[music playing]
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[dog barking]
[whistling]
[music playing]
Make the same.
It's good for you.
Spring air.
The way you're gulping it up, there
won't enough left to go around.
Isn't it very hot for so early in April, Dr. Gurkakoff?
I'm not surprised.
It is the recent bombardment by ions from the sun.
You see, temperatures is due to the quantity of molecular--
Hey, hey.
Stop, stop.
You don't want me to retaliate by reciting
all the tributary branches of the Amazon.
Incredible that only last week we were doing
lots for our hot water bottle.
Observe the forsythia, or golden bell.
I never knew it to bloom so early.
[music playing]
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
It's 8:46, gentlemen.
Oh, Potts.
Just once more around the park.
Before we go back to our mausoleum.
I saw a scarlet tanager, which must've flown all the way
from Florida, just to enjoy it.
1,500 miles.
Our constitution was taking up too much time already.
We're working under pressure.
After nine years of effort, we are,
as the racetrack enthusiasts might say, in the homestretch.
Three more years, and our encyclopedia will be finished.
Let's not bog down in the middle of the letter S.
All right. All right.
That's done it.
It's now 8:49, gentlemen.
I, for one, am going back to work.
Eh, teacher's pet.
Bertram Potts, the incorruptible.
The eternal no-no man.
Back home.
Well, it may be raining this afternoon anyway.
[music playing]
[whistling]
[music playing]
- Good morning, Miss Bragg. - Good morning, Miss Bragg.
Good morning.
Good morning, Miss Bragg.
Good morning, Professor.
Good morning, Miss Bragg.
Good morning.
Good morning, Miss Bragg.
Good morning, Professor.
Gentlemen, before you get down to work,
I've got something to say.
One of you made off with the jar or strawberry preserves
from my pantry last night.
I located the empty jar on the shelf
behind "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire."
That seems to indicate our historian, Professor Peagram.
I did no such thing, Miss Bragg.
I'm not accusing anybody, but until it's cleared up,
I think we'll dispense with jam for breakfast.
[clears throat] Miss Bragg.
Yes, Professor Oddly?
I am the one.
I was writing about strawberries, when suddenly I
got a horrible craving.
A crime confessed is half-atoned.
Miss Bragg!
I had some material, but-- but what happened to it?
What happened?
I blushed for my duster when I did your desk.
You will find everything in the middle drawer, face down.
I'm just starting my article on sex, Miss Bragg.
[door closes]
Any objections?
No.
I trust you have more control of yourself than Professor Oddly.
Professor Gurkakoff, your window shade, again.
Yes, Miss Bragg.
It's a crime to carelessly expose this good carpet.
You've just committed a more serious crime, Miss Bragg.
You have split an infinitive.
Never to carelessly expose, always to expose carelessly.
I'm not here to juggle words.
It's my job to conscientiously see that this house is--
Oh, you've just split another one, Miss Bragg.
- Professor-- - Oh, oh.
Here's whatchamacallit.
Who?
The lawyer for the Foundation.
And Miss Totten's with him. - Oh, dear.
And this place looking like a flicker's nest.
Ah, yes. we're--
we're in for our semi-annual wigging, I suppose.
You'd better put your coat on, Potts.
Why? What--
Better fix your tie.
Fix your hair.
Say, what is all that nonsense?
This nonsense is Miss Totten.
And will you please smile at her?
[door closes]
Say, this is all very undignified.
If you think you're-- - Sh!
--being funny, I--
[footsteps]
- Morning, gentlemen. - Good morning.
Good morning.
Won't you sit here, Miss Totten.
It's a very nice morning, Miss Totten.
Would you like to speak, Miss Totten?
Or shall I?
You, please, Mr. Larsen.
I'll make this brief as possible, gentlemen.
To date, $283,000 have been expended
in writing this encyclopedia.
You all realize that Miss Totten's father,
the late Daniel S. Totten, left only a quarter of a million
dollars for this project.
Every additional penny will have to come
from Miss Totten's own pocket.
We would like a frank estimate of how
much longer you will take?
Well, um--
Maybe-- maybe--
maybe three years?
Maybe four?
It cannot be.
It just cannot be be.
Oh, my dear Miss Totten.
You wouldn't discontinue your father's great gesture
towards human enlightenment.
Human enlightenment?
What nonsense, Professor Jerome.
Papa had just one reason for ever starting
this unfortunate enterprise.
Vanity.
He broke a blood vessel, because he
found his name was omitted from the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Because 30 pages were devoted to Thomas Alva Edison,
17 to Alexander Graham Bell, but not
one line to Daniel S. Totten, the inventor
of the electric toaster.
In our encyclopedia, Mr. Totten shall receive
an appropriate amount of space.
- Oh, yes. - Yes.
Of course.
Three-quarters of a page, I should think.
Three-quarters of a page?
That's all he deserves.
Is it?
You may go on, Mr. Larsen.
Well, all we ask is that you bring this thing of close
somehow or other.
Get on with it.
Slap it together.
Mr. Larson, may I have a word?
Hello, Professor Potts.
Hello, Miss Totten.
Mr. Larsen, you said, slap it together.
We are not the slapping together kind.
We have started an encyclopedia.
And we shall finish it, as thoroughly
as is humanly possible.
Another $100,000?
If necessary, yes.
If our work goes slowly, it's because the world,
it goes so fast.
Take Professor Jerome, our geographer.
He has to rewrite all the time.
And Dr. Magenbruch--
I'm not interested.
Don't interrupt, Mr. Larsen.
Go on, Professor.
I'm-- I'm sure it's your wish that
this monument to your father be finished
as nobly as it was begun.
I'm appealing to you, Miss Totten, to your vision
and to your heart.
Maybe-- maybe I'm a little inarticulate, but I've always
regarded you as a--
Yes, Professor?
Always regarded you as a--
[barks]
Oh, Professor!
You know what I mean, Miss Totten.
Yes.
I warn you, Miss Totten, another four years of this,
with Morgentower running--
After all, it was Father's wish.
But gentlemen, you will hurry and finish the encyclopedia,
won't you? - Yes, we will.
- Yes. - Yes, indeed.
Of course.
Last year, when all the other professors came to my musical,
where were you, Professor Potts?
Er, sinus.
But I shall be there this year.
Oh.
I shall look forward to seeing you again.
Goodbye.
- Bye. - Goodbye.
- Good day. - Bye.
Bye.
Good day.
[laughter]
[excited conversation]
Splendid.
That maneuver down my spine was very unnecessary.
Was it, my dear Potts?
Did it work?
[laughter] - I could--
Hi.
I hope you don't mind.
I came through the kitchen.
Who are you?
I'm the garbage man.
I want to find out something about Cleopatra.
Cleopatra?
Yeah, this is some kind of a library, or a school, isn't it?
Neither.
We are writing an encyclopedia.
Bi cyclo what?
An encyclopedia, a work in which
endeavors to compile and catalog all human knowledge.
Say, that's just what I need.
Young man, did you come through my kitchen?
- That's right, sister. - I'm not your sister.
And you get out! - Well, now, Miss Bragg.
Miss Bragg.
No, please, Miss Bragg.
We find this intensely interesting.
Go on, please.
You can't tell me he's not infested with germs.
Then go and get your gas mask.
Now, shoo, scar, skedaddle.
Please, won't you take a seat?
Thanks, bo.
I seen all these books through the window,
and I figured that maybe you could help me out.
In what way, young man?
With this quizzola that they got on a radio.
This what?
Quizzola?
Corn Crunchies quiz-quiz.
Send in 100 box covers, and you stand to make a little dough.
Well, with my opportunities, I got about 3,000 box covers
together.
Only, some of the answers, you have
the send in to the questions.
You know, like true or false.
You have those questions here?
Yeah.
Sure.
Well, that's very interesting.
Question one.
Cleopatra died A) from swallowing
a needle, B) from snakebite, C) from hiccoughs.
[laughter]
That's my province.
I cover history.
The correct answer is B. Cleopatra, Queen
of Egypt, daughter of Ptolemy the XIII, born 69 BC,
killed herself on the 29th day of August, 30 BC,
by placing an asp to her bosom.
A what?
An asp.
A small snake.
Well, patch my pantywaist.
Well? Well?
Next?
Eh, which would you say it?
Two and two is five.
Two and two are five.
Two and two makes five.
Professor Potts covers English.
Did you hear the question, Potts.
I did.
As the verb is always governed by the subject,
the correct answer is two and two are five.
Potts.
Oh, no, Potts.
Correct for a grammarian, perhaps,
but not for the mathematician.
Two and are four.
[laughter]
That's a good one.
Nobody's going to get that.
Well, I certainly am obliged.
I could use a bundle of scratch right now, on account
of I met me a mouse last week.
Mouse?
What a pair of gams!
A little in, a little out, and a little more out.
I'm still completely mystified.
Well, with this dish on my hands,
and them giving away 25 smackaroos on a quizzola.
Smackaroos?
What are smackaroos?
A smackaroo is a--
No such word exists.
Oh, it don't, huh?
A smackaroo is a dollar, pal.
No, the accepted vulgarism for a dollar is a buck.
The accepted vulgarism for a smackaroo is a dollar.
That goes for a ganger, a fish, a buck, or a rug.
Well, what about the mouse?
The mouse is the dish.
That's what I need the moolah for.
- Moolah? - Moolah.
Yeah, the dough.
Where we stepping, me and the smooch, I mean, that dish,
I mean the mouse.
You know, hit the jiggles for a little rum boogie.
Please, please. not so fast
Brother, we're going to have some hoytoytoy.
Hoytoytoy!
Yeah.
And if you want that one explained,
you go ask your papas.
[horn honking]
That's Archie.
His water's getting hot.
Well, thanks again, gents.
And if you ever want to get into a contest sometime,
just call on me.
Maybe you've got the brains, but I've got my box codes.
- Goodbye. - Bye.
Come again.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Well, kind of a breezy fellow, isn't he?
Yes.
He seemed a most likeable gentleman.
Yes.
Sure.
- And I'm an idiot. - Idiot?
Why, why?
Miss Bragg!
- What's the matter, Potts? - Well, what's--
I'm going out.
Going out?
What's your prognosis on the weather, Gurkakoff?
Light showers toward the evening, but--
Yes, Professor Potts?
Miss Bragg, my hat, and my mackintosh.
And put my luncheon sandwich in the pocket.
- What? - Immediately.
- Yes, sir. - What's happened?
What do you mean you're going out, Potts?
- Where are you going? - Research.
Research?
What-- what-- what research?
The garbage man.
Didn't you hear him?
Yes.
Well, I didn't quite understand all he said.
