HELLO, AND WELCOME BACK TO THE OSCARS RED CARPET PRESHOW.
I'M THE MAN INSIDE YOUR HOTEL TV WHO TELLS YOU WHAT THE MOVIES ARE, MARIO LOPEZ.
AND I'M EITHER MARIA MENOUNOS OR KIT HOOVER. THEY HAVEN'T TOLD ME YET.
AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO WATCH THE 95th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS SPONSORED BY OZEMPIC.
AND WE'RE SO EXCITED TO HAVE BEEN STANDING OUTSIDE THE DOGBY THEATER FOR ALMOST 153 HOURS.
WE HAVE NOT SLEPT OR USED THE BATHROOM. OUR ONLY FOOD IS A HANDFUL OF
SARDINES THEY THROW AT US. BUT IT'S ALL WORTH IT TO ASK ANGELA BASSETT IF SHE REALLY DID
THE THING. OOPS. WE ALMOST FORGOT, EVERY 30
SECONDS, WE HAVE TO DO A FEW AWKWARD PAN-DOWNS TO WOMEN'S FEET.
HERE WE GO. ** EVERYONE NEEDED TO SEE THAT.
NOW LAST YEAR'S OSCARS HAD THE SLAP, WHICH IS AWESOME -- I MEAN BAD, SO BAD.
WE HATED ALL THE ATTENTION. SO THIS YEAR, TO MAKE SURE NOTHING CRAZY HAPPENS, THE
ACADEMY HIRED A NEW HEAD OF SECURITY NOTORIOUSLY CALM AND SANE PERSON, MIKE TYSON.
THANK YOU. MY GOODNESS. OH, WOW.
THANK YOU. OH, MY GOODNESS. THAT'S SO NICE OF Y'ALL.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. I AM READY TO HANDLE THE PROCEEDINGS JUDICIOUSLY AND EXPO
DISHSLY. THE FOLLOWING THINGS WILL SET ME OFF.
CLAPPING, STATUES OF GOLD PEOPLE, AND SHOWS THAT LAST MORE THAN TWO HOURS, AND ALSO HEARING
THE PHRASE, THE MAGIC OF MOVIES. ARE THERE ANY NEW SECURITY MEASURES IN PLACE?
THANK YOU FOR THAT QUESTION. THIS YEAR, ALL THE NOMINEES HAVE BEEN GIVEN TASERS.
ALL THE SEAT FILLERS HAVE BEEN GIVEN GUNS, AND JIMMY KIMMEL HAS BEEN GIVEN A FLAME THROWER.
AND NOT THAT WE'RE HOPING FOR THIS, BUT ARE YOU WORRIED WILL SMITH IS PLANNING A SECOND
ATTACK? YES. WE ARE PLANNING THAT THREAT VERY
SERIOUSLY. LUCKILY, WE WERE ABLE TO SLIP ONE OF THOSE APPLE AIR TAGS INTO
WILL SMITH'S POCKET. SO WE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE HE WILL BE AT ALL TIMES UNLESS HE
CHANGES HIS PANTS. STAY FROSTY, EVERYBODY. UH-OH, I'M LEGIT SCARED.
AND NOW, OF COURSE, THE SHOW HAS FACED A LOT OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT A LACK OF DIVERSITY.
BUT REMEMBER, OSCAR TURNS 95 THIS YEAR. SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT HOW
RACIST AND SEXIST YOUR GRANDPA WAS AT 95, OSCAR'S LOOKING PRETTY DARN GOOD.
SPEAKING OF LOOKING GOOD, IT'S FIRST TIME NOMINEE FOR BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, JAMIE LEE
CURTIS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, HOW GREAT IS THIS?
I SOLD YOGURT THAT MADE YOU POOP, AND NOW I'M NOMINATED! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW, YOU HAVE BEEN REFRESHINGLY DOWN TO EARTH THIS WHOLE AWARDS SEASON.
WHO ARE YOU WEARING TONIGHT? KIRKLAND BY COSTCO. JAMIE, YOU'VE ALSO BEEN SO
VOCALLY SUPPORTIVE OF ALL YOUR FELLOW NOMINEES. WELL, BECAUSE THESE ACTRESSES
RULE! CATE BLANCHETT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
SHE IS SO -- AM I ALLOWED TO CURSE? NO.
SHE IS SO -- HOT. AND TAR, OH, MY GOD, TAR WAS ICONIC, VIVACIOUS, QUEER, VAGUE,
CONFUSING, LONG, PARTIALLY IN GERMAN, AND IT WAS HANDS DOWN THE FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR.
AND CAN I SAY ONE MORE THING IN. I THINK YOU'RE GONNA. WHAT ARIANA DeBOSE DID AT THE
BAFTAS WAS FUN. IT WAS BY FAR THE BEST RAP PERFORMANCE I'VE SEEN ALL YEAR.
IT WAS INCREDIBLE. WELL, GOOD LUCK, AND HAVE FUN TONIGHT.
OH, NO. I'M ON MY WAY HOME. IT'S WAY PAST MOMMY'S BEDTIME.
OH, I JUST LOVE HER. NOW, ONE GROUP THAT DOESN'T TRADITIONALLY WATCH THE OSCARS
ARE DEGENERATE GAMBLERS, AND THAT'S WHY THIS YEAR, WE'RE PARTNERING WITH DRAFTKINGS.
WHAT'S THE LATEST UPDATE, FELLAS? WELL, HERE ARE SOME OF THE
LATEST BETTING LINES. THREE TO ONE ODDS THAT A YOUNG ACTOR BRINGS OUT AN OLD ACTOR IN
A WHEELCHAIR AND REGRETS IT IMMEDIATELY. AND TEN TO ONE THAT SOMEONE
IN THE END MEMORIAM IS STILL ALIVE. WE'RE ALSO SEEING A LOT OF
MOVEMENT IN THE WHO'S GOING TO MAKE A SURPRISE APPEARANCE POLL. THAT'S RIGHT.
SOME OF THE FAVORITE LONG SHOT PICK SOS FAR ARE CHRIS ROCK, JARED FROM SUBWAY, ARMIE HAMMER,
THE JUDGES THAT OVERTURNED ROE V WADE, GEORGE SANTOS PRETENDING TO BE TOM CRUISE.
AND HARVEY WEINSTEIN INTRODUCES KANYE WEST.
A GIRL CAN DREAM. BUT HOLD THAT THOUGHT BECAUSE I'M TOLD WE HAVE THE STARS OF
THE BANSHEES COLIN FARRELL AND BRENDAN DEGREESON. HOW DO YOU GUYS LIKE YOUR
CHANCES TONIGHT? YOU KNOW, WORDS FOR TROOPS IN THE BAY.
[ SPEAKING NON-ENGLISH ] WOW. AND THEY HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED
DRINKING YET. AND THIS IS SO EXCITING. I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE MICHELLE
WILLIAMS. CLOSE. IT'S MICHELLE WILLIAMS' JEWISH
ACTING COACH FOR THE FABLEMANS. HELLO. IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE EVEN
THOUGH MY HAIR IS -- BUT, I'M HERE. SO WAS THE FABLEMAN'S YOUR
FIRST HOLLYWOOD PROJECT? OH, SWEETIE, NO. I WAS ALSO THAT JEWISH ACTING
COACH FOR MARVELOUS MISS MAISEL, AND WEIRDLY FOR AVATAR. I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PHOTO.
