>>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP ON CBS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO EVERYONE WELCOME TO THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP BETWEEN THE
BALTIMORE RAVENS AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS. I'M JIM NANTZ ALONGSIDE TONY
ROMO. DO YOU LOVE TO SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL?
BECAUSE YOU'LL DO ALL THREE ON A BOEING MAX 739. ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY'S
MATCHUP? >> WITHOUT A DOUBT, JIM. WE'VE GOT TWO GENERATIONAL
TALENTS AT QUARTERBACK, TWO ELITE DEFENSES. I EXPECT IT TO BE AN ALL-OUT
BATTLE FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS. AND AFTER THAT, IT'S ALL OVER. >> ALL OVER?
>> FOOTBALL. AFTER TODAY, IT'S JUST -- IT'S DONE.
>> WELL, THERE'S STILL THE SUPER BOWL. >> YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT REAL
FOOTBALL. SUPER BOWL IS FOR COMMERCIALS AND USHER AND PEOPLE WHO NEVER
WATCH FOOTBALL ASKING HOW MANY POINTS A TOUCHDOWN IS WORTH. TODAY'S THE LAST REAL FOOTBALL
DAY FOR JUST US GUYS. >> TONY, ARE YOU OKAY, BUD? >> NAH, NOT REALLY.
>> ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET'S THROW IT OVER TO JAMES BROWN AND OUR HALF TIME
CREW FOR A SNEAK PEEK AT WHAT'S AHEAD. >> THANKS, JIM.
I'M HERE WITH PHIL SIMMS, BILL COWHER, AND NATE BURLESON. AND WE WERE JUST LISTENING TO
WHAT TONY SAID, AND REALLY GOT US THINKING. >> YEAH.
I'M REALIZING THAT AFTER THIS GAME ENDS, THERE'S JUST NOTHING. >> WELL, WHAT ARE MEN SUPPOSED
TO DO ON SUNDAYS NOW? JUST GO TO THEIR FRIENDS' HOUSES FOR NO REASON?
>> WITHOUT FOOTBALL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT? I MEAN, DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANYTHING REMOTELY INTERESTING OR INSIGHTFUL TO SAY? >> I WISH INSTEAD OF SALT, THE
OCEAN WAS FULL OF SUGAR. >> OH, JESUS. WE'RE DOOMED.
>> WELL, COME ON NOW. DON'T FORGET WE STILL GOT THE PRO BOWL COMING UP.
>> JIM, I HAVE BEEN COVERING FOOTBALL FOR 30 YEARS, AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE WATCHED THE PRO
BOWL. >> YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT US.
AMERICA NEEDS FOOTBALL. IT'S THE ONLY THING EVERYONE STILL WATCHES.
>> ESPECIALLY LIVE. THERE'S NO OTHER LIVE TV THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY WATCHABLE.
>> WELL, THANK GOD CBS STILL HAS "BLUE BLOODS," THE NUMBER ONE DRAMA IN EVERY DENTIST OFFICE.
>> "BLUE BLOODS" NOW IN ITS -- WAIT, FINAL SEASON? NOW THEY'RE TAKING "BLUE BLOODS"
FROM US TOO? >> WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN REPLACING IT WITH?
>> OH, MY -- SO HELP ME TODD? WHAT IS THAT? >> IT SOUNDS TODD DAMN AWFUL.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING UPSET ABOUT "BARBIE" GETTING STUBBED. WHAT ABOUT "YELLOWSTONE"?
ZERO EMMY NOMINATIONS? >> "YELLOWSTONE" IS OUR "BARBIE."
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT MARGOT ROBBIE GOT SNUBBED, I REALLY DO, BUT -- I'M SORRY.
BUT THEY'RE COMING AFTER GOSLING? KEN WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT
SEEN IN A MOVIE. >> ALL RIGHT. GUYS, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO
JUST CALM DOWN, OKAY? LET'S GO TO TRACY WOLFSON WHO'S STANDING ON THE SIDELINES WITH
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS HEAD COACH ANDY REID. >> COACH REID, ARE YOU UPSET
ABOUT THE SEASON ENDING? >> WHY? BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME I GET
TO HANG OUT WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND NOW THAT'S OVER? I'M SORRY.
I NEED TO GO. >> GUYS, WHAT IS GOING ON? CAN WE JUST DO OUR FINAL
PREDICTIONS? >> I PREDICT THAT PEOPLE WILL BE SO DEPRESSED THAT DRY JANUARY
WILL GIVE WAY TO LIVER FAILURE FEBRUARY. >> I PREDICT THAT ONE OF US WILL
APPEAR IN A COMMERCIAL FOR PENIS PILLS. BUT WE WON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY
MAKE YOUR PENIS LONGER, HARDER, STRAIGHTER, OR MAKE IT LOSE WEIGHT.
>> WELL, I PREDICT I'M GOING TO CRY. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS SO DAMN
MUCH. >> I PREDICT RAVENS. >> YOU KNOW, I JUST REALIZED
SOMETHING. AFTER TODAY, WE MAY NOT HAVE FOOTBALL, BUT WE STILL HAVE EACH
OTHER. TO QUOTE "FAST AND FURIOUS" THREE THROUGH SEVEN, IT'S ABOUT
FAMILY, AND NOT COUNTING MY WIFE AND THREE KIDS, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY FAMILY I GOT.
** * IT'LL BE A LONG DAY WITHOUT YOU MY FRIENDS, AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I SEE YOU AGAIN * * I'LL PLAY SOME GOLF IN
PHOENIX, MAYBE GET SOME GAMBLING IN, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN,
WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN * * OH, OH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN *
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING -- A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T
DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.
AND YOUR HOST -- DAKOTA JOHNSON.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS RIGHT AFTER THE SNL 40th.
I WAS ACTUALLY IN THE AUDIENCE FOR THAT SPECIAL. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.
LOOK AT THIS COLLECTION OF PEOPLE. SARAH PALIN, GEORGE LUCAS,
STEVEN SPIELBERG, AND LOOK WHO'S SITTING RIGHT BEHIND ME. IT'S JUST CRAZY TO BE STANDING
SO CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHO WOULD BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN AMERICA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I HAVE A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT. IT'S CALLED "MADAME WEB."
IT IS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, AND IT ALSO STARS SYDNEY SWEENEY.
SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE IF AI GENERATED YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PERFECT MOVIE.
I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF PRESS FOR IT, AND I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO JOURNALISTS.
I THINK THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT I SAY STUFF, AND THEN THEY WRITE IT DOWN.
AND IT'S REALLY UNFAIR. BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME, I'M JOKING.
EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T TAKE INTERVIEWS SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT ME ON THIS RED CARPET
WITH MY DAD WHEN I WAS 7. >> WELL, THEY'RE MY BIGGEST FANS, AND THE BEST BAROMETER
THAT I HAVE, AND THEY LOVE THE SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] >> ANYWAY, I'M SO EXCITED TO BE BACK AT SNL.
IT'S ALSO A SORT OF REUNION FOR ME AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. WE WERE ACTUALLY IN A MOVIE
TOGETHER CALLED "THE SOCIAL NETWORK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SHUT UP. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS, DAKOTA. >> JUSTIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP
HERE? ARE YOU LOST? >> I HEARD MY NAME.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY CUE. >> OH, NO. YOU'RE THE MUSICAL GUEST.
