1 00:00:04,804 --> 00:00:10,210 HELLO, AND WELCOME BACK TO THE OSCARS RED CARPET PRESHOW. 2 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:16,583 I'M THE MAN INSIDE YOUR HOTEL TV WHO TELLS YOU WHAT THE MOVIES ARE, MARIO LOPEZ. 3 00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:22,789 AND I'M EITHER MARIA MENOUNOS OR KIT HOOVER. THEY HAVEN'T TOLD ME YET. 4 00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:30,063 AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO WATCH THE 95th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS SPONSORED BY OZEMPIC. 5 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:39,773 AND WE'RE SO EXCITED TO HAVE BEEN STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOGBY THEATER FOR ALMOST 153 HOURS. 6 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:44,611 WE HAVE NOT SLEPT OR USED THE BATHROOM. OUR ONLY FOOD IS A HANDFUL OF 7 00:00:44,611 --> 00:00:52,619 SARDINES THEY THROW AT US. BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ASK ANGELA BASSETT IF SHE REALLY DID 8 00:00:52,619 --> 00:00:55,555 THE THING. OOPS. WE ALMOST FORGOT, EVERY 30 9 00:00:55,555 --> 00:01:00,060 SECONDS, WE HAVE TO DO A FEW AWKWARD PAN-DOWNS TO WOMEN'S FEET. 10 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:07,167 HERE WE GO. ** EVERYONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT. 11 00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:12,439 NOW LAST YEAR'S OSCARS HAD THE SLAP, WHICH IS AWESOME -- I MEAN BAD, SO BAD. 12 00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:21,681 WE HATED ALL THE ATTENTION. SO THIS YEAR, TO MAKE SURE NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENS, THE 13 00:01:21,681 --> 00:01:28,355 ACADEMY HIRED A NEW HEAD OF SECURITY NOTORIOUSLY CALM AND SANE PERSON, MIKE TYSON. 14 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,090 THANK YOU. MY GOODNESS. OH, WOW. 15 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:35,795 THANK YOU. OH, MY GOODNESS. THAT'S SO NICE OF Y'ALL. 16 00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:42,769 THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM READY TO HANDLE THE PROCEEDINGS JUDICIOUSLY AND EXPO 17 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:46,406 DISHSLY. THE FOLLOWING THINGS WILL SET ME OFF. 18 00:01:46,406 --> 00:01:52,979 CLAPPING, STATUES OF GOLD PEOPLE, AND SHOWS THAT LAST MORE THAN TWO HOURS, AND ALSO HEARING 19 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:59,953 THE PHRASE, THE MAGIC OF MOVIES. ARE THERE ANY NEW SECURITY MEASURES IN PLACE? 20 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:05,091 THANK YOU FOR THAT QUESTION. THIS YEAR, ALL THE NOMINEES HAVE BEEN GIVEN TASERS. 21 00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:14,134 ALL THE SEAT FILLERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN GUNS, AND JIMMY KIMMEL HAS BEEN GIVEN A FLAME THROWER. 22 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:18,738 AND NOT THAT WE'RE HOPING FOR THIS, BUT ARE YOU WORRIED WILL SMITH IS PLANNING A SECOND 23 00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:22,342 ATTACK? YES. WE ARE PLANNING THAT THREAT VERY 24 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:26,713 SERIOUSLY. LUCKILY, WE WERE ABLE TO SLIP ONE OF THOSE APPLE AIR TAGS INTO 25 00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:32,085 WILL SMITH'S POCKET. SO WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WILL BE AT ALL TIMES UNLESS HE 26 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:37,590 CHANGES HIS PANTS. STAY FROSTY, EVERYBODY. UH-OH, I'M LEGIT SCARED. 27 00:02:37,590 --> 00:02:43,630 AND NOW, OF COURSE, THE SHOW HAS FACED A LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT A LACK OF DIVERSITY. 28 00:02:43,630 --> 00:02:49,602 BUT REMEMBER, OSCAR TURNS 95 THIS YEAR. SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW 29 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:56,609 RACIST AND SEXIST YOUR GRANDPA WAS AT 95, OSCAR'S LOOKING PRETTY DARN GOOD. 30 00:02:56,609 --> 00:03:02,315 SPEAKING OF LOOKING GOOD, IT'S FIRST TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, JAMIE LEE 31 00:03:02,315 --> 00:03:07,787 CURTIS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW GREAT IS THIS? 32 00:03:07,787 --> 00:03:15,228 I SOLD YOGURT THAT MADE YOU POOP, AND NOW I'M NOMINATED! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 33 00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:20,934 NOW, YOU HAVE BEEN REFRESHINGLY DOWN TO EARTH THIS WHOLE AWARDS SEASON. 34 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:28,508 WHO ARE YOU WEARING TONIGHT? KIRKLAND BY COSTCO. JAMIE, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN SO 35 00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:34,914 VOCALLY SUPPORTIVE OF ALL YOUR FELLOW NOMINEES. WELL, BECAUSE THESE ACTRESSES 36 00:03:34,914 --> 00:03:38,818 RULE! CATE BLANCHETT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 37 00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:42,122 SHE IS SO -- AM I ALLOWED TO CURSE? NO. 38 00:03:42,122 --> 00:03:56,636 SHE IS SO -- HOT. AND TAR, OH, MY GOD, TAR WAS ICONIC, VIVACIOUS, QUEER, VAGUE, 39 00:03:56,636 --> 00:04:03,910 CONFUSING, LONG, PARTIALLY IN GERMAN, AND IT WAS HANDS DOWN THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR. 40 00:04:03,910 --> 00:04:14,054 AND CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING IN. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA. WHAT ARIANA DeBOSE DID AT THE 41 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:19,859 BAFTAS WAS FUN. IT WAS BY FAR THE BEST RAP PERFORMANCE I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR. 42 00:04:19,859 --> 00:04:22,962 IT WAS INCREDIBLE. WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND HAVE FUN TONIGHT. 43 00:04:22,962 --> 00:04:27,100 OH, NO. I'M ON MY WAY HOME. IT'S WAY PAST MOMMY'S BEDTIME. 44 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:35,075 OH, I JUST LOVE HER. NOW, ONE GROUP THAT DOESN'T TRADITIONALLY WATCH THE OSCARS 45 00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:41,181 ARE DEGENERATE GAMBLERS, AND THAT'S WHY THIS YEAR, WE'RE PARTNERING WITH DRAFTKINGS. 46 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:46,353 WHAT'S THE LATEST UPDATE, FELLAS? WELL, HERE ARE SOME OF THE 47 00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:53,727 LATEST BETTING LINES. THREE TO ONE ODDS THAT A YOUNG ACTOR BRINGS OUT AN OLD ACTOR IN 48 00:04:53,727 --> 00:05:01,167 A WHEELCHAIR AND REGRETS IT IMMEDIATELY. AND TEN TO ONE THAT SOMEONE 49 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:05,472 IN THE END MEMORIAM IS STILL ALIVE. WE'RE ALSO SEEING A LOT OF 50 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:09,509 MOVEMENT IN THE WHO'S GOING TO MAKE A SURPRISE APPEARANCE POLL. THAT'S RIGHT. 51 00:05:09,509 --> 00:05:18,752 SOME OF THE FAVORITE LONG SHOT PICK SOS FAR ARE CHRIS ROCK, JARED FROM SUBWAY, ARMIE HAMMER, 52 00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:26,059 THE JUDGES THAT OVERTURNED ROE V WADE, GEORGE SANTOS PRETENDING TO BE TOM CRUISE. 53 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:30,063 TO BE TOM CRUISE. AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN INTRODUCES KANYE WEST. 54 00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:37,203 A GIRL CAN DREAM. BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE I'M TOLD WE HAVE THE STARS OF 55 00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:47,781 THE BANSHEES COLIN FARRELL AND BRENDAN DEGREESON. HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR 56 00:05:47,781 --> 00:06:10,437 CHANCES TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, WORDS FOR TROOPS IN THE BAY. 57 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,840 [ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] WOW. AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED 58 00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:18,345 DRINKING YET. AND THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE MICHELLE 59 00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:22,682 WILLIAMS. CLOSE. IT'S MICHELLE WILLIAMS' JEWISH 60 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:27,954 ACTING COACH FOR THE FABLEMANS. HELLO. IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE EVEN 61 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:35,061 THOUGH MY HAIR IS -- BUT, I'M HERE. SO WAS THE FABLEMAN'S YOUR 62 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:39,933 FIRST HOLLYWOOD PROJECT? OH, SWEETIE, NO. I WAS ALSO THAT JEWISH ACTING 63 00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:50,510 COACH FOR MARVELOUS MISS MAISEL, AND WEIRDLY FOR AVATAR. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO. 64 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:54,848 AND HOW DID YOU THINK THAT MICHELLE'S PERFORMANCE TURNED OUT? 65 00:06:54,848 --> 00:07:02,589 OH, SHE WAS AMAZING. AND IF I CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS, I THINK SHE IS JEWISH. 66 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:09,596 NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO FIND MY ACTING COACH, CHUCK SCHUMER. 