Nor did I. And it's catastrophic, gentlemen.
Catastrophic. - Why?
Why?
How so?
I've just finished my article on slang.
23 pages compiled from a dozen reference books, 800 examples.
Well?
Everything from the idiotic combination "absotively," to
the pejorative use of "zigzag."
I traced the evolution of "hunky dory,"
tracked down "skiddo" from "skedaddle."
800 examples, and I may as well throw it in the wastebasket.
Three weeks' work.
Potts, you're hysterical.
Outmoded, based on reference books 20-years-old.
Take "smooch."
Take "dish." Take--
Hoytoytoy?
Hoytoytoy.
Not one of them included .
Living in this house, cut off from the world, I've--
I've lost touch.
And it's inexcusable.
That man talked to living language.
I embalmed some dead phrases.
But where are you going?
Out to collect new data.
To tap the sources of slang.
The major sources.
The streets, the slums, the theatrical,
and allied professions.
Well, now, Potts, don't you think it's--
I know it's regrettable, this loss of time, gentlemen.
But it must be done.
[music playing]
Leave the key under the mat.
I won't be home before 9 o'clock.
Yes, sir.
I'm writing about the planet Saturn.
Do I insist on going to the planet Saturn?
[laughter]
Maybe my data on sex is a little outdated, too.
[music playing]
Just a moment, please!
Do you mind if I ride along with you?
Hop on, buddy.
[music playing] - Extra!
Extra!
Nab Benny the Creep in cement killing!
Read all about it!
Corpse's dog dunked in the cement!
Extra!
Extra Ice Pick Killing!
Link Benny the Creep with Big Tom!
Extra!
Seek Man behind the Man behind the Murder Ring!
Extra!
[music playing]
Hey, what are you checking up on me, or something?
Four words, blitz it, Mister, blitz it, will you?
You give me the mimis.
Mimis?
Yeah, the screaming mimis.
Extremely picturesque.
Young man, could I interest you in a research project in which
you could be very helpful?
And what are you promoting?
Some kind of reform school?
If you would come to this address at 9:30 tomorrow
morning, you'd be doing society a definite service.
Who are you anyway, Father Flanagan?
[music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[applause]
[MUSIC - MARTHA TILTON SINGING AS BARBARA STANWYCK,
"DRUMBOOGIE"] Boogie!
You hear the the rhythm romping.
Boogie!
You see the drummer stomping, drumboogie, drumboogie.
Boogie!
It really is a killer.
Drumboogie, drumboogie, the drumboogie-woogie.
Boogie! The rhythm won't offend you.
Boogie!
It's really going to send you.
Drumboogie, drumboogie.
Boogie!
It really is a killer.
Drumboogie, drumboogie, the drumboogie-woogie.
Boogie!
Do you hear the piano romping?
Boogie!
See the drummer stomping!
Drumboogie, drumboogie.
Drumboogie!
The cat's a killer-diller!
Drumboogie, drumboogie, the drumboogie-woogie.
Come on, Krup, knock yourself out!
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah!
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah!
Now, Mister, can't keep on a-driving,
just gently jam the jiving.
Drumboogie!
The cat is rocking with a solid eight.
I tell you, it's mortigate.
The joint is jumping with the drumboogie.
Drumboogie.
Drumboogie-woogie, yeah!
Three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, Ah!
Boogie!
[applause]
Young man.
What is the name of that song?
Boogie.
What does boogie mean?
Are you kidding?
[applause]
For me?
Yeah!
OK, what do you want, hep cats?
More!
More?
- Same thing. - OK.
We'll mix it up a little.
Come on down, Krup.
You're going to have to be awfully quiet.
I'm going to need a little help, OK, squares?
- All right. - All right.
I want this chair.
and we'll clean off the table.
Oh, a little juice down here, Junior.
What's cooking, Sugar?
Match boogie, Krup.
How about it? - Match boogie.
You'll get it. Where's some matches?
I have some right here.
You two go with me.
And the rest of you take boogie to the orchestra, right?
Right.
Sure.
Here we go, Krup.
Like Buster's gang.
Very quiet.
One, two.
[MUSIC - PERFORMED BY CAST MEMBERS, "DRUMBOOGIE"]
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah.
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah.
Drumboogie.
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah.
Drumboogie.
The drumboogie-woogie.
Boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah.
One, two, three, four, boogie!
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah.
Come on, one, two, three, four.
Drumboogie.
Lah-dah-dee-lah-dah-lah-dah Drumboogie.
Drumboogie for me.
Sh!
Drumboogie for me.
[blowing out match] Yeah!
[cheering]
[applause]
Young man, what is the name of that young lady?
Sugarpuss O'Shea.
An astounding specimen.
She jives by night.
Root, zoot, and cute.
And solid to boot.
Are you kidding?
No.
Come on, sweetie. Quick.
- Yeah, quick is right. - What's the fever?
Listen, Sugar, you've got to take it on the lam.
- Yeah, they're looking for you. - Who?
The District Attorney's office.
Why?
You've got to get dressed and out of here,
before they slap a subpoena on you.
- A subpoena? - Sh!
Come on.
We'll talk about it in the dressing room.
Well, why can't you tell me now?
What is all this subpoena business?
On account of Benny the Creep had an accident.
I never heard of Benny the Creep.
Who is he? - One of the boys.
He was kind of an errand, when he grazed
into a police car, that dope.
And for that, I've got to hide out?
That don't make sense, Pastrami.
No, you see, when the blues gave Benny a ticket,
they Kinnick in the back of the car.
- Dead. - In the accident?
That's what Benny was trying to tell them.
Only they saw Kinnick's feet.
They was in a cake of cement.
Benny was going to dump him in the East River.
That was the errand.
Hey, what is all this?
Where do I come in?
Wait a second.
Is Joe Lilac mixed up in this?
The DA had him picked up about a half hour ago.
That's why we're here.
That's why you got to beat it.
Joe Lilac mixed up in a murder?
- Yeah. - I don't believe it.
Not for a second.
He was framed, Sugie.
Honestly he was.
May I drop down dead.
Wasn't he, Asthma?
And there was them pajamas they found.
- Pajamas? - Yeah.
That's where you come in.
Remember dozen pink ones you give to the boss
last Christmas, before you knew that the only color
that Joe Lilac wears is lilac? - Yeah.
So we handed them out to the boy.
And in the suitcase, right beside Benny
the Creep when he gets caught, is
a pair with a big JL monogram.
[music playing]
Who is it?
I'd like to speak to Miss O'Shea
regarding an investigation I'm conducting.
OK.
We'll take care of it.
Just a minute.
[music playing]
- How do you do, Miss O'Shea? - Hello.
I hate to intrude like this, but mine is a very--
Cut the corners. What is it?
Well, this inquiry is one of considerable importance.
Stop beating up with the gums.
What was that?
Get this, I don't know from nothing.
Oh, but you do.
Every word you say proves as much.
Where is that paper?
Subpoena?
Suppose you tell the DA to take a nice running
jump for himself.
Bewildering.
And you want to tell me you're not the person I'm looking for?
Hey, how many of you are on this job?
The entire project?
Eight.
Oh.
The other seven waiting outside? - Oh, no.
They're at home, sound asleep I imagine.
Asleep?
Yes, they go to bed at 9:00 every night.
Do you mean to tell me with crime what it is in New York--
say, are you a bull, or aren't you?
Well, if bull is a slang word for professor, then I'm a bull.
A professor?
Of English.
Oh.
I thought there was some misunderstanding.
There sure was.
See, I'm conducting an investigation on current slang.
Would you object if I use you for observation and study?
Yeah, I would.
If I could have your assistance for just a few days,
it would be--
Out, out, Professor.
- Then you won't help me? - No.
Out. Shove in your clutch.
Exactly the kind of thing I want.
Perhaps if I could come back here
again when you have more time.
Save the gas.
I won't be here after tonight.
Well, look.
Here's the address of the Foundation.
If you should happen to change your mind, by any chance,
it's my residence, as well.
Listen, not now.
Well, I'll only just leave it here.
OK.
Scrow, scram, scraw.
The complete conjugation.
All right.
I'll scraw.
Stop futzing around.
You haven't got time to get dressed.
All right. Only I--
We'll go out the window.
I think you're a pair of cracked dice.
[footsteps]
Excuse me.
Oh, look out, Mister.
Good night.
Miss O'Shea.
What do you want?
Right there.
[handle jiggling]
Open up!
District Attorneys' office.
[handle jiggling]
[car driving away]
Where to?
Just keep cruising, Jack.
Well?
How about that warehouse on West 11th?
No. Too many rats.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you taking me?
Oh, it's just for the night, Sugarpuss.
We can't take you to your place.
They'll have it covered.
Joe's apartment, they got sealed up like a can of coffee.
Oh, I see.
Yeah, but you live someplace, don't you?
Yeah, sure.
And the cops know where.
Yeah, a hotel.
I thought of a hotel, but they'll
fan every hotel in town.
I could change my name.
Listen, Sugie, why take chances?
It's an awful nice warehouse.
He says, rats, big mouth does.
Well, maybe a few little bitty mice.
Uh uh.
That's out.
Tomorrow we'll get a hold of a lawyer,
and figure out something, with more class.
Huh.
Say, I got an uncle who's an undertaker.
And with business like it is, he's always got an extra slab.
Oh, no.
That's fine.
That's all I need.
Keep thinking.
Hey, what's this?
Bertram Potts.
Oh, that's that professor jerk.
Ha!
Uh oh.
I never would have believed it.
But how do you account for the name?
Have I missed anything?
No.
I was just about to explain.
You see, the word "puss" means face.
Yes.
As, for instance, sour puss, pickle puss,
Sugarpuss implies a certain sweetness in her appearance.
Sugar, yes, yes.
Yes.
Well, nev-- never mind the etymology.
Was she--
Was she blonde or brunette?
Yes, which?
That I don't know. I didn't notice.
Oh.
But her vocabulary, even in ordinary conversation--
Oh, you spoke to her?
Well, yes, in her dressing room.
In her dressing room?
- Backstage? - Yes.
Phew.
Unfortunately, she-- she disclaimed
any interest in our project.
Oh.
In words so bizarre, they made my mouth water.
"Shove in your clutch," for instance.
What?
That's amazing!
Potts, could you tell us, what was it like backstage?
- Yes. - Oh, very vivacious I imagine.
And perhaps ballerinas kicking up and down iron staircases?
Mhm.
Around, and around, and around.
Possibly wearing tights.
Tights.
And that ineffable smell of rice powder.
On nude shoulders.
