'A little-known section of the east/west border -
what I call "ulcer country".
Waiting on our side was John cavendish, British intelligence.
And me, Joe pfeiffer, us intelligence.
Although we're working together on this, cavendish doesn't trust me.
And it's a sure thing I don't trust him.
The reason for this operation is Felix meadowes -
the hottest and highest-paid freelance spy in the business.
For all the western allies, a very important guy.
It took months of tough negotiations to arrange this exchange,
until finally we handed over one of their key agents.
The exchange was scheduled top secret.
But when two of Felix's friends showed up, I began to wonder.
This should have been a simple, routine operation.
But the way my ulcer was playing up,
I knew sure as hell something was going to get fouled up.'
I've retired.
Of course, dear boy, you've been through a great deal.
But just a few routine questions, what?
We jointly set up the exchange. That gives us certain rights.
I'm back in the free world. That gives me certain rights.
Felix! Come back!
You double-crossing louse!
Thank you, my darling. You did brilliantly.
Hiring a gunman to create a diversion was a master stroke.
But we didn't hire any gunman. Then who was he?
No idea. Then someone really tried to kill me.
So he missed it and you're free.
And now we take a devious route to Switzerland...
Where we collect your memoirs manuscript...
Write the final chapter... And sell it to the highest bidder.
I see. Future all planned.
Keep quite still, my darlings.
If I seem ungrateful, I can only tell you
this hurts you more than I can say.
Brett, are you alone?
Who the devil's that?
Last time I saw you, you were trying to blow up the headmaster's car.
Felix meadowes!
I thought you were dead. Or gone to Australia.
What the devil have you been up to? Oh, this and that. Government work.
If it's not a rude question, how did you get in here?
Same method we had for getting in to the school tuck shop.
Say what you will about harrow but they gave us a fully comprehensive education.
Perhaps I'd better explain.
We'll have a drink first and then I'll decide whether I'm going to throw you out or let you stay.
I'm sorry, Brett, I should have waited outside.
I wouldn't want to draw attention to my coming here.
There's a chance that I was being followed.
Why don't you take your coat off and tell me what it's all about?
I'm in trouble, Brett.
Money trouble? Woman trouble.
Oh.
Well, if you're going to have trouble, that's the sort to have.
Not when it means headlines and a messy divorce.
The civil service doesn't approve.
I need your help, Brett.
For old times' sake.
That's got to be him, standing over there. That's got to be him.
Mr pfeiffer? Mr wilde.
Right on time. Nice to meet you.
They called me from the embassy. Yeah, telephone call.
We have to be a bit discreet, you understand.
This should explain.
Us intelligence.
Yeah, that's you, all right. Now, what can I do for you?
Well, what I have to say, mr wilde, is highly confidential
and we can talk freely out here. Treat it that way.
In our electronic age, mr wilde, walls have ears.
Wide open spaces can't be bugged.
Now, you're in a special position to help us. Am I?
Now, take a long look at that picture.
A man called Felix meadowes. An agent.
For the past ten years, he's spied for the English and for us
the Germans, the French and probably the Russians.
He was pretty busy, wasn't he? I can sleep better without him.
So, what can I do for you? His memoirs.
Memoirs? Yes, you know how some guys have to write everything down?
'The codenames, the dates, the documents - everything.'
'i can see it's embarrassing.' 'Embarrassing? It's dynamite!'
it'll blow every agent and every power in NATO and sito...
Just don't get so nervous. Just don't let him publish it.
That's not the point. I want uncle Sam to have those memoirs.
That's where you come in.
I'm not interested.
Mr wilde, let me ask you something. What?
How well do you know lord sinclair?
I know him pretty good. Is he involved in this?
He's been recruited by the British.
To do the same thing you're asking me to do? That's right.
You mean we'd be pitted up against each other?
That's right.
He's my best friend. I mean...
..I'll do it.
Hup!
Felix, a spy? I'm not surprised.
He's blown now, of course.
No further use for him, but it's these confounded memoirs.
Oh, he wants to sell them to the highest bidder.