67 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,731 WOW, I LOVED GETTING THAT INCITE. AND FINALLY, THIS IS A 68 00:07:11,731 --> 00:07:15,568 SURPRISE, BUT WE ARE JOINED BY THE ONE AND ONLY TOM CRUISE. HELLO. 69 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:22,609 HI. HI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 70 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:27,681 IT'S TOM CRUISE HERE. WONDERFUL TO BE HERE. OH, MY GOD. 71 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:32,719 IT'S GEORGE SANTOS. NO, NO. I'M DEFINITELY THOMAS Q. CRUISE. 72 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:41,428 STAR OF THIS YEAR'S BLOCK BUSTER FILM "TOP GUN" 2, TOP BOTTOM. GEORGE, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING 73 00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:44,931 ANYONE. YEAH. EXCEPT I DID, AND NOW I'M IN 74 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:49,602 CONGRESS. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO BE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL 75 00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:53,406 AT ONCE. OKAY. HE'S A HOOT. 76 00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:59,112 HE'S A HOOT. NOW, LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK, AND WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL 77 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:07,454 BE TALKING WITH PINOCCHIO. I'M GOING TO SCARE SO MANY KIDS. 78 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:11,524 KIDS. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 79 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:22,769 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH 80 00:09:25,665 --> 00:10:04,270 FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- THE 1975. 81 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:12,645 AND YOUR HOST, JENNA ORTEGA. 82 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:40,306 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH. 83 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:52,585 I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS JENNA ORTEGA. I'M 20 YEARS OLD, WHICH MAKES ME 84 00:10:52,585 --> 00:11:00,593 THE YOUNGEST HOST THIS SEASON. I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN ACTING SINCE I WAS SEVEN WHEN MY MOM 85 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:10,804 PUT ME ON FACEBOOK. I WAS IN "WEDNESDAY ", "X" AND NOW "SCREAM 6." 86 00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:15,442 A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME I AM DARK AND TWISTED BECAUSE OF THESE ROLES I PLAY. 87 00:11:15,442 --> 00:11:21,514 I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MY FACE WHEN PEOPLE SEE 88 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:27,354 IT, THEY'RE LIKE LET'S THROW BLOOD ON THAT. BUT I WASN'T ALWAYS IN HORROR 89 00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:32,759 FILMS. MY FIRST ACTING ROLE WAS IN A COLGATE TOOTH PASTE COMMERCIAL 90 00:11:32,759 --> 00:11:36,763 WHEN I WAS NINE. WANT TO CATCH THOSE LITTLE NASTIES, YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE 91 00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:46,106 GERMS THAT HIDE IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES. 92 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:50,477 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM STILL THAT EXACT SAME GIRL. 93 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:55,782 SAME ONE. IT'S JUST THAT SCARY MUSIC AND EDITING CAN MAKE ANYTHING SEEM 94 00:11:55,782 --> 00:12:02,088 LIKE A HORROR FILM. WATCH. WANT TO HELP ME CATCH AN 95 00:12:02,088 --> 00:12:06,793 INVISIBLE GERM? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES. 96 00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:16,970 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T GET SCARED 97 00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:24,110 VERY EASILY. PART OF THE REASON I WANTED TO HOST SNL IS I WANTED TO FACE MY 98 00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,647 BIGGEST PEER. HAPPY EXTROVERTED PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO PERFORM. 99 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:31,184 EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN SO KIND, AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE. 100 00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:42,762 I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF FRIENDS TONIGHT, INCLUDING ONE OF MY COSTARS FROM "WEDNESDAY", FRED 101 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:47,701 ARMISON. DON'T LET ME DISTRACT YOU. I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH WITH 102 00:12:47,701 --> 00:12:52,739 THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE BELOW ME. DID YOU WANT TO COME UP AND JOIN ME ON STAGE? 103 00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:56,543 ME, GO UP THERE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? I COULD NEVER. 104 00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:58,912 I'M SORRY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. FINE, I WILL. 105 00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:06,486 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WOW. SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO 106 00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:12,058 BE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." YOU WERE ON THE SHOW FOR 11 SEASONS. 107 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:18,064 THAT'S SWEET. THANK YOU. SERIOUSLY, FRED, I AM SO 108 00:13:18,064 --> 00:13:24,504 HONORED THAT YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE THE REASON I STARTED WATCHING SNL ACTUALLY. 109 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:29,509 MY FAVORITE SKETCH OF ALL TIME IS THE CALIFORNIANS. THANKS, JENNA. 110 00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:34,681 THAT'S SO NICE. YOU KNOW, THE ORIGINAL IDEA CAME TO ME BECAUSE I WAS GIVING 111 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,384 DIRECTIONS -- WE FIGURED IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 112 00:13:37,384 --> 00:13:42,188 IT'S ALL GOOD. THANK YOU, FRED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 113 00:13:42,188 --> 00:13:48,395 LIKE I SAID, THIS FEELS LIKE A DREAM. WHEN I WAS A KID, I WASN'T OLD 114 00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:54,267 ENOUGH TO WATCH SNL YET, SO I TOOK A TOUR OF THE SNL STUDIO WITH MY PARENTS LIKE SIX YEARS 115 00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:59,673 AGO, AND THEY SAID, MAN, WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF YOU HOSTED SOME DAY, AND IT SEEMED 116 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:06,046 IMPOSSIBLE THEN, BUT NOW I'M HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO 117 00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,749 HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO HEAR ME SAY WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 118 00:14:09,783 --> 00:14:12,252 WE|LL BE BACK 119 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:29,936 WELCOME EVERYBODY TO SCHOOL VERSUS SCHOOL WHERE TEACHERS 120 00:14:29,936 --> 00:14:35,075 TEAM UP WITH THEIR STAR STUDENTS TO WIN BIG BUCKS. I'M YOUR HOST JAY McCORMICK. 121 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:41,348 I WAS THE KEY WITNESS IN A HARASSMENT TRIAL OF THIS SHOW'S COVID REPRESENTATIVE WHO SWABBED 122 00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:49,089 MY ANUS IN LIEU OF MY NOSE EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, BUT THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO LET'S 123 00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:56,429 MEET OUR TEAMS. FROM WEST GROVE HIGH IN NEW JERSEY, TEACHER SHEILA CASHMAN 124 00:14:56,429 --> 00:15:04,537 AND HER STUDENTS GABE AND MANNY. I'M TOLD YOUR SCHOOL HAS ONE OF THE BEST SCIENCE DEPARTMENTS IN 125 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:08,041 THE COUNTRY. YES, AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S A PLUS. 126 00:15:08,041 --> 00:15:15,715 YEAH, THAT'S CUTE. NOW LET'S MEET THEIR OPPONENTS FROM PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY 127 00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:26,326 FOR EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN, PROFESSOR CHANDLISS ZANDER AND HIS STUDENTS ZENA AND KNOCKOUT. 128 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:34,501 IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR SCHOOL IS A 100 ROOM VICTORIAN MANSION LOCATED WITHIN A 10,000 ACRE 129 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:40,173 PRIVATE FOREST. THAT IS CORRECT. WE NEED AMPLE SPACE IN WHICH TO 130 00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:47,313 TRAIN OUR STUDENTS TO HARNESS THEIR INCREDIBLE GIFTS. IF MY GIFTS ARE SO 131 00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:51,351 INCREDIBLE, THEN WHY WON'T YOU LET ME USE THEM? BECAUSE YOU CANNOT YET 132 00:15:51,351 --> 00:16:01,828 CONTROL THEM, CHILD! OKEYDOKEY. LET'S JUST GET TO THE GAME. 133 00:16:01,828 --> 00:16:05,765 ARE WE FEELING CONFIDENT TEAM SNS. HECK YEAH. 134 00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:13,740 PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN. WE COULD ENSLAVE YOU! 135 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,943 NO! WELL, THAT'S FUN. ALL RIGHT. 