Good.
Bell... bell! - Get out of here.
Tastes like old chicken wire.
Yes, but you've taken off 20 pounds.
Au revoir.
Oh! How is he this morning?
Tolerably well. He says his liver's acting up a bit, but, you know.
Ah, good morning. And how is poor, dear Mr. Kidley?
His gall bladder spent a rather peaceful night.
Ah, that's good. That's good. Splendid. Splendid.
However, he complains of a shooting pain in his sacroiliac.
Oh, good morning. Isn't he the Kidley of Kidley's Korn Plasters?
Kidley's Beans, madam, if you don't mind.
Oh. I ate some once. Very tasty.
Thank you, madam.
Ah, Jeepers. Good morning.
How is Mr. Kidley this morning?
Up and down-ish, thank you, sir.
His liver was a bit squeamish during the night. That's nice.
Did he invent the Kidley Bean?
His grandfather did, madam.
I understand Mr. Kidley inherited quite a little money.
$20 Million, madam. I shouldn't call that "a little."
Please, please. Yes!
Ladies, ladies, please, please.
This is for Mr. Kidley.
Is that you, Jeepers? - Yes, sir.
Oh, Jeepers, I'm a very sick man.
Very sick.
Will you take that?
Oh, it's terrible.
Normal, sir. Oh, but it can't be!
Ninety-eight and six-tenths, sir, right on the nose.
Oh, that thing's broken again.
If I may say so, sir, it's all poppycock.
You're as healthy as a fire horse.
Oh! Oh, is that so?
Well, why do you think I came to Switzerland to yodel?
And how about yesterday?
That dizzy spell when I fell downstairs? You saw me yourself.
Anyone would fall downstairs, sir.
Eight aspirins before breakfast.
Well, now, don't quibble. If you had what I've got...
- What have you got, sir? - Well, l...
Well, you wait till I see Dr. Schmidt this afternoon.
He'll tell you what I've got. Dr. Schmidt!
Yes. Dr. Schmidt is the biggest stomach man in Europe.
Very well, sir. Whatever he says goes.
You're not getting a chill, sir?
No. I forgot to shake the bottle.
Don't let me forget that, Jeepers.
And here, give me my bad gas water.
Oh!
There. An ice bag and a hot water bottle, right away.
Oh, not to bed again, sir.
It... It's all sunshiny outside, sir! The birds are singing!
Oh, shut the window! I hate 'em!
And besides, they're off-key.
Close 'em out.
Mr. Kidley staying here? Yes, madam.
Rooms 201, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7.
Get out, Hannah. This is it. Okeydokey.
Oh, sir! Sir!
It's her, sir. It's she!
She's here, sir. Sir, she's here!
Jeepers, this is no time for your romances.
Get the ice bag and cool off. But sir!
Sir, she's here!
The-The-The one from St. Moritz. The one with four names.
Marko? She's here? That's it. Yes. Yes.
Mrs. Jones-DeBaupre- Ivansoff-Marko, sir.
She's followed us. Well, where is she? I don't see her.
She's in this hotel, sir. In the hotel? Oh, Jeepers, I'm cursed.
Every time a woman finds out I've got $20 million and bad health...
she falls in love with me.
The butterflies were easy to brush off, sir, but this one's a black widow.
Well, don't stand there. Do something!
Tell her I died. Anything!
I knew it was a mistake to encourage her, sir.
I did not. It was an accident.
Room 312 and 412. Anybody can get off at the wrong floor.
Well, answer the door. No, don't answer the door!
Lock it! Lock it! Jeepers!
Don't stand...
John!
Well, Mrs. Marko!
Well, what happy wind blows you to Bad Gaswasser?
Never mind that. What happy wind blew you out of St. Moritz?
Well, you see, I, uh... There was a train, and then, uh...
there was a doctor, and he told me that...
That l... Well, I mean... Didn't I, Jeepers?
Oh, absolutely, Mrs. Marko. Will you get out?
Yes, ma'am. No, not you. I mean this-this Creepers.
Jeepers!
We'll get rid of him. Oh, sure, we... Huh?
- After we're married. - Oh, uh...
Yeah. Yeah. But I understood... I mean, what about your husband?
Pierre? Oh, we won't have to worry about Pierre.
Oh, we won't? Well! Well...
John, it was fate.
Everything was settled that wonderful night you danced with me.
I knew how you felt when you held me close...
and whispered, "You, you, it's got to be you."
Yes, but that was a song, Mrs. Marko.
? You, you It's gotta be you?
? You wonderful you No one but you?
Don't you remember? I remember.
Darling, of course it's going to be me. Oh.
And then you remember later, when you... Oh, did I?
Well, that was the elevator.
You see, l-I just went, and I got off. It'll happen.
John, do you know what first attracted me to you?
Yeah, well, I guess you had 20 million reasons, eh, Mrs. Marko?
You're the only one in the whole world who believes in me.
The others are always pointing accusing fingers, just because of DeBaupre.
DeBaupre? Yes. He was the one before Pierre.
- Oh, he's the one they said you shot. - It's not true!
- It's a wicked, slanderous lie! - Oh, I should say it is.
Just because you were there and there were holes in him, Mrs. Marko...
is no reason why people should...
I was acquitted. Just because I'm impulsive and quick tempered, people talk.
Yes, and with you being an Olympic pistol champion...
You too! Oh, pardon me.
John, what you just said is what the police said.
You don't dare to think that l... Why, no, Mrs. Marko.
I think you're as innocent as a child... a small child. Way down...
We're going to be very happy together.
- Don't you think so, John? - You're the type of woman I admire.
I'd marry you just like that, if it weren't for...
If it weren't for what? Well, if it weren't for your present husband, Mr. Marko.
Oh. I thought I told you.
Oh, poor Pierre!
Yes, poor Pierre. L...
"Poor Pierre"? What happened to him?
He fell off the Matterhorn.
Oh, that's too... That's a mountain!
Thirteen thousand, six hundred and sixty-nine feet.
He was never found.
Did they look? Were you there, Mrs. Marko?
Oh, I saw it all. It was horrible.
Why, when it happened, l-I wasn't a foot behind him. Think of that.
I'll bet you could have reached right out...
and touched him, eh, Mrs. Marko? Easily.
Seven years. Seven years.
That's how long we'll have to wait, Mrs. Marko.
When a husband disappears, you have to wait seven years.
Not in mountain climbing. I'd be willing to bet.
Oh, you'd lose. I stopped in Geneva to find out.
I had the same lawyers as the League of Nations.
Oh. I'm entirely free.
Oh, well, Mrs. Marko, you wouldn't want to marry me.
I'm a hopeless invalid. I'm liable to die, just like that.
You mistrust me! You act as though you don't want to marry me.
