[Blows air]
[Hits tuning fork]
Now, then, let me see.
Mr. Martin, is everyone here?
I believe so.
Well, don't believe, be sure.
Yes, sir. Bell boy?
Here!
Chef? Here!
Chambermaids? Here.
Elevator boy? Here!
Porters? Here!
Floor managers? Here.
Bartenders? Here.
Telephone operators? Here.
Yes, sir, the entire staff is assembled.
Ladies and gentlemen,
as such, I address you
as the employees of this great hotel.
Our brief summer season will start tomorrow.
You are here to serve the most exacting clientele
of any hotel in America... In the world.
The wentworth Plaza, as you know,
caters only to the most exclusive
and the wealthiest guests.
You are the temporary servants
of those who demand the most of their servants,
and yet, some of you receive no salaries.
That is because I could never begin to pay you
what you will earn in honorariums.
I mean tips.
Some managers, knowing the size of these hon--tips...
Would require you to pay for your positions.
But I...I like to see each and every one of you
derive the full benefit of your enterprise.
Now, remember our credo-- the guest is always right.
Keep that firmly in your minds.
Even though he's wrong, the guest is always right...
Because he pays.
That will be all. Thank you.
Remember, guys,
whatever the guests give you,
I get 50%.
And if you hold out on me, I'll take the whole works,
and no crap games, unless I'm in it myself.
Because...
Last year, one of my waiters received such big fees
he now operates a hotel of his own.
But remember, I get my percentage.
And also remember...
You come in direct contact with the guests.
I do not.
Therefore, I expect a certain payment from you
in return for your remunerative privileges,
and don't forget...
All tips go in here.
And remember, I have eyes in the back of my head.
I have the key.
The tips are split evenly
except in special cases when I take two-thirds.
I suppose if a guest insults me,
he's considered right.
My dear, you've been with me two seasons.
That's long enough to know that a hotel hostess
cannot be insulted.
I rely on your splendid discretion...As always.
I sometimes wonder if my discretion
can hold up under the wear and tear.
Well, Curtis, it's good to have you with us again.
Thanks, Mr. lamson.
Oh, Martin,
did you get that prentiss reservation?
Yes, this morning, sir.
Fine.
[Chuckles]
Well, how are the studies?
Still at medical school?
Yes, sir. I expect to have my degree
in about another year.
That's too bad for me.
The medical profession may gain,
but I lose an a-number-one hotel clerk.
Ah, you're very kind, sir.
And I suppose when it's Dr. Curtis,
I shall be losing you, too.
Well, uh...
Yes, sir. You see, being Mrs. Curtis is
really a full-time job.
Ha ha ha!
Very well.
Congratulations.
Name the first one after me.
Paging Mr. Baker.
Mr. Baker, please.
Paging Mr. Baker.
Well, here we are. Come on, mama.
Come on, Ann. Hurry up, now.
Wait a minute. I forgot my purse.
That's the prentiss family.
The old gal's worth 10 million bucks.
Just to show you my heart's in the right place,
I'll let you keep all she gives you.
Gee, thanks, boss. Wow.
How do you do, Mrs. prentiss?
Oh, how do you do?
It's a pleasure to welcome you.
I never think our season is complete without you.
Have you reserved the same suite for us?
Of course.
Not at the same outrageous price,
I trust.
The price is quite fair.
You people seem to think
that money grows on trees.
Yes, madame. That is,
we'll discuss it some other time.
I know you want to rest now.
Rest? I can't rest at those prices.
How do you do, Mrs. prentiss?
Oh, how do you do, young man?
Nicely, thank you.
And how are you, miss prentiss?
So happy I can hardly stand it.
Well...
I know you. You're the hostess, aren't you?
I remember you from last summer.
Do you?
I certainly do.
Humbolt!
The bell ending the first round.
I'll see you later.
We'll fight this out to the finish.
Mrs. prentiss: Humbolt! Where are you?
You see, mother, last season,
that little lady told me
she couldn't swim,
and I was just going to teach her when--
when I took you home. I always know what I'm doing.
Yes, mother.
Yes, those two go in that room,
and those three in that room, yes.
And, yes, those go in that room.
How many gallons of gas did we use
coming up, humbolt?
20.
20!? Oh!
Is there anything else?
Oh, yes, yes.
If you'll just take this
and have it changed
and divide it amongst you.
I got to hand it to you, mother.
It takes a lot of nerve to give 4 boys a quarter
for carrying up 16 pieces of baggage.
How many times have I told you...
Just because I happen to be rich,
I have no intention of being imposed upon.
A dollar wouldn't have been any too much.
What?! 75 cents more?!
Have you any idea
what the interest on 75 cents is at 3 1/2%?
Have you?
No, mother, I haven't.
Well, you just take this pad and pencil
and sit right down there and figure it out.
You know that I'm not good
at fractions.
No, but I notice you're very good at figures.
Yes. You might say that I'm a specialist.
Oh, humbolt,
how can you joke about a thing like that?
I joke about it because I enjoy it.
Well, I don't enjoy it.
When I think of the grief you've caused me
with your 3 marriages...
4, mother, 4.
4. To think of 4 horrible chorus girls
running around with the honorable name
of prentiss.
We must keep the name going.
And to think that I had to settle $100,000
on each one of them.
Now, what's a paltry $400,000
between friends?
Ah! Do you know the interest
on that at 4 1/2%, you bad, wicked boy?
Do you? No, of course you don't.
Well, I'll show you.
400,000 at...
...4 1/2%--
mother--
don't bother mother, darling,
while she's figuring interest.
Mother, I want some decent clothes.
You want what?
Some decent clothes.
Well, look at me.
Is it any wonder that nobody ever talks to me
or notices me?
Well, who do you want to notice you?
Men and boys.
I want to have some fun.
She's right, mother.
Humbolt, you've done enough damage.
Ann, I can't imagine you even thinking of other men
when you're engaged...
Engaged to t. Mosley thorpe,
the most eligible bachelor in America.
Humbolt: Ha ha ha!
Eligible for what?
Oh, my dear child, you must be crazy.
Why, he has $5 million more than we have!
I'll give you my interest in him
for 10 cents.
That will do, Ann!
Come on, Ma,
break down and buy her some snappy clothes.
Please, mother.
Go to bed, both of you, and stop bothering me.
I'd give $100
if you children would behave.
100?
Well, uh, 35.
[Vehicle approaches]
How do you do, westbrook?
How do you do, mcmulters?
And how is Mr. thorpe?
Mr. thorpe was never better.
I certainly am delighted to hear that.
Boy, get Mr. thorpe's luggage.
Boy: Yes, sir.
[Running footsteps]
Welcome to the hotel, Mr. thorpe.
Westbrook, where is Mr. thorpe?
Eh?
I say, Mr. thorpe is not in the car.
Well, where is he?
That's what I'm asking you, westbrook.
He must have missed me.
Well, here's Mr. thorpe now.
How do you do, sir?
Say, uh, what happened to me?
You must have got out
when we stopped to get gas.
Oh, never stop the car while I'm in it.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Yes, sir.
Did I discharge you last night?
Not to my recollection, sir.
Well, excuse me.
[Frog croaks]
Hello.
[Ribbit]
Ah ha. Oh, you bad boy.