136 00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:22,882 FIRST QUESTION GETS CONTROL OF THE BOARD. NAME FOR A RANDOM MODIFICATION 137 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:27,854 OF DNA FROM PARENT TO OFFSPRING. ZENA. MUTATION. 138 00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:32,292 CORRECT. OH, YES, MUTATION IS A TOPIC IN WHICH WE ARE WELL-VERSED. 139 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:36,363 IT'S WHY THEY HATE US. ZENA. THEY THINK WE'RE FREAKS! 140 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:44,571 ENOUGH, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WELL, ZENA, YOU HAVE A CHANCE 141 00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:51,077 FOR EXTRA CREDIT. THE SUBJECT IS ENGLISH LIT. HOW'S YOUR SCHOOL'S ENGLISH 142 00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:56,883 DEPARTMENT? OUR CURRICULUM FOCUSES MORE ON HARNESSING OUR STUDENTS' 143 00:16:56,883 --> 00:16:58,718 ABILITIES. YOU ALWAYS DOUBT ME. ASK YOUR QUESTION. 144 00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:10,697 OKAY THEN. TO BE OR NOT TO BE IS SPOKEN BY WHICH SHAKESPEARIAN PROTAGONIST? 145 00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:14,401 TOBY. WRONG. I FAILED! 146 00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:18,405 IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING? THE FREAK FAILED? 147 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:26,046 NO, I PROMISE YOU, SWEETIE. NO ONE IS THINKING THAT. OH, YOU LIE, YOU PATHETIC 148 00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:32,052 HUMAN! ZENA, NO, YOU COULD KILL HER! HEY, ALL RIGHT. 149 00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:36,923 HEY! NOW, I JUST GOT BLASTED AND HIT IN THE FACE WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY 150 00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:43,897 DESCRIBE AS ELECTRIC WIND. BUT SINCE NO POINTS WERE AWARDED, CONTROL NOW GOES OVER 151 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:49,703 TO WEST GROVE HIGH WHO ARE YET TO GET ON THE BOARD. ALL RIGHT, WEST GROVE, HERE'S 152 00:17:49,703 --> 00:17:55,608 YOUR QUESTION. NAME THE TRIANGLE WHICH HAS THREE SIDES EQUAL OF LENGTH. 153 00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:58,878 I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR TEACHER. OKAY. 154 00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:11,624 NO POINTS THERE. CONTROL BACK TO PROFESSOR ZANDER'S SCHOOL I GUESS. 155 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:14,928 LET ME INTO YOUR MIND. I CAN FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN! 156 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:25,672 I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, ZENA! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! STOP FIGHTING! 157 00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:35,048 GET ON OUT OF HERE. WE WERE LOOKING FOR EQUAL LATERAL TRIANGLE. 158 00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:38,718 I SHOULDN'T BE HERE! I SHOULD BE ON THE TEAM USING MY POWERS. 159 00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:42,689 YOU ARE NOT READY, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WE JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK, 160 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:47,761 LET THINGS CALM DOWN AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THAT LADY'S BRAIN BACK ONLINE. 161 00:18:47,761 --> 00:18:54,901 THIS IS JAY McCORMICK REMINDING YOU THAT COVID SWABS GO IN THE NOSE AND NOT THE KEISTER. 162 00:18:54,901 --> 00:19:02,809 FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, SHAME ON ME. 163 00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:06,012 FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, SHAME ON ME. KEEP IT RIGHT HERE. 164 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:17,023 JOBS, AND DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE 165 00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:19,759 BURNT OUT. THAT SUCKS. MARK, ARE YOU READY WITH THE 166 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:26,433 PLAY LIST? AND I GOT THE SLURPIES! DUDE, NICE. 167 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,468 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WE'RE GOING ON A BEAUTIFUL CROSS-COUNTRY AMERICAN ROAD 168 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:31,905 TRIP. JUST US AND THE OPEN ROAD. GOING TO BE AWESOME. 169 00:19:31,905 --> 00:19:38,378 WAIT, CAN I COME? ** * HIT THE OPEN ROAD AND CATCH A 170 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:46,219 RIDE, ARMS GETTING TAN ON THE SUNNY SIDE * * I'M ON THE WHEEL, I'M ON NAV, 171 00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,621 I'M ON SNACKS * * AND JENNA'S JOB IS TO JUST RELAX ON A ROAD TRIP, A GREAT 172 00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:58,431 AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, HEY, OH * 173 00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:02,268 * ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS TO CLEAR YOUR -- WE MISSED THE EXIT. 174 00:20:02,268 --> 00:20:06,006 RECALCULATE YOUR ROUTE. JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT ONE. 175 00:20:06,006 --> 00:20:11,011 NEED A LITTLE HEADS UP. OKAY. IT'S JUST A LITTLE HARD DOING 176 00:20:11,011 --> 00:20:15,982 MUSIC AND NAV. PRICE OF BEING SHOTGUN. YEAH. 177 00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:18,118 NO, IT'S FINE. LET'S TRY TO FOCUS ON NAV, ALL RIGHT? 178 00:20:18,118 --> 00:20:27,227 YEAH. I'LL FOCUS ON THE NAV. YEAH, THANKS. 179 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:31,164 YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME * NOD TO CONVERTIBLES WHEN THEY PASS, MOON A TRUCK OR PUT YOUR 180 00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:41,808 CHEEKS ON THE GLASS * * SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS WE'RE GOING TO HELL ON THE ROAD TRIP, 181 00:20:41,808 --> 00:20:46,413 A GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * I'M SORRY. CAN WE COOL IT WITH THE SLURPY 182 00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,381 FOR A SECOND? IT'S JUST RIGHT IN MY EAR. SORRY. 183 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:58,758 IT'S OKAY. I'M HAPPY TO BUY EVERYONE A SLURPY, BUT YOU'RE SUCKING ON 184 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:04,898 THE -- THERE'S NONE LEFT. CAN YOU SCOOT OVER, YOUR LEG HAIRS ARE SCRATCHING ME. 185 00:21:04,898 --> 00:21:10,637 FINE, I'LL MOVE MY LEG. DID YOU JUST VENMO REQUEST ME FOR THE SLURPY? 186 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:20,513 I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, SO. * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP -- RECALCULATING ROUTE. 187 00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:27,087 DID WE MISS THE GOD DAMN COMMIT AGAIN? WHO COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE 188 00:21:27,087 --> 00:21:32,659 TEXTING THAT'S NOT IN THIS CAR. IT WAS MY MOM, MAN. MY DAD HAD A STROKE. 189 00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:42,702 SORRY I'M NOT FOCUSSING ON THE NAV! I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT. 190 00:21:42,702 --> 00:21:46,106 HE DID NOT HAVE A STROKE. LIAR! COME ON, MAN. 191 00:21:46,106 --> 00:21:53,013 EVERYBODY, WE'RE HAVING QUIET TIME. READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING. 192 00:21:53,013 --> 00:21:58,985 * FINALLY TIME TO CHILL, I CAN DO WHAT I WANNA, DIVE INTO THE THE NEW MICHELLE OBAMA. 193 00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:05,592 I'M GOING TO PUKE! PULL OVER RIGHT NOW! 0.3 MILES! 194 00:22:05,592 --> 00:22:13,133 MARK, THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME. YOU TOLD ME TO FOCUS ON THE 195 00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:15,468 NAV. WE'RE GOING HOME! . 196 00:22:15,468 --> 00:22:22,509 * LATE AT NIGHT AND I FEEL SO FREE, EVERYONE ASLEEP EXCEPT FOR ME, * 197 00:22:22,509 --> 00:22:30,850 * BIG BRIGHT MOON HANGING IN THE SKY, NAV IN MY LAP -- WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 198 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:33,887 NOTHING. GO BACK TO SLEEP EVERYONE. THANKS. 