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(rooster crowing)
(gentle music)
(rooster crowing)
(gun firing)
- Noisy bleeder.
(rooster crowing)
(gun firing)
(glass smashing)
(shouting)
(upbeat piano music)
(groaning)
(upbeat music)
(coughing)
(upbeat music)
- Right, where's my dinner money?
- We haven't got any.
You'll have to make do with sandwiches.
- I can't go all day without proper dinner.
- We can't afford two hot meals a day.
We're not earning it. We'll have to economise.
- The bleeding horse gets his dinner.
- Well that's different. He's more important than you are.
- Thank you very much.
- [Albert] Gotta keep him healthy.
If he packs it in, we've had it.
- Why don't you stop smoking that horrible tobacco?
Even stinks the yard out.
- It's the only enjoyment I get outta life.
They're the cheapest they've got.
- It smells like it.
Horse manure and bus tickets.
- I can't afford anything else.
We've had a lot of bills lately.
- Now look, you, I've got...
I am not interested.
Broke or not, if there is no meat for me on the table
when I come in tonight, I'm warning you,
the horse is going out with one leg missing
tomorrow, all right?
And no secret eating before I get home.
We shall eat together in full view of each other.
In future, I wanna see every little forkful that goes
down that horrible little grub tunnel of yours, understand?
Good morning, Pater.
Don't call me at the office. I shall be in conference.
(calling horse)
Have a good day in the garden, Father.
Get Jenkins to prune the elms, will you?
- If you brought home some good stuff for a change,
we might earn a decent living.
- Cobblers.
- And look after that horse.
(upbeat light music)
(children shouting)
(upbeat light music)
(shouting)
- Woohoo, stop.
Up here!
Woohoo, up here.
Come on up.
- In here, love?
Right.
(upbeat light music)
(children shouting and playing)
(upbeat light music)
- For your horse.
It's a carrot.
Don't forget to give it to him, will you?
And I'll have another one for him next week, bye-bye.
Oh, would you mind posting these letters for me, please?
Thank you.
(door closing)
(upbeat light music)
(horse whinnying)
- No no no, I'll take half.
(upbeat light music)
- [Boy] Are you the rag and bone man?
- No, I'm Aristotle Onassis.
Missus over there getting a packet of fags.
- My mum says if you want my dad's clothes
you can come and get them.
- Oh God, what floor?
- In there.
- Oh, that's all right then.
Come on.
(children shouting and playing)
- He's here, Mum.
- [Mum] Hello.
- Good morning.
(children shouting and playing)
- I've seen you round here before, haven't I?
- Yes, I do come round this way quite often.
- Yeah, so I've noticed.
- I believe you have some old clothes for me?
- Yeah, come in.
(children shouting)
Come on, you lot. Get out.
Get out. I've got business to do.
I said out! Clear out.
(footsteps running)
Children are a bit of a trial, aren't they?
- I don't know. I aint got any.
- Oh.
- I'm not married.
- Oh, now then, where were we?
- Clothes.
- Oh yes, my husband's.
- Don't he want them then?
- No, he's dead.
- Oh.
I'm most terribly sorry.
- I didn't know what to do with them, you see.
I was gonna sling them out, and then I saw you out there.
- I do pay the best prices.
- I thought to myself, poor man, he must be freezing.
- It is a bit parky, but I'm used to it.
- Parky? You're chilled to the bone.
What you need is a stiff drink inside you.
- I really better not. I should be getting along.
- Would you mind?
Now then,
can you see anything you like?
I know, a nice drop of brandy.
Put them down anywhere.
There.
Well, by the side of you,
and on the top of you,
and underneath you.
And right inside you.
(glasses clinking)
- Now about the clothes.
- Oh, there's plenty of time for that.
- There isn't.
I've got the horse outside without the brake on.
If I could just see the clothes.
- Well all right then.
They're just in here.
(door closing)
- No no, ma'am, I've gotta feed the horse.
- Well he can have his oats later.
Here they are.
And, uh,
you can take the lot.
- Yes, it's very nice quality. I can take all of this.
(crying)
If it upsets you selling all his gear, I'll put it back.
- No no.
I want you to have them.
It's just that it gets so lonely being a widow.
- Does it?
- It's the nights that are the worst.
- Yeah, I'm sure.
Hang on, it's only just lunchtime.
- Please don't go. Stay with me.
- I'm very flattered, madam, but--
- I need you company, see.
You've got such a kind face.
My husband, he was such a brute.
He used to beat me.
- The swine.
- Yes.
(shouting)
Stay with me. Stay with me just for a little.
- The kids'll be here in a minute.
(gasping)
Who's that?
- Him.
- He's dead.
- Well I told you he was.
- Yeah, but God blimey, not this morning!
- No, yesterday.
- That don't make it any better, do it?
- He was a pig.
- And you was willing to, in here, with me,
while he was--
Okay, out of here.
- No, hold on.
Look, that's a good suit he's got on him.
Won't take me a minute to get it off him.
- You can't bury him naked.
- No, I'll put one of the others on him.
I mean, it's a shame to waste it. It come from Cecil G's.
- I don't want it.
I don't want none of them!
Look, I'm a a rag and bone man. I'm not a poxy grave robber.
- Oh.
What are you bleeding grinning at?
(groaning)
(rooster crowing)
(light music)
(chickens clucking)
(light music)
(chicken squawking)
(light music)
(sniffing)
(light music)
- York?
York?
- York.
Oh!
- Who the hell do you think you are, Dick Turpin?
Poor old stag.
- That poor old stag. Never mind about poor Harold.
Three solid days on the road.
- You was driving. He was pulling.
- Don't matter about me. Sleeping in fields, nothing to eat.
- That's not my fault.
I had your dinner ready.
- A Bombay shiv would have left more on it than that.
- I was hungry.
- You just couldn't save me any, could you?
- If that vet finds out that you've damaged that horse,
I'm warning you.
Walking him all that way.
Must be close on 200 miles.
- What'd you expect me to do,
put him in the car, pull him myself?
- You coulda put him on the train.
- Oh yes, intercity, first class.
Ooh, the horse would have liked that.
Oh yes, sitting back there with his feet crossed.
Doing the Times crossword.
- I'm talking about, like, people put their cars on trains.
- You're lucky it wasn't one of them French lorries.
We might have ended up in Marseilles.
I wish we had a done.
I coulda flogged the horse to some restaurant owner,
and stayed there.
Ooh, all of that unmarried romper,
lying on the beach, sizzling in the hot sun (laughs).
Come on. Let's go see this precious pet of yours.
- How is he, Doctor?
- I've given him a thorough examination.
There's no doubt about it. He's lame.
I'm afraid he's strained his heart as well.
- That's you, lad. You've ruined him.
- I wouldn't say that.
Providing he does nothing strenuous, there's not reason
why he should live for several more years.
Give him one of these, three times a day after meals.
Plenty of rest, that's what he needs.
My bill.
- Yeah.
Oh, our accounts department will take care
of that at the end of the month.
- What's going to happen to him, Harold?
- You know very well what's going to happen to him.
Poor old Tibble.
He'll have to be put down, I suppose.
- Put down?
- Yeah.
Well, what else can we do?
We gotta have a new horse, haven't we?
Without any horse, we're knackered.
We got nothing. We might as well be put down with him.
