1
00:00:44,333 --> 00:00:47,375
[plodding tuba music playing]
2
00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:10,166
{\an8}[lively piano music playing]
3
00:01:17,916 --> 00:01:20,958
-[cockney man 1] Bleedin' wogs!
-[cockney man 2] All right.
4
00:01:21,041 --> 00:01:22,000
[man 1] Chinese!
5
00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:25,750
-They've taken the world over.
-[man 2] They were Japanese, pater.
6
00:01:25,833 --> 00:01:28,541
[man 1] Same thing.
They've all got them slitty eyes.
7
00:01:28,625 --> 00:01:31,541
[man 2] Tourists bring money
into the country.
8
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:33,916
[man 1] They shouldn't be taking pictures.
9
00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:36,750
They go around, snap, snap, snap!
Go back to Tokyo.
10
00:01:36,833 --> 00:01:39,333
-[ man 2] Oh, Gawd!
-[man 1] I've seen it, son.
11
00:01:42,458 --> 00:01:44,708
[Dad] That marriage
didn't last very long.
12
00:01:44,791 --> 00:01:48,333
[son] Can't you keep your vicious
cakehole shut for five minutes?
13
00:01:48,916 --> 00:01:52,041
[lively piano music continues]
14
00:01:58,125 --> 00:02:00,958
I knew it was a mistake,
right from the start.
15
00:02:01,041 --> 00:02:04,625
I don't know why you wanted
to get tied up with that dodgy bird.
16
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:08,875
When we get home, I'll ram your lips
under the sewing machine!
17
00:02:08,958 --> 00:02:10,291
Blanket stitch!
18
00:02:27,375 --> 00:02:34,208
["Steptoe" theme plays]
19
00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:39,333
Oh, Gawd! Another two quid. File it.
20
00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:54,958
Pull up a bit.
21
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,500
Come on, then.
22
00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:32,458
[horse farts]
23
00:03:32,958 --> 00:03:34,375
Go on, then.
24
00:03:38,916 --> 00:03:40,250
Have one?
25
00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:43,375
No, thank you very much. Phew!
26
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,333
You've got some disgusting habits,
you really have.
27
00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:53,833
Not as bad as some of yours
that came out in the Divorce Court.
28
00:03:53,916 --> 00:03:55,708
Dirty little swine.
29
00:03:55,791 --> 00:03:59,875
Making love with the lights on
is not considered a sexual deviation
30
00:03:59,958 --> 00:04:00,958
these days.
31
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,875
-I never did it.
-I don't blame you.
32
00:04:02,958 --> 00:04:04,625
You wouldn't have got nothing.
33
00:04:04,708 --> 00:04:08,833
I had my share, mate, don't you worry.
Your mother never complained.
34
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:12,458
Keep a woman satisfied
and she don't wander very far.
35
00:04:12,541 --> 00:04:15,125
Zita was kept well satisfied, thank you.
36
00:04:15,208 --> 00:04:17,041
Yeah, by who?
37
00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,333
-Whoa! Whoa!
-[tires screech]
38
00:04:19,416 --> 00:04:23,000
Listen, one more remark like that
and you'll go under the next bus.
39
00:04:23,083 --> 00:04:24,875
She only left me because of you!
40
00:04:24,958 --> 00:04:26,250
-Me?
-Yeah, you.
41
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:29,625
You never liked her.
You tried to break it up from the word go.
42
00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:31,791
Frightened of being left on your own.
43
00:04:31,875 --> 00:04:34,750
-Couldn't stand me being happy.
-[car horn honking]
44
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:35,916
Piss off!
45
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:41,666
[spluttering] I'm so sorry.
46
00:04:44,958 --> 00:04:47,333
Doomed from the start it was,
I told you so.
47
00:04:47,416 --> 00:04:49,875
You was too good for her,
that was the trouble.
48
00:04:50,583 --> 00:04:51,750
Different class.
49
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,291
-What do you mean?
-Common, she was.
50
00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:57,250
Cor blimey! We ain't exactly
a couple of Jeremy Thorpes.
51
00:04:57,333 --> 00:04:58,458
That's not the point.
52
00:04:58,541 --> 00:05:01,291
You can be poor without being common.
She was common.
53
00:05:01,375 --> 00:05:04,333
She was no good, Harold.
I curse the day you met her.
54
00:05:04,416 --> 00:05:07,541
[voice echoes dreamily]
Everything was all right up to then.
55
00:05:07,625 --> 00:05:10,333
That was the day
everything started to go wrong.
56
00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:17,166
["Steptoe" theme continues]
57
00:05:20,083 --> 00:05:21,708
Whoa, whoa!
58
00:05:25,916 --> 00:05:29,041
[whacking]
59
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:38,416
[whacking continues]
60
00:05:54,416 --> 00:05:55,875
Ow!
61
00:05:57,583 --> 00:06:00,916
-[Harold continues laughing]
-[Dad yells furiously]
62
00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:09,750
[muffled protesting]
63
00:06:11,583 --> 00:06:13,833
I can't hear a word you're saying!
64
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,083
You clumsy great pillock!
65
00:06:18,458 --> 00:06:20,583
I might have put me elbow out of joint.
66
00:06:20,666 --> 00:06:24,041
I'll put your bloody nose
out of joint in a minute!
67
00:06:24,666 --> 00:06:29,250
Look at my washing. Filthy!
I wanted that shirt clean for tonight.
68
00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,166
Why? Where are you going?
69
00:06:31,250 --> 00:06:34,125
-Out!
-Out?
70
00:06:36,791 --> 00:06:40,041
-Out? I'll come with you.
-Yeah?
71
00:06:40,125 --> 00:06:41,958
No, you wouldn't be interested.
72
00:06:43,708 --> 00:06:44,958
I dunno.
73
00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:47,666
-No, you're past it.
-Past it?
74
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,375
Where are you going?
75
00:06:49,458 --> 00:06:50,916
Down the football club.
76
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,291
Eh, what do I want to go down
to the football club for?
77
00:06:54,375 --> 00:06:57,250
Bleedin' awful team.
I wouldn't go down there…
78
00:06:57,333 --> 00:06:59,666
-There's a stag night on tonight.
-If you--
79
00:07:00,708 --> 00:07:04,083
-Stag night?
-Fundraising. You know, the usual.
80
00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:08,375
Comic, compère, couple of strippers
and a poofy old drag act.
81
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:12,833
-You wouldn't be interested.
-Strippers?
82
00:07:13,375 --> 00:07:14,708
Yeah.
83
00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:17,541
Not your cup of tea.
84
00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:24,291
Maybe I mightn't mind going down with you.
Just to keep you company.
85
00:07:24,375 --> 00:07:26,083
I wouldn't want you to be bored.
86
00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:28,291
I won't be bored.
87
00:07:28,375 --> 00:07:30,291
I like… comics.
88
00:07:30,375 --> 00:07:32,125
I like a bit of a laugh.
89
00:07:32,208 --> 00:07:33,666
So you'd like to go then?
90
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:36,583
Just to see what it's like.
91
00:07:37,166 --> 00:07:39,166
I could be doing with a night out.
92
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,750
Gets very lonely,
in 'ere all day on my own.
93
00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:47,416
-Well, I'd better go and get ready.
-Oi!
94
00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:50,750
It don't start for three hours.
95
00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:52,583
We don't want to be late, do we?
96
00:07:52,666 --> 00:07:54,916
Want to get up front, not miss anything.
97
00:07:55,583 --> 00:07:59,208
I hope they're not skinny birds.
I hate skinny birds.
98
00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:06,541
I like big thighs.
Great big walnut crushers! Cor!
99
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,416
I'm beginning to wish
I hadn't mentioned it.
100
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:15,916
He'll be in an intensive care unit
before the night is out.
101
00:08:16,791 --> 00:08:19,375
[crowd cheering on TV]
102
00:08:19,458 --> 00:08:21,541
[sports commentator] Intercepted by him.
103
00:08:23,291 --> 00:08:24,791
Come on, lads. Play on.
104
00:08:25,291 --> 00:08:27,958
That's it, that's it!
That's moving, that's moving.
105
00:08:30,125 --> 00:08:32,791
-Can I use that after you?
-I beg your pardon?
106
00:08:32,875 --> 00:08:35,458
-I want a bath.
-A bath?
107
00:08:35,541 --> 00:08:37,791
I didn't know
it was the Queen's birthday.
108
00:08:37,875 --> 00:08:41,666
I want to look nice for tonight.
Come on. Let's get in after you.
109
00:08:41,750 --> 00:08:43,500
Certainly not!
110
00:08:43,583 --> 00:08:47,458
Bathing in other people's water?
Ew, that is disgusting.
111
00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:51,625
You're not dirty.
You're always washing. Look!
112
00:08:52,750 --> 00:08:54,750
-You can see the bottom.
-No!
113
00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:59,833
And we won't have time
to fill it up again, we'll be late!
114
00:08:59,916 --> 00:09:02,333
You'll just have to
use the kitchen, won't you?
115
00:09:02,416 --> 00:09:05,541
-Give us the scrubbing brush, then.
-No, I'm using it.
116
00:09:05,625 --> 00:09:07,458
You can use the hammer and chisel.
117
00:09:07,541 --> 00:09:09,833
[sports commentator]
First time charging. Oh!
118
00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,791
[cheering on TV continues]
119
00:09:14,166 --> 00:09:17,166
[sports commentator]
A beautiful bit of timing by Sheldon.
120
00:09:24,458 --> 00:09:27,833
Gonna miss it,
gonna miss it, gonna miss it…
121
00:09:27,916 --> 00:09:30,583
[groans]
122
00:09:32,375 --> 00:09:35,458
[man on TV] I will ask you now
123
00:09:35,541 --> 00:09:38,250
to attempt the classical lotus posture,
124
00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:40,958
and I think the best way to begin
125
00:09:41,041 --> 00:09:43,708
is if you stretch your legs straight out.
126
00:09:43,791 --> 00:09:45,500
All right?
127
00:09:45,583 --> 00:09:50,750
♪ Kingdoms may come
Kingdoms may go ♪
128
00:09:50,833 --> 00:09:53,875
[hums]
129
00:09:54,375 --> 00:09:59,000
♪ Old Father Thames keeps rolling along ♪
130
00:09:59,083 --> 00:10:04,083
♪ Down to the mighty… sea ♪
131
00:10:15,833 --> 00:10:17,458
Evening, Mrs. Hobbs.
132
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:20,833
[trumpets loudly]
133
00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:28,291
♪ Down to the mighty sea ♪
134
00:10:28,375 --> 00:10:30,500
♪ Kingdoms may… ♪
135
00:10:31,416 --> 00:10:34,250
Do you mind? That is for washing plates.
136
00:10:34,875 --> 00:10:37,083
Come on, hurry up. We ain't got all night.
137
00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:39,000
You rotten little… Ah!
138
00:10:39,916 --> 00:10:41,500
-It's cold!
-How can it be?
139
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,458
You've only lost one layer of dirt.
140
00:10:43,541 --> 00:10:44,833
Get dressed.
141
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:48,791
Harold, where's the towel?
142
00:10:49,375 --> 00:10:52,291
-[Harold] It's wet.
-How am I going to dry myself, then?
143
00:10:52,375 --> 00:10:54,416
[Harold] Use your handkerchief.
144
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:57,500
[Harold hums]
145
00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:12,791
[woman screaming]
146
00:11:13,791 --> 00:11:14,666
[woman screaming]
147
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,833
[screaming continues]
148
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:24,291
Harold!
149
00:11:24,791 --> 00:11:27,541
-[lively piano music playing]
-He's got them.
150
00:11:29,125 --> 00:11:30,625
Tonight's the night, eh?
151
00:11:41,666 --> 00:11:43,083
Grab those two over there.
152
00:11:43,166 --> 00:11:45,333
-Shut up!
-I can't see anything back here!
153
00:11:45,416 --> 00:11:47,958
Excuse me, guv.
Do you mind moving up a bit? Ta.
154
00:11:49,125 --> 00:11:51,125
-Go on.
-Eh…
155
00:11:51,875 --> 00:11:54,375
[piano music continues]
156
00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:57,541
Here, these seats are no good.
I can't see.
157
00:11:57,625 --> 00:12:00,416
You'll just have to jump
up and down, won't you?
158
00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:03,416
-Here, I can't see.
-Hard luck.
159
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,416
You should have come earlier, Dad.
160
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,625
Swap seats. I'm an old-age pensioner.
161
00:12:07,708 --> 00:12:09,916
You shouldn't be here,
you dirty old devil.
162
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,083
Eh! Anybody'd think
you'd never seen a bit of crumpet.
163
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,958
Oi! I'll look after him.
164
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,458
[music stops]
165
00:12:22,416 --> 00:12:23,916
Good evening, gentlemen.
166
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,000
Good evening, gentlemen!
167
00:12:28,083 --> 00:12:30,041
[crowd] Good evening!
168
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,250
Before we go any further…
169
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:34,916
How about some drinks?
I'll have a pint of bitter.
170
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:36,208
It's just starting.
171
00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:38,375
You don't want go when the crumpet's on.
172
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:39,458
You've got a point.
173
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:41,583
-Any Scottish people in tonight?
-Yeah!
174
00:12:41,666 --> 00:12:44,500
-Who paid for your ticket?
-[crowd laughing]
175
00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:48,500
Listen, there's two geese
flying up the M1.
176
00:12:48,583 --> 00:12:50,208
As they're flying up there--
177
00:12:50,958 --> 00:12:53,583
What's the matter?
Something wrong with your back?
178
00:12:53,666 --> 00:12:56,291
-That's good. That's very good.
-[crowd laughing]
179
00:12:57,291 --> 00:12:59,125
Don't forget to shake it, will you?
180
00:13:01,458 --> 00:13:03,125
[comedian] Listen, fellas.
181
00:13:03,208 --> 00:13:05,375
So these two geese are flying up the M1
182
00:13:05,458 --> 00:13:07,625
and a jumbo jet goes over the top of 'em.
183
00:13:08,291 --> 00:13:11,541
And one goose said to the other, "Harry."
Because he knew him.
184
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:14,208
He said,
"Harry, I wish I could fly like that."
185
00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,916
He said, "You would
if you had four bums on fire."
186
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:25,416
Half a bitter and a vodka martini, please.
187
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,666
-Any olives?
-Any particular color?
188
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:30,875
-I only asked.
-Bleeding jokers.
189
00:13:35,583 --> 00:13:36,583
Hello.
190
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:38,541
Hello.
191
00:13:39,541 --> 00:13:41,208
Are you… in the show?