>> OKAY. WELL, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE IN SKETCHES, I HAVE --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -- I'VE HOSTED BEFORE. >> YEAH.
WELL, THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO, SO. >> WAS IT THAT LONG?
>> WELL, I MEAN, EITHER WAY, I'M SO HAPPY YOU CHOSE MY SHOW FOR YOUR COMEBACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S -- HMM, COMEBACK. IS THAT WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT?
>> YEAH. COMEBACK IN A GOOD WAY. >> OKAY.
I SEE WHAT THIS IS. THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE A JOKE LIKE FIRST HE WAS BRINGING SEXY
BACK, AND NOW HE'S BRINGING COMING BACK. >> I WOULDN'T PHRASE IT LIKE
THAT. >> WELL, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. NOW THAT I HEARD THAT OUTLOUD,
THAT WAS -- SORRY. ANYWAYS, JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD LUCK, AND YOU'RE GOING TO CRUSH
IT. >> THANK YOU. >> AND I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME.
>> OKAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> ARE WE DOING IT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I JUST -- I'M -- I'M HERE TO -- I'M HERE TO SAY BREAK A LEG.
>> OKAY. >> THESE ARE MY NORMAL CLOTHES. BREAK A LEG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS IS MY FAVORITE PLACE
TO BE, AND I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE HERE. WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HERE. STICK AROUND
WE|LL BE BACK
IT'S LIKE A MINI MASON FAMILY REUNION. >> WELL HELLO MANSON FAMILY.
I HEAR WE'RE CELEBRATING A REUNION TONIGHT. >> OH, IT'S MASON.
SORRY. WE'RE JUST NOT THE MANSON FAMILY.
>> SORRY. MR. MASON, GUESS I'M JUST A LITTLE OFF MY GAME TODAY.
>> NO, NO. ALL GOOD. WE'RE READY TO ORDER IF YOU ARE,
THOUGH. >> YEAH. GO FOR IT.
LET'S GET STARTED. >> THE SHRIMP SCAMPI. NOT GOING TO WRITE THAT DOWN?
>> I'VE WORKED HERE A LONG TIME. I HAVEN'T WRITTEN DOWN AN ORDER IN 15 YEARS.
>> IMPRESSIVE. WELL, I'LL DO THE CALIFORNIA CLUB.
>> GOT YA. >> I'LL DO THE BONE-IN RIBEYE. >> AND CAESAR SALAD FOR ME AND
CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY. >> THAT'LL BE THE SHRIMP SCAMPI,
THE CALIFORNIA SALAD, THE BONE-IN SALAD, AND CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY?
>> THAT'S NOT IT. >> SO SORRY. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME
BEFORE. BUT I GOT IT NOW. IT'S GOING TO BE THE RIBEYE, THE
CHICKEN FONGERS, THE BAGEL WITH FONGER SAUCE, ADVIL ON THE ROCKS, AND A MANGO JUUL POD FOR
THE LITTLE GUY? >> NOT CLOSE. >> WOW.
I THINK I'M FREAKING OUT NOW. MY APOLOGIES, CHARLES MANSON. >> IT'S DAVE MASON.
>> SORRY. IS THERE A PROBLEM OVER HERE? >> YEAH.
I AM JUST HAVING TROUBLE TAKING THEIR ORDERS. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER WHILE I
DO SOME BREATH WORK TO CALM DOWN? >> SURE THING.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU? >> ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET THE SHRIMP SCAMPI.
>> UH-HUH. >> THE CALIFORNIA CLUB. >> YEP.
>> CAESAR SALAD, THE RIBEYE, AND CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY.
>> SO THAT'S FOUR RIBEYES FOR THE TABLE AND CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY.
>> NO. >> I'M SORRY. NO.
SO FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE TABLE, FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE KITCHEN, AND A DIET ADVIL
FOR THE LITTLE GAY. >> EXCUSE ME. LITTLE GAY?
>> SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. WHEW.
I'M NERVOUS. PARTIALLY BECAUSE TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY AS MANAGER, AND
PARTIALLY BECAUSE, UM, WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO SHARON TATE.
>> WE'RE NOT THE MANSONS. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO TELL THE CHEF DIRECTLY.
EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET THE SHRIMP SCAMPI? >> NEVER HEARD OF THAT, BUT
COMING UP. >> I WANT THE SHRIMP SCAMPI. >> OH, I GOT IT.
COMING RIGHT UP. ONE SCOOBY SHAMPOOEY. >> NO, I WANT THE SKIMP -- DAMN
IT. NOW I'M DOING IT. >> I'M SORRY.
IT'S HONESTLY BEEN A REALLY CRAZY SHIFT AND EVERYONE IS FRIED.
I WILL GET YOUR MEAL COMPED. LET'S JUST START OVER. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
>> YOU KNOW, THE CHICKEN FONGERS LOOKED PRETTY GOOD. >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT OUR
TABLE? >> I'M SORRY. I THINK I JUST FEEL FLUSTERED
BECAUSE YOUR SHORT FRIEND IS STARING AT MY RACK. >> HE'S NOT SHORT.
HE'S A CHILD. >> ALL RIGHT. FINE.
IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU ALL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME YOUR ORDERED ONE MORE TIME, AND I
WILL WRITE IT DOWN. >> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE DO THIS!
THE SCRIMP SCAMPI, THE CALIFORNIA CLUB, THE CAESAR SALAD, THE BONE-IN RIBEYE, AND
THE CHICKEN FINGERS, NOT THE CHICKEN FONGERS, FOR THE LITTLE GUY.
YOU GOT IT NOW? >> WILL YOU REPEAT THAT ONE MORE TIME?
BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY DREW YOU. >> OH, COME ON. >> THAT IS VERY GOOD.
>>> DAVID, COULD YOU LOOK IN THE CABINET FOR THE TV REMOTE? MY LEG'S HURTING SOMETHING AWFUL
TODAY. >> YEAH, SURE, DAD. OH, WHOA.
ARE THESE -- >> HOME MOVIES? YEP.
>> YOUR FATHER ALWAYS HAD THAT CAMERA OUT. >> DO YOU MIND IF I PUT THEM ON?
>> I WOULD LOVE THAT. >> LET'S JUST BE QUIET. WE DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP
GRANDMA. >> GOD DAVID! I MISS THOSE DAYS.
>> THE ONLY THING I DON'T MISS ARE THOSE GRASS STAINS. * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *
>> OH, WOW, MY THIRD BIRTHDAY. >> YOU JUST ABOUT ATE THAT WHOLE DURN CAKE.
>> WHAT'S THIS ONE, DAD? >> THAT IS THE DAY THAT I FOUND OUT I WAS GOING TO BE A DADDY.
COME ON. POP IT IN. >> SHE LIKES TO SLEEP AROUND,
AND HE'S A BROKE-ASS LIAR. THERE'S JUST ONE THING WE DON'T KNOW --
>> IS HE THE FATHER? >> YOU KNOW YOU ARE, RAY. YOU'RE DEADBEAT ASS IS THE
DADDY. ADMIT IT! >> THAT BABY DON'T EVEN LOOK
LIKE ME! HOW CAN I BE THE DADDY? >> WHAT'S THIS?