[music playing] -
Well, it's getting a bit late, gentlemen.
Perhaps we had better get to bed.
Oh, I--
Me, too.
[music playing]
Someday, I'll tell you my experiences
with a young actress named Lillian Russell.
Did you know her?
I stood in the snow four hours to get to--
[doorbell rings]
Is that our doorbell?
[doorbell rings]
But it's 12:25.
Oh, it must be the statistics on San Salvador saltpeter.
[doorbell rings]
I'll get it.
I asked for it to be sent registered airmail.
[light clicks on]
Hi-de-ho!
Tk-tk.
Don't tell me I'm too late for class, Professor.
Oh, my goodness gracious!
Never in all my days!
Say, what is that?
[footsteps]
Those are my colleagues.
Oh.
I must apologize for their lack of costume.
Oh, that's all right, Professor.
And the fact that I haven't got my tie on, and--
Oh, you know, one time I watched my big brother shave.
[music playing]
Won't you come in?
Why not?
Frankly, your coming here was the last thing I expected.
Your no was so explicit.
Well, I got to thinking it over.
And phoo, I said to myself, who am I to give science the brush?
And I take it you've reconsidered?
Yeah, that's the big idea.
Well, now--
Oh, dear.
[music playing]
Look out!
[footsteps]
Well, that was Professor Oddly.
Any more of him around?
I hope not.
[music playing]
Say, Who decorated this place?
The mug that shot Lincoln?
Oh, this is our work room.
Oh.
The living quarters are upstairs.
Whee, that's a lot of books.
All of them different?
I trust.
Uh huh.
May I have your coat?
Yeah, thanks.
[music playing]
Oh, Greek philosophy.
I've got a set like this, with radio inside.
[music playing]
Are you sure you don't want your coat?
No, I'm fine.
Except I've got a run in this stocking.
Well, how do we start, Professor?
You see, this is the first time anybody moved in on my brain.
Have you got some kind of a machine,
an x-ray, or a vacuum cleaner maybe that sorts out the word
you want?
What's your method, Professor?
Well, it's quite simple.
If you'll be here tomorrow morning, not later than 9:30--
Tomorrow morning?
Well, yes.
I've-- I've arranged a round table discussion with a few
people of various backgrounds.
Uh huh.
You-- you don't think we could sort
of begin the Beguine right now?
Well, it's nearly one o'clock, Miss O'Shea.
Oh, phoo, Professor.
Let's get ourselves a couple of drinks, light the fire, maybe.
And you can start working on me right away.
I wouldn't think of imposing upon you at this hour.
Listen, I figured I'm working all night.
Well, any hasty, random discussion would
be of no scientific value.
You see, I have to have my notes thoroughly prepared
for the seminar tomorrow.
Mhm.
OK.
Where do I sleep?
Well, I don't know.
Where do you live?
Up on Riverside.
But I'm going to sleep here.
Here?
Well, you don't understand, Miss O'Shea, we're
all bachelors, with the exception of Professor
Oddly, who is a widower.
Why, no woman ever--
even Miss Bragg, who takes care of our needs,
goes home every night at 7:30.
If you want me tomorrow morning at 9:30, you--
Oh, I do, Miss O'Shea.
Yeah.
But even the most free-thinking
people must respect the--
All right.
Feel that.
Go on.
Feel that foot.
OK, tootsie bell, what do you say?
It's cold.
It's cold and it's wet.
Now, come here.
[music playing]
Come here.
Closer.
Oh, come on, give.
Hello, kids.
Look down my throat.
Go on, look down.
[mumbles]
I don't know what to look for.
Huh.
There is possibly a slight rosiness
in the laryngeal region.
Slight rosiness?
Yeah.
It's as red as the Daily Worker, and just as sore.
Who are you?
I'm--
Who is he?
This is Dr. Magenbruch, our physiological expert.
Oh.
This is Professor Robinson, law.
Mhm.
Professor Gurkakoff--
Ah, ah, ah, not so fast.
Just let it creep up on me.
I'll get to know them.
Come here, physiology.
For all I know, I've got a fever.
Feel.
- It's possible. - Certainly.
And he wants to throw me out on my tin.
Oh.
There'll be no 09:30 for me if you
let me go out in the rain now.
Naturally not.
With the streets cold, and the subway hot, and full of germs?
Ho ho, I'm a pushover for streptococcus.
Can I have this now, kid?
Pardon me.
We'll call you a heated taxi and furnish you with woolen
socks and warm slippers. - Oh, no, no, no.
- How do you like that? - No, no.
Really, I don't understand you, Potts.
Why take chances?
With valuable materials!
You must think of your article, Potts.
See? They get the point.
If I might venture a suggestion.
Why couldn't the young lady sleep in my room?
- What? - What?
Well!
Professor Peagram!
Oh, I-- I can bunk in with Professor Robinson.
I sometimes do when there's an electric storm.
Yes, and he's afraid of thunder.
Well, then.
It's all settled.
Well, I guess I'll turn in.
Can I have my coat?
Most certainly.
Of course.
Thank you.
Hi-de-ho, fellows.
Oh, hi-de-ho!
I'll show you to my room.
Yes, we all will go.
I know where my own room is, thank
you, without any help from you.
Why shouldn't-- why shouldn't--
Sh, sh, sh. I'll find it.
Don't bother.
Just rough out the directions.
At the top of the stairs, and the third door on the left.
Gentlemen, just a moment, please.
Gentlemen, this is all highly irregular.
What if this should come to the attention of the Foundation?
And what about Miss Bragg tomorrow?
What are you talking about?
This is research, isn't it?
Yes.
Certainly.
Who was that guy learned so much from watching an apple drop?
Isaac Newton.
1642 to 1727.
The law of gravity.
Yeah.
That's him.
And I want you to look at me as another apple, Professor Potts.
Just another apple.
Tk-tk.
[music playing]
Ah, that fits you like a glove.
You admit that, don't you?
I like little more effect around the shoulder,
sort of a puffed sleeve.
You know, that JL could be Joe Lilac.
Could be.
Still claim it isn't yours?
No, it isn't, and never was.
Come on, loosen up, Joe.
It's 5:00 o'clock in the morning.
How's about a little Benzedrine?
Put it on Benny the Creep.
Sure.
Take off your coat.
Should have brought along the valet.
I'm a sucker for comfort.
Don't worry, Joe.
You will have your comfort.
We'll have platinum bars on your cell.
And we'll heat up a chair for you, special.
20,000 volts.
AC or DC?
So those are your pajamas, huh?
Yup.
You always wear them three sizes too big?
It allows for my chest expansion.
And my fingers get kind of chilly at night.
And the JL?
It stands for jelly bean.
It stands for lollipop.
Take him away.
Come on.
That's fine.
That's great.
You've never heard of Benny the Creep?
Benny the Creep never heard of you.
There was no murder.
And there is no murder ring, with you at the control boards,
pushing the buttons.
Morning, Joe.
Hiya, McNeary.
Morning.
Pardon my glove, Mr. District Attorney.
Good morning.
All right.
I've got a writ of habeas corpus.
I've forgotten my reading glasses.
Too bad.
Come on, Joe.
It may be a couple of days before I find them.
I won't stand for my clients being--
It's all right, McNeary.
The man's trying to clean up the city.
Why not give him all the cooperation we can?
Does that mean you're going to talk, Joe?
What about?
Well, I'll make the pajamas talk.
Here's this sales slip for them.
They were bought by Miss O'Shea.
She bought them for you.
Or maybe you never heard of her.
Maybe she isn't your girlfriend.
Why bring a lady's name into this?
I'll bring the lady in herself.
What do we stand with that O'Shea girl?
What?
Well, what about the deputies?
All right.
Let me talk to Collins himself.
What about the girl?
Don't worry.
We've got her in safe deposit temporarily.
Temporarily's not good enough.
I've got something figured out.
Nothing gloomy, I hope.
Strictly legal.
A wife can't testify against her husband.
She's not my wife.
Not yet, she isn't.
But once they let you go, we'll pull a fastie.
Of all the incompetent--
What sweetheart dreamed up that law?
Don't give me that.
You've had six hours.
Tell those guys to get a jump on.
Having some trouble, Mr. DA?
But don't worry, Joe, and don't underestimate this office
or the state of New York.
I've got some boys that can find a needle in a haystack.
Well, that's a cinch.
All you have to do is get a horse to eat the hay,
and then X-ray the horse.
[knocking on door]
[handle jiggles]
OK.
Hold your horses.
Good morning!
Good morning.
Oh, what time is it?
This is worse than being in the army.
Professor Potts started the roundtable discussion
10 minutes ago.
He did?
Say, that's the devastating.
And this came for you.
Who brought it?
A couple of persons.
Any message?
Well, they spoke very picturesquely.
Yeah. Very.
Yes.
They said it's getting hot and hotter,
and to stay in the icebox, like a good little salad.
And this is the dressing.
A salad, huh?
And we wondered what you mean?
Yes.
Yes, we did.
Well, I'll tell you, sweetie, I--
MISS BRAGG: Gentlemen?
Gentlemen?
Miss Bragg.
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, sounds like mother calling.
Kids, you better go. - Yes, yes.
- See you later. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Gentlemen, where are you, gentlemen?
We're coming, Miss Bragg.
We're coming.
On our way.
I would like to talk to you.
I wanted to ask you, what were all your trousers
doing in my kitchen?
But I wanted mine pressed.
Well, that accounts for one pair.
- I did, too. - Well, yes it was me.
I did, too.
Seven pairs, all at once?
What's going on in this house, anyway?
No constitutional this morning.
You hardly touched your breakfast.
Professor Potts is in the dining room with a conglomeration
of dubious characters.
You not at your desks?
That's right, gentlemen, we have to work.
- Yes, we do. - That's right.
We have to get to work.
Just what were you doing upstairs, anyway?
Oh, we--
We-- we took up a suitcase.
- Yes, yes. - Suitcase?
- Yes. - Yes.
Whose suitcase?
We're very busy, Miss Bragg.
I said, whose suitcase?
Well, now, Miss Bragg, there is--
there is someone staying with us.
- Staying with us? - That's it.
- Yes, that's it. - Who?
Well, I--
Who is stay with us?
What's the matter?
Cat got your tongues?
Who is staying with us?
Well, I-- well, I--
oh, dear.
Professor Potts didn't tell you?
No.
I want to know.
Well, under the pressure of a very interesting assignment--
Yes?
--he's-- he's--
He's taken a temporary assistant.
- Yes. - Yes.
Oh, so we're running a hotel now.
Not exactly.
No.
But it seems to me that--
Professor Robinson, is that one of your socks?
No.
