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There.
It's done.
How did it come out?
It's so beautiful that it looks fake.
All right, goodbye.
Bye.
Are you taking the preserves as well?
Yes, I have to bring a gift.
And you're also taking your recipes and your knives.
Listen, Madeleine, it's...
I've owned these knives since I was 15.
My father sold two cows to buy them for me.
This poor man ordered the best set of knives from Germany.
- And, at 14, you left Carpunigno... - Car-pug-ni-no.
...with your knives. We all know the story - by heart.
But what I don't understand is what you intend to do
with all these damn knives during your weekend.
And do you have lemon-based washing-up liquid?
- Yes. I'm sure there's some in here. - Ah, yes.
Lemon, it's the best acid to use for washing dishes.
The gloves! Did you remember the gloves?
Yes, I did. Here they are.
Thank you.
New model.
More sensitive.
For housework...
...gloves are vital.
Suppleness and resistance.
Suppleness, so as not to lose the feel of the object.
Resistance...
...for the workload.
We've got exactly four weeks' worth of taped shows.
I can leave with total peace of mind. My god, what joy!
But what will we do afterwards?
Afterwards, there are those projects I told you about.
But for now, I need to be by myself for a bit.
I'm tired. I need a little solitude.
What's wrong? Stop being so nervous.
Think about... what? Television is not your life.
Think of your life. Stop, OK?
Yes, I think you're right. I'll take up yoga.
Good.
Before I leave, I'm going to do a good deed.
I'm going to give my daughter a gift.
I've been waiting for you for 45 minutes.
Hello, Cordelia.
Hi.
Zack Zakurawali.
Pleased to meet you.
You know, when one decides to get away...
Where are you going?
You told me to meet you here. Why?
To see you before I leave.
If I have to count on you to keep me updated...
Have you seen your mother? How is she?
I'm sure she's doing fine.
If I understand correctly, you see her as little as I do.
Listen, Daddy, with your paternal authority...
Yes, I'm leaving.
I'm doing a series of special news reports.
Would you like to stay in my apartment?
Of course.
Be careful, though. No hellraising.
Be wary of the neighbours. They're all a bunch of old fools.
Paternal authority of shit, as a bonus.
- Thanks. - Thank you. Anything else?
Come over here.
I want you to find him work before you leave,
because he dances really well.
I want you to find him work.
What's going on here?
There are no more shuttles, and the bus is gone.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
There's no car. I have no idea how to bring the Parmesan cheese.
Annette, come on. Dragutti, come.
There they are.
Be careful, it's heavy.
Come on, darling.
You're lucky, you can just roll it.
Yeah.
Bravo, bravo.
Let's go, Marion.
It's ten a.m.
Ten a.m.
Come on, wake up.
That work hasn't finished yet?
Give me your phone number, so that I can reach you.
In case of emergency.
Why do I always have to tell you where I'm going?
Because I need to know.
- Your slippers! - No.
God, give me patience.
The jury, having deliberated the evidence presented in court,
condemned...
If my colleagues could see me...
They think I'm such a serious gentleman.
For the last time, Philippe, where are you going?
I've already told you, I'm attending a conference on case law in London.
That's not true.
You're a big fat liar.
Actori incumbit probatio, Nicole.
Let's not fight.
Especially today.
Why especially today?
Don't worry about a thing.
If you need anything,
I've granted you access to my bank account.
Do you understand?
I don't understand all this bank access stuff.
No, not that.
You have a responsibility towards your father and mother,
bless their souls,
but I don't want to be mixed up in your affairs.
This photo will not leave this place.
I have given you my life to come to this,
not knowing where you are going.
Nicole...
OK, fine. I get it.
You're going to see the girls again.
Come on, give me that photo.
No, never.
You're acting crazy.
- Come on, give it to me. - No.
- Give it to me, Nicole. - No, no.
Don't do it, Philippe.
Don't go to the brothel.
Think of your career.
Swear to me you won't go to the brothel.
I can continue to make sacrifices, as I've done until now.
It can stay in the family.
But...
Nicole...
Do you realise what you're saying?
Who took you in her arms when you were little?
Who breast-fed you?
No, Nicole.
I have to leave.
You always rape me.
Do you think some whores could ever replace me?
Oh, no, Philippe.
Are you eating by yourselves?
Yes.
It's a house that my father bought
just after World War I ended, from a Polish chemist.
He gave it to my mother, but she never wanted to live in it.
- Can I borrow your hat? - If you like.
She felt it was too frivolous a place.
So we stayed at the apartment in Paris.
Here's old Hector.
He was my father's chauffeur.
How old is he?
I don't know.