>> IT'S THE COREY DERVITCH SHOW. WE OWE A LOT TO THAT GOOD MAN. >> AMEN.
>> AMBER HAS A BABY NAMED DAVID, AND SHE'S CONVINCED THE FATHER IS RAY, A MAN SHE MET AT A
BACKYARD WRESTLING EVENT. >> YO, YO, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING.
I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING. SHE A HO. >> OH!
>> DAD! >> NO, SHH. WATCH THIS PART.
>> NOW HOW Y'ALL KNOW I'M THE DADDY WHEN SHE BE SLEEPING WITH EVERYBODY.
>> WELL, OF COURSE I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH EVERYBODY. I GOT THIS ASS, DON'T I?
>> BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER MAN WHO MIGHT BE THE FATHER.
AND HERE HE IS, AMBER'S COWORKER AT GAME STOP, ZACH BARBACANO, AKA, SPOOKY.
>> BOO! >> OH, OKAY! YEAH, OKAY.
SHUT UP! >> WHO THE HELL IS SPOOKY? >> WE HAVE A QUESTION IN THE
AUDIENCE FROM AMBER'S MOTHER. >> I HAVE A QUESTION YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE
ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH MY DAUGHTER, YOU WERE ALSO SLEEPING WITH ME?
>> IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT. >> OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, MA? >> FIGHT ME!
>> I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! >> WAIT, WAIT, ARE WE EVEN SURE THIS IS A BABY?
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS THING! LOOK LIKE A DAMN BENJAMIN BUTTON.
SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL -- UGLY BABY. >> UGLY BABY!
UGLY BABY! UGLY BABY!
RIGHT HERE. >> WHATEVER HAPPENS, I STILL PLAN ON BEING IN THIS BABY'S
LIFE. >> WHEN IT COMES TO 6-MONTH-OLD DAVID, SPOOKY, YOU ARE NOT THE
FATHER. >> YES! GOD IS REAL, Y'ALL, COME ON!
I TOLD Y'ALL! >> STOP! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
>> BABY? >> WHAT? >> WILL YOU MARRY ME?
>> NO. GET AWAY FROM ME! >> I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU. >> SPOOKY, LOOK OUT!
>> WHO WANTS SOME? >> THAT'S WHY YOU NEED A CANE? YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A SKIING
ACCIDENT. >> LOOK, SON, I KNOW IT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE WE STARTED. LOOK AT US NOW.
WE ARE A FAMILY. AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER. OH, LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S NEW
NURSE IS HERE. >> LET'S GO, LINDA. TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION.
I SWITCHED THE RESULTS.
SHOW. * WELL * >> TONIGHT, THERE'S GUEST
STAR -- * IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS * >> FROM THE NATION, ELIE MYSTAL.
* DISCUSSING POLITICS. >> COACH OF THE FORWARD PARTY, ANDREW YANG.
* AND THE ISSUES OF THE DAY, HEY * >> BLOGGER AND POLITICAL
ACTIVIST, JOANNE CARDUCCI. * AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU THOUGH YOU MAY NOT WANT ME TO *
>> AND AS ALWAYS -- * GUESS WHAT, I'M STILL GOING TO TALK TO YOU *
>> BARRY'S BROTHER ROBIN. * I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB
TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT ISSUES, TALKIN' 'BOUT REAL IMPORTANT ISSUES *
* TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW, CHECKIN' OUT POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY
TOWN, YEAH * >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST, BARRY GIBB.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. THIS IS MY SHOW, AND IT'S A
NO-NONSENSE SHOW. I DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP FROM ANYONE.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT. IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR, AND PEOPLE SEEM DISILLUSIONED BY THE
POLITICAL SYSTEM. PEOPLE FEEL ONE CANDIDATE IS TOO OLD AND THE OTHER WILL BE
DISTRACTED BY HIS LEGAL PROBLEMS. ROBIN, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO
ADD? >> NO. NO, I DON'T.
>> OKAY. ELIE, DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS OVERSTATING THE NEGATIVES OF THE
NATION TO GET VIEWS AND CLICKS? >> WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING QUESTION.
>> OH, IS IT? IT'S INTERESTING? YOU FIND IT INTERESTING?
>> YEAH, I DO. >> WELL, I FIND YOU INTERESTING, OKAY?
YOU LOOK LIKE IF DON KING ATE ANOTHER DON KING! I WILL UNHINGE MY JAW AND BITE
YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A GOLDFISH CRACKER -- * THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK,
THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK * I WILL PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY YOU.
EVERY MONTH I WILL REPLACE YOUR SHOES WITH AN IDENTICAL PAIR OF ONE BIGGER SIZE SO YOU THINK
YOUR FEET ARE SHRINKING. I FEAR NOTHING! I WATCHED "SALTBURN" WITH MY
ENTIRE FAMILY! AND I KNEW ABOUT THE BATHTUB SCENE BEFOREHAND, AND I LOVED
IT! * HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, LICKING THE DRAIN, HUMPING THE
GRAVE * DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN?
>> NO. NO, I DON'T. >> LET'S GET TO OUR NEXT GUEST.
ANDREW YANG, CULTURE OF THE FORWARD PARTY. DO YOU THINK A THIRD PARTY
CANDIDATE COULD GAIN ENOUGH VOTES TO WIN THE GENERAL ELECTION?
>> WELL, BARRY -- >> CALL ME SIR. >> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOU WILL CALL ME SIR BARRY GIBB. I WAS KNIGHTED IN 2018 FOR
OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. I WILL RIP OUT YOUR LOWER
INTESTINE AND USE IT AS MY OWN PERSONALIZED ZIP LINE. * ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE
TO OUTER SPACE, SELFIE * DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN?
>> NO. NO, I DON'T. >> REALLY?
>> NO. >> JOANNE CARDUCCI. * JOANNE, JOANNE, JOANNE
CARDUCCI * WE ARE -- * WE ARE FROM AUSTRALIA, AND WE
SWIM IN THE CORAL REEF * * MY DAD'S A KANGAROO, EATING THE WEIRD BREAD THEY BRING TO
THE TABLE, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE * >> HI. #.
>> I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A VOCAL CRITIC OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. HOWEVER, PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT
HE WAS CORRECT ABOUT THE BORDER AND CHINA. >> WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
WHICH -- >> HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME! I DO NOT PLAY!
I AM LEGEND! YOU CANNOT BREAK ME! I HAVE NOT CRIED IN 77 YEARS,
EXCEPT DURING EPISODES OF THE AUSTRALIAN CHILDREN'S SHOW "BLUEY," BUT IF YOU DON'T CRY AT
"BLUEY" YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN * IF YOU DON'T CRY AT "BLUEY" YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN *
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN? HE DOESN'T.
