. >>> YOU'RE WATCHING THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP ON CBS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO EVERYONE WELCOME TO THE
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP BETWEEN THE
BALTIMORE RAVENS AND THE KANSAS
CITY CHIEFS.
I'M JIM NANTZ ALONGSIDE TONY
ROMO.
DO YOU LOVE TO SHAKE, RATTLE,
AND ROLL?
BECAUSE YOU'LL DO ALL THREE ON A
BOEING MAX 739.
ARE YOU EXCITED FOR TODAY'S
MATCHUP?
>> WITHOUT A DOUBT, JIM.
WE'VE GOT TWO GENERATIONAL
TALENTS AT QUARTERBACK, TWO
ELITE DEFENSES.
I EXPECT IT TO BE AN ALL-OUT
BATTLE FOR THE NEXT THREE HOURS.
AND AFTER THAT, IT'S ALL OVER.
>> ALL OVER?
>> FOOTBALL.
AFTER TODAY, IT'S JUST -- IT'S
DONE.
>> WELL, THERE'S STILL THE SUPER
BOWL.
>> YEAH, BUT THAT'S NOT REAL
FOOTBALL.
SUPER BOWL IS FOR COMMERCIALS
AND USHER AND PEOPLE WHO NEVER
WATCH FOOTBALL ASKING HOW MANY
POINTS A TOUCHDOWN IS WORTH.
TODAY'S THE LAST REAL FOOTBALL
DAY FOR JUST US GUYS.
>> TONY, ARE YOU OKAY, BUD?
>> NAH, NOT REALLY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S THROW IT OVER TO
JAMES BROWN AND OUR HALF TIME
CREW FOR A SNEAK PEEK AT WHAT'S
AHEAD.
>> THANKS, JIM.
I'M HERE WITH PHIL SIMMS, BILL
COWHER, AND NATE BURLESON.
AND WE WERE JUST LISTENING TO
WHAT TONY SAID, AND REALLY GOT
US THINKING.
>> YEAH.
I'M REALIZING THAT AFTER THIS
GAME ENDS, THERE'S JUST NOTHING.
>> WELL, WHAT ARE MEN SUPPOSED
TO DO ON SUNDAYS NOW?
JUST GO TO THEIR FRIENDS' HOUSES
FOR NO REASON?
>> WITHOUT FOOTBALL, WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO TALK ABOUT?
I MEAN, DOES ANYONE HAVE
ANYTHING REMOTELY INTERESTING OR
INSIGHTFUL TO SAY?
>> I WISH INSTEAD OF SALT, THE
OCEAN WAS FULL OF SUGAR.
>> OH, JESUS.
WE'RE DOOMED.
>> WELL, COME ON NOW.
DON'T FORGET WE STILL GOT THE
PRO BOWL COMING UP.
>> JIM, I HAVE BEEN COVERING
FOOTBALL FOR 30 YEARS, AND I
HAVE NEVER ONCE WATCHED THE PRO
BOWL.
>> YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T JUST
ABOUT US.
AMERICA NEEDS FOOTBALL.
IT'S THE ONLY THING EVERYONE
STILL WATCHES.
>> ESPECIALLY LIVE.
THERE'S NO OTHER LIVE TV THAT'S
EVEN REMOTELY WATCHABLE.
>> WELL, THANK GOD CBS STILL HAS
"BLUE BLOODS," THE NUMBER ONE
DRAMA IN EVERY DENTIST OFFICE.
>> "BLUE BLOODS" NOW IN ITS --
WAIT, FINAL SEASON?
NOW THEY'RE TAKING "BLUE BLOODS"
FROM US TOO?
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY EVEN
REPLACING IT WITH?
>> OH, MY -- SO HELP ME TODD?
WHAT IS THAT?
>> IT SOUNDS TODD DAMN AWFUL.
>> OUR WHOLE CULTURE IS UPSIDE
DOWN.
PEOPLE ARE GETTING UPSET ABOUT
"BARBIE" GETTING STUBBED.
WHAT ABOUT "YELLOWSTONE"?
ZERO EMMY NOMINATIONS?
>> "YELLOWSTONE" IS OUR
"BARBIE."
AND I UNDERSTAND THAT MARGOT
ROBBIE GOT SNUBBED, I REALLY DO,
BUT -- I'M SORRY.
BUT THEY'RE COMING AFTER
GOSLING?
KEN WAS THE FIRST TIME I FELT
SEEN IN A MOVIE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO
JUST CALM DOWN, OKAY?
LET'S GO TO TRACY WOLFSON WHO'S
STANDING ON THE SIDELINES WITH
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS HEAD COACH
ANDY REID.
>> COACH REID, ARE YOU UPSET
ABOUT THE SEASON ENDING?
>> WHY?
BECAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME I GET
TO HANG OUT WITH TAYLOR SWIFT
AND NOW THAT'S OVER?
I'M SORRY.
I NEED TO GO.
>> GUYS, WHAT IS GOING ON?
CAN WE JUST DO OUR FINAL
PREDICTIONS?
>> I PREDICT THAT PEOPLE WILL BE
SO DEPRESSED THAT DRY JANUARY
WILL GIVE WAY TO LIVER FAILURE
FEBRUARY.
>> I PREDICT THAT ONE OF US WILL
APPEAR IN A COMMERCIAL FOR PENIS
PILLS.
BUT WE WON'T KNOW WHETHER THEY
MAKE YOUR PENIS LONGER, HARDER,
STRAIGHTER, OR MAKE IT LOSE
WEIGHT.
>> WELL, I PREDICT I'M GOING TO
CRY.
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU GUYS SO DAMN
MUCH.
>> I PREDICT RAVENS.
>> YOU KNOW, I JUST REALIZED
SOMETHING.
AFTER TODAY, WE MAY NOT HAVE
FOOTBALL, BUT WE STILL HAVE EACH
OTHER.
TO QUOTE "FAST AND FURIOUS"
THREE THROUGH SEVEN, IT'S ABOUT
FAMILY, AND NOT COUNTING MY WIFE
AND THREE KIDS, YOU GUYS ARE THE
ONLY FAMILY I GOT.
♪♪
♪ IT'LL BE A LONG DAY WITHOUT
YOU MY FRIENDS, AND I'LL TELL
YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN I SEE YOU
AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL PLAY SOME GOLF IN
PHOENIX, MAYBE GET SOME GAMBLING
IN, AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT
IT WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN,
WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN ♪
♪ OH, OH, OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH,
WHEN THERE'S FOOTBALL AGAIN ♪
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --
A FILM BY -- PLEASE DON'T DESTROY. MUSICAL GUEST -- JUSTIN
TIMBERLAKE.
AND YOUR HOST -- DAKOTA JOHNSON.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DAKOTA
JOHNSON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU! THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT IS SO GREAT TO BE BACK
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE LAST TIME I HOSTED WAS RIGHT
AFTER THE SNL 40th.
I WAS ACTUALLY IN THE AUDIENCE
FOR THAT SPECIAL.
LOOK AT THIS PHOTO.
LOOK AT THIS COLLECTION OF
PEOPLE.
SARAH PALIN, GEORGE LUCAS,
STEVEN SPIELBERG, AND LOOK WHO'S
SITTING RIGHT BEHIND ME.
IT'S JUST CRAZY TO BE STANDING
SO CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHO WOULD
BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL PERSON
IN AMERICA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I HAVE A NEW MOVIE COMING OUT.
IT'S CALLED "MADAME WEB."
IT IS IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE,
AND IT ALSO STARS SYDNEY
SWEENEY.
SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE IF AI
GENERATED YOUR BOYFRIEND'S
PERFECT MOVIE.
I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF PRESS
FOR IT, AND I'M JUST NOT GOOD AT
TALKING TO JOURNALISTS.
I THINK THE BIG PROBLEM IS THAT
I SAY STUFF, AND THEN THEY WRITE
IT DOWN.
AND IT'S REALLY UNFAIR.
BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME, I'M
JOKING.
EVEN WHEN I WAS A KID, I DIDN'T
TAKE INTERVIEWS SERIOUSLY.
LOOK AT ME ON THIS RED CARPET
WITH MY DAD WHEN I WAS 7.
>> WELL, THEY'RE MY BIGGEST
FANS, AND THE BEST BAROMETER
THAT I HAVE, AND THEY LOVE THE
SHOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> ANYWAY, I'M SO EXCITED TO BE
BACK AT SNL.
