1 00:00:08,466 --> 00:00:09,466 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,643 NARRATOR: In this picture, there are 47 people. 3 00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,104 None of them can be seen. 4 00:00:22,313 --> 00:00:27,693 In this film, we hope to show you how not to be seen. 5 00:00:28,236 --> 00:00:34,867 This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, London S.E.14. 6 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:39,329 He cannot be seen. Now I'm gonna ask him to stand up. 7 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:43,959 Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please? 8 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:47,546 [GUN FIRES] 9 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:52,009 This demonstrates the value of not being seen. 10 00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:55,846 In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma 11 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,557 of 13 The Crescent, Belmont. 12 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:03,145 Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please? 13 00:01:05,190 --> 00:01:06,815 [GUN FIRES] 14 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:14,698 This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please? 15 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,873 Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: 16 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,084 Not to stand up. 17 00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:30,756 However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. 18 00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:35,594 Mr. E.W. Lambert of Homeleigh, the boroughs, Oswestry 19 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:37,721 has presented us with a poser. 20 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:44,436 We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. 21 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,069 [SCREAMS] 22 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,364 Yes, it was the middle one. 23 00:01:56,116 --> 00:02:01,203 Mr. And Mrs. Watson of Hull chose a very cunning way of not being seen. 24 00:02:01,412 --> 00:02:03,163 When we called at their house, we found 25 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,374 that they had gone away on two weeks' holiday. 26 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:10,003 However, a neighbour told us where they were. 27 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:15,509 And here is the neighbour who told us where they were. 28 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,556 And here is where he lived. 29 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:24,476 And this is where he was born. 30 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:27,437 [NARRATOR LAUGHS] 31 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:43,078 And now for something completely different. 32 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,000 [♪♪♪] 33 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,925 [COUGHS] 34 00:03:39,427 --> 00:03:40,469 Good evening. 35 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:44,181 Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise. 36 00:03:44,390 --> 00:03:48,018 The feature was not quite as long as we had anticipated. 37 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:51,855 Therefore, there will be a short interval. 38 00:03:55,693 --> 00:03:58,737 In the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you 39 00:03:58,947 --> 00:04:04,618 a short film starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose. 40 00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,705 [♪♪♪] 41 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:16,296 [♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪] 42 00:04:22,470 --> 00:04:24,221 [MUSIC STOPS] 43 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:30,310 [REWINDING NOISE] 44 00:04:37,235 --> 00:04:43,240 And now a film starring a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose. 45 00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:45,951 [♪♪♪] 46 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:54,209 [♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪] 47 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:00,215 [MUSIC STOPS] 48 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:02,551 [REWINDING NOISE] 49 00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:12,436 ANNOUNCER: And now in stereo. 50 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:21,278 [♪ "LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS ♪] 51 00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,619 [MUSIC STOPS] 52 00:05:31,956 --> 00:05:33,999 Thank you. That was the end of the interval. 53 00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:36,376 Will you kindly return to your seats? 54 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:41,006 We will now be proceeding with the program as advertised. 55 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,054 MAN 1: Darling, you were wonderful. MAN 2: Oh, really? 56 00:05:47,263 --> 00:05:48,764 [COUGHING] 57 00:05:49,640 --> 00:05:53,852 NARRATOR: In 1971, the British Empire lay in ruins. 58 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:57,647 Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. 59 00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,067 Not the streets, the foreign nationals. 60 00:06:00,276 --> 00:06:05,447 Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists to buy cigarettes. 61 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:09,034 Here, sir. Thank you. 62 00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,707 Morning, sir. 63 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:20,295 I will not buy this record. It is scratched. 64 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,214 I'm sorry? 65 00:06:22,423 --> 00:06:26,676 I will not buy this record. It is scratched. 66 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:31,598 No, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. Tobacconist's. 67 00:06:31,849 --> 00:06:33,141 Ah! 68 00:06:33,726 --> 00:06:37,020 I will not buy this tobacconist's. It is scratched. 69 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,981 No, no. Tobacco. Cigarettes. 70 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:44,236 Cigarettes? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. 71 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,740 My hovercraft is full of eels. 72 00:06:48,950 --> 00:06:53,995 What? My hovercraft is full of eels. 73 00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:58,625 Matches. Yeah. Yeah, matches. 74 00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:01,378 "Do you want...?" Do you want. 75 00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:02,838 Want. 76 00:07:03,047 --> 00:07:07,884 "Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy." 77 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:09,970 That'll be 6 shillings. 78 00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:15,183 "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" 79 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,561 "I am no longer infected." 80 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,980 May I? May I? Yeah, yeah. 81 00:07:20,189 --> 00:07:23,275 It costs 6 shillings, costs 6 shillings. 82 00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,527 Six shillings. 83 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:30,240 [SPEAKS IN HUNGARIAN] 84 00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:35,162 SHOP OWNER: Help! Help! 85 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,582 [♪♪♪] 86 00:07:44,213 --> 00:07:45,630 [BELL RINGS] 87 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:53,680 What's all this, then? "You have beautiful thighs." 88 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,265 What? He hit me. 89 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:59,019 "Drop your panties, Sir Arthur, I cannot wait till lunchtime." 90 00:07:59,228 --> 00:08:02,731 Right! Oh, my nipples explode with delight! 91 00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,233 NARRATOR: The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released 92 00:08:05,443 --> 00:08:09,279 but it was his information that lead to the arrest and trial of the real culprit. 93 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,572 MAN: I am. 94 00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,533 You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May 95 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:17,496 you did, willfully and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged 96 00:08:17,705 --> 00:08:22,584 English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. 97 00:08:22,793 --> 00:08:23,960 How do you plead? 98 00:08:25,129 --> 00:08:26,630 Not guilty. 99 00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:31,510 Mr. Yalk, on the 28th of May, you published this phrase book. 100 00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:32,761 I did. 101 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:36,223 With Your Lordship's permission, I would like to pose an example. 102 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,183 The Hungarian phrase meaning: 103 00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,102 "Can you direct me to the railway station?" 104 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:47,901 Is here translated by the English phrase, "Please fondle my buttocks." 105 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:55,200 "Please fondle my buttocks." 106 00:08:55,409 --> 00:08:59,746 Oh, yes, it's past the post office, 200 yards down, then left at the lights. 107 00:09:02,583 --> 00:09:08,505 TOURIST: Hm, left at lights. 108 00:09:11,467 --> 00:09:13,009 [♪♪♪] 109 00:09:34,782 --> 00:09:37,117 [QUACKING] 110 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:52,507 [HUMS] 111 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:16,448 NARRATOR: Not far away, Mr. And Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to enter an unfamiliar office. 112 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:18,408 Next. 113 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:45,894 Are you the marriage guidance counsellor? 114 00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:47,103 Yes. 115 00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,898 Good morning. Morning. 116 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,193 And... 117 00:10:53,402 --> 00:10:57,030 Good morning to you, madam. 118 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:03,453 Name? Mr. And Mrs. Arthur Putey. 119 00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,374 And what is the name of your... 120 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,752 ravishing wife? Wait. 121 00:11:10,961 --> 00:11:13,213 Don't tell me. It's... 122 00:11:13,422 --> 00:11:16,216 It's something to do with moonlight. 123 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:20,845 It goes with her eyes. It's soft and gentle... 124 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,264 warm and yielding... 125 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:28,770 deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit. 126 00:11:28,979 --> 00:11:31,314 It's Deirdre. 127 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,316 Deirdre. 128 00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:37,529 What a beautiful name. 129 00:11:38,155 --> 00:11:40,657 What a beautiful... 130 00:11:41,575 --> 00:11:44,160 beautiful name. 131 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:50,375 And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Putey? 132 00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:53,253 It all started when we first went to Brighton on holiday together. 133 00:11:53,462 --> 00:11:56,339 Deirdre, that's my wife, and I have always been very close companions, 134 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,300 and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife. 135 00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:02,303 Indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser 136 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:04,264 has always been of the greatest repugnance to me, 137 00:12:04,473 --> 00:12:11,104 although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession. 