Why, I've told everyone I came here to...
Shh! Don't.
Oh, I must control myself. I mustn't lose my temper.
No, no. Don't do that! No! Uh, oh.
You do intend to marry me, don't you, John? Why...
Well, uh, l-l...
Let...
I'll get it.
You do...
don't you, John?
Oh, sure. No other thought ever entered my mind, Mrs. Marko.
Then that's settled.
I'll go and change. Yes.
And then we'll set the date.
Date.
Jeepers!
I gathered from what I overheard, sir...
that we're in a slight miasma, sir.
Miasma is right.
I should advise a firm stand.
I had a brother-in-law... since deceased...
who sponged lions for a living, sir.
He always said... Oh, shut up, Jeepers!
Feel my pulse. It's doing that again.
One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.
Waltzing? Yes, sir.
I'd better drop down to the chemist's, sir, and get your acidity test.
Oh, yes. Good. I'll meet you at Dr. Schmidt's.
And as for Mrs. Marko, I should tell her to go fry an egg.
Yeah, and get shot down like a clay pigeon.
"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the hero dies but once."
Do hurry, Marjorie.
Oh, yes, but these lovely little fish!
Doesn't it frighten the fish?
Not at all, madam. They grow to love it.
The acidity test for Mr. Kidley, please. Of course.
What does it do? Just one moment, madam, please.
Knoodle, Kneck, Kipper, Kidley. Ah. Here we are.
Ah, now I remember what I want... Corn plasters.
But the gentleman was... Oh, but I was here first.
Excuse, please. Now, these we recommend.
That will be two samelkas, please.
Here you are. And ten samelkas.
Two samelkas. Thank you.
I've been waiting here for the analysis for Kipper.
He's been a little bit off color lately. Haven't you, Kipper?
Oh, poor little poochie-woochie.
Why, you nasty little dog, you!
The name was Kipper, wasn't it?
Ja, Kipper. Ja, ja, ja, ja. Uh, Kidley...
Kornbostle, Kreutzenheimer.
I was certain that was here a moment ago.
Knoodle, Kneck, Kidley, Kornbostle.
I can't understand it.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Good. Very good.
Yeah, but Doctor, I'm worried about those three white spots.
I am not worried about them. You're not?
No. They are the buttons on your under trousers.
Oh. That is all.
Step out.
Here, Maria.
Mr. Kidley's acidity test. Here I am, sir.
Ah. Here we are.
I have very much expect this...
But this is marvelous! What is it, Doc?
You've got 162 acidity... three times normal!
Oh, well that's fine. That's great. Or is it?
Is it? My friend, with your acidity, you can digest bones.
You mean bones? But I don't like bones.
You not only can, but you will...
your bones and everything else.
You will completely digest yourself.
W-W... You-You mean I'm...
I'm gonna pass away? Pass away?
You will disappear!
Thinner and thinner, smaller and smaller...
until finally... pfft! Pfft?
Now I know what is the matter with you.
You have got Acidatus Canis... the acidity of a dog.
A dog? It is very, very rare. Oh, very rare.
Not once in 700 years does it turn up.
Acidity. Acid mouth.
Acidity... Ah! Here we are.
"The last case was a Greek shepherd boy.
His name was Peropilis."
Well, what happened to him? Unfortunately, nobody knows.
"On the last day, he went out with his sheep...
Yes? And they found only his footprints."
Yeah, well, look, Doc. I mean, how long have I got?
Oh, ten, twenty, maybe thirty days.
D-Days? Oh!
But why should you care? In the history of medicine, you will live forever.
You are the first human dog.
L-I'm...
What was that?
Ah. Erno.
Jeepers!
Doc! Doc! Never mind writing me up. What I want to know is...
Look, Erno. The body is still round and fat.
The face is still smooth.
But in the eyes already show the ravages of-of...
We've got to give it a name.
I'll call it "Schmidt's Disease."
After you? After me.
Down the centuries, students will read of this.
Side by side we will live through all eternity...
Schmidt and his disease.
We must send it to the journal. Oh, yes.
All the newspapers. The whole world.
Doc, look! Look, Doc. It's started already.
I'm shrinking! L... l...
That is my hat. Oh.
If I may say so, sir, I don't think you put up much of a fight.
Jeepers, you talk like a fool.
Have you ever seen Mrs. Marko at target practice?
Why, she can shoot the head off a pin at 100 yards.
But didn't you tell her, sir, that you only had 30 days to live?
Yeah. That was my fatal mistake.
Three minutes after I told her, she had me signing on a lot of dotted lines.
I'll fix it with flowers, and it will look beautiful.
All right. Now, what about the time?
I can push you in and your gentleman at 3:30.
Oh, couldn't you make it 4:00?
Marrying on the half hour has been unlucky for me. No. Impossible!
At 4:00 I marry his Highness Prince Smirnov to a young lady from Texas.
That's where the cows come from.
Very well. Mr. Kidley and I will be here at 3:30.
They say cremation's awfully nice, sir.
Jeepers! Just trying to be helpful, sir.
Well, stop it. Have you got a cigar?
Yes, indeed, sir. Shall I smoke it for you?
No, I'll smoke it myself. What does it matter now? That's the spirit, sir.
As the poet says, "Come fill the cup...
for the bird's on the wing."
That's good.
I'm just beginning to realize what a swell old world this is...
now that I've only got thirty days. Twenty-nine now, sir.
Jeepers, I've got to do something about my money.
If I leave it to Mrs. Marko, she'll use it to start a war.
I'm tellin'you, you'll do like I say!
You'll marry Smirnov if I have to hogtie you!
No! I won't! No! Do exactly as I say!
Look out!
Well! Well!
Well, I don't blame her.
Whatever it is, he's wrong.
Home, Jeepers. Yes, sir.
Mighty proud to be his wife, that's what you ought to be.
Mighty proud! Why, Smirnov's folks goes back 40 generations.
Well, why don't he go back with 'em?
"Don't do this. Don't do that.
Don't wear this. Don't wear that."
Trying to make a lady out of me!
Always licking my hand like a St. Bernard dog. Oh, I hate him!
Now, we didn't traipse all the way...
from Eagle Heights, Texas, to Bad Gaswasser...
just so you could back out now.
But, Pa, I love Henry Munch!
Aww!
Oh, Henny-Penny! They're trying to pull us apart.
Oh, Henny, coochie-woochie!
Aw, coochie-woochie-woochie!
Oh, Daddy, no, don't! Munch is a no-account bus driver!
From Eagle Heights to Silver Falls.
I don't care. I love him just the same.
That Smirnov's nothing but a dressed-up coyote.
Dressed or undressed, you're marrying him at 4:00.
Well, Henry was good enough when we were nothing but poor scrub farmers.