IT'S ALSO A SORT OF REUNION FOR
ME AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.
WE WERE ACTUALLY IN A MOVIE
TOGETHER CALLED "THE SOCIAL
NETWORK."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SHUT UP.
I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS, DAKOTA.
>> JUSTIN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP
HERE?
ARE YOU LOST?
>> I HEARD MY NAME.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY CUE.
>> OH, NO.
YOU'RE THE MUSICAL GUEST.
>> OKAY.
WELL, IF YOU WANT ME TO BE IN
SKETCHES, I HAVE --
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
-- I'VE HOSTED BEFORE.
>> YEAH.
WELL, THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO,
SO.
>> WAS IT THAT LONG?
>> WELL, I MEAN, EITHER WAY, I'M
SO HAPPY YOU CHOSE MY SHOW FOR
YOUR COMEBACK.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> IT'S -- HMM, COMEBACK.
IS THAT WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT?
>> YEAH.
COMEBACK IN A GOOD WAY.
>> OKAY.
I SEE WHAT THIS IS.
THIS IS WHERE WE MAKE A JOKE
LIKE FIRST HE WAS BRINGING SEXY
BACK, AND NOW HE'S BRINGING
COMING BACK.
>> I WOULDN'T PHRASE IT LIKE
THAT.
>> WELL, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
NOW THAT I HEARD THAT OUTLOUD,
THAT WAS -- SORRY.
ANYWAYS, JUST WANTED TO SAY GOOD
LUCK, AND YOU'RE GOING TO CRUSH
IT.
>> THANK YOU.
>> AND I'M HERE IF YOU NEED ME.
>> OKAY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> ARE WE DOING IT?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I JUST -- I'M -- I'M HERE TO --
I'M HERE TO SAY BREAK A LEG.
>> OKAY.
>> THESE ARE MY NORMAL CLOTHES.
BREAK A LEG.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> BEFORE WE START, I JUST WANT
TO SAY THIS IS MY FAVORITE PLACE
TO BE, AND I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE
HERE.
WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS HERE.
>>> MAN, IT'S SO GREAT TO GET ALL THE SIBS TOGETHER. IT'S LIKE A MINI MASON FAMILY
REUNION.
>> WELL HELLO MANSON FAMILY.
I HEAR WE'RE CELEBRATING A
REUNION TONIGHT.
>> OH, IT'S MASON.
SORRY.
WE'RE JUST NOT THE MANSON
FAMILY.
>> SORRY.
MR. MASON, GUESS I'M JUST A
LITTLE OFF MY GAME TODAY.
>> NO, NO.
ALL GOOD.
WE'RE READY TO ORDER IF YOU ARE,
THOUGH.
>> YEAH.
GO FOR IT.
LET'S GET STARTED.
>> THE SHRIMP SCAMPI.
NOT GOING TO WRITE THAT DOWN?
>> I'VE WORKED HERE A LONG TIME.
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN DOWN AN ORDER
IN 15 YEARS.
>> IMPRESSIVE.
WELL, I'LL DO THE CALIFORNIA
CLUB.
>> GOT YA.
>> I'LL DO THE BONE-IN RIBEYE.
>> AND CAESAR SALAD FOR ME AND
CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE
GUY.
>> THAT'LL BE THE SHRIMP SCAMPI,
THE CALIFORNIA SALAD, THE
BONE-IN SALAD, AND CHICKEN
FONGERS FOR THE LITTLE GUY?
>> THAT'S NOT IT.
>> SO SORRY.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME
BEFORE.
BUT I GOT IT NOW.
IT'S GOING TO BE THE RIBEYE, THE
CHICKEN FONGERS, THE BAGEL WITH
FONGER SAUCE, ADVIL ON THE
ROCKS, AND A MANGO JUUL POD FOR
THE LITTLE GUY?
>> NOT CLOSE.
>> WOW.
I THINK I'M FREAKING OUT NOW.
MY APOLOGIES, CHARLES MANSON.
>> IT'S DAVE MASON.
>> SORRY.
IS THERE A PROBLEM OVER HERE?
>> YEAH.
I AM JUST HAVING TROUBLE TAKING
THEIR ORDERS.
DO YOU WANT TO TAKE OVER WHILE I
DO SOME BREATH WORK TO CALM
DOWN?
>> SURE THING.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL GET THE SHRIMP SCAMPI.
>> UH-HUH.
>> THE CALIFORNIA CLUB.
>> YEP.
>> CAESAR SALAD, THE RIBEYE, AND
CHICKEN FINGERS FOR THE LITTLE
GUY.
>> SO THAT'S FOUR RIBEYES FOR
THE TABLE AND CHICKEN FONGERS
FOR THE LITTLE GUY.
>> NO.
>> I'M SORRY.
NO.
SO FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR THE
TABLE, FOUR CHICKEN FONGERS FOR
THE KITCHEN, AND A DIET ADVIL
FOR THE LITTLE GAY.
>> EXCUSE ME.
LITTLE GAY?
>> SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHEW.
I'M NERVOUS.
PARTIALLY BECAUSE TODAY IS MY
FIRST DAY AS MANAGER, AND
PARTIALLY BECAUSE, UM, WELL, I
KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO SHARON
TATE.
>> WE'RE NOT THE MANSONS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M GOING TO TELL
THE CHEF DIRECTLY.
EXCUSE ME, CAN I GET THE SHRIMP
SCAMPI?
>> NEVER HEARD OF THAT, BUT
COMING UP.
>> I WANT THE SHRIMP SCAMPI.
>> OH, I GOT IT.
COMING RIGHT UP.
ONE SCOOBY SHAMPOOEY.
>> NO, I WANT THE SKIMP -- DAMN
IT.
NOW I'M DOING IT.
>> I'M SORRY.
IT'S HONESTLY BEEN A REALLY
CRAZY SHIFT AND EVERYONE IS
FRIED.
I WILL GET YOUR MEAL COMPED.
LET'S JUST START OVER.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
>> YOU KNOW, THE CHICKEN FONGERS
LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT OUR
TABLE?
>> I'M SORRY.
I THINK I JUST FEEL FLUSTERED
BECAUSE YOUR SHORT FRIEND IS
STARING AT MY RACK.
>> HE'S NOT SHORT.
HE'S A CHILD.
>> ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
IF IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU ALL,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME YOUR
ORDERED ONE MORE TIME, AND I
WILL WRITE IT DOWN.
>> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THIS IS
THE LAST TIME WE DO THIS!
THE SCRIMP SCAMPI, THE
CALIFORNIA CLUB, THE CAESAR
SALAD, THE BONE-IN RIBEYE, AND
THE CHICKEN FINGERS, NOT THE
CHICKEN FONGERS, FOR THE LITTLE
GUY.
YOU GOT IT NOW?
>> WILL YOU REPEAT THAT ONE MORE
TIME?
BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALLY DREW YOU.
>> OH, COME ON.
>> THAT IS VERY GOOD.
>>> DAVID, COULD YOU LOOK IN THE
CABINET FOR THE TV REMOTE?
MY LEG'S HURTING SOMETHING AWFUL
TODAY.
>> YEAH, SURE, DAD.
OH, WHOA.
ARE THESE --
>> HOME MOVIES?
YEP.
>> YOUR FATHER ALWAYS HAD THAT
CAMERA OUT.
>> DO YOU MIND IF I PUT THEM ON?
>> I WOULD LOVE THAT.
>> LET'S JUST BE QUIET.
WE DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP
GRANDMA.
>> GOD DAVID!
I MISS THOSE DAYS.
>> THE ONLY THING I DON'T MISS
ARE THOSE GRASS STAINS.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
>> OH, WOW, MY THIRD BIRTHDAY.
>> YOU JUST ABOUT ATE THAT WHOLE
DURN CAKE.
>> WHAT'S THIS ONE, DAD?
>> THAT IS THE DAY THAT I FOUND
OUT I WAS GOING TO BE A DADDY.
COME ON.
POP IT IN.
>> SHE LIKES TO SLEEP AROUND,
AND HE'S A BROKE-ASS LIAR.
THERE'S JUST ONE THING WE DON'T
KNOW --
>> IS HE THE FATHER?
>> YOU KNOW YOU ARE, RAY.
YOU'RE DEADBEAT ASS IS THE
DADDY.
ADMIT IT!
>> THAT BABY DON'T EVEN LOOK
LIKE ME!
HOW CAN I BE THE DADDY?