AND HOW DID YOU THINK THAT MICHELLE'S PERFORMANCE TURNED OUT?
OH, SHE WAS AMAZING. AND IF I CLOSE MY EYES AND EARS, I THINK SHE IS JEWISH.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO FIND MY ACTING COACH, CHUCK SCHUMER.
WOW, I LOVED GETTING THAT INCITE. AND FINALLY, THIS IS A
SURPRISE, BUT WE ARE JOINED BY THE ONE AND ONLY TOM CRUISE. HELLO.
HI. HI. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S TOM CRUISE HERE. WONDERFUL TO BE HERE. OH, MY GOD.
IT'S GEORGE SANTOS. NO, NO. I'M DEFINITELY THOMAS Q. CRUISE.
STAR OF THIS YEAR'S BLOCK BUSTER FILM "TOP GUN" 2, TOP BOTTOM. GEORGE, YOU'RE NOT FOOLING
ANYONE. YEAH. EXCEPT I DID, AND NOW I'M IN
CONGRESS. NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO BE EVERYONE EVERYWHERE ALL
AT ONCE. OKAY. HE'S A HOOT.
NOW, LET'S TAKE A QUICK BREAK, AND WHEN WE RETURN, WE'LL
BE TALKING WITH PINOCCHIO. I'M GOING TO SCARE SO MANY KIDS.
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH
FEATURING -- MUSICAL GUEST -- THE 1975.
AND YOUR HOST, JENNA ORTEGA.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU. THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. MY NAME IS JENNA ORTEGA. I'M 20 YEARS OLD, WHICH MAKES ME
THE YOUNGEST HOST THIS SEASON. I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN ACTING SINCE I WAS SEVEN WHEN MY MOM
PUT ME ON FACEBOOK. I WAS IN "WEDNESDAY ", "X" AND NOW "SCREAM 6."
A LOT OF PEOPLE ASSUME I AM DARK AND TWISTED BECAUSE OF THESE ROLES I PLAY.
I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL. I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT MY FACE WHEN PEOPLE SEE
IT, THEY'RE LIKE LET'S THROW BLOOD ON THAT. BUT I WASN'T ALWAYS IN HORROR
FILMS. MY FIRST ACTING ROLE WAS IN A COLGATE TOOTH PASTE COMMERCIAL
WHEN I WAS NINE. WANT TO CATCH THOSE LITTLE NASTIES, YOU KNOW THOSE LITTLE
GERMS THAT HIDE IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I AM STILL THAT EXACT SAME GIRL.
SAME ONE. IT'S JUST THAT SCARY MUSIC AND EDITING CAN MAKE ANYTHING SEEM
LIKE A HORROR FILM. WATCH. WANT TO HELP ME CATCH AN
INVISIBLE GERM? I'LL BE BACK TONIGHT, INVISIBLE NASTIES.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I LOVE HORROR MOVIES, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T GET SCARED
VERY EASILY. PART OF THE REASON I WANTED TO HOST SNL IS I WANTED TO FACE MY
BIGGEST PEER. HAPPY EXTROVERTED PEOPLE ALWAYS TRYING TO PERFORM.
EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN SO KIND, AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN A DREAM COME TRUE.
I'VE GOT A COUPLE OF FRIENDS TONIGHT, INCLUDING ONE OF MY COSTARS FROM "WEDNESDAY", FRED
ARMISON. DON'T LET ME DISTRACT YOU. I'M JUST HERE TO WATCH WITH
THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE BELOW ME. DID YOU WANT TO COME UP AND JOIN ME ON STAGE?
ME, GO UP THERE IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS? I COULD NEVER.
I'M SORRY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. FINE, I WILL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WOW. SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO
BE ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." YOU WERE ON THE SHOW FOR 11 SEASONS.
THAT'S SWEET. THANK YOU. SERIOUSLY, FRED, I AM SO
HONORED THAT YOU'RE HERE. YOU'RE THE REASON I STARTED WATCHING SNL ACTUALLY.
MY FAVORITE SKETCH OF ALL TIME IS THE CALIFORNIANS. THANKS, JENNA.
THAT'S SO NICE. YOU KNOW, THE ORIGINAL IDEA CAME TO ME BECAUSE I WAS GIVING
DIRECTIONS -- WE FIGURED IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
IT'S ALL GOOD. THANK YOU, FRED. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LIKE I SAID, THIS FEELS LIKE A DREAM. WHEN I WAS A KID, I WASN'T OLD
ENOUGH TO WATCH SNL YET, SO I TOOK A TOUR OF THE SNL STUDIO WITH MY PARENTS LIKE SIX YEARS
AGO, AND THEY SAID, MAN, WOULDN'T IT BE AMAZING IF YOU HOSTED SOME DAY, AND IT SEEMED
IMPOSSIBLE THEN, BUT NOW I'M HERE TONIGHT, AND MY PARENTS ARE IN THE AUDIENCE, AND THEY GET TO
HEAR ME SAY WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
WE|LL BE BACK
WELCOME EVERYBODY TO SCHOOL VERSUS SCHOOL WHERE TEACHERS
TEAM UP WITH THEIR STAR STUDENTS TO WIN BIG BUCKS. I'M YOUR HOST JAY McCORMICK.
I WAS THE KEY WITNESS IN A HARASSMENT TRIAL OF THIS SHOW'S COVID REPRESENTATIVE WHO SWABBED
MY ANUS IN LIEU OF MY NOSE EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, BUT THAT'S ALL IN THE PAST NOW, SO LET'S
MEET OUR TEAMS. FROM WEST GROVE HIGH IN NEW JERSEY, TEACHER SHEILA CASHMAN
AND HER STUDENTS GABE AND MANNY. I'M TOLD YOUR SCHOOL HAS ONE OF THE BEST SCIENCE DEPARTMENTS IN
THE COUNTRY. YES, AND YOU CAN SAY IT'S A PLUS.
YEAH, THAT'S CUTE. NOW LET'S MEET THEIR OPPONENTS FROM PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY
FOR EXTRAORDINARY CHILDREN, PROFESSOR CHANDLISS ZANDER AND HIS STUDENTS ZENA AND KNOCKOUT.
IT SAYS HERE THAT YOUR SCHOOL IS A 100 ROOM VICTORIAN MANSION LOCATED WITHIN A 10,000 ACRE
PRIVATE FOREST. THAT IS CORRECT. WE NEED AMPLE SPACE IN WHICH TO
TRAIN OUR STUDENTS TO HARNESS THEIR INCREDIBLE GIFTS. IF MY GIFTS ARE SO
INCREDIBLE, THEN WHY WON'T YOU LET ME USE THEM? BECAUSE YOU CANNOT YET
CONTROL THEM, CHILD! OKEYDOKEY. LET'S JUST GET TO THE GAME.
ARE WE FEELING CONFIDENT TEAM SNS. HECK YEAH.
PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ACADEMY, YOU'RE GOING DOWN. WE COULD ENSLAVE YOU!
NO! WELL, THAT'S FUN. ALL RIGHT.
FIRST QUESTION GETS CONTROL OF THE BOARD. NAME FOR A RANDOM MODIFICATION
OF DNA FROM PARENT TO OFFSPRING. ZENA. MUTATION.
CORRECT. OH, YES, MUTATION IS A TOPIC IN WHICH WE ARE WELL-VERSED.
IT'S WHY THEY HATE US. ZENA. THEY THINK WE'RE FREAKS!
