1 00:00:02,302 --> 00:00:05,739 >>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP ON CBS. 2 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:13,680 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELLO EVERYONE WELCOME TO THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP BETWEEN THE 3 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:19,219 BALTIMORE RAVENS AND THE KANSAS CITY CHIEFS. I'M JIM NANTZ ALONGSIDE TONY 4 00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:22,655 ROMO. DO YOU LOVE TO SHAKE, RATTLE, AND ROLL? 5 00:00:22,655 --> 00:00:31,031 BECAUSE YOU'LL DO ALL THREE ON A BOEING MAX 739. ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY'S 6 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:35,368 MATCHUP? >> WITHOUT A DOUBT, JIM. WE'VE GOT TWO GENERATIONAL 7 00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:40,740 TALENTS AT QUARTERBACK, TWO ELITE DEFENSES. I EXPECT IT TO BE AN ALL-OUT 8 00:00:40,740 --> 00:00:44,477 BATTLE FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS. AND AFTER THAT, IT'S ALL OVER. >> ALL OVER? 9 00:00:44,477 --> 00:00:48,715 >> FOOTBALL. AFTER TODAY, IT'S JUST -- IT'S DONE. 10 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:52,686 >> WELL, THERE'S STILL THE SUPER BOWL. >> YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT REAL 11 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:56,856 FOOTBALL. SUPER BOWL IS FOR COMMERCIALS AND USHER AND PEOPLE WHO NEVER 12 00:00:56,856 --> 00:01:02,128 WATCH FOOTBALL ASKING HOW MANY POINTS A TOUCHDOWN IS WORTH. TODAY'S THE LAST REAL FOOTBALL 13 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:12,205 DAY FOR JUST US GUYS. >> TONY, ARE YOU OKAY, BUD? >> NAH, NOT REALLY. 14 00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:16,976 >> ALL RIGHT. WELL, LET'S THROW IT OVER TO JAMES BROWN AND OUR HALF TIME 15 00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:20,613 CREW FOR A SNEAK PEEK AT WHAT'S AHEAD. >> THANKS, JIM. 16 00:01:20,613 --> 00:01:25,719 I'M HERE WITH PHIL SIMMS, BILL COWHER, AND NATE BURLESON. AND WE WERE JUST LISTENING TO 17 00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:29,356 WHAT TONY SAID, AND REALLY GOT US THINKING. >> YEAH. 18 00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:36,463 I'M REALIZING THAT AFTER THIS GAME ENDS, THERE'S JUST NOTHING. >> WELL, WHAT ARE MEN SUPPOSED 19 00:01:36,463 --> 00:01:42,435 TO DO ON SUNDAYS NOW? JUST GO TO THEIR FRIENDS' HOUSES FOR NO REASON? 20 00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:46,339 >> WITHOUT FOOTBALL, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO TALK ABOUT? I MEAN, DOES ANYONE HAVE 21 00:01:46,339 --> 00:01:51,244 ANYTHING REMOTELY INTERESTING OR INSIGHTFUL TO SAY? >> I WISH INSTEAD OF SALT, THE 22 00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:58,351 OCEAN WAS FULL OF SUGAR. >> OH, JESUS. WE'RE DOOMED. 23 00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:03,623 >> WELL, COME ON NOW. DON'T FORGET WE STILL GOT THE PRO BOWL COMING UP. 24 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:09,295 >> JIM, I HAVE BEEN COVERING FOOTBALL FOR 30 YEARS, AND I HAVE NEVER ONCE WATCHED THE PRO 25 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:12,966 BOWL. >> YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T JUST ABOUT US. 26 00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:17,103 AMERICA NEEDS FOOTBALL. IT'S THE ONLY THING EVERYONE STILL WATCHES. 27 00:02:17,103 --> 00:02:25,378 >> ESPECIALLY LIVE. THERE'S NO OTHER LIVE TV THAT'S EVEN REMOTELY WATCHABLE. 28 00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:32,585 >> WELL, THANK GOD CBS STILL HAS "BLUE BLOODS," THE NUMBER ONE DRAMA IN EVERY DENTIST OFFICE. 29 00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:38,324 >> "BLUE BLOODS" NOW IN ITS -- WAIT, FINAL SEASON? NOW THEY'RE TAKING "BLUE BLOODS" 30 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:42,462 FROM US TOO? >> WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN REPLACING IT WITH? 31 00:02:42,462 --> 00:02:49,769 >> OH, MY -- SO HELP ME TODD? WHAT IS THAT? >> IT SOUNDS TODD DAMN AWFUL. 32 00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:56,109 PEOPLE ARE GETTING UPSET ABOUT "BARBIE" GETTING STUBBED. WHAT ABOUT "YELLOWSTONE"? 33 00:02:56,109 --> 00:03:01,414 ZERO EMMY NOMINATIONS? >> "YELLOWSTONE" IS OUR "BARBIE." 34 00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:08,555 AND I UNDERSTAND THAT MARGOT ROBBIE GOT SNUBBED, I REALLY DO, BUT -- I'M SORRY. 35 00:03:08,555 --> 00:03:15,128 BUT THEY'RE COMING AFTER GOSLING? KEN WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT 36 00:03:15,128 --> 00:03:20,367 SEEN IN A MOVIE. >> ALL RIGHT. GUYS, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO 37 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:26,072 JUST CALM DOWN, OKAY? LET'S GO TO TRACY WOLFSON WHO'S STANDING ON THE SIDELINES WITH 38 00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:30,777 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS HEAD COACH ANDY REID. >> COACH REID, ARE YOU UPSET 39 00:03:30,777 --> 00:03:34,280 ABOUT THE SEASON ENDING? >> WHY? BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME I GET 40 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,451 TO HANG OUT WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND NOW THAT'S OVER? I'M SORRY. 41 00:03:38,451 --> 00:03:46,760 I NEED TO GO. >> GUYS, WHAT IS GOING ON? CAN WE JUST DO OUR FINAL 42 00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:51,097 PREDICTIONS? >> I PREDICT THAT PEOPLE WILL BE SO DEPRESSED THAT DRY JANUARY 43 00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:56,803 WILL GIVE WAY TO LIVER FAILURE FEBRUARY. >> I PREDICT THAT ONE OF US WILL 44 00:03:56,803 --> 00:04:03,043 APPEAR IN A COMMERCIAL FOR PENIS PILLS. BUT WE WON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY 45 00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:09,249 MAKE YOUR PENIS LONGER, HARDER, STRAIGHTER, OR MAKE IT LOSE WEIGHT. 46 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:13,253 >> WELL, I PREDICT I'M GOING TO CRY. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS SO DAMN 47 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:22,095 MUCH. >> I PREDICT RAVENS. >> YOU KNOW, I JUST REALIZED 48 00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:28,234 SOMETHING. AFTER TODAY, WE MAY NOT HAVE FOOTBALL, BUT WE STILL HAVE EACH 49 00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:31,671 OTHER. TO QUOTE "FAST AND FURIOUS" THREE THROUGH SEVEN, IT'S ABOUT 50 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:36,076 FAMILY, AND NOT COUNTING MY WIFE AND THREE KIDS, YOU GUYS ARE THE ONLY FAMILY I GOT. 51 00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:47,854 ** * IT'LL BE A LONG DAY WITHOUT YOU MY FRIENDS, AND I'LL TELL 52 00:04:47,854 --> 00:04:56,196 YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I SEE YOU AGAIN * * I'LL PLAY SOME GOLF IN 53 00:04:56,196 --> 00:05:04,337 PHOENIX, MAYBE GET SOME GAMBLING IN, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN, 54 00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:27,861 WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN * * OH, OH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH, WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN * 55 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:31,931 WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN * >> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 56 00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:42,542 >> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 57 00:06:57,083 --> 00:07:22,542 FEATURING -- A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T 58 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:29,149 DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. 59 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:35,188 AND YOUR HOST -- DAKOTA JOHNSON. 60 00:07:43,797 --> 00:08:07,087 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU. 61 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:11,725 THANK YOU VERY MUCH. IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 62 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:19,432 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS RIGHT AFTER THE SNL 40th. 63 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:26,239 I WAS ACTUALLY IN THE AUDIENCE FOR THAT SPECIAL. LOOK AT THIS PHOTO. 64 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:31,244 LOOK AT THIS COLLECTION OF PEOPLE. SARAH PALIN, GEORGE LUCAS, 65 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:38,184 STEVEN SPIELBERG, AND LOOK WHO'S SITTING RIGHT BEHIND ME. IT'S JUST CRAZY TO BE STANDING 66 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:45,058 SO CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHO WOULD BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON IN AMERICA. 67 00:08:45,058 --> 00:08:55,802 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I HAVE A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT. IT'S CALLED "MADAME WEB." 68 00:08:55,802 --> 00:09:01,408 IT IS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE, AND IT ALSO STARS SYDNEY SWEENEY. 69 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:08,448 SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE IF AI GENERATED YOUR BOYFRIEND'S PERFECT MOVIE. 70 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:13,920 I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF PRESS FOR IT, AND I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT TALKING TO JOURNALISTS. 