138 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:14,399 Do go on. 139 00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:16,860 As I was saying, Deirdre and I have always been very close companions, 140 00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:20,780 sharing the interests, the gardening, the sixpenny bottle for holiday money. 141 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:24,534 And indeed twice a month of an evening, settling down to do the accounts together, 142 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:28,288 something which Deirdre, that's my wife, 143 00:12:28,497 --> 00:12:31,374 and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet. 144 00:12:31,625 --> 00:12:35,587 I should've said at the outset I'm noted for having a grand sense of humour. 145 00:12:35,796 --> 00:12:37,714 Although, I have kept myself much to myself 146 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:39,674 over the last couple of years. 147 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:43,261 It's only as comparatively recently as recently that I began to realise, 148 00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,681 well, perhaps realise is too strong a word, 149 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:51,269 imagine that I was not the only thing in her life. 150 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:54,814 You suspected your wife? Oh, well... 151 00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,861 Frankly, yes. 152 00:13:00,070 --> 00:13:02,113 A bit. 153 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:04,699 Her behaviour did seem to me... 154 00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,701 Her behaviour did seem to me, 155 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:10,705 who was, after all, there to see, to be a little odd. 156 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,332 Odd? Well, to a certain extent, yes. 157 00:13:12,541 --> 00:13:14,918 Now, I'm not by nature a suspicious person, far from it. 158 00:13:15,127 --> 00:13:17,378 In fact, I've got something of a reputation as an after-dinner speaker, 159 00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,130 if you get my meaning. 160 00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:20,340 Yes, I certainly do. 161 00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:23,885 Indeed in the area where people know me, I'm, in fact, very well-known. 162 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:26,513 Fine. Would you? Yes, certainly. 163 00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:29,682 So I decided it was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush, 164 00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:32,060 or I'd never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again. 165 00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:36,689 Look, would you mind running along for 10, make it 20 minutes? All right? 166 00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:40,401 Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I? 167 00:13:43,405 --> 00:13:46,825 Yes, that's perhaps the best thing. 168 00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:51,955 You've certainly set my mind at rest on one or two scores, then. 169 00:13:52,331 --> 00:13:54,833 [♪♪♪] 170 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,553 [THUNDER ROLLS] 171 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,598 VOICE: Arthur Putey, 172 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:14,435 are you a man or a mouse? 173 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:19,023 You've been running too long, Arthur Putey. It's time to stop, 174 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:22,610 time to turn and fight like a man. 175 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:29,450 Go back in there, Arthur Putey. Go back in there and pull your finger out. 176 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:32,745 Yes. Yes, you're right. 177 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,665 This is it, Arthur Putey! 178 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:42,338 This is your moment, Arthur Putey! At last, you're a man! 179 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:49,053 Come out, Deirdre. I know you're in there. 180 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,599 COUNSELLOR: Go away. Right-o. 181 00:14:52,808 --> 00:14:55,268 [LAUGHING] 182 00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:22,295 Oh, what a lovely little... 183 00:15:22,504 --> 00:15:24,797 [SCREAMING] 184 00:15:31,972 --> 00:15:33,806 Oh, what a lovely little... 185 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,517 [SCREAMING] 186 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,521 [BELCHES] 187 00:15:44,526 --> 00:15:48,029 Oh, what a lovely little... WOMAN: Stop it! Stop right there! 188 00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:52,158 This is absolutely disgusting, and I'm not going to stand for it. 189 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,535 There. Kill. 190 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,204 [GROWLS] 191 00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:09,676 [♪♪♪] 192 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,270 Ooh. 193 00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:32,240 Oh. 194 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:48,256 [GRUNTING] 195 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,681 Cut. That's it. We're not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen. 196 00:16:56,890 --> 00:16:59,976 This depraved and degrading spectacle is going to stop right now. 197 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,519 Do you hear me? Stop it. 198 00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:03,688 MAN: Damn! Just when it was getting good. 199 00:17:11,155 --> 00:17:13,698 Evening, squire. 200 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:27,336 Are you married? 201 00:17:28,547 --> 00:17:31,632 Yes. I'm a bachelor myself. 202 00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:35,803 Is? Is your wife a goer? Eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? 203 00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,056 Nudge, nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more. 204 00:17:38,265 --> 00:17:40,850 I beg your pardon? Your wife, does she go? 205 00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,728 Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Does she go, eh? 206 00:17:43,937 --> 00:17:46,522 She sometimes goes. I bet she does. I bet she does. 207 00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,400 Say no more. Say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 208 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:53,071 I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. Follow me. Follow me. That's good. 209 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:56,699 That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 210 00:17:56,909 --> 00:18:01,037 Look, are you selling something? "Selling. Selling." Very good. Very good. 211 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,289 Know what I mean? 212 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:06,667 Oh, wicked. You're wicked. You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge. 213 00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:09,629 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 214 00:18:09,838 --> 00:18:13,132 But... Your wife a sport, eh? 215 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:17,011 She likes sport, yes. I bet she does. I bet she does. 216 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:20,973 Yes, she's very fond of cricket. Who isn't, eh? Who isn't? 217 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:24,644 Likes games? Knew she would. Knew she would. Who doesn't, eh? 218 00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:26,729 She's been around a bit, eh? Been around. 219 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:31,526 Yes, she's travelled. She's from Purley. Oh, say no more. Say no more. 220 00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:37,406 Say no more. Purley? Say no more. Know what I mean? Say no more. 221 00:18:38,909 --> 00:18:42,912 Your wife interested in photography, eh? 222 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:46,415 Photographs, eh? "He asked him knowingly." 223 00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:47,625 Photography? 224 00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:49,961 Snap, snap. Grin, grin. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more. 225 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:52,713 Holiday snaps? Could be. Could be taken on holiday. 226 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:56,175 Could be swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge. 227 00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:59,971 Candid. Candid photography. No, I'm afraid we don't have a camera. 228 00:19:00,180 --> 00:19:03,599 Oh. Still. Whoa! Eh? 229 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,435 Eh? Whoa! 230 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,396 Look, are you trying to insinuate something? 231 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,732 No. No. No. No. No. No. 232 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:13,484 Yes. 233 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,154 Well? Well, I mean... 234 00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,948 You're a man of the world, aren't you? I mean, you know... 235 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:21,200 You've been around. You've been there. 236 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,453 What do you mean? Well, I mean, like, you've, you know... 237 00:19:24,663 --> 00:19:26,455 You've done it, uh... 238 00:19:26,665 --> 00:19:28,833 with a lady. You've slept with a lady. 239 00:19:29,042 --> 00:19:30,710 Yes. 240 00:19:31,795 --> 00:19:32,795 What's it like? 241 00:19:33,964 --> 00:19:37,425 WOMAN'S VOICE: Well, I think it's overrated. 242 00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:40,595 Shut up, you! 243 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:44,557 Good evening, class. Good evening. 244 00:19:44,766 --> 00:19:47,143 Where are all the others, then? They're not here. 245 00:19:47,394 --> 00:19:50,354 I can see that! What's the matter with them? 246 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,481 Don't know. Perhaps they've got flu. 247 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:53,983 Flu! 248 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:57,320 They should eat more fresh fruit. 249 00:19:59,823 --> 00:20:02,325 Right! Now! Self-defence! 250 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:05,745 Tonight, I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week, 251 00:20:05,954 --> 00:20:10,249 when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone 252 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:14,086 who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit. 253 00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,671 [GROANING] 254 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:17,715 You promised you wouldn't do fruit this week. 255 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:19,133 What do you mean? 256 00:20:19,384 --> 00:20:21,552 We've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks. 257 00:20:21,762 --> 00:20:25,640 What's wrong with fruit?! You think you know it all, eh?! 258 00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,016 Can't we try something else? 259 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,435 Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick. 260 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:33,439 Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. 261 00:20:33,649 --> 00:20:38,194 We want to learn to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? 262 00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:44,116 Getting all high-and-mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? 263 00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:47,954 Oh, oh, oh... Well, let me tell you something, my lad, 264 00:20:48,163 --> 00:20:51,707 when you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac 265 00:20:51,917 --> 00:20:56,879 comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! 266 00:20:57,089 --> 00:21:01,300 Right! And now the passion fruit! 267 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:05,346 When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus... 268 00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:08,224 We've done the passion fruit. What? 269 00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,226 We've done the passion fruit. 