>> AND, YOU KNOW, MOST OF ALL, I'M JUST THANKFUL FOR BEING HOME
FOR THE HOLIDAYS. >> YOU KNOW, I'M JUST THANKFUL
THAT I MET MICHELLE THIS YEAR. AND NOW I GET TO SPEND
THANKSGIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY. YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY LOOKING
FORWARD TO GETTING TO KNOW YOU GUYS.
>> OH, I'M THANKFUL THAT SOMEONE IN THIS FAMILY HAS A DATE.
I WAS GOING TO BRING A GUY I MET ON match.com, BUT AFTER WE
EXCHANGED PHOTOS, I NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN.
[ WAH‐WAH! ]
>> HEY, CAN YOU PASS SOME OF THAT TURKEY?
OH, IT LOOKS JUICY. >> I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT IT WAS
ALL MINE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> BOY, THE TRAFFIC WAS A DISASTER COMING UP, HUH?
>> OH, YEAH. >> NOTHING COMPARED TO THE
DISASTER THE CHINESE ARE GOING THROUGH.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ SIGHS ]
WHAT? >> THEY'RE STILL DIGGING OUT
FROM TYPHOON SEASON, JUST IN TIME FOR THE BIRD FLU TO TAKE
EVEN MORE LIVES. [ WAH‐WAH! ]
>> UH, WHO WANTS SOME MORE WINE? >> I'D LOVE SOME.
>> OKAY. >> HEY, DO YOU GUYS THINK THE
PILGRIMS BROUGHT A BOTTLE OF PINOT GRIGIO TO THE FIRST
THANKSGIVING? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE PILGRIMS DID BRING ‐‐
SMALLPOX. IT KILLED SCORES OF
NATIVE AMERICANS, RAVAGING THEIR POPULATION.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] AND THAT WAS BEFORE WE GOT
AROUND TO SHATTERING THEIR SPIRIT.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ SIGHS ]
>> SWEETHEART, YOU LOOK CUTE IN THAT TIE.
>> HEY, YOU SHOULD SEE ME IN MY UNDERWEAR.
[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> DID YOU GUYS GET TESTED?
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> WHAT?
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE, THEN YOU SEE
THAT "OPRAH" ABOUT LIVING ON THE DOWN‐LOW.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> UM, I'D LIKE TO PROPOSE A
TOAST. >> ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME MARK.
WE'RE VERY HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HERE.
ALSO, I'D LIKE US ALL TO REMEMBER GRANDMA.
I'M SURE SHE'S LOOKING DOWN ON US AND SMILING.
>> I HOPE IT'S THE VERSION OF HER BEFORE SHE WAS IN THE
GRIPS OF DEMENTIA. [ WAH‐WAH! ]
OTHERWISE, SHE'D JUST BE CONFUSED.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> [ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, I'M SURE YOUR GRANDMA WAS A GREAT LADY AND REALLY LOVED,
YOU KNOW, MOST OF YOU. >> HEY, COULD YOU PASS THE
STUFFING? >> SURE. DEBBIE, STUFFING?
>> HEY, FRANK, DID YOU COOK THIS IN THE BIRD?
>> YEAH, SOAKS UP ALL THE JUICES.
>> ALSO SOAKS UP AN ARRAY OF HARMFUL BACTERIA, CREATING A
BREEDING GROUND FOR FOOD‐BORNE ILLNESSES.
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> HEY, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER THAN I AM
RIGHT NOW, AND I NEVER WANT THIS FEELING TO END, SO...
>> [ GASPS ] >> OH, MY GOD, MARK!
>> MICHELLE, WILL YOU MARRY ME? >> OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE, YES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> MICHELLE, LET'S SEE THE RING.
>> OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL. MARK, THIS MUST HAVE COST YOU
A FORTUNE. >> HEY, JUST LIKE THEY SAY ‐‐
TWO MONTHS SALARY. >> DID YOU FACTOR IN THE LOSS OF
LIFE AT THE HANDS OF THE AFRICAN DIAMOND INDUSTRY?
[ WAH‐WAH! ] >> YOU KNOW WHAT, DEBBIE?
I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR LESS THAN A DAY, BUT I'VE KIND OF HAD IT
WITH YOU. I MEAN, I NEVER SAID A WORD
WHEN WE WERE WATCHING THE PARADE, AND YOU TOLD ME
EVERYTHING I COULD EVER WISH TO KNOW ABOUT AL‐QAEDA, OR WHEN THE
GARFIELD FLOAT CAME BY, AND YOU MADE THAT SPEECH ABOUT
FELINE AIDS. >> IT'S THE NUMBER‐ONE KILLER
OF DOMESTIC CATS. [ MEOW‐MEOW! ]
>> AND THAT'S VERY, VERY SAD, BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT
IT DURING MY MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. >> COME ON, MARK, WE'RE GOING TO
GO EAT IN THE TV ROOM. >> EXCUSE ME.
>> [ SIGHS ]
>> GUESS WHO'S GOT ECZEMA?
WELL, I GUESS IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, MR. TURKEY.
[ TURKEY GOBBLES ]
>> IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: THANKSGIVING"!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL SIMON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ INTRO TO "STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS" PLAYS ]
>> ♪ I MET MY OLD LOVER ON THE STREET LAST NIGHT ♪
♪ SHE SEEMED SO GLAD TO SEE ME, I JUST SMILED ♪
♪ AND WE TALKED ABOUT SOME OLD TIMES ♪
♪ AND WE DRANK OURSELVES SOME BEERS ♪
♪ STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS ♪
♪ OH, STILL CRA‐‐ CUT!
OKAY, CUT IT. [ MUSIC STOPS ]
FORGET IT, RICHARD. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, I SAID WHEN THE TURKEY CONCEPT WAS FIRST BROUGHT UP,
I SAID THERE'S A VERY GOOD CHANCE I'M GONNA END UP
LOOKING STUPID IF I COME OUT WEARING IT.
I MEAN, EVERYONE SAID, "OH, IT'S THANKSGIVING, GO AHEAD."
I FELT THAT IT WAS NOT IN ANY WAY IN KEEPING WITH MY IMAGE,
THE LYRICS, "THE BOXER," ANY OF THOSE SONGS.
THEY SAID, "HEY, YOU KNOW, YOU TAKE YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP TAKING YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY FOR A
WHILE, LOOSEN UP A LITTLE BIT, AND MAYBE PEOPLE WILL LAUGH?
YOU WANT TO BE MR. ALIENATION? YOU CAN BE MR. ALIENATION."
WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO BE MR. ALIENATION.
I‐I WANT TO BE A REGULAR GUY, BUT I FEEL THIS HAS JUST BEEN A
DISASTER. I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST GONNA GO AND CHANGE. IT'S JUST A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
[ APPLAUSE ] [ MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY ]
>> WONDERFUL! >> WONDERFUL?
YOU CALL THAT WONDERFUL? >> WHAT, YOU GOT A PROBLEM?
>> IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST HUMILIATING EXPERIENCES OF MY
LIFE! >> WHAT, THE BAND CAME IN LATE?
>> THE BAND IS FINE! IT'S NOT THE BAND!
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.
>> THE PROBLEM IS I'M SINGING "STILL CRAZY AFTER ALL THESE
YEARS" IN A TURKEY OUTFIT! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING IN A
TURKEY OUTFIT? >> I THOUGHT IT WORKED GREAT.
>> YEAH? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,
JAN‐MICHAEL VINCENT HERE? YOU THINK I'M LOOKING GOOD?
>> YOU LOOK GREAT! HONESTLY. WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO CHANGE?
>> YEAH, LET'S JUST DO THAT. LET'S SAY IT WAS A DIFFERENCE OF
OPINION. >> MAYBE IT WAS A DIFFERENCE OF
OPINION, BUT I THINK IT WORKED GREAT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS FOLLOWING MESSAGE.
>> I CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE DOOR! >> ALL RIGHT, I'LL HELP YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, GUYS, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE.
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING! >> I AM SO THANKFUL TO HAVE YOU
ALL HERE TODAY. >> I AM THANKFUL THAT I ONLY
BURNED THE TURKEY A LITTLE BIT. I'M SORRY, GANG.
>> YOU KNOW, I AM THANKFUL THAT OUR GOVERNOR IS NOT GONNA LET
THOSE REFUGEES IN HERE. >> OH, MY GOD.
>> I KNOW. [ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ]
>> YOU KNOW, I HEARD THE REFUGEES ARE ALL ISIS IN
DISGUISE. >> OH, YEAH.
THAT'S TRUE. I ACTUALLY SAW AN ISIS IN THE
A&P TODAY WHEN I WAS PICKING UP THE YAMS.
>> NO, YOU DIDN'T, AUNT KATHY. THAT WAS AN ASIAN WOMAN.
[ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] >> YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU. WHY IS IT THAT YOUR FRIENDS KEEP
ANTAGONIZING THE POLICE? >> WHY WOULD YOU ASK MY
BOYFRIEND THAT? >> WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO GET
TO KNOW JAMAL. >> THAT'S VERY CONFRONTATIONAL.
[ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] >> EXCUSE ME.
>> SHE'S A GUEST AT OUR ‐‐ [ ADELE'S "HELLO" PLAYS ]
>> ♪ HELLO ♪ IT'S ME
♪ I WAS WONDERING IF AFTER ALL THESE YEARS YOU'D LIKE TO MEET ♪
♪ TO GO OVER ♪ EVERYTHING
♪ THEY SAY THAT TIME'S SUPPOSED TO HEAL YA, BUT I AIN'T DONE
MU‐‐ ♪ [ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> OH, YOUR GRANDPARENTS ARE HERE.
>> HOW WAS THE FLIGHT? >> OH, IT WAS GOOD, GOOD.
>> I SAW TWO TRANSGENDERS AT THE AIRPORT.
THEY STILL LOOK KIND OF PRETTY. >> VERY INTERESTING TREND, THIS.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> TRANSGENDER IS NOT A TREND,
MR. PAUL. >> AND THERE WEREN'T ANY AROUND
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. >> YEAH, THEY WERE THERE, BUT
THEY COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING, SO THEY LIVED SAD LIVES AND DIED.
>> NO TALKING ABOUT THAT AT THANKSGIVING!
[ OVERLAPPING CONVERSATION ] [ SONG RESUMES ]
>> ♪ HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE ♪ I MUST'VE CALLED A THOUSAND
TIMES ♪ ♪ TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY FOR
EVERYTHING THAT I'VE DONE ♪ ♪ BUT WHEN I CALL, YOU NEVER
SEEM TO BE HOME ♪ ♪ HELLO FROM THE OTHER ‐‐
[ TIMER DINGS ] >> OH, THE PIES ARE READY.
>> AND I AM READY TO VOTE FOR BEN CARSON.