71 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:20,894 I THINK THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT I SAY STUFF, AND THEN THEY WRITE IT DOWN. 72 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:27,167 AND IT'S REALLY UNFAIR. BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME, I'M JOKING. 73 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:34,040 EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T TAKE INTERVIEWS SERIOUSLY. LOOK AT ME ON THIS RED CARPET 74 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:40,280 WITH MY DAD WHEN I WAS 7. >> WELL, THEY'RE MY BIGGEST FANS, AND THE BEST BAROMETER 75 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:47,153 THAT I HAVE, AND THEY LOVE THE SHOW. [ LAUGHTER ] 76 00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:56,396 [ APPLAUSE ] >> ANYWAY, I'M SO EXCITED TO BE BACK AT SNL. 77 00:09:56,396 --> 00:10:04,337 IT'S ALSO A SORT OF REUNION FOR ME AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. WE WERE ACTUALLY IN A MOVIE 78 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:17,851 TOGETHER CALLED "THE SOCIAL NETWORK." [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 79 00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:22,789 >> SHUT UP. I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS, DAKOTA. >> JUSTIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP 80 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:26,159 HERE? ARE YOU LOST? >> I HEARD MY NAME. 81 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:30,230 I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY CUE. >> OH, NO. YOU'RE THE MUSICAL GUEST. 82 00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:36,102 >> OKAY. WELL, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE IN SKETCHES, I HAVE -- 83 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:44,911 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] -- I'VE HOSTED BEFORE. >> YEAH. 84 00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:51,017 WELL, THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO, SO. >> WAS IT THAT LONG? 85 00:10:51,017 --> 00:10:56,523 >> WELL, I MEAN, EITHER WAY, I'M SO HAPPY YOU CHOSE MY SHOW FOR YOUR COMEBACK. 86 00:10:56,523 --> 00:11:05,899 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S -- HMM, COMEBACK. IS THAT WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT? 87 00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:08,268 >> YEAH. COMEBACK IN A GOOD WAY. >> OKAY. 88 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:13,673 I SEE WHAT THIS IS. THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE A JOKE LIKE FIRST HE WAS BRINGING SEXY 89 00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:16,609 BACK, AND NOW HE'S BRINGING COMING BACK. >> I WOULDN'T PHRASE IT LIKE 90 00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:22,582 THAT. >> WELL, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. NOW THAT I HEARD THAT OUTLOUD, 91 00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:29,522 THAT WAS -- SORRY. ANYWAYS, JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD LUCK, AND YOU'RE GOING TO CRUSH 92 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,990 IT. >> THANK YOU. >> AND I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME. 93 00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,659 >> OKAY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> ARE WE DOING IT? 94 00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:50,944 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I JUST -- I'M -- I'M HERE TO -- I'M HERE TO SAY BREAK A LEG. 95 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:53,380 >> OKAY. >> THESE ARE MY NORMAL CLOTHES. BREAK A LEG. 96 00:11:53,380 --> 00:12:03,056 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT TO SAY THIS IS MY FAVORITE PLACE 97 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:08,161 TO BE, AND I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE HERE. WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU 98 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:12,665 TONIGHT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HERE. STICK AROUND 99 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,068 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HERE. STICK AROUND WE|LL BE BACK 100 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:31,084 IT'S LIKE A MINI MASON FAMILY REUNION. >> WELL HELLO MANSON FAMILY. 101 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:35,689 I HEAR WE'RE CELEBRATING A REUNION TONIGHT. >> OH, IT'S MASON. 102 00:12:35,689 --> 00:12:38,892 SORRY. WE'RE JUST NOT THE MANSON FAMILY. 103 00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:44,631 >> SORRY. MR. MASON, GUESS I'M JUST A LITTLE OFF MY GAME TODAY. 104 00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:48,768 >> NO, NO. ALL GOOD. WE'RE READY TO ORDER IF YOU ARE, 105 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:50,437 THOUGH. >> YEAH. GO FOR IT. 106 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:55,542 LET'S GET STARTED. >> THE SHRIMP SCAMPI. NOT GOING TO WRITE THAT DOWN? 107 00:12:55,542 --> 00:13:00,547 >> I'VE WORKED HERE A LONG TIME. I HAVEN'T WRITTEN DOWN AN ORDER IN 15 YEARS. 108 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:04,584 >> IMPRESSIVE. WELL, I'LL DO THE CALIFORNIA CLUB. 109 00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:12,058 >> GOT YA. >> I'LL DO THE BONE-IN RIBEYE. >> AND CAESAR SALAD FOR ME AND 110 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:17,697 CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY. >> THAT'LL BE THE SHRIMP SCAMPI, 111 00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:23,069 THE CALIFORNIA SALAD, THE BONE-IN SALAD, AND CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY? 112 00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:28,308 >> THAT'S NOT IT. >> SO SORRY. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME 113 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:32,245 BEFORE. BUT I GOT IT NOW. IT'S GOING TO BE THE RIBEYE, THE 114 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:42,322 CHICKEN FONGERS, THE BAGEL WITH FONGER SAUCE, ADVIL ON THE ROCKS, AND A MANGO JUUL POD FOR 115 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:44,624 THE LITTLE GUY? >> NOT CLOSE. >> WOW. 116 00:13:44,624 --> 00:13:52,098 I THINK I'M FREAKING OUT NOW. MY APOLOGIES, CHARLES MANSON. >> IT'S DAVE MASON. 117 00:13:52,098 --> 00:13:55,101 >> SORRY. IS THERE A PROBLEM OVER HERE? >> YEAH. 118 00:13:55,101 --> 00:13:59,005 I AM JUST HAVING TROUBLE TAKING THEIR ORDERS. DO YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER WHILE I 119 00:13:59,005 --> 00:14:03,443 DO SOME BREATH WORK TO CALM DOWN? >> SURE THING. 120 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:07,747 WHAT CAN I GET YOU? >> ALL RIGHT. WE'LL GET THE SHRIMP SCAMPI. 121 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:10,250 >> UH-HUH. >> THE CALIFORNIA CLUB. >> YEP. 122 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:16,656 >> CAESAR SALAD, THE RIBEYE, AND CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY. 123 00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:20,927 >> SO THAT'S FOUR RIBEYES FOR THE TABLE AND CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY. 124 00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,696 >> NO. >> I'M SORRY. NO. 125 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:30,637 SO FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE TABLE, FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE KITCHEN, AND A DIET ADVIL 126 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,072 FOR THE LITTLE GAY. >> EXCUSE ME. LITTLE GAY? 127 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:38,078 >> SORRY. I'M SO SORRY. WHEW. 128 00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:45,185 I'M NERVOUS. PARTIALLY BECAUSE TODAY IS MY FIRST DAY AS MANAGER, AND 129 00:14:45,185 --> 00:14:51,458 PARTIALLY BECAUSE, UM, WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO SHARON TATE. 130 00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:59,566 >> WE'RE NOT THE MANSONS. YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO TELL THE CHEF DIRECTLY. 131 00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,535 EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET THE SHRIMP SCAMPI? >> NEVER HEARD OF THAT, BUT 132 00:15:02,535 --> 00:15:06,473 COMING UP. >> I WANT THE SHRIMP SCAMPI. >> OH, I GOT IT. 133 00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:15,281 COMING RIGHT UP. ONE SCOOBY SHAMPOOEY. >> NO, I WANT THE SKIMP -- DAMN 134 00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:17,384 IT. NOW I'M DOING IT. >> I'M SORRY. 135 00:15:17,384 --> 00:15:21,421 IT'S HONESTLY BEEN A REALLY CRAZY SHIFT AND EVERYONE IS FRIED. 136 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:26,059 I WILL GET YOUR MEAL COMPED. LET'S JUST START OVER. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? 137 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:30,964 >> YOU KNOW, THE CHICKEN FONGERS LOOKED PRETTY GOOD. >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT OUR 138 00:15:30,964 --> 00:15:35,568 TABLE? >> I'M SORRY. I THINK I JUST FEEL FLUSTERED 139 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:39,439 BECAUSE YOUR SHORT FRIEND IS STARING AT MY RACK. >> HE'S NOT SHORT. 