Ever since we struck oil and got to wearin' shoes...
you've been gettin' mighty nose-high, Pa.
You're goin' back home a princess, just like I told 'em.
By hooky, they'll let me into the country club and everything then.
I'll show 'em! That bunch always lookin' down on me.
If they could only patch up a man...
as easily as they can a bicycle tire.
Imagine me laughing in my condition.
You're going through with it, and that's my final say!
I won't. I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't!
I'll... I'll run away. I'll... I'll do something desperate.
Hey! Jeepers, that girl!
Mr. Kidley! No!
Oh!
Help! Help! Oh! Wait! Careful!
Help!
Why, you...
- Oh, Miss, please! - I'll save you. Take it easy.
Let me, sir! Let me, please!
Oh, darn fool.
Oh! Oh!
Get her! Save her! Get her! Hey, wait a minute!
Wait. Are you all right? Oh! Oh. Oh.
Oh, say! Oh, thanks. You saved my life.
Well, why did you do it? Why didn't you let me alone?
You-You can't even swim.
Apart from his morning tub, Miss, he's never been in the water in his life.
Well, then, why did you do it?
It was marvelous... I mean, wonderful...
But why did you do it?
Well, you see, l... Any man would have done the same.
I couldn't get the inner tube off my neck, sir.
Look. Look, you. You...
Don't you ever do anything like that...
no matter what your troubles are.
This world's a pretty nice place to live in.
Think of the sunshine, and the bees...
and the butterflies and the breeze and the... and the...
What's that thing about the cup?
"Come fill the cup. The bird's on the wing."
Yeah, you see? The bird's on the wing. What bird?
Well, uh... What bird, Jeepers? Just a figure of speech, sir.
Come along, sir. We mustn't precipitate your demise. Pneumonia!
Come on. You're liable to catch your death of cold if you...
Oh, me.
I just wish you knew my Henry.
He's so big, and strong and-and cute.
Why, he'd do anything for me.
You know, when we were kids, he...
he ate a beetle, just 'cause I asked him to.
Sounds like a handy fella to have around a garden.
Yeah, but that's all over with now.
At 4:00 I've got to marry Smirnov.
Yeah, but this is 1939.
You don't have to go around jumping off bridges.
You don't know Pa.
But what are my troubles compared to yours?
I mean, you being a human dog and everything.
Yeah. Acidatus Canis.
You know, while we're sitting here, Mickey, you know what I'm doin'?
Uh-uh. I'm digesting myself.
Huh? Bones and all.
I'm getting smaller and smaller.
First a pygmy, then a radiator ornament...
then a watch charm, and finally... pfft.
Just a memory. I'm the last of the vanishing Americans.
Oh, I feel so sorry for you, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, thanks, Mickey. Nobody else cares.
Why, even the hotel people asked me to move.
Afraid I might give the hotel a bad name.
Told me to go to some other place and die.
Oh, I wouldn't be afraid of them.
I'd do it right here in this room, if I wanted to.
Oh, gee. You're a nice girl, Mickey.
I like you... and I like Henry too.
You do? Jeepers.
Yes, sir? Another glass.
Another glass, Jeepers. For you.
Oh, thank you, sir. Let's drink to Henry. Munch?
Munch. Munch.
That couldn't be Pa, could it?
The Kidley suite.
Who is it? It's the "Arko-may."
Holy mackerel! I forgot all about her.
What does she want? It's about your nuptials, sir.
She wants to know if you're dressed. Tell her no.
Tell her anything. Tell her I'm not dressed, not even my socks.
You see, Mrs. Marko, Mr. Kidley is a little delayed.
No, not decayed, madam, delayed.
And I want him to be ready for the ceremony!
What'd she say? What'd she say?
She says you'd better be ready darn soon, sir...
and I didn't like the way she said it. Well, Jeepers...
Jeepers, do something. Think of something.
Yeah! What's the matter? What's the matter?
She... Mrs. Marko, she shoots her husbands.
She pushes them off mountains and...
and I've got to marry her at 3:30.
But you don't have to marry her, do you?
I don't, huh? She's the Olympic pistol champion.
I can't get out of this any more than you can.
I mean, we're in the same fix.
Oh, why didn't you let me stay in the water?
I was just beginning to do all right.
All she wants is my money. She's my Smirnov.
Hey, wait a minute. There's an out.
There's an out for both of us.
You mean we should jump back into the... No! Listen carefully.
We only have a few minutes. Yeah?
How would you like to marry me?
How would l... What? You've had too much of that spider juice, sir.
No, I haven't. But I can't marry you.
Yes, you can. Here, put this on.
It throws everybody for a loss.
It puts the prince behind the eight ball...
and the pistol champion in the side pocket.
But what about Henry? Well, that's it.
I can die in peace, and as soon as I'm gone you can marry Henry...
and I'll leave him barrels of money.
He can buy a thousand buses.
Yeah, that's... Oh, but I don't love you.
I mean, I don't even know you, well, good, you know.
I don't love you either. That makes it perfect.
But why should you do all this for me?
Well, in the first place, I've never done anything for anybody.
In the second place, it helps me too.
And in the third place... Oh, well, I don't know.
But-But, you can't... No buts. You leave everything to me.
All right, I will. And I'll leave everything to you.
Highness.
Ah, gentlemen!
Your Highness, I wouldn't have missed your wedding for the world.
Gentlemen, you all know Kretsky.
There he stands, an eloquent picture of his mission.
The bulge in his right pocket: My unpaid notes.
In his left pocket: My bad checks.
The hollow in the middle is Kretsky.
Your Highness has saved me words.
Unless the bulge in my left pocket...
is made good immediately after the ceremony...
Your Highness will have the opportunity...
of entertaining the police with his priceless humor.
Kretsky, I intensely dislike you and your bloodhound...
continually sniffing at my heels.
We are sniffing for 200,000 samelkas in bad checks.
Kretsky, I have told you, you will be paid...
when I get my dowry... after the wedding.
Oh, pardon me, Your Highness. I'm terribly sorry.
I, uh, I nearly ran over you.
Pardon me, Your Highness.
I will forgive you if you make me a good wedding.
Excuse me, sir. Are you the mayor?
Uh, what is it? Could I speak to you for a moment, sir?
Just one moment. Will you pardon me. Your Highness, pardon me.
What is it? There's a certain young party, sir.
She wants to get married. Well, uh...
A scullery maid, sir, and the butler in the same house, sir.
No, I can't do it. I'm afraid they'll elope unless we do something, sir.
You know, what with springtime and everything, Your Honor.
We'd hate to lose them.
I have one waiting already at 3:30 and another one at 4:00.
But it would only take a moment if Your Honor would just hit the high spots.
No, no, no. I can't do it. I can't do it.
Oh. Mm, yes. If you can make it quick.