How do you do, Mr. thorpe?
How do you do? How do you do?
Your rooms are all ready for you, sir.
And my boxes-- Did they arrive?
We put them in your room, sir.
Oh, and I want a stenographer.
I'm writing a monograph of snuffboxes.
Very important dictation.
I'll send one up in
just a few minutes, Mr. thorpe.
Ah, yes. Ah, a stenographer and a cheese sandwich on rye.
If you will kindly follow me, sir.
What'll it be, sir?
I'll have a room and a bath.
This is the cigar counter, sir.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's all right, miss.
Don't apologize.
Anyone's liable to make mistakes.
Uh, Mr. thorpe, the elevators are this way.
What are they doing over there?
This way, Mr. thorpe.
All right, put them up here.
Ha ha!
Can I help you, sir?
No, no. I'll take care of these.
Oh, ho ho! Aren't they beautiful?
What are they?
Snuffboxes!
What?
Snuff! Snuff.
Snuff was first used in the 17th century.
It the 18th century, it was universal.
It's a mild stimulant
and an excellent germicide.
It's been known to kill
thousands and thousands of germs.
Yes, sir.
Yes. Try some.
Oh, no, thanks.
Oh, go on. It's better than a tonic.
Where do I put it?
Well, you can put it--
I would suggest putting it in your nose.
[Sniff] [Sniff]
[Ah-choo]
Oh, oh. Just an amateur.
Just an amateur.
See, it's almost a lost Art,
and it requires years of great skill.
Now, you watch me. Watch me.
[Ah-choo]
Oh, watch me, please.
[Sniffing]
See?
It's like--ha ha!
Uh, it requires-- Ha ha!
I won't need you anymore.
[Ah-choo]
Uh, pardon me.
But why can't I go on the beach
with humbolt?
You shall go on the beach,
but not with humbolt.
Mosley will go with you.
Some fun.
Now, don't forget, dear.
I want you to be very warm
and affectionate to mosley.
Mosley: Don't disturb me. I'm working.
Oh, mosley, dear, so nice to see you back.
We could hardly wait till you got here,
could we, Ann, dear?
No. We could hardly wait.
Oh! I've been working on my book.
Oh ho! Mosley! Haven't you made a mistake?
A mistake?
Yes. Well, you kissed me and shook hands with Ann.
Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
I was thinking of my book.
But I have a present here for Ann.
Oh, a present? Aren't you kind, mosley.
Isn't mosley kind, darling?
Yes, mother. His kindness positively bowls me over.
The gold and silver snuffbox
continues to be the typical gift of sovereigns
to those whom they delight to honor.
Oh, isn't it lovely, darling?
Too sweet for words.
It embraces the Art and craft
of the gold and the silversmith.
Do you think you could
tear yourself away from your work
long enough to take a swim?
Oh, no, no!
I must finish my monograph
by the end of the summer.
But, mosley, we thought that maybe you might--
no, no. I'll work till my brain gets fogged.
I'll join you later.
But just think--
mother, I'm going for a swim.
Well, mosley-- just a second, darling.
I must work.
[Knock on door]
Oh! Is this Mr. mosley thorpe's room?
Yes, yes.
Thank you.
Ahem.
I beg your pardon.
Did you send for a stenographer?
Yes, and a Swiss cheese on rye.
Have you got it with you? No.
That's strange. Sit down.
Thank you.
Uh, do you know anything about snuffboxes?
No, not very much.
Well, you will before I get through with you.
Shall we begin now?
Oh, yes! Every moment's precious.
Will you have a pinch of snuff?
No, but I'd just as soon join you
in a chew of tobacco.
Oh, mosley!
Ann, here's mosley.
Am I thrilled.
I came to a stopping place. My brain got fogged.
I thought I'd come and look you up.
Well, I'm glad you did. Very glad you did.
Thank you.
I'll leave you two little lovebirds alone.
Well...Bye-bye. Hee hee!
Bye-bye.
Nice weather we're having.
Yes, yes, indeed. Yeah.
Not so hot as last year.
You don't say.
No. No, no.
Are you enjoying yourself this summer?
Oh, I'm just dizzy with all the excitement.
Oh, don't overdo it, don't overdo it.
I'll try not to if you say so.
No. You know,
when my monograph is published,
it will occupy three 600-page volumes.
It will establish me as the world's greatest authority
on snuff and snuffboxes.
Do tell.
Yes. It is rather breathtaking.
Aah!
What's the matter, Ann?
- What's the matter, Ann? - You! You're the matter!
Have I said anything to hurt your feelings?
You don't have to say anything.
Just looking at you is enough.
You're not a man, you're a mummy.
A mummy filled with snuff!
Calm yourself, my child.
I won't calm myself, and I'm not your child!
Take your hands off me! Go on, get out!
Go back to your silly monograph!
Go on, go on, get out!
What is the matter?
This child must have eaten something
that disagreed with her.
Put her to bed with a hot-water bottle.
That'll be more fun than I've had in ages.
My mood for writing is completely gone.
My brain is more fogged than ever.
Ann: You said it.
I'm going out for a walk.
Ann, what ails you?
Mosley! I'm fed up to here with him!
Mosley is a man of honor.
He'll make you an admirable husband.
Well, maybe he will,
but if I'm gonna be married to him,
I want to have a little fun first.
Don't you think you're being unreasonable, Ann?
Not at all. Why can't I have a little fun
like other girls have, like you had?
Well, of course...
Of course your father was a bit different
than mosley.
Of course he was, and so are we.
Ann!
Ah, mother, break down. You know it's only fair.
If I let you have fun this summer,
will you promise to marry mosley in the fall
without a protest?
Yes. Yes, I promise.
Well, then...
Ah, mother, you're a darling.
And can I do anything I want to
when I want to do it
as long as I don't disgrace the family name?
All right, but I do think
that you should have--
[knock on door]
Oh, my goodness. See who it is, Ann, dear.
Ah, good evening.
- Good evening. - Oh, good evening, young man.
Did you speak to the manager for me?
Yes, Mrs. prentiss. That's what I called about.
Mr. lamson says that he cannot reduce
the rate of this suite and sends his regrets.
The criminal!
He's trying to put me in the poorhouse!
That's what he's trying to do.
I spent $15-- $15--for dinner tonight!
It's nothing short of highway robbery.
It's a shame the way
everyone tries to take advantage of you.
Oh, you've noticed it, too?
Yes, Mrs. prentiss.
Well, I'll show them.
I'll ban the hotel restaurant.
I'll cook all my meals up here
on...On my electric iron.
Why don't you try
ye olde coffee shop in the village?
They have an 8-course dinner there for 65 cents.
With dessert, too?
With everything.
Well, that's much more like it.
Thank you. Thank you very much, young man.
Thank you. Good night.
Just a moment.
You're an honest, serious,
intelligent young man, aren't you?
Well, Mrs. prentiss, I do try to be serious
and honest, yes.
Well, I'll be keeping an eye on you.
And mind you-- Mind you--
I'm a very good judge of human nature,
and I consider you entirely trustworthy.
You're very kind, Mrs. prentiss.
Would you like to earn...$500?
Of course! Who wouldn't?
Well, I'd like a trustworthy young man
to take my daughter to--
oh, please, mother.