140 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,975 HE'S A CHILD. >> ALL RIGHT. FINE. 141 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:47,514 IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU ALL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME YOUR ORDERED ONE MORE TIME, AND I 142 00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:54,320 WILL WRITE IT DOWN. >> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THIS IS THE LAST TIME WE DO THIS! 143 00:15:54,320 --> 00:16:00,760 THE SCRIMP SCAMPI, THE CALIFORNIA CLUB, THE CAESAR SALAD, THE BONE-IN RIBEYE, AND 144 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:07,200 THE CHICKEN FINGERS, NOT THE CHICKEN FONGERS, FOR THE LITTLE GUY. 145 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,036 YOU GOT IT NOW? >> WILL YOU REPEAT THAT ONE MORE TIME? 146 00:16:10,036 --> 00:16:17,811 BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY DREW YOU. >> OH, COME ON. >> THAT IS VERY GOOD. 147 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:28,722 >>> DAVID, COULD YOU LOOK IN THE CABINET FOR THE TV REMOTE? MY LEG'S HURTING SOMETHING AWFUL 148 00:16:28,722 --> 00:16:33,393 TODAY. >> YEAH, SURE, DAD. OH, WHOA. 149 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:37,263 ARE THESE -- >> HOME MOVIES? YEP. 150 00:16:37,263 --> 00:16:41,901 >> YOUR FATHER ALWAYS HAD THAT CAMERA OUT. >> DO YOU MIND IF I PUT THEM ON? 151 00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:45,805 >> I WOULD LOVE THAT. >> LET'S JUST BE QUIET. WE DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP 152 00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:52,512 GRANDMA. >> GOD DAVID! I MISS THOSE DAYS. 153 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:58,585 >> THE ONLY THING I DON'T MISS ARE THOSE GRASS STAINS. * HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU * 154 00:16:58,585 --> 00:17:05,358 >> OH, WOW, MY THIRD BIRTHDAY. >> YOU JUST ABOUT ATE THAT WHOLE DURN CAKE. 155 00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:10,063 >> WHAT'S THIS ONE, DAD? >> THAT IS THE DAY THAT I FOUND OUT I WAS GOING TO BE A DADDY. 156 00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:18,471 COME ON. POP IT IN. >> SHE LIKES TO SLEEP AROUND, 157 00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:23,343 AND HE'S A BROKE-ASS LIAR. THERE'S JUST ONE THING WE DON'T KNOW -- 158 00:17:23,343 --> 00:17:32,786 >> IS HE THE FATHER? >> YOU KNOW YOU ARE, RAY. YOU'RE DEADBEAT ASS IS THE 159 00:17:32,786 --> 00:17:35,755 DADDY. ADMIT IT! >> THAT BABY DON'T EVEN LOOK 160 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:39,259 LIKE ME! HOW CAN I BE THE DADDY? >> WHAT'S THIS? 161 00:17:39,259 --> 00:17:45,899 >> IT'S THE COREY DERVITCH SHOW. WE OWE A LOT TO THAT GOOD MAN. >> AMEN. 162 00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:50,737 >> AMBER HAS A BABY NAMED DAVID, AND SHE'S CONVINCED THE FATHER IS RAY, A MAN SHE MET AT A 163 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:55,208 BACKYARD WRESTLING EVENT. >> YO, YO, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING. 164 00:17:55,208 --> 00:18:01,281 I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING. SHE A HO. >> OH! 165 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:05,919 >> DAD! >> NO, SHH. WATCH THIS PART. 166 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:11,024 >> NOW HOW Y'ALL KNOW I'M THE DADDY WHEN SHE BE SLEEPING WITH EVERYBODY. 167 00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:14,594 >> WELL, OF COURSE I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH EVERYBODY. I GOT THIS ASS, DON'T I? 168 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:22,102 I GOT THIS ASS, DON'T I? >> BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER MAN WHO MIGHT BE THE FATHER. 169 00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:30,043 AND HERE HE IS, AMBER'S COWORKER AT GAME STOP, ZACH BARBACANO, AKA, SPOOKY. 170 00:18:30,043 --> 00:18:33,646 >> BOO! >> OH, OKAY! YEAH, OKAY. 171 00:18:33,646 --> 00:18:38,118 SHUT UP! >> WHO THE HELL IS SPOOKY? >> WE HAVE A QUESTION IN THE 172 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:43,056 AUDIENCE FROM AMBER'S MOTHER. >> I HAVE A QUESTION YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE 173 00:18:43,056 --> 00:18:49,662 ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH MY DAUGHTER, YOU WERE ALSO SLEEPING WITH ME? 174 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:57,904 >> IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT. >> OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, MA? >> FIGHT ME! 175 00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:05,011 >> I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! >> WAIT, WAIT, ARE WE EVEN SURE THIS IS A BABY? 176 00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:12,385 I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS THING! LOOK LIKE A DAMN BENJAMIN BUTTON. 177 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:18,224 SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL -- UGLY BABY. >> UGLY BABY! 178 00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:20,593 >> UGLY BABY! UGLY BABY! UGLY BABY! 179 00:19:23,897 --> 00:19:28,034 RIGHT HERE. >> WHATEVER HAPPENS, I STILL PLAN ON BEING IN THIS BABY'S 180 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:34,674 LIFE. >> WHEN IT COMES TO 6-MONTH-OLD DAVID, SPOOKY, YOU ARE NOT THE 181 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:42,082 FATHER. >> YES! GOD IS REAL, Y'ALL, COME ON! 182 00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:45,385 I TOLD Y'ALL! >> STOP! THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING. 183 00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:48,521 >> BABY? >> WHAT? >> WILL YOU MARRY ME? 184 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:52,258 >> NO. GET AWAY FROM ME! >> I TOLD YOU. 185 00:19:52,258 --> 00:20:00,633 I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU. >> SPOOKY, LOOK OUT! 186 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:08,541 >> WHO WANTS SOME? >> THAT'S WHY YOU NEED A CANE? YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A SKIING 187 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,745 ACCIDENT. >> LOOK, SON, I KNOW IT'S A LOT TO TAKE IN. 188 00:20:11,745 --> 00:20:14,881 >> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE WE STARTED. LOOK AT US NOW. 189 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:23,556 WE ARE A FAMILY. AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER. OH, LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S NEW 190 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:31,064 NURSE IS HERE. >> LET'S GO, LINDA. TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION. 191 00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:33,833 >> LET'S GO, LINDA. TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION. I SWITCHED THE RESULTS. 192 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:48,848 SHOW. * WELL * >> TONIGHT, THERE'S GUEST 193 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:54,654 STAR -- * IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS * >> FROM THE NATION, ELIE MYSTAL. 194 00:20:54,654 --> 00:20:59,759 * DISCUSSING POLITICS. >> COACH OF THE FORWARD PARTY, ANDREW YANG. 195 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:09,369 * AND THE ISSUES OF THE DAY, HEY * >> BLOGGER AND POLITICAL 196 00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:15,408 ACTIVIST, JOANNE CARDUCCI. * AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU THOUGH YOU MAY NOT WANT ME TO * 197 00:21:15,408 --> 00:21:19,946 >> AND AS ALWAYS -- * GUESS WHAT, I'M STILL GOING TO TALK TO YOU * 198 00:21:19,946 --> 00:21:26,853 >> BARRY'S BROTHER ROBIN. * I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY, TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB 199 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:33,093 TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT ISSUES, TALKIN' 'BOUT REAL IMPORTANT ISSUES * 200 00:21:33,093 --> 00:21:43,336 * TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW, CHECKIN' OUT POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY 201 00:21:43,336 --> 00:21:46,306 TOWN, YEAH * >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST, BARRY GIBB. 202 00:21:46,306 --> 00:21:51,778 >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST, BARRY GIBB. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 203 00:21:57,550 --> 00:22:02,222 WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. THIS IS MY SHOW, AND IT'S A 204 00:22:02,222 --> 00:22:06,760 NO-NONSENSE SHOW. I DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP FROM ANYONE. 205 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:14,134 LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT. IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR, AND PEOPLE SEEM DISILLUSIONED BY THE 206 00:22:14,134 --> 00:22:19,105 POLITICAL SYSTEM. PEOPLE FEEL ONE CANDIDATE IS TOO OLD AND THE OTHER WILL BE 207 00:22:19,105 --> 00:22:21,441 DISTRACTED BY HIS LEGAL PROBLEMS. ROBIN, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO 208 00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:25,645 ADD? >> NO. NO, I DON'T. 209 00:22:25,645 --> 00:22:34,454 >> OKAY. ELIE, DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS OVERSTATING THE NEGATIVES OF THE 210 00:22:34,454 --> 00:22:38,992 NATION TO GET VIEWS AND CLICKS? >> WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING QUESTION. 211 00:22:38,992 --> 00:22:42,562 >> OH, IS IT? IT'S INTERESTING? YOU FIND IT INTERESTING? 