Wouldn't you? Yes.
Just one moment, gentlemen.
Surely he's bound by the official secrets act.
Not if he sells to another government and skips the country.
Whoever gets them could blackmail us forever. We'd have to recall our entire espionage network.
All our spies. Thousands of them. Made redundant.
I did suggest shooting him, of course,
but sir Charles thought that wouldn't be cricket.
Quite so, cavendish.
We are English, you know.
Felix said he had to get out of London for a while.
Woman trouble.
I have a cousin who's away at the moment, has a place in berkshire,
so I sent Felix down for the weekend. We know.
Thought you could approach him on the old school tie basis.
Can't dragoon you, dear boy. You can say no.
Oh, really, sir Charles?
Well, in that case -
but you'd be letting the side down. You'd be letting england down.
If this gets into the newspapers, there'll be the most almighty stink.
We should have to admit approaching
a peer of the realm who refused to help.
Very nasty, that would look in print. Mm.
Mm. Needless to say, you confide in no-one.
This is completely top secret, what?
So why not amble down to berkshire and buy the memoirs? Nothing to it.
Very pleasant, they tell me,
this time of the year.
Master Brett! Chivers.
My word, you are looking fit.
We've had our problems, master Brett.
Really? What's happened? The boiler blew up,
there's woodworm in the Butler's pantry,
the chimney on the south wing is leaning.
Same as usual, in fact. Nothing else?
My chest plays me up in the morning.
I've called a plumber.
Good idea, get a new set of pipes.
And a new flue, I shouldn't wonder. These modern boilers, always going wrong.
Has mr meadows settled in? I put him in the west wing, sir.
The other gentleman is in the regency room.
Like the old days, sir.
People down for the weekend.
Er, what other gentleman, chivers?
Oh, all right, a glass of lemonade would be splendid, chivers.
Very good, m'lord.
(Whistles) Hello.
Welcome, good knight.
Does thou bring thy sword to aid the king.
Daniel, what on earth are you doing here? How did you know it was me?
I'm here because you invited me.
I did? Yes, you did.
When did I invite you? When did you invite me?
Yes. How many times have you said to me,
"why don't you come on out and spend the weekend with me?"
You must have said it 100 times.
I finally show up, so here I am. Any reason for this particular weekend?
What reason do I need? I'm your friend, right?
Of course you are. Ok, then I'm here to see your incestural home.
Ancestral. Ancestral home. Any objections?
None at all. I'm always delighted to see you. Then I'll stay.
Then would you kindly put that sword down? Right, of course.
Uh, thank you, chivers. Where's mr meadowes?
I believe he went for a walk in the woods, sir?
Er, you know Felix meadowes, Daniel?
No, chivers told me about him. Old school friend of yours.
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Can't wait to meet him.
I tell you what, I'll go and look for him. I'll come along.
You might want to try for a pheasant. I'll get the gun.
Thank you, chivers. A good idea.
You still shoot peasants around here, huh?
(Branch cracks)
I'll tell you what, Daniel.
I'll go in the woods and look for Felix.
You stay here. Um, why can't we both go?
Well, if I put up a pheasant, he'll run this way.
You'll have a chance at a shot.
Good thinking. I'll see you later.
Felix!
(Gunshot)
Save me a pheasant! Felix!
Brett, keep down! I am down!
Ow! (Groans)
Brett! Don't move!
Don't move. You...
Taxi!
This is very pleasant, but not entirely a surprise.
You were expecting us, mr cavendish?
Sooner or later, yes.
Have you been in touch with Felix?
Indirectly.
Oh, don't be so cagey. We can help you.
On what conditions? One condition.
The right price for the memoirs.
Let's say we're Felix's agents. To see that he doesn't get cheated.
Oh, that's good, that. I like that.
I'm glad we amuse you. So, let's start talking business.
By all means. This chance meeting has made my day.
Make mine, guv'nor, and tell me where you want to go.
Oh, round and round the park till I tell you to stop?
Huh?
Won't you eat something, mr pfeiffer?