>> WHAT'S THIS?
>> IT'S THE COREY DERVITCH SHOW.
WE OWE A LOT TO THAT GOOD MAN.
>> AMEN.
>> AMBER HAS A BABY NAMED DAVID,
AND SHE'S CONVINCED THE FATHER
IS RAY, A MAN SHE MET AT A
BACKYARD WRESTLING EVENT.
>> YO, YO, I JUST WANT TO SAY
ONE THING.
I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE THING.
SHE A HO.
>> OH!
>> DAD!
>> NO, SHH.
WATCH THIS PART.
>> NOW HOW Y'ALL KNOW I'M THE
DADDY WHEN SHE BE SLEEPING WITH
EVERYBODY.
>> WELL, OF COURSE I'VE BEEN
SLEEPING WITH EVERYBODY.
I GOT THIS ASS, DON'T I?
>> BUT WAIT, THERE'S ANOTHER MAN
WHO MIGHT BE THE FATHER.
AND HERE HE IS, AMBER'S COWORKER
AT GAME STOP, ZACH BARBACANO,
AKA, SPOOKY.
>> BOO!
>> OH, OKAY!
YEAH, OKAY.
SHUT UP!
>> WHO THE HELL IS SPOOKY?
>> WE HAVE A QUESTION IN THE
AUDIENCE FROM AMBER'S MOTHER.
>> I HAVE A QUESTION FOR SPOOKY.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE
ENTIRE TIME YOU WERE SLEEPING
WITH MY DAUGHTER, YOU WERE ALSO
SLEEPING WITH ME?
>> IT AIN'T EVEN LIKE THAT.
>> OH, SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, MA?
>> FIGHT ME!
>> I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!
>> WAIT, WAIT, ARE WE EVEN SURE
THIS IS A BABY?
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS THING!
LOOK LIKE A DAMN BENJAMIN
BUTTON.
SAY IT WITH ME, Y'ALL -- UGLY
BABY.
>> UGLY BABY!
UGLY BABY!
>> WELL, WE HAVE THE RESULTS
RIGHT HERE.
>> WHATEVER HAPPENS, I STILL
PLAN ON BEING IN THIS BABY'S
LIFE.
>> WHEN IT COMES TO 6-MONTH-OLD
DAVID, SPOOKY, YOU ARE NOT THE
FATHER.
>> YES!
GOD IS REAL, Y'ALL, COME ON!
I TOLD Y'ALL!
>> STOP!
THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING.
>> BABY?
>> WHAT?
>> WILL YOU MARRY ME?
>> NO.
GET AWAY FROM ME!
>> I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU.
>> SPOOKY, LOOK OUT!
>> WHO WANTS SOME?
>> THAT'S WHY YOU NEED A CANE?
YOU TOLD ME IT WAS A SKIING
ACCIDENT.
>> LOOK, SON, I KNOW IT'S A LOT
TO TAKE IN.
>> IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE WE
STARTED.
LOOK AT US NOW.
WE ARE A FAMILY.
AND WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
OH, LOOKS LIKE GRANDMA'S NEW
NURSE IS HERE.
>> LET'S GO, LINDA.
TIME FOR YOUR MEDICATION.
I SWITCHED THE RESULTS.
♪♪ >>> IT'S THE BARRY GIBB TALK SHOW.
♪ WELL ♪
>> TONIGHT, THERE'S GUEST
STAR --
♪ IN A ROOM FULL OF STRANGERS ♪
>> FROM THE NATION, ELIE MYSTAL.
♪ DISCUSSING POLITICS.
>> COACH OF THE FORWARD PARTY,
ANDREW YANG.
♪ AND THE ISSUES OF THE DAY,
HEY ♪
>> BLOGGER AND POLITICAL
ACTIVIST, JOANNE CARDUCCI.
♪ AND I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
THOUGH YOU MAY NOT WANT ME TO ♪
>> AND AS ALWAYS --
♪ GUESS WHAT, I'M STILL GOING TO
TALK TO YOU ♪
>> BARRY'S BROTHER ROBIN.
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY,
TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY GIBB
TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT ISSUES,
TALKIN' 'BOUT REAL IMPORTANT
ISSUES ♪
♪ TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY
GIBB TALK SHOW, CHECKIN' OUT
POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY
TOWN, YEAH ♪
>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR
HOST, BARRY GIBB.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
THIS IS MY SHOW, AND IT'S A
NO-NONSENSE SHOW.
I DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP FROM
ANYONE.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT.
IT'S AN ELECTION YEAR, AND
PEOPLE SEEM DISILLUSIONED BY THE
POLITICAL SYSTEM.
PEOPLE FEEL ONE CANDIDATE IS TOO
OLD AND THE OTHER WILL BE
DISTRACTED BY HIS LEGAL
PROBLEMS.
ROBIN, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO
ADD?
>> NO.
NO, I DON'T.
>> OKAY.
ELIE, DO YOU THINK THE MEDIA IS
OVERSTATING THE NEGATIVES OF THE
NATION TO GET VIEWS AND CLICKS?
>> WELL, THAT'S AN INTERESTING
QUESTION.
>> OH, IS IT?
IT'S INTERESTING?
YOU FIND IT INTERESTING?
>> YEAH, I DO.
>> WELL, I FIND YOU INTERESTING,
OKAY?
YOU LOOK LIKE IF DON KING ATE
ANOTHER DON KING!
I WILL UNHINGE MY JAW AND BITE
YOUR HEAD OFF LIKE A GOLDFISH
CRACKER --
♪ THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK,
THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK ♪
I WILL PSYCHOLOGICALLY DESTROY
YOU.
EVERY MONTH I WILL REPLACE YOUR
SHOES WITH AN IDENTICAL PAIR OF
ONE BIGGER SIZE SO YOU THINK
YOUR FEET ARE SHRINKING.
I FEAR NOTHING!
I WATCHED "SALTBURN" WITH MY
ENTIRE FAMILY!
AND I KNEW ABOUT THE BATHTUB
SCENE BEFOREHAND, AND I LOVED
IT!
♪ HUMP, HUMP, HUMP, HUMP,
LICKING THE DRAIN, HUMPING THE
GRAVE ♪
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD,
ROBIN?
>> NO.
NO, I DON'T.
>> LET'S GET TO OUR NEXT GUEST.
ANDREW YANG, CULTURE OF THE
FORWARD PARTY.
DO YOU THINK A THIRD PARTY
CANDIDATE COULD GAIN ENOUGH
VOTES TO WIN THE GENERAL
ELECTION?
>> WELL, BARRY --
>> CALL ME SIR.
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> YOU WILL CALL ME SIR BARRY
GIBB.
I WAS KNIGHTED IN 2018 FOR
OUTSTANDING CONTRIBUTIONS TO THE
MUSIC INDUSTRY.
I WILL RIP OUT YOUR LOWER
INTESTINE AND USE IT AS MY OWN
PERSONALIZED ZIP LINE.
♪ ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE, ZIP LINE
TO OUTER SPACE, SELFIE ♪
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD,
ROBIN?
>> NO.
NO, I DON'T.
>> REALLY?
>> NO.
>> JOANNE CARDUCCI.
♪ JOANNE, JOANNE, JOANNE
CARDUCCI ♪
WE ARE --
♪ WE ARE FROM AUSTRALIA, AND WE
SWIM IN THE CORAL REEF ♪
♪ MY DAD'S A KANGAROO, EATING
THE WEIRD BREAD THEY BRING TO
THE TABLE, OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE ♪
>> HI.
#.
>> I KNOW THAT YOU'RE A VOCAL
CRITIC OF PRESIDENT TRUMP.
HOWEVER, PEOPLE HAVE SAID THAT
HE WAS CORRECT ABOUT THE BORDER
AND CHINA.
>> WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON
WHICH --
>> HOW DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME!
I DO NOT PLAY!
I AM LEGEND!
YOU CANNOT BREAK ME!
I HAVE NOT CRIED IN 77 YEARS,
EXCEPT DURING EPISODES OF THE
AUSTRALIAN CHILDREN'S SHOW
"BLUEY," BUT IF YOU DON'T CRY AT
"BLUEY" YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN
♪ IF YOU DON'T CRY AT "BLUEY"
YOU'RE NOT A REAL MAN ♪
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO ADD,
ROBIN?
HE DOESN'T.
>> YOU KNOW, I HAVE SOMETHING TO
ADD --
>> I WILL USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A
LOBSTER TRAP!