192
00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:44,208
-I'm not one of the football team, am I?
-Huh?
193
00:13:45,916 --> 00:13:47,916
You couldn't do any worse this season.
194
00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:51,875
Thirty-six, please.
195
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:54,375
Yes, miss?
196
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:56,666
-A gin and tonic and--
-Do let me get this.
197
00:13:56,750 --> 00:13:59,833
-I'm getting one for my friend as well.
-What's she having?
198
00:13:59,916 --> 00:14:01,416
A bottle of Guiness.
199
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,791
A large gin and tonic
and a bottle of Guiness, please.
200
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,708
-Very kind of you.
-'Tis my pleasure.
201
00:14:08,791 --> 00:14:12,250
It's very nice of you
to come down 'ere and entertain us.
202
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,166
I'm getting paid, you know.
203
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,583
Oh, yeah. Yes, of course.
204
00:14:16,666 --> 00:14:18,458
Seventy-nine, altogether.
205
00:14:20,916 --> 00:14:22,250
Thank you.
206
00:14:22,333 --> 00:14:24,083
-Thank you very much.
-Not at all.
207
00:14:24,166 --> 00:14:25,833
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
208
00:14:25,916 --> 00:14:27,625
[cash register bell rings]
209
00:14:28,291 --> 00:14:30,750
-Where are you sitting?
-Out there.
210
00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:32,625
I guessed that, but where?
211
00:14:32,708 --> 00:14:37,041
Oh! At the back, unfortunately.
On the right.
212
00:14:37,125 --> 00:14:39,625
On the right. Cheers.
213
00:14:39,708 --> 00:14:40,916
[barman] Gawd help us!
214
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,291
Cheers.
215
00:14:49,458 --> 00:14:50,958
[barman] Twenty-one change.
216
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:54,125
-Oi, your change.
-Oh.
217
00:14:55,708 --> 00:14:57,416
That's a nice girl, ain't she?
218
00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,500
-A scrubber.
-Pardon?
219
00:14:59,583 --> 00:15:01,500
They're all scrubbers, ain't they?
220
00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:05,250
Oh, yeah. Definitely. Definitely.
221
00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:07,416
This girl went to the doctor.
222
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,916
She said,
"I got a funny gurgling in my tummy."
223
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:11,958
So he examined her.
224
00:15:12,833 --> 00:15:15,666
-You've got Hush-Puppies on, mate.
[crowd laughing]
225
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:18,875
You can tell,
'cause one's weed over the other one.
226
00:15:22,333 --> 00:15:25,500
Where have you been?
I was going to send out a search party.
227
00:15:26,583 --> 00:15:28,875
I still can't see.
They'll be on in a minute.
228
00:15:28,958 --> 00:15:31,416
I've paid
and I'm entitled to see the crumpet.
229
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:33,375
I've just met a piece of it.
230
00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:36,083
Did you? Did she have any clothes on?
231
00:15:36,916 --> 00:15:40,458
She's a very nice girl.
I think she fancied me.
232
00:15:40,541 --> 00:15:44,375
Get out of it! You don't think
they'd pick up in a place like this.
233
00:15:44,875 --> 00:15:47,166
Geezers with money, that's what they want.
234
00:15:47,666 --> 00:15:49,083
Or girls!
235
00:15:49,833 --> 00:15:53,125
We're about to introduce
the first of our two neurotic dancers.
236
00:15:53,208 --> 00:15:55,041
I beg your pardon. Exotic dancers.
237
00:15:55,125 --> 00:15:58,500
Here with the pièce de résistance,
namely the crumpet voluntary,
238
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,333
give her a nice big hand,
the very beautiful Zita!
239
00:16:01,416 --> 00:16:03,625
-[crowd cheering]
-[striptease music plays]
240
00:16:09,125 --> 00:16:11,916
[crowd cheering]
241
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,250
[crowd cheering and whistling]
242
00:16:20,875 --> 00:16:25,208
[striptease music continues]
243
00:17:10,291 --> 00:17:14,041
[crowd cheering and whistling]
244
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,166
[crowd cheers wildly]
245
00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:42,750
[crowd yells encouragingly]
246
00:17:59,958 --> 00:18:01,125
Where is she?
247
00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:09,458
Cor! Look at that.
248
00:18:12,250 --> 00:18:15,083
[Dad] Here, Harold, you're missing it.
249
00:18:15,166 --> 00:18:16,791
Come on, get up here.
250
00:18:16,875 --> 00:18:18,875
Get down! Don't be disgusting.
251
00:18:18,958 --> 00:18:20,291
Get 'em off!
252
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:23,916
-Get down!
-Please don't.
253
00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:28,875
Come on. Hold tight. What's the matter?
Get up, behave yourself.
254
00:18:28,958 --> 00:18:31,458
Me glasses! Where's me glasses?
255
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,500
Will you get out of it?
256
00:19:13,666 --> 00:19:16,458
[crowd cheers wildly]
257
00:19:43,541 --> 00:19:47,125
[cheering and whistling intensifies]
258
00:19:54,166 --> 00:19:56,875
[music stops]
259
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,541
-What's that?
-Nothing. Just a note.
260
00:20:03,625 --> 00:20:04,666
Where d'you get it?
261
00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:08,166
Cor blimey! You've got a bigger nose
than Cyrano de Bergerac.
262
00:20:08,250 --> 00:20:09,833
Who's it from? What's it say?
263
00:20:10,458 --> 00:20:11,500
If you must know,
264
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:15,458
the stripper requests the pleasure
of my company for a drink afterwards.
265
00:20:15,541 --> 00:20:17,583
-Get out of it!
-Please yourself.
266
00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:21,000
-You mean you've pulled her?
-Looks like it, don't it?
267
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:24,250
It's not often you're right,
and you're wrong again.
268
00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:27,458
-Yeah…
-Go on. Ta-ra. See you later.
269
00:20:28,291 --> 00:20:31,875
[comedian continues telling jokes]
270
00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:33,875
[laughter dies down]
271
00:20:44,375 --> 00:20:46,083
She's not here, is she?
272
00:20:46,875 --> 00:20:48,833
She's blown you out.
273
00:20:48,916 --> 00:20:50,166
I knew she would.
274
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:53,375
God almighty!
Do you have to follow me everywhere I go?
275
00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:56,916
Can't I be alone for five minutes?
Every time I look, you're there.
276
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,250
You're worse than a fly
on a cow's asshole.
277
00:20:59,333 --> 00:21:01,625
It's a public bar.
I can come here if I like.
278
00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:03,583
Get up that end, then.
279
00:21:03,666 --> 00:21:07,000
-I don't want to.
-I'll go, you stay down here.
280
00:21:11,333 --> 00:21:12,833
Yeah…
281
00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:15,833
She's not coming, anyway.
282
00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:18,291
She's been taking the mickey.
283
00:21:22,041 --> 00:21:23,083
Hello.
284
00:21:24,875 --> 00:21:25,875
Hello.
285
00:21:37,250 --> 00:21:39,833
-Can I get you anything?
-A gin and tonic, please.
286
00:21:40,458 --> 00:21:41,625
Steward,
287
00:21:42,375 --> 00:21:45,500
one large gin and tonic
and a vodka martini.
288
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:47,416
Oi!
289
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:50,708
-And half a bitter for him.
-There's always one, isn't there?
290
00:21:50,791 --> 00:21:52,291
That's my father.
291
00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:54,166
I'm sorry, I didn't realize.
292
00:21:54,791 --> 00:21:56,291
Bears no resemblance to you.
293
00:21:56,375 --> 00:21:59,208
Thank God for that.
I take after my mother.
294
00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:01,083
She was a very lovely woman.
295
00:22:01,666 --> 00:22:04,041
Not that I'm suggesting
I inherited her looks.
296
00:22:04,125 --> 00:22:06,208
I wouldn't want you to think I'm vain.
297
00:22:06,916 --> 00:22:09,708
Most times, I don't look much at all.
298
00:22:09,791 --> 00:22:11,958
I think you're a very attractive man.
299
00:22:12,041 --> 00:22:14,250
-[romantic piano music plays]
-Do you?
300
00:22:15,416 --> 00:22:16,708
Beautiful eyes.
301
00:22:19,083 --> 00:22:21,708
Well, yeah. Of course, that's--
302
00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:26,416
-Do you mind if I smoke?
-Not at all.
303
00:22:28,708 --> 00:22:30,750
[romantic music continues]
304
00:22:33,333 --> 00:22:36,041
Oh, I do apologize.
Would you care for one?
305
00:22:36,125 --> 00:22:37,916
No, thanks. I'm trying to give up.
306
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,500
So am I. It is a filthy habit.
307
00:22:43,541 --> 00:22:45,833
I think you're
the most attractive man here.
308
00:22:48,208 --> 00:22:50,375
Well, I wouldn't say that.
309
00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:58,708
One or two other good-looking boys here.
310
00:23:00,625 --> 00:23:03,375
You probably couldn't see
with the lights and that.
311
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,583
The center half's
a very good-looking fella.
312
00:23:08,541 --> 00:23:09,500
Not for me.
313
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:11,875
It's funny with me.
314
00:23:12,625 --> 00:23:15,166
I know as soon as I walk
into a room who it is.
315
00:23:15,958 --> 00:23:17,125
Who it is?
316
00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:19,875
For me.
317
00:23:23,208 --> 00:23:24,916
Can I get you another drink?
318
00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,000
I haven't had the first one yet.
319
00:23:28,625 --> 00:23:29,958
Here you are.
320
00:23:32,500 --> 00:23:33,666
[barman] Ta.
321
00:23:42,041 --> 00:23:44,125
How long have you been…
322
00:23:44,916 --> 00:23:46,625
Taking my clothes off in public?
323
00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:48,875
I wouldn't put it that way.
324
00:23:48,958 --> 00:23:52,416
They all ask that.
"How long? What for? Do you enjoy it?"
325
00:23:52,500 --> 00:23:55,208
You must hate it.
All those men looking at you.
326
00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:57,000
No, I love it, actually.
327
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:59,041
It gives you a great sense of power.
328
00:23:59,958 --> 00:24:02,166
If you've got a nice body,
why not show it?
329
00:24:02,250 --> 00:24:04,250
Well, quite.
330
00:24:05,125 --> 00:24:06,375
Did you like my body?
331
00:24:08,625 --> 00:24:09,750
Yes.
332
00:24:09,833 --> 00:24:11,875
Yes I did, actually.
333
00:24:12,666 --> 00:24:17,125
I thought you had a… nice shape.
334
00:24:20,375 --> 00:24:22,291
-Hello, Zita.
-Hello, Arthur.
335
00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:24,916
[Arthur]
I'll have a quick one before I go on.
336
00:24:25,000 --> 00:24:26,291
A bevvy, that is.
337
00:24:28,541 --> 00:24:30,666
Right, dear, I can take a hint.
338
00:24:36,250 --> 00:24:38,958
-[barman] Yes, sir?
-A small sherry, please, darling.
339
00:24:39,041 --> 00:24:40,500
I've only got Bristol Cream.
340
00:24:40,583 --> 00:24:43,666
What am I supposed to do with that?
Drink it or rub it in?
341
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,458
-Would you care for a stool, miss?
-Thank you very much, love.
342
00:24:52,125 --> 00:24:54,375
This bloody girdle's killing me.
343
00:24:55,208 --> 00:24:57,916
-Here we are, darling.
-No, I'll do that.
344
00:24:58,625 --> 00:25:00,083
I mean that.
345
00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:03,208
-[Arthur] Aren't you watching the show?
-[Dad] I have been.
346
00:25:03,291 --> 00:25:07,583
Hey, how about coming here
and having a drink with me after?
347
00:25:07,666 --> 00:25:10,000
That's very kind of you. Yes, I'd love to.
348
00:25:11,666 --> 00:25:12,708
Cheers!
349
00:25:12,791 --> 00:25:15,625
-Can I get you another drink?
-No.
350
00:25:15,708 --> 00:25:18,250
I'd like to go now.
351
00:25:18,333 --> 00:25:20,583
Perhaps I may see you again sometime.
352
00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:23,416
Aren't you going to take me home?
353
00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:26,708
[spluttering] Yes, of course.
I'll just check with my dad.
354
00:25:26,791 --> 00:25:29,708
Otherwise he might lock up
and I won't be able to get in.
355
00:25:29,791 --> 00:25:33,875
It's not so much that he locks me out
as he locks himself in.
356
00:25:33,958 --> 00:25:37,250
It's not that I can't stay out
if I want to, but…
357
00:25:38,625 --> 00:25:40,791
Come on. Let's ask your dad.
358
00:25:40,875 --> 00:25:42,208
[Arthur giggling]
359
00:25:45,750 --> 00:25:48,625
I'll see you later, cheeky.
360
00:25:48,708 --> 00:25:49,750
All right, then.
361
00:25:51,833 --> 00:25:54,500
-Dad, I--
-I just pulled her, mate.
362
00:25:54,583 --> 00:25:57,708
The other one.
We're having a drink together after.
363
00:25:57,791 --> 00:26:00,250
-The one who was just--
-I think she fancies me.
364
00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:04,166
-But that wasn't--
-Oh, yes. Congratulations!
365
00:26:04,250 --> 00:26:06,166
You have done well there, Dad.
366
00:26:06,250 --> 00:26:09,625
I'm just taking Zita home.
I might be a bit late.
367
00:26:09,708 --> 00:26:12,500
You carry on.
Don't worry about me, I'll be all right.
368
00:26:12,583 --> 00:26:14,041
Don't lock me out.
369
00:26:14,125 --> 00:26:16,125
Nah, don't you worry.
370
00:26:16,208 --> 00:26:17,750
I might be late myself.
371
00:26:17,833 --> 00:26:20,875
-Here. You'd better take the key.
-Yeah.
372
00:26:22,625 --> 00:26:23,958
Goodnight.
373
00:26:27,125 --> 00:26:28,791
[Zita] It's a shame.
374
00:26:29,500 --> 00:26:32,166
Serves him right, the dirty old man!
375
00:26:41,791 --> 00:26:43,375
-Catch!
-Ta.
376
00:26:43,458 --> 00:26:46,958
[hums classical music]
377
00:26:51,833 --> 00:26:54,750
The lark's on the wing,
the morning's dew-pearled.
378
00:26:54,833 --> 00:26:59,291
Old God's in His Heaven,
all's well with the world!
379
00:27:03,250 --> 00:27:04,500
Oops!
380
00:27:11,166 --> 00:27:13,583
[snoring]
381
00:27:15,416 --> 00:27:17,875
[snoring continues]
382
00:27:24,916 --> 00:27:28,041
[snoring intensifies]
383
00:27:41,041 --> 00:27:44,291
Ow! What's that? Who's there? Get out!
