1 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:35,301 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THIS IS IT, THE TOMB WHERE 2 00:00:35,301 --> 00:00:39,873 HIS BODY IS LAID. >> MOTHER MARY, DRY YOUR TEARS. MARY AND I ARE HERE TO SUPPORT 3 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,777 YOU. >> MARY IS RIGHT. ALSO, WHEN WE'RE DONE GRIEVING, 4 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:50,550 MAYBE WE SHOULD COME UP WITH A GIRL'S NAME OTHER THAN MARY. >> WHAT IS THAT NOISE THAT COMES 5 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,953 FROM WITHIN? >> LOOK, THE STONE, IT ROLLS AWAY. 6 00:00:53,953 --> 00:01:05,832 >> IS IT JESUS? >> BASICALLY, YES. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 7 00:01:05,832 --> 00:01:12,105 HAPPY EASTER, EVERYBODY. AS IT WAS STATED IN THE BIBLE, GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN, 8 00:01:12,105 --> 00:01:15,141 SHADY'S BACK. ALL RIGHT, GIRLS. YOU CAN GO. 9 00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:20,513 NO MORE LINES. YOU DID GREAT. BYE BYE. 10 00:01:20,513 --> 00:01:25,352 GET OUT OF HERE. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S EASTER, THE TIME OF YEAR 11 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:30,156 WHEN I COMPARE MYSELF TO JESUS CHRIST. THAT'S JUST A THING I DO NOW, 12 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:33,693 AND PEOPLE SEEM TO BE OKAY WITH IT. I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING IT. 13 00:01:33,693 --> 00:01:38,732 IF YOU THINK THIS IS A BAD LOOK, IMAGINE HOW WEIRD IT WOULD BE IF I STARTED SELLING BIBLES. 14 00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:47,640 WELL, I'M SELLING BIBLES. LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BIBLE MADE FROM 100% BIBLE. 15 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:52,112 SOUNDS LIKE A JOKE, AND IN MANY WAYS IT IS, BUT IT'S ALSO VERY REAL. 16 00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:57,951 AS YOU KNOW, I LOVE BIBLE. IT'S MY FAVORITE BOOK. I'VE DEFINITELY READ IT. 17 00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:05,225 MY FAVORITE PART IS PROBABLY THE ENDING, HOW IT ALL WRAPS UP. BUT THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL 18 00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:09,596 BIBLE. AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE HIGH, HIGH PRICE OF $60. 19 00:02:09,596 --> 00:02:16,069 BUT I'M NOT DOING THIS FOR THE MONEY. I'M DOING THIS FOR THE GLORY OF 20 00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:22,108 GOD AND FOR PANDERING AND MOSTLY FOR MONEY. BUT IT'S SO SAD. 21 00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:28,882 RELIGION AND CHRISTIANITY ARE TOTALLY GONE FROM THIS COUNTRY, AND WE NEED THEM BACK. 22 00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,584 WITHOUT RELIGION, YOU DON'T HAVE LAWS, YOU DON'T HAVE MISSION TRIPS. 23 00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:38,658 I'M TOLD MISSION TRIPS ARE A LOT OF FUN. YOU GO TO MEXICO, BUILD A HOUSE, 24 00:02:38,658 --> 00:02:43,430 MAYBE MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE ON THE LAST NIGHT. THEN IT'S BACK TO CLEAR WATER, 25 00:02:43,430 --> 00:02:48,868 FLORIDA LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. BUT YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE MY NEW AND EVEN BETTER BIBLE. 26 00:02:48,868 --> 00:02:54,908 IT COMES WITH EVERYTHING YOU LIKE FROM BIBLE, LIKE THE STORY OF EASTER, WHICH PRIMARILY 27 00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:59,679 CONCERNS JESUS, NOT SO MUCH THE BUNNY. THE BUNNY NEVER SHOWED UP. 28 00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:04,517 THAT'S OKAY. NOW, MY BIBLE ALSO INCLUDES SOME BEAUTIFUL ILLUSTRATIONS LIKE 29 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:11,091 MOSES FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER IN THE BASKET, AND UH-OH, LOOK OUT, HERE'S TRUMP IN THE BASKET. 30 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:17,330 RIGHT BEHIND MOSES ABOUT TO PASS ON THE LEFT. AND HERE I AM IN THE GARDEN OF 31 00:03:17,330 --> 00:03:23,670 EDEN WITH MY ACTUAL BODY. YOU KNOW, I THINK I WOULD BE VERY GOOD AT SAYING NO TO THE 32 00:03:23,670 --> 00:03:31,444 SNAKE FROM THE STANDPOINT OF NOT LIKING FRUIT. AND HERE'S NOAH'S ARK, ALL THE 33 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:35,882 ANIMALS ARE ON THE ARK OF COURSE. THERE'S ME YELLING AT NOAH, HEY, 34 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:41,988 BUDDY, YOU FORGOT THE RACCOON. BUT WE LOVE RELIGION, AND WE LOVE GOD. 35 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:46,292 HE'S PROBABLY THE BEST PART OF THE HOLY TRINITY. HE'S LIKE THE BEYONCE. 36 00:03:46,292 --> 00:03:55,502 COWBOY CARTER. GOD'S THE BEYONCE, JESUS IS THE KELLY ROWLAND, AND HOLY GHOST 37 00:03:55,502 --> 00:04:00,640 WOULD PROBABLY BE THE BLACK MICHELLE WILLIAMS WHO'S VERY IMPORTANT TO A GREAT NUMBER OF 38 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,209 PEOPLE. ALMOST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WHITE MICHELLE WILLIAMS IS TO WHITE 39 00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:09,449 PEOPLE. AND WE BELIEVE THERE WAS A FOURTH DESTINY CHILD, BUT WE'LL 40 00:04:09,449 --> 00:04:13,620 BE LOOKING INTO THAT VERY STRONGLY. VERY SHORTLY. 41 00:04:13,620 --> 00:04:19,459 BILLS, BILLS, BILLS, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I LIKE THAT ONE. 42 00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:22,062 I WOULD LOVE SOMEONE TO PAY MINE. ANY TAKERS? 43 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:26,866 NO. WELL, BACK TO MY BEAUTIFUL BIBLE, WHICH ALSO INCLUDES 44 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:33,373 CONSTITUTION AND PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE, AND -- I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE MIRANDA RIGHTS, WHICH 45 00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:39,679 MEANS UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO MAKE SOME CUTS. THIS BIBLE WILL NOT FEATURE AMOS 46 00:04:39,679 --> 00:04:45,251 OR HABAKKUK. SORRY, HABAKKUK, BUT NOW I THINK IT REALLY COOKS. 47 00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:48,555 IT'S TIGHT. AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, WE'LL ALSO THROW IN A FREE TRUMP MIRACLE 48 00:04:48,555 --> 00:04:55,295 TOASTER. YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES WEIRDOS SEE A PICTURE OF JESUS OR 49 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:59,866 SOMETHING IN THEIR TOAST? WELL, HOW ABOUT THE MIRACLE OF TRUMP? 50 00:04:59,866 --> 00:05:05,438 AND THIS IS GREAT. THE OTHER SIDE DOES HELLO KITTY IF YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER OR 51 00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:12,145 PERHAPS A SON WHO'S TAKING DANCE CLASSES. ANYWAY, IT'S EASTER EVE, SO LET 52 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:18,418 US BOW OUR HEADS -- I'M NOT GOING TO -- AND SAY THE LORD'S PRAYER, WHICH WE ALL KNOW VERY 53 00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:27,060 WELL, ME ESPECIALLY. OUR FATHER WHO ARE IN HEAVEN, HALLOWED BEEP BEEP, BING BING, 54 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:36,302 BING BING BONG, BING BONG, BING BING BING, TRESPASS, DAILY BREAD, AND PLEASE LEAD US INTO 55 00:05:36,302 --> 00:05:42,108 TEMPTATION, AND PAY OUR AUTOMOBILES. IN THE NAME OF FATHER, THE SON, 56 00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:48,915 AND THE EASTER BUNNY, AMEN, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 57 00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:59,559 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 58 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:37,691 FEATURING -- 59 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:40,827 FEATURING -- A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. 60 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:47,901 MUSICAL GUEST -- TRAVIS SCOTT. 61 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:52,105 MUSICAL GUEST -- TRAVIS SCOTT. AND YOUR HOST -- RAMY YOUSSEF. 62 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:30,510 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY SPIRITUAL WEEKEND. 63 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:36,816 WE'RE IN THE HOLY MONTH OF RAMADAN. TOMORROW IS EASTER. 64 00:08:36,816 --> 00:08:44,491 AND YESTERDAY, BEYONCE RELEASED A NEW ALBUM. THERE'S JUST SO MANY RELIGIONS 65 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:50,730 CELEBRATING ALL AT ONCE. I'M DOING THE RAMADAN ONE. I LOVE RAMADAN BECAUSE I LOVE 66 00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:54,300 HANGING OUT WITH MUSLIMS. WE'RE SO LOVING. AND I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE DON'T 67 00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:58,538 KNOW THAT ABOUT US. THEY KNOW ALL THESE OTHER THINGS, BUT MAN, WE LOVE TO 68 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:02,676 LOVE. WE'RE SO FREE WITH IT. MY FRIENDS THAT I GREW UP WITH, 69 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:06,012 THEY WERE REALLY WEIRD ABOUT LOVE. I HAVE A BUDDY OF MINE WHO WAS 70 00:09:06,012 --> 00:09:10,417 LIKE, MAN, I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH THIS GIRL, DUDE, AND I TOLD HER I LOVED HER. 71 00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:19,092 IT'S ONLY BEEN NINE MONTHS. I WAS LIKE, DUDE, I JUST SAID THAT TO MY UBER DRIVER. 72 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:24,564 I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER. I WAS LIKE, BRO, LET'S GET OFF THE APP. 73 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:29,369 I WANT TO GET TO KNOW YOU. YOU MEAN SOMETHING TO ME. NINE MONTHS? 