Not mine.
Oh, I wish that he'd--
well, I know Professor Peagram explains the corset he wears
as due to a floating kidney.
What's the explanation of this?
Hey, kids.
I'm stuck.
And of you can jerk a zipper?
A zipper?
Zipper?
Yeah, the darn thing's stuck.
That's it-- hello.
Who are you?
This is our Miss Bragg.
Miss-- did you say Bag?
Bragg.
How do you do?
Great-o.
Do you know anything about zippers?
- No. - Do you?
Do you? - Well, I--
Well, do you?
Do I?
No, I don't.
But Professor Gurkakoff--
OK.
Why?
Well, it's purely mechanical.
But look, you were married.
No, I'm just a botanist.
Look, kids.
After all, you know, this is only a zipper.
Come on, Gurky.
Well, I can try.
You know, I had this happen one
night in the middle of my act.
I couldn't get a thing off.
Was I embarrassed!
How's chances for a cup of coffee.
No breakfast after 9:00.
You see, it's a rule.
Just like my Aunt Beulah that brought me up.
That's why I left home.
There.
Oh, swell.
Now where's this little clambake of Professor Potts'?
- In the dining room. - In the dining room.
- Just across the hall. - See you later, kids.
[footsteps]
Don't tell me the jive session has beat off without baby.
Shut the door, please, Miss O'Shea.
You're late.
I won't waste time with introductions.
These are our collaborators.
- Hi, kids. - Hi.
How are you?
As I was saying, I've worked out a series
of cross-references which I believe will be the best
approach to our subject.
Going like gangbusters, isn't he?
Sit down, please.
I don't think you'll find our venture dull, Miss O'Shea.
The scientific conquest of an important subject
is never dull.
Slang, as the poet Carl Sandburg said,
is language which takes off its coat spits on its hands,
and goes to work.
[spits]
Let us-- let us too then get down to work.
Well, we've accomplished a lot in the last three days.
And I'm very grateful to all of you.
There's another word I'd like to take up now.
It's recurred several times in our discussions,
and it's meaning still eludes me.
I think it was Miss O'Shea who used it yesterday in reference
to the cuffs that I wear.
The word is corny. - Yeah.
Wouldn't you say they were corny?
Because of the cornstarch in them?
Because it's 1941.
And corny means old-fashioned.
Mm.
Kind of hick, loose tooth.
Mortimer Snerd.
Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh.
Oh, gee.
There's other kinds of corn, too.
When you give your girl your fraternity pin.
Well, if she says, I'll keep it forever.
That's corny, too.
Or take a joke.
That's no lady, that's my wife.
And making your baby shoes into ashtrays.
That's corn.
Right off the cob.
Well, let's stick to corn.
Is it synonymous with bologna?
No.
It's-- it's anything that gets them in the sticks.
Long time no see.
That's Indian corn.
Yeah, when a guy comes to see a girl and says,
let's turn off the lights.
It hurts my eyes.
Brother, that corn.
The implication is he's trying to pull some hoytoytoy.
You're catching on, Professor.
Countrified, old-fashioned, sentimental.
Business kind of peaked, Jack?
Yeah, it takes up a lot of time being on the faculty.
I'll buy the heap.
Oh, there's no call for you to do that.
Why not?
I want to line my bureau drawers.
Gee, thanks.
Back in a second, Professor.
Oh, yes.
All right
[door closes]
PROFESSOR: Oh, Miss O'Shea?
Just a minute.
Oh, Miss O'Shea.
Yeah?
We saw you pass the library arch,
and we've kind of got a little problem on our hands.
Would you help us?
Oh, I'd love to.
Oh, good.
Kind of spruced up today, aren't you, Professor?
Oh, that spats?
Yeah.
I ran across them in my bottom drawer.
Why let the moths eat them?
Atta boy.
What's your problem, sweetie?
Well, look.
Look, let me start again.
But Professor, I'm completely exhausted.
But we've got to get it right.
Come on, start with the right foot.
- No, left foot. - It's right foot.
Actually, gentlemen, it's the left foot.
Which foot, please?
The right foot.
All right.
But you're wrong.
Sh!
One, three, one, two, three.
Hoomph!
But I can't hoomph and hear.
We've been working on it ever since lunch.
Holy smoke.
Start again from the left.
Come on.
From the left.
[music playing]
One, two, three, hoomph!
Well, it's the right motion.
It doesn't feel right.
It doesn't look right.
Possibly isn't right.
Give us two hoomph.
Hoomph, hoomph.
Well, that would make it right.
Hoomph, hoomph.
Oh, my Lord.
You're wrong, my dear Gurkakoff.
Mathematics can never be wrong.
Look here, I'll show you.
Show him.
Right here. Hop.
Come on.
One, two.
Professor Oddly, please stand up.
I beg your pardon.
One, two, three, hoomph, hoomph.
Uh-uh-uh.
Just one.
Oh, the expert is here.
We need you.
What's the trouble?
Well, that dance you showed us last night--
Yeah.
Yes, maybe we're not very bright.
Professor Gurkakoff has been trying to reconstruct
it by compound fractions.
You better relax, lover.
Who, me?
Oh, thank you.
I can't find the common denominator
between steps and the music.
You bet you can't.
You're playing the polka, and I taught you conga.
How about some light in here?
Come on.
Look, kids.
This is the tempo.
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
Got it?
Bum!
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.
That's right, hit it!
Hit what?
That's what I told you!
One, two, three, four.
Atta boy, Gurky!
You're wonderful!
Wing it, Professor!
Hang on!
Good afternoon.
Whoo!
How do you like the new suit?
What the well-dressed professor will wear.
A young lady chased me all up with Fifth Avenue.
Probably to tell you to take the price tag off.
Did you-- did you get the records?
Well, they were all out of Beat Me Daddy, Eight
to the Bar. - Oh, dear.
Oh, dear.
But I got Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and Shoot the Sherbet
to me Herbert.
Oh, now watch us go!
Thank you very much, gentlemen.
Same time tomorrow, all of you who can.
OK.
Coach, so long.
Bye.
This has given me a new interest in life, Doc.
Me too.
I'm going to use some of those $2 words hollering my papers.
Park Avenue Bigamy Scandal!
Most Illuminating!
So long, Prof.
And thank you very much.
Oh, that's all right.
Excuse me for talking shop, but your garbage certainly
has cheered up these days.
Flowers, candy boxes, perfume wrappings.
And an empty of that sweet French liqueur.
Why that-- well, that's not our garbage.
Are you sure?
Well, maybe it wasn't, but it was in your pail.
I'm leaving, sister.
[music playing]
Miss Bragg.
May I have with you, Professor Potts?
Is that music coming from next door?
From this door.
And that's what I want to talk to you about.
Either she goes, or I got.
You're speaking of Miss O'Shea?
I am, Professor Potts.
That is the kind of woman that makes
whole civilizations topple.
It's always been my pride to scrupulously, untiringly,
efficiently, but that--
Now, now, now, Miss Bragg, you've split
that infinitive three times.
I repeat.
Either she goes, or I go.
I don't like ultimata, Miss Bragg.
but I shall look into the matter.
Don't look into the matter!
Look into the library!
[music playing]
Yippee!
Hiya, Pottsy, come on!
Hook on!
[music stops]
Hey, what's the big idea?
As soon as you gentlemen get your breath,
we had better have a conference.
Yes.
Would you please leave the room, Miss O'Shea?
But we've only just got started.
If you please, Miss O'Shea.
Loose tooth, again.
Now if you gentleman will be kind enough to get together all
that you've written in the last three days.
[door closes]
[tapping at door]
Well, it's about time.
I thought you two had amnesia and forgot where you parked me.
Hold the phone, Sugie.
Dropping me on the doorstep, like a throw away
for a credit dentist.
You said it was for one night!
Sugie, for snap's sake.
You're as hot as a pistol.
The DA's got 100 men on the job.
Why, they're squeezing this town through a sieve, borough
by borough.
You tell her, Pastrami.
They're tailing us, Sugie.
It took us three hours to get here from 48th Street.
Detours through Jamaica, Long Island to shake them off.
OK. You wait here.
I'll get my things together in two seconds flat.
Hey, wait a minute, Sugie.
We got a surprise for you.
You-- you ain't leaving.
Not right yet.
Why not? Joe's out, isn't he?
Yeah, but for how long?
They're laying for you, so they can get him back.
That's the surprise?
I'm supposed to stay in this old man's home
till the moths eat holes in me?
Say, when I say a surprise, I mean a surprise.
Come on.
Flash it to her.
Put on your sunglasses, Sugie.
Oh, boy.
Seven grand boiled into that one, Sugie.
[sighs] Joe doesn't have to bribe me just because I
do him a little favor. - Oh, it's not a bribe.
Don't take it like that.
Let him try and get it back, though.
See, it's not your size, is it?
It'll do if I have to whittle down my finger.
Third finger, left hand, Sugie.
Who do you think you're kidding?
The future Mrs. Joe Lilac.
Come again?
Wedding bells, sweetheart.
Joe and the lawyer got it all figured out.
Yeah, wife can't testify against husband, see?
Oh, don't put it like that you dope.
So he's been that way about you ever
since he first picked you out.
Yeah, but it took the DA to make him pop the question.
He sent you a love message.
He says that you get more bang out of you
than any dame he ever knew.
And he's the top, Sugie.
You realize that?
He's the top.
This is Joe Lilac.
Third Avenue girl in the major league at last.
Oh, Wait till they find out.
Those other dolls in the show.
Watch me break their crockery with this!
Here. Here.
The wedding's got to be a fast one, though.
Over in New Jersey someplace.
Now, this is the application for the license.
And you sign right here.
Well, you got a pen?
Yeah.
Well, screw it for Mrs. Lilac.
Right here. Right here.
You know, I can't make up my mind.
Will I continue my nightclub career or bust
in on the Helen Hayes racket?
Say, this ought to be signed before a notary public.
I'm a notary public.
Oh.
Commission expires 1943.
Were those pajama's a good investment?
You'll get the final dope by tomorrow morning.
Joe will phone around 10 o'clock.
Now, meantime, lie low and stay close to the Ameche.
OK. The what?
The telephone.
Oh.
Miss Sugarpuss?
You'd better duck.
OK. 10:00.
I'll be waiting.
OK, OK.
Here I am.
Just getting a little air.
Oh, Miss O'Shea.
What's buzzing, cousin?
Professor Potts would--
He wishes to speak to you.
Oh.
Yes.
Oh, don't worry kids.
Cheer up.
Tk-tk.
Shut the door, please.
Sure.
Take this chair, please, Miss O'Shea.