>> YOU ARE SUCH A ‐‐ >> ♪ HELLO FROM THE OUTSIDE
♪ AT LEAST I CAN SAY THAT I'VE TRIED ♪
♪ TO TELL YOU I'M SORRY FOR BREAKING YOUR HEART ♪
♪ BUT IT DON'T MATTER ♪ IT CLEARLY DOESN'T TEAR YOU
APART ANYMORE ♪ ♪ OOOH, OOH, OOH‐OOH
♪ ANYMORE ♪ OOOH, OOH‐OOH, OOH
♪ ANYMORE ♪ OOOH, OOH, OOH, OOH
♪ ANYMORE ♪ ANYMORE
>> DIG IN, EVERYONE. >> THANKS, ADELE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, PLEASE ‐‐ PLEASE, EVERYONE, DIG IN.
DON'T WAIT FOR ME. >> MOM, THIS SMELLS DELICIOUS.
I'M STARVING. ALL I'VE HAD TODAY IS A
SMOOTHIE. >> AW.
>> BEFORE WE GET TOO CARRIED AWAY, I'D JUST LIKE TO WELCOME
KAREN TO OUR HOME AND TO OUR TABLE.
>> OH, THANK YOU. THAT IS SO SWEET, MR. BLAKE.
>> PLEASE, CALL ME CORNELIUS. >> WELL, THANK YOU, CORNELIUS.
>> I JUST HAVE TO SAY, KAREN, THAT PAUL MUST REALLY LIKE YOU
IF HE'S BRINGING YOU OVER TO THE HOUSE ON JUST YOUR SECOND DATE.
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> OH, WELL, PAUL AND I HAD
SUCH A WONDERFUL FIRST DATE, I THOUGHT, "WHY NOT?
WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE?" >> WELL, BE CAREFUL.
YOU MIGHT BECOME THE DAUGHTER THEY NEVER HAD.
[ LAUGHTER ] DAD, DO YOU MIND?
>> OH, SURE. KAREN, I NEED TO ASK YOU
SOMETHING. IS YOUR FATHER DALE ANDERSON?
>> DO YOU KNOW MY FATHER? >> I HAVE KNOW DALE ANDERSON ‐‐
WE HAVE KNOWN DALE ANDERSON ‐‐ FOR 20 YEARS.
WE STARTED AT THE SAME PLANT TOGETHER.
AND, UH... AND THEN, I GOT TRANSFERRED WHEN
THE KIDS WERE REALLY LITTLE. >> YEAH, YEAH.
IN FACT I THINK THAT YOU GUYS PROBABLY PLAYED TOGETHER WHEN
YOU WERE LITTLE. >> THE CHICKEN IS SO GREAT, MOM.
>> OH, THANK YOU, SWEETIE. >> WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
>> OH, THAT. WE PLAYED TOGETHER WHEN WE WERE
LITTLE KIDS. KIND OF NEAT, HUH?
>> HERE COMES SOME CORN! >> ALL RIGHT!
>> CORN IS MY SPECIALTY. >> MMM‐MMM.
MOM... [ CHUCKLES ]
...YOU ARE ON YOUR GAME TONIGHT. >> OH, THANK YOU.
>> WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? >> I'M FEEDING HIM.
>> YES, I SEE THAT. BUT WHY THAT WAY?
>> KAREN, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU.
MY SALIVARY GLANDS DON'T FUNCTION PROPERLY.
AND ON TOP OF THAT, I HAVE REALLY WEAK TEETH.
>> THEY'RE LIKE LITTLE PIECES OF CHALK.
>> [ CHUCKLES ] >> MOM, THEY'RE NOT THAT SOFT.
I'M NOT A BABY. >> PAUL, YOU NEVER TOLD ME
ABOUT THIS. >> ARE YOU SURE?
I‐I COULD HAVE SWORN I TOLD YOU. >> NO, PAUL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME.
I THINK I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED IF YOU'D TOLD ME YOUR FATHER
CHEWS YOUR FOOD FOR YOU AND SPITS IT UP INTO YOUR MOUTH!
>> DO YOU NEED SOME BUTTER, KAREN?
>> I KNOW I DO. >> KAREN, DID WE NOT HAVE A
WONDERFUL FIRST DATE? >> WELL...
YES, IT WAS GREAT. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, RIGHT
NOW I'M FEELING INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.
>> WELL YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL EVEN MORE UNCOMFORTABLE IF
YOU MISS OUT ON THIS DELICIOUS SOURDOUGH.
PAUL? >> YEAH.
>> OK, ISN'T THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU GUYS CAN DO THAT?
>> HE'S GOT NO SALIVA! >> DAD, DON'T RUIN THIS.
>> NO, PAUL, I'M NOT GOING TO RUIN ANYTHING, BUT I GET TIRED
OF THIS! NOW, KAREN, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW MANY WOMEN PAUL HAS BROUGHT HERE FOR DINNER THAT JUST
[Coughing] TURN AROUND AND RUN THROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR ‐‐
I'M UPSET! RUN THROUGH THAT FRONT DOOR
AFTER THE FIRST REGURGITATION! BUT YOU'VE STAYED!
YOU'VE STAYED FOR THREE! >> DAD, PLEASE!
>> IT NEEDS TO BE SAID, SON. THERE'S SOMETHING SPECIAL ABOUT
YOU, KAREN. I COULD TELL IT WHEN I SHOOK
YOUR HAND. BUT MAYBE I WAS WRONG.
>> MOMMY, MOMMY! JOEY'S DAD TOOK ME TO McDONALD'S
AND HE GOT ME AN APPLE PIE! >> OH, THAT'S GREAT, HONEY!
OHH! >> HI, I'M NATHAN.
I'M PAUL'S LITTLE BROTHER. HI, PAUL.
>> HI, NATHAN. I'M KAREN. >> MOMMY, CAN I HAVE SOME OF MY
APPLE PIE NOW? >> SURE, SWEETIE.
OF COURSE, YEAH. >> NO, NO, NO!
I WANT KAREN TO CHEW IT. WILL KAREN CHEW MY APPLE PIE
FOR ME? >> HONEY...
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK KAREN THAT.
>> KAREN, WOULD YOU ‐‐ WOULD YOU CHEW MY PIE FOR ME?
[ AIMEE MANN'S "WISE UP" PLAYS ] >> ♪ IT'S NOT
♪ WHAT YOU THOUGHT ♪ WHEN YOU FIRST BEGAN IT
♪ YOU GOT ♪ WHAT YOU WANT
♪ NOW YOU CAN HARDLY STAND IT ♪ THOUGH, BY NOW YOU KNOW
♪ IT'S NOT GOING TO STOP [ MUSIC FADES ]
>> NATHAN... I WOULD LOVE TO CHEW THIS APPLE
PIE FOR YOU. >> YAY, YAY! APPLE PIE!
>> KAREN, I THINK I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU.
>> OH, ME TOO! LET'S HAVE SOME DESSERT!
>> ♪ LOVE LIFTS US UP WHERE WE BELONG ♪
>> TONIGHT, WE START WHAT WE HOPE WILL BECOME A
"WEEKEND UPDATE" TRADITION. EVERY THANKSGIVING FROM NOW ON,
A DIFFERENT "SNL" PERFORMER WILL COMPOSE AND SING AN ORIGINAL
SONG TO COMMEMORATE THE HOLIDAY. WE COULDN'T THINK OF A BETTER
PERSON TO BEGIN THIS TRADITION THAN OUR OWN ADAM SANDLER.
>> OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, KEVIN.
THAT'S NICE OF YOU. THANK YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT, ADAM, ARE YOU READY?
>> YES, I AM, KEVIN. I'VE WORKED ALL WEEK ON MY SONG,
AND I HOPE YOU'LL BE ENTERTAINED AND A LITTLE MOVED.
>> ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY ♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY
'CAUSE IT'S GOOD ♪
♪ LOVE TO EAT TURKEY LIKE A GOOD BOY SHOULD ♪
♪ CAUSE IT'S TURKEY TO EAT, SO GOOD ♪
♪ A TURKEY FOR ME ♪ TURKEY FOR YOU
♪ LET'S EAT TURKEY IN A BIG, BROWN SHOE ♪
♪ LOVE TO EAT THE TURKEY AT THE TABLE ♪
♪ I ONCE SAW A MOVIE WITH BETTY GRABLE ♪
♪ EAT THAT TURKEY ALL NIGHT LONG ♪
♪ 50 MILLION ELVIS FANS CAN'T BE WRONG ♪
♪ TURKEY TURKEY DEE ♪ TURKEY TURKEY DAP
♪ I EAT THE TURKEY AND I TAKE A NAP ♪
♪ THANKSGIVING IS A SPECIAL NIGHT ♪
♪ JIMMIE WALKER USED TO SAY "DYNAMITE" ♪
THAT'S RIGHT! ♪ TURKEY WITH THE GRAVY AND THE
CRANBERRY ♪ ♪ CAN'T BELIEVE THE METS TRADED
DARRYL STRAWBERRY ♪ ♪ TURKEY FOR YOU
♪ AND TURKEY FOR ME ♪ CAN'T BELIEVE TYSON GAVE THE
GIRL V. D. ♪ ♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE DEE
♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE DAWKIE ♪ I USED TO GO TO CAMP
AT LAKE WINNIPESAUKEE ♪ COME ON, KEVIN.
>> NO, THAT'S OKAY. >> OH, IT'LL BE FUN.
>> OKAY. >> Both: ♪ TURKEY FOR ME
♪ AND TURKEY FOR YOU ♪ LET'S EAT TURKEY IN A BIG,
BROWN SHOE ♪ ♪ TURKEY‐LEE‐DEE
AND TURKEY‐LEE‐DUFFING ♪ ♪ I LOVE TURKEY WITH A LOT OF
STUFFING ♪ ♪ TURKEY AND SWEET POTATO PIE
♪ SAMMY DAVIS JR. ONLY HAD ONE EYE ♪
♪ OH, TURKEY WITH THE GIRLS ♪ AND TURKEY WITH THE BOYS
♪ MY FAVORITE KIND OF PANTS ARE CORDUROYS ♪
♪ GOBBLE GOBBLE GEE ♪ AND GOBBLE GOBBLE GICKLE
♪ I WISH TURKEY COULD ONLY COST A NICKEL ♪
♪ OH, I LOVE TURKEY ON THANKSGIVI‐I‐I‐I‐ING ♪
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU! >> THANK YOU, ADAM.
I'M KEVIN NEALON, AND THAT'S NEWS TO ME.
>> ALL RIGHT!
>> HI, EVERYONE. I'M MARY. I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR VOLUNTEERING AT ST. ANGEL'S THANKSGIVING SOUP KITCHEN.
THESE DINNERS ARE SO FUN. LAST YEAR, WE ATE AND LAUGHED
AND PARTIED AND ‐‐ SO HARD THAT WE DIDN'T GET OUT OF HERE UNTIL,
LIKE, 8:30. I'M TALKING P. M.
>> WELL, I'M LISA, AND IT'S MY FIRST TIME DOING THIS.