74 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:33,239 YOU SHOULD HAVE A KID. IT'S TOO MUCH. AND PEOPLE DON'T GET US, AND 75 00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:38,545 THERE'S ALL THIS DIVISION, BUT IT'S NOT WHERE YOU THINK IT IS. SO I LIVE IN NEW YORK. 76 00:09:38,545 --> 00:09:42,148 WE'RE IN THIS BUBBLE. WE THINK EVERYTHING WE DISAGREE WITH IS IN THE SOUTH. 77 00:09:42,148 --> 00:09:45,852 BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IN THE SOUTH. THERE IS NO SOUTH. 78 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:53,593 LIKE, THE SOUTH IS 45 MINUTES AWAY FROM WHEREVER YOU ARE. I HAD A SHOW IN UPSTATE NEW 79 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,396 YORK. I WAS WALKING THROUGH THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 80 00:09:56,396 --> 00:10:05,872 THERE'S ALL THIS TRUMP STUFF, FLAGS, RED HATS, I WAS LIKE, YO, I WENT NORTH, BUT I'M SOUTH. 81 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:11,745 AND I COULD FEEL IT, YOU KNOW, I COULD FEEL THE FEAR. WHEN MY MOM CALLED ME, I DIDN'T 82 00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:16,850 WANT TO SPEAK ARABIC. I WAS LIKE, MOTHER, PEACE BE UPON YOU. 83 00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:26,760 LIKE, I -- YOU KNOW, AND THE PROFIT, YOU KNOW WHICH PROFIT. THE BEST ONE, THE LAST ONE. 84 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:34,134 [ LAUGHTER ] IT'S TOUGH BECAUSE IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR. 85 00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:40,540 THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN FEEL IT. EVERYONE'S FREAKING OUT. FOR ME, WHERE I'M AT NOW, I KNOW 86 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:46,646 BIDEN'S GOING TO CALL. HE'LL PROBABLY FORGET. BUT I THINK SOMEBODY WILL CALL. 87 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:52,819 LIKE IN 2020, I GOT A CALL FROM MUHAMMAD AT BIDEN. YOU KNOW THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS 88 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:59,959 SO COOL. LIKE BEN WAS GOING TO CALL, AND THEY WERE LIKE, NO, NO, LET 89 00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:05,465 MUHAMMAD DO IT. RAMY'S GOING TO LIKE THAT ENERGY. 90 00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:09,903 HE GOES, RAMY, WE LOVE YOU. WE LOVE EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE DONE FOR ARAB AMERICA. 91 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:15,141 HE SAID IT LIKE IT WAS A COUNTRY. HE GOES, EVERYONE ON THE 92 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:19,479 CAMPAIGN IS SUCH A BIG FAN OF YOUR WORK. AND JOE'S AWARE, RIGHT. 93 00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:26,319 THAT'S HUGE, RIGHT, BECAUSE JOE HAS AN AWARENESS ISSUE. I MEAN, JOE'S AWARE. 94 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:32,692 THAT'S LIKE A NOBEL PEACE PRIZE. WE SAID YOUR NAME, JOE WAS NODDING. 95 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:40,100 JOE LOOKS GOOD WHEN HE'S AWARE. YOU'VE SEEN HIM, RIGHT? YOU KNOW THOSE DAYS WHEN HE 96 00:11:40,100 --> 00:11:44,337 COMES OUT AND HE'S JUST LIKE THAWED. THEY GIVE HIM AN EXTRA TEN IN 97 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:47,874 THE MICROWAVE. HE'S JUST LIT UP. HE LOOKS GOOD. 98 00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:51,778 AND HE SAYS STUFF THAT'S INSPIRING. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, BUT 99 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:55,148 IT'S GOOD. HE'LL BE LIKE, I RIDE THE TRAIN. YOU'RE LIKE, SICK, WHERE'S IT 100 00:11:55,148 --> 00:12:05,191 GOING. AND YOU NEVER FIND OUT. BUT MUHAMMAD GOES TO ME, RAMY, 101 00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:10,463 LISTEN, THIS IS A TOUGH ELECTION. THERE'S A LOT OF BATTLEGROUNDS, 102 00:12:10,463 --> 00:12:14,234 BUT WE'VE REALIZED IF WE CAN WIN JUST ONE, WE'LL GET THE WHOLE COUNTRY. 103 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:19,973 THE ONLY STATE WE NEED IS MICHIGAN. ARAB AMERICA. 104 00:12:19,973 --> 00:12:27,247 HE GOES, RAMY, GO TO MICHIGAN. TELL THE ARABS TO VOTE FOR JOE, AND YOU COULD CHANGE THE COURSE 105 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:31,685 OF AMERICAN HISTORY. AND OUR COUNTRY'S SO MESSED UP THAT FOR FIVE MINUTES, I WAS 106 00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:42,095 LIKE, IS THIS UP TO ME? LIKE AM I THE GUY? I HAD THIS FANTASY, RIGHT. 107 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:48,968 LIKE I'M IN MICHIGAN. I'M IN EVERY VAPE SHOP. AND IT'S JUST LIKE, BRO, BRO, 108 00:12:48,968 --> 00:12:56,343 JOE, JOE. BUT I COULDN'T GO. I COULDN'T GO. 109 00:12:56,343 --> 00:13:00,680 I DON'T LIKE EITHER OPTION TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. I REALLY THINK OUR NEXT 110 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:05,051 PRESIDENT SHOULD BE A WOMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. 111 00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:11,925 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I THINK OUR NEXT PRESIDENT SHOULD BE A TRANSWOMAN. 112 00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:16,963 A LITTLE LESS SUPPORT, YEAH. THAT'S NEW YORK, RIGHT? NEW YORK'S LIKE WE'RE LIBERAL, 113 00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:22,802 BUT WE'RE ITALIAN. WATCH OUT. NO. 114 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,506 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER. I REALLY HAVE. LIKE IMAGINE HER SPEECH. 115 00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:36,683 IT WOULD BE SO INSPIRING. SHE WOULD BE LIKE, A LOT OF POLITICIANS TALK ABOUT CHANGE -- 116 00:13:36,683 --> 00:13:41,254 [ LAUGHTER ] -- LIKE YOU CAN SEE THE BUMPER STICKER, RIGHT, LIKE REAL 117 00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,090 CHANGE. SHE PUTS UP A BEFORE AND AFTER. SHE'S LIKE, I CAN DO THAT TO THE 118 00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:53,600 COUNTRY. IT'S JUST AN IDEA. I'M OUT OF IDEAS. 119 00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,604 I REALLY AM. I'M OUT OF IDEAS. ALL I HAVE ARE PRAYERS. 120 00:13:57,604 --> 00:14:04,144 THAT'S ALL I CAN DO RIGHT NOW. AND IN MY FRIEND GROUP, I'M ONE OF THE ONLY GUYS WHO PRAYS. 121 00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:08,615 I'M FRIENDS WITH A LOT OF SINNERS. LIKE JUST DISGUSTING PEOPLE. 122 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:13,420 AND THEY CALL ME WHEN THEY'RE IN TROUBLE BECAUSE THEY WANT ME TO PRAY FOR THEM. 123 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:17,691 SO I GET A CALL FROM MY BUDDY BRIAN. HE'S STRESSED. 124 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:23,063 HE'S BEEN IN COURT FOR TEN HAD MONTHS WITH HIS EX, AND THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER THE DOG. 125 00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:31,838 HE GOES, DUDE, SHE DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF THE DOG. SHE FEEDS HIM KIBBLE, NOT WET 126 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:35,642 FOOD. I NEED HIM BACK. IT'S JUST DESTROYING MY LIFE. 127 00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:39,846 PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. I NEED HIM. I'M LIKE, I GOT YOU. 128 00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:45,185 AN HOUR GOES BY. I GOT A FRIEND ACHMED CALLING ME. 129 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:50,523 HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS IN GAZA, AND HE GOES, RAMY, THEY'RE SUFFERING. 130 00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:53,093 I DON'T KNOW WHERE HALF OF THEM ARE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. 131 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:57,864 PLEASE PRAY FOR THEM. IT'S THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO. I'M LIKE, DUDE, I GOT YOU. 132 00:14:57,864 --> 00:15:07,741 SO THAT NIGHT, I GO TO PRAY, AND MY PRAYERS ARE COMPLICATED. I'VE GOT A LOT TO FIT IN. 133 00:15:07,741 --> 00:15:13,880 I'M LIKE, GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ACHMED'S FAMILY. PLEASE STOP THE SUFFERING. 134 00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:19,219 STOP THE VIOLENCE. PLEASE FREE THE PEOPLE OF PALESTINE, PLEASE. 135 00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:32,065 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] PLEASE. AND PLEASE FREE THE HOSTAGES, 136 00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:41,408 ALL THE HOSTAGES, PLEASE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT -- 137 00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:48,615 [ LAUGHTER ] -- YOU KNOW, FREE MR. BOJANGLES. HE'S A BEAUTIFUL DOG. 138 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:55,488 I'M PRAYING FOR THAT DOG. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT? 139 00:15:55,488 --> 00:16:01,027 TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT? TRAVIS SCOTT IS HERE. STICK AROUND. 140 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:04,230 ** 141 00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:16,276 >>> IT'S TIME FOR COUPLE GOALS 142 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:22,482 WITH YOUR HOST BOB DABILDA. >>> ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. 