>>> GOOD AFTERNOON, I'M DANA BASH, AND WELCOME TO INSIDE
POLITICS. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] COMING UP, WE'LL GIVE WOLF
BLITZER AN EDIBLE AND AN HOUR TO SOLVE THE MIDDLE EAST. BUT FIRST, ON TUESDAY, PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN WON THE WISH PRIMARY, BUT A NEW YORK TIMES POLL HAS HIM DOWN FIVE POINTS, AND MANY
VOTERS STILL HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT HIS AGE. HERE WITH ME IS GOVERNOR OF
CALIFORNIA AND BIDEN ADVOCATE, GAVIN NEWSOM. >> GREAT TO BE WITH YOU, DANA.
I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S AGE, BUT THEY SHOULD CARE ABOUT HIS RECORD.
HE'S CREATED MORE JOBS THAN ANY PRESIDENT IN HISTORY, INFLATION IS DOWN, THE SHAMROCK SHAKE IS
BACK, AND BEYONCE HAS GONE COUNTRY. THANK YOU, JOE.
>> RIGHT. BUT CAN HE MAKE THAT CASE WITH THE SPEED AND SHARPNESS THAT
SOMEONE LIKE YOU CAN? >> JOE CAN DO IT BETTER. BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, JOE IS
INCREDIBLE. YESTERDAY WE HAD A BIG MEETING ABOUT THE BORDER, AND HE HAD
SUCH COMMAND. HE HAD CHARTS, TABLES, POWER POINTS, HE HAD AN INTERACTIVE AR
DISPLAY ON THE APPLE VISION PRO THAT HE PROGRAMMED HIMSELF. THE SOFTWARE MIGHT BE IN BETA,
BUT THE MAN IS AN ALPHA. >> I'M A LITTLE SKEPTICAL THIS IS THE SAME MAN PEOPLE CALL
SLEEPY JOE. >> WELL, HE HAS TO SLEEP, DANA. EVEN WHEN HE'S SLEEPING, HE'S
ON. THE OTHER DAY, HE WAS TAKING A NAP, AND I WHIPPED A BASEBALL AT
HIM AND HE CAUGHT IT LIGHTNING QUICK. >> LET'S GO LIVE TO WASHINGTON
WITH KARINE JEAN-PIERRE. >> HELLO. PLEASURE TO BE WITH YOU TO TALK
ABOUT THE MOST VIGOROUS MAN I'VE EVER KNOWN, JOE BIDEN. I WAS JUST WITH HIM, AND BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS, HE'S A WHIRLWIND. LOOK AT HIS SCHEDULE. 7:00 A.M., SOUL CYCLE CLASS, AND
HE LEADS IT. 8:30 A.M., PLAY SPEED CHESS IN THE PARK.
8:32 A.M., WINS CHESS GAME, POINTS AT OPPONENT AND SAYS, NEXT TIME YOUNG BLOOD.
9:30 A.M., MEET WITH JOINT CHIEFS FOR A MILITARY STRATEGY NEATING AND PUSHUP CONTEST.
WINS CONTEST, POINTS AT THE HEAD OF THE JOINT CHIEFS AND SAYS, NEXT TIME YOUNG BLOOD.
THEN, TRAIN TIME. THAT'S ALL BEFORE A LUNCH WHERE HE EATS FIVE WHOLE CHICKENS AND
A RAW POTATO. >> BIDEN IS 81 YEARS OLD. ISN'T THAT A LITTLE CONCERNING?
>> ONLY IF YOU'RE SCARED OF WISDOM. JOE BIDEN WAS 34 YEARS OLD
BEFORE ROE VERSUS WADE WAS STATED, SO YOU KNOW HE WAS SMASHING.
HE DEALT WITH THOSE RESTRICTIONS THEN AS A YOUNG HANDSOME MAN, AND HE CAN DEAL WITH THEM NOW AS
AN OLD EVEN MORE HANDSOME MAN. ASK ANYONE WHO WORKS WITH HIM CLOSELY.
>> WE ARE NOW JOINED BY ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS. >> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I'M EXHAUSTED. I WAS WITH JOE BIDEN FOR THE PAST WEEKEND, AND HE WIPED ME
OUT. >> SO YOU FEEL HE'S UP TO THE JOB?
>> DANA, I WAS JUST WITH HIM, AND BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, HE'S A DYNAMO.
THIS WEEKEND, WE WENT DOWN TO THE BORDER TOWN OF BROWNSVILLE, TEXAS, AND JOE WENT TO BEAST
MODE. HE SAID, WE GOT TO TIGHTEN THIS BORDER, THEN HE WENT UP TO THE
TOP OF THE BORDER WALL, FRONT FLIPPED INTO THE RIO GRAND AND CAME BACK UP WITH A FISH IN HIS
MOUTH. BUT YOU DIDN'T REPORT THAT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FIT YOUR
NARRATIVE. >> WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, IT DOESN'T FIT REALITY.
>> PLEASE. WE WERE ALL JUST WITH HIM. IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE US, ASK ONE
OF THE NBA'S FIERCEST PLAYERS, DRAYMOND GREEN. >> LET'S GO LIVE TO SAN
FRANCISCO. HELLO, MR. GREEN. >> WHAT'S UP, DANA.
WE TALKING ABOUT JOE BIDEN? BECAUSE HE GOT THAT DOG IN HIM. >> YOU MET THE PRESIDENT?
>> BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, HE IS STRONG. THAT MAN CAN JUMP SO HIGH THAT I
SAW HIM GRAB A DOLLAR OFF THE BACK OF A BACK BOARD AND LEAVE SOME CHANGE.
DID YOU KNOW HE DUNKED ON ME? >> HE DUNKED ON YOU? >> YEAH, IT WAS DISRESPECTFUL
TOO. HE WIND MILLED IN MY FACE TALKING ABOUT, YEAH, NEXT TIME
YOUNG BLOOD. I WASN'T HAVING IT SO I TRY TODAY PUNCH HIM IN THE NUTS AND
BROKE THREE FINGERS. YOU CAN'T MESS WITH JOE, MAN. >> GOVERNOR, I HAVE TO SAY WE
ALL KNOW THE STAKES HERE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXAGGERATE TO MAKE VOTERS FEEL BETTER.
>> I'M NOT. WHAT WE ARE SAYING ABOUT BIDEN IS TRUE.
YOU WANT TO CALL HIM? LET'S FACE TIME HIM. I'LL BET HE'S PROBABLY IN THE
MIDDLE OF A BIKE RIDE. CAN YOU PUT MY PHONE UP ON THE SCREEN?
>> HEY! HEY, ALL RIGHT! IT'S GAVIN NEWSOM.
>> MR. PRESIDENT? >> HOLD ON. I'M JUST GOING TO TURN UP THE
VOLUME. JUST GOT TO FIND THE BUTTON. THERE WE --
>> WELL, LOOKS LIKE HE HUNG UP. >> WHILE THE GOVERNOR TRIES TO GET HIM BACK ON THE LINE, LET'S
TAKE A BREAK, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING -- A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T
DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- KACEY MUSGRAVES.
AND YOUR HOST -- SYDNEY SWEENEY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS SYDNEY SWEENEY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN ANYONE BUT YOU OR EUPHORIA. YOU DEFINITELY DID NOT SEE ME IN
MADAM WEB. BUT I DO HAVE A NEW FILM COMING OUT CALLED IMMACULATE.
I PLAY A NUN, SO IT'S PERFECT CASTING. BUT TONIGHT, I'M EXCITED FOR
EVERYONE TO GET TO KNOW THE REAL ME. I FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ONLY SEE ME
AS THE GIRL ON TV WHO SCREAMS, CRIES, AND HAS SEX. SOMETIMES IT'S ALL THREE AT THE
SAME TIME. BUT I'M MORE THAN THAT. I'M FROM A TOWN CALLED SPOKANE
RIGHT ON THE BORDER OF WASHINGTON AND IDAHO. I FEEL A BOND TO BOTH STATES,
LIKE WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHERE ARE YOU FROM, I SAY WASHINGTON. BUT WHEN PEOPLE ASK DID YOU GO
TO A TRUMP-THEMED PARTY FOR YOUR MOM, I SAY, IDAHO. IT WAS ALWAYS MY DREAM TO BE AN
ACTOR. WHEN I WAS YOUNGER, MY PARENTS DROVE ME FROM SPOKANE TO LOS
ANGELES JUST TO AUDITION. THAT'S A 19-HOUR DRIVE. AND I'M SO GRATEFUL TO THEM FOR
BELIEVING IN ME. AND I THINK THE REASON THEY DID IS BECAUSE I PRESENTED THEM WITH
A FIVE-POINT PLAN TO BREAK INTO ACTING. I STILL HAVE IT.