270 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:14,522 We've done oranges, apples, grapefruit... MAN 3: Whole and segments. 271 00:21:14,731 --> 00:21:18,484 MAN 2: Greengages, pomegranates... MAN 1: Grapes, passion fruit... 272 00:21:18,694 --> 00:21:20,194 MAN 2: Lemons. MAN 3: Plums. 273 00:21:20,404 --> 00:21:23,281 MAN 4: And mangoes in syrup. 274 00:21:23,490 --> 00:21:26,117 How about cherries? We've done them. 275 00:21:26,326 --> 00:21:28,494 INSTRUCTOR: Red and black? Yes. 276 00:21:29,663 --> 00:21:31,914 All right, then. 277 00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:35,626 Bananas. 278 00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,796 We haven't done bananas, have we? No. 279 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:45,052 Right! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Catch. 280 00:21:45,262 --> 00:21:49,265 Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. 281 00:21:49,516 --> 00:21:52,893 First of all, you force him to drop the banana. 282 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:56,939 Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. 283 00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:58,816 You have now rendered him helpless. 284 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,902 Supposing he's got a bunch? Shut up! 285 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:05,031 Suppose he's got a pointed stick? Shut up! 286 00:22:06,658 --> 00:22:09,285 Right. Now, you, Mr. Apricot! Harrison. 287 00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:12,371 Sorry, Mr. Harrison. Come at me with that banana. 288 00:22:12,581 --> 00:22:14,874 Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it. 289 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,752 Come on, attack me! Come on! 290 00:22:17,961 --> 00:22:23,049 No. No. No. Put something into it. For God's sake, hold the banana like that! 291 00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:25,509 That's better! Now scream! [SCREAMS] 292 00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:27,970 Good! Right! Now attack me! 293 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,431 Come on, man, attack me! 294 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:32,266 [GUN FIRES] 295 00:22:35,103 --> 00:22:38,856 Next, I eat the banana. 296 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:42,985 Now, I would just like to point out 297 00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:47,198 that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly. 298 00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:51,494 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do, 299 00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:55,581 except perhaps my wife and some of her friends. 300 00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:57,500 Oh, yes, and Capt. Johnson. 301 00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,461 Come to think, most people like a good laugh more than I do, 302 00:23:00,670 --> 00:23:02,129 but that's beside the point. 303 00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,800 I'm warning this film not to get silly again. Right. 304 00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:11,597 Now, director, on the command "cut," cut to the next scene. 305 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:12,807 Director... 306 00:23:13,517 --> 00:23:17,937 NARRATOR: This is a frightened city... COLONEL: Wait for it. 307 00:23:18,438 --> 00:23:20,481 Director, cut! 308 00:23:21,525 --> 00:23:22,983 NARRATOR: This is a frightened city. 309 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:27,321 Over these streets, over these houses, hangs a pall of fear. 310 00:23:27,572 --> 00:23:32,701 An ugly kind of violence is rife, stalking the town. 311 00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,120 [SCREAMING] 312 00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:40,251 Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenceless young men. 313 00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:45,548 [♪♪♪] 314 00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:03,566 MAN: They just come up to you and push you, like, 315 00:24:03,775 --> 00:24:05,776 you know, shove you off the pavement. 316 00:24:05,986 --> 00:24:08,529 There's usually about four or five of them. 317 00:24:09,072 --> 00:24:11,949 Yeah, sometimes there's three or four of them. 318 00:24:12,159 --> 00:24:15,995 It's not even safe to go out down to the shops anymore. 319 00:24:17,247 --> 00:24:21,625 NARRATOR: Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex. 320 00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:24,128 Theirs is a harsh, ruthless world. 321 00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:28,299 A tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king. 322 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:34,722 But what are they in it for? These senile delinquents, these layabouts in lace. 323 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:38,142 GRANNY 1: I like the violence. GRANNY 2: The prestige mainly. 324 00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:41,520 GRANNY 3: The free gifts. GRANNY 4: Putting the knee in the groin. 325 00:24:41,730 --> 00:24:43,981 GRANNY 3: We like pulling the heads off sheep. 326 00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:46,984 GRANNY 2: And teacakes. GRANNIES: Yes. 327 00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:50,446 We have a lot of trouble with these Grannies. Pension day is the worst. 328 00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:54,366 Soon as they get it, they blow the lot on milk, tea, sugar, 329 00:24:54,576 --> 00:24:55,951 a tin of meat for the cat. 330 00:24:56,203 --> 00:24:58,996 The whole crux of the problem 331 00:24:59,206 --> 00:25:04,502 lies in the basic dissatisfaction of these senile delinquents 332 00:25:04,711 --> 00:25:06,170 with the world as they find it. 333 00:25:06,379 --> 00:25:09,632 They begin to question the values of their society. 334 00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:12,384 They see their sons and daughters growing up to become 335 00:25:12,594 --> 00:25:16,138 accountants, solicitors, sociologists even, 336 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,766 and they begin to wonder, "Is it all worth it? Is it all...?" 337 00:25:18,975 --> 00:25:21,268 [SCREAMS] 338 00:25:23,230 --> 00:25:25,731 [LAUGHING] 339 00:25:31,238 --> 00:25:36,450 NARRATOR: Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes. 340 00:25:36,660 --> 00:25:37,868 [PHONE RINGS] 341 00:25:38,078 --> 00:25:41,163 But mostly, they just live for kicks. 342 00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,053 But there are other kinds of violence abroad. 343 00:25:56,263 --> 00:25:58,722 Other gangs, equally vicious, equally determined, 344 00:25:58,932 --> 00:26:02,643 such as The Baby-Snatchers. 345 00:26:02,852 --> 00:26:04,687 [BABIES CRYING] 346 00:26:04,896 --> 00:26:06,272 MAN: Hey! 347 00:26:06,481 --> 00:26:09,608 What is this? Help! 348 00:26:09,818 --> 00:26:13,487 Well, I left him outside for a few moments while I got some Brillo pads. 349 00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:17,408 When I came back, he was gone. He was only 48. 350 00:26:17,993 --> 00:26:22,705 NARRATOR: And also vicious gangs of "keep left" signs. 351 00:26:27,210 --> 00:26:30,337 Right, stop that. It's silly. 352 00:26:30,547 --> 00:26:31,922 Very silly indeed. 353 00:26:32,132 --> 00:26:35,676 It started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, 354 00:26:35,885 --> 00:26:38,012 but now it's just got silly. 355 00:26:38,221 --> 00:26:40,139 His hair's too long for a vicar too. 356 00:26:40,348 --> 00:26:42,600 You can tell that those are not proper "keep left" signs. 357 00:26:42,809 --> 00:26:44,727 Clear off, the lot of you! 358 00:26:44,936 --> 00:26:48,147 You, come with me. 359 00:26:51,985 --> 00:26:53,944 Right. Now let's see something decent and military. 360 00:26:54,112 --> 00:26:55,321 Some precision drilling. 361 00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:59,575 MAN: Squad, camp it up! 362 00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:03,829 ♪ Oh, get her I've got your number, ducky ♪ 363 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:07,041 ♪ You couldn't afford me, dear Two, three ♪ 364 00:27:07,250 --> 00:27:09,627 ♪ I'll scratch your eyes out ♪ 365 00:27:09,836 --> 00:27:13,047 ♪ Don't come the brigadier bit With us, dear ♪ 366 00:27:13,256 --> 00:27:16,508 ♪ We all know where you've been You military fairy ♪ 367 00:27:16,718 --> 00:27:20,346 ♪ Two, three One, two, three, four, five, six ♪ 368 00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,598 ♪ Woops, don't look now, girls ♪ 369 00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:26,268 ♪ The major's just minced in With that dolly colour sergeant ♪ 370 00:27:26,478 --> 00:27:28,520 ♪ Two, three ♪ 371 00:27:29,814 --> 00:27:32,316 Right, Stop that! Silly. 372 00:27:32,525 --> 00:27:34,443 And a bit suspect, I think. 373 00:27:34,653 --> 00:27:35,903 Time for a cartoon. 374 00:27:37,405 --> 00:27:42,242 WOMAN: Once upon a time, there was an enchanted prince 375 00:27:42,452 --> 00:27:46,455 who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles. 376 00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:52,461 One day, he discovered a spot on his face. 377 00:27:53,421 --> 00:27:59,301 Foolishly, he ignored it, and three years later, he died of cancer. 378 00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:05,557 The spot, however, flourished and soon set out to seek its fortune. 379 00:28:10,021 --> 00:28:12,856 Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 380 00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:16,902 [LAUGHS] 381 00:28:17,821 --> 00:28:18,946 [CRASHING] 382 00:28:19,155 --> 00:28:20,906 Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. 383 00:28:27,247 --> 00:28:28,539 [PANTS] 384 00:28:29,457 --> 00:28:30,457 [KISSING] 385 00:28:39,008 --> 00:28:42,136 WOMAN: Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door? 386 00:28:42,345 --> 00:28:43,345 AGNES: Yes. 387 00:28:43,555 --> 00:28:45,180 WOMAN: Black as the ace of spades they were. 388 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:48,308 Oh, well, there goes the neighbourhood. 389 00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:49,768 AGNES: Oh, yes. 390 00:28:49,978 --> 00:28:51,103 [CRACKING] 391 00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:00,404 [FOOTSTEPS] 392 00:29:10,331 --> 00:29:12,708 Next, please. 393 00:29:15,295 --> 00:29:18,255 One at a time, please. 394 00:29:18,631 --> 00:29:21,467 There is only me, sir. 395 00:29:26,014 --> 00:29:30,100 So there is. Take a... 396 00:29:30,310 --> 00:29:33,187 Seat? Seat. Seat. Take a seat. 397 00:29:33,396 --> 00:29:38,317 So you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you? 398 00:29:38,818 --> 00:29:41,195 Who? Me, sir? Mm-hm. 399 00:29:41,529 --> 00:29:45,491 Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. Jolly good. Jolly good. 400 00:29:45,867 --> 00:29:48,327 And how about you? 401 00:29:49,245 --> 00:29:51,830 There is only me, sir. 402 00:29:57,587 --> 00:30:00,964 Well, bang goes his application, then. 403 00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:02,758 Now, let me fill you in. 404 00:30:02,967 --> 00:30:04,259 I'm leading this expedition, 405 00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:08,305 and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro. 406 00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:11,850 I thought there was only one peak, sir. 407 00:30:23,446 --> 00:30:27,157 Well, that will save a bit of time. Well done. 408 00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:29,993 Now, the object of this year's expedition, 409 00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:33,705 is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition. 410 00:30:33,915 --> 00:30:36,625 Last year's expedition? Yes. My brother was leading that. 411 00:30:36,835 --> 00:30:42,005 They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks. 412 00:30:45,802 --> 00:30:47,094 My idea, I'm afraid. 413 00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:50,055 Now, I ought to tell you that I have practically everyone that I need 414 00:30:50,265 --> 00:30:53,976 for this expedition, but what special qualifications do you have? 415 00:30:54,185 --> 00:30:56,520 Well, sir... Yes, you first. 416 00:30:56,729 --> 00:30:58,897 There is only me, sir. I wasn't talking to you. 417 00:30:59,148 --> 00:31:00,315 Carry on. 418 00:31:00,525 --> 00:31:04,361 Well, sir, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer. 419 00:31:05,029 --> 00:31:06,905 Mountaineer? 