ENOUGH, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WELL, ZENA, YOU HAVE A CHANCE
FOR EXTRA CREDIT. THE SUBJECT IS ENGLISH LIT. HOW'S YOUR SCHOOL'S ENGLISH
DEPARTMENT? OUR CURRICULUM FOCUSES MORE ON HARNESSING OUR STUDENTS'
ABILITIES. YOU ALWAYS DOUBT ME. ASK YOUR QUESTION.
OKAY THEN. TO BE OR NOT TO BE IS SPOKEN BY WHICH SHAKESPEARIAN PROTAGONIST?
TOBY. WRONG. I FAILED!
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE ALL THINKING? THE FREAK FAILED?
NO, I PROMISE YOU, SWEETIE. NO ONE IS THINKING THAT. OH, YOU LIE, YOU PATHETIC
HUMAN! ZENA, NO, YOU COULD KILL HER! HEY, ALL RIGHT.
HEY! NOW, I JUST GOT BLASTED AND HIT IN THE FACE WITH WHAT I CAN ONLY
DESCRIBE AS ELECTRIC WIND. BUT SINCE NO POINTS WERE AWARDED, CONTROL NOW GOES OVER
TO WEST GROVE HIGH WHO ARE YET TO GET ON THE BOARD. ALL RIGHT, WEST GROVE, HERE'S
YOUR QUESTION. NAME THE TRIANGLE WHICH HAS THREE SIDES EQUAL OF LENGTH.
I THINK THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH OUR TEACHER. OKAY.
NO POINTS THERE. CONTROL BACK TO PROFESSOR ZANDER'S SCHOOL I GUESS.
LET ME INTO YOUR MIND. I CAN FIGURE IT OUT ON MY OWN!
I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU, ZENA! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! STOP FIGHTING!
GET ON OUT OF HERE. WE WERE LOOKING FOR EQUAL LATERAL TRIANGLE.
I SHOULDN'T BE HERE! I SHOULD BE ON THE TEAM USING MY POWERS.
YOU ARE NOT READY, CHILD! ALL RIGHT. WE JUST GOING TO TAKE A BREAK,
LET THINGS CALM DOWN AND SEE IF WE CAN GET THAT LADY'S BRAIN BACK ONLINE.
THIS IS JAY McCORMICK REMINDING YOU THAT COVID SWABS GO IN THE NOSE AND NOT THE KEISTER.
FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. FOOL ME EVERY DAY FOR FIVE MONTHS, SHAME ON ME.
KEEP IT RIGHT HERE.
JOBS, AND DON'T GET ME WRONG. I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. I'M STARTING TO FEEL A LITTLE
BURNT OUT. THAT SUCKS. MARK, ARE YOU READY WITH THE
PLAY LIST? AND I GOT THE SLURPIES! DUDE, NICE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WE'RE GOING ON A BEAUTIFUL CROSS-COUNTRY AMERICAN ROAD
TRIP. JUST US AND THE OPEN ROAD. GOING TO BE AWESOME.
WAIT, CAN I COME? ** * HIT THE OPEN ROAD AND CATCH A
RIDE, ARMS GETTING TAN ON THE SUNNY SIDE * * I'M ON THE WHEEL, I'M ON NAV,
I'M ON SNACKS * * AND JENNA'S JOB IS TO JUST RELAX ON A ROAD TRIP, A GREAT
AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, GOING ON A ROAD TRIP, HEY, OH *
* ROLL DOWN THE WINDOWS TO CLEAR YOUR -- WE MISSED THE EXIT.
RECALCULATE YOUR ROUTE. JUST LOOK OUT FOR THE NEXT ONE.
NEED A LITTLE HEADS UP. OKAY. IT'S JUST A LITTLE HARD DOING
MUSIC AND NAV. PRICE OF BEING SHOTGUN. YEAH.
NO, IT'S FINE. LET'S TRY TO FOCUS ON NAV, ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. I'LL FOCUS ON THE NAV. YEAH, THANKS.
YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE OF ME * NOD TO CONVERTIBLES WHEN THEY PASS, MOON A TRUCK OR PUT YOUR
CHEEKS ON THE GLASS * * SEE A SIGN THAT SAYS WE'RE GOING TO HELL ON THE ROAD TRIP,
A GREAT AMERICAN ROAD TRIP * I'M SORRY. CAN WE COOL IT WITH THE SLURPY
FOR A SECOND? IT'S JUST RIGHT IN MY EAR. SORRY.
IT'S OKAY. I'M HAPPY TO BUY EVERYONE A SLURPY, BUT YOU'RE SUCKING ON
THE -- THERE'S NONE LEFT. CAN YOU SCOOT OVER, YOUR LEG HAIRS ARE SCRATCHING ME.
FINE, I'LL MOVE MY LEG. DID YOU JUST VENMO REQUEST ME FOR THE SLURPY?
I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY, SO. * WE'RE GOING ON A ROAD TRIP -- RECALCULATING ROUTE.
DID WE MISS THE GOD DAMN COMMIT AGAIN? WHO COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE
TEXTING THAT'S NOT IN THIS CAR. IT WAS MY MOM, MAN. MY DAD HAD A STROKE.
SORRY I'M NOT FOCUSSING ON THE NAV! I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.
HE DID NOT HAVE A STROKE. LIAR! COME ON, MAN.
EVERYBODY, WE'RE HAVING QUIET TIME. READ A BOOK OR SOMETHING.
* FINALLY TIME TO CHILL, I CAN DO WHAT I WANNA, DIVE INTO THE THE NEW MICHELLE OBAMA.
I'M GOING TO PUKE! PULL OVER RIGHT NOW! 0.3 MILES!
MARK, THAT MEANS NOTHING TO ME. YOU TOLD ME TO FOCUS ON THE
NAV. WE'RE GOING HOME! .
* LATE AT NIGHT AND I FEEL SO FREE, EVERYONE ASLEEP EXCEPT FOR ME, *
* BIG BRIGHT MOON HANGING IN THE SKY, NAV IN MY LAP -- WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
NOTHING. GO BACK TO SLEEP EVERYONE. THANKS.
WILL YOU TURN THE AC ON? YEAH. YOU HOT OR COLD?
BOTH. I SAW WHAT YOU DID. * ON A ROAD TRIP *
WE'RE SO EXCITED TO BE DOING THIS REMAKE OF "THE PARENT TRAP."
WE FOUND SOME PLACES TO UPDATE THE ORIGINAL, BUT THE SCENE IN THE CABIN WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE
REALIZE THEY'RE TWINS IS SUCH A CLASSIC. WE WANTED TO LEAVE IT THE WAY IT
WAS. THIS IS SO SPECIAL. I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE.
OBVIOUSLY SINCE YOU'RE PRAYING BOTH TWINS, TODAY YOU'LL BE HALLIE IN THE SCENES, AND
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE ONE OF OUR GUYS RAYMOND READ WITH YOU, OKAY?
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN JUST CALL ME RAY. THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN.
I THINK I GET THE GIST. OKAY. LET'S START WITH THE SEQUENCE
WHERE HALLIE AND ANNIE ARE HAVING A LITTLE DISAGREEMENT OVER WHETHER IT'S BEDTIME OR
NOT. YOU CAN HEAD TO YOUR COTS AND WE'LL GET STARTED ALL RIGHT?
GREAT AND ACTION. OFF. ON.
TURN THEM OFF!