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD -- >> I WILL USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A
LOBSTER TRAP! * DIG YOUR CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A TRAP, DIG UP YOUR
CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A TRAP, RIB CAGE AS A, RIB CAGE AS A TRAP *
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. WE HAVE BEEN -- * TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY
GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT CHEST HAIR, TALKIN' 'BOUT COOL MEDALLIONS *
* TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY
TOWN * * OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH HI-YA *
>>> I THINK MY DOG IS ADDICTED TO ADDERALL. >> HELLO.
>> DAKOTA! WHAT'S UP? >> HOW ARE YOU?
>> WE ARE SUCH BIG FANS. >> ARE YOU KIDDING? I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR VIDEOS.
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> YES. THEY'RE REALLY -- NOT FOR ME.
>> WHAT? >> NOT HOW I EXPECTED YOU TO COME IN HERE.
MUST BE THAT DRY SENSE OF HUMOR. WE HAD AN IDEA FOR YOU. >> YEAH.
BASICALLY, ONE OF US WOULD PLAY YOUR BOYFRIEND AND -- >> SORRY.
THAT'S THE FIRST FUNNY THING YOU'VE EVER SAID. >> THAT WASN'T A JOKE.
>> SO IS IT LIKE A MAKE-A-WISH THING? DOES MY CHARACTER HAVE BRAIN
DAMAGE? >> DID WE DO SOMETHING TO OFFEND YOU?
>> NO. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE LONELIER ISLAND.
>> ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT THEN. >> IT'S ON NOW.
>> YEAH, IT'S LIKE THAT. >> WELL, HEY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE STAR OF "MADAME
WEB." CAN YOU INTRODUCE ME TO SYDNEY SWEENEY?
>> WHAT'S HER SUPERPOWER? WHISPERING IN MONOTONE? >> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN THE
LEAST VIRAL TAYLOR SWIFT VIDEO SHE'S HAD? >> DO YOU STILL HAVE TO
AUDITION, OR DO THEY GIVE YOU THE PART AS SOON AS AUBREY PLAZA SAYS NO.
>> I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU YOU GUYS LOVED HAMILTON. >> NO, WE DO NOT.
>> HEY, I LOVE THAT YOU'RE STILL DOING BANGS. VERY OBAMA FIRST TERM.
>> THAT'S ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE MOVIE YOU MADE THAT NO ONE SAW. >> MORE PEOPLE SAW IT THAN
"DADDIO." >> IS "DADDIO" WHO YOU CALLED TO GET YOUR JOB.
>> YOU WANT TO DO THE PARENT THING? >> NOT REALLY.
NEPO TRUCE? >> NEPO TRUCE. >> A FOOT IN THE DOOR AND SO
MUCH MORE. >> I HATE WITH YOU GUYS DO THAT. >> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE
INSULTING EACH OTHER. I'M GENERALLY A BIG FAN OF YOURS.
I LOVED BIGGER SPLASH. IS THAT WHAT YOU HOPED IT WOULD MAKE IN THE BOX OFFICE?
>> LET'S GO! >> WHAT'S IT LIKE LOOKING LIKE THE LAST THREE GUYS A LESBIAN
SLEEPS WITH BEFORE COMING OUT? >> NICE. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO A LOT
BETTER THAN -- >> THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF THE ONLY LINE PEOPLE WILL CARE ABOUT
THIS SHOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.
>> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? I WAS JUST LOOKING AT YOUR MOVIE'S 40% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES.
>> I'M GOING TO CHANGE THE CUE CARDS SO YOU SAY THE N WORD DURING YOUR MONOLOGUE.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. >> I'M SORRY TOO. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID ANY OF
THAT. I WAS JUST TRYING TO RIB YOU GUYS.
>> THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. >> THANK GOD. WE'RE HUGE, HUGE FANS.
>> WE LOVE YOU. >> SERIOUSLY, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED WORKAHOLICS. >> I HATE YOU!
ARE YOU LIKE US, A PRETTY LADY DRIVES A BIG CAR >> ARE YOU BETWEEN 12 AND 70 AND
GO TO TARGET EVERY DAMN DAY? >> ARE YOU PHYSICALLY OR AT LEAST SPIRITUALLY BLOND?
>> WELL, WE'RE STILL ROCKING OUR BIG DUMB HATS, BUT -- >> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
WASN'T THAT LAST YEAR'S DUMB ASS THING? >> HELL YEAH.
THAT'S WHY NOW WE'RE ALL ABOUT THEM -- >> BIG DUMB CUPS.
>> IT'S MORE THAN JUST A CUP. IT'S A BIG CUP. >> IS THERE A VOID IN YOUR LIFE?
FILL IT WITH CUP. >> BIG DUMB CUPS. >> HAVE WOMEN KILLED FOR THIS
CUP? ALMOST. AND A BUNCH.
>> THIS IS THE CUP THAT SAYS I'M A VIRGIN BUT I ALSO HAVE SIX KIDS.
>> IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS MY FAVORITE RAPPER, THAT'S KESHA. >> AND IT SAYS TO THE WORLD WHEN
TRADER JOE'S DROPS A NEW SNACK, I TOUCH MYSELF. >> AND IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS I
START DECORATING FOR CHRISTMAS TOMORROW. >> BIG DUMB CUP.
>> MM. YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE BACTERIA.
>> I'M GETTING LEAD. >> IF YOUR CAR EXPLODES, YOU WON'T SURVIVE, BUT YOUR BIG DUMB
CUP WILL. >> AND IT DOESN'T LEAK AT ALL. SEE.
>> AND IT HOLDS ALMOST AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF JOSH. GET IN THERE, JOSH.
>> WANT TO HEAR A SECRET? IF I'M NOT SIPPIN', I'M PEEIN'. >> WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SPELL
IT C-U-P? I'M BAD. >> GIRL, YOU'RE CRAZY, MAMA.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE. DID YOUR CUP MAYBE GET BIGGER? >> MAYBE.
>> I GOT TWO CUPS. ONE FOR ME, AND ONE FOR MY GRANDMA'S ASHES.
SHE'S STILL WITH US, BUT NANA, WHEN YOU KICK, WE GOT THE CUP. >> I GOT ONE CUP FOR EACH OF MY
KIDS, BRIXTON, BRAXTON, BROWNSTONE, AND LIL' STANLEY. >> WELL, I GOT THE VERSION
DESIGNED BY UGG. MM, TASTES LIKE FOOT. >> EACH CUP WEIGHS UP TO 35
POUNDS. DON'T BELIEVE ME? GET A CLOSEUP.
YOU LOOK COOL FROM HEAD TO TOE. >> BIG DUMB CUP GOES EVERYWHERE I GO.
GYM, CHURCH, MY WEDDING. >> AND BIG DUMB CUP IS ALSO AN AIR FRYER.
YUM. >> I THINK MY CUP IS PREGNANT. WITH ANOTHER CUP.
>> AWW. SO CUTE! >> HEY, GIRLS.
DID YOU KNOW GUYS LIKE THESE CUPS TOO? >> FOR REAL?
>> NO WAY. >> YEAH. I GOT A MANLY RED ONE, AND I
LOVE HOW IT KEEPS MY COLD BREW COLD. >> SHOW US.
>> GROSS! >> YOU SOUND LIKE A BABY ON A TIT.
GET OUT OF HERE. >> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. WAIT.
MAMA, BE REAL WITH ME. DID YOUR CUP JUST GET EVEN BIGGER?