420 00:31:09,659 --> 00:31:11,201 Uh... 421 00:31:12,328 --> 00:31:14,121 "Mouse..." 422 00:31:15,039 --> 00:31:16,582 "Mountaineer: 423 00:31:16,791 --> 00:31:19,585 Two men skilled at climbing a mountain." 424 00:31:19,836 --> 00:31:25,549 By Jove, that will be useful. Well, you're in. Congratulations. 425 00:31:25,758 --> 00:31:28,468 Both of you. Now, what are your names? 426 00:31:28,678 --> 00:31:31,597 Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson. 427 00:31:31,848 --> 00:31:32,848 Mm-hm. 428 00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:37,644 Well, look, I'll call you Arthur Wilson 1 and you Arthur Wilson 2, 429 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,646 just to avoid confusion. 430 00:31:39,856 --> 00:31:41,815 Are you actually leading this expedition, sir? 431 00:31:42,025 --> 00:31:44,818 Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa. 432 00:31:45,361 --> 00:31:47,237 What routes will you both be following? 433 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:52,159 Good questions. Well, we'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22nds, 434 00:31:52,410 --> 00:31:54,328 and taking the following routes. 435 00:31:54,537 --> 00:31:57,039 From Manchesters, down through Oxfords, 436 00:31:57,248 --> 00:32:00,042 taking the M1 s through Londons to Purleys, 437 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:03,003 then the A25s from Purleys to Dovers. 438 00:32:03,212 --> 00:32:08,383 Then Afrikish to Nairobis. Then we take the south roads out of Nairobis 439 00:32:08,593 --> 00:32:11,929 for about 12 miles and then ask. Does anyone speak Swahili? 440 00:32:12,138 --> 00:32:13,889 Yes, I think most of them do down there. 441 00:32:14,223 --> 00:32:16,850 No, does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir? 442 00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:20,520 Well, matron's got a smattering. Apart from the two matrons? 443 00:32:20,730 --> 00:32:22,230 I'd forgotten about her. 444 00:32:22,482 --> 00:32:24,900 Well, apart from them, who else is coming on our expedition? 445 00:32:25,151 --> 00:32:28,320 Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins, 446 00:32:28,529 --> 00:32:30,489 two botanists called Machin, 447 00:32:30,698 --> 00:32:32,491 the William Johnston brothers. Two of them? 448 00:32:32,700 --> 00:32:34,868 No, four of them, pair of identical twins. 449 00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,788 Two of the Harry Baker quads and you two. 450 00:32:38,414 --> 00:32:40,290 And none of these are mountaineers? 451 00:32:40,541 --> 00:32:44,378 Well, you two are, and we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinsop, 452 00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:47,798 because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. 453 00:32:48,007 --> 00:32:50,926 Most of it's up, until you reach the very, very top. 454 00:32:51,135 --> 00:32:53,762 And then it tends to slope away rather sharply. 455 00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:58,642 But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. Jimmy! 456 00:32:59,602 --> 00:33:02,521 Jimmy Blenkinsop, Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinsop. 457 00:33:02,730 --> 00:33:03,939 Jimmy Blenkinsop 2, Arthur Wilson 2. 458 00:33:04,148 --> 00:33:06,274 Arthur Wilson 2, Jimmy Blenkinsop 1. 459 00:33:06,484 --> 00:33:07,609 Carry on, Jimmy. 460 00:33:07,819 --> 00:33:12,489 Don't worry about the... We'll get him up all right. 461 00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:25,002 Well, I suppose I'd better describe the route. Well, we start quite simply up Kilimanjaro. 462 00:33:25,878 --> 00:33:28,380 It's quite simple. No problem there, basically. 463 00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:32,759 And then we go on to the main face itself of Kilimanjaro. 464 00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,554 It's difficult here because there's loose rock. 465 00:33:35,763 --> 00:33:41,518 Once you get away through that, there's a difficult bit round here. 466 00:33:41,728 --> 00:33:45,689 You've got to go from the end of the mantelpiece onto the coffee table, 467 00:33:45,898 --> 00:33:48,942 which is difficult, but there's quite a good foothold. 468 00:33:49,152 --> 00:33:52,446 Then we've got the rail here, which is quite a good foothold. 469 00:33:52,655 --> 00:33:56,867 Then a terribly easy bit over the floor, up onto the chair. 470 00:33:57,076 --> 00:34:00,787 And then we've got a layback. 471 00:34:00,997 --> 00:34:07,419 We get down and go quite simply straight out to the stairs. 472 00:34:07,795 --> 00:34:09,671 He'll be leading the first assault. 473 00:34:09,881 --> 00:34:12,507 Well, I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition, sir, 474 00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:17,012 as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it. 475 00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,391 Oh, dear. 476 00:34:22,518 --> 00:34:24,853 Well, what about you? Well, I'm game, sir. 477 00:34:25,104 --> 00:34:28,273 Jolly good! Jolly good! 478 00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,734 Good Lord! 479 00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:40,911 [MAN GRUNTING AND BREATHING] 480 00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,095 MAN: Ugh. 481 00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:00,472 And now for something completely different. 482 00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:02,682 Inspector, inspector! Yes, sir. 483 00:35:02,850 --> 00:35:05,227 I was sitting on a park bench just now and put my coat down. 484 00:35:05,436 --> 00:35:09,606 When I picked it up again, I found my wallet was gone, and 15 pounds had been stolen. 485 00:35:09,816 --> 00:35:11,483 Did you see anyone? 486 00:35:11,692 --> 00:35:14,402 No, no one at all. 487 00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:18,782 Well, there's very little we can do about that, sir. 488 00:35:27,750 --> 00:35:30,544 Do you wanna come back to my place? 489 00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:36,758 Yeah, all right. 490 00:35:42,473 --> 00:35:44,432 [GASPS] 491 00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:45,725 [MAN LAUGHS] 492 00:35:54,443 --> 00:35:56,695 [GASPS] 493 00:36:00,825 --> 00:36:02,784 [SCREAMS] 494 00:36:14,380 --> 00:36:19,384 NARRATOR: And so Miss Spume returned to her typing and dreamed her little dreamy dreams, 495 00:36:19,594 --> 00:36:23,555 unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. 496 00:36:23,764 --> 00:36:26,266 For Miss Spume was about to fall victim 497 00:36:26,475 --> 00:36:30,687 of the dreaded international Chinese Communist conspiracy. 498 00:36:31,272 --> 00:36:33,023 Yes, these fanatical fiends, 499 00:36:33,232 --> 00:36:36,776 under the leadership of the so-called Mao Zedong, 500 00:36:36,986 --> 00:36:41,990 had caught Miss Spume off guard for one brief but fatal moment 501 00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:43,658 [WHIMPERS] 502 00:36:43,868 --> 00:36:46,786 NARRATOR: And destroyed her. 503 00:36:46,996 --> 00:36:50,373 Just as they are ready to do anytime, to free men anywhere 504 00:36:50,583 --> 00:36:53,043 who waver in their defence of democracy. 505 00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,378 [EXPLODING] 506 00:36:55,713 --> 00:37:00,175 [♪ "THE STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS ♪] 507 00:37:03,262 --> 00:37:06,306 Once again, American defence proves its effectiveness 508 00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,475 against international communism. 509 00:37:08,726 --> 00:37:11,811 Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country 510 00:37:12,021 --> 00:37:14,439 we can see how international communism works 511 00:37:14,649 --> 00:37:18,443 by eroding away from within. 512 00:37:22,114 --> 00:37:25,700 When one country or tooth falls victim to international communism, 513 00:37:25,910 --> 00:37:28,620 its neighbours soon follow. 514 00:37:28,829 --> 00:37:32,332 In dentistry, this is known as the domino theory. 515 00:37:32,792 --> 00:37:37,128 But with American defence, the decay is stopped before it starts. 516 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:42,175 That's why 9 out of 10 small countries choose American defence. 517 00:37:42,385 --> 00:37:46,429 ANNOUNCER: Or Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin. 518 00:37:46,973 --> 00:37:49,057 The white car represents Crelm toothpaste 519 00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:51,226 with the miracle ingredient, Fraudulin. 520 00:37:51,435 --> 00:37:53,979 The not-white car represents another toothpaste. 521 00:37:54,188 --> 00:37:56,856 [GUN FIRES] [CAR ENGINES ROAR] 522 00:37:57,358 --> 00:37:59,734 Yes, both cars provide 30 percent protection. 523 00:38:01,988 --> 00:38:04,489 At 60 percent protection, both cars are doing well. 524 00:38:05,324 --> 00:38:07,701 And now at 90 percent protection... 525 00:38:07,910 --> 00:38:10,495 Wait! The not-white car is out, 526 00:38:10,746 --> 00:38:14,791 and Crelm toothpaste goes on to win with 100 percent protection! 527 00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:19,421 Yes, do like all smart motorists, choose Crelm toothpaste. 528 00:38:19,672 --> 00:38:24,092 Or Shrill petrol with the new additive, GLC 9424075. 529 00:38:24,302 --> 00:38:26,469 After 6 p.m., 9424047. 530 00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,222 Using this white card to represent engine deposits 531 00:38:29,432 --> 00:38:34,394 and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive, GLC 9424075. 532 00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,604 After 6 p.m., 9424047. 533 00:38:36,814 --> 00:38:40,150 We can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth 534 00:38:40,359 --> 00:38:42,027 by the superior qualities available to Shrill... 535 00:38:42,236 --> 00:38:43,778 [GUN FIRES] 536 00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:44,779 [GROANING] 537 00:38:44,989 --> 00:38:46,364 [FOOTSTEPS] 538 00:38:46,574 --> 00:38:48,074 [CRASHING] 539 00:38:48,617 --> 00:38:50,285 OFFICER: This is the police. 540 00:38:50,494 --> 00:38:53,288 We know you're in there, so come out with your hands up. 541 00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:55,248 MAN: You'll never take me alive, copper. 542 00:38:55,458 --> 00:38:58,376 OFFICER: All right, then. Sergeant! 543 00:39:03,966 --> 00:39:06,468 [♪♪♪] 544 00:39:14,310 --> 00:39:15,727 [BURPS] 545 00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:22,025 ANNOUNCER: Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth. 546 00:39:59,814 --> 00:40:01,898 [BOOING] 547 00:40:03,859 --> 00:40:06,736 [CLAPPING] 548 00:40:08,447 --> 00:40:12,951 Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and his exploding teeth. 549 00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:16,663 A smile, two fangs and an "excuse me." 550 00:40:16,872 --> 00:40:19,374 And next tonight, gentlemen and ladies 551 00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:22,919 here at the Peep-hole Club for the very first time, 552 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:29,676 we're very proud to welcome Ken Ewing and his musical mice. 553 00:40:37,309 --> 00:40:39,018 EWING: Thank you, thank you. 554 00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:45,483 Ladies and gentlemen, I have in this box, 23 white mice. 555 00:40:45,693 --> 00:40:50,905 Mice which I have painstakingly trained over the past few years 556 00:40:51,115 --> 00:40:55,160 to squeak at a selected pitch. 557 00:40:55,369 --> 00:41:00,373 This one is E sharp, and this one is G. 558 00:41:00,583 --> 00:41:03,877 G, E sharp. You have the general idea. 559 00:41:04,128 --> 00:41:08,298 Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack 560 00:41:08,507 --> 00:41:11,217 that when played in the correct order, 561 00:41:11,427 --> 00:41:16,139 they will squeak "Three Blinded White Mice." 562 00:41:16,348 --> 00:41:19,893 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the mouse organ, 563 00:41:20,102 --> 00:41:24,856 "Three Blinded White Mice." Thank you. 564 00:41:25,065 --> 00:41:26,941 [SQUEAKING] 565 00:41:27,193 --> 00:41:32,363 AUDIENCE: Oh, God! Stop him! 566 00:41:32,698 --> 00:41:36,159 [CHATTERING] 567 00:41:53,552 --> 00:41:56,137 Ten seconds, studio. 568 00:41:57,431 --> 00:41:59,349 WOMAN: Stop him! 569 00:42:03,562 --> 00:42:07,524 Hello, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. 570 00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:12,070 And we kick off this evening with a look at the cinema. 