Wallop, wallop, wallop!
Well we've gotta be practical.
- How much you gonna ask for him then?
30 pieces of silver?
Oh please, Harold, don't do it.
After all he's meant to us, he deserves better than that.
Every time I go into that supermarket and see
all them stacks of tin dog food, I'll think of him.
- Yeah, I never thought of it like that.
(horse nickering)
- He's going to live out his natural span.
- [Harold] Oh don't get sloppy.
- Goodbye, old son.
I'll come and see you on the green lawn every week.
- Sure you don't wanna move in with him?
Oh come on, Dad, don't hang it out.
- Cheerio. See you next week.
Give him a pat, Harold.
- Cheerio.
(light music)
(horse whinnying)
Look, he's not too old for that, is he?
(upbeat music)
- Look at him. He'll be dead in a week.
- I think he's going to be happy, Harold.
(horse whinnying)
(coughing)
(muttering)
(coughing)
- I wish you'd stop smoking those horrible, stinking fags.
You should be declared a one-man pollution area.
- That's it. That's the lot.
Me life savings, 89 pounds.
- As much as that? Your life savings, 89 quid.
That's about 22 bob a year. That is a remarkable growth.
Here, you must tell me the name of your merchant bankers.
Have you ever thought of going public?
- It's better than a kick up the arse.
- Which is exactly what I feel like giving you.
- Nine pounds for emergencies,
and 80 pounds for a new horse.
We'll go down to Southall Market, but we're not giving it
away on a load of old rubbish.
Ooh!
- [Auctioneer] 74, 74, 74 pounds the bid.
(crowd chattering)
75, 75, 75,
76, 76, 76 pounds the bid.
At 77, 77, 77 pounds.
- Young, strong, good legs.
Nice big shoulders.
- Look, I'm the one that has to drive it.
I know what we want.
- I'm only telling you.
There's a good one over there.
- Suppose you'd like to buy the bleeding thing.
- [Albert] No, no, I'll leave it to you.
- I'm not completely daft, you know.
I don't know much, but I do know about horses.
- I know you do.
- Well just trust me for once in your life!
- All right, all right.
- I mean, God blimey, you still like to put my money
down my glove when I go down the road
to buy a bottle of Guinness for you.
Look, all I gotta do is pick out a nice, clean animal,
put the money down and bring it home.
- I know.
- There's hundreds of animals here.
We've got to have our pick.
- I know you can.
- Well then.
- It's just important we buy the right one.
- I know it is. That is what I'm saying.
- All right then.
- Right.
(horse whinnying)
There's a nice one over there.
- Why don't you mind your own business?
I am not buying an animal with you here.
Now go home. Hop it.
Ooh, you irritate me.
Go on, get off home.
- I wanna stop here.
- If you don't let me buy this horse on my own,
I'm packing it in, I'm finished.
Now I mean it.
- There's a lotta twisters round here, Harold.
- Go home!
(horse whinnying)
- There's a nice one over there.
- Get out of here.
Go on, go on, go on!
Go on, out.
- I wanna still be here.
- Go on, get out. Go on!
- [Auctioneer] 126,128.
- Hi, Harold.
- Hello, Frankie, how are you?
- Fine. Are you looking for a new animal?
- Yeah.
- Got just the one for you.
- Yeah?
Is it a bit (laughs)?
(group laughing)
("God Save the Queen" instrumental music)
(television beeping)
- Where the bleeding hell is he?
(Harold shouting)
(items clattering)
Harold, is that you, Harold?
- Yes, yes, tis I, tis I.
♪ Hello, little Daddy, barefoot days ♪
♪ When we were just 16 ♪
- You're drunk!
- Yes, I'm drunk.
In barefoot days, drunk with power and success
in the barefoot days (laughs).
- If you spent all that money on--
- Ah, ah, ah ah, fear not, little Dad.
The family fortunes is intact.
Meet Hercules the Second.
(light music)
(dog whining)
- What's that?
Greyhound! Oh my God!
(light music)
- A greyhound. A bleeding greyhound.
- Ooh.
Dad, please don't shout.
- We want your head is examined.
- I wish I could have it changed at the moment.
Oh God, God, God.
- How can he pull the cart?
- Strangely enough, that is not the role
I had in mind for him.
Now, if you will sit down quietly, I will explain.
- Don't bother, just tell me where you got him
and I'll take him back.
(kettle whistling)
- Take it off, take it off.
I bought him off of Frankie Barrow.
- Frankie Barrow?
The Godfather of Shepherd's Bush?
- No he's not. He's straight now.
- Don't give me that.
He's got as many fiddles going as the London Philharmonic.
Oh well, that's it then. We've had it.
Surprised that dog even managed to walk round here.
- There's nothing wrong with him.
He's in perfect nick.
- That's where I thought Frankie Barrow was.
Oh, why did you do it, Harold?
Our last 80 quid.
- 80 quid?
You don't think I'd pay 80 quick for a greyhound, do you?
- Oh well that's something anyway.
How much did you pay for him?
- 200.
- 200!
- 200! 40 pound down, the rest at the end of the month!
- 200!
- He's a champion greyhound, Dad.
We'll pick up more than that on the first race.
Did I bring a bag home with me last night?
- Oh God, not a woman as well.
- A shopping bag.
- Yeah, you left it here.
- You should see his pedigree, Dad.
Frankie Barrow showed it to me.
He's descended from Mick the Miller.
- I don't care if he's descended from Max Miller.
You shouldn't have done it.
We're right up the creek now.
That's enough for me.
How many are you having?
- They're not for you. They're for him.
That's his breakfast.
- Six eggs?
- And a pound of steak.
- A pound of steak?
- It's protein, see.
Keeps him strong, makes him run faster.
After a couple of races,
we'll be eating like that ourselves.
- You're my son!
Here, you can't give a dog steak!
- You put that down! You put that down!
(dog growling)
You don't buy a Rolls-Royce and run it on paraffin.
- Give us a bit.
- No!
- He mightn't like it all.
- Well if he leaves any, you could have a bit.
- We can't afford to feed him like that every day.
- We can't afford not to, Dad.
That is not just an ordinary dog.
That is our passport out of this dump,
into Bierritz, for tea.
- I could be doing with mine off the floor at the moment.
Look at him. He's wolfed the lot.
- Good, good, I mean, that shows there's
nothing wrong with his appetite.
- Oh, well, there's no time like the present.
The sooner we get to racing him,
the sooner we start that world cruise.
I shall give him a trial.
Tomorrow.
- Ee! Harold!
- What's the matter?
- He's done it up me leg.
- That's so's he'll know you again (laughs).
It's just a friendly gesture.
- Is it?
Well he better watch out when I want to go.
(light music)
- Here they come.
Oh, look at him. Oh, don't he look well trained?
Oh, you can see that.
Look, look, he's cool. Aint nervous at all.
He's not worried, because they're born to it, you see.
I mean, it's bred in them. It's genetics.
Oh, cheer up. Come on, what's your...
Hey, look at the old cheek. Look at it.
And the bird's not bad neither.
(dogs barking)
(crowd cheering)
(light music)
(laughing)
(light music)
- I told you, he's a wanker.
You'd buy anything, wouldn't you?
If anybody ever tries to sell you a talking parrot,
you better look for a tape recorder stuffed up its Khyber.