I'M EXCITED. >> AND I'M LOU.
AND SEEING ALL THESE WONDERFUL FACES HERE TODAY, IT REALLY
WARMS MY HEART. >> IT WARMS MY HEART, TOO, SO,
I'D LIKE TO SAY. MINE'S ‐‐ MINE'S BURNING A LOT,
THOUGH. IT'S LIKE A LITTLE BALL OF FIRE
UNDER MY BRA. CAN'T SAY THE PLEDGE OF
ALLEGIANCE OR I'LL BURN MY HAND.
SO I GUESS MY HEART'S A LITTLE WARMER THAN YOURS.
>> OH, THANK YOU. PENELOPE, WAS IT?
>> MM‐HMM. MM‐HMM. YEAH. >> OH, GOOD.
WELL, AS I WAS SAYING, THANKSGIVING IS A SPECIAL TIME
FOR ME. INTERESTING FACT ‐‐ THANKS TO
ancestry.com, I JUST FOUND OUT THAT I HAD RELATIVES COME OVER
ON THE MAYFLOWER. >> MY RELATIVES CAME OVER ON THE
APRILFLOWER. SO, THEY GOT HERE ONE MONTH
BEFORE YOURS DID. >> ALL RIGHT. GOOD TO KNOW.
OOH! WELL, I CAN SEE THAT PEOPLE ARE STARTING TO ARRIVE, SO I'M
GONNA OPEN THE DOORS, AND, EVERYBODY, LET'S GET OUR APRONS
ON!
COME ON IN. COME ON IN.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
>> HAPPY TURKEY DAY. >> HAPPY TURKEY DAY.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, JUST TO
BE THE FIRST TO SAY. HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY.
PROBABLY GET TO SEE A LOT OF FIREWORKS 'CAUSE YOU LIVE
OUTSIDE, SO... >> PENELOPE!
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'VE GOT THIS COVERED, BUT WHY DON'T YOU GO
OVER THERE AND HELP SERVE THE CORN?
>> OKAY. >> [ SIGHS ]
>> MASHED POTATOES? >> YEAH, PLEASE.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE. >> OH, WELL, THEN MAYBE I CAN
SNEAK YOU A LITTLE EXTRA. >> I'LL SNEAK YOU A LITTLE
EXTRA, TOO. SOME CORN?
I'M JUST GONNA GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN SHE DID.
GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE. GIVE YOU A LITTLE MORE THAN SHE
DID. >> WOW, I AM THANKFUL FOR YOU,
LADY! >> OH, OH, PENELOPE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T GIVE THAT MUCH CORN TO
ONE PERSON. HERE.
>> WELL, DON'T BE SO HARD ON HER.
SHE MEANS WELL. >> WELL, FINE, BUT JUST DON'T
BRING OUT ANY MORE BIG SILVERWARE, OKAY?
[ GASPS ] PASTOR MIKE!
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE.
WOW, LOOK AT ALL THESE TURKEYS. AND THERE'S FOOD HERE, TOO.
[ BOTH LAUGH ] >> OH, PASTOR MIKE.
YOU TELL SUCH GOOD JOKES. >> OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> IS THING ON? I TELL GOOD JOKES, TOO. OKAY.
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PEANUT WHO WENT INTO
CENTRAL PARK? IT WAS ASSAULTED. [a salted]
THAT'S MY TIME. BEEN A GREAT CROWD.
>> WELL, UH, THANK YOU, PENELOPE.
ANYWAY, PASTOR MIKE, I SAVED YOU A DRUMSTICK.
>> OH, DON'T MIND IF I DO, AND WHEN YOU HAVE A CHANCE, COME BY
MY TABLE AND SAY HI. THE WHOLE FAMILY IS HERE ‐‐ ALL
THREE OF US. >> MY FAMILY'S HERE, TOO, SO...
AND THERE'S SIX OF US. WE'RE, LIKE, DOUBLE‐BIGGER THAN
YOURS. THEY'RE RIGHT OVER THERE, SO...
>> EXCUSE ME, UM, MARY. >> MM‐HMM.
>> SOME OF THE PEOPLE ARE WONDERING IF WE COULD TURN UP
THE VOLUME ON THE FOOTBALL GAME. >> OH, OF COURSE. NO PROBLEM.
I'D BE HAPPY TO DO THAT. >> I'M ALREADY DOING IT, SO...
JUST GONNA TURN IT UP A LITTLE LOUDER THAN YOU WOULD HAVE.
JUST TURNING IT UP. >> IF PASTOR MIKE WASN'T HERE,
I'D KICK THAT GIRL IN THE GIBLETS.
>> OH, SHE'S JUST BEING HELPFUL. >> WELL...
>> Both: OHH! >> THAT'S THE LONGEST PASS I'VE
EVER SEEN. WHAT'S SANCHEZ DOING?
NO ONE'S IN THE END ZONE! >> WHO IS THAT?
>> IT'S ME. I CAUGHT IT, SO... TOUCHDOWN.
THANK YOU, LORD. >> WHAT IS HAPPENING?
>> DOES ANYONE WANT THIS FOOTBALL?
I CAN'T PLAY ANYMORE. I JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR
STEROIDS. >> SHE IS RUINING THIS ENTIRE
DAY. SHE'S ACTING LIKE SHE'S THE
QUEEN OF THANKSGIVING. >> I AM THE QUEEN OF
THANKSGIVING. I NOW DUB THEE
SIR WADDLE OF GOBBLELOT, SO CONGRATULATIONS.
>> REALLY, PENELOPE? REALLY? YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF
THANKSGIVING? WELL [CHUCKLES] I AM THE
PRESIDENT OF WEDNESDAYS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
I DRIVE A TANNING BED TO WORK. AND IF I CLAP THREE TIMES, A
WIENER DOG APPEARS, AND, OH! MY DAD'S A CHOCOLATE CHIP,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? IF I WANT TO RELAX, I JUST TURN
MYSELF INTO A POT OF SOUP, SO [Mockingly] WHAT DO YOU THINK
ABOUT THAT, PENELOPE? >> WELL, I GUESS ALL I CAN SAY
IS MY TANNING BED DRIVES ME TO WORK, SO I CAN READ THE PAPER
AND HAVE MY COFFEE. AND IF I CLAP TWICE, ALL THE
DOGS IN THE WORLD GET AN EXTRA WIENER.
AND MY DAD'S A CHOCOLATE‐CHIP COOKIE, SO YOUR DAD IS BAKED
INSIDE HIM, SO... AND WHEN I WANT TO RELAX, I
SHRINK INTO A POT OF SOUP AND FLOAT AROUND AND USE A CELERY
STICK AS A RAFT, SO... >> I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M
WASTING MY TIME WITH YOU. THIS IS A DAY OF THANKS, AND
YOU MADE IT ALL ABOUT YOU! >> MARY, CALM DOWN.
OKAY? JUST TRY TO HAVE SOME FOOD AND
RELAX. >> YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
[ LAUGHS ] >> UH, MARY, I THINK WE HAVE A
SITUATION OVER HERE. >> HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'M NOT THANKFUL FOR ANYTHING. I'M THANKFUL FIVE, WHICH IS JUST
A LITTLE BIT MORE THAN YOU. A LITTLE MORE THANKFUL THAN
EVERYONE ELSE ‐‐ HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE.
HAPPY TURKEY DAY.
"MARTHA STUART LIVING"...
>> SUCCULENT TURKEY, FLUFFY MASHED POTATOES, AND SAVORY
CHESTNUT DRESSING. I'M MARTHA STUART.
THIS YEAR'S THANKSGIVING WILL BE PARTICULARLY MEANINGFUL FOR
ALL RED‐BLOODED, PROPERLY DOCUMENTED AMERICANS.
TOMORROW ON "LIVING," I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PREPARE THE PERFECT
HARVEST FEAST THAT COMBINES ALL THE CULINARY TRADITIONS OF
THANKSGIVING WITH ALL THE PAGEANTRY AND PATRIOTISM OF
INDEPENDENCE DAY. FRANKLY, THE IDEA OF THESE TWO
HOLIDAYS ROLLED INTO ONE GIVES ME A GIANT MARTHA BONER.
I FOUND THESE GORGEOUS ANTIQUE LINEN SERVIETTES IN MY CHINA
CLOSET AND EMBROIDERED THEM MYSELF WITH INSPIRATIONAL
SAYINGS LIKE "GOD BLESS AMERICA,"
"THESE COLORS DON'T RUN," AND "SUCK IT, OSAMA!"
THEY REALLY ARE A CHARMING ADDITION TO ANY THANKSGIVING
PLACE SETTING. ALSO, MY FRIEND
CLEMENTINE BRYBERG WILL BE HERE TO SHOW US HOW TO FASHION YOUR
TRADITIONAL CANDIED YAMS INTO AN INSPIRATIONAL BUST OF
VICE‐PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY. I PROMISE YOU, THESE YAMS ARE
AS SWEET AND CREAMY AS THE REAL DICK CHENEY.
AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO PUT A PATRIOTIC SPIN ON YOUR MAIN
COURSE. FOR EXAMPLE, INSTEAD OF MY USUAL
ROAST TURKEY, THIS YEAR I'VE PREPARED A JUICY 50‐POUND
BALD EAGLE.
IT'S UNDENIABLY AMERICAN, AND EVERYONE 'ROUND YOUR TABLE WILL
BE VYING FOR ITS AMPLE DRUMSTICK.
AND IN THESE CHALLENGING TIMES, IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER THOSE
WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE THAN OURSELVES.
THESE CHARMING RELIEF PACKAGES ARE SURE TO DELIGHT ANY AFGHAN
REFUGEE. JUST CHOOSE A FRENCH ENAMEL
LUNCH PAIL OUT OF YOUR FRENCH ENAMELWEAR COLLECTION AND STOCK
IT WITH NECESSITIES. I'VE FILLED MINE WITH SACHETS
OF DRIED LAVENDER FROM MY HERB GARDEN.
FOR THE CHILDREN, A BLOWN GLASS ORNAMENT TO MAKE THEIR CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL. AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY, SOME
BEAUTIFUL HAND‐MILLED PAPER SO THEY CAN WRITE A THANK‐YOU NOTE.
GARNISH THE PAIL WITH SOME PATRIOTIC RIBBON, AND THESE
GOODIES MAKE A CHARMING PACKAGE TO BE DROPPED ON THE HEADS OF
OUR FRIENEMIES. SO JOIN ME TOMORROW ON "LIVING,"
WHEN WE PREPARE A THANKSGIVING FOR A NEW REALITY.
AND, AS A SPECIAL BURN ON THE TALIBAN, I'LL WEAR A BIKINI TOP
AND EAT A HOT PORK SANDWICH, WHILE I DANCE TO BRITNEY SPEARS.