199 00:22:33,887 --> 00:22:37,290 WILL YOU TURN THE AC ON? YEAH. YOU HOT OR COLD? 200 00:22:37,290 --> 00:22:47,367 BOTH. I SAW WHAT YOU DID. * ON A ROAD TRIP * 201 00:22:49,169 --> 00:22:54,874 WE'RE SO EXCITED TO BE DOING THIS REMAKE OF "THE PARENT TRAP." 202 00:22:54,874 --> 00:23:01,281 WE FOUND SOME PLACES TO UPDATE THE ORIGINAL, BUT THE SCENE IN THE CABIN WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE 203 00:23:01,281 --> 00:23:06,519 REALIZE THEY'RE TWINS IS SUCH A CLASSIC. WE WANTED TO LEAVE IT THE WAY IT 204 00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:10,056 WAS. THIS IS SO SPECIAL. I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE. 205 00:23:10,056 --> 00:23:17,430 OBVIOUSLY SINCE YOU'RE PRAYING BOTH TWINS, TODAY YOU'LL BE HALLIE IN THE SCENES, AND 206 00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:24,571 WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ONE OF OUR GUYS RAYMOND READ WITH YOU, OKAY? 207 00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:28,742 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME RAY. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN. 208 00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:32,412 I THINK I GET THE GIST. OKAY. LET'S START WITH THE SEQUENCE 209 00:23:32,412 --> 00:23:38,618 WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE ARE HAVING A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT OVER WHETHER IT'S BEDTIME OR 210 00:23:38,618 --> 00:23:42,822 NOT. YOU CAN HEAD TO YOUR COTS AND WE'LL GET STARTED ALL RIGHT? 211 00:23:42,822 --> 00:23:52,332 GREAT AND ACTION. OFF. ON. 212 00:23:52,332 --> 00:24:01,141 OFF. ON. TURN THEM OFF! 213 00:24:01,141 --> 00:24:06,079 YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU'RE A REAL BITCH! 214 00:24:06,079 --> 00:24:13,286 OKAY. CUT. UMM, SIR, I DON'T THINK THE 215 00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:17,924 SCRIPT SAID BITCH. YEAH, YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I DID A LITTLE OFF THE CUFF 216 00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:26,433 THING LIKE THEY DO ON "CURB." YOU GUYS WATCH THAT? MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO 217 00:24:26,433 --> 00:24:31,905 READ THE LINES LIKE THE ONES THAT ARE IN THE SCRIPT. WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM 218 00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:36,209 IN THE MOVIE, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. SHOULD I GO TO THE TOILET AT 219 00:24:36,209 --> 00:24:42,115 SOME POINT AND SHE GETS MAD. THAT COULD BE FUN LIKE HER TWIN IS ALWAYS ON THE TOILET. 220 00:24:42,115 --> 00:24:45,585 ARE YOU ASKING THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW? 221 00:24:45,585 --> 00:24:51,624 WELL, I THINK MY CHARACTER MIGHT, BUT YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT 222 00:24:51,624 --> 00:24:55,929 DAY. IT STORMED OUTSIDE, SO YOUR BELONGINGS GOT WET, AND NOW 223 00:24:55,929 --> 00:24:59,699 YOU'RE TALKING BY THE WINDOW GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. AND ACTION. 224 00:24:59,699 --> 00:25:04,304 OH, NO. ARE ANY OF YOUR PICTURES RUINED? 225 00:25:04,304 --> 00:25:15,148 ONLY THE BAUFL SHAWN MENDEZ. WOW, HE IS HOT. YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE? 226 00:25:15,148 --> 00:25:20,487 LISA RENA. I WOULD LET HER WRECK ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE. 227 00:25:20,487 --> 00:25:25,725 LET'S MOVE ON TO THE OREO SCENE. YOU'RE BONDING, REALIZE YOU HAVE 228 00:25:25,725 --> 00:25:32,699 A LOT IN COMMON, AND GO. WANT TO EAT SOME OREOS? MAY SOUND WEIRD, BUT I EAT THEM 229 00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:35,902 WITH PEANUT BUTTER. WELL, F ME. SO DO I! 230 00:25:35,902 --> 00:25:40,106 WOW, NO WAY. I WONDER WHAT ELSE WE HAVE IN COMMON. 231 00:25:40,106 --> 00:25:47,414 YOU LIKE SCHLITZ BEER? WHAT? NO. 232 00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:52,519 ANYWAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 56. OH, FOR THIS, 11. 233 00:25:52,519 --> 00:25:58,625 MY BIRTHDAY'S IN OCTOBER. ME TOO. THIS IS TRIPPING ME OUT. 234 00:25:58,625 --> 00:26:06,533 LET'S SEE IF WE HAVE A PICTURE OF OUR PARENTS THAT WAS RIPPED IN HALF TO SEE IF WE'RE TWIN 235 00:26:06,533 --> 00:26:15,642 SFWLS NOT THERE YET. JUST JUMP AHEAD TO WHERE HALLIE'S PACING, PUTTING IT ALL 236 00:26:15,642 --> 00:26:17,944 TOGETHER. THINK ABOUT IT. I ONLY HAVE A FATHER, AND YOU 237 00:26:17,944 --> 00:26:21,915 ONLY HAVE A MOTHER. OH, YEAH? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DAD, 238 00:26:21,915 --> 00:26:27,087 AND I'VE NEVER SEEN MY MOM. SO YOU THINK WE'RE TWINS OR NOT YET? 239 00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:31,958 YOU HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF YOUR MOM, AND I HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF MY DAD. 240 00:26:31,958 --> 00:26:43,903 YEAH, LIKE IN THAT LINDSEY LOHAN MOVIE ABOUT THE TWIN. AT LEAST YOURS IS A WHOLE 241 00:26:43,903 --> 00:26:47,774 PICTURE. A WHOLE PICTURE? YOU'RE 11. 242 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:52,379 DON'T LOOK AT THOSE. MY PICTURE IS PATHETIC AND RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE. 243 00:26:52,379 --> 00:26:55,815 NOW BOTH RUN AND GET YOUR HALVES OF THE PICTURE. HERE IT IS. 244 00:26:55,815 --> 00:26:58,685 THE PICTURE OF MY DAD. OKAY. I GOT MINE. 245 00:26:58,685 --> 00:27:04,758 ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE'LL SHOW THEM TO EACH OTHER, OKAY? OKAY. 246 00:27:04,758 --> 00:27:14,701 ONE, TWO, THREE. WHOA. LESLIE MAN AND ED HELMS. 247 00:27:14,701 --> 00:27:21,241 IS THIS FOR STREAMING. SO IF YOUR MOM IS MY MOM AND MY DAD IS YOUR BAD AND WE'RE 248 00:27:21,241 --> 00:27:27,514 BOTH BORN ON OCTOBER 11th, THEN YOU AND I ARE LIKE SISTERS. SISTERS? 249 00:27:27,514 --> 00:27:32,452 HALLIE, WE'RE FREAKING TWINS. ANNIE. OH, MY GOD, WOW, I'M LIKE 250 00:27:32,452 --> 00:27:36,656 CRYING NOW. THIS IS AMAZING. SO THEY JUST SPLIT US UP? 251 00:27:36,656 --> 00:27:41,494 WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO US? WE'VE GOT TO KILL THEM. THERE'S TWO OF US. 252 00:27:41,494 --> 00:27:44,898 IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN KILL THEM. I'M KIDDING. 253 00:27:44,898 --> 00:27:46,966 I LOVE YOU. AND CUT. WOW, THAT WAS IT. 254 00:27:46,966 --> 00:27:51,571 THANK YOU BOTH FOR THOSE PERFORMANCES. I'M BLOWN AWAY. 255 00:27:51,571 --> 00:27:55,742 THIS IS GOING TO BE A HIT, AND I'LL SEE YOU BOTH AT THE PREMIER. 256 00:28:02,215 --> 00:28:07,320 Announcer: YOU'RE WATCHING MTV. AT NINE, IT'S THREE STRAIGHT 257 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:13,026 DAYS OF "RIDICULOUSNESS." BUT FIRST, AN ALL NEW "RIDICULOUSNESS." 258 00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:19,733 WHAT IS UP, WHAT IS UP? WELCOME TO "RIDICULOUSNESS." I'M ROB DYRDEK, AND YOU WOULDN'T 259 00:28:19,733 --> 00:28:27,040 KNOW IT FROM MY CLOTHES, BUT I'M ALMOST 50, Y'ALL. JOINING ME AS ALWAYS, STEELO 260 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:32,645 BRIM AND CHANEL WEST COAST. WHAT UP, ROB? I'M ALREADY LAUGHING. 261 00:28:32,645 --> 00:28:39,386 AND TODAY'S SPECIAL GUEST, YOU KNOW HER FROM TIKTOK, IT'S LEE LEE TWO TIMES. 262 00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:47,293 YO, WHAT UP, WHAT UP? YO, CONGRATS ON ALL YOUR SUCCESS AND FOR LOOKING FINE AS 263 00:28:47,293 --> 00:28:49,062 HELL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 264 00:28:49,062 --> 00:28:57,070 YEAH. JUST TURNED 17 LAST WEEK! 17! 265 00:28:57,070 --> 00:28:59,906 OOPSY! I MEANT FINE AS HELL AS A FRIEND. 266 00:28:59,906 --> 00:29:06,479 ALL RIGHT. LET'S WATCH SOME VIDS, KIDS. THIS IS FALLING OFF. 267 00:29:06,479 --> 00:29:11,818 FIRST, PEEP THESE FOOLS PARTYING ON A BOAT UP IN HERE. OH, OOPSY. 268 00:29:11,818 --> 00:29:17,257 WHITE GIRL OVERBOARD. THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT, YO. SEE THAT'S WHY MY ASS DON'T 269 00:29:17,257 --> 00:29:24,931 MESS WITH BOATS. YEAH, I FEEL YOU. I WAS ON THIS FAMILY VACAY ONE 270 00:29:24,931 --> 00:29:30,603 TIME. MY COUSIN HAILEY WAS DOING THAT WHITE GIRL SELFIE POSE AND WE 271 00:29:30,603 --> 00:29:39,946 HIT A WAVE, AND BAM! SHE FELL RIGHT OFF THAT BOAT AND FELL UNDER, BUT THE PROPELLER 272 00:29:39,946 --> 00:29:45,051 HIT HER AND HER HEAD FELL OFF. OH, MY GOD. THAT IS HORRIFIC. 273 00:29:45,051 --> 00:29:52,158 AND THE WORST PART WAS BECAUSE LIKE ALL THE BLOOD, A HUNTING FINDING NEMO FISH CAME 274 00:29:52,158 --> 00:29:59,332 AROUND AND STARTED EATING AT HER HEAD. I'M SO SORRY, GIRL. 275 00:29:59,332 --> 00:30:06,272 YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO. LET'S PEEP ANOTHER VID. LET TRY TO KEEP OUR ANECDOTES 276 00:30:06,272 --> 00:30:11,678 MORE FUN, LESS TRAGIC AND UPSETTING. CHECK THIS OUT. 277 00:30:11,678 --> 00:30:19,886 YO, THIS CAT, DUDE, WHAT, UH-OH, CUP HEAD. UH-OH, YO THAT CAT WAS TRIPPING. 278 00:30:19,886 --> 00:30:25,058 CHANEL LIKED THAT ONE RIGHT THERE. YO, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, YO. 279 00:30:25,058 --> 00:30:33,199 YO, CATS ARE A TRIP. YEAH, MAN, THEY CRAZY. LIKE GROWING UP, OUR CAT 280 00:30:33,199 --> 00:30:37,370 SADIE WAS ALWAYS GETTING PREGNANT. SO SADIE A HO. 281 00:30:37,370 --> 00:30:42,642 FOR REAL. SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH ONE TIME AND SIX KITTENS COMING OUT. 282 00:30:42,642 --> 00:30:48,081 ALL OF THEM LOOKING DIFFERENT THAN THEY DADDY. SADIE, WHO YOU SMASHING? 