No, I've got an ulcer.
What's the deal?
Felix wants you to have his memoirs.
How much? He said you'd understand.
One million American dollars.
He's kidding, of course.
Oh, no.
Look, I haven't got the authority to lay out that kind of dough.
I'll have to call Washington.
They're not gonna like this.
Oh, we're not out to make friends.
Only to find customers.
We'll wait for your answer, of course, before we approach anyone else.
Excuse me.
You are a superb liar, darling.
Oh, thank you. The important thing about lying
is always to be absolutely sincere.
Felix taught me that.
Yes, he's always been a great help to both of us.
How much is a million dollars in roubles?
Er... I'll have to work it out.
Russian embassy? Hello, colonel Ivanov, please.
No, no message.
Still not available?
(Door closes)
Felix! You feeling better?
Yeah, just the guy I wanted to see.
Listen, have you got a minute. Yes.
Would you scratch my back for me, right in the middle?
Like that? That's good? Usa, eh?
Yeah, I... Brett: Oh, there you are.
Felix, you have a drink getting warm.
Daniel, why are you standing around
like ladies' night in a Turkish bath?
(Creaking) What was that?
All right, who's there?
(Open it.) It's your cousin's house. You open it, go on.
What are you afraid of? Just open it.
(Cat meows)
Leo, you're a silly old fat cat.
One of these days you'll get yourself locked in there. Yes, you will.
About this afternoon... Obviously a poacher.
Yes. Well, he showered me with shotgun pellets.
Probably thought I was a game keeper.
Dangerous chap. I fired a shot to warn him off
and you walked bang into the middle of it.
It's funny, but most of the poachers I know of
are never out at that time of the day. Cheers.
What's the matter, Brett? Perhaps he was after your memoirs.
Well, well.
You know, I didn't just drop in for the weekend.
I wondered. So many years spying for all sides
makes one suspicious of everybody. Mm.
What about your friend Danny? Daniel?
Oh, he's not involved. He knows nothing.
If you say so.
Well, shall we make a deal?
One little thing first. Yes?
Who are you working for?
The British, of course. Of course.
How's lord whatshisname?
What is his name? You wouldn't trust your mother, would you?
Least of all. She used to spy for the Egyptians.
Really?
Yes, well, his name is sir Charles Worthington.
Not to forget mr cavendish.
By all means, let's not forget mr cavendish.
Well, Felix, they want your memoirs.
Sole copyright to read and destroy.
At your price.
Just tell me how much.
Half and half? Whisky and soda?
I'll have the same, mm?
(Whistles to himself)
I'm not interrupting anything, am I?
No, no, we were waiting for you. I didn't think I was.
You know, that guy we thought was a poacher...
Well, uh... Maybe... Maybe he wasn't.
Brett seems convinced that he was. Oh, really?
Thinks he knows the villain. No kidding! Who is he?
Well, from the brief description Felix gave me,
I think he's a chap called... Worthington.
Foxy Worthington.
Well-known in the district.
Well, he must be pretty rough. Thank you so much.
I found this out in the forest, in the Glen.
That's a 9mm.
If you ever hit a pheasant with that,
you'd end up with a bag of feathers.
Ah!
Kuchka! Kuchka! Ku, ku, kuchka!
Kitty cat! Kitty! Pretty little kitty! Come on!
Come here, pussy cat! Come here!
Come, pussy!
Capitalist, imperialist little monster!
Well, I think I'm gonna go for a little walk out on the lawn.
It is freezing out.
Oh, get that city smog out of my lungs. It'll be nice. Want to come?
What can I lose?
On second thoughts, why not?
(Phone rings)
The yukes.
Er, good evening.
Yes. Yes, one moment, please.
Mr meadowes, a call for you, sir.
Oh, I'll take it in my room, thank you, chivers.
Ask whoever it is to wait.
Would you hold the line, please? Mr meadowes asks you to wait.
Why don't you go for your walk? I'll wait for Felix.
Didn't you say it was freezing out?
(Meowing)
I'm sorry, sir. Mr meadowes won't be long.