>> MAYBE. >> BIG DUMB CUPS FROM THE MAKERS OF BIG ASS HOUSE.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! ** * YOU KNOW I'M AN ANIMAL
I BELONG IN THE WILD WILD WILD * * WHEN I GET OUT OF CONTROL
AIN'T NO BRINGING ME DOWN, DOWN, DOWN * * YEAH
YOU KNOW I GO CRAZY I GO OFF THE WALL * * NO MJ
BUT I'M WALKING ON MOONS IT'S AMAZING BABY * * I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD ONE
CLOSEST THING TO SAINT SO I COME ALIVE ALIVE EVERY TIME TIME
WE INTERCHANGE * * YEAH DON'T CONDEMN ME I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
AND CONFESS TO YOUR TEMPLE * * YOU TAKE ME AND SERVE ME MERCY *
* SOMETHING ABOUT HOW WE BREAK ALL OF THE RULES MAKE A SINNER FEEL
SO BLESSED * * YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS MOVE RIGHT ALONG
TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS * * GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW HAND ON MY SOUL
LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE * * I COME OUT A NEW MAN NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS
SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
MAKE ME A NEW MAN AND I'M SANCTIFIED * **
* YEAH, YEAH, SING * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED * **
SANCTIFIED YEAHHH *
* I GOTTA COME TO YOU ONLY YOU WHEN I WANT TO REPENT *
* SURRENDER MY ALL RIGHT AT YOUR THRONE AND DO IT AGAIN *
* YEAH YOU CRUCIFY ME BURN ME UP UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING LEFT
INSIDE ME * * RIGHT HAND TO YOUR EVERY WORD
MY RELIGION MY LOVE * * BAPTIZED IN YOUR OCEAN WILLING AND OPEN
NEVER ENOUGH * * YEAH YOU NEVER JUDGE ME
YOU JUST TAKE YOUR HALO PUT IT RIGHT ABOVE ME * * AND THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT ABOUT HOW WE BREAK ALL OF THE RULES *
* MAKE A SINNER FEEL SO BLESSED * * YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS
MOVE RIGHT ALONG TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS * * GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW
HAND ON MY SOUL LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE * * I COME OUT A NEW MAN
NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED *
** ** * OOOOH
SANCTIFIED YEAH * * I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
EVERY NIGHT AND I PRAY FOR YOU * * DON'T YOU SEE
YOU'RE MY SAVIOR I'M MADE FOR YOU * * I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
EVERY NIGHT AND I PRAY FOR YOU * LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAKE SOME
NOISE! * DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE MY SAVIOR
SWEAR IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT I -- * * HOLD THE TOAST
JUST FOR MY PROTECTION NEED THE HOLY GHOST 'TIL THE RESURRECTION *
* BUT I STILL MIGHT BECKON ANGELS MY COMPLEXION TO SWOOP DOWN *
* YO DIRECTION AND MAKE YO CONNECTION TO ME YUH JUST A BIT STRONGER *
* I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO SIT BACK AND CONJURE A MILLION WAYS FOR YOU
TO HEAL THE MONSTER * * THAT HAS BEEN POSTURED INSIDE MY LOINS
YUH BOING * * THAT'S WHAT IT DO WHEN I SEE YOU
I KNOW YOU SEE THROUGH ME AND I AIN'T SEE THROUGH* * BUT YOU NEVER TREAT ME
LIKE I AM FECAL MATTER * * WOW HAD TA SMILE I KNOW I AIN'T SPOKE
TO YOU LIKE THIS AWHILE * * I KNOW U CRIED ME A RIVER LIKE THE NILE *
* BUT HELL I GOT BAPTIZED IN IT AND CAME OUT SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER
* KNOW THAT I COULD NEVER TRY TA MEASURE THE WEIGHT OF YA GLORY *
OOOHH * * BUT SOMETIMES WITH YOU IT'S LIKE MY HEADS IN THE POOL
AND MY EYELIDS HAVE OPENED * * CHLORINE AHH THAT HO CAN BURN *
* BUT IN RETURN ALL I DISCERN IS TO MOVE DIFFERENT *
* ONE HAS TO UNLEARN AND JUST BE SANCTIFIED *
* RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM MAKE ME A NEW MAN
NOW I'M SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED * **
SANCTIFIED YEAH *
** ** * OOOOOOOOH
SANCTIFIED YEAHHHHH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE JURY IN HIS DEFAMATION KASZ HAS ORDER DUMP TO PAY WRITER E. JEAN CAROL $83.3 MILLION, AND
TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE, SO OBVIOUSLY HE IMMEDIATELY HIT UP YOUR GRANDMA FOR FIVE BUCKS.
THEY ORDERED TRUMP TO PAY $83 MILLION. THAT'S HOW UNLIKABLE HE IS.
O.J. SIMPSON ONLY HAD TO PAY 33 MILLION FOR A DOUBLE MURDER.
>> OKAY. WELL. [ LAUGHTER ]
THIS TRIAL MUST HAVE DRIVEN TRUMP CRAZY. THE JUDGE KEPT TELLING HIM TO
SHUT UP. THE JURY MADE HIM PAY TRIPLE WHAT THE JURY ASKED FOR.
EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST MADE HIM LOOK -- MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THAT LADY WHO GOT HER FACE
RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY. THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD'VE GONE WORSE FOR TRUMP IS IF THEY TOOK
AWAY HIS BUSINESSES, WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT HAPPENS IN NEXT WEEK'S TRIAL.
>> AFTER RON DeSANTIS ENDORSED TRUMP, HE CALLED DeSANTIS A REALLY TERRIFIC PERSON.
WELL, IT'S LIKE A WISE MAN ONCE SAID. >> YOU CAN BE THE MOST WORTHLESS
REPUBLICAN IN AMERICA, BUT IF YOU KISS THE RING, HE'LL SAY YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
>> WELL. AFTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY, NIKKI HALEY ATTACKED DONALD
TRUMP AND CALLED OUT HIS, QUOTE, SENIOR MOMENTS, WHICH MADE TRUMP SO ANGRY, HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF
THE SAFETY RAILS ON HIS TOILET. [ LAUGHTER ]
TOTALLY UNHINGED AND CALLED FOR HIM TO TAKE A MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST, AND HERE'S SOME FOOTAGE OF
TRUMP TRYING TO BUZZ IN WITH HIS ANSWERS. >> DING, DING, DING, SHING, POO.
>> SEE. HE'S FINE. HASN'T LOST A STEP.
TRUMP DID HAVE A SLIGHT STUMBLE THIS WEEK WHILE TALKING ABOUT BANKS, AND HE INTRODUCED A NEW
TERM CALLED DEBANK. >> WE'RE GOING TO PAY STRONG PROTECTIONS TO STOP BANKS AND
REGULATORS FROM TRYING TO DEBANK YOU. THEY'RE GOING TO DEBANK YOU, AND
WE'RE GOING TO DEBANK --
DEBANK MEANS, BUT HE MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE D AMBULANCE TO SEE D DOCTOR.