- Oh, thank you.
You can't win them all.
- No, you can't.
- Hello, Harold. Having a few teething troubles?
- If I was 30 years younger,
you'd be having some teething troubles.
You knew he wouldn't win.
You give us back our money, you twist,
or we'll have the law on you.
- You shut your mouth, old man.
- Leave this to me, Father.
Look, Frankie, although my Pater has somewhat
crudely overstated our case, I do feel
that in the essence what he says is most valid.
Namely that we've been ripped off.
However, I am prepared, under the circumstances,
to hand over the dog to you in return for our money back.
And we'll say no more about it. How does that sound?
- Very reasonable.
I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do.
- Yeah?
- You keep the dog. - Yeah?
- And I'll keep the money you already paid me.
- Yeah.
- And if the balance, i.e. 160 sheets,
is not forthcoming by Saturday a week,
me and my colleagues'll be around beating on your drum
with the Wilkinsons freshly stropped, kck.
How does that sound?
- Very nasty.
- Saturday a week, all right?
Come, gentlemen.
- Oh my God.
Saturday a week.
No horse, no income, dog that won't run.
We can't do it, Harold.
I'm frightened. I'm too old to be sliced up.
- Oh, come on.
Now look, no one's gonna slice you up.
We'll get the money.
Dumb me. We're trying it ourselves.
All we gotta to do is to train it to run
after a silly little rabbit.
That can't be difficult.
Just a little patience, that's all we need.
(upbeat light music)
- Come on. Ready, steady, go!
(upbeat light music)
(screaming)
(glass smashing)
(upbeat light music)
(register opening)
- Yeah, that's a nice bit of meat.
Yeah, I like that cut. Show us.
Yeah, very nice.
How much?
- Two pounds 50, sir.
(sneezing)
- Oh.
Sorry about that.
How much did you say?
- Two pounds 50, sir.
- I don't want it.
- What do you mean you don't want it?
- Can't afford it.
Give us a half a pound of sausages.
- You're not going to put that meat back, are you?
He just coughed all over it.
- Yes, I know, madam.
- If you try to sell that,
I shall report you to the health authorities.
- I'll give you 35p.
- 50.
- 37 and a half.
- Hope you enjoy it, sir.
- Oh it's not for me. It's for the dog.
Afternoon, ladies.
(muttering)
(upbeat light music)
(dog barking)
(upbeat light music)
- Hercules?
Hercules The Second, stop! Hercules!
Stop, Hercules!
Hercules!
(upbeat light music)
Hercules?
(upbeat light music)
(shouting)
(upbeat light music)
(wings flapping)
(light music)
Hercules!
I've lost my dog.
Hercules!
(light music)
(sniffing)
(light music)
Hercules, Hercules (cries).
(light music)
(slurping)
- Your dinner's in the oven.
What's the matter with you?
- We've lost him.
He's gone.
- Who?
- Hercules the Second. He's run away.
I'm sorry, Dad. It's all over.
- He's not gone. He's upstairs in bed having a kip.
- Oh geez.
- Came tearing in here like a blue-arse fly.
Four o'clock this afternoon.
- When?
- Four o'clock.
- He couldn't have done.
He didn't run away till 10 till...
Just a minute.
How far is Eckham Park?
- Five miles?
- Five miles, in 10 minutes?
He must have broken a world's record.
He can run! Dad, he can run!
I told you, he can run!
All we've gotta do is teach him
to come out of the trap, and we're in.
He can run! He can run!
(upbeat light music)
(shouting)
(upbeat light music)
- Ready?
Go.
(upbeat light music)
Come on, come on!
Faster. Come on, come on.
Move it, faster!
Here you go!
Go around again, go around again!
You're too slow, too slow!
It's supposed to be a rabbit, not a bleeding snail.
Here you are now! Here you go again, off!
(shouting angrily)
Out!
Out! Come on, will you come out?
Please come out!
Chase the rabbit.
Chase the rabbit! Chase the rabbit!
(shouting angrily)
I don't understand it.
All dogs chase things surely.
We know he can run.
Look, that is a rabbit.
You're supposed to chase it. You're a dog.
Let's go.
Seize it.
Over there, you daft pillock.
What's the matter, you blind or something?
That's it.
I'll bet that's it.
He can't see a bleeding thing.
- Get those on you, here.
Let me get your ears over. That's right.
Now, how's that?
(Harold growling)
See anything?
No.
Oh, try another pair, shall we?
Here, how about these ones?
These are nice, they're gold.
(Harold growling)
How about these then? Oh, that's a lovely frame.
Yeah, and it matches your coat.
(Harold growling)
(dog barking)
- They're the ones!
You'll be unbeatable! You can see!
- They won't let him race wearing glasses.
- Not glasses, contact lenses.
- Ready?
Go!
(upbeat light music)
Go, boy!
He's got it, he's got it!
He's about to do it!
(bicycle crashing)
If you ruined that dog, I'll murder you.
(moaning)
(crowd chattering)
- There you are, mate. Converted for North Sea gas, that is.
Three hundred and eighty quid on you, right on the nose.
Eight to one. You rest now.
Massage the wallets. Give them an airing.
It's all beautiful stuff.
From the consumer to the consu...
Oh, sir, oh yes, how very elegant.
Madame, that is the fashion, you see.
Send the vent straight up the back.
Have you seen the label?
That's Seville Row, that is.
As worn by John Mills in Ryan's Daughter.
Beautiful fit, sir.
Oh, lovely pair of wrist cutters, darling, 25p to you.
Have a word with the old man inside.
Oh, Miss, very elegant.
- Just like me mum used to wear.
- Oh (laughs). Would you like to try it on?
- Don't mind, but where?
- In the stable.
- All right, come on.
- You forgot.
(crowd chattering)
- [Albert] Harold, Harold!
- I won't be a minute, darling.
Just make yourself comfortable.
(crowd chattering)
Now, what do you want?
- Bleeding locusts, they're buying the lot.
- That's the idea.
Ooh, you've done well there.
You keep up the good work.
- Harold, don't sell everything.
This is our lot. We won't have anything left.
- Not when that dog comes in at eight to one
with this little lot on him.
We'll have all new stuff.
There you go, sir.
That's it, keep on, genuine antiques. It's a fire sale.
Don't sell the telly. It's a loaner.
- Do you mind? That's mine.
- All right, miserable old bastard.
(screaming)
- That was my tea, you silly old cow.
(laughing)
(dramatic music)
(crowd chattering)
(group shouting)
- 80 pound to go on Hercules.
- Was that on Hercules?
- Yeah.
- They're betting on him. They're betting on him!
- No, don't bet it all.
Pay Frankie Barrow his hundred and 60.
- No, let's do the lot, sick old bastard.
2,400 pound.
Pay back with our winnings. 2,400 quid.
- What if we lose it?
- 2,000 pound to win, number one.
(crowd chattering)
23, two and five, my lucky number.
(crowd chattering and shouting)
Excuse me, mate, make way for an owner.
Excuse me, I'm an owner.
This is it, Dad. This is it.
- [Barker] I'll take six to five.
Six to five.
- You're like a baby with that.
You don't need it. Just pull it out.
- But I'm nervous, Harold.
(dogs barking)
(bell ringing)
(crowd cheering)
(dog whining)
- I think he wanted a cigarette.