YOU ARE SO ANNOYING. I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU'RE A REAL BITCH!
OKAY. CUT. UMM, SIR, I DON'T THINK THE
SCRIPT SAID BITCH. YEAH, YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT. I DID A LITTLE OFF THE CUFF
THING LIKE THEY DO ON "CURB." YOU GUYS WATCH THAT? MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS TO
READ THE LINES LIKE THE ONES THAT ARE IN THE SCRIPT. WE'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM
IN THE MOVIE, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. SHOULD I GO TO THE TOILET AT
SOME POINT AND SHE GETS MAD. THAT COULD BE FUN LIKE HER TWIN IS ALWAYS ON THE TOILET.
ARE YOU ASKING THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM NOW?
WELL, I THINK MY CHARACTER MIGHT, BUT YOU'RE THE DIRECTOR. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT
DAY. IT STORMED OUTSIDE, SO YOUR BELONGINGS GOT WET, AND NOW
YOU'RE TALKING BY THE WINDOW GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. AND ACTION.
OH, NO. ARE ANY OF YOUR PICTURES RUINED?
ONLY THE BAUFL SHAWN MENDEZ. WOW, HE IS HOT. YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE?
LISA RENA. I WOULD LET HER WRECK ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO HERE.
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE OREO SCENE. YOU'RE BONDING, REALIZE YOU HAVE
A LOT IN COMMON, AND GO. WANT TO EAT SOME OREOS? MAY SOUND WEIRD, BUT I EAT THEM
WITH PEANUT BUTTER. WELL, F ME. SO DO I!
WOW, NO WAY. I WONDER WHAT ELSE WE HAVE IN COMMON.
YOU LIKE SCHLITZ BEER? WHAT? NO.
ANYWAY, HOW OLD ARE YOU? 56. OH, FOR THIS, 11.
MY BIRTHDAY'S IN OCTOBER. ME TOO. THIS IS TRIPPING ME OUT.
LET'S SEE IF WE HAVE A PICTURE OF OUR PARENTS THAT WAS RIPPED IN HALF TO SEE IF WE'RE TWIN
SFWLS NOT THERE YET. JUST JUMP AHEAD TO WHERE HALLIE'S PACING, PUTTING IT ALL
TOGETHER. THINK ABOUT IT. I ONLY HAVE A FATHER, AND YOU
ONLY HAVE A MOTHER. OH, YEAH? YOU'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR DAD,
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN MY MOM. SO YOU THINK WE'RE TWINS OR NOT YET?
YOU HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF YOUR MOM, AND I HAVE ONE OLD PICTURE OF MY DAD.
YEAH, LIKE IN THAT LINDSEY LOHAN MOVIE ABOUT THE TWIN. AT LEAST YOURS IS A WHOLE
PICTURE. A WHOLE PICTURE? YOU'RE 11.
DON'T LOOK AT THOSE. MY PICTURE IS PATHETIC AND RIPPED DOWN THE MIDDLE.
NOW BOTH RUN AND GET YOUR HALVES OF THE PICTURE. HERE IT IS.
THE PICTURE OF MY DAD. OKAY. I GOT MINE.
ON THE COUNT OF THREE, WE'LL SHOW THEM TO EACH OTHER, OKAY? OKAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE. WHOA. LESLIE MAN AND ED HELMS.
IS THIS FOR STREAMING. SO IF YOUR MOM IS MY MOM AND MY DAD IS YOUR BAD AND WE'RE
BOTH BORN ON OCTOBER 11th, THEN YOU AND I ARE LIKE SISTERS. SISTERS?
HALLIE, WE'RE FREAKING TWINS. ANNIE. OH, MY GOD, WOW, I'M LIKE
CRYING NOW. THIS IS AMAZING. SO THEY JUST SPLIT US UP?
WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT TO US? WE'VE GOT TO KILL THEM. THERE'S TWO OF US.
IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE CAN KILL THEM. I'M KIDDING.
I LOVE YOU. AND CUT. WOW, THAT WAS IT.
THANK YOU BOTH FOR THOSE PERFORMANCES. I'M BLOWN AWAY.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A HIT, AND I'LL SEE YOU BOTH AT THE PREMIER.
Announcer: YOU'RE WATCHING MTV. AT NINE, IT'S THREE STRAIGHT
DAYS OF "RIDICULOUSNESS." BUT FIRST, AN ALL NEW "RIDICULOUSNESS."
WHAT IS UP, WHAT IS UP? WELCOME TO "RIDICULOUSNESS." I'M ROB DYRDEK, AND YOU WOULDN'T
KNOW IT FROM MY CLOTHES, BUT I'M ALMOST 50, Y'ALL. JOINING ME AS ALWAYS, STEELO
BRIM AND CHANEL WEST COAST. WHAT UP, ROB? I'M ALREADY LAUGHING.
AND TODAY'S SPECIAL GUEST, YOU KNOW HER FROM TIKTOK, IT'S LEE LEE TWO TIMES.
YO, WHAT UP, WHAT UP? YO, CONGRATS ON ALL YOUR SUCCESS AND FOR LOOKING FINE AS
HELL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
YEAH. JUST TURNED 17 LAST WEEK! 17!
OOPSY! I MEANT FINE AS HELL AS A FRIEND.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S WATCH SOME VIDS, KIDS. THIS IS FALLING OFF.
FIRST, PEEP THESE FOOLS PARTYING ON A BOAT UP IN HERE. OH, OOPSY.
WHITE GIRL OVERBOARD. THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HURT, YO. SEE THAT'S WHY MY ASS DON'T
MESS WITH BOATS. YEAH, I FEEL YOU. I WAS ON THIS FAMILY VACAY ONE
TIME. MY COUSIN HAILEY WAS DOING THAT WHITE GIRL SELFIE POSE AND WE
HIT A WAVE, AND BAM! SHE FELL RIGHT OFF THAT BOAT AND FELL UNDER, BUT THE PROPELLER
HIT HER AND HER HEAD FELL OFF. OH, MY GOD. THAT IS HORRIFIC.
AND THE WORST PART WAS BECAUSE LIKE ALL THE BLOOD, A HUNTING FINDING NEMO FISH CAME
AROUND AND STARTED EATING AT HER HEAD. I'M SO SORRY, GIRL.
YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO. LET'S PEEP ANOTHER VID. LET TRY TO KEEP OUR ANECDOTES
MORE FUN, LESS TRAGIC AND UPSETTING. CHECK THIS OUT.
YO, THIS CAT, DUDE, WHAT, UH-OH, CUP HEAD. UH-OH, YO THAT CAT WAS TRIPPING.
CHANEL LIKED THAT ONE RIGHT THERE. YO, I CAN'T, I CAN'T, YO.
YO, CATS ARE A TRIP. YEAH, MAN, THEY CRAZY. LIKE GROWING UP, OUR CAT
SADIE WAS ALWAYS GETTING PREGNANT. SO SADIE A HO.
FOR REAL. SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH ONE TIME AND SIX KITTENS COMING OUT.
ALL OF THEM LOOKING DIFFERENT THAN THEY DADDY. SADIE, WHO YOU SMASHING?
THEY CAME OUT FUSED INTO ONE BIG FURRY BALL OF CAT PARTS. EARS, TAILS, ALL STICKING OUT.
IT WAS NOT FIRE. HA-HA-HA. CHANEL, YOU GOT A CAT.