To teas and dances
and the social functions she may wish to attend
for the rest of the summer.
And I don't know of anyone
whom I'd rather trust her with than you.
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't go in for that.
I--I'm sure you can find plenty of others that will.
Oh, probably I could, but not the type I want.
You see, I want someone who will consider this
purely as a business proposition.
$500? That would nearly pay my expenses
at medical school next year.
Did I say $500?
Yes, mother, you did.
Well, I thought I said 450.
But of course, if I said 500,
500 it is.
I'm sorry. I can't do it.
If you're worried about your professional standing,
we might say that you're a distant relative.
Could I let you know in the morning?
Of course. And I'm sure that you'll accept it...
After you've slept on it.
Thank you. Good night.
Mother, how could you?
I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.
Well, my dear, you started this.
You said you wanted to have some fun this summer.
All right, you can, but with protection.
In other words, she wants to give me 500
just to chaperone her silly daughter.
I'm not the type.
If you ask me,
I think it's a great opportunity.
Are you kidding?
Certainly not.
You want to get ahead, don't you?
Surely, but I don't want to be a nursemaid
to some insignificant girl.
Oh, Ann prentiss isn't so bad.
It's the way she dresses.
Besides, it means some ready cash...
And what's more, a valuable social contact
that never did any doctor a bit of harm.
I suppose not.
The more cash we put by,
the sooner we can get married.
Isn't that right?
I can't argue with you there, dear.
I think that's a very wise decision, young man.
So do I.
Mr. thorpe, are you sure you have no objections?
Certainly not.
I'll be able to finish my monograph
without, uh, any distractions.
Many thanks.
Now, about a schedule.
After luncheon, maybe a little walk
and then a game of ping-pong.
Oh, no schedules, mother.
I'm gonna do what I want whenever I want to. Ann!
Well, that was the bargain.
And the first thing I'm gonna do is
get some decent clothes.
I'm sick and tired of looking like
little orphan Annie.
What's the matter with your clothes?
Your dresses are always trim and neat.
Yes, like burlap bags.
Come on, Mr. Curtis.
Yes, yes. With pleasure.
Now, remember, young man,
$500 for the job... And no extra!
No extras! Not even a sales tax.
♪ A-shopping we will go ♪
♪ Hi-ho, the merry-o, to spend your mama's dough ♪
Well, I'll see you later.
Oh, no, you've got to go with me.
Oh, no. I've never been shopping with a woman.
Well, that makes it even
'cause I've never been shopping with a man. Come on.
You don't understand.
I don't know anything about shopping.
I'm studying medicine.
Well, I'm telling you,
I won't be any use to you at all.
But at least you can help me decide what's what.
Now, look, wait a minute.
If we were sweethearts--
but we're not.
I realize that,
but I mean, if we were sweethearts,
I'd have the good right to tell you what's what.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, and then when you'd go shopping,
why, I'd go along,
and I'd even dare to--
dare to what?
Well, I'd...
♪ I'd dare to sing you this song ♪
♪ Whenever you'd go shopping ♪
♪ To buy a dress that's new ♪
♪ Honey, I'll keep an eye on the dresses you try on ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm going shopping with you ♪
♪ When you go to the jeweler ♪
♪ To buy a gem or two
♪ on your fourth little finger ♪
♪ A ring's gonna linger ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm going shopping with you ♪
♪ Lots of shoes and stockings ♪
♪ And plenty of new chapeaus ♪
♪ That's what I could go for ♪
♪ Or the cute little baby inside those clothes ♪
♪ Mmm...You go and pick the cottage ♪
♪ I'll put the mortgage through ♪
♪ Honey, I don't know whether we'll move in together ♪
♪ But I'm going shopping with you ♪
♪ Where's your basket?
♪ I'm going shopping with you ♪
Let's go to the beauty parlor.
But why?
Oh, I need my face redone.
If they paint you, they're silly.
They can't paint a Lily.
♪ But we'll let 'em try it for fun ♪
We must go to the grocers.
To the grocers?
I might need an egg or two.
Then I'll bring home the bacon,
or am I mistaken...
♪ about going shopping with you? ♪
♪ We can build a nest with ♪
♪ Sweet kisses and then someday ♪
♪ Maybe we'll be blessed with ♪
♪ In the pig Latin language ♪
♪ An aby-bay
I'll buy the baby blankets.
What color?
All trimmed in baby blue?
Ok.
♪ Then I'll be right behind you ♪
♪ 'Cause let me remind you ♪
♪ That I'm going shopping with you ♪
♪ In the basement
♪ I'm going shopping with you ♪
Well, here we are. Where do we go first?
There.
Would you like these?
Would you like to try them on?
Would you like to take a walk?
You step in. I'll step out.
How do you like them?
Oh, they're all right, but I like you better.
How much are those mules?
$22.
I'll bet your mother would get a kick out of them.
Ha ha. Joke. Yes.
Ahem.
[french accent] Ah, mademoiselle.
That brings out all the charm
in your personality.
I hope I can do as well.
[french accent] L'air star, mademoiselle.
We blend this especially for the blond type.
Like it?
Ought to be great with ginger ale.
A real bargain, miss, for only 12,000.
I'll take it.
Fine. Is there anything else?
Yeah. Some smelling salts for her old a--
her mother.
Hey! What is this? A shortwave set?
No. Permanent.
Oh, yeah, yeah...
♪ lots of shoes and stockings ♪
♪ And plenty of new chapeaus ♪
♪ That's what I could go for ♪
♪ Oh, the cute little baby inside those clothes ♪
♪ Behold the finished product ♪
♪ Behold a dream come true ♪
♪ But I feel apprehensive, it might be expensive ♪
♪ To always go shopping with-- ♪
Mrs. prentiss: Aah!
♪ That's mother
good evening.
Well?
I distinctly remember telling you
never to serve that man again.
I'm sorry, Mr. lamson, but he walked
into the dining room--
stupid--that's what you are. Stupid.
For my horse.
Mr. nicoleff, this must stop.
I can't permit you to charge any more meals.
Either you pay when you are served--
silence! What?
I said silence!
No more silly chatter from you!
Nicoleff is not satisfied with the food.
Well, really!
Do you call this mock caviar?
Taste it.
I order vintage champagne. What do I get?
Vinegar! Filled with gas.
Taste it!
Am I or am I not paying for 4-star service?
That's just it, Mr. nicoleff.
You are not paying.
And I am not getting service!
The orchestra, why is it not playing?
How would you expect the soul of nicoleff
to expand without music?
Now, let us discuss this matter calmly.
Nicoleff is always calm!
Calm, but indignant.
Why--why do you write me such letters?
Why do you insult a man of my caliber?
There's no reason to be insulted
just because I asked you to pay
a week in advance.
You, a common hotel manager,
asks me, nicolai nicoleff,
to pay a hotel bill in advance?
We are both men of the world.
You know, I know
you never paid a bill in your life--
I leave! I pack!
Not one more minute will I spend
in this fourth-rate hovel!
If you will just be calm,
we might arrange something
about your bill.
What did you say about the bill?
I would like to remain.
This place is very good for my liver.
Mr. nicoleff, you have a great reputation
as a theatrical producer.
I am the greatest theatrical producer
of the past 500 years.
Continue.