384
00:27:44,375 --> 00:27:47,250
It's you, thank Gawd.
385
00:27:47,333 --> 00:27:48,916
Where the hell have you been?
386
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,333
You know very well.
387
00:27:50,416 --> 00:27:53,041
-What? Until this time?
-Yeah.
388
00:27:53,125 --> 00:27:54,791
What's it got to do with you?
389
00:27:54,875 --> 00:27:57,583
If you want to be out all night,
find your own place.
390
00:27:57,666 --> 00:28:00,416
If I had that,
I wouldn't be out all night.
391
00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:03,375
I've been waiting
since one o'clock in the morning!
392
00:28:03,458 --> 00:28:06,125
-You could have waited inside.
-I couldn't get in.
393
00:28:06,208 --> 00:28:07,333
You've got the key.
394
00:28:07,916 --> 00:28:10,875
Oh, put your teeth in
and get the breakfast on.
395
00:28:13,416 --> 00:28:16,166
You dirty old man!
396
00:28:17,083 --> 00:28:19,166
The horse has got to drink out of that!
397
00:28:20,125 --> 00:28:24,125
If that horse's teeth start falling out,
I'm holding you responsible!
398
00:28:24,208 --> 00:28:25,750
[horse neighs]
399
00:28:29,416 --> 00:28:31,708
How did you get on
with that girl last night?
400
00:28:31,791 --> 00:28:35,333
-It wasn't a bleeding girl, was it?
-Not a girl? Not really?
401
00:28:35,416 --> 00:28:37,916
You knew bloody well it wasn't.
It was a fella!
402
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,583
No! You are joking!
403
00:28:40,666 --> 00:28:43,625
Oh, dear! What a surprise!
404
00:28:43,708 --> 00:28:47,041
My dad going out to dinner
with a transvestite.
405
00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:51,000
You're not turning ginger, are you?
You'll be kicked out of the Tory party.
406
00:28:51,083 --> 00:28:53,083
-Yeah…
-I dunno, though.
407
00:28:53,166 --> 00:28:54,791
[Dad] Yeah…
408
00:28:56,208 --> 00:28:58,375
At least you had a good night's sleep.
409
00:29:03,333 --> 00:29:06,000
Bleeding birds have got the cream again.
410
00:29:55,916 --> 00:29:58,750
-Anything in the paper?
-No, nothing.
411
00:29:58,833 --> 00:30:01,500
-There must be something.
-Oh, Gawd!
412
00:30:02,458 --> 00:30:04,458
Edward Heath marries Ella Fitzgerald.
413
00:30:04,541 --> 00:30:05,583
Liar!
414
00:30:05,666 --> 00:30:07,791
Enoch Powell best man!
415
00:30:07,875 --> 00:30:09,458
Liar! Show me.
416
00:30:09,541 --> 00:30:12,541
At a ceremony performed
by the Archbishop of Canterbury,
417
00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:16,166
the Rt Hon Edward Heath married
American jazz singer Ella Fitzgerald.
418
00:30:16,250 --> 00:30:17,208
Where?
419
00:30:17,291 --> 00:30:20,166
The matching couple
wore diamanté trouser suits…
420
00:30:22,708 --> 00:30:25,500
-That got you going, didn't it?
-Haha!
421
00:30:25,583 --> 00:30:29,916
[hums cheerfully]
422
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,875
You're in a good mood this morning.
423
00:30:32,583 --> 00:30:34,500
Making little jokes.
424
00:30:35,416 --> 00:30:36,833
Singing!
425
00:30:37,500 --> 00:30:40,833
I must say
I am reasonably content with the world.
426
00:30:40,916 --> 00:30:42,000
[Dad] Yeah…
427
00:30:43,125 --> 00:30:44,833
[Harold] It's good to be alive.
428
00:30:44,916 --> 00:30:48,833
Dad! Oh, what a bird, Dad.
429
00:30:48,916 --> 00:30:51,666
Yeah, I must admit she wasn't bad-looking.
430
00:30:51,750 --> 00:30:54,458
Better than the usual scrubbers
you get landed with.
431
00:30:55,125 --> 00:30:58,208
I didn't know you had it in you,
pulling a bird like that.
432
00:30:58,291 --> 00:31:01,250
It was a fatal attraction
on both our parts, Dad.
433
00:31:01,333 --> 00:31:04,083
There was nothing
she could do about it, nor could I.
434
00:31:04,750 --> 00:31:07,791
It was chemistry, Dad.
Our chemicals mixed.
435
00:31:08,291 --> 00:31:11,541
I wonder who she'll be
mixing her chemicals with tonight?
436
00:31:11,625 --> 00:31:15,666
That's where you're wrong, 'cause I'll be
in the driving seat again tonight.
437
00:31:15,750 --> 00:31:17,708
I'm picking her up at eleven o'clock.
438
00:31:17,791 --> 00:31:18,791
No!
439
00:31:18,875 --> 00:31:22,750
She's in love with me, Dad. She thinks
the sun shines out of my earholes.
440
00:31:23,916 --> 00:31:26,208
I'm very pleased for you, son.
441
00:31:26,291 --> 00:31:29,666
It'll do you good.
Keep it going as long as you can.
442
00:31:31,166 --> 00:31:33,791
I intend to. We're engaged.
443
00:31:33,875 --> 00:31:34,958
Eh?
444
00:31:35,666 --> 00:31:38,000
We're engaged. To be married.
445
00:31:39,500 --> 00:31:41,500
You bloody fool.
446
00:31:43,791 --> 00:31:46,375
What's wrong with getting married?
447
00:31:46,458 --> 00:31:49,000
Nothing, to a decent girl,
but not one like her.
448
00:31:49,083 --> 00:31:50,708
-She's a stripper!
-So what?
449
00:31:50,791 --> 00:31:53,333
They're not for marrying,
they're for looking at.
450
00:31:53,416 --> 00:31:57,166
Come on, you said yourself,
"Keep it going as long as you can."
451
00:31:57,250 --> 00:32:00,416
I didn't mean marry her,
I meant give her one now and again.
452
00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:03,250
Have a bit on the side. I don't mind that.
453
00:32:03,333 --> 00:32:05,958
I don't want her as a bit on the side.
454
00:32:06,041 --> 00:32:09,458
I'm going to marry her.
In church. Properly.
455
00:32:09,541 --> 00:32:12,250
-Over my dead body.
-If necessary.
456
00:32:13,041 --> 00:32:16,000
The vicar will be a bit confused,
but that's up to him.
457
00:32:16,083 --> 00:32:17,083
I love her, Dad!
458
00:32:17,166 --> 00:32:19,833
For Gawd's sake! Grow up.
459
00:32:19,916 --> 00:32:21,916
You shouldn't be allowed out.
460
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:24,625
You meet a bird, she undoes her bra,
461
00:32:24,708 --> 00:32:27,833
waggles her bristols at you
and you're in love.
462
00:32:28,416 --> 00:32:30,000
Yes, in love!
463
00:32:30,083 --> 00:32:32,333
So you can get stuffed, for a start.
464
00:32:36,583 --> 00:32:37,583
Harold!
465
00:32:38,291 --> 00:32:40,125
[Dad] Harold, son…
466
00:32:43,541 --> 00:32:45,125
Be sensible.
467
00:32:45,208 --> 00:32:47,416
I know you've always wanted
to get married,
468
00:32:47,500 --> 00:32:49,083
but you mustn't rush into it.
469
00:32:49,166 --> 00:32:51,458
[Harold] Rush into it? I'm 39!
470
00:32:52,625 --> 00:32:55,916
Exactly. The dangerous age.
471
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,583
Lonely. Vulnerable.
472
00:32:58,666 --> 00:33:01,833
Ready to fall
for the first old slag that fancies you.
473
00:33:01,916 --> 00:33:06,500
[toilet flushes]
474
00:33:06,583 --> 00:33:13,166
Father, I would prefer it if you would not
refer to my fiancée as an old slag.
475
00:33:13,250 --> 00:33:14,833
She's a very lovely girl.
476
00:33:14,916 --> 00:33:16,125
But you don't know her.
477
00:33:16,208 --> 00:33:18,541
How can you be sure
you're in love with her,
478
00:33:18,625 --> 00:33:20,416
when you only met her last night?
479
00:33:20,500 --> 00:33:23,958
Was it only last night?
It seems like a lifetime.
480
00:33:24,041 --> 00:33:25,375
Oh, my God.
481
00:33:25,958 --> 00:33:27,750
How long did Romeo know Juliet?
482
00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:32,125
I don't care about other people.
I only care about you.
483
00:33:33,791 --> 00:33:35,000
Harold!
484
00:33:36,291 --> 00:33:38,125
Harold, you were flattered.
485
00:33:38,208 --> 00:33:41,083
Young bird like her, old bloke like you.
Over the hump.
486
00:33:41,166 --> 00:33:42,583
Thank you very much.
487
00:33:42,666 --> 00:33:44,791
I've seen it all before.
488
00:33:46,166 --> 00:33:48,916
Dad, it was real.
489
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:51,875
We talked, right until the morning,
490
00:33:51,958 --> 00:33:55,875
and we realized
that we were both lonely people
491
00:33:55,958 --> 00:34:00,916
and until we met,
our lives were completely empty.
492
00:34:01,583 --> 00:34:03,333
Harold, I'm only thinking of you.
493
00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:05,500
What's gonna happen to me?
494
00:34:06,416 --> 00:34:10,166
You didn't think about me for long.
It's all you're worried about, innit?
495
00:34:11,500 --> 00:34:13,875
I'm not going
into an old people's home.
496
00:34:13,958 --> 00:34:15,333
I'll kill myself first.
497
00:34:16,250 --> 00:34:19,958
Don't worry. No one's going
to make you go into a home.
498
00:34:20,708 --> 00:34:22,333
You can stay here with us.
499
00:34:22,416 --> 00:34:24,958
Here? You're not bringing her round here.
500
00:34:25,041 --> 00:34:26,083
I'm not having that.
501
00:34:26,833 --> 00:34:28,208
You got three choices.
502
00:34:28,291 --> 00:34:30,541
You can stay with us,
503
00:34:30,625 --> 00:34:32,958
go into a home or kill yourself.
504
00:34:33,041 --> 00:34:35,875
You callous little bleeder!
505
00:34:35,958 --> 00:34:39,583
Well, you make me sick!
506
00:34:39,666 --> 00:34:42,916
You ought to be grateful
she's prepared to take you on.
507
00:34:43,708 --> 00:34:46,041
So you discussed it, then.
508
00:34:46,125 --> 00:34:49,416
Of course.
It's the first thing I told her.
509
00:34:51,583 --> 00:34:53,791
We come as a pair, like bookends.
510
00:34:57,083 --> 00:34:58,541
Dante and Isolda.
511
00:34:59,541 --> 00:35:00,916
Morecambe and…
512
00:35:01,708 --> 00:35:04,166
Love me, love my dad.
513
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:07,541
How it's always been, innit?
514
00:35:07,625 --> 00:35:08,958
Well…
515
00:35:09,875 --> 00:35:13,791
She don't seem the sort of bird
that'll be happy looking after me.
516
00:35:13,875 --> 00:35:17,666
Only a bleedin' nun would be happy
doing that, and they don't get married.
517
00:35:18,916 --> 00:35:21,500
[wedding bells chime]
518
00:35:21,583 --> 00:35:24,000
[Dad] Bleeding limousine.
519
00:35:24,083 --> 00:35:26,541
Why do you want to be in a limousine for?
520
00:35:31,541 --> 00:35:32,625
Dad! Dad!
521
00:35:34,083 --> 00:35:35,625
Hurry up, the car's here!
522
00:35:35,708 --> 00:35:37,000
Tell it to wait.
523
00:35:37,083 --> 00:35:39,291
You're doing this
deliberately, aren't you?
524
00:35:39,375 --> 00:35:41,041
I can't do up my collar stud.
525
00:35:42,583 --> 00:35:45,750
Ow! You're hurting me!
526
00:35:45,833 --> 00:35:48,458
Three hours you have taken to get ready.
527
00:35:48,541 --> 00:35:51,375
You're deliberately trying
to make me late, aren't you?
528
00:35:51,458 --> 00:35:54,708
You might thank me one day. Oww!
529
00:35:54,791 --> 00:35:57,791
If you're not ready in two minutes,
we'll go without you.
530
00:35:59,375 --> 00:36:01,250
[phone rings]
531
00:36:04,666 --> 00:36:06,250
Your phone's ringing.
532
00:36:07,125 --> 00:36:09,000
-Hello?
-[woman] Harold, is that you?
533
00:36:09,083 --> 00:36:11,125
-Hello, Mother.
-Don't you "mother" me.
534
00:36:11,208 --> 00:36:12,416
Mrs. Smith, then.
535
00:36:12,500 --> 00:36:14,791
What do you think we're doing
in the church…
536
00:36:14,875 --> 00:36:17,250
-Yes, we're just leaving.
-…hours and hours…
537
00:36:17,333 --> 00:36:19,083
-We're on our way!
-You're late.
538
00:36:19,166 --> 00:36:22,666
-Yes, I know I'm late, but…
-I don't know what to say to you…
539
00:36:22,750 --> 00:36:23,958
Really, come on…
540
00:36:24,041 --> 00:36:27,125
The quicker I get off the phone,
the quicker I'll get there!
541
00:36:27,208 --> 00:36:30,750
-Don't you be so rude to me…
-I'm sorry. Didn't mean to sound rude.
542
00:36:30,833 --> 00:36:34,000
-Your father called me a silly bitch!
-He called you a what?
543
00:36:34,083 --> 00:36:36,916
-A silly bitch!
-Oh, please…
544
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:40,541
I'm terribly sorry,
but you mustn't take any notice of him.
545
00:36:40,625 --> 00:36:43,958
-He's just a little bit senile.
-Senile? What do you mean?
546
00:36:44,041 --> 00:36:46,958
-We're just leaving.
-You mean my daughter is marrying…
547
00:36:47,041 --> 00:36:49,750
-See you in church.
-…into a family that's senile?
548
00:36:49,833 --> 00:36:53,083
-Give my love to Zita.
-[sobbing] Give your love to Zita?
549
00:36:53,166 --> 00:36:56,583
-Mrs. Smith, please don't cry.
-My daughter's marrying…
550
00:36:56,666 --> 00:37:00,541
-Look-- Shh. Just--
-[weeping trails off]
551
00:37:03,541 --> 00:37:05,333
My mother in law.