143 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:28,955 WELCOME TO COUPLE GOALS, A GAME WHERE MARRIED COUPLES FIND OUT JUST HOW WELL THEY KNOW EACH 144 00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:33,927 OTHER, SPONSORED BY SWIFFER WET JET. WANT TO SWIRL SOME WET HAIR 145 00:16:33,927 --> 00:16:39,899 AROUND ON YOUR FLOOR, TRY SWIFFER WET JET. LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS. 146 00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:45,305 THEY RECENTLY MOVED INTO THEIR DREAM HOME, IT'S NICK AND NICOLE LODI. 147 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:50,076 AND THEY'RE CHILDHOOD SWEETHEARTS WHO HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER SINCE THEY WERE 6. 148 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:54,881 IT'S BRIAN AND ABBY GREEN. AS YOU KNOW, YOUR SPOUSES ANSWERED A SERIES OF QUESTIONS 149 00:16:54,881 --> 00:17:01,921 BEFORE THE SHOW, AND IT'S UP TO YOU TO GUESS WHAT THEY SAID. QUESTION ONE, WHAT'S YOUR WIFE'S 150 00:17:01,921 --> 00:17:04,391 FAVORITE BOOK? NICK. >> I KNOW THAT ONE, BOB. 151 00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:09,562 IT'S HARRY POTTER. >> LET'S SEE WHAT NICOLE SAID. >> HARRY POTTER. 152 00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:16,870 THAT'S MY HUFFLEPUFF! >> ALL RIGHT. THE LODIS ARE ON THE BOARD. 153 00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:22,075 LET'S GO TO THE GREENS. >> WELL, I KNOW MY LITTLE READER'S FAVORITE BOOK. 154 00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:26,379 IT'S WHERE THE CRAWDADS SING. >> LET'S SEE WHAT NICOLE SAID. OH, THE BIBLE. 155 00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:31,217 >> SORRY, BABE. YOU WERE SO CLOSE. >> WAS HE? 156 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,320 LODIS, OVER TO YOU. WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S GREATEST FEAR? 157 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:40,060 >> WELL, NOT SURE HE WANTS PEOPLE TO KNOW THIS ONE, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY HEIGHTS. 158 00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:46,666 >> OKAY. SHE SAYS HEIGHTS, AND NICK SAYS HIS GREATEST FEAR IS -- THAT 159 00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:51,304 YOU'LL DIE IN A BIZARRE ACCIDENT AND EVEN THOUGH I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, THE POLICE WILL 160 00:17:51,304 --> 00:17:55,742 ASSUME I DID IT AFTER DISCOVERING HOW MUCH I COMPLAINED ABOUT YOU IN TEXT 161 00:17:55,742 --> 00:18:05,452 MESSAGES TO MY FRIENDS. >> I SHOULD HAVE SAID HEIGHTS. >> I'LL SAY. 162 00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:10,323 MOVING ON TO THE GREENS. ABBY, WHAT IS YOUR HUSBAND'S GREATEST FEAR? 163 00:18:10,323 --> 00:18:12,892 >> WELL, YOU WON'T SEE THIS MAN AT A PICNIC. IT'S BEES. 164 00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:18,598 >> OH, SHOOT. I SAID LOSING THE KIDS. >> NO POINTS, BUT THE GREENS ARE 165 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:23,370 TRYING THEIR BEST. NEXT QUESTION IS FOR THE LODIS. WHAT'S SOMETHING YOUR HUSBAND 166 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:27,674 HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW? >> STILL A LITTLE THROWN BY THAT LAST ONE. 167 00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:31,411 BUT THIS ONE'S EASY. DO ALIENS EXIST. >> OKAY. 168 00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:37,650 AND NICK SAID HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW -- IF POLICE CAN STILL READ YOUR TEXT MESSAGES IF YOU 169 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:44,090 DESTROY YOUR WIFE'S PHONE RIGHT AFTER YOUR WIFE IS CRUSHED BY THE GARAGE DOOR OR EQUIVALENT 170 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:47,594 ACCIDENT. >> NICK, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TEXTING? 171 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:52,499 >> WHOOPS. OVER TO ABBY. WHAT'S SOMETHING YOUR HUSBAND 172 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:57,303 HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW? >> WELL, I THINK THIS ONE WILL GET US BACK ON TRACK, IF THERE'S 173 00:18:57,303 --> 00:19:02,642 AN AFTERLIFE. >> SOUNDS CONFIDENT. BRIAN SAID -- WHAT IT FEELS LIKE 174 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:08,148 TO BE WITH A MAN. >> WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT ON TV, BABE? 175 00:19:08,148 --> 00:19:14,220 >> I DIDN'T KNOW WE HAVE TO SHOW OUR ANSWERS TO EVERYONE. >> AND THE GREENS CONTINUE TO BE 176 00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:20,527 ODD BUT PLEASANT PEOPLE. NEXT QUESTION FOR THE LODIS. WHAT WAS YOUR BIGGEST FIGHT 177 00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:21,761 ABOUT? >> OKAY. I KNOW THIS ONE. 178 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:26,733 THE HAWAII INCIDENT. >> ALL RIGHT. NICK SAYS THE HAWAII INCIDENT, 179 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:32,272 AND NICOLE SAYS THE TIME WE WERE IN HAWAII ON TOP OF A WATERFALL AND I WANTED TO JUMP IN, BUT YOU 180 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:38,378 HELD ME BACK AND WOULDN'T LET ME DO IT UNTIL THERE WERE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND. 181 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:41,881 FIVE POINTS AWAY. >> THAT'S WHY YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JUMP? 182 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:46,052 >> ALL RIGHT. THAT SOUND MEANS IT'S TIME FOR A BONUS QUESTION. 183 00:19:46,052 --> 00:19:50,724 THIS ONE'S FOR NICOLE. WHERE IS A PLACE YOUR HUSBAND HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO VISIT? 184 00:19:50,724 --> 00:19:56,496 >> I MEAN, I FEEL LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS MAN. BUT I GUESS HE ALWAYS SAID 185 00:19:56,496 --> 00:19:59,833 DURANGO. >> YES, BABY, YES. >> OKAY. 186 00:19:59,833 --> 00:20:04,637 FINALLY. >> AND WHAT'S WITH THE DOT, DOT, DOT? 187 00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:10,210 WHEN I'M WRONGLY ACCUSED OF YOUR DEATH, I'LL TURN TO THE ONLY LAWYER I KNOW WHO WOULD POSSIBLY 188 00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:15,215 BELIEVE ME, YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE STEPHANIE. THE NIGHT BEFORE THE JURY 189 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:19,586 RETURNS THE VERDICT REALIZING THE SITUATION IS HOPELESS, WE'LL GO ON THE RUN TOGETHER ACROSS 190 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:25,025 THE BORDER. WHEN WE GET TO OUR HOTEL ROOM, WE SEE THAT THERE'S ONLY ONE 191 00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:28,728 BED. SHE CALLS THE FRONT DESK TO COMPLAIN, BUT I SEE SHE'S 192 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:33,133 HOLDING DOWN THE BUTTON, AND THAT'S HOW I KNOW IT'S ON. FINDING OURSELVES IN A PLACE 193 00:20:33,133 --> 00:20:39,372 BEYOND RIGHT AND WRONG, WE MAKE LOVE AND REACH A NEW APEX OF HUMAN PLEASURE. 194 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:46,913 TODAY MIGHT BE MY LAST DAY OF FREEDOM, AND I ACT ACCORDINGLY. DRIPPING IN SWEAT, TEN YEARS OF 195 00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:52,218 SECRET LONGING, WE STARE AT THE CEILING. WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS TOWN 196 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:56,589 AGAIN, I WHISPER. DURANGO, SHE SAYS. AND THEN SHE MOUNTS ME ONCE 197 00:20:56,589 --> 00:21:01,461 MORE. SO YOU BOTH SAID DURANGO. WHICH MEANS LODIS, YOU HAVE WON 198 00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:05,398 OUR GRAND PRIZE. >> WE DID IT! >> WE WON, BABY. 199 00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:11,571 >> PACK YOUR HEAD LAMPS BECAUSE YOU JUST WON A ROMANTIC NIGHT TIME COUPLES WALK ALONG THE 200 00:21:11,571 --> 00:21:15,975 CLIFFS OF DOVER. >> NO THANK YOU. >> YOU HAVE TO. 201 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,545 >> NO. NO. PLEASE, NO. 202 00:21:26,286 --> 00:21:31,491 >>> WE TOOK HIM TO THIS LIKE CANINE REHAB CENTER, AND HE'S DOING A LOT BETTER. 203 00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:37,163 >> YO, DUDES WHAT'S UP? YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS, BUT I WAS JUST WITH TRAVIS SCOTT, AND 204 00:21:37,163 --> 00:21:42,936 HE WANTS TO TAKE US OUT TONIGHT. >> ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> DUDE, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A 205 00:21:42,936 --> 00:21:46,940 TWISTED ROCKIN' BALL WITH TRAVIS SCOTT, MAN. >> WHAT? 206 00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:59,786 >> LIKE A TWISTED -- UM, WHY DON'T WE JUST GO? * OOH, YO, YEAH, IT'S LIT * 207 00:21:59,786 --> 00:22:05,558 * ON OUR WAY TO THE FUNCTION, WE'RE SMOKIN' BLUNTS AND FEELIN' SO ALIVE, ALL THE HONEYS LOOKIN' 208 00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:12,065 SCRUMPTIOUS * * AIN'T THAT SOMETHING, MY HATERS DONE IN, I'M WITH TRAVIS 209 00:22:12,065 --> 00:22:16,936 SCOTT AND RAMY YOUSSEF SMOKIN' DUMB SPLIFFS * * YEAH, WE SMOKIN' WEED, BISH, 210 00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:22,909 SO MANY TREES, BISH * * I AM GETTING HIGH LIKE I'M SITTIN' ON A SKI LIFT, WE 211 00:22:22,909 --> 00:22:31,484 GETTIN' FADED, WE FEEL AMAZIN', OUR LIFE'S LIKE A MOVIE * * NAH, IT'S LIKE A PAINTIN' * 212 00:22:31,484 --> 00:22:37,257 * IT'S LIT * >> HEY, BOYS, BET THE HATERS WOULD LOVE TO SEE YOU NOW, HUH? 213 00:22:37,257 --> 00:22:51,638 * I THINK WE GOT TOO HIGH, SMOKED TOO MUCH AND GOT SCARED, HAVEN'T SMOKED SINCE HIGH 214 00:22:51,638 --> 00:22:59,245 SCHOOL, THIS IS NOT FUN * * IF I CLOSE MY EYES AM I STILL LIKE HERE, AM I STANDING NORMAL, 215 00:22:59,245 --> 00:23:08,288 WHERE'S RAMY? * * HE DID NOT SMOKE MAN, I BET HE'S FEELING AWESOME, WHY DID I 216 00:23:08,288 --> 00:23:10,457 WEAR SHORTS * >> STRAIGHT UP LOOKING GOOFY! * HAD SO MUCH TIME TO CHANGE * 217 00:23:10,457 --> 00:23:15,929 >> BUT YOU DIDN'T! * I DON'T EVEN SMOKE WEED, THIS IS PURE ANXIETY, AND WHY'D I SAY 218 00:23:15,929 --> 00:23:25,672 THAT THING BEFORE * >> LET'S HAVE A TWISTED ROCKIN' BALL WITH TRAVIS SCOTT! 