CHECK IT OUT. IT SAYS, AUDITION, GET AN AGENT, DO COMMERCIALS AND SHORT FILMS,
THEN GET MY SAG CARD. BUT IF THAT FAILED, I ALSO PRESENTED THEM WITH A BACKUP
PLAN. NEXT SLIDE. WHILE I'M UP HERE, I DO WANT TO
TALK ABOUT SOME STUFF I'VE SEEN ABOUT ME ONLINE. LIKE I ONCE SAID THAT I USED TO
WORK AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS, AND SOMEONE ONLINE ACCUSED ME OF LYING ABOUT THAT, WHICH IS
INSANE. IF I DIDN'T WORK THERE, HOW WOULD I KNOW ALL THE UNIVERSAL
CHARACTERS LIKE SHROK, THE MUNIONS AND HARRY PORTER. THEN A WOMAN WENT VIRAL ON
TIKTOK BECAUSE SHE CLAIMED SHE'S MY NUTRITIONIST. I'M IN SHAPE BECAUSE I RUN,
AVOID SUGAR, AND DO OZEMPIC. BUT THE CRAZIEST RUMOR IS THAT I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH MY
COSTAR GLENN POWELL. THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE. ME AND MY FIANCE PRODUCED THE
MOVIE TOGETHER, AND HE WAS THERE THE ENTIRE SHOOT. AND I JUST WANT TO LET EVERYONE
KNOW THAT HE'S THE MAN OF MY DREAMS, AND WE'RE STILL TOGETHER AND STRONGER THAN EVER.
HE EVEN CAME HERE TONIGHT TO SUPPORT ME. CAN WE CUT TO HIM?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THAT'S NOT MY FIANCE. HE'S IN MY DRESSING ROOM!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. KACEY MUSGRAVES IS HERE
STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK
IT'S MONDAY. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. IT'S TIME TO TOUCH BASE ON OUR
LOGS OF COLD CASES. FIRST WE HAVE TWO NEW INTERNS HERE FOR COLLEGE CREDIT.
EVERYBODY, LET'S WELCOME OLIVIA AND KAIA. GIRLS, WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
ABOUT YOURSELVES? >> HI. >> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. FIRST UP, WE HAVE CASE FILE 442 -- OH, LOOK AT THAT.
BEAUTIFUL NAKED WOMAN'S BODY FOUND IN THE LAKE. >> YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT. WE SUSPECT IT WAS THE HUSBAND AND THE MOTIVE WAS AN AFFAIR.
BUT STILL DON'T HAVE THE EVIDENCE TO PIN IT ON HIM. OUR LAST LEAD WAS A PLANE TICKET
WE FOUND IN HIS TRASH, BUT THE TRAIL'S GONE COLD. >> FOUND HIM.
>> WHAT'S THAT? >> HE'S IN DELTONA. >> WHAT?
HOW DID YOU FIND HIM? >> INSTAGRAM, DUH. >> YEAH.
IT WAS EASY. I LOCKED INTO MY TROLL ACCOUNT AND SAW WE HAD A MUTUAL, SO I
PEEPED HER IG, AND HE'S LITERALLY ON GRID. THE RECEIPTS ARE ALL THERE.
>> WELL, THAT'S VERY GOOD. HOW DID YOU DO THAT? >> WE'RE 22-YEAR-OLD GIRLS IN
SITUATIONSHIPS. WE CAN FIND OUT ANYTHING ABOUT ANYONE WITH LITERALLY NO
INFORMATION. >> MY SCREEN TIME IS 23 HOURS A DAY, AND THE OTHER HOUR, I'M
SHOPLIFTING FROM BRANDI MELVILLE. >> ALL RIGHT THEN.
COOL, COOL, COOL. CASE CLOSED. I GUESS WE CAN MOVE ON TO CASE
FILE 729. LOOK AT THAT, ANOTHER PRETTY NAKED WOMAN.
THIS TIME IN THE WOODS. >> THAT'S RIGHT, BOSS. WE SUSPECT IT WAS HER HIKING
BUDDY TONY. HE CLAIMS HE WAS AT LUNCH WITH HIS MOTHER AT THE TIME, BUT I
BET THAT'S BS. >> HOW OLD IS HE? >> HE'S 40.
>> SO FACEBOOK. >> TONY'S ON THE LAM BUT BASED ON HIS CELL PHONE DATA, WE CAN
LOCATE HIM TO IT, ARIZONA, AND RHODE ISLAND. >> FOUND HIM.
HERE. WE'LL SHOW YOU. HIS FACEBOOK IS PRIVATE, BUT HIS
MOM'S IS VERY MUCH PUBLIC. SHE POSTS WHAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A DIARY ENTRY EVERY
DAY. >> ON TUESDAY, SHE WROTE I GOT LUNCH WITH MY BEAUTIFUL SON,
SPLIT THE FAJITAS, I LOVE MY SON. >> WOW.
WE ARE REALLY BLOWING THROUGH THESE. ALL RIGHT.
CASE NUMBER 904. ALL RIGHT. MAN, ANOTHER GORGEOUS LADY FOUND
DEAD INSIDE THE MALL. >> STOP CALLING THEM GORGEOUS. >> I'M SORRY.
CAKED UP? ANYWAY, WE THINK IT MIGHT BE CONNECTED TO A BURGLARY AT THE
AUNTIE ANNIE'S. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I FOUND THE MANAGER'S DIGITS SO
I SHOT HIM A TEXT, BUT IT WASN'T VERY BUSSEN, CAP? >> YOU DON'T GOT TO TALK LIKE
THEM. >> GOT IT. >> FOUND THEM.
SO I DID A SEARCH, AND THEN I GOT BORED AND ORDERED A SHIRT ON DEPOP, AND THEN DOMINOS WAS
LIKE, I MISS YOU, AND I WAS LIKE, FINE, I'LL GET A PIZZA. >> AND THEN FROM TUMBLER, I
FOUND HIS TWITTER -- SORRY, X -- AND THEN A TOOK A BUZZ FEED QUIZ.
>> I TOOK THAT SAME BUZZ FEED QUIZ. WHY DID YOU GET ANDY COHEN?
I AIN'T TRIPPING THOUGH. I LIKE A LITTLE FRUIT IN MY SALAD.
>> SO THEN I WATCHED HIS SNAP CHAT STORY AND IT WAS JUST HIM WITH A BUNCH OF SOFT PRETZELS
AND CASH. AND YEAH, I HAVE SCREEN SHOTS, SO YEA.
>> WELL, I THOUGHT YOU COULDN'T TAKE SCREEN SHOTS ON SNAP CHAT, THAT THE WHOLE POINT IS THAT YOU
CAN SEND WHATEVER. >> NO. YOU DEFINITELY CAN TAKE SCREEN
SHOTS. >> I HAVE TO GO. >> WELL, WE ARE DEFINITELY GOING
TO HAVE A MEETING FOR THAT TOMORROW. ANYWAY, ON TO THE NEXT CASE.
>> PLEASE, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME. >> OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS.
A GORGEOUS FULLY CLOTHED WOMAN. >> MY HUSBAND, I THOUGHT HE WAS ON A BUSINESS TRIP, AND HE
HASN'T COME HOME FOR SIX WEEKS. >> FOUND HIM. GIRL, HE'S ON LOVE IS BLIND.
>> HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME? >> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, OLIVIA AND KAIA JUST FINISHED ALL THE WORK WE HAD PLANNED FOR THE NEXT TWO YEARS,
SO Y'ALL WANT TO PLAY UNO. >> IS THIS YOUR ONLYFANS? >> IS THIS YOUR ONLYFANS?
>> NO, IT IS NOT. I HAVE TO GO.
GONE. >> MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO HOME. >> HEY, GUYS.