552
00:37:05,416 --> 00:37:07,625
I've got another wedding
at half past two.
553
00:37:07,708 --> 00:37:09,916
You wouldn't rather go there,
would you?
554
00:37:10,500 --> 00:37:11,583
Look, you!
555
00:37:11,666 --> 00:37:14,666
Just go and get the motor running.
I'll go and get my dad.
556
00:37:23,625 --> 00:37:26,541
That was Mrs. Smith on the phone.
Would you get out!
557
00:37:26,625 --> 00:37:29,958
I'm sorry, Harold.
You'll have to go without me.
558
00:37:30,458 --> 00:37:32,875
-What is it now?
-I can't do up me cuff links.
559
00:37:32,958 --> 00:37:34,708
Put 'em on in the car!
560
00:37:39,208 --> 00:37:40,541
Have you got the ring?
561
00:37:40,625 --> 00:37:44,666
Have you washed your neck?
You haven't shaved! It's too late now.
562
00:37:44,750 --> 00:37:47,875
-I told you to put in a clean hanky.
-Yeah…
563
00:37:49,458 --> 00:37:50,750
-What was that?
-What?
564
00:37:50,833 --> 00:37:51,958
-Just then?
-When?
565
00:37:52,041 --> 00:37:54,375
I took your handkerchief
out of your pocket
566
00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:56,625
and something flew out the window.
567
00:37:56,708 --> 00:37:58,583
[dramatic music plays]
568
00:37:58,666 --> 00:38:01,166
-Oh, dear.
-What?
569
00:38:02,500 --> 00:38:04,416
It must have been the ring.
570
00:38:09,791 --> 00:38:13,375
[church bells ring]
571
00:38:18,916 --> 00:38:22,041
[bell ringing intensifies]
572
00:38:44,625 --> 00:38:46,208
Where are you?
573
00:38:48,333 --> 00:38:51,916
-I'll kill you. I hope you realize that.
-Your phone's ringing.
574
00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:54,000
Let the bleeding thing ring!
575
00:38:55,333 --> 00:38:57,666
Hang on, I think I've found it.
576
00:38:57,750 --> 00:38:59,000
Where? Where?
577
00:38:59,916 --> 00:39:01,791
Here, here it is.
578
00:39:05,708 --> 00:39:09,416
Does that look the sort of thing
I would put upon my wife's finger?
579
00:39:09,500 --> 00:39:11,958
-That's a brass tap washer.
-It'll do.
580
00:39:12,458 --> 00:39:16,250
She wouldn't have noticed the difference.
It's dark in them churches.
581
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:21,541
Hang on. When the ring landed,
did you hear a noise?
582
00:39:22,416 --> 00:39:24,625
Come to think of it… no, I didn't.
583
00:39:25,125 --> 00:39:27,541
It must have fallen in something soft.
584
00:39:29,125 --> 00:39:31,208
All right. There's the window.
585
00:39:31,291 --> 00:39:34,375
Now, follow the trajectory through.
What is soft?
586
00:39:41,583 --> 00:39:44,458
[man and woman arguing]
587
00:39:44,541 --> 00:39:46,333
-Go on.
-Go on.
588
00:39:46,416 --> 00:39:47,541
[man] Again.
589
00:39:58,500 --> 00:40:00,500
Just like gold mining, isn't it?
590
00:40:01,791 --> 00:40:06,250
Yes! Yes! Hang on! Hang on!
I've found it! I've found it!
591
00:40:10,291 --> 00:40:11,958
Go on! Go on!
592
00:40:13,291 --> 00:40:15,208
Don't stop for nothing!
593
00:40:20,750 --> 00:40:22,583
[tires screech]
594
00:40:25,041 --> 00:40:27,416
Hurry! Hurry! Faster! Faster!
595
00:40:30,916 --> 00:40:33,291
[tires screech]
596
00:40:48,916 --> 00:40:51,458
-Hey, mind the door!
-Hi, Mrs. Smith!
597
00:40:51,541 --> 00:40:54,666
[wedding march plays]
598
00:41:00,833 --> 00:41:02,541
[church organ plays]
599
00:41:20,458 --> 00:41:21,916
Phwoar!
600
00:41:22,000 --> 00:41:24,625
Now I know what they mean by high church.
601
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:55,125
-I give it six months.
-Shut your face.
602
00:42:00,083 --> 00:42:03,000
I see we're having hymn number 389,
603
00:42:03,625 --> 00:42:06,791
"Fight the Good Fight." Very apt.
604
00:42:06,875 --> 00:42:10,541
One more word and the first thing
we'll have here is extreme unction.
605
00:42:10,625 --> 00:42:13,750
Oh, well, I'm finished.
I've done all I can.
606
00:42:13,833 --> 00:42:17,208
It's up to you now. I'll say no more.
607
00:42:17,291 --> 00:42:18,666
Thank you, God.
608
00:42:19,250 --> 00:42:20,916
She's not here yet, is she?
609
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:22,333
She's changed her mind.
610
00:42:22,416 --> 00:42:24,875
-She's blown you out!
-Shh!
611
00:42:38,125 --> 00:42:40,833
Mr. Steptoe, the bride has just arrived.
612
00:42:40,916 --> 00:42:43,916
Perhaps you and your best man
would take your positions
613
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:45,125
over here, please.
614
00:42:46,666 --> 00:42:50,750
-Here we go, into the valley of death.
-This is God's house.
615
00:42:50,833 --> 00:42:53,541
Aren't you frightened
of being struck by lightning?
616
00:43:00,333 --> 00:43:05,625
[organ plays "Here Comes the Bride"]
617
00:43:06,958 --> 00:43:09,541
It's a wonder
she's not taking her clothes off.
618
00:43:34,125 --> 00:43:35,083
Dearly beloved,
619
00:43:35,166 --> 00:43:37,708
we are gathered here
together in the sight of God
620
00:43:37,791 --> 00:43:39,708
and in the face of this congregation
621
00:43:39,791 --> 00:43:42,958
to join together this man
and this woman in holy matrimony,
622
00:43:43,041 --> 00:43:47,000
into which holy estate these
two persons now come to be joined.
623
00:43:54,291 --> 00:43:58,291
[flamenco music playing]
624
00:44:08,000 --> 00:44:11,125
[man shouting in Spanish]
625
00:44:13,583 --> 00:44:17,208
[man] Champagne! Champagne!
626
00:44:17,291 --> 00:44:21,541
Champagne with the compliments
of the hotel. Welcome!
627
00:44:21,625 --> 00:44:23,541
Welcome to my hotel!
628
00:44:23,625 --> 00:44:26,083
-Ladies and gentlemen.
-Olé!
629
00:44:26,166 --> 00:44:30,375
On behalf of Packwell Honeymoon Tours,
welcome to the Miramar Hotel,
630
00:44:30,458 --> 00:44:34,458
which, as you can see, is nearly finished,
in the Costa Brava, Spain.
631
00:44:34,541 --> 00:44:36,833
In case some of you
don't know where you are.
632
00:44:36,916 --> 00:44:38,791
If you drink your champagne quickly,
633
00:44:38,875 --> 00:44:41,291
hand in your passports,
you can sign in later,
634
00:44:41,375 --> 00:44:43,541
pick up your keys, identify your baggage,
635
00:44:43,625 --> 00:44:45,833
you can all go up
to your rooms and change.
636
00:44:45,916 --> 00:44:47,208
Clothes, not partners.
637
00:44:47,291 --> 00:44:50,583
Last but not least, I hope
you all have a wonderful honeymoon.
638
00:44:50,666 --> 00:44:52,708
Welcome to the Hotel Miramar.
639
00:44:53,250 --> 00:44:55,208
Are those your bags over there?
640
00:44:55,958 --> 00:44:58,083
Oh, yes.
641
00:44:59,333 --> 00:45:00,916
Come on, hurry up.
642
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:03,875
Leave off.
It was your fault we missed the bus.
643
00:45:03,958 --> 00:45:07,333
We wouldn't have, if you hadn't shouted
"Gibraltar is British!",
644
00:45:07,416 --> 00:45:09,041
as we got off at the airport.
645
00:45:09,125 --> 00:45:13,666
Half an hour in customs trying to explain
in Spanish that you wasloco. Molto loco.
646
00:45:13,750 --> 00:45:16,791
We should have gone to Bognor,
they speak English there.
647
00:45:16,875 --> 00:45:18,541
Never satisfied, are you?
648
00:45:18,625 --> 00:45:21,416
You haven't stopped moaning
since we left the airport.
649
00:45:21,500 --> 00:45:24,958
-Nobody else brought their father.
-I knew I wouldn't like it here.
650
00:45:25,041 --> 00:45:28,083
-It's too hot!
-Take your overcoat off, then!
651
00:45:28,166 --> 00:45:29,666
And that silly hat!
652
00:45:30,750 --> 00:45:31,791
Zita?
653
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:35,666
-Hello, Terry.
-Hello, Zita. What brought you here?
654
00:45:35,750 --> 00:45:38,375
-I have.
-This is my husband, Harold.
655
00:45:38,458 --> 00:45:40,625
-How do you do.
-You're a very lucky man.
656
00:45:40,708 --> 00:45:42,791
I never thought anybody
would trap Zita.
657
00:45:42,875 --> 00:45:45,125
He must have something we haven't got.
658
00:45:45,208 --> 00:45:47,208
Sir, what party are you with?
659
00:45:47,291 --> 00:45:48,875
-I'm with him.
-He's my father.
660
00:45:48,958 --> 00:45:52,166
On your honeymoon? Do forgive me, sir.
661
00:45:52,250 --> 00:45:53,583
Welcome to Spain.
662
00:45:53,666 --> 00:45:57,291
If you're feeling lonely,
there are lots of things for you to do.
663
00:45:57,375 --> 00:45:59,708
while the happy couple are on their own.
664
00:46:00,666 --> 00:46:03,041
If you'll forgive me, I'll see you later.
665
00:46:06,916 --> 00:46:09,625
-Who is that?
-Just a fellow I used to know.
666
00:46:09,708 --> 00:46:12,708
-I could see that.
-I used to work with him, he's a comic.
667
00:46:12,791 --> 00:46:14,166
He didn't make me laugh.
668
00:46:14,250 --> 00:46:16,708
He must have turned it in
and taken up this job.
669
00:46:16,791 --> 00:46:18,375
Good-looking boy, isn't he?
670
00:46:18,458 --> 00:46:20,875
He's all right,
if you like that sort of thing.
671
00:46:20,958 --> 00:46:23,000
Let's sign in, I must have a wash.
672
00:46:23,583 --> 00:46:25,750
You wanna watch him, mate.
673
00:46:25,833 --> 00:46:29,750
You turn your back and he'll be in there,
like a ferret down a rabbit hole.
674
00:46:29,833 --> 00:46:31,333
Don't be disgusting.
675
00:46:34,208 --> 00:46:35,916
Please, sir. This way.
676
00:46:41,458 --> 00:46:43,083
Señora, señor.
677
00:46:53,750 --> 00:46:55,458
And you are this way, please.
678
00:46:58,083 --> 00:46:59,791
We should have gone to Bognor.
679
00:46:59,875 --> 00:47:02,125
Bleeding waste of money
coming all this way.
680
00:47:02,208 --> 00:47:03,708
I'm not going to like it.
681
00:47:03,791 --> 00:47:06,875
It's too hot. I'm sweating already.
682
00:47:07,708 --> 00:47:09,083
-Señor?
-Oh.
683
00:47:09,916 --> 00:47:10,875
Gracias.
684
00:47:17,083 --> 00:47:19,500
-Señor?
-Oh, the…
685
00:47:19,583 --> 00:47:21,583
-Sí, señor.
-Door-o.
686
00:47:24,375 --> 00:47:25,458
Señor?
687
00:47:27,083 --> 00:47:28,291
Gracias, señor.
688
00:47:29,625 --> 00:47:31,458
Señor, the door?
689
00:47:36,500 --> 00:47:38,291
Gracias. Gracias.
690
00:47:45,666 --> 00:47:47,916
Here, this is handy, isn't it?
691
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,125
Come on, hurry up. I'm hungry.
692
00:47:51,291 --> 00:47:53,000
-Come in.
-Come in.
693
00:48:07,833 --> 00:48:10,958
[flamenco music plays]
694
00:48:20,250 --> 00:48:21,875
[flamenco music stops]
695
00:48:27,291 --> 00:48:30,000
[cockney accent]
Sod this for a lark. Come on, Fido.
696
00:48:30,083 --> 00:48:31,083
Yeah.
697
00:48:46,083 --> 00:48:48,375
Goodness me, I'm tired.
698
00:48:48,458 --> 00:48:49,958
I think I'll turn in.
699
00:48:50,916 --> 00:48:52,666
You can't get any more out of it.
700
00:48:53,208 --> 00:48:55,166
There's more meat in the claws.
701
00:48:55,250 --> 00:48:58,125
"There's more meat in the claws.
702
00:48:58,208 --> 00:49:00,625
Mustn't waste it." Come on.
703
00:49:01,333 --> 00:49:03,500
All the others went up hours ago.
704
00:49:03,583 --> 00:49:05,500
Half of them never come down.
705
00:49:06,500 --> 00:49:07,750
I'm going.
706
00:49:07,833 --> 00:49:10,708
No! You can't leave me here with this lot.
707
00:49:10,791 --> 00:49:12,666
I can't even speak the lingo.
708
00:49:12,750 --> 00:49:15,833
-Hurry up, then!
-I haven't had me pudding yet.
709
00:49:15,916 --> 00:49:18,083
Neither have I, mate.
710
00:49:19,458 --> 00:49:22,208
-Sorry, dear. You go on up.
-All right.
711
00:49:22,291 --> 00:49:24,666
-Don't be long.
-I won't.
712
00:49:28,000 --> 00:49:29,250
Goodnight, Father.
713
00:49:31,166 --> 00:49:32,750
Sleep well.
714
00:49:35,625 --> 00:49:37,291
Ew.
715
00:49:44,875 --> 00:49:46,583
Very nice.
716
00:49:46,666 --> 00:49:48,875
Very good four quid's worth, that was.
717
00:49:48,958 --> 00:49:52,250
I haven't had lobster
since the Fourteen-Eighteen War.
718
00:49:52,333 --> 00:49:54,208
You could have had steak and chips.
719
00:49:54,291 --> 00:49:55,875
No, I'm on holiday.
720
00:49:55,958 --> 00:49:57,833
You can get steak and chips at home.
721
00:49:57,916 --> 00:50:01,333
Finished now, have you?
Good. Come on, we'll go up.
722
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,166
You fancy a walk round the town?