571 00:42:12,321 --> 00:42:16,407 One of the most prolific film directors of this age or indeed of any age 572 00:42:16,617 --> 00:42:20,161 is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time for five years 573 00:42:20,371 --> 00:42:24,207 to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre. 574 00:42:24,416 --> 00:42:27,961 And we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in the studio this evening. 575 00:42:28,170 --> 00:42:29,170 Good evening. 576 00:42:29,380 --> 00:42:31,714 Edward, you don't mind if I call you Edward? 577 00:42:31,924 --> 00:42:34,425 No, not at all. It does seem to worry some people. 578 00:42:34,635 --> 00:42:38,805 I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps they're sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions. 579 00:42:39,014 --> 00:42:42,350 No, no, that's fine. So, Edward it is. Splendid. 580 00:42:42,560 --> 00:42:44,435 I'm sorry to have brought it up. 581 00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:45,687 No, no, Edward it is. 582 00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:48,398 Well, thank you very much indeed for being so helpful. 583 00:42:48,607 --> 00:42:51,276 Only sometimes, it's more than my job's worth. 584 00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:52,485 Quite. 585 00:42:52,736 --> 00:42:56,531 Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport, to put the other person at his ease. 586 00:42:56,740 --> 00:42:58,324 Quite. Quite. 587 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:01,119 Silly little point, but it does seem to matter. 588 00:43:01,328 --> 00:43:03,663 Still, less said the better. 589 00:43:03,872 --> 00:43:07,292 Ted, when you first went in the film... You don't mind if I call you Ted? 590 00:43:07,501 --> 00:43:09,877 As opposed to Edward? No, everyone calls me Ted. 591 00:43:10,087 --> 00:43:12,797 Splendid. Of course, it's much shorter, isn't it? 592 00:43:13,007 --> 00:43:15,174 Yes, it is. Much less formal. 593 00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,093 Yes. Ted, Edward, anything. 594 00:43:17,303 --> 00:43:18,428 Splendid. 595 00:43:18,637 --> 00:43:19,679 Incidentally, do call me Tom. 596 00:43:19,888 --> 00:43:23,808 I don't want you bothering with any of this Thomas nonsense. 597 00:43:24,268 --> 00:43:28,271 Um, where were we? Yes. Eddie baby, when you first started... 598 00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:32,609 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't like being called Eddie baby. 599 00:43:32,818 --> 00:43:35,528 I beg your pardon? I don't like being called Eddie baby. 600 00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:38,323 Now get on with the interview. 601 00:43:39,074 --> 00:43:42,201 Did I call you Eddie baby? Yes, you did. 602 00:43:42,411 --> 00:43:45,538 I don't think I called you Eddie baby. Did I call him Eddie baby? 603 00:43:45,748 --> 00:43:48,374 CREW: Yes. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. 604 00:43:48,584 --> 00:43:50,668 I didn't really call you Eddie baby, did I, sweetie? 605 00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:52,128 Don't call me sweetie! 606 00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:54,172 Can I call you sugarplum? No! 607 00:43:54,423 --> 00:43:55,465 Pussycat? No! 608 00:43:56,884 --> 00:44:00,470 Angel drawers? No, you may not. Now get on with it. 609 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:02,013 Can I call you Frank? 610 00:44:03,891 --> 00:44:04,891 Why Frank? 611 00:44:05,476 --> 00:44:06,809 Frank's a nice name. 612 00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,812 President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank. Frank. 613 00:44:10,147 --> 00:44:13,441 What is going on? Frank, Frankie, Fran, Frannie. 614 00:44:13,692 --> 00:44:15,026 Little Frannie-pooh. 615 00:44:15,235 --> 00:44:16,861 All right, that's it. I'm leaving. 616 00:44:17,071 --> 00:44:19,739 I've had enough of this. I've never been so insulted. 617 00:44:19,948 --> 00:44:21,908 Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward. 618 00:44:22,117 --> 00:44:23,117 What? 619 00:44:23,327 --> 00:44:26,954 Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind. 620 00:44:27,164 --> 00:44:29,040 None of this pussycat nonsense? 621 00:44:29,249 --> 00:44:30,792 Promise. 622 00:44:31,001 --> 00:44:33,169 Please, Sir Edward. 623 00:44:34,380 --> 00:44:36,214 My latest film? Yes, Sir Edward. 624 00:44:38,008 --> 00:44:42,887 I first had the idea, funnily enough, when I first joined the industry in 1919. 625 00:44:43,097 --> 00:44:45,723 Of course, in those days, I was only a tea boy... 626 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,475 Oh, shut up! 627 00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,852 MAN: There he is! 628 00:44:51,397 --> 00:44:53,439 [CHATTERING] 629 00:45:22,094 --> 00:45:23,845 [WHISTLING] 630 00:45:38,277 --> 00:45:41,070 [♪♪♪] 631 00:46:33,749 --> 00:46:36,250 SCRIBBLER: The room is full of milkmen, 632 00:46:37,252 --> 00:46:41,255 some of whom are... 633 00:46:41,465 --> 00:46:46,719 Are very old. 634 00:46:50,516 --> 00:46:55,228 NARRATOR: This man is Ernest Scribbler, manufacturer of jokes. 635 00:46:55,437 --> 00:46:59,357 In a few moments, he will think of the funniest joke in the world. 636 00:46:59,566 --> 00:47:04,654 And as a result, he will die laughing. 637 00:47:18,877 --> 00:47:22,505 [LAUGHING] 638 00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:48,906 NARRATOR: It was obvious the joke was lethal. 639 00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:51,534 No one could read it and live. 640 00:47:51,743 --> 00:47:54,954 Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment, 641 00:47:55,163 --> 00:48:01,794 entered the room and found what was, apparently, a suicide note. 642 00:48:07,426 --> 00:48:09,802 [LAUGHING] 643 00:48:17,102 --> 00:48:18,102 [♪♪♪] 644 00:48:30,407 --> 00:48:32,325 ANNOUNCER: Yes, the war against the Hun continues. 645 00:48:32,576 --> 00:48:34,952 And as Britain's brave boys battle against the Boche, 646 00:48:35,162 --> 00:48:37,038 their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs 647 00:48:37,289 --> 00:48:41,417 that could provide the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun. 648 00:48:43,545 --> 00:48:45,630 And here, in this little house in Finchley, 649 00:48:45,839 --> 00:48:47,298 they think maybe they've found it. 650 00:48:47,507 --> 00:48:52,720 It's a joke so deadly that it could have Fritz's forces falling about. 651 00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,273 [MOTORCYCLE STARTS] 652 00:49:05,984 --> 00:49:08,986 NARRATOR: Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm the joke's devastating effectiveness 653 00:49:09,196 --> 00:49:13,240 at a range of up to 50 yards. 654 00:49:36,848 --> 00:49:39,767 [LAUGHS] 655 00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:44,355 Fantastic! 656 00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,900 All through the winter of '43, 657 00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:51,529 we had translators working in joke-proof conditions 658 00:49:51,738 --> 00:49:55,700 to try and manufacture a German version of the joke. 659 00:49:55,909 --> 00:49:59,370 They worked on one word each for greater safety. 660 00:49:59,579 --> 00:50:01,831 One of them saw two words by mistake, 661 00:50:02,040 --> 00:50:04,041 and had to spend several weeks in hospital. 662 00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,752 But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast, 663 00:50:06,962 --> 00:50:09,255 and by January, we had the joke in a form 664 00:50:09,464 --> 00:50:11,424 which our troops couldn't understand 665 00:50:11,633 --> 00:50:13,509 but which the Germans could. 666 00:50:13,969 --> 00:50:16,470 NARRATOR: So on July the 8th, 1944, 667 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:21,851 the joke was first told to the enemy in the Ardennes. 668 00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:25,271 Squad, tell the joke! 669 00:50:26,982 --> 00:50:29,817 [YELLING IN GERMAN] 670 00:50:40,746 --> 00:50:44,832 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 671 00:50:46,084 --> 00:50:49,670 [LAUGHING] 672 00:50:52,007 --> 00:50:55,092 NARRATOR: In action, it was deadly. 673 00:50:56,303 --> 00:50:59,013 [YELLING IN GERMAN] 674 00:51:05,604 --> 00:51:09,440 [LAUGHING] 675 00:51:31,129 --> 00:51:33,130 The German casualties were appalling. 676 00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:46,143 It was a fantastic success, over 80,000 times as powerful 677 00:51:46,353 --> 00:51:48,562 as Britain's great prewar joke used at Munich. 678 00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:51,273 And one which Hitler couldn't match. 679 00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:52,525 [SPEAKING IN GERMAN] 680 00:52:01,451 --> 00:52:07,164 I would like to apologise for the rather poor taste of the previous item. 681 00:52:07,624 --> 00:52:10,918 Um, excuse me, please. 682 00:52:12,087 --> 00:52:13,629 [LAUGHING] 683 00:52:21,346 --> 00:52:23,139 [HUMS] 684 00:52:23,765 --> 00:52:24,807 [ENGINE ROARS] 685 00:52:27,561 --> 00:52:29,520 Oh. 686 00:52:31,022 --> 00:52:32,439 [ENGINE ROARS] 687 00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:37,736 Oh. 688 00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,739 [ENGINE ROARS] 689 00:52:45,245 --> 00:52:48,080 WOMAN: Fleet Street, please. 690 00:52:48,290 --> 00:52:50,916 MAN: All right, stay close, stay together, don't lag behind. 691 00:52:51,126 --> 00:52:56,255 Come on, keep together, everybody. Remember, watch out for the killer cars. 692 00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:01,218 NARRATOR: Yes, the killer cars. 693 00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:05,806 For years, the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion. 694 00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:11,020 In an attempt to eliminate this problem, certain fanatical cars, 695 00:53:11,229 --> 00:53:14,899 had taken the law into their own hands. 696 00:53:15,859 --> 00:53:17,318 [CAR GROWLS] 697 00:53:17,569 --> 00:53:19,862 But the days of the killer cars were numbered, 698 00:53:20,071 --> 00:53:24,325 thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation. 699 00:53:24,576 --> 00:53:26,285 [THUMPING] 700 00:53:34,002 --> 00:53:35,920 [CARS GROWLING] 701 00:53:37,964 --> 00:53:39,381 [CAR ENGINES ROARING] 702 00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:42,301 CIVILIAN: Thank you, thank you. You've saved our city. 703 00:53:42,510 --> 00:53:45,596 NARRATOR: But at what cost? 704 00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:49,850 [BELCHES] 705 00:53:50,101 --> 00:53:53,395 MAN: Just then, as it looked for certain that the city was about to be eaten, 706 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,982 the earth trembled, and the sun was blotted out from the sky. 707 00:53:57,192 --> 00:53:58,442 VOICE: Cripes! 708 00:53:58,652 --> 00:54:01,070 Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air, 709 00:54:01,279 --> 00:54:05,491 and 300 million armoured horsemen, covered with coats of 1000 colours 710 00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:08,369 appeared at every corner, attacking the monster cat 711 00:54:08,578 --> 00:54:12,206 in a scene of such spectacular proportions that it could never in your life be seen 712 00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:14,708 in a low-budget film like this. 713 00:54:14,918 --> 00:54:17,002 If you notice, my mouth isn't moving either. 714 00:54:17,212 --> 00:54:20,381 But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken, 715 00:54:20,590 --> 00:54:23,050 the earth split apart with a deafening roar and... 716 00:54:23,551 --> 00:54:25,344 [CAT MEOWS] 717 00:54:40,652 --> 00:54:43,153 [♪♪♪] 718 00:54:47,492 --> 00:54:49,326 [MUSIC SPEEDS UP] 719 00:55:11,099 --> 00:55:14,852 Hello, I wish to register a complaint. 720 00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:16,854 Hello, miss? 721 00:55:17,063 --> 00:55:18,105 What do you mean, miss? 722 00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:22,943 I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. 723 00:55:24,904 --> 00:55:26,447 Sorry, we're closing for lunch. 724 00:55:26,656 --> 00:55:29,908 Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot, 725 00:55:30,118 --> 00:55:33,329 what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 726 00:55:33,538 --> 00:55:36,415 Yes, the Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it? 727 00:55:36,624 --> 00:55:38,667 I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 728 00:55:38,877 --> 00:55:41,670 It's dead. That's what's wrong with it. 729 00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,381 No, no, it's resting. Look. 730 00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:47,217 Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one, 731 00:55:47,427 --> 00:55:49,094 and I'm looking at one right now. 732 00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,597 No, that's not dead. It's resting. 