But I've always known him.
And now he lives here all alone
...with the dog
Hello, Hector.
Hello, Mr. Philippe.
This is Ugo and Michel.
This is old Catherine.
I think you'll be happy, Mr. Philippe.
I didn't skimp on quality and got the best items.
Very good, thank you.
- Marcello! - Can we go inside now?
Come on.
Don't forget to let your friends know that the dog is vicious.
Beware of the dog. She's not always very friendly.
Come on, Catherine.
Catherine.
- How are you, Hector? - I'm well, Mr. Philippe.
- And your health? - Good, Mr. Philippe.
Very good.
Excuse me.
- Where are you going, Marcello? - I'm going upstairs.
Who is that gentleman, Hector?
The gentleman is from the Chinese embassy.
He has brought a gift.
- Hello, sir. - Hello, sir.
Pardon me a moment.
Let me take care of my guests, and then I'll be all yours.
Please take your time. I'll wait for you here.
Thank you.
Are you exploring, Captain?
It's quite a strange coincidence that you find me here,
as I'm rarely to be found in this house.
Although I own it... Well, my father owned it.
Excuse me, Mr. Diplomat, we need to visit the kitchen now.
- Of course. - We have a lot of work to do.
Please do have a seat. I'll be with you in a moment.
- Thank you. - Hector!
We are going to admire the wonders that you've wrought in the kitchen.
Over here. To the left.
There are three bay trees. Smell this.
That's good.
Let me smell.
- Here, taste this. - Yes, thank you.
- Do you want some blood sausage? - No, thank you.
- Is this wine from your vineyard? - Of course.
- Do you want some blood sausage? - No, thanks.
Where can I find some cheese?
- You don't want any blood sausage? - No, thank you.
No one wants to try my blood sausage?
Marcello! Do you want some blood sausage?
Marcello! Your friends need you.
Sir, allow me to offer you a welcome snack.
My friends and I have gathered for a gastronomic seminar.
Allow me to present you with a small gift.
It's the main character from our popular opera "The Red Lantern".
"The Red Lantern".
Oh, my, it's absolutely enchanting.
Indeed.
But Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes, beware of the Greeks bearing gifts.
Marcello!
You are wanted in the kitchen.
So the Chinese room is mine.
I'm terribly sorry to have to decline your offer,
which is rather courteous, I must say.
Give me your car keys. I've forgotten my suitcase.
Can I taste?
It's the small one.
I perfectly understand your reasons for refusing.
If a sentimental attachment to a house doesn't exist,
if family tradition isn't imbued in its every wall,
then the very notion of a home is empty and without purpose.
A wild boar, ready for the most subtle marinades.
That's good meat.
Two superb deers with soft eyes,
flesh imbued with the perfumes of the Couves forest.
It's frozen.
So?
When it's necessary, I'm all for progress.
That's good meat.
Ten dozen semi-wild guinea fowls fed on grain and juniper.
Marcello!
Your friends need you.
Your sweater is nice.
You think so?
Beautiful car, eh?
Very, very beautiful.
You know, Bugatti had his shoes custom-made
like a glove with a separated thumb.
- Is that true? - Yes.
- To drive? - No, for day-to-day living.
He was an artist.
Isn't this all splendid, this delivery?
Three dozen innocent Ardennes cockerels.
What's going on?
One dozen chickens from and around Bresse.
What's that smell? Oh, it's cod! That stinks.
A hindquarter of beef from the rich pastures of Charolais.
You'll see how much fun it is to cut it up.
Five innocent salt-meadow lambs from Mont Saint-Michel.
A good chef could make a good surgeon.
- That's good meat! - Bravo.
Always being frivolous while the rest of us work.
Don't be vulgar, Ugo.
The festivities begin.
That's good meat.
There.
I always did this when I was a kid.
Right, Hector?
Do you remember?
Oh, Hector.
He's asleep.
Hector.
You can leave now.
It's time to go to bed.
Thank you for all that you've done.
Tell me, do you still know how to drive?
Yes.
I still have my driver's license.
Bring back the car, OK?
And above all, don't say a thing to Nicole.
Promise?
- Yes. - Good.
When I think about all that we still have to do
in order to prepare this kitchen...
Can we sing while working?
Remember, not one word to Nicole!
Yes, Mr. Philippe.
Excuse me.
She looks like Michelangelo's Pietà.
I'm sure that's what the photographer intended.
A trifle blasphemous.
Hands down!
- Marcello, ready for a race? - Yeah.
Let's go!
Quinze seconds!
- I concede defeat. - Bad luck.
She had very lovely nipples, Catherine...