This particular one?
OK.
Open your mouth, please.
Hm?
Open your mouth.
Wider.
Thank you.
Can I close it now?
- Please do. - OK.
Miss O'Shea.
Yes?
Circumstances under-- over which neither of us has
the least control forced me to a step
I am most reluctant to take.
This sky is perfectly clear.
The thermometer stands at 76.
Your throat seems quite normal.
I must ask you to leave.
Leave here?
Why?
Miss O'Shea, I want you to look at our project,
I mean the encyclopedia, as a voyage.
A long, hard, tedious one.
A voyage from A to Z. Now when the Foundation
launched our vessel, it very wisely followed
an old rule of the sea.
No women aboard.
It chose a crew of single men with nothing
to distract them from the course they were to sail.
Say, Junior, you couldn't stop walking around a little,
could you?
For four days, we have been drifting Miss O'Shea.
The needle of the compass no longer
points to the magnetic pole.
It points, if I may say so, to your ankles.
Oh, come now, Admiral, a bunch of grown men,
they've seen a pair of ankles before.
Not for nine years.
Except for the singularly uninspiring
underpinnings of Miss Bragg.
Now, my colleagues--
If you think I'm bothering them, I'll sit on my legs.
And I'll do it my room or in the kitchen.
Too late.
You must leave, Miss O'Shea.
Well, I can't leave now.
How about that slang?
It's not finished yet?
What?
There's a lot of words we haven't caught up with.
For instance, do you know what this means?
I'll get you on the Ameche?
No.
'Course you don't.
An Ameche is the telephone.
On account of he invented it. - Oh, no.
He didn't.
Like, you know, in the movies.
Oh, I see what you mean.
You're very interesting.
Make no mistake, I shall regret the absence of your keen mind.
Unfortunately, it is inseparable from an extremely
disturbing body.
[whistles] All right.
I'll go.
Only don't shove.
I'll leave sometime tomorrow.
Not tomorrow, right away.
But I tell you, I've got a--
I insist, Miss O'Shea.
Oh, crabapple Annie.
Listen, Pottsy--
Crabapple Annie, well, that implies that I'm
puritanical and narrow minded.
Yeah.
I am a perfectly normal man, with perfectly
normal instincts.
But an awful high boiling point.
Not even that.
I, too, have been acutely aware of your presence.
You have?
Twice, to be exact.
Once, when you leaned over my shoulder
to correct my spelling of the word boogie-woogie,
I could feel your breath on my ear.
And yesterday afternoon, when you
happened to stand against the window
with the sunlight in your hair.
What'd you do about it?
[music playing]
I left the room.
Dipped my handkerchief in cold water,
and applied it to the back of my neck, right there.
Where the nerve center is.
That's cute.
You see, that's the basic difference between me
and the other professors.
We are all beguiled, but I am relatively young.
I can suppress temptation.
I generate enough energy to take precautionary measures.
A little sun on my hair, and you had to water your neck.
Perhaps I shouldn't have mentioned it, Miss O'Shea,
but I'm merely trying to point out the fact that the success
of our enterprise is at stake.
I want you to--
[music playing]
--cooperate.
I want you to leave.
Oh.
All right.
I'll go.
But if I'm going to go anyway, I guess I might as well spill it.
Spill it?
Spill what?
Why do you suppose I came here in the first place?
- Why, to help of the research. - I did not.
I came on account of you.
Me?
And not on account of you needed some slang.
On account of because I wanted to see you again.
Miss O'Shea, the construction on account of because outrages
every grammatical law.
So what?
I came on account of because I couldn't
stop thinking about you after you left my dressing room.
On account of because I thought you
were big, and cute, and pretty.
Pretty?
Yeah, I mean you.
Oh, maybe I'm just crazy.
But to me, you are a regular yum-yum type.
Yum-yum?
Yeah, don't you know what that means?
No. We never got to that.
Well, we got to it now, and I'm glad it's out.
I don't give a hoot whether the others went for me.
You are the one I'm wacky about.
just plain wacky.
Can you understand that?
Please, Miss O'Shea!
Oh, please nothing.
Maybe you can generate or whatever it is
for all that suppress business.
But I can't.
No, you're too tall.
Ha! - What are you doing?
Oh, you'll find out.
Those are Professor Gurkakoff's reference books.
Now, isn't that just too bad?
Oh, that's perfect. - What are you going to do?
Come here.
I'm going to show you what yum-yum is.
Here's yum.
And here's the other yum.
[music playing]
And here's yum-yum.
Excuse me.
Hey, where you going?
[music playing]
[door closes]
Did you see?
He practically stepped on my hand.
Three steps at a time!
Shot out of a gun!
But where is he going?
Why?
To get a razor strap, I hope.
And I hope he knows where to apply it.
[music playing]
Well, Professor Potts?
Oh, yes, Miss Bragg.
Will one of you call a taxi from the corner for Miss O'Shea.
Right away.
Thank you.
[music playing]
Fine business.
I beg your pardon?
What's the idea, your running out of money like that?
Nothing.
The last few minutes only confirmed my former decision.
Your further presence here would be fatal.
You must get me out of your mind,
just as I must get you out of this house.
Your hair's wet.
Well, never mind, please.
Well, it is wet.
Well, what of it?
Nothing.
I just happened to mention it. - Well, forget it, please.
OK. OK.
[music playing]
Now to get back to the subject under discussion.
Yeah.
It would be idle of me to deny that I too feel the affinity
that you mentioned a few minutes ago, very strongly.
After three years, when my work is finished,
perhaps we can take up where we left off.
In the meantime, I hope we can keep
up some sort of correspondence.
[music playing]
Would you, Miss-- Sugarpuss?
Oh, Pottsy.
I know that's the way I feel too, but it has to be.
Sugarpuss, before you go, would you--
would you yum me just once more?
It seems so unnecessary.
Yes.
Taxi's here.
I'll tell him.
Professor Potts, the taxi for that young woman is here.
The taxi!
Yes, what is it?
Taxi's here.
Taxi?
What taxi?
Miss O'Shea's or mine.
It's all yours, Crabapple Annie.
What is the delay, young man?
Deliver was promised for 10:00.
Sign here.
I trust that it's engraved correctly.
I guess so.
39.85, wasn't it?
Yeah.
Here's $40.
Keep the change.
You're sure the setting is solid gold?
Why, of course.
There was one $5 cheaper, but not nearly so handsome.
Let's see.
Yes, let's see.
No, no, it's wrapped so neatly, I hate t--
I'll take it, Miss Bragg.
Room service.
Now we've got room service.
I thought she might like this.
Thank you.
Oh, it's nothing, really.
Oh, be careful.
If I were the cream for that woman's coffee, I'd curdle.
I thought you meant to leave us in protest, Miss Bragg.
A nurse does not quit her post when
an epidemic reaches a crisis.
Come in.
Morning, Pottsy.
Good morning.
I brought your breakfast.
Good.
I'll have it right here in the snooze den.
Thank you.
How do you take it?
Oh, just jav, no cow.
Just what?
Black.
Oh, sugar?
Straight.
Toast?
No thanks.
You're sure you don't want some toast?
Uh-uh.
Well, here's some jam to go with it.
It's blackberry. - Mm-mm.
Never use it.
Not just one bite?
Uh-uh.
Sit down.
Take a load off your feet.
Say, I found out what's wrong with "on account of because."
It's saying the same thing twice.
You know, like calling somebody a rich millionaire.
You call it a plea--
no, ple--
Pleonasm?
Yes, that how you pronounce it?
That's it.
Who told you that?
Oh, this room is full of books about grammar.
I read for a couple of hours.
Well, I couldn't sleep either.
I walked in the park till the sun came up over E60.
It took me all that time to gather my thoughts,
to analyze my impulses, and clarify our relationship.
Have e got one of those?
It's a very important moment.
A new chapter.
In fact, for me, it's the first chapter.
For what has my life been up till now?
A Preface an empty forward.
You couldn't talk a little plainer, could you?
Not if you won't have a piece of toast.
At least just-- at least look under the lid.
Oh, you went and bought me a present.
I hope it fits.
Gurkakoff calculated the circumference of our finger.
I woke up the jeweler at 7:00 this morning.
It's a lovely ring, Pottsy, really, it is.
I hoped you'd like it.
It's our-- it's our engagement ring.
Pottsy, do you mean you--
Yes, I did.
I--
You mean you really--
Well?
What am I supposed to say?
Well, just say yes.
After you've declared your feelings,
it's the only logical step to take.
Oh.
Don't you think you better take another turn
around the park, Pottsy?
I'm just as surprised as you.
Marriage?
I thought I was married to my books.
The only thing I thought I could care for deeply
was a correctly constructed sentence
with a subject, predicate, adverbial clause,
each in its proper place.
And then you--
You see, I've had a rather curious life.
I graduated from Princeton when I was 13.
I recited "Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright" when I was a year old.
And before I was two, I could read fluently.
People like that just, well, you see, dust
just piles up on their hearts, and it
took you to blow it away.
Yeah, but I--
I didn't mean to blow it smack into your eyes.
Well, that's what happened.
Look.
Look inside the ring.
Oh, yeah, there's writing.
"Richard ill."
Who is "Richard ill?"
"Richard III."
Hm.
Act 1, scene 2, line 204.
There wasn't room for all the words.
What words?
Well, they go like this.
Quote, "look how this ring encompasseth thy finger.
Even so thy breast encloseth my poor heart, where both of them
for both of them are thine."
Unquote, I suppose.
I hope you don't think it's too corny.
[knocking on door]
Pottsy, I-- come in.
There is a telephone call for you.
For me?
We didn't want to interrupt, but the man on the wire
said it was from your daddy.
Daddy?
That's what he said.
Oh.
Oh, yes, daddy!
It's long distance.
Yeah, I'll get it!
How did it go, Potts?
She seemed quite overwhelmed.
That was to be expected.
You see, excuse me-- you see, the customary
procedure is to approach the parents
of the young lady first.
Yes, I realize that.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, Asthma, Sugie.
The boss wants to talk to you, only we're relaying
the call so it won't be traced.
Dig me?
Here she is, boss, ready?
OK, Sugie.
Don't use no names, though.
Oh boy, did you call at the right minute.
Where are you?
Some whistle snort in New Jersey.
Rancocas, it's called.
How you been, Sugie?
I hear you're hiding out with the seven dwarves.
Eight.
And it's kind of indicated I better get out of here quick.
Oh no, nothing like that.
It's just that one of the professors
got off the beam a little.
Yeah, a slight case of Andy Hardy.
Why don't you just take his umbrella
and whack him over the knuckles?