TO SEND THE DIRECTOR OF THE CIA TO BROKER A DEAL BETWEEN ISRAEL AND HAMAS BECAUSE NO ONE EASES
TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST QUITE LIKE THE CIA. THEY'RE LIKE THE DRAYMOND GREEN
OF PEACEFUL SOLUTIONS. SINCE THE ABORTION BAN TOOK EFFECT IN TEXAS, THE NUMBER OF
TEENAGERS GIVING BIRTH IN THE STATE ROSE FOR 15 YEARS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR MY NEW STORE,
MICHAEL CHE'S MATERNITY PROM DRESSES. I LIKE THIS CROWD.
>> YEAH. >> LILY GRADSTONE IS THE FIRST NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN TO BE
NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S A HISTORIC MOMENT.
HER FELLOW NOMINEES ARE CALLING IT, PLEASE DON'T LET US WIN. GLADSTONE'S NOMINATION COMES
AFTER SEVERAL NATIVE AMERICAN ACTORS WERE SNUBBED IN THE PAST, INCLUDING JOHNNY DEPP IN LONE
RANGER. >> THE JAPANESE MOVIE GODZILLA MINUS ONE RECEIVED A SURPRISE
OSCAR NOMINATION FOR VISUAL EFFECTS. ALSO, THE GODZILLA PREQUEL,
"OPPENHEIMER." >> SPIRIT AIRLINES SHARES HAVE FALLEN 58% AFTER A FEDERAL JUDGE
BLOCKED A MERGER WITH JET BLUE. SO NOW THE ONLY WAY SPIRIT AND JET BLUE WILL MERGE IS MIDAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
CRITICS HAVE BEEN BREAKING DOWN THE FIRST TIME NOMINEES AND SURPRISE SNUBS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS A GUY NAMED ETHAN. >> HEY, EVERYONE!
HEY, COLIN. THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. I'M ETHAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI, ETHAN. SO DO YOU WORK FOR THE OSCARS OR
SOMETHING? >> NO. I COULD.
BUT I ACTUALLY STARTED MY OWN AWARDS SHOW FOR MOVIES THAT REALLY AMUSED ME, ETHAN.
I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THIS YEAR'S NOMINEES FOR BEST PERFORMANCE THAT REMINDED ME
FROM MOMENTS OF ETHAN'S PAST. THE MOMENTS ARE BRADLEY COOPER MARRYING A WOMAN, MAESTRO, BEEN
THERE. PAUL'S EYE CONDITION, THE HOLDOVERS, BEEN THERE.
AND FINALLY, THE CHICKENS BUILDING A FORT, CHICKEN RUN, DONNA THE NUGGET.
I AIN'T NO CHICKEN, BUT I'VE BEEN THERE. >> YOU'VE BEEN THERE?
I'M SORRY. THAT AWARD DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. >> I KNOW.
THERE'S SOME SERIOUS SNUBS. I'M SO OFFENDED. >> WAIT.
YOU'RE OFFENDED? DON'T YOU CHOOSE WHO GETS NOMINATED AT THE ETHANS?
>> YEAH. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM. THE LACK OF DIVERSITY.
THE ACADEMY IS 100% ASIAN. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING EVERYONE HERE TONIGHT TO DONATE TO THE
#ETHAN SO ASIAN. >> I'M SORRY. YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE TO
WHAT? WHO'S IN THE ACADEMY FOR THE ETHANS?
>> HERE'S A PHOTO FROM THE ETHAN ACADEMY'S LAST MEETING. >> IS THAT YOUR BABY?
>> WHAT? NO. I'M ONLY 15.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. >> WELL, FINE. I WAS BORN ON LEAP DAY, SO I'M
ACTUALLY 60. >> OKAY. >> ASIAN DON'T RAISIN.
RIGHT, COLIN? >> ANYWAY. WHAT DO A LOT OF THE ETHAN
AWARDS AT LEAST GO TO ASIAN PEOPLE? >> NO!
I GET TOO JEALOUS WHEN ANY OF THEM WIN ANYTHING. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
>> OKAY. THAT'S REALLY TOO BAD. >> BUT THE ETHANS HAVE A NEW
CATEGORY THIS YEAR, SUPER EXCITING, ETHAN, I, WILL BE HANDING OUT THE AWARD FOR MOVIE
MOMENT THAT MADE ETHAN SAY, OKAY, WAIT, WHAT, NICE. THE NOMINEES ARE, THE DANCING
"BARBIE." THE PENIS DANCING "SALTBURN." AND FINALLY, THE DIGITAL ARTIST
THAT CREATED FLOUNDER FOR REMINDING ME OF MY EX, REST IN PEACING WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID.
>> I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT CATEGORY EITHER. >> HOW'S THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM
THE OSCARS, COLIN? >> AMEN. >> AMEN?
ETHAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
SEGMENT. >> WHAT? OKAY.
THAT WAS BLANK! >> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO DIED THIS YEAR.
ANOTHER BLESSED YEAR FOR ETHAN. YEAH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND FINALLY, I'M SO HONORED TO BE ACCEPTING AN ETHAN THIS YEAR. MAY I, COLIN?
>> I GUESS SO, SURE. >> THIS IS ETHAN'S FIRST WIN AND 700th NOMINATION.
>> WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH. BUT I WANT TO THANK ME FOR BELIEVING IN ME, AND I WANT TO
SAY TO MYSELF IN FRONT OF ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, GO, GIRL, WITH YO BAD SELF.
YOU DID THAT. >> YEAH. I DON'T -- YEAH, THAT WAS NIECY
NASH'S SPEECH FOR THE EMMYS THIS YEAR. >> WHAT?
NO. THIS IS MY LIVED EXPERIENCE. FINALLY, I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON
BEHALF OF ALL BLACK WOMEN. >> ETHAN FROM THE ETHANS,
WORLD HAS PLANS TO INSTALL A MATERNITY WARD INSIDE THE MAGIC KINGDOM SO GUESTS CAN GIVE BIRTH
AT THE PARK. THE ONLY CATCH IS GOOFY GETS TO WATCH.
THAT'S NOT A DEAL BREAKER, IS IT? >> A MAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS
ARRESTED AFTER HE WENT TO A PLANET FITNESS, TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND THREATENED PEOPLE
WITH A KNIFE, WHICH TO BE FAIR IS THE ONLY WAY PLANET FITNESS LETS YOU CANCEL YOUR MEMBERSHIP.
>> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE SPANISH SOCCER OPERATION IS BEING CHARGED WITH SEXUAL
ASSAULT FOR KISSING A FEMALE PLAYER WITHOUT HER CONSENT. IF CONVICTED, SHE WILL BE
ALLOWED ONE FREE KICK. THAT WAS A NICE LITTLE WORD JOKE.
>> A 99-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN CANADA BROKE THREE SWIMMING RECORDS FOR HER CLASS IN ONE DAY UNTIL
FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED SHE HAD FALLEN IN. >> TWO MUSEUMS ANNOUNCED THEY
WILL RETURN GOLD AND SILVER ART FACTS THAT WERE LOOTED 150 YEARS AGO FROM GHANA.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S STILL NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT THE PEOPLE LOOTED FROM GHANA.