This is the look of a whole era.
And I'm the one who's obsessed with sex?
You're getting aroused by a funeral!
We're not getting turned on.
It's a collection I created when I was little,
which is both sentimental and artistic.
This is life, look.
- Air hostess? - Air hostess.
Can I kiss the oyster?
The little oyster.
Here.
What artistic lighting.
This drawing is splendid.
It's a Gallé drawing from 1890.
Very beautiful.
Open this, please.
What would you like for dessert?
- Milk with jam or Crêpes Suzette? - Crêpes Suzette for me.
Gentlemen, we are not here to have a vulgar orgy.
We should not remain at this table forever.
In fact, I can't relax until the dining room is cleared.
President...
Off to work.
No, no oranges today.
Tomorrow, for breakfast, oranges.
Come on.
We have to skim the fat from the bouillon.
We need to feed the turkeys chocolate, nuts, and cognac.
Cognac?
Yes. It gives them an exquisite flavour.
What needs to be done?
- Are you my assistant or not? - Well, yes.
So, wash your hands.
- Did you pee? - You're such an idiot.
What time is it?
Half past six.
You know what time I had to get up
when I was a kitchen boy at the Charlton Senate?
- No. - At four a.m.
There, the stock.
The dough.
Good.
- What is this? - The strainer.
Bravo.
We're going to...
Thank you.
...strain the stock.
Very good.
The base of a stock is the base of a kitchen.
Good morning.
Good morning, Marcello. You're already awake?
I didn't sleep at all.
You fixed yourself up well in here.
I particularly like my four-poster bed by the chimney.
It's my world.
You're home-loving.
I regret to say that under these conditions I cannot stay here.
Why? What's wrong?
Does the house displease you?
The change of atmosphere, what?
No, you know, in my line of work,
I've had to become used to sleeping anywhere.
But I need to fuck.
Sure, we've committed to lock ourselves up in here, but...
Listen, we didn't take a vow of chastity.
Be patient. We'll talk it over later.
For now, we must think about breakfast.
A good cup of hot cocoa around eleven
whets the appetite for dinner.
- Who wrote that? - Brillat-Savarin.
Fuck you, Mr Know it all.
He knows everything.
What is this?
Kidneys Bourguignon.
Oh yeah?
It's for me.
Shit, this always happens to me.
It's a very beautiful piece of music.
Very sexual.
Butter?
Baguette.
Excuse me.
Actually, it's a good idea to invite girls, Mr. President.
I, too, like women.
I just think that on this occasion...
...we can do without, that's all.
Here, Philippe.
I'm no killjoy.
You should create a special menu.
For example:
"Dinner offered by four Bourguignon gentlemen
to three nice whores from Canterbury."
Because they have to be whores.
Good.
Were you hoping for something else?
I thought of an incredible menu.
"The Whore Menu".
A sauté of fat and lean given by four gourmet epicureans
for three young ladies in twelve courses.
Is that it?
Crayfish à la Mozart on a bed of rice...
- Five seconds. - ...with sublime Aurore Sauce.
Soft-shell lobster served as a first course.
- Good morning, sir. - Good morning.
Can we see Boileau's linden tree?
- The one that's in the garden? - Yes.
Sure. Who sent you?
The teacher.
She wants to see Boileau's linden tree?
Yes.
Well, tell her that she can come any time.
Are you an Arab?
Of course not, my little one.
Don't be afraid. I'm not an Arab. Don't worry.
Children, listen to me.
Look. Do you see this tree?
It's a linden tree.
Under this tree, Mr. Boileau would rest.
Who can tell me who Boileau was?
No, you don't know.
Boileau was a great French poet.
Yes. He was born in 1636 and died in 1711.
He wrote beautiful things.
He loved nature.
This is why he'd rest under this tree,
and he'd write poems.
Hasten then softly And don't lose heart
Look at it.
Twenty times on the loom Keep on weaving your art
Did you understand its meaning?
Be careful.
Mr. Bugatti is an artist, like a painter or a musician.
And this car is his masterpiece.
Do you like cars?
- Yes. - Yes.
Thank you, sir.
You don't want any?
- Thank you, sir. - Do you want any?
Sir, are you the head cook?
Yes, at your command. Eat, eat.
It smells wonderful.
Yes, it's the stuffing for the fatted chickens.
One's for the fatted chickens, the other for the suckling pigs.
Yep.
There.
Do you know what we'll do with the fish?
We're going to eat it.
My very mean friends want to eat all the fish.
See, there's one, two, three...
For the pig, something more rustic, with chestnuts, smoked ham...
With truffles?
Truffles. They're beautiful, aren't they?