>> OH, HEY SYDNEY. >> WHAT'S WRONG? >> I DON'T WANT TO BURDEN YOU
WITH THIS, BUT ONE OF OUR FRIENDS JUST PASSED. >> THAT'S HORRIBLE.
I'M SO SORRY. >> YEAH. >> DO YOU MIND IF I ASK WHAT
HAPPENED? >> SURE. GOD, HE WAS ON VACATION IN
ARIZONA, AND -- THIS IS GOING TO SOUND LIKE A JOKE -- BUT A DONKEY KICKED HIM IN THE NUTS SO
HARD HE FELL INTO THE GRAND CANYON. >> WHAT?
>> MAYBE LET'S NOT LAUGH ABOUT OUR FRIEND WHO JUST DIED. >> WAIT, YOU'RE BEING SERIOUS?
>> YEAH. BUT THE IMPACT DIDN'T KILL HIM BECAUSE -- AND I KNOW THIS
SOUNDS SILLY, BUT HE WAS ON ROLLER SKATES. >> SO HE --
>> SHREDDED THE GRAND CANYON LIKE A HALF PIPE, YEAH. >> WOW, THAT'S --
>> BUT WHEN HE LANDED ON THE OTHER SIDE -- AND I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CARTOONISH, BUT
HE SKADOOSH'D OFF A FAT GUY'S STOMACH LIKE KUNG FU PANDA AND EXPLODED ON SITE.
>> YOU GUYS AREN'T MESSING WITH ME? >> NO.
>> WHAT WAS HIS NAME? >> REVEREND BUTT CHEEK P. ROSENTHAL.
>> HE WAS SUCH AN AMAZING GUY. HE WAS 4'3", AND -- THIS IS GOING TO SOUND IMPROBABLE, BUT
1,500 POUNDS. >> HIS DAD'S IN SHOW BUSINESS. >> WHO WAS HIS DAD?
>> CHEF BOYARDEE. >> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS, BUT IT'S NOT OKAY TO LIE ABOUT
THIS KIND OF STUFF. >> IF YOU REALLY DON'T BELIEVE US, THERE'S A VIDEO OF THE
INCIDENT. IT'S REALLY HARD TO WATCH. >> HEY, GET A VIDEO OF ME WITH
THIS DONKEY. >> BUTT CHEEK, GET AWAY FROM THE EDGE.
>> OW, MY NUTS! I'M DOING IT, I'M SHREDDING THE GRAND CANYON!
I'M DOING IT! I'M SHREDDING THE GRAND CANYON! >> YEAH.
>> I'M SO SORRY, YOU GUYS. SO IT WAS ALL TRUE. >> YEAH.
>> ALL OF IT. >> MR. BOYARDEE. >> FOR LIFE'S TOUGHEST MOMENTS,
CHEF BOYARDEE.
THE CHEER SQUAD WAS A DISASTER WITHOUT YOU. >> WE WERE TRASH WITHOUT YOU.
>> I KNOW. SO HOW WAS THE GAME? >> OKAY.
WE WERE LOSING BAD, BUT THEN THE COACH SUBBED IN A NEW PLAYER, AND HE WAS FIRE.
THE OTHER TEAM COMPLAINED, BUT THERE WAS NO RULES SAYING HE COULDN'T PLAY.
>> HE TOTALLY TURNED THE GAME AROUND. EVERYONE WAS ON THEIR FEET
CHEERING, AND HE WAS SO CUTE. >> WAIT, THERE'S A NEW STAR BASKETBALL PLAYER, AND I'M NOT
DATING HIM? WHAT'S HIS NAME? >> AIR BUD.
>> STEP ASIDE, LADIES. THIS ONE IS MINE. >> OH, HEY, WHAT'S UP ROCHELLE?
>> MOVE. HEY. YOU'RE BUD, RIGHT?
I'M ROCHELLE, HEAD CHEERLEADER. THAT'S A COOL TONGUE. GOD, YOU'RE SO HAIRY.
I LOVE THAT. ARE YOU ITALIAN? SO I HEARD YOU HAD QUITE THE
GAME ON FRIDAY. I'M SO SORRY I MISSED THAT. I WAS ON VACATION IN THE VIRGIN
ISLANDS WEARING A BIKINI. SHUT UP! I'M NOT EVEN THAT TAN!
OH, MY GOD, WAIT, I LOVE YOUR NECKLACE. I AM MICRO CHIPPED.
OH, MY GOD, THAT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. I'M INTO POETRY TOO. >> HEY, ROCHELLE, HE'S A DOG.
>> WHATEVER, TYLER. YOU HAD YOUR SHOT WITH ME AND YOU BLEW IT.
I GAVE YOU A CHANCE TO CHANGE AND YOU REFUSED. >> HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO GET
TALLER? >> IF YOU CARED ABOUT ME, YOU WOULD HAVE FIGURED IT OUT.
>> WHATEVER. HEY, BUD, YOU WANT MY SANDWICH? >> SOMEONE IS HUNGRY!
YOU'RE EATING SO FAST AND JUST WITH YOUR MOUTH. WAIT, AREN'T YOU EMBARRASSED TO
BE EATING LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF A GIRL? I GUESS NOT.
YOU DON'T CARE AT ALL, WHICH OF COURSE ONLY MAKES YOU HOTTER. >> ROCHELLE, ARE YOU SO BLINDED
BY THE NEED TO BE POPULAR, YOU CAN'T TELL THAT THAT'S A DOG? >> WHATEVER, TRENT.
YOU HAD YOUR SHOT WITH ME AND YOU BLEW IT. YOU COULDN'T BE WHAT I NEEDED
YOU TO BE. >> I'M SORRY MY FAMILY ISN'T RICH.
>> SO WAS I. >> HEY, BUD, READY FOR YOUR WALK?
I GOT YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND OUTSIDE. >> WAIT, YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
WERE YOU EVER GONNA TELL ME ABOUT HER? ARE YOU JUST GOING TO SIT THERE
AND LET ME THROW MYSELF AT YOU LIKE AN IDIOT? OH, SO NOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
TALK TO ME? FINE. I HOPE YOU AND THAT SLUT ARE
HAPPY BY THE WAY. I HEARD SHE EATS GRASS, BARFS, AND THEN EATS HER OWN BARF.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER DONE ANY OF THOSE THINGS. JUST SO YOU KNOW, I'M NOT STRICT
ABOUT CONDOMS. IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE, I'LL JUST SAY, BE CAREFUL, K, AND STILL GO
ALONG WITH IT. NOT THAT YOU'LL EVER BENEFIT FROM IT.
>> ROCHELLE, HE'S A DOG. >> YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN. BYE, BUD.
>> WOW. I'VE NEVER SEEN ROCHELLE GET JEALOUS.
HEY, I'M CANDICE. AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM STRICT ABOUT CONDOMS.
I NEVER LET GUYS WEAR ONE.
GOING TO GET MESSED UP. AND THE ONLY THING TOUGHER THAN ONE JUDGE ON THE CASE IS THREE.
AND THE ONLY THING TOUGHER THAN THREE JUDGES IS TEN. BUT WHY STOP AT TEN WHEN YOU CAN
HAVE 17? YOU'RE WATCHING BIG BENCH. >> ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE
EVERYBODY. >> THANK YOU, BAILIFF. COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.
OKAY. OKAY. HEY, WE DON'T ALL NEED TO BANG
OUR GAVELS. THEY HEAR IT. WE GOT A LOT OF CASES AND EVEN
MORE JUDGES. SO LET'S START. PLAINTIFF, PLEASE STATE YOUR
NAME. >> THANK YOU, YOUR HONOR. MY NAME IS ASHLEY JOURNS AND I'M
HERE TO SAY ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY, THAT MAN IS A THIEF. >> WHY WOULD I STEAL FROM HER?
SHE'S BROKE AS HELL. >> HEY, THIS IS NOT A CIRCUS. THIS IS A 17-JUDGE COURTROOM.
OKAY? AND IF YOU WANT TO WIN TODAY, YOU GOT TO GET A UNANIMOUS
DECISION FROM EVERY JUDGE UP HERE. I'M JUDGE CARLOTTA.