FREEDOM ‐‐ IT'S A GOOD THING. >> ♪ STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY
♪ IT'S NOTHING BUT A MILE AWAY
[ UP‐TEMPO HIP‐HOP MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ HOLIDAY TIME
♪ EVERYONE AND THEIR BROTHER ♪ SHOWS UP FOR DINNER WITH MY
FATHER AND MOTHER ♪ ♪ FAMILY AT THE TABLE, GETTING
CRAZY AND LOUD, SAYING... ♪ ♪ AIN'T ENOUGH TURKEY TO FEED
THIS CROWD ♪ >> ♪ THE BIRD'S TOO SMALL
TO FEED US ALL ♪ >> ♪ BUT YOUR MAMA SAYS,
"PUMP IT" ♪ ♪ PUMP IT UP NOW
♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ GET A NIKEY TURKEY AND PUMP
IT ♪ >> ♪ MAKE IT BIG NOW
>> ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP IT UP
>> ♪ THE FIRST TURKEY DINNER WAS 1620 ♪
♪ THE PILGRIMS HAD IT IN THE LAND OF PLENTY ♪
♪ NOTHING WAS CHILL WITH THE HARVEST DOWN ♪
♪ BUT THE RED BROTHER KNEW HE HAD ENOUGH TO GO AROUND ♪
♪ HE KNEW TO PUMP IT ♪ PUMP IT UP NOW
♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP THE BIRD
>> ♪ PUMP IT >> ♪ MAKE IT BIG NOW
♪ PUMP IT ♪ PUMP IT UP!
>> ♪ SO IF YOUR HOLIDAY TABLE AIN'T LOOKING TOO FULL ♪
♪ GET A NIKEY TURKEY ♪ IT'S ADJUSTABLE
♪ AND PUMP IT >> ♪ PUMP IT UP
>> IF IT DOESN'T SAY "NIKEY," IT'S NOT A TURKEY.
>> ♪ PUMP IT UP
>> NEXT ON "THE CALIFORNIANS"... >> [ Surfer accent ] OKAY.
LET'S GO OVER IT ONE MORE TIME. I KNOW YOU CAN NAIL THIS.
"ORANGE ‐‐ SHANE PLACED THE ORANGE NEAR THE FOUNTAIN."
NOW YOU TRY. >> [ Hispanic accent ] MR. SHANE
PLACED THE ORANGE NEAR THE FOUNTAIN.
>> GOOD, ROSA. YOU'RE IMPROVING.
>> MR. DEVON, THANK YOU FOR THE ENGLISH LESSON.
>> GOT ONE MORE WORD TO TEACH YOU ‐‐
LOVE. >> [ GASPS ]
>> [ Surfer accent ] I'M SO GLAD I HIRED YOU TO COOK THANKSGIVING
DINNER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. >> [ Surfer accent ] YOU'RE
TOTALLY IN GOOD HANDS. I WAS VOTED BEST CHEF IN
SONOMA COUNTY. >> DEVON?!
W‐W‐W‐WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ROSA?!
>> I WAS JUST TEACHING HER SOME ENGLISH, FREE OF CHARGE.
>> THAT'S NOT WHAT YOU WERE DOING, DEVON.
SHE WORKS FOR ME. DON'T YOU GET IT?
DON'T YOU GET ENOUGH ACTION OVER IN MALIBU COUNTY?
>> IT'S OKAY, STUART. I WAS LEAVING, ANYWAY.
I WAS GONNA TAKE COLDWATER CANYON AND RIVERSIDE DRIVE, HOOK
A LOUIE, GET ON VAN NUYS, THEN HOP ON THE 101 TO TARZANA.
>> GET TO IT, THEN! JUST GET ON THE 101 AND SKIP ALL
THE EXITS AND NEVER COME BACK! >> SO, THERE'S NO TRAFFIC ON THE
101? >> THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT. JUST GET OUT OF HERE!
>> SO, GET ON THE 405? >> JUST GET IN YOUR CAR AND GO,
DEVON. >> MR. STUART, PLEASE DON'T BE
ANGRY. I'M IN LOVE!
>> WHAT?! ROSA, LISTEN TO ME.
YOU GOT TO STAY AWAY FROM DEVON. HE'S NO GOOD FOR YOU.
HE'S BROKEN HEARTS IN RANCHO CUCAMONGA, SAN BERNADINO,
SANTA CLARITA, AND REDONDO BEACH.
I DON'T WANT HIM TO GO TO YOUR APARTMENT IN ANGELINO HEIGHTS.
>> STUART, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE LIVES?
>> "THE CALIFORNIANS." >> MOM, SO NICE THAT YOU FLEW IN
ALL THE WAY FROM SACRAMENTO. >> [ Snooty accent ] ANYTHING
FOR YOU, STUART. I'M DRYING OUT SOME APRICOTS FOR
THANKSGIVING. >> MR. STUART, YOUR LAWYER IS
HERE TO SEE YOU. >> LAWYER?
CRAIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU NEVER LEAVE YOUR OFFICE.
>> I WAS JUST AT THE BEVERLY CENTER, BUYING
MYSELF SOME KILLER CHINOS. TOOK CRESCENT HEIGHTS UP ACROSS
SUNSET AND DROVE UP LAUREL CANYON, WHEN I REMEMBERED
I HAD SOMETHING SUPER IMPORTANT TO TELL YOU.
SO, I MADE A LEFT ON VENTURA, BY THE BAJA FRESH, GOT ONTO
BEVERLY GLEN, AND MADE A QUICK RIGHT ON CARMELITA.
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU SOME PRETTY JARRING NEWS, BRO.
>> JARRING?! LET'S SIT DOWN IN SEQUOIA
SEATING ARRANGEMENT.
>> AWESOME. SO, STUART, APPARENTLY YOU
FATHERED THIS ILLEGITIMATE LITTLE BRO.
THE MOM SAID YOU MET HER AT AN EAGLES CONCERT.
HER NAME'S SEPTEMBER. >> [ SIGHS ]
OH, NO. THAT REALLY COMPLICATES MY LIFE.
W‐W‐WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH A BABY?
>> JUST GO EASY, STUART. REMEMBER, YOU WERE A BABY ONCE,
TOO. >> HE'S RIGHT, STUART.
SEPTEMBER WILL MAKE A GREAT MOM. >> UH, UH, UH, UH, HOW DO YOU
KNOW WHO SHE IS?
>> "THE CALIFORNIANS."
>> YOU GUYS, I'M SO HAPPY THAT THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN BE TOG‐‐
SO HAPPY THE WHOLE FAMILY CAN BE TOGETHER FOR THANKSGIVING, PLUS
MY DEAR FRIEND TREY. >> [ Surfer accent ] WOULDN'T
MISS IT FOR THE WORLD, COMPADRE. >> AND, EVERYONE, HELP YOURSELF
TO SOME DRIED ‐‐ DRIED APRICOTS. >> I MADE ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.
>> [ Surfer accent ] IS THERE ENOUGH FOR ME?
>> TYLER! W‐W‐W‐W‐WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐ W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐W‐
W‐W‐W‐WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD. YOU DIED IN A TWO‐SEATER PLANE
CRASH. >> I HAD A PARACHUTE.
AND I'VE TOTALLY BEEN LIVING IN THE BACK OF A BANK OF AMERICA.
>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT DEAD, BROTHER.
>> WELL, I COMPLETELY HAVE ANOTHER TOTAL BIT OF NEWS.
I'M DYING, BRO! >> NO!
WE WERE JUST GETTING TO KNOW YOU, MAN!
>> TYLER, YOU CAN'T DIE! YOU'RE GONNA BE AN UNCLE.
>> OKAY. I WON'T?
>> "THE CALIFORNIANS."
>> I THINK THE BEST THANKSGIVING WE EVER HAD WAS ONE WHERE WE
DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A TURKEY. MOM AND DAD SAT US KIDS DOWN AND
EXPLAINED THAT BUSINESS HADN'T BEEN GOOD AT DAD'S STORE.
SO, WE COULDN'T AFFORD A TURKEY. WE HAD VEGETABLES AND BREAD AND
PIE, AND IT WAS JUST FINE. LATER, I WENT INTO MOM AND DAD'S
BEDROOM TO THANK THEM, AND I CAUGHT THEM EATING A LITTLE
TURKEY. I GUESS THAT WASN'T REALLY THE
BEST THANKSGIVING.
>> BOYS, COME ON. SETTLE DOWN.
TREY'S GOING TO BE HOME ANY MINUTE FROM COLLEGE.
AND THEN WE CAN EAT, AND WE CAN MEET HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, ELISE.
>> HE'S BEING SO SECRETIVE ABOUT HER.
>> WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU HATE EVERY GIRL HE BRINGS HOME.
>> THAT IS NOT TRUE. >> UM, IT IS TRUE, DAD.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> THAT'S TREY!
I'LL GET IT! I'LL GET IT! YES!
>> HI, GUYS. HOW ARE YOU? >> HEY!
>> TREY'S HOME. SO, WHERE IS ELISE?
WE WANT TO MEET HER. >> SHE'S RIGHT HERE BEHIND ME.
COME ON IN, BABY. >> HI, EVERYONE.
I'M ELISE. OH, MY GOSH, THANK YOU FOR
HAVING ME. WOW.
I LOVE YOUR HOUSE. IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> OH, WELL, THANK YOU. YOU'RE A...
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE A... TURKEY.
>> UH, A GUEST IN OUR HOME, DEAR, RIGHT?
>> YES, YES. >> COME ON, GUYS.
ELISE AND I HAVE BEEN TRAVELING ALL DAY.
LET'S HAVE SOME FOOD. >> YES, YES, SIT, SIT.
EVERYONE. YOU OKAY?
WATCH THE DOOR THERE. >> WHAT'S HAPPENING?
>> I DON'T KNOW. >> SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> YEAH. >> RIGHT?
>> OH, YOU'RE SWEET. >> OH.
>> HAVE YOU A LITTLE... >> THANK YOU.
>> IS TREY ‐‐ IS TREY DATING A TURKEY?
>> IT SMELLS WONDERFUL. WHAT ARE WE HAVING?
>> OH, TO EAT? YAMS, SOME GREEN BEANS.
>> SOME ROLLS, SOME BUTTER FOR THE ROLLS.
WHAT ELSE? >> GLAZED CARROTS!
>> AND WHAT'S UNDER HERE? >> ELISE, NO!
>> OH! >> DAD, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO
DO?! >> IT'S THANKSGIVING.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A GOD‐DANG TURKEY!
>> SOMEONE HELP ME PICK HER UP. SHE WEIGHS A TON.
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHY SHE WEIGHS A TON.
BECAUSE SHE'S MOSTLY BREAST MEAT.
HOTSY‐TOTSY! >> TODD, NO!
>> WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE AM I?
>> HAVE SOME CORN, OKAY? IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
THERE YOU GO. THERE YOU GO. GOOD.
GOOD. GOOD.
