGHT HERE. LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I'M FIXING TO DO TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT? FIRST I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH ONE OF THESE.
[ GASPS ] >> YOU BETTER WATCH IT, PAL. SNAKE EYES' LOOKS CAN KILL.
>> I AIN'T WORRIED. I'VE BEEN KNOWN TO SHOOT A FEW LOOKS MYSELF.
>> ALL RIGHT, BUSTER. I WARNED YOU. HERE IT COMES.
>> ALMOST GOT ME WITH THAT. BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?
>> OH! >> SNAKE EYES! NO.
HANG IN THERE, BUD. >> OH, MY STARS. LOOKS LIKE OLD SNAKE EYES JUST
RAN OUT OF LUCK. >> GOOD FIGHT, SNAKE EYES. I'M SORRY IT HAS TO END LIKE
THIS. YOU HAVE MY RESPECT. >> YOU CAN'T DIE, SNAKE EYES.
I'M PREGNANT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A SON. >> YOU MEAN IT?
WELL, SHOOT. MISTER, I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUT YOU GO AND MARRY LEXI.
AND YOU RAISE THAT BOY. YOU TEACH HIM RIGHT FROM WRONG. AND HOW TO FIGHT.
AND WHEN TO JUST KNOCK IT OFF. >> I WILL, SNAKE EYES. I WILL.
>>> THANK YOU TO THE INCREDIBLE SABRINA CARPENTER, THE
INCOMPARABLE JON HAMM, LORNE MICHAELS, THE ENTIRE CAST AND CREW OF "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!