JUDGE TONKIN IS THE CRANKY ONE. >> I DON'T GOT TIME FOR THIS. >> JUDGE HUNK IS THE CUTE ONE.
>> I AM? GOSH. >> JUDGE ALEJANDRO IS CUTE AND
LATIN. >> [ SPEAKING SPANISH ].
>> AND JUDGE BEN, WELL, HE'S GAY.
NOW LET'S GET ON WITH IT. MS. JOURNS, YOU SAID THIS MAN STOLE SOMETHING FROM YOU.
WHAT DID HE STEAL? >> MY HEART, MY CAR, AND MY DISCOVERY CARD, BUT MOSTLY MY
HEART. >> OKAY. OKAY.
THIS IS JUICY. NOW YOU GOT MY ATTENTION. >> WHAT CAN I SAY, YOUR HONOR,
I'M A BAD BOY. >> OKAY, MR. PALEST ARMS ON EARTH.
LET US BE THE JUDGE OF THAT. >> PLUS HER CAR IS WHACK AND HER DISCOVER CARD IS MAXED.
THIS IS VERY UNFAIR. >> WHATEVER INJUSTICE YOU MAY FEEL THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE GONE
THROUGH AS A JUDGE WHO IS ALSO A GAY MAN. >> YOU'RE FINE.
SO MS. JOURNS, WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS MAN? >> I MET HIM AT MY SISTER'S
WEDDING WHERE HE WAS MARRYING MY SISTER. >> THIS IS JUICY AS HELL.
HOW DOES YOUR SISTER FEEL ABOUT THAT? >> ASK HER YOURSELF.
I BROUGHT HER WITH ME TODAY. >> I TOLD HER TO GO FOR IT. I JUST WANTED HIS ASS OUT OF THE
HOUSE. >> HANG ON. MA'AM, YOU CANNOT SMOKE IN HERE.
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY. >> OKAY. THESE PEOPLE ARE THE CRAZIEST
PEOPLE I'VE EVER SEEN, BUT I GOT TO INTRODUCE SOME MORE JUDGES. JUST BELOW ME IS JUDGE SHINER,
OUR SWEET SIMPLE PERVERT. >> MAYBE EVERYBODY SHOULD JUST KISS.
>> NEXT TO HIM IS JUDGE TOOTIE, WHO WE HAD TO HIRE BECAUSE SHE'S JUDGE JUDY'S NIECE.
>> HEY, DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. DO YOU KNOW WHO MY AUNT IS?
>> AND THAT'S JUDGE WANDA WHO GOT HIT ON THE HEAD AND NOW THINKS SHE'S ON SHARK TANK.
>> THE MARKET DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER HARD SELTZER, AND FOR THAT REASON, I'M OUT.
>> DID I MENTION JUDGE BEN IS GAY? >> A GAY JUDGE?
WHAT'S NEXT, A DOG JUDGE? >> WHY, YES, THAT IS NEXT. HOW YOU DOING, JUDGE WOOF?
ALL RIGHT. MS. JOURNS, WE'RE READY FOR YOUR FINAL STATEMENT.
>> WOW. WHAT JUDGE WOOF JUST SAID JUST STRUCK ME DEEP.
I REALIZED NOBODY'S PERFECT. NOT EVEN ME. I'M GOING TO DROP THE CASE.
>> WELL, THAT'S MAYBE THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME. >> NOW KISS?
>> NO, NO, NO. I THINK WE'RE READY TO RULE. >> GUILTY.
>> CHIPOTLE. >> PANERA.
>> OKAY. I THINK WE ORDERING LUNCH NOW. >> HAMBURGER MARY'S.
>> AND PANERA IT IS. NOW WE END THE SHOW LIKE WE ALWAYS DO, WITH THE WAVE.
>> WHOO! >> COURT'S DISMISSED. GO ON AND SHOW THE LOGO.
>> BIG BENCH.
SUPER EMBARRASSING? I HAVE LIKE AN ITSY BITSY CRUSH ON SOMEONE HERE I THINK.
>> WHAT? >> WHO? LENNY PICKET?
>> NO. BOWEN. >> LIKE, BOYGENIUS, Y'ALL ARE
GIVING GIRL DUMB ASS. >> HE'S SO FUNNY AND HE'S SWEET. OBVIOUSLY IT CAN'T BE ANYTHING.
>> GIRL, YOU SHOULD ABSOLUTELY GO FOR IT. >> BUT ISN'T HE -- ISN'T HE GAY?
>> GAY? NO, BOWEN'S STRAIGHT. >> YEAH, STRAIGHT AS THEY COME.
BOWEN JUST PLAYS GAY ON THE SHOW BECAUSE IT'S A SHORT CUT TO LAUGHS.
>> SO HE HOOKS UP WITH GIRLS? >> OH, YEAH, HOT GIRLS TOO. BOWEN PULLS.
>> I HAD NO IDEA. >> HEY, HEY. >> BABY, I'VE MISSED YOU SO
MUCH. >> GINA, WHEN I'M AT WORK, GOT TO CUT OUT THE BABE STUFF.
>> IS THAT GINA GERSHON? >> ANYWAY, THE IDEA IS SYDNEY SWEENEY TODD, THE TALE OF SYDNEY
SWEENEY TODD. >> OH, MY GOD. >> YEAH, THAT SOUNDS AWESOME.
>> IT'LL BE FUNNY WHEN WE DO IT. >> HEY, BABY GIRL. WHERE'S MY SMILE?
>> BOWEN, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE STRAIGHT. >> OH, YEAH.
I'M FULL HETERO. THAT'S BETTER. >> SO, WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?
>> OH, YOU KNOW, BLOND, SMART, HEAVY NATURALS. >> OH, YEAH?
>> WHAT'S YOURS? >> ASIAN PODCASTERS. >> I KNOW A FEW OF THOSE.
>> HEY, SYDNEY, ARE YOU COMING TO SET? >> YEAH, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
>> WHEN YOU'RE TIRED OF LAUGHING WITH THE LITTLE BOYS, LET ME KNOW.
>> SWEEN! >> YOU'RE SO [ BLEEP ] NOT! WAIT!
DO WE NEED PROTECTION? >> IT'S FINE. I'M ON PREP.
>> THAT WAS AMAZING. HEY, I WOULD REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> OH. YEAH, I HAVE A LOT GOING ON. >> RIGHT.
TOTALLY. >> PLUS I GOT TO KEEP UP APPEARANCES WITH THE WHOLE GAY
THING. IT'S SORT OF MY MEAL TICKET. >> WAIT.
CAN'T YOU JUST BE STRAIGHT? >> YOU DON'T GET IT, OKAY? I DON'T WANT THIS.
I DON'T WANT YOUR LIFE. >> WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? >> IT MEANS GET OFF MY BACK.
WHATEVER. I'M GOING TO PARIS. >> I GOT PLAYED BY BOWEN YANG.
>> WELCOME TO THE CLUB, MAMA. >> WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME ABOUT HIM?
>> SOME LESSONS YOU GOT TO LEARN FOR YOURSELF. >> I'M NEVER GOING TO FIND LOVE.
>> NEVER SAY NEVER. >> NO THANK YOU. >> GET OUT!
>>> OH, YES! >> IT'S YOUR WEDDING DAY, WE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S YOUR
WEDDING DAY! >> OKAY, DOLL FACE. YOU READY TO SEE YOUR MAKEUP?
>> YOU KNOW I AM. >> ALL RIGHT. BIG REVEAL IN THREE, TWO, ONE.
>> OH, MY GOD! >> THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED, ANG AND TRYST, YOU ARE
MAGICIANS. >> WELL, WE HAD AN AMAZING CANVAS.
YOU LOOK LIKE PRINCESS DI -- BEFORE! >> YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
CAN WE GET TWO MORE BRIDESMAID DRESSES IN HERE? >> YEAH.
TWO DRESSES FOR ME PLEASE TO FIT MY FAT ASS INTO. >> JULES, CAN I TALK TO YOU
REALLY QUICKLY? OUTSIDE, ALONE. >> WAIT, WHAT?
ARE YOU DOING A BIT RIGHT NOW? >> NO. I JUST NEED TO TELL YOU
SOMETHING. LET'S GO OUT IN THE HALL. >> OKAY.