Maybe he got lost.
What with the east wing, west wing, left wing, right wing.
It's a big house. You could get confused.
Yes, I think I'd better go and look for him. Good idea. Right.
Er, chivers, I'll hold that for you.
I'm sure you've got a lot of things to do. Tidy up. It's a big house.
Thank you, sir. Very kind of you. My pleasure. Think nothing of it.
Yes, chivers, thank you.
(English accent) Hello, meadowes here.
Felix, I thought we'd been cut off. Who's this, please?
Benson, of course. Oh, Benson, how are you, Benson?
We want to collect the manuscript tomorrow. I don't think so.
You said you were ready. Well, I'm going to reconsider it.
Look here, Felix, you can't do that! We've got signed contracts!
Birch Avenue, 701? 701, birch Avenue?
This is the overseas operator. I have a call mr meadowes placed with the acme publishing company.
I have them on the line. What? Acme publishing company?
Look here, Felix, what are you up to? Oh, dear!
You sold those rights to me, Felix. I guess I let the cat out the bag.
Toodle-oo, goodbye. What are you doing? Felix!
(Knock on door) Felix?
Felix?
Last duty tonight, sir. Hot water bottles.
Oh, I see. The central heating isn't what it used to be.
Did mr Felix get his call? All right, yes, chivers, thanks a lot.
(Groans)
Very quiet here, nowadays, sir.
Years ago, the house parties...
You never knew what would happen next. (Laughs)
(Muffled) Help! What's that? Somebody hasn't left yet.
Hey! (Brett groans)
Your lordship, what's up? Who is that guy? Huh?
I don't know. You haven't seen a parcel about this size?
Yeah, he had it with him. We've got to get after him.
Why? Would you believe, for queen and country.
Brett, you're not making any sense. I'll explain later.
Felix: (Muffled) Help! Help!
Oh!
Well done, Daniel. I'll take that, you sit on his face.
I'll take that, comrades.
You can tell the British and Americans they've lost this game.
What does he mean the British and Americans?
I was going to ask you that myself.
M'lord, would you care to take this?
My aim isn't what it used to be.
Good chap, chivers.
I think he's Russian.
About 40.
Fairish hair, well built.
Fat. I'm not fat!
Oh? What's his name?
Ivan Alexis Ivanov.
Right, I'll hold on to him until you get down in the morning.
Now, about the memoirs,
I think we may have to share them with the Americans.
Well, they are on our side, aren't they?
Mr cavendish isn't happy about you.
Pfeiffer isn't crazy about you either, kid.
(Clears throat)
Where's Felix?
You rang, m'lord? Yes, chivers, have you seen mr meadowes?
After I untied him, I think he went to lie down.
Thank you, chivers. Good night.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, m'lord.
What are you doing with that? Why?
Pfeiffer says you're not supposed to have it.
It's funny, cavendish said the same about you. Really?
So your reactionary countries don't trust each other. You butt out!
Thank you, Daniel. We trust each other.
We do?
Yes, let's open it.
Excuse me, why would you want to open it? Sit down.
To prove that we trust each other.
And see what all the fuss is about. Ok, good.
Ivan Ivanov. Go away!
We've been trying to contact you.
You have the memoirs? No, but we know where Felix keeps them.
Felix. Try not to mention that name to me, please.
I shall tell the comrade general.
There are some things that are beyond even a hero of the Soviet socialist republic.
We couldn't arrest him, of course. Naturally.
We sat up with this guy all night long.
And that was a waste of time.
We take one of theirs, they take one of ours. Or one of yours.
Or one of ours and one of yours. Yes.
You'd have been better employed seeing Felix didn't vanish like that.
Well, excuse me, but why would we?
After all, we thought that this was the real manuscript.
Exactly. How were we to know that he had set up a snare?
I'm afraid you've been outsmarted, sinclair.
Nothing more we can do here. In that case, Daniel...
We shall be glad to show you out. Come along, feffer...
Pfeiffer, I'm sorry.
I'll just have a little word with those two, cavendish.