ARE YOU FEELING BETTER? YOU SCARED ME THERE FOR A
SECOND. >> YEAH, YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
HAD IT COOKED BEFORE. >> OH.
>> IT'S GOOD. YOU KNOW, I'M...I'M FINE.
I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE A SCENE.
I'M A BIG GIRL, AND I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
>> WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY. THIS IS MY FAULT.
>> NO, NO, I LOVE YOU, TREY. AND I'M HERE TO MEET YOUR
FAMILY. THIS IS A SPECIAL DAY FOR THEM,
SO LET'S ALL OF US SIT DOWN AND...
AND HAVE SOME TURKEY. >> YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS?
>> I'M POSITIVE. >> THIS WAS YOUR NEIGHBOR.
IT'S WEIRD. >> I BARELY KNEW THE GUY, SO...
>> OKAY. OKAY.
>> THIS MEAL LOOKS WONDERFUL, AND I CAN'T WAIT.
>> WELL, THANK YOU, ELISE. IT IS WONDERFUL.
AND I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.
>> I'M SURE I WILL. >> WELL, LET'S GO.
[ KNIFE WHIRRING ] >> ARE YOU OKAY?
>> I'M FINE. >> HERE GOES THE FIRST LEG!
>> YOU OKAY? >> OH, YES.
>> ELISE, YOU WANT SOME STUFFING, RIGHT?
>> NO! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
I CAN'T! I LOVE YOU, BUT I CAN'T!
GOODBYE. LOSE MY NUMBER!
>> ELISE, PLEASE COME BACK! THANKS A LOT, DAD!
>> WELL!
>> ELIZABETH, HONEY, HOW WAS SCHOOL TODAY?
>> I DON'T KNOW. [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> ELIZABETH, DID YOU ASK TAMMY IF SHE WANTED TO SLEEP OVER
TONIGHT? >> [ SIGHS ]
HEY, YO, YOU WANT TO SLEEP OVER TONIGHT?
>> FINE WITH ME, YO. [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> I RAN INTO MIKE REYNOLDS TODAY AT THE CAR WASH AND HE
TOLD ME ‐‐ >> OH, WAS KATHY THERE?
>> WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME I SPEAK, YOU FEEL THE NEED TO
SPEAK AS WELL? >> HONEY, I‐‐I JUST ‐‐
>> WHY IS THAT? >> I JUST WANTED TO KNOW ‐‐
>> WHY IS THAT? >> I JUST ‐‐
>> WHY IS THAT? WHY ‐‐ WHY IS THAT?
>> I WOULD JUST ‐‐ [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
SO, TAMMY, DID YOUR PARENTS HAVE A GOOD TRIP TO EUROPE?
>> I DON'T KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU ASK THEM?
[ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> HOW IS FIELD HOCKEY PRACTICE GOING, ELIZABETH?
>> A'IGHT. >> I'M SORRY?
>> I SAID "A'IGHT." >> I WISH YOU WOULD SPEAK
ENGLISH AT THE DINNER TABLE. >> I WISH I COULD TAKE A PIPE
TO YOUR HEAD, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? NO ONE TALKS TO ME LIKE THAT!
DID YOU HEAR ME?! [ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]
NO ONE TALKS TO PAUL LIKE THAT! I'M A DIVISION MANAGER, OKAY?
I'M IN CHARGE OF NINE PEOPLE ‐‐ BIG‐TIME STUFF!
>> YOU DON'T KNOW ME! [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> I SPOKE TO UNCLE DAN TODAY, AND HE INVITED US UP TO THE
CABIN FOR THANKSGIVING. >> OH, THAT MIGHT BE NICE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT, LIZ? >> SHUT UP, WITCH.
>> SHUT UP, BIATCH!
[ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> THEY WOULDN'T TALK LIKE RAP PEOPLE IF YOU DIDN'T LET THEM
WATCH THE MTV. >> PAUL, THAT'S UNFAIR.
>> WHY DO YOU LET THEM WATCH THE MTV?
>> PAUL, DON'T START WITH ME. >> YOU DON'T START WITH ME.
YOU LIKE IT WHEN THEY TALK LIKE RAP PEOPLE.
>> POP, POP! >> OKAY. DON'T EVER SHOOT A FAKE
GUN AT ME! [ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ]
NO MORE MTV! I WORK VERY HARD!
I'M UP EVERY MORNING AT 6:45 RIDING THE STATIONARY BICYCLE!
BIG‐TIME STUFF! [ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> [ SIGHS ] WHAT IF WE DID A FAMILY
WORKSHOP? >> WHAT IF I BUST A CAP IN YOUR
ASS?
[ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> ELIZABETH, MAYBE YOU AND TAMMY SHOULDN'T HANG OUT
TOGETHER. >> POP, POP!
[ ALL TALKING AT ONCE ] >> STOP TALKING LIKE A RAP
PERSON! STOP IT!
I'M A DIVISION MANAGER FOR A VERY IMPORTANT SOFTWARE COMPANY.
I HAVE A COVERED PARKING SPOT FOR MY MITSUBISHI GALANT!
BIG‐TIME STUFF!
>> YO, LET'S GO, T. WE OUT. WE DON'T NEED ANY OF THIS
SHIZZITY ‐‐ UGH!
>> POP, POP!
[ SILVERWARE CLINKING ]
>> I THINK IT MIGHT BE NICE TO GO SEE "K‐PAX" TONIGHT.
>> OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. I'LL ASK THE GIRLS.
And now...
Tarzan thankful for many thing‐‐
for vine that not break,
for stick that not snake,
for crocodile‐free lake,
for Jane coconut cake.
Tonto thankful for reduction of tension
between Soviet Bloc
and industrialized free market economies of West.
Also for growing awareness
of fragility of Amazon Basin ecosystem.
Also for vigorous, healthy and varied sex life.
( grunting )
Frankenstein thankful for?
Fire!
Frankenstein not thankful for fire.
Frankenstein fear fire.
Bad!
This has been...
>> YOUR GIRLS ARE BACK. >> KATE.
>> CECILY. >> SASHEER.
>> VANESSA. >> LESLIE.
>> CAMERON. >> AND YOUR LIL' BABY AIDY.
>> WE'RE HOME FOR THANKSGIVING, Y'ALL.
>> AND OUR PARENTS ARE REAL HAPPY TO SEE US.
>> SO THEY'RE GONNA TREAT US LIKE QUEENS.
>> THIS MAY BE THEIR HOUSE. >> BUT FOR THE NEXT FOUR DAYS,
WE ABOUT TO RUN THIS BITCH. >> ♪ WALK IN THE DOOR
♪ HAND MY BAG TO THE VALET ♪ IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING
♪ IT'S MY DADDY ♪ HEAD STRAIGHT TO THE FRIDGE
LIKE A BOSS, YO ♪ ♪ HELL YEAH, MY MOM WENT TO
COSTCO ♪ >> ♪ IT AIN'T MY HOUSE, BUT I'LL
TEAR IT UP ♪ ♪ GET A PLATE REAL DIRTY
♪ WON'T CLEAN IT UP ♪ THEN I ROLL UP TO THE WASHER,
LAUNDRY GAME ON LOCK ♪ ♪ GONNA DO A WHOLE LOAD FOR
JUST ONE SOCK ♪ >> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A BACK‐HOME
BALLER ♪ ♪ IF I WANT SOMETHING, I JUST
HOLLER ♪ ♪ I DO WHAT I WANT, AND I GET
WHAT I WANT ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE MY PARENTS MISS THEIR
DAUGHTER ♪ >> ♪ THIS WHOLE DAMN HOUSE IS A
SHRINE TO ME ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY HERE'S
OBSESSED WITH ME ♪ ♪ MY SECOND GRADE DRAWINGS
ARE FRAMED LIKE PICASSOS ♪ ♪ IF I SAY "MOM, TACOS"
♪ MY MOM WILL MAKE TACOS >> ♪ WE ALWAYS SEE A MOVIE,
BUT IT CAN'T BE "R" ♪ ♪ SO WE SETTLED ON
"PENGUINS OF MADAGASCAR" ♪ ♪ AND AS A NICE GESTURE,
I BOUGHT ALL THE TICKETS ♪ ♪ PSYCH! NOT A CHANCE
♪ MY DAD FRICKIN' DID IT >> ♪ WHEN MY MOM NEEDS HELP
♪ I PRETEND TO BE NAPPING ♪ EVEN THOUGH I CAN HEAR
ALL THAT IS HAPPENING ♪ ♪ IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE REALLY
NEEDS HELP IN THE KITCHEN ♪ ♪ BUT IF SHE THINKS I'M MOVING,
THEN THAT BITCH BE TRIPPIN' ♪ >> ♪ I'M A BACK‐HOME BALLER
♪ AND GRANDMA SAYS I LOOK TALLER ♪
♪ THEY WAIT ON ME LIKE I'M SICKLY ♪
♪ THAT'S THE LIFE OF A BACK‐HOME BALLER ♪
>> ♪ TAKIN' OUT THE TRASH WHILE MY NEIGHBORS SPOT ME ♪
♪ THEY SWARM AROUND ME LIKE MY OWN PAPARAZZI ♪
♪ TALKING AND STALKING ♪ THEY CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME
♪ WONDERING, QUESTIONING ♪ WHAT'S GOING ON WITH ME
>> SO WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU? >> UH, THE SAME.
OKAY, JEAN. BYE!
>> ♪ ONCE EVERYONE'S IN BED ♪ I GO INSANE
♪ HEROIN, MARIJUANA, CRACK COCAINE ARE NOT WHAT I WANT ♪
♪ I WANT CHEESE ON CHIPS ♪ AND TO PUT ON SOME VERY OLD
CREST WHITESTRIPS ♪ >> ♪ GETTIN FREE WI‐FI LIKE A
DOPE‐ASS HO ♪ ♪ THE PASSWORD STARTS WITH
17 O's ♪ ♪ THEN B‐4‐5‐L‐T‐N‐G
♪ THEN CAPITAL X THEN 3‐3‐3 ♪ THEN 1‐4‐5‐8‐T‐D‐Q
♪ AND 3‐1‐4‐N‐W >> HOLD UP.
Y'ALL DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW PIMP IT IS AT MY MOM'S HOUSE.
THAT BITCH PUTS OUT SO MANY BOWLS OF THINGS FOR ME, IT'S
INSANE. I'M UP TO MY ASS IN...
♪ BOWLS, BOWLS, ALL TYPE OF BOWLS ♪
♪ CHIPS AND MINTS AND SEASHELL BOWLS ♪
♪ MY MOM'S GOT BOWLS FOR EVERYTHING ♪
♪ POTPOURRI AND NUTS AND EVERYTHING ♪
♪ BOWL ON THE TOILET ♪ BOWL ON A SHELF
♪ BOWL OF M&Ms ♪ I CAN HELP MYSELF
♪ SHE PUTS OUT THESE BOWLS FOR ME ♪
♪ AND ANY BOWL I LIKE I GET FOR FREE ♪
>> ♪ 'CAUSE I'M A BACK‐HOME BALLER ♪
♪ IN PAJAMAS THAT COST $10 ♪ TELL MY MOTHER THAT I LOVE HER
MORE THAN ANY FREAKIN' OTHER ♪ ♪ THAT'S THE LIFE OF A BACK‐HOME
BALLER ♪ >> DAMN STRAIGHT, Y'ALL.