(light music)
- Bad luck, Harold.
My friends and I'll be coming round in three days.
(tyres squealing)
(engine racing)
- And when they come round,
we won't be coming round for three weeks.
(light music)
- I knew no good'd come of it.
You and your get rich quick schemes.
They never work, and they never will.
And do you know why?
- No, why?
- Because the only way to get on in this world
is by hard work, and that's something
you're not prepared to do.
- Not prepared to do?
I've worked my knackers off,
ever since the day I left school!
14 hours a day, seven days a year, 52 weeks of the year.
And for what?
243 quid I'm minus.
And 36 stitches to come.
- We would have been all right if you hadn't
put it all on that daft dog.
He's as useless are you are.
Hard work, that's the only way to make money.
- Cobblers.
You don't think all them rich Herberts up in the city
made all their millions out of hard work, do you?
No, brains, mate, they use their brains.
- Oh, well that lets you out.
You can't use what you aint got.
- I'll give you something I've got in a minute.
- You wouldn't dare.
Go on, hit me.
It wouldn't be the first time.
That's what the world's come to,
a son striking his father.
I'm only glad your mother's not here.
- I'll be you are.
You woulda got one from her as well.
Yes, it's all right, I'm coming (clicks tongue).
- You don't give a goldfish birdseed.
- That's all we got. It's either that or nothing.
Besides, we might make a fortune out of him.
Charlie, the musical goldfish.
You've always had money way before.
You sure you haven't forgotten anywhere?
- There isn't any, Harold, I swear.
(screaming)
There's nothing there, Harold.
- You've got such a bloody awful memory.
Three years ago, I found 40 quid
stuffed on the bear's ankle.
You forgot they were there.
- Believe me, Harold, I don't have a penny left.
You've had it all, every copper coin.
It's all gone.
(groaning)
Harold.
Harold, I tell you, it's hopeless.
I've nothing left in the world, except me insurance policy.
- Oh, God, what have I put my hand in.
What policy?
- Oh, didn't I tell you?
It was one your mother made me take out when we got married.
1,000 quid, in case I snuffed it and left her with nothing.
She was always like that, greedy.
God rest her soul.
Funny, isn't it?
After all these years of working, scrimping and scraping,
here I am, worth more dead than alive.
(light music)
What are you looking at me like that for?
- Yes, you are, aren't you?
- What?
- Worth more dead than alive.
- Harold.
Harold.
- I never realised.
(screaming)
(light mysterious music)
- Keep away from me.
Harold.
Don't be silly, Harold.
- Of course, that's the answer.
- I'll get a job. We'll do all right.
I'll give up smoking. I won't cost much.
I don't mind birdseed. I'll get used to it.
- You've got to die, Dad.
- You'll never get away it. You're mad.
You can't do it. I'm your father!
- 1,000 quid, plus profits.
Got to be with profits. It is with profits, isn't it?
Are you all right?
Here, come and sit down.
- Don't kill me, Harold, Please, don't kill me.
Put me in a home, do what you like, but don't kill me.
- What are you talking about? I'm not going to kill you.
- You said, you said--
- Come on, Dad, what sort of bloke do you think I am?
I just said you've got to die.
I don't mean really die.
We gotta pretend you're dead.
- You can't do that, Harold.
You can't pretend you're dead. It's against the law.
And cheating the insurance company, that's even worse.
- You're not cheating them. You're entitled to it.
You'll just be getting it a little bit earlier, that's all.
That's basic. You aint got long to go, have you?
It's no good to you when you're dead.
- It'll go to you, Harold.
- Well there you are then. It's mine, and I want it now.
We're in debt up to our ear holes,
and we won't have any ear holes left after Saturday.
We need money, lots of it, so you've got to die.
- It'd never work.
- Give me one good reason why not.
- I can't just disappear and you say I'm dead.
They wouldn't stand for that.
You've got to have a death certificate.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- And to have a death certificate,
you've got to have a body.
That's the law. Habeas corpus.
(mysterious music)
- Come here.
Come here.
- Get out of it. It's not even like me.
- It will be.
It will be.
(phone ringing)
(phone beeping)
- Hello, Fred. It's Harold.
- [Fred] Who?
- Harold Steptoe.
Listen, Fred, does old Dr. Popplewell still drink with you?
- I'd close if he didn't.
- Is he there now?
- Yeah, he's here now.
- Could you ask him to come to the phone?
- [Fred] I could ask him, but he'd never make it.
- Can't you carry him over?
- [Fred] Hang on.
- Thanks.
- Dr. Popplewell, the drunk? The one that delivered you?
He's not still doctoring, is he?
- Yeah, he always said he'd work till he fell done.
- He's always falling down, isn't he?
- Exactly.
And he's got the worst eyesight I've ever seen.
- Yeah, that's right.
He wears them great, big, thick pebble glasses.
- Ah, I don't think he can see as far as the lens.
- [Doctor] You wanted the services of a physician?
- Hello, Dr. Popplewell?
- [Doctor] This is he.
- You're pissed as a fart.
- Oh, that's most kind, a large gin and tonic.
- Doctor, could you call round?
It's my father. He's collapsed.
I think it's his heart.
- [Doctor] His cart?
- No no, his heart.
- [Doctor] What's the address?
- 26A Oil Drum Lane.
- [Doctor] 26 Oil Drum Lane.
- When can you come round?
- [Doctor] Sometime tonight.
- I see.
- [Doctor] Do you think he'll last till closing time?
- What time do they close then?
- [Doctor] Same time they've always bloody well closed.
I'll be round as soon as I can.
- Thank you, Doctor.
Dad, I think your habeas is just about
to become very corpeus.
(upbeat light music)
- On your back!
- Mind it for a minute there.
- It'll come off.
Ah yes, very death-like.
- No joints in it. I can't bend me legs.
- I don't want you to bend your legs.
You're not supposed to be moving. You're dead.
- Here! - What?
- It hasn't got any what's-its.
- Well you've had a heart attack.
He won't be looking at your what's-its.
He won't notice when we get your clothes on.
It will have your covers on it.
Shut your eyes, hold your breath.
Perfect, not a movement.
That'd fool Dr. Barnard, that would.
I think it's going to work.
(sneezing)
If you do that when the doctor's here,
you won't be pretending you're dead.
(shrieking)
(car crashing)
He's here.
(engine revving)
(car crashing)
(light music)
Oh, doctor, you arrived.
- Hello.
It's a long time since I've been to this house.
I had a spot of bother parking the car.
- Yes, I heard. But don't worry.
It's all right.
- What's wrong with you?
- It's not me. It's my father.
- Your father?
Is he still alive?
- I'm not sure.
- Well, we shall see. Where is he?
- Upstairs.
- Upstairs. Oh dear.
Well.
- Ah ah ah. No.
- Oh, there it is, there it is.
(muttering)
- There we go.
(gasping)
You all right?
- Can you see an animal in here?
A large rat with a number on its back.
- Oh, that's our greyhound.
- Oh, thanks be to God for that.
- No.
- What?
Oh.
Oh, it's him.
What's his name?
- Steptoe.
- Yeah, that's the one.
The heart, you said.
- Yes, he always had a weak heart.
- You better get the brandy up here right away.
- Right.
- Oh, there we go.