219 00:23:25,672 --> 00:23:30,076 * A TWISTED ROCKIN' BALL, THAT'S NOT A PHRASE, MAN, REALLY HOPING EVERYONE FORGOT THAT I SAID 220 00:23:30,076 --> 00:23:43,423 THAT * * WHAT DID TWISTED BALL MEAN, A WEIRD JOKE, I ASSUME, OH, MY 221 00:23:43,423 --> 00:23:45,191 GOD I'M IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM * * HEY, DO YOU HATE ME, YOU CAN 222 00:23:45,191 --> 00:23:48,495 TELL ME, BUT I'D FEEL BETTER IF YOU HELD ME LIKE A BABY * * TRIPPIN' OUT THINKIN' BOUT MY 223 00:23:48,495 --> 00:23:51,498 MOM AND MY DAD, I CANNOT BELIEVE I CAME OUT OF HER VAG, HOLD UP, HOLD UP * 224 00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:57,437 * I JUST FORGOT HOW TO BREATHE, AND WHY'D I BRING MY BACKPACK, MY ROLLING BACKPACK * 225 00:23:57,437 --> 00:24:06,913 * I'M WEARING SHORTS, SOBER, * MAN, WHY'D I BRING THEM, THEY'RE ACTING CRAZY, AND WHY IS 226 00:24:06,913 --> 00:24:10,850 THAT GUY BEING HELD LIKE A BABY * * I'M OVER IT, THEY ONLY TOOK 227 00:24:10,850 --> 00:24:19,592 ONE HIT, AND WHAT IS RAMY YOUSSEF DOING WITH THOSE NAPKINS * 228 00:24:19,592 --> 00:24:21,828 * I SOLVED THE SHORTS PROBLEM, I'M MAKING NAPKIN PANTS, I JUST CALLED MY MOM SHE'S GONNA SEND 229 00:24:21,828 --> 00:24:27,167 AN AMBULANCE * >> SO YOU'RE SAYING IT WAS JUST CBD? 230 00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:34,274 >> I'M AFRAID SO, YES. >> SO THAT MAKES US? >> WELL THE MEDICAL TERM IS 231 00:24:34,274 --> 00:24:40,914 GIGANTIC PUSSIES. >> YEAH, RIGHT. * I THINK WE GOT TOO HIGH * 232 00:24:47,854 --> 00:24:52,425 >> WELCOME TO THE IMMIGRANT DAD TALK SHOW. THIS IS THE SHOW WHERE WE 233 00:24:52,425 --> 00:24:58,665 TALKING ABOUT OUR CHILDRENS, THE GOOD ONES -- >> AND THE SONS AS WELL. 234 00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:06,639 >> I AM JOAQUIN ANTONIO, AND WITH ME AS ALWAYS IS AHMED MAHMOUD. 235 00:25:06,639 --> 00:25:12,445 >> I'M GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING ALLAH HAS GIVEN ME, EXCEPT MY SON. 236 00:25:12,445 --> 00:25:15,882 >> AMEN. >> MY SON TREATS HIS DOG LIKE A WIFE. 237 00:25:15,882 --> 00:25:22,422 HE SLEEPS WITH THE DOG. HE BUYS THE DOG GIFTS. THE OTHER DAY I COME HOME, HE'S 238 00:25:22,422 --> 00:25:25,558 BRUSHING THE DOG'S TEETH. >> OH, NO. BE CAREFUL. 239 00:25:25,558 --> 00:25:32,565 HE'S GOING TO MARRY THE DOG. BEFORE WE FORGET, TIME TO INTRODUCE OUR SIDE KICK ON THE 240 00:25:32,565 --> 00:25:39,939 GRILL, IFFE, HOW'S YOUR SON? >> MY SON IS VERY BAD, MAN. NO JOB, NO WIFE, NO KIDS, NO 241 00:25:39,939 --> 00:25:45,478 HOUSE. >> IFFE, HOW OLD IS YOUR SON? >> HE'S 5. 242 00:25:45,478 --> 00:25:55,288 >> UNGRATEFUL. >> UNGRATEFUL LITTLE GUY. BUT MY DAUGHTER, OH, MY 243 00:25:55,288 --> 00:26:00,560 DAUGHTER, SHE'S A PERFECT ANGEL. AND SHE'S FUNNY. THE OTHER DAY, SHE TAKE MY 244 00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:05,465 CREDIT CARD AND SPENT $12,000 IN SEPHORA. I LOVE IT BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN 245 00:26:05,465 --> 00:26:09,703 KNOW WHAT SEPHORA IS, AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MONEY TO PAY FOR THIS. 246 00:26:09,703 --> 00:26:16,042 SHE FUNNY, MAN, FUNNY. >> OH, BROTHER. THE OTHER DAY, MY DAUGHTER, SHE 247 00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:21,348 BRINGS HOME FIVE CATS. I'M ALLERGIC, BUT SHE SAYS, THESE ARE OUR CATS NOW. 248 00:26:21,348 --> 00:26:26,720 I LOVE IT. I USED TO HAVE A HOUSE, NOW I HAVE A ZOO AND RASHES ALL OVER 249 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:30,690 MY BODY. >> IFFE, YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER. HOW IS YOUR DAUGHTER? 250 00:26:30,690 --> 00:26:37,063 >> MY DAUGHTER IS SO ADORABLE. SHE TAKES NAPS, SHE ASKS ME, DADDY, COOK ME DINNER. 251 00:26:37,063 --> 00:26:42,435 DRIVE ME AROUND. GIVE ME ALLOWANCE. >> AND HOW OLD IS YOUR DAUGHTER? 252 00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:47,240 >> SHE'S 51. >> WOW. YOUR KIDS SO FAR APART. 253 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:51,244 OKAY. WELL, NOW IT'S TIME FOR ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS OF THE 254 00:26:51,244 --> 00:26:54,781 SHOW. WE'RE GOING TO DO -- >> THINGS OUR SONS LIKE THAT 255 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:57,083 THEY SHOULDN'T LIKE. I'M GOING TO START. COMPUTER. 256 00:26:57,083 --> 00:27:02,589 WHY YOU LIKE THE COMPUTER? HE SAY TO ME, I'M WORKING ON MY THESIS. 257 00:27:02,589 --> 00:27:09,796 I SAY, THESIS? THIS IS A WASTE OF TIME! GET A JOB. 258 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:11,631 UNGRATEFUL. >> UNGRATEFUL. I GO NEXT. 259 00:27:11,631 --> 00:27:19,172 MY SON, YOU KNOW WHAT HE LOVES? HE LOVES TO PAY FOR COFFEE. I SAY, MAKE COFFEE AT HOME. 260 00:27:19,172 --> 00:27:26,546 HE SAYS, NO, NO. I WANT TO GO TO BROOKLYN AND PAY $2,000 FOR ONE CUP OF COFFEE! 261 00:27:26,546 --> 00:27:33,053 >> MY SON LOVE TO GO TO BROOKLYN TO PAY $2,000 FOR A CUP OF COFFEE. 262 00:27:33,053 --> 00:27:39,092 >> MY SON LOVES BROOKLYN. HE SAYS, BABA, I WANT TO LIVE IN THE WORST PLACE IN THE BEST 263 00:27:39,092 --> 00:27:43,897 PLACE. >> OH, MY GOD. OH, OH, IT'S TIME FOR OUR FIRST 264 00:27:43,897 --> 00:27:49,803 GUEST. BUT BEFORE THIS, WE WANT TO THANK TODAY'S SPONSOR. 265 00:27:49,803 --> 00:27:53,640 THE BELT! >> WHY HAVE A CONVERSATION WHEN YOU CAN JUST HIT 'EM WITH THE 266 00:27:53,640 --> 00:28:01,448 BELT! >> THE BELT, AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE YOU BUY PANTS. 267 00:28:01,448 --> 00:28:04,284 OKAY. NOW, LET'S BRING OUT OUR FIRST GUEST. 268 00:28:04,284 --> 00:28:10,390 IT'S ANOTHER DAD WHO JUST MOVING INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. PLEASE WELCOME KEVIN. 269 00:28:10,390 --> 00:28:20,066 >> HEY, HEY, GANG. HI. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. 270 00:28:20,066 --> 00:28:26,873 HOLA. AND -- YOUR THING. >> JUST TELL US ABOUT YOUR 271 00:28:26,873 --> 00:28:30,076 CHILDREN. >> WELL, I'VE GOT ONE DAUGHTER AND ONE SON. 272 00:28:30,076 --> 00:28:36,282 >> OH, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE BOY. >> WELL, ACTUALLY, I LOVE MY 273 00:28:36,282 --> 00:28:38,251 SON. HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. >> FRIEND? 274 00:28:38,251 --> 00:28:43,757 HOW CAN A SON BE A FRIEND? NO, NO. YOUR SON IS A PIECE OF PROPERTY. 275 00:28:43,757 --> 00:28:49,162 ARE YOU FRIENDS WITH THE MAILBOX? >> AND WHAT DOES YOUR SON DO FOR 276 00:28:49,162 --> 00:28:55,335 A JOB? >> WELL, LITTLE FLEX. HE JUST STARTED DOING A THING 277 00:28:55,335 --> 00:28:59,639 CALLED PAR CORE. >> OH, HE PARK CARS LIKE A VALET. 278 00:28:59,639 --> 00:29:02,275 THAT'S GOOD. THAT'S A GOOD JOB. >> OH, NO. 279 00:29:02,275 --> 00:29:07,514 IT'S PAR CORE. HE GOES OUT IN THE STREET AND LIKE TUMBLES OVER STUFF. 280 00:29:07,514 --> 00:29:13,820 >> AND HE GETS PAID FOR THIS? >> WELL, IN A WAY, NO. BUT IT'S VERY IMPRESSIVE. 281 00:29:13,820 --> 00:29:19,159 YOU GOT TO SEE IT. CONNOR, COME OUT AND SHOW THEM YOUR PAR CORE. 282 00:29:19,159 --> 00:29:24,297 UH-OH, UH-OH. THERE HE GOES. WOW! 283 00:29:24,297 --> 00:29:32,605 GREAT JOB, SON. >> THANKS, DAD. >> AHH! 284 00:29:32,605 --> 00:29:39,746 >> OH, MY GOD! MY FRIEND HAVING SEX WITH HIS SON! 285 00:29:39,746 --> 00:29:47,420 >> NO, THAT'S NOT SEX. IT'S JUST HOW WE SHOW AFFECTION. WE'VE DONE IT SINCE HE WAS A 286 00:29:47,420 --> 00:29:50,223 BABY. >> HE'S HAD SEX WITH HIM SINCE HE WAS A BABY. 287 00:29:50,223 --> 00:29:54,494 >> IT'S NOT SEX. >> LOOKS LIKE SEX. >> IT'S NOT SEX. 288 00:29:54,494 --> 00:29:59,566 >> IT LOOKY LIKE SEX. >> IT'S NOT. IT DON'T LOOKY LIKE SEX. 289 00:29:59,566 --> 00:30:03,903 CONNOR, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. THESE GUYS DON'T GET IT. COME ON. 290 00:30:03,903 --> 00:30:11,611 GIDDY UP. >> WELL, THAT IS ALL THE TIME THAT WE ARE HAVING FOR IMMIGRANT 291 00:30:11,611 --> 00:30:15,115 DAD TALK. >> AND UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, ALWAYS REMEMBER -- 292 00:30:15,115 --> 00:30:19,252 >> AND UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, ALWAYS REMEMBER -- >> HIT 'EM WITH THE BELT! 293 00:30:34,534 --> 00:30:42,308 30 POINTS. >> ALL RIGHT. Y'ALL SEE THE SCORE? 294 00:30:42,308 --> 00:30:47,947 WE'RE PLAYING LIKE SOME PUNKS OUT THERE. AS YOUR COACH, I'VE GIVEN YOU 295 00:30:47,947 --> 00:30:52,352 SPEECH AFTER SPEECH, BUT CLEARLY SOMETHING ISN'T GETTING THROUGH. SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO HEAR FROM 296 00:30:52,352 --> 00:30:56,790 ONE OF YOUR OWN. CAPTAIN. >> YEAH, COACH. 297 00:30:56,790 --> 00:31:03,263 GUYS, WE SHOULD BE UP BY 20 POINTS RIGHT NOW, BUT WE'RE GETTING OUR ASSES KICKED BECAUSE 298 00:31:03,263 --> 00:31:11,404 WE'RE NOT FOCUSED ON THE FUNDAMENTALS. >> FUNDAMENTALS. 299 00:31:11,404 --> 00:31:15,809 >> WE LOST TO CANYON HIGH LAST WEEK. MILLER'S OUT WITH AN ANKLE 300 00:31:15,809 --> 00:31:20,647 SPRAIN, AND ON TUESDAY, COACH ACCIDENTALLY SENT THAT WEIRD PICTURE OF HIMSELF TO THE TEAM 301 00:31:20,647 --> 00:31:27,654 GROUP CHAT INSTEAD OF HIS WIFE. BUT WE GOT TO MOVE PAST THAT. >> IT'S IN THE PAST, GENTLEMEN. 302 00:31:27,654 --> 00:31:34,094 >> I MEAN, LOOK, DID I WANT TO SEE COACH WEARING ONLY A FUR THONG AND CAT EARS ON ALL FOURS 303 00:31:34,094 --> 00:31:40,166 LICKING MILK OUT OF A BOWL? NO. BUT THAT'S NO EXCUSE TO NOT PLAY 304 00:31:40,166 --> 00:31:46,239 MY ASS OFF TONIGHT. >> NO EXCUSE! >> AND, YEAH, DID IT SUCK THAT 305 00:31:46,239 --> 00:31:53,113 COACH DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT HE HAD DONE AND SENT EVEN MORE PICTURES TO THE GROUP? 