Oh, they're gorgeous.
Madam, Kidneys Bordelaise.
It smells very good, but I'm drinking chocolate.
- You've never heard of Roussel? - No.
Ah, Roussel was a great writer, unrecognised, slightly surrealist,
who preferred to have his three courses in one.
He'd start with a big bowl of hot cocoa made with cream,
followed by several dishes, such as Kidneys Bordelaise.
It's an easy dish to prepare.
It is well-flambéed?
Very well.
I have to get going now.
- Now? - Yes.
- No. - Yes.
Tonight we're throwing a party.
If you'd like to be our guest, we'd be very happy.
Ugo, I don't think that Miss Andréa would be comfortable
around Michel and Marcello's guests.
Why not?
I don't know if I can come by.
The lady is a worldly woman.
Precisely.
I don't know if I'll come.
Marcello, the great commander of the skies.
Come on, come in. Just ahead.
Good evening, sir.
Of course I'm coming.
Take your coats off.
My friend, Ugo!
Pleased to meet you.
Hello.
Danielle.
And you?
Anne.
Do you like boas?
- That depends. Do you? - Yes.
What a meringue!
- And me? - A chocolate meringue!
That's good.
It's a farce.
What's a farce?
It's a farce, the girls arrive, and they've disappeared!
- That was predictable. - Predictable!
You didn't predict anything.
- Please. - I'm sick of this.
Since we're not eating, we'll feed the fish!
There you go, eat, my little fishes.
Eat! Eat!
Philippe is going insane.
- Hello. - Hello.
My name is Michel.
Hello.
Very pretty.
Ugo, you need to go to the kitchen.
Yes, yes.
So, you go to the kitchen, and...
And you don't look at me?
Me, a little orphan girl.
Yes, yes. Let's go to the kitchen.
- Excuse me. - Are you the third gentleman?
Ladies and gentlemen, in the splendour of her own flesh,
Gita!
You look great like that.
What is that chicken doing there? In an aquarium?
You think that's normal?
It's chicken-fish.
France is beautiful.
- You're not French? - No.
My homemade pâté,
my charcoal-roasted turkey,
and all the other dishes.
Do you know how to cook?
No, I prefer to eat.
No, no, no, no!
No, no?
I don't know who you are or where you come from, but I like you.
Good evening.
Good evening, Miss.
I have decided to accept your invitation.
That's very kind of you.
You'll be in good company.
- Good evening. - Good evening.
Come in.
What was broken?
The decanter?
- Make yourself at home, Miss. - Thank you.
The house's atmosphere is even stranger at night.
I leave you in the company of these ladies.
If you'd like to play pool...
Do you know how to play pool?
No.
The mirage, the dream, has become a reality.
A woman is here.
- What woman? - The teacher.
You see, she came.
We're putting an end to it right now.
Please, you invite this poor girl amidst your three whores.
I'm going to bed. I'm going to sleep.
- I leave you to your stupor. - She's not a whore. She's a woman.
- Good evening. - The woman.
- You came? - Yes.
Are you leaving?
No, I was just going to the living room
to see how things are going.
What a beautiful cake!
Yes, Ugo is the one who made it.
He's a very good pastry chef.
In fact, we're all working under his direction here.
I was a bit embarrassed to see you arrive earlier because...
...they also invited three other girls that I don't know at all.
I met them. They seem very nice.
- Really? - Yes.
It doesn't bother you to dine with them?
No. Why?
Because...
Well, I think they have...
...loose morals.
We'll see.
Yes.
What is that?
Bravo, Marcello.
It's a bit melancholic.
She thinks it's awful.
The ideal would be to go on eating like this indefinitely.
- What do you think? - Of course. It would be wonderful.
For you, the quail, and for me, the cockerel.
I say that women who appreciate food...
Marcello!
Pirate.
Privateer.
Forgive him. He's an airline pilot. He hangs out with anyone.
- At my command, Ugo! - Present!
Are you cold?
I have alabaster skin.
Eat it.
You're not hungry?
I don't really like eating.
You've fallen out of luck here, then.
I think so, yes.
It's not necessary to act like a beast at the dinner table.
Italians abroad.
I raise my glass, I do not know for what reason,
but I raise it all the same.
Excuse me.
Thinking upon our morning's conversation,
I must say I really appreciate your theories on education.
Loosen up, for God's sake.
If I can't eat, I get uncomfortable.
- Are you okay, sweetie? - Huh?
Are you okay?
Open your belts!
Fasten or unfasten your belts?
This is Captain Minghetti speaking.
To the cockpit!
Marcello!
I'm okay.