Well, everything's all set, babe.
The license comes through this afternoon.
I got a justice of the peace all lined up.
Yeah, that's what we're trying to figure
out, how to get you here.
No, I don't want you to take a train.
They'd spot you like a lead dime.
They'll be watching everything.
Holland Tunnel, Washington Bridge.
I don't even trust the highways.
I don't care if I have to hook a ride on a hearse.
I wanna get out of here.
I don't like it. I wanna blow.
[door closes]
I-- well, what other news is there, daddy?
Everything fine at home?
Is mom all right?
For Easter?
Well, I-- I don't know, daddy.
Just a minute.
I won't be long.
Just wait in the library.
Do you mind if I have a few words with your father?
Sure.
Um, daddy, this is the professor I was telling you about.
Mr. O'Shea, my name is Bertram Potts.
I judge your daughter has already
told you all of my aspirations in her regard.
Hey, are you crazy?
Oh, you're quite right, Mr. O'Shea.
It's inexcusable for one to introduce
oneself to one's future father-in-law
over the telephone.
But before even considering entrusting your daughter's
future happiness to my care, I'm sure you
want to know all about me.
Well, as character references, you
might get in touch with the head of the Rockefeller Foundation
and the president of Princeton, my own university.
Well, except for occasional trouble with my left sinus,
I am in excellent physical condition.
How's your digestion, son?
Good.
I draw a salary of $3,200 per year.
In the last election, I voted the straight Republican ticket.
Oh, that's fine.
That's fine.
I just had a brain flashback, Mary.
What did you say your first name is, son?
Bertram.
Well, Bertram, I don't know if Sugarpuss told you,
but she's our only child.
We kind of never figured on having a professor
in the family, but that's what she wants,
and that's fine with us.
I shall do everything I can, Mr. O'Shea, to make her happy.
Just one thing more, Bertram.
Mom is kind of an invalid.
Doesn't do any traveling, but it would just break her heart
not to see Sugarpuss married.
You understand, then?
Of course, sir.
My mother is dead, but I know it would have--
it would have made her happy to be present.
So suppose you just bring the kid right down here?
We want to see you, and let's have
the ceremony in our hometown.
Why, of course, Mr. O'Shea.
May I call you "father," Mr. O'Shea?
Thank you, father.
That was better than I hoped for.
Father wants to talk to you.
Well, Sugie, this solves your transportation.
That Jack was made to order.
Who's gonna stop the Rockefeller Foundation
at Princeton University?
And suppose you get a couple of the other old beavers
to come along in the car.
Maybe there's some other way.
I don't want to take them for that kind of a ride.
Oh, that's quite all right.
I'll take a couple of days off.
A good the idea!
Cut out the menkekes, Sugie.
This gets you to Rancocas.
Once you're here, we'll give the professor the boot, easy like,
where it won't blind him.
I don't want any discussions.
Just one thing.
Watch out for the Washington Bridge.
That will be swarming with cops.
Hello?
What's the matter, my dear?
Oh, he's always in such a rush.
Which is my great good fortune.
The sooner the better!
Gentlemen, I now have the honor to announce our betrothal.
Congratulations.
[chattering]
Please don't cry.
I'm very happy.
Can't help it.
Look, why don't you go upstairs and pack
my fiance's things for her?
Please.
I want to be an usher.
Oh, we'll all be ushers!
One kisses the bride.
May I?
We will all kiss the bride.
Of course.
May we?
Go ahead.
We are very happy.
We feel that you are marrying all of us a little.
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
We wish you every happiness, my dear.
All of us.
We're gonna get started this afternoon.
I better be going.
Well.
Kind of a cheesy picture of me, isn't it?
Recognizable, thank heaven.
Oh, wait a minute.
Get your things together and get down the backstairs,
before I call the police.
I've got something to say.
A gangster's moll thinking she'd
marry one of my professors.
Don't worry.
I'm not marrying any professor.
Certainly not!
I'm mink coat.
I'm no bungalow apron.
That's the guy I'm getting.
Pretty good getting for a gal that came up the hard way.
We'll have this room fumigated when you're out of it.
- Yeah, you ought to, I guess. - Let me pass!
Oh, no, no, no.
Any spilling that has to be done, I'll do.
But not yet.
Not while it would bug up everything.
If you think I'll hold my tongue--
Why don't you look at it this way, Braggo?
The harm's been done.
Potty's gonna wear his heart in a sling,
whether he finds out sooner or later.
Here or in New Jersey won't make any difference to him.
Only, New Jersey is a darn sight better for me.
Better for you.
Oh, no, no, no.
Why you, you! Open that door!
Oh no, I can't have you screaming.
Not now.
A piercing scream!
Sorry, Braggo.
What did you say?
What?
Oh, I was just running through the marriage service.
"To be my lawful wedded wife, for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer."
Please, Pottsy.
What?
Don't, please.
Oh.
You're-- you're very nervous, aren't you, darling?
It's been a very exciting day.
Oh, it's just this business of going to Jersey.
I mean, back home.
Every time I get to this old bridge,
I get worried for fear I might get stuck, not
be able to get back over again.
Oh, we'll bring you back.
Don't you be afraid.
OK, go ahead.
Hey.
Sorry, sorry!
You trying to play piggyback?
[grumbling]
I don't see any reason for sarcasm.
Neither do I.
Something wrong with your brakes, sonny?
I couldn't locate it for a moment there.
This is a rented car.
Got a driver's license?
I have, indeed.
1903.
This should have been renewed 20 times.
This is as far as you drive, brother.
Oh no, no.
But-- but officer, this is a wedding party.
A wedding party?
Are you the bridegroom?
I am.
Is this the bride?
Yes.
- Pardon me. - Officer, please.
What is it?
It's good luck to touch a bride,
and I got a promotion coming up.
Could you reciprocate by letting us proceed?
Yes, we'll drive very carefully.
Postponing a wedding is bad luck, you know, officer.
That's right.
Well, what are you waiting for?
Get going!
Thank you.
What a very nice, gentleman.
All that nonsense with my driving license.
With that license, I once drove President Theodore Roosevelt.
And he pronounced my driving bully!
[horn honking]
Look out, look out!
Give a kick
[phone ringing]
[knocking on door]
Help, help!
Police, police!
Help, help!
Huh?
How's that, operator?
No answer.
Jam it.
[phone ringing]
Huh?
All right, I didn't mean to say it.
I'm sorry.
Hey, wait a minute.
There's a car driving up now.
[phone ringing]
Listen, sister, I said I was sorry.
What do you want me to do, send you a bouquet of flo--
Oh, it's you.
Wait a minute.
It's Sugarpuss.
Sugie, say, what the sweet Judas gives?
Where are you?
We're not down here to enjoy ourselves.
This is a wedding.
What?
They had an accident.
Nothing serious.
No, it just shook the old boys up a little.
I couldn't get to a phone before.
I don't know.
Some little hotel near Kingston.
Poplar Grove, it's called.
Yeah.
Oh sure, Joe.
There's a midnight bus.
I can grab that.
Midnight bus?
What are you talking about.
I'll have Asthma and Pastrami pick
you up in about 40 minutes.
Sure, tonight.
I got a justice of the peace on call.
There'll be a justice of the peace tomorrow.
Now, why not do this thing right?
I want to wait till the old boys go to bed.
I can't walk out on them cold.
Maybe you'd like to sit down and knit 'em eight little
sweaters to remember you by.
I've told you how it's going to be.
Now stop barking orders.
So long.
Get the car ready.
I could prove to you by the laws of relativity
that it was not I who ran into the signpost,
but that it was the signpost which ran--
Oh, that's all right.
Go ahead, sit down.
But that it was the signpost which ran into me.
Oh!
Let me explain.
If you do, by that same law, your head
will run into this pottery.
Before you do that, I'd like a drink, please.
Yes, by all means.
Excuse me.
No, I think I'll hit the hay, get some sleep.
Why? The evening's young yet.
Oh no. I don't belong here.
This is a bachelor dinner.
This one is different.
No, that's the law.
We've heard from the garage.
The car will be ready in the morning.
Perhaps it will hold together until Rancocas.
Then we'll be leaving early.
After issuing an urgent appeal to
all signposts not to charge at us.
That's right.
What time shall we wake you?
About 7:30?
Oh, I'll be awake, all right.
Well, kids, here's to you.
Here's to you, Sugarpuss.
Here's to all of us.
Yes, to us all.
Pottsy, I-- you know, you boys still have time to warn him.
The man is a goof to marry any women.
Just let them try.
He'll have to console us that there aren't
seven more just like you.
Yeah, one for each of us.
Of assorted ages.
Naturally.
I-- Well, I'd like to keep you all in a locket always.
Eight squirrely cherubs right out of this world.
Bye, kids.
Good night.
Good night, my child.
Good night.
Did you hear, Potts?
I'm a squirrely cherub.
No, no, no, no.
No, I insist the happiest marriages are those which
produce three children at intervals of not less than two
or more than three years.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.
You are all speaking very glibly about a subject of which
you know practically nothing.
If you feel the need of any guidance,
may I suggest that you turn to me?
Oh, that's right.
You were married, weren't you?
Oh, yes.
Genevieve has been dead for some 24 years,
but I have relived every moment of our happiness so many times.
And my experience is entirely at your disposal, Bertram.
Thank you, Oddly, but I really--
I judge I do not have to start with basic principles.
Being-- being a botanist, I find an astonishing parallel
between a woman's heart and the windflower, or anemone
nemorosa.
Perhaps you know the plant, how it
waits for the warmest sunshine and soft winds before it--
it unfolds its petals.
Sensitive and delicate, one rough,
impetuous bee can completely destroy the bloom.
Oh, come out of the garden, will you, Oddly?
Have a heart.
Please, please, Bertram, think of me
as an elder brother or father, anxious to send you off
properly.
We all are, of course.
Now, tenderness, that is what I have advocate.
Tenderness and patience.
Genevieve was a watercolorist.
Therefore, after the wedding reception
we went straight to the Catskills.
We spent there a beautiful week filled with promise,
and returned to New York with 14 excellent watercolors.
14 watercolors.
Back in New York, I flung my enthusiasm
into preparing a lecture, the flora of the Catskills,
whilst Genevieve painted a flight of swallows
around the walls of our living room.
Ah, me.
I remember for three months every time
I bade her good night, I would kiss
the palm of her little hand, her astonished at my own boldness.
What did you say the name of the flower was?
Anemone nemorosa, of the buttercup family.
Genevieve was a blonde.
Here is a lock of her hair.
Very lovely.
Yes, I remember it used to shine a great deal.
And there was a song at that time everyone sang.