♪ DIG YOUR CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB
CAGE AS A TRAP, DIG UP YOUR
CORPSE, USE YOUR RIB CAGE AS A
TRAP, RIB CAGE AS A, RIB CAGE AS
A TRAP ♪
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE.
WE HAVE BEEN --
♪ TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY
GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT
CHEST HAIR, TALKIN' 'BOUT COOL
MEDALLIONS ♪
♪ TALKIN' IT UP ON THE BARRY
GIBB TALK SHOW, TALKIN' 'BOUT
POLITICS IN THIS CRAZY, CRAZY
TOWN ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH,
OH, YEAH HI-YA ♪
>>> I THINK MY DOG IS ADDICTED
TO ADDERALL.
>> HELLO.
>> DAKOTA!
WHAT'S UP?
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> WE ARE SUCH BIG FANS.
>> ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'VE SEEN ALL YOUR VIDEOS.
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> YES.
THEY'RE REALLY -- NOT FOR ME.
>> WHAT?
>> NOT HOW I EXPECTED YOU TO
COME IN HERE.
MUST BE THAT DRY SENSE OF HUMOR.
WE HAD AN IDEA FOR YOU.
>> YEAH.
BASICALLY, ONE OF US WOULD PLAY
YOUR BOYFRIEND AND --
>> SORRY.
THAT'S THE FIRST FUNNY THING
YOU'VE EVER SAID.
>> THAT WASN'T A JOKE.
>> SO IS IT LIKE A MAKE-A-WISH
THING?
DOES MY CHARACTER HAVE BRAIN
DAMAGE?
>> DID WE DO SOMETHING TO OFFEND
YOU?
>> NO.
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET THE
LONELIER ISLAND.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S DO IT THEN.
>> IT'S ON NOW.
>> YEAH, IT'S LIKE THAT.
>> WELL, HEY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO MEET THE STAR OF "MADAME
WEB."
CAN YOU INTRODUCE ME TO SYDNEY
SWEENEY?
>> WHAT'S HER SUPERPOWER?
WHISPERING IN MONOTONE?
>> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE IN THE
LEAST VIRAL TAYLOR SWIFT VIDEO
SHE'S HAD?
>> DO YOU STILL HAVE TO
AUDITION, OR DO THEY GIVE YOU
THE PART AS SOON AS AUBREY PLAZA
SAYS NO.
>> I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT YOU
YOU GUYS LOVED HAMILTON.
>> NO, WE DO NOT.
>> HEY, I LOVE THAT YOU'RE STILL
DOING BANGS.
VERY OBAMA FIRST TERM.
>> THAT'S ALMOST AS FUNNY AS THE
MOVIE YOU MADE THAT NO ONE SAW.
>> MORE PEOPLE SAW IT THAN
"DADDIO."
>> IS "DADDIO" WHO YOU CALLED TO
GET YOUR JOB.
>> YOU WANT TO DO THE PARENT
THING?
>> NOT REALLY.
NEPO TRUCE?
>> NEPO TRUCE.
>> A FOOT IN THE DOOR AND SO
MUCH MORE.
>> I HATE WITH YOU GUYS DO THAT.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE
INSULTING EACH OTHER.
I'M GENERALLY A BIG FAN OF
YOURS.
I LOVED BIGGER SPLASH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU HOPED IT WOULD
MAKE IN THE BOX OFFICE?
>> LET'S GO!
>> WHAT'S IT LIKE LOOKING LIKE
THE LAST THREE GUYS A LESBIAN
SLEEPS WITH BEFORE COMING OUT?
>> NICE.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO A LOT
BETTER THAN --
>> THIS IS MY IMPRESSION OF THE
ONLY LINE PEOPLE WILL CARE ABOUT
THIS SHOW.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN
TIMBERLAKE.
>> WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
I WAS JUST LOOKING AT YOUR
MOVIE'S 40% ON ROTTEN TOMATOES.
>> I'M GOING TO CHANGE THE CUE
CARDS SO YOU SAY THE N WORD
DURING YOUR MONOLOGUE.
I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT.
>> I'M SORRY TOO.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID ANY OF
THAT.
I WAS JUST TRYING TO RIB YOU
GUYS.
>> THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
>> THANK GOD.
WE'RE HUGE, HUGE FANS.
>> WE LOVE YOU.
>> SERIOUSLY, I THINK YOU GUYS
ARE AWESOME.
I'VE ALWAYS LOVED WORKAHOLICS.
>> I HATE YOU!
>>> HEY, MAMA.
ARE YOU LIKE US, A PRETTY LADY
WHO DRIVES A BIG CAR?
>> ARE YOU BETWEEN 12 AND 70 AND
GO TO TARGET EVERY DAMN DAY?
>> ARE YOU PHYSICALLY OR AT
LEAST SPIRITUALLY BLOND?
>> WELL, WE'RE STILL ROCKING OUR
BIG DUMB HATS, BUT --
>> I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
WASN'T THAT LAST YEAR'S DUMB ASS
THING?
>> HELL YEAH.
THAT'S WHY NOW WE'RE ALL ABOUT
THEM --
>> BIG DUMB CUPS.
>> IT'S MORE THAN JUST A CUP.
IT'S A BIG CUP.
>> IS THERE A VOID IN YOUR LIFE?
FILL IT WITH CUP.
>> BIG DUMB CUPS.
>> HAVE WOMEN KILLED FOR THIS
CUP?
ALMOST.
AND A BUNCH.
>> THIS IS THE CUP THAT SAYS I'M
A VIRGIN BUT I ALSO HAVE SIX
KIDS.
>> IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS MY
FAVORITE RAPPER, THAT'S KESHA.
>> AND IT SAYS TO THE WORLD WHEN
TRADER JOE'S DROPS A NEW SNACK,
I TOUCH MYSELF.
>> AND IT'S THE CUP THAT SAYS I
START DECORATING FOR CHRISTMAS
TOMORROW.
>> BIG DUMB CUP.
>> MM.
YOU CAN REALLY TASTE THE
BACTERIA.
>> I'M GETTING LEAD.
>> IF YOUR CAR EXPLODES, YOU
WON'T SURVIVE, BUT YOUR BIG DUMB
CUP WILL.
>> AND IT DOESN'T LEAK AT ALL.
SEE.
>> AND IT HOLDS ALMOST AN ENTIRE
BOTTLE OF JOSH.
GET IN THERE, JOSH.
>> WANT TO HEAR A SECRET?
IF I'M NOT SIPPIN', I'M PEEIN'.
>> WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SPELL
IT C-U-P?
I'M BAD.
>> GIRL, YOU'RE CRAZY, MAMA.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
DID YOUR CUP MAYBE GET BIGGER?
>> MAYBE.
>> I GOT TWO CUPS.
ONE FOR ME, AND ONE FOR MY
GRANDMA'S ASHES.
SHE'S STILL WITH US, BUT NANA,
WHEN YOU KICK, WE GOT THE CUP.
>> I GOT ONE CUP FOR EACH OF MY
KIDS, BRIXTON, BRAXTON,
BROWNSTONE, AND LIL' STANLEY.
>> WELL, I GOT THE VERSION
DESIGNED BY UGG.
MM, TASTES LIKE FOOT.
>> EACH CUP WEIGHS UP TO 35
POUNDS.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
GET A CLOSEUP.
YOU LOOK COOL FROM HEAD TO TOE.
>> BIG DUMB CUP GOES EVERYWHERE
I GO.
GYM, CHURCH, MY WEDDING.
>> AND BIG DUMB CUP IS ALSO AN
AIR FRYER.
YUM.
>> I THINK MY CUP IS PREGNANT.
WITH ANOTHER CUP.
>> AWW.
SO CUTE!
>> HEY, GIRLS.
DID YOU KNOW GUYS LIKE THESE
CUPS TOO?
>> FOR REAL?
>> NO WAY.
>> YEAH.
I GOT A MANLY RED ONE, AND I
LOVE HOW IT KEEPS MY COLD BREW
COLD.
>> SHOW US.
>> GROSS!
>> YOU SOUND LIKE A BABY ON A
TIT.
GET OUT OF HERE.
>> THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.
WAIT.
MAMA, BE REAL WITH ME.
DID YOUR CUP JUST GET EVEN
BIGGER?
>> MAYBE.
>> BIG DUMB CUPS FROM THE MAKERS
OF BIG ASS HOUSE.