So you've tasted the fatted chickens?
Now we're moving on to pork.
Pardon me.
Present. Ugo.
Naturally. Here.
The banderillas!
What a marvellous evening!
Come here. Close the door.
Take off your panties.
Eat.
Here.
Take off your coat.
Do you like the car?
Very much so. I love it.
What kind of car is it?
A Bugatti.
- This, do you know...? - What is it for?
It's a manifold.
- Do you like it? - Yes, a lot.
It's cold!
Don't worry. It will warm up.
- It's cold. - Yes, like that.
- Do you like it? - Yes.
Do you like it hard like that?
Wanting to be Marlon Brando is vanity.
Mr. Brando, Marlon is a sort of epiphenomenon.
- It's very good. - Vanity of vanities.
Oh, Marlon, come here, you.
Would you like some?
It's really delicious, you know?
It makes me very happy.
My love, my love!
I love you so much, you know?
Are you okay? Are you feeling good?
It's a very sensual melody.
You'll see.
Besides food, all is epiphenomenal.
Sand, beaches, skiing, love, work.
Your bed. Epiphenomenon.
As in Ecclesiastes, anitas vanitatis.
Eat some.
Eat.
Eat, girl.
Eat it, you bitch.
Eat.
I'm not hungry.
- Eat. - No.
Eat!
It's funny, I've never met a judge.
It must be great to reign over justice.
It's mostly about implementing the law.
It's often different.
You know, it's beautiful what you've just said.
It seems as though the two of us are all alone.
In the country somewhere.
- Are you scared of me? - No.
No, it's because there are two buttons missing.
Oh, my poor little dear.
If you'd like, I can sew them back on.
- You can do that? - Yes, of course.
- That's nice of you. - Come on.
Come along, my poor frightened judge.
Here, eat.
Ugo.
Ugo, please.
Let's take a short break and have some fun upstairs together.
- No. - Huh?
We have lots of time.
- But... - Later, eat. Eat.
But that's all we've been doing!
Here.
Don't be afraid, I won't prick you.
You're lucky you found a domestic fairy.
Poor little dear.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Miss.
I mean, Andréa.
I'm sorry. Pardon me.
Miss...
Let me officially ask you to marry me.
Please.
Wake up!
Wake up.
My mother died when I was two and a half years old.
My nurse raised me. That's her.
Poor Philippe.
- Isn't she beautiful? - Very beautiful.
- A pretty face. - Yes.
Excuse me, we're waiting for you in the living room.
Can't you knock before entering, Marcello?
What an idiot.
Don't worry, we'll quickly legitimise our situation.
I'm the clown.
Ugo, do you know my friend?
She's marvellously soft.
Come on. I'll present you to her.
Come on.
On the operating table, the redhead is dying.
The body of a woman is a vanity.
Oh, vanity. Oh, vanity. Oh, vanity.
The body of a woman is a vanity.
Marcello.
Oh, vanity. Oh, vanity.
Vanitas.
Gentlemen.
I have an important message to impart.
Gentlemen, please! Michel, Michel!
Miss Andréa and I have decided to wed.
No, Andréa.
Marcello! Marcello!
There!
Good morning.
I'm leaving. I vomited all night.
You can settle the money with Annie.
Yes.
Goodbye.
Goodbye, darling.
Goodbye, everybody!
Goodbye, Gita!
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
Oh, joy!
Michel, please join us at the table.
I hate these rustic checkered curtains.
We'll change them. No big deal.
So, every weekend you lock yourselves in to eat?
No.
Only every now and then.
When you come here, do you always eat this much?
This time, it's different.
No, Marcello.
Philippe.
It'd be better with some salad.
After all, dykes are right.
Men are so annoying, you know.
What must we do to amuse you?
Something else besides eat, eat, eat, always eating.
Like play the pan flute?
For example, yes.
Thank you.
Here.
A Provencal pizza.
All the aroma of the Mediterranean.
And the radiance of your eyes.
You're grotesque. Grotesque and disgusting.
Why do you eat if you're not hungry? It's not possible. It can't be hunger.
Marcello.
Marcello!
Michel is sick. He's asking for you.
I'm coming.
I don't feel well. Don't be mean, Marcello.
- Go easy. - Relax.
Marcello, don't be mean.
It's horrible.
When I was little, my mother...
My mother would always punish me severely.
And this is the first time...
This is the first time, as an adult...
Cut the tragedy, spread your legs.
- Push. - Oh, no!
Are you relieved?
It's decongesting.
Push.
Come on, a bit more.
- You don't chew enough. - Marcello, don't be mean.
Mm, yeah. Like this. That feels good.