Bring 'em in the courtroom, but sneak 'em in the back way.
If Your Highness will pardon me one second.
Something very urgent came up.
Excuse me. I beg your pardon.
A little kitchen romance. It should be amusing. Let us watch.
Your hat off, please.
Right away I marry you in the courtroom.
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
What? Uh-uh.
Here? No, no. Not in here.
Here is for the certificate only.
The marriage is in the courtroom always.
Can you write?
Ja, ja. Oui, oui. Oui, oui.
Si, senor. Uh-huh.
Mm-hmm. All right, then.
Then write here your names, please, right here.
Uh, well, all right.
Come on here. This way. The prince's guests are waiting. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
Do you take this man for your lawful, wedded husband...
to live with him in sickness and in health...
Do you promise to love one another...
and cherish as long as you may live?
Say yes! - I do.
Now you. Don't let the people wait.
Do you take this woman for your lawful, wedded wife...
He won't be late, will he?
I beg pardon, ma'am? He won't be late, will he?
Oh, no, ma'am. In a manner of speaking, he's already here.
You may now join hands.
Hold hands! Don't we kneel?
If you want to kneel, kneel.
As evidence of these promises that you have made...
Oh, we can skip that.
Uh, by virtue of the power invested in me...
and by virtue of the solemn promises you have made...
I hereby pronounce you to be man and wife.
You can rise now. It's all over.
The bride... Let us kiss the bride.
Hey, wait! Come on. We'll catch them outside.
Come on! The prince is gonna kiss the bride.
Come on!
Oh! Ah! Ah!
Come, madam, you must pay the penalty. Uh-uh!
Max, help me, please. Oop-la!
- Mickey! - Mickey!
Let her alone! Ah?
So.
Your Highness!
Are you all right? That car! I'll hold them off, sir!
John! John!
Good-bye! I'll send you a postcard!
Your Highness! Wait for me!
Take me with you! Take me with you!
All right. Come on! Me too! She's my daughter!
Yoo-hoo! Mickey!
Where are you? Who is it?
It's me. Henry!
Well, what in the name of all get out are you doing here?
Well, I came over on a cattle boat.
I didn't get much sleep, though, on account of all the mooin'.
Oh, Henry!
Well, you ought to see the papers back home.
They're just full of that stuff about you and that Prince "Smirkoff" fella.
Oh, Henry!
Well, nobody around here talks Texas, and I had an awful time findin' ya.
But did I get here in time? Yes. Yes, Henry.
I didn't marry Smirnov. Well, thank my lucky stars.
I married Mr. Kidley. Huh? Who? Mr. Ki... Who's he?
The bean man. L-I just met him. Oh, shucks!
Well, what'd ya marry him for?
Well, because I love you, Henry.
Well, I may be just a country boy, but I can't figure that one out.
Yeah, yeah!
I'll be right out. I'll be right out.
I gotta go, Henry. You gotta go? Where you goin'?
On my honeymoon. Your honeymoon?
Yeah. I can't explain now. Here.
I can't explain now. We're goin' away someplace, and then Mr. Kidley's gonna die.
Well, what kind of talkin' is that?
Oh! Good-bye, Henry. Good-bye?
Good-bye, Henry. I didn't come over here just to say good-bye!
Okay, let's go. Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute.
Who's that? Oh, it's Henry.
Isn't it wonderful? He's coming on our honeymoon.
Oh. Huh? Oh, Henry, this is my husband, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, how do you do, Henry? Right now I ain't doin' so good.
Yes. Will you please come around this way?
And sign on this line.
"Mr. And Mrs. John Kidley."
And for your servant, we have something in the rear.
I ain't his servant.
Oh, isn't that funny? He thought Henry was your servant.
No, this is Mr. Henry Munch. The man Mrs. Kidley's gonna marry.
Oh, Mr. Munch, Mr. Ingleborg personally welcomes...
Marry? What is?
Mr. Munch is Mrs. Kidley's fiance.
Oh, Papa!
Yes. Quiet, Mama. That is not our business.
Julius, bring upstairs the bags.
Come on, honey.
I'll thank you not to call her honey, you understand?
Why, Henry!
Oh, isn't that sweet, Mr. Kidley? Henry's jealous!
Cuckoo, darling. There's something funny up.
Ah, Mama, those Americans are always joking.
Oh, Henry, that moon.
Look at the moon.
Yeah, it's big.
And those mountains. Yeah. Kinda high.
No, Henry, it's more than that.
It... Well, look at 'em.
Well, we got a mountain in Texas.
But Henry!
This place...
This night...
The smell of lilac.
And you sit there whittlin' on a hunk of wood.
Well, what should I be whittlin' on?
Well, gee, Henry, this is the first time we've ever been alone together...
I mean, away from Pa.
Put your arm around me, Henry.
Please.
Now kiss me.
Henry, that's no way to do it!
I mean, kiss me as if you liked it... as if you meant it.
Oh, I can't do it. My heart ain't in it. Why not?
Well, I can't get it outta my mind that I'm...
Well, that I'm kissin' somebody else's wife.
Makes me feel like one of them playboys.
Hey, Henry, can you still imitate a horse?
Oh, I guess I could if I tried.
Go on, do it. Go on. Oh, no. That's kid stuff.
Aw, go on, Henry. Just one little horse, please.
Well, all right. Just once. Yeah, yeah.
I love it. Come on. Do it again, Henry.
Look, Mama. The moon out and everything, and he makes like a horse.
Oh!
Oh, Mickey? Oh, pardon me.
I didn't mean to...
I just came out. I thought it was just about time for me to kick off.
What? I mean, turn in. Go to bed.
Oh. Good night, Mickey.
Good night, Henry. Good night!
Oh, Mr. Kidley, wait a minute. I'm coming right in.
Good night, Henry. And I'll see you in the morning.
Good night. You'll see me in the morn...
Hey, you!
L-I'll tuck you in, huh? Oh, thank you.
Oh, that's all right. I want you to feel nice and comfortable.
It's full of feathers. Oh, yeah?
Hey!
Oh, Henry, doesn't Mr. Kidley look cute in his pajamas?
Well, yeah, but... He looks so cute.
Uh...
Mr. Kidley, we gotta have a talk.
All right, Henry. We'll talk in the morning. I've had a hard day.
Well, in the morning won't do, Mr. Kidley.
Well, what is it? What is it? Well, I ain't happy.
Why, Henry, just a minute ago you were swell...
when you were acting like a horse.
Well, I ain't the beating-around-the-bush kind of guy.
If I got anything on my mind, I spit it out.
Now, Henry, don't be that way.
Mr. Kidley hasn't long to be with us.
He hasn't long to be with us.
And it's our duty to see that he's happy and...