Mrs. Matilda prentiss just arrived--
you know, the widow of h.P. Prentiss,
the flypaper king.
Blatantly, vulgarly rich.
Disgustingly rich.
And she puts on a musical show here
every season,
a benefit for the milk fund.
I don't like milk.
It occurred to me that, on my recommendation,
she might engage you as director of the show.
My dear friend, if she combed the entire world
with a fine-tooth comb,
she could never find such a director.
Well, of course,
this job wouldn't be high Art,
not what you're used to. Popular stuff, you know?
Who are we to laugh at popular music?
It is the very heartbeat of America.
She'd probably pay 2,500
for your services.
$2,500?
That is no laughing matter.
My liver could spend several weeks
in the sea air.
And I'd be sure you would be able
to pay your hotel bill
when you wanted to leave.
I accept.
Not for the money!
But for the great ideal-- popular Art.
And anything over the $2,500
I could get you,
we split between us.
What?!
That is dishonest!
But I'll do it.
Mrs. prentiss, Mr. Schultz is the greatest
scenery and costume designer in the world.
Ja. That I admit. Ahem.
Well, he looks expensive.
Now, leave that to me.
Nicoleff takes care of everything and wastes nothing.
Da? Ja.
If he says it,
I wouldn't even trouble to argue about it.
Well, that's very comforting to hear
because last year
the costumes and scenery cost me $218,
but that won't happen again.
Only 218-- Yes.
Why, my dear Mrs. prentiss, that's--
that's chicken's food. You can't put on
a punch and Judy show for $218.
Now, now, don't worry about the costs.
Everything will be small and cheap.
Well, I'm glad we all understand that.
Now, the time has come when I got to said something.
Yes, that's correct. Only I will say it!
Well, you're both so hard to understand.
That is because he talks with accent.
My friend speaks very bad English.
That's the trouble. You must excuse him.
[Telephone rings]
You'll pardon me, gentlemen,
but that's the telephone.
Hmm...
[Ring]
And remember,
everything is to be small and cheap.
Hmm...
[Ring]
Hmm...Say, I got no more time to waste
with this hummingbird.
Small, cheap scenery I don't build!
You brought me up here on a wild-duck hunt!
Now, now, now, now, listen to me.
Forget everything that she told you.
Nicoleff will lead a gigantic,
tremendous production with exquisite costumes.
We are willing to spend money like water.
"We"? You're willing
to spend her money, but is she?
Nicoleff can take care of everything,
including her.
Now, wait a minute. This time, remember,
I got to get my money.
If I don't--
well, when did I never pay you?
The same time you never paid everybody else.
Now, why drag personalities into this thing?
I don't want to drag in any personals,
but paying when my work is done,
that's something I got to know about.
Now, remember, my commission
is 20% of everything we take her for. Remember.
Ha. I forgot it already.
15% is the best you get.
You crook! Is there no honor among people?
19% or nicoleff buys from somebody else.
17.5% is my last word.
Matilda: Oh!
Isn't it awful? Isn't it tragic?
What is tragic?
Oh, I'm dying! I can't stand it!
Somebody is dead?
Oh, worse than that. My bank has just phoned me
that the honeywell rubber company
has reduced its dividend from 60 cents to 40 cents!
And I--
I have the misfortune to own a million shares!
Oh! [Sobbing]
That's terrible. Look, you--
you got my sympathy.
I almost wish I owned them instead of you.
Now, don't--
oh! Don't do that.
Let me see. 6,438,000...
Oh!
My income has been reduced a third!
I must cut my expenses to the bone...
To the very bone.
Gentlemen! The show is off.
I can't afford it!
Madam, with those few words,
you have broken my heart.
I--i don't feel so good myself.
This is a darling boat.
Mr. lamson lets me use it whenever I want.
He does? Mm-hmm.
You know, I like going to the village
much better this way than by car.
All right. We'll always go this way.
Did you like the movie? Very much.
Swell. We'll go again.
They change the bill next Thursday night.
How about it? I'd love to.
Don't tell me that's a radio.
All the comforts of home.
Does it play,
or is it just along for the ride?
Well, it plays if it's in the mood.
[Romantic music plays]
It's in the mood.
Uh-huh. Nice tune.
Everything's sort of nice tonight.
I wish we didn't have to go straight home.
Well, why do we?
Well, it's 9:30, and your mother will worry.
Well, that's all right.
Mother's never really happy
unless she's worrying. Ha ha.
Suppose we dare stop and...
Look at the stars for a couple of minutes?
I can't think of a better way
to spend a couple of minutes.
Ok, we'll stop.
Just look at all those stars--
millions of them, so clear and lovely.
Dick, I feel poetic.
Well, now that you mentioned it,
I've been feeling a little poetic
the last few days myself.
Since when?
You want to know the truth?
Of course I do!
Well...
Since you and I got to know each other.
That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
♪ While I come swinging out of the skies ♪
♪ Night winds are singing their lullabies ♪
♪ Music brings romance, that's what it's played for ♪
♪ That's what the night is made for ♪
♪ In my song of love, the moon above makes the music ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
♪ My lips may be afraid to serenade you tonight ♪
♪ But the words are in my heart ♪
♪ Roses red in rhythm are swaying ♪
♪ And like my heart, they're tenderly saying ♪
♪ My dear, I love you so ♪
♪ And even though I can't say it ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
I like that song.
You're not saying that just to be polite, are you?
Of course not. You know...
That's the first time anyone's ever sung to me
like that before.
Well, it won't be the last time.
"The words... Are in my heart."
Oh, if that were only true.
Well, it--it could be, perhaps.
"Perhaps"?
Well, then you're not sure.
Well, are you, dick?
Mm-hmm.
♪ My dear, I love you so ♪
♪ And even though I can't say it ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
Radio: At the sound of the chime,
it will be exactly 3 seconds before 10:00.
[Chime]
10:00? Your-- your mother'll fire me.
Well, if she does, she'll have to fire me, too.
We better go home, huh?
Hold on. Here we go.
[Motor roars]
20,482,000 at 6%...
Waste more money on charity shows,
when I'm practically a pauper,
and my dividends cut on a million shares.
A $20-million pauper.
That's a tragedy.
Yes, it is a tragedy.
But, it--it could be worse.
Sure, you--you might be a $40-million pauper.
Poor mosley has two million shares.
At least I'm not alone in my grief.
Aha!
Nicoleff has a brilliant idea.
You say that your dividends have been reduced 1/3?
Yes.
Ho ho! Beautiful and simple--
you reduce your guarantee 1/3.
You guarantee 2/3 of the show,
and I will convince mosley thorpe
to guarantee the other third, making 3 thirds.
What a brain. Ha ha!
What mathematics! Ha ha ha!
But, gentlemen, I can't afford it!
But, think, madame. It is for charity.
Ja, sure. And listen--
anything you spend for the show,
you can take out of your income taxes.
Why, yes! Yes, I can, can't I?
Well--well, all right, then!
Ah, then the next step is to interview mosley thorpe.
As we say in the theater, "the show must go on."
Right! Ha ha ha!
No, no, no, no, no.
You stay here. Talk to her.
Talk to her about the income tax.
Don't let her change her mind.
Ahem.
[Coughs]
Uh, Mrs. prentiss...