Thank you.
Cheers.
Now, when did this happen?
- About two hours ago.
- Pardon.
- About, about two hours ago.
He was saying he wasn't feeling very well.
Then, suddenly, he collapsed, clutching his heart.
And he said, oh my heart.
- It sounds like his heart to me.
- Would you like to have a drink?
- Pardon.
- Have a drink?
- Oh, thank you.
There's no pulse.
- Oh my God, he's gone. He's dead!
Oh no, what happened?
- Quick, open his coat and shirt.
Quick!
Coat and shirt.
Did he move that time?
- I don't think so.
- I could've sworn he moved.
- He can't moved.
He's dead.
- Well, not necessarily.
- Perhaps the bed, not very steady.
- We may still be in time.
He's as stiff as a board.
I've never known rigour mortis to set in so quickly.
(button popping)
I don't think his ribs'll stand up to much more of that.
This is a hopeless case.
I'm afraid you better prepare yourself for a nasty shock.
- You don't mean?
- Yes, I'm afraid he's dead.
- No no no, he mustn't.
- Be a brave lad. It comes to us all.
- But, Daddy, Daddy, please. Don't leave me, Daddy.
(crying)
Surely there must be something you can do.
- Well I can't think of anything offhand.
You know sometimes, they cut them open
and they try a little massage with the heart.
But that wouldn't help here.
It's too late. You see, he's solid.
(knocking on wood)
Stone dead.
But, it's strange.
Most odd.
- What?
He was an old man. He had a weak heart.
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
There's nothing odd about it.
- I suppose so.
- I'm surprised he's lasted as long as he has (cries).
- Oh, now, I suppose I better write out
the birth certificate, the death certificate.
- Yes please.
If you wouldn't mind.
- Why, thank you.
- Albert Ladysmith Steptoe.
Heart failure.
- There's something odd, you know. I mean, that body.
Did you notice something?
- No, I didn't. Someone was wrong with his head.
- No, the chest, the wrists, the hands.
Hairless.
There's not a single hair on that body. Now that's very odd.
- Well you see, that was the war.
Fright. It all dropped out when the sirens started.
Never grew again.
- Except on his head.
- Exactly. Most odd.
- Very strange.
I wonder if you'd give permission for a postmortem.
- No, no no no, no.
- That would assist medical science.
It would help people suffering from the same complaint.
- I couldn't.
It's against his religion.
He was a Seven Days' Wonder.
Anything that they don't allow,
blood transfusions, cutting up, anything like that.
You see, you has to come up in exactly
the same condition as what you snuffed in.
They don't like to be tampered with.
- We put back everything exactly as we found it.
- No, no, I couldn't.
Much as I would like to help you, he'd never forgive me
if I let you chop him up.
- Well, never mind.
(dog whimpering)
Do you know, I'm overlooking something.
I can't think what it, ooh, here here here.
Ah, look, I'm always leaving this behind.
My condolences.
And I'll see you in the pub.
- Thank you, Doctor.
(doctor crashing)
I'll see you out, Doctor.
(items crashing)
- I think I've done it before.
(chattering)
(glass breaking)
There you are, you naughty car.
Here we go.
(horn honking)
(engine starting and sputtering)
(sputtering continues)
- Chucks away!
No!
(engine revving)
- Harold?
(dog whimpering)
Come and undo me.
Harold! Where are you?
Come and undo me.
- [Harold] You stole my body. I want my body.
Give me my body back. I want my body.
- Harold! Harold!
- It's my body.
I'm coming in to get it.
(whimpering)
(shrieking)
Dad? Dad?
You all right?
Dad!
(funeral music)
(dog howling)
(whistling)
- Oi. All right?
- Yeah, not bad. Nice and roomy, very comfortable.
- You can stay there if you like. I don't mind.
- Yeah, it's very nice.
Coulda been made for me.
- It is for you. It was.
I had it out in the yard for a couple of years,
waiting for you to shoot off.
I had a bit of spare cash on me
so I thought I'd get it before the prices went up.
- You had a bit of spare cash on you,
so you bought me a coffin.
- Yep.
- Now that's nice. That's very nice.
What was it for, me birthday or Christmas?
- If you don't like it, man said I could
always change it when the time comes.
- Right morbid, aren't you?
Other sons buy their fathers gold watches,
cigarette cases, you give me a coffin.
- At least I got you a good one.
Look at that, beautiful.
Solid teak, that is.
It's silk lined.
- That's not teak, it's oak.
- At least it's not plastic.
Had your name put on the coffin lid as well.
Albert L. Steptoe, February the 10th, 1901, dash,
I'll get the other date put in now.
Deeply mourned by his loving son, Harold.
- Deeply mourned. Loving son, Harold.
- Yeah, I had that put on the tombstone as well.
- What tombstone?
- Well, I thought I'd get the tombstone
done at the same time.
He was having a sale.
So, I thought I'd get the lot and then be done with it.
You didn't think I'd turn
in the green shield stamps, did you?
- I didn't know it was for me own funeral, did I?
(knocking on door)
- Get down.
(dog growling)
- Shut up, Hercules, you know what.
Shut up.
(dog growling)
- Good morning, Harold. Nice morning?
- Yes, it is most clement.
- It's Saturday, Harold, payday.
We just happened to be in the area debt collecting.
You know the boys, don't you?
Let's see now.
Harold Steptoe.
160 pounds.
- Yes, but I'm afraid you have called
at rather an inopportune time.
- Oh dear. Don't tell me you haven't got it.
You're the second one this morning.
- Don't lean on me, Frankie.
I mean, I don't scare easy.
Help, stop it, stop it, stop it!
Stop it, stop it! You can have it, you can have it.
But not today.
Ow, no, my dad's dead! My dad's dead!
(crying)
- I beg your pardon.
- My dad is dead. He's in there.
- Oh dear. I am sorry.
Most distressing. My condolences.
My heart goes out to you, Harold.
- Thank you.
- Poor Mr. Steptoe.
Still, at least his suffering is over.
He can feel no more pain in this life.
(groaning)
Unlike some of us who are left.
- You'll get paid when the insurance coughs up.
- He was insured?
- Yes.
- Very wise.
Under the circumstances, I'm prepared to wait for the money.
At 10% interest per day.
- Agreed, agreed.
- Courage.
(groaning)
- Right, that's it. You heard them.
I wanna get this over and done.
I wanna get you planted as soon as possible, mate.
Now come on out, I've gotta nail you up.
- No, I like it in here. It's nice and soft.
- Fine, stay in then.
- No, I'm coming out.
Who are you inviting?
- Nobody.
- No mourners?
- Come on, out.
The fewer people know about this, the better.
I'll cop the money and off.
Oh God, that's disgusting.
Would you look at the mess?
You've only had it five minutes. It's full of mud.
Fag ash, pff.
Bull sweet.
Dirty. I mean Dracula's coffin's cleaner than this.
And he's in and out all day long.
How much do you weigh?
- Seven and a half stone.
- There you go.
That should be just about right.
God, what a treasure trove.
Hey, that should bollocks up some poor archaeologist
in about 1,000 years time.
(imitates horn)
Tootin' Steptoe buried with all his treasure.
Just think, one day this could be
on display at the British Museum.
You stretching halfway down Oxford street.
(dog barking)
Take him with you.