733 00:55:51,806 --> 00:55:52,931 Resting? 734 00:55:53,141 --> 00:55:55,851 Yeah, resting. Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. 735 00:55:56,061 --> 00:55:57,061 Beautiful plumage. 736 00:55:57,437 --> 00:56:01,190 The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead. 737 00:56:01,399 --> 00:56:03,859 No, it's resting. 738 00:56:04,736 --> 00:56:08,364 All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up. 739 00:56:08,573 --> 00:56:11,575 Hello, Polly! 740 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,536 I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you 741 00:56:14,746 --> 00:56:17,456 if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot. There, he moved. 742 00:56:17,665 --> 00:56:19,208 No he didn't. That was you pushing the cage! 743 00:56:19,417 --> 00:56:21,710 I didn't! Yes, you did. 744 00:56:21,920 --> 00:56:25,214 Hello, Polly! 745 00:56:26,299 --> 00:56:29,676 Wakey-wakey! 746 00:56:29,886 --> 00:56:32,346 Rise and shine! 747 00:56:32,555 --> 00:56:36,809 This is your 9:00 alarm call! 748 00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:42,231 Now, that's what I call a dead parrot. 749 00:56:43,316 --> 00:56:45,776 No, he's stunned. Stunned! 750 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,320 Yeah, you stunned him just as he was waking up. 751 00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:51,532 Norwegian Blues stun easily. Look, my lad, I've had enough of this. 752 00:56:51,741 --> 00:56:54,701 That parrot is definitely deceased. And when I bought it, 753 00:56:54,911 --> 00:56:58,455 not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement 754 00:56:58,665 --> 00:57:03,127 was due to it being tired and shagged-out after a long squawk. 755 00:57:03,336 --> 00:57:06,171 Well, he's pining for the fjords. 756 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:11,969 "Pining for the fjords"? 757 00:57:12,178 --> 00:57:14,263 What kind of talk is that? 758 00:57:14,472 --> 00:57:17,933 Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home? 759 00:57:18,143 --> 00:57:21,687 Well, the Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back. Beautiful plumage. 760 00:57:21,896 --> 00:57:24,982 Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot, 761 00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:26,984 and I discovered that the only reason 762 00:57:27,193 --> 00:57:29,862 that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place 763 00:57:30,071 --> 00:57:33,073 was that it had been nailed there. 764 00:57:33,283 --> 00:57:34,741 Oh, but of course it was nailed there. 765 00:57:34,951 --> 00:57:39,163 If I hadn't nailed it there, it would have muscled up to those bars and voom! 766 00:57:39,873 --> 00:57:41,957 Look here, mate. 767 00:57:42,333 --> 00:57:46,795 This parrot wouldn't voom if you put 4000 volts through it. 768 00:57:47,005 --> 00:57:50,132 It's bleeding demised. 769 00:57:50,341 --> 00:57:52,050 No, it's pining. 770 00:57:52,260 --> 00:57:57,139 It's not pining. It's passed on. 771 00:57:57,348 --> 00:58:02,019 This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. 772 00:58:02,228 --> 00:58:08,692 It's expired and gone to see its maker. This is a late parrot. 773 00:58:09,736 --> 00:58:14,323 It's a stiff, bereft of life. It rests in peace. 774 00:58:14,532 --> 00:58:18,535 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. 775 00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:22,331 It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 776 00:58:22,874 --> 00:58:28,837 This is an ex-parrot. 777 00:58:30,089 --> 00:58:32,466 Well, I better replace it, then. 778 00:58:32,675 --> 00:58:34,218 If you wanna get anything done in this country, 779 00:58:34,427 --> 00:58:37,596 you've got to complain until you're blue in the mouth. 780 00:58:37,805 --> 00:58:39,848 I've had a look. We're right out of parrots. 781 00:58:40,099 --> 00:58:41,975 I see. I get the picture. 782 00:58:43,728 --> 00:58:44,728 I've got a slug. 783 00:58:46,439 --> 00:58:47,439 Does it talk? 784 00:58:49,359 --> 00:58:50,609 Not really. 785 00:58:50,818 --> 00:58:54,446 Well, it's scarcely a replacement, then, is it? 786 00:58:56,783 --> 00:59:00,536 Listen, I didn't wanna work in a pet shop. 787 00:59:00,745 --> 00:59:02,120 I wanted to be a lumberjack. 788 00:59:06,042 --> 00:59:07,751 I'm sorry, this is irrelevant, isn't it? 789 00:59:08,461 --> 00:59:11,922 Yes, a lumberjack leaping from tree to tree 790 00:59:12,131 --> 00:59:15,133 as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. 791 00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:17,636 The giant redwood! 792 00:59:17,845 --> 00:59:19,721 The larch! 793 00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,181 The fir! 794 00:59:21,391 --> 00:59:23,475 The mighty Scot's pine! 795 00:59:23,685 --> 00:59:25,394 CUSTOMER: What about my bloody parrot? 796 00:59:25,603 --> 00:59:28,355 The smell of fresh-cut timber! 797 00:59:28,565 --> 00:59:31,191 The crash of mighty trees! 798 00:59:31,609 --> 00:59:34,820 With my best girl by my side, 799 00:59:35,572 --> 00:59:40,409 we'd sing, sing, sing! 800 00:59:40,660 --> 00:59:42,953 ♪ I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay ♪ 801 00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:45,789 ♪ I sleep all night and I work all day ♪ 802 00:59:46,040 --> 00:59:48,000 ♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪ 803 00:59:48,209 --> 00:59:50,627 ♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪ 804 00:59:50,837 --> 00:59:55,674 ♪ I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory ♪ 805 00:59:55,883 --> 01:00:00,846 ♪ On Wednesday I go shopping And have buttered scones for tea ♪ 806 01:00:01,097 --> 01:00:06,143 ♪ He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch He goes to the lavatory ♪ 807 01:00:06,352 --> 01:00:11,565 ♪ On Wednesday he goes shopping And has buttered scones for tea ♪ 808 01:00:11,774 --> 01:00:14,192 ♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪ 809 01:00:14,402 --> 01:00:16,903 ♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪ 810 01:00:17,113 --> 01:00:19,573 ♪ I cut down trees I skip and jump ♪ 811 01:00:19,782 --> 01:00:22,117 ♪ I like to press wild flowers ♪ 812 01:00:22,327 --> 01:00:27,623 ♪ I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars ♪ 813 01:00:27,874 --> 01:00:30,250 ♪ He cuts down trees He skips and jumps ♪ 814 01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:32,711 ♪ He likes to press wild flowers ♪ 815 01:00:32,920 --> 01:00:38,258 ♪ He puts on women's clothing And hangs around in bars ♪ 816 01:00:38,468 --> 01:00:40,761 ♪ He's a lumberjack and he's okay ♪ 817 01:00:40,970 --> 01:00:43,430 ♪ He sleeps all night and he works all day ♪ 818 01:00:43,681 --> 01:00:46,266 ♪ I cut down trees I wear high heels ♪ 819 01:00:46,476 --> 01:00:48,852 ♪ Suspenders and a bra ♪ 820 01:00:49,062 --> 01:00:54,232 ♪ I wish I'd been a girly Just like my dear papa ♪ 821 01:00:54,442 --> 01:00:57,069 ♪ He cuts down trees, he wears high heels ♪ 822 01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:59,780 ♪ Suspenders and a bra ♪ 823 01:00:59,989 --> 01:01:05,410 ♪ I wish I'd been a girly Just like my dear papa ♪ 824 01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:11,875 Oh, Bevis! And I thought you were so butch! 825 01:01:12,335 --> 01:01:15,295 [MEN YELLING] 826 01:01:24,472 --> 01:01:26,431 And now for something completely different. 827 01:01:34,857 --> 01:01:37,234 Hello, darling, sorry I'm so late. That's all right, darling. 828 01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:41,363 I'm 20 minutes late myself. Let's not start worrying about that yet. 829 01:01:41,572 --> 01:01:43,865 It's nice here, isn't it? Oh, yes. It's a very good restaurant. 830 01:01:44,075 --> 01:01:45,325 Five stars, you know. Oh, really? 831 01:01:45,535 --> 01:01:47,703 Oh, yes. Terrific reputation. Good evening, madame. 832 01:01:47,912 --> 01:01:49,496 Good evening. Good evening, sir. 833 01:01:49,706 --> 01:01:50,706 Fine, thank you. 834 01:01:50,915 --> 01:01:53,417 May I say, what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir. 835 01:01:53,626 --> 01:01:57,212 Thank you. Apparently, the Bœuf en Croûte is fantastic. 836 01:01:57,422 --> 01:02:00,090 If I may recommend, sir, the Faisan à la Reine. 837 01:02:00,299 --> 01:02:03,593 The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations. 838 01:02:03,803 --> 01:02:05,387 That sounds very good. Sounds lovely. 839 01:02:05,596 --> 01:02:09,808 Anyway, darling, have a look at the menu. See what you want. Take your time. 840 01:02:10,017 --> 01:02:14,229 By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you get me another one, please? Thank you. 841 01:02:14,439 --> 01:02:15,772 I beg your pardon? 842 01:02:15,982 --> 01:02:18,567 I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you get me another one, please? 843 01:02:18,776 --> 01:02:20,694 Oh, sir, I do apologise. 844 01:02:20,903 --> 01:02:22,237 No need to apologise. It doesn't worry me. 845 01:02:22,447 --> 01:02:24,656 Oh, no, I do apologise, sir. 846 01:02:24,866 --> 01:02:27,492 I will fetch the headwaiter immédiatement. 847 01:02:27,702 --> 01:02:29,578 No, no, please. No need to do that. 848 01:02:29,787 --> 01:02:32,414 No, no. I feel sure the headwaiter, 849 01:02:32,623 --> 01:02:35,876 he will want to apologise to you himself, personally. 850 01:02:36,085 --> 01:02:40,756 I cannot think how this has happened. I will fetch him at once. 851 01:02:41,382 --> 01:02:43,925 Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you? 852 01:02:44,135 --> 01:02:46,052 Yes, they really look after you here. 853 01:02:46,262 --> 01:02:48,722 WOMAN: It all looks delicious. 854 01:02:50,183 --> 01:02:53,393 Excuse me, sir and madame. 855 01:02:54,103 --> 01:02:56,188 This is filthy. Who the hell washed it up? 856 01:02:56,397 --> 01:02:59,274 Giuseppe, find out who washed this up and give them their cards immediately. 857 01:02:59,484 --> 01:03:02,152 No, no, I tell you, we can't afford to take any chances! 858 01:03:02,361 --> 01:03:06,364 Sack the entire washing-up staff! Please, I don't want to cause any trouble. 859 01:03:06,574 --> 01:03:10,368 No, please. It's quite right that you bring this sort of thing to our attention. 860 01:03:10,578 --> 01:03:13,955 Giuseppe! Ring the manager and tell him what has happened immediately! 861 01:03:14,165 --> 01:03:17,334 Please. I don't want to make any fuss. Please. There's no fuss. 862 01:03:17,543 --> 01:03:20,837 We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete 863 01:03:21,088 --> 01:03:22,214 enjoyment of the meal. 864 01:03:22,423 --> 01:03:25,425 Well, I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork. 865 01:03:25,635 --> 01:03:31,640 I know, and I'm sorry. Bitterly sorry. But I know that nothing I can 866 01:03:31,849 --> 01:03:35,060 say can alter the fact that in this restaurant, 867 01:03:35,269 --> 01:03:39,815 you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery. 868 01:03:40,024 --> 01:03:43,568 It wasn't smelly. It is smelly and obscene and disgusting. 869 01:03:43,778 --> 01:03:45,445 And I hate it, I hate it! That's enough, Gilberto! 870 01:03:45,655 --> 01:03:47,239 Dirty, nasty. Gilberto! 871 01:03:50,201 --> 01:03:52,202 Good evening, sir. Good evening, madame. 872 01:03:52,411 --> 01:03:57,415 I'm the manager, and I've only just heard what's happened. May I sit down? 873 01:03:57,625 --> 01:03:59,918 Yes, yes, of course. 874 01:04:01,712 --> 01:04:08,134 I want to apologise humbly, deeply and sincerely about the fork. 875 01:04:08,344 --> 01:04:11,972 No, no, really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt. I mean, you could hardly see it anyway. 876 01:04:12,181 --> 01:04:16,893 Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that. 877 01:04:17,103 --> 01:04:23,525 But I can see it. To me, it's like a boulder. A vast bowl of pus. 878 01:04:24,569 --> 01:04:25,861 Oh, it's not that bad. 879 01:04:26,070 --> 01:04:32,534 No! It gets me here. I can't give you any excuses. There are no excuses. 880 01:04:32,743 --> 01:04:36,037 I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant, but I haven't been 881 01:04:36,247 --> 01:04:40,292 too well recently, and things have been going very badly back there. 882 01:04:40,501 --> 01:04:43,044 Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple, who prepares the salad, 883 01:04:43,296 --> 01:04:45,672 can hardly move her poor swollen fingers. 884 01:04:45,882 --> 01:04:49,384 And then, of course, there's Gilberto's war wound. 