723
00:50:07,458 --> 00:50:09,375
No, I don't.
724
00:50:09,458 --> 00:50:11,250
Bit early to go to bed, ain't it?
725
00:50:11,333 --> 00:50:13,166
Not for me!
726
00:50:13,791 --> 00:50:15,166
All right.
727
00:50:15,250 --> 00:50:18,208
I suppose I can just have a bit of a read.
728
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,833
Thank Gawd for that. Come on.
729
00:50:21,916 --> 00:50:24,791
-[Harold] Muchas gracias.
-Buenas noches, señor.
730
00:50:24,875 --> 00:50:27,041
-[Dad] I can't see.
-[Harold] Then feel!
731
00:50:27,125 --> 00:50:28,583
[Dad] I am feeling.
732
00:50:28,666 --> 00:50:30,083
-[clanging]
-[Dad shouting]
733
00:50:30,166 --> 00:50:32,875
-[Harold] What was that?
-[Dad] I dunno, I can't see.
734
00:50:32,958 --> 00:50:35,208
-[clanging]
-[Dad] Oh, God!
735
00:50:45,750 --> 00:50:47,458
Goodnight, Dad.
736
00:50:51,208 --> 00:50:53,750
-[shower running]
-[Dad whistles]
737
00:50:55,375 --> 00:50:57,583
-[mouthing silently]
-[door locks shut]
738
00:50:59,583 --> 00:51:00,791
Look, son.
739
00:51:01,416 --> 00:51:03,875
I know I should have told you this before,
740
00:51:04,500 --> 00:51:06,708
I know I've left it a bit late.
741
00:51:06,791 --> 00:51:09,833
About 25 years, to be precise. Goodnight.
742
00:51:10,666 --> 00:51:12,500
Have you got everything?
743
00:51:12,583 --> 00:51:14,875
Everything I need. Thank you.
744
00:51:14,958 --> 00:51:18,041
Well, good luck, son.
745
00:51:18,125 --> 00:51:19,500
Thank you.
746
00:51:38,291 --> 00:51:39,416
Aah!
747
00:51:40,291 --> 00:51:41,875
I'm blinded! Oh!
748
00:51:42,583 --> 00:51:44,000
I'm blinded! Oh!
749
00:52:01,208 --> 00:52:02,916
-[burping]
-Oh!
750
00:52:05,666 --> 00:52:09,958
[romantic guitar music plays]
751
00:52:38,333 --> 00:52:40,916
-Hi.
-Hello.
752
00:52:42,875 --> 00:52:46,583
Do you realize this is the first time
we've been alone since we married?
753
00:52:46,666 --> 00:52:49,333
Yes, I know. I'm sorry.
754
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:50,958
It's not your fault.
755
00:52:51,583 --> 00:52:55,875
It puts me off knowing there's only
three inches of wall between him and us.
756
00:52:55,958 --> 00:52:57,333
I'll make it up to you.
757
00:53:07,333 --> 00:53:08,333
Come on, then.
758
00:53:13,583 --> 00:53:17,083
[Dad moaning]
759
00:53:20,166 --> 00:53:23,375
[Dad crying out]
760
00:53:24,291 --> 00:53:26,250
Oh, God! what's happened?
761
00:53:26,333 --> 00:53:29,458
-Perhaps he's killed himself.
-I could never be that lucky.
762
00:53:33,250 --> 00:53:35,750
[Dad] Harold!
763
00:53:36,500 --> 00:53:39,000
Excuse me,
I'd better go and see what's wrong.
764
00:53:39,083 --> 00:53:40,083
Oh!
765
00:53:41,958 --> 00:53:44,208
Dad? Dad, are you all right?
766
00:53:48,250 --> 00:53:52,458
[Dad] Help me! Oh!
767
00:53:54,291 --> 00:53:55,875
[Dad] I'm dying!
768
00:53:55,958 --> 00:53:57,666
Dad, what is it? What's wrong?
769
00:53:57,750 --> 00:54:00,750
Harold, help.
770
00:54:00,833 --> 00:54:04,916
Fetch a doctor. Fetch a doctor. I'm ill.
771
00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:07,541
I'm in agony. I'm dying.
772
00:54:07,625 --> 00:54:10,708
-Where does it hurt.
-The guts. They're on fire.
773
00:54:10,791 --> 00:54:13,541
Hang on, Dad.
Try not to move. I'll get help.
774
00:54:14,166 --> 00:54:15,583
What's wrong with him now?
775
00:54:15,666 --> 00:54:17,083
-He's sick.
-So am I.
776
00:54:17,166 --> 00:54:20,708
Seriously. He's not kidding.
He's ill. Look, he's gone green.
777
00:54:20,791 --> 00:54:22,958
Oh!
778
00:54:24,166 --> 00:54:25,416
[Dad] Help me!
779
00:54:28,166 --> 00:54:29,666
He's got a fever.
780
00:54:30,375 --> 00:54:33,333
I'm dying. Help me.
781
00:54:33,416 --> 00:54:35,125
-Harold, ring a doctor.
-Right.
782
00:54:35,916 --> 00:54:38,250
Hello? Hello!
783
00:54:38,333 --> 00:54:40,333
Hello? Habla inglés?
784
00:54:42,166 --> 00:54:46,041
Médico, yeah. Not Mexico!
785
00:54:46,125 --> 00:54:48,041
Medic. Oh, thank God.
786
00:54:48,125 --> 00:54:51,166
A doctor. Yeah, Room 57, quickly.
787
00:54:55,083 --> 00:54:57,791
So help me, if you're having me on,
788
00:54:57,875 --> 00:55:01,375
tomorrow there will be
a corner of a foreign field
789
00:55:01,458 --> 00:55:03,666
that is forever England.
790
00:55:04,500 --> 00:55:07,375
Don't worry, love. He'll be all right.
791
00:55:07,958 --> 00:55:09,000
Yeah, but--
792
00:55:11,958 --> 00:55:13,333
-Doctor?
-Yes?
793
00:55:13,416 --> 00:55:15,875
-How is he?
-Resting. I gave him an injection.
794
00:55:15,958 --> 00:55:18,250
-What's wrong with him?
-Food poisoning.
795
00:55:19,291 --> 00:55:20,666
[Harold] Food poisoning?
796
00:55:21,333 --> 00:55:22,833
Food poisoning.
797
00:55:32,416 --> 00:55:33,416
Harold?
798
00:55:33,958 --> 00:55:35,041
I'm here, Dad.
799
00:55:36,041 --> 00:55:37,708
You're going to be all right.
800
00:55:38,541 --> 00:55:40,166
I want to go home.
801
00:55:40,250 --> 00:55:43,125
We've only just got here, Dad.
802
00:55:43,958 --> 00:55:45,416
I want to go home.
803
00:55:46,833 --> 00:55:48,708
I don't want to die over here.
804
00:55:49,333 --> 00:55:51,125
You're not going to die, Dad.
805
00:55:52,458 --> 00:55:54,916
Please, Harold. Take me home.
806
00:55:56,791 --> 00:55:59,083
I'm on my honeymoon, Dad.
807
00:56:00,416 --> 00:56:03,000
You're going to be all right
in a couple of days.
808
00:56:03,083 --> 00:56:04,416
The doctor says so.
809
00:56:05,500 --> 00:56:07,833
Don't trust them wog doctors.
810
00:56:07,916 --> 00:56:11,041
Don't know what they're doing, wogs.
811
00:56:11,625 --> 00:56:13,458
I want to see me own doctor.
812
00:56:14,041 --> 00:56:16,041
But your doctor's a Pakistani.
813
00:56:16,125 --> 00:56:18,041
Well, he counts as British.
814
00:56:18,791 --> 00:56:21,625
Look, Dad, they've done all they can.
815
00:56:22,208 --> 00:56:24,416
Got needles like telegraph poles.
816
00:56:25,458 --> 00:56:26,916
I want to go home.
817
00:56:28,166 --> 00:56:30,291
Dad, it's the height of the season.
818
00:56:30,375 --> 00:56:32,750
You can't just get tickets like that.
819
00:56:32,833 --> 00:56:34,375
I don't like it here.
820
00:56:35,208 --> 00:56:37,125
I want to go home.
821
00:56:37,208 --> 00:56:39,833
I'm frightened!
822
00:56:39,916 --> 00:56:43,583
I want to go home, Harold. Now. Tonight!
823
00:56:43,666 --> 00:56:46,166
All right. Calm down.
824
00:56:46,250 --> 00:56:48,000
Don't get excited.
825
00:56:48,583 --> 00:56:50,250
I'll see what I can do.
826
00:56:51,125 --> 00:56:53,541
-Promise?
-I promise.
827
00:56:53,625 --> 00:56:54,958
Come on.
828
00:56:55,666 --> 00:56:57,166
Try and get some rest.
829
00:57:09,750 --> 00:57:13,916
It wasn't easy, but I managed it.
Two seats on the next plane to London.
830
00:57:14,500 --> 00:57:16,625
That is good of you. Two?
831
00:57:16,708 --> 00:57:19,708
-It's all we've got, we're full up.
-There's three of us.
832
00:57:19,791 --> 00:57:23,416
Sorry, it's the best I can do.
Two blokes were killed in a car crash.
833
00:57:25,291 --> 00:57:27,458
Look, couldn't you
squeeze another one in?
834
00:57:27,541 --> 00:57:28,916
Sorry, sir.
835
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:32,583
-He's little, can't he sit on my lap?
-Don't be silly, sir.
836
00:57:32,666 --> 00:57:36,666
Can't you put him in the lavatory?
He'll spend the flight in there anyway.
837
00:57:36,750 --> 00:57:40,500
-I'd like to help, but it's impossible.
-When will there be a seat?
838
00:57:40,583 --> 00:57:43,375
I don't know.
Maybe tomorrow or the end of the week.
839
00:57:43,458 --> 00:57:45,833
We'll put you
on the first available flight.
840
00:57:46,541 --> 00:57:48,208
I'll get you cleared through.
841
00:57:49,416 --> 00:57:52,750
Dad, couldn't you wait
until we can all go back together?
842
00:57:52,833 --> 00:57:54,625
Ehh…
843
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,291
Come on, make up your mind.
What are we doing, going or staying?
844
00:58:01,375 --> 00:58:04,750
Aah…
845
00:58:04,833 --> 00:58:07,833
Look, he said
there might be a seat tomorrow.
846
00:58:07,916 --> 00:58:09,291
That's not too bad, is it?
847
00:58:09,375 --> 00:58:11,250
It's a nice hotel. You've got money.
848
00:58:11,333 --> 00:58:13,750
You won't be stuck here forever.
849
00:58:13,833 --> 00:58:15,666
Right. That's all I wanted to know.
850
00:58:17,041 --> 00:58:18,583
What else can I do?
851
00:58:18,666 --> 00:58:21,541
-You'll be all right, won't you?
-Don't worry about me.
852
00:58:23,708 --> 00:58:26,708
Come along, sir.
You don't want to miss it, do you?
853
00:58:26,791 --> 00:58:30,666
[woman on PA system] This is
the final call for passengers on flight…
854
00:58:30,750 --> 00:58:33,458
I love you.
855
00:58:34,125 --> 00:58:37,250
-I'll see you when I see you.
-Right…
856
00:58:37,333 --> 00:58:39,916
-Go on!
-[attendant] Come on, sir. If you please.
857
00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:42,625
[Dad groaning]
858
00:58:48,458 --> 00:58:50,958
[woman on PA system in Spanish]
859
00:58:51,041 --> 00:58:54,708
Ow! You bloody great pillock!
860
00:58:54,791 --> 00:58:55,916
Have a good trip!
861
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,083
And don't worry, squire.
862
00:58:58,166 --> 00:58:59,666
I'll look after her.
863
00:59:03,875 --> 00:59:06,166
Oww!
864
00:59:06,250 --> 00:59:09,750
What do you think you're doing? Harold…
865
00:59:09,833 --> 00:59:12,583
Harold! Help me, I'm going to be sick.
866
00:59:12,666 --> 00:59:15,625
[Dad] Oh, get me out of here!
867
00:59:16,375 --> 00:59:19,625
Get me to bed! Oh, God!
868
00:59:40,958 --> 00:59:43,083
Afternoon post's late, innit?
869
00:59:43,583 --> 00:59:44,666
Eh?
870
00:59:44,750 --> 00:59:47,750
I said, "The afternoon post
is late, isn't it?"
871
00:59:47,833 --> 00:59:50,375
You're not expecting
to hear anything, are you?
872
00:59:50,458 --> 00:59:51,666
Of course I am.
873
00:59:51,750 --> 00:59:52,916
Ehh…
874
00:59:53,458 --> 00:59:57,958
One postcard you've had from her
in ten days, and that was over a week ago.
875
00:59:58,041 --> 01:00:01,375
She's blown you out, mate.
She's not coming back.
876
01:00:01,458 --> 01:00:05,125
Of course she's coming back.
She's just having trouble getting a plane.
877
01:00:05,208 --> 01:00:07,333
She could have walked home by now.
878
01:00:07,416 --> 01:00:10,375
It's very difficult to get flights
this time of the year!
879
01:00:10,458 --> 01:00:11,416
The man said so.
880
01:00:11,500 --> 01:00:13,875
He didn't have any trouble getting us out.
881
01:00:13,958 --> 01:00:15,791
You won't see her again.
882
01:00:16,375 --> 01:00:19,000
She's on the nest with old oily.
883
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,666
Hasn't taken you long
to get better, has it?
884
01:00:23,750 --> 01:00:24,708
Nah.
885
01:00:26,458 --> 01:00:30,458
-Post? It's the post!
-Hey!
886
01:00:30,541 --> 01:00:32,875
-[Harold laughing hysterically]
-Nah!
887
01:00:38,375 --> 01:00:41,375
Three postcards and a letter! Ha!
888
01:00:43,708 --> 01:00:45,833
They must have been held up.
889
01:00:46,791 --> 01:00:48,625
Get them in order.
890
01:00:48,708 --> 01:00:53,791
The fourth, the sixth and the eighth.
891
01:00:56,625 --> 01:00:58,291
"My dearest Harold.
892
01:01:00,791 --> 01:01:01,833
How are you?
893
01:01:02,958 --> 01:01:05,750
I'm very well but missing you terribly."
894
01:01:05,833 --> 01:01:06,916
Yeah…
895
01:01:07,625 --> 01:01:10,791
"The weather's marvelous.
Still no sign of a plane,
896
01:01:10,875 --> 01:01:13,458
but everybody's been
very kind and helpful.
897
01:01:14,125 --> 01:01:16,708
Terry took me to Barcelona yesterday."