Happy? Well, what difference does it make to you whether he's happy or not?
Well, after all, Henry, I am Mrs. Kidley.
And I always say that a wife's place is in the home. Listen!
Oh, Henry, you don't have to worry about me.
Why, one of these mornings you'll wake up and...
Pfft. I'll be gone.
Mr. Kidley, I been watchin' you mighty close here of late...
and all I got to say is that you ain't been livin' up to your promise.
You ain't gettin' any smaller.
Uh, who's there?
Oh, come in.
Good morning! Good morning!
Well, Mama Ingleborg has fixed the breakfast herself.
Oh, that's fine. Hey, breakfast!
Yes, a very special breakfast...
for our two little dummelflumphes.
Well, that's very nice of Mama, Mr. Ingleborg.
Yes, it sure is! Ah!
What sticks in my craw is, everything he says is so wonderful...
but everything I say it's, "Oh, Henry, oh, Henry, oh, Henry."
Oh! Now, Henry, don't talk that way about Mr. Kidley.
Oh, shucks.
Look! He's getting that flower just for me. Risking his life.
Oh!
I got it!
Careful! Careful!
Oh, that ain't nothin'.
I'd take a chance at breakin' my neck, too, if I knew I was gonna die.
Gee, thanks.
Aw.
Well, there it is. Oh, thanks, Mr. Kidley.
For you. In the words of the poet, "You are like a flower."
Oh, Mr. Kidley, that's so sweet.
That's just like in the movies. Yeah.
Well, it was original with me at the moment.
Let me help you, Mr. Kidley. You must be a little tired.
Let's sit down and rest a minute, huh? Yeah.
Huh? Huh-uh.
I guess I'll run along to the hotel. You and Henry want to be alone.
The minute you do, he'll just start whittling. Oh, that's fine talk.
A fella can whittle and still be in love, I guess.
He don't have to go around shouting that poetry muck all day.
Oh, Henry, that's where you're wrong. Women are romantic, sentimental.
It's up to us men to humor 'em... say pretty things.
Oh, I suppose you could give me a lesson.
Oh, I bet you'd be good at it too.
Well, I have kind of been around.
Frankly, Henry, I think you could use a few lessons.
For instance? Well, for a starter...
Supposing you were going to take a girl in your arms. Uh-huh.
Now you hold her tenderly... gently.
Yeah, Henry, you handle me as if I was a bus.
Oh, bosh! Now, watch, Henry.
Now, supposing I'm you. You hold her like this, and then you kiss her.
Oh.
You see, Henry?
Uh-uh. No. No?
No? Well, show him again, Mr. Kidley. All right.
Wait a minute. Here. Thank you.
Ooh! Oh, pardon me.
There. Now you do it, Henry. I'll sit here and watch.
No, sir. I don't have to kiss my girl in front of a whole crowd of people.
Well, it's only Mr. Kidley, Henry. No.
Aw, come on. Please? Oh, all right.
Uh-uh. Well, I can't get started.
Maybe you haven't turned on your ignition. Oh!
There! No, that's not it, Henry.
Would you show him again, please, Mr. Kidley? - Oh, of course.
Anything at all. Here. Hold that. Just a moment.
Any time you get the idea, Henry, just cut in.
Well, I don't see that he's doin' anything that I didn't do.
Well, it's just something or other that I can't explain, Henry.
When he does it, it's like a bunch of trained wildcats...
but when you do it, it's more like wild mice.
Yeah. Oh, well, I watched him close...
and I did everything that he did...
and I'll bet you if you had your eyes closed you couldn't tell us apart.
All right, Henry. I'll prove it to you.
Somebody give me a hankie. You got a hankie?
Oh, yes, I have one here.
No! Her, her, her!
Oh, pardon me. Pardon me.
All right, now I'll tie this tight.
Now you come around in front, Mr. Kidley. All right.
And the both of you step back now.
And then you sneak up one at a time and kiss me...
and I'll tell you just who it is.
All right, step back. Go on, go on.
Well, don't go away.
Okay. Now, I'll count up to ten...
and then one of you come up and kiss me.
All right. One, two, three...
four...
five...
six, seven, eight...
nine, ten.
You ready? Well, come on.
That's Henry.
That's Mr. Kidley.
Ready again.
That's Henry.
That's Mr. Kidley.
That's Henry, still handling me like I was a bus.
Why, Henry, how dare you take your shirt off.
I'm surprised, l...
Mr. Kidley! Henry!
Yes, sir. I can leave immediately, sir.
Just a minute, sir. I'll write it down.
"Ingleborg Haus...
Ingleborg."
I've got it, sir.
Forgive the liberty, sir, but, uh...
how is everything?
Oh?
No?
Oh.
Well, don't forget, sir, the bird on the wing and all that.
No, sir, no one but Dr. Schmidt.
Oh, he wants to know if, when it happens...
he can have your stomach.
Wants to put it in a bottle or something.
Yes, I told him I'd have to ask you first, sir.
Don't worry, sir. I'll travel incognito.
Oh, Mrs. Marko found her car, sir, just where you abandoned it.
Oh, no, sir. Not a soul knows of your whereabouts.
But I've got it... "Ingleborg Haus."
At last I have got it!
Ingleborg Haus. Where's that?
Ingleborg!
Thank you, dear. Come on, let's go. Hurry!
Hey, don't you think it's about time we ought to go to bed?
Huh? Oh. Oh.
Hey! Hey!
? Once a little tra la la met a great big oompah-pah?
? She looked up and said "Aha, you're the one for me"?
? Then the little tra la la kissed the great big oompah-pah?
? Then the village orchestra played in harmony?
Now, Mickey... ? One day?
? In springtime?
? Their love dream came true?
Now, Mick...
? Church bells were ringing?
? When the tra la la Oompah-pah?
? Said "I do"?
? Now the little tra la la has a little oompah-pah?
? He can only say "da da" but his ma and pa?
? Hope that he will grow to be a great big oompah-pah?
Oi!
Now, see here. L... Shh!
? Once a little tra la la met a great big oompah-pah?
? She looked up and said "Aha, you're... no, you're the one for me"?
? Then the little tra la la kissed the great big oompah-pah?
? Then the village orchestra played in harmony?
? One day in springtime?
? Their love dream came true?
? Church bells were ringing?
? When the tra la la Oompah-pah?
? Said "I do"?
? Now the little tra la la has a little oompah-pah?
? He can only say "da da" but his ma and pa?
? Hope that he will grow to be?
? Tra la la?
? Oompah-pah?
? Hope that he will grow to be?
? A great big oompah-pah?
Stop it, now. Stop it.
Yahoo! Yippee!
Just stop it!
Stop it! Stop it.
Oh. 'Scuze, please.