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR!
♪♪
♪ YOU KNOW I'M AN ANIMAL
I BELONG IN THE
WILD WILD WILD ♪
♪ WHEN I GET OUT OF CONTROL
AIN'T NO BRINGING ME
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
♪ YEAH
YOU KNOW I GO CRAZY
I GO OFF THE WALL ♪
♪ NO MJ
BUT I'M WALKING ON MOONS
IT'S AMAZING BABY ♪
♪ I KNOW YOU'RE A GOOD ONE
CLOSEST THING TO SAINT
SO I COME ALIVE ALIVE
EVERY TIME TIME
WE INTERCHANGE ♪
♪ YEAH DON'T CONDEMN ME
I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
AND CONFESS TO YOUR TEMPLE ♪
♪ YOU TAKE ME AND SERVE ME
MERCY ♪
♪ SOMETHING ABOUT
HOW WE BREAK ALL OF THE RULES
MAKE A SINNER FEEL
SO BLESSED ♪
♪ YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS
MOVE RIGHT ALONG
TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS ♪
♪ GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW
HAND ON MY SOUL
LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE ♪
♪ I COME OUT A NEW MAN
NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪ RID ME OF MY SI
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
MAKE ME A NEW MAN
AND I'M SANCTIFIED ♪
♪♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, SING ♪
♪ RID ME OF MY SINS
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
CAN I GET A WITNESS
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪♪
SANCTIFIED
YEAHHH ♪ ♪ I GOTTA COME TO YOU
ONLY YOU
WHEN I WANT TO REPENT ♪
♪ SURRENDER MY ALL
RIGHT AT YOUR THRONE
AND DO IT AGAIN ♪
♪ YEAH YOU CRUCIFY ME
BURN ME UP UNTIL
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT
INSIDE ME ♪
♪ RIGHT HAND
TO YOUR EVERY WORD
MY RELIGION MY LOVE ♪
♪ BAPTIZED IN YOUR OCEAN
WILLING AND OPEN
NEVER ENOUGH ♪
♪ YEAH
YOU NEVER JUDGE ME
YOU JUST TAKE YOUR HALO
PUT IT RIGHT ABOVE ME ♪
♪ AND THERE'S
SOMETHING ABOUT
ABOUT HOW WE BREAK
ALL OF THE RULES ♪
♪ MAKE A SINNER FEEL
SO BLESSED ♪
♪ YOU TAKE ALL OF MY WRONGS
MOVE RIGHT ALONG
TAKE ME AND FIX MY MESS ♪
♪ GET ME UP WHEN I'M LOW
HAND ON MY SOUL
LIKE YOU SEE RIGHT INSIDE ♪
♪ I COME OUT A NEW MAN
NO BLOOD ON MY HANDS
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪ RID ME OF MY SINS
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
CAN I GET A WITNESS
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪♪
♪ OOOOH
SANCTIFIED
YEAH ♪
♪ I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
EVERY NIGHT
AND I PRAY FOR YOU ♪
♪ DON'T YOU SEE
YOU'RE MY SAVIOR
I'M MADE FOR YOU ♪
♪ I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES
EVERY NIGHT
AND I PRAY FOR YOU ♪
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAKE SOME
NOISE!
♪ DON'T YOU SEE
YOU'RE MY SAVIOR
SWEAR IT'S ONLY RIGHT
THAT I -- ♪
♪ HOLD THE TOAST
JUST FOR MY PROTECTION
NEED THE HOLY GHOST
'TIL THE RESURRECTION ♪
♪ BUT I STILL MIGHT BECKON
ANGELS MY COMPLEXION
TO SWOOP DOWN ♪
♪ YO DIRECTION AND
MAKE YO CONNECTION TO ME
YUH JUST A BIT STRONGER ♪
♪ I KNOW IT'S WRONG TO
SIT BACK AND CONJURE
A MILLION WAYS FOR YOU
TO HEAL THE MONSTER ♪
♪ THAT HAS BEEN POSTURED
INSIDE MY LOINS
YUH BOING ♪
♪ THAT'S WHAT IT DO
WHEN I SEE YOU
I KNOW YOU SEE THROUGH ME
AND I AIN'T SEE THROUGH♪
♪ BUT YOU NEVER TREAT ME
LIKE I AM FECAL MATTER ♪
♪ WOW HAD TA SMILE
I KNOW I AIN'T SPOKE
TO YOU LIKE THIS AWHILE ♪
♪ I KNOW U CRIED ME
A RIVER LIKE THE NILE ♪
♪ BUT HELL I GOT BAPTIZED
IN IT AND CAME OUT
SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER
♪ KNOW THAT I COULD NEVER
TRY TA MEASURE
THE WEIGHT OF YA GLORY ♪
OOOHH ♪
♪ BUT SOMETIMES WITH YOU
IT'S LIKE MY HEADS IN THE POOL
AND MY EYELIDS HAVE OPENED ♪
♪ CHLORINE AHH
THAT HO CAN BURN ♪
♪ BUT IN RETURN
ALL I DISCERN IS
TO MOVE DIFFERENT ♪
♪ ONE HAS TO UNLEARN
AND JUST BE
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪ RID ME OF MY SINS
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
MAKE ME A NEW MAN
NOW I'M SANCTIFIED ♪
♪ RID ME OF MY SINS
TAKE AND FORGIVE THEM
CAN I GET A WITNESS
SANCTIFIED ♪
♪♪
SANCTIFIED
YEAH ♪
♪♪
♪ OOOOOOOOH
SANCTIFIED
YEAHHHHH ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THE JURY IN HIS DEFAMATION KASZ
HAS ORDER DUMP TO PAY WRITER E.
JEAN CAROL $83.3 MILLION, AND
TRUMP IS A BILLIONAIRE, SO
OBVIOUSLY HE IMMEDIATELY HIT UP
YOUR GRANDMA FOR FIVE BUCKS.
THEY ORDERED TRUMP TO PAY
$83 MILLION.
THAT'S HOW UNLIKABLE HE IS.
O.J. SIMPSON ONLY HAD TO PAY 33
MILLION FOR A DOUBLE MURDER.
>> HE DIDN'T EVEN DO IT.
>> OKAY.
WELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THIS TRIAL MUST HAVE DRIVEN
TRUMP CRAZY.
THE JUDGE KEPT TELLING HIM TO
SHUT UP.
THE JURY MADE HIM PAY TRIPLE
WHAT THE JURY ASKED FOR.
EVEN THE COURTROOM SKETCH ARTIST
MADE HIM LOOK -- MADE HIM LOOK
LIKE THAT LADY WHO GOT HER FACE
RIPPED OFF BY A MONKEY.
THE ONLY WAY THIS COULD'VE GONE
WORSE FOR TRUMP IS IF THEY TOOK
AWAY HIS BUSINESSES, WHICH IS OF
COURSE WHAT HAPPENS IN NEXT
WEEK'S TRIAL.
>> AFTER RON DeSANTIS ENDORSED
TRUMP, HE CALLED DeSANTIS A
REALLY TERRIFIC PERSON.
WELL, IT'S LIKE A WISE MAN ONCE
SAID.
>> YOU CAN BE THE MOST WORTHLESS
REPUBLICAN IN AMERICA, BUT IF
YOU KISS THE RING, HE'LL SAY
YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
>> WELL.
AFTER THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY,
NIKKI HALEY ATTACKED DONALD
TRUMP AND CALLED OUT HIS, QUOTE,
SENIOR MOMENTS, WHICH MADE TRUMP
SO ANGRY, HE ALMOST RIPPED OFF
THE SAFETY RAILS ON HIS TOILET.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HAILEY ALSO CALLED TRUMP
TOTALLY UNHINGED AND CALLED FOR
HIM TO TAKE A MENTAL COMPETENCY
TEST, AND HERE'S SOME FOOTAGE OF
TRUMP TRYING TO BUZZ IN WITH HIS
ANSWERS.
>> DING, DING, DING, SHING, POO.
>> SEE.
HE'S FINE.
HASN'T LOST A STEP.
TRUMP DID HAVE A SLIGHT STUMBLE
THIS WEEK WHILE TALKING ABOUT
BANKS, AND HE INTRODUCED A NEW
TERM CALLED DEBANK.
>> WE'RE GOING TO PAY STRONG
PROTECTIONS TO STOP BANKS AND
REGULATORS FROM TRYING TO DEBANK
YOU.