898
01:01:16,791 --> 01:01:18,000
Hello!
899
01:01:19,916 --> 01:01:22,833
"And the manager
also has been very sweet.
900
01:01:23,500 --> 01:01:25,791
He sent his regards to your father.
901
01:01:26,958 --> 01:01:28,250
How is he, by the way?
902
01:01:28,333 --> 01:01:30,750
I can't wait to see you again, my darling.
903
01:01:30,833 --> 01:01:32,791
Your ever-loving Zita."
904
01:01:32,875 --> 01:01:36,083
Satisfied?
That's one up the Khyber for you.
905
01:01:36,166 --> 01:01:39,916
Yeah. "My dearest Harold,
still no sign of a plane.
906
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:43,083
Thank you for your 12-page letter
I received yesterday.
907
01:01:43,166 --> 01:01:44,958
Will write soon. Must fly.
908
01:01:45,041 --> 01:01:48,666
I'm going on a day trip
to Madrid with Terry and a few others.
909
01:01:48,750 --> 01:01:50,000
Love, Zita."
910
01:01:50,583 --> 01:01:54,000
-"Dear Harold."
-What happened to "dearest Harold"?
911
01:01:54,083 --> 01:01:56,333
You can't be lovey-dovey all the time.
912
01:01:56,416 --> 01:01:57,500
No, I suppose not.
913
01:01:57,583 --> 01:02:00,208
Not when you've been married
as long as you have.
914
01:02:00,291 --> 01:02:02,208
You vicious little sod.
915
01:02:02,291 --> 01:02:05,666
It wasn't the lobster that poisoned you,
it was your own venom.
916
01:02:05,750 --> 01:02:08,333
Get on with it. "Dear Harold."
917
01:02:08,416 --> 01:02:11,833
"Dear Harold, I received
another long letter from you yesterday.
918
01:02:11,916 --> 01:02:14,333
Terry sends his regards.
Writing to you, Zita."
919
01:02:14,416 --> 01:02:16,500
They're getting shorter, aren't they?
920
01:02:17,166 --> 01:02:20,333
Well… she's saving it all up
for the letter.
921
01:02:21,250 --> 01:02:22,875
It's all in here, mate.
922
01:02:28,708 --> 01:02:33,541
"Dear Harold, I don't know
how to begin writing this letter to you."
923
01:02:36,958 --> 01:02:40,416
[sad music plays]
924
01:02:59,916 --> 01:03:04,208
[sad music stops]
925
01:03:04,791 --> 01:03:08,458
No, son. Don't do that.
That don't do no good.
926
01:03:10,541 --> 01:03:12,666
Don't you start feeling sorry now.
927
01:03:13,458 --> 01:03:15,791
It's what you've always worked for, innit?
928
01:03:15,875 --> 01:03:17,375
What you've always wanted.
929
01:03:18,291 --> 01:03:19,875
I didn't do anything.
930
01:03:20,416 --> 01:03:23,375
You didn't have to. You were there.
931
01:03:25,083 --> 01:03:27,541
You're always there.
932
01:03:28,708 --> 01:03:30,666
We'd have been all right on our own.
933
01:03:30,750 --> 01:03:33,375
I wasn't there
when she ran off with some bloke.
934
01:03:34,375 --> 01:03:36,000
Neither was I, was I?
935
01:03:36,958 --> 01:03:39,541
I was sitting at home, nursing you.
936
01:03:41,750 --> 01:03:43,750
What a laugh.
937
01:03:44,583 --> 01:03:48,375
To be cuckolded at my own expense.
938
01:03:48,458 --> 01:03:50,541
What are you going to do about it?
939
01:03:50,625 --> 01:03:54,125
-What can I do about it?
-Go out there and thump her one.
940
01:03:54,208 --> 01:03:58,583
Yes, I can afford to go flying
around Europe on my income, can't I?
941
01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:03,000
Take my advice, son. Forget all about her.
942
01:04:03,083 --> 01:04:06,625
We don't need anybody else here.
We can manage on our own.
943
01:04:08,125 --> 01:04:10,041
You take my advice.
944
01:04:10,625 --> 01:04:12,875
-Go up to your room.
-Yeah?
945
01:04:12,958 --> 01:04:17,583
Lock the door and keep out of my way
for the next five years.
946
01:04:18,708 --> 01:04:19,833
That's it.
947
01:04:20,541 --> 01:04:23,291
All right. Go on.
948
01:04:25,208 --> 01:04:26,625
Go on.
949
01:04:28,625 --> 01:04:29,958
Go on!
950
01:04:39,166 --> 01:04:43,083
Why? Why did you have to do it to me?
951
01:04:47,291 --> 01:04:49,708
I'll smash her bleeding face in
when I see her.
952
01:05:38,083 --> 01:05:39,416
Good afternoon, I--
953
01:06:03,625 --> 01:06:04,583
Yes?
954
01:06:04,666 --> 01:06:07,833
Good afternoon. I bunged my card
through your box yesterday.
955
01:06:07,916 --> 01:06:10,916
Did you? A bit cheeky of you, wasn't it?
956
01:06:11,000 --> 01:06:15,458
Steptoe and Son, scrap metal merchants,
rag-and-bone antiques, objets d'art,
957
01:06:15,541 --> 01:06:18,958
furniture, anything, best prices given.
We're very competitive.
958
01:06:19,041 --> 01:06:22,125
Darling, the only rags I've got
are the ones I'm wearing.
959
01:06:22,208 --> 01:06:24,916
I see. Sorry I bothered you.
960
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:29,250
Don't go. Why don't you come in?
I might find something for you.
961
01:06:29,333 --> 01:06:31,208
I won't bother, thanks.
962
01:06:32,375 --> 01:06:36,000
Wait a minute.
Aren't you the bloke that married Zita?
963
01:06:36,083 --> 01:06:39,625
-How did you know?
-I was there, wasn't I?
964
01:06:39,708 --> 01:06:43,000
-[Arthur] On the night.
-I remember you now. The drag act.
965
01:06:43,583 --> 01:06:46,166
Female impersonator, dear,
if you don't mind.
966
01:06:46,250 --> 01:06:48,208
But I'm sorry about you two.
967
01:06:48,291 --> 01:06:50,000
Didn't last long, did it?
968
01:06:50,083 --> 01:06:52,416
Mind you, I know just how you feel.
969
01:06:52,916 --> 01:06:56,666
Mine's broken up as well.
Rotten swine, she was.
970
01:06:56,750 --> 01:07:01,291
Do you know, took my record player,
the bed linen, my Butch Cassidy poster--
971
01:07:01,375 --> 01:07:03,041
How do you know we'd broken up?
972
01:07:03,125 --> 01:07:04,666
She told me, didn't she?
973
01:07:04,750 --> 01:07:06,166
She told you? When?
974
01:07:06,250 --> 01:07:08,166
I see her every week, don't I?
975
01:07:08,250 --> 01:07:10,250
Took all my Green Shield stamps.
976
01:07:30,750 --> 01:07:33,416
Charge!
977
01:07:33,500 --> 01:07:38,291
[Harold continues shouting]
978
01:07:43,250 --> 01:07:45,416
Right! Where is he?
979
01:07:45,500 --> 01:07:46,541
Where's who?
980
01:07:46,625 --> 01:07:50,333
What do you mean? Him.
That flash bastard you ran off with.
981
01:07:50,416 --> 01:07:52,875
Oh, him. I dunno. I haven't seen him.
982
01:07:52,958 --> 01:07:56,583
You're lying! You're up the duff.
983
01:07:56,666 --> 01:07:58,666
I haven't been eating new bread.
984
01:07:58,750 --> 01:08:00,333
Do you want a cup of tea?
985
01:08:00,416 --> 01:08:02,125
Yeah. Thank you.
986
01:08:12,916 --> 01:08:15,750
-I didn't know.
-No reason why you should.
987
01:08:17,583 --> 01:08:20,333
-How d'you find me?
-It was Arthur.
988
01:08:20,416 --> 01:08:22,458
The drag act. I met him.
989
01:08:25,000 --> 01:08:26,875
-I'm sorry, Harold.
-Yeah?
990
01:08:27,875 --> 01:08:29,333
I didn't want it to happen.
991
01:08:29,416 --> 01:08:30,666
No.
992
01:08:31,208 --> 01:08:34,083
I didn't jump into bed
as soon as your plane took off.
993
01:08:34,166 --> 01:08:36,750
-Of course not.
-I held out for three days.
994
01:08:36,833 --> 01:08:38,500
Oh, good. I am flattered.
995
01:08:38,583 --> 01:08:40,916
It wouldn't have happened,
if you were there.
996
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:43,833
-Nor if you'd have come home.
-I couldn't get a plane.
997
01:08:43,916 --> 01:08:46,250
I'm sure your fellow tried very hard.
998
01:08:46,333 --> 01:08:49,458
Look, you left me
on my honeymoon for your father.
999
01:08:49,541 --> 01:08:51,833
-He was very ill.
-He would have…
1000
01:08:53,458 --> 01:08:57,125
Oh, God… let's not go over all that again.
1001
01:09:04,333 --> 01:09:05,375
How many sugars?
1002
01:09:06,625 --> 01:09:07,916
Two, please.
1003
01:09:08,583 --> 01:09:09,625
Cigarette?
1004
01:09:10,250 --> 01:09:12,333
I shouldn't, really. Bad for the baby.
1005
01:09:14,416 --> 01:09:15,916
I'm dying for one, actually.
1006
01:09:16,000 --> 01:09:18,916
Have one, for God's sake. One won't hurt.
1007
01:09:26,916 --> 01:09:27,875
You on your own?
1008
01:09:30,083 --> 01:09:33,916
-How long has he been gone?
-Since he found out about this.
1009
01:09:35,125 --> 01:09:36,541
That's typical, innit?
1010
01:09:36,625 --> 01:09:39,666
Take a bloke's wife,
put her in the club and away he goes.
1011
01:09:40,583 --> 01:09:43,625
-I knew he was a shit the moment--
-It isn't his.
1012
01:09:43,708 --> 01:09:44,958
Then who the…
1013
01:09:45,666 --> 01:09:47,375
Whose is it?
1014
01:09:51,625 --> 01:09:53,791
No, it's not mine.
1015
01:09:56,708 --> 01:09:58,333
Can't be.
1016
01:10:03,000 --> 01:10:04,291
Is it?
1017
01:10:14,875 --> 01:10:17,958
-Why didn't you tell me?
-I didn't think you'd want to know.
1018
01:10:18,041 --> 01:10:20,166
-After what happened.
-I'm not like him.
1019
01:10:22,458 --> 01:10:24,125
It's mine.
1020
01:10:24,208 --> 01:10:25,666
I had a right to know.
1021
01:10:25,750 --> 01:10:28,458
You should have told me.
You shouldn't be smoking.
1022
01:10:34,666 --> 01:10:37,666
-When's it due?
-Five weeks.
1023
01:10:40,666 --> 01:10:42,458
Last February.
1024
01:10:44,916 --> 01:10:46,583
That's right.
1025
01:10:48,375 --> 01:10:50,166
I'm going to be a father.
1026
01:10:55,791 --> 01:10:58,625
Zita, let's make a fresh start.
1027
01:10:58,708 --> 01:11:00,291
Let's give it another try.
1028
01:11:00,375 --> 01:11:03,791
It wouldn't work, Harold.
You'd chuck it in my face.
1029
01:11:03,875 --> 01:11:06,208
No, I promise. I still love you.
1030
01:11:06,291 --> 01:11:08,708
What's gone is gone.
I can't live in the past.
1031
01:11:08,791 --> 01:11:10,583
It's the future that's important.
1032
01:11:11,333 --> 01:11:13,750
I'm not a man for bearing grudges.
1033
01:11:13,833 --> 01:11:18,750
What you did was diabolical,
but it's forgotten now.
1034
01:11:18,833 --> 01:11:20,583
Sounds like it.
1035
01:11:21,166 --> 01:11:24,500
Let's start again
as though nothing's happened.
1036
01:11:25,208 --> 01:11:28,458
Come home with me, Zita.
For the kid's sake.
1037
01:11:28,541 --> 01:11:30,375
I want the kid.
1038
01:11:31,250 --> 01:11:34,583
I've never had one before. And I want you.
1039
01:11:36,375 --> 01:11:37,541
Are you sure?
1040
01:11:37,625 --> 01:11:39,791
I'm sure.
1041
01:11:43,416 --> 01:11:46,416
All right, then. We'll give it a try.
1042
01:12:06,833 --> 01:12:08,166
Whoa!
1043
01:12:22,375 --> 01:12:23,916
Careful, there.
1044
01:12:24,416 --> 01:12:26,666
Let me take your weight.
1045
01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:27,916
Is that all right?
1046
01:12:28,708 --> 01:12:32,166
-He's not going to like this.
-It's got nothing to do with him.
1047
01:12:32,250 --> 01:12:35,708
You're my wife. If he doesn't like it,
he can ponce off out of it.
1048
01:12:35,791 --> 01:12:37,041
We'll see.
1049
01:12:37,125 --> 01:12:40,708
You talk as if
I'm frightened of him or something.
1050
01:12:47,458 --> 01:12:48,958
Home.
1051
01:12:52,833 --> 01:12:54,791
You'd better wait here.
1052
01:12:56,083 --> 01:12:58,750
It's a surprise, that's all.
1053
01:13:00,791 --> 01:13:02,041
Dad?
1054
01:13:13,250 --> 01:13:14,791
Hello, little Dad.
1055
01:13:15,916 --> 01:13:17,500
You're late.
1056
01:13:17,583 --> 01:13:19,708
Guess who's coming to stay with us?
1057
01:13:19,791 --> 01:13:21,000
Nobody.
1058
01:13:21,083 --> 01:13:23,791
You won't say that
when you find out who it is.
1059
01:13:24,375 --> 01:13:25,833
Close your eyes.
1060
01:13:25,916 --> 01:13:28,291
Oh, my God.
1061
01:13:48,625 --> 01:13:50,208
You can open them now.
1062
01:13:50,916 --> 01:13:52,833
Hello, Mr. Steptoe.
1063
01:13:52,916 --> 01:13:55,291
Well, well, well. Look who's here.
1064
01:13:55,375 --> 01:13:57,166
See? I knew he'd be pleased.
1065
01:13:59,083 --> 01:14:01,500
-Get her out of here!
-But I--
1066
01:14:01,583 --> 01:14:03,791
I will not have that woman in my house.
1067
01:14:03,875 --> 01:14:06,041
-Goodbye, Harold.
-Stay where you are!