YOU GOT ANY FUNNY CAT STORIES, GIRL? WAS THE CAT ALIVE?
YEAH. YEAH. BUT LIKE IT DIDN'T HAVE A MOUTH,
SO IT WAS SCREAMING FROM THE INSIDE LIKE MM! YEAH.
YEAH. YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP MAKING
THAT NOISE, LEE LEE, WE GOT IT. ALL RIGHT. WE GOING TO PLAY WHAT'S GOING TO
GO DOWN. HERE'S THE FIRST FRAME OF OUR NEXT VID.
UH-OH, WE GOT A DUDE IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AT THE TOP OF SOME STAIRS.
STEELO, WHAT'S GOING TO GO DOWN? I THINK THAT DUDE'S FLYING OUT OF THAT THING ON THE FIRST
STAIR, MAN. WHAT YOU THINK, CHANEL? SAME.
SO HOW LONG DID THAT CAT HAVE TO LIVE? YO, NO MORE CAT BALL.
OKAY? THE CAT BALL'S WEIRD AND SAT. IT'S NOT THE VIBE OF THE SHOW,
OKAY? YEAH, I GOT TO AGREE ON THAT, MAN.
LET KILL THE CAT BALL. ACTUALLY, THE MOM CAT KILLED THE CAT BALL.
YO, NO MORE CAT BALL, YO. THAT CAT BALL IS DONE. PLEASE.
OKAY, LEE LEE, WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO GO DOWN IN THIS VID? I THINK THIS WHITE BOY GOING
TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS AND JUMP OUT AND START WILDING.
THEN HE'S GOING TO FALL ON HIS ASS? NO.
HE'S GOING TO GET A TEXT THAT SAYS HIS PARENTS WERE MURDERED. NOPE, NOT THAT.
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, RESET THE VIBE, AND WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
"RIDICULOUSNESS." I GOT A PICTURE OF THE CAT BALL IF ANYBODY WANTS TO SEE.
I MEAN, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU GUYS LATER, ALL RIGHT? HEY, CASEY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I KNOW YOU AND THE GUYS USUALLY HANG OUT AT WAFFLE HOUSE
AFTER YOUR GAMES, SO I FIGURED YOU WOULD BE HERE. I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO TELL
YOU. WHAT'S UP? I'M NOT GOING TO STATE NEXT
YEAR. HEY! THESE WAFFLES ARE TOO SMALL!
WE HAD A PLAN. WE WERE BOTH GOING GO TO STATE THEN MOVE BACK TO TOWN AFTER AND
GET MARRIED. THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED. NO.
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED, ZACK. ALL RIGHT? I WANT MORE.
MORE THAN STATE, MORE THAN THIS TOWN. MORE THAN ME.
YEAH. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
NOTHING. I APPLIED TO THIS MUSIC PROGRAM IN NEW YORK CITY.
I GOT IN. OH, MY GOD. WHOSE DOG IS THIS?
THAT'S MY DOG. AREN'T YOU GOING SAY ANYTHING?
GET THIS DOG OUT OF HERE! I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY, CASEY?
CONGRATS? I'M LOSING THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I'M JUST THE LOVE OF YOUR
LIFE SO FAR. YOU'LL FIND OTHER GIRLS. THEY WON'T BE YOU.
I JUST -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S OVER. WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER SINCE 8th
GRADE. I KNOW. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM WITHOUT YOU. OH, EXCUSE ME!
I OWE IT TO MYSELF TO FIND THAT OUT. TRUST ME.
THIS WASN'T AN EASY DECISION. YOU'RE MAKING A MISTAKE, CASEY.
WE GOT A 724 IN PROGRESS. MAYBE I AM MAKING A MISTAKE, BUT ISN'T THAT WHAT GROWING UP
IS? IT'S ABOUT TAKING THE BIG CHANCES, MAKING THE BIG
MISTAKES. YOU KNOW, THAT'S HOW WE BECOME WHO WE'RE MEANT TO BE.
DO IT! I'LL DO IT. DO IT!
IF YOU SAY SO. YOU KNOW WHERE I'M PUTTING THESE?
RIGHT DOWN MY PANTS, BABY. THAT'S WHERE I LIKE IT. I KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT
DECISION. WHO KNOWS, YOU KNOW, MAYBE A FEW YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL FIND EACH
OTHER AGAIN. IF IT'S MEANT TO BE, IT'LL BE. YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY FIRST LOVE.
NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT. I GUESS. COME HERE.
BIG MISTAKE. THANK YOU. FOR WHAT?
EVERYTHING. I GUESS THANK YOU TOO. DO YOU NEED A RIDE HOME?
NO. MY DAD DROVE ME. YOU READY TO GO, BABY GIRL?
YEAH, DAD. FREE BIRD GOT TO FLY, SON. **
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 1975. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
** * HEARTBEAT IS COMIN' * * IN SO STRONG
OH IF YOU DON'T STOP I'M GONNA NEED *
* A SECOND ONE OH THERE'S SOMETHIN' I'VE BEEN MEANING TO
SAY TO YOU BABY * * HOLD THAT THOUGHT YEAH THERE'S SOMETHIN'
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO SAY TO YOU BABY * * BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT
WHAT A CALL MOVING IN I FEEL LIKE I CAN LOOSEN MY LIPS *
* COME ON SO STRONG I CAN SUMMARIZE IT FOR YOU AH
IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I SHE'S GOT A BROADSHEET SHE'S READING
DOWN THE LIST * * OF THE GOING WRONGS OH YEAH YEAH YEAH
I'M GETTIN' NO SLEEP BECAUSE I'M * * TOSSIN' AND TURNIN'
ALL NIGHT LONG YEAH OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE *
* BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO TAKE THE CONVERSATION
HOLD THAT THOUGHT * * OH THERE'S SOMEWHERE I'VE SOMEWHERE I'VE
BEEN MEANING TO MEANING TO * * TAKE THE CONVERSATION
BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT YOU SHOW ME YOUR YOU SHOW ME YOUR *
* BLACK GIRL THING BLACK GIRL THING PRETENDING THAT I KNOW
WHAT IT IS * * I WASN'T LISTENING I APOLOGIZE
AND YOU MEET MY EYES YEAH IT'S SIMPLE * * AND IT GOES LIKE THIS
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I
IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I-I AND YEAH I GOT IT I FOUND IT
I'VE JUST GOTTA KEEP IT * * DON'T HEY YOU MUPPET IT'S NOT THAT DEEP
BUT I'VE BEEN COUNTING MY BLESSINGS * * THINKING THIS THROUGH
IT'S LIKE ONE TWO YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I *
* I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU
I-I-I-I * * I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I
YEAH I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU *
* I-I-I-I I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU I-I-I-I
I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU * * I-I-I-I **
** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. THIS WEEKEND, BITTER RIVALS WHO
HAVE BEEN DESPERATELY PANNING FOR VOTES AND TRYING TO FORCE THEIR POLITICS ON AMERICA WILL
FINALLY FACE OFF IN PERSON. I'M OF COURSE TALKING ABOUT TOMORROW'S OSCARS.
THEY REAPOLOGETICED A REQUEST FROM UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY TO MAKE AN
APPEARANCE DURING THE OSCARS, BUT THEY PROMISE VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY WILL BE HOW JOHN
TRAVOLTA ANNOUNCES VIOLA DAVIS. ORGANIZERS SAID THEY CHANGED THE COLOR OF THE ARRIVAL CARPET FROM
RED TO CHAMPAGNE SO THE MOOD WOULD BE MORE MELLOW. I DON'T KNOW.