283 00:30:48,081 --> 00:30:56,890 THEY CAME OUT FUSED INTO ONE BIG FURRY BALL OF CAT PARTS. EARS, TAILS, ALL STICKING OUT. 284 00:30:56,890 --> 00:31:03,530 IT WAS NOT FIRE. HA-HA-HA. CHANEL, YOU GOT A CAT. 285 00:31:03,530 --> 00:31:09,636 YOU GOT ANY FUNNY CAT STORIES, GIRL? WAS THE CAT ALIVE? 286 00:31:09,636 --> 00:31:13,473 YEAH. YEAH. BUT LIKE IT DIDN'T HAVE A MOUTH, 287 00:31:13,473 --> 00:31:21,614 SO IT WAS SCREAMING FROM THE INSIDE LIKE MM! YEAH. 288 00:31:21,614 --> 00:31:23,917 YEAH. YEAH. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP MAKING 289 00:31:23,917 --> 00:31:30,190 THAT NOISE, LEE LEE, WE GOT IT. ALL RIGHT. WE GOING TO PLAY WHAT'S GOING TO 290 00:31:30,190 --> 00:31:35,495 GO DOWN. HERE'S THE FIRST FRAME OF OUR NEXT VID. 291 00:31:35,495 --> 00:31:40,500 UH-OH, WE GOT A DUDE IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AT THE TOP OF SOME STAIRS. 292 00:31:40,500 --> 00:31:46,940 STEELO, WHAT'S GOING TO GO DOWN? I THINK THAT DUDE'S FLYING OUT OF THAT THING ON THE FIRST 293 00:31:46,940 --> 00:31:49,943 STAIR, MAN. WHAT YOU THINK, CHANEL? SAME. 294 00:31:49,943 --> 00:31:54,581 SO HOW LONG DID THAT CAT HAVE TO LIVE? YO, NO MORE CAT BALL. 295 00:31:54,581 --> 00:31:58,952 OKAY? THE CAT BALL'S WEIRD AND SAT. IT'S NOT THE VIBE OF THE SHOW, 296 00:31:58,952 --> 00:32:02,555 OKAY? YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE ON THAT, MAN. 297 00:32:02,555 --> 00:32:06,459 LET KILL THE CAT BALL. ACTUALLY, THE MOM CAT KILLED THE CAT BALL. 298 00:32:06,459 --> 00:32:11,765 YO, NO MORE CAT BALL, YO. THAT CAT BALL IS DONE. PLEASE. 299 00:32:11,765 --> 00:32:17,504 OKAY, LEE LEE, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN THIS VID? I THINK THIS WHITE BOY GOING 300 00:32:17,504 --> 00:32:24,244 TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND JUMP OUT AND START WILDING. 301 00:32:24,244 --> 00:32:27,247 THEN HE'S GOING TO FALL ON HIS ASS? NO. 302 00:32:27,247 --> 00:32:32,819 HE'S GOING TO GET A TEXT THAT SAYS HIS PARENTS WERE MURDERED. NOPE, NOT THAT. 303 00:32:32,819 --> 00:32:37,357 WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, RESET THE VIBE, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE 304 00:32:37,357 --> 00:32:41,494 "RIDICULOUSNESS." I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE. 305 00:32:41,494 --> 00:32:43,897 I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE. I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK. 306 00:32:59,012 --> 00:33:03,616 I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER, ALL RIGHT? HEY, CASEY. 307 00:33:03,616 --> 00:33:08,521 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I KNOW YOU AND THE GUYS USUALLY HANG OUT AT WAFFLE HOUSE 308 00:33:08,521 --> 00:33:12,792 AFTER YOUR GAMES, SO I FIGURED YOU WOULD BE HERE. I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL 309 00:33:12,792 --> 00:33:16,329 YOU. WHAT'S UP? I'M NOT GOING TO STATE NEXT 310 00:33:16,329 --> 00:33:20,400 YEAR. HEY! THESE WAFFLES ARE TOO SMALL! 311 00:33:20,400 --> 00:33:25,638 WE HAD A PLAN. WE WERE BOTH GOING GO TO STATE THEN MOVE BACK TO TOWN AFTER AND 312 00:33:25,638 --> 00:33:28,975 GET MARRIED. THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED. NO. 313 00:33:28,975 --> 00:33:32,078 THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, ZACK. ALL RIGHT? I WANT MORE. 314 00:33:32,078 --> 00:33:37,083 MORE THAN STATE, MORE THAN THIS TOWN. MORE THAN ME. 315 00:33:37,083 --> 00:33:42,989 YEAH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? 316 00:33:42,989 --> 00:33:46,793 NOTHING. I APPLIED TO THIS MUSIC PROGRAM IN NEW YORK CITY. 317 00:33:46,793 --> 00:33:53,867 I GOT IN. OH, MY GOD. WHOSE DOG IS THIS? 318 00:33:53,867 --> 00:33:58,772 THAT'S MY DOG. AREN'T YOU GOING SAY ANYTHING? 319 00:33:58,772 --> 00:34:05,512 GET THIS DOG OUT OF HERE! I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, CASEY? 320 00:34:05,512 --> 00:34:10,050 CONGRATS? I'M LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I'M JUST THE LOVE OF YOUR 321 00:34:10,050 --> 00:34:16,089 LIFE SO FAR. YOU'LL FIND OTHER GIRLS. THEY WON'T BE YOU. 322 00:34:16,089 --> 00:34:21,261 I JUST -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE 8th 323 00:34:21,261 --> 00:34:24,431 GRADE. I KNOW. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. 324 00:34:24,431 --> 00:34:32,572 I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU. OH, EXCUSE ME! 325 00:34:32,572 --> 00:34:36,409 I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO FIND THAT OUT. TRUST ME. 326 00:34:36,409 --> 00:34:41,081 THIS WASN'T AN EASY DECISION. YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, CASEY. 327 00:34:41,081 --> 00:34:48,154 WE GOT A 724 IN PROGRESS. MAYBE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT GROWING UP 328 00:34:48,154 --> 00:34:52,459 IS? IT'S ABOUT TAKING THE BIG CHANCES, MAKING THE BIG 329 00:34:52,459 --> 00:34:55,862 MISTAKES. YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW WE BECOME WHO WE'RE MEANT TO BE. 330 00:34:55,862 --> 00:34:59,799 DO IT! I'LL DO IT. DO IT! 331 00:34:59,799 --> 00:35:03,536 IF YOU SAY SO. YOU KNOW WHERE I'M PUTTING THESE? 332 00:35:03,536 --> 00:35:09,242 RIGHT DOWN MY PANTS, BABY. THAT'S WHERE I LIKE IT. I KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT 333 00:35:09,242 --> 00:35:15,749 DECISION. WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW, MAYBE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL FIND EACH 334 00:35:15,749 --> 00:35:25,091 OTHER AGAIN. IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, IT'LL BE. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE. 335 00:35:25,091 --> 00:35:44,444 NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT. I GUESS. COME HERE. 336 00:35:44,444 --> 00:35:49,816 BIG MISTAKE. THANK YOU. FOR WHAT? 337 00:35:49,816 --> 00:36:00,760 EVERYTHING. I GUESS THANK YOU TOO. DO YOU NEED A RIDE HOME? 338 00:36:00,760 --> 00:36:07,200 NO. MY DAD DROVE ME. YOU READY TO GO, BABY GIRL? 339 00:36:07,200 --> 00:36:16,042 YEAH, DAD. FREE BIRD GOT TO FLY, SON. ** 340 00:36:25,051 --> 00:36:30,457 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 1975. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 341 00:36:30,457 --> 00:36:44,771 ** * HEARTBEAT IS COMIN' * * IN SO STRONG 342 00:36:44,771 --> 00:36:49,075 OH IF YOU DON'T STOP I'M GONNA NEED * 343 00:36:49,075 --> 00:36:57,617 * A SECOND ONE OH THERE'S SOMETHIN' I'VE BEEN MEANING TO 344 00:36:57,617 --> 00:37:02,522 SAY TO YOU BABY * * HOLD THAT THOUGHT YEAH THERE'S SOMETHIN' 345 00:37:02,522 --> 00:37:10,563 I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY TO YOU BABY * * BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT 346 00:37:10,563 --> 00:37:15,935 WHAT A CALL MOVING IN I FEEL LIKE I CAN LOOSEN MY LIPS * 347 00:37:15,935 --> 00:37:21,341 * COME ON SO STRONG I CAN SUMMARIZE IT FOR YOU AH 348 00:37:21,341 --> 00:37:26,212 IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU 349 00:37:26,212 --> 00:37:31,651 I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I 350 00:37:31,651 --> 00:37:38,091 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I IN LOVE WITH YOU * 351 00:37:38,091 --> 00:37:42,929 * I-I-I-I SHE'S GOT A BROADSHEET SHE'S READING 352 00:37:42,929 --> 00:37:48,268 DOWN THE LIST * * OF THE GOING WRONGS OH YEAH YEAH YEAH 353 00:37:48,268 --> 00:37:52,072 I'M GETTIN' NO SLEEP BECAUSE I'M * * TOSSIN' AND TURNIN' 354 00:37:52,072 --> 00:37:57,977 ALL NIGHT LONG YEAH OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE * 355 00:37:57,977 --> 00:38:02,282 * BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION 356 00:38:02,282 --> 00:38:05,585 HOLD THAT THOUGHT * * OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE 357 00:38:05,585 --> 00:38:10,490 BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO * * TAKE THE CONVERSATION 358 00:38:10,490 --> 00:38:14,260 BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT YOU SHOW ME YOUR YOU SHOW ME YOUR * 359 00:38:14,260 --> 00:38:17,030 * BLACK GIRL THING BLACK GIRL THING PRETENDING THAT I KNOW 360 00:38:17,030 --> 00:38:21,835 WHAT IT IS * * I WASN'T LISTENING I APOLOGIZE 361 00:38:21,835 --> 00:38:27,774 AND YOU MEET MY EYES YEAH IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS 362 00:38:27,774 --> 00:38:33,179 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * 363 00:38:33,179 --> 00:38:39,052 * I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I 364 00:38:39,052 --> 00:38:44,958 IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU 365 00:38:44,958 --> 00:38:50,330 I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I 366 00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:56,202 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * 367 00:38:56,202 --> 00:39:01,541 * I-I-I-I-I AND YEAH I GOT IT I FOUND IT 368 00:39:01,541 --> 00:39:06,880 I'VE JUST GOTTA KEEP IT * * DON'T HEY YOU MUPPET IT'S NOT THAT DEEP 369 00:39:06,880 --> 00:39:12,819 BUT I'VE BEEN COUNTING MY BLESSINGS * * THINKING THIS THROUGH 370 00:39:12,819 --> 00:39:18,191 IT'S LIKE ONE TWO YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I * 371 00:39:18,191 --> 00:39:24,097 * I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU 372 00:39:24,097 --> 00:39:28,902 I-I-I-I * * I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I 373 00:39:28,902 --> 00:39:33,740 YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I 374 00:39:33,740 --> 00:39:40,680 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * 375 00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,917 * I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I 376 00:39:43,917 --> 00:40:04,871 I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I ** 377 00:40:04,871 --> 00:40:26,192 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 378 00:40:30,363 --> 00:40:37,270 Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. 