THERE IS GROWING INTEREST IN MAN CAMPS WHERE MEN TRY TO RECLAIM THEIR MASCULINITY BY ATTENDING
MILITARY STYLE BOOT CAMPS AND BEING BERATED BY DRILL INSTRUCTORS.
BUT THEN AT NIGHT, BIG GAY ORGY. I TELL YOU, I LIKE THIS CROWD. >> A PLANE IN BRAZIL WAS
STRANDED ON THE RUNWAY AFTER THE PLANE'S WING WAS COVERED BY A SWARM OF BEES, BEES WHO WORKED
TOGETHER TO SPELL OUT, WING IS MISSING SCREWS.
THAN A YEAR AWAY, 2024 IS SHAPING UP TO BE A BIG YEAR. HERE TO GIVE US A SENSE OF
WHAT'S IN STORE IS THE GREAT BRITISH PSYCHIC TARO CARD READER, JAN JANBI.
>> MICHAEL, NEW YORK, NEVER DID I THINK I WOULD GET ON SNL, OR WAS IT IN THE CARDS?
>> YEAH, YOU READ CARDS. >> YES, MICHAEL. I'M A CLAIRVOYANT.
BUT MAINLY, I JUST FLIP CARDS. CARE FOR A FORTUNE? >> WHY NOT?
HOW'S THE ELECTION GOING TO GO? >> YES, YES. GREAT SPIRIT, TELL NO LIES.
ELECTION REFLECTION, THE CARDS DECIDE. KISS THE TOP CARD.
KISS IT. >> KISS IT? >> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED.
>> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SEE? >> SO HERE WE HAVE THE NEWSMAN
CARD. >> THERE'S A NEWSMAN CARD? >> YES, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT
YOU, MICHAEL. LET'S SEE. AND THE HOUR GLASS.
THAT COULD BE TIME. THAT COULD BE AN HOUR OF SORTS? >> WELL, I AM TAPING AN HOUR FOR
MY NEW STANDUP SPECIAL. >> YES, YES, THE CARD PREDICTS THIS SPECIAL WILL BE YOUR -- OH,
DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. MICHAEL, IT'S THE TOILET.
>> THE TOILET? >> YES, YES. SOMETHING GOING DOWN, SOMETHING
BEING FLUSHED, PERHAPS A CAREER OR RATINGS OR MONEY OR A CAREER AGAIN.
DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND SPOT ON? #. >> HOLD ON.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M GOING TO LOSE MY CAREER THIS YEAR? >> NOT NECESSARILY.
>> OKAY. WELL, WHAT ELSE COULD THE CARDS TELL US?
ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL? >> OH, YES, WHO WILL WIN THE DREADED AMERICAN PIG SKIN.
OINK GO THE CARDS, PIG GO THE SKIN. KISS THE TOP CARD, LICK IT.
>> LICK IT? >> WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE TONGUE YOU HAVE.
>> ALL RIGHT. >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE.
OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. I'M SEEING THE NEWSMAN AGAIN.
THE CARDS AREN'T DONE WITH YOU. AND THEN, THE RIVER OF COINS. HUH.
SO THE NEWSMAN IS GIVING A GREAT, GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. BUT TO WHOM?
HUH. ONLYFANS. DOES THAT --
[ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I DON'T KNOW.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU, MICHAEL? THE NEWSMAN FINANCIALLY
SUPPORTING ONLYFANS? >> I MEAN, I WISH IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE.
>> I'M TELLING YOU THE CARDS WANT TO EMPHASIZE THESE ONLYFANS HAVE BANKRUPTED THE NEWSMAN.
>> IT'S THAT BAD? COME ON. >> WAIT.
THE CARDS ARE SPEAKING TO ME. THEY'RE STILL SPEAKING TO ME. ALL RIGHT.
THE NEWSMAN AGAIN. THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. AND NOW I'M SEEING A WEDDING
ALTER. >> OH, OKAY. THAT SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT?
>> OH, I'M NOT SURE. OH, THE CATFISH. SO IN THE END, YOUR NEWSMAN
CONNECTS TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A CATFISH. BUT WHO?
WHO IS THE CATFISH? COLIN JOST. COLIN JOST.
>> WHAT? I'VE -- I'M SORRY, MAN. I FEEL BAD, BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING
A BLAST. >> JAN JA IN, BI, EVERYBODY. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
MICHAEL CHE. COLIN JOST
EXCITED WHEN LILY MET RILE, BUT WHEN ATLAS CAME BACK. >> AM I A BAD PERSON FOR LIKING
ATLAS? >> I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO OR WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.
>> GIRL, DIDN'T YOU READ THE BOOK? >> WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, NO.
MY MIND'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT ELSEWHERE. >> OKAY.
GOT YA. CAN I JUST SAY I TOTALLY RELATED TO HOW SHE FOUND LOVE?
>> I HAVE BEEN SO SWAMPED. PREOCCUPIED REALLY. >> REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
>> THINGS HAVE JUST BEEN A LITTLE BIT CRAZY. SINCE I GOT THE CALL.
>> WHAT CALL? >> YOU KNOW, THAT FAMOUS CALL. THAT SAYS I'M GOING TO BE ON
"SHARK TANK." >> YES, I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA, AND AFTER
WE SHOOT, THINGS ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT. THE POWER STRUCTURE IN THIS
FRIEND GROUP IS GONNA SHIFT. >> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE AN INVENTOR.
>> YEAH. WHAT'S THE IDEA? >> WELL, IT'S JUST THIS LITTLE
T-SHIRT THAT SAYS -- DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY.
BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING. >> SO IS IT LIKE A SPECIAL TYPE
OF T-SHIRT? >> HOW DO YOU MEAN? >> LIKE DOES THE T-SHIRT DO
ANYTHING? >> OR IS IT JUST A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS THAT ON IT?
>> HUH, BINGO. SHE MIGHT BE UGLY, BUT SHE'S SMART.
>> GIRL, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S REALLY "SHARK TANK "MATERIAL. >> ARE YOU JEALOUS THAT WHEN I'M
A MILLIONAIRE WE'LL ALL HANG OUT AT MY SUPER COOL MANSION INSTEAD OF YOUR SMALL STINKY HOUSE?
>> MY HOUSE ISN'T STINKY. >> WELL -- >> IT'S GROSS.
>> I'M JUST SAYING I THINK A SHIRT THAT SAYS DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM ISN'T ENOUGH TO BAIT THE
SHARKS. >> THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS, NUMB-NUTS.
I DISTILLED THE ENTIRE HUMAN EXPERIENCE INTO THREE SENTENCES. DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY. BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING.
>> IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK IT'S TOO MANY WORDS. >> INTERESTING.
STINK BUG THINKS MY T-SHIRT'S TOO CLUTTERED. WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
ARE YOU OKAY? >> YEAH. >> YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
>> YES. >> HEY, JESS, ARE YOU OKAY? >> YOU CAN TELL US.
ARE YOU OKAY? >> OH, MY GOD, YES. PLEASE STOP ASKING IF I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. >> HEY.
ARE YOU OKAY? [ CRYING ]. >> IT'S JUST THAT JAMES GOT LAID
OFF A FEW MONTHS BACK, AND HE SAYS HE'S LOOKING FOR WORK, BUT I FOLLOWED HIM MONDAY, AND HE
SAT IN HIS CAR AND ATE TWO BAGELS WITH NOTHING ON THEM AND NOT CUT IN HALF.