Mr. Kidley, what do you mean by traipsing around with my girl past 1:00 in the morning?
Oh, we never had such a time, Henry. We went to a cheese festival.
Yeah, we had wine and cheese. And singing.
Cheese festival? Well, that ain't cheese, Mr. Kidley.
Oh. Oh, that. You see, we stopped...
Oh, yeah, Henry. We stopped and just now...
when I was singin' the song I gave him a little, uh...
l... Well, you were right there. I mean, l-l...
Now, Mickey, hush. I've heard enough.
Now, you run right along upstairs to bed.
Mickey. Mickey. But l...
But l... Henry, you can't order your wife around like that.
Oh, I can't, huh? Well, she ain't my wife, she's your wife.
Y... Oh, yeah!
Say, thanks for reminding me. Mickey, go to bed.
Oh. Mickey... Heh!
Good night, boys.
Good night. Good night, Mickey.
Well, I guess that's all, men. Here you are. Thanks.
We'll get Mrs. Kidley and do it again sometime. Okay.
Oh, no, you won't. Now that she's gone I wanna tell you...
you're mighty fortunate I just don't tear you to pieces. Why, Henry.
And with my bare hands.
'Scuze, please, she must close. Well, close it.
Now, wait a minute. I was just going...
Listen to me. As long as you're in Ingleborg, you're not gettin' out of my sight again.
No, sir. Not for two seconds.
- Hey, where do you think you're goin'? - Oh, l...
Drink. I was gonna get some water. I was...
Well, you've been up for water every two minutes.
Well, I'll tell you truth. I wanna see Mickey.
I've got somethin' to tell her. A man can talk to his own wife, can't he?
No! - I know what's the matter with you. You don't trust me.
You're darn tootin' I don't.
Now, I don't want any trouble with you. You get back here in bed.
You and your old whittlin's.
I'd rather sleep with a cracker eater.
It's not comfortable. Oh.
Oh, now, wait a minute. Just a second. I have a little something to say about this.
L... What are you doin'?
There. That'll fix that.
Oh, Henry, this is so unjust.
Not so tight. Leave a little blood in there.
There. My circulation is practically at a standstill now.
Now hush.
Good night. Good night.
I'm gonna put my foot on top of yours...
and don't you move once the rest of the night.
Hello. Hey, Julius.
Would you like to make five bucks? Fifty samelkas?
Well, what do I have to do for... Shh, shh!
Take off your shoe. I wanna use your foot.
My feet? Shh. Foot. Come on.
Honey? You're not asleep, are ya?
Honey?
I've gotta talk to ya.
Maybe I've got no right, but after tonight, well...
no matter who gets hurt, we've gotta face it: We belong to each other.
Honey, please talk to me.
You see, Mickey, l...
Gee, you look tired. I gue...
Listen, Mama...
Mr. Kidley! Please!
Well l... I gue... I was... And...
I was...
Ye... Wrong room, I guess.
You...
Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!
Now, you all got to stop pickin' on Mr. Kidley.
It's like he's been tryin' to tell ya, he's sittin' here digestin' himself.
And if you don't stop screamin' at him, it's liable to happen right here...
and then you'll be sorry. I don't care!
I don't care if he's digesting his entire family!
I am insulted! I am the one that is being squeezed.
Right under my nose, on my own wedding day...
she marries this gentleman in the red pajamas.
Then when he goes pfft, she marries this gentleman in the striped pajamas.
And where am I? I am standing around with egg on my face!
And if he has egg on his face, somebody's tossed a whole omelette on mine.
I don't like it. Oh, but Mr. Kidley doesn't love you.
Look what he did: Rather than marry you, he married me.
Yeah, that's the part of this whole thing that burns me up.
Mr. Kidley, what I wanna know is what're you gonna do about this mess you got us into?
Yeah! Well, it's all very simple.
You're all taken care of in my will. How so?
Henry, I'm not gonna waste a lot of time telling you how much I admire you, because I don't.
But I'm gonna leave you enough money to choke a horse, and I hope it does choke ya.
Mr. Kidley, I resent that!
We are now where we started, still with egg over my face.
I know. I'm wiping that off in paragraph three.
Marriage with you is a business proposition, and I've ruined your business.
So I'm prepared to marry you. I mean, Pay you off in full.
Mr. Kidley, Prince Alexis Cassandro Michael Smirnov thanks you.
I do not wish to talk like a peasant, but there is something that I must know.
Tell me, how soon do you expect to go pfft?
Poor Mr. Kidley's only 18 days left. Haven't you, poor Mr. Kidley?
Yes, any time now. It's... Good. Good.
What do you mean, "good"?
There's a little thing known as breach of promise. You won't mind if I send my lawyers?
That won't be necessary. I've taken care of that in paragraph six.
You go out and buy yourself a nice solid-gold shooting gallery.
Oh, John! I'm sentimentally touched.
I'll see that they put flowers on you every Father's Day. Yes, l...
She probably gets 'em wholesale. What I want to know is...
Shut up, Henry. Mr. Kidley, I guess this just about takes care of everything.
Yes. Folks, let's get out of here and leave the honeymooners alone.
Come on, Henry. Well, I'm one of the honeymooners!
Oh, shut up and get outta here! All of my clothes are...
Oh.
Mr. Kidley... you have promised me to die.
I am warning you that I will be around personally to see that you do it.
Henry...
I may call you Henry, mayn't I?
Yes, ma'am, and I'll call you Mrs. Marko.
Well, Henry, when Mr. Kidley...
I mean, when it happens, you'll come into quite a tidy sum, won't you, Henry?
Mm... Yes, ma'am, I guess I will.
Dear Henry, I want you and Mrs. Kidley to be very happy.
If things don't work out, it may make it easier for you to know...
that there'll always be someone waiting for you.
There will?
Oh. You're a very attractive man, Henry.
I mustn't say any more than that right now.
Well, you're kind of pretty yourself, Mrs. Marko.
That's sweet of you.
Henry, if you don't mind my suggesting it, I could have my lawyers...
they're very good... go over Mr. Kidley's will.
Just watching out for your interests.
Well, doggone it, ma'am... and me just meetin' ya... that sure is kind.
Mighty kind.
Good morning, ma'am. Good morning, sir.
Good morning, Jeepers.
Your mail, sir, from Bad Gaswasser. Just throw it away.
Oh, but, sir, there may be something important.
Nothing is important, Jeepers, but living.
That's the spirit, sir. I noticed a change in you the moment I arrived.
Yes, you can thank Mickey for that. Thank you, Mickey...
Uh, Mrs. Kidley. Okay, Jeepers.
Yes, sir, if I may say so, you're bubbling over, sir... just bubbling over.
That's the coffee, Jeepers. Oh.
Uh, Jeepers, will you order some more heavy cream?