306 00:31:53,113 --> 00:31:57,450 YES, IT SUCKED. BUT WE CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW. 307 00:31:57,450 --> 00:32:04,491 >> IT'S JUST SOMETHING MY WIFE AND I DO, GENTLEMEN. WE GOT TO MOVE ON FROM THAT. 308 00:32:04,491 --> 00:32:07,427 STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PICS. >> I'M NOT THINKING ABOUT YOUR PICS, COACH. 309 00:32:07,427 --> 00:32:14,234 I'M THINKING ABOUT THE VIDEO OF YOU GOING TO THE BATHROOM IN THE LITTER BOX. 310 00:32:14,234 --> 00:32:19,272 >> ME TOO. >> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHY COACH'S WIFE GETS TURNED ON BY THAT, ALL 311 00:32:19,272 --> 00:32:22,942 RIGHT? SHE LIKES SEEING HIM GO TO THE BATHROOM IN A LITTER BOX. 312 00:32:22,942 --> 00:32:27,914 THAT'S IT. >> 26 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, FELLAS. YOU NEED TO MIX IT UP SOMETIMES. 313 00:32:27,914 --> 00:32:32,085 >> CAN I SAY SOMETHING? I'M SORRY I POSTED COACH'S VIDEO ON TIKTOK. 314 00:32:32,085 --> 00:32:36,990 I THOUGHT IT WAS AI. >> WE KNOW THAT, RODRIGUES. THE POINT IS NONE OF US HAVE AN 315 00:32:36,990 --> 00:32:46,533 EXCUSE TO BE PLAYING THIS BAD EXCEPT FOR CHRIS BECAUSE COACH IS HIS DAD. 316 00:32:46,533 --> 00:32:53,740 >> DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT MY BOY. HE'S GOING TO TURN IT ON IN THE SECOND HALF. 317 00:32:53,740 --> 00:32:59,612 >> SIR, I WANT TO FOCUS. BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD WHEN THE OTHER TEAM'S FANS KEEP LIKE 318 00:32:59,612 --> 00:33:03,383 SHINING LASER POINTERS ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO GET COACH TO CHASE THEM. 319 00:33:03,383 --> 00:33:10,123 >> WHICH I WON'T. >> SORRY, A PACKAGE HERE FOR COACH WILLIAMS. 320 00:33:10,123 --> 00:33:18,765 >> MAN, THIS BETTER NOT BE ANOTHER ONE OF THEM -- IT IS. KITTY LITTER. 321 00:33:18,765 --> 00:33:25,338 Y'ALL SEE THIS? THIS IS THE OTHER TEAM TRYING TO GET INTO OUR HEADS, AND IT 322 00:33:25,338 --> 00:33:32,412 WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST TEN TIMES. IT'S NOT FUNNY NOW. 323 00:33:32,412 --> 00:33:36,683 >> LOOK, WE CAN STILL WIN THIS, ALL RIGHT? BUT WE GOT TO PLAY BETTER 324 00:33:36,683 --> 00:33:39,519 DEFENSE. SO WHOEVER YOU'RE COVERING, BE ON THEM. 325 00:33:39,519 --> 00:33:44,457 WHEREVER THEY GO, JUST FOLLOW THEM. JUST LIKE HOW WHEREVER THE COACH 326 00:33:44,457 --> 00:33:49,095 GOES, THE STATE APPOINTED SOCIAL WORKER GOES. >> DON'T MIND ME. 327 00:33:49,095 --> 00:33:52,699 JUST MAKING SURE EVERYBODY FEELS SAFE. >> GUYS, WHAT IS COACH FAMOUS 328 00:33:52,699 --> 00:33:57,837 FOR SAYING? >> THIS NAUGHTY KITTY CRAVES DISCIPLINE. 329 00:33:57,837 --> 00:34:06,813 >> NO, NOT FROM THE CAT VIDEOS. FROM WHAT HE SAYS IN PRACTICE. >> OH, PLAY THE GAME, NOT THE 330 00:34:06,813 --> 00:34:11,551 SCORE. >> EXACTLY. SO WHEN WE GO OUT THERE FOR THE 331 00:34:11,551 --> 00:34:15,055 SECOND HALF, LET'S SHOW UP JUST LIKE COACH SHOWED UP FOR US TODAY EVEN THOUGH ALL OF OUR 332 00:34:15,055 --> 00:34:21,861 PARENTS ASKED HIM NOT TO. >> THANK YOU, NATE. YOU KNOW, GENTLEMEN, I'M GOING 333 00:34:21,861 --> 00:34:28,635 TO BE REAL WITH YOU. WHEN I REALIZED WHAT I HAD DONE, I CONSIDERED GETTING INTO MY CAR 334 00:34:28,635 --> 00:34:33,473 AND DRIVING OFF TO START A NEW LIFE SOMEWHERE ELSE, BUT I COULDN'T LEAVE MY TEAM. 335 00:34:33,473 --> 00:34:39,612 COULDN'T LEAVE MY SON. AND I KNOW THAT ONE DAY, HE'S GOING TO EVENTUALLY TALK AGAIN. 336 00:34:39,612 --> 00:34:45,485 AND WHEN HE DOES, THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH ARE NOT GOING TO BE, DAD, I WANT TO GO 337 00:34:45,485 --> 00:34:51,391 LIVE WITH GRANDMA AND GRANDPA. THEY'RE GOING TO BE, DAD, WE'RE STATE CHAMPIONS. 338 00:34:51,391 --> 00:34:53,827 NOW LET'S GET OUT THERE AND GET THIS WIN AND MAKE SOME HEADLINES. 339 00:34:53,827 --> 00:34:55,662 THIS WIN AND MAKE SOME HEADLINES. >> YEAH! 340 00:35:05,438 --> 00:35:10,677 YOU KNOW, FASTING FOR RAMADAN USED TO BE EASY, BUT THE LAST FEW YEARS WITH WORK AND A 341 00:35:10,677 --> 00:35:15,648 GROWING FAMILY, IT'S FELT ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. BUT NOT ANYMORE. 342 00:35:15,648 --> 00:35:25,358 THANKS TO OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN. >> OZEMPIC IS A MEDICATION PRESCRIBED TO SUPPRESS HUNGER 343 00:35:25,358 --> 00:35:30,864 AND SLOW DIGESTION, AND RAMADAN IS A MONTH WHERE MUSLIMS SUSTAIN FROM FOOD AND WATER FROM SUNRISE 344 00:35:30,864 --> 00:35:34,901 TO SUNSET. >> I USED TO RUSH TO EAT A WHOLE MEAL BEFORE DAWN. 345 00:35:34,901 --> 00:35:40,106 NOW I JUST GRAB MY PRAYER BEADS AND OZEMPIC NEEDLES. AS LONG AS I SHOOT UP BEFORE THE 346 00:35:40,106 --> 00:35:47,747 SUN RISES, IT'S ALL GOOD. >> SINCE MY GR DOCTOR PRESCRIBED OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN, I'VE NEVER 347 00:35:47,747 --> 00:35:54,154 GOTTEN MORE WORK DONE. WHILE MY COWORKERS ARE AT LUNCH, I'M ON GOOGLE SHEETS GOING HAM. 348 00:35:54,154 --> 00:36:02,128 >> RUNNING MY FOOD CART DURING RAMADAN IS REALLY HARD, SMELLING ALL MY DELICIOUS MEATS AND 48 349 00:36:02,128 --> 00:36:08,635 HOUR MARINADES ON MY BUTTER GRILL -- WITH OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN, NOW I DON'T EVEN GET 350 00:36:08,635 --> 00:36:14,174 HANGRY WHEN WHITE WOMEN ASK IF I HAVE SALMON. >> SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE 351 00:36:14,174 --> 00:36:20,580 NAUSEA, HEADACHE, AND GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL. >> I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THE SOUND 352 00:36:20,580 --> 00:36:25,051 OF CAB DRIVERS YELLING ON THEIR PHONE IN ISLAMIC, AND IT MADE ME WANT TO CONVERT. 353 00:36:25,051 --> 00:36:32,359 THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK WAS FASTING. BUT NOW I CAN WALK INTO THE 354 00:36:32,359 --> 00:36:36,062 MOSQUE WITH A FULL HEART AND A 27-INCH WAIST. BAM! 355 00:36:36,062 --> 00:36:42,402 >> OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN HAS ALL THE MIRACULOUS HUNGER-CRUSHING INGREDIENTS THAT REGULAR OZEMPIC 356 00:36:42,402 --> 00:36:48,541 HAS WITHOUT ANY PORK. >> WHEN IT'S FINALLY TIME TO EAT, I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY. 357 00:36:48,541 --> 00:36:53,146 I THINK I'M GOING TO FAST THE WHOLE MONTH STRAIGHT. PROBABLY GET EXTRA AWARDS FROM 358 00:36:53,146 --> 00:36:58,385 GOD. >> AND FOR THOSE OF YOU CLAIMING THIS IS THE EXACT PRODUCT 359 00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:03,356 REBRANDED FOR A NEW MUSLIM DEMOGRAPHIC, THAT'S ISLAMAPHOBIC. 360 00:37:03,356 --> 00:37:06,259 ISLAMAPHOBIC. >> OZEMPIC FOR RAMADAN. YEAH, IT'S JUST OZEMPIC. 361 00:37:23,910 --> 00:37:30,450 SCOTT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 362 00:37:30,450 --> 00:37:47,801 ** * YEAH, YEAH * * ONE THOUSAND ON MY FEET 363 00:37:47,801 --> 00:37:54,874 STACKS SPREADED ON MY SEAT TEN THOUSAND ON MY EYES ROLLIE POLLIE ON MY WRIST * 364 00:37:54,874 --> 00:37:58,144 * GOTTA MAKE A FLIGHT BIG DAY SLUMMIN' ON FACETIME 365 00:37:58,144 --> 00:38:03,016 FIFTY K, WONDERIN' WHY I'M * * STORMIN' OFF, NO RACE EMBOLDENED BY THE BLISS 366 00:38:03,016 --> 00:38:06,186 I WAS SWORN IN BY A KISS LATE FROM THE * * COUNTRY CATERS 367 00:38:06,186 --> 00:38:10,023 NO PEACEMAKER I SWEEP UP CASES GOIN' ON A WALK WITH * 368 00:38:10,023 --> 00:38:14,828 * A NEW SUIT ARMOR NEW SUIT DEAD, BOTTEGA THAT'S ON IT 369 00:38:14,828 --> 00:38:17,030 HUMIDITY FROM THE SLEEP * * THEN I HARM HER CUPID CREEP IN 370 00:38:17,030 --> 00:38:19,699 SLEEP WITH A THREE TIME TO * * GET ME T-T-T'D 371 00:38:19,699 --> 00:38:23,470 STILL SAME PHONE, AT&T-T STILL GIVIN' NEWS VERY VIVIDLY * 372 00:38:23,470 --> 00:38:27,741 * BEEF IN THERE, -- A BEEF SMOKIN' ON SOME VICIOUS TYPE OF REEFER 373 00:38:27,741 --> 00:38:31,511 I NEED NO BEEF, NO CHEESE * * YEAH EVEN WHEN I EAT THEY CHEAT YEAH 374 00:38:31,511 --> 00:38:49,295 EVERY TIME WE MEET, NAIVE YEAH, YEAH, OH * YEAH, YEAH, OH * 375 00:38:49,295 --> 00:38:54,167 ** * ONE THOUSAND ON MY FEET STACKS SPREADED ON MY SEAT 376 00:38:54,167 --> 00:39:16,222 TEN THOUSAND ON MY EYES YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH * * LOOK IN MY EYES 377 00:39:16,222 --> 00:39:18,892 TELL ME A TALE DO YOU SEE THE ROAD THE MAP TO MY SOUL * 378 00:39:18,892 --> 00:39:21,061 * LOOK, TELL ME THE SIGNS WHENEVER THE SMOKE CLEAR OUT OF MY FACE 379 00:39:21,061 --> 00:39:23,763 AM I PICTURE-PERFECT * * OR DO I LOOK FRIED ALL OF THAT GREEN 380 00:39:23,763 --> 00:39:25,899 AND YELLOW, THAT DRIP FROM YOUR EYES IS TELLIN' * * TELL YOU DEMISE 381 00:39:25,899 --> 00:39:28,702 I WENT TO MY SIDE TO PUSH BACK THE CEILIN' AND PUSH BACK THE FEELINGS * 382 00:39:28,702 --> 00:39:30,837 * I HAD TO DECIDE I REPLAY THEM NIGHTS AND RIGHT BY MY SIDE 383 00:39:30,837 --> 00:39:33,573 ALL I SEE IS A SEA OF * * PEOPLE THAT RIDE WIT' ME IF THEY JUST KNEW WHAT 384 00:39:33,573 --> 00:39:36,309 SCOTTY WOULD DO TO JUMP OFF THE STAGE AND * * SAVE HIM A CHILD 385 00:39:36,309 --> 00:39:39,579 THE THINGS I CREATED BECAME THE MOST WEIGHTED I GOTTA FIND BALANCE * 386 00:39:39,579 --> 00:39:43,350 * AND KEEP ME INSPIRED YEAH, YEAH, YEAH THAT -- WILD 387 00:39:43,350 --> 00:39:45,485 INSTEAD I'M A HERO * * I TOOK IT FROM ZERO LAFLAME USAIN 388 00:39:45,485 --> 00:39:47,721 I RUN IT FROM MILES THIS -- WASN'T LUCK * * THEY GOT ME -- UP 389 00:39:47,721 --> 00:39:50,390 I PUT YOU ON BUS AND TAKE YOU AROUND A COUPLE OF GUYS INSIDE * 390 00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:52,559 * OF THE SCHOOL I GAVE 'EM THE TOOLS TO GET IT OFF GROUND 391 00:39:52,559 --> 00:39:55,261 THEY SAY THEY THE ONES * * WHEN THEY MAKE THE ERRORS CAN'T LOOK IN THE MIRROR 392 00:39:55,261 --> 00:39:57,063 THAT -- WILD STAND ON THE STAGE * * I GIVE 'EM THE RAGE 393 00:39:57,063 --> 00:40:00,166 NO TURNIN' IT DOWN CAN'T TAME IT CAN'T FOLLOW IT * 394 00:40:00,166 --> 00:40:01,835 * WE DO IT FOR STREETS WE DO IT FOR KEEPS WE DO IT FOR RIGHTS 395 00:40:01,835 --> 00:40:04,537 GOT 52 WEEKS * * THIS -- AIN'T FOR PLEASURE I'M COMIN' TO TWEAK 396 00:40:04,537 --> 00:40:06,306 THIS -- IS FOREVER AND INFINITY * * NUMBER EIGHT YEAH WE WRITE 397 00:40:06,306 --> 00:40:08,308 IT AND WRAP IT AROUND I TAKE ME BEAT AND I TURN TO A BEAST * 398 00:40:08,308 --> 00:40:10,977 * BOUGHT THE CRIB ON A HILL MADE IT HARDER TO REACH BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE WHIPS 399 00:40:10,977 --> 00:40:14,748 YEAH BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE * * WATCHES YEAH DIDN'T BUY THE CONDO YEAH 400 00:40:14,748 --> 00:40:19,085 MADE A CAST OF MY YEAH BOUGHT A COUPLE MORE * * IF I GAVE YOU A DAY IN MY 401 00:40:19,085 --> 00:40:32,098 LIFE OR A DAY IN MY EYES DON'T BLINK * * YEAH, YEAH, OH, OH, OH 402 00:40:32,098 --> 00:40:41,541 * YEAH, YEAH, OH, OH, OH YEAH, YEAH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 403 00:40:48,748 --> 00:40:57,691 UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 404 00:40:57,691 --> 00:41:01,861 >>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 405 00:41:01,861 --> 00:41:10,236 I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. WELL, FOUR PRESIDENTS VISITED 406 00:41:10,236 --> 00:41:14,207 NEW YORK CITY AT THE SAME TIME ON THURSDAY. THREE TO DO A JOINT FUND RAISER 407 00:41:14,207 --> 00:41:21,481 AT RADIO CITY, AND ONE SELLING BIBLES DOOR TO DOOR. DONALD TRUMP HAS PARTNERED WITH 408 00:41:21,481 --> 00:41:27,620 COUNTRY MUSIC STAR LEE GREENWOOD TO SELL A $60 EDITION OF THE BIBLE THAT ALSO INCLUDES THE 409 00:41:27,620 --> 00:41:33,927 CONSTITUTION, THE LYRICS TO GREENWOOD'S GOD BLESS THE USA AND I ASSUME GOD'S LETTER OF 410 00:41:33,927 --> 00:41:41,634 RESIGNATION. THIS BIBLE IS MOSTLY THE SAME, BUT TRUMP'S VERSION ENDS WITH 411 00:41:41,634 --> 00:41:51,678 JESUS' DISCIPLES STORMING JERUSALEM TO OVERTURN THE RESULTS OF THE CRUCIFIXION. 412 00:41:51,678 --> 00:41:57,617 TRUMP ALSO POSTED THIS VIDEO URGING HIS FOLLOWERS TO BUY IT. >> ALL AMERICANS NEED A BIBLE IN 413 00:41:57,617 --> 00:42:07,660 THEIR HOME, AND I HAVE MANY. >> MANY. I ACTUALLY BELIEVE HE HAS MANY 414 00:42:07,660 --> 00:42:10,830 BIBLES. I'M SURE HE'S BEEN SENT THOUSANDS OF BIBLES WITH A NOTE 415 00:42:10,830 --> 00:42:17,704 THAT SAYS, PLEASE READ THIS. >> MORE THAN 5,000 PEOPLE ATTENDED A DEMOCRATIC FUND 416 00:42:17,704 --> 00:42:31,518 RAISER AT RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL FEATURING BIG NAME CELEBRITIES LIKE BARACK OBAMA, STEVEN 417 00:42:31,518 --> 00:42:37,691 COLBERT, AND LIZZO. >> FRANCIS KEY SCOTT BRIDGE COLLAPSED AFTER IT WAS STRUCK BY 418 00:42:37,691 --> 00:42:42,595 A CARGO SHIP THAT WAS CARRYING -- YOU WON'T BELIEVE IT -- BOEING AIRPLANES. 419 00:42:42,595 --> 00:42:47,100 >> PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID ON FRIDAY THAT HE WOULD VISIT THE SITE OF THE BALTIMORE BRIDGE 420 00:42:47,100 --> 00:42:50,136 COLLAPSE, BECAUSE LIKE THAT BRIDGE, BIDEN IS NO LONGER CONNECTING WITH THE BLACK 421 00:42:50,136 --> 00:42:59,346 COMMUNITIES. >> WOW. >> GOT TO READ THE POLLS, COLIN. 422 00:42:59,346 --> 00:43:04,718 >> DONALD TRUMP SHARED A VIDEO FRIDAY OF A TRUCK DRIVING IN LONG ISLAND WITH A PICTURE ON 423 00:43:04,718 --> 00:43:09,055 THE BACK OF PRESIDENT BIDEN TIED UP WITH A ROPE. AND I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW WHERE 424 00:43:09,055 --> 00:43:14,094 TO GET ONE OF THOSE BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE THAT ON THE BACK OF YOUR CAR, YOU ARE NEVER GETTING 425 00:43:14,094 --> 00:43:21,835 PULLED OVER BY A COP. >> NBC NEWS CUT TIES WITH RONNA McDANIEL AFTER MANY NETWORK 426 00:43:21,835 --> 00:43:27,073 HOSTS PROTESTED HER HIRING. I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED ONLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT RONNA McDANIEL 427 00:43:27,073 --> 00:43:34,981 WAS A DRAG VERSION OF RONALD McDONALD. >> FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON 428 00:43:34,981 --> 00:43:41,087 DeSANTIS, SEEN HERE REMEMBERING HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN, SIGNED A BILL THAT WILL BAN 429 00:43:41,087 --> 00:43:46,459 SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS FOR YOUNGER TEENAGERS. BUT FLORIDA'S OLDER TEENAGERS 430 00:43:46,459 --> 00:43:54,100 CAN KEEP THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS BECAUSE THEY NEED A PLACE TO POST THEIR SONOGRAMS. 431 00:43:54,100 --> 00:44:04,144 >> LA DODGERS STAR SHOHEI OHTANI WAS FORCED TO FIRE HIS INTERPRETER OVER A GAMBLING 432 00:44:04,144 --> 00:44:07,681 ALLEGATION. WHEN REACHED OUT FOR COMMENT, OHTANI SAID SOMETHING IN 433 00:44:07,681 --> 00:44:14,688 JAPANESE. I DON'T KNOW. NO WAY OF KNOWING WHAT HE SAID. 434 00:44:14,688 --> 00:44:20,060 >> THE CEO OF BOEING ANNOUNCED HE'S STEPPING DOWN IN THE WAKE OF THE COMPANY'S ONGOING SAFETY 435 00:44:20,060 --> 00:44:28,468 ISSUES, AND ON HIS WAY OUT, HE HELD UP A BUNCH OF NUTS AND BOLTS AND SAID GOOD LUCK 436 00:44:28,468 --> 00:44:32,806 FIGURING THIS OUT. >> VICE-PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS PRAISED BEYONCE FOR HER NEW 437 00:44:32,806 --> 00:44:38,978 COUNTRY ALBUM SAYING SHE'S RECLAIMED COUNTRY MUSIC'S BLOCK ROOTS. 438 00:44:38,978 --> 00:44:46,119 ROOTS. UM, I'M SORRY, HOOTTY! NO LOVE FOR HOOTIE. 439 00:44:49,923 --> 00:44:56,463 ANNOUNCEMENT LAST WEEK, MANY CAME UNDER FIRE FOR SPREADING CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT KATE. 440 00:44:56,463 --> 00:45:01,034 HERE TO COMMENT IS TIKTOKER PIPER DUNSTER. >> HI, COLIN. 441 00:45:01,034 --> 00:45:06,206 THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> THANKS FOR BEING HERE. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ALL 442 00:45:06,206 --> 00:45:11,945 THESE KATE THEORISTS ON SOCIAL MEDIA? >> THEY'RE SO MESSED UP. 443 00:45:11,945 --> 00:45:15,415 YOU ALL SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES. YOU COULDN'T GIVE THIS WOMAN ONE 444 00:45:15,415 --> 00:45:23,456 OUNCE OF PRIVACY? ALSO, I'M SORRY, BUT SOME OF THEIR THEORIES ARE JUST DUMB. 445 00:45:23,456 --> 00:45:28,294 >> I ACTUALLY WATCHED A COUPLE OF YOUR TIKTOKS FROM A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO. 446 00:45:28,294 --> 00:45:35,902 >> WHEN YOU REALIZE THE LETTERS IN CADE MIDDLETON REARRANGED SPELL NAKED TIT MODEL. 447 00:45:35,902 --> 00:45:43,510 >> UM, SO, YEAH, I BRIEFLY HOPPED ON THE BRAND WAGON, BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. 448 00:45:43,510 --> 00:45:48,181 I'M A STAY AT HOME MOM WHO PREFERS NOT TO THINK ABOUT HER KIDS. 449 00:45:48,181 --> 00:45:54,254 THIS IS ALL I HAVE. BUT I SWEAR, NORMALLY, I AM VERY CAREFUL ABOUT WHAT I PEST ON 450 00:45:54,254 --> 00:45:57,390 SOCIAL MEDIA. >> LET'S FLIP THROUGH A COUPLE OF YOUR TIKTOKS. 451 00:45:57,390 --> 00:46:05,665 THERE'S THIS ONE FROM 2022. >> FINALLY, A POLITICIAN WE CAN BELIEVE IN. 452 00:46:05,665 --> 00:46:08,501 TWO WORDS, GEORGE SANTOS. >> THERE WAS THAT. AND THERE WAS ALSO THIS ONE FROM 453 00:46:08,501 --> 00:46:18,411 THE SUMMER. >> GUYS, YOU'VE GOT TO GET ON THE WAIT LIST FOR THE TITANIC 454 00:46:18,411 --> 00:46:19,713 SUBMERSIBLE. WHOO. THERE'S A WAIT LIST. 455 00:46:19,713 --> 00:46:22,248 >> YEAH. THERE'S ALSO THIS ONE FROM THIS WEEK. 456 00:46:22,248 --> 00:46:27,354 >> MANHATTAN GIRLIES, LISTEN HERE, LISTEN HERE, GET OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT AND GO FOR A 457 00:46:27,354 --> 00:46:30,156 WALK. I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK THE WORST IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU? 458 00:46:30,156 --> 00:46:42,802 YOU GET PUNCHED? >> DOESN'T AGE WELL A WEEK IN. HOW ABOUT THIS ONE FROM 2019. 459 00:46:42,802 --> 00:46:47,073 >> OKAY. FOR EVERYONE ASKING IN THE COMMENTS, THE SECRET TO MY 460 00:46:47,073 --> 00:46:54,681 FOR EVERYONE ASKING IN THE COMMENTS, THE SECRET TO MY CASSEROLE, WET MARKET BAT. 461 00:46:55,982 --> 00:47:02,022 I'LL ADMIT, MY TIKTOK TAKES ARE A LITTLE QUESTIONABLE. BUT, HEY, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT 462 00:47:02,022 --> 00:47:06,126 SIDE. PRETTY SOON THEY MIGHT BAN THE APP, AND THEN ALL MY FLOP 463 00:47:06,126 --> 00:47:10,830 PREDICTIONS WILL BE ERASED FROM THE INTERNET. >> RIGHT BECAUSE WE ALSO FOUND 464 00:47:10,830 --> 00:47:19,039 YOUR OLD MYSPACE PAGE. I'M GOING TO MARRY MY FAVORITE MEMBER OF NSYNC, LANCE BASS. 465 00:47:20,240 --> 00:47:23,410 >> OKAY. WELL, HE'S THE HOTTEST AND THE STRAIGHTEST. 466 00:47:23,410 --> 00:47:27,447 >> OKAY. TIKTOKER PIPER DUNSTER, EVERYONE. 467 00:47:27,447 --> 00:47:29,783 >> CALL ME, LANCE! >> CALL HER. >> CALL ME 468 00:47:31,151 --> 00:47:37,824 >> A NUMBER OF SPORTS BARS AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE PROMISING TO ONLY SHOW WOMEN'S BASKETBALL 469 00:47:37,824 --> 00:47:46,332 GAMES DURING MARCH MADNESS. THE BARS ARE KNOWN COLLECTIVELY AS -- THE EMPTY ONES. 470 00:47:46,332 --> 00:47:54,708 >> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT STUMPY, A BELOVED JAPANESE CHERRY BLOSSOM TREE IN WASHINGTON D.C. 471 00:47:54,708 --> 00:47:59,512 WILL BE CHOPPED DOWN BECAUSE OF OLD AGE -- AND BECAUSE OF ITS ACTIONS ON JANUARY 6th. 472 00:47:59,512 --> 00:48:07,387 >> THE OSCAR WINNING MOVIE "OPPENHEIMER" FINALLY PREMIERED YESTERDAY IN JAPAN -- WITHOUT 473 00:48:07,387 --> 00:48:20,934 WARNING. >> ONE PERSON SHRIEKED. FANS OF THE HOIFONG SAUCE IS 474 00:48:20,934 --> 00:48:27,040 COMPLAINING THE CONDIMENT IS NOT AS HOT AS IT USED TO BE. AND YET EVERYONE MAKES UPSET 475 00:48:27,040 --> 00:48:34,047 WHEN I MAKE THE SAME COMPLAINT ABOUT THE CAST OF "STRANGER THINGS." 