You see, if you take out from your exemptions
twice as much as you put into your income taxes,
and then subtract a di-- a different--take a...
What's the matter?
Hmm...
Oh, she's humming again.
Mosley: If I'm not greatly mistaken,
the use of snuff will be generally revived.
You get that? Yes.
Speaking of being generally revived,
how about time out for a little snifter?
Oh, I never indulge in alcohol. Oh, no, no.
Oh, a nice, cold bottle of champagne
isn't really alcohol.
What was it, the 17th or 18th century?
Where were we?
Just where we started.
Oh. Uh...Now, about the future of snuff?
Uh...Is there any future in snuff? Question Mark.
Oh, dear.
Oh, I don't feel very good.
My--my throat's getting dry.
Well, go to the window, take a deep draft of fresh air.
My poor old mother used to get
these dizzy spells.
Nothing would help her but a glass of champagne.
Can I get you a glass of water?
I don't need a chaser.
I need a drink!
[Knock on door]
Uh, don't come in just yet.
You are Mr. mosley thorpe?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aha!
Ha...
Ha! Ha.
Your secret is my secret.
My lips are sealed.
Why, I tell you, it's all a mistake.
Certainly.
We are no longer schoolboys.
No, no.
Now is an excellent time
to discuss a little business.
You can guarantee
2/3 of the expenses of the annual charity show.
But I have no interest in shows.
My life is devoted to snuff!
Mmm. And beautiful women.
What?!
Why, the lady fainted. I couldn't let her fall.
She fainted--
tut tut. We are both men of the world.
I can put you down for 2/3?
Yeah, well... Otherwise?
We are both talking about the same thing.
Well, I--i guess you got me.
Well, the bargain is sealed, my friend?
Oh, my brain is befuddled with all this.
I'm going out for a walk.
Certainly.
Wait a minute! Where's my cut?
What cut? Listen, baby,
you wouldn't have got to first base
without my phony faint.
This is an honest business transaction.
I don't know what you are talking about.
Come on, come on, give.
Nicoleff: Not one cent will I give to you!
Say, did he agree
to put up 1/3 of the money? Shh!
Listen, if he did, Mrs. prentiss is
positively in the bag for the other 2/3.
How do you like that!
The old lady's in for 2/3, and so's mosley.
Idiot! You talk too much
with your mouth!
2/3 and 2/3 is 4/3 in any country.
Well, that's the way I figure it.
And personally, I wouldn't play ball
unless I get 1/2 of the fourth third.
You see that I get 19% of what you get
for the costumes and scenery.
That's all you got to worry about!
The extra third was my idea!
I get 1/3 of that extra third,
or I go right to Mrs. prentiss and spill!
Now, that's right. That's fair enough.
Give her 1/3 of the fourth third that I get half of,
and then split the rest with me. It's easy.
You don't have to even figure it.
Thieves! Bandits! Cutthroats!
I'll show you who's a cutthroat, you swindler!
You cannot insult a nicoleff!
The split goes 3 ways, and don't you forget it!
[All shouting at once]
Oh!
Operator! Operator!
There's some lunatics screaming in the room just below mine.
Tell the manager they must stop at once,
or I shall leave the hotel!
You both ought to be in jail.
I got to get 1/2 of all the thirds
she's got coming to her!
You are a thief!
Listen, if you don't pay me right now,
I'm going to see Mrs. prentiss.
Wait, wait, wait. I'll make a fair offer.
A fair offer from you is an impossible!
To prove that I am not greedy,
she will receive 10% of the fourth third.
I'm seeing Mrs. prentiss!
Now, now, now.
Listen to rosin-- Reason.
Don't be in such a hurry about it!
Schultz: I believe in "live and let live."
We make it 15. Ja, und remember--
1/2 of that comes out of your half
of the fourth third.
It's cut 3 ways, or no dice!
Whatever it is, I get my cut.
Hello, Mr. lamson. How do you feel?
I feel like making some money.
Gee! Now we got to have a fifth third.
Who is this?
I'm the fellow that gets 25% of anything
anybody gets around here.
Another robber!
The house is full of them!
And besides 1/2 of all he makes, all but 2,500.
Well, that's your hard luck
because I get 1/3 of a third!
Well, that only leaves me 1/2 of a third!
And I get 1/4 of 1/3.
Say, wait a minute. If we split it up any more,
we got nothing but splinters.
Vampires! You are draining the blood
from my heart!
[All shouting at once]
Pardon me. Wrong room.
Oh!
Will you stop that noise!
It's been a grand evening, dick.
Thanks so much.
Aw, gee, Ann, I--
what?
Well, I certainly like my job.
I like it, too.
See you tomorrow?
Bright and early.
Good night.
Ta-ta, sweetheart.
I'm so happy, I feel like a bird.
Oh, flutter, flutter!
Ok, I'll see if I can find you some worms.
Good night, humbie.
Good night, my dear.
Oh!
I'm a bird. I'm a bird. Ha ha ha!
I'm so happy, I am a little bird!
♪ Ia la la la la
♪ bird
♪ I'm a little bird
18,000 times 4...
Mother, I'm in love again.
That's the last straw!
You bad, wicked, naughty boy!
Shame on you! Shame on you!
Mother, what's the matter?
It's humbolt! He's driving me crazy!
He's in love again!
Mother, control yourself!
I can't control myself!
This is going to cost me another 100,000!
Me for bed. See you in the morning.
I'm going to phone my--aah!
Mother!
Why, hello, mother.
Arline, I've broken the news to mother.
What did she say?
She started throwing things at me.
Oh, that's all right. She always does.
It's a very good sign for us.
In other words, she didn't really disapprove,
or she'd have shot you.
Oh, let's not talk about mother.
Let's discuss us.
For instance?
Well, our marriage, our honeymoon,
our first moments alone.
I've never been so in love in all my life.
Oh, arline, arline--
wait a minute, wait a minute.
Honey, the setup's all wrong.
I--i haven't--
well, I haven't the right to love you
the way I do.
Now, don't tell me you're frightened
over such an unimportant thing as mother's money.
No, it isn't that. It's--
well, then what are you so upset about?
My agreement with your mother.
Looks like I'm going to break it again.
Shall I help you?
Ohh...
Hello.
Are you worried about your new job?
Uh, arline...
I hardly know how to say this, but, uh...
I'm afraid I've done you a pretty dirty trick.
Old devil conscience knocking at your door?
I guess that's it.
But--but you and I have been--
oh, don't fret about me, dear.
Well, we're engaged and--
and I've decided that
we're not cut out for each other,
that it would be better for us both
if we end up just pals.
Arline, you're not doing
this just to help me out?
Don't be so conceited, you mug.
Maybe I've met someone I like better.
You deserve the finest man in the world.
Till he comes along, I'll take a rich one.
Here's wishing you all the best.
Many happy returns.
[Flatware clattering]
[Chanting, piano playing]
After I say that line, what do I do?
You kiss me.
Aww... Yeah.
It says so right there in black and white.
Well, as long as it's in black and white.
Is that right?
Aw, swell.
Go to the head of the class.
Mrs. prentiss: Ann prentiss?
It's all right, mother. We're--
we're just rehearsing our parts for the show.
They are the only two
who seem to grasp the principles
of acting.
Yes? Well, it didn't look like acting to me.