- Here.
- Hello, Harold.
- Oh, hello.
- We've heard the bad news.
We've just come round to pay our respects.
- How'd you find out?
- Everybody's talking about it.
- Are they?
- Bit sudden, was it?
- Yes, yes, it was, very sudden.
- I couldn't believe it when I heard it.
- Why not?
- Well, we saw him the other night down at the dog track.
Looked all right then, didn't he?
- It was all too much for him, I suppose.
- Yeah, maybe too much for him to see
the dog losing like that.
- Yes, I expect that's what it was. All too much for him.
- Well, uh, we've brought these round.
- Oh yeah, very kind of you.
Well, we aint got very much to offer you
in the way of hospitality.
- That's all right. We'll take what you got.
- We aint got nothing.
- I've got a bottle of scotch.
- In that case, you better come in.
You better come in!
- Go on, I can't get in with this bloody great wheel.
- He's there then, is he, Harold?
- Yeah, yeah, he is.
- All crated up and ready for off, eh?
That's a nice coffin, Harold.
- Real good wood, that.
- Yeah.
- Be a few years before the old maggots get through that.
(laughing)
- If you'll excuse me, I'll go and get the glasses.
- You see, I was right.
Harold is in trouble with the old mob.
- What do you mean?
- Well, look at the place. Bleeding empty, isn't it?
He's skint, I tell you, and that is why
he was embarrassed when we come round.
- Oh yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
- And that is why he's bugging the old man
away on the quiet.
He can't afford a big do.
- It's a good job we can then.
It's worth a few bob to give him a good sendoff.
- Oh hello, Harold.
- Please excuse the motley collection of drinking vessels,
but all the good stuff is packed away.
- Oh yeah. Yeah well, we understand, don't we?
- You do the honours, Harold.
- Well I expect old Albert is upstairs now, isn't he?
- Upstairs? What do you mean upstairs?
- Well upstairs. You know, as opposed to down there.
Where old George is going.
(laughing)
- Oh yeah, yeah (laughs).
- I should like to make this a toast, Harold.
- Oh, no no, I don't think there's a need to.
- No no, no, I insist.
On behalf of myself and my fellow guests here,
I should like to raise my glass
and pay a warm tribute to our dear departed friend.
- Dear departed. - Dear departed.
- Albert Steptoe was not everybody's cup of tea.
- Here here.
- In fact, he could be a pain in the arse at times.
But then we all have our faults, don't we?
But he was a good drinker,
fair in business,
and dare I say it, a very good father to you.
- Oh, yes, yes.
- And now he's shuffled off these mortal coils
and gone to join the great rag and bone man in the sky.
- Get on with it.
- I should like to drink a toast to his memory,
coupled with our very best wishes to you
in this time of your grief, and the hope that you will find
comfort in knowing he will greatly missed
by all them who knew him.
Gentlemen, I give you Albert Steptoe.
- Albert Steptoe. - Albert.
- Good luck, Albert, sir.
- Work them round again, Perce.
- Yeah, come on, Perce.
- That was a very nice speech, Lennie.
I would like to thank you on behalf
of my late father and myself.
I'm deeply touched.
- Harold, I hope you don't think we're being morbid,
but is there any chance of us have
a look at him before he goes?
- No, no no, you can't.
- Why not? After all, we are his Chinas.
- Yeah, but he's all screwed down.
- Hey, oh, I've got a screwdriver.
- No, no no no, I'd rather you didn't.
You see, he's not a pretty sight.
- Well he never was (chuckles).
After all, he's only had an heart attack.
- Ah yes, but you see, it's what he was doing at the time.
Oh his face, it's all contorted in agony.
It's horrible.
- What was he doing?
- It's very delicate.
I heard the scream from the karzy.
And by the time I'd broken the door down, he'd gone.
He was just sitting there. His poor face.
I'd like for you to remember him as he was.
- Well I tell you, if I go the same way,
my face will be wreathed in smiles.
- Oh, leave off. Have a bit of consideration.
- Let's have another drink.
- Yeah.
Harold.
Me and the boys, we was just having a bit of a chat.
Listen, we would consider it a great honour if you would
allow us to give Albert a proper sendoff.
- Oh no, that's most kind of you, but--
- Oh no no, don't be embarrassed, Harold.
I mean, hard times come to us all sooner or later.
- Yeah, but you see, we was thinking,
that is, I was thinking of a quiet funeral.
Just immediate family.
- Now look, Harold, our way of life is disappearing fast.
I mean, look all around you.
They're tearing down all the houses,
they're putting up them flats.
They're building on all the yards.
There won't be none of us left soon, mate.
Your father, now, he was one of the oldest
tottlers in the business.
He would remember the old days.
- He's right, you know, Harold.
My father's gone. Percy's dad, he's dead.
- My old dad's gone to Welwyn garden city.
None of the nippers growing up on the plank.
- Yeah, he's right. See, it's practically all over.
And listen, this might be the last chance we ever have
of seeing a real traditional tottler's funeral.
So let's do it in style.
- But the expense, who's gonna come on with that.
- Don't even worry about that.
Never mind the grub and the booze.
We've taken care of all that.
Percy's old lady, mine, they've done all the catering.
Well, I mean they'll be here in a minute.
I've had a word with the vicar,
and I've sorted out the invitations.
- What's time's the funeral?
- Half past two.
- What?
- Yeah, well, that's right, isn't it?
I mean, what is it, a half-hour to the boneyard? Perfect.
So everybody meets here an hour before kickoff
for light refreshments and then back here again
after the main event for a cold collision and a good drink.
- I'll go and get dressed.
- Harold?
Try and stay cheerful, mate.
Gee, our Harold doesn't look too good, though, does he?
- What's the matter with you? Get in the bedroom.
- It's the nicest thing I've heard.
(guests chattering)
That's friends for you, that is.
- Dad, you know them, any excuse for a boozer.
They've just taken the whole bleeding thing over.
- They're genuine people, Harold.
(chattering and laughing)
- Right, stay in here, keep the door locked.
- There won't be anybody to give you
a good sendoff when you go.
And another thing, what did you have to go and tell them
I died sitting on the bog for?
I'm entitled to some dignity, you know.
And another thing!
I'm hungry.
(knocking on door)
- Oh God.
- You better get the tables in.
Take through the back there.
- Hello, Lenny. - Hello, mate.
(chattering)
- Be nice in there, all right.
- Where do you want it, mate?
- Just take it through the back there, will you?
Just take it and put it in the kitchen.
Straight through the back there.
- Oh, I know.
- Hello, darling, how are you?
(chattering)
Take it through the back there, will you?
Whoa, no, Freda is in the back.
(chattering)
- Hello, dear.
(chattering)
- Come on, don't you worry about a thing, Harold.
You leave it all to me.
After all, it is your dad.
- Oh, Harold, you do look nice.
Doesn't he look nice, blokes?
- Oh yes, very smart. Here, hold this.
Here, here, who does he put you in mind of?
- [First Woman] Oh it's Albert, isn't it?
He was a lovely dresser, wasn't he?
- Yeah and knew it then, didn't he?
- Here you go, have some nourishment, dear.
- Yeah, he does look a bit peaky.
Here you are, love, you have one of those. That's it.
- Very smart, Harold.
You ought to dress like that all the time.
- Here you are now.