476 00:48:34,047 --> 00:48:39,786 >> WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, MAN? IT WAS REPORTED THAT FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, A ROBOTIC 477 00:48:39,786 --> 00:48:48,128 POLICE DOG WAS SHOT IN THE LINE OF DUTY. WELL, NOW IT'S A ROBOTIC POLICE 478 00:48:48,128 --> 00:48:53,066 DOG. >> A SOCCER MATCH BETWEEN THE U.S. AND MEXICO WAS BRIEFLY 479 00:48:53,066 --> 00:48:57,937 STOPPED BECAUSE OF HOMOPHOBIC CHANTS FROM THE CROWD. MEANWHILE, HOMOPHOBIC CHANTS ARE 480 00:48:57,937 --> 00:49:02,609 OFFICIALLY HOW YOU START GAMES IN BOSTON. >> PET EXPERTS ARE WARNING 481 00:49:02,609 --> 00:49:10,383 PEOPLE NOT TO BRING THEIR DOGS TO WATCH NEXT MONTH'S SOLAR ECLIPSE SAYING IT COULD BE TOO 482 00:49:10,383 --> 00:49:13,920 STRESSFUL FOR THEM. PET EXPERTS ALSO WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THEY'RE LOOKING FOR 483 00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:22,562 REAL WORK. >> AN ELDERLY WOMAN IN ENGLAND WHO SPENT THE NIGHT CARING FOR A 484 00:49:22,562 --> 00:49:27,467 SICK HEDGE HOG WAS SHOCKED WHEN SHE TOOK THE ANIMAL TO THE VET AND DISCOVERED IT WAS ACTUALLY A 485 00:49:27,467 --> 00:49:34,040 POM PO FROM A HAT. SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T WAIT TO LAUGH ABOUT THE INCIDENT WITH 486 00:49:34,040 --> 00:49:39,479 HER HUSBAND. >> THAT'S SWEET. I LIKE THAT. 487 00:49:39,479 --> 00:49:44,951 >> THAT'S NICE. IN OTHER ANIMAL NEWS, AFTER FLACO, THE FAMOUS NEW YORK CITY 488 00:49:44,951 --> 00:49:51,358 OWL FLEW INTO A BUILDING AND DIED, AN AUTOPSY REVEALED HE HAD DANGEROUS AMOUNTS OF RAT POISON 489 00:49:51,358 --> 00:49:57,964 IN HIS SYSTEM AS WELL AS A SEVERE CASE OF PIGEON HERPES. HERE WITH HER REACTION TO THE 490 00:49:57,964 --> 00:50:03,737 NEWS IS FLACO'S WIDOW. >> HI, COLIN. I WISH I COULD BE HERE UNDER 491 00:50:03,737 --> 00:50:08,375 BETTER CIRCUMSTANCES. >> YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE THIS IS THE ONLY CIRCUMSTANCE YOU WOULD 492 00:50:08,375 --> 00:50:12,779 BE HERE UNDER. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LATE HUSBAND. 493 00:50:12,779 --> 00:50:19,619 >> WHO? >> YOUR LATE HUSBAND FLACO. >> OH, SORRY. 494 00:50:19,619 --> 00:50:25,692 I THOUGHT I SAW A MOUSE. HOO, HOO, HOO. >> ALL RIGHT. 495 00:50:25,692 --> 00:50:34,200 WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT FLACO'S AUTOPSY REVEALING HE HAD A SEVERE CASE OF PIGEON HERPES? 496 00:50:34,200 --> 00:50:39,606 >> THAT'S WHAT EVERY WIDOW WANTS TO HEAR, YOUR DEAD HUSBAND HAD SEVERE HERPES. 497 00:50:39,606 --> 00:50:45,645 BY THE WAY, WHY WAS THERE EVEN AN AUTOPSY? WHEN A BIRD BASICALLY EXPLODES 498 00:50:45,645 --> 00:50:53,119 INTO THE SIDE OF A BUILDING, WHO'S LIKE, HOW DID HE DIE? >> WELL, SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT 499 00:50:53,119 --> 00:50:58,758 AUTOPSIES CAN HELP BRING A SENSE OF CLOSURE. >> YEAH, BUT THE PHRASE PIGEON 500 00:50:58,758 --> 00:51:04,497 HERPES KIND OF RAISES MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS, COLIN. QUESTIONS LIKE IS THAT WHAT MY 501 00:51:04,497 --> 00:51:14,274 BUMPS ARE? AND HOW DID HE GET PIGEON HERPES WHEN THE ONLY PIGEON WE KNEW WAS 502 00:51:14,274 --> 00:51:19,079 OUR SEXY NANNY, AND WHY IS THE MEDIA ALWAYS TEARING GREAT MEN DOWN. 503 00:51:19,079 --> 00:51:26,353 YOU KNOW? IT'S ALWAYS FDR HAD A MISTRESS, OR MLK HAD A MISTRESS, OR COLIN 504 00:51:26,353 --> 00:51:33,460 JOST HAD AN UNDERAGED MISTRESS OR FLACO WENT BLIND FROM SEVERE HERPES. 505 00:51:33,460 --> 00:51:36,629 >> WAIT. WHAT? >> WHO? 506 00:51:36,629 --> 00:51:45,138 >> WHO? >> WHO, WHO, WHO? LOOK, COLIN, I'M NO DUMMY. 507 00:51:45,138 --> 00:51:52,412 FLACO BANGED ANYTHING WITH A PAIR OF WINGS. I MEAN, EAGLES, PARROTS, FLYING 508 00:51:52,412 --> 00:51:58,251 SQUIRRELS. I ONCE CAUGHT HIM DIPPING TIP IN A FROZEN TURKEY. 509 00:51:58,251 --> 00:52:05,425 AND I BET HE'S UP IN HEAVEN RIGHT NOW PUTTING IT DOWN IN ONE OF THOSE ANGELS. 510 00:52:05,425 --> 00:52:12,165 BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT IS, COLIN. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED TO A BIG-TIME CELEBRITY. 511 00:52:12,165 --> 00:52:16,169 THEY GET TO HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER THEY WANT, AND THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT, 512 00:52:16,169 --> 00:52:31,384 RIGHT, BROTHER? >> THEMS THE RULES. >> WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE 513 00:52:31,384 --> 00:52:36,356 PIGEONS? IT'S HUMILIATING. THEY'RE A BUNCH OF CRUMB-PECKING 514 00:52:36,356 --> 00:52:40,593 SKANKS. I GET IT. THEIR NECK GAME IS INSANE. 515 00:52:40,593 --> 00:52:45,565 >> OKAY. >> HOO, HOO, HOO. >> I'M -- YOU NO, I'M REALLY 516 00:52:45,565 --> 00:52:48,935 SORRY. I KNOW THIS MUST BE TOUGH FOR YOU. 517 00:52:48,935 --> 00:52:54,974 >> EW, COLIN, ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME? >> NO, I'M NOT. 518 00:52:54,974 --> 00:52:58,578 >> YOU KNOW MY HUSBAND JUST DIED, RIGHT? >> OKAY. 519 00:52:58,578 --> 00:53:02,816 I'M SORRY. >> ALTHOUGH, YOU ARE MY TYPE. >> WHAT TYPE IS THAT? 520 00:53:02,816 --> 00:53:10,857 >> A NOCTURNAL PREDATOR. >> FLACO'S WIDOW, EVERYONE. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN 521 00:53:10,857 --> 00:53:13,960 >> FLACO'S WIDOW, EVERYONE. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST, I|M MICHAEL CHE GOODNIGHT! 522 00:53:29,109 --> 00:53:35,081 >> LOOKS LIKE A MUGGING, DETECTIVE. HE WAS PICKING UP A PIZZA WHEN 523 00:53:35,081 --> 00:53:40,553 HE WAS STRUCK FROM BEHIND. >> WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT THE VIC? 524 00:53:40,553 --> 00:53:45,692 >> NO ID YET. HE'S MALE. WE'RE THINKING MID 40s. 525 00:53:45,692 --> 00:53:53,333 >> SHOULD GET ID RESULTS SOON. >> POOR BASTARD WAS JUST PICKING UP A PIZZA. 526 00:53:53,333 --> 00:54:06,046 WHAT DO YOU THINK, SIMS? >> I THINK -- HE SHOULD'VE ORDERED DELIVERY. 527 00:54:06,046 --> 00:54:11,918 >> YEAH. SO, BASED ON THE STATE OF THE BODY, I WOULD PUT TIME OF DEATH 528 00:54:11,918 --> 00:54:15,555 MAYBE YESTERDAY, 5:00 P.M. >> SO HE'S BEEN SITTING OUT HERE ALL NIGHT. 529 00:54:15,555 --> 00:54:18,558 >> YEAH. NO SIGNS OF A STRUGGLE. POOR GUY DIDN'T EVEN SEE HIM 530 00:54:18,558 --> 00:54:24,330 COMING. >> HOW YOU GUYS DOING? >> NOT GREAT. 531 00:54:24,330 --> 00:54:26,132 THE GUY'S DEAD. >> YEAH. TOTALLY. 532 00:54:26,132 --> 00:54:33,306 POOR GUY. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M THINKING THIS GUY -- SHOULD'VE 533 00:54:33,306 --> 00:54:42,082 ORDERED DELIVERY. >> YEAH, MAN. WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME. 534 00:54:42,082 --> 00:54:44,818 >> OH, YOU DID? >> YEAH. YOU WERE RIGHT NEXT TO US. 535 00:54:44,818 --> 00:54:50,990 >> OH, COOL. JUST MAKING SURE BECAUSE YOU GUYS DIDN'T REALLY LAUGH THE 536 00:54:50,990 --> 00:54:54,294 FIRST TIME. >> THERE ANY SIGNS OF THE MURDER WEAPON ANYWHERE? 537 00:54:54,294 --> 00:54:56,963 >> YEAH. THIS PIPE WAS FOUND NEXT TO THE BODY. 538 00:54:56,963 --> 00:55:04,070 WE THINK THIS MIGHT BE IT. >> PRETTY ROUGH SCENE, HUH? >> YEAH. 539 00:55:04,070 --> 00:55:08,475 PRETTY BAD. >> I WAS JUST TELLING THESE GUYS, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, 540 00:55:08,475 --> 00:55:14,080 BUT IF I WAS THIS GUY, I WOULD HAVE ORDERED -- >> DELIVERY, YEAH. 541 00:55:14,080 --> 00:55:16,483 SIMS, EVERYBODY HEARD YOUR JOKE, MAN. ALL RIGHT? 542 00:55:16,483 --> 00:55:21,354 IT'S JUST NOT FUNNY. WE DIDN'T LAUGH. >> YEAH, SIMS, A MAN IS DEAD. 543 00:55:21,354 --> 00:55:24,391 >> YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU GUYS ARE RIGHT. THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE, AND I'M 544 00:55:24,391 --> 00:55:28,495 SORRY. >> IT'S FINE. JUST LET IT GO. 545 00:55:28,495 --> 00:55:34,200 >> DETECTIVES, I'VE GOT THE ID RESULTS. THE VIC'S NAME IS RICHARD 546 00:55:34,200 --> 00:55:40,106 TURKLE. LIVES UP ON 133rd STREET. >> AND DID MR. TURKLE HAVE ANY 547 00:55:40,106 --> 00:55:44,377 KNOWN ENEMIES? BECAUSE BASED ON THE CRIME SCENE, IT'S CLEAR THAT SOMEBODY 548 00:55:44,377 --> 00:55:54,487 WANTED A PIZZA HIM. >> PIZZA HIM. >> THAT'S HILARIOUS. 549 00:55:54,487 --> 00:56:00,460 >> THAT'S FUNNY, BRO. >> THANKS, GUYS. IT JUST CAME TO ME. 550 00:56:00,460 --> 00:56:04,064 I DON'T KNOW HOW. IT'S SO FUNNY. >> THE HELL WAS THAT? 551 00:56:04,064 --> 00:56:08,768 >> SORRY, MAN. IT WAS JUST A LITTLE JOKE. >> NO. 552 00:56:08,768 --> 00:56:11,538 NO. IT WASN'T A JOKE. IT WAS A PUN. 553 00:56:11,538 --> 00:56:17,744 YOU'RE ALL CREAMING YOUR JEANS FOR A PUN! >> I'M SORRY. 554 00:56:17,744 --> 00:56:22,215 NO MORE JOKES. A MAN IS DEAD. LET'S JUST HAVE SOME RESPECT. 555 00:56:22,215 --> 00:56:27,454 >> I GOT MRS. TURKLE HERE, THE WIDOW, TO CONFIRM IS ID. >> IS THAT HIM? 556 00:56:27,454 --> 00:56:35,128 IS THAT RICH? >> WE THINK SO, MRS. TURKLE. WE JUST NEED YOU TO CONFIRM. 557 00:56:35,128 --> 00:56:39,299 >> WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT HIM? HE WAS THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. 558 00:56:39,299 --> 00:56:43,536 HE MADE ME SMILE. HE MADE ME LAUGH. >> SENSE OF HUMOR. 559 00:56:43,536 --> 00:56:47,173 THAT'S SO IMPORTANT. IT'S GOOD THAT HE HAD ONE. >> YEAH. 560 00:56:47,173 --> 00:56:51,578 HE WAS ALWAYS SPREADING LAUGHTER. HE WAS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE. 561 00:56:51,578 --> 00:56:56,316 >> A GUY WHO JUST WANTS TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH. MAYBE SOMETIMES SAYS THE WRONG 562 00:56:56,316 --> 00:56:59,853 THING, BUT HE DON'T MEAN NO HARM. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. 563 00:56:59,853 --> 00:57:10,263 >> NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER LAUGH AGAIN. >> I MEAN -- I WAS KIND OF 564 00:57:10,263 --> 00:57:13,933 SAYING A JOKE TO THESE GUYS A SECOND AGO. >> DETECTIVE, NO. 565 00:57:13,933 --> 00:57:20,473 >> NO, PLEASE, IT'S STRANGE, BUT A JOKE WOULD BE NICE. IT WOULD REMIND ME OF RICHARD. 