379 00:40:37,270 --> 00:40:43,209 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." 380 00:40:43,209 --> 00:40:54,254 I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEKEND, BITTER RIVALS WHO 381 00:40:54,254 --> 00:40:59,459 HAVE BEEN DESPERATELY PANNING FOR VOTES AND TRYING TO FORCE THEIR POLITICS ON AMERICA WILL 382 00:40:59,459 --> 00:41:03,396 FINALLY FACE OFF IN PERSON. I'M OF COURSE TALKING ABOUT TOMORROW'S OSCARS. 383 00:41:03,396 --> 00:41:10,103 THEY REAPOLOGETICED A REQUEST FROM UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY TO MAKE AN 384 00:41:10,103 --> 00:41:16,443 APPEARANCE DURING THE OSCARS, BUT THEY PROMISE VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY WILL BE HOW JOHN 385 00:41:16,443 --> 00:41:23,083 TRAVOLTA ANNOUNCES VIOLA DAVIS. ORGANIZERS SAID THEY CHANGED THE COLOR OF THE ARRIVAL CARPET FROM 386 00:41:23,083 --> 00:41:27,120 RED TO CHAMPAGNE SO THE MOOD WOULD BE MORE MELLOW. I DON'T KNOW. 387 00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:32,992 SWITCHING FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE USUALLY TURNS ME INTO A FULL ON BITCH. 388 00:41:32,992 --> 00:41:43,837 PRESIDENT BIDEN PROPOSED HIS BUDGET THAT WOULD HELP FUND MEDICARE WITH A 25% TAX ON 389 00:41:43,837 --> 00:41:48,875 MILLIONAIRES. HA, TAKE THAT, RIHANNA. PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PROPOSED 390 00:41:48,875 --> 00:41:55,682 BUDGET INCLUDED $400 MILLION TO TARGET THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF CHINESE DISINFORMATION, FORTUNE 391 00:41:55,682 --> 00:42:09,229 COOKIES. TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE LAUGHING AT A DOG LOCKED IN A 392 00:42:09,229 --> 00:42:16,469 HOT CAR RELEASED SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6 ATTACKS WITH THE VIOLENCE EDITED 393 00:42:16,469 --> 00:42:21,408 OUT AND SAID IT PROVES IT WAS A PEACEFUL GATHERING. WHICH IS LIKE EDITING ALL THE 394 00:42:21,408 --> 00:42:27,080 SEX OUT OF A PORN VIDEO AND SAYING IT'S A SHORT FILM ABOUT BEING A STEP MOM. 395 00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:32,619 NEW DOCUMENTS FROM THE DOMINION LAWSUIT REVEALED TEXTS FROM TUCKER CARLSON IN WHICH HE 396 00:42:32,619 --> 00:42:39,092 SAYS HE HATES DONALD TRUMP PASSIONATELY AND CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE'S ABLE TO IGNORE HIM. 397 00:42:39,092 --> 00:42:47,300 THAT MUST SUCK TO GO ON TV AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME PSYCHOTIC BIG GOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD 398 00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:56,109 FOR THE SHOW. ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU, COLIN. I DON'T GET IT. 399 00:42:56,109 --> 00:43:05,051 RUE PAUL HARSHLY CRITICIZED LAWMAKERS WHO BANNED DRAG SHOWS, AND LET ME JUST SAY, I GOT TO 400 00:43:05,051 --> 00:43:15,628 SERVE REALNESS ON THIS ONE. THESE DUSTY BREEDERS ARE RESTING ON UGLY, AND I AM GAGGING ON IT. 401 00:43:15,628 --> 00:43:23,703 I'M SORRY, GUYS, BEFORE THE SHOW, I SWITCHED FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE. 402 00:43:23,703 --> 00:43:29,075 OH, BOY. PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID THAT HE SUPPORTS A BILL THAT WOULD ALLOW 403 00:43:29,075 --> 00:43:34,948 THE GOVERNMENT TO BAN TIKTOK. BUT ONLY BECAUSE BIDEN THINKS TIKTOK IS A GANG MEMBER FROM HIS 404 00:43:34,948 --> 00:43:41,221 OLD NEIGHBORHOOD. AFTER WALGREENS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL STOP SELLING ABORTION 405 00:43:41,221 --> 00:43:48,995 PILLS IN 21 STATES, CVS HAS REMAINED SILENT. WHILE OVER AT RITE AID, YOU CAN 406 00:43:48,995 --> 00:43:55,368 JUST GRAB A PILL FROM THE TAKE ABORTION LEAVE ABORTION TRAY. IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE 407 00:43:55,368 --> 00:44:01,608 ORGANIZERS OF KING CHARLES' CORONATION HAVE OFFICIALLY INVITED MEGHAN MARKLE -- AND 408 00:44:01,608 --> 00:44:10,650 THIS IS NICE -- AT A STARTING SALARY OF $19 AN HOUR. THAT SEEMS VERY GENEROUS, GUYS. 409 00:44:12,752 --> 00:44:18,625 THIS WEEK, TENNESSEE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR RANDY McNALLY WAS CAUGHT USING HIS 410 00:44:18,625 --> 00:44:25,231 VERIFIED INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT TO ENGAGE WITH PROVOCATIVE PHOTOS OF A GAY YOUNG MAN. 411 00:44:25,231 --> 00:44:30,470 HERE TO COMMENT THE GOVERNOR McNALLY. SORRY I'M LATE. 412 00:44:30,470 --> 00:44:36,076 I SPENT ALL DAY PRINTING OUT MAP QUEST DIRECTIONS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT 413 00:44:36,076 --> 00:44:42,615 I'M NOT GOOD AT THE INTERNET. YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN WHO SUPPORTS TENNESSEE'S ANTI-DRAG 414 00:44:42,615 --> 00:44:47,520 LAWS. CAN YOU KU EXPLAIN WHY YOU COMMENTED ON A THIRST TRAP, YOU 415 00:44:47,520 --> 00:44:53,226 CAN TURN A RAINY DAY INTO RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE? I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD FIND 416 00:44:53,226 --> 00:44:57,397 OUT BECAUSE I USED A SCREEN NAME. WHAT IS THE SCREEN NAME? 417 00:44:57,397 --> 00:45:02,435 LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR McNALLY. YOU SEE HOW THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM. 418 00:45:02,435 --> 00:45:10,143 ALSO I WANT TO POINT OUT YOU COMMENTED THREE HEARTS AND THREE FIRE EMOJIS ON THIS NAKED PHOTO 419 00:45:10,143 --> 00:45:14,614 OF THE SAME YOUNG GAY MAN. WELL, COLIN, I DON'T DISCRIMINATE. 420 00:45:14,614 --> 00:45:20,086 I COMMENT ON PHOTOS OF ALL ORIENTATIONS. ORIENTATIONS LIKE FROM THE SIDE, 421 00:45:20,086 --> 00:45:26,626 FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE BACK. THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BUTT, BUT IT HELPS. 422 00:45:26,626 --> 00:45:33,967 WHATEVER THE PHOTO, IT'S MY JOB TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSTITUENTS. I THINK IT'S JUST SOME 423 00:45:33,967 --> 00:45:39,339 CONFUSION ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS. COLIN, I STAND BY MY TRADITIONAL VALUES. 424 00:45:39,339 --> 00:45:45,745 I BELIEVE A WOMAN SHOULD BE IN THE HOME, AND A MAN SHOULD BE 143 POUNDS AND DANCING TO DUA 425 00:45:45,745 --> 00:45:48,782 LIPA. OKAY. YOU -- OKAY. 426 00:45:48,782 --> 00:45:58,391 YES. YOU'RE VERY CUTE, BUT YOU ARE -- YOU ARE CLAIMING THESE 427 00:45:58,391 --> 00:46:04,097 INTERACTIONS ARE INNOCENT, BUT IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR THE 428 00:46:04,097 --> 00:46:10,337 LITTLE GUY, JOE AVERAGE, EVERY TOM, DICK, AND HAIRLESS. I THINK SO THE PEOPLE OF 429 00:46:10,337 --> 00:46:15,375 TENNESSEE FEEL MISLED. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I'M JUST LOOKING. 430 00:46:15,375 --> 00:46:24,250 LOOKING AT PICTURES ON ZILLOW DOESN'T MAKE ME A HOMEOWNER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DONE A FEW 3D 431 00:46:24,250 --> 00:46:28,621 TOURS. RANDY. RANDY BY NAME, RANDY BY 432 00:46:28,621 --> 00:46:35,662 NATURE. WHY ARE YOU INTERACTING WITH THESE YOUNG MEN? 433 00:46:35,662 --> 00:46:40,066 BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO VOTERS OR PEOPLE WHO COULD VOTE IN THE FUTURE. 434 00:46:40,066 --> 00:46:46,773 I'M A PROUD CONSERVATIVE. I RESPECT POLICE OFFICERS, FIRE FIGHTERS, ANY MAN WHO PUTS HIS 435 00:46:46,773 --> 00:46:50,310 BODY ONLINE FOR OTHERS. DO YOU MEAN ON THE LINE FOR OTHERS? 436 00:46:50,310 --> 00:46:55,648 WHAT DID I SAY? BY THE WAY, ANY CHANCE YOU CAN PRINT ME OUT ANOTHER MAP QUEST? 437 00:46:55,648 --> 00:46:59,686 I'M TRYING TO GET TO FLAMING SADDLES. RAN DID I, FOLKS ARE CALLING 438 00:46:59,686 --> 00:47:06,659 YOU A HYPOCRITE FOR ENFORCING ANTILBGTQ LAWS WHILE SEEMING TO ENJOY QUEER CONTENT. 439 00:47:06,659 --> 00:47:12,232 WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I'M A HYPOCRITE? THAT I WAS FLIRTING WITH A 440 00:47:12,232 --> 00:47:17,671 20-YEAR-OLD DANCING AROUND IN HIS FINE WASHABLES? THAT I MADE IT LEGAL TO HAVE 441 00:47:17,671 --> 00:47:23,510 GUNS IN LIBRARIES BUT NOT DRAG QUEENS? THAT I PUBLICLY HATE THINGS THAT 442 00:47:23,510 --> 00:47:28,581 I SECRETLY LIKE? BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ARE TELLING ME TO GET OFF 443 00:47:28,581 --> 00:47:37,123 INSTAGRAM, AND GUESS THAT, I WILL BECAUSE I FORGOT MY PASSWORD. 