THEY'RE GOING TO DEBANK YOU, AND
WE'RE GOING TO DEBANK --
>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL
DEBANK MEANS, BUT HE MIGHT HAVE
TO TAKE D AMBULANCE TO SEE D
DOCTOR.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN IS PLANNING
TO SEND THE DIRECTOR OF THE CIA
TO BROKER A DEAL BETWEEN ISRAEL
AND HAMAS BECAUSE NO ONE EASES
TENSIONS IN THE MIDDLE EAST
QUITE LIKE THE CIA.
THEY'RE LIKE THE DRAYMOND GREEN
OF PEACEFUL SOLUTIONS.
SINCE THE ABORTION BAN TOOK
EFFECT IN TEXAS, THE NUMBER OF
TEENAGERS GIVING BIRTH IN THE
STATE ROSE FOR 15 YEARS, WHICH
IS GREAT NEWS FOR MY NEW STORE,
MICHAEL CHE'S MATERNITY PROM
DRESSES.
I LIKE THIS CROWD.
>> YEAH.
>> LILY GRADSTONE IS THE FIRST
NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN TO BE
NOMINATED FOR BEST ACTRESS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S A HISTORIC MOMENT.
HER FELLOW NOMINEES ARE CALLING
IT, PLEASE DON'T LET US WIN.
GLADSTONE'S NOMINATION COMES
AFTER SEVERAL NATIVE AMERICAN
ACTORS WERE SNUBBED IN THE PAST,
INCLUDING JOHNNY DEPP IN LONE
RANGER.
>> THE JAPANESE MOVIE GODZILLA
MINUS ONE RECEIVED A SURPRISE
OSCAR NOMINATION FOR VISUAL
EFFECTS.
ALSO, THE GODZILLA PREQUEL,
"OPPENHEIMER."
>> SPIRIT AIRLINES SHARES HAVE
FALLEN 58% AFTER A FEDERAL JUDGE
BLOCKED A MERGER WITH JET BLUE.
SO NOW THE ONLY WAY SPIRIT AND
JET BLUE WILL MERGE IS MIDAIR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE NERE
ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY, AND MANY
CRITICS HAVE BEEN BREAKING DOWN
THE FIRST TIME NOMINEES AND
SURPRISE SNUBS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS A GUY NAMED
ETHAN.
>> HEY, EVERYONE!
HEY, COLIN.
THANKS SO MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
I'M ETHAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HI, ETHAN.
SO DO YOU WORK FOR THE OSCARS OR
SOMETHING?
>> NO.
I COULD.
BUT I ACTUALLY STARTED MY OWN
AWARDS SHOW FOR MOVIES THAT
REALLY AMUSED ME, ETHAN.
I'M EXCITED TO ANNOUNCE THIS
YEAR'S NOMINEES FOR BEST
PERFORMANCE THAT REMINDED ME
FROM MOMENTS OF ETHAN'S PAST.
THE MOMENTS ARE BRADLEY COOPER
MARRYING A WOMAN, MAESTRO, BEEN
THERE.
PAUL'S EYE CONDITION, THE
HOLDOVERS, BEEN THERE.
AND FINALLY, THE CHICKENS
BUILDING A FORT, CHICKEN RUN,
DONNA THE NUGGET.
I AIN'T NO CHICKEN, BUT I'VE
BEEN THERE.
>> YOU'VE BEEN THERE?
I'M SORRY.
THAT AWARD DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
>> I KNOW.
THERE'S SOME SERIOUS SNUBS.
I'M SO OFFENDED.
>> WAIT.
YOU'RE OFFENDED?
DON'T YOU CHOOSE WHO GETS
NOMINATED AT THE ETHANS?
>> YEAH.
IT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
THE LACK OF DIVERSITY.
THE ACADEMY IS 100% ASIAN.
THAT'S WHY I'M ASKING EVERYONE
HERE TONIGHT TO DONATE TO THE
#ETHAN SO ASIAN.
>> I'M SORRY.
YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DONATE TO
WHAT?
WHO'S IN THE ACADEMY FOR THE
ETHANS?
>> HERE'S A PHOTO FROM THE ETHAN
ACADEMY'S LAST MEETING.
>> IS THAT YOUR BABY?
>> WHAT?
NO.
I'M ONLY 15.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
>> WELL, FINE.
I WAS BORN ON LEAP DAY, SO I'M
ACTUALLY 60.
>> OKAY.
>> ASIAN DON'T RAISIN.
RIGHT, COLIN?
>> ANYWAY.
WHAT DO A LOT OF THE ETHAN
AWARDS AT LEAST GO TO ASIAN
PEOPLE?
>> NO!
I GET TOO JEALOUS WHEN ANY OF
THEM WIN ANYTHING.
IT'S A REAL PROBLEM.
>> OKAY.
THAT'S REALLY TOO BAD.
>> BUT THE ETHANS HAVE A NEW
CATEGORY THIS YEAR, SUPER
EXCITING, ETHAN, I, WILL BE
HANDING OUT THE AWARD FOR MOVIE
MOMENT THAT MADE ETHAN SAY,
OKAY, WAIT, WHAT, NICE.
THE NOMINEES ARE, THE DANCING
"BARBIE."
THE PENIS DANCING "SALTBURN."
AND FINALLY, THE DIGITAL ARTIST
THAT CREATED FLOUNDER FOR
REMINDING ME OF MY EX, REST IN
PEACING WITH THE LITTLE MERMAID.
>> I DON'T THINK I UNDERSTAND
THAT CATEGORY EITHER.
>> HOW'S THAT ANY DIFFERENT FROM
THE OSCARS, COLIN?
>> AMEN.
>> AMEN?
ETHAN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S TIME FOR OUR IN MEMORIAM
SEGMENT.
>> WHAT?
OKAY.
THAT WAS BLANK!
>> I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO DIED
THIS YEAR.
ANOTHER BLESSED YEAR FOR ETHAN.
YEAH!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AND FINALLY, I'M SO HONORED TO
BE ACCEPTING AN ETHAN THIS YEAR.
MAY I, COLIN?
>> I GUESS SO, SURE.
>> THIS IS ETHAN'S FIRST WIN AND
700th NOMINATION.
>> WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
BUT I WANT TO THANK ME FOR
BELIEVING IN ME, AND I WANT TO
SAY TO MYSELF IN FRONT OF ALL
YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE, GO, GIRL,
WITH YO BAD SELF.
YOU DID THAT.
>> YEAH.
I DON'T -- YEAH, THAT WAS NIECY
NASH'S SPEECH FOR THE EMMYS THIS
YEAR.
>> WHAT?
NO.
THIS IS MY LIVED EXPERIENCE.
FINALLY, I ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON
BEHALF OF ALL BLACK WOMEN.
>> ETHAN FROM THE ETHANS,
EVERYONE.
>> MY LAST NAME IS OSCARS.
>> IT'S BEEN RUMORED THAT DISNEY
WORLD HAS PLANS TO INSTALL A
MATERNITY WARD INSIDE THE MAGIC
KINGDOM SO GUESTS CAN GIVE BIRTH
AT THE PARK.
THE ONLY CATCH IS GOOFY GETS TO
WATCH.
THAT'S NOT A DEAL BREAKER, IS
IT?
>> A MAN IN CALIFORNIA WAS
ARRESTED AFTER HE WENT TO A
PLANET FITNESS, TOOK OFF HIS
CLOTHES AND THREATENED PEOPLE
WITH A KNIFE, WHICH TO BE FAIR
IS THE ONLY WAY PLANET FITNESS
LETS YOU CANCEL YOUR MEMBERSHIP.
>> THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE
SPANISH SOCCER OPERATION IS
BEING CHARGED WITH SEXUAL
ASSAULT FOR KISSING A FEMALE
PLAYER WITHOUT HER CONSENT.
IF CONVICTED, SHE WILL BE
ALLOWED ONE FREE KICK.
THAT WAS A NICE LITTLE WORD
JOKE.
>> A 99-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN CANADA
BROKE THREE SWIMMING RECORDS FOR
HER CLASS IN ONE DAY UNTIL
FINALLY SOMEONE NOTICED SHE HAD
FALLEN IN.
>> TWO MUSEUMS ANNOUNCED THEY
WILL RETURN GOLD AND SILVER ART
FACTS THAT WERE LOOTED 150 YEARS
AGO FROM GHANA.
UNFORTUNATELY, THERE'S STILL
NOTHING THEY CAN DO ABOUT THE
PEOPLE LOOTED FROM GHANA.