- I would just like to thank you all for coming.
This is a truly magnificent spread.
- [Group] Ah.
- Isn't he lovely?
- I expect you'll be glad to see the back of him.
Really, be honest, Harold, he held you back.
You get yourself a nice girl. You deserve it.
- Yeah, you forget about him.
I mean, after all, love, he had his life.
- Yeah, he had the good innings, didn't he?
- I mean, you know, now that he's not here anymore--
- Freda.
- You can go out and enjoy yourself,
now you know you got old Face Ache off your back.
- Freda.
- Will you leave off?
- I will try. Thank you, Auntie Freda.
- Ah. - Bless you, darling.
- Yeah.
- What are you banging me for?
- What are you on about?
The poor thing is hardly cold in his coffin,
and you're having a go at him.
- Well he don't mind.
- Yeah, he bleeding minds. It's his father, isn't it?
- Does he mind?
Would I hurt Harold like that, would I?
I mean, I only told the truth.
After all, he was an old face ache.
- Get back in that bedroom.
- Silly cow.
- It's swarming with them down here.
Do you hear me? It's swarming with them down there.
- I aint stopping up here the rest of me life.
- You don't have to.
Just till we cop the insurance money.
Then we sneak away, one night,
very quietly, and we start again somewhere else.
Down in Cornwall, somewhere.
Here, get these done.
- Smashing.
I wish I was alive, I'd scoff the lot.
(laughing)
- We'll start again.
I'll change my name.
Harry Fabersham.
Hello, who's this?
- It's Mr. Russell, the insurance agent.
- Perhaps he's brought a check with him.
That's what I like, prompt payers.
(guests chattering)
Here, get away from the window.
(guests chattering)
(knocking on door)
- Mr. Steptoe?
- Junior.
- My name is Russell, Eagle Alliance Insurance Company.
- Won't you please come in?
- Harold, come on. - Come on, Harold.
- Join the party.
- Please accept on behalf of the company
our deepest sympathy on your recent bereavement.
- Harold (belches).
- Yes, it was a great shock to us all.
- Harold, get your jetting gear around that.
What about your friend? Would he like one at all?
- No, he's all right, thank you.
- Right, I'll go and get him one.
- Very sad occasion.
- Yes, it is very sad.
- Now, with regard to the claim on the policy.
- Here you are, Harold.
It's as strong as a double scotch.
- We'll be more private in the kitchen.
- Cheers.
- After all these years (cries).
(chattering)
- He was very much loved.
But we should be all right in here for a few minutes.
Excuse me, I'll shut the door.
Would you care to sit down?
Champagne.
Nicely chilled.
- No thank you.
Well now.
- 1,000 pounds, I believe.
- Yes, but there is one slight snag.
- Snag?
- We must regretfully inform you that in April 1949
your late father assigned the policy
to a Mrs. Eileen Piecraft,
who is now therefore the beneficiary.
We will accordingly be arranging to make payment
of the claim to Mrs. Piecroft in the near future.
- I don't quite understand.
- The assignment was legally attested to.
I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about it.
(knocking on door)
- [Freda] Come on, hurry up. Gonna be in there all day?
- It can't be legal.
No, please, look.
- It's about bleeding time.
- Is it legal?
- Of course it's legal.
- Harold? - What?
- Find yourself a nice girl.
- I hope it's all quite clear, Mr. Steptoe,
and good day to you.
- Here, where's your proper collar?
- He can't. He's a shop steward.
- My condolences.
- [Harold] But I'm his natural son!
- Is the vicar leaving?
- Shut up!
Mrs. Eileen Piecraft.
(guests chattering)
- How much profits?
- Who the bleeding hell is Mrs. Eileen Piecraft?
- Who?
- You heard!
- Gold.
- It's not true. It can't be true.
- I forgot about her.
- You forgot.
- It was a long time ago.
It was while you was in the army in Malaya.
I met this bird, see?
We was going to get married.
Didn't I tell you about her?
- No. No, you didn't.
- It was very serious at the time.
But she wanted a bit of security, see?
She was a bit younger than me.
- How old was she?
- 18.
- You dirty old man.
She was even younger than I was.
- Yeah.
- Not much chance of her being dead then, is there?
- No, she was a very healthy girl.
- Yes, well, she's gonna get a nice healthy surprise
on her doormat first thing in the morning, 1,000 quid.
- Plus profits.
- Look, when she didn't wanna marry you,
why didn't you change the policy back again?
- I forgot.
- I forgot, I forgot.
Oh God, I could kill you properly
if I thought you was worth anything.
How can you forget a thing like that?
- Don't get upset, Harold.
- Upset!
You're being buried in an hour's time. You're not dead!
We've swindled the insurance company,
we aint gonna get the money.
You're gonna have to go into hiding
for the rest of your life.
I shall probably go to the nick for fraud,
when Frankie Barrow's finished with me.
And all you can say is don't get upset.
I'm entitled to get upset!
- There's nothing much we can do about it, is there?
You can't bring me back to life, can you?
- Oh belt up!
What did you say?
- I said you can't bring me back to life, can you?
- Oh yes I can.
(group laughing)
- First time the drinks have been on Albert.
(group chattering)
- George, Lennie, I'm most surprised at you.
This is a coffin, not a four-hour bar.
- Well I'm sorry, Harold,
but there's not a lotta room in here, is there?
- No. - No.
- Well come on, clear it off.
That's gonna go right through the beeswax.
This is a brand-new coffin, this is.
Would you excuse me?
- Oi, I did.
- Why don't we put a cloth over it?
- We'll do no such thing.
We'll move it over into the alcove,
just by the window, come on.
Get it up.
(group chattering)
- Get out of the bloody way.
Steamroller in the window.
You all right then?
Over by here, son.
(group chattering)
(glass clinking)
(group chattering)
- Right.
(group chattering)
- Oh don't help me here.
Do as little as you possibly can.
Down you go.
(group chattering)
Right, now don't forget,
I'll say, he was a good father to me.
When no one's looking,
I shall tap three times, and you groan.
(groaning)
Then you knock three times on the coffin,
then you sits up and you looks round.
- They'll all faint.
- Don't you worry about it. I'll scream first.
Stupid old...
(group chattering)
(women singing)
- Did he suffer at all?
- No, no no, I don't think so.
No, he went out like a light.
- That's the best way to go, yeah.
- Oh, he was a good father to me.
- I always thought he was a miserable old bleeder.
(laughing)
- No, no no no, he was a good father,
and I shall miss him terribly.
♪ Dear Harold ♪
(laughing)
Don't know how I'm gonna manage without him.
(knocking on coffin)
Quiet please, quiet.
Did you hear anything?
- No. No, I didn't here nothing.
Gree, did you hear anything?
- Eh?
- [Freda] Did you hear anything?
- What, with all this bleeding noise going on?
- Coulda swore I heard something.
- What sort of thing?
- I don't know, it was kind of a, sort of a groan.
Sort of (groans).
- Must have been Albert.
(group laughing)
- If it's serious, they'll groan again, right?
- Here, come on, you lot.
It's two o'clock. It's time we was off.
They're not gonna keep that hole open forever.
- No no no, don't go. Let's have one more drink.
- We can have that when we come back, can't we?
Besides, Rangers are at home this afternoon.