212 00:22:42,562 --> 00:22:47,400 >> YEAH, I DO. >> WELL, I FIND YOU INTERESTING, OKAY? 213 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:52,672 YOU LOOK LIKE IF DON KING ATE ANOTHER DON KING! I WILL UNHINGE MY JAW AND BITE 214 00:22:52,672 --> 00:22:57,477 YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A GOLDFISH CRACKER -- * THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK, 215 00:22:57,477 --> 00:23:04,317 THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK * I WILL PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY YOU. 216 00:23:04,317 --> 00:23:10,490 EVERY MONTH I WILL REPLACE YOUR SHOES WITH AN IDENTICAL PAIR OF ONE BIGGER SIZE SO YOU THINK 217 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:15,628 YOUR FEET ARE SHRINKING. I FEAR NOTHING! I WATCHED "SALTBURN" WITH MY 218 00:23:15,628 --> 00:23:19,065 ENTIRE FAMILY! AND I KNEW ABOUT THE BATHTUB SCENE BEFOREHAND, AND I LOVED 219 00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:30,276 IT! * HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, LICKING THE DRAIN, HUMPING THE 220 00:23:30,276 --> 00:23:37,150 GRAVE * DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN? 221 00:23:37,150 --> 00:23:49,396 >> NO. NO, I DON'T. >> LET'S GET TO OUR NEXT GUEST. 222 00:23:49,396 --> 00:23:57,671 ANDREW YANG, CULTURE OF THE FORWARD PARTY. DO YOU THINK A THIRD PARTY 223 00:23:57,671 --> 00:24:01,041 CANDIDATE COULD GAIN ENOUGH VOTES TO WIN THE GENERAL ELECTION? 224 00:24:01,041 --> 00:24:04,344 >> WELL, BARRY -- >> CALL ME SIR. >> EXCUSE ME? 225 00:24:04,344 --> 00:24:11,885 >> YOU WILL CALL ME SIR BARRY GIBB. I WAS KNIGHTED IN 2018 FOR 226 00:24:11,885 --> 00:24:17,757 OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE MUSIC INDUSTRY. I WILL RIP OUT YOUR LOWER 227 00:24:17,757 --> 00:24:23,496 INTESTINE AND USE IT AS MY OWN PERSONALIZED ZIP LINE. * ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE 228 00:24:23,496 --> 00:24:33,106 TO OUTER SPACE, SELFIE * DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN? 229 00:24:33,106 --> 00:24:35,375 >> NO. NO, I DON'T. >> REALLY? 230 00:24:35,375 --> 00:24:50,957 >> NO. >> JOANNE CARDUCCI. * JOANNE, JOANNE, JOANNE 231 00:24:50,957 --> 00:24:57,364 CARDUCCI * WE ARE -- * WE ARE FROM AUSTRALIA, AND WE 232 00:24:57,364 --> 00:25:10,910 SWIM IN THE CORAL REEF * * MY DAD'S A KANGAROO, EATING THE WEIRD BREAD THEY BRING TO 233 00:25:10,910 --> 00:25:19,619 THE TABLE, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE * >> HI. #. 234 00:25:19,619 --> 00:25:26,359 >> I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A VOCAL CRITIC OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. HOWEVER, PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT 235 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:31,264 HE WAS CORRECT ABOUT THE BORDER AND CHINA. >> WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON 236 00:25:31,264 --> 00:25:36,069 WHICH -- >> HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME! I DO NOT PLAY! 237 00:25:36,069 --> 00:25:44,077 I AM LEGEND! YOU CANNOT BREAK ME! I HAVE NOT CRIED IN 77 YEARS, 238 00:25:44,077 --> 00:25:55,388 EXCEPT DURING EPISODES OF THE AUSTRALIAN CHILDREN'S SHOW "BLUEY," BUT IF YOU DON'T CRY AT 239 00:25:55,388 --> 00:26:03,229 "BLUEY" YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN * IF YOU DON'T CRY AT "BLUEY" YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN * 240 00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:11,738 DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD, ROBIN? HE DOESN'T. 241 00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:20,880 >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD -- >> I WILL USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A 242 00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:27,387 LOBSTER TRAP! * DIG YOUR CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A TRAP, DIG UP YOUR 243 00:26:27,387 --> 00:26:38,331 CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A TRAP, RIB CAGE AS A, RIB CAGE AS A TRAP * 244 00:26:38,331 --> 00:26:43,636 THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. WE HAVE BEEN -- * TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY 245 00:26:43,636 --> 00:26:52,612 GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT CHEST HAIR, TALKIN' 'BOUT COOL MEDALLIONS * 246 00:26:52,612 --> 00:27:02,489 * TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY 247 00:27:02,489 --> 00:27:12,032 TOWN * * OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH HI-YA * 248 00:27:16,469 --> 00:27:20,707 >>> I THINK MY DOG IS ADDICTED TO ADDERALL. >> HELLO. 249 00:27:20,707 --> 00:27:24,110 >> DAKOTA! WHAT'S UP? >> HOW ARE YOU? 250 00:27:24,110 --> 00:27:27,647 >> WE ARE SUCH BIG FANS. >> ARE YOU KIDDING? I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR VIDEOS. 251 00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:35,121 >> ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> YES. THEY'RE REALLY -- NOT FOR ME. 252 00:27:35,121 --> 00:27:38,158 >> WHAT? >> NOT HOW I EXPECTED YOU TO COME IN HERE. 253 00:27:38,158 --> 00:27:43,763 MUST BE THAT DRY SENSE OF HUMOR. WE HAD AN IDEA FOR YOU. >> YEAH. 254 00:27:43,763 --> 00:27:49,336 BASICALLY, ONE OF US WOULD PLAY YOUR BOYFRIEND AND -- >> SORRY. 255 00:27:49,336 --> 00:27:53,073 THAT'S THE FIRST FUNNY THING YOU'VE EVER SAID. >> THAT WASN'T A JOKE. 256 00:27:53,073 --> 00:27:58,345 >> SO IS IT LIKE A MAKE-A-WISH THING? DOES MY CHARACTER HAVE BRAIN 257 00:27:58,345 --> 00:28:01,581 DAMAGE? >> DID WE DO SOMETHING TO OFFEND YOU? 258 00:28:01,581 --> 00:28:04,784 >> NO. I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE LONELIER ISLAND. 259 00:28:04,784 --> 00:28:07,354 >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT THEN. >> IT'S ON NOW. 260 00:28:07,354 --> 00:28:12,726 >> YEAH, IT'S LIKE THAT. >> WELL, HEY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE STAR OF "MADAME 261 00:28:12,726 --> 00:28:18,264 WEB." CAN YOU INTRODUCE ME TO SYDNEY SWEENEY? 262 00:28:18,264 --> 00:28:25,105 >> WHAT'S HER SUPERPOWER? WHISPERING IN MONOTONE? >> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN THE 263 00:28:25,105 --> 00:28:28,742 LEAST VIRAL TAYLOR SWIFT VIDEO SHE'S HAD? >> DO YOU STILL HAVE TO 264 00:28:28,742 --> 00:28:33,580 AUDITION, OR DO THEY GIVE YOU THE PART AS SOON AS AUBREY PLAZA SAYS NO. 265 00:28:33,580 --> 00:28:39,119 >> I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU YOU GUYS LOVED HAMILTON. >> NO, WE DO NOT. 266 00:28:39,119 --> 00:28:45,058 >> HEY, I LOVE THAT YOU'RE STILL DOING BANGS. VERY OBAMA FIRST TERM. 267 00:28:45,058 --> 00:28:51,064 >> THAT'S ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE MOVIE YOU MADE THAT NO ONE SAW. >> MORE PEOPLE SAW IT THAN 268 00:28:51,064 --> 00:28:53,633 "DADDIO." >> IS "DADDIO" WHO YOU CALLED TO GET YOUR JOB. 269 00:28:53,633 --> 00:28:57,404 >> YOU WANT TO DO THE PARENT THING? >> NOT REALLY. 270 00:28:57,404 --> 00:29:00,607 NEPO TRUCE? >> NEPO TRUCE. >> A FOOT IN THE DOOR AND SO 271 00:29:00,607 --> 00:29:07,781 MUCH MORE. >> I HATE WITH YOU GUYS DO THAT. >> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE 272 00:29:07,781 --> 00:29:12,652 INSULTING EACH OTHER. I'M GENERALLY A BIG FAN OF YOURS. 273 00:29:12,652 --> 00:29:16,423 I LOVED BIGGER SPLASH. IS THAT WHAT YOU HOPED IT WOULD MAKE IN THE BOX OFFICE? 274 00:29:16,423 --> 00:29:21,594 >> LET'S GO! >> WHAT'S IT LIKE LOOKING LIKE THE LAST THREE GUYS A LESBIAN 275 00:29:21,594 --> 00:29:24,864 SLEEPS WITH BEFORE COMING OUT? >> NICE. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO A LOT 276 00:29:24,864 --> 00:29:29,836 BETTER THAN -- >> THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF THE ONLY LINE PEOPLE WILL CARE ABOUT 277 00:29:29,836 --> 00:29:32,505 THIS SHOW. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. 278 00:29:32,505 --> 00:29:39,045 >> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? I WAS JUST LOOKING AT YOUR MOVIE'S 40% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES. 279 00:29:39,045 --> 00:29:44,284 >> I'M GOING TO CHANGE THE CUE CARDS SO YOU SAY THE N WORD DURING YOUR MONOLOGUE. 280 00:29:44,284 --> 00:29:50,256 I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT. >> I'M SORRY TOO. I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID ANY OF 281 00:29:50,256 --> 00:29:52,559 THAT. I WAS JUST TRYING TO RIB YOU GUYS. 282 00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:56,796 >> THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER. >> THANK GOD. WE'RE HUGE, HUGE FANS. 283 00:29:56,796 --> 00:30:00,300 >> WE LOVE YOU. >> SERIOUSLY, I THINK YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. 284 00:30:00,300 --> 00:30:04,104 ARE AWESOME. I'VE ALWAYS LOVED WORKAHOLICS. >> I HATE YOU! 285 00:30:12,512 --> 00:30:17,851 ARE YOU LIKE US, A PRETTY LADY DRIVES A BIG CAR >> ARE YOU BETWEEN 12 AND 70 AND 286 00:30:17,851 --> 00:30:25,792 GO TO TARGET EVERY DAMN DAY? >> ARE YOU PHYSICALLY OR AT LEAST SPIRITUALLY BLOND? 287 00:30:25,792 --> 00:30:32,332 >> WELL, WE'RE STILL ROCKING OUR BIG DUMB HATS, BUT -- >> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. 288 00:30:32,332 --> 00:30:36,369 WASN'T THAT LAST YEAR'S DUMB ASS THING? >> HELL YEAH. 289 00:30:36,369 --> 00:30:41,641 THAT'S WHY NOW WE'RE ALL ABOUT THEM -- >> BIG DUMB CUPS. 290 00:30:41,641 --> 00:30:47,280 >> IT'S MORE THAN JUST A CUP. IT'S A BIG CUP. >> IS THERE A VOID IN YOUR LIFE? 291 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:55,755 FILL IT WITH CUP. >> BIG DUMB CUPS. >> HAVE WOMEN KILLED FOR THIS 292 00:30:55,755 --> 00:30:58,491 CUP? ALMOST. AND A BUNCH. 293 00:30:58,491 --> 00:31:04,397 >> THIS IS THE CUP THAT SAYS I'M A VIRGIN BUT I ALSO HAVE SIX KIDS. 294 00:31:04,397 --> 00:31:12,539 >> IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS MY FAVORITE RAPPER, THAT'S KESHA. >> AND IT SAYS TO THE WORLD WHEN 295 00:31:12,539 --> 00:31:18,111 TRADER JOE'S DROPS A NEW SNACK, I TOUCH MYSELF. >> AND IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS I 296 00:31:18,111 --> 00:31:25,919 START DECORATING FOR CHRISTMAS TOMORROW. >> BIG DUMB CUP. 297 00:31:25,919 --> 00:31:30,256 >> MM. YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE BACTERIA. 