Unfortunately, I can never carry a tune.
[humming]
That's it.
Please, sing it all.
O Genevieve.
Does anyone else know it?
Sweet Genevieve, the days may come.
The days may go.
But still the hands of memory weave the blissful dreams
of long ago.
Please, sing it again.
O Genevieve, sweet Genevieve.
The days may come.
The days may go.
But still the hands of memory weave the blissful dreams
of long ago.
Please, go on.
O Genevieve, sweet Genevieve.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
The days may come.
The days may go.
But still the hands of memory weave the blissful dreams
of long ago.
Good boy.
[singing]
Robinson, what did you make of what Oddly was saying?
Don't ask me, Potts.
He's the expert.
What his bungalow number?
I don't know.
Ask Peagram.
Peagram, what's the number of Oddly's bungalow?
He's in six.
[singing]
Oddly?
I'm sorry, Oddly, but I've got to talk this out.
I must get this off my chest before it stifles me.
If you don't mind, we won't turn on the light
while we're discussing these things extremely personal.
What you said, I recognize the beauty
and delicacy of the relationship you describe, but I'm--
I don't trust myself.
I'm afraid I'm a lot bolder than you are, Oddly.
You don't think that would necessarily
endanger everything, do you?
Why, the The idea that I should have to spend my honeymoon
watching her paint in watercolors,
just because she's like somebody from the buttercup family.
I-- I'm a man in love.
It's the first time in my life.
I want to take her in my arms.
I thought because I was young I had self control,
but that's not true.
I think of her every waking moment.
Why, if this marriage had been delayed--
I mean should have been delayed--
I mean should be.
Listen to that.
Oddly, I don't know my tenses anymore.
I've gone goofy, completely goofy, bimbuggy, slaphappy.
Can a man like that keep his mind on the anemone nemorosa?
Pottsy.
What in--
I'm-- I'm sorry.
I don't know how I could have made such a mistake.
To say such things to a woman, you'll-- you'll have
to forgive me.
Oh, don't apologize, Pottsy.
It-- it was illuminating.
MAN: Professor Potts.
Um, somebody is calling me.
Are they?
Maybe it's just as well.
MAN: Professor Potts.
MAN: Professor Potts!
But I'll be back.
Were you calling me?
Yes, we were.
Something has come up.
Yes, well.
Well, what?
Well, I-- you had better tell him, Martin.
Maybe he-- he'd better tell him.
Yes.
Who?
Potts, The there's--
there's a gentleman.
There's a man.
Four men, four men inside.
Yes.
Yes, they'll tell you.
Yeah.
Well, what-- what--
So you're the bridegroom?
Yes, this is Professor Potts.
How are you, Bertram?
I thought you'd look like these other squats,
only with a beard and pea soup on it.
Well, what about me evoked this interest on your part?
Sounds like it was engraved, don't it?
Yeah.
What is this all about?
It's about Sugarpuss.
Perhaps if we talked to him--
There's been too many detours as is.
Maybe you recognize my voice, Bertram.
Do you?
How's your sinus?
You're not her father.
You're getting warm.
I'm her daddy.
[laughter]
Shut up.
I believe I'm entitled to some clarification.
So am I. Lipstick.
What are you doing?
[shouting]
All right, take it easy.
Calm down now, wimpy.
It's OK.
You know, I was kind of counting on Sugarpuss
to tell you the score.
Trouble is, she's all right giving out with the twists
and the wisecracks.
When it comes to leveling off. she gets chicken.
He's trying to say that our wedding trip
was nothing but a vast lie.
A vast lie.
Don't you believe it, Bertram.
There's going to be a wedding, all right,
with Sugarpuss the bride.
Only, I'm the bridegroom.
[laughter]
Shake it off.
I certainly do appreciate the way
you guys delivered a hot cargo.
She was to be handled with care.
Potts, it seems that your bride-to-be--
His bride?
That's a laugh.
It seems that Sugarpuss has used
us to circumvent the police.
We, serving as protective coloration.
Yes.
I don't believe it.
Professor, you really thought she
was going to marry you with your 3,000 what was it a year?
She spends that much for having her toenails painted.
She sulks if she has to wear last year's ermine.
You don't believe it.
Look at him.
All right, suppose you go tell Sugarpuss daddy's here.
Joe Lilac's the name.
Professor Potts, Professor Potts!
Why, Miss Bragg.
Is it too late?
Have you married that girl?
She knocked me out.
Nine hours in a closet.
Something told me all along.
Hold the phone, sister.
We traced her through your accident.
There's a warrant from the DA's office
for this girlfriend of Lilac's.
Where is she?
There's a Mr. Lilac waiting for you.
Yeah.
The situation has been explained
to me in simple terms.
You don't have to worry about the police.
I told them you and he left a half hour ago.
Probably were in Trenton by now.
Thanks, Pottsy.
Thanks?
For what?
You've given us all a fine course in the theory
and practice of being a sucker.
It was a very small tuition fee.
Perhaps it wasn't quite worthy of you,
choosing us as subjects of your demonstration.
Eight pushovers.
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
I-- I didn't want you to get it this way.
Not right in the face.
I've been-- I've been sitting here, trying to write you
a letter.
Here are all my excuses.
The handwriting of a--
what would be your word for it?
A tramp.
[sob]
- Good morning, Miss Bragg. - Good morning.
- Good morning, gentlemen. - Morning.
What about some nice hot breakfast?
I made some Parker House rolls.
No, thank you.
Even have some jam.
Strawberry jam, Professor Oddly?
Thank you, Miss Bragg, but I don't think so.
Nobody wants any breakfast?
No, thank you.
Why?
What?
Very well.
[music playing]
Gentlemen, just a moment, please.
Before we attempt to get back to work,
I'd like to say a few words.
You've been very kind and very tactful.
If I may say so, over-tactful.
The entire ride home in the car you avoided a certain subject,
made empty conversation.
Now, let's have it out.
I made an ass of myself, and I know it.
Oh well, we all have, Potts.
Yes, but I was the lead donkey.
Well, why not just regard the episode
as a prolonged constitution?
[chattering]
Thank you.
What happened to our emotions can't be undone.
What happened to our work must be remedied.
I'm sorry, but because of me we must
work two extra hours a day.
In a month, we'll be back on schedule.
Now, we are all scholars.
Let us withdraw behind our wall of books.
And may her name never be brought up in this house again.
We didn't mention it, Potts.
Not even by omitting it so obviously.
Excuse me, Bertram, but well, now that we
are burying her memory, I--
I feel it only fair.
You see, she-- she gave me something for you.
I found her crying in her bungalow,
and she slipped your ring into my pocket.
Put it in the waste basket, please, Oddly.
Just a moment, just a moment.
Is this your ring, Potts?
That for 39.85?
Doesn't look like it.
Why, no, it is not.
Are you sure?
Positive.
Because if this is the one she gave back to you
and not the one you gave her, it's enormously interesting.
What do you mean?
Why, how so?
Potts, She loves you.
Well, how can you say that?
Please, and please, she happened to pull
that one off by mistake.
Not according to Professor Freud.
- Freud? - Where does he come in?
The subconscious mind never makes mistakes.
She gave you the ring she didn't want--
his ring.
And she kept the one she wanted--
yours.
[all murmuring]
Bosh and nonsense.
I agree with Miss Bragg.
I refuse to be coddled with a lot
of psychoanalytical nonsense.
As one who understands a woman's heart, I would like--
[all murmuring]
[footsteps]
Good morning.
Quite an eventful night last night, gentlemen.
At least so we see by the papers.
Well, we are quite fresh this morning,
however, and we are going back to work with a will.
Yes, indeed.
There's no hurry about that, not any longer.
We've had quite enough of your activities.
It has cost the estate some $300,000
to at last have its names spread across tabloid in New York.
"Nightclub babe hides out in Totten Foundation."
And this one.
Yes.
"Professor Bridegroom carries ball of fire
across state lines." - Oh, that's dreadful.
And many others like it.
For my father, I feel profound humiliation.
For myself, unutterable disgust.
Shall I go ahead?
Please.
For the aforesaid reasons, Miss Totten
has decided to discontinue the encyclopedia.
What?
How soon can you vacate?
After nine years?
Expelled in disgrace?
Pull the chair from under us?
Thrown like eight old shoes?
I'm sorry, gentlemen, but my mind's made up.
Go ahead, Mr. Larsen.
Several real estate firms are interested in this property.
One of the companies wants to erect an apartment house here,
giving you--
Whoa, please don't do that.
I'm sorry.
One word, Miss Totten, may I?
In your very understandable excitement,
a great injustice is being done.
I am the guilty one, and I accept
my dishonorable discharge without protest.
But that others should-- should suffer
and be punished for my-- my-- my misconduct is unthinkable.
[glass shatters]
Goodness, goodness, what was that?
Good morning.
Everybody line up over there, like for a photograph.
With you, Bertram, in the foreground.
Come on, get going.
Get going.
Go on, faster.
Keep moving.
Saint Valentine's Day!
Is the bride ready yet?
No, not yet.
What?
Louder, please.
We're still talking it over.
Good idea.
Important step.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?
For lunch.
Five minutes late.
Well, when are you going to be back?
After I've ate and had my nap.
How long are we gonna argue this?
Now, look, Sugie--
I said no.
And no is no.
Sugie, when I was nine years old,
I was in love with my piano teacher.
She played classical.
You're not nine years old.
I love him.
She loves him.
Yes, I love him.
I love those hick shirts he wears with the boiled cuffs,
and the way he always has his vest buttoned wrong.
He looks like a giraffe, and I love him.
I love him because he's the kind of a guy that gets
drunk on a glass of buttermilk.
And I love the way he blushes right up over his ears.
I love him because he doesn't know how to kiss, the jerk.
I love him, Joe.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I'll never see him again.
But I'm not gonna marry you.
Not if you tie a ton of cement around my neck
and throw me into the East River,
like you did all the others.
I tell you, Joe was framed.
Oh, sure, sure.
So you tell me.
I know better now.
I guess she'd better talk to her professor.
Get him on the phone.
You leave him out of this!
Imagine that big giraffe at the bottom of the East River.
You wouldn't like that to happen to him, would you, Sugarpuss?
That ain't funny, McGee.
Who said it's funny?
I mean business.
New York.
That is, if you don't say "I do," like a nice little bride.
Uh-uh.
I kind of figured you'd bumped your brains
into one of them pink clouds.
You can't do this, Joe.
It's too late, Sugie.
The pressure's on already.
What is this, putting the screws on me?
You said it.
And right where it'll do the most good.
Neighborhood of the heart.
Hello?