>> LOVE YOU, MOM AND DAD. WE OUT.
>> SEE YOU IN A MONTH FOR CHRISTMAS.
WE DOIN' THIS ALL AGAIN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, YEAH. IT'S TIME FOR "THE LADIES' MAN."
>> YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
YEAH, WHAT'S HAPPENING? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO "THE LADIES' MAN,"
THE LOVE LINE WITH ALL THE RIGHT RESPONSES TO YOUR ROMANTIC
QUERIES. I'M LEON PHELPS.
HOW Y'ALL DOIN' TONIGHT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH? GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.
I AM DOING ALL RIGHT. YOU SEE, I GOT MY COURVOISIER
RIGHT HERE. OH, YEAH.
AND, OF COURSE, I GOT MY PILGRIM'S HAT RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE TONIGHT'S SHOW IS MY
VERY SPECIAL THANKSGIVING SHOW. AND THIS IS EXACTLY HOW A
SMOOTH‐OPERATIN' PILGRIM MIGHT DRESS WAY BACK THEN IN THE
1840s, YOU KNOW? THAT IS, IF HE WANTED TO
"POKE SOME HONTAS." YOU KNOW?
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, AND I THINK YOU DO.
SO, NOW, LET'S GET INTO THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT AND TAKE SOME
CALLS, ALL RIGHT? SO, GO AHEAD, CALLER.
YOU'VE GOT THE LADIES' MAN. >> Hello, Ladies' Man.
I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time this
Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty nervous.
>> WELL, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND. YOU WANT TO GET IT ON WITH HER
MOTHER? >> No!
No, it's just I've never met them before, and it's a little
scary. >> OH, OKAY, I SEE NOW.
HOW MANY MONTHS PREGNANT IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?
>> She's not pregnant! >> WELL, THEN, HAVE YOU GIVEN
HER SOME SORT OF VENEREAL DISEASE?
>> No! >> WELL, THEN WHY ARE YOU SO
NERVOUS? YOU SOUND ‐‐ YOU SOUND LIKE A
FINE, UPSTANDING, DISEASE‐FREE YOUNG MAN.
ENJOY THE FREE MEAL. AND IF YOU GET THE OPPORTUNITY
TO DO IT WITH HER MOTHER, THEN TAKE IT, OKAY?
CHEERS AND GOOD LUCK. NEXT CALLER.
>> Hi, Ladies' Man. >> OOH, IT'S A LADY.
>> Ladies' Man, I get so lonely around the holidays.
I sometimes think about taking my own life.
>> WELL, THAT'S GOOD. >> Oh, no.
I'm lonely and miserable. >> OH, WELL, THAT IS NOT GOOD.
BUT I THINK THAT I CAN HELP. LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.
DO YOU WEIGH IN EXCESS OF 250 POUNDS?
>> No. >> WELL, THAT IS WONDERFUL,
BECAUSE YOU QUALIFY TO PARTICIPATE IN MY ANNUAL
THANKSGIVING DAY DINNER FOR ALL LADIES WHO ARE LONELY AND UNDER
250 POUNDS. I LIKES TO CALL IT
"LEON PHELPS' SKANKSGIVING DAY DINNER."
AND I HOPE THAT YOU WILL COME, BECAUSE THERE WILL BE A
DELICIOUS TURKEY‐LIKE LOAF, SUITCASES FULL OF FINE BEER, AND
MANY SKANKS, SUCH AS YOURSELF, IN ATTENDANCE, OKAY?
NEXT CALLER? >> Hey, Ladies' Man.
I don't even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year.
All my family does is fight. >> OH, NOW, DON'T SAY THAT.
YOU KNOW, THANKSGIVING IS A TIME TO PUT ASIDE ALL YOUR PETTY
ARGUMENTS AND COME TOGETHER AND ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY.
BECAUSE, BASICALLY, [ Voice breaking ] EVEN THOUGH
YOU'VE GROWN APART, YOU'RE STILL A FAMILY.
[ Crying ] AND FAMILY IS SO IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE ‐‐ >> Ladies' Man, are you all
right? >> [ SNIFFLES ]
YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT. IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU
REMINDED ME OF A THANKSGIVING FROM MY PAST, AND IT WAS NOT
GOOD. YOU SEE, I SHOT MY BROTHER
DURING THANKSGIVING DINNER. YEAH, YOU KNOW, HE WAS NOT
ACTING VERY COOL, SO I SHOT HIM WITH ONE OF THE
THREE GUNS I ALWAYS BRING TO THANKSGIVING DINNER.
HE DID NOT DIE, BUT HE NOW HAS JUST ONE ARM, OKAY?
SO ANYWAY, TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT AND TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION, I THINK YOU SHOULD TRY DOING IT IN THE BUTT.
>> What?! >> I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.
I HAVE NO IDEA. BUT I'M SURE THAT THAT ANSWER
WILL SUFFICE. I BETTER ‐‐ I BETTER TAKE
ANOTHER CALL. >> Is this The Ladies' Man?
>> YEAH, YOU GOT LEON PHELPS, THE LADIES' MAN.
>> Ladies' Man, when my wife and I stay at my parents' house for
the holidays, I find I can't perform sexually.
I‐Is there something wrong with me?
>> YEAH, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.
I MEAN, I, MYSELF, HAVE MADE LOVE MANY TIMES RIGHT IN FRONT
OF MY PARENTS, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, I ENJOYED IT, THEY
ENJOYED IT, YOU KNOW? NOW, I AM NO DOCTOR, BUT IT
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE A PENIRIAL DISEASE.
WHAT WE CALL IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION, IT'S CALLED
"SCAREDY WANG." YEAH, YOUR WANG GETS SCARED.
I SUGGEST THAT YOU GET OVER IT SOON BEFORE YOUR WIFE HOOKS UP
WITH SOMEONE WITH A MORE COURAGEOUS WANG.
NOW, I'M NOT NAMING ANY NAMES, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YEAH. OKAY, WELL, I HOPE THAT MY
COMMENTS HERE HAVE BEEN HELPFUL TO YOU.
THAT'S ALL THE TIME THAT WE HAVE ON "THE LADIES' MAN."
BUT BEFORE I GO, I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE THANKS FOR THE THINGS THAT
I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH THE MOST.
NUMBER ONE ‐‐ A SUPERIOR‐PERFORMING WANG.
THE COURVOISIER TRUCK THAT JACKKNIFED IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.
THAT WAS GOOD. AND OF COURSE, THE IRREPRESSIBLE
HUMAN ASS. YEAH.
AND AS ALWAYS, THE LADIES THAT I HAVE MADE SWEET LOVE TO THIS
YEAR. LADIES, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
AND IF YOU DON'T, HERE'S AN ALPHABETICAL LIST OF YOUR NAMES.
SO, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY.
I WILL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON "THE LADIES' MAN."
YEAH, OH, I KNOW, I REMEMBER THAT ONE.
OH, BABY, I GOT TO GIVE HER A CALL.
OH, YEAH! THERE'S A DUDE'S NAME IN THERE!
[ DISCO MUSIC PLAYING ] [ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
[ MUSIC STOPS ] >> [ Shouting ] HELLO?!
LOUD RESIDENCE! OH, HI, KEVIN!
NO. JOAN AND JEAN WENT TO THEIR FIGURE‐SKATING CLASS!
>> [ Shouting ] WHO IS IT, HONEY?!
>> IT'S KEVIN! [ LOUD LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE ]
OH, HERE THEY COME NOW, KEVIN!
HOLD ON! >> Both: [ Shouting ] HI, MOM!
HI, DAD! >> JOAN, IT'S KEVIN!
HE'S ON THE PHONE! I THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU!
>> OH, MOM! >> HI. KEVIN?!
YEAH! WELL, JEAN'S DATE WILL BE OVER
ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DON'T WE MEET HERE?!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW! WE'LL SEE!
GOODBYE! >> WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE
FINALLY GETTING DATES! YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BOTH
GOOD‐LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS
HAVEN'T BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE DOOR!
>> WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM SCARED THEM AWAY!
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! >> WELL, YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY
TIME TO OURSELVES! >> WELL, IF I GET TO KNOW THE
BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO REASON WHY WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO
BE ALONE! JEAN, WHO'S THE YOUNG MAN YOU'RE
SEEING TONIGHT?! >> HIS NAME'S RICK!
HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH! HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> COMING!
>> HI. I'M RICK PHILLIPS. YOU MUST BE MR. AND MRS. LOUD.
>> Both: THAT'S RIGHT! >> HI, RICK!
>> HI, JEAN. HI.
>> COME HERE! SIT DOWN!
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SISTER, JOAN!
>> HI! >> IT'S EASY TO TELL YOU'RE
SISTERS. >> Both: YOU THINK SO?!
>> WE DON'T REALLY LOOK THAT MUCH ALIKE OR ANYTHING!
>> I DON'T KNOW. MR. LOUD, YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE
TWO LOVELY DAUGHTERS THERE. >> WELL, IT'S A SAD STORY!
WE USED TO HAVE THREE! OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER GOT IN A SKI
ACCIDENT! >> OH. I'M SORRY.
WHAT HAPPENED? >> AVALANCHE!
BAD LUCK, I GUESS! [ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> OH, I'LL GET IT! THAT MUST BE KEVIN!
HI, KEV! >> HI, KEVIN!
>> KEVIN, THIS IS MY FRIEND RICK!
>> RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND KEVIN!
>> SORRY. I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.
SOME OF THE PLANES WERE DELAYED, AND THE GROUND CREW HAD TO WORK
OVERTIME. >> EH.
>> WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!
MR. LOUD AND I WILL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND, UH, READ!
>> GOOD NIGHT, KIDS! >> Both: GOOD NIGHT!
>> AND IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY 2:00 AND LOCK THE BACK DOOR!
>> OKAY! GOOD NIGHT, MOM!
GOOD NIGHT, DAD! >> GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN! >> GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN! >> GOOD NIGHT, MOM AND DAD!
[ FOOTSTEPS DEPART ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ] >> OH, BOY, BEVERLY!
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS ALL DAY!
>> OH, DAVE! I LOVE YOU! [ LOUD MOANING ]
>> FASTER, HONEY! COME ON!
A LITTLE BIT FASTER, HONEY! OH, FASTER!
COME ON, BABY! FASTER STILL!
>> I'M TRYING, DAVE! >> WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO
TONIGHT?! >> HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?