Mrs. prentiss, I--i--
well, of course it was, mother.
Why, you don't think we'd do that in public, do you?
Well, I don't know, I'm sure.
You've changed so much lately.
Mr. nicoleff, I rely on you to see
that my daughter does not rehearse too much!
Gee, thanks a lot, Nicky.
Whatcha doing?
Ha. Looking for some more black and white kisses.
Please, everybody!
Take your positions for the dagger dance!
Take the first position for the dagger dance!
Hurry, everybody! Quickly!
Do you remember the first position?
[Chants]
Commence.
[Plays piano]
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Do not commence.
Where is Mr. prentiss?
Please, who does not understand English?
Where is Mr. humbolt prentiss?
Oh, yes, yes. Absolutely.
Aha!
Do you really?
Oh, double crisscross my heart
and hope to die.
Mr. prentiss! Here.
But that's just it.
You are here when you should be there!
We need you to rehearse!
Oh, can't rehearse.
I lost my dagger.
Don't you draw a knife on me!
This is serious business, Mr. prentiss! Come!
Stick around. Stick around.
Mr. prentiss, take your position!
Now rehearse!
[Taps on floor]
More tempo this time! Commence!
[Chanting, piano playing]
[Typewriter bell rings]
Hmm...Isn't that a peach of a tune?
So barbaric.
Can I have lunch today?
[Knock on door]
Yes?
Mosley--
mosley: Oh.
Now, I'm in the middle
of a very important chapter.
Mosley, I think that you're neglecting. Ann.
If you took more of an interest in my show,
then you could see her every day.
But I am interested in your show, Mrs. p.
No, no. I mean more of an active interest. Oh.
Didn't you write the lyrics for your class show at college?
Oh, just a mere whim in a fancy of youth.
Ha ha ha ha.
Well, I just found out that rehearsals can be
very, very important.
Now, why don't you write a song for us?
Then you can come to rehearsal every day!
Perhaps I might.
My brain is a little foggy from
too much thinking.
Well, you see, writing a song
would help relax you.
Now, get along with it.
Yes, I'll dash it off in a few moments.
Most of my big hits were done just--
just like that.
Excellent, mosley. I'm counting on you.
Yes.
Birds in the trees...
[Chanting]
You look so cute doing that.
Oh, I bet you say that to all the boys.
Oh, no. You look much better
than any of the others.
I could do this lots better, but I'm frightened.
He's got me scared to death
with that meat ax he carries.
[Chanting stops]
You--
ohh...
Writing a song is a rather amusing diversion.
Yes, from snuff.
Yes, snuff.
Oh, snuff is not to be sneezed at.
Did you hear what I did? I made a joke of it.
"Snuff is not to be sneezed at."
Ha ha! Mr. thorpe, you're such a wit.
Ha ha! Yeah, I do say rather clever things occasionally.
Ha ha! Yeah...
Now, about this song.
Shall we write something new and something dashing?
Oh, let's not.
Let's write a beautiful love song.
A love song! Oh, that's won--
how do you get such good ideas?
I'm inspired by being with you.
Oh, tut tut. Ha ha ha ha!
Call the girl Betty after me, huh?
Betty, Betty-- yes, that's very good.
Betty, Betty...
"My darling Betty." Yes.
Now, what rhymes with Betty?
Spaghetti.
Spaghetti...
No. That's not
the proper mood for a love song.
Well, it might do for an Italian love song.
Yes, it might at that, yes.
Uh, "my darling spaghetti--uh, Betty...
Nicoleff: Soft. Soft.
Gracefully, like a swan.
The very quintessence of grace,
like a swan.
A swan.
Not like a geese!
Like a swan!
Hasn't anybody here ever seen a swan?
Well?
We have swans on our stages
just outside of Philadelphia.
Like that? Yes.
That is a Philadelphia swan!
Come, quickly!
Everybody on your feet!
From the beginning! Commence!
[Piano playing]
There you are, Mr. thorpe.
There's the Lyric for your new song.
I'm certainly proud of you.
Well, I'm rather proud of it myself.
Here, listen to it--
"love is all that matters after all, dear.
Nothing else, dear, nothing else but you."
Very good, very good, very good.
"Just a kiss, a squeeze, a sigh, and you, dear,
tell me that you'll marry me, please do."
Whoo, it gets better as it goes along,
very, very good.
"Let me put the ring upon your finger, Betty.
You and I'll be one instead of--"
what became of the spaghetti I had in here?
You took it out.
Did I?
Oh, yes, I guess I did.
"My heart melts as your sweet kisses linger,
nothing matters, dear, nothing but love and you."
Wonderful. It's wonderful.
One of the best things I ever wrote,
- if I do say so myself. - Oh, it's simply marvelous.
And you know, it keeps running through my head.
They say that's always the way
you can tell a good song.
Yes. Songs used to keep
running through my head
until I had my sinus operation.
I wonder if you'd autograph a copy to me?
I have quite a collection
of famous autographs.
Sure. My uncle used to collect autographs--
those and field mice.
There you are.
I'll never forget you for this, Mr. thorpe.
Good heavens! 4:30! What day is it?
Thursday.
Thursday? I usually have my hair cut on Wednesday.
I've lost a day. What's the matter with me?
Will there be anything else
today, Mr. thorpe?
Oh, no, no, that's all today.
We'll continue with the stuff first thing in the morning.
Gotta get my hair cut.
Mosley, darling, a haircut's not all you're going to get.
♪ I'm in the money
♪ the skies are sunny
♪ I've got a lot of what it takes to get along ♪
[hums]
[Chattering]
Mrs. prentiss: Oh, yes, there you are.
And Mr. Hubbard, I'm sure you'll enjoy the show.
Mrs. wood, right in the center.
Everything's right in the center.
Oh, $50. I can't change that.
If you think I'm going to spend $50--
oh, well, I shall look you up right after the show.
Remember, everything's in the sacred cause of milk.
Next, please.
What did I tell you? It's a sellout!
The name of nicoleff still draws them in, huh?
Yeah, at 25 bucks a throw.
Looks like baby's all set
for a new pair of shoes.
Yeah, but before you start shoeing
any children around here,
I gotta get paid.
Sold out! $7,500.
More money than I've ever taken in before!
I do hope the grounds are well-policed
because I'm a little uneasy
carrying so much money around with me.
Yeah, well, let me hold it for you.
Now, no thief would ever suspect
poor little me of all that cash.
Let me put it in the hotel safe.
Ahh, a safe to a burglar
is like a bottle to a corkscrew.
Let me hide the cash.
I got on a money belt.
I'll put it right here, next to my hide.
Nicoleff: Madame,
permit me to assist you.
Nicoleff takes care of everything.
Hmm...
But on second thought,
I think I'll take care of the money myself.
Oh, that reminds me, Mrs. prentiss,
speaking of money--
here is my scenery and costume bill
for the production.
Dirt cheap.
And cheap dirt at that.
Well, I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. Schultz,
because I'm too busy to bother with incidentals.
I'll pay your bill and the ushers
out of the petty cash.
Oh! Oh, mosley!
If you'll excuse me just a second, please.
So now I'm an incidental
with petties and ushers!
Have you told her yet how much money
she owes me?
That is of small importance.
Small importance?!
$40,000, small importance?