Here, some nice purée.
Some good purée. It's the wrong adjective...
- This isn't the time, Philippe. - Would you like some?
- To absorb the air. - No, no, no.
Michel.
I made it especially for you.
You're making a mistake, Michel.
You should have some, you know.
No!
- It will make you feel better. - No!
- Today I feel like a housewife. - Hey, easy on the crockery!
I want to vomit.
- Andréa, would you like some? - Yes, Philippe, I love purée.
It's not bad.
Thank you.
It's missing a little butter, I think.
I did it on purpose.
Of course, it's medicinal purée.
Medicinal purée?
Yes.
Not bad at all.
Come on.
They're all going to die of it, so...
Make an effort, Michel.
It's a question of will.
It's true.
Think of yourself as an Indian in Bombay, a little Indian.
And you're hungry.
You're very hungry.
Yes, you're very hungry, so what do you do? You eat.
Come on.
Are you thinking it?
So?
Eat some more.
Eat some more, my little Michel.
Eat.
If you don't eat...
...you won't die.
You must eat.
You must eat!
I thought Philippe should be the first.
The judge!
They're crazy!
Remain calm, remain calm.
If they want to commit suicide, then they should.
Come on, Andréa, let's leave.
Will you leave with us?
All four of them are imbeciles.
Idiots with mental deficiencies.
Thank you.
You're wasting your time.
Leave with us.
No.
I'm staying.
What a tableau.
Marvellous. A Sterlini still life.
Who?
A friend of mine.
A great painter, great painter.
I'm not sure eating starch is a good idea for my aerophagy.
Yes, it is.
I'm hungry!
It will make you feel better.
With my name.
That was a very delicate touch of Ugo's, to write your name.
- It's very kind. - That's so kind.
It looks delicious.
I'm having trouble articulating.
Diabetes.
Do you know the origin of the sauce, Michel?
Do you know the story of the Italian sauces
that were offered as a gift by the Gonzagas...?
No, no.
Still feeling sick?
No, no.
Are you feeling OK?
Good.
Philippe.
Philippe, courage.
Everything will be fine. Take it slow.
I felt tired for a moment.
Tortellini with cream and mushrooms.
I want some more.
Sure, hold on a second.
Thank you.
Would it bother you, Marcello...
...if I were to lie down on your bed?
Sure.
Thanks.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm shivering.
With Philippe's permission, come with me.
I'm going to lie down, too. I'm cold. I don't feel too good.
Of course, Michel, if it's for your health.
- Make yourself comfortable. - Yes.
No, no, it's not a good idea to all get on Marcello's bed.
It's...
Here you go. Trousers down.
Are you all right?
I'm all right.
Michel.
Come on, Michel.
Michel, I'm a woman, come on.
Don't get sick, okay?
We must do it, but while staying alive.
Who's cooking?
- Sleep, Philippe, sleep. - Is there someone in the kitchen?
Yes, yes.
Michel, come on, it's your fault.
You got me excited when we were dancing, come on.
Come on, here, touch me. Feel how wet I am.
Good night.
See how the blood stirs.
It descends, it descends.
Shit.
Shit!
Shit, shit!
Tell me, Philippe.
Have you ever sent someone to the guillotine?
It's different.
I saw you sleep with Michel.
It's not important.
I would marry you, even if you slept with everybody.
I know. You're very understanding.
There's a button that's undone here.
Later.
For now, the turkeys.
Do you want a religious wedding?
Whatever you prefer.
Look, Marcello, she's the one who's killing them.
A female assassin.
I knew it.
Are you happy?
Yes, yes, get on.
Is it working?
It's working, yes.
How's your baby?
Please...
Don't joke about that.
Do you feel the noise it's making?
What do you think of this new communal living?
What communal living?
The bed.
It's me that should be asking you, since you're benefiting.
Please.
You've found the solution.
Well, one has to have fun.
We have a long road ahead.
It's fantastic.
But I wanted to, uh...
- Marcello. - Come with me.
- No. - Come on.
Philippe...
- Come with me. - No.
Come along.
Come on.
Come. There's a surprise.
Behave yourself.
Behave, go back to sleep.
Sleep.
Get in.
What a beautiful car.
You're the first to have the honour to try it out.
You're very kind, Marcellino.
Does it work?
It works.
What a romantic spot.
Marcellino.
Take off your coat.
No, Marcello, I'm completely naked.
Take it off.
It's too cold.
All night long, I thought of you.
You never looked at me.
That's not true, come on. Take it off.
Philippe.
Come here, Ugo.
So?
Turn around.
Show me your cheeks.
No.
- Come on, pull it up. - No.