>> OKAY, BUT BEFORE WE GO... [ INHALES DEEPLY ]
>> HEY! THIS IS GREAT POT! >> YEAH! ONE PUFF AND I'M REALLY
STONED! [ FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING ]
>> QUICK! HIDE THAT GRASS! >> HIDE IT! HIDE IT!
>> I DON'T WANT OUR PARENTS TO KNOW WE'RE SMOKING DOPE!
>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?! >> JEAN! JOAN!
I'M ASHAMED! >> Both: UH‐OH!
>> EXCUSE ME, BOYS, BUT MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO
HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS!
>> UM... YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THIS WITH THIS
FAMILY? THEY SEEM TO TALK, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, EXTRA LOUD, LIKE REALLY, REALLY LOUD.
>> WHAT? >> FORGET IT.
>> I BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN
FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS! >> THOSE BOYS ARE OBVIOUSLY
TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I DON'T APPROVE!
>> MOM, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE I'M A CHILD!
>> WELL, YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!
>> Both: WE ARE NOT! >> Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
>> Girls: WE ARE NOT! >> Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
[ DOORBELL RINGS ] >> WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS
HOUR OF THE NIGHT?! >> UM...
EXCUSE ME, BUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA HAVE TO QUIET DOWN IN HERE.
>> OH, I'M SORRY! WHO COMPLAINED?!
>> NOBODY. I WAS DRIVING BY.
>> WELL, I'M SORRY! WE WERE FIGHTING!
WE'LL STOP! >> I, UH...HOPE YOU GOT THE
MESSAGE. >> All: GOOD NIGHT, OFFICER!
Earth wasn't created in seven days.
There are some things men will never improve on.
Don't take what you're given.
Why can't we be cleaner.
We're hungry for something different.
Crystal Gravy, you've never seen gravy like this.
>> YOU'RE WATCHING WSB/TV ATLANTA.
UP NEXT, IT'S "RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED."
♪♪♪
>> GOOD GREAT NOVEMBER MORNING, YOU GUYS!
>> YOU'RE WATCHING "RIGHT SIDE OF THE BED."
I'M GRACELYNN CHISHOLM, AND I'M HERE WITH MY HUSBAND
CORY CHISHOLM, BETTER KNOWN IN THE CHISHOLM HOUSE AS THE LIP
GLOSS THIEF. >> OHHH!
I NEED IT SO I CAN KISS ALL OVER MY WIFE'S BEAUTIFUL LIPS.
>> CORY, KNOCK IT OFF! >> I JUST CAN'T HELP IT.
CAN'T HELP MYSELF. I JUST WANT TO THROW YOU DOWN IN
A PILE OF LEAVES AND GO INSANE ON YOUR BODY.
>> CORY! >> GIVE ME!
>> CORY, WE GOT A SHOW TO DO. IT'S 9:15 A. M.
>> [ LAUGHS ] >> IT'S IN THE MORNING.
YOU'RE ALREADY LOOKING AT ME LIKE A CARTOON PORK CHOP.
>> MMM. YOU JUST MAKE ME SO HOT, I CAN'T
FOCUS ON MY JOB. [ TRILLS ]
>> OKAY, ENOUGH. IT'S OUR SPECIAL THANKSGIVING
EPISODE, AND WE HAVE A GREAT GUEST COMING UP A LITTLE BIT
LATER. FROM BUSTER'S BAYOU BUFFET,
IT'S CHEF, HUNTER, AND BUTCHER BUSTER LITTLES!
>> OH, THERE HE IS! OH, MY.
NOW, THERE IS A RUGGED MAN. >> WELL, HELLO, HELLO.
[ SPUTTERS ] I GOT SOMETHING ON MY TONGUE.
EXCUSE ME. I SAID HELLO THERE.
BUSTER LITTLES HERE. IF YOU NEED A TURKEY KILLED,
CUT, OR COOKED, YOU KNOW WHO TO CALL.
AND BY CALL, I MEAN LIKE THIS. [ CLUCKING ]
COCK‐A‐DOODLE‐DOO. [ SQUAWKS ]
[ LAUGHS ] >> OKAY, WELL, THAT WAS
SOMETHING. WE'LL BE BACK WITH BUSTER LATER
IN THE SHOW. AND I'M EXCITED TO TASTE THAT
TURKEY. >> OH! ME, TOO.
I AM GONNA STUFF MYSELF THIS THANKSGIVING 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN SO
GOOD ON MY DIET, Y'ALL. >> DIET! OH, PLEASE!
CORY, YOU ATE A TRAY OF BROWNIES IN YOUR BUBBLE BATH LAST NIGHT.
>> DIRTY LIAR! IF THAT'S SO, HOW DO I KEEP THIS
BODY HOTTY HOTTY? >> IT'S CALLED THE KARDASHIAN
WAIST TRAINER GIRDLE, AND YOU WEAR IT EVERY DAMN DAY!
>> WHAT?! UNH‐UNH!
IT IS NOT A GIRDLE! IT IS A BOYDLE, Y'ALL.
>> OKAY, ALL RIGHT. IF YOU'RE JUST JOINING US, WE
GOT A GREAT SHOW. UP LATER IS BUSTER LITTLES.
HE'S TALKING EVERYTHING TURKEY. >> OH, LOOKS LIKE HE'S ALREADY
GOT HIS FIST IN IT THERE. HEY, THERE!
>> OH, YEAH! HEY, THERE!
BUSTER LITTLES HERE! DON'T YOU GO GETTIN' SCARED,
Y'ALL. I'M JUST SPREADING A LITTLE
BUTTER AROUND INSIDE THIS TURKEY'S CAVITY.
[ CHUCKLES ] EITHER THAT OR I'M ABOUT TO DO A
PUPPET SHOW. CHECK IT OUT.
HEY, TURKEY. "YEAH, WHAT'S UP, BUSTER?"
YOU GOT ANY GOOD JOKES BEFORE I POP YOU IN THE OVEN?
"WELL, YOU KNOW I DO. WHAT WAS THE TURKEY FOR
HALLOWEEN?" WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT WAS IT? "A GOBBLIN'."
HA! WAIT A MINUTE.
I DON'T GET IT. "WELL, WHAT'S NOT TO GET?"
>> OKAY, I THINK HIS BEARD MAY HAVE EATEN HIS BRAIN.
>> MM‐HMM! >> EITHER THAT, OR HE HAS SPENT
TOO MUCH TIME IN THE BACKWOODS. >> YEAH, WELL, I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO SPEND SOME TIME IN YOUR BACKWOODS, BUT THERE'S TOO MUCH
BRUSH BLOCKING THE WAY. >> CORY!
CORY MARIE CHISHOLM! WHAT IS SHOOTING AROUND IN THAT
HEAD OF YOURS? >> HEY, I'M JUST LIKE EVERY
OTHER FOOTBALL‐WATCHING, BEER‐DRINKING, PIZZA‐EATING MAN
IN AMERICA! I LIKE TO GET SOME TAIL.
>> OH, CORY, GOOD LORD! LET'S CHECK BACK IN WITH OUR
GUEST, PLEASE! >> MM‐HMM.
>> OH, MY GOSH. HIS OVEN IS SMOKING.
>> OH. >> HEY, DARLIN'.
I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD. TURKEY FRIEND HERE, HE DON'T
FEEL SO GOOD, EITHER. "YEAH, THE ROOM IS SPINNING."
YOU ALL RIGHT? "NO."
MY TURKEY FAINTED! YOU BETTER CALL 911!
>> OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? SHEILA LEE, DID YOU CLEAN THAT
OVEN TODAY? >> OH, I SURE DID.
WITH THREE CANS OF EASY‐OFF. THAT'S MORE THAN NINE TIMES THAN
WHAT THEY SAY TO USE, SO YOU'RE WELCOME!
>> OH, MY GOODNESS. SHEILA LEE!
>> WELL, THAT'S WHY HE'S TALKING SO CRAZY.
HE'S TRIPPING ON OVEN CLEANER! >> THAT'S RIGHT.
ANYWAY ‐‐ >> [ LAUGHS ]
>> OHHH! OH, MY GOD!
YOU JUST SCARED A TINY FART RIGHT OUT OF ME!
>> HEY, LOOKY HERE! I GOT MY TURKEY FRIEND ALL
DRESSED UP FOR CHURCH! >> OH, LORD.
OUR NEXT GUEST IS SUPPOSED TO BE ED SHEERAN, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF
IT'S SAFE FOR HIM TO COME OUT. >> UNH‐UNH.
>> YEAH, IT JUST ‐‐ IT SORT OF SMELLS LIKE PETROL OR SOMETHING.
♪ HONEY, I ♪ WILL BE LOVING YOU
>> OH! OH, MY! THAT POOR GINGER FELL DOWN SO
HARD! >> OKAY, WELL, WE GOT TO GET OUT
OF THIS STUDIO AND AIR IT OUT. >> YEAH, I TELL HER TO AIR IT
OUT EVERY NIGHT. >> CORY!
>> WHAT?! [ TRILLS ]
>> HEY.
YOU TWO A REAL COUPLE? >> WHAT?
♪♪♪
>> IT'S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN ‐‐ THE HOLIDAYS.
BUT THIS SEASON, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON THE WHITE BEACHES
OF HAWAII.
INSTEAD, WHY NOT VISIT THE SUNNY, PAVED STREETS OF YOUR
HOMETOWN? THERE YOU'LL ENJOY FOUR‐STAR
ACCOMMODATIONS AT YOUR CHILDHOOD HOME.
FEATURING AN ALL‐ACCESS GYM, LOCATED CONVENIENTLY IN YOUR
ROOM, ALONG WITH A 24‐HOUR BUSINESS CENTER, ALSO IN YOUR
ROOM. [ MODEM CONNECTING ]
ENJOY LONG, LONG CONTINENTAL BREAKFASTS.
UNWIND IN FRONT OF THE DEEPEST TV EVER SOLD.
AND PAMPER YOURSELF WITH SCRATCHY, BLEACH‐STAINED TOWELS
FROM 1994. YOUR CHILDHOOD HOME OFFERS A
WIDE RANGE OF ONSITE ACTIVITIES. YOU COULD ALWAYS CLEAN OUT THIS
BOX OF STUFF OR IT'S GOING TO BE THROWN AWAY, OR PICK UP THESE
STICKS. AND OUR ATTENTIVE STAFF IS THERE
TO ASSIST YOU WITH ANYTHING THAT MAY COME UP.
WHO NEEDS SNORKELING AND PARASAILING WHEN YOU CAN CHECK
OUT THE NEW KMART? AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, CHECK
OUT THE OLD KMART, WHICH IS NOW A CLOSED MICHAELS.
OR DRIVE AROUND LISTENING TO THE ONLY C. D. YOUR MOM OWNS.