444 00:47:37,123 --> 00:47:42,262 PASSWORD. RANDY McNALLY, EVER ANY TIME. 445 00:47:45,565 --> 00:47:51,871 A DEEP SEA DIVER HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SET A NEW WORLD RECORD BY LIVING UNDER 446 00:47:51,871 --> 00:47:56,309 WATER FOR 100 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE THE RECORD IS LONGER THAN THAT, SAID THE PEOPLE OF 447 00:47:56,309 --> 00:48:03,049 NEW ORLEANS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH. 448 00:48:03,049 --> 00:48:11,224 A MAN IN FLORIDA SAID HE WAS SURPRISED WHEN HE HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND IT TURNED OUT TO 449 00:48:11,224 --> 00:48:16,129 BE AN ALLIGATOR. EVEN MORE SURPRISING, IT WAS DOING THE THING FROM "LOVE 450 00:48:16,129 --> 00:48:19,532 ACTUALLY". OFFICIALS IN BERLIN ANNOUNCED THAT WOMEN WILL NOW BE 451 00:48:19,532 --> 00:48:25,238 ALLOWED TO GO TOPLESS AT THE CITY'S POOLS, BUT OFFICIALS ALSO SAID TO BE AWARE IT'S NOT GOING 452 00:48:25,238 --> 00:48:33,513 TO BE THE ONES YOU WANT. ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, BY 2035, MORE THAN HALF OF THE 453 00:48:33,513 --> 00:48:43,590 WORLD'S POPULATION WILL BE JUST HOW I LIKE THEM. A PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A 454 00:48:43,590 --> 00:48:48,461 98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN KENTUCKY MEETING HER FIRST GREAT GREAT GREAT GRAND CHILD. 455 00:48:48,461 --> 00:48:56,136 WOW, I WISH I HAD GOTTEN TO MEET MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER SO I COULD HAVE TOLD HER, DON'T 456 00:48:56,136 --> 00:49:02,208 GET ON THAT BOAT! I EVEN TRIED ACTING DURING THAT ONE, MAN. 457 00:49:02,208 --> 00:49:08,481 THERE IS A TREND ON TIKTOK OF PEOPLE EATING ORANGES IN SHOWERS CLAIMING THAT IT REDUCES 458 00:49:08,481 --> 00:49:13,420 STRESS AND ANXIETY. BUT IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE FILMING YOURSELF EATING IN THE 459 00:49:13,420 --> 00:49:22,562 SHOWER, I WOULD ARGUE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ANXIETY. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT LONG 460 00:49:22,562 --> 00:49:30,737 DISTANCE RUNNING DOES NOT CAUSE WEAR AND TEAR ON MARATHONERS' KNEES, BUT IT DOES SAND THEIR 461 00:49:30,737 --> 00:49:37,043 NIPPLES CLEAN OFF. WEDNESDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY -- I SAID WAS. 462 00:49:37,043 --> 00:49:43,083 NEXT JOKE. A NEW STUDY FINDS -- [ LAUGHTER ] 463 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:49,189 A NEW STUDY FINDS SOME NEW YORK CITY RATS CARRY THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID, WHICH IS WHY I 464 00:49:49,189 --> 00:49:58,164 ALWAYS ORDER MINE WELL DONE. WELL, GUYS, WE -- WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE LEFT OF THE 465 00:49:58,164 --> 00:50:02,469 END OF UPDATE. HERE TO FILL IT WITH SOME RANDOM IMPRESSIONS IS JAMES AUSTIN 466 00:50:02,469 --> 00:50:07,107 JOHNSON. WOW. ALL RIGHT. 467 00:50:07,107 --> 00:50:17,017 JAMES, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION? THIS IS ADAM DRIVER AS KYLA 468 00:50:17,017 --> 00:50:21,087 FROM STAR WARS ON THE SHOW GIRLS. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS 469 00:50:21,087 --> 00:50:25,525 TO BE ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE? NO, YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A 470 00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,362 CHILD! OKAY. GREAT, GREAT. 471 00:50:29,362 --> 00:50:31,131 ALL RIGHT. WAIT. ALL RIGHT. 472 00:50:31,131 --> 00:50:37,303 WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? BATMAN AND HE'S READING WHERE'S WALDO. 473 00:50:37,303 --> 00:50:43,443 BATMAN READING WHERE'S WALDO. WHERE IS HE? OKAY. 474 00:50:43,443 --> 00:50:46,246 ALL RIGHT. OKAY. WELL, THAT'S GREAT. 475 00:50:46,246 --> 00:50:50,617 I THINK WE'RE ALREADY RUNNING OUT OF TIME. OKAY. 476 00:50:50,617 --> 00:50:56,289 THIS NEXT IMPRESSION WOULD MAKE A GREAT SKETCH ON THE SHOW. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT. 477 00:50:56,289 --> 00:51:01,461 SURE. THIS IS JAY-Z AND HE'S DOWNSTAIRS. 478 00:51:01,461 --> 00:51:15,275 OKAY. BUSEY, BUSEY, BEYONCE. HOLD ON. 479 00:51:15,275 --> 00:51:22,382 HOW WOULD YOU PLAY JAY-Z? HE WOULD BE DOWNSTAIRS. YOU DON'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S 480 00:51:22,382 --> 00:51:24,584 DOWNSTAIRS. I DON'T THINK YOU PUT MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS. 481 00:51:24,584 --> 00:51:31,691 I HAVE A STOCK PILE OF USELESS TWO SECOND IMPRESSIONS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO 482 00:51:31,691 --> 00:51:37,330 WITH, SO I KIND OF THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THEM ON UPDATE WHERE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. 483 00:51:37,330 --> 00:51:42,736 BUT I HAVE TO GET THESE IMPRESSIONS OUT. IT'S MY BRAND. 484 00:51:42,736 --> 00:51:47,207 BARTENDERS WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME AT THE AFTERPARTY IF I DON'T DO MY TRUMP VOICE. 485 00:51:47,207 --> 00:51:53,980 WE HAVE BEEN WAITING A VERY LONG TIME FOR THAT NEGRONI. THIS IS MUCH TOO LONG. 486 00:51:53,980 --> 00:52:00,553 IT'S A THREE INGREDIENT GREEN. IT'S VERY, VERY SWEET. I LOVE MY NEGRONI. 487 00:52:00,553 --> 00:52:05,325 WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE IMPRESSION, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE QUICK. 488 00:52:05,325 --> 00:52:13,833 I'VE GOT THE PERFECT ONE. THIS IS BOB DYLAN'S CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE. 489 00:52:13,833 --> 00:52:19,072 HEY, HEY, HEY. JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON, EVERYONE. 490 00:52:19,072 --> 00:52:24,611 JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON, EVERYONE. FOR "WEEKEND 491 00:52:36,322 --> 00:52:41,695 WITHOUT FATHER MURPHY, I CAN'T PERFORM AN EXORCISM ALONE. YOU WILL ROT IN HELL. 492 00:52:41,695 --> 00:52:46,399 HONEY, HEAR MY VOICE. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THERE, CLAIRE. 493 00:52:46,399 --> 00:52:51,504 DID SOMEONE JUST KNOCK ON OUR DOOR? HELLO? 494 00:52:51,504 --> 00:52:58,611 IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT IS ALL THE RUCCUS? OH, FATHER, THIS IS OUR 495 00:52:58,611 --> 00:53:08,788 UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, MRS. SHAW. AND I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 45 MINUTES AGO, BUT I SUPPOSE 496 00:53:08,788 --> 00:53:11,291 YOU ALL DECIDE TODAY THROW A PARTY ON A TUESDAY. THIS ISN'T A PARTY. 497 00:53:11,291 --> 00:53:17,197 IT'S OUR DAUGHTER. SHE'S BEEN POSSESSED. WE'RE WAITING FOR FATHER 498 00:53:17,197 --> 00:53:19,399 MURPHY. Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO WAIT. I'LL DO IT. 499 00:53:19,399 --> 00:53:23,636 DO WHAT? THE EXORCISM. I'M GETTING MY SLEEP TONIGHT. 500 00:53:23,636 --> 00:53:28,808 AHH! AHH! SEE I CAN DO IT TOO, OKAY? 501 00:53:28,808 --> 00:53:33,380 YOU DON'T SCARE ME, SWEETIE. YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL. YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD. 502 00:53:33,380 --> 00:53:40,086 I'LL LET YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN A CROSSING GUARD AT NASSAU AND EDGE MONT FOR SIX YEARS. 503 00:53:40,086 --> 00:53:47,327 THAT'S SIX LANES. EVERY DAY, I'M THE ONLY THING STOPPING 5th GRADERS FROM 504 00:53:47,327 --> 00:53:53,733 GETTING SENT TO HELL BY A U.P.S. TRUCK. HELLO? 505 00:53:53,733 --> 00:54:00,607 OKAY, YOU NEED TO GET OUT. USE YOUR WORDS. SUCK MY BUTT! 506 00:54:00,607 --> 00:54:04,911 NO, MA'AM, I DON'T DO ALL THAT. I TOSSED SALAD ONCE, AND I WAS 507 00:54:04,911 --> 00:54:09,916 LIKE, THIS AIN'T FOR ME. MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THE PRIEST, MRS. SHAW. 508 00:54:09,916 --> 00:54:16,523 OH, NO. I NEED TO GET MY EIGHT HOURS. UH-OH, WHERE'S SHE GOING? 509 00:54:16,523 --> 00:54:22,128 YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, YOU STUPID WHORE. STUPID WHAT NOW? 510 00:54:22,128 --> 00:54:27,867 OH, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT. YESTERDAY, A THIRD GRADER CALLED 511 00:54:27,867 --> 00:54:37,077 ME A USED UP SKANK. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? YOU'RE AN UGLY -- UMM -- 512 00:54:37,077 --> 00:54:42,949 UMM WHAT? LOOK AT YOU STUTTERING. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BEFORE I TURN 513 00:54:42,949 --> 00:54:46,286 ON THE CEILING FAN. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. IS IT WORKING? 514 00:54:46,286 --> 00:54:50,490 YEAH, IT IS. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT. LET ME OUT. 515 00:54:50,490 --> 00:54:58,598 SHE'S EXPELLING THE DEMON. QUICK, WE'LL NEED A NEW VESSEL. I GOT YOU A VESSEL ALL RIGHT. 516 00:54:58,598 --> 00:55:02,168 FRANK! GET DOWN HERE, FRANK! WOMAN, WHAT YOU WANT? 517 00:55:02,168 --> 00:55:08,041 I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T SLEEP IF YOU'RE TALKING. 518 00:55:08,041 --> 00:55:15,849 AND LITTLE GIRL, YOUR ASS BETTER NOT BE LEVITATING BACK THERE. SORRY, MRS. SHAW. 519 00:55:15,849 --> 00:55:20,920 THANK YOU, BABY. WAKING MY ASS UP AT 9:00 P.M. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. 520 00:55:20,920 --> 00:55:27,627 WE DOING AN EXORCISM, FRANK. WELL, I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 47 MINUTES AGO. 521 00:55:27,627 --> 00:55:32,699 WE KNOW, BABY. NOW YOU GOT TO BE A VESSEL FOR THIS HERE DEMON. 522 00:55:32,699 --> 00:55:38,805 I DON'T WANT DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I'LL CANCEL OUR SEX DATE NEXT WEEK. 523 00:55:38,805 --> 00:55:42,709 OKAY. FOUND MY WEAK SPOT. LET ME GET SITUATED FIRST. 