885 01:04:49,594 --> 01:04:52,512 But they're good people, and they're fine people. 886 01:04:52,722 --> 01:04:56,099 And together, we were beginning to get over this bad patch. 887 01:04:56,309 --> 01:04:59,644 There was light at the end of the tunnel, 888 01:04:59,854 --> 01:05:05,025 when this... When this happened! 889 01:05:05,234 --> 01:05:09,362 Can I get you some water? It's the end of the road! 890 01:05:11,991 --> 01:05:14,534 You bastards! 891 01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:15,785 You mean us? 892 01:05:15,995 --> 01:05:20,624 You vicious, heartless bastards! 893 01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:23,335 Look what you've done to him! 894 01:05:23,544 --> 01:05:27,756 He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is, 895 01:05:27,965 --> 01:05:34,596 and you come in here with your petty, vicious, heartless quibbling 896 01:05:34,805 --> 01:05:39,142 and you grind him into the dirt! 897 01:05:40,770 --> 01:05:47,275 This fine, honourable man, whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. 898 01:05:50,529 --> 01:05:55,116 Oh, it makes me mad! 899 01:05:57,244 --> 01:06:00,789 [GROANS] 900 01:06:03,334 --> 01:06:05,210 Easy, Mungo. Easy! 901 01:06:05,419 --> 01:06:08,380 Stark staring mad! 902 01:06:08,589 --> 01:06:11,341 No, Mungo! Oh, the wound. 903 01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:14,135 They've destroyed him! 904 01:06:14,345 --> 01:06:18,682 It's the end! The end! 905 01:06:19,100 --> 01:06:21,309 He's dead! 906 01:06:21,519 --> 01:06:26,022 They killed him! Revenge! 907 01:06:26,232 --> 01:06:27,774 Revenge! 908 01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:33,738 No, Mungo! Never kill a customer! Oh, the wound again! 909 01:06:42,540 --> 01:06:44,791 Lucky I didn't tell him about the dirty knife. 910 01:06:50,256 --> 01:06:52,799 [♪♪♪] 911 01:06:56,220 --> 01:07:00,432 [♪ FLUTE PLAYS ♪] 912 01:07:13,904 --> 01:07:15,905 [ENGINE ROARS] 913 01:07:23,164 --> 01:07:24,789 [CLEARS THROAT] 914 01:07:25,291 --> 01:07:27,333 Good morning, I am a bank robber. 915 01:07:27,543 --> 01:07:30,545 Please don't panic, just hand over all the money. 916 01:07:30,755 --> 01:07:33,339 This is a lingerie shop, sir. 917 01:07:38,095 --> 01:07:41,973 Fine, fine. Um... 918 01:07:43,601 --> 01:07:46,061 Adopt, adapt and improve. 919 01:07:47,938 --> 01:07:49,105 Well, what have you got? 920 01:07:49,315 --> 01:07:52,025 We've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts, tights, 921 01:07:52,234 --> 01:07:55,695 bras, slips, petticoats, knickers, socks and garters, sir. 922 01:07:55,905 --> 01:07:58,448 Fine, fine, fine. 923 01:08:00,701 --> 01:08:02,744 No large quantities of money in safes? 924 01:08:02,953 --> 01:08:05,580 No, sir. 925 01:08:05,790 --> 01:08:11,503 No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags? No, sir. 926 01:08:11,712 --> 01:08:14,297 Fine, fine. 927 01:08:19,220 --> 01:08:21,304 [SIGHS] 928 01:08:23,516 --> 01:08:25,391 Well, just a pair of panties, then, please. 929 01:08:35,236 --> 01:08:37,487 And now for something completely different. 930 01:08:42,618 --> 01:08:45,995 Hey, did you see that? 931 01:08:46,205 --> 01:08:47,205 Hm? 932 01:08:47,414 --> 01:08:50,875 Did you see something go past the window? 933 01:08:51,085 --> 01:08:52,794 What? Somebody just went past 934 01:08:53,003 --> 01:08:55,213 that window, downwards. 935 01:08:55,422 --> 01:08:58,466 Oh. Oh. 936 01:09:00,010 --> 01:09:02,095 Another one! 937 01:09:02,888 --> 01:09:03,888 Hm? 938 01:09:04,098 --> 01:09:06,307 Another one just went past, downwards. 939 01:09:07,601 --> 01:09:08,768 What? 940 01:09:08,978 --> 01:09:11,271 Two people have just fallen past that window. 941 01:09:12,940 --> 01:09:14,440 Fine, fine. 942 01:09:14,650 --> 01:09:19,821 Look, two people, three people have just fallen past that window. 943 01:09:22,074 --> 01:09:23,992 Must be a board meeting. 944 01:09:24,201 --> 01:09:25,994 Oh, yeah. 945 01:09:26,620 --> 01:09:28,913 That was Wilkins of finance. 946 01:09:29,123 --> 01:09:30,540 No, that was Robertson. 947 01:09:30,749 --> 01:09:32,542 Wilkins. 948 01:09:32,751 --> 01:09:34,419 It was Robertson. Wilkins. 949 01:09:34,628 --> 01:09:36,588 It was Robertson. 950 01:09:36,797 --> 01:09:39,591 That was Wilkins. Oh, yeah. 951 01:09:39,800 --> 01:09:41,509 It'll be Parkinson next. 952 01:09:41,719 --> 01:09:43,136 Bet you it won't. 953 01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:45,180 How much? 954 01:09:45,681 --> 01:09:48,308 What? How much do you bet it won't? 955 01:09:48,517 --> 01:09:50,685 Fiver? Yeah, all right. 956 01:09:50,895 --> 01:09:52,896 Right, done. You're on. 957 01:09:53,105 --> 01:09:55,273 Parkinson next. 958 01:09:57,776 --> 01:09:59,110 Come on, Parky! 959 01:09:59,320 --> 01:10:01,196 Don't be silly, Parky! Come on, Parky! 960 01:10:01,405 --> 01:10:03,364 Don't be stupid, man. Come on, lad, jump! 961 01:10:03,574 --> 01:10:06,492 MAN: Dear sir, I would like to complain about that last scene 962 01:10:06,744 --> 01:10:09,078 about people falling out of high buildings. 963 01:10:09,288 --> 01:10:15,168 I myself have worked all my life in such a building and have never once... 964 01:10:15,377 --> 01:10:17,378 [SCREAMS] 965 01:10:20,716 --> 01:10:22,675 [♪♪♪] 966 01:10:23,510 --> 01:10:25,803 [MUTTERING] 967 01:10:55,459 --> 01:10:59,545 [SNORING] 968 01:11:08,764 --> 01:11:10,765 [ALARM SOUNDS] 969 01:11:11,183 --> 01:11:13,434 [♪♪♪] 970 01:11:22,403 --> 01:11:25,029 [MUTTERING] 971 01:11:25,239 --> 01:11:27,824 MAN: Psst. All clear. 972 01:11:29,952 --> 01:11:32,412 [MUMBLING] 973 01:11:36,834 --> 01:11:48,761 ♪ Vocational guidance counsellor ♪ 974 01:11:51,348 --> 01:11:54,600 MAN: Ah, Mr. Anchovy. 975 01:11:54,810 --> 01:11:56,811 Do sit down. Thank you. 976 01:11:57,021 --> 01:12:00,648 Takes the weight off the feet, eh? Yes. 977 01:12:00,858 --> 01:12:02,734 Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say. 978 01:12:02,943 --> 01:12:04,235 Enough of this gay banter. 979 01:12:04,445 --> 01:12:08,865 Now, Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for. 980 01:12:09,074 --> 01:12:11,367 That is correct. Well, I have the results here 981 01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:15,288 of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them 982 01:12:15,497 --> 01:12:19,500 we've built up a pretty clear impression of the sort of person that you are. 983 01:12:19,710 --> 01:12:22,253 And I think I can say without fear of contradiction 984 01:12:22,463 --> 01:12:25,757 that the ideal job for you is accountancy. 985 01:12:25,966 --> 01:12:27,759 But I am an accountant. Jolly good. 986 01:12:27,968 --> 01:12:30,636 Well, back to the office with you, then. 987 01:12:30,846 --> 01:12:32,555 No, no. You don't understand. 988 01:12:32,765 --> 01:12:36,142 I've been an accountant for the last 20 years, but I want a new job. 989 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:38,311 Something exciting that will let me live! 990 01:12:38,520 --> 01:12:40,730 But accountancy is quite exciting, isn't it? 991 01:12:40,939 --> 01:12:46,361 Exciting! No, it's not. It's dull, dull, dull. 992 01:12:46,570 --> 01:12:48,905 My God, it's dull! 993 01:12:49,114 --> 01:12:52,909 It's so deadly dull and tedious and stuffy 994 01:12:53,118 --> 01:12:56,412 and boring and desperately dull. 995 01:12:56,622 --> 01:12:59,165 I can't stand it any longer. I want to live. 996 01:12:59,375 --> 01:13:02,752 Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but you see, in your report here, 997 01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:07,131 it says that you are an extremely dull person. 998 01:13:07,341 --> 01:13:11,636 Our experts describe you as "an appallingly dull fellow, 999 01:13:11,845 --> 01:13:16,391 unimaginative, timid, spineless, easily dominated, 1000 01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:21,437 no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful." 1001 01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:24,565 And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, 1002 01:13:24,817 --> 01:13:26,734 in accountancy, they are a positive boon. 1003 01:13:26,944 --> 01:13:30,738 Yes, but don't you see? I'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to people. 1004 01:13:30,948 --> 01:13:33,199 Can't you help me? 1005 01:13:33,450 --> 01:13:35,785 Well, do you have any idea of what you want to be? 1006 01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:38,496 Yes, yes, I have. What is it? 1007 01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:41,165 A lion tamer! 1008 01:13:43,335 --> 01:13:48,548 Yes. It's a bit of a jump, isn't it? Accountancy to lion taming in one go. 1009 01:13:48,757 --> 01:13:53,219 You don't think to work your way towards lion taming, say, via banking 1010 01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:55,430 or insurance? No, no. I don't want to wait. 1011 01:13:55,639 --> 01:13:58,266 I want to start immediately. Tomorrow morning at 9, 1012 01:13:58,475 --> 01:14:00,309 I want to be in there, taming. 1013 01:14:00,519 --> 01:14:03,729 Yes, but what qualifications do you have? 1014 01:14:03,939 --> 01:14:05,565 I've got a hat. 1015 01:14:05,774 --> 01:14:07,316 A hat? Yes, a lion-taming hat. 1016 01:14:07,526 --> 01:14:11,612 A hat with "lion tamer" written on it. It lights up saying, "lion tamer," in big, red, neon letters 1017 01:14:11,864 --> 01:14:14,657 so you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy. 1018 01:14:14,867 --> 01:14:17,493 I see. During the day, you can switch it off, 1019 01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:20,997 and you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under allowable professional expenses. 1020 01:14:21,206 --> 01:14:22,957 Under Paragraph 335... 1021 01:14:23,167 --> 01:14:27,920 Yes, I follow. But you see, the snag is, if I now call the circus and say to them: 1022 01:14:28,130 --> 01:14:30,423 "Look here, I've got a 45-year-old accountant 1023 01:14:30,632 --> 01:14:32,717 with me who wants to become a lion tamer", 1024 01:14:32,926 --> 01:14:37,013 their first question is not going to be, " Does he have his own hat?" 1025 01:14:37,222 --> 01:14:41,434 They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions. 1026 01:14:41,643 --> 01:14:44,187 Well, I've seen them at the zoo. Good. 1027 01:14:44,396 --> 01:14:49,108 Yes, little, brown, furry creatures with short, stumpy legs and great, long noses. 1028 01:14:49,318 --> 01:14:51,611 I could tame one of those. I don't know what all the fuss is about. 1029 01:14:51,820 --> 01:14:54,280 They look pretty tame to start with. 1030 01:14:54,490 --> 01:14:57,241 And these lions, how high are they? 1031 01:14:57,451 --> 01:15:00,870 Oh, about so high. They don't frighten me at all. 1032 01:15:01,079 --> 01:15:05,708 And do these lions eat ants? Yes, that's right. 1033 01:15:07,002 --> 01:15:11,756 Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater. 1034 01:15:11,965 --> 01:15:15,051 A what? An anteater, not a lion. 1035 01:15:15,260 --> 01:15:19,555 You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast about 10 foot long, 5 foot high, 1036 01:15:19,765 --> 01:15:24,810 with masses of sharp, pointy teeth and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws. 1037 01:15:25,020 --> 01:15:26,854 It looks like this: 1038 01:15:27,064 --> 01:15:28,523 [SCREAMS] 1039 01:15:28,732 --> 01:15:30,900 Now, shall I call the circus? No! 1040 01:15:31,109 --> 01:15:37,490 No. No. I like your idea of making the move to lion taming by easy stages, 1041 01:15:37,699 --> 01:15:40,660 say, via insurance or banking. 1042 01:15:40,869 --> 01:15:43,746 Banking, yes, banking. I see it. It's a man's life, isn't it? 1043 01:15:43,956 --> 01:15:49,669 Travel, excitement, decisions affecting people's lives, romance, thrills. 1044 01:15:49,878 --> 01:15:52,797 I'll put you in touch with a bank. Yes. 1045 01:15:54,341 --> 01:15:58,135 Probably. Probably, you know. I'd like a couple days to think about it, 1046 01:15:58,345 --> 01:15:59,887 because it is a big decision. 1047 01:16:00,097 --> 01:16:02,557 Or maybe a week at most, you know, but I do want 1048 01:16:02,766 --> 01:16:06,561 to make this decision to be the right one. I'd like to do banking, obviously, but... 1049 01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:10,982 It's sad, isn't it? But this is what accountancy does to people. 1050 01:16:11,191 --> 01:16:14,986 The only way we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease... 1051 01:16:15,195 --> 01:16:18,406 I only want to be famous! I only want to see my name in lights! 1052 01:16:18,615 --> 01:16:21,659 And so you shall. 1053 01:16:29,042 --> 01:16:30,751 MAN: Cue. 1054 01:16:31,461 --> 01:16:33,671 [♪♪♪] 1055 01:16:36,883 --> 01:16:39,093 Hello, good evening and welcome to Blackmail. 