Pull it up.
- Think of Philippe. - Philippe loves you.
I don't care.
I'm still going to marry her.
She's doing that as an act of kindness.
Not by vice.
Understood?
- Understood? - Yes, yes, yes.
Good.
If you're good, we're all good.
Come on, let's eat.
Come to the table!
To the table! We're eating!
Come to the table!
"Accompanied by an ornamental dish with toast
and a layer of sturgeon caviar,
garnished with a bed of olives
two slices of lemon, cedar, and sugar.
Dessert.
Four plates of fried pieces of dried figs,
quartered oranges, sprinkled with sugar..."
Stop it. You're making me nauseous.
It's a beautiful recipe.
It's not done.
Why are you sulking?
I'm not sulking.
You're very handsome today.
Miss, would you please?
Philippe, please understand.
Quite a fucker, our Marcello.
Why isn't there any stuffing in this turkey?
Ugo, why didn't you stuff it? It's stupid, it's sad.
You must call things as they are, my dear Philippe.
It's sinister like this.
It's dry.
Look at this.
It has no spirit.
You can eat something else.
There's purée, crème of...
Apple sauce and chestnut purée.
And the stuffing?
Life stuffs you.
Stop eating.
Stop it.
Marcellino.
Chestnut purée is one of my vices.
Then it's a solitary vice, because I hate it.
On the other hand, I love apple sauce, because it's very sweet.
Too bad there are no pears.
You must do it!
I must do it!
I do it every night of my life.
Lower your head.
Shut your mouth!
Shit!
I have to do it!
Marcello, it's not my fault.
It's not your fault! It's not your fault!
You don't understand anything! We can't eat ourselves to death!
I'm leaving!
Relax, Marcello, calm down.
What's wrong? What's going on, Marcello?
He's right.
- What's that? - I'm too fat.
- No, Andréa. - Yes.
- Listen, you're not, no way. - My little dove.
You're beautiful. You're not fat.
You're soft. You're gracious.
You're light.
And you cook well.
- Isn't that true, Ugo? - Yes.
She's sensual, as well.
You're three idiots!
That's the right word.
You can think you'll eat yourself to death because you're all castrated!
- Marcello, please, castrated? - Yes.
If anyone's castrated, it's you. You just proved it.
No, the three of you are!
Shut up! This isn't the time!
Stop!
You want to beat me up? Come on then!
Just because you guys couldn't fuck her properly!
- Even I! Couldn't. - This isn't the time!
Is that understood? It's him with his jealousy.
There's no woman in this story.
You had to choose the most vulgar woman.
Go and wash your mouth out.
Understand? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Freshen up? I don't need to freshen up!
It's you! You all need to freshen up your ideas!
Look at this. What's this?
Shit! Shit!
Marcello!
- Are you hurt? - I'm covered in shit!
How ghastly, it's flooding!
- Go fuck yourselves! - Shit! How horrible, my God!
Ugo!
Come help me!
It's a catastrophe!
It's horrible! It's filthy!
It's appalling! It's monstrous!
Don't leave me alone!
The explosion.
Help me!
- Don't leave me alone like this! - Oh God, God, God, God, God!
Come here!
Ugo! Philippe!
Philippe!
It's full of filth!
I think Ugo might be a bit sick.
Yes, I think so.
Help me!
Me? Stay here? Are you crazy?
It's snowing.
And windy.
A snowstorm.
The smell of shit will never leave us.
Aren't you two tired?
Michel, after all the work we did...
With this smell, we can't fall asleep.
Come on, let's sleep.
The universal flood.
Of shit.
Marcello is fighting a plastic monster by his car.
Did you see him? He was afraid to die.
He has left.
Michel.
Michel, easy now. Shut up.
The neighbours...
Philippe, we have to bury him.
Out of the question.
The illegal burial of corpses is severely punished by the law.
Article... I don't remember.
It's cold.
- Is it ready? - It's ready.
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
Thank you, Ugo.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes...
Listen.
What are you doing?
Secret of the trade.
A marvellous flavour.
Can I taste it?
My head hurts.
You didn't sleep well?
I slept fine, but my head hurts.
Can I taste?
Your mouth smells like borscht.
No.
Come here.
I have an idea.
- Yes? - Yes.
What is it? Tell me.
Tell me.
Tart Andréa.
- Fantastic! - Let's see.
Yes.
Here.
One, two, three!
Come on, push, push.
Push!
Oh, Ugo.
You'll see, you'll see, what a tart.
Good morning, Philippe.
Good morning, Marcello.
I'm trying to exercise...
...but I'm a bit tired.
Did you know I found straws?