Very good, sir.
? One day in springtime their love dream came true?
Mr. Kidley, isn't there somethin' that you get a great big kick out of doin'?
I mean, there's not much time before you D-l-E.
And I just want you to remember these last few days as long as you live.
Well, there's one... Let's see...
Do you mind if I write on this? It's from that druggist. What druggist?
You know, in Bad Gaswasser.
He probably wants to sell me something. "Kipper, a dog."
Yeah, yeah. He wants to sell you a dog.
Say, that's a pretty hairdo. Thank you.
Well, we're going to figure out right now what to do with your last 18 days.
Uh... Have you ever seen the Sphinx? No. Is it good?
Well, we're gonna see it. We? Henry too?
No, we don't want him around our Sphinx. He'll only start whittlin' on it.
Sphinx. One day.
What's he so sorry about?
What's who what? This druggist. He sure is sorry.
"Had your acidity test mixed with a dog's... Kipper."
Say, I know where we could spend about six days. There must be a bicycle race around here.
Mr. Kidley, listen. Huh?
Listen. "Kipper, whose name sounds not unlike your own"...
Mr. Kidley, Kipper's a dog. You're not.
What? Well, I mean, it...
It says so right here.
Y-Y-You got all mixed up with Kipper. Kippers?
Listen, listen.
"I am happy to report that both you and the dog are entirely normal."
Mm-hmm. Normal.
Oh. Well, you're both all right!
Oh, well, sure. I wouldn't want to buy a dog... Yeah.
Wha... Wha... Wha...
"I am happy to report that both you and the dog are entirely normal.
It's wonderful! You're not gonna die! You're both all right."
You're gonna live! Hooray! It's wonderful! It's great! That's marvel...
Or is it? Of course it is.
I know, but that gang... I promised them I was gonna kick off.
They're gonna be sore about this. Tell 'em you were only foolin'.
Fooling with an Olympic pistol champion and a duelist?
If I don't die on time something serious is liable to happen to me.
L... Here. Nobody will know anything happened; what it's all about.
We won't tell anybody a thing.
Oh, Mr. Kidley, we... Now we're really married.
I mean, just like Ma and Pa and...
and Mrs. Marko and... well, everybody.
Oh, yeah! Y... Oh.
Oh, what about Henry? Oh, yeah, Henry.
Well... Well, don't worry about him. I'll... I'll take care of him.
Oh!
Mr. Kidley. Hello, Henry.
Could I speak to you for a moment, please? Sure. What's on your mind?
Well, it's about Mickey and me too. I ain't happy again.
What seems to be the trouble? I know you don't like me and I can't blame you for it.
But I like you. Henry, I like you!
Let me finish, Mr. Kidley. Here you are doin' everything for me, and...
Well, I want you to know you're one of the finest men I ever met up with.
Well, Henry, I'm a...
Heh! I mean, I'm not really like you say at all.
If you only knew me. I'd double-cross my own...
Mr. Kidley, I won't let you say a word again' yourself.
I guess I know a man when I see one.
I know I'm nothing but a poor bus driver and...
Well, you could cut me out with Mickey just like that...
- If you wanted to. - Well, I don't know, Henry.
Things are different now. I mean, I just found out...
Shucks, Mr. Kidley. You've done everything to make me and Mickey happy...
and, well, I guess you know how I feel about her.
I guess you know how I feel about you too.
Well, that's all. I just had to let it out.
Except, I'd like to shake your hand and tell you how sorry I am...
for bein' such a fool suspicionin' you.
Well, don't worry about a thing. You're okay.
Thanks, Mr. Kidley.
Here, boy. I want you to take this to Mr. Henry Munch.
Do you know him? Yes, ma'am.
All right. Here is something for you. Thank you.
Hello, Mickey. Oh, Mr. Kidley. I was just going to find you.
Uh, look, Mickey, I just sent...
I've been thinking this whole thing over.
I mean, now that I'm gonna live and everything, l...
It kinda changes the whole setup. It kinda puts a different angle on it.
I don't know what you mean.
Well, after all, we hardly knew each other, and this whole thing was a put-up job.
Marriage is a serious sort of thing.
You mean you... you don't want to be married to me, Mr. Kidley?
Well, it was a lot of fun and everything but for it to be for the rest of our lives, l...
- You mean you don't love me? - Well, frankly, Mickey, I guess I don't.
Oh.
Naturally, I'll give you the divorce.
You won't have any trouble.
And after everything's set, you must go back to Henry.
Well, it...
It was nice being married to you, Mr. Kidley...
even if we weren't, really.
Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
It's kind of a surprise. L...
I mean, l-I, I thought it was gonna...
Well, l... I guess that's the way things are with things, huh?
Oh, sure. Things have a way of always turning out right, Mickey.
Yeah.
Well... I'll be seeing you.
L...
Kretsky... I have been double-crossed.
This dog man, he is without honor.
He will be walking the streets alive, breathing the air...
listening to the birds, going to the opera, the movies.
While l... What will I be doing all that time?
Well, unless you do something, starting tomorrow...
Your Highness will be rotting in jail. Yeah, heh...
But what is there to do?
What is there to do?
My friend, there is only one thing.
Kretsky... you are even a bigger stinker than I think.
Yeah.
Yes, but that is all very fine.
But what good is it for me to make him go pfft...
if to me they are going...
Your Highness, you amaze me.
It's all very simple. You make it look like an affair of honor.
It will not be your first duel.
Kretsky...
Kidley, he is in the bag.
Crepe suzette? Yeah, I guess so.
Merci.
Oh, Mickey.
Oh, you're... you're going. I mean, those are your bags?
Yes. They're my bags.
Well... good-bye, Mr. Kidley.
Well, you're really going. Well, good-bye.
L-I'll be thinking a lot about you.
I'll be thinking about you too, Mr. Kidley.
Mr. Kidley.
You have tricked us. Oh, this. Smirnov, I didn't know myself. This is all...
That's right. Until yesterday, he thought he was a dog.
Really? This is wasting time.
Yes. Mr. Kidley, I do not like your face.
Yeah, well, if you had a face, I wouldn't like it either.
That is an insult, yes? Yes!
All right. Mr. Kidley, I challenge you... Now, wait a minute!
I apologize. And I also apologize for that poke I gave you after the wedding.
What are you apologizing for? Don't take that from him.
He's trying to pick a fight with me. He wants to shoot me full of holes.
Oh! Well, well, don't get mad at him. Smile. Huh!
Something physical. Ah.
Mr. Kidley, if I should take this pigeonette...
and push it in your face, what will you do?
Why, I'd get so mad, I'd probably... How mad?
Uh, well, sorta mad. Not very!
No, I'd be more hurt than anything else.
I'd probably go away and never speak to you again.