1068
01:14:06,125 --> 01:14:10,250
Ain't you got no charity? Can't you see?
She's having a baby.
1069
01:14:10,333 --> 01:14:12,166
I bet it's got a mustache.
1070
01:14:12,250 --> 01:14:14,583
Shut your filthy mouth!
1071
01:14:14,666 --> 01:14:16,250
It's mine.
1072
01:14:16,333 --> 01:14:17,791
My baby.
1073
01:14:17,875 --> 01:14:19,375
Oh, my God.
1074
01:14:19,458 --> 01:14:23,583
You are, without doubt, the softest
touch walking on the face of God's earth.
1075
01:14:23,666 --> 01:14:27,458
And you needn't think you'll get
any money out of him while I'm alive.
1076
01:14:27,541 --> 01:14:30,416
Listen, old man.
I don't need any favors from you.
1077
01:14:30,500 --> 01:14:31,875
-You tell him!
-Or you.
1078
01:14:31,958 --> 01:14:35,083
I can look after myself.
I don't need a man to look after me.
1079
01:14:35,166 --> 01:14:39,125
I didn't come back for my benefit.
I came back because I was asked.
1080
01:14:39,208 --> 01:14:41,125
Haven't you hurt him enough?
1081
01:14:41,208 --> 01:14:43,916
Yes, I've hurt him,
but I only hurt him once.
1082
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:46,416
You've hurt him all his life. Look at him.
1083
01:14:46,500 --> 01:14:49,375
He's pathetic.
He can't even pee without asking you.
1084
01:14:49,458 --> 01:14:51,583
That's a bit… I can.
1085
01:14:51,666 --> 01:14:54,083
I can. I can do exactly as I like.
1086
01:14:54,166 --> 01:14:57,541
All right then, prove it. Leave him.
Walk out with me now.
1087
01:15:00,791 --> 01:15:04,625
There's no need to. We can all live here
as one big happy family.
1088
01:15:04,708 --> 01:15:05,958
You see? You can't.
1089
01:15:06,041 --> 01:15:07,500
-I can.
-You're a prisoner!
1090
01:15:07,583 --> 01:15:09,458
-I'm no prisoner!
-Don't shout!
1091
01:15:09,541 --> 01:15:10,791
I will!
1092
01:15:11,916 --> 01:15:15,125
We do seem to have got off
on the wrong foot.
1093
01:15:15,208 --> 01:15:16,333
Let's all sit down.
1094
01:15:16,416 --> 01:15:19,125
I'm not stopping.
I can do without all this.
1095
01:15:19,208 --> 01:15:21,291
You can't go! Think of the baby.
1096
01:15:21,375 --> 01:15:24,708
-I am thinking about it.
-But you can't bring it up on your own.
1097
01:15:24,791 --> 01:15:28,333
That kid needs a father.
All kids need a father's influence.
1098
01:15:28,416 --> 01:15:30,083
Do they?
1099
01:15:33,291 --> 01:15:36,708
-Right, I'm coming with you.
-No, I don't want you to.
1100
01:15:36,791 --> 01:15:39,583
It's over, love.
It was a mistake coming back.
1101
01:15:39,666 --> 01:15:41,833
You're a nice man, it's not your fault.
1102
01:15:41,916 --> 01:15:45,875
-But it won't work.
-It'll work. I love you.
1103
01:15:46,458 --> 01:15:47,541
Oh!
1104
01:15:47,625 --> 01:15:51,000
Harold, she's right.
Missus, I'll tell you what I'll do.
1105
01:15:51,083 --> 01:15:54,291
Go home, have the sprog,
we'll take a blood test
1106
01:15:54,375 --> 01:15:57,541
and if it is, we bung you
30 bob a week and that's that.
1107
01:15:57,625 --> 01:15:59,291
Can't be fairer than that.
1108
01:15:59,375 --> 01:16:01,333
Thank you very much.
1109
01:16:01,416 --> 01:16:04,125
Hang on.
He'll apologize for that before we leave.
1110
01:16:04,208 --> 01:16:06,583
Do me a favor. Get stuffed!
1111
01:16:07,458 --> 01:16:09,541
-Zita!
-Let her go.
1112
01:16:09,625 --> 01:16:12,750
-We don't need her.
-Will you get out of the way?
1113
01:16:12,833 --> 01:16:15,208
-Get out of the way!
-No!
1114
01:16:15,291 --> 01:16:18,291
Harold!
1115
01:16:18,375 --> 01:16:20,541
Zita!
1116
01:16:20,625 --> 01:16:22,833
-Let her go, Harold!
-Zita!
1117
01:16:22,916 --> 01:16:25,125
Get your hands off me!
1118
01:16:46,000 --> 01:16:48,791
[train barrels past]
1119
01:16:56,666 --> 01:16:58,541
I was only cleaning them for you.
1120
01:17:01,291 --> 01:17:03,458
Gonna be a nice morning, isn't it?
1121
01:17:03,541 --> 01:17:06,041
Be nice on the round today.
1122
01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:12,750
Harold, how much longer
is this going on for?
1123
01:17:12,833 --> 01:17:16,208
You haven't spoken to me for six months.
It's getting on me wick.
1124
01:17:16,291 --> 01:17:18,666
I don't think
I can stand much more of this.
1125
01:17:18,750 --> 01:17:20,166
I thought I'd made it clear
1126
01:17:20,250 --> 01:17:23,333
that any future conversation
should be strictly utilitarian.
1127
01:17:23,416 --> 01:17:27,291
"Where's dinner?", "Unload the cart",
and "How much do you want for it?"
1128
01:17:27,375 --> 01:17:28,958
Other phrases of that ilk.
1129
01:17:29,041 --> 01:17:32,000
I've no desire for any social intercourse.
1130
01:17:32,916 --> 01:17:35,791
Excuse me, I've got work to do.
1131
01:17:40,125 --> 01:17:43,666
Work?
Can I give you a hand with something?
1132
01:17:43,750 --> 01:17:45,458
[shrieking]
1133
01:17:45,958 --> 01:17:49,250
-Shh. Rats.
-Rats don't sound like that.
1134
01:17:52,833 --> 01:17:54,666
Here. Look out!
1135
01:17:54,750 --> 01:17:57,875
[both shouting]
1136
01:17:57,958 --> 01:17:58,958
[mewling]
1137
01:17:59,833 --> 01:18:02,458
-It's a baby.
-You amaze me.
1138
01:18:02,541 --> 01:18:04,958
-How did it get in here?
-I don't know.
1139
01:18:05,541 --> 01:18:07,458
Perhaps it ran away from home.
1140
01:18:08,000 --> 01:18:10,166
That baby's been left here, mate.
1141
01:18:10,250 --> 01:18:12,458
Somebody's had a baby and left it in here.
1142
01:18:13,500 --> 01:18:14,458
[mewling]
1143
01:18:14,541 --> 01:18:18,416
Poor little thing.
What sort of place is this for a baby?
1144
01:18:18,500 --> 01:18:20,000
A stable.
1145
01:18:20,083 --> 01:18:22,833
-[male choir chanting]
-Excuse me, young man.
1146
01:18:23,750 --> 01:18:25,875
We brought these for you.
1147
01:18:41,708 --> 01:18:46,583
You silly old maggot. That is
the six-fifty Trident to Stuttgart.
1148
01:18:48,416 --> 01:18:52,041
Twelve-and-a-half pounds
of assorted clean rags.
1149
01:18:55,666 --> 01:18:56,958
Thank you, sir.
1150
01:18:57,041 --> 01:18:58,458
Yes. Bye, sir.
1151
01:19:02,750 --> 01:19:04,916
-[crying]
-Oh, Gawd!
1152
01:19:07,791 --> 01:19:09,041
Here.
1153
01:19:12,833 --> 01:19:14,875
[baby] Goo-goo!
1154
01:19:16,416 --> 01:19:18,458
[Harold] She left him! She left him!
1155
01:19:18,541 --> 01:19:19,750
It's mine! It's mine!
1156
01:19:21,375 --> 01:19:23,291
[baby crying]
1157
01:19:34,666 --> 01:19:36,791
Go on, get down. Oh!
1158
01:19:50,041 --> 01:19:51,541
Don't touch him!
1159
01:19:51,625 --> 01:19:53,291
He's not been inoculated yet.
1160
01:19:56,000 --> 01:19:59,125
I'm making a lovely bed. Lovely bed.
1161
01:19:59,208 --> 01:20:01,791
Come on, up. Oh, Gawd!
1162
01:20:03,416 --> 01:20:05,416
Here we go.
1163
01:20:06,500 --> 01:20:09,875
[Harold] All right. He's lovely, isn't he?
1164
01:20:12,750 --> 01:20:14,458
Eh? My little boy.
1165
01:20:14,541 --> 01:20:17,125
-How do you know?
-'Cause I looked.
1166
01:20:17,208 --> 01:20:19,250
How do you know he's your son?
1167
01:20:19,333 --> 01:20:21,916
Of course he's mine. It stands to reason.
1168
01:20:22,000 --> 01:20:24,666
She's just had one, same age as him.
1169
01:20:24,750 --> 01:20:27,166
[baby crying]
1170
01:20:28,291 --> 01:20:30,125
See? Of course he's mine.
1171
01:20:30,208 --> 01:20:32,750
Who else would leave a baby
in a place like this?
1172
01:20:32,833 --> 01:20:35,416
I don't think even she
would do a thing like that.
1173
01:20:35,500 --> 01:20:39,041
-Abandoning him.
-I did. That's why I warned you off her.
1174
01:20:39,958 --> 01:20:41,916
Looks like me, don't he?
1175
01:20:42,833 --> 01:20:44,833
At least, he ain't got a mustache.
1176
01:20:45,583 --> 01:20:47,208
Of course he's mine.
1177
01:20:50,208 --> 01:20:54,125
[baby crying]
1178
01:20:54,208 --> 01:20:56,458
Now, stop crying.
1179
01:20:56,541 --> 01:20:58,875
Tell you what I'll do.
1180
01:20:58,958 --> 01:21:02,750
I'll put you down in your nice little cot.
1181
01:21:02,833 --> 01:21:05,083
Oh, deary me.
1182
01:21:05,166 --> 01:21:06,958
I'll cover you with them blankets.
1183
01:21:07,041 --> 01:21:09,291
That's it. And I'll sing.
1184
01:21:09,375 --> 01:21:11,833
♪ Rock-a-bye baby… ♪
1185
01:21:11,916 --> 01:21:13,583
[baby crying intensifies]
1186
01:21:13,666 --> 01:21:15,833
Cobblers to you, then. Cry!
1187
01:21:15,916 --> 01:21:19,250
[crying continues]
1188
01:21:21,291 --> 01:21:23,375
[Harold] He's ill! He's ill! He's ill!
1189
01:21:23,458 --> 01:21:27,083
-I'll get a doctor for him.
-He's not ill, he's just hungry.
1190
01:21:27,833 --> 01:21:30,458
Tell you what,
I got steak and kidney pudding.
1191
01:21:30,541 --> 01:21:34,000
Steak and kidney--
He can't eat steak and kidney pudding!
1192
01:21:34,083 --> 01:21:36,000
-Why?
-Not one of yours, anyway.
1193
01:21:36,083 --> 01:21:38,500
It takes me all my time
to chew through them.
1194
01:21:38,583 --> 01:21:41,000
He can have the gravy.
I know what I'm doing.
1195
01:21:41,083 --> 01:21:45,750
Don't you touch him. I don't want
your dirty little germs all over him.
1196
01:21:45,833 --> 01:21:48,500
-I'll do it.
-Not like that.
1197
01:21:48,583 --> 01:21:52,416
Put your hand under his bum, give him
a bit of support, for Gawd's sake.
1198
01:21:53,375 --> 01:21:55,666
Here, I got his milk ready.
1199
01:21:58,166 --> 01:21:59,166
What's that?
1200
01:21:59,250 --> 01:22:00,666
His bottle.
1201
01:22:00,750 --> 01:22:02,375
That's a Guiness bottle.
1202
01:22:02,458 --> 01:22:04,083
I rinsed it out.
1203
01:22:04,166 --> 01:22:07,291
-What's that then?
-His tit.
1204
01:22:08,291 --> 01:22:10,916
-Teat, Father.
-I know.
1205
01:22:11,000 --> 01:22:15,375
I made it out of the little finger of your
rubber glove, with a hole in the middle.
1206
01:22:17,666 --> 01:22:20,041
-Just right.
-That's a good idea.
1207
01:22:20,583 --> 01:22:24,541
Of course it is. You don't have to tell me
anything about bringing up babies.
1208
01:22:24,625 --> 01:22:26,583
I've done it all before.
1209
01:22:27,541 --> 01:22:29,375
I'll do it.
1210
01:22:29,458 --> 01:22:31,333
Yes, it's coming.
1211
01:22:33,375 --> 01:22:35,833
It's coming. Look at that.
1212
01:22:35,916 --> 01:22:39,041
[easy listening music plays]
1213
01:22:51,583 --> 01:22:53,708
He's put on 13 oz.
1214
01:22:55,166 --> 01:22:56,916
Not bad, is it?
1215
01:22:57,583 --> 01:22:59,291
He's a big boy.
1216
01:23:00,208 --> 01:23:01,708
Bigger than you were.
1217
01:23:01,791 --> 01:23:03,166
Not as big as I was.
1218
01:23:03,250 --> 01:23:05,333
Nobody was ever as big as you were.
1219
01:23:05,416 --> 01:23:07,333
I was 11 lb when I was born.
1220
01:23:07,416 --> 01:23:09,416
He ain't grown much, has he?
1221
01:23:17,500 --> 01:23:20,625
-[baby cries]
-[alarm clock rings]
1222
01:23:23,166 --> 01:23:25,041
Okay, all right.
1223
01:23:30,750 --> 01:23:33,250
Here, hang on. Hang on.
1224
01:23:33,333 --> 01:23:34,875
Hang on a tick. Oh.
1225
01:23:44,666 --> 01:23:46,500
Come on.
1226
01:23:46,583 --> 01:23:48,166
Come here a minute.
1227
01:23:48,250 --> 01:23:50,541
You've been waiting, waiting.
1228
01:23:50,625 --> 01:23:52,666
Been waiting, have you?
1229
01:23:52,750 --> 01:23:54,375
Good boy. Ohh!
1230
01:23:54,458 --> 01:23:55,875
Watch it, mate.
1231
01:23:55,958 --> 01:23:57,916
Ain't nothing down there for you.
1232
01:23:59,166 --> 01:24:03,291
-Oh, dear, oh, dear. Here I go…
-[baby cries]
1233
01:24:06,208 --> 01:24:08,208
-Right?