YOU'RE BEING SO WEIRD, KATE. JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY. >> GAVIN LEFT.
>> WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE LEFT? >> AND HE WROTE YOU A NOTE.
>> I REALIZED I DON'T LOVE YOU. I CAN'T DO THIS. >> I'M SO SORRY, JULES.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> SHOOT. SHOOT.
>> I HATE THIS. >> THIS IS SO TOUGH.
THIS IS SO TOUGH. JUST, UM, SHOOT. SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT.
JUST, UM, WHENEVER YOU GET THE CHANCE, IF YOU COULD JUST VENMO US.
>> WHAT? >> I KNOW THIS IS TOUGH. IT'S JUST, IN OUR EXPERIENCE, IF
WE DON'T GET PAID BEFORE WE LEAVE, THEN WE WON'T EVER GET PAID.
>> WAIT, DIDN'T WE PAY YOU ALREADY? >> SHOOT.
SHOOT, I'M EMBARRASSED. >> YEAH. YOU'RE SO RIGHT.
>> GAVIN JUST TEXTED. DAMN IT, I KNEW IT. HE WANTS TO EXPLORE THINGS
FURTHER WITH HIS COWORKER SASHA. >> OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> BUCK TOOTH SASHA? >> THIS ISN'T RIGHT. >> MEN ARE DOGS.
>> SHOOT. THIS IS BRUTAL. >> YEAH.
JUST -- SHOOT. WHENEVER -- WHENEVER YOU GET THE CHANCE --
>> AND NO RUSH -- AND NO RUSH. >> IF YOU COULD JUST LEAVE A REVIEW ON OUR YELP.
>> RIGHT NOW? >> IN OUR EXPERIENCE, IF YOU DON'T GET THE REVIEW BEFORE YOU
LEAVE, YOU NEVER GET IT. >> WRITE WHATEVER, LIKE MAYBE IF MY FIANCE SAW MY GORGEOUS FACE,
HE NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT. >> ENOUGH. HE HAVE FIANCE JUST LEFT.
>> I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ANYBODY, BUT -- >> WHAT IS IT?
>> I'M TWO MONTHS PREGNANT. MY BABY WON'T EVEN HAVE A FATHER.
>> SHOOT, SHOOT. HONEY, HONEY, OKAY. I DON'T WANT YOU TO CRY.
>> I KNOW. I NEED TO BE STRONG.
>> BECAUSE WE -- WE STILL NEED A PIC FOR OUR WEBSITE. >> YEAH.
YEAH. WE GOT -- SMILE INTO THE iPAD. WE GOT KICKED OFF INSTAGRAM FOR
COMMENTING SNITCH ON ALL OF LEAH REMINI'S POSTS. >> I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO KILL
YOU. >> MAYBE IT'S MY FAULT FOR RUSHING THE WEDDING.
I JUST WANTED TO GET MARRIED WHILE MY GRANDMA WAS STILL ALIVE, AND OF COURSE SHE PASSED
AWAY TWO WEEKS AGO. >> SHOOT, SHOOT. IS THERE ANY SHELL FISH IN THIS
CAKE? >> NO. IT'S A CAKE.
PLEASE LEAVE. >> SHOOT. YOU KNOW, I WOULD BE KICKING
MYSELF IF I DIDN'T MENTION IT, BUT MY BROTHER'S SINGLE. >> HE'S HILARIOUS.
>> AND HE GETS OUT OF HIS HALFWAY HOUSE IN APRIL, SO. >> REALLY?
I MEAN, I GUESS IT'S NICE TO IMAGINE DATING AGAIN. >> SHOOT.
>> I JUST REMEMBERED HE HATES PREGNANT WOMEN. >> SHOOT!
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, KACEY MUSGRAVES! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * MY SATURN HAS RETURNED WHEN I TURNED TWENTY-SEVEN
EVERYTHING STARTED TO CHANGE * * TOOK A LONG TIME
BUT I LEARNED THERE'S TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE * * ONE IS A GIVER
AND ONE'S ALWAYS TRYIN' TO TAKE ALL THEY CAN TAKE *
* SO I'M SAYIN' GOODBYE TO THE PEOPLE THAT I FEEL ARE REAL GOOD
AT WASTIN' MY TIME * * NO REGRETS BABY I JUST THINK THAT MAYBE
YOU GO YOUR WAY AND I'LL GO MINE * * IT'S BEEN
A REAL GOOD TIME * * BUT YOU GOT DARK ENERGY SOMETHIN' I CAN'T UNSEE
AND I'VE GOT TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF * * I FOUND A DEEPER WELL *
** * I USED TO WAKE AND BAKE ROLL OUT OF BED
HIT THE GRAVITY BONG THAT I MADE * * AND START THE DAY *
* FOR A WHILE IT GOT ME BY EVERYTHING I DID SEEMED BETTER WHEN I WAS HIGH
I DON'T KNOW WHY * * SO I'M GETTIN' RID OF THE HABITS THAT I FEEL
ARE REAL GOOD AT WASTIN' MY TIME * * NO REGRETS BABY
I JUST THINK THAT MAYBE IT'S NATURAL WHEN THINGS LOSE THEIR SHINE *
* SO OTHER THINGS CAN GLOW I'VE GOTTEN OLDER NOW I KNOW *
* HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF I FOUND A DEEPER WELL * **
** * WHEN I WAS GROWING UP
WE HAD WHAT WE NEEDED SHOES ON OUR FEET * * BUT THE WORLD
WAS AS FLAT AS A PLATE AND THAT'S OKAY * * THE THINGS I WAS TAUGHT
ONLY TOOK ME SO FAR HAD TO FIGURE THE REST OUT MYSELF *
* AND THEN I FOUND I FOUND A DEEPER WELL * **
* MM-MM MM **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MICHAEL CHE. >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
PRESIDENT BIDEN VISITED THE SOUTHERN BORDER ON THURSDAY AND WAS HORRIFIED TO DISCOVER IT IS
BEING SWARMED BY CRIMINALS AND RAPISTS. THAT'S RIGHT, BOTH BIDEN AND
TRUMP COINCIDENTALLY VISITED THE BORDER ON THE SAME DAY, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE SETUP FOR THE
WEIRDEST ROM COM OF ALL TIME. MY FAVORITE PART OF THE VISIT WAS WHEN TRUMP, WHO LOOKS GOOD
BEHIND BARS BY THE WAY, FINALLY CAME FACE TO FACE WITH HIS SWORN ENEMIES, THE MIGRANTS, AND HE
HAD A PRETTY HARSH MESSAGE FOR THEM. TAKE A LOOK.
>> THEY LIKE TRUMP, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? >> NO, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THE MIGRANTS DON'T LIKE YOU. THEY JUST WALKED A THOUSAND MILES TO GET TO THE EDGE OF THIS
RIVER, AND THEY'RE PROBABLY THINKING IS THAT GUY IN A TRUMP COSTUME WAVING US INTO THE
COUNTRY? >> MITCH McCONNELL SEEN HERE CATCHING UP ON NEWS FROM THE
MIDDLE EAST, ANNOUNCED HE WILL STEP DOWN AS THE REPUBLICAN LEADER IN THE SENATE.
MANY ARE SAYING HE IS LEAVING BECAUSE OF HIS BAD RELATIONSHIP WITH DONALD TRUMP.
COME ON, JUST BECAUSE YOU HATE SOMEBODY DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T STILL HAVE A VERY SUCCESSFUL
WORKING RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM. [ LAUGHTER ] >> I ALMOST FEEL LIKE THAT WAS
ABOUT ME. MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE WALKING OUT OF A THEATER AFTER
WATCHING 12 YEARS A SLAVE -- [ LAUGHTER ] -- ANNOUNCED HE WILL STEP DOWN
IN NOVEMBER. HE'LL BE REPLACE TD BY THE CURRENT NUMBER TWO REPUBLICAN IN
THE SENATE, A FROZEN EMBRYO HOLDING AN ASSAULT RIFLE. MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE AFTER
REARRANGING A BLIND WOMAN'S FURNITURE -- [ LAUGHTER ]
-- GAVE A MOVING SPEECH ON THE SENATE FLOOR ANNOUNCING HIS RETIREMENT, WHICH MADE ME START
TO ADMIRE MITCH McCONNELL, SEEN HERE WATCHING A SINGLE MOTHER SELL HER BLOOD FOR DIAPER MONEY.