SWITCHING FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE USUALLY TURNS ME INTO A FULL ON BITCH.
PRESIDENT BIDEN PROPOSED HIS BUDGET THAT WOULD HELP FUND MEDICARE WITH A 25% TAX ON
MILLIONAIRES. HA, TAKE THAT, RIHANNA. PRESIDENT BIDEN'S PROPOSED
BUDGET INCLUDED $400 MILLION TO TARGET THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE OF CHINESE DISINFORMATION, FORTUNE
COOKIES. TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE LAUGHING AT A DOG LOCKED IN A
HOT CAR RELEASED SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6 ATTACKS WITH THE VIOLENCE EDITED
OUT AND SAID IT PROVES IT WAS A PEACEFUL GATHERING. WHICH IS LIKE EDITING ALL THE
SEX OUT OF A PORN VIDEO AND SAYING IT'S A SHORT FILM ABOUT BEING A STEP MOM.
NEW DOCUMENTS FROM THE DOMINION LAWSUIT REVEALED TEXTS FROM TUCKER CARLSON IN WHICH HE
SAYS HE HATES DONALD TRUMP PASSIONATELY AND CAN'T WAIT UNTIL HE'S ABLE TO IGNORE HIM.
THAT MUST SUCK TO GO ON TV AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOME PSYCHOTIC BIG GOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S GOOD
FOR THE SHOW. ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU, COLIN. I DON'T GET IT.
RUE PAUL HARSHLY CRITICIZED LAWMAKERS WHO BANNED DRAG SHOWS, AND LET ME JUST SAY, I GOT TO
SERVE REALNESS ON THIS ONE. THESE DUSTY BREEDERS ARE RESTING ON UGLY, AND I AM GAGGING ON IT.
I'M SORRY, GUYS, BEFORE THE SHOW, I SWITCHED FROM RED TO CHAMPAGNE.
OH, BOY. PRESIDENT BIDEN SAID THAT HE SUPPORTS A BILL THAT WOULD ALLOW
THE GOVERNMENT TO BAN TIKTOK. BUT ONLY BECAUSE BIDEN THINKS TIKTOK IS A GANG MEMBER FROM HIS
OLD NEIGHBORHOOD. AFTER WALGREENS ANNOUNCED THEY WILL STOP SELLING ABORTION
PILLS IN 21 STATES, CVS HAS REMAINED SILENT. WHILE OVER AT RITE AID, YOU CAN
JUST GRAB A PILL FROM THE TAKE ABORTION LEAVE ABORTION TRAY. IT WAS REPORTED THAT THE
ORGANIZERS OF KING CHARLES' CORONATION HAVE OFFICIALLY INVITED MEGHAN MARKLE -- AND
THIS IS NICE -- AT A STARTING SALARY OF $19 AN HOUR. THAT SEEMS VERY GENEROUS, GUYS.
THIS WEEK, TENNESSEE LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR RANDY McNALLY WAS CAUGHT USING HIS
VERIFIED INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT TO ENGAGE WITH PROVOCATIVE PHOTOS OF A GAY YOUNG MAN.
HERE TO COMMENT THE GOVERNOR McNALLY. SORRY I'M LATE.
I SPENT ALL DAY PRINTING OUT MAP QUEST DIRECTIONS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT
I'M NOT GOOD AT THE INTERNET. YOU'RE A MARRIED MAN WHO SUPPORTS TENNESSEE'S ANTI-DRAG
LAWS. CAN YOU KU EXPLAIN WHY YOU COMMENTED ON A THIRST TRAP, YOU
CAN TURN A RAINY DAY INTO RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE? I DIDN'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD FIND
OUT BECAUSE I USED A SCREEN NAME. WHAT IS THE SCREEN NAME?
LIEUTENANT GOVERNOR McNALLY. YOU SEE HOW THIS COULD BE A PROBLEM.
ALSO I WANT TO POINT OUT YOU COMMENTED THREE HEARTS AND THREE FIRE EMOJIS ON THIS NAKED PHOTO
OF THE SAME YOUNG GAY MAN. WELL, COLIN, I DON'T DISCRIMINATE.
I COMMENT ON PHOTOS OF ALL ORIENTATIONS. ORIENTATIONS LIKE FROM THE SIDE,
FROM THE FRONT, FROM THE BACK. THERE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A BUTT, BUT IT HELPS.
WHATEVER THE PHOTO, IT'S MY JOB TO ENCOURAGE MY CONSTITUENTS. I THINK IT'S JUST SOME
CONFUSION ABOUT YOUR BELIEFS. COLIN, I STAND BY MY TRADITIONAL VALUES.
I BELIEVE A WOMAN SHOULD BE IN THE HOME, AND A MAN SHOULD BE 143 POUNDS AND DANCING TO DUA
LIPA. OKAY. YOU -- OKAY.
YES. YOU'RE VERY CUTE, BUT YOU ARE -- YOU ARE CLAIMING THESE
INTERACTIONS ARE INNOCENT, BUT IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR THE
LITTLE GUY, JOE AVERAGE, EVERY TOM, DICK, AND HAIRLESS. I THINK SO THE PEOPLE OF
TENNESSEE FEEL MISLED. IT'S NO BIG DEAL. I'M JUST LOOKING.
LOOKING AT PICTURES ON ZILLOW DOESN'T MAKE ME A HOMEOWNER, ALTHOUGH I HAVE DONE A FEW 3D
TOURS. RANDY. RANDY BY NAME, RANDY BY
NATURE. WHY ARE YOU INTERACTING WITH THESE YOUNG MEN?
BECAUSE I'M TALKING TO VOTERS OR PEOPLE WHO COULD VOTE IN THE FUTURE.
I'M A PROUD CONSERVATIVE. I RESPECT POLICE OFFICERS, FIRE FIGHTERS, ANY MAN WHO PUTS HIS
BODY ONLINE FOR OTHERS. DO YOU MEAN ON THE LINE FOR OTHERS?
WHAT DID I SAY? BY THE WAY, ANY CHANCE YOU CAN PRINT ME OUT ANOTHER MAP QUEST?
I'M TRYING TO GET TO FLAMING SADDLES. RAN DID I, FOLKS ARE CALLING
YOU A HYPOCRITE FOR ENFORCING ANTILBGTQ LAWS WHILE SEEMING TO ENJOY QUEER CONTENT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? I'M A HYPOCRITE? THAT I WAS FLIRTING WITH A
20-YEAR-OLD DANCING AROUND IN HIS FINE WASHABLES? THAT I MADE IT LEGAL TO HAVE
GUNS IN LIBRARIES BUT NOT DRAG QUEENS? THAT I PUBLICLY HATE THINGS THAT
I SECRETLY LIKE? BOTH REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS ARE TELLING ME TO GET OFF
INSTAGRAM, AND GUESS THAT, I WILL BECAUSE I FORGOT MY PASSWORD.
RANDY McNALLY, EVER ANY TIME.
A DEEP SEA DIVER HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS TO SET A NEW WORLD RECORD BY LIVING UNDER
WATER FOR 100 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE THE RECORD IS LONGER THAN THAT, SAID THE PEOPLE OF
NEW ORLEANS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGHT THAT WOULD MAKE YOU LAUGH.