1056 01:16:39,303 --> 01:16:42,555 To start tonight's program, we go north to Preston 1057 01:16:42,806 --> 01:16:45,141 in Lancashire and Mrs. Betty Teal. 1058 01:16:46,852 --> 01:16:48,185 Hello, Mrs. Teal. 1059 01:16:48,395 --> 01:16:52,607 Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for £15, and it's to stop us from revealing 1060 01:16:52,816 --> 01:16:55,192 the name of your lover in Bolton. 1061 01:16:55,402 --> 01:16:59,655 So, Mrs. Teal, send us £15 by return of post please, and your husband Trevor 1062 01:16:59,865 --> 01:17:03,326 and your lovely children, Diane, Janice and Julian, need never know 1063 01:17:03,535 --> 01:17:07,079 the name of your lover in Bolton. 1064 01:17:12,753 --> 01:17:17,590 And now a letter, a series of photographs and a hotel registration book 1065 01:17:17,799 --> 01:17:21,302 which could add up to divorce, premature retirement and possible 1066 01:17:21,553 --> 01:17:24,555 criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. 1067 01:17:24,765 --> 01:17:26,682 He's a Freemason and a conservative MP. 1068 01:17:26,892 --> 01:17:30,603 So, Mr. S of Bromsgrove, that's £3000, please, 1069 01:17:30,812 --> 01:17:34,940 to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved, 1070 01:17:35,150 --> 01:17:37,443 the youth organization to which they belong, 1071 01:17:37,694 --> 01:17:39,945 and the shop where you bought the equipment. 1072 01:17:47,704 --> 01:17:51,332 Well, we'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the program, 1073 01:17:51,541 --> 01:17:54,710 unless we hear from Charles or Michael. 1074 01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:56,962 Now it's time for our Stop the Film spot. 1075 01:17:58,382 --> 01:18:01,592 The rules are simple. We have taken a film which contains compromising 1076 01:18:01,802 --> 01:18:05,930 scenes and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. 1077 01:18:06,139 --> 01:18:09,308 But the victim may phone me at any time and stop the film. 1078 01:18:09,518 --> 01:18:12,520 But don't forget, the money increases as the film goes on. 1079 01:18:12,729 --> 01:18:15,523 So the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay. 1080 01:18:15,732 --> 01:18:20,486 So with the clock at £300, this week's Stop the Film visited Stansted. 1081 01:18:20,904 --> 01:18:22,988 [♪♪♪] 1082 01:19:13,623 --> 01:19:15,458 He's a very brave man. 1083 01:19:20,714 --> 01:19:21,964 [PHONE RINGS] 1084 01:19:22,215 --> 01:19:26,427 No, sir. No. I'm sure you didn't, sir. 1085 01:19:26,636 --> 01:19:30,055 No, that's all right. We don't morally censure. We just want the money. 1086 01:19:30,265 --> 01:19:32,516 And here's the address to send it to. 1087 01:19:37,063 --> 01:19:40,357 Thank you, sir. 1088 01:19:41,735 --> 01:19:46,822 Ah, there you are. Well, that's quite enough of that. 1089 01:19:47,032 --> 01:19:49,074 And now... 1090 01:19:51,953 --> 01:19:56,874 "A local civic group re-enacts a famous scene from history. 1091 01:19:57,083 --> 01:20:01,337 This week, the Townswomen's Guild of Sheffield in Yorkshire." 1092 01:20:01,546 --> 01:20:03,422 MAN: Miss Rita Fairbanks, you organised 1093 01:20:03,673 --> 01:20:06,801 this representation of the Battle of Pearl Harbour. Why? 1094 01:20:07,010 --> 01:20:10,930 Well, we've always been extremely interested in modern works. 1095 01:20:11,139 --> 01:20:15,601 We were the first Townswomen's Guild to perform Camp on Blood Island. 1096 01:20:15,811 --> 01:20:18,938 And, of course, last year we did our extremely popular 1097 01:20:19,189 --> 01:20:21,357 re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities. 1098 01:20:21,566 --> 01:20:24,652 So this year, we thought we'd do something in a much lighter vein. 1099 01:20:24,861 --> 01:20:28,739 MAN: I can see you're all ready to go, so I'll wish you luck in your latest venture, 1100 01:20:28,949 --> 01:20:30,366 the Battle of Pearl Harbour. 1101 01:20:30,575 --> 01:20:33,577 Thank you very much indeed, young man. 1102 01:20:33,787 --> 01:20:35,204 [WHISTLE BLOWS] 1103 01:20:35,956 --> 01:20:37,915 [YELLING] 1104 01:20:56,476 --> 01:20:59,061 [MOANING] 1105 01:21:02,649 --> 01:21:05,109 Brian! Oh, Elspeth! 1106 01:21:06,570 --> 01:21:11,031 Oh, Brian! Oh, Elspeth. 1107 01:21:11,324 --> 01:21:14,785 Oh, Brian. Oh, Elspeth. 1108 01:21:15,662 --> 01:21:19,290 Be gentle with me. 1109 01:21:19,666 --> 01:21:21,792 [♪♪♪] 1110 01:21:51,489 --> 01:21:54,658 Oh, Brian! Are you going to do anything, or are you just going to 1111 01:21:54,868 --> 01:21:57,786 show me films all evening? Just one more, dear. 1112 01:22:02,709 --> 01:22:04,835 [♪♪♪] 1113 01:22:09,090 --> 01:22:11,592 ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon and welcome to Banby Park. 1114 01:22:11,801 --> 01:22:15,596 You join us as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely 1115 01:22:15,847 --> 01:22:19,558 winter's afternoon, with the going firm underfoot and little sign of rain. 1116 01:22:19,768 --> 01:22:23,479 And it looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon sport, on this 1117 01:22:23,688 --> 01:22:26,231 127th Upper-Class Twit of the Year show. 1118 01:22:26,441 --> 01:22:30,110 And there's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action. 1119 01:22:30,320 --> 01:22:33,989 Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith. He's in the Grenadier Guards and he can count up to four. 1120 01:22:34,199 --> 01:22:36,492 Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris. He's an old Etonian, 1121 01:22:36,743 --> 01:22:38,786 and married to a very attractive table lamp. 1122 01:22:38,995 --> 01:22:41,538 Nigel Incubator-Jones. His best friend is a tree, 1123 01:22:41,790 --> 01:22:44,083 and in his spare time, he's a stockbroker. 1124 01:22:44,292 --> 01:22:46,585 Gervaise Brook-Hamster. He's in the wine trade, 1125 01:22:46,836 --> 01:22:49,296 and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. 1126 01:22:49,506 --> 01:22:52,383 And finally, Oliver St. John Mollest, another old Etonian. 1127 01:22:52,592 --> 01:22:55,552 His father was Cabinet minister, and his mother won the derby, 1128 01:22:55,804 --> 01:22:58,389 and he's thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. 1129 01:22:58,598 --> 01:23:01,892 Now the twits are moving up to the starting line, and any moment now, 1130 01:23:02,143 --> 01:23:04,019 they'll be under starter's orders. 1131 01:23:04,229 --> 01:23:07,690 I'm afraid they're facing the wrong way at the moment, but the starter will soon sort this out. 1132 01:23:07,899 --> 01:23:10,275 And any moment now, they're going to have the big off. 1133 01:23:10,485 --> 01:23:12,695 This is always a tense moment... 1134 01:23:12,904 --> 01:23:13,904 [GUN FIRES] 1135 01:23:14,114 --> 01:23:15,364 And they're off! 1136 01:23:15,573 --> 01:23:18,784 No, no, they're not. They didn't realise they had to start when the gun went. 1137 01:23:18,994 --> 01:23:20,661 Never mind, I think the starter's explained to them now. 1138 01:23:20,870 --> 01:23:24,832 Yes, several of them are beginning to point, and they're off again. 1139 01:23:25,041 --> 01:23:28,335 This time, yes, a really fast start. It's Vivien going straight to the lead. 1140 01:23:28,545 --> 01:23:32,673 Oliver is running round wide to the right. Where's he going? There he is. And to the left, picking up the line. 1141 01:23:32,882 --> 01:23:36,260 There we are and into the first event, which is Walking Along the Straight Line. 1142 01:23:36,469 --> 01:23:38,679 The twits have to walk along these lines without falling over. 1143 01:23:38,888 --> 01:23:41,223 This is Oliver's worst event. He's having a little trouble in the back. 1144 01:23:41,433 --> 01:23:44,351 Simon's coming through fast. Nigel's coming through. Vivien. And now Oliver's over. 1145 01:23:44,602 --> 01:23:47,062 Oliver's over at the back. Never mind. He'll get up and have another go. 1146 01:23:47,272 --> 01:23:50,232 He's a great fighter, this lad. He's having... Oh, dear. Never mind. 1147 01:23:50,442 --> 01:23:52,067 We're coming to the second event, the Matchbox Jump. 1148 01:23:52,277 --> 01:23:54,403 Two rows of matchboxes for the twits to clear. 1149 01:23:54,612 --> 01:23:57,781 Nigel's over, and Simon's over. A wonderful jump! And Vivien... 1150 01:23:57,991 --> 01:23:59,033 Vivien has refused! 1151 01:23:59,242 --> 01:24:01,201 And now it's Kicking the Beggar. 1152 01:24:01,411 --> 01:24:03,162 And Nigel to put the brogue in there. 1153 01:24:03,371 --> 01:24:07,082 Beautifully placed. Another one and the beggar is down, and the crowd loves that. 1154 01:24:07,292 --> 01:24:09,668 Here, it's Oliver. He hasn't cleared the jump yet. 1155 01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,962 He's having a little trouble with the old brain problem. 1156 01:24:12,172 --> 01:24:15,424 If only his father understood. Now it's Running Over the Old Lady. 1157 01:24:15,633 --> 01:24:18,510 It's Simon in the lead, and he's got her right in the midriff. 1158 01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:20,763 Accelerating forward now. Back to Oliver. 1159 01:24:20,972 --> 01:24:22,431 Oh, he's magnificent, this man. 1160 01:24:22,640 --> 01:24:24,892 He doesn't know when he's beaten. He doesn't know when he's winning. 1161 01:24:25,101 --> 01:24:29,396 He has no sort of sensory apparatus known to man. Sad. Good luck, Oliver. 1162 01:24:29,606 --> 01:24:32,149 Now it's Waking the Neighbour. Simon's there at the front of the field, 1163 01:24:32,358 --> 01:24:34,693 and he's slamming that door, and he's woken the neighbour. 1164 01:24:34,903 --> 01:24:38,989 Simon moves clearly into first place, and the crowd is really excited at this moment. 1165 01:24:39,199 --> 01:24:40,824 And now it's Shooting the Rabbit. 1166 01:24:41,034 --> 01:24:44,703 These rabbits have been carefully spaced out on the ground so that they can't move around too much. 1167 01:24:44,913 --> 01:24:48,207 And this is only a one-day event. 1168 01:24:48,416 --> 01:24:52,002 There's a bit of mist there, which I think is causing the twits a bit of trouble. 1169 01:24:52,212 --> 01:24:54,338 And Gervaise is using the butt of his rifle, 1170 01:24:54,547 --> 01:24:57,508 and Vivien's going with a fist, and Gervaise is first away... 1171 01:24:57,717 --> 01:25:01,845 And Oliver has run himself over. What a great twit. 1172 01:25:02,055 --> 01:25:05,599 And now it's Taking the Bras Off the Debutantes from the Back. 1173 01:25:05,809 --> 01:25:08,685 This is a particularly difficult event for most of the twits. 1174 01:25:08,895 --> 01:25:12,064 One of the ones that takes the most time on this extremely exacting course. 1175 01:25:12,273 --> 01:25:16,443 And the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too. 1176 01:25:16,653 --> 01:25:20,572 And it's Simon. It's Simon into the lead, closely followed by Nigel. 1177 01:25:20,782 --> 01:25:24,701 And it's the final event now. They have to shoot themselves if they can. 1178 01:25:24,911 --> 01:25:27,371 Upper-Class Twit of the Year. Simon can't get the bra off his finger. 1179 01:25:27,580 --> 01:25:31,625 It's Nigel there. Nigel misses. Simon misses. 1180 01:25:31,835 --> 01:25:34,586 Nigel misses again, and Gervaise has shot himself. 1181 01:25:34,796 --> 01:25:37,631 Gervaise is Upper-Class Twit of the Year. 1182 01:25:37,841 --> 01:25:39,925 Vivien is there. He's not having any of that. 1183 01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:43,303 Simon shoots. Simon has shot Vivien! 1184 01:25:43,513 --> 01:25:47,683 Simon has shot Vivien into second place, and Simon shoots himself. 1185 01:25:47,892 --> 01:25:52,646 Simon is third, and Nigel... Nigel clubs himself into fourth place. 1186 01:25:52,856 --> 01:25:54,356 And so the final result. 1187 01:25:54,566 --> 01:25:56,650 First and Upper-Class Twit of the Year: 1188 01:25:56,860 --> 01:25:58,777 Gervaise Brook-Hamster of Kensington. 1189 01:25:58,987 --> 01:26:01,488 Runner-up, Vivien Smith-Smythe-Smith of Mayfair, 1190 01:26:01,698 --> 01:26:04,449 and third, Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris of Kensington. 1191 01:26:04,659 --> 01:26:07,327 Well, there will certainly be some car-door slamming 1192 01:26:07,537 --> 01:26:09,830 in the streets of Kensington tonight. 1193 01:26:11,374 --> 01:26:12,958 [♪♪♪] 1194 01:26:40,445 --> 01:26:42,404 [CHICKEN CLUCKING] 1195 01:26:52,332 --> 01:26:53,957 [BELL RINGS] 1196 01:26:54,334 --> 01:26:55,751 [♪♪♪] 1197 01:27:13,895 --> 01:27:15,646 [FARTING] 1198 01:27:16,105 --> 01:27:18,106 [LAUGHING] 1199 01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,820 [♪♪♪] 1200 01:27:35,333 --> 01:27:38,043 [ENGINE ROARS] 1201 01:27:48,221 --> 01:27:50,138 [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING] 1202 01:28:02,527 --> 01:28:03,944 [PIG SNORTS] 1203 01:28:04,320 --> 01:28:06,446 [♪♪♪] 1204 01:28:07,740 --> 01:28:08,865 [FARTING] 1205 01:28:15,999 --> 01:28:16,999 Subtitles by: SDI Media Group