>> HERE. TAKE THIS. IT'S YOURS.
>> THANK YOU FOR THIS. >> I'LL GIVE YOU 400 K FOR 20% STAKE IN YOUR COMPANY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'LL GIVE YOU 500 K, FIVE, FOR 10%.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELL, HOW'S A COOL MILLION SOUND?
>> WELL, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK TOGETHER, I'LL TAKE ALL THE MONEY.
>> OKAY. IT'S A DEAL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * IF THEY SAW WHAT I SAW THEY WOULD FALL
THE WAY I FELL * * BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT
AND BABY I WOULD NEVER TELL * * IF THEY KNOW WHAT I KNOW
THEY WOULD NEVER LET YOU GO * * SO GUESS WHAT?
I AIN'T EVER LETTIN' YOU GO * * 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS
WERE MADE FOR MINE * * AND MY HEART WOULD GO FLATLINE
IF IT WASN'T BEATIN' FOR YOU ALL THE TIME * * SO IF I GET JEALOUS
I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU I GUESS I'M SELFISH *
* IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT * * WHEN YOU'RE OUT
LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO * * PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * * MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * * EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS
I HOPE THAT IT'S YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE * * I WANNA TELL YOU
EVERYTHING EVERYTHING THAT'S ON MY MIND *
* AND I DON'T WANT ANY OTHER GUYS TAKIN' MY PLACE GIRL *
* I GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE I KNOW I MAY BE WRONG BUT I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT *
* 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS WERE MADE FOR MINE * * AND MY HEART
WOULD GO FLATLINE IF IT WASN'T BEATIN' FOR YOU ALL THE TIME *
* SO IF I GET JEALOUS I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH * * IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT *
* WHEN YOU'RE OUT LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO *
* PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU *
* MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL *
* PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU *
* MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL *
* OWNER OF MY HEART TATTOOED YOUR MARK THERE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD
TO SEE * * YOU'RE THE OWNER OF MY HEART
AND ALL MY SCARS * * BABY YOU GOT SUCH A HOLD ON ME SO *
* SO IF I GET JEALOUS I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH * I GUESS I'M SELFISH * * IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT * * WHEN YOU'RE OUT LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO * * PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * * MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL *
* PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU *
* MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * * JEALOUS BUT I CAN'T HELP IT
I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU I GUESS I'M SELFISH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THREE MISSED CONNECTIONS, A NIGHT SPENT ON THE FLOOR IN ST. PAUL, AND NOW MY LOST BAG.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST COUPLE OF DAYS OF MY LIFE, BUT I MET YOU.
>> NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL, HUH? >> NOT BAD AT ALL. >> THAT'S ONE BEAUTIFUL BAG FOR
AN EVEN BEAUTIFULER WOMAN. FOR REAL, YOU COULD DO PORNOGRAPHY.
ALL RIGHT. NEXT. >> HEY, I'M HERE TO -- SORRY.
PORNOGRAPHY? >> YEAH. MY APOLOGIES.
THAT WAS JUST A PRIVATE THOUGHT THAT I SAID OUTLOUD. >> I THINK I LOST IT.
SORRY. >> HOLD ON. MRS. VANESSA, NO TAG, NO BAG.
>> COME ON. THAT'S MINE. >> MRS. VANESSA, HELLO?
>> YEAH. HI. I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
LOOK, THAT'S MY BAG. >> LOOK, RESPECTFULLY, FOR ALL I KNOW, THIS COULD BE AN ISIS BAG.
>> YOU THINK I'M IN ISIS? >> I CAN'T JUST TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, MRS. VANESSA.
I GOT TO CONFIRM THE CONTENTS OF THE BAG, AND THEN YOU'LL BE GOOD TO GO.
I AM LOOKING AT A DIARY. CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LAST ENTRY?
>> NO, I'M NOT DOING THAT. >> THEN I'M SORRY, MA'AM. NO BAG.
>> ALL RIGHT. FINE. ABOUT HOW I MET THIS GUY, AND I
THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE. >> OH, MY GOD. >> AND THE ENTRY CONTINUES.
I'M WORRIED THAT HE MIGHT BE -- >> POOR. >> WHOA!
>> SORRY. IT WAS AFTER YOU VENMO REQUESTED ME FOR A SODA.
I JUST -- >> NOW, MRS. VANESSA. YOU STILL THERE?
>> DUDE, THIS ISN'T A PHONE CALL. I HAVE NOT MOVED FROM YOUR EYE
LINE. I'M RIGHT HERE. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO?
IS THE DIARY ENTRY NOT ENOUGH? >> THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS YOUR BAG.
THAT DIARY COULD HAVE FLOWN UP OUT OF YOUR BAG, STOPPED, AND THEN DOWN INTO ANOTHER.
>> THERE'S NO WAY THAT HAPPENED. >> ALSO SEEING SOME MEDICATION. CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE LABEL
SAYS? >> IMODIUM. >> UH-HUH.
CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFICALLY? >> IT'S EXTREME IMODIUM FOR UNUSUAL DIARRHEA.
>> NOW UNUSUAL LIKE HOW? BECAUSE I WOULDN'T CONSIDER ANY DIARRHEA AS USUAL.
THIS MUST BE LIKE A SPOOKY KIND, HUH? >> MAYBE WE DON'T GO BACK TO
MINE. >> NO, PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
CAN I PLEASE SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR? >> YEAH.
RANGO, YOU BACK THERE? >> YEAH. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
>> I THINK THIS BEAUTIFUL LADY MAY BE DISPLEASED. >> WELL, HOW CAN I BE OF
ASSISTANCE? >> WHY DO YOU GUYS TALK THE SAME?
>> WELL, THIS IS MY SON. >> UH-HUH. >> AND THIS IS MY FATHER, RANGO.
>> THAT'S SHORT FOR RANGORIUS. HELLO TO YOU, BEAUTIFUL TRAVELER.
>> CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ME BAG BACK. I'VE PROVEN THAT'S MY
MEDICATION. >> YOUR MEDICATION COULD HAVE EASILY FLOWN UP OUT OF YOUR BAG,
STOPPED, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND THEN LANDED INTO ANOTHER. >> I'M JUST GOING TO HEAD OUT.
HAVEN'T SLEPT, THIS IS SUPER WEIRD, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL.
I DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE DIARRHEA THING, BUT ALSO LIKE I DON'T LOVE IT, SO.
NICE TO MEET YOU. >> MRS. VANESSA, I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL SOMEWHAT RESPONSIBLE
FOR THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT, TAKE THE BAG AND GO.
>> THANK YOU. VERY MUCH. >> THAT WAS A VERY NICE LADY.
VERY NICE LADY. >> HI. I'M LOOKING FOR MY LOST BAG.
CAN YOU HELP ME? >> WELL, ANYTHING FOR A BEAUTIFUL LADY SUCH AS YOURSELF.
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN DO PORNOGRAPHY? >> HONEY, I ALREADY DO.
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, JIMMY FALLON, MARK CUBAN, AND -- THANKS FOR COMING
OUT!