A MAN IN FLORIDA SAID HE WAS SURPRISED WHEN HE HEARD A KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND IT TURNED OUT TO
BE AN ALLIGATOR. EVEN MORE SURPRISING, IT WAS DOING THE THING FROM "LOVE
ACTUALLY". OFFICIALS IN BERLIN ANNOUNCED THAT WOMEN WILL NOW BE
ALLOWED TO GO TOPLESS AT THE CITY'S POOLS, BUT OFFICIALS ALSO SAID TO BE AWARE IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE THE ONES YOU WANT. ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, BY 2035, MORE THAN HALF OF THE
WORLD'S POPULATION WILL BE JUST HOW I LIKE THEM. A PHOTO HAS GONE VIRAL OF A
98-YEAR-OLD WOMAN IN KENTUCKY MEETING HER FIRST GREAT GREAT GREAT GRAND CHILD.
WOW, I WISH I HAD GOTTEN TO MEET MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER SO I COULD HAVE TOLD HER, DON'T
GET ON THAT BOAT! I EVEN TRIED ACTING DURING THAT ONE, MAN.
THERE IS A TREND ON TIKTOK OF PEOPLE EATING ORANGES IN SHOWERS CLAIMING THAT IT REDUCES
STRESS AND ANXIETY. BUT IF YOU'RE COMFORTABLE FILMING YOURSELF EATING IN THE
SHOWER, I WOULD ARGUE YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH ANXIETY. A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT LONG
DISTANCE RUNNING DOES NOT CAUSE WEAR AND TEAR ON MARATHONERS' KNEES, BUT IT DOES SAND THEIR
NIPPLES CLEAN OFF. WEDNESDAY WAS INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY -- I SAID WAS.
NEXT JOKE. A NEW STUDY FINDS -- [ LAUGHTER ]
A NEW STUDY FINDS SOME NEW YORK CITY RATS CARRY THE VIRUS THAT CAUSES COVID, WHICH IS WHY I
ALWAYS ORDER MINE WELL DONE. WELL, GUYS, WE -- WE ONLY HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE LEFT OF THE
END OF UPDATE. HERE TO FILL IT WITH SOME RANDOM IMPRESSIONS IS JAMES AUSTIN
JOHNSON. WOW. ALL RIGHT.
JAMES, WHAT IS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION? THIS IS ADAM DRIVER AS KYLA
FROM STAR WARS ON THE SHOW GIRLS. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS
TO BE ON THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE? NO, YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU'RE A
CHILD! OKAY. GREAT, GREAT.
ALL RIGHT. WAIT. ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? BATMAN AND HE'S READING WHERE'S WALDO.
BATMAN READING WHERE'S WALDO. WHERE IS HE? OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY. WELL, THAT'S GREAT.
I THINK WE'RE ALREADY RUNNING OUT OF TIME. OKAY.
THIS NEXT IMPRESSION WOULD MAKE A GREAT SKETCH ON THE SHOW. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT.
SURE. THIS IS JAY-Z AND HE'S DOWNSTAIRS.
OKAY. BUSEY, BUSEY, BEYONCE. HOLD ON.
HOW WOULD YOU PLAY JAY-Z? HE WOULD BE DOWNSTAIRS. YOU DON'T SEE HIM BECAUSE HE'S
DOWNSTAIRS. I DON'T THINK YOU PUT MUCH THOUGHT INTO THIS.
I HAVE A STOCK PILE OF USELESS TWO SECOND IMPRESSIONS THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
WITH, SO I KIND OF THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THEM ON UPDATE WHERE IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER.
BUT I HAVE TO GET THESE IMPRESSIONS OUT. IT'S MY BRAND.
BARTENDERS WON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME AT THE AFTERPARTY IF I DON'T DO MY TRUMP VOICE.
WE HAVE BEEN WAITING A VERY LONG TIME FOR THAT NEGRONI. THIS IS MUCH TOO LONG.
IT'S A THREE INGREDIENT GREEN. IT'S VERY, VERY SWEET. I LOVE MY NEGRONI.
WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE IMPRESSION, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE QUICK.
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT ONE. THIS IS BOB DYLAN'S CELL PHONE ON VIBRATE.
HEY, HEY, HEY. JAMES AUSTIN JOHNSON, EVERYONE.
FOR "WEEKEND
WITHOUT FATHER MURPHY, I CAN'T PERFORM AN EXORCISM ALONE. YOU WILL ROT IN HELL.
HONEY, HEAR MY VOICE. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL IN THERE, CLAIRE.
DID SOMEONE JUST KNOCK ON OUR DOOR? HELLO?
IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. WHAT IS ALL THE RUCCUS? OH, FATHER, THIS IS OUR
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR, MRS. SHAW. AND I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 45 MINUTES AGO, BUT I SUPPOSE
YOU ALL DECIDE TODAY THROW A PARTY ON A TUESDAY. THIS ISN'T A PARTY.
IT'S OUR DAUGHTER. SHE'S BEEN POSSESSED. WE'RE WAITING FOR FATHER
MURPHY. Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO WAIT. I'LL DO IT.
DO WHAT? THE EXORCISM. I'M GETTING MY SLEEP TONIGHT.
AHH! AHH! SEE I CAN DO IT TOO, OKAY?
YOU DON'T SCARE ME, SWEETIE. YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL. YOU'RE IN OVER YOUR HEAD.
I'LL LET YOU KNOW I HAVE BEEN A CROSSING GUARD AT NASSAU AND EDGE MONT FOR SIX YEARS.
THAT'S SIX LANES. EVERY DAY, I'M THE ONLY THING STOPPING 5th GRADERS FROM
GETTING SENT TO HELL BY A U.P.S. TRUCK. HELLO?
OKAY, YOU NEED TO GET OUT. USE YOUR WORDS. SUCK MY BUTT!
NO, MA'AM, I DON'T DO ALL THAT. I TOSSED SALAD ONCE, AND I WAS
LIKE, THIS AIN'T FOR ME. MAYBE WE SHOULD WAIT FOR THE PRIEST, MRS. SHAW.
OH, NO. I NEED TO GET MY EIGHT HOURS. UH-OH, WHERE'S SHE GOING?
YOU'RE GOING TO HELL, YOU STUPID WHORE. STUPID WHAT NOW?
OH, HONEY, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT. YESTERDAY, A THIRD GRADER CALLED
ME A USED UP SKANK. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT? YOU'RE AN UGLY -- UMM --
UMM WHAT? LOOK AT YOU STUTTERING. SIT YOUR ASS DOWN BEFORE I TURN
ON THE CEILING FAN. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. IS IT WORKING?
YEAH, IT IS. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT. LET ME OUT.
SHE'S EXPELLING THE DEMON. QUICK, WE'LL NEED A NEW VESSEL. I GOT YOU A VESSEL ALL RIGHT.
FRANK! GET DOWN HERE, FRANK! WOMAN, WHAT YOU WANT?
I'M TRYING TO SLEEP. YOU CAN'T SLEEP IF YOU'RE TALKING.
AND LITTLE GIRL, YOUR ASS BETTER NOT BE LEVITATING BACK THERE. SORRY, MRS. SHAW.
THANK YOU, BABY. WAKING MY ASS UP AT 9:00 P.M. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
WE DOING AN EXORCISM, FRANK. WELL, I SHAWED HAVE BEEN ASLEEP 47 MINUTES AGO.