In the kitchen.
For the hot chocolate.
I was an anti-aircraft officer.
Go to breakfast. There's a surprise.
A big surprise.
Lie down.
So, are we going to eat this tart or what?
You scared me. I thought it was Marcello.
Come on.
Good morning, Marcello.
No, it's not Marcello.
But he's wearing the pilot's insignia.
Did you see?
It's the Andréa cake.
Her rear.
Would you like a piece?
No, thank you.
It looks good, but not right now.
Later.
You're eating here?
Cut it, Ugo.
You play well, Marcello.
Almost as well as Michel.
Thank you.
Here's your piece.
We've got used to it.
Michel.
Come here, come here, damned beasts!
The most difficult part of this dish
is to establish the relationship between the flavour of the wine
and the moment the dish is ready.
It has to soak in the same wine in which it will be partly cooked.
The final cooking stage will be done in a brioche dough.
That's it.
OK?
So, let's begin.
Excuse me, my friend, but...
OK.
Sherry for the poultry.
Easy.
Around.
That's enough.
Port for the duck.
And champagne for the goose.
There.
More?
A little bit more.
There. How's everything?
- Fine, and you? - Good.
Eat. Eat my brioche.
You'll see.
I like dipping brioche in milk.
Especially for your diabetes.
Why the egg slices?
Because eggs, according to the Jews,
are the symbol of death.
I could become a billionaire in a month
if I prepared this dish for others.
But the others will never know what they're missing.
On the other hand, to us...
...and our friends...
...I raise my glass.
There.
You have the honour.
We're going to cut it.
How can you cut this?
We can't cut slices, it's...
It's too big, this thing.
- Too big? - Yes.
This is a poem.
Well, your poem is too big.
Listen, with the fork.
A little bite.
How is it?
It's shit.
Excuse me, Andréa.
- It's shit! - No, you're not sincere.
It's a shit poem.
Andréa, you taste.
Please.
It's good, no?
It's good, Ugo, but it won't go down.
We must eat.
Well, I'll eat it all.
I'm going to cut it.
There.
It's fabulous.
Fabulous.
Ciao, Marcello.
Ciao, Michel.
I'm going to sleep for a while.
Are you coming, Andréa?
No, I'm staying here with Ugo.
I'm going to keep him company.
Thank you.
Go! Go!
Yes, good night.
Good night, Philippe.
Goose pâté, poultry pâté.
Duck pâté.
Michel, Marcello.
Philippe says it's shit.
It's awesome.
Philippe.
Come down to the kitchen to see Ugo.
He needs to stop eating. Come on.
Ugo is a big boy. He knows what he's doing.
Come on, the both of us will tell him to stop.
I have no influence over him.
Yes, we'll get him to stop.
Ugo.
Stop.
Stop now.
That's enough.
Stop.
Otherwise you'll die.
Shut up, dogs!
Shut up!
Stop barking.
There.
Tomorrow you'll make me another pâté.
I'll eat it.
I'm heating up some water for you, Ugo.
It's good with sugar, to digest.
No, no.
Andréa.
Yes?
Listen.
You owe me something.
You know?
Yes.
It's so good.
Oh, yes.
It's good.
Yes.
I'm leaving you the tower as a souvenir.
Thank you.
Yes, Andréa.
Yes.
More.
More!
Ugo.
He's dead.
Ugo.
Come on, Philippe. Let's go to bed.
What should we do with Ugo?
We're going to leave him here in the kitchen.
It's his domain.
We'll worry about it tomorrow morning.
You're so ravenous, Ugo.
You eat too much.
You always ate too much.
For you.
It's very sweet.
And very good.
Come and sit by me.
Marcello.
Michel.
And Ugo.
God knows what they think of me.
That's enough, Ugo. Stop it.
They must think I've abandoned them.
Here we are, the two of us, happy.
And they...
Wait for me, Philippe.
I'm going to go see who's there.
Go straight ahead.
Is there someone home?
Stop.
- Hello, Miss. - Hello, sir.
It's the meat. Where should we put it?
In the garden.
- In the garden? - Yes, in the garden.
- It's good meat. - Yes, in the garden, over there.
For Ugo.
A meat delivery just arrived.
Can you move over? Come on.
- Is it good? - Very good, Philippe.
Is it stamped "Grade A"?
Yes.
It's the best.
Because last time...
...it wasn't the best.
You'll tell your boss
that last time the veal
was second-rate.
Philippe.
Excuse me.
Are you feeling better?
I'm cold.
I'm so cold.
I'm cold!
Philippe.
Philippe!
Is it all right like that, Miss?
Meat in the garden.