>> MISSISSIPPI REPUBLICAN SENATOR CINDY HYDE SMITH BLOCKED A BILL THAT WOULD PROTECT ACCESS
TO IN VITRO VERTLIZATION BECAUSE AS THEY SAY IN MISSISSIPPI, IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE
CONCEIVING, JUST TRY WITH A DIFFERENT COUSIN. AFTER NIKKI HALEY'S POOR SHOWING
IN MICHIGAN, PRESSURE IS MOUNTING FOR HER TO DROP OUT OF THE RACE, BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE THE
DISHES ARE PILING UP AT HOME. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN WENT TO WALTER REID MEDICAL CENTER FOR HIS ANNUAL PHYSICAL.
DOCTORS SAID BIDEN WAS FIT AS A FIDDLE IN THAT HE'S OLD-TIMEY AND HELD TOGETHER BY STRINGS.
>> IN AN INTERVIEW, SENATOR MITT ROMNEY SAID HE WILL NOT VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP OVER JOE BIDEN.
SOME OF YOU MAY REMEMBER MITT ROMNEY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WELL, GUYS, MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED. ABC HAS OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCED
THEY'LL BE MAKING A SEASON OF THE GOLDEN BACHELORETTE. HERE TO PROVIDE TIPS ON HAVING
CONFIDENCE AT ANY AGE IS A WOMAN THAT'S AGING GRACEFULLY. >> YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT, COLIN. I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY I'M A
LITTLE OLDER, A LITTLE WISER, AND I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER. GUESS MY AGE.
GO AHEAD, GUESS MY AGE. >> NO THANK YOU. >> GREAT.
BECAUSE I ALWAYS SAY A WOMAN'S AGE IS LIKE A SPEED LIMIT, IGNORE IT UNLESS YOU'RE IN A
SCHOOL ZONE. >> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ANYWAY, YOU'RE HERE TO SHARE
TIPS FOR WOMEN TO FEEL CONFIDENT AT ANY AGE? >> YEAH.
IT'S ALL ABOUT WORKING WITH WHAT YOU GOT. YOU KNOW, SOME OF THESE GIRLS
TODAY HAVE HAD SO MUCH WORK DONE. I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU?
MY CONDO? >> RIGHT. BECAUSE YOU'RE AGING GRACEFULLY.
>> EXACTLY. THAT'S WHY I JUST DO THE LITTLE STUFF, LITTLE BOTOX HERE, LITTLE
JUVEDERM HERE, MY EARS HAVE BEEN LOWERED, AND MY BROWS ARE MY PUBES.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> YOU DON'T GET IT. YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN.
>> I DON'T THINK I WANT TO GET IT. WITH THE NEW SEASON OF THE SHOW
COMING OUT, WHAT WOULD YOUR ADVICE BE FOR THE NEW GOLDEN BACHELORETTE.
>> I ALWAYS SAY KEEP THEIR BELLIES FULL, THE GAME ON, AND DON'T WHINE.
>> THAT'S TERRIBLE ADVICE. >> AND IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET WORK DONE, BE LIKE MY CONDO,
JUST OWN IT. SHOUTOUT TO MY CONDO. SO WHEN I GET TWEAKS, I ADMIT
IT. I'LL ADMIT, I'VE HAD THE JURY SEN TAKE A LITTLE OFF MY ASS AND
PUT IT IN MY LIPS. BUT HE PROMISED IF I TAKE CRAP, HE'LL PUT IT BACK.
SO FAR, NO CRAP. >> THAT'S GENUINELY DISGUSTING. >> YOU DON'T GET IT.
YOU'RE NOT A WOMAN. PLASTIC SURGERY IS LIKE A JENGA TOWER.
TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE TOP, PUT IT ON THE BOTTOM SQUP IT ALL FALLS APART.
WHEN IT COMES TO MEN, JUST REMEMBER THESE TEN THINGS. KEEP THE FRIDGE STOCKED, FRIDGE
FULL, LAUGH AT HIS JOKES, DON'T VOTE, MAKE LUNCH, AND TAKE IT FROM ME, DON'T SLEEP WITH HIS
SON. >> DID YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE'S SON?
>> IT'S SO SAD. SOME OF THESE GIRLS ARE FLYING ALL THE WAY TO BRAZIL TO GET A
NEW BOOTY WHEN YOU CAN DRIVE 20 MINUTES TO THE MECHANIC FOR A NIPPLE REPLACEMENT.
>> I'M SORRY, A NIPPLE REPLACEMENT? >> THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THEY CAME FROM A GUY, SO NOW, I CAN SHOW MY RACK ON TV. >> PLEASE LEAVE YOUR SHIRT ON.
I HAVE TO SAY FOR SOMEONE WHO'S AGING GRACEFULLY, YOU'VE HAD A LOT OF WORK DONE.
>> IT'S NOT WORK IF IT'S WORKING. SHOUTOUT TO MY CONDO.
ALL RIGHT. BY THE WAY, THESE ARE DONOR EYES.
>> THEY'RE DONOR EYES? >> I KNOW, RIGHT? WHEN IT COMES TO GUYS, JUST
REMEMBER THESE 40 THINGS. TV IN THE BED BEDROOM, BEER FRIDGE IN THE BATHROOM, AND IF
YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP WITH HIS SON, DON'T FALL IN LOVE. GUESS MY AGE.
>> I DON'T KNOW. 63. >> FLIP THE NUMBERS AND ADD A 0.
>> SO 360? >> OH, A 360? I THOUGHT YOU WOULD NEVER ASK.
>> OH, MY GOD. ARE THOSE BINDER CLIPS? >> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY PLASTIC SURGEON WORKS AT OFFICE MAX. >> A WOMAN AGING GRACEFULLY,
EVERYONE. >> I LIED. I RENT MY CONDO.
>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT SOUTH KOREA NOW HAS THE WORLD'S LOWEST BIRTH RATE, DESPITE THE EFFORTS
OF SOUTH KOREAN NICK CANN UN. NICK CANN UN.
>> I HEARD YOU. A NEW TREND AMONG PARENTS IS TO CHOOSE BABY NAMES THAT SOUND
COOL AS TIKTOK HANDLES. GREAT NEWS FOR LITTLE BABY TRICK SHOT COVID HOAX.
FLACO, THE BELOVED OWL THAT ESCAPED FROM THE CENTRAL PARK ZOO DIED LAST WEEK AFTER HE FLEW
INTO A BUILDING. FLACO WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS FAMOUS LAST WORDS, OH, COOL,
ANOTHER OWL. >> STATEN ISLAND OFFICIALS ARE HOLDING A SEPARATE ST. PATRICK'S
DAY PARADE THAT WILL WELCOME LBGTQ GROUPS WHO WERE BANNED FROM THE OFFICIAL PARADE.
SADLY ON STATEN ISLAND, LBGTQ STANDS FOR LET'S GO BULLY THE QUEERS.
I KNOW. THAT'S A -- THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SHOULD STAND FOR.
>> I FEEL ATTACKED. A NEW STUDY CLAIMS FREMONT, CALIFORNIA IS THE HAPPIEST CITY
IN AMERICA, WHILE THE SADDEST CITY IN AMERICA IS ONCE AGAIN PUPPY GRAVE, INDIANA.
WHICH INCIDENTALLY IS THE FAVORITE VACATION SPOT OF MITCH McCONNELL.
>> MARCH IS WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH, WHICH IS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
-- WHICH IS ALWAYS NICE, EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE WEEK WHERE IT'S A HUGE BITCH.
>> REMEMBER WHEN YOU CHEERED FOR THE BEGINNING? KFC HAS INTRODUCED A NEW ITEM
THAT'S A COMBO OF FRIED CHICKEN AND PIZZA CALLED CHEETZA THOUGH THEY WARN IT COULD CAUSE A
REACTION CALLED VOMIRRHEA.
MALE COMPANION IS PREGNANT MAKING PEOPLE WONDER WHO'S THE FATHER AND HOW DID THIS HAPPEN.
HERE TO COMMENT IS CHARLOTTE, THE PREGNANT STING RAY. >> MICHAEL, MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
BOY DO I HAVE SOME NEWS FOR YOU. YOU GON' BE A DADDY! >> WHAT?