We don't wanna get caught up in all that traffic.
- Just one more drink. It won't take long.
Dear old pal, jolly old pal.
- Harold, we know how you feel.
We don't wanna see him go under no more than what you do.
But let's face it, Son, he is dead.
And it's not gonna help matters
leaving him around here, is it?
- Dear old pals.
- He's gotta go under, Harold.
Otherwise, he'll stink the bleeding place up.
- Like he did when he was alive.
- All I'm saying is let's have one more drink.
That's not going to make us late.
- Harold, if we have one more drink, we're all going
to fall down the bleeding hole with him, isn't we?
Now come on, let's get this pouring out of here.
(knocking on wood)
- [Harold] Daddy. Daddy?
Daddy!
(group chattering)
(Harold shouting)
No.
- Get it on, now.
It's freezing cold out there.
Just be a good boy, and put it on.
- Wake up! Wake up!
- Pick it up a bit, George. That's it.
It's a nice bit of wood, Harold.
(group chattering)
(group singing)
(groaning)
(group chattering)
- There you go.
(group singing)
- No no.
- No, you're in the first car, Harold, behind the deceased.
- Daddy!
Daddy!
- Up you go in there, lad.
- Don't worry, Harold. He's not dead.
- Eh?
- No, he's only sleeping.
- Oh yes, I know he is.
Lazy bleeder.
(group singing)
- [Lennie] Come on, we're gonna be late!
(group chattering)
(group singing)
- Let me through, let me through.
Now I gotta get off. I gotta get off.
Please, can you get me through? Thank you.
- Harold.
(group singing)
(belching)
- Give it here.
(Harold shouting)
- Harold.
Harold!
(group singing)
Won't you have a little?
That'll pick up.
(group singing)
(group chattering)
(group singing)
Sit down, Harold.
Harold, sit down.
- Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy! Wake up, wake up!
- Get back on that cart.
You're not gonna wake him up.
- [Harold] Daddy!
(group singing)
- Whoa, whoa.
(horse nickering)
Harold.
Come on.
(yawning)
- [Harold] Wake up! Wake up!
(group singing)
- Hey, stop them!
Chris, hang about!
(group chattering)
We better carry on then, haven't we?
What if he comes out?
We have time to dig another hole, just in case.
Take him over to hospital, will you? Go on.
Hey, hang about.
(group chattering)
(church organ music)
- Please follow me.
I am the resurrection and the life, said the Lord.
He that believeth in me, though he were dead,
yet shall he live.
(groaning)
- You okay, baby?
- What happened?
- You're all right, old chap. No cause for alarm.
- Where am I?
- In hospital, of course. Where else?
- I was going to a funeral?
- No no, no, you are not dead yet.
- [Vicar] Of whom may we seek of succour
but of Thee, oh Lord?
Who for our sins--
(group chattering)
- I was going to a funeral.
I was going to a funeral!
- [Vicar] In my flesh, shall I see God.
Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold,
and not another.
- You had 10 stitches.
I must insist you get back on the trolley.
- Yeah, but my father's being buried.
If I don't get there in time, he'll be dead.
- A harder knock than we thought?
(shouting)
(group shouting)
- The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
So when this corruptible shall put on incorruption,
and this mortal shall have put on immortality,
then shall be brought to pass the saying
that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
Behold, I show you a mystery.
We shall not all--
- Blimey, he's got a bleeding cheek coming here.
- Yeah, what's he doing here?
- Who is he? - Frankie Barrow.
- Hey, where are you going?
Kent Sunrise Cemetery and hurry!
- Don't be a silly boy. Go on back in there.
- No, I'm all right.
My father's being buried. I've gotta be there in 10 minutes!
- All right, all right. Keep your turban on.
(groaning)
- In the morning, it is green and groweth up.
But in the evening, it is cut down, dried up and withered.
- I know the feeling.
- [Woman] Sh!
- Come on, come on!
Faster, faster! Move it!
(brakes squealing)
- [Vicar] Who for our sins are justly displeased.
For as much as it has pleased almighty God
of His great mercy to take unto Himself
the soul of our brother here departed,
we therefore commit his body to the ground.
- Stop!
(screaming)
(vicar groaning)
Terribly sorry.
Wrong funeral.
- For as much as it has pleased almighty God
of His great mercy to take unto Himself the soul
of our dear brother here departed,
we therefore commit his body to the Earth,
that it may be like unto his glorious body,
according to the mighty workings
whereby He is able subdue all things to Himself.
I heard a voice from heaven saying unto me,
Blessed are the dead which die in the Lord,
for they rest from their labours.
Unto us, ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
In sure and certain hope of the resurrection
to eternal life through our Lord, Jesus Christ.
(dramatic music)
(screaming)
(group panicking)
- Get off, you dirty soppy great thing.
(group screaming)
- Shut up, you silly cow! Shut up!
- Shut up, will you? Shut up!
(church organ music)
(mysterious music)
- Now about the policy.
- Yeah, well, there was a snag.
- Snag?
- Well you see, after a tremendous amount of research,
we managed to trace Mrs. Piecraft.
But luckily, your father had made it a condition
that the money would not go to her if she ever remarried.
And I'm glad to say that she has.
- Oh, oh, in that case, I could have buried him after all.
- Anyway, the policy now reverts back to Mr. Steptoe.
Now are you quite sure that you want to cash it in?
- [Harold] Yes, he does.
- The surrender value is, of course, not as much as you
would have received in the event of Mr. Steptoe's death.
- Well, we'd rather have the conquers.
You see, we find ourself at this moment
in a rather embarrassing pecuniary situation.
- Yeah, we're skint.
- Potless.
- Quite.
Well, if you would just sign the release form here.
Just there.
- Make your mark.
- Now then, here's our check in full settlement,
876 pounds.
- Thank you very much, goodbye.
- I was going to discuss the advisability
of taking out a new policy.
- I know, thank you.
- You can pay by monthly instalments.
- We're fully covered, thank you.
- You can insure each other.
- No no, no thank you.
- Personal accident, now that's a good one.
- No thank you.
- Personal indemnity.
If you're worried one of your tiles fall down
on one of your neighbor's heads.
- We don't like the neighbours, goodbye.
876 nickers.
Money, money, money, money, money!
(horse nickering)
- Not bad.
Really good.
How much?
- 80 quid.
- You did well there.
Where's the change?
- Oh, well, I, uh, I invested it.
- Oh no, Harold, you haven't?
Not again.
What have you slung it away on this time?
- A racehorse, buying a bleeding racehorse.
- I bought a half-share in a racehorse.
- You bought a half-share in a racehorse.
Yeah, and from Frankie Barrow.
- You wait till he wins this afternoon. We'll be quids in.
He'll start at 25 to one.
- Yeah, and he probably won't finish until half past 10.
(mocking laughter)
You've been conned again, you great pillock.
- You don't believe me, do you?
There it is, see, in black and white.
This is to certify that Harold Steptoe owns
a half-share in Excalibur.
- Yeah, here it is in black and white as well.
Excalibur, owner H.M. Queen.
- Yeah, that's him, that's right, H.M. Queen.
That's my partner.
We're gonna split half the winnings.
- H.M. Queen?
- H.M. Queen.
- [Harold] Oh my God.
("God Save the Queen" instrumental music)
(arguing)
(upbeat music)