WE KNOW, BABY. NOW YOU GOT TO BE A VESSEL FOR THIS HERE DEMON.
I DON'T WANT DO THAT. IF YOU DON'T DO IT, I'LL CANCEL OUR SEX DATE NEXT WEEK.
OKAY. FOUND MY WEAK SPOT. LET ME GET SITUATED FIRST.
ALL RIGHT. COME ON NOW, DEMON. DO YOUR WORST.
OH, MY GOD. MOM, DAD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED? WHY ARE THE SHAWS IN OUR HOUSE?
SHOULDN'T THEY BE ASLEEP? WE CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH. IT'S ALL GOOD.
Y'ALL SLEEP TIGHT NOW. COME ON,
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] * I'VE BEEN SUICIDAL * * YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR WEEKS
IF I'M UNDECIDED WILL YOU DECIDE FOR ME BABY I'LL DO ANYTHING *
* THAT YOU WANNA I'LL TRY ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA
I'LL TRY * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME * * 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS
ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * GETTING SUICIDAL
IT'S HONESTLY NOT FOR ME I'M GETTIN' ON MY NERVES BY GETTIN' ON MY KNEES *
* GETTING CUCKED I DON'T NEED IT THE PLACE I WANT TO BE
IS SOMEWHERE IN YOUR HEART * * SOMEWHERE GUARANTEED 'CAUSE BABY
I'LL DO ANYTHING THAT YOU WANNA * * I'LL TRY ANYTHING
THAT YOU WANNA I'LL FIND MYSELF IN THE MOONLIGHT *
* 'CAUSE BABY I WANT EVERYTHING THAT YOU WANNA
AND I'VE TRIED TO * * JUST BE ME LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES
BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE * * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS ON MY MIND *
* ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE OH I'VE TRIED TO FIND
ANOTHER NAME * * A THOUSAND TIMES BUT THE ONLY ONE THAT RHYMES
ALWAYS ON MY MIND IS OH CAROLINE * * JUST GIVE ME
ONE MORE CHANCE TONIGHT I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY *
* NO I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU BABY
OH CAROLINE * * GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT BUT YOU'RE ON MY MIND * * OH CAROLINE
I WANNA GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS *
* ON MY MIND ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE
OH CAROLINE * SING IT, JAMIE. * I WANNA GET IT RIGHT
THIS TIME ALWAYS ON MY MIND OH CAROLINE *
* ** **
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SINCE BREAKING OFF FROM DONALDS DONALDS DOMINGUEZ TO FORM DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ, WE HAVE
NOT LANDED A SINGLE NEW CLIENT. YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS? IT'S BECAUSE DONALD DONALDS
DOMINGUEZ HAD A PHONE NUMBER TO REMEMBER, AND EVERYONE IN TOWN KNOWS THEIR FAMOUS PHONE NUMBER
JINGLE. THAT'S RIGHT. WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
OUR NUMBER IS 1-672-555-0136. WHAT WE NEED IS TO TURN THAT NUMBER INTO A SUPPER CATCHY
JINGLE. THERE'S NO WAY TO CREATE A CATCHY JINGLE WITH A NUMBER LIKE
THAT. LAST TUESDAY, MITCHELL AND I WERE AT LUCCIANO'S.
AND YES, I WAS DRINKING -- NO, I WAS GETTING TANKED. MITCHELL GOT TANKED AND
LUCCIANO'S. BUT THEN THIS BAND GOT UP ON THE STAGE AND SANG THE MOST IF YOU
THINK HOOKS I HAD EVER HEARD. COME ON IN, GUY. HEY, THERE.
HELLO, LAWYERS. WE ARE SOUL BOOTH. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
SOUL BOOTH, AND THEY'RE HERE TO SAVE US. WORKED OUT A FEW DEMOS FOR
Y'ALL. WE HEARD YOU NEEDED A POP IF YOU THINK HOOK THAT WILL STICK
ON THE MIND LIKE GRAPEVINES. MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE?
OH, I DO. THEY AIN'T READY. HERE WE GO.
* ONE -- SIX-SEVEN -- TWO * * THEN THREE STRAIGHT FIVES, THE NEXT NUMBER IS O!
* ONE -- THREE -- AND SIX * * WHO YOU GONNA CALL, WHO YOU GONNA CALL, TELL THEM *
* DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ * GUYS, I'M SORRY. I DON'T THINK THAT'S GOING TO
WORK FOR US. WHY IS THAT? JUST DOESN'T SOUND LIKE WHAT
WE HEARD AT LUCCIANO'S. OH, YOU WANT THAT LUCCIANO SOUND?
YES. THIS TRACK SHOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I'M TANKED UP AT LOOCH,
UNDERSTOOD? LOUD AND CLEAR. CRYSTAL.
AND THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE CLOSER TOGETHER. YEAH.
I THINK THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE MUCH CLOSER TOGETHER. UH-HUH.
SO MAYBE SOMETHING LIKE THIS. DO YOU REMEMBER THIS ONE? THEY AIN'T READY.
COME ON. HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO.
* ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE
HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * * DONALDS AND DOMINGUEZ *
GUYS, GUYS, COME ON, THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG. YOU CALL THAT A LOOCHED UP
TRACK? I SHOULD FEEL FIVE DEEP POSTED UP AT LOOCH RIGHT ABOUT
NOW. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT THAT. WHAT'S TO HARD ABOUT WRITING
A JINGLE THAT FEELED LIKE I'M GETTING DAKED DOWN IN THE BACK OF LOOCH?
THEY'RE ABOUT TO KOOT ME OFF, BUT THEN THAT BARTENDER IN THE BACK ACTING LIKE BIALIK.
THE NUMBERS SHOULD BE PRESENTED LIKE A PHONE NUMBER. OR JUST ANYWHERE NEAR THAT
WOULD BE GREAT. I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE JUST THE THING.
ABSOLUTELY. LET'S TAKE A TRIP. I WANT TO TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE
WHERE THERE IS NO RACE, NO RELIGION, A LITTLE PLACE WE CALL HOME.
BUT YOU MAY KNOW AS LUCCIANO'S. HERE WE GO. * ONE THOUSAND-SIX
HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE
HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * ONE MORE TIME. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
* ONE THOUSAND-SIX HUNDRED SEVENTY TWO-FIVE MILLION-FIVE
HUNDRED-FIFTY THOUSAND-ONE HUNDRED THIRTY SIX * SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
MITCHELL, DID THEY DO IT? IS IT LUCHI? NOT ONLY CAN I NOW PERFECTLY
RECALL THE PHONE NUMBER OF OUR LAW OFFICE, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY, I FEEL ABSOLUTELY
ASS-OUT DAKED DOWN AND LOOCHED UP. MY ONLY QUESTION IS -- HOW MUCH?
$10,000. LESS. 40 EACH.
DEAL. EVERYBODY! * 16,000-SEVEN-FIVE HUNDRED *
I WANT TO THANK THE 1975. FRED ARMISON, THE WONDERFUL, SO, SO FUNNY CAST, JERRY, DONNA,
KATIE, MY TEAM OF COURSE. THE CREW, I FEEL LIKE THIS HAS JUST BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL
EXPERIENCE, AND I'M REALLY, REALLY GRATEFUL. THANK YOU GUYS FOR WATCHING AND
LETTING US BE RIDICULOUS AND LETTING ME DO THIS FOR THE FIRST TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]