PLUS, YOUR HOMETOWN OFFERS EXOTIC DESTINATIONS FOR SMOKING
WEED, LIKE THIS SWING, THE TRAIN TRACKS,
AND MATT'S HOT TUB. IF YOU'RE UP FOR A DAY TRIP,
DRIVE ON DOWN TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL TO VISIT YOUR OLD
TEACHERS. THEN THINK, "WHY WOULD I DO
THIS?" AND LEAVE. OR GO SEE A MOVIE ‐‐ BY
YOURSELF. OH, LOOK!
IT'S SOMEONE FROM YOUR HIGH SCHOOL.
HOW FUN! SO, BOOK YOUR TICKETS TO YOUR
HOMETOWN TODAY, AND BRING HOME SOME SOUVENIRS THAT YOU'LL JUST
HAVE TO LEAVE AT THE AIRPORT. YOUR HOMETOWN ‐‐
WE'D LOVE YOU TO STAY FOR A WEEK, BUT WE'LL SETTLE FOR THREE
DAYS.
>> Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away, and if you haven't
loaded up your ipod with Turkey day music yet, then
you're in luck. Here to promote their latest
holiday‐themed album, please welcome the sexiest songwriters
I'm aware of, Garth and Kat. [ Cheers and applause ]
>> Sorry. >> Sorry.
Sorry. We're ready. >> We're here.
>> Sorry. We are here. >> Guys, did you forget you were
coming here again? >> What?
>> No! >> Forget? No!
>> Come on! >> What is he talking about?
Traffic was crazy. We were at the Empire State
Building. >> Yeah, we went all the way to
the second floor, and the views were, like, kind of fine.
>> They were, like, fine. They were fine, but we are here
now. >> That's right, and our song
that we've rehearsed is called "Directions to Grandma's House."
>> And this is a real song, that you have written and you are not
making up right now. >> No, absolutely. Look, look.
We have it on our CD. >> Yeah.
>> All right. "Directions to Grandma's House."
It's right there. Okay. I can't wait to hear it.
>> Okay. Here we go. I love this one.
>> It's pretty good. >> Okay, ready?
>> Both: One and a‐two and ‐‐ ♪ Come on, Grandma
♪ Come on, come on ♪ Come make a left
♪ Make a right ♪ And go off the interstate,
baby ♪ ♪ You got the ignition
♪ Oh, please, oh, please ♪ It's the Turkey Waltz
♪ And they covered it in tin foil ♪
♪ Who loves the tin foil? ♪ Who loves the tin foil?
♪ I said who loves >> Okay! Guys.
Guys, I'm sorry. Hang on. Hang on.
>> Thank you. >> Maybe this is my fault
because I keep having you on this show, but it just seems To
me ‐‐ don't get upset ‐‐ like you're making these songs up as
you go along. >> Really?
Did you happen to watch the Latin Grammys?
>> No, were you on it? >> No, but if you would like to
see pops of color and so many people shaking their bodies ‐‐
>> Okay, you know what? >> So good.
>> You're changing the subject. You know what?
Let me just look at this CD. okay, well, there you go.
It's a piece of bologna. >> Damn it.
>> Oh, no. That means our CD is between
two slices of bread in our lunch box.
>> [ Groans ] >> Come on, you guys.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, and I was really hoping
to hear something to help me get in the spirit.
>> Look, if you're implying that we're not professional, let me
ask you a question. How many unprofessional bands
have a full‐time backup singer? >> You guys have a backup
singer? >> Yeah.
And guess what band he used to back up.
>> Both: AC/DC! >> All right, you know what?
Let's bring him out. Please welcome our backup
singer, Jan Pockabook.
>> Hi. I'm sorry I was late. I was putting up a shelf, and i
put it up like this. >> We just ‐‐ we just did that.
>> Totally done that. >> We just ‐‐
>> Everything falls on the floor.
>> We just put it up like that. >> All right, well, I can see
why you guys are friends. Hey, are you guys gonna sing
another song? >> Yes, and this is gonna prove
once and for all that we do not make up our songs, Seth.
>> So, get ready to enjoy... >> Together: "Pilgrims Are
Always Friendly Unless They're Pushed to Their Limits, Because
There's Not One Pilgrim Who's Gonna Be Mad Forever, Right?"
>> No. >> Okay, ready?
>> Here we go. >> And one and a‐two and ‐‐
>> Together: ♪ Hey, I believe ♪ I believe that pilgrims like
to button their shirts ♪ ♪ Button their shirts
♪ In the mirror
♪ And they look at themselves
and say, "Thanksgiving is gonna come" ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪ No, no, no, no, no
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
♪ Mayflower made a big mistake ♪ ♪ Plymouth Rock is so comfy
♪ So comfy >> All right, you know what?
Okay. >> Together: ♪ It's so right
>> Enough. Enough.
[ Cheers and applause ] >> Thank you.
It's good. >> All right, guys, not only was
that not written, but why do you call him a backup singer if he
just sings with you the whole time?
>> We could ask you the same question.
>> What? Okay, I'm sorry, you guys all
have to go now. >> No, sir! Please, sir!
>> Please! We're on our knees! Have mercy! Please!
>> Please! We came all the way from
Dollywood! The food there is so good.
>> It's so good. I don't want to talk about it.
It's too yummy. >> It's so good.
>> They have these chicken sticks that you can just walk
around with and eat at your leisure.
>> So good. >> You guys said you were at the
Empire State Building, and you said you were putting up a
vertical shelf. >> Uh, Seth, guess what, man ‐‐
don't sweat the small stuff. >> Okay, buddy.
>> Okay, our last song has music, so you're gonna know that
we worked hard on this. >> Great.
>> This is called "Delicious Memories."
>> Perfect. [ Mid‐tempo music plays ]
>> Together: ♪ If the Turkey Is a‐cookin', then I'm a‐comin'
runnin' ♪ ♪ I love it
♪ I won't lie ♪ I need a fork and a plate and
a pretty date, and a slice of pumpkin pie ♪
>> So far, so cute. >> Together: ♪ But there's a
blindfold ♪ ♪ There's a blindfold on top of
the cornucopia ♪ ♪ Cornucopia
Say what? That's not the right theme.
Yes, it is. ♪ Oh, b‐b‐b‐b‐Baby
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪ Pass the mashed potatoes
I'm allergic. I'm allergic.
Wait a minute. >> Garth and Kat and Jan,
everybody.
>> CRISP WEATHER, THE CRACKLE OF LEAVES UNDERFOOT, CUDDLING UP IN
YOUR FAVORITE SWEATER. FALL IS OFFICIALLY HERE, WHICH
MEANS IT'S FINALLY TIME TO ENJOY ALL THOSE UNIQUE LEAF‐FALL
FLAVORS AND SCENTS, EVERYWHERE FROM YOUR COFFEE TO YOUR
CANDLES. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR FEMININE
PRODUCTS?
FROM THE MAKERS OF SUMMER'S EVE COMES AUTUMN'S EVE
PUMPKIN SPICE DOUCHE ‐‐ THE FIRST INTIMATE‐CARE WASH WITH
ALL THE BOLD, SPICY FLAVORS OF FALL, BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS
"CLEAN" LIKE WARM, GOOEY PUMPKIN AND HOT, ITCHY CINNAMON.
>> FINALLY, MY INTIMATES CAN HAVE THAT WARM, INVITING SCENT
THAT REMINDS YOU OF YOUR MOM. MY HUSBAND LOVES IT.
>> THANKS TO AUTUMN'S EVE, NOW MY PERSONAL AREA CAN SMELL LIKE
THANKSGIVING ALL SEASON LONG, AND THAT'S SOMETHING WE CAN ALL
BE THANKFUL FOR. >> WHY SHOULD YOUR MOUTH HAVE
ALL THE FUN? [ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHTER ] >> SO, HURRY OVER TO YOUR LOCAL
PHARMACY OR FARMSTAND AND PICK UP AUTUMN'S EVE PUMPKIN SPICE
DOUCHE. [ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
AUTUMN'S EVE ‐‐ FROM THE MAKERS OF SAINT PATRICK'S EVE SHAMROCK
DOUCHE AND CHRISTMAS EVE PEPPERMINT DOUCHE.
>> OOH!
(Musicbox playing)
(Cheers and applause)
♪It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,♪
♪a beautiful day for a neighbor.♪
♪Would you be mine?
♪Could you be mine?
♪I've always wanted to live in a house like yours my friend.♪
♪Maybe when nobody's home, I'll break in.♪
♪It feels really good to walk streets again after being♪
♪in jail doing 7 to 10.
♪Would you be mine? Want to be mine?♪
♪I wish you were my neighbor.
(Laughter and applause)
Hello boys and girls.
I just came back from the grocery store.
You know a dollar doesn't buy what it used to anymore.
That's why it pays to be a careful shopper nowadays.
You know, 10 years ago, this little bag of groceries would
have cost $5.00.
But today, $46.79.
Wow, that's a lot of money boys and girls,
especially for a lady who can only afford to give me a quarter
to carry this to her car.
(Laughter)
I felt so bad for her, I carried the rest of the way
to my apartment for free.
(Laughter)
to my apartment for free.
(Laughter)
She learned that $46.00 worth of groceries
is worth more than 25 stinking cents.
(Laughter)
Let's see what we bought today boys and girls.
(Soft laughter)
You know, groceries are an essential part
of today's food supply, to stay healthy and fast on your feet
like Mr. Robinson,
you need lots of nutrition.
(Soft laughter)
See, nu trit ion.
(Laughter)
Someone screwed up boys and girls.
This word is supposed to say nutrition.
(Laughter)
Every day you should try to eat something from each
of the seven basic food groups, like milk and dairy products.
Fruit drinks and other liquids.
(Laughter)
Sandwiches.
(Laughter)
Frozen foods.
(Laughter)
Meat and meat by products.
(Laughter and applause)
Tuna fish so that your body gets enough oil.
(Laughter)
And finally expensive foods.
You don't have to be rich to eat fancy meals,
not if you're a comparison shopper like Mr. Robinson.
This Turkey has the same amount of nutrition as a T bone steak
but if you compare the two packages like I did,
you'll see the steaks fits under your clothes a whole lot easier.
(Loud laughter and applause)
You try walking out of the supermarket
with one of these inner joys, little boys and girls,
and you learn today's other new word,
(Laughter)
We already learned the word up here.
Prosecuted as the one we got to look out for though.
(Knocking on door)
Open up Robinson.
I know you're in there.
(Laughter)
Why, it's our old friend Mr. Landlord.
Let's find out what he wants.
(Laughter)
(Speaking loud) What do you want, man?
(Laughter)
Some cops want to ask you about a bag of groceries.
Open up, Robinson.
(Laughter)
Another important thing about groceries boys and girls who
is that they have to be kept in a cool, dry place.
Too much heat make them spoil and right now,
it's a bit too hot at Mr. Robinson's apartment.
(Laughter)
So I'm going to put all of these in a bag and go find a place
that's much cooler like maybe Willy's.
His place it's real cool.
(Laughter)
His place it's real cool.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll come back tomorrow♪
♪when the coast is clear.
Goodbye boys and girls.
(Cheers and applause)