Ouch!
Why, you...
There. How do you like that?
Not bad. I like it. - Yeah, that's very cute. Do it to me, Mr. Smirnov.
Are they wearing this type this year? Ah... l...
Why, you, I oughta push in your... Push in my what?
What? Oh, you can't make him mad, no matter what you do.
See?
Uh...
Very good natured.
See? Nothing bothers him.
Does it? No.
All right, Mickey. I think we sold him.
Okay. All right.
This time I think up something for myself.
Your dessert, monsieur. Crepe suzette.
Mrs. Kidley, I do not like your shoes...
I do not like your dress...
and I do not like your hat.
Oh! My new hat! How do you like that, Mr. Kidley?
Why you, l... Let it go!
Let it go? Just a minute! This gentleman here!
Now perhaps, uh? Your Highness, you're a cutie.
Everybody is a witness! I have been insulted!
Oh, no! You haven't been insulted yet. You have to be good natured too.
Coffee...
cream...
and asparagus and peas.
Now you have been insulted.
Oh, you did it for me! That proves it: You do love me.
Sure I do, Mickey. But what's the difference now? Now, listen, Smirnov...
We didn't mean it. We didn't mean to throw all those things on you.
Mr. Kidley, my seconds will call on you.
We meet at dawn at the Three Dead Oaks.
I'm sure I'll never find the place. We will take you there.
Did he say "Dead Oaks"?
Dead Oaks.
Mr. Kidley. Yes?
Please to stand up at that end of the field. That end?
His Highness does not like to shoot with the sun in his eyes. Oh, that's all ri...
How do you like that? That guy Smirnov kills me.
You said it.
He's supposed to be my second. He's supposed to be on my side, isn't he? Pistols.
Oh, those are the... Heh-heh! This way, sir.
He will be ready soon. Don't hurry him.
Very good.
Reload, please. Only this time with a little more umph!
Come.
What are you doin' now? I'm reloading the pistols.
With real bullets? Yes, madam. The kind that spread.
L...
Hey.
Jeepers, stop shaking. I don't know why you worry about this.
I'm in great condition. You know that. This kind of a thing wouldn't bother me a second.
I just... Jeepers, l...
Ivan, massage the arm there.
No, no. Massage the trigger finger.
All right.
Mr. Kidley! Oh, John! John, wait!
Hey, Jeepers! Juno. Oh, John!
Oh, John, dear. These are from us.
Me too, Mr. Kidley. Ain't it wonderful? We're gonna be married.
She swept me right off my feet. I can't believe it myself.
He's whittled his way right into my heart.
Yeah, we found the bonds you left me, Mr. Kidley.
Oh, no. This time it's really love, John.
Good-bye, John. Good-bye. Good-bye?
You got everything all fixed now? Yes.
All you got to do is tell him this:
There's a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet...
and a nick on the handle of the pistol with the blank.
Oh, I see. Oh, yeah. That's great.
Gimme that again.
There's a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet...
and a nick on the handle of the pistol with the blank.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
There's a cross on the muzzle...
It is a question of honor. I will call you.
...and a cross... No, a nick on a bullet.
Huh-uh. On the handle. And...
Cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet, and a nick on the handle of the...
Courage, sir. Mr. Kidley! Yes?
You're not gonna die! I'm not gonna die?
You're not gonna be shot. Oh, that's fine! Let's get outta here!
No, wait a minute. Jeepers, you stand right over here. Yes.
Don't let them see us. Promise me. No, miss.
I fixed it, see. You have?
When you pick out the gun, remember this. Yeah?
Remember: There's a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet...
Yeah? And a mick on the nandle...
I mean, a nick on the handle of the pistol with the blank.
Oh, Mickey. Give that again, quick. Yeah.
There's a muzzle on the cross of... I mean, a cross on the muzzle of the... on the...
Mickey, this is my life. I'll save it.
There's a... Don't get excited now.
Kretsky.
Kretsky, we cannot lose. Huh?
One of the pistols has no bullet in it. What?
It is marvelous!
But how do you know which one? It's very simple.
There is a cross on the muzzle of the pistol with the bullet...
and a nick on the handle of the pistol with the blank.
Brilliant, Your Highness. Superb. What an idea.
A nick on the muzzle of the pistol with the...
No, no, no. I said, there is a nick on the handle.
Your Highness distinctly said, a cross on the handle.
No, no. I said, there is a nick on the bullet on the handle... You see?
Attention. The principals will now proceed to the center of the field.
Mr. Kidley, please! They're ready for you, sir.
All right. All right.
I've got it. And a mistol on the nozzle of the pistol with the blank.
There is a cross on the handle of the muzzle with the bullet.
No. There is a cross on the handle of the nickel... nizzle?
No! And a nick on the pullet of the whistle with the blank.
Yeah, all right. Stand away. I think I've got it. Yeah. Yeah?
There's a noss on the crizzle of the mistol with the pillet...
and a pullet on the nozzle of the nickel with the blank.
There's a cross on the puzzle of the mistol with the bullet. There's a...
Gentlemen, select your weapons.
- There is a nickel in the cuzzle... - Huddle on the...
handle of the bullet with the pretzel.
Here, here, gentlemen. Come, come.
There's a cuzzle on the muzzle of the bullet with the blanket...
and a whistle on the panel of the noodle with the cross.
Shut up! You shut up!
Now, really, gentlemen. This is no time for incantations. What?
Cross! - No!
The cross on the muzzle! - And a nick on the handle of the pistol with the blank.
Yeah, blank. Ah, ah, ah. Ready?
Would you like to trade pistols? I'll give you mine and $40, Mr. Smirnov.
Thank you, I am very well satisfied.
I can't shoot with mine. I'm left-handed.
It will not make any difference which hand you use.
Gentlemen, take your places.
Ah!
On the word march, you will... You dropped your pistol.
No, you dropped yours!
Oh.
Pardon.
Gentlemen, retire.
On the word march, you will start walking.
At ten paces you will turn and fire.
Ready? March. One, two... No, no! Halt!
Halt! Exception.
Doesn't he know the rules?
Oh, Mr. Kidley. Are you going to go through with this?
Or do you wish to be branded as a coward? Yes!
Bravo. D... Very well, then.
Ready again. March.
One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven, eight, Don't hurry. Take careful aim.
Nine, ten!
What kind of blanks are these?
Gee, Mrs. Marko, that sure was white of ya. You sure can shoot too.
Always remember that, Henry my love.
Oh, Mr. Kidley! You did it! You shot the hand right out of his revolver!
Yeah! Imagine what I'd have done to him if I'd had a bullet in it.
Oh, John, you're wonderful.
Gee, Mr. Kidley, I got so excited, l... I called you John.
Oh... that's okay, Mrs. Kidley.