298 00:31:30,256 --> 00:31:39,666 >> I'M GETTING LEAD. >> IF YOUR CAR EXPLODES, YOU WON'T SURVIVE, BUT YOUR BIG DUMB 299 00:31:39,666 --> 00:31:45,405 CUP WILL. >> AND IT DOESN'T LEAK AT ALL. SEE. 300 00:31:45,405 --> 00:31:52,178 >> AND IT HOLDS ALMOST AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF JOSH. GET IN THERE, JOSH. 301 00:31:52,178 --> 00:32:03,056 >> WANT TO HEAR A SECRET? IF I'M NOT SIPPIN', I'M PEEIN'. >> WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SPELL 302 00:32:03,056 --> 00:32:08,428 IT C-U-P? I'M BAD. >> GIRL, YOU'RE CRAZY, MAMA. 303 00:32:08,428 --> 00:32:15,535 NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE. DID YOUR CUP MAYBE GET BIGGER? >> MAYBE. 304 00:32:15,535 --> 00:32:21,241 >> I GOT TWO CUPS. ONE FOR ME, AND ONE FOR MY GRANDMA'S ASHES. 305 00:32:21,241 --> 00:32:29,449 SHE'S STILL WITH US, BUT NANA, WHEN YOU KICK, WE GOT THE CUP. >> I GOT ONE CUP FOR EACH OF MY 306 00:32:29,449 --> 00:32:36,189 KIDS, BRIXTON, BRAXTON, BROWNSTONE, AND LIL' STANLEY. >> WELL, I GOT THE VERSION 307 00:32:36,189 --> 00:32:45,932 DESIGNED BY UGG. MM, TASTES LIKE FOOT. >> EACH CUP WEIGHS UP TO 35 308 00:32:45,932 --> 00:32:53,606 POUNDS. DON'T BELIEVE ME? GET A CLOSEUP. 309 00:32:53,606 --> 00:33:04,050 YOU LOOK COOL FROM HEAD TO TOE. >> BIG DUMB CUP GOES EVERYWHERE I GO. 310 00:33:04,050 --> 00:33:10,190 GYM, CHURCH, MY WEDDING. >> AND BIG DUMB CUP IS ALSO AN AIR FRYER. 311 00:33:10,190 --> 00:33:22,135 YUM. >> I THINK MY CUP IS PREGNANT. WITH ANOTHER CUP. 312 00:33:22,135 --> 00:33:26,239 >> AWW. SO CUTE! >> HEY, GIRLS. 313 00:33:26,239 --> 00:33:30,844 DID YOU KNOW GUYS LIKE THESE CUPS TOO? >> FOR REAL? 314 00:33:30,844 --> 00:33:33,980 >> NO WAY. >> YEAH. I GOT A MANLY RED ONE, AND I 315 00:33:33,980 --> 00:33:41,154 LOVE HOW IT KEEPS MY COLD BREW COLD. >> SHOW US. 316 00:33:41,154 --> 00:33:43,289 >> GROSS! >> YOU SOUND LIKE A BABY ON A TIT. 317 00:33:43,289 --> 00:33:51,664 GET OUT OF HERE. >> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. WAIT. 318 00:33:51,664 --> 00:33:54,934 MAMA, BE REAL WITH ME. DID YOUR CUP JUST GET EVEN BIGGER? 319 00:33:54,934 --> 00:34:06,046 >> MAYBE. >> BIG DUMB CUPS FROM THE MAKERS OF BIG ASS HOUSE. 320 00:34:15,955 --> 00:34:21,061 >>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 321 00:34:21,061 --> 00:34:28,234 >> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR! ** * YOU KNOW I'M AN ANIMAL 322 00:34:28,234 --> 00:34:31,971 I BELONG IN THE WILD WILD WILD * * WHEN I GET OUT OF CONTROL 323 00:34:31,971 --> 00:34:35,175 AIN'T NO BRINGING ME DOWN, DOWN, DOWN * * YEAH 324 00:34:35,175 --> 00:34:38,945 YOU KNOW I GO CRAZY I GO OFF THE WALL * * NO MJ 325 00:34:38,945 --> 00:34:43,783 BUT I'M WALKING ON MOONS IT'S AMAZING BABY * * I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD ONE 326 00:34:43,783 --> 00:34:48,121 CLOSEST THING TO SAINT SO I COME ALIVE ALIVE EVERY TIME TIME 327 00:34:48,121 --> 00:34:53,526 WE INTERCHANGE * * YEAH DON'T CONDEMN ME I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES 328 00:34:53,526 --> 00:34:56,763 AND CONFESS TO YOUR TEMPLE * * YOU TAKE ME AND SERVE ME MERCY * 329 00:34:56,763 --> 00:35:00,033 * SOMETHING ABOUT HOW WE BREAK ALL OF THE RULES MAKE A SINNER FEEL 330 00:35:00,033 --> 00:35:03,770 SO BLESSED * * YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS MOVE RIGHT ALONG 331 00:35:03,770 --> 00:35:07,574 TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS * * GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW HAND ON MY SOUL 332 00:35:07,574 --> 00:35:11,845 LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE * * I COME OUT A NEW MAN NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS 333 00:35:11,845 --> 00:35:17,250 SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM 334 00:35:17,250 --> 00:35:29,229 MAKE ME A NEW MAN AND I'M SANCTIFIED * ** 335 00:35:29,229 --> 00:35:32,399 * YEAH, YEAH, SING * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM 336 00:35:32,399 --> 00:35:43,576 CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED * ** 337 00:35:43,576 --> 00:35:56,556 ** SANCTIFIED YEAHHH * 338 00:35:56,556 --> 00:35:58,124 * I GOTTA COME TO YOU ONLY YOU WHEN I WANT TO REPENT * 339 00:35:58,124 --> 00:36:00,460 * SURRENDER MY ALL RIGHT AT YOUR THRONE AND DO IT AGAIN * 340 00:36:00,460 --> 00:36:04,798 * YEAH YOU CRUCIFY ME BURN ME UP UNTIL THERE'S NOTHING LEFT 341 00:36:04,798 --> 00:36:09,669 INSIDE ME * * RIGHT HAND TO YOUR EVERY WORD 342 00:36:09,669 --> 00:36:13,440 MY RELIGION MY LOVE * * BAPTIZED IN YOUR OCEAN WILLING AND OPEN 343 00:36:13,440 --> 00:36:18,812 NEVER ENOUGH * * YEAH YOU NEVER JUDGE ME 344 00:36:18,812 --> 00:36:22,615 YOU JUST TAKE YOUR HALO PUT IT RIGHT ABOVE ME * * AND THERE'S 345 00:36:22,615 --> 00:36:24,284 SOMETHING ABOUT ABOUT HOW WE BREAK ALL OF THE RULES * 346 00:36:24,284 --> 00:36:27,053 * MAKE A SINNER FEEL SO BLESSED * * YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS 347 00:36:27,053 --> 00:36:31,224 MOVE RIGHT ALONG TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS * * GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW 348 00:36:31,224 --> 00:36:35,061 HAND ON MY SOUL LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE * * I COME OUT A NEW MAN 349 00:36:35,061 --> 00:36:40,467 NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS 350 00:36:40,467 --> 00:36:48,508 TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED * 351 00:36:48,508 --> 00:36:53,613 ** ** * OOOOH 352 00:36:53,613 --> 00:37:02,922 SANCTIFIED YEAH * * I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES 353 00:37:02,922 --> 00:37:05,458 EVERY NIGHT AND I PRAY FOR YOU * * DON'T YOU SEE 354 00:37:05,458 --> 00:37:09,362 YOU'RE MY SAVIOR I'M MADE FOR YOU * * I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES 355 00:37:09,362 --> 00:37:16,069 EVERY NIGHT AND I PRAY FOR YOU * LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAKE SOME 356 00:37:16,069 --> 00:37:19,339 NOISE! * DON'T YOU SEE YOU'RE MY SAVIOR 357 00:37:19,339 --> 00:37:20,940 SWEAR IT'S ONLY RIGHT THAT I -- * * HOLD THE TOAST 358 00:37:20,940 --> 00:37:22,676 JUST FOR MY PROTECTION NEED THE HOLY GHOST 'TIL THE RESURRECTION * 359 00:37:22,676 --> 00:37:24,411 * BUT I STILL MIGHT BECKON ANGELS MY COMPLEXION TO SWOOP DOWN * 360 00:37:24,411 --> 00:37:26,446 * YO DIRECTION AND MAKE YO CONNECTION TO ME YUH JUST A BIT STRONGER * 361 00:37:26,446 --> 00:37:29,582 * I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO SIT BACK AND CONJURE A MILLION WAYS FOR YOU 362 00:37:29,582 --> 00:37:33,319 TO HEAL THE MONSTER * * THAT HAS BEEN POSTURED INSIDE MY LOINS 363 00:37:33,319 --> 00:37:36,056 YUH BOING * * THAT'S WHAT IT DO WHEN I SEE YOU 364 00:37:36,056 --> 00:37:39,259 I KNOW YOU SEE THROUGH ME AND I AIN'T SEE THROUGH* * BUT YOU NEVER TREAT ME 365 00:37:39,259 --> 00:37:43,063 LIKE I AM FECAL MATTER * * WOW HAD TA SMILE I KNOW I AIN'T SPOKE 366 00:37:43,063 --> 00:37:46,933 TO YOU LIKE THIS AWHILE * * I KNOW U CRIED ME A RIVER LIKE THE NILE * 367 00:37:46,933 --> 00:37:49,069 * BUT HELL I GOT BAPTIZED IN IT AND CAME OUT SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER 368 00:37:49,069 --> 00:37:51,805 * KNOW THAT I COULD NEVER TRY TA MEASURE THE WEIGHT OF YA GLORY * 369 00:37:51,805 --> 00:37:54,407 OOOHH * * BUT SOMETIMES WITH YOU IT'S LIKE MY HEADS IN THE POOL 370 00:37:54,407 --> 00:37:57,577 AND MY EYELIDS HAVE OPENED * * CHLORINE AHH THAT HO CAN BURN * 371 00:37:57,577 --> 00:38:00,347 * BUT IN RETURN ALL I DISCERN IS TO MOVE DIFFERENT * 372 00:38:00,347 --> 00:38:03,516 * ONE HAS TO UNLEARN AND JUST BE SANCTIFIED * 373 00:38:03,516 --> 00:38:08,855 * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM MAKE ME A NEW MAN 374 00:38:08,855 --> 00:38:14,828 NOW I'M SANCTIFIED * * RID ME OF MY SINS TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM 375 00:38:14,828 --> 00:38:23,670 CAN I GET A WITNESS SANCTIFIED * ** 376 00:38:23,670 --> 00:38:41,054 ** SANCTIFIED YEAH * 377 00:38:41,054 --> 00:38:43,323 ** ** * OOOOOOOOH 378 00:38:43,323 --> 00:39:00,640 SANCTIFIED YEAHHHHH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 379 00:39:05,745 --> 00:39:12,085 >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. 380 00:39:12,085 --> 00:39:18,024 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 381 00:39:18,024 --> 00:39:21,695 I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 382 00:39:22,662 --> 00:39:31,438 THE JURY IN HIS DEFAMATION KASZ HAS ORDER DUMP TO PAY WRITER E. JEAN CAROL $83.3 MILLION, AND 383 00:39:31,438 --> 00:39:39,379 TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE, SO OBVIOUSLY HE IMMEDIATELY HIT UP YOUR GRANDMA FOR FIVE BUCKS. 384 00:39:39,379 --> 00:39:45,151 THEY ORDERED TRUMP TO PAY $83 MILLION. THAT'S HOW UNLIKABLE HE IS. 385 00:39:45,151 --> 00:39:48,655 THAT'S HOW UNLIKABLE HE IS. O.J. SIMPSON ONLY HAD TO PAY 33 MILLION FOR A DOUBLE MURDER. 386 00:39:52,292 --> 00:39:57,630 >> OKAY. WELL. [ LAUGHTER ] 387 00:39:57,630 --> 00:40:01,434 THIS TRIAL MUST HAVE DRIVEN TRUMP CRAZY. THE JUDGE KEPT TELLING HIM TO 388 00:40:01,434 --> 00:40:05,672 SHUT UP. THE JURY MADE HIM PAY TRIPLE WHAT THE JURY ASKED FOR. 389 00:40:05,672 --> 00:40:11,077 EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST MADE HIM LOOK -- MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THAT LADY WHO GOT HER FACE 390 00:40:11,077 --> 00:40:17,350 RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY. THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD'VE GONE WORSE FOR TRUMP IS IF THEY TOOK 391 00:40:17,350 --> 00:40:22,655 AWAY HIS BUSINESSES, WHICH IS OF COURSE WHAT HAPPENS IN NEXT WEEK'S TRIAL. 392 00:40:22,655 --> 00:40:31,064 >> AFTER RON DeSANTIS ENDORSED TRUMP, HE CALLED DeSANTIS A REALLY TERRIFIC PERSON. 