You run along.
I'll have a word with them myself, thank you.
Who are they?
Your friend Felix was known by different names.
One of them was meadowes, the other one was schumann.
That lady is mrs meadowes, the other one is madam schumann.
(Laughs) Oh, that Felix. He always was a character.
With all that spying, you wonder when he had the time.
(Engine starts) Oh, there goes america.
Do you ever get the feeling that your country is in trouble?
Yes, every time I look at cavendish.
So, Felix has done it again.
If I didn't think it'd make him so happy, I'd divorce him.
I'll kill him.
You know, you and your friend have been very charming to us.
Our pleasure.
But you're wasting your time. We won't tell you anything.
Well, does it matter now?
We've retired. The spy business is not really us.
You can't trust anybody. You're right.
Besides... felix has flown the coup.
But he'll be back. Mm?
Six passports and two bank books.
You don't think he'd leave that behind, do you?
No, not really. So if you don't mind... We'll wait.
Mind?
The one thing I have always said about Felix...
Is he has exceptional... Taste.
Oh, it's a lovely room.
So many beautiful things.
(Gasps) And so expensive.
(Sighs) Money can be so useful. Don't you agree?
Yep, I agree. It's so frustrating, you know.
We could have been rich. Everything was set up,
everybody was bidding for the memoirs.
You should have had photostats made and then sell one to everybody.
You're a nice man. You think so, huh?
You think just like we do.
I'm glad, cos I think we're going to be good friends.
No, I don't trust you. Why?
You might want the memoirs for yourself. They're very valuable.
They tried to kill Felix yesterday. Again?
You mean it's happened before? Oh, yes.
Well, who's doing it?
Somebody who knows where he keeps them. Where does he keep them?
Uh-uh, that's our little secret.
Oh, his lordship is here. Oh, Daniel.
Tea? How splendid. Excuse me, m'lord.
Yes? Will the young ladies be staying this evening?
Oh, anything is possible, chivers. Very good, m'lord.
I'll air extra beds just in case.
Well now, isn't this cosy?
Tea? Thank you, Daniel.
And quite unique. You know, I don't think I have ever taken tea
with two ladies who are married to the same man before.
It does sound complicated, I must say.
Oh, no, not at all.
I lived in Heidelberg,
so when Felix was spying in Germany, he stayed with me.
Ingrid lives in Paris, so...
So, when he was spying in frace, he...
No jealousy? Oh, no.
We didn't know about one another until he was imprisoned.
What drew you together? Money.
Money. We decided, if Felix wanted two wives,
we should make provision for two widows.
It seems fair. Yes, I agree.
Especially as somebody is bound to kill him sooner or later.
(Clears throat) Look who's here.
What a pleasant surprise. Yes, isn't it?
Like some tea? That'd be lovely.
You don't mind if I join you?
Of course not. In fact, I insist.
Why don't you three settle this?
I hate to come between a wife and husband...
..And wife. You figure out the way you want to, ok?
You've got to tell me. Where do you keep your memoirs, Felix?
I'll tell you, Danny, dear.
In his head.
Take it off, Felix.
Fantastic! It even fooled the east Germans when he was imprisoned.
Not bad, is it?
102 pages, reduced to that size.
Only one other person realised it
and he tried to kill me at the border and yesterday.
No, my darlings. Nobody's going to sell or buy.
My little story's going to be published by a gentleman
who isn't bound by the official secrets act
because he'll print in Switzerland. He was the highest bidder?
No. All I'll get will be author's royalties.
But I'm vain enough to want to see my name in print.
And I've got enough to scratch by on.
Besides...
My other wife, who lives in southend, hasn't got such expensive tastes.
You cheat! Get it, Heidi!
(German accent) Drop the gun.
Don't move. Any of you.
Who's moving? Certainly not I.
Get after him!
Go on. I...
Argh!
I say, chivers, well done. I'll take that.
Thank you, lord sinclair.
Brett! Eugh! What is that?
I'll take that. You can have it.
There's nothing here.
Do you mind? I feel cold without it.