Look here, nicoleff, for not much longer
will I be bounced around
from post to pillar.
Mosley, I must speak to you.
I want you to keep the total receipts--
$7,500.
I know I can trust you, mosley.
Thorpe: Well, I'm really touched by this confidence.
Well, I'm glad you're touched,
but just as a matter of form,
would you mind signing the receipt for me?
Anything to oblige a lovely lady.
Thank you.
There we are.
Now, I'll meet you at our table later on.
I have a thousand and one things to do
before the curtain.
Very well.
Hi there, mosley. Huh?
That's a lot of beautiful cash
you got on your hip.
I don't see why my cash
should concern you.
No? No.
Toss that master mind of yours
into high and listen.
I'll make an even swap--
your Lyric autographed to me with love and kisses
for that bankroll.
I don't quite catch on.
Well, you will very soon, darling.
Now, look. The words to the song
on your own writing paper
addressed to me and signed by you
makes it look as though you proposed to me.
Oh, ridiculous.
I just gave you my autograph.
Well, I only wanted your autograph
to make it all legal.
Now, I'm a man of the world.
I know a bluff when I see one.
Mm-hmm. It may sound like a bluff to you,
but it's money in the sock to me and my lawyers.
Have a look.
Are you by any chance trying to blackmail me?
Oh, Mr. thorpe, such talk.
All I'm trying to convey is that
Scofield, winthrop, green, and hazen haven't lost a suit
since breach of promise was invented.
Shysters! They haven't got a leg to stand on.
Darling, you've given them as many legs
as a centipede. Now, how about it?
Will you settle out of court?
Certainly not.
You were--you are--
you were my stenographer.
Nothing more.
Ok, mosley, old snuff. I gave you your chance.
See you in the tabloids.
Tabloids...
Dick?
Can you help a fella? I'm lost.
Which one of these doghouses is mine?
Honey, I think you're over there around the corner.
Thanks, pal.
Nicoleff: Miss Shaw!
Why are you not ready?
I just this minute got off duty.
So, my cast is late
because she has to sell cigarettes.
Hurry, I help you dress quick.
Remind me after the show to slap your face.
Nicoleff never forgets!
Ann: Who is it?
It's me, honey. How you doing?
Just a minute.
All right.
Say, aren't you dressed yet?
Well, not quite.
Well, we go on in a couple of minutes.
You're not nervous, are you?
Well, not while you're here.
Mrs. prentiss: What is this?
Every time I see you two,
you're kissing!
Well, you always catch us when we're rehearsing.
I've stood enough of this nonsense.
It must stop at once.
Mrs. prentiss, you might as well
realize this now:
Ann and I are going to be married.
Married?
How perfectly ridiculous.
I'll have you run out of the hotel.
I'll have you run out of the state,
you male gold digger!
Ah, my darlings!
In two minutes you carry the glory of nicoleff
to a distinguished audience!
Neither my daughter nor this--this person
will appear in the show.
I just found them rehearsing
another love scene.
But this is madness!
Maybe it was, but it isn't anymore.
But you cannot take my leading lady,
my leading man!
We will have to put off the show!
Well, if we have to, we have to.
Oh, this is the end!
This is the end!
Then you will give me back the $7,500
so that I can reimburse the audience.
You mean we have to give the money back?
It is the only thing remaining to be done
before nicoleff commits suicide!
But can't you replace my daughter and this man?
Impossible, madame,
on such short notice.
Hmm...
Well, if it's a question of returning the money,
of course I shall allow them to appear.
Oh, madame is glorious!
Nicoleff lives again!
Stop chewing on my finger!
Hurry, my children!
The music approaches the cue.
I'll allow you to play,
but on one condition.
And that is that you marry mosley
immediately after this evening's performance.
I won't. I won't marry him!
You'll do exactly as I say!
I won't marry that-- that quart of whit!
I wouldn't if he were--
we'll discuss this matter after our number.
I'll tell you right now,
there is nothing to discuss.
You'll marry mosley tonight.
Oh, mosley, something terribly unfortunate
has occurred.
Yes, it's all a terrible mistake.
I'm glad you take it that way,
but you and I will rectify it.
How did you find out about all this?
Oh, I know everything that's going on around here.
I hope you're not provoked at me.
Oh, no, you've been merely weak and vacillating,
but we're going to change all that.
[Overture begins]
♪ While I come swinging out of the sky ♪
♪ Night winds are singing their lullabies ♪
♪ Music brings romance
♪ that's what it's played for ♪
♪ That's what the night is made for ♪
♪ In my song of love
♪ the moon above
♪ makes the music
♪ the words are in my heart ♪
♪ My lips may be afraid
♪ to serenade you tonight
♪ but the words are in my heart ♪
♪ Roses red
♪ in rhythm are swaying
♪ and like my heart, they're tenderly saying ♪
♪ My dear, I love you so
♪ and even though I can't say it ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
Chorus: ♪ in my song of love
♪ the moon above
♪ makes the music
♪ the words are in my heart ♪
♪ My lips may be afraid
♪ to serenade you tonight
♪ but the words are in my heart ♪
♪ Roses red
♪ in rhythm are swaying
♪ and like my heart, they're tenderly saying ♪
♪ My dear, I love you so
♪ and even though I can't say it ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
♪ In my song of love
♪ the moon above
♪ makes the music
♪ the words are in my heart ♪
♪ In my song of love
♪ the moon above
♪ makes the music
♪ the words are in my heart ♪
♪ My lips may be afraid
♪ to serenade you tonight
♪ but the words are in my heart ♪
♪ Roses red
♪ in rhythm are swaying
♪ and like my heart, they're tenderly saying ♪
♪ My dear, I love you so
♪ and even though I can't say it ♪
♪ The words are in my heart ♪
[clock chiming]
♪ My dear, I love you so
♪ and even though I can't say it ♪
Come along, mosley. We have no time to lose.
Why not?
Because you've got to tell Ann
you're going to marry her right away.
Ooh, then I better call up my tailor
about getting a new blue suit.
Oh! Mosley, you exasperate me at times!
Show Ann that you're in earnest.
Be firm. Do you think you can?
Oh, I'm almost positive.
Simply sweep her off her feet.
Well, don't you think that's a trifle undignified?
Stop quibbling, mosley.
I know a justice of the peace
who will marry you for $2.00
if you get there before midnight.
We must get there before 12:00
because I go to bed at 11:00.
Here he comes now.
Petey, get behind that tree.
Mr. t. Mosley thorpe?
Yes, the third.
I'm hankatee of the Boston daily express.
That's an evening paper, isn't it?
Sure, but--
well, I'm not interested
in evening papers.
I read the morning paper.
Do you know Scofield, winthrop, green, and hazen,
the law firm?
I know a Mr. hazen,
but he's a contractor.
He built the biggest fish market
in Cincinnati.
How are you?
Yeah, but we got a hot tip.
Now I understand this law firm is gonna pack
a heavy breach of promise suit against you
for a miss Betty hawes. What about it?
Thorpe: Why, I never even heard of her.
Why, mosley thorpe!
She was your stenographer.
I smell a rat.
No, no, rat. Just some letters.
Then I got my hair cut and went out
and got a shave.