393 00:40:31,064 --> 00:40:37,437 WELL, IT'S LIKE A WISE MAN ONCE SAID. >> YOU CAN BE THE MOST WORTHLESS 394 00:40:37,437 --> 00:40:41,775 REPUBLICAN IN AMERICA, BUT IF YOU KISS THE RING, HE'LL SAY YOU'RE WONDERFUL. 395 00:40:41,775 --> 00:40:47,280 >> WELL. AFTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY, NIKKI HALEY ATTACKED DONALD 396 00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:53,486 TRUMP AND CALLED OUT HIS, QUOTE, SENIOR MOMENTS, WHICH MADE TRUMP SO ANGRY, HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF 397 00:40:53,486 --> 00:40:58,391 SO ANGRY, HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF THE SAFETY RAILS ON HIS TOILET. [ LAUGHTER ] 398 00:41:01,761 --> 00:41:07,734 TOTALLY UNHINGED AND CALLED FOR HIM TO TAKE A MENTAL COMPETENCY TEST, AND HERE'S SOME FOOTAGE OF 399 00:41:07,734 --> 00:41:14,808 TRUMP TRYING TO BUZZ IN WITH HIS ANSWERS. >> DING, DING, DING, SHING, POO. 400 00:41:14,808 --> 00:41:18,745 >> SEE. HE'S FINE. HASN'T LOST A STEP. 401 00:41:18,745 --> 00:41:24,718 TRUMP DID HAVE A SLIGHT STUMBLE THIS WEEK WHILE TALKING ABOUT BANKS, AND HE INTRODUCED A NEW 402 00:41:24,718 --> 00:41:28,722 TERM CALLED DEBANK. >> WE'RE GOING TO PAY STRONG PROTECTIONS TO STOP BANKS AND 403 00:41:28,722 --> 00:41:32,625 REGULATORS FROM TRYING TO DEBANK YOU. THEY'RE GOING TO DEBANK YOU, AND 404 00:41:32,625 --> 00:41:34,294 YOU. THEY'RE GOING TO DEBANK YOU, AND WE'RE GOING TO DEBANK -- 405 00:41:38,565 --> 00:41:44,104 DEBANK MEANS, BUT HE MIGHT HAVE TO TAKE D AMBULANCE TO SEE D DOCTOR. 406 00:41:47,107 --> 00:41:54,881 TO SEND THE DIRECTOR OF THE CIA TO BROKER A DEAL BETWEEN ISRAEL AND HAMAS BECAUSE NO ONE EASES 407 00:41:54,881 --> 00:42:01,054 TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST QUITE LIKE THE CIA. THEY'RE LIKE THE DRAYMOND GREEN 408 00:42:01,054 --> 00:42:08,561 OF PEACEFUL SOLUTIONS. SINCE THE ABORTION BAN TOOK EFFECT IN TEXAS, THE NUMBER OF 409 00:42:08,561 --> 00:42:15,135 TEENAGERS GIVING BIRTH IN THE STATE ROSE FOR 15 YEARS, WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR MY NEW STORE, 410 00:42:15,135 --> 00:42:18,838 MICHAEL CHE'S MATERNITY PROM DRESSES. I LIKE THIS CROWD. 411 00:42:18,838 --> 00:42:29,449 >> YEAH. >> LILY GRADSTONE IS THE FIRST NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN TO BE 412 00:42:29,449 --> 00:42:35,188 NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS. THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S A HISTORIC MOMENT. 413 00:42:35,188 --> 00:42:44,164 HER FELLOW NOMINEES ARE CALLING IT, PLEASE DON'T LET US WIN. GLADSTONE'S NOMINATION COMES 414 00:42:44,164 --> 00:42:52,238 AFTER SEVERAL NATIVE AMERICAN ACTORS WERE SNUBBED IN THE PAST, INCLUDING JOHNNY DEPP IN LONE 415 00:42:52,238 --> 00:42:58,345 RANGER. >> THE JAPANESE MOVIE GODZILLA MINUS ONE RECEIVED A SURPRISE 416 00:42:58,345 --> 00:43:07,487 OSCAR NOMINATION FOR VISUAL EFFECTS. ALSO, THE GODZILLA PREQUEL, 417 00:43:07,487 --> 00:43:12,659 "OPPENHEIMER." >> SPIRIT AIRLINES SHARES HAVE FALLEN 58% AFTER A FEDERAL JUDGE 418 00:43:12,659 --> 00:43:20,467 BLOCKED A MERGER WITH JET BLUE. SO NOW THE ONLY WAY SPIRIT AND JET BLUE WILL MERGE IS MIDAIR. 419 00:43:20,467 --> 00:43:23,136 SO NOW THE ONLY WAY SPIRIT AND JET BLUE WILL MERGE IS MIDAIR. [ LAUGHTER ] 420 00:43:27,474 --> 00:43:31,711 CRITICS HAVE BEEN BREAKING DOWN THE FIRST TIME NOMINEES AND SURPRISE SNUBS. 421 00:43:31,711 --> 00:43:36,082 HERE TO COMMENT IS A GUY NAMED ETHAN. >> HEY, EVERYONE! 422 00:43:36,082 --> 00:43:38,985 HEY, COLIN. THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME. I'M ETHAN. 423 00:43:38,985 --> 00:43:45,625 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HI, ETHAN. SO DO YOU WORK FOR THE OSCARS OR 424 00:43:45,625 --> 00:43:47,360 SOMETHING? >> NO. I COULD. 425 00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:54,100 BUT I ACTUALLY STARTED MY OWN AWARDS SHOW FOR MOVIES THAT REALLY AMUSED ME, ETHAN. 426 00:43:54,100 --> 00:44:01,908 I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THIS YEAR'S NOMINEES FOR BEST PERFORMANCE THAT REMINDED ME 427 00:44:01,908 --> 00:44:09,082 FROM MOMENTS OF ETHAN'S PAST. THE MOMENTS ARE BRADLEY COOPER MARRYING A WOMAN, MAESTRO, BEEN 428 00:44:09,082 --> 00:44:11,851 THERE. PAUL'S EYE CONDITION, THE HOLDOVERS, BEEN THERE. 429 00:44:11,851 --> 00:44:17,957 AND FINALLY, THE CHICKENS BUILDING A FORT, CHICKEN RUN, DONNA THE NUGGET. 430 00:44:17,957 --> 00:44:21,294 I AIN'T NO CHICKEN, BUT I'VE BEEN THERE. >> YOU'VE BEEN THERE? 431 00:44:21,294 --> 00:44:25,331 I'M SORRY. THAT AWARD DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. >> I KNOW. 432 00:44:25,331 --> 00:44:28,501 THERE'S SOME SERIOUS SNUBS. I'M SO OFFENDED. >> WAIT. 433 00:44:28,501 --> 00:44:32,906 YOU'RE OFFENDED? DON'T YOU CHOOSE WHO GETS NOMINATED AT THE ETHANS? 434 00:44:32,906 --> 00:44:37,243 >> YEAH. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM. THE LACK OF DIVERSITY. 435 00:44:37,243 --> 00:44:43,950 THE ACADEMY IS 100% ASIAN. THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING EVERYONE HERE TONIGHT TO DONATE TO THE 436 00:44:43,950 --> 00:44:52,859 #ETHAN SO ASIAN. >> I'M SORRY. YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE TO 437 00:44:52,859 --> 00:44:56,496 WHAT? WHO'S IN THE ACADEMY FOR THE ETHANS? 438 00:44:56,496 --> 00:45:01,267 >> HERE'S A PHOTO FROM THE ETHAN ACADEMY'S LAST MEETING. >> IS THAT YOUR BABY? 439 00:45:01,267 --> 00:45:04,204 >> WHAT? NO. I'M ONLY 15. 440 00:45:04,204 --> 00:45:07,707 >> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. >> WELL, FINE. I WAS BORN ON LEAP DAY, SO I'M 441 00:45:07,707 --> 00:45:14,347 ACTUALLY 60. >> OKAY. >> ASIAN DON'T RAISIN. 442 00:45:14,347 --> 00:45:23,456 RIGHT, COLIN? >> ANYWAY. WHAT DO A LOT OF THE ETHAN 443 00:45:23,456 --> 00:45:26,559 AWARDS AT LEAST GO TO ASIAN PEOPLE? >> NO! 444 00:45:26,559 --> 00:45:30,697 I GET TOO JEALOUS WHEN ANY OF THEM WIN ANYTHING. IT'S A REAL PROBLEM. 445 00:45:30,697 --> 00:45:35,068 >> OKAY. THAT'S REALLY TOO BAD. >> BUT THE ETHANS HAVE A NEW 446 00:45:35,068 --> 00:45:40,206 CATEGORY THIS YEAR, SUPER EXCITING, ETHAN, I, WILL BE HANDING OUT THE AWARD FOR MOVIE 447 00:45:40,206 --> 00:45:48,214 MOMENT THAT MADE ETHAN SAY, OKAY, WAIT, WHAT, NICE. THE NOMINEES ARE, THE DANCING 448 00:45:48,214 --> 00:45:53,420 "BARBIE." THE PENIS DANCING "SALTBURN." AND FINALLY, THE DIGITAL ARTIST 449 00:45:53,420 --> 00:46:00,660 THAT CREATED FLOUNDER FOR REMINDING ME OF MY EX, REST IN PEACING WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID. 450 00:46:00,660 --> 00:46:03,897 >> I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND THAT CATEGORY EITHER. >> HOW'S THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM 451 00:46:03,897 --> 00:46:06,566 THE OSCARS, COLIN? >> AMEN. >> AMEN? 452 00:46:06,566 --> 00:46:14,874 >> AMEN? ETHAN. [ LAUGHTER ] 453 00:46:18,678 --> 00:46:20,814 SEGMENT. >> WHAT? OKAY. 454 00:46:27,787 --> 00:46:32,525 THAT WAS BLANK! >> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO DIED THIS YEAR. 455 00:46:32,525 --> 00:46:37,397 ANOTHER BLESSED YEAR FOR ETHAN. YEAH! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 456 00:46:37,397 --> 00:46:42,168 AND FINALLY, I'M SO HONORED TO BE ACCEPTING AN ETHAN THIS YEAR. MAY I, COLIN? 457 00:46:42,168 --> 00:46:52,479 >> I GUESS SO, SURE. >> THIS IS ETHAN'S FIRST WIN AND 700th NOMINATION. 458 00:46:52,479 --> 00:46:58,451 >> WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH. BUT I WANT TO THANK ME FOR BELIEVING IN ME, AND I WANT TO 459 00:46:58,451 --> 00:47:03,256 SAY TO MYSELF IN FRONT OF ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, GO, GIRL, WITH YO BAD SELF. 460 00:47:03,256 --> 00:47:12,365 YOU DID THAT. >> YEAH. I DON'T -- YEAH, THAT WAS NIECY 461 00:47:12,365 --> 00:47:15,201 NASH'S SPEECH FOR THE EMMYS THIS YEAR. >> WHAT? 462 00:47:15,201 --> 00:47:18,872 NO. THIS IS MY LIVED EXPERIENCE. FINALLY, I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON 463 00:47:18,872 --> 00:47:24,077 FINALLY, I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON BEHALF OF ALL BLACK WOMEN. >> ETHAN FROM THE ETHANS, 464 00:47:30,617 --> 00:47:36,523 WORLD HAS PLANS TO INSTALL A MATERNITY WARD INSIDE THE MAGIC KINGDOM SO GUESTS CAN GIVE BIRTH 465 00:47:36,523 --> 00:47:44,564 AT THE PARK. THE ONLY CATCH IS GOOFY GETS TO WATCH. 466 00:47:44,564 --> 00:47:48,368 THAT'S NOT A DEAL BREAKER, IS IT? >> A MAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS 467 00:47:48,368 --> 00:47:54,074 ARRESTED AFTER HE WENT TO A PLANET FITNESS, TOOK OFF HIS CLOTHES AND THREATENED PEOPLE 468 00:47:54,074 --> 00:47:59,779 WITH A KNIFE, WHICH TO BE FAIR IS THE ONLY WAY PLANET FITNESS LETS YOU CANCEL YOUR MEMBERSHIP. 469 00:47:59,779 --> 00:48:05,051 >> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE SPANISH SOCCER OPERATION IS BEING CHARGED WITH SEXUAL 470 00:48:05,051 --> 00:48:09,189 ASSAULT FOR KISSING A FEMALE PLAYER WITHOUT HER CONSENT. IF CONVICTED, SHE WILL BE 471 00:48:09,189 --> 00:48:18,565 ALLOWED ONE FREE KICK. THAT WAS A NICE LITTLE WORD JOKE. 472 00:48:18,565 --> 00:48:25,105 >> A 99-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN CANADA BROKE THREE SWIMMING RECORDS FOR HER CLASS IN ONE DAY UNTIL 473 00:48:25,105 --> 00:48:31,778 FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED SHE HAD FALLEN IN. >> TWO MUSEUMS ANNOUNCED THEY 474 00:48:31,778 --> 00:48:39,052 WILL RETURN GOLD AND SILVER ART FACTS THAT WERE LOOTED 150 YEARS AGO FROM GHANA. 475 00:48:39,052 --> 00:48:45,759 UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S STILL NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT THE PEOPLE LOOTED FROM GHANA. 