THERE IS GROWING INTEREST IN MAN
CAMPS WHERE MEN TRY TO RECLAIM
THEIR MASCULINITY BY ATTENDING
MILITARY STYLE BOOT CAMPS AND
BEING BERATED BY DRILL
INSTRUCTORS.
BUT THEN AT NIGHT, BIG GAY ORGY.
I TELL YOU, I LIKE THIS CROWD.
>> A PLANE IN BRAZIL WAS
STRANDED ON THE RUNWAY AFTER THE
PLANE'S WING WAS COVERED BY A
SWARM OF BEES, BEES WHO WORKED
TOGETHER TO SPELL OUT, WING IS
MISSING SCREWS.
>> WELL, WITH THE ELECTION LESS
THAN A YEAR AWAY, 2024 IS
SHAPING UP TO BE A BIG YEAR.
HERE TO GIVE US A SENSE OF
WHAT'S IN STORE IS THE GREAT
BRITISH PSYCHIC TARO CARD
READER, JAN JANBI.
>> MICHAEL, NEW YORK, NEVER DID
I THINK I WOULD GET ON SNL, OR
WAS IT IN THE CARDS?
>> YEAH, YOU READ CARDS.
>> YES, MICHAEL.
I'M A CLAIRVOYANT.
BUT MAINLY, I JUST FLIP CARDS.
CARE FOR A FORTUNE?
>> WHY NOT?
HOW'S THE ELECTION GOING TO GO?
>> YES, YES.
GREAT SPIRIT, TELL NO LIES.
ELECTION REFLECTION, THE CARDS
DECIDE.
KISS THE TOP CARD.
KISS IT.
>> KISS IT?
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE.
OH, DEAR.
OH, DEAR INDEED.
>> WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
>> SO HERE WE HAVE THE NEWSMAN
CARD.
>> THERE'S A NEWSMAN CARD?
>> YES, I THINK THIS IS ABOUT
YOU, MICHAEL.
LET'S SEE.
AND THE HOUR GLASS.
THAT COULD BE TIME.
THAT COULD BE AN HOUR OF SORTS?
>> WELL, I AM TAPING AN HOUR FOR
MY NEW STANDUP SPECIAL.
>> YES, YES, THE CARD PREDICTS
THIS SPECIAL WILL BE YOUR -- OH,
DEAR.
OH, DEAR INDEED.
MICHAEL, IT'S THE TOILET.
>> THE TOILET?
>> YES, YES.
SOMETHING GOING DOWN, SOMETHING
BEING FLUSHED, PERHAPS A CAREER
OR RATINGS OR MONEY OR A CAREER
AGAIN.
DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND SPOT ON?
#.
>> HOLD ON.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M GOING TO
LOSE MY CAREER THIS YEAR?
>> NOT NECESSARILY.
>> OKAY.
WELL, WHAT ELSE COULD THE CARDS
TELL US?
ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL?
>> OH, YES, WHO WILL WIN THE
DREADED AMERICAN PIG SKIN.
OINK GO THE CARDS, PIG GO THE
SKIN.
KISS THE TOP CARD, LICK IT.
>> LICK IT?
>> WHAT A STRANGE LITTLE TONGUE
YOU HAVE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SEE.
OH, DEAR.
OH, DEAR INDEED.
I'M SEEING THE NEWSMAN AGAIN.
THE CARDS AREN'T DONE WITH YOU.
AND THEN, THE RIVER OF COINS.
HUH.
SO THE NEWSMAN IS GIVING A
GREAT, GREAT DEAL OF MONEY.
BUT TO WHOM?
HUH.
ONLYFANS.
DOES THAT --
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
I DON'T KNOW.
DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO YOU,
MICHAEL?
THE NEWSMAN FINANCIALLY
SUPPORTING ONLYFANS?
>> I MEAN, I WISH IT DIDN'T MAKE
SENSE.
>> I'M TELLING YOU THE CARDS
WANT TO EMPHASIZE THESE ONLYFANS
HAVE BANKRUPTED THE NEWSMAN.
>> IT'S THAT BAD?
COME ON.
>> WAIT.
THE CARDS ARE SPEAKING TO ME.
THEY'RE STILL SPEAKING TO ME.
ALL RIGHT.
THE NEWSMAN AGAIN.
THE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
AND NOW I'M SEEING A WEDDING
ALTER.
>> OH, OKAY.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD, RIGHT?
>> OH, I'M NOT SURE.
OH, THE CATFISH.
SO IN THE END, YOUR NEWSMAN
CONNECTS TO A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
WHO TURNS OUT TO BE A CATFISH.
BUT WHO?
WHO IS THE CATFISH?
COLIN JOST.
>> WHAT?
I'VE -- I'M SORRY, MAN.
I FEEL BAD, BUT I'VE BEEN HAVING
A BLAST.
>> JAN JA IN, BI, EVERYBODY.
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
MICHAEL CHE.
>>> IN CHAPTER FOUR, I WAS SO EXCITED WHEN LILY MET RILE, BUT WHEN ATLAS CAME BACK.
>> AM I A BAD PERSON FOR LIKING
ATLAS?
>> I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHO OR
WHAT YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT.
>> GIRL, DIDN'T YOU READ THE
BOOK?
>> WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, NO.
MY MIND'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT
ELSEWHERE.
>> OKAY.
GOT YA.
CAN I JUST SAY I TOTALLY RELATED
TO HOW SHE FOUND LOVE?
>> I HAVE BEEN SO SWAMPED.
PREOCCUPIED REALLY.
>> REALLY, IT'S OKAY.
>> THINGS HAVE JUST BEEN A
LITTLE BIT CRAZY.
SINCE I GOT THE CALL.
>> WHAT CALL?
>> YOU KNOW, THAT FAMOUS CALL.
THAT SAYS I'M GOING TO BE ON
"SHARK TANK."
>> YES, I HAVE BEEN SITTING ON A
MILLION-DOLLAR IDEA, AND AFTER
WE SHOOT, THINGS ARE PROBABLY
GOING TO BE QUITE DIFFERENT.
THE POWER STRUCTURE IN THIS
FRIEND GROUP IS GONNA SHIFT.
>> I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE
AN INVENTOR.
>> YEAH.
WHAT'S THE IDEA?
>> WELL, IT'S JUST THIS LITTLE
T-SHIRT THAT SAYS -- DON'T ASK
IF I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF
I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING.
>> SO IS IT LIKE A SPECIAL TYPE
OF T-SHIRT?
>> HOW DO YOU MEAN?
>> LIKE DOES THE T-SHIRT DO
ANYTHING?
>> OR IS IT JUST A T-SHIRT THAT
SAYS THAT ON IT?
>> HUH, BINGO.
SHE MIGHT BE UGLY, BUT SHE'S
SMART.
>> GIRL, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S
REALLY "SHARK TANK "MATERIAL.
>> ARE YOU JEALOUS THAT WHEN I'M
A MILLIONAIRE WE'LL ALL HANG OUT
AT MY SUPER COOL MANSION INSTEAD
OF YOUR SMALL STINKY HOUSE?
>> MY HOUSE ISN'T STINKY.
>> WELL --
>> IT'S GROSS.
>> I'M JUST SAYING I THINK A
SHIRT THAT SAYS DON'T ASK ME HOW
I AM ISN'T ENOUGH TO BAIT THE
SHARKS.
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT IT SAYS,
NUMB-NUTS.
I DISTILLED THE ENTIRE HUMAN
EXPERIENCE INTO THREE SENTENCES.
DON'T ASK IF I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
BUT IF EVERYONE STARTS ASKING IF
I'M OKAY, I MIGHT START CRYING.
>> IF I'M BEING HONEST, I THINK
IT'S TOO MANY WORDS.
>> INTERESTING.
STINK BUG THINKS MY T-SHIRT'S
TOO CLUTTERED.
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
>> YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?
>> YES.
>> HEY, JESS, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YOU CAN TELL US.
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> OH, MY GOD, YES.
PLEASE STOP ASKING IF I'M OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
>> HEY.
ARE YOU OKAY?
[ CRYING ].
>> IT'S JUST THAT JAMES GOT LAID
OFF A FEW MONTHS BACK, AND HE
SAYS HE'S LOOKING FOR WORK, BUT
I FOLLOWED HIM MONDAY, AND HE
SAT IN HIS CAR AND ATE TWO
BAGELS WITH NOTHING ON THEM AND
NOT CUT IN HALF.