This is McNeary.
Hang on.
Here you are.
You take it.
Hello?
Hello, Sugie.
Sure, it's Pastrami.
Oh, just dropped in on the boys, Asthma and me
with our little old typewriters.
Oh, that's up to the boss.
We're waiting for orders.
For orders?
Can we make a deal now, Sugie?
Sure we can, brother rat.
Put him on, Pastrami.
Just a word.
Would you mind stepping to the phone, Professor Potts?
A lady friend of yours.
I have nothing to say to Miss O'Shea.
Oh.
Oh, please, please!
You haven't?
Just a moment.
Oh, this is awful.
Yesterday, a nightclub--
Shut your clam, sister.
Hello.
Yes, Miss O'Shea.
This is Professor Potts.
Your friends are here.
Not at all.
Your methods are familiar by now.
I don't know the exact purpose of this maneuver, what more
can be gained from us, but I hope that it
works to your advantage.
I'm sorry, Pottsy, but it'll be all right in a little while.
It won't hurt anybody.
Just-- just don't do anything foolish.
Promise me, Pottsy.
Give it.
OK, Bertram, put pastrami back on.
I imagine he wants to talk to you.
Yes, boss?
OK, we'll wait for the call.
And best wishes, boss.
Congratulations.
Well, all we have to do is to wait for the all clear signal.
We'll dismiss the class right after the ceremony.
Did you say, after the ceremony?
That's what I said.
You mean they're-- they're not married yet?
Why do you think we're futzing around with these?
Well, I don't know.
I thought that--
A little trouble with Sugarpuss's vocal chords.
Wouldn't say yes.
She wouldn't say yes?
Why-- why, you very ugly young man.
You know, to me, at this moment, you look perfectly delightful.
- Huh? - I mean, absolutely beautiful.
- I what? - Positively wonderful.
- Are you nuts? - Why, no.
I feel-- I feel like yodeling.
Woo!
Yodel-a-- Ahem.
Doctor.
Pardon me.
Dr. Gurkakoff.
My apologies to Professor Freud.
Thank you.
But you don't understand.
This visit is no longer a mystery.
Apparently, it requires those two guns leveled on us to force
Sugarpuss to marry Mr. Lilac.
Oh!
You mean to say that--
Well, yes.
Why, that explains everything.
Break it up, break it up.
We can't allow that.
- No, no, indeed. - Can it, Al.
What do you think we're here for?
Young man, you see, we all love
this young lady very dearly.
Better look out.
It's gonna spit.
What is going-- oh dear.
Now, sit down.
All of you sit down!
[stuttering]
Hah.
Don't look so big now, them eight big brains.
Not to me, they don't.
You are under the impression that you are big because you
have those firearms, because you know how to load
them and pull the trigger.
It would be interesting to teach them the contrary--
Button it up.
Understand?
Hey, fellas.
This won't take a second.
They're pulling a double or nothing on that quizzola.
Three new questions.
First, the Sword of Damocles.
Was that a-- say, was you holding a meeting or something?
More like a wake, maybe.
Oh, excuse me.
Just a minute, Jack.
We got a loge seat for you right in the back row.
This way, please.
That's right.
ASTHMA: Now, sit down.
Young man, your question--
you don't mind if we talk, do you?
Just keep it funny.
Thank you.
Your question as you came in was about the Sword of Damocles,
I believe.
Yeah, but I'd just as soon skip it.
No, but it's a very interesting subject.
Never mind.
Yes, but I do mind.
I just wanted to tell you that the Sword of Damocles
was suspended over his head.
Yes, by a single hair.
Exactly.
Did you hear that, Robinson?
Suspended over his head by a single hair,
a constant source of danger.
Mr. Pastrami, you know your history, don't you?
It's not one of my best points.
I never went in for that kind of stuff.
At least, not very much.
Well, I thought I'd just ask--
A very interesting lesson, indeed.
Yes.
Yes, indeed.
I've always found it a most absorbing subject.
But Mr. Totten is not suspended by a hair.
Shh!
Uh-uh.
No secrets, boys.
Talk upstairs.
Yes, I thought you'd see it.
Don't you agree, Dr. Gurkakoff?
What did you say?
I said, don't you agree?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Danger very often overhangs the unsuspecting.
What kind of jive is that?
If you're gonna talk, talk so we can dig it.
Oh, I'm sorry.
We'll-- we'll try.
Dr. Gurkakoff?
Yeah?
What was that about the Roman fleet and Archimedes?
I-- I don't remember.
You know, it's not exactly--
Why, he set it afire with the use of reflectors.
You can talk just as well sitting down, can't you?
Yes, yes.
POTTS: I find that vastly instructive.
Don't you, Dr. Gurkakoff?
Extremely enlightening.
Potts, you were saying?
Yes.
Now, if I-- may I stand?
Sure, if it's gonna help.
Thank you.
It will, a lot.
Now, if I may have your attention for a few moments,
gentlemen, you see, your inferiority
is a question of the bony structure of your skulls.
What's the matter with our skulls?
Well, now, just listen, please.
Let us take the glandular syncopation of your eyes.
Kindly look at me, both of you.
It's very important.
They are the doliocephalic and the brachiocephalic
with a somewhat Mediterranean estrafuge.
Now, try to follow me closely.
Now the double smorgasbord of your chins,
for instance, convexing into the cataclysmic protoplasm--
am I boring you?
I don't get it.
Now, the latest centrifugal research
as performed by Bronxville scientists
has proven a syllogism is enigmatic to prolonged
resistance, especially in the cavalry.
Now, take your ears.
The totalitarian mastoid of their basic lobes
prematurely extricated from the paranoic agriculture
and molecular cadenzas.
Get down to it.
What's wrong with us?
Well, nothing.
You're just fine.
Everything's fine.
Now, on the one hand, we have the Sword of Damocles.
And on the other hand, we have--
Professor Quintana, will you look up something in Tate's
"Oriental Philosophy" for me?
I think I saw it last on your desk.
Yes, yes.
Line one, chapter seven.
Yes.
Do you-- do you mind?
Hey, this mixed up talk is giving me a headache.
All the book talk, that's a lot of mahaha.
I sure you, this is not a lot of mahaha.
This is--
I'll show you what makes the world go round.
Kind of spread out a little bit, will you?
Na, na, na!
Oh, my globe, my globe!
Me, I don't like globes.
Now me.
I saw me a picture last week.
Gonna be a lot of trash tomorrow, sister.
If there is any tomorrow, brother.
[laughter]
Say, ain't there some more of them things around?
Well, don't get up, please.
Just, please--
What's the matter with all of you?
Well, we thought that--
man.
PASTRAMI: What do you want?
Do you think you could show this dime if I
held it between my fingers?
Why, sure.
I mean--
I mean, from where you were sitting.
OK.
All right.
Put it up.
Perhaps we'd better use a quarter.
Well, that's twice as easy.
Oh, I'm glad.
Or maybe even a $0.50 piece?
He's not as dumb as he looks.
Has anyone change for $1?
Never mind, never mind.
A quarter will do.
Put it up.
No, no, I can get change.
Never mind.
Put it up.
Get his gun!
Get his gun, get his gun!
[crowd shouting excitedly]
Get his gun!
Get his gun quickly!
Hold him, hold him!
I've got him!
I grabbed him first.
New Jersey?
That's an awful big order.
Whereabouts in Jersey?
You just keep on driving.
Further orders will be forthcoming.
I warned you, Miss Totten, you should never have come along.
It may be very dangerous.
This is my encyclopedia, and I'm going to stick with it.
I've never had so much fun in my life.
[honking]
How are they doing inside?
Are we ready?
Shall we start the torture now?
Just one moment.
First, we're going to give him just one chance to talk.
Where is that ceremony taking place?
Listen, lunky.
I've been given a third degree by all kinds of cops all over.
But not by us.
You will see, I am an authority on Chinese tortures.
Look out, that tickles!
Are you ready, Gurkakoff?
That's right.
Now between the 12th and 13th vertebra.
No, no, no!
Hold his head down!
[laughing]
Hey, cut it out!
Stop it, will you?
PASTRAMI: No, no, no, no!
ASTHMA: Will cut it out?
Stop it!
No, no!
Around and around, around and around!
[laughing]
All right!
All right, I'll talk.
I'll talk.
They're-- they're in Fulham, New Jersey.
Fulham, New Jersey!
Fulham, New Jersey.
Shortest route, Bloomfield, Pine Brook, Pine Hills, Allamuchy.
Now, repeat after me.
"I, Joseph Lilac."
I, Joseph Lilac.
Loud, please.
I, Joseph Lilac!
Head of Murder Incorporated.
"Take thee, Katherine O'Shea."
Take thee, Katherine O'Shea.
Who hates and despises you.
"To be my lawful wedded wife."
To be my lawful wedded wife.
"For better or for worse."
For better or for worse.
For worse.
"For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."
For rich or for poorer, in sickness and in health.
I'm sick right now.
- Cut it out. - What?
Never mind. Keep going.
Huh?
Keep going!
"To love and to cherish until death do us part."
They'll put you in the chair and fry you like--
And now repeat after me, "I, Katherine O'Shea."
[singing]
I said, repeat after me.
"I, Katherine O'Shea."
Now, come on, come on, Sugie.
It's just the paraders.
Is it?
Just wait and see!
What is this?
I believe--
I think it is known as an up-stick.
A stick-up!
Put 'em up!
Hold up your hands!
Hold 'em up!
Back door.
Don't do that!
I didn't mean it.
Hold 'em up there.
Hold 'em up.
I mean it.
Come on now, put 'em up.
Put 'em up. Put 'em up.
I mean it.
Get his gun, get his gun!
All right, Joe, put up your dukes.
OK, Bertram.
Come on, Bertram.
[siren wailing]
[shouting]
This load of garbage goes to the DA's office.
Something must have went wrong, boss.
Listen, you squirrely cherubs, you eight wise idiots,
it wouldn't work!
Remember, Pottsy, no women aboard.
And now, above all women, you wanna
take a dizzy dame like me.
If you'd allow me, I can prove to you
the inevitability of this step by higher mathematics.
I can cite examples from history.
Or from geography, two rivers converging irresistibly.
Yes, indeed.
I can prove by examples in literature.
Physiology.
By law.
All of them.
Gentlemen, as a grammarian, I know
when words cease to be of use.
There remains one argument.
Come here, dear.
Oh no, please, Pottsy
POTTS: Get up, darling.
But Pottsy, it isn't fair.
It isn't?
No, it isn't fair.
Oh my goodness.
Bertram, remember the anemone nemorosa--
Shh!
[click]
[music playing]