STOP PLAYING. >> NO, YOU STOP PLAYING. I'M A LITTLE ON EDGE RIGHT NOW.
ALL THIS ATTENTION IS A LOT FOR ME. MAYBE THIS FAME STUFF IS NORMAL
FOR YOU, BUT YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A FAMOUS ANIMAL. YOU SEEN HOW THEY DID HARAMBAY
RIGHT? >> PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED HOW YOU GOT PREGNANT.
>> DO YOU KNOW HOW INSULTING IT IS TO HAVE SOMEONE LOOK AT YOU AND SAY WHO GOT YOU PREGNANT?
I'LL TELL YOU WHO, MR. "WEEKEND UPDATE" AND HIS LATEX ALLERGY. >> WE'RE GOING TO STOP WITH
THAT, OKAY? SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT YOU GOT PREGNANT VIA IMMACULATE
CONCEPTION. >> YEAH, IT WAS IMMACULATE IN THAT YOU IMMACK LATED, THEN I
IMMACK LATED THREE TIMES BACK TO BACK. I WOULD SAY YOU BROKE MY BACK,
BUT I AIN'T GOT NO BONES. >> I DON'T LIKE THIS. SO THIS IS A VIRGIN CONCEPTION?
>> MICHAEL, I AIN'T BEEN A VIRGIN SINCE I WAS TWO, AND THAT'S LATE FOR A STING RAY.
IF YOU MUST KNOW, I GOT A FOUR-DIGIT BODY COUNT. >> HOLD ON.
FOUR DIGITS? >> SO YOU JEALOUS? YOU DON'T NEED TO BE INSECURE,
BOO. YOU PUT IT DOWN BETTER THAN ALL THEM FISH.
AFTER YOU SWUNG BY MY TANK, LET'S JUST SAY A BITCH COULDN'T SWIM STRAIGHT FOR WEEKS.
>> CHARLOTTE, HAVE YOU BEEN NEAR A MAIL STING RAY? >> OH, I'VE BEEN NEAR MALES, BUT
NONE OF THEM BEEN MEN. NONE OF THEM BEEN MR. MICHAEL CHE.
>> CHARLOTTE, RELAX. DON'T FEMALE STING RAYS MATE WITH MULTIPLE MALES AND IN THE
SPRING -- >> OKAY, NAT GEO, THAT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
MULTIPLE MALES. YOU NOT ABOUT TO HAVE ME ON TV LOOKING LIKE A HO.
YOU TALKING REAL CRAZY SITTING NEXT TO A STING RAY YOU KNOCKED UP.
YOU LUCKY I'M KEEPING IT. I WAS LIKE, DAMN, GUESS I'M HAVING A LITTLE CHE RAY.
>> WELL, YOU'RE NOT JUST PREGNANT WITH ONE. I HEARD YOU'RE HAVING
QUADRUPLETS. >> WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH FOUR OF YOUR BABIES?
THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN SUPPORT FOUR BABIES. YOU WORK ONE DAY A WEEK.
QUESTION. WHO'S THE BEST ABORTION DOCTOR? I KNOW YOU THE
>>> OKAY. LET'S SEE WHAT I MADE IN TIPS TODAY.
40, 41, 42 BUCKS. NOT BAD. >> DAMN, I MADE 39.
SO CLOSE. >> WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M THE TIP QUEEN TONIGHT.
HOW ABOUT YOU, NEW GIRL? >> OH. LET ME SEE.
>> YEAH. HOW MUCH TIPS DID YOU MAKE? >> 31, 32, $36,000.
>> JESUS. >> WHAT? >> IS THAT LOW?
>> I WOULDN'T SAY LOW. >> YEAH. THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, TINA.
>> WELL, ANOTHER BAD DAY FOR DENNIS. ALL I GOT IN TIPS WAS 12 CENTS
AND THIS NOTE THAT SAID, YOU RUINED MY DAY. >> WELL, THAT'S THE JOB.
IT'S UP AND IT'S DOWN SOMETIMES. >> YEAH. TABLE SIX STIFFED ME.
>> YEAH. THAT'S GONNA HAPPEN. >> I'M SO SORRY.
I HAD TO RUN TO THE BANK. HERE'S YOUR TIP, NEW GIRL. DAMN SHE FINE.
>> THAT IS INSANE. I SERVED THAT GUY LAST WEEK. WHEN I BROUGHT THE CHECK, HE
PATTED HIS POCKETS AND SAID, SORRY, I JUST GOT LAID OFF. >> WHEN I SERVED HIM, HE SAID
ARE THERE ANY LADIES WHO WORK HERE? >> OKAY, GUYS, RAZZ THE NEW
GIRL. BUT HONESTLY, I THINK IT'S JUST ABOUT GREAT SERVICE.
WATCH. I'M GOING TO GO DEAL WITH TABLE EIGHT.
HI, BOYS. WHO WANTS A REFILL? >> US, US, WE DO!
>> COMING RIGHT UP. OH, MY GOSH. I AM SUCH A KLUTZ.
I AM SO SORRY. >> IT'S OKAY. ANYTHING YOU DO IS OKAY.
>> OH, IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A LITTLE BEER LEFT IN THE PITCHER. WHO WANTS SOME?
YOU? >> OH, WHAT THE HECK. SURE.
>> OKAY. >> OH, AWESOME. THE BEST PART IS I'VE BEEN SOBER
FOR 22 YEARS, AND THAT'S OVER NOW. >> HEY, CAN WE BUY YOU A CAR OR
SOMETHING? >> YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS. SEE.
WAS THAT SO HARD? >> YOU SPILLED ALL OVER THEM AND MADE ONE GUY RELAPSE.
>> THEY JUST LIKE YOU. WATCH. HEY, GUYS, I JUST WANTED TO
OFFER YOU A FREE ROUND. >> I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU. I WANT OTHER GIRL.
>> AND I'LL TAKE THAT. >> GREAT. SO, YEAH, IT WAS A LITTLE
DIFFERENT FOR ME. >> YEAH. EXACTLY.
WATCH THIS. HELLO, MY GUYS. >> NO!
>> OF COURSE. >> SEE. NO OFFENSE, TINA, BUT YOU'RE
MAKING US FEEL BAD AND YOU'RE TAKING ALL OUR TIPS. >> YEAH.
MAYBE HOOTERS ISN'T THE RIGHT PLACE FOR YOU. >> OH.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT THIS PLACE WAS THE ONE PLACE I WOULD FEEL AT HOME.
I'VE TRIED TO WORK AT OTHER JOBS, AND I CAN'T. I WORKED AT AN AIRPORT, NO
PLANES TOOK OFF. I WAS A CROSSING GUARD, THOUSANDS DIED.
BUT IF YOU DON'T THINK I BELONG AT HOOTERS, I'LL GO. >> WAIT!
>> OH, MY GOD, HOOTERS MASCOT HOOTER THE OWL? >> THAT'S ME.
AND I CAME TO SAY YOU CAN'T LEAVE. YOU ARE MY HARRY POTTER, AND
THIS IS YOUR HOGWARTS. SO PLEASE STAY. >> IF YOU REALLY WANT ME TO.
OKAY. >> THANK YOU. >> AND WHAT ABOUT US?
>> I DON'T CARE. NOW, I MUST GO. I HAVE A FUNERAL TO ATTEND.
MY FRIEND FLACO FLEW INTO A BUILDING. I'M VERY SAD.
SO IF SOMEONE COULD SHOW ME THEIR BREASTS. >> I'LL DO IT.