-Right.
1234
01:24:09,208 --> 01:24:11,250
Come on. Come on, then.
1235
01:24:11,333 --> 01:24:13,833
Up, up, whoops-a-daisy.
1236
01:24:14,583 --> 01:24:16,625
No, not that way.
1237
01:24:16,708 --> 01:24:18,375
You have to wash his head first.
1238
01:24:18,458 --> 01:24:19,833
Turn him on his back.
1239
01:24:19,916 --> 01:24:23,500
Hold his head over the water,
so soap won't get in his eyes.
1240
01:24:23,583 --> 01:24:26,625
-I got it.
-That's right.
1241
01:24:26,708 --> 01:24:30,000
[both make cooing noises]
1242
01:24:30,083 --> 01:24:33,666
-That's enough.
-It's gone in the water!
1243
01:24:35,166 --> 01:24:38,041
[Harold] In you go, that's it.
1244
01:24:38,125 --> 01:24:40,625
[Dad] Look, he's rinsing.
1245
01:24:40,708 --> 01:24:45,333
[both make cooing noises]
1246
01:24:46,750 --> 01:24:51,083
-[Harold] How about Bartholomew?
-[Dad] What sort of a name's that?
1247
01:24:51,166 --> 01:24:54,416
-You can't call a baby Bartholomew.
-It's got a bit of class.
1248
01:24:54,500 --> 01:24:58,208
-Bartholomew Steptoe.
-Yeah… It's too poofy.
1249
01:24:58,291 --> 01:25:01,375
I dunno what your problem is.
Albert Winston.
1250
01:25:01,458 --> 01:25:04,708
-That's the one.
-I'm not calling him Albert. Forget it.
1251
01:25:05,791 --> 01:25:08,375
Here's a good one. Gervaise.
1252
01:25:09,166 --> 01:25:11,250
Ew. Sounds like a lump of French cheese.
1253
01:25:11,333 --> 01:25:14,000
Pater, Gervaise
is a very old English name.
1254
01:25:14,083 --> 01:25:15,541
So is Albert.
1255
01:25:15,625 --> 01:25:19,541
I am not calling him Albert.
It is far too common.
1256
01:25:19,625 --> 01:25:22,500
He's my son! I'll call him what I like.
1257
01:25:22,583 --> 01:25:26,000
Here, some of them film stars
have nice names.
1258
01:25:26,083 --> 01:25:28,583
Dirk Steptoe.
1259
01:25:28,666 --> 01:25:29,833
Kirk Steptoe.
1260
01:25:29,916 --> 01:25:33,208
When the kids round here
find out, Berk Steptoe.
1261
01:25:33,291 --> 01:25:35,250
He's got to have a name.
1262
01:25:35,875 --> 01:25:37,583
Arbuthnot!
1263
01:25:40,875 --> 01:25:43,333
It's all right, I was only joking.
1264
01:25:44,291 --> 01:25:47,458
Come on, hurry up.
We've got to call him something.
1265
01:25:48,125 --> 01:25:50,416
How about Peregrine?
1266
01:25:50,500 --> 01:25:52,875
No! Albert.
1267
01:25:52,958 --> 01:25:57,000
I'm not calling him Albert.
Never! Never! Never!
1268
01:26:01,500 --> 01:26:03,333
What's his name?
1269
01:26:03,416 --> 01:26:06,375
We haven't got one yet.
Could we call him after you?
1270
01:26:07,250 --> 01:26:09,333
All right? What's your name?
1271
01:26:09,416 --> 01:26:11,041
Albert.
1272
01:26:19,541 --> 01:26:24,166
Father, I think the time has come
to discuss Jeremy's future.
1273
01:26:24,250 --> 01:26:26,041
Albert's future!
1274
01:26:26,125 --> 01:26:30,583
Albert Jeremy,
and when you've gone, Jeremy Albert.
1275
01:26:31,958 --> 01:26:33,833
If he's going to Eaton,
1276
01:26:33,916 --> 01:26:35,833
we ought to get his name down now.
1277
01:26:35,916 --> 01:26:36,875
Eaton?
1278
01:26:36,958 --> 01:26:41,666
Yes, I think so. I don't like
them straw hats they wear at Harrow.
1279
01:26:41,750 --> 01:26:46,291
What? They wouldn't have
a rag-and-bone man's son at Eaton.
1280
01:26:46,375 --> 01:26:50,125
I don't see why not. You can go
anywhere if you've got the money.
1281
01:26:50,208 --> 01:26:53,000
Yeah, but you ain't got no money.
1282
01:26:53,083 --> 01:26:56,291
-But you have.
-You're not having my money.
1283
01:26:56,375 --> 01:27:00,291
-It's for your grandson's education.
-I don't care. It's mine.
1284
01:27:00,375 --> 01:27:04,166
He won't want it until he's 13.
Gordon Bennet, you'll be 83 by then--
1285
01:27:04,750 --> 01:27:08,708
If you made out a deed of covenant,
you'd avoid all the death duties.
1286
01:27:08,791 --> 01:27:12,333
I intend to, mate. As long as I can.
1287
01:27:13,375 --> 01:27:16,375
You can't live forever.
Even you've got to die sometime.
1288
01:27:16,458 --> 01:27:18,750
Don't keep on about me dying.
1289
01:27:18,833 --> 01:27:20,958
You know it upsets me.
1290
01:27:22,541 --> 01:27:24,583
I ain't going to die.
1291
01:27:24,666 --> 01:27:26,666
I've got years to go.
1292
01:27:26,750 --> 01:27:27,958
I'm as fit as a fiddle.
1293
01:27:28,041 --> 01:27:31,875
-Yes, I know, but…
-I am not going to die.
1294
01:27:31,958 --> 01:27:33,500
-[loud bang]
-[Albert moans]
1295
01:27:33,583 --> 01:27:35,958
See? You almost went then.
1296
01:27:36,875 --> 01:27:40,000
It could happen any time,
while you're sat on the loo,
1297
01:27:40,625 --> 01:27:43,208
or having a drink,
while I'm talking to you,
1298
01:27:43,291 --> 01:27:45,791
any time, you could go just like that.
1299
01:27:46,750 --> 01:27:48,791
And it would all go to the taxman.
1300
01:27:49,500 --> 01:27:52,041
And Jeremy's got
his whole future before him.
1301
01:27:52,125 --> 01:27:54,166
[military music plays]
1302
01:27:54,250 --> 01:27:55,583
Eaton.
1303
01:27:56,291 --> 01:28:00,000
A year at Gordonstoun.
A few years at Cambridge.
1304
01:28:00,916 --> 01:28:03,458
Straight to Sandhurst.
1305
01:28:03,541 --> 01:28:05,208
The Household Cavalry.
1306
01:28:06,041 --> 01:28:08,708
Lieutenant 'Jiggers' Steptoe.
1307
01:28:09,541 --> 01:28:13,250
Can't you see him, proud and erect,
1308
01:28:14,083 --> 01:28:16,291
his horse striding down The Mall…
1309
01:28:16,375 --> 01:28:18,708
Pulling his cart behind him.
1310
01:28:18,791 --> 01:28:21,458
Pulling-- No!
1311
01:28:21,541 --> 01:28:24,166
He's coming to the business
like all the Steptoes.
1312
01:28:24,250 --> 01:28:26,916
No, he won't. I won't let him.
He'll have a chance.
1313
01:28:27,000 --> 01:28:28,750
He's not going to end up like me.
1314
01:28:28,833 --> 01:28:31,041
He'll have all the things I never had.
1315
01:28:31,125 --> 01:28:32,750
Not on my money, he's not.
1316
01:28:32,833 --> 01:28:35,166
He can stand
on his own two feet like I did.
1317
01:28:35,250 --> 01:28:37,791
I don't approve of inherited wealth.
1318
01:28:37,875 --> 01:28:40,625
All right. Stuff your money!
1319
01:28:40,708 --> 01:28:43,250
We don't need it. I'll do it on my own.
1320
01:28:43,333 --> 01:28:46,166
I'll work all the hours God sends,
1321
01:28:46,250 --> 01:28:51,333
'cause that boy is going to have
the best that money can buy!
1322
01:28:53,125 --> 01:28:55,625
[children screaming]
1323
01:28:59,000 --> 01:29:00,708
-Oi! That's my bike!
-Ow!
1324
01:29:14,500 --> 01:29:15,666
Come on!
1325
01:29:15,750 --> 01:29:17,625
All out!
1326
01:29:18,333 --> 01:29:20,583
Ain't you got no homes to go to?
1327
01:29:21,458 --> 01:29:22,666
All out!
1328
01:29:22,750 --> 01:29:25,541
[campy man's voice]
Oh, you're so masterful!
1329
01:29:42,833 --> 01:29:45,083
Round the garden like a teddy-bear.
1330
01:29:45,166 --> 01:29:47,041
And tickle him under-- Oh.
1331
01:29:55,666 --> 01:29:57,916
Oh… Dad?
1332
01:30:12,541 --> 01:30:14,125
Where's my bleedin' tea?
1333
01:30:14,958 --> 01:30:17,583
Cor blimey! Is it that time already?
1334
01:30:18,500 --> 01:30:19,791
How's little Jeremy?
1335
01:30:20,958 --> 01:30:24,250
Little Albert is out in the yard,
having a bit of fresh air.
1336
01:30:26,541 --> 01:30:28,041
You what?
1337
01:30:28,125 --> 01:30:29,666
He's in his pram.
1338
01:30:35,500 --> 01:30:37,583
He's not in his pram, Dad.
1339
01:30:37,666 --> 01:30:39,916
Course he is. I put him there meself.
1340
01:30:45,208 --> 01:30:49,166
He was out here.
He was out here. I strapped him in.
1341
01:30:49,916 --> 01:30:51,500
-Somebody's taken him.
-No!
1342
01:30:52,125 --> 01:30:54,791
-You shouldn't have left him out here!
-I always do!
1343
01:30:54,875 --> 01:30:56,375
I always left you out here.
1344
01:30:56,458 --> 01:30:59,750
-Nobody ever bothered to nick you.
-I wish to Christ they had!
1345
01:30:59,833 --> 01:31:02,000
-What's that?
-Here, a note.
1346
01:31:02,083 --> 01:31:04,291
"Please forgive me, I've taken him back.
1347
01:31:04,375 --> 01:31:08,125
I can now give him a better chance in life
than he could have with you.
1348
01:31:08,208 --> 01:31:10,291
Thank you for looking after him.
1349
01:31:10,375 --> 01:31:12,333
PS: Please do not look for us."
1350
01:31:13,500 --> 01:31:15,416
-Where are you going?
-To find them.
1351
01:31:15,500 --> 01:31:16,916
She won't get away with it!
1352
01:31:17,000 --> 01:31:20,416
-But you don't know where she is.
-Don't you worry, I'll find out.
1353
01:31:21,541 --> 01:31:24,666
[striptease music plays]
1354
01:31:26,541 --> 01:31:29,666
[men shouting]
1355
01:31:33,000 --> 01:31:35,333
[men laugh and cheer]
1356
01:31:39,666 --> 01:31:42,791
[men hoot and whistle]
1357
01:32:05,583 --> 01:32:06,875
Half a bitter, please.
1358
01:32:16,166 --> 01:32:17,333
Cor, look at that!
1359
01:32:19,458 --> 01:32:21,833
[men cheer]
1360
01:32:33,416 --> 01:32:35,083
Who wants him?
1361
01:32:36,416 --> 01:32:37,333
Over here!
1362
01:32:39,833 --> 01:32:41,333
Ahh!
1363
01:32:48,916 --> 01:32:50,625
[Zita screams]
1364
01:33:00,625 --> 01:33:01,875
Bleedin' fascists!
1365
01:33:15,041 --> 01:33:17,250
You rotten Tory cancer!
1366
01:33:18,375 --> 01:33:20,000
What a rotten sport!
1367
01:33:20,833 --> 01:33:22,291
[music stops]
1368
01:33:25,791 --> 01:33:27,875
[shouting intensifies]
1369
01:33:32,416 --> 01:33:34,041
Bring him out this way!
1370
01:33:41,333 --> 01:33:43,375
You're a load of wankers!
1371
01:33:48,416 --> 01:33:51,250
Come in here.
You can get through the window.
1372
01:33:53,041 --> 01:33:54,500
You'd better split, man.
1373
01:33:58,875 --> 01:34:00,500
You all right?
1374
01:34:00,583 --> 01:34:02,250
I'm all right.
1375
01:34:07,541 --> 01:34:09,208
Why did you come here?
1376
01:34:09,291 --> 01:34:10,875
Not to see you, don't worry.
1377
01:34:12,333 --> 01:34:14,375
I came here for the baby.
1378
01:34:14,458 --> 01:34:16,125
Go home, Harold. Please.
1379
01:34:16,208 --> 01:34:18,375
I've had enough for one night.
1380
01:34:18,458 --> 01:34:21,083
Just tell me where it is
and I'll go and get it.
1381
01:34:21,708 --> 01:34:25,000
-No, Harold, you can't.
-Don't tell me I can't.
1382
01:34:25,083 --> 01:34:27,083
It's my baby. Where is it?
1383
01:34:27,708 --> 01:34:29,500
-Look, Harold…
-Is it all right?
1384
01:34:29,583 --> 01:34:31,666
He's fine, but…
1385
01:34:31,750 --> 01:34:33,416
[baby crying]
1386
01:34:33,500 --> 01:34:35,708
You haven't brought it to work with you!
1387
01:34:36,583 --> 01:34:38,000
[Zita] Don't, please!
1388
01:34:49,916 --> 01:34:51,708
Everything's okay, darling.
1389
01:34:51,791 --> 01:34:54,208
It's quiet out there now.
Are you all right?
1390
01:34:58,833 --> 01:35:01,125
[Harold] The other one wasn't mine either.
1391
01:35:01,208 --> 01:35:04,208
I must be the only bloke,
who's lost two kids in one day.
1392
01:35:04,291 --> 01:35:07,333
I never met the Black one.
I only knew the white one.
1393
01:35:07,416 --> 01:35:09,000
He'd be three years old now.
1394
01:35:09,750 --> 01:35:12,083
I wonder what Jeremy's mother
calls him now.
1395
01:35:12,875 --> 01:35:15,375
-Albert, of course.
-Don't be so daft.
1396
01:35:15,458 --> 01:35:17,208
[horn honking]
1397
01:35:18,250 --> 01:35:20,083
[honking continues]
1398
01:35:23,875 --> 01:35:27,125
["Steptoe" theme plays]