476 00:48:45,759 --> 00:48:54,100 THERE IS GROWING INTEREST IN MAN CAMPS WHERE MEN TRY TO RECLAIM THEIR MASCULINITY BY ATTENDING 477 00:48:54,100 --> 00:48:58,705 MILITARY STYLE BOOT CAMPS AND BEING BERATED BY DRILL INSTRUCTORS. 478 00:48:58,705 --> 00:49:07,480 BUT THEN AT NIGHT, BIG GAY ORGY. I TELL YOU, I LIKE THIS CROWD. >> A PLANE IN BRAZIL WAS 479 00:49:07,480 --> 00:49:13,586 STRANDED ON THE RUNWAY AFTER THE PLANE'S WING WAS COVERED BY A SWARM OF BEES, BEES WHO WORKED 480 00:49:13,586 --> 00:49:18,591 SWARM OF BEES, BEES WHO WORKED TOGETHER TO SPELL OUT, WING IS MISSING SCREWS. 481 00:49:22,028 --> 00:49:27,300 THAN A YEAR AWAY, 2024 IS SHAPING UP TO BE A BIG YEAR. HERE TO GIVE US A SENSE OF 482 00:49:27,300 --> 00:49:34,407 WHAT'S IN STORE IS THE GREAT BRITISH PSYCHIC TARO CARD READER, JAN JANBI. 483 00:49:34,407 --> 00:49:40,146 >> MICHAEL, NEW YORK, NEVER DID I THINK I WOULD GET ON SNL, OR WAS IT IN THE CARDS? 484 00:49:40,146 --> 00:49:47,387 >> YEAH, YOU READ CARDS. >> YES, MICHAEL. I'M A CLAIRVOYANT. 485 00:49:47,387 --> 00:49:51,891 BUT MAINLY, I JUST FLIP CARDS. CARE FOR A FORTUNE? >> WHY NOT? 486 00:49:51,891 --> 00:49:56,629 HOW'S THE ELECTION GOING TO GO? >> YES, YES. GREAT SPIRIT, TELL NO LIES. 487 00:49:56,629 --> 00:49:59,499 ELECTION REFLECTION, THE CARDS DECIDE. KISS THE TOP CARD. 488 00:49:59,499 --> 00:50:03,837 KISS IT. >> KISS IT? >> ALL RIGHT. 489 00:50:03,837 --> 00:50:10,710 LET'S SEE. OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. 490 00:50:10,710 --> 00:50:14,280 >> WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SEE? >> SO HERE WE HAVE THE NEWSMAN 491 00:50:14,280 --> 00:50:17,417 CARD. >> THERE'S A NEWSMAN CARD? >> YES, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT 492 00:50:17,417 --> 00:50:22,255 YOU, MICHAEL. LET'S SEE. AND THE HOUR GLASS. 493 00:50:22,255 --> 00:50:28,995 THAT COULD BE TIME. THAT COULD BE AN HOUR OF SORTS? >> WELL, I AM TAPING AN HOUR FOR 494 00:50:28,995 --> 00:50:34,601 MY NEW STANDUP SPECIAL. >> YES, YES, THE CARD PREDICTS THIS SPECIAL WILL BE YOUR -- OH, 495 00:50:34,601 --> 00:50:38,171 DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. MICHAEL, IT'S THE TOILET. 496 00:50:38,171 --> 00:50:42,809 >> THE TOILET? >> YES, YES. SOMETHING GOING DOWN, SOMETHING 497 00:50:42,809 --> 00:50:49,983 BEING FLUSHED, PERHAPS A CAREER OR RATINGS OR MONEY OR A CAREER AGAIN. 498 00:50:49,983 --> 00:50:53,186 DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND SPOT ON? #. >> HOLD ON. 499 00:50:53,186 --> 00:50:58,358 ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M GOING TO LOSE MY CAREER THIS YEAR? >> NOT NECESSARILY. 500 00:50:58,358 --> 00:51:01,428 >> OKAY. WELL, WHAT ELSE COULD THE CARDS TELL US? 501 00:51:01,428 --> 00:51:09,436 ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL? >> OH, YES, WHO WILL WIN THE DREADED AMERICAN PIG SKIN. 502 00:51:09,436 --> 00:51:11,805 OINK GO THE CARDS, PIG GO THE SKIN. KISS THE TOP CARD, LICK IT. 503 00:51:11,805 --> 00:51:19,079 >> LICK IT? >> WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE TONGUE YOU HAVE. 504 00:51:19,079 --> 00:51:21,981 >> ALL RIGHT. >> ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE. 505 00:51:21,981 --> 00:51:26,353 OH, DEAR. OH, DEAR INDEED. I'M SEEING THE NEWSMAN AGAIN. 506 00:51:26,353 --> 00:51:32,425 THE CARDS AREN'T DONE WITH YOU. AND THEN, THE RIVER OF COINS. HUH. 507 00:51:32,425 --> 00:51:40,900 SO THE NEWSMAN IS GIVING A GREAT, GREAT DEAL OF MONEY. BUT TO WHOM? 508 00:51:40,900 --> 00:51:48,541 HUH. ONLYFANS. DOES THAT -- 509 00:51:48,541 --> 00:51:51,111 [ LAUGHTER ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I DON'T KNOW. 510 00:51:51,111 --> 00:51:55,115 DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU, MICHAEL? THE NEWSMAN FINANCIALLY 511 00:51:55,115 --> 00:52:00,620 SUPPORTING ONLYFANS? >> I MEAN, I WISH IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE. 512 00:52:00,620 --> 00:52:08,628 >> I'M TELLING YOU THE CARDS WANT TO EMPHASIZE THESE ONLYFANS HAVE BANKRUPTED THE NEWSMAN. 513 00:52:08,628 --> 00:52:11,331 >> IT'S THAT BAD? COME ON. >> WAIT. 514 00:52:11,331 --> 00:52:16,369 THE CARDS ARE SPEAKING TO ME. THEY'RE STILL SPEAKING TO ME. ALL RIGHT. 515 00:52:16,369 --> 00:52:21,975 THE NEWSMAN AGAIN. THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. AND NOW I'M SEEING A WEDDING 516 00:52:21,975 --> 00:52:26,680 ALTER. >> OH, OKAY. THAT SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT? 517 00:52:26,680 --> 00:52:36,756 >> OH, I'M NOT SURE. OH, THE CATFISH. SO IN THE END, YOUR NEWSMAN 518 00:52:36,756 --> 00:52:41,094 CONNECTS TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A CATFISH. BUT WHO? 519 00:52:41,094 --> 00:52:50,403 WHO IS THE CATFISH? COLIN JOST. COLIN JOST. 520 00:52:50,403 --> 00:52:57,344 >> WHAT? I'VE -- I'M SORRY, MAN. I FEEL BAD, BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING 521 00:52:57,344 --> 00:53:02,115 A BLAST. >> JAN JA IN, BI, EVERYBODY. FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M 522 00:53:02,115 --> 00:53:03,817 FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M MICHAEL CHE. COLIN JOST 523 00:53:17,364 --> 00:53:26,573 EXCITED WHEN LILY MET RILE, BUT WHEN ATLAS CAME BACK. >> AM I A BAD PERSON FOR LIKING 524 00:53:26,573 --> 00:53:31,578 ATLAS? >> I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO OR WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT. 525 00:53:31,578 --> 00:53:36,616 >> GIRL, DIDN'T YOU READ THE BOOK? >> WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, NO. 526 00:53:36,616 --> 00:53:42,589 MY MIND'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT ELSEWHERE. >> OKAY. 527 00:53:42,589 --> 00:53:50,430 GOT YA. CAN I JUST SAY I TOTALLY RELATED TO HOW SHE FOUND LOVE? 528 00:53:50,430 --> 00:53:54,401 >> I HAVE BEEN SO SWAMPED. PREOCCUPIED REALLY. >> REALLY, IT'S OKAY. 529 00:53:54,401 --> 00:54:01,174 >> THINGS HAVE JUST BEEN A LITTLE BIT CRAZY. SINCE I GOT THE CALL. 530 00:54:01,174 --> 00:54:14,921 >> WHAT CALL? >> YOU KNOW, THAT FAMOUS CALL. THAT SAYS I'M GOING TO BE ON 531 00:54:14,921 --> 00:54:20,694 "SHARK TANK." >> YES, I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON A MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA, AND AFTER 532 00:54:20,694 --> 00:54:25,165 WE SHOOT, THINGS ARE PROBABLY GOING TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT. THE POWER STRUCTURE IN THIS 533 00:54:25,165 --> 00:54:30,437 FRIEND GROUP IS GONNA SHIFT. >> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE AN INVENTOR. 534 00:54:30,437 --> 00:54:38,144 >> YEAH. WHAT'S THE IDEA? >> WELL, IT'S JUST THIS LITTLE 535 00:54:38,144 --> 00:54:44,351 T-SHIRT THAT SAYS -- DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. 536 00:54:44,351 --> 00:54:50,557 BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING. >> SO IS IT LIKE A SPECIAL TYPE 537 00:54:50,557 --> 00:54:55,862 OF T-SHIRT? >> HOW DO YOU MEAN? >> LIKE DOES THE T-SHIRT DO 538 00:54:55,862 --> 00:55:02,602 ANYTHING? >> OR IS IT JUST A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS THAT ON IT? 539 00:55:02,602 --> 00:55:07,107 >> HUH, BINGO. SHE MIGHT BE UGLY, BUT SHE'S SMART. 540 00:55:07,107 --> 00:55:13,646 >> GIRL, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S REALLY "SHARK TANK "MATERIAL. >> ARE YOU JEALOUS THAT WHEN I'M 541 00:55:13,646 --> 00:55:21,087 A MILLIONAIRE WE'LL ALL HANG OUT AT MY SUPER COOL MANSION INSTEAD OF YOUR SMALL STINKY HOUSE? 542 00:55:21,087 --> 00:55:25,525 >> MY HOUSE ISN'T STINKY. >> WELL -- >> IT'S GROSS. 543 00:55:25,525 --> 00:55:31,731 >> I'M JUST SAYING I THINK A SHIRT THAT SAYS DON'T ASK ME HOW I AM ISN'T ENOUGH TO BAIT THE 544 00:55:31,731 --> 00:55:35,602 SHARKS. >> THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS, NUMB-NUTS. 545 00:55:35,602 --> 00:55:41,675 I DISTILLED THE ENTIRE HUMAN EXPERIENCE INTO THREE SENTENCES. DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY. 546 00:55:41,675 --> 00:55:47,681 I'M OKAY. BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING. 547 00:55:47,681 --> 00:55:51,518 >> IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK IT'S TOO MANY WORDS. >> INTERESTING. 548 00:55:51,518 --> 00:55:57,424 STINK BUG THINKS MY T-SHIRT'S TOO CLUTTERED. WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS. 549 00:55:57,424 --> 00:56:02,929 ARE YOU OKAY? >> YEAH. >> YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY? 550 00:56:02,929 --> 00:56:10,603 >> YES. >> HEY, JESS, ARE YOU OKAY? >> YOU CAN TELL US. 551 00:56:10,603 --> 00:56:16,743 ARE YOU OKAY? >> OH, MY GOD, YES. PLEASE STOP ASKING IF I'M OKAY. 552 00:56:16,743 --> 00:56:18,812 I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. >> HEY. 553 00:56:18,812 --> 00:56:26,886 ARE YOU OKAY? [ CRYING ]. >> IT'S JUST THAT JAMES GOT LAID 554 00:56:26,886 --> 00:56:32,359 OFF A FEW MONTHS BACK, AND HE SAYS HE'S LOOKING FOR WORK, BUT I FOLLOWED HIM MONDAY, AND HE 555 00:56:32,359 --> 00:56:40,467 SAT IN HIS CAR AND ATE TWO BAGELS WITH NOTHING ON THEM AND NOT CUT IN HALF. 556 00:56:40,467 --> 00:56:42,969 >> HERE. TAKE THIS. IT'S YOURS. 557 00:56:42,969 --> 00:56:52,479 >> THANK YOU FOR THIS. >> I'LL GIVE YOU 400 K FOR 20% STAKE IN YOUR COMPANY. 558 00:56:52,479 --> 00:57:06,126 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> I'LL GIVE YOU 500 K, FIVE, FOR 10%. 559 00:57:06,126 --> 00:57:18,938 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HELL, HOW'S A COOL MILLION SOUND? 560 00:57:18,938 --> 00:57:22,575 >> WELL, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK TOGETHER, I'LL TAKE ALL THE MONEY. 561 00:57:22,575 --> 00:57:29,549 >> OKAY. IT'S A DEAL. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 562 00:57:37,590 --> 00:57:44,364 >>> ONCE AGAIN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 563 00:57:44,364 --> 00:57:58,712 ** * IF THEY SAW WHAT I SAW THEY WOULD FALL 564 00:57:58,712 --> 00:58:02,482 THE WAY I FELL * * BUT THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT 565 00:58:02,482 --> 00:58:07,887 AND BABY I WOULD NEVER TELL * * IF THEY KNOW WHAT I KNOW 566 00:58:07,887 --> 00:58:12,192 THEY WOULD NEVER LET YOU GO * * SO GUESS WHAT? 567 00:58:12,192 --> 00:58:16,529 I AIN'T EVER LETTIN' YOU GO * * 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS 568 00:58:16,529 --> 00:58:21,301 WERE MADE FOR MINE * * AND MY HEART WOULD GO FLATLINE 569 00:58:21,301 --> 00:58:28,341 IF IT WASN'T BEATIN' FOR YOU ALL THE TIME * * SO IF I GET JEALOUS 570 00:58:28,341 --> 00:58:37,050 I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU I GUESS I'M SELFISH * 571 00:58:37,050 --> 00:58:42,889 * IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT * * WHEN YOU'RE OUT 572 00:58:42,889 --> 00:58:49,829 LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO * * PUT YOU IN A FRAME 573 00:58:49,829 --> 00:58:55,702 OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * * MAKIN' ME INSANE 574 00:58:55,702 --> 00:59:03,243 YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * * EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS 575 00:59:03,243 --> 00:59:06,513 I HOPE THAT IT'S YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE * * I WANNA TELL YOU 576 00:59:06,513 --> 00:59:10,784 EVERYTHING EVERYTHING THAT'S ON MY MIND * 577 00:59:10,784 --> 00:59:15,121 * AND I DON'T WANT ANY OTHER GUYS TAKIN' MY PLACE GIRL * 578 00:59:15,121 --> 00:59:21,061 * I GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE I KNOW I MAY BE WRONG BUT I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT * 579 00:59:21,061 --> 00:59:24,297 * 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS WERE MADE FOR MINE * * AND MY HEART 580 00:59:24,297 --> 00:59:31,304 WOULD GO FLATLINE IF IT WASN'T BEATIN' FOR YOU ALL THE TIME * 581 00:59:31,304 --> 00:59:39,813 * SO IF I GET JEALOUS I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU 582 00:59:39,813 --> 00:59:47,320 I GUESS I'M SELFISH * * IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT * 583 00:59:47,320 --> 00:59:54,361 * WHEN YOU'RE OUT LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO * 584 00:59:54,361 --> 00:59:59,132 * PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * 585 00:59:59,132 --> 01:00:04,504 * MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * 586 01:00:04,504 --> 01:00:09,876 * PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * 587 01:00:09,876 --> 01:00:16,349 * MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * 588 01:00:16,349 --> 01:00:24,491 * OWNER OF MY HEART TATTOOED YOUR MARK THERE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD 589 01:00:24,491 --> 01:00:29,763 TO SEE * * YOU'RE THE OWNER OF MY HEART 590 01:00:29,763 --> 01:00:36,803 AND ALL MY SCARS * * BABY YOU GOT SUCH A HOLD ON ME SO * 591 01:00:36,803 --> 01:00:44,878 * SO IF I GET JEALOUS I CAN'T HELP IT I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU 592 01:00:44,878 --> 01:00:50,250 I GUESS I'M SELFISH * I GUESS I'M SELFISH * * IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL 593 01:00:50,250 --> 01:00:57,257 BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT * * WHEN YOU'RE OUT LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO 594 01:00:57,257 --> 01:01:02,128 BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO * * PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? 595 01:01:02,128 --> 01:01:06,433 GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * * MAKIN' ME INSANE 596 01:01:06,433 --> 01:01:10,303 YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * 597 01:01:10,303 --> 01:01:15,075 * PUT YOU IN A FRAME OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU? GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * 598 01:01:15,075 --> 01:01:18,778 GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU * * MAKIN' ME INSANE YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH 599 01:01:18,778 --> 01:01:26,853 YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL * * JEALOUS BUT I CAN'T HELP IT 600 01:01:26,853 --> 01:01:42,936 I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU I GUESS I'M SELFISH * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 601 01:01:48,208 --> 01:01:55,315 >>> THREE MISSED CONNECTIONS, A NIGHT SPENT ON THE FLOOR IN ST. PAUL, AND NOW MY LOST BAG. 602 01:01:55,315 --> 01:01:58,418 SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST COUPLE OF DAYS OF MY LIFE, BUT I MET YOU. 603 01:01:58,418 --> 01:02:03,790 >> NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL, HUH? >> NOT BAD AT ALL. >> THAT'S ONE BEAUTIFUL BAG FOR 604 01:02:03,790 --> 01:02:08,328 AN EVEN BEAUTIFULER WOMAN. FOR REAL, YOU COULD DO PORNOGRAPHY. 605 01:02:08,328 --> 01:02:14,401 ALL RIGHT. NEXT. >> HEY, I'M HERE TO -- SORRY. 606 01:02:14,401 --> 01:02:15,568 PORNOGRAPHY? >> YEAH. MY APOLOGIES. 607 01:02:15,568 --> 01:02:47,434 THAT WAS JUST A PRIVATE THOUGHT THAT I SAID OUTLOUD. >> I THINK I LOST IT. 608 01:02:47,434 --> 01:02:53,106 SORRY. >> HOLD ON. MRS. VANESSA, NO TAG, NO BAG. 609 01:02:53,106 --> 01:02:54,874 >> COME ON. THAT'S MINE. >> MRS. VANESSA, HELLO? 610 01:02:54,874 --> 01:02:59,713 >> YEAH. HI. I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE. 611 01:02:59,713 --> 01:03:06,186 LOOK, THAT'S MY BAG. >> LOOK, RESPECTFULLY, FOR ALL I KNOW, THIS COULD BE AN ISIS BAG. 612 01:03:06,186 --> 01:03:11,825 >> YOU THINK I'M IN ISIS? >> I CAN'T JUST TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT, MRS. VANESSA. 613 01:03:11,825 --> 01:03:16,329 I GOT TO CONFIRM THE CONTENTS OF THE BAG, AND THEN YOU'LL BE GOOD TO GO. 614 01:03:16,329 --> 01:03:20,200 I AM LOOKING AT A DIARY. CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LAST ENTRY? 615 01:03:20,200 --> 01:03:24,738 >> NO, I'M NOT DOING THAT. >> THEN I'M SORRY, MA'AM. NO BAG. 616 01:03:24,738 --> 01:03:30,110 >> ALL RIGHT. FINE. ABOUT HOW I MET THIS GUY, AND I 617 01:03:30,110 --> 01:03:38,551 THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE. >> OH, MY GOD. >> AND THE ENTRY CONTINUES. 618 01:03:38,551 --> 01:03:43,790 I'M WORRIED THAT HE MIGHT BE -- >> POOR. >> WHOA! 619 01:03:43,790 --> 01:03:47,761 >> SORRY. IT WAS AFTER YOU VENMO REQUESTED ME FOR A SODA. 620 01:03:47,761 --> 01:03:52,098 I JUST -- >> NOW, MRS. VANESSA. YOU STILL THERE? 621 01:03:52,098 --> 01:03:57,470 >> DUDE, THIS ISN'T A PHONE CALL. I HAVE NOT MOVED FROM YOUR EYE 622 01:03:57,470 --> 01:04:01,041 LINE. I'M RIGHT HERE. WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO? 623 01:04:01,041 --> 01:04:06,212 IS THE DIARY ENTRY NOT ENOUGH? >> THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS YOUR BAG. 624 01:04:06,212 --> 01:04:12,152 THAT DIARY COULD HAVE FLOWN UP OUT OF YOUR BAG, STOPPED, AND THEN DOWN INTO ANOTHER. 625 01:04:12,152 --> 01:04:17,490 >> THERE'S NO WAY THAT HAPPENED. >> ALSO SEEING SOME MEDICATION. CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE LABEL 626 01:04:17,490 --> 01:04:19,659 SAYS? >> IMODIUM. >> UH-HUH. 627 01:04:19,659 --> 01:04:28,134 CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFICALLY? >> IT'S EXTREME IMODIUM FOR UNUSUAL DIARRHEA. 628 01:04:28,134 --> 01:04:34,507 >> NOW UNUSUAL LIKE HOW? BECAUSE I WOULDN'T CONSIDER ANY DIARRHEA AS USUAL. 629 01:04:34,507 --> 01:04:40,547 THIS MUST BE LIKE A SPOOKY KIND, HUH? >> MAYBE WE DON'T GO BACK TO 630 01:04:40,547 --> 01:04:43,183 MINE. >> NO, PLEASE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 631 01:04:43,183 --> 01:04:46,319 CAN I PLEASE SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR? >> YEAH. 632 01:04:46,319 --> 01:04:52,258 RANGO, YOU BACK THERE? >> YEAH. WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM? 633 01:04:52,258 --> 01:04:57,163 >> I THINK THIS BEAUTIFUL LADY MAY BE DISPLEASED. >> WELL, HOW CAN I BE OF 634 01:04:57,163 --> 01:04:59,899 ASSISTANCE? >> WHY DO YOU GUYS TALK THE SAME? 635 01:04:59,899 --> 01:05:06,706 >> WELL, THIS IS MY SON. >> UH-HUH. >> AND THIS IS MY FATHER, RANGO. 636 01:05:06,706 --> 01:05:13,246 >> THAT'S SHORT FOR RANGORIUS. HELLO TO YOU, BEAUTIFUL TRAVELER. 637 01:05:13,246 --> 01:05:19,052 >> CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ME BAG BACK. I'VE PROVEN THAT'S MY 638 01:05:19,052 --> 01:05:23,890 MEDICATION. >> YOUR MEDICATION COULD HAVE EASILY FLOWN UP OUT OF YOUR BAG, 639 01:05:23,890 --> 01:05:28,762 STOPPED, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND THEN LANDED INTO ANOTHER. >> I'M JUST GOING TO HEAD OUT. 640 01:05:28,762 --> 01:05:33,533 HAVEN'T SLEPT, THIS IS SUPER WEIRD, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT WELL. 641 01:05:33,533 --> 01:05:36,569 I DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE DIARRHEA THING, BUT ALSO LIKE I DON'T LOVE IT, SO. 642 01:05:36,569 --> 01:05:45,879 NICE TO MEET YOU. >> MRS. VANESSA, I CANNOT HELP BUT FEEL SOMEWHAT RESPONSIBLE 643 01:05:45,879 --> 01:05:47,681 FOR THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT, TAKE THE BAG AND GO. 644 01:05:47,681 --> 01:05:55,722 >> THANK YOU. VERY MUCH. >> THAT WAS A VERY NICE LADY. 645 01:05:55,722 --> 01:05:58,391 VERY NICE LADY. >> HI. I'M LOOKING FOR MY LOST BAG. 646 01:05:58,391 --> 01:06:04,531 CAN YOU HELP ME? >> WELL, ANYTHING FOR A BEAUTIFUL LADY SUCH AS YOURSELF. 647 01:06:04,531 --> 01:06:13,506 HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN DO PORNOGRAPHY? >> HONEY, I ALREADY DO. 648 01:06:23,783 --> 01:06:31,358 >>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, JIMMY FALLON, MARK CUBAN, AND -- THANKS FOR COMING 649 01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:35,528 TIMBERLAKE, JIMMY FALLON, MARK CUBAN, AND -- THANKS FOR COMING OUT!