I'm afraid she's right.
Last night when I drove to London,
I gave the memoirs to my publisher.
I'm afraid you're all too late.
Cut.
You know what really riles me?
The fact that we could be outsmarted by a dumb-dumb like Felix.
I mean, what does he think?
He must think he's in some kind of spy movie, that's what.
The spy who came in from the cold.
That was a good film. Robert Burton.
Benson. No, Burton. Richard Burton.
No, Benson. Who's Benson?
That's the guy I spoke on the phone with last night. He thought I was Felix.
He mentioned something about contracts.
Ergo, Benson is the publisher. Right, go ahead.
There are only about 300 publishers in London.
But how many of them have private printing presses in Switzerland?
Now, they were incorporated over there,
they've got a branch office over here,
and that's the way they beat the official secrets act. I like it.
Well, I don't. I do. It's positive thinking.
It's going to take time, tracking down the publisher.
There's a flaw. What's that?
Benson. I mean, he's not just gonna hand over the manuscript, right?
We're going to have to break in and steal it.
Yes and we're not very good at that. We're lousy at that.
Just a moment, I know someone who can help us.
Gin.
Well... the lights are out and the place is empty.
Good evening, your lordship. Mr wilde.
Chivers, good evening. Well done, chivers. Right on time.
I really don't believe it. You're not kidding me, are you?
Excuse me, chivers, these are going to be somewhat modern locks.
I shouldn't worry about that, sir.
I was very experienced before I retired and took up service.
He was the top man in his profession, right? Never caught.
Talking of that, m'lord, I took the Liberty of checking up on
the movements of the fuzz. We've a clear half hour.
The fuzz?
If you'll be so good, m'lord. Of course, chivers.
You don't plan to open the door with that toothpick, do you?
No, sir, I indulged in a rather stringy beef sandwich
on the journey.
Chivers, please, the door. Yes, m'lord.
Hurry, chivers. Chivers, wait for us.
M'lord.
Ah.
What do you require, chivers? Oh, thank you, m'lord.
Oh. Ah.
Where do you stick the thermometer? Ssh.
Excellent, excellent. Bravo, chivers.
Thank you, m'lord. It's nice to know the old skills have not deserted one.
Will that be all, m'lord? Yes, thank you, chivers.
Thank you very much. Good night. Have a safe journey home.
Here. Felix meadowes.
Hang on. Come on. Put it on the table.
I was right, sinclair. I knew if I goaded you two enough,
you'd find it for me.
I thought he was on your side.
Well, I think he's gone into business for himself. No kidding.
I wondered about cavendish since Felix told us there was that attempt to kill him.
Really? Oh, yes. Well, it had to be someone who...
Knew where he kept the microfilm.
Someone who could get it off his dead body.
Why me? Yeah, answer the man.
Well, look at it logically.
It had to be you because you've known him and worked with him for years.
He's probably used that toupee trick before too.
Once. In a tight corner in Leningrad.
I didn't know about it before then.
Hey, did you know all of this during that tea party?
Oh, yes, I've been working on it.
Well, what a pity you didn't work it out before, isn't it?
Well done, Daniel. Chivers, be a good chap, will you?
Run off and call the police. Certainly, m'lord.
Well, he hasn't got it. I mean, the microfilm.
What do you mean he hasn't got it? It's not here.
You're not trying to pull a fast one?
I haven't got it. You can frisk me if you want.
See what they've done to us? What's that?
Even we don't trust each other. Oh, really?
Well, I suppose if he hasn't got it and I haven't got it,
you haven't got it...
Then it is still in circulation.
The police are on the way, m'lord.
What would you like me to do with this? Chivers, good chap!
What are you going to do with it? I'm going to destroy it.
Why would you do that? If we can't trust ourselves with it,
we can't trust anybody else, can we? Have you got a match?
No, do you have a match? Sir, it's safety film. It won't burn.
Oh, I know what to do. Excuse me. Here.
Now, chivers... Your lordship... Thank you, Daniel.
Bon appetit.
Lord sinclair?
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