Hankatee: As I understand it,
you're going to claim
that you were dictating a song,
but she's going to prove that
you asked her to marry you,
or words to that effect.
Now, if you'll come clean--
it's a conspiracy!
I'm an innocent bystander, a victim!
I've heard enough!
You contemptible coward.
Engaged to my daughter
and lollygagging around
with a public stenographer!
Can I be blamed because I can't typewrite
and must dictate?
Ohh! So you were dictating, were you?
You were working, were you?
Let's grab this thing quick.
You wolf in sheep's clothing!
If I ever find you near my daughter again,
I'll have you arrested!
Writing about snuff, were you?
You menace to innocent women! You viper!
Whoa! Ohh!
Let her go!
Oh...
Thanks a lot, Mr. thorpe.
We'll see you on the front page.
Yeah.
Oh!
Give me my money!
Why, I don't understand you.
No more lies, Mr. thorpe.
I very foolishly entrusted
$7,500 to you.
Will you give it back to me,
or shall I charge you
with grand larceny?
And if one dollar is missing,
I shall send for the police.
Why Mrs. p, do you question my honor?
There's your receipt.
Now I am getting angry. A joke is a joke,
but when my honor--
and speaking of honor reminds me
I have a real man in the family.
I shall have humbolt give you
a good thrashing.
Don't forget, I used to be
pretty good with the gloves myself.
I shall forbid humbolt to use gloves
when he thrashes you!
Humbolt, if you have a spark of manhood in you,
here's your chance to prove it.
What's up, Ma?
Mosley thorpe has been revealed in his true colors.
He's trifling with your sister's affections.
Girl: No! Yes!
And I want humbolt to thrash him
within an inch of his miserable life!
With pleasure.
Oh, that's my boy speaking.
But I've got to finish the show first.
Well, immediately afterwards, then.
After that I'm going on my honeymoon.
Honeymoon?
Did I hear you say honeymoon?
Yes, mother. I was married yesterday.
Meet the missus.
Aaaaah! I'll go mad!
Humbolt: Yes! Don't worry, mother.
I'll take care of mosley.
Come on, put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Put 'em up! I can lick 10 men like you!
I'm not afraid of you or your whole family.
Put 'em up! Put 'em up!
Were you talking to me?
What?
Oh, hello, uh...
Hello, how are you?
Here he is, boys!
Mr. thorpe! Just a minute!
How about a picture?
What about this breach of promise case, Mr. thorpe?
You gonna marry miss hawes
or pay off?
Did you write your love letters in rhyme?
What do you think of Casanova as a lover?
I'm through with love. I'm through with love forever!
Forever!
Argghh!
Go get him, boys!
He stole all the soapboxes in the hotel!
What a story!
[Orchestra playing lullaby of Broadway]
♪ Come on along and listen to
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the hip hooray and ballyhoo
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the rumble of the subway train ♪
♪ The rattle of the taxis
♪ the daffydils who entertain
♪ at Angelo's and maxie's
♪ when the Broadway baby says, "good night" ♪
♪ It's early in the morning
♪ Manhattan babies don't sleep tight ♪
♪ Until the dawn
♪ good night, baby
♪ good night, milkman's on his way ♪
♪ Sleep tight, baby
♪ sleep tight, let's call it a day, hey ♪
♪ Come on along and listen to
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the hi-Dee-hi and boop-a-doo
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the band begins to go to town ♪
♪ And everyone goes crazy
♪ you rock-a-bye your baby round ♪
♪ Till everything gets hazy
♪ "hush-a-bye, I'll buy you this and that" ♪
♪ You hear a daddy saying
♪ and baby goes home to her flat ♪
♪ To sleep all day
♪ good night, baby
♪ good night, milkman's on his way ♪
♪ Sleep tight, baby
♪ sleep tight, let's call it a day ♪
♪ Listen to the lullaby
♪ of old Broadway
[organ playing lullaby of Broadway]
♪ Good night, baby
♪ good night, milkman's on his way ♪
♪ Sleep tight, baby
♪ sleep tight
♪ I'll call it a day ♪
♪ Hey
[tapping]
♪ A table for two, a lady divine ♪
♪ A rhapsody blue, a bottle of wine ♪
♪ Then you'll listen to a siren song ♪
♪ Come and shuffle along ♪
♪ Come and dance
♪ my sweetie may not let me ♪
♪ Come and dance
♪ why don't you come and get me? ♪
♪ The band begins to go to town ♪
♪ Come on and let's go crazy
♪ we'll turn the whole town upside-down ♪
♪ Till everything gets hazy
♪ come along with us and watch us sock ♪
♪ Until the early morning
♪ we like to get in all our luck ♪
♪ Before the dawn
♪ good night, baby
♪ good night, baby, come and play ♪
♪ All night, baby
♪ all night, what gets in its way ♪
♪ Listen to the lullaby of old Broadway ♪
[scream]
♪ Come on along and listen to
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the hi-Dee-hi and boop-a-doo
♪ the lullaby of Broadway
♪ the band begins to go to town ♪
♪ And everyone goes crazy
♪ you rock-a-bye your baby round ♪
♪ Till everything gets hazy
♪ "hush-a-bye, I'll buy you this and that" ♪
♪ You hear a daddy saying
♪ and baby goes home to her flat ♪
♪ To sleep all day
♪ good night, baby
♪ good night, milkman's on his way ♪
♪ Sleep tight, baby
♪ sleep tight, let's call it a day ♪
♪ Listen to the lullaby
♪ of old Broadway
everyone's after my money!
I'm all ready, darling.
You won't get one penny
of my money, young man.
Neither will my daughter.
I leave everything to the milk fund.
That's splendid. I'll think of you
every time I drink a milkshake.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself!
I haven't got time, I'm too happy.
Well, good luck, mother.
Good luck?
You marrying a penniless adventurer,
humbolt already married, my dividends cut,
mosley a cad,
and that fearful scenery man threatening to sue me!
A fortune lost in that show--
that awful, dreadful show
has been the cause of all my troubles!
Aw, chin up, Ma, it might be worse.
It couldn't possibly be!
Oh, yes--you might marry nicoleff.
[Knock on door]
Go away, I can't see anyone!
Wait, wait, please do not go.
Something important!
Honored madame--
will you stop biting my finger?
This has been the most pleasant engagement
of my career.
May I present to you a tiny token
of my esteem?
Well, what is it?
A priceless solid silver fruit dish
given to me by the grand Duke Alexis
after seeing my production
of midsummer's night dream
with an all-eskimo cast.
Well, thank you very much.
[Telephone rings]
Hello? What?
Wait a minute. I'll ask her.
It's the hotel jewelry store.
Mr. nicoleff just bought a silver fruit dish
and charged it to your account,
and the jeweler wants to know if it's all right.
Nicoleff: I beg your pardon, madame.
A luncheon engagement with Max reinhardt.
You wretch, you scoundrel!
Oh!
And that'll cost you $500
and 7 years' bad luck.
Ohh!
Oh, mother!
There, there, there.
Mother, are you all right?
She'll be fine in a minute.
Just an acute case of nicoleff.
Oh, where am I?
You're here with us. We'll take care of you.
Well, if I'm going to start fainting in my old age,
I may as well have a doctor in the family.
Think of all the money I could save in medical bills.
Hmm...
Mmm... mmm...