>> HERE.
TAKE THIS.
IT'S YOURS.
>> THANK YOU FOR THIS.
>> I'LL GIVE YOU 400 K FOR 20%
STAKE IN YOUR COMPANY.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'LL GIVE YOU 500 K, FIVE,
FOR 10%.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELL, HOW'S A COOL MILLION
SOUND?
>> WELL, IF YOU'RE WILLING TO
WORK TOGETHER, I'LL TAKE ALL THE
MONEY.
>> OKAY.
IT'S A DEAL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> ONCE AGAIN, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪
♪ IF THEY SAW WHAT I SAW
THEY WOULD FALL
THE WAY I FELL ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU WANT
AND BABY
I WOULD NEVER TELL ♪
♪ IF THEY KNOW WHAT I KNOW
THEY WOULD NEVER
LET YOU GO ♪
♪ SO GUESS WHAT?
I AIN'T EVER
LETTIN' YOU GO ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS
WERE MADE FOR MINE ♪
♪ AND MY HEART
WOULD GO FLATLINE
IF IT WASN'T BEATIN'
FOR YOU ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ SO IF I GET JEALOUS
I CAN'T HELP IT
I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH ♪
♪ IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE OUT
LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO ♪
♪ PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU ♪
♪ MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ EVERY TIME THE PHONE RINGS
I HOPE THAT IT'S YOU
ON THE OTHER SIDE ♪
♪ I WANNA TELL YOU
EVERYTHING
THAT'S ON MY MIND ♪
♪ AND I DON'T WANT
ANY OTHER GUYS
TAKIN' MY PLACE GIRL ♪
♪ I GOT TOO MUCH PRIDE
I KNOW I MAY BE WRONG
BUT I DON'T WANNA BE RIGHT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOUR LIPS
WERE MADE FOR MINE ♪
♪ AND MY HEART
WOULD GO FLATLINE
IF IT WASN'T BEATIN'
FOR YOU ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ SO IF I GET JEALOUS
I CAN'T HELP IT
I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH ♪
♪ IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE OUT
LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO ♪
♪ PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU ♪
♪ MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU ♪
♪ MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ OWNER OF MY HEART
TATTOOED YOUR MARK
THERE FOR THE WHOLE WORLD
TO SEE ♪
♪ YOU'RE THE OWNER
OF MY HEART
AND ALL MY SCARS ♪
♪ BABY YOU GOT
SUCH A HOLD ON ME SO ♪
♪ SO IF I GET JEALOUS
I CAN'T HELP IT
I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH ♪
♪ IT'S BAD FOR MY MENTAL
BUT I CAN'T FIGHT IT ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE OUT
LOOKIN' LIKE YOU DO
BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE IT NO ♪
♪ PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU ♪
♪ MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ PUT YOU IN A FRAME
OOH BABY WHO COULD BLAME YOU?
GLAD YOUR MAMA MADE YOU ♪
♪ MAKIN' ME INSANE
YOU CANNOT BE EXPLAINED OOH
YOU MUST BE AN ANGEL ♪
♪ JEALOUS
BUT I CAN'T HELP IT
I WANT EVERY BIT OF YOU
I GUESS I'M SELFISH ♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> THREE MISSED CONNECTIONS, A
NIGHT SPENT ON THE FLOOR IN ST.
PAUL, AND NOW MY LOST BAG.
SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE WORST
COUPLE OF DAYS OF MY LIFE, BUT I
MET YOU.
>> NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL, HUH?
>> NOT BAD AT ALL.
>> THAT'S ONE BEAUTIFUL BAG FOR
AN EVEN BEAUTIFULER WOMAN.
FOR REAL, YOU COULD DO
PORNOGRAPHY.
ALL RIGHT.
NEXT.
>> HEY, I'M HERE TO -- SORRY.
PORNOGRAPHY?
>> YEAH.
MY APOLOGIES.
THAT WAS JUST A PRIVATE THOUGHT
THAT I SAID OUTLOUD.
>> I THINK I LOST IT. SORRY. >> HOLD ON.
MRS. VANESSA, NO TAG, NO BAG.
>> COME ON.
THAT'S MINE.
>> MRS. VANESSA, HELLO?
>> YEAH.
HI.
I DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.
LOOK, THAT'S MY BAG.
>> LOOK, RESPECTFULLY, FOR ALL I
KNOW, THIS COULD BE AN ISIS BAG.
>> YOU THINK I'M IN ISIS?
>> I CAN'T JUST TAKE YOUR WORD
FOR IT, MRS. VANESSA.
I GOT TO CONFIRM THE CONTENTS OF
THE BAG, AND THEN YOU'LL BE GOOD
TO GO.
I AM LOOKING AT A DIARY.
CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR LAST
ENTRY?
>> NO, I'M NOT DOING THAT.
>> THEN I'M SORRY, MA'AM.
NO BAG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
FINE.
ABOUT HOW I MET THIS GUY, AND I
THINK HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.
>> OH, MY GOD.
>> AND THE ENTRY CONTINUES.
I'M WORRIED THAT HE MIGHT BE --
>> POOR.
>> WHOA!
>> SORRY.
IT WAS AFTER YOU VENMO REQUESTED
ME FOR A SODA.
I JUST --
>> NOW, MRS. VANESSA.
YOU STILL THERE?
>> DUDE, THIS ISN'T A PHONE
CALL.
I HAVE NOT MOVED FROM YOUR EYE
LINE.
I'M RIGHT HERE.
WHAT ELSE DO I NEED TO DO?
IS THE DIARY ENTRY NOT ENOUGH?
>> THAT DOES NOT MEAN THIS IS
YOUR BAG.
THAT DIARY COULD HAVE FLOWN UP
OUT OF YOUR BAG, STOPPED, AND
THEN DOWN INTO ANOTHER.
>> THERE'S NO WAY THAT HAPPENED.
>> ALSO SEEING SOME MEDICATION.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THE LABEL
SAYS?
>> IMODIUM.
>> UH-HUH.
CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFICALLY?
>> IT'S EXTREME IMODIUM FOR
UNUSUAL DIARRHEA.
>> NOW UNUSUAL LIKE HOW?
BECAUSE I WOULDN'T CONSIDER ANY
DIARRHEA AS USUAL.
THIS MUST BE LIKE A SPOOKY KIND,
HUH?
>> MAYBE WE DON'T GO BACK TO
MINE.
>> NO, PLEASE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
CAN I PLEASE SPEAK TO YOUR
SUPERVISOR?
>> YEAH.
RANGO, YOU BACK THERE?
>> YEAH.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
>> I THINK THIS BEAUTIFUL LADY
MAY BE DISPLEASED.
>> WELL, HOW CAN I BE OF
ASSISTANCE?
>> WHY DO YOU GUYS TALK THE
SAME?
>> WELL, THIS IS MY SON.
>> UH-HUH.
>> AND THIS IS MY FATHER, RANGO.
>> THAT'S SHORT FOR RANGORIUS.
HELLO TO YOU, BEAUTIFUL
TRAVELER.
>> CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ME BAG
BACK.
I'VE PROVEN THAT'S MY
MEDICATION.
>> YOUR MEDICATION COULD HAVE
EASILY FLOWN UP OUT OF YOUR BAG,
STOPPED, THOUGHT ABOUT IT, AND
THEN LANDED INTO ANOTHER.
>> I'M JUST GOING TO HEAD OUT.
HAVEN'T SLEPT, THIS IS SUPER
WEIRD, AND I DON'T KNOW YOU THAT
WELL.
I DIDN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE
DIARRHEA THING, BUT ALSO LIKE I
DON'T LOVE IT, SO.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
>> MRS. VANESSA, I CANNOT HELP
BUT FEEL SOMEWHAT RESPONSIBLE
FOR THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT, TAKE THE BAG AND
GO.
>> THANK YOU.
VERY MUCH.
>> THAT WAS A VERY NICE LADY.
VERY NICE LADY.
>> HI.
I'M LOOKING FOR MY LOST BAG.
CAN YOU HELP ME?
>> WELL, ANYTHING FOR A
BEAUTIFUL LADY SUCH AS YOURSELF.
HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT
YOU CAN DO PORNOGRAPHY?
>> HONEY, I ALREADY DO.
>>> THANK YOU SO MUCH, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, JIMMY FALLON, MARK CUBAN, AND -- THANKS FOR COMING
OUT!