566 00:57:20,473 --> 00:57:30,684 >> I WAS JUST -- I WAS JUST SAYING TO THESE GUYS BECAUSE OF THE -- YOU NO, WE'RE AT A PIZZA 567 00:57:30,684 --> 00:57:35,889 PLACE. I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M LOOKING AROUND, AND I DON'T KNOW 568 00:57:35,889 --> 00:57:43,396 ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M KIND OF THINKING THIS GUY -- SHOULD'VE ORDERED DELIVERY. 569 00:57:54,174 --> 00:58:06,786 >>> ONCE AGAIN, TRAVIS SCOTT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** 570 00:58:06,786 --> 00:58:11,624 * JUST COME OUTSIDE FOR THE NIGHT TAKE YOUR TIME 571 00:58:11,624 --> 00:58:22,202 GET YOUR LIGHT * * JOHNNY DANG, YEAH, YEAH I BEEN OUT GEEKIN' * 572 00:58:22,202 --> 00:58:26,339 SHUT IT DOWN * * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * 573 00:58:26,339 --> 00:58:29,576 * FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN * 574 00:58:29,576 --> 00:58:37,117 * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * * THE CAREER'S MORE AT STAKE 575 00:58:37,117 --> 00:58:41,955 WHEN YOU IN YOUR PRIME -- THAT PAPER, BABY MY FACE ON THE DOTTED LINE * 576 00:58:41,955 --> 00:58:46,860 * I BEEN FLYIN' OUT OF TOWN FOR SOME PEACE OF MIND IT'S LIKE ALWAYS THEY JUST 577 00:58:46,860 --> 00:58:50,130 WANT A PIECE OF MINE * * I BEEN FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE 578 00:58:50,130 --> 00:58:53,433 NEVER ON RIGHT NOW WHAT I'M SIPPIN' * * NOT KOMBUCHA 579 00:58:53,433 --> 00:58:57,737 EITHER PINK OR BROWN I'M THE ONE THAT INTRODUCED YOU TO THE * 580 00:58:57,737 --> 00:59:02,042 * YOU RIGHT NOW YEAH OH MY GOD THAT -- BITIN' 581 00:59:02,042 --> 00:59:09,049 OH MY GOD * * TRYNA VIBE IN THE NIGHT, COME ALIVE 582 00:59:09,049 --> 00:59:14,454 AIN'T ASLEEP, AIN'T-A AIN'T-A, AIN'T-A * * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN 583 00:59:14,454 --> 00:59:19,325 FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN * * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN 584 00:59:19,325 --> 00:59:24,698 FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN * 585 00:59:24,698 --> 00:59:42,515 * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * * SYRUP, WHAT, WOAH, WHAT 586 00:59:42,515 --> 00:59:50,090 WHAT, YEAH WHAT, YEAH * ** 587 00:59:50,090 --> 00:59:52,258 * I JUST BEEN POPPIN' MY AND GETTIN' IT LIVE HOLD UP WOAH 588 00:59:52,258 --> 00:59:54,394 YEAH, YOU TRY TO COME * * WRONG 'BOUT THIS WE POPPIN' YOUR TIRES 589 00:59:54,394 --> 00:59:58,698 HOLD UP UH, HUNDRED-ROUND * * FEELIN' LIKE I'M ON TEN 590 00:59:58,698 --> 01:00:01,067 PLAYIN' BOTH SIDES WITH THESE SHAWTY, I'M -- YOUR FRIEND * 591 01:00:01,067 --> 01:00:05,205 * I'VE BEEN GOIN' CRAZY SHAWTY, I'VE BEEN IN THE DEEP END * 592 01:00:05,205 --> 01:00:10,043 * SHE NOT INNOCENT SHE JUST TRYNA GO * * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN 593 01:00:10,043 --> 01:00:18,151 FEIN, FEIN, FEIN, YEAH OH, OH FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * 594 01:00:18,151 --> 01:00:20,820 * I JUST BEEN ICIN' MY I JUST BEEN DRIPPIN' MY THIS IS A WHOLE 595 01:00:20,820 --> 01:00:23,523 'NOTHER LEVEL, SHAWTY * * I GOT THESE -- ON THEY TOES 596 01:00:23,523 --> 01:00:26,760 I PUT THE -- ON THE ROAD, SHE TRYNA * * ON THE O 597 01:00:26,760 --> 01:00:30,563 I GOT THIS -- WITH ME SHE TRYNA SHOW ME SOMETHIN' HOLD UP, HOLD UP * 598 01:00:30,563 --> 01:00:34,501 * I GOT FLOWS FOR DAYS THESE -- AIN'T ON NOTHIN' ME AND MY BOY LOCKED IN 599 01:00:34,501 --> 01:00:39,773 YOU KNOW WE ON ONE * * WE IN THE SPOT GOIN' CRAZY UNTIL THE SUN UP 600 01:00:39,773 --> 01:00:44,110 YOU WORRIED ABOUT THAT THAT -- DONE CHOSE UP * * UH, PISTOLS ALL 601 01:00:44,110 --> 01:00:47,380 IN THE KITCHEN CAN'T GIVE THE ZIP CODE UP WOW * 602 01:00:47,380 --> 01:00:53,319 * FEIN, FEIN, FEIN WHY THE -- THESE -- ACTIN' LIKE THEY KNOW US 603 01:00:53,319 --> 01:00:57,657 DOUBLE O, CACTUS YEAH * * WE TOWED UP SKRRT SKRRT SWITCH OUT THE BAG 604 01:00:57,657 --> 01:01:00,894 THESE -- GET ROLLED UP HOLD UP IT'S LIT * * EVERYTHING HIT 605 01:01:00,894 --> 01:01:10,770 EVERYTHING FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * 606 01:01:10,770 --> 01:01:14,841 FEIN, FEIN, FEIN FEIN, FEIN, FEIN * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 607 01:01:39,232 --> 01:01:42,502 >> LOVE THAT SONG. >> YEAH. THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD. 608 01:01:42,502 --> 01:01:48,008 >> THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH, NPR. WE HAVE THE JONAH HUGHES BAND. 609 01:01:48,008 --> 01:01:53,847 I'M JONAH HUGHES. THAT LAST ONE USUALLY HAS A LOT MORE SINGT, BUT SINCE THIS IS A 610 01:01:53,847 --> 01:02:00,754 TINY DESK CONCERT, WE GOT TO BE QUIRKING IT UP. >> THAT'S WHY I PLAY A MILK 611 01:02:00,754 --> 01:02:07,560 CARTON SHAKER. >> SHE IS USUALLY ON THE CELLO. NOW WE'RE JOINED BY OUR DRUMMER. 612 01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:10,463 THE GOOSE. >> QUACK. I'M KIDDING. 613 01:02:10,463 --> 01:02:17,437 GOOSE IS A NICKNAME. MY SPECIES IS HUMAN. >> GOOSE IS SO FUNNY, MAN. 614 01:02:17,437 --> 01:02:23,443 WE'VE NEVER ACTUALLY PLAYED IN AN OFFICE BEFORE, LIKE A REAL ONE, BUT BEING HERE IS A DREAM 615 01:02:23,443 --> 01:02:26,913 COME TRUE. THE NEXT SONG IS ABOUT AN EX OF MINE. 616 01:02:26,913 --> 01:02:37,090 IT'S CALLED, CRAZY GIRL, PARENTHESES, AMANDA * MET YOU AND YOU SEEMED NICE, 617 01:02:37,090 --> 01:02:43,496 BUT WE WERE LIKE FIRE AND ICE, YOUR BODY IS GOOD, BUT YOUR MIND IS BAD -- 618 01:02:43,496 --> 01:02:47,267 >> HI. CAN WE BE QUIET, PLEASE? SOME OF US ARE WORKING. 619 01:02:47,267 --> 01:02:49,202 >> SORRY. WHAT? >> YEAH. 620 01:02:49,202 --> 01:02:53,640 WE'RE ON A CALL, AND RIGHT NOW THERE'S A LITTLE TOO MUCH RUCKUS. 621 01:02:53,640 --> 01:02:56,810 >> OH. WELL, WE'RE DOING A TINY DESK CONCERT HERE. 622 01:02:56,810 --> 01:03:04,284 IT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL FOR US. >> WELL, THIS IS NPR, SO EVERY DAY IS LIKE A BIG DEAL FOR US. 623 01:03:04,284 --> 01:03:09,222 SO CAN WE KEEP THE RUCKUS DOWN? THANK YOU MUCH. >> OKAY. 624 01:03:09,222 --> 01:03:13,526 I GUESS I'LL JUST KEEP GOING. I MEAN, IS THAT GUY LIKE IMPORTANT HERE OR SOMETHING? 625 01:03:13,526 --> 01:03:16,629 >> NO. THAT'S ELLIOTT. HE'S A NEW INTERN. 626 01:03:16,629 --> 01:03:26,172 BUT HE'S 35. HE SAID HE GOES TO SUNY NEWARK. >> SOMEONE TOLD ME HE'S WORKING 627 01:03:26,172 --> 01:03:32,078 ON A NEW PODCAST ABOUT AI AND RURAL QUEERS. >> WELL, THAT SOUNDS 628 01:03:32,078 --> 01:03:35,448 INTERESTING. >> YEAH. IT'S BEYOND INTERESTING 629 01:03:35,448 --> 01:03:40,086 ACTUALLY, I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE WE'VE LANDED ON A TITLE. 630 01:03:40,086 --> 01:03:44,290 IT'S CALLED BEEP BOOP I'M GAY NOW. IT'S A PLAY ON WAIT, WAIT DON'T 631 01:03:44,290 --> 01:03:49,829 TELL ME. BUT IT'S NOT FUNNY AT ALL. IT'S GOING TO BE POIGNANT, 632 01:03:49,829 --> 01:03:53,099 IMPORTANT, AND REALLY FUNNY. >> YOU JUST SAID IT WASN'T GOING TO BE FUNNY. 633 01:03:53,099 --> 01:03:58,538 >> DON'T SPEAK FOR WHAT I HAVE SAID. ALL I'M ASKING IS, WHAT'S WITH 634 01:03:58,538 --> 01:04:04,377 ALL THE RUCKUS, AND WHAT DO WE OWE EACH OTHER? IN A DIVIDED AMERICA, WHAT IS 635 01:04:04,377 --> 01:04:12,118 MUSIC? MORE ON THIS WHEN WE COME BACK. >> WHO WAS HE TALKING TO? 636 01:04:12,118 --> 01:04:18,324 >> I DON'T KNOW. LET'S JUST KEEP GOING. OUR NEXT SONG IS CALLED CRAZY 637 01:04:18,324 --> 01:04:25,198 AMANDA, PARENTHESES, AND STUPID TOO. * I MET THAT GIRL, AND IT WAS 638 01:04:25,198 --> 01:04:28,601 GOOD FOR A WEEK -- >> HI. SORRY. 639 01:04:28,601 --> 01:04:33,440 REMEMBER ME FROM ASKING YOU TO BE QUIET? STILL WORKING HERE. 640 01:04:33,440 --> 01:04:36,843 NEVERTHELESS, THE RUCKUS PERSISTED. >> DUDE, DON'T DO THAT. 641 01:04:36,843 --> 01:04:43,183 >> I'M JUST ON AN IMPORTANT ZOOM WITH IRA AND TERRY, GLASS AND GROSS. 642 01:04:43,183 --> 01:04:47,153 >> COME ON, ELLIOTT! IT'S TINY DESK. THIS IS OUR BIGGEST THING. 643 01:04:47,153 --> 01:04:51,391 >> BIGGEST THING SO FAR. SPEAKING OF BIG, I'M BRAVE ENOUGH TO SAY IT. 644 01:04:51,391 --> 01:04:57,097 THAT DESK IS NOT TINY. NEVER WAS. JUST FEELS SMALL BECAUSE THERE'S 645 01:04:57,097 --> 01:05:01,701 SO MUCH CRAP ON IT. BY THE WAY, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AN EMAIL. 646 01:05:01,701 --> 01:05:07,240 >> HOW? I MEAN, THIS CONCERT IS -- SERIOUSLY, LET US FINISH OUR 647 01:05:07,240 --> 01:05:13,446 SET, BROTHER. EVERY TIME WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE IT BIG, WE GET INTERRUPTED. 648 01:05:13,446 --> 01:05:22,822 >> THE DESK IS REPRESENTED, OUR SHOW TODAY BRINGS US TO RURAL WASHINGTON D.C. 649 01:05:22,822 --> 01:05:28,561 >> WE'RE NOT DOING A PODCAST. >> HIS CAREER MARKED BY MOMENTS OF INTERRUPTION. 650 01:05:28,561 --> 01:05:30,830 WELCOME TO THE SHOW, JOHNNY HUGHES. >> HEY, MAN. 651 01:05:30,830 --> 01:05:34,868 BIG FAN OF THE POD. THANKS FOR HAVING ME. >> OKAY. 652 01:05:36,369 --> 01:05:42,809 YOU'RE DOING A PODCAST NOW? >> WHEN I ARRIVED, IT TURNED OUT THE RUCKUS HAD BEEN MUSIC, AND 653 01:05:42,809 --> 01:05:47,580 THE BAND HAD WRITTEN ME A THEME SONG. LET'S TAKE A LISTEN. 654 01:05:47,580 --> 01:05:51,484 >> YEAH. HOW ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE, ONE, TWO, THREE -- 655 01:05:51,484 --> 01:05:59,092 * IF YOU'RE GAY OR A ROBOT IN A SMALL RURAL TOWN, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP BOOP * 656 01:06:17,210 --> 01:06:27,087 >>> BIG THANKS TO TRAVIS SCOTT. AND ALL OF YOU WATCHING, THANK YOU. 657 01:06:27,087 --> 01:06:33,093 GIVE IT UP FOR THIS CREW. THIS IS THE MOST AMAZING CREW. THIS CAST. 658 01:06:33,093 --> 01:06:40,500 THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD. THANK YOU SNL. GOOD NIGHT.