524 00:55:42,709 --> 00:55:49,883 ALL RIGHT. COME ON NOW, DEMON. DO YOUR WORST. 525 00:55:49,883 --> 00:56:00,694 OH, MY GOD. MOM, DAD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY ARE THE SHAWS IN OUR HOUSE? 526 00:56:00,694 --> 00:56:05,932 SHOULDN'T THEY BE ASLEEP? WE CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH. IT'S ALL GOOD. 527 00:56:05,932 --> 00:56:10,170 IT'S ALL GOOD. Y'ALL SLEEP TIGHT NOW. COME ON, 528 00:56:23,616 --> 00:56:30,790 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL * * YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR WEEKS 529 00:56:30,790 --> 00:56:36,129 IF I'M UNDECIDED WILL YOU DECIDE FOR ME BABY I'LL DO ANYTHING * 530 00:56:36,129 --> 00:56:39,366 * THAT YOU WANNA I'LL TRY ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA 531 00:56:39,366 --> 00:56:48,608 I'LL TRY * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE 532 00:56:48,608 --> 00:56:54,547 I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS 533 00:56:54,547 --> 00:57:06,026 ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * GETTING SUICIDAL 534 00:57:06,026 --> 00:57:13,566 IT'S HONESTLY NOT FOR ME I'M GETTIN' ON MY NERVES BY GETTIN' ON MY KNEES * 535 00:57:13,566 --> 00:57:18,938 * GETTING CUCKED I DON'T NEED IT THE PLACE I WANT TO BE 536 00:57:18,938 --> 00:57:23,743 IS SOMEWHERE IN YOUR HEART * * SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED 'CAUSE BABY 537 00:57:23,743 --> 00:57:27,047 I'LL DO ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA * * I'LL TRY ANYTHING 538 00:57:27,047 --> 00:57:33,053 THAT YOU WANNA I'LL FIND MYSELF IN THE MOONLIGHT * 539 00:57:33,053 --> 00:57:35,655 * 'CAUSE BABY I WANT EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANNA 540 00:57:35,655 --> 00:57:38,925 AND I'VE TRIED TO * * JUST BE ME LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES 541 00:57:38,925 --> 00:57:48,068 BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT 542 00:57:48,068 --> 00:57:59,412 THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY MIND * 543 00:57:59,412 --> 00:58:05,285 * ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE OH I'VE TRIED TO FIND 544 00:58:05,285 --> 00:58:16,629 ANOTHER NAME * * A THOUSAND TIMES BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT RHYMES 545 00:58:16,629 --> 00:58:25,305 ALWAYS ON MY MIND IS OH CAROLINE * * JUST GIVE ME 546 00:58:25,305 --> 00:58:33,913 ONE MORE CHANCE TONIGHT I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY * 547 00:58:33,913 --> 00:58:40,353 * NO I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY 548 00:58:40,353 --> 00:58:52,198 OH CAROLINE * * GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND 549 00:58:52,198 --> 00:59:01,841 I WANNA GET IT RIGHT BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND * * OH CAROLINE 550 00:59:01,841 --> 00:59:07,180 I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS * 551 00:59:07,180 --> 00:59:13,653 * ON MY MIND ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE 552 00:59:13,653 --> 00:59:23,129 OH CAROLINE * SING IT, JAMIE. * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT 553 00:59:23,129 --> 00:59:35,575 THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * 554 00:59:35,575 --> 00:59:58,798 * ** ** 555 00:59:58,798 --> 01:00:03,703 ** ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 556 01:00:14,881 --> 01:00:22,322 SINCE BREAKING OFF FROM DONALDS DONALDS DOMINGUEZ TO FORM DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ, WE HAVE 557 01:00:22,322 --> 01:00:29,763 NOT LANDED A SINGLE NEW CLIENT. YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? IT'S BECAUSE DONALD DONALDS 558 01:00:29,763 --> 01:00:36,302 DOMINGUEZ HAD A PHONE NUMBER TO REMEMBER, AND EVERYONE IN TOWN KNOWS THEIR FAMOUS PHONE NUMBER 559 01:00:36,302 --> 01:00:38,038 JINGLE. THAT'S RIGHT. WE DON'T HAVE THAT. 560 01:00:38,038 --> 01:00:50,450 OUR NUMBER IS 1-672-555-0136. WHAT WE NEED IS TO TURN THAT NUMBER INTO A SUPPER CATCHY 561 01:00:50,450 --> 01:00:56,289 JINGLE. THERE'S NO WAY TO CREATE A CATCHY JINGLE WITH A NUMBER LIKE 562 01:00:56,289 --> 01:01:00,660 THAT. LAST TUESDAY, MITCHELL AND I WERE AT LUCCIANO'S. 563 01:01:00,660 --> 01:01:08,868 AND YES, I WAS DRINKING -- NO, I WAS GETTING TANKED. MITCHELL GOT TANKED AND 564 01:01:08,868 --> 01:01:15,975 LUCCIANO'S. BUT THEN THIS BAND GOT UP ON THE STAGE AND SANG THE MOST IF YOU 565 01:01:15,975 --> 01:01:19,179 THINK HOOKS I HAD EVER HEARD. COME ON IN, GUY. HEY, THERE. 566 01:01:19,179 --> 01:01:22,382 HELLO, LAWYERS. WE ARE SOUL BOOTH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS 567 01:01:22,382 --> 01:01:28,688 SOUL BOOTH, AND THEY'RE HERE TO SAVE US. WORKED OUT A FEW DEMOS FOR 568 01:01:28,688 --> 01:01:34,094 Y'ALL. WE HEARD YOU NEEDED A POP IF YOU THINK HOOK THAT WILL STICK 569 01:01:34,094 --> 01:01:38,264 ON THE MIND LIKE GRAPEVINES. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? 570 01:01:38,264 --> 01:01:49,309 OH, I DO. THEY AIN'T READY. HERE WE GO. 571 01:01:49,309 --> 01:02:13,133 * ONE -- SIX-SEVEN -- TWO * * THEN THREE STRAIGHT FIVES, THE NEXT NUMBER IS O! 572 01:02:13,133 --> 01:02:26,446 * ONE -- THREE -- AND SIX * * WHO YOU GONNA CALL, WHO YOU GONNA CALL, TELL THEM * 573 01:02:26,446 --> 01:02:33,286 * DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ * GUYS, I'M SORRY. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO 574 01:02:33,286 --> 01:02:36,756 WORK FOR US. WHY IS THAT? JUST DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WHAT 575 01:02:36,756 --> 01:02:42,862 WE HEARD AT LUCCIANO'S. OH, YOU WANT THAT LUCCIANO SOUND? 576 01:02:42,862 --> 01:02:49,336 YES. THIS TRACK SHOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M TANKED UP AT LOOCH, 577 01:02:49,336 --> 01:02:51,338 UNDERSTOOD? LOUD AND CLEAR. CRYSTAL. 578 01:02:51,338 --> 01:02:55,241 AND THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE CLOSER TOGETHER. YEAH. 579 01:02:55,241 --> 01:02:57,977 I THINK THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE MUCH CLOSER TOGETHER. UH-HUH. 580 01:02:57,977 --> 01:03:04,718 SO MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? THEY AIN'T READY. 581 01:03:04,718 --> 01:03:13,360 COME ON. HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO. 582 01:03:13,360 --> 01:03:15,061 * ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE 583 01:03:15,061 --> 01:03:22,602 HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * * DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ * 584 01:03:22,602 --> 01:03:28,641 GUYS, GUYS, COME ON, THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG. YOU CALL THAT A LOOCHED UP 585 01:03:28,641 --> 01:03:36,082 TRACK? I SHOULD FEEL FIVE DEEP POSTED UP AT LOOCH RIGHT ABOUT 586 01:03:36,082 --> 01:03:39,919 NOW. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT THAT. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT WRITING 587 01:03:39,919 --> 01:03:45,992 A JINGLE THAT FEELED LIKE I'M GETTING DAKED DOWN IN THE BACK OF LOOCH? 588 01:03:45,992 --> 01:03:59,205 THEY'RE ABOUT TO KOOT ME OFF, BUT THEN THAT BARTENDER IN THE BACK ACTING LIKE BIALIK. 589 01:03:59,205 --> 01:04:04,544 THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE PRESENTED LIKE A PHONE NUMBER. OR JUST ANYWHERE NEAR THAT 590 01:04:04,544 --> 01:04:10,083 WOULD BE GREAT. I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE JUST THE THING. 591 01:04:10,083 --> 01:04:14,120 ABSOLUTELY. LET'S TAKE A TRIP. I WANT TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE 592 01:04:14,120 --> 01:04:22,195 WHERE THERE IS NO RACE, NO RELIGION, A LITTLE PLACE WE CALL HOME. 593 01:04:22,195 --> 01:04:28,068 BUT YOU MAY KNOW AS LUCCIANO'S. HERE WE GO. * ONE THOUSAND-SIX 594 01:04:28,068 --> 01:04:30,070 HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE 595 01:04:30,070 --> 01:04:37,911 HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * ONE MORE TIME. THAT FEELS SO GOOD. 596 01:04:37,911 --> 01:04:39,646 * ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE 597 01:04:39,646 --> 01:04:48,488 HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK? 598 01:04:48,488 --> 01:04:58,264 MITCHELL, DID THEY DO IT? IS IT LUCHI? NOT ONLY CAN I NOW PERFECTLY 599 01:04:58,264 --> 01:05:05,071 RECALL THE PHONE NUMBER OF OUR LAW OFFICE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL ABSOLUTELY 600 01:05:05,071 --> 01:05:14,247 ASS-OUT DAKED DOWN AND LOOCHED UP. MY ONLY QUESTION IS -- HOW MUCH? 601 01:05:14,247 --> 01:05:18,351 $10,000. LESS. 40 EACH. 602 01:05:18,351 --> 01:05:28,061 DEAL. EVERYBODY! * 16,000-SEVEN-FIVE HUNDRED * 603 01:05:45,612 --> 01:05:58,358 I WANT TO THANK THE 1975. FRED ARMISON, THE WONDERFUL, SO, SO FUNNY CAST, JERRY, DONNA, 604 01:05:58,358 --> 01:06:04,330 KATIE, MY TEAM OF COURSE. THE CREW, I FEEL LIKE THIS HAS JUST BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL 605 01:06:04,330 --> 01:06:08,868 EXPERIENCE, AND I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. THANK YOU GUYS FOR WATCHING AND 606 01:06:08,868 --> 01:06:15,308 LETTING US BE RIDICULOUS AND LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME. 607 01:06:15,308 --> 01:06:21,781 LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]