>> I'LL JUST LEAVE. >> GOOD-BYE, HOOTER THE OWL!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ** **
* MADE SOME BREAKFAST MADE SOME LOVE THIS IS WHAT DREAMS
ARE MADE OF * * ON A CLOUDY MONDAY MORNING *
* SUMMER'S GONE AND YOU'RE STILL HERE FOR BOTH OF US
IT'S BEEN A YEAR * * A TIDAL WAVE WITHOUT A WARNING *
* PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME REGRET * * OPENIN' UP
THAT PART OF MYSELF THAT I'VE BEEN SCARED TO GIVE AGAIN *
* BE GOOD TO ME AND I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU BUT PLEASE DON'T BE
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE * * IN MY MIND WE'RE IN NEW YORK
YOU HAD NEVER BEEN BEFORE * * BUT BABY NOW IT'S OUR TOWN *
* I'LL ADMIT THAT I'M IN DEEP THAT I DON'T KNOW
HOW ELSE TO BE * * AND I DON'T WANNA SLOW DOWN *
* PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME REGRET * * OPENIN' UP
THAT PART OF MYSELF THAT I'VE BEEN SCARED TO GIVE AGAIN *
* BE GOOD TO ME AND I'LL BE GOOD TO YOU BUT PLEASE DON'T BE
TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE * ** * OH
MM-MM OH-OH MM-MM *
** * MADE SOME BREAKFAST MADE SOME LOVE
IF THIS IS WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF * * PLEASE DON'T WAKE ME *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> DOWN RIGHT UNINVITING. >> IF THESE ARE THE VIBES YOU'RE GOING FOR, THEN WE'RE YOUR
GIRLS. >> BECAUSE WE'RE THE NATION'S NUMBER ONE INTERIOR DESIGNERS
FOR -- AIRBNBs. **
>> AND I'M CHANNEL. >> AND TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE YOUR RENTALS POP WITH PLAIN
FURNITURE AND ART FOR NOBODY. >> ART PIECES LIKE -- >> ALBERT EINSTEIN WITH HIS
TONGUE OUT. >> BLACK AND WHITE CHILD HOLDING RED BALLOON.
AND OF COURSE, A SINGLE UNSETTLING PHOTO OF THE FAMILY THAT ACTUALLY LIVES HERE.
WHY STAY IN A HOTEL WHEN FOR BASICALLY THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU CAN STAY IN A PLACE
WITH WORSE SHEETS AND A CAMERA IN THE TOILET. >> HI.
>> BUT OUR DESIGNS AREN'T JUST BEAUTIFUL BUT ALSO FUNCTIONAL. >> THAT'S WHY WE'LL MAKE SURE
YOUR LISTING HAS -- AN IMPOSSIBLY COMPLICATED LOCK BOX, 700 K CUPS.
>> 12-PAGE PACKET ON HOW TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE. >> POLITICALLY AMBIGUOUS ART
WORK, AND OF COURSE A BOAR BODING CLOSE ET LABELED OWNER'S STUFF, DO NOT TOUCH.
>> STILL NOT SOLD? JUST LISTEN TO ONE OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS.
>> BEFORE CHANEL AND CHANNEL DECORATED BY AIRBNB, IT WAS A LITTLE DRAB, BUT NOW THERE'S SO
WRITING ON THE WALL. >> YOU MAY KNOW OUR WORK FROM COZY CASITA STEPS.
>> AND THE WONKA IN GLASGOW. STILL DON'T BELIEVE US? JUST LISTEN TO ONE OF OUR
SATISFIED CUSTOMERS. >> WHAT? >> HI.
>> YOU ALREADY DID ME. >> OH. >> SO COME ENJOY OUR CLASSIC
DESIGNS WITH THE UTMOST PRIVACY. BYE. >> CHANEL AND CHANNEL INTERIOR
DESIGNS FOR AIRBNBs.
>> THANK YOU. >> THANKS. >> ENJOY.
>> WOW, HONEY, THIS PLACE IS NICE. >> YEAH.
I'M GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE WE'VE HAD A DATE NIGHT.
>> THAT'S CRAZY! >> I SWEAR THIS CHICK, TOTAL TEN, POPS OUT A FULL SET OF
DENTURES. >> GNARLY! >> DUDE, DUDE.
>> THESE GUYS ARE SO LOUD. >> YOU WANT ME TO GO SAY SOMETHING?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. >> DUDES, DID YOU GUYS WATCH THE GAME LAST NIGHT?
>> YO, LeBRON WENT OFF! >> LeBRON JAMES! >> THAT'S IT.
I'M GOING TO GO SAY SOMETHING. IT'S OUR DATE NIGHT. I'M GOING TO TELL THEM TO JUST
KEEP IT DOWN. HEY! >> CAN WE HELP YOU?
>> YEAH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY YOU GUYS SEEM LIKE REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS.
THAT'S SPECIAL. HOPE YOU GUYS TREASURE THAT. WISH I HAD A GROUP OF GUYS LIKE
THIS. YOU MUST REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER. >> YEAH, I GUESS I LOVE THEM.
>> DON'T SAY IT TO ME. SAY IT TO THEM. >> OH.
YEAH, I LOVE YOU GUYS. >> COOL. >> THANKS, MAN.
>> YEAH. DEFINITELY. >> NICE.
ANYWAY, YOU FELLAS ENJOY YOURSELVES. WELL, I DON'T THINK WE'LL BE
HEARING FROM THEM ANYMORE. >> BABE, WHAT WAS THAT? I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO TELL
THEM TO BE QUIET. >> OH, THEY'LL BE QUIET NOW. YOU SEE, NOTHING SHUTS UP A
GROUP OF GUYS LIKE AN EARNEST EXPRESSION OF HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO EACH OTHER.
>> SERIOUSLY? THAT WORKS? >> SEE FOR YOURSELF.
>> HOW'S YOUR STEAK? >> LOOKS GOOD. >> COOL.
>> THAT'S CRAZY. >> OH, YEAH. ONE TIME AT A SLEEPOVER IN
MIDDLE SCHOOL, I TOLD MY FRIENDS THAT LAUGHING WITH THEM WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.
HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO THEM SINCE. ANYWAY, NOW THAT WE HAVE SOME QUIET, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR DAY.
>> OKAY. WELL, TODAY AT WORK -- >> AND THAT'S WHEN I SAID TO
HIM, I DON'T CHASE, I ATTRACT! >> ANOTHER NOISY GROUP. IT'S FINE.
I GOT THIS. EXCUSE ME. >> SORRY.
IS THERE A PROBLEM? >> YEAH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY DO YOU EVER
THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR MOM IS JUST A GIRL TOO? JUST A GIRL LIVING LIFE FOR THE
FIRST TIME JUST LIKE YOU. YOU KNOW, THIS IS STUPID, BUT I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS PHOTO OF MY
MOM PAINTING MY NURSERY WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT WITH ME IF Y'ALL WANT TO LOOK AT IT AND
THINK ABOUT YOUR MOMS, YOU CAN TOO. >> SHE CALLED ME YESTERDAY, AND
I LET IT GO TO VOICE MAIL. >> WHEN I WAS 15, I TOOK HER CAR AND SMOKED A FULL PACK OF
CIGARETTES IN IT AND THEN BARFED IN THE FRONT SEAT. THE SMELL NEVER LEFT.
>> ONE TIME, I THREW A SUITCASE AT MY MOM BECAUSE SHE WOULDN'T LET ME SHAVE MY HEAD.
I REALLY REGRET THAT. >> YEAH. ANYWAY, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
ENJOY YOUR MEAL. WELL, THAT OUGHT TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.
>> WOW. THAT SURE WAS SOMETHING. >> YEP.
NOTHING QUIETS UP A GROUP OF WOMEN QUITE LIKE A REMINDER OF THEIR MOTHER'S HUMANITY.
>> NICE JOB, HONEY. NOW WE CAN GET BACK TO DATE NIGHT.
YOU SAID SOMETHING HAPPENED AT WORK TODAY? >> YEAH.
I CHEATED ON YOU WITH MY BOSS, AND I THINK WE SHOULD BREAK UP. >> HEY, BABY CAKES, WANT TO GET
OUT OF HERE? >> YEAH. SORRY.
>> AW, MAN. >> HEY, MAN, ARE YOU OKAY? >> I'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
THANKS FOR CHECKING IN ON ME, GUYS. IT REALLY MEANS A LOT THAT YOU
CARE SO MUCH ABOUT ME. OH, THEY'RE GONE. GOD, I GOT TO STOP DOING THAT.
>>> THANK YOU, EVERYONE FOR TONIGHT. THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN AMAZING
WEEK. THANK YOU LORNE, THANK YOU TO THE AMAZING CAST.
THANK YOU, KACEY AND GLENN. THIS HAS BEEN SO WONDERFUL. AH, SUCH A GREAT TIME!
THANK YOU!